#it must be so emotionally healing though at the end of the day. or i hope so at least | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

sunflowhamato · 10 months ago

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𝐿𝑒𝒶𝓇𝓃𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝑜 𝐹𝑜𝓇𝑔𝒾𝓋𝑒 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝐿𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝒴𝑜𝓊𝓇𝓈𝑒𝓁𝒻- 𝒜𝓃𝒶𝓁𝓎𝓈𝒾𝓈 𝑜𝒻 𝒲𝒽𝑒𝓃 𝒲𝑜𝓇𝓁𝒹𝓈 𝒞𝑜𝓁𝓁𝒾𝒹𝑒 𝓌𝓇𝒾𝓉𝓉𝑒𝓃 𝒷𝓎 𝒸𝑒𝓁𝑒𝓈𝓉𝒾𝒶𝓃𝑔𝑒𝓁

Link celestiangel :

Link WWC:

It's Valentine's Day, what better way to celebrate than with an analysis of one of the best fanfics out there?

As for When Worlds Collide, it's one of those must-read fanfics because of the deep background it presents, addressing themes of forgiveness and self-esteem. In this thread I won't focus on evaluating the narrative structure or the quality of the dialogue, but on the plot around the story and why it is so popular.

This story, offers valuable advice and messages from the reader from the beginning to the end. It is considered one of the most important and best fanfics that exist, since it touches common situations such as the pain caused by close people leaving the message it conveys is one of the healthiest to deal with these experiences.

Now then, I would prefer starting to discuss about the characters, from those with secondary roles to the protagonists with more developed and relevant arcs in the plot, until the end to give my final opinion.

"It doesn't take a sword to break us. Sometimes it's just a person." Forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting what happened or justifying the actions that caused pain, but rather freeing oneself from the resentment and bitterness that can consume us. Forgiveness requires courage and understanding, and can be a long and difficult process. However, it can lead to emotional healing and the restoration of broken relationships. Showing ourselves as we are, without masks or pretense, allows us to build more genuine and meaningful relationships with others. While it can be challenging to stop hiding our true selves, the process of doing so allows us to grow and develop as individuals, strengthening our self-esteem and self-confidence.

-The role of the big sister in giving advice.

Let's start with April. Although her participation is limited, her role as older sister is fundamental in the plot. April is dedicated to take care and give advice especially to Leo. The mutual trust and affection between them is noticeable. However, she also warns Leo about the need to protect himself, saying that sometimes it is inevitable to get hurt (especially when it comes to feelings). This lesson is crucial in the future for Leo to understand that you can't always blindly trust those you love. Also as the story progresses, April interacts more with Yuichi and accepts his role in the family. When the truth is revealed, April apologizes to Leo (as she feels it is her fault, and the omen she said turned out to be true), though he understands that it is not his fault. Leo seeks April's advice about forgiving Usagi, and she encourages him to decide for himself, emphasizing that he has control over his life. This dynamic demonstrates the love and support between siblings. April is always willing to give advice that is not only right, but also seeks Leo's happiness.

-The role of learning to protect physically and emotionally.

Raph and Mikey also play important roles, with Raph taking on the role of the protective and self-sacrificing older brother, while Mikey represents innocence and emotional generosity. In the story's denouement, the two develop a bond with Yuichi, coming to protect each other and consider him a valuable friend to both Leo and themselves. When the truth is revealed, both Raph and Mikey are hurt. Raph blames himself for not protecting Leo from emotional deception, though Leo comforts him, knowing it is not his fault. Yuichi, aware of the connection between Raph and Leo, asks him to protect his brother, a request Raph readily accepts, prioritizing Leo's safety over his friendship with Yuichi. On the other hand, Mikey stresses the importance of communication by proposing to talk to Yuichi. He is the only one who senses Leo's true feelings and wants to prevent him from repressing them. Although he feels hurt, Mikey recognizes Yuichi's need to express himself and encourages Leo to talk to him sincerely. He thanks Yuichi for standing by Leo during difficult times. Despite feeling betrayed, both Raph and Mikey direct their anger at themselves for allowing their brother to suffer. However, they are determined to protect Leo and support him in whatever decision he makes regarding Yuichi.

-The role of being selfish with no thought for the suffering of others.

Big Mom is presented as an antagonist who exerts control over Yuichi's life. Although she was not a good role model for him, she shares a strong parallel with Yuichi in betraying the most important person in his life, although unlike Yuichi, Big Mom acts in her own self-interest, with no regrets for her actions, leading her into a cycle of continuous betrayals. Only at the end, upon seeing Yuichi with Leo, does she feel compassion as she remembers her own relationship with Splinter. Although she is not the main villain, she is an example of someone who neither changes nor regrets her mistakes, ignoring the damage caused. Big Mom is a dangerous character due to her lack of empathy about the suffering she causes.

-The role of justifying your actions by believing you are a hero.

The Draxum of this story is a ruthless and manipulative antagonist who seeks power and personal gain without caring about playing with the feelings of others. He uses both physical strength and emotions to hurt others in order to achieve his goals, even threatening Yuichi's life on several occasions and enjoying Leo's suffering. Although a different version of the original, his role as a feared villain is successful in advancing the plot and forcing Yuichi to fulfill his mission. Draxum's denouement with Yuichi is important to the outcome of both characters, as he loses everything he had and is left feeling neither remorseful nor proud of his actions. Throughout the story, parallels are drawn with Big Mom, both of them regardless of the fact that they hurt teenagers in different ways. However, while Draxum admits to being the villain and believes he is doing the right thing according to the prophecy, Big Mom acts for her own benefit without remorse, disguising her true intentions.

-The role of parallels in the face of the same story with a different ending.

Leo and Splinter share similar stories of blindly trusting those they love, despite the warning signs that may be visualized along the way. Although Splinter at first seems disinterested in his children's lives, he eventually reveals himself to be a father who has made many mistakes but tries to support his children. When Leo feels displaced, Splinter decides to support his goals, which shows a significant gesture of support by gifting him the medical kit he has for practice, demonstrating that he listens to his children. The relationship between Leo and Splinter is exemplary, showing that despite being a parent with a difficult past he can still support his children, Splinter also shares his past with Big Mom, showing his concern for protecting his children from the influence a person can have coming into their lives. When the truth is discovered, Splinter is upset with Yuichi but decides not to judge him, acknowledging his own mistake-filled youth. He advises Leo on the difficulty of forgetting someone, showing empathy for both his son and Yuichi. The encounter between Splinter and Big Mom reflects a deep shared pain, where neither speaks but both feel the burden of what they have experienced. This reflection leads Leo to question which is worse: being betrayed by the one you love and choosing his own path, or seeking to redeem himself. The story suggests that redemption is possible, offering hope for a different future for both Leo and Yuichi.

-The role of understanding the suffering of others.

If I had to talk about a character that had an incredible evolution, it would undoubtedly be Donnie. I'll be honest, when I first read WWC, Donnie was a character I couldn't stand, but then I realized that the character was not to blame and on the contrary he was the one who was right (at least in the end). Donnie's evolution throughout the story is remarkable and significant. At the beginning, he feels jealous towards Yuichi due to the attention Leo gives him, leading to arguments and mistreatment, which makes Leo confront him, and both of them can look for a solution causing him to understand the importance of tolerating him for his brother's sake. Although Donnie has difficulty expressing his feelings, he shows a positive change as he tries to understand Yuichi and support him when necessary. His doubts about Yuichi arise when he witnesses his delivery of the glasses and armor to Draxum, leading him to investigate and confront Yuichi. However, he becomes frustrated when he finds no hard evidence and his anger transforms into a desire to protect Leo, becoming more cautious with what he does, and generating tension between the brothers. When the truth is revealed, Donnie experiences a moment of anger and regret for not having protected his brother, this is reflected much better in the fight he has with Yuichi, where he basically ends up hitting him hard believing that this might help Leo feel better, but then he realizes that it didn't really help at all. He begins to highlight how he was always right, but realizing Leo's suffering and the mistake he has made in seeing his brother being considered an idiot for having feelings, he makes Donnie apologize for not protecting him, both brothers apologize to each other and agree to support the other, this time starting without remorse, showing their emotional growth and willingness to support their family. The relationship between Donnie and Yuichi shows that it is not always necessary to like someone to tolerate them (not everyone is going to like you and not everyone will like you, that is a law of life), that does not prevent you from learning to be empathetic with others. The way Donnie is portrayed in the story brilliantly reflects his evolution and the importance of empathy in interpersonal relationships, from being a character who does not know how to express what he feels very well due to lacking in some occasions of these, that does not prevent him from caring or wanting to protect his brothers, learning to change and evolve into a character who feels empathy for the pain of others and decides to support Leo in his final decision without judging him.

-The role of finding your place in the world and knowing how to forgive.

