#it makes everything make sense and also not gross

[specialgradefckr]

The Strongest Feminist

tw: explicit content. satoru/reader. toxic frat boy cultures, misogyny, shitty behavior in general, non-consensual filming, stalking. satoru is a hilarious mixture of oblivious, in denial, insecure, and stupid fuckboy lmao.

Part Two of Fuckboy Gojo

fuckboy satoru gojo who doesn't know what to do.

sure, you talk to him all the time. you're "friends" - acquaintances, more like - but you don't really know each other.

not like how he knows you. knows what you look like naked, how cute your little pussy is (and that you wax. the asshole in the chat gloated about how he convinced you to do that before fucking you. said it was weird for a girl to have hair down there), how awful your taste in men is.

and also how cute you are when you laugh, how you have a surprising sense of humor and a passion for your major, for reading and writing and your face scrunches up when you concentrate just like it did when you cum -

okay. okay, okay, if he keeps thinking about that he's gonna go crazy. the point is, he knows you. he knows you real well.

but he's not sure you know him.

maybe you're too polite to ask. it's common knowledge the crowd he runs with, that he's a frat boy and all around man whore.

you never seemed to look at him different afterwards. even though you dated (fucked) one, yourself, and that guy treated you like shit and oh god do you think he's like that? you don't think satoru would treat you like that, right?

that's not the reason you haven't asked him out yet, or flirted with him. you don't think he's like that asshole, right???

you don't know anything about the group chat or their score cards (virgins worth ten points. god, it was gross, actually, wasn't it?) or the stuff satoru used to do with dumb girls who thought he actually liked them-

but he wouldn't do that to you! no way! you're sweet and friendly and you look at him with this sparkle in your eyes and everything! you don't deserve to be treated like that!

satoru gojo who finds himself hoping you haven't heard anything about him. who slips in mentions in conversation that there's lots of rumors out there about him - lots of jealous people of both genders. he gets a lot of attention, you see.

you don't tell him what you've heard, but you seem to take his words at face value. smiling, reassuring him, telling him he's been nothing but kind to you -

(he still jerks off to that video of you. every night now. sometimes twice a day.)

-and that's good, but it's not enough.

something must be stopping you from seeing him as an option. even though he's complained to you once or twice about being single.

he knows you're single. asked around - people will tell him anything and everything. it's gross, actually. he hates gossip. people have always talked about him, and now, it's getting in the way of his relationship with you.

he's getting more and more disgusted by the shit they say, they used to do, in that chat. in that friend group.

he doesn't want to stay, but what if they upload anything else about you? what about what they've done already?

satoru gojo who becomes a women's studies major - that's how disgusted he is. how removed he is from his previous attitudes.

he's not like how he was before. he's not like them. he cares, now. about women, about you.

it's like penance, in a way. his good deeds, making up for all the times he wronged those other girls. he reads about feminist literature, about emotional labor and mental loads and even sexual stereotypes.

man. women have it tough. it makes him feel bad, sends a churning in his gut, that you have to deal with stuff like this - being paid less, taken less seriously, always having to do more work in the relationship than their male counterparts.

if he were with you he'd never let it be like that. satoru would treat you like a queen, a goddess. someone to be worshipped and revered and adored.

because you are adorable. and sweet, and funny, and charming and beautiful and every other word for something good.

best thing that's ever happened to him, really.

he gets your number, at least - he's taking some classes from your major, too. it's hard to help being interested in it when he hears you talk about it, the interest and enthusiasm lighting up your face when he asks you the right questions.

god, he could hear you talk forever. you're so cute when you're being all smart and nerdy and stuff.

maybe it makes sense that he can't stop jerking off to the video of you.

well, he remembers from his classes that it's not supposed to be a woman's fault when men find her attractive. but! maybe it's not his fault either!

it's just like a... pre-game. you're going to start dating eventually, and you'd be flattered for him to jerk off to you afterwards. he's just fudging the dates a little.

see? he was paying attention!

he always pays attention when it has to do with you. it's a wonder you haven't noticed yet. he sends you good morning texts, talks to you about classwork, your hobbies and stuff.

maybe you'd even call him a friend. but friend isn't what he wants to be.

not that it's a bad thing! he's not complaining about the friendzone or anything!

but no one in their entire life has ever asked to be just his friend. even suguru bowed out of it later. plus, he's seen your pussy (not that you knew about that).

anyways, he has to find some way to get... closer. to get you to want to date him.

