#it just means your endurance is scary as fuck and your power is great

[pyrosomatic-metamorphosis]

Im too impatient to be an artist <- has spent thousands of hours drawing

[tiodolma]

4 x 03

Merlin’s like “Arthur I will forgive all your genocidal tendencies even when I know you would be willing to kill me and everyone I ever love on the spot, because I know you will be a great king to me and my people” while also being “magic will be outlawed, i can never reveal myself to him.”

Just how complicit could this guy get? The destiny BS fucked him up real bad. This isn’t love, my friends, this is creepy blind devotion, an egotistical kind of obsession.

Merlin’s kindness, compassion and trust in others, while being his greatest strength, is also his weakness. There should have been a limit to where his compassion could reach, but for Arthur it is an infinite well. There was no “I love you but you have gone too far” kind of line anymore.

Where does Merlin even draw the line? He endures the daily physical abuse. He stays quiet thru the insults and inhumane dismissals. He has forgiven Arthur for murdering innocents. He has cheered him on as king even when Arthur has declared magic, all Merlin’s people, Merlin himself as Evil, even when Arthur has disregarded and ignored all evidence of otherwise.

The damning truth is, Merlin has no line drawn for Arthur... And that is scary. That spells doom for everyone else whom Merlin decides is not worth saving. This is also means Merlin is not saving himself anymore.

I think At s4 Merlin has unwittingly become so close to Arthuriana Merlin. Let’s be real. Merlin is a horrible savior character. He is a powerful class traitor at best.

If i was a druid I’d do everything to incapacitate Merlin too. And slap him to his senses too. Tell him that the prophecy isnt helping anyone anymore. It’s only helping the abuser. I want to make him see whats happening on the ground. I want to expose how blind he has become while staying in that pedestal of privilege called “arthur’s side”.

I’d tell him he is more than a kingmaker. That He Is A Person who should be loved, who should be cherished and respected At All Times, not just when the monarchy or the fates seem fit.

Morgana was right. Mordred was right. Lancelot was Right, William was right. Sigan was right. Gilli was right.

This is why Adventures of Merlin should be left in 2013 lmao. How the hell did this become a family-friendly show, I can never understand. (Pulls hair out... but well hey this kind of stuff is what makes Marvel movies nowadays. hhhhhhh)

......................

Merlin should have ran away with Freya when he had the chance. Fuck Gaius for turning Freya in, honestly.

[robininthelabyrinth]

Nie Huaisang/Wen Ning - after Guanyin Temple, Nie Huaisang offers his patronage to Wen Ning as one last fuck you to JGY, which escalates into friendship and more because they have a lot in common - weak younger brothers with a hidden scary side, the last in their family standing after JGY got the rest killed, and they probably both have a great morbid sense of humor. who says romance is dead?

ao3

Untamed

After everything that happened, Wen Ning knew that Wei Wuxian was too fragile to deal with him – Wei Wuxian might not notice the slight flinch every time he saw him again, remembered again, all the darkness and misery that came with making Wen Ning what he was, all those bad memories with only a few good ones to leaven them – and so he stayed back, lingered.

Maybe that was why he saw it.

Nie Huaisang, the undisputed victor of an all-around terrible evening, sitting on the steps of the temple, looking exhausted and miserable, as if he’d won nothing at all.

Wen Ning found himself drifting over to him.

“Sorry about getting you possessed,” Nie Huaisang said without looking up when Wen Ning got close enough. “Baxia doesn’t have much respect for other people.”

Wen Ning hadn’t actually minded being possessed, if he was being honest about it. Sure, in retrospect, being used as a living puppet that could harm his friends – again – was somewhat distressing, but the actual experience hadn’t been that bad at all.

“It was very warm,” he said, because it had been. Warm and safe, cradled within a stronger power that would take care of everything – it had reminded him of his older sister. “Baxia feels things very strongly. She loved you a lot.”

A quick flash of surprise, almost a smile. “I appreciate that,” Nie Huaisang said. “I always got the impression that she thought I was – well, useless, right up until I started planning on doing this, and that’s when she decided she liked me.���

“I don’t think so,” Wen Ning said, and sat down next to him. “She liked you before that. It was more – watching someone you care for grow up, and in a way you approve of.”

He thought about it for a second.

“But please don’t do more of that,” he added. “That was – a lot.”

Nie Huaisang snorted. “You have no idea.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes more.

“Speaking of more,” Nie Huaisang finally said, “what are you planning on doing next? You can’t keep following Wei-xiong around all the time.”

Wen Ning really couldn’t.

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Maybe spend some more time with A-Yuan.”

Not too much, though. He deserved to be with people his own age, doing things they liked, not stuck with Wen Ning.

“Lan Sizhui? Good idea.”

Wen Ning blinked, and turned to look at him. “You know?”

“I’m smart, I can do math, and I’ve gotten Xichen-xiong drunk at least a dozen times over the years,” Nie Huaisang said. “Yes, I know.”

Wen Ning decided not to comment. “Other than that, I have no idea,” he said. “Why do you ask? Do you have any use for a corpse puppet?”

“None whatsoever,” Nie Huaisang said, and Wen Ning was struck by the strangest feeling of disappointment at the answer. “I could use a good nurse, though, if you’re available. I heard you were once very good at that.”

Wen Ning stared at him.

“This whole business hasn’t been very good for me,” Nie Huaisang said with a shrug that was far too casual for the subject matter of the conversation. “My family – we’re not the best at swallowing our rage, and I had to do it for sixteen years. There’s some damage from that. Could flare up any time.”

Qi deviation, he meant, and Wen Ning’s heart lurched at the thought. He’d been possessed by Baxia, who remembered what her master had endured; the idea of the brilliant mastermind, Nie Huaisang, being struck down so brutally, and all because he wanted to see his brother avenged…

Wen Ning had had to see his older sibling struck down, too. He didn’t mind ruthlessness in pursuit of vengeance nearly as much as Wei Wuxian seemed to.

“My medicine skills are out of date,” he blurted out. “But I could try to help, if you like.”

“I would,” Nie Huaisang said firmly. Why he had faith in Wen Ning when even Wen Ning didn’t, Wen Ning had no idea. It was a feeling a bit like having a sibling again. “I’ll warn you in advance, though, that even if good sense says I need one, I don’t actually want a nurse – much less one capable of picking me up and forcing me into bed –”

It sounded like that was exactly what Nie Huaisang wanted, and based on the rapidly fading memories Wen Ning had gotten from Baxia, very similar to what his brother used to do when he worried too much about Nie Huaisang’s health.

“– but as a final fuck you to Jin Guangyao, who always wanted his own corpse puppet and failed to get it, it would be pretty great. I hope you don’t mind that reasoning.”

“Not at all,” Wen Ning said. “It’s actually rather nice to have someone just – talk about it. Wei-gongzi mostly pretends that I’m still normal, except for when he needs someone to be strong.”

“I can’t believe you still call him Wei-gongzi,” Nie Huaisang said. “Haven’t you known him for years and years at this point? Sure, there was a bit of a break in the middle, but I was calling him Wei-xiong after about three sentences. You should be on closer terms.”

Wen Ning noted to himself that he was probably going to get his own closer terms very shortly, if that was how Nie Huaisang did things.

He didn’t mind the thought at all.

“I think it’s time for you to rest,” he said, noting the way Nie Huaisang’s knuckles were white where his fingers clenched on Jin Guangyao’s bloodied hat. “You’ve started talking nonsense, Sect Leader Nie.”

“Call me by name, please,” Nie Huaisang said. “If you’re going to tell me that I’m talking nonsense, you can call me names the way everyone else does.”

“I don’t think I will,” Wen Ning said. “But I might call you Nie-xiong, if you don’t mind.”

Nie Huaisang actually smiled at that.

“You can also feel free to go with ‘Huaisang’ at top volume,” he offered, mouth twisted crookedly.

“My sister liked yelling A-Ning at the top of her lungs,” Wen Ning agreed. He knew the pain that curled around Nie Huaisang’s heart far too well. “Come on. Up you go. Gloating over your successful revenge can happen just as well after a good night’s sleep as before.”

“I wasn’t going to gloat,” Nie Huaisang complained, although he allowed Wen Ning to lead him away. “Maybe have a few drinks. Toasts. Something like that. I actually used to like him, you know – and now er-ge’s going to be mad at me forever, and I still mostly like him, too, even if he is a bit of a twit when it comes to people he likes – plus Wei-xiong, of course, he’ll disapprove, he’s all righteous and well-meaning, all best-foot-forward – and where he goes, Jiang-xiong and Lan-xiong go, of course – I mean, it’s not that I didn’t know I wouldn’t have any friends left after this –”

“You can have me,” Wen Ning said. “Now – where are you staying? And who in the world in your sect let you go out with no protection?”

“You make assumptions,” Nie Huaisang said dryly, and nodded his head up towards some of the rooftops; when Wen Ning looked up, he saw archers in dark colors that hadn’t been there before. “He wasn’t making it to Dongying, one way or another.”

“You are a good planner.”

“Very stubborn, that’s all.”

That seemed accurate. Certainly he was dragging his feet like a stubborn donkey.

“Do you want me to pick you up?” Wen Ning asked.

“…yes please.”

Wen Ning had been the useless younger brother for the first half of his life, and the fearsome corpse puppet used as a weapon for the second. He’d never been needed to care for anyone before.

He thought he could very happily spend the next third of his life doing just that.

“Come on,” he told Nie Huaisang. “Let’s get you home.”

[faithinthefuture28]

Larry songs timeline & what it tells us about the evolution of their relationship

**These are all just my interpretations but the more I listen to the music they wrote, the more it all fits together. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THROUGHOUT THE YEARS THEY’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT WRITING “AUTOBIOGRAPHICALLY” AND “FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE”

I deffo missed some songs but these stood out to me:

2013

L-Strong: Love isn’t easy (waves trying to break it) but what we have means something and it’s worth fighting for. read: love is only for the brave (Think of how much love that’s been wasted...there’s nothing i’m running from...i don’t care, I’m not scared of love) And we bring out the best in each other so lets not throw this away (i’d do anything to save it...when i’m not with you i’m weaker). 

H-Happily: I want to fight for us too bc we’re on fire and our love is powerful af. ik we have to do stunts and stuff (and if (s)he feels my traces in your hair, sorry love but I don’t really care) but what we have is insane and fuck everyone else bc you’re MINE and i’m YOURS at the end of the day (i wanna be the one who holds you when you sleep). Together, we’re magic so just be with me so happily

H-Something Great: ****this song is very straightforward so i won’t explain it much***** (i want you here with me like how i pictured it so i dont have to keep imagining... We’re better off together here tonight). Written as a longing for what could be if they dont have to suppress the relationship. (script was written...want to rip it all to shreds) Louis’ response (you’re all I want so much it’s hurting) basically says “it’s not too much to ask babe, i want it too.” This has the kind of longing that ‘wouldn’t it be nice- beach boys’ which Harry has admitted is kind of a theme song. 

L-Through the Dark: I know all this bs we’re going through is taking a toll on you and hurts you and i hate seeing you upset (you tell me that your sad...you tell me that you’re hurt and youre in pain and i can see your head is held in shame...i just wanna see you smile again) but I will do everything physically possible to protect you from any pain bb (i’d never let you fall and break your heart, if u wanna cry or fall apart, i’ll be there to hold ya). We’re going through this together and I will take on any responsibility needed to keep you happy.  I’M WILLING TO GO THROUGH HELL TO FIGHT FOR US HARRY LOVE (entire chorus basically).

L-Better than Words: holy fuck our love is amazing can’t even describe it can i just sing to you foreva love u babycakes

L-Why don’t we go there: what if...we just forgot about the world and escaped and enjoyed each others love and rode the high??? Also sex

2014

L-Ready to Run: *******Followup to Why Don’t We Go There*********** But this time let’s escape for real bc (there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time). Like i’m ready to get out of here and it could just be us living happily ever after (this time i’m ready to run). Honestly nothing else makes sense (without you i’ll never make it out alive...wherever you are is the place i belong). I know what i want out of life and IT’S YOU HARREH (i want to be free and i wanna be yours, i will never look back). 

L-Steal My Girl: all u thirsty hoes find someone else bc Harry is MY pretty princess. Srsly ask his family. But you can still admire how he looks in those jeans. We all do. You know the ones

L-No Control: boy u fine, let’s do what lovers do IN THE MORNING. bc we can. also you own me and i am urs

L-Clouds: WE KNEW THIS WAS GONNA BE HARD SO WHY ARE YOU BEING A LITTLE BITCH (you dont like it complicated...but love is never ever simple...you are tired of all the changes, but love is always always changing). We could be great yo, just keep fighting (if we’re never coming back down, we’ll looking down on the clouds...we go and we go and we dont stop)

H-Where do Broken Hearts Go: IM SORRY LOU BABY YOURE EVERYTHING (rest of my crimes dont come close the look on your face when i let you go... the taste of your lips...is at the top of the list of things i want). H&L’s call and  response at the end is basically forgiveness and acknowledgment (come on baby come and get me out, come on baby cuz i need you now)

H-Two Ghosts: *****was written around this time according to Harry******. This is fucking hard yo. We’re drained and exhausted and idk how much more we can fight for this... (it’s not you and it’s not me...sounds like something that i used to feel). That infatuation and electricity and hope that fueled our younger selves isn’t really there anymore and i’m just tired man (we’re just two ghosts swimming in a glass half empty, trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat, we’re not who we used to be...this was all we used to need). We’re empty vessels going through the motions (same eyes blue, couple more tattoos). AND WE AREN’T FUCKING COMMUNICATING (we dont say what we really mean). 

2015

H&L-Perfect: so what if... we get rid of the pressure of forever? What if we just have fun doing the stupid shit we love and makes us feel alive (trouble up in hotel rooms, secret little rendezvous, things you know that we shouldn’t do). Like we won’t be out of each others’ lives, I’m still around and we can find comfort in each other and even mess around here and there (I can be the one you love from time to time). Remember how we used to be young and EXCITED (when i first saw you from across the room, i could tell that you were curious) let’s get that energy back without the responsiblity of an adult relationship. And we can keep making art lmao (if youre looking for someone to write your breakup songs about). 

L-Long Way Down *****this song fkn hurts man. It’s overlooked a lot but shows so much insight**** We were...everything. And maybe that’s the problem? We’ve been through so fucking much, more than anyone our age should have to endure. (We've been in fire, Went down in the flames. We sailed the ocean And drowned in the waves. Built a cathedral But we never prayed) We didn’t know what we had. We were damn kids man. We weren’t prepared for all this. We didn’t know how powerful this would be. We didn’t know what it required of us. (We had a mountain But took it for granted. We had it all yeah. Who could’ve planned it). We didn’t know what to do with it, how to deal with it, so here we are. (We had a spaceship But we couldn't land it) We’re each other’s everything, but we can’t keep going on like this babe. (We found an island But we got stranded). I don’t want to leave you but being together is breaking us down. (Point of no return and now It's just too late to turn around) We thought we were untouchable. That love conquers all. Maybe, we were wrong. This is gonna hurt like a bitch (We built it up so high and now I'm fallin', it’s a long way down)

H-Olivia: I LIVE FOR YOU, I LONG FOR YOU, I LOVE YA. And i think i’ll always love ya. And I’m scared...of life without you (i get the feeling you’re walking out, time is irrelevant when i’ve not been seeing you, the consequences are falling now, there’s something i’m having nightmares about...dont let me go). But maybe just maybe thats okay, because you’re AIMH (you live in my imagination...i love you, it’s all i do). 

L-Love you Goodbye: I fucking love you and I’ll always fucking love you but i think this is the right thing to do even though it feels so wrong (i know there’s nothing i can do to change it, but is there something that can be negotiated?) We made some goddamn fireworks together though (unforgettable together held the whole world in our hands) and do ya maybe think...we can make them just once more? (if tomorrow you wont be mine, let me give it to you one last time, baby let me love you goodbye...one more taste of your lips just to bring me back to the places we’ve been and the nights we’ve had because if this is it, then at least we could end it riiiiight). ********in the interview with our FAVE Gwen Garcia, she asked if it’s better to say goodbye and end a relationship that’s not feeling right or keep trying even if your heart’s not in it. Harry responds with “I think it’s better to say goodbye...but sometimes if youre trying to protect..” Then Louis cuts him off and says “you’re going deep aren’t you”, brushing the question off as a joke but imho i think there was pain in that answer. Then Harry continues “if you’re not 100% in it, I think it’s better for both parties if you say goodbye”. And Louis adds a “yeah” at the end.********

H-Walking in the Wind: I know this is scary but i think we can do it, (you said to me do you believe i’ll be too far? if youre lost just look for me you’ll find me) I think because youre AIMH and i’m always in yours, it’ll be good for us. And look at us being mature, we’re killing it babe. We can live our separate lives and grow on our own. We dont need to make it messy and hurtful. We’re on the same page. (the fact that we can sit right here and say goodbye means we’ve already won. A necessity for apologies between you and me, baby there is none). At this point, we’re kinda part of each other right? So it’s healthy for us to be apart for a bit. (it’s not the end, i’ll see your face again... i know we’ll be alright...just close your eyes and see i’ll be by your side any time you need me). And you’ve helped me grow into the person I am, and I you, so that’s cool as hell, right? (you will find me in places that we’ve never been). We had a TON of fun (we had some good times didnt we) so i feel okay that we’re doing this (goodbyes are bittersweet) and starting the next adventure in our lives. 