Leo's story is one of self-discovery and emotional growth, but above all he is the character who will give us the best (in my opinion), most important advice in the whole story. From the first meeting with Yuichi, Leo feels a special connection and is intrigued by him, we are also told that he has no interactions with other yokais, so he quickly connects with him, and decides to support him at the moment of their meeting. As they spend more time together, due to Yuichi ending up saving him from Draxum and taking him to the sewer to cure him, Leo begins to question his feelings and realizes that he enjoys being with Yuichi without having to go out of his way to impress him. Through his relationship with Yuichi, Leo also reflects on his past and his sense of belonging within his family. He begins to remember how he felt displaced by his siblings, seeing that each of them had qualities that managed to stand out, made Leo feel the need to know exactly who he was and show what he was capable of so he decides to be the doctor to make it his way to contribute to the team and find his place. This is reinforced by the fact that his interest in Yuichi was sparked not only by his physical appearance, but also by the fact that Yuichi chose him out of all the yokais in the place, to ask him for advice, without needing to demonstrate any skill, something that made him feel special and capable. As the relationship progresses, Leo strives to make Yuichi happy and protect him at all times, he doesn't mind showing his affection, and it's something he explains to Donnie, Yuichi doesn't need anything to love Leo with him, and that feeling makes Leo feel more special than when he strives to do something, that's why he always decides to protect everyone's (even his siblings). However, when he discovers the truth about Yuichi, he experiences a deep pain and confusion after a desperation to try to believe that it was a joke, it is difficult for him to forgive Yuichi, even Leo feels angry, but that anger is for him, because he knows that something was wrong from the beginning, only it was something he did not want to see, although he tries to apologize, Leo does not accept his apology, and decides to create a barrier, this would be a small part of his personality, totally serious and full of resentment that he would develop to protect himself from the pain, although in several occasions he seems to fall under Yuichi's apologies, he always forms this barrier, although he knows that he is only fooling himself, and that in reality if he wants to forgive Yuichi, it is demonstrated at the moment that this heals him, he drops some jokes and is empathetic, demonstrating once again that with Yuichi he feels free and natural without showing what he is capable of just being himself, but again he returns to hide his feelings. It is when he decides to ask his whole family for advice, it all comes down to the same thing, they will know that no matter what Leo's decision is, it will be the right thing to do and they trust him. When Yuichi finally decides to sacrifice himself, Leo realizes that he wants Yuichi to live, and he knows that making him suffer is not something that would make him feel good at all. At the end of the story with his mixed feelings, Leo decides to put himself first and take his time to heal, showing great emotional maturity. In the end, Leo will eventually learn that it is possible to forgive but most importantly love himself, which allows him to accept his place in the story and demonstrate his love for Yuichi. Just because you love a person doesn't mean you're going to forgive them easily, and it's something that is a big mistake in this type of story. Leo and his emotional journey is complex and realistic, showing the healing process after a betrayal and the importance of learning to forgive, both others and yourself.

-The role of accepting yourself as you are and being able to redeem yourself.

Although the story has Yuichi and Leo as the main characters, I feel that Yuichi is the one the story revolves around, and the protagonist of the story. We meet Yuichi, and although his story is different from Samurai Rabbit, the character has the same essence, only some things change due to the story (something that fails in some stories that try to do the same thing), his evolution is a journey of self-discovery and redemption. From the beginning, we see that Yuichi is a complex character with many layers, and as the story progresses, it is clear that he is struggling with his own inner demons. Yuichi's story is painful, but they let you see that Yuichi was always impulsive and arrogant, the only home was with his aunt, so when she passed away, it was evident that he had nowhere else to go, that's when he decided to run, and although he had some places where they could train him and treated him well, Yuichi's attitude was something that didn't fit, this made him run into Big Mom and she took advantage of the attitudes he had for her own benefit, increasing his ego the moment he started fighting in the Nexus. When he met Leo, Yuichi quickly portrays everything he dislikes about him, though this is because he sees himself reflected in Leo. However, as he spends time with Leo and the Hamato's, he begins to show his true personality: playful, teasing, and vulnerable. He is drawn to Leo because it gives him a sense of home and belonging that he has never experienced before. Throughout the story, Yuichi struggles with his feelings and his role in the mission with Draxum. Although he initially tries to prioritize the mission, his feelings for Leo lead him to question his own motivations, these are small moments at first, which may go unnoticed everything comes to a different point when the day of their rooftop date arrives and Leo gives him the necklace in the shape of swords, realizing that true love is one that will ask for nothing in the face of affection received, Yuichi accepts his feelings at this point, although he does not say it openly, it is clear that from this event Yuichi loves Leo in a genuine way, this is demonstrated when Leo is injured and Yuichi does not hesitate to protect him and heal his wounds, forgetting the armor, and showing Leo that he is more important than the armor. Things finally become clear to Yuichi when they go on their last date at the skating rink, where he finally admits that he loves Leo, although it is too late. Although he knows he has made mistakes in the past and feels guilty about them, he is willing to do anything to protect Leo and his family, even if it means sacrificing his own life. Revealing the truth when Leo asks him to, this time if he wanted to redeem himself he would tell absolutely the whole truth, so he doesn't hesitate to do it, this time he is not going to run as he did years ago, this time he is going to face the problem for the person he loves the most, without looking for anything in return. After the sacrifice and Yuichi's decision to return to life after remembering his aunt, realizing that the part that had hidden his true self, will be the one that will help him to correct his mistakes, demonstrating his growth as a character and his commitment to do the right thing. Although he knows that the road to redemption will be difficult, he is determined to strive to be a better person, both for himself and for those he loves (As I said, Yuichi is no longer going to run, and the fact that he has decided to live, strongly symbolizes this fact, as he will not run towards the easy path of death, this time he will take the short path, which will make him grow). Ultimately, Yuichi's story is one of love, forgiveness and redemption. Through his relationship with Leo, he learns to accept himself and to find true happiness and a sense of belonging in love and connection with others.

-Final Opinion

It is clear that "WWC" is an incredible story in depth and character development, dealing with complex themes such as betrayal, forgiveness and personal growth. The unique perspective of telling the story from the point of view of the betrayer, Yuichi, adds an additional layer of complexity and emotion to the plot. The handling of the relationships between the characters is another highlight of the story. The way the connection between Yuichi and Leo develops, as well as the interactions between the Hamato brothers, authentically reflects the complexities of human relationships. In addition, the exploration of themes such as self-love and redemption adds additional emotional depth to the story. The narrative's brisk and involving pace, along with the carefully crafted details and emotional moments, make it difficult to put "WWC" down. In addition, the way the story addresses the consequences of betrayal and the importance of forgiveness provides valuable lessons about the power of love and understanding. In short, "WWC" is a story that not only entertains, but also invites reflection on universal and deeply human themes. Its innovative approach and masterful execution make it a truly memorable and meaningful read.

When Worlds Collide, the title is also essential, both Leo and Yuichi live in different worlds, when it seems they can finally fit together, is when at the least unexpected moment, those worlds collide due to the circumstances and reasons why they met in the first place, that's why they end up colliding with each other, but that must be something that will have to be repaired in due time. Because everyone around us has their own story to tell, a different world in our own mind, and you have no idea how much I identified with this fanfic, because I have been through that situation and it is very difficult to overcome it (You never do it 100%), but that doesn't mean we can't improve and grow, being experiences make us improve and understand more how life is or how our people around us are, so even though it is painful, this fanfic is so realistic that makes you identify with some of the people in one way or another. That's why I started this analysis telling the role of each character, until I got to the main characters, because I felt it was more appropriate, besides I had a lot to say about Leo and Yuichi. And believe me, there are more things I would like to say, like the importance of the necklace Leo gives Yuichi, or the fact that Yuichi is bloodthirsty and always looking to fight, but I feel that many of these things are better detailed in the story, so I felt that telling something that makes the fanfic clear was a little unnecessary, and I wanted to focus more on other things that I noticed throughout the story.

If you just read the fanfic once, I recommend you to do it again, since you will notice many things that maybe you didn't notice before, and it really makes you spend a nice time besides it is a deep story and it deserves you to read it again many times. I don't know if there will be a second part or not (Since this story revolves around the first season), and I would love to see a second part with the second season, taking several points, for example how is Yuichi and Leo's relationship, or how is Yuichi's coexistence with the other brothers, if the theme of Draxum's redemption will be treated, the plot of Big Mom with Shredder, and how the theme of Ninpo and the Hamato story will be taken, etc. I'm really looking forward to being able to read a continuation, but that's something to be decided by the creator herself, so all I can say is that this story is a spectacular and one of the best fanfics there can be, whether you like shipp or not, it's a story that deserves to be read by everyone, even those who don't know about the Ninja Turtles, since as I said, the themes it deals with are very realistic and deserve to be discovered, without a doubt this kind of stories show that fanfics are not only fangirl stuff, it also tells history and is an art that is underestimated, but without a doubt when you discover it, it can be one of the best things you read, what are you waiting for to suffer again reading When Worlds Collide?

#rottmnt leo #rottmnt usagi #rottmnt #fanfic #ao3 fanfic #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt raph #rottmnt mikey #yuichi usagi #rise splinter #big mom rottmnt #rottmnt draxum #rottmnt april #leoichi #leosagi #leo x usagi

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mistytarot0919 · 6 months ago

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Hi, thanks for this free reading 💌

I want to ask about kpop idols. They are a couple & dating. The guy once took part in a survival show, namely Boys Planet, at the beginning of 2023. And last December, the girl also took part in a survival show, called Universe Ticket. Anyway, they both end up at elimination and that seems to make them focus on their careers, not their relationships. Especially now that the guy is making a solo debut.

Their name & dob are :

- Lee Dongyeol (he) & Kwon Chaewon (she)

- 13 December 1998 (he) & 26 May 1999 (she)

The question is, How does Chaewon feel about Dongyeol now? Does she still loves and cares about him?

Thank you and have a nice day 💗🧚‍♀️

Hello, dear angel @weeklymay!♕˚ʚ♡ɞ˚👼🏻Misty - your tarot reader here✨🔮🌠🃏🌟!

I will start by thanking you again for being part of my community. It brings me a lot of joy to see that you guys are here and supporting my blog. Providing clarity and guidance is my mission so hope that my reading will bring that to you. -ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ- Also, every donation is welcomed. -ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

Count of questions/requests and answers 05/05

Without wasting any time, let's get into your reading!⋆ ˚｡⋆୨💗୧⋆ ˚｡⋆ Crystal for your reading: Sugilite Angel message: Own your divine power! Replace co-dependent people-pleasing with assertiveness and empowerment.

First of all, thank you for your request as this is the first time I'm doing a reading about a Kpop star so this will be pretty interesting also for me.

