#it just feels very psychologically *real*
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It feels like you're being kind of self infantilizing when you draw yourself all small and cute and then talk about how you don't kiss your partner with tongue. I don't know. It just feels weird and almosy creepy. We're not children. Why do we have to act like such children when it comes to intimacy and how we represent ourselves?
Well, that definitely isn't the goal. I always draw all of my characters on the small side, and it's kinda accidental but I ended up drawing myself short because my partner is on the short side, and it just turned out to be a body type that I associate with nice things, so it just... Happened when I was looking for a character to draw myself as. Didn't even hit me it was out of me liking how my partner looks and that I basically "stole" their looks til like... Months later somehow. I'm lucky it doesn't upset them 🙈
Also uh... Sorry I don't wanna stick my tongue in someone's mouth and that it took me a while to be comfortable with kissing on the mouth at all? ...Nah, wait, actually I'm not sorry, that's just who I am and that's my experience, just like other aces are down to tongue-kiss. Everyone has different experiences and everyone's deserves to be seen and heard for what it is, not what it should represent. And each of them are valid, needless to say.
Lastly, I'm pretty freaking open when it comes to me being over 30. I have "very old" in my bio because it feels like that's how that age range is perceived online, and I've drawn several comics about how I don't like to be infantilized, and how it's important that I'm open about my age because it shows orientation isn't a "phase". So... Yeah. Obviously. We're not children. But I of all people don't need to be told that, thanks.
#anon#infantilization#asexual#...i actually don't even know how to tag this#anyway yeah aside from not drawing me and my partner as our real appearances to preserve our intimacy everything i say i just how i am#sorry for being sincere about my own experience sheesh#ps: another possible psychological reason for me drawing myself small is i have a very low opinion of myself and feel small as a person#thought that might be fun to mention too
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wanna ask how you feel about the eridan bpd headcanon/theory(?? not sure what to call it!) you're so good at your character analysis and i'd love to see your outlook on it
Since I don't have a degree or any formal training in psychology, I feel deeply uncomfortable diagnosing characters. I've made an autism joke before but only because I'm on the spectrum. He's definitely traumatized and anxious, but I mean those as descriptors of his behavior rather than capital-D Diagnoses. I try to focus on those when I can - the cause and effect of cognition, self-image, and behavior - and those factors may very well match up with DSM criteria, but I try not to touch an actual diagnosis with a ten foot pole unless the author has explicitly stated that X character has Y condition.
#there's a variety of reasons for this#part of it is that im GROSSLY unqualified to be handing out diagnoses when it takes a full on PhD to do that in real life#part of it is that psychology is inchoate and we are still very much in murky waters#for example: complex ptsd isn't even IN the DSM yet#and iirc my therapist told me it was because theyre still figuring out how to classify it (attachment disorder? trauma disorder? etc.)#part of it is that (from my limited and undereducated understanding) there are diagnoses that you can assign by completing a checklist...#but some that require a hell of a lot more testing and ruling out other potential causes#and the cluster-b personalities are (IIRC) not even ones you're supposed to diagnose minors with#bc of fears of self fulfilling prophecy and because minors in general are still developing personalities In General#and like the fact that i can't say that with authority speaks to how unqualified i am to do any diagnosing right? hahaha#and part of it is just because like#unless the story is specifically About That and the author has stated so explicitly#i think diagnosing characters tends to put blinders on analysis#like if i were to seriously go 'eridan is autistic' then it would massively bias my reading and understanding of his character#and we have 0 indication that eridan was ever explicitly intended to be autistic or that the author was trying to do an autism specifically#that doesn't mean that the reading is invalid because like thats what death of the author means#all readings are technically valid including stuff the author didn't necessarily intend#but that's just not the way i like to engage with media and not the way i like to approach character analysis#because PERSONALLY it just feels kind of reductive - but also -#i'd wager MOST of us don't have degrees in psychology#so when i say 'X character has Y condition' it might mean something totally different to somebody reading my analysis#even people who have Y condition aren't exempt because a lot of mental illnesses differ from person to person#whereas if i explain “X character has Y thoughts and Z behaviors” there's no ambiguity in that#eridan struggles with noticing that people are suffering and with realizing that he should care#at least part of this is due to his horrific murder-filled upbringing which rendered empathy a detriment & so he learned to ignore it#it could be autism - but it could also be trauma -#or he might just be Like That without actually meeting the diagnostic criteria for autism#& you can't even technically be diagnosed with C-PTSD#or maybe he has a burgeoning personality disorder but you aren't supposed to DX those too early anyway#or maybe hes just 13. see what i mean hahaha. ive reached the 30 tag limit
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Hi bat!!! I was the motogp beginner anon from a while back... About a month later and working my way thru old races from 2000 I have accidentally developed a deep and profound fondness of Sete Gibernau... is it fair to say he is THE prototype for everything Vale did to his later rivals? Your posts on him and their relationship are everything to me - they have given me much to think about, and also facilitated the brain rot! Any thoughts on their 'reunion & make-up' from 2014 onwards?
