#it just manifests into something controlling and overbearing

[hmsdoodlin]

Thinking about an obsessive, devoted Mind who’s trying his best to keep Whole alive and thriving. A robotic Mind who believes his only purpose in life is to keep his host living and therefore often goes to the extreme.

He doesn’t understand what his host is going through, not entirely at least, fighting an uphill battle and getting frustrated with himself and their vessel for not being fixable.

A Mind that refuses to give up, constantly pushing Whole to his limit in an attempt to save him. A Mind that beats himself up over this, instead of asking for help he just digs himself deeper in this ideology. If this isn’t helping them then maybe he just needs to up the anti, maybe he needs to sacrifice everything. He’s going farther than ever before, pushing the boundaries until they snap and is possibly going a bit mad in the process.

Eventually Mind breaks, either finally realizing Whole is unfixable this way and that he’s failed his only objective, or he’s forced to face Wholes mortality and that flicks a switch in his brain.

A Mind who completely breaks down, unable to process these emotions and becomes hyperaware of everything ‘bad’ he’s ever done. He realizes he’s the one killing them, all he can hear are the words failure over and over again.

I’d do anything for you, I did everything for you but I could never be enough. I’m the one hurting us. I failed you.

A devoted Mind who cradles his vessel with as much tenderness and care he can muster, holding him close and silently begging for forgiveness while also struggling to even understand what he’s feeling.

Maybe it’s too late, maybe it’s just in time. But he fucked up regardless, I don’t think he could never let that go.

Song that was on loop while I wrote this btw ^^^

Idk but it gave me such a vivid daydream/animatic in my head that I just had to share. Sorry if this is ooc I’m Heart coded so everything has to do with emotions and feelings 😔

[mandarinmoons]

I'll be here, always

Pairing: Spencer Reid x gender neutral reader Summary: Anxious thoughts taking control of your mind again, Spencer reminds you that he is always there to calm your worries Words: 1389 A/N: This is a bit scary to post cause this is something that I myself struggle with from time to time and if you yourself have these thoughts then know that you're not alone <3

You sighed quietly as you watched Spencer work away at his desk, his eyes quickly scanning details of the paperwork as he worked to try and solve it. It was as if he had glued himself onto the chair as soon as he got home, barely taking any breaks to eat, use the bathroom or speak a single word to you.

“Do you want something to eat?”

“No.”

You sighed as you watched Spencer flip away at his case files, his eyes not looking up from them to meet your eyes. You don’t think you could’ve met them anyways, but a part of you was begging for him to acknowledge your existence for just once during the day. It was eating you away and with your anxiety acting up more than usual, it was only a matter of time until you were reduced to nothing but tears.

Spencer was not the same after coming home from prison. His demeanor was colder, he kept more to himself and didn’t smile as often. He had expressed himself that he didn’t like what prison had done to him, he missed the way he once was and sometimes would stay up until dawn mourning the person he used to be.

“If you weren’t around I think I would go insane.”

Spencer had confided in you one late night that you were one of the few constants in his life. You had known him for years, ever since he first joined The BAU to when he got arrested. You had seen him at his best and his worst, you took him as he was, as he were, and you weren’t going to leave him over a hard chapter in his life, especially if it had changed him.

Sometimes it was easier said than done. Spencer wasn’t the only who had issues and you were honest with him with the thoughts that consumed your head at times, how they would manifest and why. They weren’t something you were proud of, in fact you would feel guilty over them later on when you managed to get a hold of them. It seemed to be an endless cycle at times and sometimes you wondered if you would ever get better. Spencer changed that though.

He assured you countless times whenever you needed it, he would hold you until you were no longer shaking and would see you smile again, he would do anything for you and it made you stick to him like glue. That wasn’t always a good thing though considering your issues.

With having an anxious attachment, sometimes your worries would arise if Spencer took too long to answer a text or call or if his mood seemed unusual for a longer period of time. You tried your best not to get into your head about it, rationalize with yourself that he’s either busy or tired and needs some time for himself and nine times out of ten things would go back to the way they were soon enough.

This time it was different though. The time spent in prison had altered Spencer permanently and although you knew his love for you hadn’t diminished one bit, if not grown stronger, the way he would express it was different than before and it would take some time to get used to.

“He doesn’t love you anymore, he’s just not able to say it.”

Those kinds of thoughts were plaguing your mind and with the way Spencer was behaving, it was hard to listen to your logical side to try and calm yourself. Everything felt so different and it was hard not to expect that things would fall apart eventually.

You were brought back to reality when you felt tears stream down your face, the emotions being too overbearing and let go when you weren’t noticing. You couldn’t let Spencer see you this way so you brushed them away, cleared your throat and looked towards your boyfriend as you tried your best to make sure your voice didn’t crack.

“I’m feeling a bit tired, I’m going to lie down for a bit.”

Spencer only nodded and went back to skimming through his papers, feeling your heart sink again at the lack of his acknowledgement.

Walking to bed and lying down on the covers, you couldn’t help but notice how with every day that passed the sheets seemed colder. Maybe it was because Spencer’s scent had diminished by each day, making the overall feeling less comforting and warm.

You couldn’t help but have tears pouring from your eyes. It was exhausting having to keep it in and you couldn’t bear to do it anymore. Usually you would be right on track to run into Spencer’s arms to have him help you feel more grounded, but with his behaviour being so cold lately, you didn’t want to risk it when he wasn’t in the best mood or maybe even be scolded by him. Has it happened before? No, but you were too scared of those thoughts becoming true one day and with his demeanor being the way it was right now, the chances of it happening seemed higher than ever before.

After some time of silently letting the tears out, feeling exhausted by all of the emotions, you eventually did fall asleep. At least with sleeping you knew you would feel more calm and collected later, but slowly the cycle would start again at some point and you would have to go through the process all over again, something you weren’t sure how long you would be able to keep up.

Sensing that something was wrong, Spencer made his way to the bedroom and stood at the door for a moment, taking in your sleeping figure. Your back was turned to the door and your knees pressed to your chest in a fetal position, your body's way of showing you need protection and comfort, something Spencer knew he had lacked recently.

Feeling his heart ache, he made his way to the bed, laid down next to you and gently wrapped his arms around you, causing you to stir and open your eyes.

With Spencer’s thumbs caressing your arms, another flood of tears escaped your eyes and as you tried to hold back a sob, Spencer was quick to turn you around and bury your head in his chest, making it impossible to not let out your cries.

“It’s okay sweetheart.”

With each loving touch it was harder and harder not to cry. The one thing you needed for so long had finally been given to you and you didn’t know whether to be happy or sad. You did need what Spencer was giving to you, but had it been something forced out of him?

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“That I’m not in control this.”

Spencer took your head into his hands as his eyes looked into yours, his thumbs brushing away the fallen tears and feeling his own eyes tear up seeing how red your eyes seemed. He hadn’t been there for you and it was eating him alive.

“Honey, listen to me. It is not your fault for feeling the way you do, it all leads back to the way you were raised as a child and you had no control over how your parents treated you. We all have our slip ups, but it does not mean that you’re not handling it well, because you are. It’s just a bump in the road and that does not mean you don’t have a handle on this or that it won’t get better. It does, you just have to believe in yourself.”

Not being able to get the words out, your lips pressed onto Spencer’s gently as a way of showing gratitude for his words. He always knew exactly what to say to help calm you and this time his words hit a bit deeper. It wasn’t your fault how you were treated but that didn’t mean that you weren’t worthy of love.

Your loud inner critic lost its power slowly as you and Spencer continued to hold each other and take in each other’s presence. Soon enough you both fell asleep while being in each other’s arms and slept soundly through the night, hearts beating in unison as well as smiles plastered on your tired faces.

You can find my masterlists here! Let me know your thoughts in the comments and like & reblog to support <3

[hvnishere]

the brain is not against you. ˖ . ݁𝜗𝜚. ݁₊

the sole purpose of the brain, in my eyes, is to keep the body alive. before knowing the law, we were living on autopilot—we let life happen to us because we didn't know about the law or shifting. we needed our brain to help guide us through life and we needed to cling onto patterns of the past to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. we were confided to the borders and regulations of how the brain works—to change ourselves we must heal, do shadow work, go to therapy and maybe then we can be better or simply just something different.

once you learn about the law and put it into practice, you realize that you don't need this anymore—you don't need the brain to help you navigate anymore because you've been the one holding the reins. anything you believe to be true becomes true. a glorious fact to discover, but what about the brain? what is it supposed to do now?

see the brain is like an overprotective parent whose kid (you) is going off to college and becoming an independent adult. the worrying never leaves and to the child it can feel overbearing—why do they worry so much when i know i have this? the thing is to the brain, much like those parents, you'll always be it's baby. it's essentially going through empty nest syndrome. that doesn't make the brain a bad thing, in fact, it just wants to help you out.

learn to coexist. it's not your enemy. if you view the brain as an entity working against you, you will always fight it. humanize it. let it freak out, it's all love. when you decide you're in your desired reality, it might get scared—of course it's freaking out, it's logical and manifesting/shifting isn't logical to it.

whenever the brain freaks out, pause and realize what's happening. it's just scared. you are not the brain and the brain is not you. this separation is scary to it but it doesn't have to be scary for you. tell the brain that it’s okay and remind yourself that you are not it. the thoughts it creates are there to protect you because you are stepping through a door that's unknown to it. the brain will never be aware of different realities because that's your job as you are pure consciousness. do not forget your job and your power. i cannot stress how important it is to identify fully with your power as consciousness, not the brain or body. it isn't necessary but it helps a lot—god wouldn't freak out so why are you?

remind yourself that you are the power and that the power is within you. contemplate this often until it sinks in fully. wake up and remind yourself that you are consciousness in a human body, not a human hoping to be heard by some outside source. remove your ego from the situation and see it as god, not a human. reclaim your rightful place and let the brain do it's thing. live with it, not against it. nurture and love it because it loves you, maybe more than you think.

if you only take one thing away from this post let it be this: you and the brain are two different entities and you’ve always had control—the only difference is now you know you do.

[ronearoundblindly]

LEXI!!! I need your take on this! I love your every cevans + Bucky headcanons. I tune in every time. You just grasp the characters like no one else. I love your mind.

I saw this and thought it was funny

https://www.tumblr.com/autumnrose40/765173801720987648/omg-lol

How would each of the characters react to you calling them daddy as a joke? And maybe who would be into the daddy kink during actual sex? Like who would be into it.. or not all. Maybe some would only be into it if they thought the reader was so they would just go along but not get any real pleasure of it themselves. I GOTTA KNOW.

Love you <3

Link here. That is so sweet of you to say💜💜💜 I try really hard to differentiate these characters so that we continue to get the experience they are complete individuals. I'm glad it's coming through in the words!

Warnings for inference to smut and bedroom petnames/nicknames. Nothing graphic/explicit. Full disclosure: it's not my bag, personally, so I might not know enough about the 'daddy'-dynamic to be strictly fair here. As with all kinks, there are proper/consensual ways and there are usury ways they manifest.

Ari Levinson

In a surprise development to absolutely no one, oh yes, Ari's very open to it. However, he is 1000% not into infantilization. 'Baby' is a nickname only; he hates the idea of you behaving like a child or treating you like a child. Ari won't do it. (Sorry, I know this is a big thing in fic with him, but I don't see it.) He would enjoy playing it off in public, acting like it's a funny joke, and in private, he would enjoy the sexiness of it. Ari...doesn't exactly have endless patience. He enjoys the obedience that comes with using this nickname since you're normally saying 'yes' to whatever he asked about...plus it usually leads to sex. Duh.