to be honest it's weird that you haven't even flirted with him or anything. but satoru can't blame you. maybe you're shy!

or maybe, he thinks, recalling the group chat... maybe you've just been burned already.

a part of him (which has has dubbed his "inner feminist") rankles in unbridled fury at the thought. you don't deserve that. you didn't deserve any of that.

and he didn't deserve to suffer for it, either. he would never! not to you, anyways.

but he's got to find something. some way to ingratiate himself to you. to get closer. he can't just come out and say it - that would be weird!

and... and what if you say no?

of course you want him. everyone wants him. even when his own parents stopped wanting him around, they still wanted him to do shit for them. get the degree, help run the business, all sorts of shit.

he's rich, handsome, and he has so much to offer. it's not a question of if you want him. he's sure you do - but maybe... maybe you'd reject him because you're afraid of being hurt again.

that makes sense. that's why he's afraid. he's afraid, you're afraid - but the love is there! he knows it! you could be so happy together!

there must be some way to prove that he's not like that guy, he's different. the women's studies thing, they're nice, but they don't make him fuckable. they don't make you see him.

not that he was doing it just to get your attention! he was doing it because he's a feminist, now!

that's why he stays in the group chat. if that guy uploads another video of you, if he has another video (he swore he didn't, but bitches like him will say anything under pressure), satoru has to know about it.

so he can tell you. yeah. to warn you.

yeah... he'll warn you.

there's a new video in the group chat.

it's obviously you in the thumbnail. a candid recording. he only sees you in the first few seconds before he pauses it, heart racing out of his chest.

fuck. fuck, no. can he - can he really do this?

this is awful. vile. sure, he watched the first video they sent about you but he didn't know you then.

didn't know how nice your smile was. didn't know you'd show it to him if only he looked your way. didn't realize how good it would feel just to be near you.

now, he wants to protect you. get close to you. treat you right, give you the things that asshole was too much of a loser to give you.

he - he's different from those guys. he IS. he cares about you.

the video is already uploaded. he can't stop now. it's there, in the group chat, where anyone can see it.

he can't back out now. he has to go through with this.

satoru gojo presses play.

the video... it's not sexy.

it's candid, sure. it's obvious you can't tell you're being filmed. but then he catches the surroundings.

this is inside your house. the video is being taken inside your house.

he sees you pick up a scarf - a gift he'd slipped you, covertly, just a few days ago.

and then.

the camera moves.

it shifts in a way that makes it obvious it's being held. there's a soft breathing sound in the background.

the video goes on for a few minutes until it cuts to black.

of course, your little ex boyfriend (ex situationship? piece of fucking shit lying little bitch) denies having taken it.

oh, he runs his mouth. says he's been trying to get you off his back for weeks, why would he follow you around? you're the one who was texting and calling and pining for him like a lost puppy.

(his fists hurt from clenching so hard.)

piece of shit. how the fuck would he know that you were pining for him if he really wasn't paying attention? satoru has to do all this fucking shit to win your trust just because somebody broke your heart!

he says he wouldn't date you if he was paid, much less stalk your loser ass.

(like he'd be that lucky. maybe that's why the loser didn't date you, because he knew he could never keep a girl like you by his side.)

it's not convincing. it's not convincing at all. satoru presses him, reminds him that no one would believe that bullshit after what he's done -

and then the fucking loser reminds him - who knows?

nobody. nobody outside the group chat does. no one's going to report them. they can't, not without being implicated.

you never even knew you were being filmed the first time (your first time), and how could you have?

your first time. you didn't even get off. he ditched you, didn't pick up your calls, answer your texts.

(blood pools underneath his fingernails.)

satoru had let that happen to you. jerked off to it. and now there's a video of you in your own home. a stalker.

he... he has to tell you, doesn't he?

this is too much. too violating. too dangerous. he has to confess.

he can't let this go on any more.

but something jumps in his chest. there's no way to tell you about these videos without showing you, without you asking how he has it.

you'll want to know who sent it. you'll want to read the chat history. it's a group chat, he can't doctor it or adjust it.

he can't make up some other excuse for how he knows about this, because you need to know the real reason this was sent, to find the real culprit.

showing you the video without having any kind of explanation would just terrify you. it would be cruel.

but if you find out about this, about what he's done -

what will you do? will you ever look at him the same?

will you ever look at him again at all?

his mind races. plans. excuses. diversions. the group chat, the people in it. in your room. filming you.

you. you you you you you, you who are both everything and nothing to him. an acquaintance at best. he hasn't even asked you out yet.

you, who live rent-free in his head and make his whole heart ache.

you, writhing on that stupid fucking loser's cock, so close and he wouldn't even put in the effort to put you over the edge -

satoru knows what he has to do.

but what is he really willing to risk?