I can see that your girl is a caring soul who is inclined to art and creativity. They are also caring, nurturing, and often emotional. This girl signifies the ideal female partner because they aren't unafraid of intimacy while having stability and appropriate boundaries (maybe that's why they decided to focus on their work/career). I have some signs that can indicate that there are feelings for the other person especially because they had made them become emotionally honest and bring happiness and love in their life. When it comes to their relationship there is fulfillment coming their way so both of them should be open and honest about their feelings. She has the power to make things happen in love at this time. There were some discussions between them about relationships and feelings but she is the only one who can decide to continue to pursue it. But there is something that she doesn't like about him, they are now not as they seemed at the beginning. He doesn't bring here what he promised her and now they aren't willing to let all that they have in their life happening for here. This must be the thing that is keeping their connection blocked(especially if he is working on his solo debut). It's more like he is waiting for her to sacrifice something more than him and this brings choices and confusion. But even though this happens I can see that new doors are opening for here so it's not a bad thing that they aren't focusing on their emotions right now, maybe it's not the right moment for both of them. Later, after they heal a little bit and find a balance in their lives a choice needs to be made(and this will decide the course of their relationship). At this time there is a possibility that a new person catch her eye(it can also be an idol or an actor). So they need to choose between 2 people now. And she is going to follow their heart and choose the first person because they are coming with a solid offer now(he is looking for a more serious arrangement). So I think that now is better for them to focus on their careers because this can bring some peace in their life before getting together. So….better late than never, but feelings are over there, they just need to learn to accept them and find a balance between work and love. As you know, K-pop idols are hiding their relationship so there is a possibility that fans will find way more late about their relationship than the moment they've decided to be together.

#tarot community #tarotblr #tarot #tarot witch #tarotcommunity #free tarot #tarot reading #free tarot reading #misty tarot #mistytarot0919 #kpop tarot #kpop tarot reading

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cowbutch-chastity · 2 years ago

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FANFIC APPRECIATION MEME

"FANFIC APPRECIATION MEME

Post recommendations for your ten favourite fanfics and tag the authors if possible. Tell us what you like about their work.

Tag five people of your choice to do the meme too."

I was tagged by both @heroinejinx and @ghostofyaz

Since I like so many ships I’m going to separate them by ship and do a few for each one (ending up with 12 fics total), tagging the authors mentioned if I can find their Tumblr (If anyone knows the ones I couldn’t find, lemme know)

Warning: a large portion of these are NSFW and general TWs on the appropriate ones

LIGHTCANNON

- A Tasty Progress Day by @booking-and-blogging This fic is part of Elfen’s Growth not Pain series, and I unfortunately have not had the chance to read the other fics in the series, however you should also read Non Linear Growth, as this fic is part of that story. This is a great piece of smut that contains a lot of good humor and a very unique take on Lux that I greatly enjoy. Easily my favorite Lightcannon piece I’ve read. The prose is wonderful, the emotions are real, give this fic and it’s predecessors a read.

- The Saga of Lightcannon by @cannibalelf This fic by Cannibal is a monster of a wonderful AU, I remember the day on the Lightcannon discord when the idea for a Norse mythology AU was proposed, and Cannibal delivered it guns blazing. The prose is beautiful, the action is thrilling, this interesting take on Lightcannon is a must read if you want to see Jinx beat the shit out of some monsters with a big ol Axe while Valkyrie Lux watches her very gayly. (TW for extreme violence)

MOICY

- Biological Imperative by @redundantharpoons I believe that this piece is THE quintessential Moicy work. It follows a slight AU that allows Moira and Angela to interact without world ending dangerous and being on opposite sides, and features a wonderful story exploring the way these two interact, and how the prepare to raise a child together. A fantastic work with some lovely sex scenes that made me cry more than once. (TW for many upsetting things in general)

- Ethical Healing by @idle-lark Lark just gets Moira as a character I think, and even though this fic is from the perspective of Angela, it does a wonderful job exploring her and the gray morality that comes with her. Lark’s dialogue is to die for, and watching Angela and Moira slowly struggle with their mutual attraction and what their relationship would mean for their work is wonderful, I’m constantly gripping my chair waiting for the next chapter. Also Moira has a dog named Darwin, and I would die for him.

GRIDDLEHARK

- sting of a wasp by @griddleshark and @thalergetic I’m a sucker for modern AU’s and this fic is probably one of the best in terms of Griddlehark. Gideon and Harrow are very believable characters, they struggle with communication despite their intense want for each other, and the way this fic is written allows you to really experience that. It’s hot, it’s fun, it has jealous and stone butch Gideon and lamp shopping and I love it.

- Holy Cross, Alaska by softieghost This series is another interesting look at Modern AU Griddlehark, but with the fun kick of putting the two together in a cabin for three months and seeing what happens, and then exploring the depths of their new kinship afterwards in a cross country road trip. The first fic is very emotionally impactful, and does a good job of depicting a character who’s experiencing a psychotic break, as well how Gideon does her best to support Harrow and get her the help she needs. (TW for many upsetting things in general)

CAMPAL

- this time we're done for by @darlingofdots This fic changed my brain chemistry 8 times over, the AU takes Camilla and Palamedes and puts them in the Cohort together as Captain and Physician, and lets the inherent eroticism of nursing someone’s wounds do the rest. Seriously this is some of the best sexual tension I’ve ever read, the little flirts the two give each other while Camilla is fucking bleeding out is fantastic, and then navigating their relationship after finally coming together is utterly stunning. PLEASE read this fic. (TW for extreme violence)

- insatiable is what she is by @palamedes-sextus Honestly it was kind of hard to choose from Necropal’s wonderful selection of works, but I believe this one is my favorite. It’s a post Nona AU where Cam and Pal finally get a bit of domestic bliss, enjoy it, and the have wonderful sex. The smut is lovely, the feelings are very well written, the prose and dialogue are lovely, go give this fic a read. And while you’re at it check out the rest of Necropal’s works.

SYLVAINA

- Last Resort by @sniperct Boy, this one is a fucking doozy. A political marriage AU for Jaina and Sylvanas that initially sets them as brutal enemies, and then explores how hatred and pain can blossom desire, which becomes a needy and strong love. It asks a lot of interesting and challenging questions regarding the ethics of undead in WOW, and how a relationship can change and grow overtime. I have not had the chance to read it’s sequel yet, but if the writing is anywhere near the same quality I’m sure sniperct did a wonderful job with it.

- Chainmaker by @calchexxis A lich queen Jaina AU that sets up a wonderful “Queen/Knight” aesthetic between Jaina and Sylvanas. This fic has an awesome plot with a lot of unique and fun side characters, wonderful fight scenes, great sex scenes, and a really interesting look again at Undead in wow. Cal’s prose is fantastic as is the case with all of their work, and you should certainly give this fic a read.

SHIARA

- Resolve by Talaraine Resolve is probably my favorite post destroy ending fic in the Mass Effect fandom. It’s a really cool delve into Shepard and Liara when they are apart from each other, as well as their relationship to other members of the ME cast. It has some great action scene’s a lot of plot and mystery, and a lot of gay yearning/pining. (TW for some upsetting things)

- Death and the Healing by @thewriterinthebatcave with art by @shipsnthenight another awesome post destroy ending fic that takes a slightly different take on Shepard and Liara. What I really love about this fic is how they explore Shepard not as a war hero or a savior or a soldier, but as a person who has been absolutely broken by the awful things they have seen. The fic previous in the series, Comatose With Common Sense, has my favorite character study of Shepard from any fic I’ve read. And all of the art included is lovely. (TW for many upsetting things, mind the author’s TWs as well)

#lightcannon #moicy #griddlehark #campal #sylvaina #shiara #fanfic appreciation

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scribeforchrist-blog · 7 months ago

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Monitoring & Developing

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK

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+ Psalm 102:17 He will hear his forsaken people and listen to their prayer.

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VERSE OF THE DAY

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+ Lamentations 3:55-57 I called on your name, Lord, from the depths of the pit. 56 You heard my plea: “Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.”57 You came near when I called you, and you said, “Do not fear.”

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SUBJECT: Monitoring & Developing

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** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **

I AM DEVELOPING

I AM SURRENDERING

I AM VICTORIOUS

I AM AT PEACE

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THOUGHTS:

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I have been through a lot, which we all have been through, and in some situations, it feels like we have been in the depths of the pit or the most bottomless hole, and that hole can make us feel that we are alone. No one is there, and sometimes, in that pit or deep within that problem, no one understands. It feels like everyone has closed their ears to you and your situation, and sometimes, it feels like God doesn’t even hear me. Does he even see what I'm going through, and does he see how I am treated? These are our thoughts.

The more we have those thoughts, the more the enemy feeds into our emotions. We allow it because we don’t understand what's happening, and sometimes this is a test or season, or maybe a misstep on our end , and we think why this is happening, and the more and more we try to pray, the further we feel right, because when we come to him we don’t turn from our sins , we don’t dwell , we just demands answers and never wait for him to speak . We have stop monitoring and let him develop us.

But this lamentation tells us that no matter how deep Jeremiah felt in his pit, he knew God had heard him. He knows God didn’t close his ears and eyes to him, and he knew that God would draw near, and say don’t fear, and sometimes that’s all we need is for God to say I got you, it's okay, I'm right here, but the more and more we yell and complain we don’t give him the opportunity, do you allow him to speak to you ???

Revelation 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come into him and eat with him, and he will be with me.

Do you allow him to heal your wounds and guide your steps? Do you give him that, or do we sit and fuss and complain about what is happening even though it could be our fault I have done that if I'm being transparent, and sometimes it feels like there is no way God sees me; it no way he feels my pain it's no way because if he sees it, I know he’ll have to help right ?? These are our thoughts, but sometimes we go through them because he's trying to show us that the pain we are dealing with, the frustrations we are dealing with, is because we didn’t hear him when he spoke.

John 10:27-28 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life; they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.

I have been there. I have wanted something so badly that I ignored him, saying no lui, not this; I have ignored him because I needed it so badly, and he would say no lui, not this, and because of me denying him access to my ears I had to suffer the consequences, in our seasons we must listen for him to speak, we must give to him access to all of ourselves physically mentally, emotionally in this situation, and that situation and sometimes we pick and choose what we want him to touch and what we want him to heal when we must allow him to heal every part of us.

