#it makes me happy to think about him bc if I think he’s so nice people might think that about me someday :)))
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I love jannik sinner I hope he wins every competition they could ever conceive of in this sport
#love post for my man because whenever I watch interviews with him and see him acting like his calm socially awkward self it makes me emote#so strongly bc we’re so similar personality wise and I like seeing myself in someone so successful and cool and#it makes me happy to think about him bc if I think he’s so nice people might think that about me someday :)))#anyways he is so loved and will never see this but he is!!!!! And I do and that’s all#tennis#jannik sinner#miami open#aedamame rambles incoherently about the man of the moment
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suggesting something,,
#akoya gero#my art#.........i meant for him to be talking to kinchan and originally had him say 'president'#but then i thought i'll leave it ambiguous.........#..........#im suffering with embarrassment from whatever the hell i was on about last weekend#the tags about the game made me remember an old ....thing i wanted and i couldnt stop thinking about it#like actually i really wanted it but i can't.... i can't just say it in public to no one and just leave it out there#i want someone to know what it is and be nice to me about it but i don't want to be made fun of ;;;;;;;;#my feelings manifested into an akoya ........#he.. wants to do ...something with kinchan i guess... orz#please dont guess it's anything i haven't drawn before... but its probably safe to guess its something ive drawn before ....... ;;#OWWWWW A JAPANESE PERSON SAID SOMETHING CUTE ABOUT THIS AND IM EMBARRASSED;;;;;#they were like '?!! what's wrong? why is he crying?!!'#HES CRYING CUZ HES EMBARRASSED. IM EMBARRASSEd..... im sorry .....#i want to say it but i dont want to if i dont know if anyone will be nice to me ;;;;;;;;;#i.. i cant explain to the nice japanese person bc im too embarrassed .....#it's ooc and doesn't make sense in canon .......#but.. i was happy they asked why he was crying... thank you.... ;___;#........i responded to it after all#but i can't explain more than that he wants to ask for somehting but he's too embarrassed so he's crying
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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.
Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.
#my characters#waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit#deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee#and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name#deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c#man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while#he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair#ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so#its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons#but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me#and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not#fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew#and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable#while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts#and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed#so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en#so you know maybe its that idk#and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now#and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it#and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad#that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal#and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it#the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer#anyway story time in the tags again#im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note#its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him#he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times#and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea#and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you
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more thoughts! this time even more loose points that is mostly about Anubis' stay at camp half-blood
Also! Everyone is very welcome to add onto this, send questions/suggestions for the au, etc! :D I also do have the urge to turn this into a fic but that is quite unlikely since i haven't read any of the books since i was. 12 (Same as before, eventual updates will be found in the reblogs until I come up with a good AU tag!)
I know that realistically, this lil au would follow the plots of the book(s) but I also cannot for the life of me remember more about the third book other than "demigods find the hades kids and then Bianca dies" so at this point this is just me throwing out whatever feels nice between my brain wrinkles.
You know who would have been the first one to figure out that Anubis is an egyptian god? Rachel, but she doesn't show up properly until multiple books later, at which point he definitely would have been revealed. She could have taken one look at him and notice that he is both a god and definitely not (entirely) greek, and then promptly pull him aside and demand answers. I think she would agree to keep quiet about his secret but also would find some way to tease him about it.
It could possibly be Annabeth that figures him out first but I also do not really think she would have any reason to suspect that he is an non-greek god, just perhaps not entirely human/demigod-y. The more time Annabeth spends trying solve whatever tf is up with Anubis, the more happy he is that there are no demigods of Thoth.
I also assume Hades kids don't typically end up at the camp since there is no Hades cabin and all, which means that Chiron and Dionysos either A) have absolutely 0 idea why Anubis came along with the other demigods, or B) they do know what he have been up to, but decide he isn't enough of a threat to have to be dealt with.
(I HC that Anubis is very charming and respectful to elder/higher ranking gods, so I could imagine that Dionysos was sceptical until Anubis like. Bowed and greeted him with "Lord Dionysos" and shit, to which he was totally on board with letting him stay at the camp).
Since the "claim your damn kids and pay your child support" oath isn't taken until the last book, I don't think Hades would claim any of the siblings until like. He has threatened both Zeus and Poseidon to the point of compliance, if even then, so Anubis kinda has to balance not being suspicious, not seeming like he knows to much, making sure the kids' death abilities don't go haywire, and also reassuring them that no, their godly parent doesn't hate them, they (the gods in general) are just weird.