H-If I could fly: I. am. yours. Louis. William. Tomlinson. (for your eyes only, i’ll show you my heart). Maybe this growth thing isn’t worth it, let me prove to you how much you mean to me (i think i might give up everything just ask me to). This is gonna be hard as shit because i’m so dependent on you (i’m missing half of me when we’re apart). I’m being honest and I’m being scared and I’m being vulnerable because I can’t lie to you and pretend I’m strong (i let my guard down, right now i’m completely defenseless). But we’re part of each other, right? (i could feel your heart inside of mine). I’ll always be here for you Lou (for when you’re lonely and forget who you are) even if for now we can’t physically be together. 

L-Home: I’ve tried, Harry. I’ve tried to play pretend (told myself i kind of like her but there was something missin in her eyes). But i was lost (i was stumblin, lookin in the dark with an empty heart) because none of it was enough, none of it was YOU (it was there i sawr it in your eyes). And then i met you and you felt the same and we’re both lost souls playing pretend who found magic in each other (but you say you feel the same, could we ever be enough?) Is our love enough to overcome everything? Maybe we can be enough. Maybe I can make this enough, let me try to make it enough for you. And if we go our separate ways, know that I’m here for you no matter what. I won’t let you be lost again. (When you’re lost I’ll find a way and I’ll be your light, you will never feel like you’re alone, I’ll make this feel like home). So go. wander. find yourself. Then when you’re ready, come home. 

 2016-2017

H- Sweet Creature: ***Harry admit that this was the first song he wrote for the album**** We aren’t in the best place rn. We’ve been fighting (had another talk about where it’s going wrong...it’s hard when we argue, we’re both stubborn). But it’s you Louis. It can’t be anyone else. (don’t know where we’re going but we know where we belong... wherever I go, you bring me home). That’s not even a question. I’m still trying to figure out who I am, but the one thing I know is that a large part of who I am is you (we started 2 hearts in one home). And aint no way I’m losing that part of myself (when i run out of road, you bring me home). It was always you. 

H-MMITH: Whenever you’re ready, I’m ready (just let me know i’ll be at the door,  hoping you’ll come around). I know I need to work on myself a little more (i gotta get better, and maybe we’ll work it out) but honestly i’m getting impatient and i want things to go back to how they were and i want to be yours again (once you go without it, nothing else would do). But I can’t communicate this to you clearly so let me just put this in a song and hope you get it (we dont talk about it, it’s something we dont do) ****Harry mentioned in an interview that he expresses himself through songwriting when he can’t say the words directly to a person because it’s easier to just write it in a song than have difficult conversations*****

H-ESNY: ****honestly no idea what this song is about but it’s something to do with them fighting and not communicating and being in a weird place before their relationship is rekindled******* edit: this could be about his stepdad

H-FTDT: I MISS YOU AND I’M TOO FULL OF PRIDE TO TELL YOU DIRECTLY JUST COME BACK INTO LIFE LOU I’M LONELY AND SAD AND EMPTY AND IM NOT FUCKING FINDING MYSELF LIKE YOU SAID I WOULD (woke up alone, played with myself where were you...we havent spoke since you went away, why wont you ever say what you wanna say) So until then I sit and wait for your sorry ass to make the first move (maybe one day you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too...but you never do). Also like i have to hear from other people how you are?? (i saw your friend that you know from work, he said that you feel just fine) ANd you’re sharing OUR clothes with people?? wtf just swallow your pride and call me 

L-Miss You: OKAY BUT I CANT JUST CALL YOU BECAUSE I HAVE PRIDE TOO also my mates are trying to make me get over you (now i’m asking my friends how to say I’m sorry, they say lad give it ttime there’s no need to worry, and we can’t even be on the phone now). So i’m just numbing your absence with partying and drinks but CLEARLY ITS NOT WORKING (should be laughing but there’s something wrong...shit maybe i miss you...when i feel it coming up i just throw it all away, get another few shots cuz it doesn’t matter anyway...such a good time, i’ll believe it this time). This is weird bc like you were my everything but im trying to get used to this and it fucking sux (oh how shit changes, we were in love, now we’re strangers). And tbh, its scary af bc what if this is it (i’m asking myself, is it over?). BUT ALSO LIKE WTF U COULD REACH OUT FIRST YA KNOW (i’ve been checking my phone all evening).

H-Anna: wtf Louis how do you not see how much this is killing me. I miss you so much and seeing you on tv or in pics drives me wild bc you’re not mine. (I don’t want your sympathy but you don’t know what you do to me...everytime I see your face there’s only so much I can take...I guess it would be nice if I can touch your body). And idk if you’re replacing me (don’t know where you’re laying, just know it’s not with me) and we’re in SUCH a weird place rn how do I tell u you’re the loml (don’t know what I’d say if I passed you on the street...don’t know what I’d tell you if you asked me for the truth) so I refuse to put this song on the album and let you know this and give you satisfaction from knowing how gone I still am for you bc I have 0 idea how you feel (hope you never see this and know that it’s for you)

L-Always You: SO THIS IS ME SWALLOWING MY PRIDE STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU SAYING IM SORRY FOR THAT NIGHT... ok but fr i miss u i miss u i miss u i miss u and nothing else compares like i can travel the whole world and all i think about is how much more fun it was with you and the memories we shared and i wish i could just say thx fr th mmrs and move on but actually no thx actually fuck you for making me not able to enjoy my life without you. So like...come home? and wrap your legs around me? also lmao i took El to a gay bar in amsterdam for her bday lmao i miss u come cuddle me and i’ll tell you all about it

L-We Made It: looks like we made it, look how far we’ve come my baby. They saidd I bett they’ll never make it, but just look at us holding onn, we’re still togetherr, still going stronggg. Also to the fans, miss our single bed and the nights we talked about our dreams :-* also Andrew my man luv u

2018-2019

L-KMM: our love was youthful and exhilarating and fucking electric and i think it still can be. dont know what i’d do without you now H 

L-DLIBYH: We’re strong babe and we’ve grown and we aren’t gonna let life drag us down. I’m doing better, you’re doing better, this is what we wanted. And now any shit we go through, we’ll go through TOGETHER 

L-Too Young: Okay but looking back, that was a lot of shit we went through and we were just babies and i’m sorry for not fighting harder (i cant believe i gave in to the pressure when they said a love like this would never last so i cut you off cuz i didnt know no better) baby i tried, i tried to protect you but like it was just so much and i hate that you got hurt and i wont ever let that happen again. ALso go us for being mature and COMMUNICATING (face to face at the kitchen table, we can finally have a conversation that I wish we could’ve had before). ANd i know you’re an arrogant son of a bitch who can’t admit when he’s sorry so here let ME say i’m sorry that i hurt you darling. Like we were too young to know we had everything BUT now we’re old(er) and can realize that when we’re together, we DO have everything now and omg is this our happily ever after and we can have a daughter and name her Darcy 

L-Habit: do i need to spell it out for you iiiiii aaaaaaaaammmmmmm sssssssoooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyy. But tbh i let you go because it felt right because mentally you were already out the door and i needed to give you room to grow babe. And i needed the space too (you gave me the time and the space i was out of control and i’m sorry i let you down). but like also i’ve learned i can’t escape you Styles. You’re always in my fucking heart and my fucking mind and in every essence of my being and somehow I knew that 9 years ago and it took me this long to realize how powerful this really is (guess that that i know what i already knew, i was better with you and i miss you now). Ooooh also my favorite line i wrote (took some time cuz i ran out of energy of playing someone I heard I’m supposed to be and honestly i dont have to choose anymore) like who am i kidding, im done pretending i just wanna be yoursss now

L-Defenseless: I can’t help it okay theres something about you that doesn’t let me stay away. I need you and I know that rekindling this relationship isn’t going to be easy even though it feels so so right. It’s going to be hard work (sleeping on our problems but we’ll solved them in our dreams, wake up early morning and it’s still under the sheets) and we need to communicate and solve our problems but here I am, raw and unfiltered and emotionally naked in front of you ready to lay it all on the table (not sure how to say this right, got so much to lose. NEver been so defenseless). So like this branch I’m reach out to you and you be honest with me too babe (you dont have to keep on being strong for me and you. Acting like you feel no pain, you know i know you do...I can’t get inside, when you’re lost in your pride but you don’t have a thing to prove). Be open with me. Lets talk. Let’s solve problems. Lets have an adult relationship. I’m asking for a little vulnerabiltiy babe. It’s just me. Theres nothing to be scared of

L-Walls: And here you have me in my purest form. No lies, no secrets, no insecurities to hide behind. Losing you was fucking painful but i got through it. I’ve been through hell and back and I’ve fought. And without you, I grew into the person I am. And any further growing i’m doing is gonna be with you. bc it was all for you babe. and honestly i can take anything life throws at me now. I’m strong baby. I’m fucking strong and fucking brave and fucking resilient and...fucking yours. ***** wtf is the I just hope i see you one day and you’ll say to me oh oh********

H-Golden: You are the literal sun and I’m not ready. YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD PERSON (you were way too bright for me, i’m hopeless, broken, so you wait for me in the sky). I’m scared to go through this alone, I need your comfort and your guidance (i can feel you take control of who i am and all i’ve ever known). But you’re scared to go through this with me bc you dont wanna get hurt and i’m too open so where tf does that leave us. ******this could be about coming out especially with the London AND NY secret shows where Harry added the lyric I’m hoping someday you’ll open*******

H-Adore You: You dont have to say you love me, you dont have to say nothing, you dont have to say you’re mine. I’d walk through fire for you. Just let me adore Lou. Like its the only thing I’ll ever do. read: Louis is a great person to just admire what he’s like. ALso I dont need anything back. I just dont want to hide my love for you anymore. I don’t need answers or promises. Just let me adore you. ********the music video is also basically a Louis appreciation post. He was the boy with the smile that the world took away from him. He found Harry lost and loved him and nurtured him and made him confident and allowed him to be who he wanted to be. But in doing so, Harry became big and unsatisfied and wanted to explore the world and was clearly interested in Hollywood and Rockstardom especially evident in his behavior 2014-2015. And Louis wasn’t about that life and didn’t want to hold him back. So he let him free. But they realized that they don’t work apart. Wherever they’re going, they’re going together, as the boy sails into the unknown following the fish. I see it as Harry’s version of “this one is a thank you for what you did for me” ************* I see it, I appreciate it, and I love you for it

H-Lights Up: ****fight with Louis. (What do you mean I’m sorry by the way) About coming out? About fame? (Step into the light, so bright sometimes) Either way, L is the guy driving the motorcycle in the video who makes H feel comfortable and safe until they get pulled over because SOMEONE wont let them love*******

H-Falling: What if i’m out, what if i’m someone you won’t talk about? Okay maybe I lied I do want you to claim me. Would me coming out of the closet make that hard for you? I CAN’T GO THROUGH AN IDENTITY CRISIS WITHOUT YOU LOU. I picked someone supportive and now I’m spoiled and I dont know how to be with myself. You want back in my life but what if I dont deserve it? (you said you cared and you missed me too...what i’m someone i dont want around). What if you’re better off without me? (i get the feeling that you’ll never need me again). I know youve been through so much shit because of me, things you’ve never even told me about and im afraid...that I wasn’t worth it. Am I being selfish? because either way, i want YOU (what if you’re someone i just want around). Does that make me a bad person? 

H-TBSL: ****Probably when they starting talking again but it was v casual and they didn’t really discuss their relationship yet*****. I MISS U BUT I WONT TELL U THAT and its nice to talk to u again i missed your voice but if u call me baby i will kill u bc that word has weight OKAY. Like i know you just call everyone babe and darling and sweetheart but baby is FOR ME and only for me when you wake up with me and cuddle me and if you think you have any right calling me baby without giving the luxury of being in a relationship with you then piss off because that shit hurts dude. (i know that you’re trying to be friends, know that you mean it...it’s hard for me to go home to be so lonely). ALso it’s not my fault i’m like this, you literally captured my heart when i was 16 like wtf do u expect (dont blame me for falling, i was just a little boy)

H-Sunflower Vol. 6: we were babies and i was so enamored by you and you’re so bright and beautiful and i want to watch you all day and make you smile and i want you to touch my hair and call me curly and i hope im not making you uncomfortable with my heart eyes but like how are you so perfect. I hope you think i’m cool, i’m really trying but like you’re SO FUNNY and charming and everyone loves you i hope im not embarassing myself. And now it’s like 8 years later and i think i can have you again and i want you so bad but i dont wanna seem too eager and im trying to have dignity and not text you first but like also i want nothing more than to talk to you. Do you think i’m cool now? did you like my new hairstyle? Do you think i’m funny on tour? I want everything i want to be domestic again and kiss in the kitchen and i want to cook for you and as;ldfa;sdhaf i want to buy you flowers everyday and shower ur cute face with kiss. boopx28 

H-Canyon Moon: Hell yea i got ma man back and i have a girlfriend named Jennifer ;) and we are domestic and even though I HATE being away from him for work (so hard to leave it) we have the 2 week rule yall then i can wrap my legs around him and after so so so long I’ll be h.o.m.e. Also did i tell you his eyes are so so blue like sky who i dont know her

H-TPWK: So we’re really doing this. We don’t need to have it all figured out. We can just be us. and happy. and dance. The world loves us babe. (Giving second chances, I don’t need all the answers and if we’re here long enough we’ll see it’s all for us and we’ll belong)

H-Fine Line: You’ve got my devotion but man I can hate you sometimes....We’ll be a fine line. Between what? love and hate? public and private? out and in the closet? each others’ and ourselves? Idk. But i’m going to swallow my pride (my hands at risk I fold) because no matter what, the worst possible outcome is not having you. And I never wanna go through that again. I know we have work to do on our relationship (spreading you open is the only way I know you). And there’s lot of unknown here (there’s things that we’ll never know) but what i do know is that i cant resist you (you sunshine you temptress) and i cant be without you ever again. I think it’ll be hard as hell. But when have we known love as anything but hard? And when have we known our love as anything but worth it? We’ll be a fine line baby. But i know, i knowww with every part of me that we’ll be alright. Because these past 10 years, we’ve been through A LOT. ANd it could have ruined us and made us cynical and cold and closed off. And I think at one point it did. But you know what we did? We fought it. We fought it together. Then we fought it individually. And we became BRAVE. And a brilliant man once said, “love is only for the brave”. 

[fallout-drabbles-n-stuff]

Pining companions and sole getting stuck in a small cramped place to hide from some enemies maybe? Also with X6 if possible...? 👉👈 and I absolutely love your most recent companions react. Keep up the great work and stay safe!

(Thank you so much for the request and extra special thanks for the compliment, things like that are what keep me wanting to write 💖 hope you enjoy.)

Cait:

She was both super excited and super freaked out. That was a major problem for her, mainly because she wasn’t nearly as unnerved by the feral ghouls outside the shitty little fortress you assembled as she was scared of saying the wrong thing while you wait. She never has been the type to worry about such stupid things, but with you? That was a different story, ever since you proven yourself to her...and since she realized that you stopped becoming just friends and she started wanting something more.

So with that being said, she’d nervously tap her foot, bite her lip and take back-to-back swigs from her flask- sheepishly offering you some of her drink as well. Just anything to keep her mind off of how strongly she felt the urge to grab ahold of your pretty face and kiss you and tell you how crazy you drive her.

That probably wouldn’t be the best thing to do when your life was literally being threatened.

Curie:

Oh my, she was so excited. I mean..as excited as someone forced into hiding for their life could be..which was still pretty excited for her. She was well aware of the dangers beyond your tiny refuge but she couldn’t help but focus on the way that your hands brushed up against each other as you settled, a big smile on her lips and a small blush to pair.

She wasn’t quite sure why you had this kind of effect on her much less what the “effect” really was, but whatever the reason, it was intoxicating.

Danse:

At first he was completely fine, jumping out his suit of armor to use it as a barricade in case the super mutants just so happened to track the two of you back to your makeshift hiding space. However..when he climbed out of the steel contraption and realized just how small the room was, he began to panic all over again.

There wasn’t anywhere he could move without brushing up against you. It would’ve all been okay has you been literally anyone else, but you? Well you just had this terrible way of setting his flesh ablaze with a mere look, his nose and cheeks flushing bright red when you flashed a small cheeky smile.

“Well Paladin...think we should just wait it out this time. I call being the big spoon..”

And just like that, Danse thought he was going to faint.

Deacon:

More than anything deacon was scared. Not because it was you though, no, he was far too comfortable despite his little crush to be scared to hunker down with you. You were like his best friend after all...well he certainly hoped that one day you’d be a little more when the two of you were in a better place......literally.

As for now, he’d settle for whispering small jokes to distract you from the looming feeling of peril that took form as the pissed off institue synths lurking just beyond the safe refuge of the meager broom closet he pulled you inside.

Gage:

His primary objective was to make sure the stupid nuka-lurks wouldn’t bust through the doorway, his single hazel colored eye darting around the ridiculously small room in search of a way to fortify your surroundings.

He’d be damned if he let anything happen to you.

After your help putting up what little barricades you could make, he sighed, turning on his heels..only to completely brush up against you.

It was then the raider realized just how cramped your makeshift refuge was...he realized just how close the two of you were going to be for who knows how long.

While the thought made his heart hammer in chest, he couldn’t help the smug grin that tugged at the corners of his lips.