Psalm 25:4-5 Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; I wait all day long.

When we let him heal just pieces of us, we will never feel right; we will never feel what we should and hear what we should because we allowed him to have limited access to us; we have to allow him in; we have to let go of monitoring and letting him develop us, we have to let go of sections and give him whole pieces because the more we try to give him of ourselves the more we will feel complete and that’s why a lot of us still feel broken because we give him what we want Him to heal instead of allowing him to heal what's broken at his pace, God is so mighty, he's so strong, and he sees all of us even the parts we try to hide, he sees and hear us.

***Today, we learned that even if we feel in a pit, we AREN’T alone. In that pit, we will find Jesus because he’ll meet us where we are, and a lot of times, we think God wants us at a certain level or certain skill set to develop a relationship with him, and He don’t ,all he wants to do is heal us and protect us. Sometimes, it’s hard to think that he does care where we are in life, Jesus wants to pick up the broken pieces, and He does care but we assume it’s his fault and it isn’t ; he just wants to give us something beautiful which is healing .

If we are monitoring everything he does and we are letting in what we think he should and what he shouldn’t develop , then we won’t develop, and nothing won’t change, but as we let go and we let him in , whatever pain we are feeling he’s there. Sometimes, we forget how sovereign the lord is and how all-knowing he is, and we just think he can’t know about us, but he does. But we have to let go of the pain and draw close to him, don’t be afraid; he says that all through his word don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid, but we have to let go so he can pull us out of the pit he doesn’t close his ear to our cry, he doesn’t ignore us when we are in agony, he holds us close, but what happens is we have to start letting down our guard and staying in the secret place. Allow him to do that today; allow him to be your secret place because if we have him as our secret place, we don’t need the walls, just Him. ©Seer~ Prophetess Lee

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PRAYER

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Heaven, Father, we come to you today with an open heart, asking you to forgive us and keep us safe and sound; lord, we need you in every way, and we ask you to be with us and to help us through it all. Lord, we place it at your feet and ask you to help us surrender to you in every way possible. Lord, we ask you for eyes to see and ears to hear ; if we are in a pit right now, we ask you to give us the strength to give you our hand to pull us out of it. Lord, we give you everything: praise, glory, and honor in Jesus' name, amen.

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REFERENCES

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+ 1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.

+ Psalm 34:4 I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

+ John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

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FURTHER READINGS

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Proverbs 12

Psalm 78

Luke 12

2 Thessalonians 2

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#bible #bible quotes #christian quote #daily devotion #daily devotional #inspiration #scripture #bible verse #christian life #christan life #jesusismysavior #jesusisgod #jesusitrustinyou #faith in jesus #jesusislord #birth of jesus #jesus is coming #jesussaves

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snow-system-wol · 7 months ago

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It's a long time coming, but once S'ria is healed enough to travel on his own, he arranges a long overdue trip to visit someone in Doma. (Post 6.0)

Ao3

(vague references to sexual abuse)

S'ria trekked up the steep cliff on foot – it did not seem right to shortcut his way up via flight, this needed to be under his own power.

He'd considered asking G'raha to come with him, but he felt he'd rather do this alone. Even if alone meant G'raha worrying for him, with fighting being barely feasible yet at this point of healing. Even if alone meant him being absolutely exhausted after the teleport into Yanxia, he'd bear that.

And Hien had been kind about letting him regain his strength for a bell or two, all but insisting he did, so it was far less of a strain than it could've been. Hien had also looked at him with a gentle smile – sympathetic but confused – when S'ria requested directions to a location few knew of.

This was just… necessary for him, even if it would not be physically or emotionally easy.

Finally cresting the top of the hill – more of a mountaintop, perhaps – it was a relief to duck under the shade of the tree overtaking half of the small patch of land.

Even with a cane he'd brought along for such a trek, he still felt overexerted and a touch nauseous by the time he made it up – and gods did his leg hurt. G'raha would surely tell him that he had been overdoing it, when he returned home after this.

The shade helped greatly, though, and he took in the space properly. It overlooked many of the surrounding valleys, even the ocean was visible from here – as well as the wreckage of Doma Castle. Any sight one could choose to see was viewable from here… perhaps this had been chosen to give as many options as possible, if one view displeased.

S'ria carefully wove through the patches of spider lilies, unwilling to crush any underfoot. He wondered if they'd been planted intentionally in a fit of morbidity, or if they'd simply forced their way up through the ground in the slow dissipation of any remaining aether from Tsukuyomi’s summoning.

And there, just at the roots of the tree, was a simple marker. Nondescript, no sign of who may possibly be buried there. S'ria sat by it, leaning against the tree.

It'd been a very long while since the last time he'd had such a quiet moment with Yotsuyu – if ever, actually. He could think of one or two moments with Tsuyu that had been so still and peaceful, at least.

It was kind, though no less than S'ria expected, for Hien to grant her both funeral rites and privacy against desecration. He had not been unwilling to tell S'ria the location, but if anyone else thought to ask, S'ria expected Hien may refuse or play dumb on the matter entirely.

It was nice that he understood S'ria bore no ill will. It'd been well over a year since, now, and so much had happened in the meanwhile. Plus, the way things had ended… he wished it could've been different – he did not delight in this outcome.

S'ria was not sure what to say – he expected a still living Yotsuyu would not be thrilled by a ramble, so was monologuing to her corpse improper then? Though, perhaps some of what he had to say would've brought a small measure of comfort – maybe.

The rambling, S'ria felt, was what he most likely meant to do when he came here anyway.

“Hello, I – I don't know what to call you. Yotsuyu was your name, but you only ever seemed happy as Tsuyu… ah, well. I think I have different things to say to each of you.”

S'ria made himself more comfortable, stretching his leg out in a position that made it hurt a bit less. He took one cautious moment of listening, before he said anything that must not be overheard, but there was no sound except wind in leaves and distant birds.

“Tsuyu, I…wish things could've been different. Even in the days before I realized why I was so affected by you, I could not help but be attached. It seemed such a kindness, for you not to have to remember the bad parts… I thought of you often, those first few days after my childhood memories began to return. It must've been so awful for you too.”

He carefully smoothed the shakiness from his voice.

“I hated Asahi so much for forcing you through that.

“And then again, later – all I could think was that if I was able to forget what Zenos had done to me, then I could just move on.”

S'ria paused, a wry smile on his face.

“I don't have some sort of grand and wise answer for why it's better that I know, or any claim that I'm grateful for it. I'm not. I'm just… trying to exist in reality instead of hoping it'll just go away.

“...Gosetsu is still heartbroken, but in good enough health while traveling still. I'm sure he's been by to speak with you, long before I got around to it. I just hope you're resting well.”

S'ria leaned his head back to look at the tiny patches of sky through the leaves. “Ah, that was the easy part, though. Yotsuyu, I have… more things to discuss.

“I hated you when we first met, and even more so when you explained yourself at Doma Castle. ‘How dare she’, I thought. I took it rather personally and yet –”

He laughed derisively.

“I felt so high and mighty that it just made me feel guilty. I was so certain that I would not have stooped to your level, but who was I to impose my beliefs onto your life experiences, if I could not understand what you had been through? The gender dynamic of it was not lost on me either. How very bold for yet another man to judge you and think he knows better. And your story…it made me so uncomfortable to dwell on – though I didn't for very long. Gyr Abania called.

“Having no memories, it was easy to idealize the idea of home. I couldn't help but wonder – if I had been raised there for all of the occupation, hurt by soldiers and self-serving countrymen, would I have hated Gyr Abania the way you hated Doma?”

S'ria sighed. “After I remembered things, it was easier to judge you again. I'd suffered, and was still mostly kind, so you had no excuse – so I thought, stupidly. It felt horrible to think, but I felt even more vindicated because I'd been a decade younger when I was sold off – so obviously I'd ‘had it worse’.”

He scoffed, shaking his head.

“I never would've thought such a thing about any other victim. It was horribly unfair of me. Our experiences after weren't the same, though. Once I was free, I had people by my side that wanted to help. And even then, the moments of rage I felt towards Garlemald…

“I was surely not kind or merciful to them, even before I knew why – or, Fray really wasn't, which is on me too.”

S'ria looked down at his hands, battle-worn callousing from the handle of Fray's sword visible.

“I wish that my experiences were unique, but in Gyr Abania and Othard both… it was the same atrocities everywhere.

“So it's very easy to imagine a version of events where I went to Garlemald and was satisfied by the suffering. Soldiers and civilians alike, just damn the place – abusers and enablers one and all… it would have been easy. We really… are not so different, aside from the few things that mattered most – friends, a chosen family, time. I could’ve been like you, or you like me, if things were just a little different.”

The tears welled up, and he knew there was little point in fighting them. S'ria had been prepared for crying as a possible outcome of this visit – at least it should be cathartic.

“So I think I'm mostly just here to say... I'm sorry for judging you unfairly. I'm sorry that any of that happened to you. I'm sorry that no one was ever there for you in the ways you needed.”

He wiped at his eyes fruitlessly.

“I just… I'm sorry. I don't know if anyone ever said that to you, and you might hate it – but it's not pity. I hope that…us not meeting violently in the Aetherial Sea means that you are at peace now. You deserve it.”

S'ria took a single very slow breath in and out, plucking a spider lily to tuck into his hair. His eyes drifted closed, the warmth of the day now perfect with the tree shading him.

“I'm going to rest with you a little while, before I make the trek back down. I hope that's alright.”

#snow-system #ffxiv-oc #ffxiv-reactions #s'ria 🌸❄️#writings #waugh 🥺#the them though

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elamarth-calmagol · 2 years ago

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Headcanon Advent Day 23

TW: suicide (kinda)

I finished Glorfindel, so I'll post it, but I have non-adventy things for the next two days, and I won't be doing the Peredhel Family because that would be so much work.

