#it is rare to me that a character spiralling is portrayed so well

[alchemicon]

I could talk about how geto is obsessed with meaning and purpose for hours. When toji kills amanai in front of him, his life's entire purpose crumbles under his feet. A non sorcerer, the type of person he has sworn to protect, enacting this type of violence killing an innocent girl and almost killing his best friend is something that is unimaginable to him. The rest of the non sorcerers in the star religious group clapping as gojo walks with amanai's body in his arm's and geto witnessing this vile and horrifying scene. Gojo asks him if they should kill everyone in there and geto refuses because all of his life's meaning was to protect these people and it is in this moment that he begins to spiral. This is made worse by his conversation with yuki and her revealing the fact that curses are born only because non sorcerers leak cursed energy from their bodies. Because if these are the people he has to risk his life to protect, that every person he loves risks their life to protect, then what is the point. And that is when his entire meaning and purpose starts to shift from protecting non sorcerers to actively persecuting them. His fate is sealed with haibara's death, someone who, to him, represented everything that was good about sorcerers. And when gojo and geto fight in Shinjuku, geto looks content for the first time in months. Because he has finally found a meaning and a purpose that feels fullfilling to him, that takes his resentment of non sorcerers and shapes it into a worldview, something he can pursue as a dream and a goal.

[heliza24]

I want to talk a little bit about Daniel in the Interview with the Vampire show, because the new trailer material has me stuck thinking about him, and also I’ve never written about how meaningful he is as disabled character to me before.

I don’t see many people thinking about show!Daniel in these terms, but he’s a canon disabled character. And I think the way he is written is just SO good. The acerbic wit, his relationship to doctors and his medication, his rueful acceptance of the way his disability has changed him. It is all so correct!! It’s really incredibly rare to have not only a disabled character written this well but specifically a chronically ill character written this well. His illness is always present; it doesn’t get forgotten about by the story. It gives Daniel insight into the vampires (more on this in a min), but it also gives Louis and Armand leverage over him. When Louis triggers his Parkinson’s symptoms? Deeply not ok. But that’s what made it such a great scene, and really made Louis feel dangerous and threateningin that moment. Armand and Louis arranging Daniel’s meds is a sign of great care and also great power over Daniel. It’s the perfect way to communicate the complicated power dynamic in their relationship.

I also just fucking love that this show takes place in 2022 and doesn’t erase the pandemic. Covid is a very present concern for Daniel and I cannot describe how validating that is for me as someone who is clinically vulnerable to Covid and who has had to really limit my life and take a lot of precautions because everyone else has decided to stop caring whether they pass on Covid or not. The fact that Daniel gets on a plane to Dubai is a BIG DEAL. He’s risking his life to talk to Louis and Armand before he’s even in the room with them. He really wants to be there. I have to make a similar calculation every time I travel, and trust me, getting on that plane knowing getting sick could spiral you into even worse health or kill you is really hard.

I think making Daniel disabled and including the pandemic is kind of a genius level decision on a thematic level. Of course Daniel is now facing down his mortality, which gives him a whole new lens on the vampires and the fact that he once asked them to turn him. And the pandemic further highlights his fragility, and is also possibly being used as a cover for drama that’s happening in the vampire world. But I think it also really sets Daniel up as a foil to Louis.

There’s a lot of analysis of the vampire chronicles that reads vampirism as a metaphor for queerness. But I would actually propose that it’s a much neater parallel for disability and illness in a lot of ways. So many of Louis’s initial experiences after being turned resonated with me, as someone who became chronically ill in my 20s. My appetite and relationship to food completely changed, much like Louis. My relationship with the outdoors and the sun changed, because of dysautonomia and allergy reasons. I was very mad, and very depressed, and I too have missed out on birthday parties and big life events like Louis did because I was too sick to go. Hell, you can even say that the way that Louis is treated as evil by his family, that the way vampires literally can’t be a part of society during the day, is reminiscent of ableist exclusion and ugly laws. (Ugly laws were laws that forbid disabled people, especially those with visible differences, from being out in public, and they were on the books in many American municipalities until the 1970s.) You can look at Lestat being an out and proud vampire in the first few episodes on the season and imploring Louis to leave his shame behind as a queer thing, but you can also view it as a disabled thing. Disabled people are portrayed as monstrous so often (and in a way that has gone relatively unexamined compared to say, the queer coded villain trope) that sometimes it’s just easier to embrace that label: I’m the monstrous Crip, but at least I’m not ashamed of or disgusted by who I am anymore.

I do think the real strength of this adaptation is that while you can find parallels between queerness or disability or other forms of marginalization with vampirism, ultimately it’s not a one-to-one parallel. It speaks to the real world but ultimately it is a gothic horror story about supernatural monsters. So I don’t mean to say that vampirism directly equals disability, because it does not. But I do think that making Daniel disabled was an intentional choice to help draw out some of those parallels, and I think the text is richer for it.

So Louis and Daniel have had these kind of parallel experiences of uncontrollable and difficult things happening to their bodies. It sets them up perfectly as foils, and even, I would argue, as the A plot and B Plot protagonists. This is one of my favorite ways of kind of examining the structure of a TV show (or maybe it’s that most of my favorite shows seem to be structured this way?). When TV was all episodic, it would be common to refer to the A plot (mystery of the week), B plot (interpersonal drama happening as the mystery gets solved) and C plot (any overarching plot tying the season together) in an episode. Now that stuff is serialized, there’s often a main protagonist, who has the main dramatic question and the most agency, and then there is often a secondary B plot that explores similar themes and mirrors the A plot, or presents a second main character who is the ldifferent side of the same coin” to the main protagonist. (My favorite example of this is Flint and Max in Black Sails, and I’ve also made the argument that Wilhelm and Sara fit this pattern in Young Royals.) In IwtV, Louis is obviously the main protagonist of the show, especially in the A Plot, which is the stuff taking place in New Orleans/Paris. But I would argue that Daniel is the protagonist of the B Plot set in Dubai. At the very least they’re intentionally set up as mirrors of each other:

They are both unreliable narrators, who are struggling with the way memory contorts (through memory erasure, illness, deliberate obfuscations, and just the passage of time). The most recent teaser trailer, where we hear Louis saying “I don’t remember that”, with panic in his voice, further underlined this similarity between Louis and Daniel to me. I don’t know if it means that Louis has also had his memory tampered with, as I’m assuming Daniel has, but I do think it means that Louis is going to be struggling with feeling out of control of his own narrative more in season 2, a thing that was already starting for Daniel in season 1.

They are also both locked into power struggles with people more powerful than they are. The fact that Louis is under Lestat in the flashbacks and above Daniel in the Dubai scenes in terms of power/status makes it all the more interesting. And, if we want to go ahead and assume that the Devils Minion’s years have happened in the past by the time we get to Dubai— it’s possible that both Daniel and Louis are united in being the less powerful partner in their own respective fucked up gothic romances.

They’re also both the audience’s entry point into their respective stories. Louis’s narration guides us into the world of vampires. Daniel’s questioning satisfies our human curiosity in Dubai.

I think one of the things that makes the show so special is the way that these two protagonists interact. In a lot of shows the a plot and the b plot stay pretty separate. I love talking about Black Sails for this because I think it’s such a good example; Flint and Max never exchange dialogue the entire show, even though they’re so clearly affecting each other the whole time. But the way that Louis and Daniel clash in Dubai is so exciting. We see them both wrestling for control of the narrative. It’s thrilling to watch and it just hammers home the theme of how complicated and changeable stories can be.

I am SO excited to see how the Dubai scenes play out in season 2 because of it. I really can’t wait. I’m really hoping we’ll see Daniel and Louis’s relationship evolve in surprising ways, and I’m holding my breath that we’ll get a lot of Armandaniel material to work with. (I have a whole other post drafted that’s much less smart than this one and is just me waxing poetic about Devil Minion’s theories which I may post at some point. You have been warned.)

I do have two wishes for Daniel in the new season, and they’re 1: that he gets to have romance/sex, because disabled (and older!) characters are so often seen as unworthy of being desired, and I would like to see that challenged and 2: that he continues to refuse to be turned/is not offered a vampiric cure for Parkinson’s. The magic cure for a disability or chronic illness is probably my least favorite disability trope, because it serves to erase disabled characters and representation from the narrative, and I want to see my experiences continue to be reflected in Daniel’s. That means that whatever ending Daniel’s story has will probably have at least a bit of tragedy baked into it, but I’m ok with that.

[cosmicjoke]

alright, well first of all I'd like to say that your characterization of levi in "This Life, After" is one of the best I've read in fanfiction! you've perfectly captured the dichotomy of his unconditional love towards others and his lack of regard towards himself. it's utterly heartbreaking, but I think that's honestly my favorite part about his character, and I rarely get to read fics that portray this well.

that being said, I sometimes do feel as though the fic keeps on hitting the same constant beat, where levi goes through a physically tormenting situation, ends up at the hospital, onyan and the kids worry, levi gets out of the hospital, and rinse and repeat. don't get me wrong, I love me some good angst, but I do think there can be other ways to get him to suffer. an idea may be to get him to suffer by proxy? maybe he suffers as a result of his loved ones suffering (a loved one (onyan maybe) gets hurt, and he blames himself, spirals, etc.) I just think there's so many scenarios that can be explored, and I do think analyzing how levi would react to these different plotlines would be quite interesting.

anywho, enough yapping from me. thank you so much for writing this fanfiction!

Thank you for the kind words, truly. That means a lot to me.

I'll admit, I'm a sucker for angst, and I often get caught up in that aspect of my writing. So I think you have a legitimate point that I tend to sort of get stuck in traction with the ebb and flow of Levi's struggle in my story.

That said, I also feel like it's sort of justified, because the story is largely dealing with Levi suffering from multiple mental illnesses, and mental illness is, by nature, cyclical and repetitive. Levi in my story is suffering from pretty severe depression, anxiety, PTSD and a whole host of other mental issues, on top of his physical disabilities, and he's not really going to just magically get better or recover from that. Each of his issues is basically compounding the other and making it worse, and he has a lot of unresolved trauma and other problems that are, after a lifetime of having to ignore them in order to survive and keep others alive, beginning to really crash down on him and manifest in awful ways.

So yeah, he ends up in the hospital a lot in my story, and it's a recurring problem. You may be disappointed to know it's going to happen again relatively soon, but it's vital to Levi's overall recovery and addressing some of the issues he has correctly, so I can't really change that.