I am very inbetween no one suspecting anything weird with any of the siblings, or the campers thinking Anubis specifically is just really uncanny for some reason. Like, first of all, he claims to be a 16 year old demigod, which is rare in itself and especially so with no prior contact to Camp Half-Blood, and secondly, he probably hates lying outright bc of his whole work with Maat so like every other sentence sounds like he is hiding something because he has to lie but he doesn't want to, and he also probably doesn't really know how. Not to even mention the fact that he is the most intimidating out of these 70+ year old siblings in the first place.
NGL, I think he would try to keep Bianca from joining the hunters of Artemis, only because. Well. she is 12 and has absolutely 0 training in her godly powers or weaponry/fighting at all. Whether or not he is successful in convincing her to join the lesbian commune when she is older is an entirely different story. But hey, if she does and she still dies, he can feel really guilty about it!
No matter if it is PJO or actual mythology, I am always convinced Anubis and Hermes are really good friends, so I do find it funny to imagine Anubis having to bunk with the children of one of his best friends or exes. Although I think out of all the demigods (other than Nico and Bianca) he would like the Hermes kids most.
Anubis would still put most of his focus on the siblings/Nico, but I also feel like Dionysos and Chiron would still tell him that, if he is going to stay at the camp with the Di Angelos, he has to do what the campers does and follow their schedules. Imagine being an egyptian god of death and funerals but now you are a babysitter doing arts and crafts or playing capture the flag with like. Children.
I also quite like the thought of like. How Anubis would be found out. Did Bianca and Nico get suspicious when he keeps disappearing to talk privately to Chiron/Mr. D/Hades? Do they assume he knows something because, before CHB, he claimed to know quite a lot about their father's "testament"? Do the other campers just get really really suspicious? Did he do the classic folly of "I have to play fighting games with children and while I am good, I am not that good and oh shit they see that my blood is quite literally liquid gold. Whoops."? Is he forced to reveal the truth on Hades' orders, or because he has to deal with whatever the fuck is going on with the egyptian pantheon? Or did Annabeth simply figure out what he is and confront him about it?
(Honestly there could be a big chance he just got really fucking tired, stayed in his jackal-form for a while, and Annabeth decided the only reason a black jackal would be at camp could be an egyptian god infiltrating said camp, and technically she is right).
I also do like, in the very small chance that Hades decides to claim his kids, since Zeus and Poseidon know he would murder the fuck out of what is left of their children if they tried to hurt them, he also claims Anubis to keep up appearances for the time being. Like eventually the entire "I got the egyptian god of death to babysit my kids" thing turned into "well, I guess I am fighting for custody over the egyptian god of death".
With the above point, I do love Anubis being super duper confused about it because THAT was definitely not part of the plan. And it is not like he can explain to anyone why he is so confused when some might already have assumed he knew who their godly parent was.
Honestly the thought of Anubis doing the equivalent of attending kindergarten to keep the Di Angelo siblings safe is quite funny to me.
Still refusing to reread PJO/TKC but it is still infesting my brain so woe crossover au be upon yall
Au where Anubis casually gets assigned to be Bianca's and Nico's older brother, anyone?
(messy points below, mostly from Anubis' pov coz he is my pookie)
Like, once the other Egyptian gods start dropping like flies because the magicians are imprisoning them, assuming they may also go after Anubis, he turns to Hades as a very very very last resort because, well, he would like to not be imprisoned for all eternity, thank you very much. Hades agrees on the condition that Anubis looks after his demigods, since he otherwise really isn't to any use of him, which Anubis accepts. So, Anubis is basically the Hades/Pluto demigods' divine babysitter in exchange for some protection from the magicians who may or may not also want to imprison him.
I shall say that this either works bc A) Hades kids radiate enough death so that he can be around them without a host or B) it is all just bureaucracy so when the rest of the Egyptian gods are gone those rules simply do not really apply.
Anyways, once the Big Three ProphecyTM rolls around and Maria Di Angelo kicks the bucket, Anubis is left in charge of making sure the Di Angelo siblings survive, taking them to and staying with them at the Lotus Casino and the different schools that Hades moves them around to, either as their "older brother"/guardian or as their pet dog that the authorities simply don't bat an eye at.