Glorfindel

Name(s): “Glorfindel” is an epessë meaning “golden haired” in the Mithrim dialect of Sindarin. The Quenya version is Laurefindil, or Lauro as a family nickname. He is very strongly attached to his epessë and rarely uses his other names anymore.

Appearance: 7’2’’, muscular, very light skin, honey blond hair, blue eyes

Age: about 7,500

Heritage: 3/4 Noldor, 1/4 Vanyar

There are many possible origins for Glorfindel, but I chose that he's the daughter of Findis and a Noldor prince. He also had an older brother. Both of them pledged themselves to Turgon once they were old enough. Glorfindel had a girlfriend in Aman for maybe a century, which was probably a long time in those days, who refused to go with him when the Noldor rebelled.

In the First Kinslaying, Glorfindel didn't participate, and tried to shield civilians, who were mostly Teleri because more Noldor civilians were able to stay back. (I always think of the helicopter pilot in the My Lai massacre. Someone must have been that guy in the kinslaying. Probably several people. I mean, a lot of people were there.) However, he and his brother still followed Turgon out of loyalty. The journey across the ice was difficult, treacherous, and traumatizing, and ultimately his brother gave up. He let himself die because it was the only feasible way back at that point, leaving only Glorfindel out of his family to go on.

Glorfindel’s first real battle was when Fingolfin’s host finally arrived in Middle Earth. Later, he became very skilled in both fighting and leading troops in war. The Noldor stayed a while by Lake Mithrim, with the northern Sindar, and Glorfindel became good friends with them, having some of them join his house. My theory is that the reason Glorfindel’s name doesn’t quite fit with later versions of Sindarin (according to Tolkien) is that it’s in the Mithrim dialect.

I have surprisingly few headcanons about Glorfindel in Gondolin, but he definitely learned a lot about politics, leading a house, and leading an army. He was close with Idril, since he was one of her closest relatives in Gondolin. But I do have things to say about the fall of Gondolin. He was pretty sensible in the battle: they were horribly outmatched, and he wouldn’t have survived by throwing himself at the enemy. Also, because of his relationship to Idril, he may have known about her secret passage (or at least that she would have something in mind). This is how he ended up getting out.

Glorfindel did tie his hair up, of course, when he put on his armor. (By the way, I’m pretty sure elves wear chainmail, not plate mail. I don’t think I’ve ever seen them drawn with that though.) But not even elves can keep their hair in place throughout an hours-long battle. Also, he canonically wore a helmet, since Lost Tales says that the balrog grabbed his hair “under his golden cap”. My image of this battle is book-based: the balrog is twice his size, more or less human shaped, with a body made out of shadow and flame, and no wings or horns. I like to think that he knew the balrog had his hair and threw it off the cliff anyway, because that was the only way he saw to defeat it. His sacrifice wouldn’t be as meaningful if it was done on accident.

Glorfindel healed emotionally in Mandos and was reborn when he was ready. He wouldn’t have been the first to be reborn (in fact, some people died and were reborn before Feanor’s birth), but he was definitely the first of the rebellious princes. He went back to live with his parents. In the Second Age, the Valar chose a few Noldor (and maybe Vanyar from the War of Wrath) to be allowed to go back to Middle Earth to help Gil-Galad, and he was the only one to actually agree to do it. He sailed to Númenor with the Blue Wizards and was then ferried to Lindon, where he served Gil-Galad for a while before going with Elrond to rescue the survivors of Eregion and found Rivendell. It’s quite possible that he actually stayed to guard Rivendell to defend it during the War of the Last Alliance, since they were still in danger of siege.

I wish I knew more about his part in the war against Angmar. The Ringwraiths are afraid of him because he’s seen the light of the Trees, and because he’s as capable in the Unseen world as the Seen, and possibly also because he’s already died and come back, and they’re afraid of death (though it’s a different death). After a few battles that lead to them fleeing, they never even let him come close enough to cross swords with them.

Glorfindel isn’t actually part of Elrond’s house, but doesn’t have his own house either, he’s just an allied lord. He is one of Elrond’s best friends and most trusted advisors, and there aren’t many secrets between them. He’s also friends with Gandalf, whom he knew in Valinor. This mostly means they make fun of each other, though. He definitely started the tra-la-la-lally song in the Hobbit, with the intention of annoying Gandalf.

Canonically (not in my fic though), Glorfindel either stayed in Rivendell to defend it from the siege he expected, or rode westward to draw Sauron’s attention. Him leaving Rivendell would have attracted all kinds of attention, which is why he didn’t go with the Fellowship. He probably wouldn’t have killed the balrog without dying a second time anyway, and then we wouldn’t have had Gandalf the White, so it’s better than way. (When he finds out how Gandalf copied him with his death, he’s going to kill him a second time.)

Glorfindel is very open, sociable, and joyous, though there’s a lot of depth behind that, and he is as wise as Elrond (or more). He has pretty strong foresight, but he doesn’t try to control or harness it: thoughts just come to him that he knows are true. It’s a normal part of his thought processes, to him. He’s skilled at fighting, and works at it, but he’s also interested in things like horse breeding, history, and linguistics. He’s not just a dumb jock, even if he acts that way most of the time.

I'm not quite sure which Artbreeder portraits of him are my own work and which I saved from other people, and none of them are quite right anyway, so let's leave out Artbreeder. Here's the closest to the "correct" colors I have (of course it's only flat color but whatever).

#glorfindel #rivendell #headcanon #lotr #suicide #fanfiction #advent calendar #mine

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reidsrambles · 6 months ago

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An Invisible Locket

Chapter 4: A Bad Feeling

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!BAU!Reader // Secret relationship

Description: You work with your best friend and your boyfriend. The only problem is, nobody knows Spencer Reid is your boyfriend of over a year. When you find out that Spencer's getting sent out on a case immediately after getting back to Quantico, impulses take over. (Content/Warnings below the cut)

Content/Warnings: [18+ MDNI], smut, oral sex (M & F receiving), PIV sex, unprotected sex within an established relationship, unplanned pregnancy, discussions of abortion (in a pro-choice context, though Reader ends up choosing to stay pregnant), minor mentions of alcohol and cancer.

As for the crime subplot, much of it is very canon-typical (referenced child abuse & grooming by an extended family member (non-sexual), violence, blood/gore, drugs. As always, please feel free to let me know if I miss any CWs!

A/N: This fic is obviously heavy on the Spencer and Reader relationship, but it's also got a significant Garcia best friend plot line and crime plot line. This fic also features an unplanned Reader pregnancy. Reader debates abortion and is pro-choice, but ultimately ends up keeping the pregnancy. If any of that isn't up your alley, please feel free to skip this fic!

Names used: Baby, baby girl, good/sweet/pretty girl, daddy, good boy (once), my love.

Words (this chapter): 3.7 K

Words (total): 29.1 K

It’s been 8 days since the team landed in Florida and the situation is more tense now than it was before. After the third victim was found, you and Penelope managed to crack the case as to how these unsubs were procuring their victims.

The team profiled that the dominant either is or was in the medical field. So far, that theory has proven correct. You and Penelope gained access to the victim’s computers and, after the third one, found a particular pattern. All three victims had visited a medical advice website which gave advice on ridding the body of parasites.

It wasn’t flagged with the first two victims because James MacDermott, the victim who worked in IT, was savvy with his internet history and routed any odd or explicit searches through a VPN and TOR network.

Regardless, they eventually all wound up on some hippie, detox, and toxins, medical misinformation site: Phoenix Sage’s Healing Center, located in (you guessed it) Florida. To top it all off, they advertise a healing retreat on the website.

They most likely indoctrinated the victims into a virtual cult-like relationship, further pedaling medical misinformation and making them believe that they needed detoxing or whatever.

To search engines, this site indexes as if it’s a normal, plain old medical advice website like WebMD. The domain name was registered with fake personal details and paid for with cryptocurrency. They covered their tracks quite well, but it’s only a matter of time before you find the digital breadcrumb trail.

As for the submissive unsub, he happened to be dumb enough to leave a print on the suitcase that the third vic was found in. Thankfully, he was in the system. The team’s morale really needed a win because, by the time the lab was able to lift that print and match it, a fourth victim had been found.

The submissive was, as profiled, a young, white male. Emily pegged the age at between 16 and 30, based on how savage and amateur his attacks were.

Mason Adkins was booked yesterday. He’s 21. As evidenced by his numerous hospital visits and subsequent CPS reports, Mason was abused physically, mentally, and emotionally by his stepfather growing up.

Mason’s story is pretty standard when compared to similar psychopaths. He was kicked out at 18 for using hard drugs, racking up misdemeanors, and taking his rage out on his five younger half-siblings. His last known address is the trailer park in Cedar Key where his mom, stepfather and half-siblings still reside. He must have been either homeless or crashing with a friend.

Once the print was matched, the team was able to locate him and pick him up, but he hasn’t given up the dominant yet. The victim pool should be limited to those they’ve already indoctrinated, but until you can crack any direct communications, you won’t know who else they’ve had contact with. You and Penelope have continued working from Quantico, attempting to dig into Mason’s digital footprint, but you’ve gotten nowhere substantial. It’s hard to not feel a little dejected.

Mason was definitely the techie between the two of them. According to Penelope, “It’s like he learned from the same guys I did when I was underground, except now, they’ve all gotten even better. This kid is S-M-A-R-T, smart. Well, obviously tech-smart and not street-smart, since he left prints at the scene and all… If he wasn’t a killer, they probably would have recruited him to replace you.”

“Oh, is my fancy master’s degree suddenly not good enough for the FBI?”

“I mean, I dropped out and now I’m basically your boss, and I’m student debt-free.”

“Hey, don’t bring my massive student-debt into this! Plus, I think Hotch would beg to differ on you being my boss,” you smirk.

***

Down in Florida, Spencer’s been sharing a room with Derek, so you’re primarily only able to text him. He calls one evening while you’re at home and hearing his voice feels like a little slice of heaven in this shitstorm of case.

“Hey, baby,” he whispers.