Andy Barber

Even after having children, calling him 'Daddy' has a huge ick-factor for Andy--not even 'Mom'/you can say it without him cringing. If referring to him in front of the kid(s), he'll let 'Dad' slide, but still kinda prefers 'your father' or 'your dad.' There are quite a few reasons he's not comfortable with it, but most of them stem from his job and too much control asserted over various victims. Andy prefers independence and equality in his partners. He's less worried about bad things happening to you if you're adult, aware, and ready to defend your boundaries.

Curtis Everett

Turns around with an amused little 'what?' Gets flustered like the guy in the video. Maybe into it every now and then when things get super hot and heavy in bed, but Curtis isn't gunning for the title by any means.

Jake Jensen

So. many. giggles. Jake will play along but it doesn't fit him IRL. He's not dominant or overbearing or anything else 'daddy' sometimes implies; he doesn't even buy you that much stuff lol! I could see it being used in a smidge of roleplay, but otherwise, nah.

Johnny Storm

He loves the idea but hasn't really earned it, ya know? Like Jake, Johnny doesn't organize anything for control, and I'm sorry to point out but he's not exactly the type to provide much more than a body, some income, and enough emotions to get by as a partner. I get that sounds awful, but you know I'm right. Keeps the nicknames fun and flirty. They aren't TITLES, though, if you catch my drift.

Jimmy Dobyne

Why would you say that? Seriously, why?

He outright doesn't understand. Once you explain, he's appalled, and only if you asked consistently would Jimmy allow it. Doesn't do anything for him personally and isn't something he'd want his friends to know you do.

James Mace

Mace goes very quiet when you first say it, at most a smirk passes his lips. Once you two are home, he'll choose a moment (probably over cooking dinner since he can quickly change the subject if necessary) to discuss it. He's into it if you are (and only if and when you are) but not in public, absolutely never in public.

Lloyd Hansen

Oh, come on! It's practically a requirement, plus his legal name isn't all that sexy to moan in bed. 'Daddy' sounds muuuuuch better. (He's, uh, he's earned it, too. 100%. Just saying.) Lloyd enjoys other people seeing you call him 'daddy' too. Sometimes, he thinks that kind of submission and loyalty sets an example to the randos in his orbit. Very, very into it.

Ransom Drysdale

RoAR!Ran, in-story, has a fantasy that you/women would call him that--coughspoilerscough--but generally, I also see him as a fan of this nickname. Since he's meaner than Johnny, it fits better, though still relatively unearned. Ransom takes sooooo long to open up and connect with anyone that all it is is empty control for a while. It makes more sense that Ransom enjoys this in bed; he doesn't behave much like a sugar daddy or even a boyfriend in public.

Steve Rogers

I don't see a world where Steve gets the conventional enjoyment out of this as any sexual nickname. He's not fond of that kind of innuendo (or degradation) and will launch into a lesson on respect if he hears someone else use it. He isn't a prude so much as it doesn't fit, thus even if you are into it, Steve puts his foot down. Hard pass.

FRI!Steve might be fine when, and only when, he's a real dad. Little grossed out otherwise, but if you refer to him as 'daddy' to your child and then keep calling him that from time to time, he gets it. It's easier and probably slips out just like 'mommy' does for him. Should you say it while you two are intimate, he might ask if you think he treats you like a baby. He would never want to give you that impression.

Bucky Barnes

I could see both ways. Depends on his exact relationship dynamic with you and likely his mood, too. Bucky gets lost sometimes--in both good and bad feelings--so can I see him diving so deep into wringing you dry of passion and pleasure that he relishes the title? Yeah. Yeah, I can. He'd hold you so close as you beg for daddy, but whether you want him to stop or keep going is anyone’s guess. Bucky likewise can dissociate and shutdown to (how do I put this?) conventional humanity. It's not going to make him feel included in the world to call him by a fake title or imply that he is responsible for caring for you. That's overwhelming. Buck needs the simple life; he's just a man and you're just his girl. Nothing needy about it. He doesn't need to take over anything. He just needs to breathe and make it to tomorrow.

Thank you for asking!

[Main Masterlist; Who Would... Masterlist; Ko-Fi]

@supraveng @1950schick @patzammit @whiskeytangofoxtrot555

@yiiiikesmish @ashesofblackroses @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory

@brandycranby @buckysprettybaby @ellethespaceunicorn

@late-to-the-party-81 @bigtreefest @mistressmkay @astheskycries

@rogersbarber @blogbog710 @yenzys-lucky-charm

[pinksssideblog]

hey pink! first i want to say that i’m okay with you posting this publicly because i’m sure that other people are going through the same thing - but i was wondering if you would be okay with sharing how you dealt with your overbearing parents while you were still in the process of trying to enter the void? my parents are very strict, they punish me for every little thing and it’s getting too overbearing at this point. if you have any advice i would really appreciate it, and i’m sure many others are in similar situations. if you aren’t comfortable answering this it’s ok! i don’t want to put you in an uncomfortable position.

hi! ty for being so respectful to my rules and before i answer your question, lemme put a trigger warning for s*icide and ab*use

im so sorry for what you're going through with your parents and your home life and i definetly sympathize and empathize with your situation, having gone through it myself.

up until i discovered the void state, i was honestly depressed. im not even using this term lightly, i had no hope for a better future and had suicidal thoughts.

i lived somehow but something would happen and my parents would beat me and my reaction would be that this life was not worth living and i would be better off dead.

then when i discovered the void state and learned about how i was the creator of my reality and i could change my life, it gave me hope that i never had before.

it wasn't like i entered the void state immediately, i also struggled to enter as i assume is happening to you.

but for me, whenever my parents did something, i no longer thought of suicide but rather thought of how i was definetly going to enter the void and never have to see my family again

just remember that your current situation is not set in stone. your reality is malleable and the person who is in control is you. you are going to enter the void state and escape your current situation. anytime your parents frustrate you, allow yourself to get angry and then once you calm down, remind yourself that you are in control and you are going to enter the void state and manifest whatever it is you want.

[jupitersnewmoon]

Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider...Han?

Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider...Han? - Minsung Spiderman/College AU

ଳ Jisung likes to think he's very good at keeping his identity a secret but Minho can recognize that waist anywhere.

ଳ chapter 5 - "Bug"

ଳ cw - depictions of v!olence, swearing, gays being gays, Jisung is kind of a stalker, light angst because I'm a wuss, hurt/comfort, no smut... unless, a little corny, minsung, chanlix, hyunbin

ଳ Previous Chapter - Next Chapter

There was something about the spidersuit that made Jisung feel invincible. Maybe it was because the mask hid his identity or maybe it was the lifts in his shoes that made him a few inches taller. Either way whatever demon possesses him once he puts the suit on has led him to be standing in the middle of his crushes kitchen ready to help feed his cats. Jisung almost gets whiplash thinking about how just a few days ago just the thought of being in the same room as Minho almost killed him and now he’s held Minho’s waist twice. TWICE! 

After Chan and Changbin had left this morning he tried to fall back asleep but as per usual all he could think about was Minho and how he was holding up. His exhaustion was overbearing but if he didn’t have confirmation Minho was still doing okay there was no way he was falling asleep. 

Jisung wonders if Minho would be okay with him installing some sort of baby monitor or nanny cam so he can check up on him without having to leave his soft cozy bed.

The original plan was to just swing by Minho’s apartment and maybe look in through the window (in a totally non creepy way), then once he made sure Minho was safe he could go back home and get some much needed rest. 

But as Jisung was swinging past Minho’s apartment his little white spiderwebs turned red and all of a sudden he’s being pulled towards Minho’s bedroom window. Jisung’s exhaustion works hard but the red string of fate works harder. 

Jisung wonders if it’s weird how fast they’re cozying up to each other especially since Minho doesn’t even know who’s under Spider-Man’s mask but he likes to think that just solidifies the fact that they’re meant to be. And in Jisung’s defense he’s been crushing on Minho for a while now so if anything Minho’s the only weird one here. Jisung’s got years of yearning on his belt while Minho’s just met him. But Jisung can’t seem to find it in himself to care, he’s always liked weird. 

Minho prepares the cat's food while Jisung leans against the counter and watches him fondly. The three cats have yet to quiet their wails of hunger and Minho is desperately trying to hush them. Jisung can’t help the butterflies that flutter around his stomach at the domestic sight. He wonders if this is what his future looks like. Standing in the kitchen with Minho and his cats early in the morning, just the five of them in their own little bubble. 

What? It’s very normal to write y/n style fanfiction in your head about a man who you just officially met for the first time yesterday after protecting (stalking) him for a few years. Plus he’s basically just manifesting. 

He makes a mental note to find a witch on Etsy to make a love spell to speed this process up. 

After Minho finally gets the food in their bowls and sets them down you'd think they hadn’t been fed in years. They dart for their bowls and Soonie almost takes out Dori and the bowl with how fast he was going. Dori looks like he’s about to start a fight but once he sees the food again revenge is quickly forgotten. While the cats are devouring their meals Minho turns toward Jisung and rolls his eyes.

“Thanks for the help Spider-Man,” Minho teases as he also leans on the counter just a few feet away from Jisung. 

“It looked like you had it all under control sweetheart. I was here just in case they decided to eat you instead for taking so long,” Jisung teases back.

“Oh please, if they wanted to eat anyone it would’ve been you.”.

Jisung gasps and dramatically clutches his heart.

“They would never!”.

Minho giggles at Jisung’s dramatics and pushes himself off of the counter to head to the fridge.

“I haven’t eaten yet today, are you hungry?” Minho asks Jisung as he rummages through his fridge.

It’s then that Jisung realizes just how hungry he is. The concerning amount of redbull and doritos from last night’s patrolling were not a five star meal and on cue his stomach rumbles. He toddles over to where Minho is standing to also look in the fridge. 

“Starving, I’d eat cat food at this point,” Jisung replies as he tries to focus on the food in the fridge and not how good Minho looks bent over.

“Well if you want some cat food you’re gonna have to fight them for it. Don’t think you’d win though,” Minho says as he pulls some eggs, hash browns, and some toast from the fridge.

“Yeah probably not,” Jisung agrees as he looks at the cats scarfing down their food.

Minho places the food down and starts preparing to make breakfast. Jisung hops onto the counter next to the stove and swings his legs as he watches Minho do his thing.

Jisung can be a great helper in the kitchen when he wants to be but with his sore and bruised body he’d much rather watch Minho cook while he sits there and looks pretty.

While Minho was cooking breakfast Jisung was cooking up more of his little y/n fanfiction. Truthfully who could blame the man? He had the prettiest boy in the world whipping up something he sure was gonna be the best thing he had ever tasted. His friends constantly sang praises about how good Minho’s cooking was and he was finally about to experience it. Wow, the two things he adored most in this world, Minho and food. Today couldn’t possibly get better. 

Jisung who originally planned to just stare at the pretty boy in front of him in silence, realized now was a perfect time to really get to know his future husband. So Jisung began berating the elder with just about any question he could think of. He started off tame with things like hobbies, interest, favorite colors, basically all the things he already knew from “protecting” Minho all those years so that he could get into the deeper more personal things without causing suspicion. Personal things like if he was a teenage mutant ninja turtle which one would he be. Jisung thinks people would say he was Michelangelo (the one in an orange mask) but he thinks he’d be Donatello (the one in the purple mask). Don’t ask him why, the explanation would take hours. 

If a stranger had walked in on them they would’ve thought the two had known each for years with the way conversation flowed so casually. Jisung was determined to know everything there was to know about Minho and Minho didn’t seem to mind the unrelenting and constant questions spewing from Jisung. He indulged Jisung in any and every inquiry no matter how unimportant they seemed. 

Once Minho had finished preparing breakfast he told Jisung to take a seat at one of the barstools on the other side of the counter. Jisung hopped off the counter and was ready to walk around but came up with a better idea. 