A lot of it also comes from Levi's selflessness and how that selflessness, while in canon always extremely commendable and admirable, in the setting of my story, given Levi's condition, ends up causing himself and others actual harm. He ends up causing the people who love him a lot of grief and suffering by NOT caring for himself, basically, unintentional as it is. So I feel like the other characters do suffer, and Levi is learning that sometimes it's okay to be selfish and that it can actually be better for the people around him to be so once in a while. It's basically meant as a journey for Levi learning to care more about himself, and the focus of the story is Levi and his trauma and learning to live with it in a world where, instead of being forced to push it down and ignore it, he's instead forced to confront and deal with it. Essentially, it's about watching Levi heal, and all the awful pangs of that process.

That's how I justify it to myself, anyway, lol.

Also, at this point where I'm at in the story now, Levi is really at his lowest, mentally and physically, and I feel like suddenly shifting focus to another character and their personal problems would distract from Levi and what he's going through. Other characters ARE suffering. Onyankopon is dealing with a lot of feelings of guilt and isolation, being Levi's main caretaker and having to navigate a lot of issues with Levi that he's never had to before. There's a lot of pressure on Onyankopon, and that's going to come out and cause issues in some upcoming chapters. Things aren't going to remain so easy for him and Levi, or so smooth in terms of their relationship. Levi's too sick right now in the story to really be expected to deal with or be aware of the way Onyankopon, or any of the kids, are struggling, and Onyankopon is also purposefully hiding his own struggles from Levi, because he knows it wouldn't be fair to him to put that pressure on him when Levi is barely keeping his head above water as is. But for sure, I could use more sections really showing that struggle and the impact Levi's issues are having on everyone else, too.

There's also a section of the story that I'm working on right now in which one of the other characters ends up struggling with a lot of guilt and fear over something, and ends up getting hurt as a result, and we see how that really negatively impacts Levi and causes some big issues for him. That section isn't going to come up for a while, though.

It's definitely not going to be everyone's cup of tea, and that's fine. Like I said, I do have a tendency to get caught up in the drama of it all. But I'll definitely try getting some other scenarios in there with the other characters going through their own issues and seeing how that impacts Levi.

[m0tel6mxzzy]

anyone else have a problem with the way monet’s relationship w/ food is portrayed?

(tw ed mention, i strongly think the show is loosely implying monet has disordered eating and that it hasn’t been properly handled by the writers)

i’m gonna be honest i really hate when tv shows nod at a character having disordered eating behaviors as them being vain. like ggrb does that with monet and luna in s1 and it really bothers me. and then on top of that luna and monet rarely get screentime so ur just supposed to assume they are fine as if they didn’t admit to severely disordered patterns.

and if it doesn’t ring a bell i specifically mean in s1 where luna convinces zoya to “never be seen eating in public” during her makeover, and monet chastising julien for doing so. i don’t like the idea of that just being,,, discarded? in general i find much of monet and luna being discarded, as if their storylines are added in at the very end and audrey and julien and the teachers are made top priority.

i just really find that irresponsible to have borderline disordered behaviors portrayed as monet being vain, and it feels almost demonizing. like, there’s no excuse for projecting her disordered habits onto julien, but her relationship with food is treated entirely flippant and of course it’s actually going to get worse as the seasons go by if it’s a running gag joke but never handled. especially when she’s given seldom given actual development.

monet is also getting to a point where her behavior is constantly harming herself and others and she seems to be going on a spiral because of her mother’s emotional abuse. like, she’s already dealing with untreated mental issues so why imply more as a joke that are never resolved.

i think there’s so much potential to have an actually fleshed out storyline where her disordered behaviors are actually addressed instead of throwaway comments. and that having her behaviors be laughed off is equally as romanticizing as portraying it in a glamorized manner. like in the writing and context there is so much subtext monet is dealing with what might be an eating disorder, but it is never handled. i also didn’t like the line abt intermittent fasting as a diet from monet’s minions. you could very well assume that was encouraged by monet herself, because given how she projects her disordered behaviors onto others, she has plausible reason to do that.

literally the writers keep giving blatant signs monet has a disordered relationship with food and it’s used for laughs when it could be used to represent a black woman as well as a lesbian struggling with and overcoming an eating disorder. not because she’s like blair/not like blair but because she’s her own person with individuals struggles.

[mbabol]

the reason why joker 2019 didnt read to me as revolutionary or even interesting was because it used the trappings of an ostensibly leftist story and then neutralized any potency of those elements with absurdity or misrepresentation. there was a sweeping populist class protest movement, but it was triggered by complete accident and its figurehead (the joker) completely disavows the movements focus (which is kind of vague to begin with - but lets say its wealth disparity) and confesses to have “””no interest””” in “””politics”””. the portrayal of protests themselves are not anything interesting or realistic - theres an emphasis on chaos and property damage, leaning heavily into riot imagery that is in line with the JOKER as a character but obviously nothing new or revolutionary in terms of how the general (conservative) public views protest movements. the running theme of mental health is unresearched (there is no interest in updating their understanding of what talk therapy looks like or what the actual modern shortcomings of talk therapy are and certainly not its strengths) - the joker is reimagined as a social outcast who is constantly harassed and denigrated for a fictional disorder that makes him laugh unexpectedly. they write the scenes adequately enough for you to feel sympathetic for him and then have his experience with oppression be the catalyst for him turning into a villain. which is again, not really interesting or new of a concept! weve been over the idea of how tying ostensibly leftist and compelling values to a mass murdering villain is actually Bad and Propaganda. also its nothing new to make your “crazy”” “”mentally ill”” character violent and unpredictable in their violence, which is a long standing tradition in stigmatizing things like schizophrenia and psychosis in general. importantly, i do NOT think he is portrayed as a hero, which makes the previous true. hes an underdog, but his climactic transformation into the joker makes him randomly violent. hes sympathetic, but pretty clearly held in the wrong for a bunch of murders, which start in self defense then spiral outward into motivationless. his moments of rare kindness that built sympathy in the beginning of the movie are just phased out until he embraces completely the notion of uninhibited whimsical murder and destruction as free of purpose as possible. they hold on to his core character trait of violence inspired by random chaos - ID SAY THAT THIS IS EMPHASIZED which then conflicts with this narrative that he is an underdog story of retributional violence against a system that doesnt serve him - because he acts without intention! his key motives for retaliation are set up, then discarded in favor of “””pure chaos””” as a causal factor in his behavior that just HAPPENS to sometimes align with greater social movements and trends. and that makes sense with the traditional character of THE JOKER - it just doesnt seem to me like thats a winning recipe for insightful commentary on revolution, oppression, systemic violence, and resistance to systemic violence. his FICTIONAL MENTAL DISORDER is revealed later in the movie to be FICTIONAL IN THE MOVIE WORLD AS WELL ! that was a major driving motivator and theme that is revealed by the movie to actually have NOT BE CONSIDERED IN UNIVERSE A MENTAL HEALTH ISSUE ! hes just “”like that””!! and he is freed from the trappings of Mental Health and be his happiest So Random self and enact his will as he pleases on anyone, sometimes in revenge and sometimes just cause he can. also it felt very white fantasy very 4chan red pilled and i just dont see how this movie was . saying anything interesting

[felinedetached]

Fandom Ableism in the MCYT Community

[Edited 14 June 2021]

One thing I’ve noticed about the MCYT (Dream SMP, specifically) community on both Tumblr and Twitter is that when informed of things that are ableist, or harmful to ND people, a lot of people ignore the post/tweet, derail it or actively fight against it.

“I’m ND so I can’t be ableist” is a common statement, which is blatantly untrue. Even I’ve used ableist terms and phrases before, without realising they were harmful. So as a neurodivergent person, with autism, BPD, depression/anxiety, dyslexia, psychosis & brain damage*: here’s some common ableist things both CCs and fandom say almost constantly**.

*note that not every neurodivergent person will agree with me on these, but these are commonly ableist things people have previously talked about online, and/or have been discussed between me and other neurodivergent friends. No minority can ever speak for the entire group.

**note that a lot of these are common outside the MCYT community as well, and that some of these are just considered societally acceptable. This isn’t okay, but it explains why a lot of people don’t recognise jokes or comments like these are wrong, and it means that it’s not a direct moral failing of people that they don’t immediately or directly recognise these comments as wrong.

Now, let’s get into the things you might not have realised are potentially ableist:

1. Use of “Psychopath/Psycho/Sociopath/Schizo” and other demeaning terms for people with mental illnesses as insults, or to describe characters who are considered villainous. Psychopath/Psycho/Sociopath are already terms that people with ASPD dislike using, even not as an insult, but using these terms to describe people or characters who you disagree with or see as villainous only contributes to the villainisation of people with ASPD and other mental illnesses. Using c!Dream as an example: Dream as a character is not confirmed to have any of these mental illnesses. He is, however, commonly labeled as psychotic/psychopathic, incapable of any kind of compassion.

He is also a character that fandom largely insists that nobody is allowed to sympathise with. This is a huge issue, and has hurt a lot of people, especially people with low empathy, or mental illnesses that cause them to relate to some of c!Dream’s actions (e.g. pulling away from all his friends, desperately grasping at straws to gain control of situations etc). Insisting that these characters are characters it’s impossible to sympathise with, all while calling them psychotic/psychopathic/sociopathic, is extremely harmful, and I hope this post draws attention to that.

Here’s another post that talks about that.

2. Use of the term “freak”, in general. As an insult, “freak” has been typically used to insult neurodivergent people, people with visible physical disabilities (ex. “freakshow”, and the term was reportedly created with the intent of insulting people with physical disabilities), or people who display any kind of abnormal/atypical social behaviour/physical aspects — people who are usually ND people who lack a diagnosis or people with physical disabilities. Recent usage has come to mean “people who do things that hurt other people”, but this is harmful as well; using words like “freak” or “weirdo” which mean “socially atypical behaviour” to refer to people who are actually doing things that hurt other people conflates the two, and often has a side effect of hurting disabled people who see it.

3. Calling ND ccs like Technoblade monotone/emotionless. While the term “monotone” isn’t ableist in and of itself, the fact that it’s being used against a neurodivergent man who emotes in a different way to neurotypical people rubs a lot of ND people the wrong way. I’ve partially discussed this here, in a tweet responding to a person who said that c!Technoblade, quote, “has no human capabilities like emotion for example”. This, however, is not something contained to c!Technoblade — one of the most common jokes in this fandom is how rare it is to hear emotion in Technoblade’s voice.