hi!! I really hope the race recs tag was useful lol, despite my obvious failure to actually finish answering that ask. and omg a sete convert!! it really is going to be half a dozen people soon, exciting times. I'm going to put a pin in the 'reconciliation' half of the ask because the other half was already long enough... and I decided to focus here on valentino's actual tactics rather than his emotions. I still think the sete rivalry did lay the emotional groundwork for subsequent rivalries - but I don't currently have all that many more thoughts from what I said here, here, here, here, here, here, and here (lol)
so yeah, I think the sete rivalry functions as a mix of a prototype and a warning - and it's the first bit I'll be talking about in this post. valentino does have a few rivals pre-sete who he has at least a little bit of tension with - biaggi most infamously, but also jorge martinez and harada in his 125cc/250cc days. and while all these rivalries are formative in their own right, they also come with a certain... spontaneity. valentino makes a flippant comment about biaggi to some reporters, a feud is born as a result. it's kind of the training wheels feud - valentino's just saying shit really, he's provoking biaggi sometimes deliberately and sometimes less so, it's all very earnest and youthful and unrestrained. while he's already a natural communicator, he's a lot less skilful in actually using the media to his own ends, to pursue an agenda or press home an advantage. he's just reacting to every situation as it occurs, leaving us with a feud that consists of mostly isolated flashpoints. that isn't to say there wasn't a sense of escalation - catalunya 2001 and its fistfight beckons - but it's missing a narrative arc... and the reason for that is that valentino is not quite yet exerting his authorial hand on events. obviously valentino is not, in fact, a god and isn't exerting perfect control how each rivalry unfolds - but it is noticeable how many of them end up having such a scripted feel to them. sometimes, this stage-managing didn't work out for him and he came out second best when the dust had settled - but more often than not, he played it to perfection. hence the nine titles
and it's that narrative autonomy that really becomes a feature of valentino's game during the sete rivalry. at first, this magic touch isn't really maliciously wielded against sete... they're not enemies, they're still going on holidays together, valentino is just using sete as a sounding board to work through some things. the stakes in 2003 aren't as much directly competitive as they are psychological - despite 'only' having a 29 point advantage 9/16 rounds into the season, valentino was probably always going to be fine on that front. he's not worried about losing the title... but he is feeling unhappy at honda, he is frustrated with how much he's being criticised, he hates to lose to sete. and so, he uses the humiliation of his sachsenring loss that immediately preceded the summer break, twisting it so that it becomes an inflection point of that season (and also that rivalry). he does all the mind games hair dyeing and decides to sign for yamaha and all of it, and then he bounces back to claim the victory at brno by .042s. where he does his extremely on the nose prisoner's celebration to perfectly define what that season was all about - he's breaking free and taking control of his own story. zero subtlety whatsoever. and that's the climax of the season... like, he's crowned champion in sepang (where he crucially brings back the prisoner celebration but indicates with the novelty lock that he is now free), and his defining victory that year is probably at phillip island... but essentially, his arc that year is resolved at brno. after that, he's reaping the rewards
this is still valentino playing it on easy mode relatively speaking but it's kinda freak behaviour to just decide he 'won't be taking any more prisoners', as he puts it in his autobiography, and then basically stops losing. uses his fury to drop fifteen seconds on the field in australia. remember this is the first time he wins valencia too, because he needs to say goodbye to his bike the correct way or whatever. okay
sete is a little bit incidental to the narrative that year - they're mostly just setting the stage for what's to come. we do get little hints... suspicions on valentino's part (whether founded or not) that sete was taking this competition business rather seriously after all. valentino's remarkably out of character face of thunder after losing at the sachsenring. how they're both playing off this rivalry as so so different to the valentino/biaggi fiasco... they're different, you see, they're friends! you can be rivals and respect each other. it's all fine. sete mainly functions as a plot device to put pressure on valentino - a new consistent rival emerging, one who wasn't supposed to be the challenger, a little older and smarter and without much of a track record of success. not the guy who should be challenging valentino. valentino is generally very pro the concept of rivals, even when he's obviously attempting to destroy them. he's aware that they're part of the show, that you need a great rival for a great fight, that beating the very best is what it's all about. also, obviously, it's an important way of motivating himself. valentino is made better for that sachsenring defeat, for having to sit with his mistake at the very last corner, for knowing he should have won that race and had allowed it to slip through his fingers. for that first half of 2003, he's all over the place, error prone, emotionally a bit of a mess - he's been winning so much, it really isn't hitting the same way anymore. he hasn't been winning the right way. sete reminds him of just how much valentino hates to lose. and valentino learns the lesson gladly
now, 2004 doesn't have quite so neat a turning point, and instead features multiple moments where valentino acts to take control of the season. the drama starts early, at welkom, featuring a bit of a biaggi cameo appearance at a time where biaggi was no longer valentino's major rival (though he does still feature in that year's title fight). as valentino describes in his autobiography, he knows demanding victory of himself and his team wasn't a realistic expectation for that race - but sometimes, you just have to tell yourself a story, engage in a little self-delusion... and, hey, maybe you can turn that delusion into reality. after that, it looks for a little while like that success might have been illusory, like valentino might be on the back foot on his weaker bike after all, with sete's back-to-back victories at jerez and le mans. and then you get another inflection point - the trio of races, mugello, catalunya and assen, where valentino takes control of the season after duelling with sete for the victory back-to-back-to-back. each race comes with its own special significance, from sete's rain dance comment at mugello and alleged yellow flag infringement, to his defeat on home turf at catalunya, to his inability to successfully play the gracious loser at assen. the cracks are appearing in the friendship, yes, but valentino is also wrenching back momentum to his side in rather a dramatic fashion. from then on, it looks like he might be able to see out the season in a straightforward manner
except, of course, he can't. because then you get qatar. I do increasingly feel like I have a fairly good grasp of what Really happened, but that's for another time... the key point is that it's a humiliating experience for valentino, both the penalty itself and then the crash, and it's one where he completely loses his head in a fairly uncharacteristic manner. plus, he hurt his pinkie finger. valentino could have emerged from that weekend cowed and chastened, having to backpedal on some of the... more creative remarks he'd made about sete. clearly, sete was expecting that valentino would do so - or at the very least not continue to escalate the hostilities. and it is during that sepang 2004 weekend that valentino's stage managerial skills are truly allowed to shine. the high drama of the presser, valentino's refusal to concede any ground to sete as sete had to realise in real time he'd wandered into the wrong genre and his previous close friendship with valentino counted for nothing. valentino's subsequent domination of the weekend, the imperious form as sete buckled when the title was in sight. the cruelty of valentino's celebrations, making sure to properly twist in the knife while he had the chance. title fight back on track
after that, of course, comes the process by which valentino unravels sete entirely. he presses home the advantage at phillip island, taking quite a few risks to snatch the win from sete on the very last lap - he did not have to win the race to win the title, but he did so anyway because he needed to beat sete. call it an investment for the future. the opening round of the following season brings with it the rivalry's single most dramatic moment that... well, it doesn't quite end the rivalry, as discussed in this post sete does still have plenty of chances to win in 2005 - but essentially valentino ensures at jerez that he will have an enduring psychological advantage. a victory that really should never have been dramatic! valentino learned his lesson from the sachsenring, he wasn't trying any dramatic last lap overtakes. he overtook sete with three laps to go at jerez, which should really have been that. as detailed in this post, it's his last lap mistake that even necessitates that dramatic final corner overtake. now, as it happens, everything works out perfectly for valentino. losing a home race like that on the final corner is absolutely brutal, valentino's deftly played post-race theatre and the perception that sete didn't stand up to him only makes things worse. valentino was always going to win the 2005 season, but he ensured in the very first race that there would not even be a title fight. but again! crucially! valentino was not planning this! the last lap of the race was very much not what he was intending to happen - it was an error on his part that could have easily cost him the win in rather painful a fashion that started all of this. valentino is ready to risk a crash when he shoves it up the inside of sete... his desperation is key, but so is his lack of planning