[oceanwithouthermoon]

another thing i dont like about the belief that soulmates are a strictly romantic thing is like... people in this fandom will be like "aiura and saiki are only not dating because hes aroace" which does not make sense and is weird 😭 so like you think soulmates have to be romantic but it can cancel out if one of them is physically incapable of feeling romantic feelings... which, even though its STRICTLY romantic in your mind, is apparently totally possible and somehow more acceptable than just not dating your "soulmate" because you dont like them like that

"theyre not dating AND hes aroace" makes sense. "theyre not dating BECAUSE hes aroace" does not make sense.

[front-facing-pokemon]

[silusvesuius]

testing out drawing maormer 🪸🐚🪸 and a nelvas 🧣📜🩷 i'll ramble about maormer a bit in the tags

[agalychnisspranneusroseus]

Got any trans HCs for the amphibia trio? I love the many different interpretations I've seen from this fandom

I don't know about specific headcanons, I know I'm considering making Anne trans in RiAAU but I haven't decided yet.

In one hand: it would be interesting to think how she deals with her first periods because, well, amphibians don't have those, and Hop Pop assumes she's dying (she doesn't tell anyone else because she's so embarrassed). Not that he tells her that, but it really freaks him out. He thinks she has some sort of internal damage, and it's only after months of research that he finds out about some rare mammalian species, such as a few monkeys and rodents, that experience the same cycle Anne goes through. The whole point of this is that it makes Anne feel even more out-of-place. She doesn't remember her world or her parents, only that she came from "somewhere" (possibly another continent) full of people of her species, and she wonders if things would have been easier if she grew up with her biological family. I mean, surely this would be easier. It just serves as a reminder that she knows nothing about her species, not even its name, and she has no idea of how her biology works or what is good and bad for her or how long she'll live or what changes she'll go through.

.

BUT, on the other hand: Trans Anne. Let's start with the obvious: amphibians don't have penises or vaginas and they reproduce externally, meaning they like... release eggs and sperm in the water and they mix without the involvement of either parent, meaning no one knows what the cultural significance of a "penis" or a "vagina" tends to be in most human cultures. As a literaly 3yo, Anne probably didn't have an extensive understanding of s.ex and gender, and it wasn't like the clothes she showed up with told Hop Pop much. She just knew that, as time went on, she found herself relating more and more to the female frogs of Wartwood, and she almost subconsciously began to refer to herself as a girl. There wasn't any big coming out moment, more like a point in which, after months of ambiguity (this kid kept using different pronouns for herself) she just settled on some good ol' she/her and began picking somewhat girly clothes when Hop Pop took her to the market.

It's not like the concept of trans people doesn't exist in Amphibia, it's just that Anne didn't realize that was her situation until, at least, meeting Marcy, and noticing the differences between them. It's not like either of them had ever seen another human from up close, so they didn't know what to expect anyway. Anne's only encounters with Sasha beforehand had consisted on magical girl swordfighting in the sky and whatnot. Certainly not enough to discuss their unique biology, which is something Marcy is very excited to discuss, since she's never met anyone with her same "condition" before, and she wants to know everything, so she uses her as her little rat lab whenever she has the chance. Even then, since she also lacks all knowledge of human s.exual dimorphism and its cultural implications, she doesn't associate anything about either of their bodies to any specific gender that could possibly be asigned to anyone based on biological feautures. Since Sasha remembers the most from Earth, she's probably the only one who could maybe possibly remeber her mom or the kindergarden teacher saying something about "the difference between boys and girls", but by the point she's in speaking terms with Anne, and by the time she realizes their bodies are different, she doesn't really care.