The siblings, with their memories absolutely fucked up, simply accepts that they either have a brother, a dog, an older brother who is occasionally a dog, or a dog that only conveniently shows up when their brother isn't there and vice versa.
And since I haven't read any RR books since I was 12 and I never read the HOO series, I can't really talk much about the logistics from here on out but. I have some thoughts in general.
Anubis makes sure that he takes the majority of the responsibilities, so that Bianca can be a little more happy and a little less stressed than she would have been if she was alone looking after her little brother.
He also happily distracts Nico when Bianca needs a break, he can genuinely listen to Nico ramble about whatever for hours, remembers it quite well and can return the conversation, which Bianca rarely has energy for.
(He was the exact same when he was young and wants to make sure Nico has someone that listens to him)
Genuinely cannot rest until he makes sure the siblings are fine and safe, which becomes a bit of a problem when Bianca goes on her first and last quest, and even more of a problem when he is more stuck in the Brooklyn House and he has to keep contacting Nico before he allows himself or Walt to rest as a result of that.
He is so so so so SO protective of the siblings. He is absolutely ready to die or kill for them. He is not a fighter, more often than not a pacifist, but when it comes to them he is the first to throw hands.
Also him absolutely being ready to kill the demigods that find the siblings at the military school coz he is so used to the "any demigod or magician is here to kill one of us and I have to protect them at all costs" mode that he has been kinda stuck in for the last 70 or so years, minimum.
He is merely an older sibling running on the equivalent of 3 hours of sleep and 2 strong coffees, which really doesn't help the situation once shit starts going down in Brooklyn/the Egyptian pantheon.
Speaking of the Brooklyn House. After being a Divine BabysitterTM for like 2000 years he genuinely cannot get rid of those base instincts, which ends up with him fussing over the Kanes/Walt/Zia and the rest of the initiates because those are CHILDREN and they need to REST and be SAFE and EAT PROPERLY and TAKE YOUR DAMN VITAMINES, WALT.
Because of those 2000 years of babysitting, Anubis is genuinely amazing with kids. You'd think they'd be scared by him, but no. He is the first one they run to when they scraped their knee and need a band aid and a hug.
He also 100% stares right into Percy's and Will's souls the moment he finds out Nico has/had crushes on them. Despite being raised in an entirely different time he definitely is a "no dating until you are at least 25 otherwise I might have a heart attack" sibling and he is not letting some random demigod break his lil brother's heart. He accepts Will well enough though coz he makes Nico laugh which in the end is the most important thing.
Will might actually be more intimidated by Anubis than Hades but that doesn't stop him. Nico is his babygirl and he knows Anubis is (probably) more bark than bite (most of the time).
No matter if Hades allows him to like. stop being a babysitter once the gods are restored and Ma'at is balanced and all, Anubis still sticks around and checks in on Nico (and eventually Hazel). He gets antsy if he hasn't heard from them at least once a day.
He probably has a good base relationship with Jason and Reyna (bc both are protective older siblings when it comes to Nico) but he keeps Percy at a distance ever since Bianca's death (not that he blames him). But he isn't particularly close to any of them, as his priorities lay with Nico, Hazel, and the Brooklyn House.
Assuming Anubis doesn't like. Introduce himself to the greeks as "Anubis" and instead says he is someone else, I have absolutely no idea when or if he would ever tell any of the greek demigods what he truly is. But I suppose Nico would eventually find out that his older brother actually isn't related to him at all, or even from the greek pantheon, and instead only happened to become his older brother as a favour to Hades. Depending on how he finds out he definitely could get upset but I like to believe he sorta figures eventually, and is just happy Anubis genuinely cares for him.
I also like to think that the greek gods they meet when the demigods take the siblings from the school to camp half-blood, just gives Anubis A LookTM. Either they are fully aware he is protecting the Hades kids or they think an Egyptian god is just casually hanging out with some random demigods. Which must certainly be a sight to behold.
Can yall for a moment imagine being the Kane siblings, trying to get the feather of truth from the god of death to avoid the impending apocalypse, who then says "sorry I am mostly on babysitting duty so I can't really help yall more than this, good luck tho."
Walt who meets Nico and is so conflicted because in one way he is slightly weirded out by this tiny depressed gremlin, but in another way the Anubis PartTM of him is just going "protect protect protect protect", which is a weird first impression.