This should be interesting to say the least.

Hancock:

Had it not been for the inherent danger of the vastly outnumbering amount of raiders on the other side of the wall, he might’ve actually gotten to enjoy the close contact with you. Don’t get me wrong though, a piece of him was starting to feel all..strange.

By this point he was well aware of his feelings for you, just not on how to proceed with them..there wasn’t really ever a good time to confront you with it anyways. Besides, now certainly wasn’t either.

That still didn’t stop Hancock from doing a little victory dance internally. Hey, it might’ve not been ideal..but at least he was damn close to you right now.

He’ll take it.

Macready:

Be it his experience in little lamplight or the countless other “eventful” things he’d endured throughout his life, Mac wasn’t terribly phased.

Sure, the mere thought of being truly stuck, death literally around the corner was scary, but it was nothing compared to the rushing of blood in his ears. Had you been anyone else, he might’ve been more annoyed, willing to toss you out to whatever was trying to get the two of you and run but..no.

It was you. It was you that truly made him afraid now. A seemingly endless amount of time to spend with the one person he felt such intense feelings for after Lucy..so much time to fudge it up.

This was going to be a long night.

Maxson:

The close proximity didn’t even register with him at first. Instead his mind was more preoccupied with firstly, devising a way to get out with the two of you wholly intact and secondly, pondering just where he went wrong...also just what the hell was taking the backup he requested so long.

However when he tried to back away from the closet door, only to bump right into you he visibly froze.

Oh by steel, this was hell.

He had been in plenty of predicaments like this one before, but never in any of said experiences had the person he was with has the ability to make his speechless nor cause an unfamiliar fluttering in his stomach.

So...he’d remain rigid until finally the spinning barrel of a mini gun could be heard on the other side of the room’s barricaded steel door.

Nick:

He should’ve seen it coming. Thanks to him, the two of you were stuck, completely at the mercy of whatever higher power was watching over.

Since when did deathclaws inhabit old department stores??? It didn’t matter.

What mattered to him at this point was the soft lulling of you voice when you yawned through whatever witty remark you were going to shoot his way. If he had a true heart, it would’ve been hammering out of his chest at this point. As a matter of fact, it would’ve probably stopped altogether when you decided to take a long overdue nap- snuggled up in his trenchcoat.

What was he going to do with you?

Old Longfellow:

This wasn’t his first rodeo with this kind of predicament, so he wasn’t entirely bothered. An uncontrollable grin shaping his face as he watched you visibly pout, leaning up against the boarded up window as you eyed the only visible entry way- trying to block out the snarls of the feral ghoul hoards on the other side.

He couldn’t help but chuckle when you scoffed, rolling your eyes when the noises stopped.

Damn, you were cute.

Wait...what? Where did that come from?

Piper:

Luckily she had an ability to pretend nothing was wrong at all. It was one of the many perks of what her occupation and its experience does to a person. So, outwardly Piper would just snicker as she watched the Deathclaw outside frantically try to find where you ran off to- almost outwardly busting out laughing as the fearsome creature literally chased its own tail for a moment.

However on the inside she was practically jumping for joy. It was perhaps not the best way to get to spend some quality time with you but..eh, beggar’s can’t be choosers. She wouldn’t want anyone else to hide from death with anyways!

Preston:

It had crossed his mind to simply just jump out of the window a couple times. It wasn’t because you were just that insufferable, heavens, it was quite the opposite. He just couldn’t stand the way he couldn’t stop staring at your lips, the way he could hardly form a intelligible word and the way you just seemed to radiate beauty in a time where most would’ve been scared shitless.

How were you so unbothered? How did you manage to make him feel so out of control?

To make matters worse, the close proximity you shared only intensified the nervousness he felt. As though the thought of an angry mole rat pack eating him wasn’t enough...

He knew the reason, but..why?

Sturges:

This wasn’t exactly the first time this had happened to you and him..only this time was different in the sense that it was just you and him, the room was a whole hell of a lot smaller and finally, the first time..you didn’t make his heart flutter by just smiling at him.

Surprisingly he’d be pretty good at hiding his awkward internal feelings, instead choosing to focus on an escape plan.

However...this event did encourage him to finally find himself at your doorstep one night to confess the way he truly felt.

X6-88:

Life certainly has a way of surprising you, doesn’t it? X6 certainly thought so at this point. There was hardly ever a situation that he couldn’t shoot his way out of, even if there was, he would just relay the fuck out of there as soon as he could...and yet here he was. Stuck behind some old collapsed building while a behemoth aimlessly hunted the two of you down.

Although the structure was big, there was no telling how safe each room was so using better judgement, the two of you decided to stay in the one tiny interior room.

It was then that X6 really wished he could teleport at that time. He loved being in your company, he really did..but as of late? Well lately an unfamiliar, scary feeling took over his senses when you merely looked at him.

He was terrified. Now? He was absolutely horrified. There was no stopping the awkwardness he felt as he so desperately tried to look anywhere but those pretty eyes of your’s.

Wait, pretty? Oh no..what has taken ahold of him?

[bokunoheroanalysisforthefuture]

And the last chapter of the first volume! Though technically there’s after-chapter content that will be in a separate post from this, but for now, what matters is finishing up the quirk assessment and getting into the battle trial!

Honestly, it’s a good thing that I just shoved all the opening arcs from before the USJ together into one tag, because this chapter literally goes from the quirk assessment into the beginning of the battle trial stuff, and trying to separate them out would have been a mess and a half. Better to just have it all in the ‘opening arcs’ tag.

...weird title for something that only comes at the end of the chapter, but whatever, it’s not like we don’t see that happen later on in the series as well.

[No. 7 - Costume Change?]

And we immediately come back to where we left off, with All Might realizing what just happened and what Izuku did and even why! One of those little peeks that remind us that All Might is very smart! Also god, him with a small fanboy moment over how proud he is of his kid and how cool that workaround was, mmm this is the Dad Might content I signed up for. 

Izuku is still standing firm, even with his finger swollen and damaged, biting back the pain. Ochako is cheering about that record, Tenya notices Izuku’s finger is damaged and thinks back to the entrance exam, calling it a ‘strange quirk’, Aoyama says it’s stylishly done, and Katsuki is brain broke.

I’m sorry that’s just so fucking funny. He is such a goddamn gremlin, but he’s also completely shook. He thinks about how quirks never manifest past age four, but somehow Izuku has a quirk. 

He then recalls Izuku saying ‘he earned this’ and gets pissed, blasting forward to demand an explanation while Izuku freaks out-

Only for Katsuki to have his quirk cancelled by Aizawa and also get caught up in the capture scarf. 

Beauty. Grace. He’ll bite off your face. 

Katsuki notes the cloth is stiff, while Aizawa tells him that it’s a capture weapon made of carbon fibers and a special alloy wire, then tells Katsuki to stop using his quirk already. Which is interesting; can Aizawa sense when people are trying to use their quirks while under the effects of his? If so, is he sensing the aborted movement of whatever quirk factors exist, or ??? 

(All I’m saying is that that is some possible fuel for a Dad For One connection but for Aizawa instead of Izuku… you know, just in case.)

As we sort of saw from the last chapter, Aizawa’s quirk has the side effect of giving him dry eyes (he was putting eyedrops in his eyes after using his quirk on Izuku). Izuku thinks that sucks since his quirk is so awesome. Aizawa lets his quirk and scarf drop, telling the class to prepare for the next event.

Katsuki is standing where he was stopped, glaring at Izuku who is holding his hand while Ochako worries over him and his finger. He’s caught up in a flashback (which again, reminder that this is chapter 7 and we already have flashbacks), thinking about how up to then, Izuku was just another pebble in his path. We get a brief cut to a memory flashback (not a chapter flashback) to when Izuku and Katsuki were still friends, and Izuku was waiting for his quirk to come in still, and then repeats that Izuku was only supposed to be a pebble. Single track mind, much?

Discord:

Ah, that good Bakugou discourse. This is why you do this stuff in a server with friends.

Izuku narrates a short passage of time - over the rest of the events - while handling the pain of his injured finger. Aizawa tells them it’s time for the results, with Izuku thinking about how he’s going to get expelled because the only record worth mentioning was the throw, and how the endurance running failed hard because of the pain. Aizawa says he won’t explain the process behind the scoring process, just that they reflect performance.

And then he reveals he was lying about expelling someone. 

The trio’s faces. Aizawa’s manic smile. The trio���s faces. And Momo there like ‘what did you expect?’ God, I can’t help but giggle.

Izuku just fucking ascending to a new plane of existance here.

Aizawa turns to leave, saying they’re done there and that the documents about the curriculum and whatnot are back in the classroom. He then calls out Izuku, who is shaking in panic (probably about Aizawa changing his mind again - I wonder if teachers before UA pulled that sort of ‘syke’ on Izuku… yikes.)

Instead, he just gets handed a pass to the nurse’s office (not even filled out fully, incredible) and then turns and walks off.

The class is left to stare after Aizawa in bafflement, with Izuku’s narration noting that he’s safe for the moment, but still has too much he can’t do, and that he’s literally starting from the bottom - but here’s there to learn so he can get closer to his dream!

Class rankings:

And- ah, he walked past All Might, who calls him out as a liar. Aizawa either didn’t notice him watching or didn’t know it was All Might specifically who was watching, but either way calls it ‘wasting time’ - which makes sense when all the teachers know about his time limit that he’s spending there watching Izuku the kids do their trials.

All Might notes that April Fool’s was over a week ago, and that the ‘rational deception’ thing falls flat when he expelled an entire class of first years the previous year. Aizawa discards those with zero potential, but he went back on his word here, and then asks if he sensed Midoriya’s potential as well. While giving Aizawa finger guns. Have I mentioned this man is a complete dork yet?

Aizawa catches onto the ‘as well’ bit, and determines that All Might’s supporting the kid - which isn’t his usual style. He then starts walking off again, saying Midoriya doesn’t have no chance, but that’s all he’ll say on the matter. He then says that if the kid had no prospects, he’d cut him loose, since it’s crueler to let someone chase half-baked dreams. 

All Might determines quietly that it’s Aizawa’s way of being kind, but out loud states that they can agree to disagree. Meanwhile, in the background, Sero and Sato notice All Might, which probably leads to class 1a going after him and him fleeing for safety. 

We transition to when Izuku is heading home, with him exhausted because of his trip to Recovery Girl. Tenya checks in on him, and Izuku says he’s fine, with us seeing a temporary flashback to the nurse’s office. Izuku notes his finger’s better, but he’s exhausted all of a sudden (he doesn’t remember last time since he was unconscious). 

A couple of things:

Kamui Woods pez dispenser 

Oh, so if he doesn’t have stamina he’ll die! Good to know! :)

Anyways, Izuku thinks about how he can’t keep going on like this and has to figure out how to regulate his power fast. Tenya goes on to talk about how Aizawa had fooled them, making them think that was how it was, only for it to be a deception. (The irony that the mercy was actually unplanned all along gets to me.) Izuku is more relaxed around him now that he realizes Tenya isn’t scary, just super serious.

Ochako rushes over to catch up, asking if they’re heading for the station. Tenya calls her ‘Infinity Girl’ and Izuku repeats it mentally in surprise. Ochako introduces herself, and then brings up their names - though she mistakes Izuku’s name for ‘Deku’, because of what Katsuki said during the test. Izuku corrects her with awkward hand gestures, saying his real name and that the ‘Deku’ is just Katsuki being a bully. 

Tenya and Ochako both acknowledge this, with Ochako apologizing, and then mentioning how ‘Deku’ sounds like ‘do your best’, and that she likes it. Izuku goes beet fucking red and immediately replies that Deku is fine, with Tenya chastising him for not showing backbone while Izuku calls it like the Copernican Revolution and Ochako questions who Copernicus is. 

The narration takes over, noting that even if there’s a lot he can’t do, he’ll do his best, but having All Might and even some friends behind him… it’s more than he could have asked for. 

Good children. Best friends. God, these were the good days… more OG Dekucrew content please and thanks.

We get one panel of Toshinori that Izuku’s got no time to rest, and that tomorrow the real test begins. Then we’re onto the next day, aka the first day of actual classes - and oh, right, UA has clubs, that’s something that’s easy to forget when we never see it with the hero classes. I mean, considering that the actual hero training classes probably overlap the usual club hours, not surprising, but still.

Present Mic is shown to be the English teacher, trying to get the kids in the spirit of class, but pretty much everyone is finding it boring - asides from Izuku, who is actually trying to answer the question mentally, even if not out loud. The narration notes that the mornings are for normal classes, and that lunch is top-notch food for dirt cheap in the cafeteria (as cooked by Lunch Rush), and then hero training is in the afternoon… possibly after lunch? Which isn’t great when people could end up throwing up. Ah well.

These fucking dorks. Two peas in a quirkless-to-superpowered pea pod.

And of course, more meta from the class on how All Might’s drawn differently.

Anyways, All Might gets into Hero Basic Training, how it’ll mold them into heroes, and that there’s no time to waste as he shows off a card reading ‘battle’ before stating that they have battle training. 

Have I mentioned he’s a dork? There’s more ham here than in Shatner’s performances in the original Star Trek series!

Katsuki is thrilled with battle training, of course. All Might notes that for battle training, the class will need - as the wall clicks and opens several drawers with numbered cases, each with contents in accordance with the quirk registry and the special request forms fill out before admission - costumes! Which the class is super hyped about. Izuku is holding his backpack in excitement, and All Might orders the students to come out to Ground Beta in ranking order once they’re changed, to which the class agrees. 

As he takes his leave, he notes that looking good is important, and to look alive, because from today on, they’re all heroes! We also get some nice transition moments showing pieces of people’s costumes, with Izuku being the last one out as the rest show theirs off.

So cool! And what a way to end a chapter and a book! And a nice nod to the prototype costume for Izuku. Time to say goodbye to it before the end of this arc. 

Next time, I’ll try to get through all the bonus stuff for the end of the volume, and then we can get into the battle trial proper! Looking forward to that.

[ziracona]

On a scale of one to ten (one is your screwed and ten is your gonna destroy them) how would you do in a fight against the dead by daylight killers. First rules though. 1. No prep for either side (suck it Danny) 2. No guns! Only weapons found around your house. 3. It's to the death one being leaves an that's it. 4. No help from friends or pets. 5. Whether legion is four teens or just one combined is up to you.

Uhh, this depends drastically on if you mean I one v one every one of them, or if I’m trying to fight a mob. Because if it’s me vs all of them, I’d just die. Like I’m sure I’d have decent odds of killing at least one, maybe two, and taking them with me. But I’m not John Wick—I cant 1v23 a bunch of armed people with some degree of experience with their weapons given no prep time, allies, or special weapons to save me. I like basically anyone else die sadly to the mob.

If this is one v one though, bc it’d be hard to get them all to work together anyway, and that’s the only way like anyone stands a chance?

Evan: I give me 50-50 odds. He’s way bigger than me and his weapon has a longer reach than any known, even the swords. I’m pretty good at thinking on my feet though. I feel like I have about a 50% chance of living or dying (I’m getting gravely injured regardless), but if I die, I am taking him with me, 80% chance. I was not always proficient at winning fights, but I was very good at not losing them. I’ve been known for taking a sword to get a kill hit at cons a lot. I give me a 6 at simultaneous KO or victory.

Philip I refuse to kill. Even if he was trying to kill me. I would defend myself though. Much bigger threat than Evan to me because I /don’t/ want to hurt him at all, which puts me at disadvantage and liable to freeze up or make mistakes even trying to deal nonlethal damage, he’s bigger and taller than me so height and weight advantage, and I don’t have long enough weapons to help me overcome that, plus on top of that, he’s a tactical fighter, which is what I am. And I think it’s harder to beat someone at your and their own game than just to beat another style most of the time. I mean skill is skill in any area, but I’d take a really strong tank in a fight rather than a planner any day of the week. I think he’s smart, probably smarter than me under pressure, definitely more experienced, and would kick my ass tactically if his heart was in it. If it wasn’t though, I’d have a chance to catch him off guard. I think Vs Philip I get one chance to use a tricky move, and if I mess that up, I die. If I do it right, maybe I can knock him out. It’s a one shot long shot at disadvantage. I give me a 4 if his heart isn’t in it, 3 if it is.

Hillbilly has a chainsaw and hammer, but those are both unwieldy and slow weapons. I’m faster than him, and I’m willing to get hurt. Also he’s killed a lot, but he’s not a /fighter/, which gives me an edge. Being tactical works really well vs someone whose edge is brute force. And he doesn’t have as massive a height or strength advantage. I also have tricks and home court advantage. So long as I don’t fuck up, I give myself an 8.5.

Sally isn’t that scary. I would try to incapacitate her. I feel I could easily take her as a ghost or a person. I have good ghost fighting supplies, salt, chalk, talismans, knowledge. I’m prepared for this. I think I’m coming in for this one at a solid 10.

Michael Myers would kill me. I mean, he’s got like X-Man semi invincibility, good skills, and I don’t really want to kill him. I’d try to talk him down while defending myself. I’d probably fail, but I’d try. Best case scenario I get him to hesitate, but also I’m being generous and giving me a 12% chance of that. Realistically, best case is I pull out a rug, trip him, and temporarily escape. A fight in an enclosed space, most likely outcome is I try and fail to talk him down, and I die. I feel very sure I cannot take him in a fight unless Ishtar herself blesses me with god like abilities. I’m probably dead. At least it would be quick. I give me a 1.6.