The issue with that is that neurodivergent people almost universally agree that Technoblade emotes perfectly fine, and, in fact, emotes more freely and clearly than a lot of others do. Hence, calling him monotone perpetuates the idea of ND people as emotionless/less able to be hurt/less expressive, which often hurts us. It also contributes to the dehumanisation of ND people — related to how ND symptoms are most often seen in robots or monsters in shows — and is generally extremely harmful, on top of being untrue.

4. Related to point 3: the infantilisation of ND ccs like Tubbo and Dream, usually paired with assigning “caretakers” of their friends, like Tommy and George. This is about the posts that spread like “omg, Tommy helps Tubbo with his dyslexia, that’s so cute” or “omg George is so patient with Dream, I could never sit through that” on videos of Dream vocally stimming because of his ADHD. This is another post that talks about this, but I wanted to talk more about why this is harmful here.

4a) With Tubbo’s dyslexia, from someone with dyslexia, it isn’t harmful to correct his spelling and move on. Personally, I think this is helpful — others will think it’s condescending, because not all ND people are the same — but as the above linked post mentions, this is not what Tubbo’s twitch chat does. This is not what the comments say. It’s all things about how it’s “so cute” that Tubbo can’t spell, how Tommy/Ranboo are “so patient” with correcting him. This is rooted in the need to constantly watch over ND people while acting like we can't live our lives without someone having us under constant vigilance. It feels like savior-complex ableism, like people are trying so hard to not be ableist that they spin back around to hurting us instead. And it feels like we are being treated like children. Like we are lesser than, and need to be monitored/watched over.

4b) Similarly to what people do with Tubbo, the comments on posts about Dream’s vocal stimming are often full of people calling George “patient” for “dealing with it”, or claiming they “wouldn’t be able to handle it”. This is inherently ableist. They’re praising George for basic human decency towards ND people, and claiming in the same breath that they wouldn’t be able to do that themselves. And then there’s these.

These comments infantilise Dream — claiming he “wouldn’t be able to stop/calm down” without George’s help, implying he’d “spiral out of control” or claiming “everyone is now my child”. It’s all related to the infantilisation of ND people, and the belief that without help/a caretaker we cannot take care of ourselves.

5. The way people treat ccs who likely have undiagnosed neurodivergencies, like Wilbur. Wilbur has openly admitted on stream before that his parents considered getting him an autism diagnosis. He also openly admits on stream that he has habits he doesn’t understand why he does, and hyperfixates on things for months at a time and doesn’t know why. Posts like this have gone around Tumblr, in which Wilbur displays blatantly ND traits.

And fandom generally calls him weird for expressing those traits. This video where he talks about eating sand because he likes the texture? That’s an ND trait. This video where he talks about his irrational hatred for anteaters? While mostly a joke, irrational hatred of something when you can’t explain/understand/articulate why is also a common ND trait. He spends 20 minutes during a Philza stream info-dumping about self-sustaining ecosystems (sharing the photo, because I think it’s really cool) and fandom begins calling them “Wilbur’s weird jars”. It’s demeaning to people who infodump, and as a ND person who hyperfixates and infodumps it’s really upsetting to see. It’s also upsetting to see other ND traits being called “weird” or “freaky” & made out to be soley some funny joke for NT people to laugh at us about.

Additionally: It’s strange to me that people think it’s okay to make fun of ND traits just because they know that or perceive that the person they’re making fun of is NT. It’s still making fun of ND traits. It’s still insulting ND people. It’s still ableist as hell. Why is it okay just because the person is NT?

6. Implying that c!Ranboo’s enderwalking is inherently violent. Ranboo has shown us time and time again that the enderwalk state isn’t a violent state. That the enderwalk state isn’t a seperate version of c!Ranboo that does horrific things. Why, then, is it so common to imply that Ranboo would be violent and hurt people why he’s enderwalking?

It comes back to the perception of c!Ranboo as a character with “two halves”, or as a character with DID. Ranboo has made it clear that his character does not have DID, but this headcanon about his character persists, and it persists in a way that is directly harmful to people with DID — and to people who dissociate or sleepwalk. We do not commit horrific acts while we dissociate, while we’re sleepwalking, because the majority of the time we’re just checked out, our body is on autopilot. Insinuating that we do is harmful. Insinuating that Ranboo has “another half” that’s inherently violent or evil is harmful to people with DID. I’m not going to ask you to stop writing these headcanons etc, but please consider the effect you have on people before you do.

7. Related to point 6: the perception of c!Ranboo as “soft” and “cute” and/or perfectly moral because of his canonical anxiety. This is really harmful, and comes once again from the infantilisation of disorders like anxiety and depression. Ranboo has made clear time and time again that his character isn’t moral, and in fact is extremely inconsistent. He’s portrayed his character as inconsistent, as someone who hurts his friends unintentionally and often due to his want to please everyone, and yet he’s constantly seen as “soft/pure/the only moral one” because of his anxiety causing to have repeated and consistent spirals on-screen. These spirals are not healthy. They don’t indicate his “perfect morals” or make him more moral than anyone else on the SMP. Please stop infantilising people with anxiety, it’s really hurtful.

8. Implying that c!Technoblade is inherently a violent person because of his voices. I’ll admit here: my hallucinations are visual. I do not get auditory hallucinations, and I cannot speak for people who do. But many people have spoken out about this, and discussed how talking about Technoblade as an inherently violent character because of his voices is harmful, and a stereotype of people with schizophrenia.

Technoblade’s character is, in and of itself, inherently a stereotype (despite the fact that his chat are more likely to be a supernatural entity than a symptom of a disorder such as schizophrenia) in that the idea of “hearing voices that encourage violence” is a stereotype of people with schizophrenia. As an actual symptom, is a very uncommon one. More common auditory hallucinations for people with schizophrenia or psychosis are, reportedly, whispers or unrelated conversation. One of my friends hears screaming.

But the issue is with the implication that c!Technoblade is “driven to violence” by the voices. Canonically, he has dealt with the “bloodlust” of chat by grinding withers. He’s perfectly capable of being peaceful, even with “voices pushing for violence”, and he’s perfectly capable of being violent without the “voices” influence. It’s the connotations and the history that fandom has in demonising and villainising c!Technoblade for even having the “voices” in the first place, and acting having them makes him inherently violent and unstable. There’s precedent for that already in society, and it’s not okay to perpetuate it.

[Edit: as of 22/05/2021, I do experience auditory hallucinations, and I can confirm that I am not any more violent, and the voices I hear don’t push me to violence. The clearest one just said ‘click’ in my ear.]

9. Jokes about brain damage and the use of “brainrot” as a term. I made a post about how common jokes about brain damage are here, and I would like to reiterate bits of it.

Jokes like these are really really normalized in modern society. I’m sure a lot of you didn’t even register it as wrong, and that isn’t a moral failing! It’s a norm in society, and that means the majority of people arent going to register it as something hurtful, because it’s said so often. But it does still hurt. The idea of using a disability as an insult is really harmful and it feels dehumanizing, like our disability makes us lesser, something that should be laughed at.

“Brainrot” as a term originated in Skyrim, as a disease that literally rotted your brain. However, as a term, it has very similar connotations to “brain damaged” and has been used in similarly joking and insulting ways. It’s something that feels really off to me and other neurodivergent people to see used by neurotypical people. It even sometimes feels uncomfortable when used by neurodivergent people, even if it’s used in positive ways. I know quite a few people who have removed it from their vocab completely because of the connotations, and I have personally done the same. Once again, I am just asking you to please consider your words before you use them.

10. Calling c!Wilbur during his Pogtopia Arc “Vilbur”. Yes, he was a villain. Yes, he hurt people. But c!Wilbur during the Pogtopia Arc only has one major difference from c!Wilbur during the L’Manburg Arc: a visible depiction of mental illness, specifically paranoia and psychosis. Treating him as a seperate person and calling that seperate person “Vilbur” comes across as extremely hurtful, and contributes to the villainisation of mentally ill people. His mental illness does not excuse him from hurting people, but calling c!Wilbur “Vilbur” upsets a lot of us, because wether or not it’s intended, it feels reductive, hurtful, and insulting.

If you got to the end of this post, thank you so much for reading. I hope that this helped you recognise things that you might not have known were ableist, and that you consider what I’ve said here. I also know that I haven’t addressed everything ableist that’s spread through the MCYT fandom community, so if you’re ND and have something you’d like to add, please feel free.

[allekha]

Why is Evgenia one of your favorite skaters?

Hiya!

The thing that most makes her my one of my favorites is her performance ability. I rarely feel that she is going through the motions; she gets deep into the character she is portraying and sells it 100%. When the Alegria video came out yesterday, I watched it on mute, as I was in public at the time, and even with no sound and on a phone screen, the energy she put into it captivated me.

Some other factors: while I'm not going to give Sambo any credit for healthy coaching, and they pigeonholed her too much in both theme and style - she did get some unique programs there. They were full and interesting from start to finish (a little too full at points, but I think Evgenia mostly escaped the rushed cramming). A lot of her skating and movement quality was still rough around the edges in her first senior year, but her 2015 FS's step sequence is unusual and unforgettable to me despite the flaws.

Her 2016 SP is delightful and joyous. The story of a girl growing into a woman is obvious, sure, but it’s touching, and it was given to her at the perfect moment. (I refuse to rewatch the 2016 FS in its entirety - honestly, it was kind of relief to hear even Evgenia didn't like it - but it did have a surprisingly complicated step sequence.)

Once she was able to ditch the weird death programs and take creative control, she started experimenting a lot more, using different choreographers, and choreographing some of her own exhibitions. For the most part, I think this worked out well and broadened her range of expression, making her an even better performer to watch.

Orange-Colored Sky was never quite there in competition, unfortunately - I adored it when she was able to give it the playfulness it needed in practice - but Tosca was the old dramatics with more reliance on body language. Exogenesis was Averbukh style without the miming and greater emphasis on edges and clean lines. Beautiful Mess and idonwannabeyouanymore are packed with emotion. Alegria is centered on unique movements.

Her strongest jumps, 3S and 3Lo, are well-done and pretty.

Her signature skid spiral is also pretty! I don't understand those who think it's ugly lol. I also appreciate that in the past couple years, she's been using it without needing to jam it into every program somewhere because It's The Evgenia Move.

Personality-wise, she comes across as super determined even for an athlete, which makes her interesting to follow. The prime example of this is the whole coaching change - it's clear from interviews she knew there would be drama, although I get the feeling that the intensity of fan hatred she received surprised her.