so that's where we're at with the sete rivalry... high drama, all these turning points and on-track and off-track theatre that coalesced into a narrative - of which valentino was the master. it feels different from the biaggi rivalry... this isn't just two guys that hate each other, it's a story. and when you frame it in those terms, when you speak to how it feels like valentino is flexing his authorial hand in helping these events unfold... well, then you do start seeing the blueprint for subsequent rivalries. the 2008 and 2009 seasons have a key similarity: a single race that completely changed the momentum of the season, remembered in part for a single highly memorable overtake that valentino inflicted on his title rivals. so if you take that trio of races - jerez 2005, laguna 2008 and catalunya 2009 - you're in a situation where valentino's three most famous overtakes weren't just fun or memorable in their own right, but fundamentally changed the dynamic of their respective rivalries. which... I mean, that feels unlikely, right? sometimes, dramatic races just happen - there's no guarantee they're going to completely transform the rivalry as well as the season. once can happen to anyone, twice is pretty striking, but three times? bit odd innit
I've already talked about this a bit here:
and I've just posted about this in considerable more depth in the context of the 2008 season, which we'll circle back to later. it's one of the most interesting seasons in terms of how the momentum shifts happen over the course of the year, which is why I've detailed the build-up to laguna in considerable detail on this blog. see posts on mugello, catalunya, donington, assen, sachsenring, and laguna itself. here's a basic overview of how the 2008 season unfolds:
the key turning points are valentino getting to grips with the bridgestones, the post-race catalunya test where ducati finally gets their shit together, and then the race at laguna. I don't think you quite get the sense of how dramatic a turning point laguna was if you just look at the results - it's important to emphasise that despite still being behind in the points, casey was the title favourite headed into that race. the idea was that once casey and ducati got going, we could easily be in for a repeat of 2007. just total domination. casey wins those three pre-laguna races very comfortably, having basically led every single practise session throughout those weekends. by the time you get to laguna, it's his fifth straight pole position. even if valentino comes in second to casey every single time for the rest of this season, the points gap is at this stage still way too small for that to work out for him. if you told someone before the race at laguna that casey would win every remaining race that season - sure, it wouldn't have been likely, but it definitely would've been seen as plausible. quite frankly it would've been seen as plausible even right after the race at laguna itself, as is reflected in the discourse in the immediate aftermath of the race
in 2009, the title fight is looking extremely open headed into catalunya. valentino is actually third in the standings before that race, behind casey and jorge - though of course nobody knew at the time that casey would not be in title contention for much longer. there is again this slight sense of valentino having his back against the wall... horrendous race at le mans, then brings it home to third in a similarly messy race at mugello because he knows he can't afford to be throwing away any more points. which... losing at mugello? the race he'd won seven times in a row? the one race in a season where you could reliably pencil in valentino's name as the winner, even if he often achieved his victories in rather chaotic a manner? the italian press was not happy with him, and even less so when jorge beats him to pole at catalunya. there are several references in the race commentary to the italian press writing valentino off, calling him washed (to paraphrase), which is objectively a teensy bit of an overreaction but. y'know. getting consistently beaten by your younger teammate is just not a good look. valentino needed that win at catalunya, both him and jorge desperately wanted to beat each other in a direct duel - and all in front of jorge's own home crowd
which, again. it all just feels scripted, doesn't it. that's what we're coming back to here - this feeling that from the sete rivalry onwards, valentino somehow manages to control the narrative to such an extent that things just keep perfectly working out for him. he wins both laguna and catalunya, everyone remembers those as two of his greatest victories - not just because he needed the win but because of how he executed them. the corkscrew, catalunya's final corner... these defining images that have outlasted the context of the seasons in which they happened. and crucially - crucially! they actually do manage to completely change the profile of their respective seasons. 2009 is a bit messier, though broadly speaking valentino is in control of that year's title fight post-catalunya. let's bring back 2008's results:
that laguna to motegi run? absolute sicko behaviour. casey is the faster rider at the very least in laguna, brno and misano. motegi is valentino's title-sealing race. valentino isn't really the title favourite anymore headed into laguna, and he literally does not lose another race until he wins the title. competing against prime casey. how does that happen, right
so that's the case for sete being the prototype: it's the authorial intent that's striking in these subsequent title-winning seasons, something that originated with sete. you just have these races where it's like valentino draws a little red circle around the date on the calendar and goes, 'okay, this is my momentum switch race'. like sepang 2004, his back is against the wall and he manages to change the complexion of the title fight in a single weekend. like phillip island 2004, he won't be denied his fairy tale victory. like jerez 2005, a single dramatic overtake permanently changes the rivalry. which is all well and good, but there's an obvious follow-up question. how is valentino doing this? why do his rivals not simply say no to being woven up in his dramatic narratives? why is he being allowed to pick and choose his momentum switch races? how does he keep getting away with this...
and it is at this juncture that I will present my five-step plan to playing god in local motorcycling competition, a foolproof (mostly) way of ensuring that the fates intervene on your side. here goes:
choosing the occasion
going in with a plan
playing the 'joker'
milking the moment
bite harder when the opponent is already bleeding
there you go. that's the lessons he learned from fighting sete that later allowed him to script his rivalries. I've cracked the code
let's go through them one by one. the thing is, valentino really did pick his momentum switch races in both laguna 2008 and catalunya 2009. obviously, he couldn't have predicted things would've worked out quite so perfectly for him, but he wasn't just playing it like any other weekend. and both times, he made a great call. at laguna, it's notable that he tells his confidantes he does not intend to let casey win the eve of the race - aka after qualifying has already taken place. laguna might be a track casey was incredible at the previous year and valentino had a rather mediocre record at, but at least valentino knew he'd be lining up right alongside casey. he still needed to get a decent start, a metric in which casey is exponentially more accomplished than valentino, but at least it was theoretically possible for valentino to be in casey's vicinity (unlike at the sachsenring). the track layout of laguna also lends itself to the kind of race valentino was intending to execute in a way that, for instance, the next race at brno just wouldn't be as suited for. laguna is narrow, fast, scary - not a great track for overtaking. which makes defending against a substantially faster rider a way more feasible proposition than it would be on the considerably wider brno track. laguna was also just before the summer holidays, which is kind of a great time to inflict a humiliating defeat on your opponent - you're making them sit with the defeat for a few weeks, rather than letting them wipe the slate clean a few days later. (some might say it's preferable to immediately have more races so you can strike while the other party is still vulnerable but, well, that kind of summer break gap is fantastic for lasting psychological damage.) plus, the mismatch between casey's and valentino's laguna record was such - the momentum casey had built up was so considerable - that absolutely nobody was expecting valentino to challenge for the victory. more detail on the pre-race chat here
biblical levels of over
so yeah. this is obviously easier said than done, but there's really no better race to win when the pre-race rhetoric reads like that. catalunya 2009 has a similar combination of circumstances that make it the ideal momentum switch race... like laguna, it's when valentino really really needed a win. unlike laguna, it's a circuit where valentino has an excellent record at - and has been known to win quite a few duels in his time (as well as lose a rather memorable one to casey two years ago). it's also a circuit where jorge is strong, and unlike with laguna it's no real surprise that the two of them will be fighting for victory. a good circuit for racing and crucially also one that is good for valentino's racing - obviously, it's the last corner overtake that lives on in everyone's minds, but valentino has made much use in his time of his ability to brake particularly deep into the infamous turn one. and of course, it is jorge's home circuit. after beating valentino at his home track at the last race, there is nothing jorge would have liked more than to win in front of his own fans. he's even got a special livery... his celebrations if he'd won that race would have been something to behold. no better time to beat him... even better that there was a moment when jorge will have thought he already had the race won... like casey, element of surprise - just at a different point of the weekend