Lisa is tiny and not that strong. I could easily break her little glass bones. I’m taller and stronger than her, and she had worse weapons than me. I would try not to kill her though—just incapacitate. I feel I could do this while sustaining only minor wounds. Not to give you a look beyond weird ghost shit into my personal arsenal, but I definitely have supplies for that. I give me a 10.

Herman is tall and strong but he’s not a fighter. He’s a scientist. I’ve been shocked before, and I know what to expect from him. He’s getting blasted by a power washer at range until his weird face apparatus comes off and he’s down and out. I have more precise weapons than him and can easily neutralize his abilities and turn them against him. Also have rubber to wear. He’s big though, so for that alone I give me a 9.6 in case I mess up.

Anna would destroy me. She’s good at ranged weapons, I am not. I would try to look as young as possible and convince her in my very bad but slowly improving baby Russian to please have mercy on me. We’re back to the Michael scenario where I know I have no chance of normal survival and would have to try and talk my way out. My odds are higher here though. I’m pretty cute and I know a little Russian. I give me a 4. But the 4 is not me winning it’s my odds of surviving through begging for my life. She’d kick my ass in a fight.

Bubba isn’t that good at fighting and has a big and cumbersome, if scary, weapon. I feel I could easily use terrain, weapons, and strategy to my advantage and kill him, unless I’m in a place with no terrain or furniture. In which case it’d be a lot worse for me. If I was not, though, I give me a solid 9.6 at owning that fight. I have a good throwing arm and plenty of stuff that can blind a foe, and a lot of weapons. A lot of weapons.

Freddy. Okay this is hard. I know how to kill him about as well as anyone does? So comparatively my odds are good? But. Also he’s a demon and a bit of a heavyweight in this arena. Sadly. If we’re in-realm rules, I have a /very/ good chance of kicking his ass. Give me a 10 to win, although I might not survive either. Probably would. If he’s like /film/ loadout? I give me more like a 6. It would be a battle, but I have a lot of knowledge and determination. Also I’m taller than him and bigger and could break his arms.

Amanda. Easy fam, that’s a 10. No, 11. Injured recently drugged Eric Matthews almost kicked her ass while toting a smashed foot. She’s like, 5 foot 1 and 30 pounds underweight. It’s not gonna be hard at all.

Kenneth I give me a 10 too. Easy fam. Even if he gets realm rules where he’s not tripping balls on his own drugs, I know what he’s got. I’ve got better weapons, I’m young, fast, strong, and smarter. I hold my breath, and run him through. Quick jabs from a dagger, take him down. Use my agility. He was never a fighter anyway—he used drugs to prey on people who couldn’t fight back. You know what? Give me another 11.

Rin? Uhhhh, I know as much as about anyone how to deal with her, but my odds of succeeding /before/ she killed me are...not great. And if we fought, there’s no way I have the ability to kill an Onryo. I put using my supernatural beings knowledge to hold her back long enough to stop her in the realm of improbably, but potentially doable, and give myself a 2.7. This is not to kill her though. Just to make her stop killing me. I have no way near the power or spiritual knowledge needed to kill something like that.

Legion I’d not really want to kill. They’re all teenagers or baby 20 year olds. I don’t want to wail fatally on kids, even ones who suck. That said, I think I could take them in a fight. If it was four and I got to fight them one at a time, easiest, four in one body back to back is medium, four at once is hard. First two options I could potentially fight to not kill. Third option only choice would be do everything I can to even /maybe/ have a shot. I have less experience stabbing people, but I’m more ready to take pain, and more motivated, so I give myself a 6, 5, and 3.5 to those scenarios respectively. I would be badly wounded regardless.

Adiris I don’t have healthy enough fear of dying of bubonic plague, and that would give me an edge. I think I have a good sword and shield combo to deal with the mace. She’s tall, but I have her beat in strength and stamina as well as agility bc she’s emaciated and dying. I would not want to kill her though. Might try to talk to her in my fucked Akkadian. Try to incapacitate if that failed. I give me a solid 8 if she’s treating this like a 9 to 5 or distracted by me, give me a 4 if she wants me /dead/. Either way, I probably have to run to the CDC and pray I survive scarred after.

Danny is just some sneaky dick with a knife. He doesn’t even know how to get stabbed. Slightly harder than a few other knife fighters bc he wears so much damn leather, but the eyes and mouth of that mask are vulnerable, and I feel sure I can drive a knife into them before sustaining any kind of fatal wound. He doesn’t have much edge on me in any area, I have him well beat in conviction, and I’m smarter than him by quite a bit. I give me a 9.

Uhhh, Demo isn’t that hard, and I love fire. Probably gonna get a little hurt, but I’m not worried about this one. Easy 10.

Kazan is interesting. He has me beat in size and strength, but his weapon is unwieldy and slow. I have quick weapons and am more agile, and I’m ready to fight dirty to save myself. 7 probably. It’s a luck thing. I have the edge, but if he really lands a hit on me even once, it’s all over. So. Not the /best/ of odds. Maybe a 6.8, actually.

You said no guns but I assume Caleb still gets his. He only gets one shot before being vulnerable though, and he’s much older than me. I’m faster and more agile, and stronger. He’s got really good endurance too though so I don’t have the edge there. It’s gonna be kind of a game of chicken to see who blinks. If he misses his one shot, I win. If he gets the shot, he wins. However, I think my odds of baiting the shot and getting my opening are decent. I give me a solid 7 here.

I still don’t even know which Pyramid Head he /is/. Why does any version exist here and want to kill me, can he smell, can I use that, can electricity hurt him, can he use my guilt against me? There are so many unknowns for both of us, I give us both a 5.

Talbot is an easy 10 unless he gets the jump on you. But you said no planning, so no surprise attacks, so I give me a 10. His body is literally falling apart, and all the blight serum in the world can’t save him from me forever. I have a bunch of tools at my disposal, and he’s fast, but he’s not accurate. Edge, me.

Victor and Charlotte. Interesting one here. Don’t want to kill them either, but I would to save myself I guess if I couldn’t stop them. Not scared of Victor. I bite too, and I go for the throat. Charlotte is more of a problem. Finally it’s a tall killer with a short range weapon though, so edge: me, in weapons. I think I have decent odds of beating them, but I would not get out unscathed. Give me a 7.5.

Jo-Woon. Depends wildly. He throws tiny knives that do too little damage. If he takes me seriously as a threat and tries to go for the throat before I can get close, edge: him, and I’m in for a really rough fight even with a shield. If he wants to fuck around with me though, I’ll win. Because I am prepared to suffer immensely to get a kill shot. If he was smart, I’d give the fight a 6, but I feel extremely confident he’d be cocky, so I give me a 9 to survive, a 10 to at worst get a simultaneous K.O.

[chateautae]

elphie anon 🐘

I read MID ch7 instantly when you posted it and had to take a couple of days to just to comprehend... uhm, some... feelings. So forgive me, since I've bottled this up and will result in a long message ... but the work is just so good I can't resist showering you with praise.

You live in my mind rent free.

I can't describe how cute and domestic everything was in the early parts then hOt, then just ditty dotty destroyed me in the later scenes.

The smut was... *clears throat, wipes forehead daintily*... it made me feel stuff that I should otherwise be used to in esp in this site, but when mid Tae told YN to behave I think it took my brain minutes to comprehend that I'm just reading a wonderfully crafted piece. And that no, I should not feel my knees to weaken and toes curl, but they did anyway. Gotta say, the mind is a powerful thing.

But as it turns out, SAMMY IS SO MUCH POWERFUL.

The whole trip with Jimin really solidified what was coming in the end of this chaoter, it tastefully and comprehensively vocalised the conversation about this whole feelings ordeal first with YN, and paved way for that earth shattering ending. I can't help but remember thay quote from The Perks of Being a Wallflower when I was reading: "we accept the love we think we deserve."

Damn, really. While it hurts to see and more on resonate with how hard it is to accept love from others after certain unfortunate relationships (yn), I really commend you on choosing to write this realistically. I think her mindset towards this type of stuff, while not really the best, is well-built enough to show how hard and conflicting it is to see yourself have worth for love. And it isn't easy to change in a matter of moments, but it is worth changing this perception just as it is worth seeing and admitting when you love someone.

For me, it's also worth seeing that sometimes the love others give us are dependent on how much they treasure us, and that's theirs alone. It's not something that we get to decide no matter how much we think we shouldn't hsve it, but something that, at least here, is something they spend just as much thought and effort to ensure and choose.

Tae felt it in every chapter, intensely too, with his friends as witnesses. Of course deceit can always happen, but sincerity too. You can't punish yourselves for the deciet that others do. it's their lie, faulting the victim (hate u kiseok) won't do anything, and carefulness doesn't always mean you're always right about others' intentions. I cried so much for both of them, but I guess that we can't always understand love from each's point of view as clearly as they can; we just have to learn to accept it. And trust that maybe, or surely, that they do love us, and us them.

Your talent and hardwork speaks so genuinely to my mind when I read your work; I can't say enough to thank you for letting the world see this.

... And is it true? The murmurings from the street, the rumors falling from lips? MAKE-UP SEX? YN BTCH U BETTER HEAL THAT HAND fully OR I WILL BE THE ONE TO CAREFULLY MEDICATE U SO TAE CAN FUCK YOU INTO THE DEEP DIMENSIONS OF HIS LOVE AND CARE FOR U. AND U DO THE SAME TOO BTCH BETTER KISS ALL UR FEELINGS INTO HIM.

cuz if u don't, then i shall join forces with jimin and hana.

sorry for such a long mssg huhu, and for the bad interpretation chahahzhJJJjssjjakwks

NEVER SAY SORRY FOR LONG MESSAGES I’M A CERTIFIED WHORE FOR THEM 😤

“You live in my mind rent free” Showering me with praise??? I’M- I’m crying?? I don’t even know what to say omg 😭 ASLDJLDKJ please dom!tae has that power, and it’s really only a sneak peek of what happens when you disobey him because let’s be real, Y/N will do it again sksksk. Oh God, you’re so correct, I think it summarizes perfectly what’s going on between these two. In a sense, they’re both rejecting each other on the premise either of them is not deserving of the other’s love. “We accept the love we think we deserve”, such a beautiful quote that can explain two broken people trying to find a way to love each other 🥺

You’re correct again, the human mind is a wonderfully intricate system, and oddly takes a few seconds to destroy yet years to rebuild. Y/N’s mindset comes from not only years under the emotional (and sometimes physical we’ve seen) abuse she’s endured from her mother which can largely impact any child, but also from someone she was in love with for a long time only have that love taken advantage of and abused as well. It’s crippling to anyone’s mentality and skews the idea of love for them almost eternally. 

Taehyung is different because he’s never been in love before, it’s new and shiny and bright and so he fell hard and fast, he has no qualms about admitting he’s in love either because he doesn’t know the painful experience of falling in love and desires to finally be in love (only until this argument ofc) while Y/N denies it because she knows love is painful and doesn’t want to go through it again. 

Though you’re correct yet again, it will present itself in future chapters but ultimately, love as pure as theirs is unconditional and cannot be changed nor forgotten. It won’t matter what the other thinks, because the other will love them unconditionally, or love them until they believe them, because love is ours to give and cannot be defined nor appraised by any price. But alas, we can never truly know how someone else feels about us, so another great point, love is scary because we must trust in the depths of our hearts somebody loves us the same, and we must see how these two decide to trust each other on that.

You’re so kind for even taking the time to write such a long message elphie anon omg, it took me days to reply to you because I didn’t even know how to begin, but I had the stupidest grin reading your lovely message 🥺💕 thank you so much, truly, for always being so sweet and interactive. 

ALSO WAITTT “SO TAE CAN FUCK YOU INTO THE DEEP DIMENSIONS OF HIS LOVE AND CARE FOR U” WHY AM I CACKLING AT THIS I FELT THIS IN MY SOULLL OMG but yes I’m currently writing the smut scene and all I have to say is there’s a LOT going on, YES it shall be categorized as rough and nasty yet soft and passionate makeup sex because I'm a desperate whore😌

[peacefulrevivalteen]

Exam day

@taiyuu-high-oct

3.7k below,  Refrenced/used in it: Tokachi Ameko (refrenced), Suzuki Popi, Ogura Svetlana, Masaki Sako, Gakusa Oh, Yamazaki Yui, Kottoba Kiru (actually named), Crona, Kenzou, Koatsu Arakan, Jane Watson, Fujimoto Anika

         Stepping off the train Ozen finds herself shuffling around the docks trying to find where she is supposed to go. The main gate into Taiyuu proper is shut with a big arrow pointing applicants to go further down the dock. While Ozen is early she’s not the only one, some rabbit girl seems to be angrily going at it with a girl with pigtails and the most shit-eatiest of grins. Workers shoo them along as they are disrupting the “Feel better” area. “Feel better” is repeated on the sign they put up that has a happy dog design on it. Odd but whatever, Ozen continues down the dock stopping when she sees a giant cave opening, multiple lit signs pointing to it a clear indicator she found the testing location and heads in.

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More applicants have shuffled in at this point, Ozen thankful for her stature and don’t fuck with me aura, as her sister describes it, is able to take her place in front of the raised stage. The volume of the enclosed space almost gets to be too much when the abrupt loud sound of a microphone silences the room, everyone looking towards the direction from where it originated, the stage. The man, who Ozen parsed as having a deer mutant class quirk, stood stock-still, like a... deer in headlights, obviously not expecting the sound or the sudden attention of everyone in the room.

The Deer man seemed to get over the blunder, shaking himself off and introducing themselves to the crowd, “A-apologies for that. I’m Buckskin, the Vice Principle of Taiyuu, and I would like to start by congratulating you all for passing the written exam you took off site and earning a spot here in today’s entrance exam. Anyone bringing outside equipment or gear, must have it approved by our head of support, situated by the cave’s entrance. While that finishes up, Lacca-daisy our principle will explain the exam.”

With his part done, the hero moved to the side of the stage to give room to the principle who… wasn’t there. If this bothered the VP, he was great at hiding it as the crowd started to get uncomfortable with the lack of speaker, eventually giving his watch a slight scowl.

The roof began to shake as a small opening forms popping out said late principle who landed on the stage with a flourish. Not perturbed by her own tardiness, Lacca-daisy decked out in her hero outfit and looking like she had been using her quirk all morning if the faint layering of dirt is any indication, grabs the mic. “Welcome prospective students!” she may be covered in dirt but the smile she gives the crowd is blinding “This portion of the exam will be an obstacle course the likes of which other hero schools could only dream of!” She motions to the previously blank screen behind her as a diagram pops up of what appears to be a 2d view of the island, the room cavern they are currently in blinking to show where they were.

“Instead of being some linear race, the exam is split up into separate layered rooms! Once the exam begins each room will have one gate in it and your goal is to get through it!”

An animation pops up on screen of what appears to be pixel versions of the VP, the head of support, and two other heroes Ozen didn’t know in a final fantasy styled battle against a giant version of a dog she faintly recalls seeing around.

“Everyone is competing to get through a gate, even if they have to work together against obstacles”

The animation continues with the unnamed Mohawk pixel fighter choosing to attack the enemy which the animation portrays as giving them a tummy rub, defeating the boss. Pixel VP’s turn has them selecting the “bound” ability resulting in them jumping through the once blocked gate, a stone door shutting right after them.

“Once an applicant is through a gate, they pass! It isn’t over for the rest though!”

Black holes open up under the remaining pixel fighters surprising them as they fall through.

“Anyone not through a gate falls to the next level and the struggle to get through a gate starts anew with new competition!”

The previous diagram pops up showing the initial room spider webbing down into more rooms that do the same, representing the theoretical progress of applicants during the exam.

“The exam gets less difficult as you descend levels, getting through a gate whether at the top or the bottom is treated equally because of this!”

Murmurs of confusion are heard throughout the crowd

Smirking as if expecting this type of response she continues “Just like in the heroing world, if you can end a situation quickly you should do so, and if you can’t, endure till you do!”

That garnered a more positive response as just the mention of actual heroing psyches some whoops from the crowd. Her smile shifted eerily quick, carrying a serious presence and tone that halts the excitement.

“Physically harming other applicants on purpose will result in immediate disqualification. The only exception is if you make it to the last room which will be denoted by green lighting, your final chance to get through a gate at that point…”

The switch back to her ray of sunshine smile is as sudden and abrupt as the previous

“Alright! Before we get started I just have to go over some procedures!”

  This is actually going okay Kazumi Shunsuke aka the hero Buckskin aka the vice principle thought, switching between watching Chikyu and scanning the crowd.

The start could have gone better leaving me hanging like that but it’s going okay! All these applicants brimming with potential, Taiyuu is in go-

Kazumi’s thoughts are cut short when his gaze lands on a particularly affectionate display and in the front row no less!

Wha- kids these days are so forward! No shame, don’t they know they’ll be separated in the exam now? Growing a slight blush he turns to his tablet, taking quick note of the applicants.

What an interesting take on an entrance exam, will definitely be more interesting than UA’s Ozen thinks listening intently to Lacca-daisy’s explanation on how to resign if you are in a room.

It’s at that moment that she catches movement from the VP in the corner of her eye,

Huh? What spooked him?

Her attempts to follow his gaze only makes her realize he is staring at HER. She tries to turn and its then that she notices someone is

Playing

With

Her

Hair.

She makes eye contact with the blue pink heterochromatic girl. . . .