Jisung shot his web on the ceiling and swung himself over the counter before doing a little flip and landing on the barstool. The momentum from the landing almost made him fall out of his chair but he quickly recovered and tried to assume a cool and nonchalant pose. 

Minho stopped plating their food and stared at Jisung for a few seconds.

“Was that supposed to impress me?” Minho questions with a bored look on his face.

“Yeah, did it work?” Jisung asks with hope in his voice and a little out of breath.

Minho tries to bite back his smile as he looks down and continues putting food on their plates, “A little.”.

On the outside Jisung appears chill and unbothered by Minho’s admission but in his head he’s doing backflips as confetti cannons go off. If you listen closely you could probably hear a little ‘yippie’ come from inside his brain. 

Once Minho appears satisfied with their portions he walks around the counter and joins Jisung on the barstool next to him. Minho sets down their plates and as Jisung is admiring the feast laid out in front of him it suddenly dawns on him that in order to eat he’s going to have to take his mask off. 

As if Minho can sense something is wrong he looks at Jisung confused as to why he hasn’t begun eating. Jisung places a hand on the side of his mask as he looks down at the food longingly. It seems to click in Minho’s head and he looks up seemingly lost in thought. 

Jisung is ready to accept defeat and live vicariously through Minho as he watches him eat. He knows he can go into the other room and take his mask off but the idea of not being directly by Minho's side is worse than any hunger pain. 

Jisung turns towards Minho and is about to tell him to just eat without them when Minho appears to have come up with a solution.

‘May I?” Minho questions as he looks at Jisung hesitantly.

Jisung isn’t sure what Minho is going to do but he’d let the guy light him on fire if he wanted to so he just nods his head.

“The mask, is it attached to the rest of the suit? Or can you remove it without having to take off the rest of it?”.

Jisung doesn’t say anything and instead pulls at the fabric at the base of his neck to show Minho where the mask ends.

Minhos nods his head in understanding as his hands slowly make their way to the base of his neck. Minho slightly bunches up the fabric as he starts pushing the mask up Jisung’s neck. Jisung tries his best to calm his breathing as he feels Minho’s hands slide up his throat and under his chin. The higher Minho goes the more his pace falters, as if he's scared he’s going to scare Jisung off. But Jisung is so lost in Minho’s touch nothing else matters to him as long as Minho keeps his hands on him. Jisung doesn’t care if Minho ripped off his mask and revealed his identity and told the world who Spider-Man was, as long as he got to stay in this moment for a little longer.

Once Minho had slid the mask over Jisung’s nose his movements stopped, but his hands still rested on the sides of his face. Jisung fluttered his eyes open not even realizing he had closed them in the first place and stared at him.

“There,” Minho whispers, “now you can eat.”.

This is usually the point where they move away from each other and start digging in but neither of them make any moves to do so. 

Jisung feels Minho’s hands let go of his mask and cup the sides of his face gently, like he’s scared that if he holds Jisung too hard he’ll break. 

“Yesterday was exhausting, you should really eat something,” Minho whispers, still not getting any further from Jisung. 

Jisung just nods his head in agreement as a dumb smile appears on his face. He’s sure he’s looking at Minho with the biggest and dopiest love struck look but he doesn’t think he could hold it back even if he wanted to. 

Minho giggles and Jisung is sure he wants to hear that sound for the rest of his life. He briefly debates on how weird it would be if he proposed to Minho right here right now but a part of him thinks Minho is weird enough to say yes. Before Jisung can get down on one knee Minho removes his hands from his face. 

If Jisung had just a little less decorum he would’ve dropped to his knees and sobbed. It felt like a part of him had just been ripped out of him. Jisung was sure getting stabbed would have hurt less. How was he meant to go on like this? How could Minho the light of his life be so cruel to him? Jisung could feel his heartbeat slowing. He could feel the color draining from him and his vision start to go black. Was this how he was meant to die? By the hands or technically the lack of hands from his soulmate? Okay maybe it isn’t that serious and maybe Jisung should’ve slept a little more but in this moment this was the worst possible thing that could ever happen to him. Jisung takes a quick glance at his plate to see if the burnt toast he’s smelling is from the beautiful breakfast Minho made or a heart attack.

His untimely death was however interrupted by Minho holding up a forkful of food in front of him and chuckling.

“Oh stop pouting, I’m trying to feed you since you seem to have forgotten how,” Minho says with a fond look on his face. 

Jisung stares at him dumbly for a few seconds before slowly opening his mouth and allowing Minho to feed him. Minho makes a small noise of content and looks thoroughly pleased with himself that he’s making the younger eat. 

No words are shared between the two as they eat. Minho continues to feed Jisung and while he chews Minho takes a bite for himself. They fall into a perfect rhythm as they bask in comfortable silence and prolonged eye contact. Jisung can see how red Minho’s ears are and Minho can see the blush on Jisung’s face and it only brings the two comfort that they’re both feeling the same way in that moment. 

Once they’ve finished their food Minho collects their plates and sets them in the sink. Jisung’s eyes don’t leave his form as he watches Minho’s every move. Jisung wants to remember this for the rest of his life. He wants this memory engraved in his brain. So engraved that when the doctors do an MRI they’ll be able to see this moment in stop motion-esque photos. 

Jisung lets out a quiet yawn and Minho turns to look at him with a fond and understanding smile.

“Tired?” Minho questions.

Jisung just nods his head as he rests his head on his right palm to briefly “rest” his eyes. 

Minho's smile doesn’t fade as he makes his way back to his seat. Jisung expects Minho to sit back down but instead he grabs Jisungs left hand and lightly tugs him up.

“C’mon bug, let’s get some sleep,” Minho whispers as he and Jisung make their way to the living room. 

Minho reluctantly lets go of his hand and Jisung watches as he grabs a blanket that was thrown over the side of the couch and throws on a random show. Minho lays down on the couch and once he’s comfy he opens his arms and the blanket silently inviting Jisung to join him.

While Jisung would like to say he very calmly and cooley walked over to the couch he basically lunged into Minho’s embrace. Listen, he’s been waiting for this moment for three years cut him some slack. 

Jisung lays on his side with his head in Minho’s chest and wiggles his body to get comfortable. Minho laughs lightly at the younger's antics as he throws his arm around Jisung’s waist. Jisung briefly thinks back to how Changbin said that Minho was raving about his waist to Felix and a smirk washes over his face. While the urge to poke fun at him for it is strong he doesn’t want to risk Minho letting him go so he bites his tongue. 

Jisung wiggles in Minho's hold a little more trying to get as close as he can to the boy and as if Minho can read his mind he pulls Jisung in more and lifts his leg slightly so Jisung can slot his own into the space. Finally Jisung feels content and lets out a happy sigh while he nuzzles his head into the elders chest. 

Despite how comfortable Jisung is there is a small part of his brain fighting him to stay awake. He knows danger is inevitable and bad things seem to happen to Minho when he’s near so his thoughts start to spiral. A part of his brain is screaming at him to get up and train and watch over him but the other part is more relaxed and quiet then it has been in years. Jisung fears for a moment that he won’t be able to fall asleep with all these emotions and thoughts running rampant in his mind but suddenly Minho squeezes his side softly before moving his hand to the back of Jisung’s head and adjusting his body to lean slightly over Jisung’s. With Minho’s leg thrown over his, his torso slightly angled over his own, his arm keeping his body in place, and his hand cradling his head that's tucked into his chest, Jisung’s brain goes quiet. His senses are completely filled with Minho and Minho only, just the way it was intended to be. He feels completely smothered in the best way possible. 

While Jisung slips into slumber he thinks about all the words that could describe how he’s feeling. Content, euphoric, bliss, serene. All good adjectives but they’re simply not strong enough. They don’t hold the right amount of weight, there’s not enough umph to them. Jisung decides he’ll have to google a stronger word. Man, he needs to make a list of all the words he’s gonna have to google just because Minho is making him feel things he’s never felt before.  

Just before Jisung fully falls asleep he hears Minho whisper.

“We’re safe bug, I got you, I promise. Sleep.”.

Jisung sleeps better than he has in years.  

A/N

"I promise I won't disappear for a long period of time" all women do is lie. But seriously y'all I'm so fucking sorry I did not mean to die again. Also sorry for the short ass chapter I promise their are longer ones coming SOON! I WILL NOT DIE AGAIN! But anyways I have missed y'all so much and I've missed writing Spider-Han and I'm super motivated so expect some chapters coming your way! I PROMISE! However if god forbid I take a little too long or you just wanna say hi or eventually see some drabbles that are taking up space in my notes app feel free to hit my line or follow on twt @ JupitersNewMoon! If you wanna be mutuals or just yell at me for a new chapter feel free to scream at me in my dms! Okay I adore you all so much let me know if you liked this chapter! Thank you and I'll see you soon (REAL) (NOT CLICKBAIT)! ⋅˚₊‧ଳ ‧₊˚ ⋅

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Seventeen Thoughts on Being an Idol

Alright ya'll it took me months to finish this. It has been in my drafts forever, so going to post this finally. I will say overall this isn't the wildest, but some interesting tidbits, mostly from the older line. The younger ones did not want to say much, so not sure how accurate theirs are, because I felt like I had to guess theirs a bit more and they were confusing. I definitely enjoyed what the older ones had to share though.

S.Coups

What he likes? (The Empress) His ability to create the life he has wanted. The ability to create beautiful things. To just show his creative energy. There are lots of seeds he has planted. It is like the fruits of his labor has been nurtured and flourished. Creativity just flows through him as an idol.

What doesn't he like? (The Emperor rv) I love how we got the Empress and now the Emporer here. He may not like the lack of control he has as an idol. There is a sense he likes to have control of things and as an idol it may be hard, there is a lack of strategy and planning there is that he may not like either. He may also not like overcontrolling figures in the industry as well.

What has he learned/experienced in the past? (7 of Pentacles) He has kind of learned that he is stifled a bit. That there is a concocted image of him. That he has to be a certain way. That things move a bit slow, or there is a bit of stagnation here. He wasn't able to build upon something. It is like he has to stay in line and in place.

Thoughts on fans? (Strength) Love this card for this question. He sees them as strong. It is like they are his strength. As you can see, the card is represented by a powerful woman, and many fans are women. So, he respects their power and strength. They stand by their group no matter what. They are a pillar to the group.

I feel like I liked his responses the best out of any group I have done so far.

Jeonghan

What he likes? (Wheel of Fortune) It gets him closer to his goal. It keeps him moving. Being an idol is a positive direction in his life. He is always growing and evolving as an idol. It gives him the financial security he needs. He seems to feel he is lucky to be in the position he is in.

What doesn't he like? (The Empress) Interesting card here. Weird message, but I am getting a feminine energy may steal his shine or take his creative energy. Also, his creative work may not get noticed at all. It is like he puts the work in, but it goes nowhere. There could be an overbearing feminine energy here too.

What has he learned/experienced in the past? (Page of Wands) There was a curious nature to him, a need for him to get out of his comfort zone. He may have played it safe, but no longer wanted to do that. As an idol he is able to explore new territory. He comes off as a very cautious, timid person, but there is a passion for him to try more and do things that scare him a bit, so maybe that is what pushed him to be an idol.

Thoughts on fans? (The Magician) He believes they are skilled and talented. It is like he manifested them into his life. Having fans that adore him is something he has wanted. They bring him a lot of confidence. He also enjoys communicating with them as well. They may also inspire him to create. They just make him feel powerful.

Joshua

What he likes? (9 of Pentacles) Independent freedom. His ability to make his own money and to be able to enjoy the fruits of his labor. To spend the money, he wants. He enjoys all the success and what he was able to accomplish as an idol.