One of the Kane siblings would be interested in Mythomagic, I just know it. Either Sadie coz it is funky or Carter bc it is nerdy. Either way, Nico has at least one Kane to bond with bc of it.
Nico just has the ultimate diplomatic immunity because he can go between Camp Half-blood, Camp Jupiter, and the Brooklyn House basically as he pleases.
On a completely different topic, the majority of Nico's wardrobe is just shit he has stolen from Anubis, he just lets it happen, in part because it is not like he as a god has a limited wardrobe, and in part bc Nico is absolutely adorable when he drowns in Anubis' jackets bc they are too big for him.
Also, Anubis helping Nico train his death magic, and teaching him the easiest ways to build endurance while using it.
Frankly the thought of the rest of the gods being banished, imprisoned, in exile or attempting to free themselves while Anubis is playing babysitter is very funny to me in general. Imagine being Isis or Osiris and attempting to ask your nephew/son what he did during the 2000 years yall were imprisoned and he goes "I took a side job as a babysitter to pay the bills".
Honestly I might reblog this with more thoughts eventually. They are all just so pookie.
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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My toxic trait is that I like how my incomplete drawings look better than the finished things
#im sorry i cant be her (my searching lines)#i cant stop thinking about this drawing i have a sinking feeling that im gonna be very unhappy when its done#or. not unhappy. but not as excited as i feel about it now!#i only worked in two short chunks on it but both were pretty productive#i have a feeling that when i take the time to really dedicate myself to it im gonna fuck something up#like i can see areas i need to/can improve already but the glaring flaws are ok! bc it's not finished!#it OVERALL looks cool and LOOKS like it has the potential to turn out well#but will it... WILL IT??? WILL IT EVER?#i have never been so totally completely satisfied w any finished drawing ive dedicated myself to fully.#tales from diana#this is also only the second time ive done a really deliberate self-portrait that wasnt in some for or another. practice#like of course ive drawn my face before. not that often actually. but since yes i do draw. i have drawn myself#i probably should've drawn myself more times for how often i think id like a nice picture of myself#but then again its not gonna be so 'nice' if i make it and am not totally happy w it?#see one of the ppl who inspired me to learn to draw is ned @sneez my dearest. he's spoiled me before#and drawn me very beautifully on several occasions and it's very much a thing to move one's heart#to see someone dedicate their talent to depicting YOU.#and i might say HE has made me look more beautiful in art than i think i'll ever look in the flesh#which is not to say he drew me inaccurately. but he's so talented that his art is more beautiful than life.#and i dont compare myself in skill to him bc he's been doing it for YEARS and way more trained than me in the visual arts.#like it simply wouldn't be fair so i only compare myself to myself. naturally#but i used to think. very VAINLY i might say. that if i could draw like him id draw beautiful pictures of myself all the time#well ce n'est pas ca mon ami. since learning to draw i've found im much more interested in drawing ppl i find beautiful#rather than myself. im not art. not through my own eyes at least.#i should really draw ned sometime. i really should.#actually somewhat embarrasingly i tried to draw him like 5 or 6 years ago. and i NEVER tried to draw then#i did show him tho and he thought it was very impressive but that's probably just bc he loves me. xoxox#maybe ill post that someday as a throwback just for the hell of it. lol. thatd be cute
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when the kind-of-therapist says you're making progress.........