There is only silence between them as the shorter girl continues to smile, unperturbed from her previous task of playing with the taller’s hair.

Ozen just turns back and continues to listen, catching the smaller girl doing so as well albeit hair still in hand. Well Kasumi did mention I should be more friendly.. At least attempt to make friends…

  Buckskin gives Lacca-daisy a thumbs up from his side of the stage.

Ah that’s the cue, time to get this show on the road.

“Seems like everyone is checked in, so before we let you off to your starting rooms I’ll leave you with this, the great hero Napoleon Dynamite-“

Murmurs spread through the crowd and an audible face palm come from the VP’s direction

“Once said… ‘True heroism consists in being superior to the ills of life’ break a leg out there! But not literally cause I lied about the starting rooms”

Oh no her scary face has returned as she holds her hand up

“the exam starts.. NOW!”

There is a snap, and the floor beneath the crowd crumbles.

Ozen swears she hears maniacal laughter as she falls.

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         The room is pitch black and while she is unaffected by the drop she can hear others expressing their thankfulness for the soft soil cushioning their fall. It seems the entire pool of applicant’s share the first room, but what will the obstacle be Ozen thinks standing up.

It’s then that a blip of light pops on in the distance, then another, two more, blips start to fill the room as the lights for the room itself turn on revealing a robotic army separating them and the lone gate behind.

Quirks are lighting up, while others get into a fighting stance in preparation for the upcoming clash.

A speaker comes to life “Your first challenge is robo inferno!!!” a smack and a “that’s patented” is heard as well, “Ah I mean uh robo tsunami!!! The first and greatest challenge of the exam!”

Yup she knew she heard maniacal laughter as it repeats over the speaker.

Everyone is up now as a line of those itching for battle take their place up front.

They take a step and the robots do too and that’s when everything..

Turns off?

The robots powering down surprise everyone, even the speaker gives out a surprised “huh??”

Ozen has to squint but she spots the culprit, behind all of the robots, standing in the gate way waiting for the door is someone who resembles a gargoyle.

After getting over the initial shock of the sudden end, the stone door crashes closed. Not even two minutes since they first fell, the ground crumbles again.

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         Instead of landing in another large room, Ozen finds herself staring down a long corridor and not one to tarry she follows it. Coming up to a narrow bridge with swinging sandbags Ozen starts to wonder where the others on this level are, not once giving any mind to the bags slamming to a stop on her.

The sound of slicing catches her attention coming around the next bend.

There they are it seems she found the other applicants. Amidst of what appears to be a broken robot, a small boy slices at the crystalline door in front of him, a much taller boy leaning on the wall beside him looks up as Ozen makes her way closer.

The taller boy sighs, “you’re too late, someone made it past the riddlebot, and this kid here” he motions with his thumb to the determined boy still having at it, “Decided it was a good idea to attack it.”

The knives in the smaller boy’s hands appeared to have disappeared by now as he turns with a huff “hey I thought it would help!”

The taller boy rolls his eyes at the asinine observation, “Now this basically diamond like boulder blocks us from continuing till pinky out there gets through the gate.”

Ozen takes all this information in before reeling back her fist and crashing it into the boulder resulting in… Nothing.

“Feeling better?” the taller boy remarks with a raised brow.

“Just making sure..” Ozen comments staring at her fist.

The stress of the situation seems to have gotten to the short boy as he lashes out at Ozen’s display, “What did you expect?! Diamond is like the strongest material in the world, it takes more diamond to break diamond, everyone knows that, and that’s what I was trying to do right when you arrived before I ran out of time…”

Stepping off the wall the tall boy places his hand on the boulder, eyes streaming code he interjects “that’s actually a misconception, diamonds are known for their hardness which only denotes resistance to scratching, their toughness which is their ability to resist breakage from falls or impacts is only fair to good, meaning we just need to hit it harder to get through.”

The two blink at the tall boy whose eyes return to normal as he scratches his cheek “It’s my quirk.”

“Well that’s good to know I guess but you saw her punch it, it didn’t budge.”

Ozen interjects herself “Earlier you said you ran out of time; what did you mean by that?”

Surprised she remembered that the shorter boy elaborates, “my quirk conjuring, allows me to make any material I have access to but if it’s not something I’m used to I can really hold it for a minute before having to wait—“

“Make me a gauntlet” Ozen interrupts the boy

“I-I can’t, all the material that maybe would be strong enough is on cool down…”

A low whistle comes from the taller boy “guess we’re just waiting then.”

As the smaller boy slumps down in defeat Ozen looks down at her chest the necklace, of course..

“Can you make it with this? It’s titanium.” She holds out her family’s necklace to the boy, his defeated frown slowly turning back up

“I-I can try! You’ll only have around a minute from the start of my quirk so you have to hurry!”

Ozen nods as he touches her necklace and then.. his eye? If it works it works she can see the forming what is definitely not a gauntlet and more of a crude bludgeoning device which once finished falls to the ground with an audible thud and impact dent.

“Hurry there is only 40 more seconds”

Ozen doesn’t have to be told twice, picking up the crude device she reels her arm back and— CHING the sound of metal on crystal is second only to the cacophony of cracking gemstone,

“tw-wenty seconds!”

Again! Reeling all the way out annnd— KWSHHH still not enough!

“Hurry! Seven seconds!”

This is it, disintegrating weapon in hand she reels her arm

One.

Last.

Time.

And—BWSHHH the sound of broken gemstone raining down fills the floor, even the pink participant who was taking their leisure pace to the gate turns around in shock.

It appears after passing the riddlebots test contestants were to jump down into a pool of water which didn’t seem like much to two out of the three still at the top.

The smaller boy with conjure appeared absolutely elated at their raised position, “huh, maybe you two aren’t plebs after all!” he says before making a running jump off the cliff, finger saluting as wings started to materialize on his back.

Even with the huge head start the pink applicant wasn’t able to match the speed wing boy had garnered from his take off, only barely losing as a rush of feathers and wind make it past them and through the gate, door slamming in their face.

The tall boy Ozen shared a knowing look before they were swallowed in darkness to their next room.

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         Gah I lost a lot of time on that last one, I doubt I’ll even see the gate this level, no green lighting so it’s not the end at least there is that

Ozen doesn’t seem to notice any obstacles but she can pick up… bickering off in the distance?? The corridor provides no alternative paths and so she continues on down, the noise getting louder and louder until she rounds the corner and is totally unprepared for what she sees.

Six other applicants are here, all in varying states of distress, two pretty boys appear to be the source of the bickering she heard as she then notices a girl knocked out on the ground at least she hopes she’s knocked out cause there is also a hooded boy kneeling over her baptizing them in fire. The girl Ozen remembers from the pier with the blue and pink pigtails sits with her knees up to her chin, back to the rock that appears to be the only direction out.

Last but not least is the one person who actually acknowledges her presence there, “oh great, Mount Miku has arrived”

wa-was that supposed to be an insult?

“It seems another one has joined our merry band of misfits.. I’m Kottoba, welcome.”

“Name’s Ozen, what is the situation?”  

It is at this moment rock girl make her frustration known to all,  “Ughhhhhh, if I could only get up to it. I could take it out!!”

Kottoba-san continues “Where do I start? Behind the rock is a turret that keeps beaning anyone that pops their head out, bubblegum punch over there, MCR fanboy and hippie masterchef can’t do anything from here while tweedledumb is either ‘healing’ tweedledumber for trying to shield her way through or cremating her for the dumbassery.”

If those descriptions weren’t already spot on, Ozen could have used the trailing flinches that followed Kottoba-san’s explanation, at least the flinch from floor girl indicated she wasn’t dead.

Glares sent her way had Kottoba raising her hands in apology “Whoops my bad, can’t control that.” Ozen moves to take a look around the rocky outcropping “I wouldn’t do that if I were you” she hears from Kottoba in a tone totally expecting Ozen not to listen to her.

Oh yeah THWACK There it is THWACK Seems the gate THWACK is blocked THWACK can’t just THWACK walk around THWACK I’ll need THWACK their help Ozen takes the situation into consideration in her mind as pellets keep hitting her face and falling to the floor.

A low whistle comes from Kottoba “Looks like we have an actual vanguard now, unlike little miss spikey ba—“

Green hood interjects “STOP SHE’S ALREADY DEAD”

“i’m not dead.. -cough-”

Ozen nods at the display, seems the two boys have begrudgingly come to a truce as well “Let’s get going then—ghurk” a pellet goes in her mouth and has her coughing it loose, making sure to aim her face away from the turret –cough- “Let’s get going then.”

They form a line behind Ozen as she leads the way noting how the speed of the shots seem to increase as they get closer. Blocking the turret from shooting them allows the girl with pigtails, passion renewed, to punch a perfect hole through it!

The group lets out a combined cheer before their eventual mad dash for the exit, it seems someone even started to sing! Huh.. why it doesn’t sound like anyone there, who could it be? Before she could get answers her vision is plunged into darkness.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

         Consciousness comes flooding back and Ozen finds herself in another corridor with.. green lighting, this is the final level. While she wants to know what happened at the end of the last level she can’t afford to lose time thinking about it, and makes her way to the center.

There it is, the gate way is at the opposite end of the circular room she just entered, another corridor opening to this room is not far from hers. The room is devoid of life it appears, Ozen is the first one here, guess the other contestant is still in a previous level.

Making her way carefully across it seems like…

Is this really how her exam will end? Not in a bang, but a whimper?

She is already in the gate way when she hears it, the pitter pattering of footsteps of someone rushing to find out it didn’t matter they already lost. She should keep walking and finish it but her curiosity overcomes her when she hears the footsteps come to a stop leaving only the labored breathing of the individual.

She turns around and Oh it’s her, the girl from the audience that was playing with her hair, her smile now replaced with the façade of one trying to keep it together.

They just stare at each other in that moment, both of them know there is too much distance to cross so they just stare letting the whole situation sink in.

Having had her fill of the moment Ozen turns to continue down her path, she notices the small girl take a step forward before realizing there is no chance and casting her gaze downwards.

One, two, three steps in is all it takes for the stone door to come slamming down. She never realized how deafening it could be, this close to it.

. .

.

         The smaller girl jolts from the sound, maybe it’s just louder when it was your last chance. Finally looking back up she isn’t prepared for what she sees.

         One, two, three steeps in is all it takes for the stone door to come slamming down, Ozen juts her arm out to stop its descent, she never realized how deafening it could be.

The smaller girl finally looks up to see Ozen holding the stone door. Getting in a better position under it, Ozen motions to the smaller girl to come here.

It takes a minute for the smaller girl to get over her shock before shaking herself out of it and jogging over. One last look between them assures the smaller that Ozen isn’t joking and she walks under the doors.

Smaller girl safely through Ozen lets the door fall the rest of the way, and the two walk down the corridor together.

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

         Opening the door to her house Ozen is met with her sister slamming into her with a hug.

“nee-chan you’re home!!! How’d the test go? Blow it out of the water? Kick some major ass? Huh HUH??? Did you.. kill god?!?”

Plopping her hand onto Kasumi’s hair with a ruffle Ozen not rattled at all answers her sister in order, “It went fine, not really a chance to, didn’t have to fight anyone, and you know we agreed we would do that together.”

Looking up with an over the top pout Kasumi separates herself from her bigger sister and motions down the hall way “I’m glad you didn’t forget, anyways mother has dinner ready and mom is done grading so we are just waiting on you!”

A soft smile escapes from Ozen as she gets ready to go upstairs “give me a moment, have put my stuff away real quick.”

Kasumi nods about to turn around to head back into the living room when something catches her eye, “nee-chan where did you get a balloon animal?”

Looking down at the masterly crafted balloon animal then back to Kasumi, Ozen nonchalantly lets out “Oh, a friend made it for me.”

Crashing can be heard from the kitchen as “FRIEND?!” is shouted from multiple sources in the house.

[readersguidetotheuniverse]

The Midnight Library, by Matt Haig

The Book of Regrets

Ariadna: I love how the author puts them down on paper —or on video, considering Hugo’s version of the library. Regretting past decisions is part of our human nature, and most of us live in societies that, even though improving, do not give much space for vulnerability and emotional talking. I found it very interesting how writing them down and reflecting —or acting, as Nora does— on them may help us improve, be more gentle and understanding with ourselves and, in turn, with others around us. I think it is a great symbol of how our regrets weigh us down and how we can deal with them in order to raise above them and grow.

Alicia: If I had in front of me a book of everything I regret and I had the chance to change things, would I? Yes. Hundred percent yes. Cause I am a very regretful person and I have done bad things, treated people badly and just fucked up in many many ways. So if I could I would change about a million things, no doubt. However, I don't have that book. And I can't change things from the past. I can only make sure I don't make the same mistakes in the future. Having regrets is natural but also a royal pain in the ass, pardon my French. I have had sleepless nights cause I remembered that one time I embarrassed myself in front of a guy I had a crush on when I was twelve. It sucks. And I'm slowly but steadily trying to come to an agreement with myself that everyone has done things they regret and it's okay, and I just have to move on. Hopefully one day I will fully embrace this thought.

Marina: I’d like to think everybody has a Book of Regrets, be it a literal book or an imaginary one. We all have made choices that we may regret later on in life even though we thought they were the right ones at the time. The fact that Nora sees them all in writing is, comprehensively, overwhelming; I too would feel pain if I were shown all my regrets in one sitting! But otherwise, it’s a way to show the character (as time goes on in the narrative) that she can overcome them, they were the choices that made her Nora, not Nora the swimmer, not Nora the singer, just Nora. And that’s what I take away from the book: life is not pretty and we may regret some choices, but in the end it’s what makes us real and how we got to this point in our lives, even if it’s not the best of times, we will endure.

The library/videoclub store/restaurant, etc (or why it changes from person to person)

Ariadna: At first, it seemed weird that there existed other versions of the «library». Don’t get me wrong; it seems very organic to me to start reading a book or a movie and being transferred to that particular life, I understand how that plain of existence shapes itself according to the psyche of the individual to accommodate them, make them feel secure, calm, at home, in a way. It just didn’t make sense that you ate spaghetti bolognese and were transported into a life in which you’ve moved to a small village in Tuscany and worked as a photographer in a vineyard state, for the lack of a better example.

Alicia: I think it was such a smart move to have different people go through the same thing but with a different setting to fit each individual's life. It made so much sense to me. Everyone goes through different experiences and feels attached to different things, so the most logical thing would be to have a specific setting for each person according to what they feel the most connected to. I like the library the most, especially because the idea of each life being a different book for you to read is fascinating. But I couldn't help imagining an infinite Blockbuster full of movies of your other lives and I love the concept as well. Now that I think about it, mine would probably be some kind of online streaming service. An afterlife Netflix of sorts.

Marina: I found this part very beautiful. The fact that it changes from person to person to best fit their personalities. I thought about what this in-between place would look like for me but I honestly couldn’t come up with anything! There’s not a place that I associate with complete and utter happiness. I have been happy in many places and sad in many others, so to choose just one is very difficult for me. 

The ending (it cuts abruptly)

Ariadna: Suffering mental illnesses myself, the ending pissed me off. It is predictable, clichéed and plainly boring. Too “feel-good” for me. I think Matt Haig, having suffered depression too himself, could have taken the opportunity to dwell on real ways to deal with this kind of mental illnesses, instead of creating an imaginary place after commiting suicide where you are given a magical second chance (or third, or fourth, or twentieth). This is straightforwardly triggering and naive and does not give much other message than “you just wait, some day you’ll reach rock bottom and suddenly, if you don’t die, you will be awarded a magical 180 degree turn in your life and everything will be better in a split second”. I get it, he wants to highlight how seeing things from different perspectives may help, but that’s not the way to do it, not at all. I think you already got how pissed I am, so I’m leaving it here.

Alicia: The ending was pretty predictable, some parts of it. For me, at least. But still I liked it. Being a person suffering from anxiety and a bit of depression I know it's not that easy and nice and cute. But, at the end, it's a book and it's fiction and I'm not going to try to solve my life with it. What I took from all the lives and the ending is that there are always going to be regrets, no life is perfect, thinking about what could have happened doesn't help anything. Nora realizes what she wants in her life, what she misses, what she did wrong and works to fix that and be nicer to the people around her. I think it's a nice take. Realistic? Probably not. Depression is not gonna just leave. But I think it's quite optimistic and hopeful and that's not always a bad thing.

Marina: To be completely honest I expected how the book would end from pretty much the beginning. So the fact that it ends where and when it does did not surprise me much. I think Matt Haig  could have done a better job. Talking about it with Ariadna and Alicia we have come to the same conclusion: how does Nora deal with her depression? Does she all of a sudden get cured? Or does she still have mental health problems from time to time? It would have been a better ending if it addressed some of those issues but overall it was expected that it wouldn’t.

Mrs. Elm

Ariadna: We all tend to idealise people who do us good or help us in hard times, specially as children. If we are to recall them, we remember them wiser, warmer, prettier... Imho, the library version of Mrs. Elm is an idealisation of the real Mrs. Elm. Being the only supporting adult in her childhood, more specifically, when her father died, Nora considered her a reference, an idol, if you want, so her mind has idealised her like some sort of a gurú or wisewoman. I would have loved to see how, meeting her again in real life, Nora could pinpoint the differences between them and acknowledge that even her young days’ idol has flaws and is a human being like any other. In the end, we tend to love people more because they’re flawed that we would if they were perfect.