What doesn't he like? (Knight of Cups) He may not like being vulnerable or emotional. He may not like being emotional available to fans or acting like a romantic interest to them. He doesn't really like to wear his heart on his sleeve. Although, I feel he is a sweetheart. He may like to keep things casual than act all romantic and emotional.

What has he learned/experienced in the past? (5 of Wands) That it is a dog fight out there. You got to fight and compete to get where you need to be in this industry. People will need to fight and compete to get their place in the industry. Also, there are a lot of people with big egos. A lot of battles and arguments.

Thoughts on fans? (7 of Pentacles) I find this card so weird for what someone thinks of fans. He may feel they keep him in a box, they limit him. It is like they have a concocted image of him. He projects a certain image, but can't be his true self, a sense of stagnation here. This is not my favorite card to get for this question, but it is what it is, still love you. This is only one card, so this doesn't explain his thoughts on fans as a whole, but it does say a lot lol

Junhui

What he likes? (6 of Cups) The loving memories of the past. This may have been a childhood dream of his. It seems he focuses heavily on the past though. Like he may have enjoyed the beginnings of being an idol. The freshness of it all. It is like this dream was passed down to him. That doesn't make sense to me, but okay. There is a strong connection with his childhood here, it makes him feel like a child again. Weird, but okay Jun.

What doesn't he like? (Temperance) The calmness, the peace and tranquility. This is weird, why would he not like this, does he prefer things to be chaotic and messy? The fluidity of it, once again, just the messenger, not sure what that means either. Dipping his toe into something but not going fully in, like he may want to go all out, he may want things to be a bit crazier and wilder. Like things are a bit too calm for his liking, really!? How? Oh man, love these weirdos sometimes. I say that with lots of love.

What has he learned/experienced in the past? (9 of Pentacles) That has to be independent and stand on his own, to make his own way in the world. He will need to be vulnerable and expose a bit of himself to get there. Not sure he means literally or figuratively, or both. To always look for his best interest and accumulate all he can.

Thoughts on Fans? (The High Priestess) Not the witchcraft, spells card again lol He may be into spell work, or he thinks the fans are. He may find they obtain lots of knowledge about him, or he keeps things from fans, and doesn't like to share a lot about himself. He may also find them very intuitive. They seem to have sacred knowledge. I wonder if he knows about Tarot readers that read for them. He may know about it. He might do protection spells on himself to be honest.

Hoshi

What he likes? (King of Cups) That he can show his more emotional and vulnerable side. That he can put it all out there. I mean the KOC's in this deck is bare naked, so he doesn't mind showing himself. I mean he isn't going to get naked, but just the ability to be open and vulnerable. It is like he can pour his true emotions as an idol. I guess if he wasn't an idol he may not be able to do that. It is like he loves to give his cup of love to others. He may also like helping others feel better as well. There seems to be a lot of depth to him, but not sure we see that, not sure why that came up, but yeah, now I am curious about doing his perspective reading.

What doesn't he like? (King of Swords) This makes sense with what he got for what he likes, it is like the opposite of what he likes. He doesn't like people who just use intellect, tact and logic. People who lack compassion and emotional depth. People who like this a certain way and just aren't open or understanding to other people's opinion. This got to be the higher ups or something. People who are just cold to be honest.

What has he experienced/learned in the past? (The Fool) That being an idol is a journey, and that one will make mistakes and look like a fool. It is all part of the journey. He learned to wipe the slate clean and learn to let go and start over. He also learned to keep things simple.

Thoughts on fans? (King of Pentacles) He feel very generous and appreciated of the fans. He knows he wouldn't be as successful without him. That all he has is because of the fans. He may feel spoiled by them. They make him feel powerful, abundant and successful. He sees that they pamper him a lot and maybe they give him lots of gifts. He feels they take good care of him.

Okay, love his energy, so far this group answers have been my favorite with this series.

Wonwoo

What he likes? (The High Priestess) Umm, this along with his thoughts on the fans gives me a weird vibe lol Once again, this card is a very ritualistic card in this deck, witch crafty and spell work type of card, so there is hidden knowledge he knows that he likes. There are like things he is privy to as an idol. Sacred things, sacred knowledge wtf is this? Is there some book of spells they give these idols wtf

What doesn't he like? (7 of Wands) To have to fight for his place on the top, or to compete, the aggressive energy that surrounds him, or people always trying to take him down. It feels like he always has to have his guard up and defend himself.

What has he experienced/learned in the past? (Queen of Cups) There is a loving motherly figure in his past that he holds dear, not sure if this is his Mom, but I figure she would be the Empress, so this may be someone very loving and caring in his past that may have helped him out. And gave him a lot of support. Not sure why this is significant though.

Thoughts on fans? (The Druid) He may like the hold he has on them, this also gives me ritualistic vibes. Are they taught to put spells on fans?, because I legit think some do, not going to lie, not going to share why I feel that way though. Like to make them love them and buy their shit, to make them money. I swear this is a thing idgaf. Anyway, this is how I feel here.

Woozi

What he likes? (The Moon/8 of Swords) Sweetie what is this? I feel he is also someone that escapes things and the idol life is a good way to escape things. There is a mystery to him, something he may want to hide and he likes uses the idol life to do that.

What he doesn't like? (Queen of Cups) There could be someone he is at odds with. Once again, getting being offered things, like drinks. This is weird having a queen of cups as a dislike, this is a caring and loving person. I am starting to see why I forgot him. It seems he may be hiding things. Because he doesn't really make sense.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (Page of Swords) To defend his ideas or himself. Or that he has to keep some things to himself and not share a lot of information with others. To be cautious of what he says.

Thoughts on fans? (Knight of Pentacles) They bring him money lol They help support him financially. He is pretty matter of fact on that one.

Dokyeom

What he likes? (The Magician) He kind of likes the power he holds as an idol. He may like that he can manipulate things a bit. That he was able to create the life he wanted. He seems to like that he has the ability to showcase his skills and talents. To communicate that to the masses.

What doesn't he like? (Justice) He may not like having to keep a straight face or being stoic about things. Maybe he wished people were more emotional or weren't so matter of fact about things. That people play it safe and try to be too fair about things. I am confused about what this means to be honest.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (10 of Swords) Lots of betrayal, hurt, pain, tons of mental exhaustion.

Thoughts on fans? (7 of Cups) They can be a bit deluded lol I mean it seems he had a lot of love for the fans. He may daydream about them. I mean, he himself may be deluded about fans.

Yeah, he didn't really want to say much, I get it.

Mingyu

What he likes? (Queen of Swords) I am getting the power of his words. There is something about being able to inform people of things, observing and gathering information. Also, gaining knowledge and experience through this. He might like how cut-throat it can be. It is like he has information to offer wtf is this? This is a weird message for a like. Okay, looking at his dislike, he may like that he stands above all the cruelty and cut throatiness by rising above it and observing.

What doesn't he like? (5 of Swords) The cruelty, harshness of it all, backstabbing people. People trying to break you down. A lot of nastiness behind it all and cruel words.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (7 of Wands/Page of Wands) To stand his ground and be on guard. That he always has to defend and protect himself. That he should be cautious about how he proceeds with things. It is like he needs to keep himself protected. Abd also to protect his creative energy. Also, there will always be obstacles that may stand in his way, and that he should defend himself through these obstacles.

Thoughts on fans? (Wheel of Fortune) He feels fortunate to have fans. They help him grow and prosper. He would like to see continuous growth. They help him move up in life.

Minghao

What he likes? (Queen of Cups) Sharing his love to others. Giving light to others. Spreading love of some sort. He may also enjoy the love he receives. But he enjoys pouring his love to others.

What doesn't he like? (10 of Pentacles) Being a money maker for others. A money machine, a product for others. That is what he may feel he is for others.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (Strength) To find strength within himself. To tap into that divine feminine energy of being still, patient and allow his intuition to guide him. To find self-love and acceptance. All the challenges he may have been through has helped him become a stronger person. He has shown resilience through it all. He knows the power within himself.

Thoughts on fans? (10 of Wands) He may feel a burden, exhausted. Maybe just all the energy he as to put into pleasing the fans. I don't see this negatively, just that he carries a lot of the weight, or pressure on himself to do well for the fans, also all the work he has to do to keep the fans happy.

Seungkwan

What he likes? (6 of Cups) The lovely memories he made with fans and the members. These are things he can hold on to. Lots of lovely past memories. Also, the ability to live out his childhood dream.

What he doesn't like? (Knight of Cups) I think this may have to do with drinks they are offered. Or people pretending that they care. People being fake and showing fake concern. Or that he has to pour a lot of his emotions to others.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (Wheel of Fortune) That overall, he is fortunate and lucky to have what he has and that he needs to keep moving forward and pushing ahead. It is all about forward movement. I guess that is something he learned.

Thoughts on fans? (10 of Wands) Why does this keep popping up. They are burnt out and tired, maybe for all the concerts and performances and content they have to do, it is all draining and I guess he connects that with the fans.

Vernon

What he likes? (3 of Pentacles) Working with his members. Coming together as a team. That they all get along and collaborate well with one another. He enjoys the process of getting the work done with his team. Interesting like.

What doesn't he like? (The Sun) I always see this card as like the stolen youth card. Being treated like children. Not able to grow up and mature. Kind of being stunted in a sense. Maybe, not allowing his creativity to grow and shine and maybe flourish.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (King of Cups rv) Emotional turmoil, the industry has kind of made him numb emotionally, to kind of learn to shut it off and be a bit cold. To not really show vulnerable sides of himself.

Thoughts on fans? (Ace of Cups) He has a lot of love for fans. Is he going to pour his heart out to fans, share some emotional letter? Not sure why that came up. But this card is about pouring your emotions and love to the fans. But he has overwhelming love for fans. Cute.

Dino

What he likes? (7 of Pentacles) I guess he likes being manufactured lol It is like he may like having a certain image and upholding it. Weird card as a like. This is about someone whose image is created by others and someone stunted. Maybe he likes being told what to do and how to behave. It is less pressure on him. This I don't understand. He may like the curated image he has as an idol.

What doesn't he like? (King of Swords) A stubborn person, I just heard ignorant, okay. Someone who can be harsh with their words, someone who lacks empathy and emotions. Cruel and cold. I am thinking this is a person, but maybe, people like this. I am getting stubborn and ignorant.

What has he experienced/learned from the past? (Justice) To be fair, logical and smart about things. To not get overly emotional about things. To keep a level head and to not get caught up in sh** or messes. I am getting stay neutral.

Thoughts on fans? (Judgment) There is a baby on the card, does he think his fans are babies? Or he may think fans will judge him if he tries to mature or do anything outside the box or if he steps outside of what they expect, he may think they coddle and baby them.

Okay, took months to finish this, but finally got it done. I say the older members gave me much more tea. The younger members were a bit more silent or just don't really have tea.

[tarotwitchy]

Hi, you're one of the rare few people Ive seen do astro notes on parent-child synastry. What would you say a parents pluto conjunct the child's ascendant looks like? Specifically in virgo.

• PLUTO CONJUNCT ASCENDANT (IN VIRGO) •

When it comes to this placement in a Parent-Child synastry, you'd have to give back to the basics of how each planet (and the sign it's in) manifests individually and collectively upon each other.

A parent's Pluto in conjunction with their child's Ascendant always has something do with how the parent controls how their child presents themselves in public. In my opinion, this is one of the scarier aspects to have in a Parent-Child synastry chart.

The parent overly prepares their child on what to say to people, how to act, how to react, how to sit, how to eat, how to drink, and all that applies to public mannerisms.