“Good evening, my love. Where’s Derek?”

“He said he was running down to the convenience store down the street. I should have about 20 minutes.”

“So… I have to tell you something that I didn’t want to get into over text. It’s not a huge deal, but I needed to tell you before you got back.”

You’re scratching at the skin around your nails; a nervous tic of yours. You grab one of your throw pillows and hug it to your chest.

“The day you guys left,” you continue, “when we had our little lunch break, Penelope saw us leaving together and connected the dots. Well, she saw us leaving together and then tracked our phones to my place and then connected the dots. So, now she knows everything.”

He sighs, not seeming to be the least bit surprised. “Do you think maybe it’s time to tell the rest of the team? If we don’t tell them soon, you know she’s going to slip up. They’ll find out one way or another.”

“She promised me she’s going to try her absolute hardest to keep it a secret.”

“Has she ever been able to keep any sort of secret that the team didn’t figure out almost immediately?”

You can hear the sarcasm dripping from his voice and you suppress a giggle.

“Very good point, Dr. Reid.”

“So, maybe we should tell them? After we get back?” he asks.

“Well, there’s another thing.” You think of how to phrase it to avoid upsetting Spencer. “The morning that you guys left for Florida, Penelope was MIA for like, over an hour. It turns out she had a meeting with Hotch and Strauss because Strauss wanted to know if the team really needs two technical analysts. That said, Hotch and Penelope defended me, and Penelope said that nobody on the team would ever let her sack me.”

“That bitch,” Spencer mutters.

“Spencer Reid! How dare you speak of our beloved Penelope Garcia in such a manner!?” you joke.

You can hear him holding back a laugh. “Yeah, well, if Strauss lets you go, she’s losing me as well. But that would be after dealing with the rest of the team. Nobody in the unit is letting you go anywhere. You’re too valuable to the team. Plus, you’re part of the family.” Spencer pauses for a moment before adding, “You’re my family.”

A warmth spreads through your chest. He’s so protective of the people he loves, which is something you’ve always admired about him.

“I know,” you say. “I just don’t want everyone to go to bat for me. Hotch and Penelope already had to. Emily’s already threatened me in the past if I tried to leave. She said that she’d personally hunt me down and drag me back if I got another job.”

“That sounds about right for Emily.” You hear in Spencer’s voice that he’s smiling at your anecdote. “We knew that this time would come and maybe we should get ahead of it and tell them ourselves.”

“I’ll think about it, and we can talk about it more when you get back, okay? It feels like all I can think about is this case right now, even when I leave work.”

“Try to distract yourself or have Penelope come over to keep you company. You can’t be thinking about the case 24/7.”

“Hypocrite,” you mutter, causing Spencer to bite down a laugh.

The silence between topics is both anxious and peaceful. Talking to Spencer as his girlfriend and not his coworker is rejuvenating your soul. But you don’t want to hang up.

“Hey,” he says, his tone shifting in that single word, instantly darkening, “when I get back, I’m going to do some very bad things to you.”

You roll your head to the side with a loud groan.

“Don’t go getting me all worked up right now,” you whine. “I need to sleep!”

“Fine, fine! You keep working hard up there so we can close this case. I’ll be home before you know it and then you can fall asleep in my arms. Okay, baby?”

“Okay. Catch this son of a bitch, Spence.”

“I can only do that with your help.”

“You’re giving me too much credit.”

“Like I said, this team needs you. Garcia alone was great, obviously, but you and Garcia together are the dream team of technical analysts.”

You allow yourself pride for a moment.

“We kind of are, aren’t we?”

He giggles and you just wish you could squeeze his cheeks and kiss him endlessly.

“I love you,” he says.

“Love you, Spence. Sweet dreams.”

***

After hanging up the phone, you head back into your bathroom, picking up the unused pregnancy test from the counter. Your period is 2 days late. Periods are late or missed for all sorts of reasons, though, right?

Your cycle is usually pretty regular, but there were a few days this month where you forgot to take your pill until later in the day. Maybe that threw off your hormones? Stress can throw off your cycle too, right? What if you have some sort of cancer? Flashes of possible yet improbable future timelines whisk through your head as you repeatedly tap the unopened test against the palm of your hand. The rattle of the foil wrapper is both soothing and grating.

Okay, focus.

Taking a test will be good peace of mind. Let’s just rule that one possibility out, to start. The test will be negative and then you can worry about hormonal imbalances and cancer later. Irony says that your period will come as soon as you finish taking this thing, anyway.

You take the test out of its wrapper and grab the small plastic cup you’d already prepared before Spencer called.

You pee into the cup, filling it about halfway before setting it onto some paper towel on the counter.

You wipe, pull your underwear back up, and stare at the yellow liquid in the cup on your counter. This test will either bring you a ton of relief or it will…

That’s a train of thought that you can’t entertain right now.

“Breathe, Y/N,” you whisper into the empty apartment. A silent prayer to your body, asking it to calm down so you don’t have a panic attack.

Basically every woman has taken a pregnancy test when their period was late. It’s no big deal. The stick goes into the pee. Easy as that.

You pick up the warm plastic cup in one hand and the test in the other. It’s as if you have tunnel vision right now. You watch as the urine is rapidly wicked up the test before flowing across the display portion. After the seven seconds have passed (as per the instructions) you put the cap back on the test and place it on the counter, covering it with its wrapper.

You set a 5-minute timer and dump the rest of the cup’s contents into the toilet. You press the handle on the toilet and with the whoosh of the flush, you realize that you can hear your blood pumping in your ears; the thump, thump, thump of your heart pounding.

You wash your hands and grab your phone off the counter, trying not to catch a glance at the time left.

4 minutes, 19 seconds.

In just your comfy, oversized sleep t-shirt and your underwear, you flop down onto your bed. Your head feels like spinning with a dizzying whir.

Before you can even fully register what you’re doing or stop yourself, you’re dialing Penelope.

“This better be important because you made me lose track of how many stitches I was at in this row!”

You can’t even begin to stop the words from flowing out of you.

“I took a pregnancy test, and it’s probably negative, but can you please come over because I can hear my heart beating in my head, and I can just really use the moral support right now—”

“Y/N.” Her demeanor has entirely shifted from only a moment ago. “Hey, it’s okay. I can be over in a jiffy. Just let me throw my shoes on and grab my purse. Don’t look at it until I get there, okay?”

Penelope hangs up the phone before you even have a chance to respond. She’s always extremely quick to action when needed, which is a part of why she’s so good at her job. You’re the one who’s more likely to freeze up first. This is a great example of that.

She uses her key to let herself into your apartment and finds you laying on your bed—in the same spot you called her from.

“You didn’t look yet, did you?” she yells.

“No. I waited for you. The timer went off like three minutes ago.”

She sits down on the bed beside you, and you sit up to meet her.

“Do you feel ready to look?” she asks, quietly.

“I don’t know. I know it’s just nerves, but as soon as I took that test, I felt like I was going to pass out.” You take a deep breath and attempt to collect yourself a bit more before asking the question you know you need to. “Do you think you could look at it for me, Pen?”

“Oh, Y/N, of course.”

She wraps you in a big, warm hug, allowing you to focus on relaxing your breathing and slowing your heart rate. These big, long, calming hugs are something else you two came up with as a tool for managing the nature of your job. Huddle hugs, you call them. The time and space for connection with each other, and for calming your bodies. You know that she won’t pull away until you do, so once you feel some of the tension in your chest ease and the fog in your brain lift, you pull away and give her a thankful smile.

She goes into the bathroom and grabs the test off the counter, bringing the wrapper with it in order to keep it covered. She takes her spot next to you again and that shaky, tense feeling in your chest is quickly flooding back in. Your eyes are locked forward, purposefully keeping your gaze away from the test in her hands.

She gently places a hand on your back and rubs small, calming circles. “How do you want me to do this?”

“I just can’t look.” You grab a pillow from the head of your bed and clutch it to your chest. “I think you need to just rip the Band-Aid off before I lose my mind.”

You shut your eyes and bury your face in the pillow. Attempting to focus on calming yourself is only mildly successful for a moment, but as soon as you hear the crinkle of the wrapper, all bets are off.

The thuds of your speeding heart pumping blood throughout your body flood your hearing once again. Are you even breathing? You suddenly become aware that you’re not getting any fresh air with your face in this pillow.

The one time you don’t want to think about Spencer, memories of him clutter your consciousness. His perfect lips, even when they’re a bit chapped because he doesn’t listen to your advice about carrying lip balm. He always kisses you as if he’s thanking you for loving him, simultaneously telling you how much he loves you. The peaceful warmth that fills your chest when he’s holding you. Hearing him say your name first thing, every single morning—without fail—in his groggy, deep morning voice.

All you can think about is Spencer.

Penelope’s voice barely cuts through the fog, but once it does, your mind quiets completely.

“Honey…”

You immediately knew. You didn’t have to look at the test to know it was positive. She didn’t even have to say it outright. One word. Her single word was all you needed.

Tears immediately break free and flood your vision as you lift your head, only to turn and hide it in Penelope’s neck as she engulfs you in a big hug. Her shed tears drip onto your neck and you both start sobbing at the same time.

“It’s gonna be okay,” she struggles to get her words out through jagged breaths, “I promise, Y/N.”

You just hug her tighter in response.

Penelope knows that you have hopes to become a mother one day. But she also knows that your life is chaotic right now. Hell, she only found out about your secret relationship a little over a week ago. Regardless of whether this pregnancy is wanted or not, she knows that it’s definitely unplanned.

As she holds you, you silently thank the universe for Penelope figuring out your secret when she did, because you can’t imagine you going through this alone.

“We’ve almost caught this son of a bitch. Now, we have even more motivation to get his ass in handcuffs, because then we can throw the goddamn book at him, lock him the fuck up, and throw away the fucking key. Okay!?” Penelope says.

She never swears this much. You wipe your cheeks with your hands and nod in reply. Her impassioned pep-talk may be working, at least a little. Both of you are sniffling as you try to stop crying.