so, onto the next step. going in with a plan. again, obviously valentino could not have foreseen either of his infamous overtakes unfolding exactly as they did - but it is a case where you can trace back the overtake itself to his intentions going into the race. it's not just a complete coincidence he happened to pull off these specific overtakes in the most dramatic manner possible in what happened to be very important races... in both cases, the overtakes were a logical consequence of valentino's pre-race planning. at laguna, valentino knew that he could not allow casey to get away in front. the entire race was built around the single principle that he had to discard his preferred approach of shadowing his opponents, and instead had to go all in on disrupting casey from the front. by the time the corkscrew overtake happens, lap four, it's also pretty clear where each rider is strong and where they are weak. for all the fighting between the pair of them, casey doesn't actually cross the line of any single lap in first position. that's because valentino knows that casey cannot be allowed to do so - with the ducati horsepower and casey's own skill, casey is inevitably stronger out of the final bend and into the first corner. if casey is allowed to lead there, it's basically game over. all the overtakes in that race between the pair of them happen in the bits of the track that are at or before the corkscrew - and the corkscrew is the last bit of the track where valentino has an actual edge over casey. so, if you've committed yourself to beating casey whatever happens, if you know that you cannot allow him to lead out of the final bend and you're basically on your last chance to prevent it, if you've committed yourself completely to that strategy... well, you're going to stick it on the inside of your opponent, come what may. obviously it still takes a lot of skill and luck for valentino to survive that off-track excursion, but it is essentially a more dramatic repeat of the overtake he executed on lap one. it's a consequence of actual strategy, not just spur of the moment genius
with catalunya, if anything it's even more straightforward than that - valentino tells reporters afterwards that he'd been visualising that final corner overtake in the week leading up to that race. obviously, he would have preferred not to be behind jorge at this point of the race but... well, he knew he had an ace up his sleeve, if he could just pull it off. and he knew he could pull it off, because he'd executed that exact move on casey two years before - as casey jokes about in the presser - just not on the final lap. obviously this is also a case of dramatic irony very much haunting jorge - who, for reasons that remain mysterious to me, went around the week before that race telling reporters that whoever was leading into that part of the track would have the race won. jorge's mental rigidity and his refusal to defend the line properly headed into a corner he assumed valentino would have no hope of overtaking him in is what cost him that race victory. so again, like with laguna, obviously this could very easily have not come off for valentino, obviously it could've gone pretty disastrously wrong. but also... well, valentino had thought about the possibility of needing that move before the race, he was mentally prepared, he'd already tried it out a couple of years earlier - it didn't just come completely out of nowhere
the next step is pretty simple. 'joker' refers to this clip of valentino talking about having bonuses... these moments each season where you can risk a lot and go beyond your limit. don't try your luck too often, but you've got to have a few times where you go that extra step. this obviously doesn't really make sense in terms of like,, tempting fate, that's not how probability work - but it is useful in terms of the underlying psychology. this way of allowing valentino to let go of any inhibitions, to ignore any considerations for his own safety, and instead make a deal with fate... these are the races where he will do whatever it takes to win and he trusts that fate will have his back. and yeah, various races that have been mentioned in this post must surely fall in this category. phillip island 2004, where he makes daring last lap overtakes in the penultimate round of the championship - if he crashes, he's going to have to try and wrap up the title at his bogey track. catalunya 2009 - that last corner overtake could easily, easily, easily have gone wrong, and left valentino in the extremely awkward position of having taking out both himself and his teammate to leave their chief rival with a cushier championship lead. both valentino and especially jorge have alluded to the risk of that move... yes, it's not discussed in quite the same terms as jerez 2005 or laguna 2008 - there was nothing wrong with the move, no contact, it was completely clean. but but that didn't make it any less risky
and the most obvious example is, of course, laguna 2008. valentino has straight-up admitted he was willing to do whatever it takes to stop casey from winning that race, which could easily have involved taking out both of them at a downright terrifying track. it's part of the reason why casey took so poorly to valentino's conduct - less than the actual moves, it is the mindset behind them that was so objectionable to casey. valentino made a bargain with the universe that he would ride without any fear or caution on a track that generally tended to make him quite nervous (didn't even think the corkscrew was suitable to walk down, mind you) - and it's that bargain that allowed him to throw the bike down a terrifying blind corner into the direct path of his title rival. which is all well and good, but. uh. casey didn't get to sign up for this
then you've got milking the moment, which is such a key element of immortalising these races. at sepang 2004, valentino has his nasty pre-planned sweeping celebrations to make fun of sete. at jerez 2005, it's all spontaneous - he's reacting to the animosity of the crowd and hamming it up with absolutely zero restraint. pumping his fist, waving at the crowd, jabbing his finger around... the drama of parc fermé, the fourth wall break to take the piss out of sete's injury en route to the podium, the performative celebrations to really stick it to the spaniards on the podium. the way valentino makes use of his celebrations as another weapon in the psychological warfare arsenal is discussed a bit in this post, including with a pretty lengthy section on the laguna 2008 celebrations. the key bit is that he already knew the lap four corkscrew overtake would be everyone's defining memory of the race - so that was the thing he immediately paid tribute to
the post also discusses how he behaves around casey in the immediate aftermath - how he just will not leave the poor bloke alone... it's something valentino doesn't really do with rivals who have just lost a race, he's not that type of confrontational character. which partly reflects the specific shape of his relationship with casey, but most importantly comes from an awareness that casey is not doing himself any favours with any of his post-race reactions. like, yes, valentino is clearly having fun teasing casey - but he also knows that casey is going to get shit for this behaviour, and the more of that is caught on camera the better. valentino even gets such a lovely rise out of casey when he interrupts casey's tv interview - giving us casey refusing valentino's handshake with cameras and microphones conveniently at hand - that he deploys the exact same tactic with jorge at catalunya 2009. to jorge's credit, for all that he clearly was very pissed off with valentino's celebrations, he manages to play it cool in front of the cameras and puts in one of his better performances as the gracious loser. which (beyond reflecting how valentino feels towards jorge vs casey) probably also helps to explain why valentino wasn't bothering him for the rest of the podium ceremony - it is jorge who pulls valentino off the podium to give him a proper hug, not vice versa
still, catalunya 2009 is in the same camp - because jorge and his team were pretty vocal in the 2010 title-winning documentary how irritating they found the triumphalism of the celebrations valentino and his team put on. again, it's valentino going full ham - yes, valentino likes his celebrations, but he does generally like to play it a bit more cool and jokey and above it all... not shaking his fist about so ferociously you worry he'll throw himself off the bike. there's also of course the lovely little touch of valentino securing his 99th win at catalunya 2009, a sign that the fates may actually for real be on his side -
- which, like with the corkscrew at laguna, is of course something valentino had the presence of mind to pay attention to. more discussion of this too in the 2008-10 jorge/valentino rivalry post
so yeah, milking the moment. making sure everyone remembers the race - and everyone remembers the best bit of that race. making sure it hurts as much as possible for the opponent, whether that takes the form of consistently hounding them or just being incredibly triumphalist in front of their home crowd. if possible, have a stab at letting them stitch themselves up as publicly as possible
might not be a lesson valentino learnt directly from how sete's reaction at jerez 2005 in parc fermé was seen as inadequate - but it's the kind of thing that does make you understand the importance of The Moment. these immediate reactions matter... valentino could play the gracious winner easily enough, but his rivals might well have been doomed whatever they did. sometimes it's about ensuring your opponents only have bad options, right?