Alicia: I think we all have met someone at some point that we looked up to. That person doesn't have to be perfect, or the smartest, or the best person out there. Probably we don't even know that person fully well. But for some reason we find comfort in them, we feel safe. The Mrs Elm from the library and the real Mrs Elm are not the same person. Sometimes we create a mental picture of people that doesn't 100% match with reality, but that doesn't mean it's not true for us. Real Mrs Elm said she was a bad wife and not a good mother, she maybe wasn't the person Nora thought she was, but she was still kind to her and took care of her when she needed it the most. Everyone can make mistakes sometimes but some things can't be faked, like true kindness. Maybe it's a bit naive of me, but I think mistakes can be forgiven if the person really is pure of heart. I think these kinda people are rare. At least, I haven't found many. (Truth be told I tend to easily see the bad in people so I am not the greatest example here). I think that in my library I would find a literature professor I had in my freshman year of college. I rarely talked to him outside of class, and if I did it was barely greeting in hallways, but I admired him so much and I felt at peace when I listened to him speak. I think he would be my Mrs Elm.

Marina: The differences for me are obvious: Mrs Elm in real life is a person, just another normal human being with problems and regrets. Her library counterpart, however, is just an entity that guided Nora through her regrets and helped her “overcome” them. So, in a way, we could theorize that the Mrs Elm in the library is really Nora’s own conscience trying to help her through her mental state.

Quantum theory or the multiverse

Ariadna: I love the idea of the multiverses (who doesn’t, after the whole MCU multiverse, timeline altering mumbo jumbo), of how a single minor decision can change your life drastically. I found it somehow inspiring and terrifying at the same time. It is scary to consider the power every little decision has in your life, how it can turn your life upside down but, at the same time, it offers billions of possibilities, it encourages you to try, to get past the infamous Book of Regrets, for you never know if a «bad decision» could have turned otherwise even more awful than what you think is your life now. It’s all about perspective.

Alicia: I am completely enthralled by the concept of the multiverse and also confused as heck. I am not one for science so really specific explanations just sound like gibberish in my mind, but the idea of an infinite number of universes existing simultaneously blows my mind. I keep seeing it in movies and TV shows and I fall for it every single time. At the same time, it stresses me out a little bit. It makes me wonder what I am doing differently in those other universes, am I happier? Am I successful? What if in one universe I worked harder or wasn't as picky and I managed to get a job I truly enjoy? What if I moved to a different city like I have always wanted to? What if I wasn't as afraid of living...

Marina: I geeked out a bit, not gonna lie, when Hugo explained the whole quantum theory of the multiverse. I’d like to think there’s one Marina out there that, for example, knows how to speak perfect Chinese; or runs marathons every year  (though that would be very hard!); or dresses like a hipster or a million other things. I do believe that every choice we make turns into a different reality; but, just the same as it creates a new universe, it makes me who I am. It makes me the woman that writes about books for fun, that likes to have dinner with her friends and get a little tipsy on one cocktail or too shy to talk to anyone but will power through a public talk because she is also a bit of a badass (if I do say so myself ;P). And even though I get sad sometimes because I regret some choices I made, in the end, it brought me here and I have to believe it’s where I am meant to be. I sound way more chipper about it than I actually am sometimes… I mean, I do try to look on the bright side as often as I can!

Nora’s “perfect” life and why she didn’t choose it

Ariadna: Maybe you’ll call me spoilsport, but I think nobody gets their real “perfect” life, that it does not truly exist, because then accomplished turns out to be underwhelming. I think that’s what happened to Nora, why she couldn’t stay in that fairytale version of her life: because she was, in some way, bored. She had everything she ever wanted, therefore, she had nothing to really fight for, nothing to make her life motivating and interesting. I think, in the end, life is just the not-so-perfectly balanced mix of good and bad times, successes and failures. If all we did was win, we would end up not valuing the successes and living a bland, boring life. I think one of the main morals of this book is precisely to learn how to value good and bad times equally, to learn to find the good in the seemingly awful and the bad in the seemingly perfect to find the right in between.

Alicia: I knew quite early on that she'd end up going back to her original life, I think it was quite predictable and expected. However, that didn't stop me wishing she decided to stay in her 'perfect life' with Molly and Ash. Mostly cause I was rooting for her and that happy ending she seemed so desperate to find, and this seemed to be it. She could finally be with someone good who loved her, have a loving family, a good relationship with her brother, have a nice career in philosophy... it was just perfect, but it wasn't hers. And being honest, I also wouldn't want to live another life that wasn't mine. Even if it belongs to myself from another universe, it is still not mine to live. I rather have a life in which everything I have, I earned.

Marina: We all would love to have that “perfect” life, or what we think is a perfect life, right? To have a bigger house, a nicer car, a sexier body, or whatever you think “perfect” means. But not many people can say they actually live their perfect life. Nora gets that choice and, as I think many of us would realize,  it’s not altogether what she imagined. Yes, she gets the guy; yes, she gets a great daughter that loves her, but is she happier there than she was in her crappy apartment with her crappy job and her cat? In a way, I guess, but ultimately no. She is aware that this is not the life she created for herself, nor the life she will get to live. I feel like this would happen to all of us if we had the opportunity to live our “perfect” lives, we would get everything we wanted but at what cost? What did we sacrifice to get there? Would it be a price worth paying? As the Stones say: “You can't always get what you want / But if you try sometimes, well, you might find / You get what you need”.

[okbrendon]

all of them, bitch

Dear person I hate,

The hardest part of writing this letter is referring to you as someone that I hate when I know deep in my heart that I could never hate you, despite all the shit that you’ve done to me. A part of me will always care about you. I’ll always hold my breath whenever your name comes up in conversation. I’ll always want to know what you’re doing or how you are, but I’ll never break. Not again. I don’t know how I’d survive that heartbreak again or if I would survive it at all. I know it’s a lot to put on one person alone, but you fucked me up good and I hope you feel terrible about it. I hope that someone breaks your heart as badly as you broke mine and I hope you spend so many years thinking about what went wrong and what you did to fuck everything up in the same way that I did. I hope you find someone who accepts you for the fucked up piece of shit that you are and loves you regardless, just to have them walk out on you too. I hope you find yourself unable to love and trust again because you’ve now had your heart broken by two people who you thought were supposed to stay by your side until the end. I hope it hurts because then you’ll finally feel everything that I’ve felt since you left in Cape Town. All the nights you told me that we’d get through this craziness together were lies. All the late-night conversations about out future together were only for your sick entertainment and not because you genuinely ever wanted any of that with me. You loved knowing that my world revolved around you and you had no problem with leaving when you got the chance. In hindsight, I see all of that very clearly, but I hate that I can never take back all of the years that I wasted on you. You will never ever get to me again.

Dear person I like,

Like seems like too light of a word, but I also don’t know what word it is that would be a better fit. God, I like you. I like you so much, it’s scary. I enjoy your presence so much and every time you aren’t around, I want you there. I crave you when you’re away and I hate when you have to leave. Opening up to you has been difficult. There’s so much more that you don’t know that I know we’ll eventually have to get to if I want to keep you in my life, even though I don’t want you to know any of it. I value your opinion of me too much and the thought of you leaving too is too much for me to handle. You deserve full openness and honesty, and I’m going to do my best to give it to you. But I hope that you’ll be patient with me and understand how hard all of this is for me. Navigating this life and new way of living with you has been a dream and you just don’t know how lucky and fortunate I feel that you’re giving me the time of day every day. Your soul is far too genuine and sweet to be mixed up with mine, and there aren’t enough words to express how thankful I am that you’re choosing to put up with me, despite my many flaws.

Dear ex-boyfriend,

I can’t really even call you an ex because we never got to that point. Just know that I would have dropped everything for you so many years ago, but not anymore. You don’t have that power anymore and you never will again.

Dear ex best friend,

Hey dude. I guess that little band that we started together ended up getting pretty successful, huh? Get over your fucking ego and maybe we could try being friends again, yeah? No hard feelings here, bro.

Dear best friend,

I hope you know how much I love you. I know I don’t tell you that enough and I know you worry a lot about every last conversation we have being the last one we’ll ever have. You are one of the the very few people I’m trying to get better for, but I know that you more than anyone else understand it’s not an easy feat. Thank you for stepping in whenever you needed to, especially in those moments that I didn’t want you to because in the end everything worked out because of you. I fucking love you, Ash. I can honestly say I wouldn’t have gotten through these last few years without you constantly kicking my ass and giving me shit for all the stupid actions and impulses that always get me in trouble. I hope you’re aware that you’re stuck with me forever, and yes — I do mean forever, as in the end of time. You can rest assured that I don’t intend on ever leaving you and even though I know you’ll always be worried about me, please try to worry a little less. Enjoy your life. Enjoy that gorgeous girl you’re spending all your time with. Give her attention and give her love because when you give it, you’ll receive it. I know you’ve had a hard time with people fucking around with your emotions, but I really think you have a good one here. Don’t be afraid to take that shot, kid.

Dear *anyone*,

Man, I love you. Out of all the people who have just come and gone, you’re the one person I don’t resent out of all of them. I respect you for the decision that you made because it was what you had to do for your own well-being. I’m glad you got the help that you needed and I’m so happy that you found your forever and are so happy, You’re an inspiration to me, man. We both started up in this crazy world together, but you’re the one who recognized you needed to put a stop to what was going on and take care of yourself. I’m not sure I’d have the willpower to do the same thing. I love you, bro. I’ll talk to you soon.

Dear Santa,

My man. My guy. My dude. We’re running out of weed over here and we’re in the middle of a fuckin’ pandemic, bro. Can you come a little bit early and come drop some off for us, please? I promise I’ve been naughty all year, but there’s always next year to start over and I won’t let you down.

Dear mom,

Hey mom. Writing this letter is the hardest of all of them, honestly. Mostly because I just don’t know what to say to you. I don’t know how to talk to you or dad normally because what’s there to talk about? Small talk has never been my thing and we can fake a relationship all that we want when we’re together but I really just don’t have a lot to say. I hope you’re taking care of yourself. Stay safe.

Dear dad,

I was a pain in the ass since the day I was born. You never really let me forget it. I’m nothing like you would have expected your son to turn out like. You did your best raising me and I don’t blame you either of you at all for how I turned out. I hope that one day I’ll make you two proud.

Dear future me,

Damn dude, you’ve lived quite a life. You didn’t get through it scratch-free, but you had a lot of fun and grew so much along the way. Keep on living, just lay off on the drugs a bit more so you can actually see the rest of your life happen.

Dear past me,

All of your dreams are going to come true. I know it’s hard to believe right now. You’re stuck in Vegas with your parents and everyone around you trying to shove scripture down your throat. It seems like the worst thing to you now, but you’re going to endure so much more. I don’t tell you that to scare you, but you prepare you. I wasn’t prepared at all and I don’t want to give the impression that my life is horrible because of everything I’ve been through (because it isn’t), but a little warning sign would have been great. You’re going to fall in love with your best friend and he’s going to break your heart more than once. But don’t let that moment define you. You are so much more than the people who broke your heart. Remember to not build up walls that are too high for you to break down, because you will end up suffering emotionally if you so. Live your life, but be careful. Some of the bullshit mom and dad spew out is really just bullshit, but sometimes not giving in to temptation will work in your favor. I wouldn’t know because I never lived like that. You’re gonna be okay, though. Even if you do everything wrong and fuck everything up, you’ll be alright. I promise.

Dear person I’m jealous of,

I don’t even know you but I know that you will eventually exist. You need to take care of our girl and make sure you appreciate her because she is quite possibly the best person on this planet. She is so forgiving, almost to a fault. If you break her fucking heart, I’m definitely going to have something to say about it.

Dear person I had a crush on,

Oh Brooke. Those nights in Vegas really are some of my fondest memories. Even though you have the personality of a stale piece of bread, you were always a good fuck. I know you’d say the same shit about me, too. If you ever find yourself in LA, do both of us a favor and don’t bother hitting me up. There’s no need for us to go down that path again.

Dear girlfriend,

A girlfriend? What’s that? Never heard of it.

Dear ex-wife,

I think bout you every single day. I wonder what you’re doing, who you’re seeing, and how life is going for you. We don’t talk anymore, but I wish we did. I know most of our conversations would end up in an argument these days anyway. I’m still angry at you. I haven’t gotten to the point where I fully understand why you left, but I’m sure I will one day. All I know is that it was a pretty shitty thing to do. I obviously can’t blame the choices that I’ve made on you, but leaving someone while they’re going through some shit because you think it’ll make them better? Maybe wasn’t your smartest idea. But you did what you had to do, I guess, even if it did go against everything you ever told me. You said you wouldn’t leave, but I guess I should have known better than to believe. I opened up to you the most. You knew every single detail about me, and now you’re gone and you took all of my secrets with you. I haven’t heard from you at all since you left, but I don’t think that’s my fault. Of course I want to talk to you and catch up, but I just don’t think you’d want to hear from me. It’s been an entire fucking year. Did you know that? Have you been counting the days the same way that I have? Probably not, since I’m the crazy one. What’s actually crazy is that on the day that we got married, I never expected you to turn into someone I never heard from again. But hey, I’m around if you ever want to talk. Regardless of our differences, I’ll always love you. I’m never going to be in-love with you ever again, though. It’s weird. Those feelings of love I had for you are coming up again, but they aren’t for you. I am in love with someone, but it isn’t you. And I never thought I’d feel that again after you. But it feels good.

[scenessystem]

Travelling and triggers

The Pat Down in the TSA line (I have to have the full-on due to not being able to be scanned.)

They touch the pelvis/groin area, chest, hips, stomach etc. It’s so upsetting they let women do it which helped but it made my skin crawl and made me feel sick. I dissociated the first time and then the second I was thrown into hypervigilance. 

Flying effects my lungs/blood pressure was painful on it’s own but not being able to breathe just always gives me panic of flashbacks. It sucked so much. 

I was thrown into sensory overload on the planes and then later when i was playing sled-hockey (which i was travelling for). And i had to hang on to being present and not burst into tears after the games. During one game i actually dissociated not sure what happened but the muscle memory made sure i didn’t actually fuck up bad. 

I actually did cry after a game when i had spent most of my spoons and my brain was on high alert and in pain. 

I had to be social, it was nice to some extent as having interaction w/ other people not related to me was great. I really enjoy some of my teammates though as the youngest member of the team i am the baby of the team again. (Our club has kids but not the team). And i can tell they all see me as kids. 

Our coach actually though we were 7 years younger then the body is. He also thought we were unable to talk because i was silent for a long time. For Alex it the anxiety and fear but for me a lot of it was learning team dynamics and how to best be respectful and not end up on the wrong side.

This tam is exceedingly casual and it is really had. We say yes sir, no sir, jump and being yelled at, call people Mister or at least coach and that isn’t how it works and it’s so odd to me. Like the way people just insult people who have that power of them is hinky to me. I mean we’ve never been overly formal with the family but any strangers yes. And When alex is fronting she wants to bad to do exactly as they say but the auditory processing, executive dysfunction and just background noise makes it so hard. 

Talking to others was again legit good hard and draining but good. Comfortable enough to joke around a little bit and be honest. I hate feeling like i’m testing boundaries. 

Also did the best to stay away from controversy. Really the only ones being football players don’t know how to tackle right and the cities around where we live are not real cities. 

Had to endure more than one political conversation with my mouth shut to avoid that whole mess and let mentions of homosexuality pass without speaking of out own non-straigthness. It hurt me a bit but we were around rich white people a group with notoriously shitty views. 

ost of them get chronic illness stuff so that topic wasn’t off but the few times some C-PTSD related comments surfaced i got some looks but not to bad. 

Oh wow there as more than once time people made a i have “multiple personality” jokes. Some of it was referring to the sport but not all of them and it was all banking on “ooh scary” the same way the referenced bipolar too as a joke. WHich is the worst 

But the theory that if your best friend and you aren’t a little gay to each other it’s not a real best friend. My two coaches are really close and just they got that my bff is my spouse vibe. 

[awinchestershell]

Dear people,

I consider myself a very lucky person. I've gone to many concerts and conventions in my life. Mostly because my dad likes to bribe me with cool events. And at these concerts and conventions I've met more celebrities and YouTubers than I care to count. Some examples being Maroon 5 and Markiplier.

Meeting celebrities is something that any human being that isn't slightly psychotic has dreamt of at least once every month. I myself am only 1% psychotic so of course I dream of it a lot. About a wide variety of people. The most common one being Markiplier. I spent 3 years daydreaming of the day I could finally hug Mark.

Then, my world imploded. June 24th, 2017 I attended a convention called VidCon for the second time. At this convention, I finally met Mark! It was great. My hands were shaking, I couldn't stop crying, and when it was over I was fairly sure I was going to pass out.

This is basically a summary of every Meet and Greet I've done. I cry, I shake, I sometimes faint. I can't even really explain why this happens. I like to think it's because I love them so much that my brain can't physically comprehend it.

The thing about meeting celebrities is it's bloody terrifying! I spend the month leading up to it having anxiety issues, because what if trip? What if I say something stupid? What if I THROW UP???

And right now I'm going through all of this all over again. You see, next month, or more specifically in 18 days, I get to meet Dan and Phil. If you don't recognize those names, get on that shit right now man. They're the funniest people in the world.