There's also how in that 2018 season, she went from struggling at her GP events and a bad SP at Nationals to coming back with fire and eventually winning a medal at Worlds. While dealing with a serious back injury, a new approach to coaching, changing jump technique, losing the recycled elements, figuring out a new combo, and a flood of people posting that she needed to retire because she's OLD and STEALING OUR TAX MONEY and ARMENIAN TRAITOR and FLUTZ.

...she also once jumped a 3/3/3 in competition and Zayak'd herself for fun!

She is very cute and endearing. I also like anime, so it's fun to see her geek out about it, too :)

(Also this post by @the-real-xmonster, which the Tumblr search refuses to find any gifs from)

On a more shallow note, she is very pretty, and most of her costumes have been beautiful. I think her 2017 SP costume is the most lovely dress I have ever seen in figure skating

(photo by David W. Carmichael)

though her Leftovers/Meditation/Windmills dress is good competition.

Overall, her performance and style strongly speak to me, and I enjoy both her playfulness and determined drive to improve her skating. I've been able to see her compete twice in real life, and I'm very happy about that :)

[marcspectrr]

A word or two on Kiara's mental health...

Before I attempt to summarize the 39 page slideshow living rent free in my brain, a preface! This will include spoilers for s2, as well as a few mentions of suicidal thoughts! Also. I love Kiara Carrera with all of my heart so if you're not a fan of her, you might wanna keep scrolling. If you don't vibe with her that's perfectly fine, but this post is heavy with Kiara appreciation, be warned, my respect for her runs deep. The choice is yours, of course, just understand that I'm writing this bc @yellowlaboratory among others have encouraged me to get it out there because it's all I've been thinking about since I watched s2. This is not to start anything.

(This is also not me hating on Pope because I genuinely like his character, he's just made some very questionable choices throughout the show, some I can forgive and some that still don't sit right with me.)

Deep breath, here we go.

It's no secret Kiara has been poorly handled by the writers and therefore the characters at times. We got little development in s1 compared to other main male characters, leaving us to fill in the gaps as far as her ambitions, motivations, family, overall interest in the boys, etc. While I do keep this in mind, I could rant about it for days so for this I'm going off of what we have as well as what's been implied.

Kiara didn't have the same upbringing as the boys but it's clear the Carrera's had/have their struggles. She's got her foot in both worlds, not quite 'rich' but not entirely 'poor', inevitably giving her a fragile sense of belonging and identity. 16 is a hard age even without societal pressures and growing up in a classist environment, but here is where we're assuming the boys come in. They give her a place to feel comfortable in her own skin, with shared interests and accepting her for who she is, which we know the kooks don't provide. Just being around them helps ease those deep insecurities, helps her form meaningful bonds. We weren't given an explicit scene where this was shown but over the course of the two seasons it's clear how she feels about them and what they do for her mentally.

Her relationship with the pogues, however, puts a rift between her and her parents. Mike and Anna clearly want what's best for Kie but it's also obvious they've struggled with her even before the pogues. Anna wants Kiara to have the things she never got growing up, breeding a disconnect since Kiara doesn't share in her mother's interests. This leads into my biggest problem with Kiara's arc in s2, which was how Anna and Mike were written. 

Yes, Kiara didn't/doesn't treat them the best but it went both ways -- they all failed at communicating. Instead of finding a common ground and compensating for the things Kiara cares about, Anna shuts her down and ignores her, leaving her to feel like a problem rather than a person, further perpetuating even less healthy communication. Kiara even says in s2 that's why she doesn't like going home, because it always means walking into an argument and not feeling accepted.

I sorta expected a little more understanding from Anna considering her own background with pogues but instead it backfired. And Mike...he didn't contribute much at all. They could've all done better and need some work. Kiara could be more grateful and Anna and Mike are the parents, the adults, they need to make the space feel safe to talk. Kie didn't just wake up one day and decide to act out and keep her parents in the dark all the time, that stems from not feeling listened to when she does try and open up.

Expanding on this with...the whole Blue Ridge plot. Moment of silence for the show neglecting to acknowledge the academy,  even though it clearly had a big impact on Kiara's life. In s1 we got a brief look into how her 'kook year' affected her and it was not good. More isolation, blurred identity, insecurity and this time suicidal thoughts, with no one to turn to for support, assuming she was not on good terms with her parents then either. I'm assuming this because for them to send her to the academy, hoping to give her better opportunities only for it to end with her wanting to cut her wrists, to then thinking the best option is to send her away again? At this point I hope they didn’t know how badly the academy affected her because sending her away a second time with that knowledge is such a hurtful and oblivious move.

Kiara already thinks her parents see her as a burden, hurting her sense of worth as is. I really wanted to like the Carrera's and I still feel like they genuinely love and care for Kie, I just need to see more communication maybe. And if they choose to include the Blue Ridge plot, which I'm leaning towards yes on that one, I hope it's handled somewhat well, preferably not a tool to create drama even though I know a lot of people want to see it be used that way. I'm very particular, I'm sorry I'm this way.

Things I've seen her being criticized for in s2 is her behavior. The thing that people have to remember is that she's 16 and teenagers are just not the best with navigating their emotions. She made questionable choices (the 'murderer' thing and 'abusing' Pope) but these are both things that fit the plot and her character. She was by no means the only one grieving so I don't know why she's being targeted for it (although I'm not surprised, the fandom treats her horribly). Some of her core characteristics are her high moral integrity as well as her headstrong belief in people and causes. She's never been one to make herself palatable for people and s2 shows a lot of this (calling out the Cameron's, going off in front of the court, etc). Even if it caused them problems and even if they are flaws, that doesn't make her an inherently intolerable character, it makes her realistic. She was not in a good place emotionally and it would've been wrong to shy away from depicting it any other way, especially in a show where the teenage experience is decently represented.

Now with the Pope thing. I think it was handled as well as it could've been considering the circumstances. It really should've never happened but to justify it, emotions are messy, relationships even messier and they were both spiraling at the end of s1. I don't agree with the way it started (why give Kie the line of literally telling him she wanted something different only to show them together next episode, I'm forever confused) but I'm not mad about how it ended. They were both in the wrong at times so only bringing up Kie's faults is just unfair.

I believe they both tried their best and even wanted to feel the right things but learned quickly that's not exactly how it works, which was how it was supposed to be shown. Not as this romanticized, idealistic healthy relationship but as one that has its bumps and was bred out of all the wrong things. All of their body language pointed towards this. Pope didn't deserve to be hurt but Kie clearly didn't intend for things to turn out how they did. She wasn't mentally comfortable enough for a relationship and I can appreciate them showing this in the ways the writers framed it. Even the conversation with Kie describing their night on the beach, I think it was perfect. It was awkward but it was honest, which is so important.

Overall, I think Kiara's gone through a lot mentally that the show could be better at exploring. It doesn't have to be big, obvious lingering shots, they can be subtle and still mean so much to people who relate to her. Seeing someone on screen grapple with real life struggles (even if the show walks a painfully fine line as far as realism), it means a lot. Especially when mental health (more prominent than ever) is so rarely portrayed to translate in any significant way in media now. It's definitely something I would love to see get more time and effort so until then, just know I'll be manifesting the screen time Kiara Carrera deserves.

[stillness-in-green]

Chapter Thoughts: 359, Place of Learning

Sorry for the lateness on this one, gang; was tied up with other writings. Look for next week's to be more timely, and in the meantime, hit the jump!

"The messenger-bodyguard said he'll be going up top too!"

I hadn't caught this in just the scanlation, but comparing the official here to the leaks for Chapter 360, I guess that'd be Mirio, huh?  I suppose he or whoever put down his game piece in the planning session figured he wouldn't be much use against Shigaraki—his phasing is great, and his fighting style even better, but a normal human punch is not going to do anybody much good against Noumu-style toughness.

Comparatively, his phasing probably allows him to get around the interior of the structure much faster, which is an advantage when supplies need to get from one point to another ASAP.  But then when ShigAFO turns into an enormous barricade of hands, well, being able to phase suddenly looks a little more useful top-side, huh?  I had been wondering as of the end of this chapter why he hadn't been with his Big Three compatriots from the start, so I'm glad to see this little nod.

The business course stuff:

I have somewhat mixed thoughts, but on the whole, I rather like it.  On the one hand, I think "promoting heroes" has a tang of propaganda to it, which is rather at odds with the (nominal) objectivity of something like news footage or documentary filmmaking.  Of course, any kind of information can be skewed by its presentation, but it seems to me that talking of hero promotion, of image and presentation to the masses, is inherently embracing a certain narrative you're trying to put across.  Spiral Stack Hair Boy there even says it outright: He and his classmates are preserving a record of Heroes Victorious.  They are not there to preserve a record of e.g. The Tragic Death of Shimura Tenko or what-have-you.

On the other hand, I like Spiral Stack firing back—against an uncommonly young parroter of the "you kids and your cellphones" complaint!—that having records of events is valid and extremely important work.  He remains vague about "past wars",(1) but given how recently and repeatedly Skeptic and Dabi have demonstrated the impact of being able to choose how to frame a story,(2) the heroes would be wise to stop letting villains control the narrative!

In short, I'm dubious of the narrative that the Business Course kids are presenting, but I like that the story is engaging with the idea of how the events it's portraying look within the world.  It's good follow-through from earlier iterations of the topic, from aforementioned villain meddling to all the eyes on Endeavor, and even the whole discussion about heroes-as-entertainment versus heroes-with-human-needs.

Bakugou Stuff:

I like the jolt of panic in Bakugou's eye when ShigAFO breaks his arm; it feels like a relatively rare expression for him.

I had jotted down in my notes, "Bakugou thinking about the gap is good Endeavor paralleling," but I gotta say I liked it better before it got localized with baseball metaphors.  I already know there's a baseball OVA coming out, Caleb!  You don't need to remind me of all the inane tripe meant to move keychains and vinyl standees we're getting instead of anything remotely interesting!

I don't have anything in particular to say about the whole "Bakugou is, in AFO's opinion, closer to Deku than anyone else."  Frankly, as frustrating as it is being a villain fan at times, I'm extremely glad that I have barely any investment in Bakugou and negative investment in Deku, because I can't even imagine how much it must suck to be an even-keeled fan of either character trying to find any content that isn't vapidly OOC or vindictively mean-spirited.  Good Christ, the spoiler tags were still a shitshow two full weeks after the initial leaks for this chapter.