and lastly. all of this would have been completely pointless, just an utter waste of time, if valentino had then gone off to crash in the next three races. this feels like one that's flirting with stating the obvious - yeah, no shit, it's better for you to keep up momentum after your big momentum switch race than to lose it again. but it is key! if you're making such a big fuss about your big dramatic win, then you've got to lock in and actually make them suffer... hurt the opponent when they're already bleeding etc etc. again, the 2004 playbook is instructive here - valentino promises sete won't win another race, and then he locks in to win the next three himself. one pretty comfortably after tormenting sete all weekend, one after a dramatic last lap battle, and the last at his bogey track (the final time he won there in his career). in 2009, this isn't all that spectacular - valentino wins the next race reasonably comfortably, but also... y'know, it's assen, he's good at assen, jorge has a more complicated record there. does allow him to secure his 100th win at the first time of asking. the other key moments that season is pulling off the sachsenring win by 0.099s (a margin he didn't commemorate but I'm sure he noticed), the misano win after the indy flopfest where he did the donkey ears celebrations, and doing such a good job phillip island pre-race that he managed to spook jorge into a first lap error. catalunya is the clear turning point that season, but valentino is also helped out by how casey becomes increasingly competitively irrelevant after that point. who knows how that season would have gone if casey, who obviously had not been psychologically affected by catalunya, had still been healthy. 2008 is more clear cut in that regard... I've just put out a post that discusses in plenty of detail how the immediate post-laguna stretch goes horrendously wrong for casey, but of course it is pretty notable that casey has his first ducati race crash at laguna and then immediately follows it up with another two out of the lead at brno and misano. it is also a span of races that is EXTREMELY relevant to the thesis of this post, since the writing around those races repeatedly pays direct tribute to the idea of valentino the storyteller:
or valentino the witch, whichever you'd prefer
as I repeatedly stressed in that post, there are absolutely other reasons why casey just happened to have that particular string of poor results - ones that have nothing to do with valentino's ability to exert pressure or cook up nasty spells. obviously, a big caveat in this entire discussion is that however you slice or dice it, the way all of this unfolded for valentino still involves a heavy helping of good fortune. but, well, you make your own luck!! valentino built a reputation for breaking his opponents off the back of putting a curse on sete - which means that by the time you get to casey, you've got people speculating about whether valentino is using black magic on the guy. it's a reputation valentino built on merit, but it's still one that acquired a kind of mythical status... and valentino was able to use that in its own right. those infamous skills of putting pressure on his opponents - ones that for a while there had extremely noticeably (and worryingly) not been working on casey. pick your fighter, a voice in your ear whispering to you mid-race or an invisible hand prompting you to make errors
and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you write your own sports narratives. make your rivals despair in five quick and easy steps
IN CONCLUSION. obviously there's also other ways in which sete served as the prototype for later valentino rivalries - again, plenty of this blog has been dedicated to detailing the emotional repercussions of that feud and how it may have affected valentino's approach going forwards. but!! I wanted to take a different approach in this post and really just focus in on the actual sporting implications... how interesting and intricate momentum is in terms of its sports psychology, how adept valentino is at deliberately picking and choosing his moments to rewrite the narratives of a given season + rivalry. momentum is one of the most important psychological aspects of competition and obviously valentino is hardly the first athlete to be particularly skilled at twisting it to his advantage, but you have to give him credit for doing so in such a dramatic and also fun manner. not everyone can use curses to ruin their rivals
and yes, of course valentino did get lucky for some of these races to go so perfectly for him - you cannot plan the corkscrew overtake or that final corner catalunya drama, and both of them are so risky he would rather have avoided him. but on the other hand, yes, I still think there's enough evidence here to suggest he also made his own luck. very accomplished in using the psychology of competition to his advantage! and a lot of it did start with sete - the first rival against whom valentino wasn't just reacting. what valentino did to sete was more than that... it was about taking control of the narrative. a lot of what valentino did to his subsequent rivals, especially in the context of winning the 2008 and 2009 title fights, can be traced back to tools and tricks he first started wielding against sete. sete was the emotionally fraught trial run - what valentino did in 2008-09 was the actions of a man who had already mastered his craft
#i actually have a hot take about the current season related to this but i cut it out since it's only borderline relevant#incredible that the first paragraph was a belated response to the other ask and now this post is also in itself a belated response#my inbox.... help.... she's very sick.....#ik this blog has wandered off in a pretty casey-centric direction recently but trust i am always thinking about sete...#just more in dm's than on this actual blog. but like. feel free to come chat about him!! seriously!!#//#brr brr#curse tag#heretic tag#wall tag#batsplat responds#aloexy#i come from THE momentum sport - like maybe other sports think this but they're all wrong. it's definitely mine#so obviously i have spent much time thinking about momentum... on a way more micro level than here#and there are people who think momentum isn't real. but the thing is <3 they're wrong <3#valentino really is for the sports psychology nerds. he's for the girlies who picked up their copies of 'winning ugly' age twelve#to pick an example completely at random. of course
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Hey did I ever tell y'all about the time I dreamed that I had a baby daughter called Ellie that began with my finding out I was pregnant and ended on like her third birthday?
I legitimately woke up thinking "I should go check on Ellie" and then realised she was never real and when I tell you I SOBBED. I've been haunted by an implacable sense of loss ever since. Did I travel to another dimension? Wtf happened because that was insane.