#maybe i will be okay#also i do see the progress. except when i'm deep into my anxiety then i feel like everything is awful and i'll never heal#but hey. that isn't all the time#also i came out to him as nonbinary :) i planned to but almost didn't but then before leaving i was like uh can i tell you something#and i felt nervous but did it! i knew he'd be chill with it it's just always nerve-wracking to come out#but like i'm pretty sure he's trans so no one else irl feels safer to tell something like that to#and it's nice when i don't have to pretend i'm a man? bc ppl are comfortable with that? i mean i don't even pretend ppl just assume#i almost never bother tho cause like i don't have it in me to explain. it's so tiring explaining my gender to cis people#so assume what you want i'm not happy with that but it is what it is#it's definitely been nice to have one of the mental health professionals who works with me be trans like. makes the difference#i've been so tired of cis people and i never thought i'd get to talk in that context to someone who's not. being able to talk about trans#things freely (or at all) and knowing i'm being if not understood bc experiences differ at least listened to with empathy and a level of#i guess understanding of the whole picture. like all my love to my therapist-therapist but#i think he's cis (i'm sure tbh) and when i mention trans things sometimes i have to explain stuff that's not what i wanted to talk about#but that's needed knowledge to understand and he doesn't have it. a trans person does#and it's honestly a bit frustrating when i have to do that#nico rambles
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i miss my ex but i don’t miss the effect he had on me something terrible happens to me when im in a relationship and it just ruins everything
#i just don’t want anyone to have that much power over me again#i feel like i need to do a loooooooot of personal development before i can feel confident that it won’t happen again#it’s just in my nature to do whatever other people want especially if i care about them and want them to be happy#i have to learn how to tone that down though or i’m going to keep ruining my own life over and over on accident#also he was really mean to me and made me feel bad a lot but idk if i’m sensitive or if he was rly mean or maybe both?#i can’t even be friends w him bc i know he will be able to talk me into getting back w him#and it’ll work on me bc i’m really easy to manipulate#so i have to just never see him again. and he was like the only person i spent any time with for years#and at first i was like yay finally i can see other people!!!!!!#and i am still happy about that i don’t want to give that up but i do wish i could have a nice time with him#we have some really nice memories together#i wish he was someone that was still safe for me but he’s not i do not trust him#he also shows me constantly that he doesn’t care about what i want he just wants to be with me and come live w me again#like i really don’t think he gives a fuck about what i want or my wellbeing if it clashes w what he wants then he doesn’t care#he’s been saying a loooooot of stuff to me that makes me very confident that our relationship cannot be repaired
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One of my brothers is moving away to college today + I have to skip therapy, so it’s a lot of… a lot. a lot.
#he was just a baby! he was just a little kid I carried around and took care of!#no nope. not gonna get into it right now. I WILL cry. it’s not even 6am and I do not need that right now#and I don’t really know if therapy today would really help#if I got into it I’d just start crying in front of this nice dude for an hour#though yeah… might be nice to.. I dunno… just talk about it.#I am always simultaneously ‘therapy is good’ and ‘what’s the point in talking about it?’#so maybe I do need that person that’s like ‘this is your time. just fucking talk.’#but also right now it’s like… talking about it won’t take me back to when my brother was little and far off from leaving#blegh…#whatever. anyway. it’s gonna be a sad day. I’m gonna cry A LOT. I’m gonna be alone in this apartment and just sooooobbbbbbing#and then keep this inside for another week before I can go to therapy and talk about this bc god forbid I talk to a family member about it#ok now it’s 6am. I think he’s leaving in about 4 hours. it’s cool. it’ll be cool. 😎 I’ll just miss my bro so dang much#but maybe I’ll walk down to the dollar store and stock up on snacks and I’ll get blasted and fatter and try to stay positive#uggghhh#I’m too emotional#time just keeps moving for us all. to my dismay.#’time is the fire in which we burn’#you can ignore this#I don’t think I’ll ever have kids. I’ll never have kids. and being there. with him. with my brothers. that was the closest I’ll ever get.#and it’s over… so… 🤷🏻♂️… it’s just done… they’re grown. and I’m still here. I don’t know what else to say…#but that’s life. they’re doing their thing. I’m happy for them and I want them to be happy too. I’m just a big crybaby#IAN!… stop typing!#just making myself sad at this point#it’s fine. it’s fine. I’m fine. I’m cool. everything’s… cool 😎#this isn’t important#text
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LISTEN UP EVERYONE:
think about someone you haven't talked to in a long time.
if they died now, would you regret not talking to them?
if you would, maybe you should talk to them.