Now, you may think, "well, isn't that just part of parenting? You teach your child how to build a public persona?" It is normal to coach your children. But with Pluto conjunct Ascendant, it can tip towards the minute things. There is a possibility that the parent may or may not realize their methods are overbearing, controlling, and that their word is absolute.

In extreme cases that I have seen in my public practice, I saw an 18-year old young lady still deferring to her mother on what to say to people when she's being asked about something. She'd look at her mother for social cues, how to react, what to say, if she should smile or not, if this is something she has to handle herself, or if her mother would take over the conversation. Pluto conjunct Ascendant is when the parent gives little to no wiggle-room for their child to explore their own space and public persona.

And in the case of this placement being in Virgo, it can even extend to the parent controlling what their child should eat, the quantity of meals, what kind of exercise and physical extracurricular activities they have, and even the kind of vitamins their child takes! (Yes, I have seen this happen). In the end, the child becomes either totally dependent on their parent, or they rebel altogether.

I suppose, a positive thing that could come out of this placement is if they have other strong positive placements to negate and sort of counter the effects of this one to a tolerable minimum—like Moon sextile Moon, or Sun trine Ascendant.

I've been on a two-year long hiatus, and I figured this could be a soft way to break that radio silence. And I hope this answers your question. Don't hesitate to ask more about this! I'll try my best to answer. 🙂

{masterlist}

Copyright © 2024 by TarotWitchy

[Do not repost, copy, or reword]

[anakliro]

In my narration, Solona and Hawke are acquainted and keep in touch. Leandra told her son that the Hero of Ferelden is "one of ours", i.e., she is an Amell, and since Garrett is also an Amell on his mother's side, this makes them relatives, even if distant. And considering that Hawke's family has been scattered across all corners of the world, there can be no “extra” sister for him.

Garrett did not hope to meet Solona for quite some time — it is very difficult to find a single individual, especially the one that is constantly traveling. But at some point he bumps into Alistair. And we can assume that if there is Alistair, then there is Solona somewhere nearby. Alistair tipped Garrett off about Solona’s approximate location, but warned him that she probably wouldn't stay in one place for long. And it turned out just so. Hawke couldn’t get to his sister in time, and when he arrived, Solona’s trail has already gone cold. Grey Wardens disappear as quickly as they appear, and most often they themselves do not know where their duty will lead them next. For a while, it was almost useless to look for either Solona, or Alistair.

However, eventually Solona found Hawke herself, without knowing it. Her investigation led her to a Grey Warden prison, where something big and powerful was being held, and it was bound by magic and the blood of a certain Hawke. And so this very Hawke, or rather his son, in alignment with the Maker’s strange sense of humor, appeared right in front of her that day.

And after a few minutes of investigation and identification, Hawke had another real sister. And quite a sister she was! The conqueror of the Blight!

They got along very quickly, Solona herself was pleased to expand her family circle, and her brother turned out to be a nice lad. Heavy-built, big-nosed, smart, and as kind as he is loud. And a mage, too.

They dealt with the Wardens and the Corypheus together then. After that, Hawke persuaded Solona to stay at the family estate for a while. Every day, taking breaks reluctantly and only, perhaps, to sleep, they talked. About life, about their family, about the events in the world and about magic, of course. Solona taught her brother a lot, learned a lot herself, and most importantly, agreed to get Garrett tattoos similar to her own.

He asked Solona for incantations to help him control magic better. Hawke is a collected man, but he’s passionate, temperamental, and his magic responds extremely easily to emotions, even controlled ones. Although Garrett had lived with this all his life and learned to control this feature, he was looking for an opportunity not to walk on blades every time he draws a spell.

Solona saw his magic in action. What impressed her the most was how powerful a force Hawke could deliver, and how little time it took him to cool off. How magic wanders around him at first, how the ground around him sways and vibrates, and before the moment of impact, even the air does not move. Such flow of magic is difficult to control, indeed, but Garrett was honestly doing great. Objectively speaking, Garrett could have coped without the incantations, but the Maker has gifted him the power, which, as Hawke thought, was exhausting him and which at some point might become overbearing and beyond his capabilities. He insisted, and Solona did not object further. On top of everything else, she also added strong protective and binding sigils to the whole composition. One to Hawke’s spine area, the other to his solar plexus.

Garrett was not mistaken in his decision. After getting the tattoos, he no longer had the feeling that his magic was trying to live a life of its own. It did lose a little in strength, but it became, let’s say, compliant. And thanks to that, Garret was able to further develop telekinesis, the calling card of the Amell mage sub-branch, which just vanished after first manifestation and returned to Hawke only rarely.

[fairyminnie444]

hi i hope this doesn't come off overbearing

i've been consciously manifesting for years and i know i ca manifest easily but lately I've been stuck in a loop of just not trusting myself or something i dunno what happened, I've been trying to get into the void state and i wanna shift realities but first i wanna manifest an appearance change including weight loss and my desired face and birth year changes, and i just cant i go everyday repeating this endless loop of feeling lost and dispersed and i suddenly don't wanna try manifesting what i desire i just wanna give up everything and idk what to do???

idk how to get out of this loop?? i tried to mediate and sit with myself and wait for an answer but nothing is coming up, do u have any guidance? i just wanna trust myself and be my own knowledge, i wanna trust that i have all the answers but my 3d is just showing failure and i know its coming from me just ugh idk do u know what I'm saying? i feel 100% lost and scared and depressed!

To break the loop of feeling stuck and lost, follow these steps:

1.Acknowledge the Loop: Recognize you’re in a cycle of doubt and frustration. Awareness is the first step to breaking free. ✅

2.Shift Focus: Instead of obsessing over how or when things will manifest, bring your focus back to what you want and feel it. Emotions are your guide.

3.Embrace Surrender: Let go of the need to control every outcome. Trust that everything is happening for you, not against you.

4.Take Small Inspired Actions: Even small steps toward what you want can shift your energy. This can be as simple as imagining yourself living in the desired reality for a few minutes each day.

5.Reset Your Thoughts: Whenever you catch yourself thinking negatively, quickly replace those thoughts with positive, affirming ones. “I trust this process,” “Everything is coming together,” “I’m already changing.”

6. Be Gentle With Yourself: Stop criticizing or judging yourself for feeling stuck. The more you resist the feelings of being lost, the more they persist. Allow yourself grace.

7. Move Energy: Do something physical—take a walk, dance, stretch. Physical movement helps clear stagnant energy and helps you feel more in control.

The loop breaks when you stop attaching emotional weight to it. By shifting your energy and thoughts toward positivity and trust, you’ll release the grip of the loop and start moving forward again.

[phoebe1013]

the Twelfth Doctor from Doctor Who being extremely obsessed with you Headcanons

🧠 Hyperfixation on You

Mentally Consumed by You: The Twelfth Doctor, known for his sharp intellect and restless mind, would find himself constantly thinking about you. He can’t concentrate on his usual Time Lord duties because his thoughts always drift back to you. You become the focus of his endless curiosity and fascination, a puzzle that he can never stop trying to solve.

Studying You: The Doctor would pay attention to every little thing about you—your habits, your likes and dislikes, the way you speak. He'd analyze everything, from your body language to the way you smile, storing it in his Time Lord brain like vital information. He knows your routines better than you do, and he makes sure to always be one step ahead of your needs.

🌌 Possessive Protector

Overbearing Protectiveness: The Doctor would feel an overwhelming need to protect you, not only from external threats like Daleks or Cybermen but even from everyday dangers in your own life. His obsession manifests in his constant hovering, even when there’s no real threat. If you so much as stubbed your toe, he'd rush in with his sonic screwdriver, determined to fix it.

Isolation for Safety: Believing no one else can truly protect you like he can, the Doctor would subtly push others away from you. "They don't understand the danger like I do," he’d tell you in his gruff voice, his intense stare unwavering. He’d justify it as keeping you safe, but in truth, it's because he can't bear the thought of you being too close to anyone else.

⏳ Time Manipulation for Control

Master of Time, Master of You: The Twelfth Doctor might use his control over time to keep you close. If you ever tried to leave, or if something didn’t go the way he wanted, he’d quietly manipulate time so that events always led back to him. He wouldn’t be open about it, but you’d notice strange things happening—time loops or déjà vu, all with the purpose of keeping you at his side.

Keeping You by His Side Across Time and Space: The Doctor would always offer to take you anywhere in the universe, but every trip subtly revolves around him, trapping you within his world. Even though he offers you freedom, it’s only the illusion of it, because wherever you go, he’s always there, ensuring you stay within his orbit.

🌀 Emotional Control

Emotional Whirlwind: The Twelfth Doctor isn’t one to wear his heart on his sleeve, but for you, his emotions would be a whirlwind. He swings between gruff, distant affection and intense, raw emotion that he struggles to contain. He often says things like, "I'm not good at this sort of thing," but his actions scream obsession—his inability to leave you alone, the way he watches you with those sharp, ancient eyes.

Emotional Manipulation: While the Doctor cares deeply for you, he may use emotional manipulation to ensure you stay with him. He’s a master at playing on your fears or emotions, using guilt or his own vulnerability to make you feel like leaving him would be catastrophic for both of you. “I don’t do well alone,” he’d say, eyes soft but intense. “Don’t make me go back to that.”

🔮 Dangerous Attachment

Fiercely Jealous: The Twelfth Doctor’s jealousy would be simmering and dangerous, though not always obvious. He wouldn’t confront others directly, but you'd sense a coldness in him whenever anyone else got too close to you. His sarcastic remarks might have a sharper edge when directed at people he perceives as threats. He may not say it out loud, but you can feel his territorial nature growing stronger.

Unspoken Possession: The Doctor would never say that he owns you, but in his mind, you're his. He sees your relationship as something beyond the ordinary bounds of time and space—infinite. Anyone else who tries to get close to you is just an obstacle, and he would make sure those obstacles are quietly removed, sometimes without you even knowing.

🛠 Constant Presence

Always There: You'd notice that the Doctor always seems to be around, even when you didn't expect him to be. He'd show up at your door, "just checking in" or “passing by,” though it’s clear he’s been keeping tabs on you. There’s an unsettling sense that he’s always watching over you, either in person or through the TARDIS’s surveillance capabilities.

Monitoring Everything: The Doctor would use the TARDIS’s advanced technology to monitor your every move, not in an overtly creepy way, but always under the guise of protecting you. He’d know where you are, what you’re doing, and even how you’re feeling, often before you do. You’d find it both comforting and suffocating to realize how closely he’s watching over you.

⚔️ Tactical Genius in Love

Strategic Planning: The Twelfth Doctor's mind works like a chess master, and his obsession with you is no different. He’d meticulously plan out every interaction, making sure every moment you spend together strengthens your bond. Even when it seems like he’s being spontaneous, everything is calculated to keep you close and invested in him.

Outwitting Rivals: If anyone shows romantic interest in you, the Doctor would subtly and effectively outwit them. He wouldn’t confront them outright—he’s too clever for that. Instead, he’d manipulate events or conversations to highlight their flaws, making it clear that no one can measure up to him. “Oh, they seem nice,” he’d say with a sarcastic smirk, before quickly pointing out their failings.

💀 Dark, Unspoken Desperation

Fear of Losing You: The Twelfth Doctor’s greatest fear would be losing you. It’s this fear that drives his obsession, the gnawing dread that if he loses you, he’ll fall into the loneliness and darkness that he’s spent lifetimes running from. This fear would manifest in controlling behavior—he’d always know where you are, always have a plan to keep you by his side.

Unstable Underneath: Though the Doctor keeps a tight lid on his emotions, his obsession with you brings out a more unstable side of him. His outbursts of anger, though rare, are terrifying—sharp, quick, and followed by an apology. His love for you is like a storm he can’t control, and when he feels you slipping away, the cracks in his calm façade begin to show.