#I'm not even joking when I say it felt REAL#I have this baby doll (it was my mum's when she was a kid and I have it now) that sometimes I just hold and it makes me feel better???#Did I astral project into another life?????#Was it just a really fucking intense fever dream??????#For the record I was like fifteen I have never even done the do let alone had a pregnancy scare#But yeah my little Ellie#And she never fuckin existed#I woke up halfway through planning her birthday party like baking a cake or sm and I was thinking#“I'll give her the little green cardigan I knitted”#Woke up to a silent house and was like “she's never usually quiet this time in the morning”#Then realised what had happened and started CRYING#idk man it's insane#From a psychological point of view it's fascinating but I've tried and tried to analyse the dream and?????#I always come up with something different???? I can't pinpoint the actual cause and effect of the whole thing?????#Madness honestly#And it was just a normal day too nothing weird had happened it wasn't a coma and I wasn't knocked out it was just a Dream#A very very real one#For the record I don't think Ellie had a father#I think it was just an immaculate conception that nobody ever questioned#Might have been IVF now I think about it#That would make more sense#dream#weird dreams#Ig I should add a grief trigger warning???#tw grief#one time i dreamt#Very confused and it's been like two years so wtf yeah that was... Intense#The most dream of all time#Maybe I'm just fucking insane lol but yeah
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"Richard Henry Dana [author of the 1840 memoir 'Two Years Before the Mast'] experienced firsthand how the morale of a ship's crew could deteriorate to the extent that even the slightest incident might be perceived as a horrendous, unbearable injustice:
"A thousand little things, daily and almost hourly occurring, which no one who has not himself been on a long and tedious voyage can conceive of or properly appreciate - little wars and rumors of wars,- reports of things said in the cabin,- misunderstanding of words and looks,- apparent abuses,- brought us into a state in which everything seemed to go wrong."
- In the Heart of the Sea, Nathaniel Philbrick
#Just found this quote really interesting today#I've thought and written a bit before about the psychology of being trapped aboard a ship and surrounded by other people#How difficult that alone must have been even without all the additional horrors - both real and fictional - the Expedition faced#I'm still so interested in that psychology#In the need for every man to somehow carve some kind of private internal space for himself#To compartmentalise and be alone with his own thoughts and feelings#And the way - clearly - things really could boil over in close quarters if one couldn't create that personal space#Just some thoughts anyway#I'm very much enjoying In the Heart of the Sea and would thus far recommend#Quote#Observations#Meta
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it’s so wild how there’s still people who say c!dream wasn’t obsessed with c!tommy like. like you do realise that’s fundamentally just saying c!dream isn’t abusive with extra steps right. like abuse isn’t just a Bad Person Thing that people do for no reason it is in fact part of a mindset. abuse comes from entitlement and possessiveness like abusers feel like they're owed whatever they want from their victims whenever they want it and any time they’re not being actively controlled is theft of something that rightfully belongs to them. that’s like the fundamental thing that Makes an abuser. and that counts as obsession in my fucking books. like either you’re saying c!dream isn’t an abuser in a convoluted way or you’re arguing he did it for literally no reason which is like. that is worse. you know that causing pain onto people when you believe they don’t deserve it and know you’re causing severe psychological damage is in fact even more one note evil villain than the psychology of abusers that exists In Real Life right.
#At this point I’m convinced if anyone so much as mentions abuse is a real thing that has been studied and we know the psychology behind it#and how that might be relevant to Analysing An Abusive Character some people just instantly explode#like. at that point you're just saying the sky is in fact never blue and everyone who says otherwise is a nonce. it’s so stupid#like if the only way you can feel justified in liking c!dream is to completely ignore he’s a serial abuser i don’t think you like him?#and abusers do in fact act very possessively over their victims. c!prime is tame in comparison to some real life examples#relying on someone as your emotional support punching bag is in fact obsessive. and that is what abuse is.#if c!dream is not obsessed with c!tommy you are arguing he's either fundamentally not abusive#or you’re arguing he was made with zero research or realistic and sensible motives#and neither like? are good looks?#Abuse tw
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i think the stock market in its entirety is such a flop....back to grain markets.
#sorry i know this isnt really the topic for my followers#but imagine me trying to say this to my pretty wife who is deep into psychology and special ed academia....she just doesnt need to be burde#ed#so essentially i was watching a breakdown of current crypto trends bc i do that often sorry#and i just.....crypto is basically the absolute boiled down end of what the stock market did to businesses#instead of making. a business that does anything for society....they're made to be valuable to sell to the consumer and then itll literally#never be as valuable again?#thats why tech companies are struggling and its all bullshit. its literally just everything isnt made to work its made to be sold and thati#crypto is just abunch of losers who think theyre smarter than everyone else selling nothing to eachother... and literally why?#its like. wework wanted to be a valuable tech company so bad their frankly basic idea of communal workplace real estate#got fucked from over-valuation and scammy shit bc they want to sell stock#stock selling is like. hypothetical representations of a company that you gamble with right that should have its worth defined by the#performance of the business....in theory. but its all propped up by who ever is buying into it and why and also stupid bullshit#jergoiejgoie hahahah i have a lot of feelings about how stupid financial markets are and very little respect for them
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Smiles at you, devilishly. This but with the guy who starts with a A and wakes up or whatever.
youuu..... wheng i GET you
this makes me realize i really am a sucker for characters that have lots and lots of problems. my favs always end up being freaks that i would write entire dissertations on for a psychology class and this man is no different. they could make entire psychology courses devoted to the mind of this 1 guy and the many horrible decisions he has made. i am captivated by him and he deserves so much better but he also deserves the torture labyrinth just a little bit. u know how it is. hes just some guy but also hes a metaphor for mental illness but also hes a metaphor for artists block but also hes a metaphor for addiction but also hes a metaphor for how capitalism corrupts art but also none of that matters cause hes kind of a loser. every time i think about this guy i feel compelled to write an essay. freak behavior. he is an extremely well written and fascinating character but never in a million years would i ever want to meet this guy in real life. i got my own problems to deal with hope he gets to talk to a therapist in the third game or whatever but thats not MY problem.