“I can’t lie and say you’re the toughest person I know, because I think we’re all aware that my pick for that title would be one, Mr. Derek Morgan.” She throws her hands up and finally gets a tiny giggle out of you. “But, after the rest of team, you’re the toughest, strongest, bravest, most resilient, most courageous, most…,” she gestures with her hands, as if the word is on the tip of her tongue, but you know she’s just trying to think of more adjectives, “most amazing, and most beautiful person I know.”

You half roll your eyes as you smile. Obviously, every member of your team, especially those in the field, are the toughest people you know. You still appreciate her sentiment and that she managed to make you laugh right now.

She lovingly brushes your hair off of your face, tucking it behind your ears. “We’ll make it through until he comes back, and then you guys can figure this out, okay?”

You let out a gigantic sigh, pressing the heels of your palms to your eyes until you see static. You thought keeping this relationship a secret from the BAU for so long was a challenge. How are you going to keep this secret?

“What if Spencer calls?” you ask. “How the hell am I going to keep that in, or at minimum, not give myself away? Why are we both so bad at keeping secrets!?”

“I’m not sure, but I bet an astrologer would tell us that it’s something to do with our star signs, or something. At least we know that you’re a better secret-keeper than I am?”

Penelope thinks for a moment, but a solution comes to her fairly quickly. “How about I just stay here until the case is over and follow you around like a little lapdog? Then, if he calls, I’ll make sure you’re not giving yourself away! Easy-peasy!”

You know her forced confidence is in order to make you feel better, but it really is helping right now.

“You’ll just find any excuse to stay over at my place, huh?”

“There’s a reason that I have a second toothbrush in your bathroom already. I staked my claim here first and Spencer’s lucky I love him, because I wouldn’t be giving you up to just any man without a fight.”

You pull her in for another big hug.

“Now that I think about it,” she says, “this probably explains why you cried when we watched Finding Nemo the other night.”

“Shit,” you laugh. “That really does make more sense now. That movie has a bunch of sad parts, though!”

“It’s okay, my sweet little cherub. I don’t know a lot about pregnancy, nor do I want to, but I know that you’ve got a lot of funky hormone stuff going on right now. I’m sure Spencer will give you the rundown of exactly which hormones are doing what when he gets home.”

He probably will. Well, if he wants to keep it, that is. You aren’t even sure what you want yet. Maybe it’s just the shock and as soon as that clears, you’ll know? You just wish that Spencer was here to talk to. It’s so scary and having zero clue how he’ll feel makes it even more frightening. Without Penelope helping you down from the worst of the shock…?

“Pen, thank you.” You nod and smile, feeling your face heat as you get emotional again. “I seriously don’t know what I’d do without you right now. I probably would have passed out on the bathroom floor if you hadn’t lessened the blow for me.”

You pick the test up from the floor, where Penelope must have dropped it after seeing the result. You haven’t looked at it with your own two eyes yet. Flipping it over, your vision immediately tunnels to that little blue plus sign, everything in your peripheral a blur. It feels like you’re holding the weight of the world in your hands. Penelope wraps her arm around you and leans her head against yours.

“I was gonna say ‘Anytime!’, but then I realized that I’d hope accidental pregnancies don’t become a regular occurrence within our friendship.”

Her joke grounds you a bit and you blink yourself out of your trance. You hand the test towards her.

“You next?” you ask, a small smirk forming on your face. She takes it from you and places it on the bed beside her.

“Yeah, I don’t think so. Not unless another coworker of ours finally gives in to his desires for me, because we would have some gorgeous babies.”

“If we were at work, you’d be getting the time-out bean bag chair right now for that,” you say.

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#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #criminal minds smut #spencer reid smut #criminal minds fanfic #dr spencer reid #doctor spencer reid #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanction #spencer reid fic #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid x fem!bau!reader #criminal minds #mgg #matthew gray gubler #reidsrambles-writes

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damara · 9 months ago

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Herein, ABOUT, TIMELINE, STATS, HEADCANONS

About;

You are not nice. You do not care, about anything, nor yourself. You escaped His clutches eons ago and recently all the same. Your curse, is you cannot die until you complete your mission. So, you try to forget.

You wreck havoc on the planet, even still. Running away and doing your job at the same time. You were groomed for it, you couldn't stop even if you tried. Even if you wanted to. Helter Sketler, baby. You are numb to genicide, indifferent to extinction. You are starving, you are drowning. You cannot die, you cannot die. So others must.

You do have a soft spot for aliens, though.

You have a little problem with your time powers going haywire, your quills are broken. 1 minute you are thousands of sweeps old, and the next, you are 20.

((Damara suffers from extreme internalized misogyny, and distrusts all men. She uses gendered slurs and will be unrelentingly abrasive. She is possibe to make friends with, in fact I want her to have help healing from her trauma. 💙))

Timeline;

The Demoness has existed in many iterations. The previous successor had found friends, even began her own garden. But she couldn't run forever, none of them ever can.

So, Reboot. The current iteration of Damara fucks up, and ends up in @hulizi 's reality. She is so frustrated that it does not matter the change in scenery, she attacks indiscriminately and the two of them battle it out. It ends in a stalemate, and Damara's horn is broken.

Rematch with @hulizi , in progress.

@mallea8lepersonage reaches out. He shows her the old garden. Both of her selves are conflicted.

STATS;

Name: Handmaid/Demoness [Damara]

Burgundy, troll, Witch of Time

Username: ardentAttendant / abapicalAnnihilationist

Pronouns: she/they

Age: -50sweeps/1000+ sweeps

Height and build: 6ft tall, stocky/ 7ft, underweight

HEADCANONS;

Handmaid:

Types like this! @0u0@

As Handmaid, she is servile, extremely fawning, and polite. Also easier to get along with.

loves games, riddles, and making friends.

Dissociates as a result of Doc's abuse, really good as repressing and compatmentalizing. Until she isn't.

Can't wait to die.

As Handmaid, she still things Doc and English are alive. Sometimes.

No, her eye didn't just twitch. Just let her make dinner

tw abuse, CSA Physically, mentally, emotionally abused my DS and LE. It's canon that DS is a creep to little girls, etc. Beyond that, specifics likely won't be gotten in to.

Demoness:

TYPES. LIKE THIS. INFLUENCED BY LORD ENGLISH.

No longer repressing her desire to destroy.

Everyone will pay for their suffering. Even you.

Tired of this shit.

Hates you. Until she doesn't.

Think of a feral cat you slowly feed every day til you get to touch it in once and it scratches you, but you DID it.

Soft spot for humans and Aradias.

I have plans for her to recon with her trauma, I'd like her to end up reformed and properly intergrating with others.

Secret love of gardening once she figures out she can do more than destroy.

Asexual agender internalized misogyny queen.

#boom #Ooc #About #Damara #homestuck roleplay

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rainbowuniversepageantsys · 1 year ago

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Piggyback from Inner Beauty Tip: Radical Acceptance is Key!

Radical acceptance will grant you inner beauty. Why? Because you will be an easy going person, tolerating a lot (not as a doormat though), forgiving all and accepting everyone - this is the basic definition of radical acceptance.

Some examples of radical acceptance are:

We cannot be someone else

We cannot have someone else's life

We may get laid off or fired one day from our job

We might get divorced from our spouse or break up with our significant other

We might get sick or be dying with a fatal illness

We may get lost one day, attacked or burglarized (or home invasion)

Someone might steal our identity

We may get depressed at some point or end up with a major mental illness

We may be diagnosed with Cancer, HIV or AIDS

We will lose our hair, lose our teeth, and get ol4d and gray one day

We might not be liked, may get rejected

We may end up broke or homeless or carless

Our kids might die before we do or we might die

We may get arrested and go to prison or jail

Some of women may never get pregnant, may have a miscarriage or have something wrong with our baby

If we live in a fantasy world and think these things will never happen to us then we need to remember that anything is possible, there are consequences for everything and no one is above any of these things. This is radical acceptance instead of being in denial which will make you snap if you are mentally and emotionally prepared for crazy things happening to you.

So how can we embrace Radical Acceptance:

1. We have to let go of our hang-ups about different people such as:(these are generalizations I have heard often so if I offend anyone, please forgive me)

- Old people are all slow and mean

- Young people are all annoying and delinquent

- White people are all supremacists or have a white privileege mentality

- Black people are all loud and ghetto

- Asians are all smart and rude

- Mexicans are all dirty and cheap

2. We have to let go of pre-conceived notions that are biased:

- Love always hurts so I'm staying single

- Men are all sex offenders so I'm staying away from them

- Women are all desperate so I'm avoiding them

- Mothers are all nurturers and fathers all task masters

- Marriage doesn't work and is boring anyway

- Money is everything and will buy me anything I want

- Celebrities are all full of themselves

- Pastors are all greedy so I'm not going to church

3. We have to give people the benefit of the doubt - allow room for people to make some mistakes and disappoint you because they will

4. Rejection is a given. Be open, ready and strong in case it happens to you. Somewhere, somebody is going to say no to you no matter how much money you have, how you look, or where you come from

5. Irresponsibilty carries a boatload of problems and burdens so do your best to be a responsible and stable person.

6. Reality bites but it's reality and it happens for all of us. Take off yhour rose colored blinders or glasses and face the truth.

7. Loss is always possible, prepare for it and go throught the stages of grief with the intent to heal, let go and move on.

8. Seasons change and so do we. We age, we change our likes and dislikes so roll with the changes of your life. If you avoid them or resist them you will go crazy.

9. God loves us but also judges us and His wrath is real. Don't get caught up in God's wrath. Follow the laws of God and the Bible, the ten commandments and do the right thing as much as you possibly can.

10.Criminal activity gets exposed at some point in life. Even the Bible says "What is hidden, must come to light." - Luke 7:18

11.Relationships are hard - risk it all for love anyway, work at it and see where it takes you and your heart and your life. You might just get some beautiful kids out of it that look just like you.