That's not to say Anne doesn't experience dysphoria or that she never undergoes any kind of physical transition. It was probably around the time her voice started to change during puberty that she realized her case may be kinda unique: neither Marcy nor Sasha's voices have changed that much, she can tell even though she only sees Marcy in person like once every 3 years and all the words she exchanges with Sasha consist of death threats and insults. Plus, there's a clear difference between """male""" and """female""" voiced in frogs too. She doesn't want to sound like a man! She doesn't want to be anything like a man! Men are gross! Sorry Sprig, Hop Pop, but it's true. Men are icky icky yuck yuck and Anne is a girly girl. She doesn't want to turn into Stumpy! Or Buff Loggle! Oh, no, is that her future? She commits the triple mistake of 1) sending a letter to Marcy that same day, 2) knocking on Maddies' door promising her firstborn if she can save her from turning into Stumpy, and 3) she becomes obsessed researching mammalian biology in the archives. Bad decision. Bad bad. She's discovering things to feel dysphoric about she never even knew existed! Did you know mammalian mothers feed their offsprings with "milk" that comes from their "mammary glands"? Did Sasha and Marcy have those? She hates herself a little for checking out Marcy next time she sees her and she realizes that, indeed, in the past years she's grown a pair of those that Anne does NOT have. She notes that both she and Sasha are pretty much hairless. She used to think hair was a normal mammalian trait! That weasel that tries to eat the frogs every winter sure is covered in it!

Maddie shows up to her door with a bunch of new spells to try out, happy to have a willing subject. Most embarrassingly, Marcy starts doing her own research as soon as she gets Anne's letter and sends her all her discoveries, and now Anne feels mortified because Marcy knows about all the bad bad very bad changes she's going through (Marcy, for her part, is just fascinated by the nature of their "condition").

It takes a bit, but after a few very frenzied weeks, Anne comes to understad what's going on: her species had certain level of sexual dimorphism and she just happened to have been born with the supposed "sex" usually associated with "men" as a social category. When Hop Pop finds out, he burst into laughter. Oh, it was THAT all along! Anne made it sound so complicated, but it was just the same things he went through when he was younger, just the other way around ("Say what now Hop Pop?")! A few curses here and there and she won't have to worry about these so called "mammary glands" and "hair" anymore, though in the meantime, as Maddie perfects a human-friendly curse, she gets turned into all sort of different creatures. By the time it's done, she just wants to feel like... herself.

It's true that there are some things about her body that make her feel weird, like they don't quite fit in, but there are others she only worries about because she compared herself to Sasha and Marcy, which wasn't fair to anyone involved. Did she really want to fundamentally change parts of her body because of insecurities she developed last week over a book about lemurs? Then, a second set of fears come in: what will happen when she goes back to her place of origin? Because she does want to find her birth family. Will they recognize her, if they're looking for a boy? Will they think she's lying if she claims to be their daughter? If she changes only a few things but doesn't "go all the way", will people there think she's a freak? Will she ever be able to fit in with those of her species?

Does she really care so much about what other people think? She just wants to be herself. Some of the changes she's been going through are making her feel less like herself and more like she's being turned into a tax collector from Toad Tower. Those things have to go - her voice, for example. And she wants a more femenine silhouette (she may or may not show Maddie photos of young Mrs. Croaker as a reference). She wants a softer face. She's seeing her face changing in the mirror and she doesn't like it. She wants it to stay round and soft, not to grow hard and sharp or big and rough. She's not so sure she wants those "mammary glands". It's not like she ever thought about having kids, and the whole "breastfeeding" thing just seems gross, but after her research, and finding out she could have kids with, I don't know, maybe Marcy one day (a thought that makes her blush), she thinks it may be a good idea. She'll consider it. Maybe later. Her genitalia... well, she's used to what she has now. It already took her like 10 years to fully figure out what it was and how it worked and starting over with a whole new set just feels like too much work (also, the babies, the potential babies with Marcy). Frogs and toads have neither "penises" or "vaginas" so there's not a lot of information, and based on books about lemurs and her own empirical experience, comparing herself to other mammalian species isn't too useful. She'll leave it the way it is. She'll see if there's anything else she wants to change later, or if she wants to go back on something.

Marcy is surprised next time Anne visits Newtopia. In her letters, she described this strange transformation in excruciating detail, but seeing her in person now, holding her face in her hands, all she sees is the same Anne she's always loved.

A few more ideas:

HEADCANON: in Amphibia, two people of the same "s.ex" can reproduce through magic, which means there has to be a concious effort and intent. The external fertilization process there's no such thing as a pregnancy, and there's no such thing as s.ex. All reproduction is intentional, which means there's no need for abortion either. There are processes to destroy fertilized eggs and embryos, but they look completely different from human abortions.

Amphibians may perform acts resembling s.ex for pleasure or fun but they look different from human s.ex and have no relation to reproduction.