hope this helps :thumbs_up: (im normal)
#asks#thank u for offering me a chance to be insane for just a second . it is very much appreciated#i love literally all the characters in the games but he is the main attraction at the zoo and i understand why.#observing him safely from behind the glass with my hands behind my back pondering solemnly#him in the first game i would strangle in real life. sorry but deserved for the stupid tough guy persona he puts on#then u find out oh actually this man has severe psychological problems. and then that hits the fan in the dlcs#and THEN it gets SOOOO MUCH WORSE in the second game and im like OHHH my god dude u kind of sucked but u didnt deserve this#and now i feel bad for the guy cause this was always there just hidden underneath the surface.#going back to the first game with the knowledge of the 2nd game just makes him so much more pitiful . another essay on this man please
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it's funny that now that i don't really have much about my body to be dysphoric about my brain makes up psychological dysphoria and it's so dumb
#''oohh only people who are attracted to men but are slightly scared of what they deem real men (not you) will be attracted to you''#''or those people AND chasers AND ppl who just see you as a curiosity to test out''#like how do i even unpack the bs my brain is throwing at me#yeah maybe some part of me believes that but the logical part of me knows it's not true#i think what's causing this is that i'm still kinda new at being stealth while passing#like yeah ive been going as leevi for the entire duration of uni and living as a man but passing regularly started happening to me after#i started t#now i only get misgendered the same amount as cis men with shoulder length hair#so like. it's happened once after starting t lmao#i think what's causing this (the psychological warfare from my brain) is the combination of stress#and me actually becoming friends with a co worker i'm not out to#listen ive been trying to hint at being trans but he was born a guy and lives as a guy so hes not very tuned out on this stuff#though his partner is nb and ive met them and they think i'm cis too which i think is hilarious bc i feel like#i'm v easy to clock for trans ppl#though idk im fagging it up quite a bit so it makes me pass extra well so#anyways#im a bit conflicted about the situation#im not going to outright tell him i think but i'm not going to hide it if it comes up#which i know i dont have to do but i want to#we'll probably go swimming together this summer so if that doesnt make him realize it hes a lost case and i dont#need to worry about it lmaoo#also i bought shorts that arent sport shorts and they looked normal on me so im literally unstoppable#but yea thank u for listening to me i just needed to ramble#leevi talks
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the 2010s sure were a time in my life
#there's just....... there's just something about that time#it might have something to do with 2011 being the year i started high school and 2019 being the year i finished my BA#and also the last year before the pandemic#I DON'T KNOW I JUST. THINKING BACK ON IT THERE IS THIS MYSTIQUE TO THAT TIME. THIS STRANGE EXCITEMENT#which is most likely a result of me finally beginning to feel like i can shape my own life and who i am and daydreaming abt a better future#and like exploring myself. in 2010 i turned 14 and fully realised i'm bi and throughout the decade#i experimented with a variety of different like...... identifications and imaginations of who i am#some of those were quite consumer identities (e.g. i strove to be and was a very hipster teen) but nevertheless#i don't know dudes like. the pandemic took a lot from me in terms of ability to be excited about what's to come i think#even though my life is pretty good i'd say#but also maybe that's just what it's like to grow into adulthood and get a job etc. SIGH why am i writing an entire fucking essay#abt my 2010s teenagehood nostalgia#like majority of those years also SUCKED because i had zero real irl friends and was really lonely lmfao#it felt like life didn't really start for me yet#and i was constantly waiting to burst into it. maybe that's the mystique. constantly hoping i am on the precipice of smth extraordinary#is nostalgia for one's teenage yrs inevitable? even if you feel like you missed out on most experiences considered quintessentially teenage?#i only started having Teenage Experiences™ when i went to uni lmfao (i.e. early 20s)#but idk it's such a loaded period psychologically and it's horrible and frustrating when you're living it but then you think back on it#and you're like man..... sure was a time huh. wow#but idk my experience could also be influenced by so many other variables#e.g. smartphones and social networks becoming widespread and common#that was also a pretty significant thing that happened#anyway i think i'm abt to run out of tags so. that's it#sry this shoulda gone into my diary probably but i inflicted it on you instead#neptalks
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Unfortunately. I have Opinions about how teachers teach. I've never really been a teacher myself but I still think You're Doing it Wrong.
#i recognize that these professors are paid like shit#and that it's very challenge to accommodate the wide range of student backgrounds in these classes#and planning out a six week online only semester sounds like a nightmare to me#but i still think You're Doing It Wrong#gillianthecat goes back to school#so far it seems like APA formatting is the thing she most wants us to learn#half the videos she links are about it instead of actual. you know. PSYCHOLOGY.#and yet it's so much info dumped with no real logic that i don't think anyone who doesn't already know the basics#of citation styles or even what citing actually is#is actually leaning how do do it#/rant#psychology#actually no not end rant#she also gets facts wrong in her lecture videos#which i know because it contradicts what i'd just read in the textbook#I think it's not that she doesn't know a lot. just that she didn't really prepare for recording the videos and is just#lecturing off the top of her head. but i feel like getting basic facts right is one of your key responsibilities as a professor.#/rant for real this time
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To celebrate the beginning of @dickensdaily, a substack which sends out Dickens Novels in line with their original serialisation schedule, beginning with Great Expectations (serialised December 1860 to August 1861), here's:
Reasons to read Great Expectations
I've done my best to keep this spoiler-free, so you should be able to read without ruining anything for yourself.
The characters
PIP: a Perfectly Imperfect Protagonist
Himbo With A Hammer
Local Woman Knows How To Hold A Grudge
Out Of Your League
Cinnamon Roll with Fruit (slightly squashed)
...and more...
Queer Themes
Obviously this is very much a matter of interpretation, but Great Expectations has room for readings around:
Homosociality / homoromanticism / homoeroticism
Compulsory (hetro-)sexuality
Non-traditional families and domestic arrangements
Other Themes
Social class (especially: "What makes a gentleman?")
Trauma
Child and domestic abuse (physical and emotional)
The law (criminality, punishment, money, property, etc)
...and more...
Genres
Great Expectations fits into several genres. [Descriptions below drawn from wikipedia.]
'Coming of Age' story / Bildungsroman (a genre that focuses on the psychological and/or moral growth of a protagonist from childhood to adulthood)
Sensation novel (a genre which reached peak popularity in the 1860-70s, and which 'has been variously defined as a "novel-with-a-secret" and which combines "romance and realism"')
elements of the social novel (a "work of fiction in which a prevailing social problem, such as gender, race, or class prejudice, is dramatized through its effect on the characters of a novel".)
elements of the Gothic (a 'loose literary genre of fear and haunting', often including 'the intrusion of the past upon the present')
One of Dickens' best novels
Great Expectations was Dickens' second-to-last completed novel, so he was at the top of his game at this point.
According to wikipedia, "in the 21st century, the novel retains good ratings among literary critics."
It's also popular with the general public. In 2003, the BBC surveyed 750,000 people in 'The Big Read' to find the UK's "best-loved novel", and Great Expectations ranked 17th.
The first Dickens novel I read, it remains my favourite Dickens, both as a story and as a work of art.
One of his most accessible novels
If you haven't read any Dickens before (or have, but struggled), Great Expectations may be the place to start.
It's one of his shorter novels, so less intimidating and easier to finish than many other Dickens books.
It's also in first person which mitigates some of the things people often struggle with in Dickens' writing:
With some Dickens novels, it can be difficult to tell what the 'main story' is because there are so many intersecting plotlines. In Great Expectations, we're essentially reading Pip's memoirs from his childhood to his young-adulthood, so we can understand all the other stories through Pip's story.
Likewise, we meet all the other characters through Pip, so the feeling of "who are all these people???" I often get from Dickens novels is reduced. We know characters through their relationship to Pip.