Aizawa (and Mandalay):

The electromagnetic interference could be legit, but also feels a bit retconned, particularly the handwave of Aizawa protesting that she got Midoriya a bit ago, so why can't she now?  Is the erratic communication going to serve a dramatic purpose at all?  Is it just to keep Hori from needing to update the reader on what Deku ran into last time we saw him when he isn't ready to transition scenes yet?

Also, Aizawa, exactly how fast do you think Deku is going to get here from halfway across the country?  Japan is seriously not that small.  Honestly, the American jets picking him up really is your best bet.

I enjoy his desperation, though.  S'good crunch.

On UA and the Big Three:

Man.  They really did just take the whole school up, huh?  Somehow I'd been under the impression that it was a fake, that Troy Fortress, not UA itself, but nope, that's absolutely UA.  What happened to all the refugees?  Are they still in the building, or hiding out underground?  Were they evacuated out to the refugee housing on the campus before the school took off?  But then why didn't one of AFO's spies contact him to let him know?  What was the point of the whole thing where the facility connects to Shiketsu if the school was just going to fly off into the sky alone?

It's—a shame, I guess.  I feel like there ought to be a lot of power in seeing the school trashed like this—it's been the main setting of the series for three hundred and fifty chapters!  It's the place where a bunch of friendships have been made, powers forged, little day-to-day victories and losses accumulated, all things a student would remember upon seeing their high school demolished. 

Also too, the symbol that UA represents is in ruins, the Number One Hero School that produces the very best heroes, the ivory tower the students were kept in that controlled what knowledge they gained and, for a very long time, cut them off from the world and the people they were training to protect.

UA needed to go down, I think, as so many other structures in this society do, but I wish the one toppling its towers could be Shigaraki Tomura, who once wanted to be a hero, for whom the whole building has been converted into a deathtrap rather than—per the title—a place of learning.  Instead, we get the AFO Vestige, whose only attachment to hero schools has been plucking promising quirks out of them like grapes from the vine.

Further, the students we get reacting to the destruction aren't the students I'd expect—the students of 1-A, the ones whose schooling we've spent the entire series watching.  Sure, the Big Three, as seniors, spent three times as long there as the main cast, so I'm sure they have a lot of regrets seeing those thrashed classrooms.  But the audience has never been privy to Mirio and the rest's school lives, so what they're remembering and mourning here is entirely opaque.

The only emotion I feel looking at the three of them is sympathy pangs for Suneater, because Suneater's one of my favorite students, and he gives me moe aggression.  That's entirely down to my being predisposed to empathy for Suneater when he's faltering, however, not because the story's given me any reason whatsoever to care about his feelings about seeing his school trashed.

Also, to come full circle back to the messenger/bodyguard, it's kind of eyeroll-inducing that Lemillion is now parroting the talk about holding out until Midoriya shows up.  Maybe it's just to make Bakugou look more singular next week, maybe it's the streak of pragmatism Mirio learned from Nighteye, but it does feel kind of a shame that the young hero who ran ahead to fight Overhaul solo is now also trapped in that mentality that only One For All can strike the necessary decisive blow.

I critique him now, but Mirio will have a much better showing in the next chapter, and I'm looking forward to writing quite a bit about it.

Odds & Ends:

Hori's dedication to Ame-comi-style sound effect lettering continues to impress.

Oh my god, Nejire's girlfriend complaining about her hair.  XD  I did laugh.

Shigaraki's hair not even getting solid black outlines anymore, even in closeups.  Good stuff.  Wish I wasn't so soured on the anime so I could more genuinely anticipate seeing it in color.

That heavy black silhouette of Shigaraki against the shattered outline of UA fuckin' rules.  Wish it was more "him."

---

1: But talking about concrete records of wars at all is a possibly interesting choice, given Japan's noted tendency towards historical revisionism re: Japanese warcrimes.

2: Not just Dabi's video, but also Skeptic's doctoring of the Deika footage.

[foricecream]

Short Thoughts: Children of the Sea

If you're feeling a little lost, I highly recommend Children of the Sea. Magical realism and verklempt animated art tell a wonderfully nuanced story, one that can be deeply appreciated regardless of how simple or how complicated a viewer's interpretation might be.

Even before the magic kicked in, the art struck me immediately: the level of detail in the roof tiling, the dirt, all the natural imperfections. Also, Studio 4°C portrayed Ruka as a teen wonderfully well, in how she exudes emotions without addressing them, and how she reacts viscerally to conflict, pride, embarrassment, and exclusion. Then, as the story became more magical, the art became more magical as well, especially with how the artists and animators drew outer space and the ocean. This film had the best animated water I have ever seen; sometimes they went for uber-realistic, sometimes super fantastical, other times metaphorical. Their water was amazing!

And you might expect that dedication to water in a movie with this title, but there were also many beautiful touches that I did not expect. I really loved the way they had the camera move and accelerate with Ruka in some moving scenes, instead of rotating or remaining stationary. I loved how they animated first-person vision going between air and water in a choppy surf. They captured the third dimension in two dimensions in such a convincing, artistic fashion, and made their scenes feel so wonderfully full.

This is another film where the writers resolve just about everything, from majestic tensions caused by the cataclysmic convening of all the world's oceanic creatures, to a couple of B-roll cuts of moths around a lit then not lit lantern, to unnarrated familial tensions, and to the very first scene that perturbs Ruka.

The small moments of tragedy and fear are both well-placed and well-paced. And with all the exquisitely understated drama, there's some really nice understated comedy too. I love how the story about Umi and Sora is the main story, yet not, and how Ruka, Ruka's family, and her school environment are the main story, yet not. And some of the most engaging conversations were between side characters, and those moments still felt so natural.

Fantastic, interesting musical compositions. Even in the most visually romantic, emotionally sweeping scenes, they rarely chose overflowing music, which I think really worked with Ruka's personality and how she struggled with fitting in, opening up, and self-reflection. Studio 4°C opted for quaint, mysterious, and expansive, and they grew those adjectives and their weight by repeating musical themes. They also did some muffling of the music during some underwater scenes...just...chef's kiss and all that.

It's so relatable how caught up Ruka gets in such a spiraling adventure that sends her into the universe and the deep sea without leaving home and the problems close at hand. That she's taken with the concept that whales can transmit their experiences fully, without words. The artists literally drew streaking galaxies and countless helices of swirling marine life, and they laid layers of visual and spoken metaphors that I will spend hours thinking about, but also through all that, they resolved what seems like a common insecurity.

I adore the ending where Ruka opens up and made me feel a little more at peace with the confusion, vastness, and vacillating fullness and emptiness of the present moment.

Until next time.

-For Ice Cream

[lorei-writes]

for the ikesen ask thingie

What would you tell people who are interested in IkeSen?

Can we get a glimpse of your avatar?

Favorite thing about the IkeSen fandom?

Least favorite thing about the IkeSen fandom?

Ahhh, thank you for retyping the questions, it’s very convenient! And thanks for asking! <3 

What would you tell people who are interested in IkeSen?

Well, it’s an interesting game with characters who offer plenty room for interpretation and possible developments, although it does entail plenty simplifications and misconceptions (especially in MC’s approach to the future). In other words, it’s not perfect, like basically anything, and should not be treated like it is - it can and even should be critiqued at times, imho. You don’t have to support everything happening in the game with 100% of your heart to be able to enjoy it, although it is also good to ask yourself whether caring about every single little thing is really worth it.

Don’t buy too much into gatcha, event epilogues are often so-so, save up chapter tickets for lucky time (or for when your fave’s route drops), birthday stories are really sweet, but they do come back each year (so don’t stress it too much) :D 

Can we get a glimpse of your avatar?

*gulps* I haven’t seen it in months, honestly. I have no idea what to expect. Let’s give it a go.

It’s not too bad, I guess? Usually it’s just a mess-creation of the items from all the routes I’ve played through, haha.

Favorite thing about the IkeSen fandom?

Oh, I really like the fact we have users of all ages! I mean, hm. It makes for a more varied approach to certain topics? I really appreciate it. I like the fact that there aren’t that many dramas too (although I seem to be extremely lucky? Even when some are happening, all of the information regarding them seems to steer away from my dash, haha). Overall, I’d say it’s a rather positive community, I’m not aware of any ship wars or the general bashing I was used to before. Perhaps it’s because we have a set MC? Huh, curious.

Least favorite thing about the IkeSen fandom?

*pours tea* There are a few things that fall into this category, although I suppose it’s just something that happens in every fandom. Emm... Let’s start from the less serious one.

People seem to be afraid to just babble or otherwise talk? I mean, hm. Not just in regards to comments, but ask games, sometimes tag games, in my case even requests. I mean, it could very well be that none of those things are interesting to anybody, but gash, I HOPE it’s not the case, haha. Like, come on, dudes, I’m just a student who tires to get by. I sleep with an otter warmie. I have to stop myself from hugging my unkillable mint plant. I’m just a person, if you feel like talking about the fandom or the game, or anything involving it, or even just chat - my DMs are really open, the same as my askbox. Although I guess such reassurances do little to easing anxiety, eh. Oh well. 

The other one is...Hmm... Well, this is going to be hard to explain, as it is in the language being used then too. I also think it applies to fandom spaces in general.

I know IkeSen plays on very strong feelings. It is hard to distance ourselves from them sometimes... But it’s necessary. Not all fights are worth being fought. Not all should be fought. Sometimes we feel very strongly and are absolutely wrong about the topic - or our feelings cloud the situation and we’re fighting the windmills. 

And sure, somebody may say that oh, you can’t stand indifferent in the face of injustice or something else of the like. And sure! You shouldn’t. But somebody misunderstanding your favourite character isn’t unjust. Somebody not agreeing on a fandom topic isn’t unjust. Somebody portraying somewhat possible scenario that does not reflect your personal feelings, values and experiences is not unjust. Pixels don’t have feelings. Bashing people for it isn’t going to change a thing. If my line of reasoning holds up, such behaviour could fall within the borders of discussion - and those, as shown by various studies, rarely change people’s minds on things.

This isn’t to say you shouldn’t be able to share those feelings. But it is better to let them mellow down a little before hitting post. Otherwise communication is hard or even impossible. Talk to your friends about it. Scream your heart out then - and if the matter is still that relevant, do read the message again and make sure you are replying to it, not to the picture of it painted by your hurt feelings.