Andrias is the only person in Amphibia who knows enough about humans to know how they reproduce (a process he finds repulsive). He never tells Marcy, of course, though once she becomes queen, she finds his secret library and his hidden tomes on "alien biology", some of which talk about humans. He's also the only one who knows humans can have children on accident, and that Anne is the only human in Amphibia who could cause something like that to happen (he reads all of Marcy's correspondence). He knows his daughter is very close to this weird farm girl penpal of hers, and even though she's still a child, he worries for her future and the future of the crown. This new discovery could land the crown in the hands of a dynasty of aliens if he's not careful. Is it weird that he spends so much time worrying about his 12yo daughter getting pregnant from another 12yo? Yes, yes it is, but he already controls every aspect of her life, it's not like he's going to stop at her sexuality, future, real, or imaginary.

Man now that I wrote it all down, I think this option is more compelling than the first. Maybe I WILL go with this one.

[ssaltlicker]

Thinking about all the on-screen character development we couldve (and shouldve) gotten from vi in s2. To actually see and hear her process things. Man

[fangirlfortress]

You know that VERY specific subgenre of science fiction/horror/thriller/mystery whatever where everything is perfect. But it isn't, not quite? I mean where we start in a place where everything is absolutely wonderful and just as it should be. We have a protagonist and maybe they're an actual character or maybe they're just a way through which we can view this world, but they are in a beautiful place, a place that is perfect to an almost eerie degree. Not quite, but almost. You can practically see it. The grass is Pantone 2272 CP, the sky a rich and beautiful Pantone 15-4421 TPG. Your neighbors are friendly, your friends loving and carefree and so happy. You're happy. Nothing ever changes, nothing bad ever happens.

But, well, something isn't right. Maybe it has the episodial vibe of a sitcom or the eerie feeling of the second try in a time loop, where you're sure you've seen this before but can't figure out why. Something isn't right. Everything is perfect and just like it's been for as long as you've been in this place, so different from where you were before (where were you before? You can't remember anymore. You've always been here, haven't you? You search your mind for anything before this place, but you can't. Huh. That's weird.), but something is wrong.

It comes to your slowly at first: Mrs. Gardener is always pruning her tulips. Well, yes, always. Why? Every day she does this, and the next day the tulips are there like she never did it all. She prunes her tulips.

Nothing ever changes, nothing bad ever happens. You try to ask questions, but everyone looks at you like they don't get it, or you've gone insane. Some look like they're hiding something. Suddenly the perfection isn't comforting, it's eerie. It's a cage. You can see suddenly all the ways in which your environment isn't normal. The weather isn't supposed to always be perfect. No town moves the same way every day, like a synchronized dance. What the fuck is happening? What is this place? Why is everyone acting so strange? Don't they see it? Are they real? Is anyone here but you even real? Are you the only real person here?

And then things get slowly more and more sinister? Like, I can only think of film examples, no books or anything, but the cinematography shows as the protag becomes more and more aware. The sky looks brighter, the music more grated, slower and creepier. Nothing is right. This place is not safe. It doesn't have to be a small town specifically, it's just that vibe is slowly discovering that this beautiful place you're in is a terrifying hellscape conjured by someone that desperately wants to keep you there.

[running-in-the-dark]

there's no rage like the rage I feel when I'm working on a painting and it looks like shit.

[leofrith]

lol remember when eivor was like "i will not be captive to another man's gaudy design. my destiny is mine to weave." and then she. proceeded to be captive to a man's idea of what she should be and did not, in fact, weave her own destiny because she was too busy following the old god in her head despite having previously expressed blatant disinterest (and that's putting it mildly) in doing so. and then after finally finding safety and comfort among her people after a lifetime of scrounging and clawing for every ounce of happiness she ever got she then proceeded to die alone on the opposite side of an ocean from everyone who ever loved her and who she loved in return.

[daily-sloop-john-b]

Gosh....this idea is so retro, but I need a crossover where Dean Winchester ends up in Faerun (maybe instead of Purgatory or something) and he spends the entirety of the first two acts having to be held back from knifing Astarion and bonding with Wyll and comparing Gale to his "nerdy little brother" and looking for his angel. And everyone just assumes he's looking for his partner and they point him towards the Nightsong (he thinks Cas' picked up a new moniker) and trying to avoid the gay panic Astarion's sending him into (all while denying to himself that he and Cas are more than Just Friends (TM)).

Then he goes down to the Gauntlet of Shar and there's some body double angst and he meets Dame Aylin. He realizes that she's not *his* angel, but is *someone's* angel....and *oh.* all the denials about Cas suddenly seem different.

(then maybe Cas gets rescued from the pods with Zevlor or he's whisked off with the Duke to be turned into a puppet for the Absolute and Dean has to keep adventuring to get him back.)