Dicken's minor characters are often caricatures, with features of their personality, appearance or manner exaggerated to create a comic or grotesque effect. Dickens likely did this to help readers more easily recall characters over the stretched-out timeframe of serial publication, but it can be jarring to modern readers. Because Great Expectations is from Pip's point of view, his subjectivity frames the caricatures; it feels natural that they lack complexity because Pip doesn't know the inner world of everyone he passes on the street any more than you or I do.
Dickens can often go on tangents/'rants' about society and social injustice at the time he was writing. This was a force for social change at the time, but can be baffling and/or boring to modern readers. Because Great Expectations is in the first person, when these 'rants' appear they feel more like 'my friend Pip grumbles about things that affect his life and the people around him' so are easier to engage with.
Bonus: a Choice of Endings...
Dickens originally wrote one ending for the novel, and then - following conversation with another novelist - changed it ahead of publication. This means that there are two endings of the novel to choose from, which is an interest interactive element.
#i just love this book so much#the other thing i love about it i haven't really mentioned here is that#it just feels very psychologically *real*#if that makes sense#great expectations#dickens daily#charles dickens#tumblr book club#serialisation#reading
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sometimes it’s hard to remove myself from school and remember that i’ve always loved to learn
#crazy how that works huh? i’m naturally a very curious person#i always want to know how everything works. what it’s made of#it’s why i like my anatomy class so much#but i mean ever since i was a kid i’ve been a learner#i would watch ted-ed videos for hours on end. i knew ted for ted-ed years before i knew about ted talks#i even used to watch crash course’s ap psychology series as a kid#it was fun revisiting that sophomore year. made covid a little easier#but school isn’t an environment that fostered that curiosity in me#not since 5th grade anyways#it became less about ‘look at how wonderful the world is’ and more about ‘you’re gonna be in the real world someday’#it was ‘set an example for the other kids.’ it was ‘don’t get lazy now and mess up your gpa for high school.’#it was all just scores and numbers. everything beautiful and unique about learning had been stripped away#and replaced with cold stale machinery. i stopped learning and started answering#i’m lucky that i’ve always been a good tester. i can rely on it when i need to#except for a long long time i forgot how to learn#how to explore the world as a curious ape#but i’m learning now that that curiosity never left. that yearning for new knowledge is still present#it’s damaged yes but i can recover it. i want to learn to be curious again#i want to like learning again. i won’t let a stupid report card strip my life of joy again#hm. ig since i’m about to graduate i’m feeling introspective#i’m excited for college. everyone’s always told me i’m gonna love it and i’m inclined to believe them#can’t wait to learn just for the sake of it. i’m gonna take as many humanities courses as i can fit#i don’t remember which artist said it. maybe picasso?#but i think it’s true that we’re all just seeking the freedom of our childhood selves. perhaps our purest forms#children are artists and scientists and inventors. i think everyone’s looking to rediscover that#part of why i use love to make all of my art. i create simply to partake in the joy of it#and isn’t that lovely :)
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For the record, I don't think it's useful or wise for people to start individually targeting or harassing @libertineangel or any of the tankies around this post. I said what I said to illustrate my point and hopefully educate members of the audience who might not have considered the material realities of whether a revolution was even possible before. I did not expect to change @libertineangel's mind, nor will I engage with them further for the time being.
Hey bro/ster I'm super sorry to have to be the one to break this to you, but uh sometimes being a socialist means, you know, putting your dreams of terrorism down for a minute and talking about public policy and how your proposed form of government would like, uhhhhh................ work.
#soviet history tw#tankie shit#i'll be real I considered the thought that they were talking about an actual real russian theorist (people do like Kropotkin sometimes)#and was like 'naaaaah nobody would be that dumb'#i forgot i was dealing with tankies!#to think that VLADIMIR ILYICH ULYANOV LENIN is a good revolutionary rolemodel#that's embarrassing#his handbook didn't even work for HIM#as infuriated as tankies make me I honestly need to just log tf out of tumblr#go touch grass#because when someone is already feeling angry and nihilistic and dangerous you can't really stampede them into better sense#a lot of people need the fantasy of The Revolution as an emotional coping mechanism when it feels like nothing else will ever work#and honestly i do understand and have sympathy for that#I use my own beliefs about a possible future the same way!#if someone is open to persuasion they'll hear it#if they're not open to persuasion pursuing them for a fight can be both cruel and dangerous#when someone's already shown an affinity for violence be cautious about backing them into a corner#whether physically or psychologically (including loss of reputation/face/self-respect)#might hurt them#might hurt you#with very little good to come out of it in the best of circumstances
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my life feels like a sitcom sometimes
#the adas speak#not in a delusional 'this isn't real' way#just like. having different psychotic episodes every month feels very sitcommy to me. like tv show episodes. idk. similar vibes#<- can you tell i don't consume media often#it should probably be psychological horror or something but i'm not even touching that#my goal is just to turn it into a romcom. medication is far away from happening i think
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i had a good day i like having things to do but unfortunately i have just remembered i am insane</3
#currently. in this moment#currently i can't stand the enorrrrmous gap between what i recognize as good writing + how committed i am to improving the skill#(not very) (i am not committed i have never committed or honed any skill as it's a very vulnerable position to put yourself in)#(or let me rephrase that i feel unusually insecure and existentially threatened when i have to start from zero and make mistakes)#(which is basically all of life. so it's abnormal i know it is. but it's where i am right now and i'm not climbing out of this one anytime#soon)#so listen i didn't sign up for this. i don't even want this really and i double triple quadruple don't want rules and advice and#indirect criticism. the latter no one at all on planet earth can avoid bc every sentiment and opinion expressed can reflect on you in a way#where was i what gap. right so i am not actually disciplined or motivated to learn/discover/get better at creating something#so that's the gap‚ i know what i should be trying to do or what i should want or what i should strive for. i know why. i see i hear#i understand#it's just that‚ i am aware that psychologically that is not in my best interest#like long-term it is but in actuality it isn't. d'you know what i mean?#but i have my compulsions. and those don't care they operate on a different level#so there is a bit of an opposition. so what happens‚ and this is the important part‚ what happens is i do it and i feel bad.#unless i close my eyes and ears. and i feel bad right now#and i'm bummed#and then i question everything and wonder why i'm alive#and i said insane because if i didn't have compulsions and obsessions? if i lived a real tactile present life. day to day and only cared#about how i can improve my life and the lives of others. and how i can become useful#directly. if i was someone who could access that. then i wouldn't have this problem#i know this sounds like “if i was different i would be different which would be good”. and that is exactly what i'm saying yeah#so this is my journal entry for today. i felt good when i was doing something simple for 9 hours and then i 🧠made myself feel bad#kata.txt
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