And like, somebody may say that it’s easy for me to say so, that I was never made upset by a thing. But I was. I just don’t react to it. I blocked some people whose content upset me. They probably don’t even know I exist. Overall, not just in fandom, I do not engage in discussions with people who attack the strawman rather than the actual argument. I scroll by personal opinion posts I don’t agree with. I was sent anon hate on my main. I screamed my heart out and cursed to my friends when issues which regarded me personally were completely misunderstood and twisted. And then I sat down. And wrote a post. Calmly. And moved on. 

The language we use is especially important during fandom dramas and I don’t think many people realise it. Honestly, I do admit to purposefully using language speaking to anger and hurt - and to using it to try to convince people to ignore the person sending anon hate and to instead do something positive for the victim of it. Eye for an eye and the entire world goes blind. I understand the hurt. But spiral into it too much and it gets ugly. Unnecessarily so. 

It isn’t so that the matter should be forgotten and that the victim should suck it up. It’s only that posting in distress means the message will most likely not be clear. It will be loaded with feelings. People will react with anger over injustice (rightfully so, as anon hate is disgusting), but... They may use this energy in a destructive manner. And in the end, given how it all goes, we are all partially strangers to one another - they will know only as much as was written down. It isn’t to say that the victim is lying or to insinuate anything of the like. Just that, a few words too angry, at the wrong time, and instead of people giving you support, you will have people hurting the other side in hopes of making you feel better. And this isn’t right either. At least in my eyes. 

Oh, I also don’t like the fact that a certain person named Lorei ALWAYS comes up with complicated things and writes pages long essays, like girl, eat some chocolate or chips or chocolate chip cookies, will ya? smh. #callout 

[i-will-physically-fight-you]

The History Behind Unsympathetic/Sympathetic and My Personal Views on It

I’ve been in the fandom since 2018. I watched Can Lying Be Good? and I was desperate to find Deceit fic because heck, he was such a cool new character! But I was dissatisfied to find, time and time again, all the fics depicted him as a manipulative, abusive piece of garbage who was evil for the sake of being evil and no shred of good in his snakey heart. 

And look. I’ve been in fandoms since 2012. This fandom isn’t the first fandom to take a character and depict them that way. At that point in time, it seemed like Deceit was a villain (or at least an antagonist) and I was fine with reading villain Deceit. I just wanted more nuanced, multi-faceted Deceit. A Deceit who thought he was the good guy. A Deceit who did the wrong things for the right reasons. A Deceit who was a bad guy, sure, but human. I wrote the fic I could not find anywhere else in the fandom. So as funny as the fact that I rarely write Janus now, he’s the whole reason I ended up in this fandom. 

Shortly after the video aired, there was concerns over triggering content involved with this depiction of Deceit. Vice versa, there was also concerns about the depictions of Deceit in a softer, redeemed light. As some people found this to be uncomfortable for their own reasons. Simply tagging any and all Deceit content with just the character tag wouldn’t work. There needed to be a separate tag.

 I was never been involved with the fandom pre-Deceit, but I must say it’s really fascinating to see how his introduction to the series greatly impacted the sociology of the fandom to this day. Because this gave birth to the sympathetic tag and would later bring about the unsympathetic tag.

Yes, sympathetic, because largely the fandom view was that this character was an irredeemable villain and so the character tag acted as the unofficial “unsympathetic” tag.

 Keep in mind until SVS we didn’t get any substantial on-screen time w/ Deceit. We also didn’t really get much glimpse of what his personality was like before then, because the majority of Can Lying Be Good he was acting as Patton. That’s a LITERAL YEAR where the fandom had to guess at what Deceit was like.

Now fandoms, like I mentioned before, easily fall into a black and white morality when comes how they interact and perceive characters regardless of canon. Either a character is an abusive monster unworthy of redemption or they’re a soft cinnamon roll who can do no wrong. This occurred with Deceit.

For the longest time, there were two popular depictions of Deceit. An irredeemable abusive monster and a fluffy scaly boi who can’t help always speaking in lies (thus what he speaks is always reverse of what he really means) and could do no wrong. It was dark times for those who reveled in morally-grey Deceit, who could not find fics who weren’t these two extremes.

Which I’m not saying either popular depiction was bad. The beauty of fandom is that everyone is free to create and interact with however they like. it just seemed to me to be wildly different from the little we had seen of Deceit. 

Somewhere down the lines, the “unsympathetic” tag was born. I’d like to believe it was sometime before SVS but I could be wrong. Again--Deceit was the catalyst for this. It was argued that using the character tag for the placebo “unsympathetic” tag caused those who liked the character to be made feel bad for liking the character. 

But there still needed to be a tag for those who found abusive/manipulative depictions of him triggering, right? So the unsympathetic tag was born.

Definitely after SVS was the first instance I remember the unsympathetic tag was used for a character other than Deceit (A shocker I know!!). Some people found Patton’s behavior in the episode to be manipulative. Art/fic depicting him to be this way was created. And since, the unsympathetic tag was a concept that already existed in the fandom, it made logical sense to start using that for Patton. 

And eventually, of course, this spiraled into using it for the other sides. Any fic/art depicting a side to be on the same levels of fanon Can-Lying-Be-Good Deceit was given this tag.

When Remus was introduced w/ DWIT, the fandom reacted rather differently. There was a huge show of acceptance & support for him, in a way that Deceit didn’t receive in CLBG. He was given the “cutesy cinnamonroll” treatment, with people calling him a trash goblin and adopting him. Of course, there was the opposite effect happening as well. With art/fic depicting him as a ruthless monster. 

And there was still people who found the character uncomfortable/unsettling, myself included (it’s taken awhile but I’ve warmed up to his character). So a new tag, different from unsympathetic/sympathetic, was born. The “DukeDontLook” tag. This tag has fallen largely out of use, for similar reasons as the character tag for Deceit being used as a placebo for unsympathetic Deceit.

However, I think the latest episode illustrates a valid point in all of this; although the “unsympathetic/sympathetic” tags were born out of good intentions, it does not change the fact that in some ways, they’ve been more detrimental than good. Pushy is pushy, as dear Janus would say. It forces the fandom to view content through a narrow black-and-white lens. 

Whereas the series has shown, it’s much more complex than that. These characters are more than just the good sides (”Light” Sides) vs bad sides (”Dark” Sides) of Thomas. They’re part of a human’s personality and humans? They’re flawed beings. They’re not wholly good or wholly bad. Same goes for a singular human trait. The world is grey. Janus can be right sometimes, just like Patton can be wrong sometimes. And there’s nothing erroneous with that.

But! That does not change the unsympathetic tag served a purpose for a reason. And that the reason? To help those find characters depicted that way upsetting. So how can we help those who need it? 

In my opinion, “unsympathetic” tag should be replaced with “villain” tag (Ex. “villain logan”) if the character is a clear antagonist. If it’s a fic, even include that in the warnings/author’s note. If it’s more complex than using that label, elaborate. (Ex. “This character will do something that some might find to be triggering”)

TLDR: The Unsympathetic/Sympathetic tags started out of good intentions, but I believe it has caused more harm than good. It’d be best to replace “unsympathetic” with “villain” as those who wish not seeing a character portrayed in that light can then block those tags.

[woodfrogs]

In-depth analysis of c!Wilbur from Quackity’s stream under the cut let’s go:

When Wilbur is asked what he wants, he says “protection for my people.” Here, he’s clearly speaking as President. Even Quackity points this out. And obviously, it’s a really Presidential answer. But I don’t think it’s entirely an act.

L’Manberg was founded as a refuge from tyranny. Fundy and Tommy were jailed, their houses were raided, for simply doing a bit of potion-brewing. (Which, in-universe, are drugs, but the people doing the raiding literally had the materials for potion-brewing on them as well. Besides, the morality of L’Manberg’s founding is a whole other debate.)

The point stands, Wilbur’s intentions were good. He “built the walls to keep [Fundy] safe.” He gave his all to the revolution and to his leadership, even though he doesn’t recognize this. He calls himself a bad and distant leader to Tubbo, who agrees, at some point during the elections, I think. (I can’t find the clip rn.) And while he might have been distant, yes, he clearly strove for the best.

The problem arises with his belief of how to provide that protection. He thinks the only person who can truly keep L’Manberg safe is himself, and that’s partly where his need for control arises. He can’t put the country in anyone else’s hands, not without risking them ruining everything. He can’t trust them to properly protect it.

Wilbur’s initial refusal to talk to Quackity “as a person” could stem from a couple of things: 1. His paranoia manifesting in not wanting to consort with the enemy; and 2. He doesn’t feel like a person outside of the role of President. This is where the other half of his control issues come from.

His Presidency was his coping mechanism. Remember, when he wasn’t putting on the front of a stable leader, he cried into his pillow. It’s not a stretch to think that he didn’t feel like a person outside of that.

(And, on a more meta level, he was rarely - if ever - on the SMP, not as President. Pretty much every one of his streams, especially once we get to the election, was plot, and so were a lot of his appearances on other’s streams like the Railway War. It’s really a part of his identity.)

“I’ll try” pretty much confirms this. He doesn’t even know if he can speak without being President anymore.

Quackity says “I like to believe there’s a good side to everyone. And I believe that’s where you and I are very, very different.” He says he doesn’t want people to feel unwelcome in L’Manberg, like he did.

Wilbur “completely disagrees.” He calls Quackity’s beliefs optimism, and says he won’t let his nation’s security be jeopardized for them. That’s the good ol’ paranoia manifesting!

After being beaten down by those not in his nation, plus after Eret’s betrayal, it’s no wonder Wilbur doesn’t feel like he can afford to take risks on who to let in and who to keep out. He’s been burned before, after all.

I feel this also ties into cc!Wilbur’s line from his podcast about “a twisted understanding of what is mine,” and his need for control. His character thinks he has a right to limit who can live in L’Manberg, even though it’s clearly grown larger than himself.

“Everyone has a good side. But that good side is only there to help themselves” feels like a jab at Eret. They helped the revolution, they were actually technically on L’Manberg’s side before even Tubbo! But as soon as they saw something greater for themselves, they left.

If Wilbur’s slightly in his “I’m not a good person” mindset already, (not quite to the extent it is in Pogtopia,) he could be saying that about himself, too. He claims to want L’Manberg to “protect the people,” which is a noble cause and true in its own right, but it’s also because he needs it. He doesn’t know how to live without it, anymore.

(Also, setup for redemption pog?)

And then we get to the power thing.

So, first things first. The first bit of this conversation reminds me of one he had with Tommy, on the stream where they write the Declaration iirc? Basically, Wilbur tells him that he has to commit. They’re not just an attractive movement, they’re a revolution, and he can’t be half-there.