12.If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Get your planners, calendars, sticky notes, notebooks and notepads, laptops, cell phones, checklists, to do lists and vision boards out and plan up a storm. You will be happy you planned that. LOL!

13.Arrogance leads to great falls. Be humble about everything as much as you can. Even Jesus, who is God is humble and no one can get any higher than that.

14.Money isn't everything and greed leads to loneliness and loss. So, save, spend and give moderately and equally so you can reap the riches of your hard work and feel great about having a nest egg and giving to those less fortunate than you are.

15.If you don't work you produce nothing. Let go of sloth (which is one of the 7 deadly sins. Don't be a lazy person. Get up and do something every day and that does not mean go walk to your computer or t.v. and sit there all day.

16.Strength, healing, wellness, love and a deep connection with your highe source are all very importan and vital to a fulfilling life. So learn to take care of yourself, get to know your God, make doctor appointments and get check ups regularly, take care of your mental health, express love easily and be ready to receive it when it comes.

17.You will make mistakes - learn from them and vow to do better.

18.Aging is truth so embrace the stages of your life and development, grasp hold of wisdom tightly, remember your youth and stay young at heart, take care of your brain, your body, your heart and have some fun every day.

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mirrorballwhoistrying · 1 year ago

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A Transitional Period - July (09.09.23)

Help! I can't believe I really had a whole ass month without a reflection? Well, looking back it makes sense since my life was really crumbling in July. I guess this is a reflection & recap of the past 2 months?

The start of July was crumbling for me for real. I just failed AAS without even advancing into the interview round. The application must suck really hard. In early July, Jinliang gang celebrated my birthday. I thought they would have forgotten me already but they didn't. Hato and Vathtey's gang also did. It was like the aftermath of my birthday was still going.

I was waiting for 4 results left including a concert ticket result. There came July 7th. I think I won't forget that day. It was the day that Speak Now TV was released but a lot of things were going on as well. In the morning I received an email that I failed YSEALI AFP again. That's cruel and then I also didn't pass the ASEAN entrepreneurship training. There it came the queuing for the concert ticket. I didn't get the code at all and I tried Klook. The queue was also really, really long. There it came that I succeeded in none of them.

I was really just listening to Speak Now TV with so much pain. I thought I would heal from dealing with failures. Turns out, it still crumbles me into pieces every time.

The 2nd week of July, I was dealing with failures in such an unhealthy way. I went out drinking with B KT & B KL until I almost passed out. It was also another interview for the mental health program. I was really self-sabotaging. One thing I was glad happened was I let the emotions out with my co-workers. I talked with them through and got some new insights. They were also really supportive of my journey and support on my interview.

I think I did just okay in the interview. It wasn't my best, but I was glad for the rehearsal the day prior. I was really letting my emotions flow and not afraid to be vulnerable, to admit my flaws, and to admit how I tried to overcome them despite all the hardship. It was a really fulfilling experience for the interview. It's like I was switching on something I almost forgot a long time ago about my values.

I went psycho as I was so sad that I didn't get the tickets for the ERAS tour I messaged my friend in Thailand, and she helped me to buy a ticket for the odds of love. I was really going to BKK in August!

I also got the info about receiving a certificate for the submission to the JCI film festival as well, too bad I didn't join the opening night because I was just so emotionally drained. By the end of the month, I also reached my goal to save 10K in my bank. Is this a little achievement?

The month ended with the Phsar Art at The Ground Market. I was really to make peace with BKT after neglecting my birthday. It was great though to meet new people including 2 new friends of Lyly. I also got to meet the artists that I'm friends with on Facebook as well.

I think of July really badly mainly because of the first part which really clouded my judgment. I feel like it shares a lot of similarities with January as there was nothing much going on, but there was at least something going on though, or was a setup to what happened the next month and like an epilogue to the first half of my 2023.

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timeguardiansarchive · 1 year ago

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When Grief Comes

@insidemyblood continued x

Maureen's bloodshot eyes are wrought with an unwavering grief. Though she physically remained upright, there are mile-long cracks forming in her sturdy facade. Diplomacy is NOT her forte, though in recent years, she has made considerable strides.

The offer of a seat is too good to surpass. She DREADS the idea of returning a home which is little more than a shell of it's former glory. Her father, he's more absent than ever, CONSUMED by this case. HAUNTED and PLAGUED he refused to let it rest. He's drowning in oceans far deeper than she can manage to tread and poor ELI--he's being dragged downwards in the same unforgiving RIP. That left the weight of the family squarely upon her shoulders. Maureen must do what she had always done. Step in, assume control, and try to pick up the shattered pieces.

But its not as easy as it used to be, with boys of her own.

Maureen practically MELTS into the cushions the seat boasted. And she allows herself a sarcastic scoff. From the moment the tragedy struck, everyone's been promising that they're doing everything they can. So why then, did it feel like it would NEVER be enough?!

Agonized, her eyes turn towards the ADA. "How does anyone hold up under these circumstances?" She softly prods. They're damnably CRUSHING. They cause traumatic wounds that would NEVER heal.

"I--" She starts, attempting to measure her words softly, "I think---" A tremulous prefaces comes before her unusual request. "I think my father needs help. He's gone off the deep-end. He's not eating, not sleeping. He's JUMPING at shadows...." Maureen refuses to have him committed. She loves her father too dearly for that. Just the other day he nearly shot her and Eli when they returned to the apartment. And empathetic Eli, he's so broken and it fills her heart with dread. "He- ugh--" She clears her throat. "You were a cop? Right?" She is testing the waters carefully. "He's struggling emotionally and his PTSD, it's- it's getting too much. He-" Her errant gaze begins to shift and she hollowly confides. "He almost shot Eli and I." Kathleen, Lizzie, and Dickie were more stable. As long as Kathleen stayed on her medicine, and Dickie continued enjoying his work, Maureen could focus on her father and Eli.

"I also need -- another favor.' It's clear she is unaccustomed to asking for help when the circumstances were NOT dire. "Can you help convince Eli that he should come and stay with me. At least, till my father levels out?"

#insidemyblood #this is the first time I tinkered with older maureen so forgive me if it's awful #i have seen very little of OC so things might be a little ooc #when grief comes

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ireallydontunderstandpeopleatall · 2 years ago

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cont

he was still talking about " what else is going on" " what else can we get into" and i'm feeling disappointed bc im thinking like, was going to the beach with my son and i not enough for you and you need more excitement and thinking that this is the same mentality that had him seeking out other women and going to bars and meeting up with them in the middle of the night and hanging out with richelle at a bar during our long homebody streaks.

anyway i wanted to blog to let myself know that i did miss him, his company and i missed having somebody and i guess my therapist was right when she said i am not scared of being in love, just scared of being hurt. because it's obvious my heart is still loving, and it still wants to love him when we hang out, when we live in the moment together and when he is next to me, i still see some of the magic i saw in him when i was still blind. sometimes i wish i could go back to being the person i was when i was blind, but thinking of my ignorance also hurts because i think of the women who knew i was being played and how they must have pitied me for being with such a bad man.

and i also see that my heart wants to love anyone that is kind to me, i thought i had enough of max too when i was leaving atlanta but when i got back i just missed so much being in that hotel room with him and thinking of how he just let me have the reigns in his city and even though there was so much more we wanted to see and do but we didn't but that was because he was ok with just going with the flow with me and seeing where our adventure takes us and it did take us to some places that were like a fairy tale to me and i swear i was completely enchanted by atlanta by the time the trip was over. but anyway i know max is emotionally unavailable and i know i could never see myself with him and he also shows traits of richard/arson/korean david and i know he is another man that needs a lot of work but because he was so nice to me and like i told him i dont think he knows how much he and atlanta healed me but i appreciate him so much he really did make me feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. after feeling so insecure, shitty, overweight and disgusted with richard, myself, his women and just been here in az dealing it with him, going back and forth with him. but then i take a random ass trip to atlanta just bc this guy i hung out with a handful of times 5 years ago invited me and i agree and days leading up to the trip im nervous af to see max, scared as hell because i have not flown in literally years maybe a decade and almost cancelled because i was worried what my parents and most importantly what richard would think. but i took the chance and made the leap and i swear i came out a different person on the other side. the first thing max said to me when he came to pick me up from the airport was that i looked good and that was just the first of many compliments i received that memorial day weekend. and after having to tell richard that a girl needs compliments, and after changing up my entire makeup routine and wardrobe after being cheated on because i felt so out of my element and like i am undesireable. and having to explain to richard why what he did has scarred me mentally and emotionally and possibly cause a whole body dispora that i dont think he would begin to understnad what that means. mr max just complimented just because in atlanta. he made me feel like a damaged exiled princess in a new land where she can find happiness again.

anyway when i had time away from richard i get over him, i make progress and when we spend time together then i relapse and i rememebr something my therapist asked me "after atlanta how are things with you and richard? are you still getting pulled in?" and i said No. confidently although she didnt know he was at my house but i felt like i was over him and done with him, and california didn't pull me back to him but spending time at my house and in my room for like 10 days definitely did and i didn't know it was going to do that because i thought i was sure of my feelings or i was confident in how far i have come i guess and now i know i have cause a reset and i rememebr not wanting a reset with him before san fran when my uncle asked me if he was coming and i thought to myself i didnt want him to go because i didnt want to reset. anyways i think the thing about the reset is that i FORGET that my feelings get involved too and i think i was aware of the emotions part before but because atlanta has given me somewhat of a memory wipe i had forgotten about the emotional aspect. so now i know that i am definitely still healing from richard, my feelings are still there and i definitely still want someone to love and to have company because i definitely enjoyed it when i had it with him this past week. and i remember thinking one day/night that i kind of wish we could go back to our original plans. but those thoughts also make me sad so fuck it all still i guess.

idk this post just took a whole ass turn, maybe i will post more tomorrow because it's 1:30 and i'm tired and idk what i want to say anymore

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