But back to my point. I am absolutely petrified. I want to approach it with joy and excitement because I'm so lucky to have this opportunity, but unfortunately my social anxiety and desperate need to be accepted is killing the mood a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I am excited. But I'm more scared. I'm working through this with my therapist at the moment, and it's not helping at all.

When you meet your favorite celebrities, a common theme among the fan is wanting said celebrity to like them. You want them to like you, to accept you, to think you're funny. I get that to an unhealthy degree. I sit in the shower and plan out my meetup conversation word for word. However, this is impossible to truly plan because I have no idea how Dan or Phil will react to what I say. So I can't anticipate any of the conversation past my first sentence.

I'd like to think that I'll be calm and collected, but we can all be pretty sure that's not true. At all. Going off of past examples, I'm gonna fucking cry my eyes out. Which I suppose isn't that traumatizing or embarrassing. It could be at lot worse. I could just pass the fuck out in their arms. However, even as I type this, my breathing is getting erratic.

I thought I'd take a moment to remind anyone who doesn't know, that at this convention I am also meeting Thomas Sanders and The Try Guys. But, for some reason those two aren't freaking me out. I don't know what it is about Dan and Phil that freaks me out so much, but when I think about being in their presence I seem to stop breathing.

This has all been a really long and complicated way to say that I have social anxiety.

The thing is though, that I want to hang out with humans, and make friends, and have conversations because I am a very lonely person. But, something in my brain just won't let me do it. I get really fricking scared at the concept of hanging out with new people. And when we take that and apply it to celebrities?? My brain just starts shaking like a damn chihuahua.

I wish that I could approach celebrities with the same chill attitude I approach strangers on the bus, but I'm just not capable of it. I know that they are only humans, but they're very special humans. And they hold a lot of power. When I met Maroon 5 I was 10 years old, and I was tempted to bow down to them, and at 10 years old I didn't even know who the hell they were. That is how much celebrities affect me.

Dealing with social anxiety is really complicated and difficult. But every now and then you can just suffer the fuck through it and go out and do that social thing anyway. I've spent 99% of my life in my bed because the outside world was simply too terrifying to endure. So I didn't. Which is a totally stupid way to go through life. But I still do it. Because I'm stupid. We already knew that though.

See, I hate hiding away in my room. But my room is safe. So I never leave unless I have to. Which, like I said, is stupid. And I've been working on it my whole life. But to re-wrap this back into the celebrity thing, why do I get so scared?

I think it's because I so desperately want them to like me. But that seems silly when I step back and look at it. If I were a celebrity, i'd like to think I'd like every fan I met. That it'd be really hard for them to upset me or give me anything to dislike. And I'm sure most celebrities DO like all their fans. Unless I specifically say something rude or disrespectful, there's no reason for them not to like me. Even if I trip, or maybe I say the wrong word, they'll probably just find it endearing.

Me being convinced that they'll hate me no matter what relates back to something different.

Self hatred.

See, if I don't like myself, how can I possibly assume that Dan and Phil will like me? I find myself irritating and ugly. So of course my natural assumption is that Dan and Phil will find me irritating and ugly. I can't fathom someone thinking I'm funny. Or pretty. That's just ridiculous. I mean obviously everything is subjective. Something I find annoying, my sister might think is the funniest thing she's ever heard. Someone I find beautiful, she might find ugly and gross.

Here's an example. Harry Styles. I think Harry Styles is one of the most handsome men on Earth at the moment. But my sister, Hannah, thinks he's ugly. (Btw fuck you Hannah he's gorgeous) You may know the common quote, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." That's what I'm talking about.

It's highly possible, if not probable, that Dan and Phil will find me endearing and funny. Because I'm very biased. I've never met a person that didn't hate themselves. So it's not surprising that I'm one of those people.

The point of this post is to say that social anxiety and self hatred are shitty. And they can be scary and hard to deal with. But we can't let them hold us back. I refuse to let my anxiety stop me from doing something I've wanted to do for four years.

So I guess what I'm trying to say, is that despite our struggles, we have to work through them so we can live life the way we're supposed to. Happy, and outside our homes.

Sincerely,

B

[grimelords]

Two days after I said I’d upload it tonight, here it is! My October playlist is finished and it’s chock a block full of good music and also bad music that I love. From John Mellencamp to drone metal, from Katy B to Cassius, it’s all here and more. Deadmau5 also is here and for that I apologise.

Small Town (Acoustic) - John Mellencamp: Guess who had a legit emotional reaction to a John Mellencamp song this month, thinking deeply about what it means to be from a small town and how much this song gets right and wrong about identity and freedom in a small town versus living in a big town? This guy. I think this song works a lot better stripped down acoustically than it does in the album version. It gives the lyrics a lot more space, and really lays out just how simple the sentiment of the song is. It sets the tone of this month's playlist pretty well now that I think about it. I've been feeling like a real pea-brain hayseed this month and big chunks of this playlist really reflect that.

Katy On A Mission - Katy B: It feels like this and Hold It Against Me by Britney Spears (which was also 2011) is the moment that big american style dubstep completely crossed over into the mainstream, Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites was about six months ago and from there it was a tidal wave until oversaturation and complete death. But Katy On A Mission is different because it's at least got the credentials of dubstep pioneer Benga producing it and it doesn't go all-out on the super dirty bass, or even particularly have a big drop at all - it just uses it textually all the way through and it's better off for it.

I Only Have Eyes For You - The Flamingos: The way this song is recorded is insane. It literally sounds like they're at the bottom of a well. And it's mixed in that good early stereo hard-panned style so the lead is in the right channel and the whole harmony is in the left channel and absolutely soaked in reverb in a way that just sounds incongruous with the rest of the song. It sounds like a dream. My favourite moment is at about 2:30 when the harmony vocals get so large on the high note that they clip out and distort in a way that just sounds very, very cool.

Horses In The Sky (Live Version) - The Sound Of Animals Fighting: The Sound Of Animals Fighting was a post-hardcore prog supergroup where they were all anonymous (it was just the entirety of RX Bandits plus Anthony Green from Circa Survive) and I really wish they'd done more like this after their first album - because they still wrote very very good songs but they got lost in the mire of studio ambient interludes and being avant-garde for the sake of it which sometimes worked and most times just bored you which thankfully they only succumb in the end section of this version. Compare this to the studio version if you want to know what I mean, halfway through the guitar solo it just starts playing in reverse.

Split Wide Open - Cannibal Corpse: Here's what I mean about feeling like a pea-brain this month. Cannibal Corpse is proper troglodyte moron man music. It makes me feel dumb as fuck like a real stupid guy. There's something interesting about Cannibal Corpse's enduring ability to shock people, and that a band making such extreme music are at least a name that people know. They were in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective for god's sake. Before Marilyn Manson and that wave of cabaret shock-rock really got into the popular consciousness Cannibal Corpse were making shocking, violent music without any of the glamour and I think it's served them well in the long run. Songs like 'Hammer Smashed Face' or 'I Cum Blood', are shocking in title, artwork and content to this day are still musically shocking to the vast majority, far more than Marilyn Manson's spooky androgyny and wearing like a top hat and having fangs or whatever that's aged like milk and become just another boring cliche. The idea of the devil being charming and sly, disguised in charisma is so much more boring than the devil just tearing you apart like mince meat and eating you. Anyway I'm here to say Cannibal Corpse is good music for dum-dums like me.

Funeraloplis - Electric Wizard: Someone's edited it now but it's still in the footnote links, but the best ever piece of writing on wikipedia was the quote on Electric Wizard's page where they were explaining the origin of their name because it said "Is the name Electric Wizard made out of two Black Sabbath song titles? [smokes a big bud of weed through a can] Hahahaha, yeah it is!" which is so good and sort of all you need to know about them.

I <3 U So - Cassius: Looking back through this list it seems I'm having a real 2011 moment for some reason. I don't think I *get* Cassius. From everything I read about them they seem to be french dance royalty but they literally have two good songs and they're both in this playlist. These two songs are very good though so maybe it's just that. Anyway it's a shame what Kanye did this to song on Watch The Throne but I don't blame him, it feels like this song is just impossible to work with. It's at a weird tempo, it's incredible loose, it basically has one section. I imagine this song would have frustrated a lot of DJs when it was popular cause I really don't know how you would mix in or out of it, but fuck it while it's on it's a great song!

Youth, Speed, Trouble, Cigarettes - Cassius: This is the other good Cassius song. I'm pitching it as the theme song for when they eventually reboot Skins. I really appreciate that this song has 1 idea and basically just does every variation it can with it before bringing it to a climax. When your idea is this simple and this good that's all you need. Also the big toms that kick in after the 'just one more' but are heaven sent.

It Took The Night To Believe - Sun 0))): Sun 0))) are such morons and it's so funny that you can be so dumb and so serious about this sort of music at the same time. On this song Greg Anderson is credited as Mystik Fogg Invokator and Stephen O'Malely is credited as Taoiseach, which is the name for the Irish prime minister. Whenever I listen to Sun 0))) for the first two minutes I'm like 'lol this sucks' but then suddenly the guy is like 'cry yourself to ash' and I'm feeling the pull of the void quite heavily. Basically it's just like that meme.

Seven Angels - Earth: I remember ages ago some guy posted Earth 2: Special High Frequency edition and it was just this whole album with a high pass filter on it which is a funny joke. Anyway it interesting to think of this album in the context of when it came out. Two years after Nevermind, six months before In Utero - grunge at the absolute height of its power, stoner metal like Kyuss and Sleep huge when suddenly this guy comes out of nowhere and distills guitar music down to its essence: slower, louder, heavier than anything else by an order of magnitude.

Mutual Slump - DJ Shadow: I finally saw Xanadu this month and now I can finally relate to the weird smiling breathing out your nose noise that she makes after she says 'I'd never hailed a cab before' in this song.

Walkin' On The Sidewalks - Queens Of The Stone Age: Queens Of The Stone Age's first album is 20 years old this year and I've been thinking a lot about how it was a two person operation. Josh Homme played and sang everything on this album except the drums and it's funny to think about writing this sort of music all by yourself outside of a jam structure. He really sat down with a pad and paper and wrote down 'outro: bass riff x400' and then recorded it just like that.

Witch - Maps & Atlases: I wake up with this song in my head so often it's insane. I think a triplet groove in 4/4 like this is such a good and underused feeling and this song really deploys is perfectly. I want more of this, the good kind of math rock where it's not just guys doing midwest emo tappy riffs that all sound the same.

Down 2 Hang - Kirin J Callinan: This is what meeting up with people from the internet feels like. It's kind of a shame that this album got completely overshadowed by the Jimmy Barnes screaming meme, and that it's the first and last a lot of americans will ever hear of Jimmy Barnes but in reality it's exactly what Kirin J Callinan wanted to good for him I suppose.

Fast In My Car - Paramore: If you can't tell already I'm having an extremely basic bitch moron man month and that included listening to this Paramore album a lot and telling my girlfriend about how isn't it so interesting that the guitarist Taylor York just took over drum duties for this album after their longtime drummer quit and did such a good job playing drums AND guitar and her rightly not caring at all. I'm always impressed by songs that keep the same chords through the verse and chorus, it seems impossible but it works great here.

Don't Stop The Dance (feat. Delafleur) - Breakbot: I'm clapping my hands to stress each syllable when I tell you that Disco Will Never Die.

Oqiton - Jeremy Dutcher: I'm so glad this album won the Polaris Prize because I feel like I would never have heard of it otherwise. I absolutely love it, and I think what I love so much about it is that it doesn't fall into the trap of similar projects like this in the past of smoothing out all the jagged edges and turning it into plastic pretty music from the untouched ancient peoples - it's a real and alive reinterpretation of old music that looks toward the future and past in equal measure. Including the actual original recordings in each track is such a smart move, it gives you the context you need so this album isn't about liner notes and extra sources and it lets those old recordings seamlessly fold into these new reorchestrations.

I Remember - Deadmau5 & Kaskade: Anyway moron month continues here with the only worthwhile contribution to the planet earth that Deadmau5 ever made, I suspect by letting Kaskade do most of the work. It sounds sadistic but I really appreciate how this song is nearly ten minutes long, I'm a big fan of any song with that much confidence that actually pulls it off.

Overtime - Jessie Ware: Fucking Jessie Ware is back and she’s got Bicep producing! I think I added this song to my playlist before it was even a minute in, I just heard the bassline and my brain stem said yes.

Body - Julie Jacklin: I really think Julia Jacklin might be the best songwriter around right now and I cannot wait for her new album. I guess this keeps with the moron man theme by telling it from the other side. I keep listening to this song and then getting into a real mood for about an hour afterwards so I can't imagine the damage the album is going to do to me.

Can't Tell Me Nothing - Kanye West: Throughout the whole ongoing Kanye drama I've been thinking of this song. " I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny, and what I do? Act more stupidly" "I'm on TV talking like it's just you and me". Anyway he's had is money right for a long time but it's becoming increasingly apparent that you really really can't tell him nothing. I think it's interesting that the thing that seems to have spurred him into clarifying his beliefs and finally backtracking on anything is that Candace Owens tried to credit him for the shitty Blexit thing and it turns out the one thing you can't do to Kanye West is manipulate him into putting his name on something he doesn't believe in or didn't create. It's insane that John Legend and Mos Def and Talib Kweli reaching out didn't change anything but Candace Owens taking one too many liberties absolutely did.

Like Wolves On The Fold - Colin Stetson: I've said it one million times but I love Colin Stetson. I love how straightforward this is for a Colin Stetson song. You can sing along to it! So much writing about him focuses on the intricasies of his technique rather than his resulting very human, very primal music. I feel like his music is not very far from beating on your chest and yelling a lot of the time (especially toward the second half of this song) and the saxophone element just makes it a lot more socially acceptable.

Sack 'Em Up, Pt. I / Sack 'Em Up, Pt. II - Gwenifer Raymond: Bandcamp had a really good article about American Primitive the other day https://daily.bandcamp.com/2018/10/10/american-primitive-list/ and I found this album in it and fell completely in love instantly. I listened to it five times in a row. It's just incredible and I'm so glad that the music I love is finally being rescued from the mire of New Acoustic youtube men with their slapping and tapping and harp guitars and moving forward in new ways with artists like Sarah Louise, Marisa Anderson and Gwenifer Raymond. Women are finally allowed to play guitar now and thank fuck. One of the things I really appreciate about this album is just how written it feels. Every part, even the very swirly Part One of this song feels very purposeful, and if not totally written at least improvised in a tight framework before moving into the completely written second half. There's nothing wrong with improv but in a genre like this that's almost overrun with guys putting out hour long improv records it's refreshing to hear someone with such a clear vision execute it so expertly.

Bleeding Finger Blues - Gwenifer Raymond: Also, get a fucking load of this. An absolute powerhouse performance from a master. There's not enough solo banjo music around and it's a shame because I don't know if there's a better argument for banjo as a solo instrument than this song. The other thing I like about this album is there’s three banjo songs on it, which works well for breaking up the sequencing and making each song really distinct in a genre where albums can really blend together.

4:30 - Danger: It's a shame that Danger never really fulfilled his potential. With songs as good as this as 19:11 he seemed set. But then he took about a decade off before his debut album and I guess he lost something along the way. Anyway, doesn't matter because when you've got a song as good as this it's all you need. Also here's a good video where someone just put this song over the bar scene from Terminator which really accentuates the vibe in my opinion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z37R39-mff8

Crybaby - Abra: I love love love the production on this. A friend sent it to me because he said it reminded him of the Call Me Mr Telephone song I was raving about and he’s absolutely right. I love how formless it is, it goes through about three different verse ideas before finally getting to the chorus at about a minute and a half in and it’s only stronger for it. I’m so glad a new generation of darkwave adjacent people are discovering freestyle because this is great.

OMG!!! - Yelle: This song is probably best experienced with the music video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoWK4rV3INY It’s fantastic on its own, especially the “oh my god!” sample and the whole chorus section, but the video - titties out, covered in glitter, very very good dance move for the rising 'ooo' part, a hamster is there. Really accentuates it.

Copacabana (At The Copa) - Barry Manilow: Was thinking about this song the other day. Woke up with it in my head actually which was strange. I feel like this song and the Pina Colada song definitely take place in the same cinematic universe.

King Of The Dead - Cirith Ungol: I've been rereading Lord Of The Rings and also a very dodgy 70s sci-fi series called Dray Prescot and so divine fate has drawn me to discover Cirith Ungol. The good kind of metal where all the album covers could also be fantasy novel covers and all the songs are about how cool it would be to slay an ancient demon with a sword. I love this song because it feels impossible to sing it without doing some very dramatic face acting and also his voice is completely insane. I feel like this is maybe just how he talks.

Sugaree 10/21/1978 - Grateful Dead: Grateful Dead are good and ever since I came to terms with that I've felt like I'm always on the precipice of buying a box of tapes, covering my car in confusing stickers and dropping completely out of society. The problem with a big chunk of live Dead recordings that I've heard is that while the playing is always on point, the vocals can vary wildly - especially when they try any kind of harmony, but this recording is just great. Fantastic vocals with a lot of feeling, ample crowd noise so it doesn't feel like just a sterile soundboard recording, and of course an incredible extended jam.

Ring De Bell - Brother Resistance: I don't fully understand what rapso music is yet, I don't have enough understanding of the culture or surrounding genres. I basically just found this Best Of compilation and have been listening to it a LOT. As I understand it it's 70s Trinidadian calypso music that got very political, which is very cool. I'm a big fan of this sort of lyric where it feels like you could just go on and on for days about all the places you should ring the bell.