Here, Wilbur’s discussing the exact same thing. He’s telling Quackity if he wants change, he can’t just have a simple movement. He needs something more.

“If you have a revolution, everyone will hate you. You’ll sacrifice everything, and you’ll lose everything you’ve ever had. But you’ll come back and everything’ll be changed.”

This is really interesting from the standpoint of President Wilbur, because it’s so clearly referencing his post-exile character arc? I mean, it’s even overlaid with clips from the Button Room.

The “everyone will hate you” bit really sticks out to me. That’s his paranoia coming out again, his belief that he’s not good enough to be President and that everyone secretly hates him.

They did sacrifice a lot in the revolution as well, and yeah, they bounced back from the losses. I feel like, especially for Wilbur, everything really did change. Suddenly, he’s in charge of a country he didn’t plan for (”then one thing leads to another and I’m leader of a nation”) and he just went through a war. He’s no longer an equal with everyone, anymore, he’s their President. His relationship with his son is falling apart, and he’s straight-up enemies with half the server.

Then he gets to talking about power, and he says this:

“Power isn’t gained from diplomacy [...] It’s gained from swords. It’s gained from blades.”

So, my immediate thought was how much this resembles his mindset in Pogtopia, where he literally asks Techno to repeat his line about “the only universal language is violence” and agrees with it. But this reveals he already had that mindset back during the election, probably even before. The war made him realize that he can’t get anywhere in the world without violence. Which is interesting, because when discussing the election with Tommy, Wilbur says there are two options: holding a democratic election, or instating themselves through force. He didn’t want the latter.

But then I remembered this, from back at the beginning of the war for independence. “The L’Manberg way is: We talk at them. We lull them into a false sense of security, and that’s when we stab them in the back.” He’s always kinda had this mindset of violence solving problems, but only as a last resort. He never physically fought back, not until Dream literally declared war on them. Only then did he consider violence.

When they actually win the war, he realizes that the only way to get and keep power is through fighting. And so he internalizes that until Pogtopia. (An interesting thing, though, is that the war literally wasn’t won through violence. It wasn’t the bow duel that got them independence, it was Tommy trading his discs. Bargaining, not violence.)

“Even if everyone has this good side - if they want to prove it, they have to show their dark side first. You’re going to have to kill. You’re going to have to torture. You’re going to have to maim.”

This is him confessing to not being the paragon of peace and diplomacy he portrays himself as. He admits to having these dark thoughts, this bad side. It’s the start of him seeing himself as a bad person, that really surfaced in his snap.

But the interesting thing is, he never did those things. He didn’t take any canon lives until November 16th, he never tortured, he never maimed. He claims they’re necessary for power, without having done them himself. Does he see himself as powerless?

This makes sense, at this point. He called the elections as a desperate grab for control he felt he was losing over his people. Even that failed, and he found himself in an actual fight for his country. Since the start, things have spiraled far past where he wanted, and now he’s potentially losing his leadership.

He feels he’s losing control of his narrative, and his snap is partially a desperate grab to regain it as he assigns himself a role he knows he can play. Because one thing he’s never really had is true control.

And, finally, he says “as a fellow outsider.” Wilbur literally didn’t consider himself a part of the people! Which ties into his whole “not having a life outside of the Presidency” thing. He’s not one of the people of L’Manberg, he’s their leader. He can’t lean on them for support, at this point he even fears they hate him.

So the biggest takeaway from this conversation is just how much Wilbur’s mental health issues were affecting him even during the Presidency. Specifically, how he lost faith in “words over weapons” earlier on than we thought and just how much he depended on L’Manberg for a sense of control, despite not seeing himself as a part of its people.

[intp-energy]

Why Raelle and Scylla’s relationship works

So I felt like I needed to get this off my chest because of how some people are perceiving and reacting to their relationship right now. This is a long read, so brace yourself. :)

I like their relationship and while some may feel that their story was rushed or that they don’t have chemistry, we’ll have to look at the characters in isolation from each other.

Raelle. We have to remember that Raelle’s mother died just a year ago. She is still grieving and to be able to find someone you connect with and understands what you’re going through is a rare thing for her. To find someone who can make you feel like you want to live and to live everyday is very difficult if you’re grieving so when she found Scylla, she was thrown a lifeline and was given purpose to continue on. That would develop a certain co-dependence, which I think Scylla was really banking on given her initial objective. We also need to understand where Raelle grew up and how she grew up. Her father is human and in their world, that’s something that’s frowned upon. She was most likely considered weird — so again, to find someone as weird [or as sexy weird] as you, is a rare thing and you would want to cherish and protect that relationship. So when it came to the wedding, despite Scylla crashing it (which, yes, may not be proper etiquette - but remember, their world has different rules. Who knew that you’d have to enter into a contract just to keep a man for 5 years? Scylla participated in the wedding and was beside Raelle when the binding took place, so eventually, it kind of wasn’t really a big deal anymore), Raelle was very bleh about the reactions of Abigail and Tally. She was already very angry at the beginning when she couldn’t bring Scylla, would you really think she’ll be worried about what Abigail thought?

A whole lot of people thought Raelle was very selfish and didn’t think about her unit and that her unit should always be her focus. Apart from the reasons I gave above (being so deeply inlove and connected to another person who you would LIVE for; “I like doing everything because of you.”), we have to empathize with Raelle and figure out what she’s feeling. For me, I think before she met Scylla, she’s basically just forced into the institution that killed her mother and has no choice but to comply “I hate to break it to you, beautiful, but there is NO WAY OUT.” That feeling of helplessness will destroy anybody. Heck, she even wanted to go to the front line as soon as possible, had it not been made clear to her that she will be taking Tally and Abigail down with her. She doesn’t want to be there, but she also doesn’t want to be responsible for Tally and Abigail being in danger. She is still innately a healer, so helping others is a calling — just not a strong enough calling for her to want to live for it, but enough to not make her screw things up for her unit.

We’ve also been shown her family tree and it was a very small one. Having a bloodline that short could be very lonely and could make her believe that she was simply meant to just perish like all of her other ancentors. There wasn’t really a point in continuing, 1) she’s gay and will not get pregnant unless she wanted to, 2) she sees being a witch as somewhat of a curse (remember that she has a human dad, meaning she knows what it’s like to have a “normal” life and not be doomed to answer to a call that will come when you’re 18), and 3) if I were her, why would I want my children to suffer the same fate as our family had, I would rather end the bloodline. She is grieving and if you think it’ll take a mere year to get over someone so close to you, then you have a very good coping mechanism, unfortunately, not a lot of people get that because while you may have a good support system, grieving is still a process. She has no one, she only has her father who is grieving with her. It was meant to spiral.

Scylla. I think I’ve made my point about grief and like Raelle, Scylla is grieving. Her parents were killed and unlike Raelle who used depression as a coping mechanism, she used anger. She may very well have joined the Spree because of anger and because she wants to destroy the institution that took her family. If you have no one, yes, it feels lonely, but it also feels like nothing else matters. It feels like this blind hatred and revenge will somehow compensate for the grief and loneliness that you’re feeling. Maybe it’s also meant to dampen that sadness and convert that into something greater, something worth fighting for. She believes, as a dodger (always remember that she’s a dodger, she grew up with different ideals), that witches should have a choice and that choice is taken away because of the accord made hundreds of years ago. She believes that by joining the Spree, she could save the lives of the witches who were killed and hunted (like her family) because they wanted to be free. At this point, I don’t even want to comment on her redemption arc because we don’t even know which deaths she was directly responsible for. And again, I’m not making up excuses for her, but she truly believes in the cause and may believe that she’s saving more lives in the long run than the number of lives the Spree is taking. When I think about Scylla and the bad things she did, I think about Regina Mills, who took how many seasons to get the redemption she deserves. I don’t see why we can’t give Scylla the same. I don’t even want to go into the rabbit hole that is Villanelle and Eve. If you want to define toxic, that’s the pair, but it’s oh so delicious to watch, isn’t it?

I would like to point out that as dodgers, we know that Scylla would have been a social pariah. That was a very lonely way of living and was very self-deprecating; add the loss of her parents and she’s just a mess. As Helen Graves, she told Raelle that she’s weird, spooky, and generally separated from others because of her being a necro. She was very hopeful though because she wanted Raelle to be patient with her as she opens up. And to find someone who is very much willing to do that, that must’ve felt like she struck gold, but here lies the complication. She has a mission and she starts to question this because she’s developed feelings for Raelle. I couldn’t imagine how it must’ve felt for Raelle to include her and make her feel like SHE BELONGS - first, by introducing her to everybody (even at the wedding), and second, by fighting for her. So her reactions to save Raelle from the Spree is very authentic and it horrifies her because by saying I love you (and I choose you), she basically signed her own death sentence or she’s basically accepting the fact that she’ll be living her life running and not belonging. AGAIN. She was prepared to do it, though, so her decision to save Raelle wasn’t rash. She already developed the connection using the spell she did. When she said that it was so that she could say hi wherever Raelle was, she was essentially saying, so that I can keep the connection even while I’m running or being tortured, whichever the case. That must have been really hard on her - saying her last I love you, knowing she might not see Raelle anymore. So we really couldn’t deny that these two love each other deeply.

Their relationship. Okay, yes, it started as a mission for Scylla and desire (or at least an effort to feel alive) for Raelle, but because of the deep connection they have based on the stuff I wrote above, it makes perfect sense how they’re portrayed right now. Scylla is terrified that loving Raelle may harm Raelle in any way or may mean her own death and Raelle is terrified of losing yet another person she loves. These are two very closed off, very scarred, very deeply emotional, grieving people who found each other despite the circumstances. Of course, they’ll be awkward or sometimes it’ll feel like they have no chemistry; well, they’re protecting themselves from getting burned - they’re closed off and being careful. They are, individually, people who’ve been shunned by the world because of their circumstances. They have very different, mostly difficult, situations and upbringing and their priorities weren’t really supposed to be about love. They weren’t expecting it, they don’t know how to deal with it or act around someone who is getting very close to them - it was NEVER in their plans. Of course, it’ll look rushed, we don’t have a lot of episodes in this season. Of course it’s weird because we’re so used to the dynamic of one bubbly person paired with a broody person. It just so happened that they paired two very complex, very introverted (most likely INTP - check out MBTI if you want to know more) characters - and we’re not used to watching that. We’re used to the chase, we’re used to the giddiness, but the reality is that these people went through hell and are both still going through a lot. And the fact that they’re depending on each other in unconventional ways is something that people see as unusual or even boring. If you step back, it’s actually very beautiful and complex. Even the exchange of gifts was seen as creepy and weird, that’s exactly the point, they ARE weird, they ARE people who other people usually misunderstand. And that’s besides the point that, again, this is a different world. Their customs are different, some of the things they’re used to is different. We’ll have to look at their world in their lens to understand it better. So I do hope that before judging the relationship, fans of the show would sit down and really think about what the characters are going through. This isn’t the feel-good movie you want to watch and just not think about. It is very well-thought of in terms of complexity and world building. This is the type of series that will take you away from your current world and your biases and show you a different perspective and an angle you may not have considered before. Give it a chance, open your mind, and take the journey with the characters.