[cookinguptales]

.........lmao

so I was remembering the way I had to start wearing a training bra when I was like. seven or eight. and I hated wearing it so much that I would like hide it at the bottom of my drawer and try to sneak out of the house without it. (I was not allowed to go out without it, my parents were always on me about that.)

and I'd always conceptualized that as me just not liking my body being talked about the way it was now being talked about but sitting here in bed at age 33 I finally was like

wait there are times that I have to be really careful about wearing bras (or really anything that puts any pressure at all on my ribcage, including just well-fitting shirts) because that can cause rib subluxations. also, I regularly dislocate my shoulder while putting on bras.

and now I've got my head in my hands over here, because I swear, part of having chronic illnesses is just constantly recontextualizing your weird childhood behavior!!!

like I used to get in trouble a lot as a kid for sitting scrunched up at the dinner table (like crosslegged or knees pulled up to my chest) and when I went to Mayo to get diagnosed at 17 the doc was like "does she sit all curled up a lot?" and my mother was like "???? yes?????" and it turned out that was a behavior they'd noticed in a lot of kids with POTS because we had such weird blood flow problems.

(and yes, my mom then felt bad for yelling at me for it for all those years. lmao)

[enchantrum]

unrelated to anything but I can't stand the art style of One Piece and I don't understand how anyone can look at it without being vaguely grossed out. everything and everyone looks so ugly and it weirdly messes with my synesthesia in a way where I feel like the whole cast just smells of dirty old feet gdsfj;oigdhsfj;oigrsfdj;io

[tankgotstuckinthecircusgate]

they just didn't have to write him as "a great philanthropist"; "a generous benefactor of the empire bay planetarium"; "frequent officer of the empire bay press guild"; "a frequent target of political slander and false arrest because of generosity towards the press"

and at the same time write him as the first of the others to organize drug trafficking; a man who tried to kill all his competitors; "a shady bastard, even for guys in this business"; "ruthless modernizer"; a man who secretly views his close friend as a liability; "the man who killed his own boss" to take his place

"few will moan moretti's passing" from the lost heaven's newspapers and there's nothing like that in the cut-out news reports about carlo's death

[like-sands-of-time]

I wonder what ani and padmé would have been like as parents to Luke and Leia, and later grandparents to Ben. Like I don't have any great developed thoughts on that whole au concept I just do love the thought. Ben has so much impressive family, and a lot of uncles and aunts to look up to. If a lot of things had gone a lot differently, idk how, and padmé and ani got to grow older and stronger together, if Ben were to have his grandfather not only as a legend but as a person to hold him and tell him stories, I wonder what that would have been like.

[bleedingectoplasm]

I absolutely think that Sam is envious of Star and Paulina’s friendship, especially because she has no close female friends in canon.

I imagine that, sometimes, Sam spends her lunch hour studying the interactions between Paulina and Star. She props her elbow up on the table, places her chin in her hand, and observes. She watches Paulina and Star giggle together after looking at something on Star’s phone, watches Paulina smooth out the collar of Star’s shirt, watches Star take Paulina’s fingers in her hand to study her new manicure.

Whenever Sam watches them, she gets this funny little ache in her chest. It opens up like a cavern inside of her, and it comes with an overwhelming feeling of loss. It’s confusing. If she didn’t know any better, she would say that the black hole inside of her is jealousy. But that can’t be right. She doesn’t want to be Star, and she certainly doesn’t want to be Paulina. She can hardly tolerate either one of them.

Despite her best attempts to logic the emptiness away, the jealousy persists. She can’t help but wonder what it would be like to a friendship like they do. She wonders why no other girls want to hang out with her. She wonders if she drove them away. Or, even worse, she wonders if they all stay away because they know that something is wrong with her, something that she can’t see for herself.

She loves Tucker and Danny to the ends of the Earth, but they screw up their faces in disgust when she asks if they want to go to the mall, and barely mask their boredom when she talks about her crushes, and make fake gagging sounds when Sam talks about being on her period. They’re good friends, of course, but it’s just...different. The guys and Sam definitely don’t share mascara or swap romance novels or braid each other’s hair like Paulina and Star do.

Sam tells herself that she doesn’t want to be friends with other girls, that she likes being one of the guys, that other girls aren’t with her time. But the quietest part of herself, the part of her that loves the feeling of a dress swishing against her knees and the sticky feeling of lip gloss, knows that she’s lying.

[indigodawns]

.