Kojack - David Rudder: The crown jewel of this compilation is of course this song I've posted about before and absolutely love to death. A protest song about them taking Kojack off the TV because it's too violent when shows like Dallas and Dynasty, which are far worse, remain on the air. Miami Vice! Before youtube comments and online petitions you had to make extremely good songs about this kind of thing, and its a huge shame that we've allowed this to die.

The Power Of Love - Celine Dion: I love Celine Dion because all her songs sound like they were recorded across 5 countries and 8 different studios and cost two million dollars. They always sound too expensive for casual listening to me, like I should have an emergency mink coat on me at all times just in case The Power Of Love starts playing in a supermarket.

Airworks - J Dilla: I've been listening to Donuts a bunch this month and really thinking about what makes him so good and the vast legion of Dilla imitators on soundcloud bad and I think this song is a good example. The main sample sounds straight up ugly, it's backwards and twisted to hell, the main strings part keeps folding over itself, it's just chaos but completely controlled chaos. Every imitator is so afraid to make a total mess like he does and is too focused on the underpinning laid-backness of the beat, where Dila somehow makes the relaxed feeling easily as a result of a million clashing elements.

Anti-American Graffiti - J Dilla: I also found a playlist on Spotify where someone had put together Donuts with all of the the original tracks it sampled (or at least the ones that are available on Spotify) and it's such an illuminating new way to listen to this album. https://open.spotify.com/user/keatonkreps/playlist/1TPeWt38uceWXD1Vhyf7wx?si=NJ_jHrYqQpCt18q-W9nrag

Marvel - Solillaquists Of Sound: Every genre has good music in it. Even rappity rap conscious hip hop has good songs like this one. There’s another song on this album called Popcorn that’s basically the It’s Media picture converted to a .wav but this song is good. Especially her vocals when they come in halfway through sounding like an astrology zine except good.

Rock Island Line - Johnny Cash: Johnny Cash has around one million songs about trains, including ‘Blue Train’, ‘Train Of Love’ and a song called ‘I’ve Got A Thing About Trains’ but this is the best one because it’s about train-related fraud and doing perhaps the most outlaw country manoeuvre ever and telling the toll man that you’re carrying livestock when you are in fact carrying pig iron.

I <3 U So (Skream's Made Zdar Feel Like He Was 20 Again Remix) - Cassius: Also as a kind of coda, here's Skream's version of I <3 U So, where he's completely ironed it out and turned it into a pulsing dnb thing which is always impressive to me when people completely reverse the feel of a song in a remix.

Worms Of The Senses / Faculties Of The Skull - Refused: Stereogum had a really good article about The Shape Of Punk To Come on its 20th anniversary and whether it really did turn out to be the shape of punk to come. They asked a bunch of people whether the title seemed arrogant and the vocalist from La Dispute had a really good answer where he said "But it’s like calling your shot and then fuckin’ hitting a home run. If it was arrogant, it was justifiably so." which is so great. https://www.stereogum.com/2020358/refused-shape-of-punk-to-come-turns-20/franchises/sounding-board/​

listen here

[speaksfish]

                                  Arthur Curry : An Overview.

BASICS.

Given / Birth Name : Arthur Curry  Nickname / Preferred Name : Arthur  Alias(es) : Aquaman, King of Atlantis  Birthdate / Age : January 29th / Thirty - Nine  Place of Birth : Amnesty Bay, Maine  Current Location : Atlantis Gender Identity : Cis Male Sexual / Romantic Orientation : A bi boy through and through.   Ethnicity / Race / Cultural Heritage: Hawaiian (Polynesian) && Atlantean  Marital Status : Married Occupation : Monarch. An uncomfortable one.   Religious Beliefs : Polytheist / Spiritual in a sense. He claims to have seen enough to know one entity isn’t ( nor could ever be ) responsible for it all. So he chooses to believe that these greater forces move within us to affect our lives. Sometimes it’s for the better, often it’s to challenge us, make us move, inspire once unwilling growth. As far as naming these forces, Arthur has none, only a gut telling him there are various hands at play here and all are fighting for the steering wheel. Except Poseidon. Poseidon and his kin, in the wise words of Arthur Curry, can fuck right off.

CHARACTERISTICS.

Height : 6′4 Weight : Somewhere in the ballpark of 300 lbs.  Body Type / Build : Athletic / Strongman build. He’s pretty par for course as far as merging Atlantean and Humans go. Go team Humanoids.   Eye Color : It’s the new dress meme. Are they gold and white, are they blue and black ?? Just kidding, they’re blue.   Hair Color / Texture : A brunette with sun-bleached highlights. His hair may appear soft but it is not, it’s rough and more often than not covered in salt ( and other less favorable sea ) particles. Someone introduce a good cleansing shampoo to this beach waved boy. He once walked out onto a seafaring dock with a damn crab clipping his hair up.   Recognizable Features / Scars : His most notable scar is the one through his eyebrow. Got it during the first real scuffle between himself and Black Manta 2.0. The tattoos across his arms, shoulders, back and torso are also important to him. They’re what connect him to his polynesian routes, as tattoos were what they considered “all the armor one warrior needs”. Each design is also an attribute to the oceans more formidable marine life. Triangles ( both negative space and not ) representing the tooth of a shark while arrows represent the tails of manta rays or swordfish or the fins of whales ( etc ).   Speech Patterns / Accent : Arthur uses an incredible amount of colloquialism in his speech dating to the 90′s. He had a speaking inflection typical of east coast accents, however it’s not as noticeable with age. ( When speaking Atlantean it’s very clear that he has it. )   Languages Spoken : English and Atlantean prior to becoming a king. All languages afterward, one of the perks to his gig.  Powers / Skills / Abilities : Besides being able to powerlift your heart into the new year? He’s strong. It’s a vague area because he has overextended himself in the past, but the guy can throw nuclear subs and war ships at very specific targets and that’s nothing to bat a lash at. He has sonar capabilities and scary good hearing ( yet Bruce still scares the absolute piss out of him by sneaking around ). Atlantean physiology means withstanding great amounts of pressure, seeing in the dark, quicker than average healing times, longer strides, quicker reflexes and higher endurance. Abilities that are his own small mutations include marine ( and life that originates from the ocean, but weaker ) telepathy, resistance to telepaths, and is a fast swimmer. Crazy fast.    Overall Health : Average? 

RELATIONSHIPS.

Order of Birth : Eldest  Number of Siblings : 2, technically.  Father’s Status + Relationship : Tom Curry, retired. Tom Curry moved to Maine after a volcano covered roughly half of his family farm land in Hawaii. He used the money from that property to buy a worn down lighthouse, taking up a job as a fisherman shortly after to begin the process of making that his family home. He retired at the age of sixty but still manages the lighthouse during stormy weathers, as well as takes care of Arthur’s dog whenever his son is underseas for prolonged periods of time. Notable fact: he can drink Arthur under the table, but his father (Arthur’s grandfather) would call them both weak guts. Mother’s Status + Relationship : Queen Atlanna, deceased.  Sibling Status + Relationship : Orm, half - brother. Pain in the tattooed butt. Tula, step - sister. Favorite non - biological sibling.   Loyalty / Affiliation : Atlantis.

PERSONALITY.

MBTI : ENFJ Hobbies : Whittling. When alone he tends to need something in his hands that’ll occupy his time, that turned into wood / bone work. He’s an avid connoisseur of good stouts.   Bad Habits : A picky eater.  Three Positive Traits : Arthur is first and foremost a humbled person. He understands where he lacks expertise and can admit to faults of his rather effortlessly. It’s been criticized ( specifically by Orm ) in the past as ‘ showing weakness ’ but he disagrees fullheartedly. To claim you know everything about everything is foolish and irresponsible, so he relies heavily on the council of those close to him  or experts ) to help bridge the gaps in his understanding. And it’s perhaps why, more often than not, he feels in over his head and incapable of ruling / seduced by the simpler times.  Another trait that stands heads above the rest ----- Arthur is KIND. One could theorize that it was his mixed heritage ( growing up severely bullied as a result of being ... alive ) to push him into a softer approach when hardships hit, but ultimately he was always this way. Looks are deceiving, and it’s certainly true he will not allow others to test his threshold, but if there’s any choice present : he chooses to be kind.  Dad jokes are his jam. He may not be a pro at this ‘hero bantering’ thing, but he’s great at belly - laughing at his own dumb humor. 

Three Negative Traits : He only has a set scale of annoyances he can tolerate before seeing red. That scale varies by contributing factors throughout the day. I had this under a form of introversion, because he absolutely gets his energy in solitude and tires out in social situations, but a tricky sub genre of the personality type. Introversion on its own is NOT a negative trait, his can make him abrasive, rude, and standoffish unexpectedly. Arthur can be rather impulsive at times. He doesn’t always think his actions through, just battering rams it and hopes for the best. It gets on Mera’s nerves, he finds inaction oftentimes more dangerous.  The dad jokes ------- Moral Alignment : Neutral Good.

ASSOCIATIONS.

One Song :  Atlantis - Bridgit Mendler  One Quote / Piece of Art : This vine / Ships in the Stormy Sea One Fear : Losing his humanity. One Strength : Empathy. One Object : Trident of Neptune.  One Place : Neptune’s Grotto.  One Food : Coconut. One Scent : Saltwater.  One Lucky Charm : Ka Makau Nui ‘o Maui cattle bone necklace his father carved him 

[shrapped]

The year of inbetweens

Today marks the day of one year being with me and only me. Don't be mislead. I'm not saying I locked myself in a cabin and didn't see a single soul for a year. It was another kind of commitment.

On the 20th april of 2018 I broke up with my last boyfriend, who was my second big love. Like the kind of person you picture yourself growing old with. The kind of person that makes you seriously consider kids as a 20yr old. The kind of person you get crazy about.

It wasn't that I didn't love him. It was that I wanted to love me first. He couldn't meet needs I felt pressing to have met. I did what I had to do, but trust me it wasn't easy.

We were sitting on a bench in a park and after he cried, after he screamed, after he cursed me, after he left, I just kept on sitting there. For half an hour I couldn't move. I sat in tears, knowing I did the right thing, but it felt so wrong. How could I let go the guy who felt like the love of my life?

I wanted to do all the bad things. I wanted to smoke a cigarette, numb my feelings. Wanted to drink or hook up with some random dude. I wanted to really hurt myself. But how could I? How could I hurt myself after doing the hardest thing just to do right by me. That would've made me a cheat.

One week later I ended up talking to an acquaintance about the breakup, relationships in general and the ways we run from things. And that night I made a commitment to myself: To stay single for a year, no matter what. To come back to myself, and to stay there, no matter what's pulling me.

I remember well how my therapist reacted. She didn't take me serious. She asked what would happen if I met someone? Wouldn't it be stupid to force it? I got really mad at her.

This decision felt a hundred percent like my truth. It came from a place within me that's wise, that knows my truth, even before I do.

I on the other hand was feeling so excited. I thought this was awesome and just what I needed, and just about this year anyway, and very bearable. But really, man, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. And I keep thinking now that that's a good thing, because if I had, it may would have scared me off. And man, would I have missed out.

In hindsight, I'm calling it the year of inbetweens. I'm really feeling that word. Inbetween.

I was letting go of old stuff, drugs, people, behaviours, just everything that wasn't of any use to my new, self-loving me. But I did not yet have anything new to fill up these spaces. And there still are lot of spaces to fill. New ways to pick up. I'm inbetween, and it's a very scary place to be in, but I wouldn't wanna miss it for the world.

Saying Yes to Yourself means saying No to Others

I was a person who'd always put themselves at the end of the row. And trust me, it was a long row. My Mom, my Dad, friends, aquaintances, colleagues, even strangers on the street. I was always in a hurry to please them. I got lost somewhere along the way.

Before learning to say yes to things, to adventure and being spontaneous, I had to learn to say No.

No to doing what they wanted instead of what I felt like, no to friends of friends when they are not my people. No to parties and no to drugs.

Trust me, it wasn't easy. In the beginning while it may have felt a tad better than ignoring my authentic self, sitting home alone on a Friday night felt wrong. Like I was missing out on something. But was I, if what I was missing out wasn't what I wanted in the first place? No!

Like all the areas, change came slowly. As I started to feel better with going with my gut when it came to my need, I started to change the way I arrange my life.

I stopped arranging my life around other peoples wants and needs, and their lifestyle. Instead I started asking, and learning, and sometimes failing my own wants and needs. And whatever didn't fit anymore was tossed out. I may sound like a bit of a dickhead now. And you know what? I was. Still kinda am, though the worst is over.

I'm sorry for every time someone got to feel consequences for something they didn't cause. But to me it was natural.

I'm a hundred percent certain if you want to get in balance and have been living one side of the story, you need to live the other one in the same extent. It may just look a little crazy if you compress in a few months what happened over years on the other side.

I spent years, actually, my whole childhood putting myself last. So now I come first. End of the story.

Don't wait for meaning, create meaning

We, as humans, often look for meaning. In life, but also in the small things. If what happened to us makes sense in a bigger picture, if we can shift our perspective, something bad may not be just bad anymore.

I know there are people out there who went through much more struggles than me, but I also wouldn't say it was all easy.

I think one of the key lessons from my last year was when I turned towards sobriety. First I stopped drinking alcohol – by choice. Then I was forced to quit smoking weed too. The last couple months I've been having my fights with the plain old cigarettes. So slowly turning my back on drugs alltogether.

There was a reason I couldn't start stopping earlier. A family member of mine is an alcoholic, and only when I severed all contact with them, that I could start working on my relationship with alcohol. Everything else was just Domino effect.

I'm not happy about the rough patches in my life. I wouldn't wish tragedy on anyone. But I am thankful for the lessons. In hindsight, everything fits into the bigger picture. As soon as I realized that, I startet creating my meaning as I went along. I didn't wait for the Aha-Moment, I created it.

Asking myself:

What can I learn from this?

How is this helping me grow?

Healing is about love a lot. But it seems, healing is a lot about responsibility too. The moment you start taking back responsibility for your own happiness instead of letting it depend on other people and outer circumstances is the moment you will start to heal. I'm not saying you're gonna be magically alright and nothing bad will ever happen again. What I'm saying is you'll be fine with not yet being alright, or not being alright all the time. You'll grow so strong and confident when you realize how much power you really hold, that when a bad thing comes along it might make you struggle , it might even knock you down, but it will not knock you out.

You can think of creating meaning as a time travel – when it's too difficult experiencing the here and now, you can travel to your future self, a few years from that moment, and see how you did benefit from it after all.

Be your own kind of brave

Learning to say No, for me, started with still saying Yes, but then saying No somewhere in the middle. It started with saying maybe to gain some time. And to use that time to realize that I should've said No. It started with more fuck ups, than successes.

Here's a little story about a time I messed up quite badly:

A friend asked me to join him on a holiday. I agreed to accompany him to a trip to Italy, visiting a Rainbow Gathering. (Rainbow Gatherings are not festivals. They're intentional gatherings of all kinds of people who come together for a month somewhere in nature to cook together, sing around the fires, make workshops, share experiences and generally come together as 'a family'.)

We wanted to take a flight there, but the flight was cancelled. We both decided to hitchhike our way down to Italy. But boy, I really didn't know what I was getting myself into.

Being 2 months in on this journey of self-discovery my mind was already overflowing with information to proccess, and these days of hitchhiking were no better. Being constantly surrounded by the noise of the highway, lacking sleep, lacking structure or security in any kind of way. I was worn out after one day already, to be honest.

We were still in Germany, in a touristy town by a lake. The weather was beautiful, there was a fleamarket and the summer breeze rounded it all up. What an evening to be crying. Yet that's exactly what I was doing. I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted to run away so badly, be safe, go home.

I knew I couldn't keep it up, I told my friend I couldn't do the rest of the trip with him. Boy, was he upset. And of course he was. That was just anything but cool. He told me I was just being a coward.

But I knew, that I was just being my own kind of brave.

It's a process

You know, it's a funny thing. I started playing guitar a few months ago. And it's working, without a proper teacher or anything. Okay, that's not funny. But here's something that is:

This is not the first time I'm trying to learn the guitar. I did so 5 years ago, and even with a teacher.

I just didn't have the right mindset. I was the all or nothing kind of person. Way too perfectionist to ever get anything done. I picked up the guitar, tried and failed. It didn't sound like those great musicians I admired. So obviously I just didn't have it in me. Practice was tiring and success so slim it didn't seem promising.

So what was different this time?

I started slow. I started with a Ukulele which is a way more thankful instrument than guitar could ever be. You get easy success and a feeling for string instruments and strumming. Everything else came naturally. I got bored, I wanted more variety, more possibility.

I didn't fear failure. When making a mistake stopped meaning that I am a mistake, it was okay. It maybe wasn't fun, but it was endurable.

I could cherish the small silver lining, instead of waiting for the big fireworks. Every success, no matter how little, I could appreciate as making some kind of progress. And everything else is just perseverence. And trust me, stubborn I am.

I'm still working very much to stay in that perspective, but it got me way further than being perfectionist ever has.

So be gentle with yourself. Be kind in your words, as you would be with your friends. Let yourself make the mistakes you are learning from. Give yourself the space you need, and fill it with whatever is there. Whether it be laughter, or tears, or screams, or running from things, or letting go completely. Fill it. Let yourself be empty, let yourself be overflowing. Let yourself be.