🌠 Infinite Love, Infinite Loneliness

He Can Never Let You Go: The Doctor’s love for you is infinite, like the stars, but that love is also deeply selfish. He wants to be the only one in your universe, the one you rely on for everything. Though he knows it’s unfair, he just can’t bring himself to give you the freedom you might need. You are his—and he’s not willing to lose you to anyone, or anything.

Bound by Time: His obsession with you would make him willing to bend or break the rules of time to keep you. If it came to it, he would rewrite history to keep you safe—or keep you with him. Time doesn’t matter when it comes to his love for you. He would burn whole timelines to ash if it meant keeping you in his world.

[drgstrcowboi]

dating Dallas Winston head canons: wholesome edition

in my head, Dallas is a classic scorpio man who plays tough but is actually a big softy when you get close to him

obviously, he's very protective and everyone knows that

but sometimes that manifests in unexpected ways like wanting you to call when you get home safe or reminding you to eat/sleep/take care of yourself

sometimes his protective side feels a touch bit controlling or overbearing, but he does it because he's terrified of something bad happening to you

he's incredibly touchy/physically affectionate in private, but not so much in public

unless someone else flirts/shows interest in you and then he has to make it clear you're with him by wrapping an arm around you

he was super private and even a little standoffish at first

but once he opened up to you, it was over. he would share anything and everything about his life and how he feels from that moment forward

underneath his tough exterior, he's actually really sensitive

he learns to recognize small changes in your mannerisms/behaviors when you're mad/sad/upset

"Why are you picking at your fingernails like that, Doll? Is something the matter?"

he also has a creative side, which most people don't know

he draws little doodles/sketches, which he loves to show you

"What do you think of this one, Doll? I think I'm getting the hang of drawing skulls!"

so you buy him a sketchbook or little notebook to draw in, which he fills with random doodles of things that remind him of you

even though he shows you a side of himself he'd never let others see, Dallas still has his faults

he holds grudges sometimes, usually over small things that don't seem important to you

his mood can change seemingly at the drop of a hat because he's always got so much on his mind

"Dally, why are you mad all of a sudden?"

"I was just thinking about that prick, Shepherd."

"Well stop it, we're about to have dinner."

when something's bothering him about your relationship or about your behavior, he's very direct about it. sometimes too direct.

"You know, Doll, it really pisses me off that you used the last of my favorite soap! That stuff's expensive, don't waste it!"

"Geez, Dal, I was just taking a shower. I'm sorry."

"Well, bring your own soap over here since you stay the night so much."

once you start sleeping over, he clears out a drawer for you in his dresser. he wants you to keep some essentials at his place so you don't have to leave so often

maybe he even goes out of his way to get tampons/period supplies or a bottle of your shampoo for you to keep at his place

he wants you to feel comfortable there, so he tries to find out what makes you feel most at home

of course you feel most at home wherever he is

but one big way that Dallas shows his love is by learning what makes you tick, even the smallest things you might not even notice about yourself

everything from how you like to be held, how you like your hair played with, what makes you feel safe, to how many times you snooze the alarm clock in the morning or which pillow is your favorite

and you do the same for him. he recognizes the effort and clearly appreciates it even if he doesn't say it

like how he loves having his head scratched when he's laying in your lap and how you scratching his back helps him fall asleep

Dallas has insomnia and doesn't fall asleep easy so he shows he appreciates it by telling you how rested he feels in the morning

he's not one for grand romantic gestures, but he'll go the extra mile if he thinks you want him to

he's really good at reading people, especially you, so he always picks up on when you want him to be more romantic or put more effort into things like dates

at the end of the day though, it's all the small things about him and all the small things he does that make you fall head over heels

[praxieserver]

🎹 💀🍎 for Azi 👁👁

AZI! For reference, this is Azi, full name Aziraphale Page (soon to be Aziraphale Page-Pearce). Basically I gave danwil an ambiguously gendered bird child. They use any pronouns so go crazy!

Now to the questions!

🎹 - Do they have any hobbies?

Wilson has probably played the violin for them, and they've probably asked him to teach them, so they probably play violin. Actually between the 2 of them, Azi used to be the only one that played the violin, but I also liked the image of Wilson playing the violin, so now there's 2 motherfuckers who woefully play the violin when they wanna angst.

Unironically probably enjoys reading. Not like as book connoisseur, but like. Just reading. For fun. She'll sit on and armchair and read the newspaper like an old man and go "Ah yes. Peak entertainment."

She does the usual Hogwarts shenanigans such as duelling, going into the forbidden forest, making a club to ship your teachers with, the works!

Lastly, he probably also cooks fairly well due to Daniel's influence.

This is all prone to change aince Azi isn't as well established of a character compared to Wilson yet, but thats what I have on them at the moment! :]

💀 - Does your OC have any phobias?

Again, core character aspect I haven't thought through that well yet. However.

She probably has a very strong dislike of the feeling of not being in control/having no agency. (Like father like son amirite guys kekeke—)

Basically intheir Traumatic Backstory™, they're robbed of their personal agency, denied of their humanity, played as a puppet. So after escaping that, she'll definitely place a huge importance in being in control. Thus they'd probably have a really deep-rooted hate of the prospect of being pulled along a string/being caged/being used. This sort of manifest in an interesting matter since they end up coming off as manipulative themselves. As a little kid it's more them bossing around their 'minions' so they can make their favorite teacher slash canon but it probably gets a little more concerning with age. Nothing that bad though. Probably.

I phrase it more as something she hates rather than something she fears, but I feel like she just hates it more than she fears it. It's something she's willing and ready to face, even if scary.

So, for something she fears more than she hates: Showing vulnerability to someone she trusts, but getting that vulnerability taken advantage of.

🍎 - What is the OC's relationship w/ their parents like?

Very close and very good! Because Daniel as a single father who is also a good father is super sexy.

Ok but in all seriousness, they love Daniel lots. They're extremely grateful for him since he's the one to save them from their abusive situation, so she's uber protective of him and wants to return the favor of Daniel taking her in and caring for her. In the "Hey! Only I'm allowed to talk shit about my Dad!" kinda way. She thinks Daniel's a bit overbearing (and to be fair, he is) but she'd sooner peck your eyes out for so much as breathing at him funny than hating him for it.

They have that Parent Trying to be Strict and In Control vs Silly Shithead Asshole Kid kind of dynamic going on basically.

With """""Uncle Wilson"""""" who is definitely not having a decade long will-they-won't-they dance with Daniel that Azi definitely doesn't see at all, they're a menace as a pair. A pain in Daniel's ass. And face. They've drawn on his face countless time while he's asleep. They're also a pain to house, having nearly burned his kicthen down multiple times.

Wilson is more or less the fun """""uncle""""" to them and she lets her get away with things Daniel doesn't. He's basically a second father to her and a part of the family. And in fact she will get him into the family by making him marry her dad. Modern problems require modern solutions.

[prodigal-explorer]

anaroceit week - day two - liar liar

@anaroceitweek

prompt: theatre/mistake

relationship: romantic anaroceit

word count: 4.4k

(cw -> disordered eating, punishing oneself, hospitals, fainting, cursing, extreme self-hatred)

---

Roman had a bad habit of equating his worth to his successes. 

And his failures. 

Though his dear boyfriends tried to be supportive, they could never be louder than Roman’s mind, the voices that taunted his ears from the inside. No matter where Roman hid, they would always be there. The only way to get rid of them would be to saw off his own head. 

Wow. That was a macabre thought for 6am. 

But laying awake in the dewy, calm blue hours of the morning was a typical occurrence for Roman. He often found himself unable to sleep very well, though his boyfriends’ sleep habits weren’t much better than his. The only difference was that Janus and Virgil tended to stay awake by choice. 

Melatonin didn’t work anymore. It did at first, but now, no matter how many Roman took, he still found himself unable to sleep. His brain just refused to stop. 

“I get that,” Virgil said one day, when Roman told him about it. “It’s hard to turn your mind off when you just need to get some rest. Wake me up next time that happens, okay? I can help you.” 

Yeah, there was no way Roman was doing that and disrupting the little sleep that Virgil did manage to get. But despite this, he grinned and nodded eagerly. Because he was a disgusting, filthy liar. 

Janus thought that he could always tell when Roman was lying. He prided himself on it vocally, which was something that Janus rarely did. He usually had a more quiet, refined confidence about him. Everything about him was understated and completely in control. He could make people do and feel whatever he wanted, as if people were ripples in water, and Janus was just running his fingers to change the currents. Roman lost track of how many times that Janus flustered him to the point where he felt like a pile of putty in Janus’ expert, gloved hands. But every time he thought about being in Janus’ clutches, the idea of being rendered helpless in Janus’ all-knowing eyes, made Roman’s heart flutter with adoration. 

Yes, Janus thought that he could tell whenever Roman told a lie. Since he could tell just about everything else. But he was wrong. Over the years, Roman had learned how to bypass Janus, as expertly as a snake weaving through a bed of tall grass. It wasn’t like Roman liked lying to his boyfriends. He felt like the scum of the earth when he did it. But there was no other choice. He couldn’t stand to worry them, and Roman knew that if they found out about how cruelly his brain spoke to him, there would be trouble. 

Especially from Virgil. The man was strong, wonderfully strong (though not as strong as himself, Roman liked to think), and he was very protective over his boyfriends. Roman and Janus both knew that Virgil had a tendency to spiral, his anxious thoughts getting the best of him. And that anxiety usually manifested into an overprotective nature similar to an overbearing mother. But Janus and Roman were the perfect boyfriends for Virgil in that regard, both of them being quite desperate for attention, fawning, and doting at any given moment. 

Though all three of them weren’t perfectly functional in every way, they complimented each other beautifully. Roman didn’t know what he would do without Janus and Virgil on either side of him, holding him upright and being there for him when even his own mind wasn’t. 

            Which lead him to tonight. 

“Oh, Roman, your performance tonight was spectacular,” Janus gushed, hugging his boyfriend close the moment Roman stepped out through the stage door. 

Roman accepted the hug numbly, trying to hold back stubborn tears. How could Janus say that when everybody saw what he had done up there? Sure, perhaps it wasn’t an obvious mistake. Forgetting the words to a song for a second is an easy enough mistake to recover from. But Roman wouldn’t let himself forget. Not for the rest of the show, and not even after the curtains closed. 

Whenever he closed his eyes, he just saw the moment replay as if it had only just happened. He had been standing before an audience of 500 people, all eyes on him as he stood under the spotlight, hyper-aware of how it practically baked his skin. The words he had been memorizing every spare second for the past month whizzed through his brain like a hummingbird flitting haphazardly from left to right to left again. Roman knew exactly what he was doing, and there were no excuses. 

But when he’d opened his mouth, the words were moving just a little too fast in his brain. The lights were just a little too bright. Roman felt weak and faint, and as he looked around for Virgil and Janus in the audience, he made eye contact with both of them, frozen where he stood, desperate to just summon the words. He needed them. If he didn’t succeed, then what was all that rehearsal for? If he wasn’t perfect, then why did he even grace the beloved stage with his wretched presence? 

He’d found the words eventually, of course. But the orchestra had to vamp for three measures. That was unheard of. And through his peripheral vision, Roman could sense the stares of his fellow castmates in the wings. Every single one of them knew that he had messed up, and Roman had needed to work so hard just to prove to them that he was worth being in the same room as them. 

Now, all that work was for naught. 

Deep down, Roman knew that it was unlikely that every single member of the cast saw Roman as a parasite who was beneath them. But every harsh joke they made, every narrowed stare and eye roll, made Roman believe that it was true, no matter what the actual situation was. The bad spoke a lot more than the good, in Roman’s opinion. 