#i'm saying this bc#well here we go again#death tw#one of my uncles just passed away and my aunt is talking about how much remorse she's feeling for not having talked to him while she could#and that made me think about my brother who i have not talked to in months over petty fights#you know. things that bother you but in the end of the day they don't really matter you know?#these “dumb” things make me not wanna talk to him to “give him a lesson” but if he just died right now#i'd regret it so fucking much#so idk i thought it would be nice to post about this here in case someone is going through smth similar#pls talk to them. they might need it. they might get so happy actually. don't let it become “too late”#well anyway it's 03:39 and i can't sleep bc me and my mom are planning to go to his funeral and things are bad#i liked him a lot but tbh i don't think i'll feel as shitty as some deaths that ocurred some time ago :(#jeez i don't even wanna think about it
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me: yeah so we haven't had a meeting about it yet, but I asked my coworkers about past interns and why they left; chances are they won't hire me full time at my internship immediately. However, the chances of having it extended are pretty good, and I like what I'm doing, and they're going to be talking about budget in July. Sure my finances are a little tight but--
my sperm donor (only slightly exaggerated): look for a new job immediately and tell them if they won't hire you full time you're leaving. and no, I don't care if you don't find something in your industry and you have to settle for a job that will make you hate being alive even more than you already do. Also I'm going to ignore how long it took you to find this internship to begin with
me:
#dylawa rambles#dylawa rants#this man gives zero fucks about actually seeing me go into what I fucking trained to do he just wants me to make him money#i am literally sick to my stomach right now thinking about job hunting again#'i want to see you successful and happy' okay why are you still charging me rent then#why are you making job hunting even more of a traumatic experience than it already is#literally said to him 'I don't trust my chances of finding a new job within two months' and his response: 'oh well go work customer service#it took me MONTHS to find just this internship and it's a miracle it's paid at all#it's in a nice office with nice people and i have my own computer and they feed me almost daily!#i'll live another six months in this hellhole if it means I get a guaranteed post-internship job like this#is it the ideal job? absolutely the hell not#the commute sucks i don't have work from home so i can't get away with doing other shit on the side#i feel limited in what the role requires of me vs what I'd like to make#but good fuck it's better than food service or retail#but nooooo he needs me to be his little rent cash cow without him feeling guilty about it#very tempted to bail even if it means I start eating through my savings a little bit#I don't know if I can go through the daily interrogations of 'did you apply? why aren't you hearing back? it's your fault' again#i have somewhere to go but I'm trying to keep it very 'last resort' territory#A) it would make my current work commute twice as long#B) it would require completely burning bridges with my old man bc I'd have to move out in secret#not just because i don't want him to know where the people who are sheltering me live#but also because if he saw that place even if he was willingly letting me move out he'd say 'absolutely not'#because I don't trust him not to do something weird. not necessarily DANGEROUS but. weird.#I want to burn all bridges someday!#but even now that I own my car it's still not the safest course of action#I'm so sick of being stuck dawg!#dylawa vents
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sorry we've been MIA y'all shit really hit the fan
#milo.txt#uhhhh long story short i have been deeply unwell and not happy for a bit and#i think i didn't realize it bc i was working so hard but i talked to multiple people about options!#like leaving my group or switching projects or leaving this institution#im going to try switching projects and lasers#((thé laser i work on is probs the most complex and fickle + my project is like ... difficult bc we don't know what to expect))#R — guy in my group — and i are working together and it's been good getting to know him#he's really nice and answers my questions quite well#and we talked about how i haven't been feeling happy and he validated those feelings but also gave me advice on how to like#work through them?#like oh yeah milo i just ignore when our PI says we should be pulling 18 hour days that's stupid#so . anyways!#were trying so hard to make it through yeehaw
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Okay actually following what I said earlier I see that anyone who writes about this man is performing a service to the community
#went on a03 and searched Pouf's name out of curiosity and found 10 pages; half of them maybe actually about him holy shit#i knew he wasnt a fan favorite but. my god. the most surreal aspect was scrolling and recognizing author names#bc they've posted their works here too sjdkdsj my ridiculous fluff fic is an important act for this community actually#i saw some writing where someone broke glass and wanted to make him clean it up then shoved him into it#and that's what's prompting me here; to each their own im definitely not into the strong dom and sub dynamic there#but my god. what if we made him happy actually djffjfk like yeah angst fits him so well and it is fucking delicious under the right#circumstances but also. what if we stopped being mean to him fjkdj i know he's earned it like i KNOW but.#i am going to be so nice and sweet to this bug and am no longer concerned about characterization after what i saw on a03 jfjffk#i like to imagine i do a fairly decent job of writing him but i think I'm worrying over nothing - it's just nice to have content of him lmao#shai speaks