Roman could see that Janus was rubbing his back, and he could see Virgil’s lips moving, which insinuated that he was saying something. But his body felt fuzzy, like a blanket was covering it and keeping him from feeling outside movement with precision or accuracy. And his ears felt like they had been stuffed with cotton or pushed underwater, as Virgil’s words came out as messy, globbed up syllables. 

But Roman nodded, hoping it was the right thing to do in response to whatever Virgil said. From the way Virgil beamed, Roman could tell that he had somehow, despite the odds, made a good choice, and Janus gently started to guide him out of the theater. 

The cold air blowing outside honestly made Roman feel a little more human again. He could feel Janus’ hand on his back with a more solid sureness, and his brain was finally moving on from the endless flashback he had been enduring for what he assumed to be at least the last few minutes. But unfortunately, with this newfound freedom, his mind decided to move on to another loop. 

You aren’t eating. 

At first, Roman was a little confused. Why wouldn’t he eat? It was the end of a long show, and he was hungry. Besides, he was certain that Virgil and Janus had made him something at the house. They both loved cooking together and sharing their creations with Roman. Why would Roman deprive them of seeing his reaction to what they worked so hard to make for him? 

But even with this reasoning, the demanding voice in his head stayed firm. 

You’re not eating. You were awful out there. You need to make things right before you can have another bite of anything. 

So that was that. 

Roman wasn’t one to argue with himself for long. His gut was forceful, and it did whatever it pleased, no matter what all of Roman had to say about it. So when the three boyfriends got home and Janus offered Roman a steaming hot plate of fried rice, Roman played the tired card, rushing off and gulping down a large bottle of water before either of his boyfriends could hear his stomach growling. 

—

Sleep was impossible in this state. 

Even after popping four melatonin (technically, he was only supposed to take two), Roman found himself lying awake, his body wired and wracked with a strange sort of fear. As if he didn’t know who he really was. As if the person controlling his body’s movements wasn’t really him. It was scary, and this was Roman’s first time skipping a meal in a long time. What if something bad happened? 

His stomach gurgled, over and over, as if taunting him. Telling him he couldn’t do this. He was going to get up and eat and be absolutely pathetic. 

It was that thought, and that thought alone that kept Roman tethered to his bed, tossing and turning, and rendered unable to get a wink of sleep. By the time the next morning rolled around, Roman started to feel lightheaded from hunger and exhaustion, but in a way, it sort of felt good. When Roman realized this, he felt sick, despising himself for thinking such a wicked thing. How was destroying his body and his habits good in any capacity? 

It wasn’t good, but Roman walked past the kitchen, not even stopping for a drink of water. It wasn’t good, but Roman walked out of the door to go for his run without looking back. He’d never run hungry before, but that didn’t stop Roman from pushing himself to the limits, pushing through the air with such speed that it started to sting his skin. 

And for a moment, Roman felt like he was flying. Maybe he was. The area around him was hazy, and that was when Roman realized that he’d forgotten to put his contacts on. Oh, well. He didn’t deserve pretty scenery anyway. 

Roman’s stomach twisted as he ran and ran, his muscles trembling with fatigue by the time he made it back to the house. By now, he knew that Janus and Virgil were usually awake, so he had to go about this carefully. 

“Hey, Ro, you sleep well?” Virgil asked, approaching Roman as he came in through the door, pressing an ever-gentle kiss to his collarbone. 

“Yep, I slept great!” 

Roman fucking hated himself when his voice cracked. But miraculously, Virgil didn’t seem suspicious. 

“Jan’s making protein waffles. You’re gonna need a lot of strength for today.” 

Roman nodded. Not only did he have a show tonight, but he also was planning on helping his brother move into his new apartment. 

But when Roman thought of bringing a waffle to his lips, of ingesting it and having it sit in his stomach, he felt disgusting. That would remove all the progress of the previous night. It would make it all for nothing. He had to keep this going and see how long he could hold out. If he couldn’t even last one full day, then was he really worth anything? 

“Sorry, I’d better get going early,” he said, ruffling Virgil’s hair and going into the kitchen to hug Janus. “Remus will want me there bright and early so we can finish unloading before call time. I’ll eat with him.” 

Clearly, miracles were possible, because Janus believed Roman’s bold-faced lie. Remus was probably still asleep right now, and would be for the next two hours. So when Roman pulled his hair up into a bun and slid on his sneakers, guilt clawed at his chest as he thought about his two oblivious boyfriends, not knowing that Roman was only leaving to avoid the food that was being made at the house. 

Roman didn’t even take the car. He ran. His lungs burned, and the flying feeling wasn’t as exciting this time. Now, it felt more scary. It felt like Roman didn’t have any control over his limbs, and being unable to feel the ground beneath him, Roman worried that he might hurt himself. But he pressed on. He had to be strong enough. It was just running. It was nothing bad or impossible. He did this every single morning. 

Remus’ apartment was on the other side of town, so it took half an hour for Roman to run all the way there, even when he refused to rest or take any breaks. By the time Roman made it to the complex, his heart felt like it would explode out of its chest, and his legs felt like they were still running, even when they weren’t moving anymore. Shakily, Roman stumbled over to the nearest bench, sitting down and finally letting himself relax. 

“Ro! Hello?? Roman? Can you hear me?? C’mon, don’t pretend to be asleep just to ignore me, that’s my thing!” 

Roman blinked awake, not even realizing he had fallen asleep until he noticed how he was lying down on the bench, his face and stomach facing upwards. Remus’ gray-green eyes, glinting with mischief, were staring down at him. 

“What’re you up to, Sleeping Beauty?” Remus teased. “Why are you here so early?” 

“I just felt like surprising you?” Roman lied weakly. 

Remus quirked his eyebrow, clearly doubtful, but he didn’t say anything more about it, hauling Roman to his feet and opening the trunk of his rusty old pickup truck. 

“It’s not a lot of boxes, but it’s enough to be a pain in the ass,” Remus reported. “I’m glad you’re here. If I had to move all these all by myself, I’d go insane.” 

Roman could still feel his muscles quivering, but he forced a smile and nodded. It was just a bunch of boxes. How hard could it be? 

The sun was blazing hot, and the sweat dripping down Roman’s body started to cling and stink. Annoyed with himself, Roman realized that he had forgotten to wear deodorant. At least he was in his brother’s company. As sweaty as Roman smelled, it was highly likely that Remus stunk even worse. Every so often, Roman had to pause, put down the box he was holding, and wipe his palms and forehead with his shirt, just to keep himself from losing his grip on any of Remus’ possessions. 

And as Roman took each trip to the apartment lobby, going up the elevator to the ninth floor and then going back down and towards the pickup truck again, each box started to feel heavier and heavier. Roman knew he was decently strong. He could lift both of his boyfriends, and usually, he was the one in charge of moving heavy things around in the house. 

But today, everything was taking more and more effort. Regardless of the horror pooling in Roman’s chest, he kept going. He had to convince Remus that everything was okay, and he had to convince himself that everything was okay. He could survive without food. Lots of people did it. Once Roman couldn’t hold out anymore, he would tap out. But he couldn’t stop playing this twisted game with himself. A test of survival. Only the strongest could win, and Roman intended on winning. 

Finally, the twins were nearing the end of the unloading process. Roman picked up the third-to-last box, and started to walk, sighing with relief as the cold, air-conditioned air hit him. He started to feel strange and fuzzy as he got off the elevator, walking down the plush, carpeted hallway to get to Remus’ apartment. His hands were numb, and he found that he couldn’t control how they held onto the box. And then, the box started sinking. 

Even though the apartment was cool, Roman started to feel very, very hot. He wiped the sweat off his forehead with his shirt again, and set down the box, leaning against it and struggling to catch his breath. But as he tried to get up, Roman realized that he couldn’t. Every limb felt like it was being pushed down by a metal blanket, too heavy for him to effectively resist against. And his mind soon grew as numb as his hands as his vision blurred, and it was harder to hear. 

The last noise Roman recalled was the beeping of the elevator climbing up and down floors. And then, he closed his eyes. Just to rest them. 

Just to rest them. 

—

The first noise Roman recalled upon waking up was a sound that made Roman want to curl up under the covers and hide once again. 

It was the unmistakable sound of Virgil sobbing into his hands. 

Blinking, Roman tried to get a feel for where he was. Everything was bright and cold and strange. And white. Strikingly white. 

“Am I dead?” Roman asked himself, and he heard laughter beside him. 

Snapping his head as quickly as he could, Roman found himself face to face with a laughing Janus and a teary-eyed Virgil. Remus was talking to a tall woman wearing a white coat. Roman wondered what they were talking about. 

“You’re not dead, you silly goose,” Janus said affectionately, “But you almost were.  Do you know what’s going on right now, Ro?” 

“How should I?” Roman asked dumbly. “I just woke up. 

Virgil took a deep, shuddering breath, and then, he started to explain. 

“You passed out. Right in the middle of the hallway. Remus freaked out and tried to wake you up, but nothing was working. So he called 911, and, well, I guess we’re all here now. The doctors aren’t sure what happened. One thinks it’s heatstroke, while the other thinks it’s something to do with malnutrition, but-” 

Fear struck through Roman’s heart, making him shudder from top to bottom. 

“It was probably heatstroke,” he interjected abruptly, his words falling on top of each other in their haste. “It was hot outside, and I was dumb. I didn’t bring enough water.” 

“Couldn’t you have gotten some while you were eating with Remus?” Virgil whispered. “Why didn’t you?” 

Because he didn’t eat with Remus. 

Unfortunately, Remus heard this piece of the conversation and wandered over towards the bed Roman was propped up in, the woman in the coat trailing behind. 

“What’s he talking about?” Remus asked with a slight scoff. “We haven’t eaten together since we graduated. You’re always whining about how messy I am.” 

“What?” 

Janus’ eyes widened, and he turned to face Roman with intense ferocity. 

“You didn’t eat with Remus today? Then- why did you say you would?” 

Roman scrambled to come up with an acceptable response. 

“It just slipped my mind! I fell asleep and-” 

“You fell asleep?” Virgil whispered. “But you told me you slept really well last night.” 

“Sometimes- a…a prince needs-...more beauty rest…?” 

The desperation in Roman’s voice was giving him away. Virgil let out a tearful scoff and took a few steps away from the bed. 

“I can’t even look at you right now,” Virgil muttered, his teeth grit. 

“I just don’t understand!” Janus outburst, “Why did you lie to us, Roman? What the hell is this whole story about? You leave at seven in the morning, and you don’t even eat with Remus?” 

“You left at seven?” Remus asked, his eyes widening. “I didn’t get there until noon! I told you I would be there at noon at the earliest. Why did you-” 

Roman hadn’t even realized that he had been asleep on the bench for that long. 

“Another lie!” Janus exclaimed with a bitter laugh. “Another. Lie. Roman, you’d better come clean and do it now. Unless you just want me to assume the worst, which is getting easier and easier to do with each passing second.” 

Something broke inside Roman’s mind like a dam. Janus had set him off. 

“Oh, you want the truth?” Roman asked with a loaded laugh that made Janus shudder. “I’ll tell you the truth.” 

Immediately, Janus intertwined his fingers with Virgil’s, squeezing his lover’s hand gently. Roman’s heart ached for both of them, but he also felt a strange sort of reverie. He didn’t regret a single thing he’d done, except pass out in front of Remus. If he’d only waited until he was out of sight to let his body give out, then maybe he would have been able to hold on for a little longer. Maybe he would have been able to get closer to winning the game, and finally making up for how much of a failure he was. 

“I didn’t want your waffles,” Roman said, his words clipped and almost hostile. “I didn’t want to eat anything. I needed…I needed to prove myself. Last night can never happen again. I need more discipline. I need to be more successful.” 