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my haaaaaands are still fucked uuuuuup but when they’re unfucked up i’m gonna draw smth so sexy and delicious for my new skyrim oc i can see the comp in my mind’s eye it’d just make my hands fall off if i tried to draw it
#he’s a liiiiiiitle bit of a serial killer so i’m envisioning him in like a white gown/robe with his hair up like in fucking. ella enchanted#in the garden with caryalind thallery but the knife behind his back is just coated in blood and there’s a pile of bodies behind him that we#can see but cary can’t see. i LOVE cary btw if you haven’t tried him as a follower highly highly recommend#vaynis is a character i didn’t think i’d get all that attached to i just wanted to try out the ancient falmer mod and then i got like. SO#attached to him immediately. he’s not actually an ancient falmer he’s just like. a non betrayed falmer who’s 23. his dad was like the#ultimate ‘i survive everything bc i’m good at hiding’ kinda guy who was a child when the snow prince died and he just fucked off into the#jerall mountains for forever basically. and another falmer (much younger) stumbled on him up there and was like ‘dude wtf if you have#immortality magic why do you live in a wizard shack in the mountains’ and he was like ‘well. i’m wicked scared all the time you see’#so in exchange for teaching her the immortality spell he was like ‘will you have a baby with me so the falmer don’t die out’ and she was#like ‘yeah ok but i’m not raising this fucking baby. i’m leaving i’m not a mom. you won’t make me a mom’ and he was like ‘yeah sure ok’#secretly thinking if he built her a tower she’d stay. so every day he’d build the tower bit by bit with magic and everyday she’d plan to#leave and like in a fairytale they had the ‘i’m going to leave’ ‘i know’ conversation but then vaynis was born and she actually DID leave bc#she wasn’t a mom! she told him that! but he was like shocked bc he was a moron. and so he locked vaynis in his wizard tower and only let him#out to teach him how to hunt and track and forage. and vaynis really wanted to see the world but his dad would never change. so he planned#to leave and he picked himself out a nice breton adventurer to seduce into taking him along only when his dad found out he killed the breton#and locked vaynis back in the tower. and vaynis waited and watched and planned and pretended like he was sorry. and then one day he#knifed him in his sleep. and took his shit and escaped. but auriel wasn’t super happy about that so he shipwrecked him. and ever since theb#vaynis has been pretty pathetic. he’s working on it but like. it really is kinda embarassing to watch. anyway his new scheme for glory is to#join the thalmor and he IS really pretty so this thalmor agent in solitude was like ‘hey the heir to the aldmeri dominion is also here and#we like. really need him back and with his head in the game. the nords are stupid they think you’re a altmer but like. i know a bitch whose#race is supposed to be extinct when i see one. you seduce caryalind thallery back into line and we’ll help you do whatever you wanna do to#restore the falmer. ideally it’s integrate with us.’ so vaynis obviously takes that fucking opportunity but problems arise bc caryalind#isn’t quite as seduceable as previously thought. yeah he’s flirty but he’s also looking for something serious and trying to become a better#person. so vaynis is on a journey of ‘get aldmeri prince to marry me and have his baby to achieve greatness’ when they stumble into helgen#after alduin attacks (bc as we all know i’m addicted to the ‘the prisoner dies and akatosh has to pick a new dragonborn’ narrative’ and he#) and akatosh picks vaynis honestly? to be funny. i love interpreting akatosh as a smartass it’s so funny to me#‘yeah there’s a whole world riding on this but like. wouldn’t it be kinda hilarious to see what happens?’#alternatively maybe akatosh and auriel are one in the same. you decide#anyway becoming the dragonborn really complicates this plan like. MOST severely
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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oh man this song throws me so viscerally back to like october 2018... i am metaphysically transported back to my old job at an ice cream shop like wow....... isn't it so wild how music is actually that powerful
#I would listen to this album in the car otw there and whilst i was opening up the shop#makes me think about driving after work to hang out with my now ex bf at his appt and feeling so happy and grateful for life every day#lol..... Idk it was like a nice part of my life for a while. even tho I don't rly think of that guy very fondly anymore#i do have many memories attached to a lot of music around him#mostly bc i did a lot of driving to hang out with him all the time and so i was just listening to a lot of music in the car#also he was the second guy i ever dated and i just thought he was so cool and he had music playing all the time at his place#a lot of travis scott and gus dapperton. lol#my best secret talent is that i never find myself unable to listen to a song bc of the memories attached#like actually my bond with the music is stronger than anything.#anyway I'm getting sleepy and silly. Ok gn lol this album is very fun!! u should listen!#glad#Spotify
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