“But Roman, you fell asleep before you could even have dinner last night,” Janus said. “Why would you go for even longer without eating?” 

“Because I have to!” Roman shouted, starting to laugh. Suddenly, all of this felt very funny. “I have to beat this game! If I do, then I’ll get forgiven! I won’t have to think about what happened last night anymore because I’ll know I’m strong! Come on. You can’t tell me you’ve never thought about it. Pushing yourself to the limit to see how far you can go. Don’t treat me like I’m some sick freak just because I’m stronger than all of you combined!” 

“Roman, you sound insane,” Virgil whispered, his voice wavering. “Did you even have lunch yesterday?” 

“A light brunch,” Roman mumbled. “It was all we had time for before rehearsal.” 

“Great,” Janus said, cutting through the awkward silence that had been created as a result of Roman’s gut-wrenching answer. “You’ve been starving yourself for almost an entire day because- you’re playing a game with yourself? How can you say all this and then expect me not to think you’re going crazy?” 

“All because you messed up a little line in your little play?” Virgil added, his voice still quiet. “Why are you killing yourself because of one mistake?” 

“Because I had no excuse!” Roman cried out. “I worked for weeks on that show. I made sure everything was perfect right down to the letter, and on the one day where it mattered more than anything, I messed up. It was pathetic.” 

“It was not pathetic,” Janus insisted. “It was human. If you’re starving yourself over making such a small mistake onstage, how do you handle it when you fuck up big time?? How long have you been hiding this game from us??” 

“This is my first time with the eating thing,” Roman mumbled, his face burning with indignation. He hated being talked down to like he was a child. “Usually, I take away other things. I go on my run barefoot. I don’t let myself drink water during rehearsal. You don’t get it because you’re perfect, but I need these games. I need to win to feel like I’m worth…something.” 

“If I may interject…” 

The woman in the coat showed Roman her nametag. It read Dr. Andy. Roman wondered if Andy was her first name or her last name, but he thought it best not to ask at this moment. 

“It sounds like you have some obsessive compulsions,” Dr. Andy said softly, her voice carrying not a hint of judgment. “You seem to feel a need to punish yourself whenever you make a mistake. Is that correct?” 

“That’s what I just said,” Roman muttered, rolling his eyes with what he knew was the utmost immaturity. He was too tired to care. 

“Well, yes,” Dr. Andy continued, “And these games, as you describe them, all risk your physical wellbeing. When did you start doing this?” 

“I don’t remember a time when I didn’t,” Roman said, keeping his gaze fixed on one of the metal rods below the hospital bed. “My earliest memory was tearing up all my shirts when I get yelled at by my mom for…I don’t even know what for.” 

“She thought you were just throwing a temper tantrum,” Remus whispered. “So did I.” 

“But it wasn’t,” Dr. Andy said. “It was a ritual. You put yourself through these things because of some subconscious superstition buried in your complicated, obscure mind. A lot of people have this problem, more than you know. Not all eating disorders come from body image issues.” 

“Hold on, this isn’t an eating disorder,” Roman interrupted, sitting up in the bed. “I skipped two meals. That doesn’t mean anything.” 

“Well, the way you snuck around and lied about all of this suggests that you’ve done this sort of thing before, even if you say you haven’t,” Dr. Andy explained. “Perhaps you blocked it out of your memory in childhood. Or you did it during college without realizing it. These things can build up into something dangerous if you don’t put a stop to it while it’s still growing.” 

“Whatever,” Roman scoffed, “It wasn’t dangerous. I just fell asleep for a few minutes because it was hot out.” 

“Roman…” Remus spoke gravely, which was very atypical of him. “You were asleep for two days.” 

Two days. Two days?? 

“You mean I missed yesterday’s show??” Roman demanded, “Why didn’t you wake me up?? Why didn’t anybody-” 

“You think we didn’t try that?” Janus asked. “This is a medical emergency, Ro. Even if we did manage to wake you up, I would not feel comfortable sending you onstage in this state. Your blood sugar’s low, you’re weak. You know you can’t do this sort of thing in your condition.” 

Roman stopped speaking. He stopped fighting. It was four versus one, and frankly, Roman was too tired to keep retaliating and battling. He just let the words wash over him. 

Worried.

Terrified. 

Therapist. 

Treatment. 

Supplements. 

Monitor. 

Watch. 

Meal Plan. 

Roman wanted to die. Why did Remus have to call 911? Why didn’t he just leave Roman in the hallway?? 

“Roman, baby, please don’t cry,” Virgil whispered. 

“What are you talking about?” Roman asked, bringing a hand to his face. “I’m not-” 

A fat teardrop splashed onto Roman’s fingernail, proving him wrong. 

“Darling…” Janus’ previously stern voice gave way for something much more nurturing as he held Roman in his arms, cradling the man back and forth awkwardly. “We’re going to work on this. All three of us are going to help you, Roman. We don’t want to see you in pain. We don’t want to see you being punished, even if you think you deserve it. We want to help. We all…just want to help. All you have to do is let us.” 

“Okay…” Roman whispered, and as Virgil hugged him from his other side, he finally let himself sob. “Okay.”

[thereviewstudio]

I’m Glad My Mom Died- Jeanette McCurdy Review

Image taken from Entertainment Weekly.

Rating: 5 / 5

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

A heartbreaking and hilarious memoir by iCarly and Sam & Cat star Jennette McCurdy about her struggles as a former child actor-including eating disorders, addiction, and a complicated relationship with her overbearing mother-and how she retook control of her life.

Jennette McCurdy was six years old when she had her first acting audition. Her mother's dream was for her only daughter to become a star, and Jennette would do anything to make her mother happy. So she went along with what Mom called "calorie restriction," eating little and weighing herself five times a day. She endured extensive at-home makeovers while Mom chided, "Your eyelashes are invisible, okay? You think Dakota Fanning doesn't tint hers?" She was even showered by Mom until age sixteen while sharing her diaries, email, and all her income.

In I'm Glad My Mom Died, Jennette recounts all this in unflinching detail-just as she chronicles what happens when the dream finally comes true. Cast in a new Nickelodeon series called iCarly, she is thrust into fame. Though Mom is ecstatic, emailing fan club moderators and getting on a first-name basis with the paparazzi ("Hi Gale!"), Jennette is riddled with anxiety, shame, and self-loathing, which manifest into eating disorders, addiction, and a series of unhealthy relationships. These issues only get worse when, soon after taking the lead in the iCarly spinoff Sam & Cat alongside Ariana Grande, her mother dies of cancer. Finally, after discovering therapy and quitting acting, Jennette embarks on recovery and decides for the first time in her life what she wants.

Told with refreshing candour and dark humour, I'm Glad My Mom Died is an inspiring story of resilience, independence, and the joy of shampooing your own hair.

McCurdy is probably best known for her role as Sam in the sitcom iCarly. After quitting acting, she turned to writing and created this amazing memoir that paints the real picture of her life as a child celebrity. In the beginning pages, an all-grown-up Jeanette McCurdy is watching her mother in a coma, while witnessing her three brothers whisper to her parent in hopes of waking her. When it’s the author's turn to address her mother, she tells her that her weight is 98 pounds- the goal her mother wanted McCurdy to reach.

This is the first sign of the emotional, physical, and mental abuse McCurdy suffered at the hands of her mother. This tells the reader what book they have signed up to read: a heartbreaking memoir about a woman trying to find a balance between violence and love.

Recently, abused celebrities, such as Paris Hilton, have taken the stand against the physical and mental abuse they endured growing up. This display of honesty shows their vulnerable side and ensures the reader's belief in their statements. 

McCurdy is not stating I WAS ABUSED, she is attempting to navigate the difficulties she went through as a child and if she owes her mother anything. She includes her child-self’s P.O.V. and recounts her thoughts ‘I’m glad mom gets what she wants’, as it was earlier than dealing with the tantrums her mother threw regularly. Another heart-wrenching anecdote is when McCurdy realises she has hit puberty and her breasts are coming in, something which should be avoided to stop weight gain. She asked her mum to ‘stop the boobies coming’, and she helped her with the secrets of losing weight- calorie restriction which turned into a multitude of eating disorders as McCurdy got older. The author has a special talent for putting the reader in the child’s shoes, making them feel and see the whole innocence behind asking for a mother's help. 

The author has taken time to remember the arduous stages of her life and translated that into an understandable text for the reader. This memoir is an absolute triumph and credit to McCurdy and an excellent read that I highly recommend. 

[lullabyalikpoptarot]

Sunghoon and Jungwon Dynamic Reading

Disclaimer: No facts, all alleged. This is my interpretation of the cards.

Okay, time to get to these two. I haven't really paid attention to this duo as much. I don't particularly see these two have a good friendship chemistry, but I can hope to be wrong and hope this is a lovely bond.

Overall energy: Not looking too bad overall from this spread. They start with the House 9 card; this indicates a need for spiritual growth and expansion. They may need to help each other or inspire one another to grow or challenge themselves a bit, maybe they help push each other in that way. This is kind of nice.

Now, we got to the Empress energy. This is about learning to create the life you want, so they both may help foster that creative energy and push one another to do that. I see both caring and tending to another. Helping each other in times of need and being able to depend on the other. They both seem to be pretty flexible with one another and are both willing to learn from another. I just see them caring for another a lot. I like this energy a lot from these two. There is just a lovely, abundant, nurturing energy between these two.

Sunghoon's energy: Not surprised to see Sunghoon get the 10 of Swords. I believed this popped up in a dynamic reading I did for them in an ask. Sunghoon seems to deal with a lot of mental stress and anguish. And it seems to present itself in this dynamic. His thoughts tend to limit or block him from doing the things he wants to do.

I see Sunghoon wanting to make a life of his own. Create an abundant life. Make his own way and money in the world. I do see him as someone who prefers his quality time alone. So, I don't see these two spending much time together. More so they observe and take care of each other in times of need.

I see him trying to use his skills to manifest the life he wants. Maybe Jungwon helps give him that confidence and boost to do so. I don't see Sunghoon wanting to share too much about himself. He seems it hard for him to express what he truly feels. He seems shy and timid and only shares a bit of who he is. There is a curiosity to Sunghoon about Jungwon or just things in life. He may ask him questions about things but doesn't always go much deeper. He tries to keep it more surface level. It is like I see him starting a conversation and being a bit awkward, but not really going any deeper or further than what he is comfortable with.

Jungwon's energy: There is delusions and uncertainty when it comes to Jungwon. Either he doesn't see Sunghoon for who he is or he tends to put on a facade, not too sure about where he falls here. It could be both. But this gives me not seeing things for what it is. I hear smoke and mirrors.

I am also getting putting a mask up, so they both could do that for another. It seems Jungwon seems to be more of the person who tends to Sunghoon as he is representing as the Empress in his spread. He may do things to care for Sunghoon. It is weird that I am getting he may treat him as if he is his child.

I can see they have a cute sibling bond. These two tend to try to keep it light and fun. He may treat him like a sibling from time to time. There is something about his Mom and his childhood that he may wonder about, maybe this is where this Empress energy is coming from. He may see the effect his Mom may have on him, interesting.

I think he may want him to break away from his Mom's control and grip. I think she may be the reason why Sunghoon is stressed af all the time and why it shows up when I read for them. He sees the stress he goes through and may see it stems from his overbearing Mom. This is why The Empress came out in the beginning. This is about his Mom, wild. So, it seems Jungwon is very observant and aware of his struggles and may want him to find his way and his own independence.

Oh man, that turned into a twist of events. This is probably one of my favorite dynamic reading so far. I really can't wait to dive into their parents, because it seems Sunghoon's Mom like to show herself a lot. Anyway, this is what I got from them.