[australian-desi]

Rest In Peace ~ Sushant Singh Rajput

Hey guys, I was going into a spiral thinking about SSR and everything he went through and I needed somewhere to write my feelings down. There’s so much noise about this on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, I didn’t want to add to the noise, bashing and overall negativity, so found this to be the best place. I’m sorry in advance if I offend anyone. This is going to be very long. 

Sushant Singh Rajput the Actor and Human:

I’m not going to lie, I wasn’t his biggest fan, not by a long shot. I watched him in Pavitra Rishta every now and then because my mum was obsessed with that show and I used to be confused as to why everyone was obsessed with Manav and Archana - I was 12 years old when the show started and just felt it was another saas-bahu serial. However, to this day it amazes me how Manav and Archana were able to capture their audience for three consecutive years when their story was another saas-bahu serial. It was obviously the actors portraying them, and it takes a lot to grab someone’s attention and keep it on yourself. SSR had that energy. I remember then he came onto Jhalak Dikhlaa Jaa, I watched that show quite religiously because of my love for dance, and was bowled over by how good of a dancer he was. He had perfect lines, and his posture was amazing, I was in awe every time he danced. I remember that in that show he proposed to his then-gf in the cutest way possible, a proposal that is etched into my mind till this day. 

He then left his daily soap, for a career in Bollywood, it was a very risky, bold move because it is a well known fact - Tellywood actors, are rarely able to make good careers in Bollywood. Most of them become irrelevant after their first or second movie. But man was everyone wrong about Sushant. I didn’t watch Kai Po Che, but I remember the buzz around it at the time, everyone was talking about it, and it was one of the biggest movies of that year. He then did Shuddh Desi Romance - a movie I was inclined to watch because he was in it, I was slowly turning into a fan, but I didn’t get the chance to watch it. Then came PK. When PK’s trailer was launched, SSR’s cameo was kept a secret, I remember I was in the theatre and he came onto the screen and absolutely owned it. His performance as Sarfaraz won me over, and a smile still comes to my face when I remember him in the song “chaar kadam”. SSR had an amazing screen presence, he knew how to keep the audience’s attention on himself and a lot of the time you would forget this Sushant Singh Rajput, in fact you would only think of him as his character. The brilliance in his craft was the ability to become his characters completely, to the point you think of them as a real person. The next movie I watched of his was MS Dhoni - a movie that became a sensation. Everyone who went to the movie as Dhoni fans, came back as Sushant’s fan. He deserved that and more. You could see his hardwork, his passion and his dedication in everything he did. I remember when the trailer for Raabta dropped, I was super excited two of my favourite actors - Sushant and Kriti had come together. At that point I started watching more interviews of him and got to know him a little from what he portrayed as a person. Raabta flopped at the box office, however, personally I enjoyed it and I was amazed at the chemistry he had with Kriti Sanon. In Kedarnath, I was so excited that Sara Ali Khan was doing her debut with him, and man both did not disappoint. Kedarnath was an amazing movie and Sushant portrayed his character with utmost conviction. Chichore was the last movie I watched of his and I absolutely loved the movie and him in it. The themes and overall message of that movie hit deep, and it was intelligently made, with comedy mixed with the darker themes, but not taking away from the main message they were trying to convey. Overall, even though I wasn’t a fan of him at the start of his career, he had won me over. 

I also started adoring him as a person. His love for physics and astronomy; his eyes full of curiosity and enthusiasm towards the great unknowns. He didn’t finish his engineering degree, but the childlike wonder he had towards science made me excited as a scientist myself. He showed everyone that he had a brilliant mind and I’ve said this before and I’ll said it again, actors who are educated and well-spoken make me respect them more, they have a different way of thinking, they are eloquent and they show how much education can do for a person. SSR had all of these qualities. I could hear him speak for hours at a time. His instagram posts were always so deep and meaningful, it would make me thing differently, and his 50 things bucket list inspired me to no end. Especially how much he wanted to do for other people and how much he wanted to grow as a person. He also had an infectious smile, his smile used to make his fans smile and it takes a big person to do that. 

SSR’s Death: 

I was doing an assignment when one of my friend’s had sent me the news. I thought it was a hoax at first, but then I googled him, and it was true - Sushant Singh Rajput had committed suicide. Honestly, I’ve been distraught since then, I cried multiple times, and I can’t stop thinking about him, the pain he must’ve felt in order to take this decision, and whenever I saw his sisters or dad I cried even more, the sadness and despair I felt would be nothing compared to theirs, especially because his death was preventable. I’ve never been depressed, I’ve had my fair share of panic attacks and anxiety but I don’t know what depression is. I only know what I’ve studied, that people who are depressed have physiologically different brains to people who are not, they have decreased levels of oxytocin and serotonin, and that they have less grey matter. I’ve also been told that this causes them to not be able to function, they sleep too much, become unable to socialise, and their brain starts to turn them against themselves. However, I believe that there is always an underlying cause of depression. There are triggers for depression, a person doesn’t become depressed over nothing. I know everyone wants to know the trigger; why did he take such a drastic step, but he didn’t leave a note. He left with silence. I know it is difficult, but I feel that we should respect that, however, we should not let him die in vain. 

But I’m going to be real here IT IS NOT OUR PLACE AS THE GENERAL PUBLIC/AUDIENCE OR FANS TO GO ONTO OTHER CELEBRITIES TWITTERS/FB/IG AND CALL THEM MURDERERS. How dare we think that we can blame other people for someone’s death. I don’t care how these people treated him while he was alive, let them mourn him in peace. His death has taught me one thing, not one person is toxic, not one industry is toxic, all of us are. The person who is now checking up on every single person that they usually would not care for because of guilt, the girl shouting all over my timeline that Karan Johar, Deepika Padukone and Alia Bhatt murdered SSR, the boy screaming that x person didn’t post about his death they wouldn’t be affected by this or they don’t care. Every single person. Everyone needs to stop with raging on social media. They need to take a step back and breathe, and mourn and let others mourn. 

My take on Nepotism and Bollywood: 

Here’s the crux of the issue. Bollywood. I’m your average desi girl, I’ve grown up watching bollywood, being obsessed with it. To the point that at a certain time I only watched Bollywood. Then the whole nepotism scandal hit. I remember thinking to myself then, what’s the big deal? Also did people really not think about this until an actress had to come speak about it on national television? Did no one realise that Bollywood has been preferring starkids over other talents for decades? I used to think that yeah, Bollywood has nepotism, but where does nepotism not exist. The truth is nepotism exists everywhere. A doctor’s child becomes a doctor. A business man’s child becomes a businessman etc. But here’s the thing, the doctor’s child has to work towards becoming a doctor, he/she has to go through the same steps that other non-doctor children have to do. The only advantage they get is, that their parents might be able to help prepare them for what’s coming, and it’s not like every doctor has doctor parents, both people get equal opportunity. The child of a doctor just has more insight. However, in Bollywood, there is no equal ground, it isn’t as if a starkid only has it easy to get their first movie. Nope, they sign their second or third movie before their first one releases. Take Sara Ali Khan for example, she had already signed Simmba, before Kedarnath had released. Now take Anushka Sharma, she didn’t get her second movie two years after the release of her first one. Nepotism does exist, it will exist, but in other industries, the people who aren’t a product of it are still able to get promoted, to do good work and receive equal opportunity. However, in Bollywood this is not the case. It has never been the case. This needs to change. This needs to desperately change. Especially because nepotism didn’t use to be as bad, as the products of nepotism were still talented, but now, they are not, and SSR’s death can bring this change, because Bollywood is losing it’s credibility, and as I consider Bollywood my own, my home, I want it to do better. Actors who come from non-film backgrounds and television deserve to share space in mainstream cinema with those who do come from film backgrounds. 

Where From Here

In the past couple of years, we’ve become a horrible society. We pretend to like people when we meet them, and then bitch about them behind their back. We also think that whatever comes to our heads we can say to whatever celebrity the way we want because them being public figures is an open invitation for us to say hurtful things to them which normally we would not say if we meet them in person. We are the people who cry about nepotism, and then when a movie doesn’t have a big star in it we go “we’ll watch it at home, if we have time, why waste money going to the cinema”. We are the same people who cry about mental health issues and to raise awareness, when we think its absolutely fine to give a celebrity death threats because of a comment they made. We are also those people who cry about how SSR was treated unfairly, when we had a chance to go see his movies but didn’t. Who gave us this authority to be able to judge? Who gave us the right? If we won’t talk to other people with such disrespect in real life, why can we over the internet? WE. NEED. TO. DO. BETTER. AS. A. SOCIETY. 

We need to stop shaming people, we need to support artists that aren’t star kids, but also support star kids. They don’t deserve the hate they get either. It isn’t completely their fault that they are given more opportunity. It’s our fault too. We are the ones who make them successful. Directors know that they could sell more tickets with Ranbir Kapoor on the poster than Sushant Singh Rajput, even if Sushant Singh Rajput is a better artist. We need to support both talents. We need to show filmmakers as an audience, that both artists should be given equal opportunity. That the only thing nepotism should do for a starkid is just give them insight on what a life of an actor is like. That is all. They should also go to auditions, they should also be accepted or rejected based on talent. And for the love of god, we need to stop getting celebrities to judge other celebrities based on acting skills and sex appeal. it’s 2020, we can do better. 

Also to anyone who’s having any sort of dark thoughts. Please, I beg of you talk to someone. There is someone who loves you; your parents, siblings, teachers, friends, family, that brown guy in your dms. And if you truly don’t know anyone that you can talk to, talk to a therapist on a free hotline. My inbox is also always open if you want to chat. 

To Sushant Singh Rajput - I will miss seeing you at the movies, your smile and your interviews, and how much of an inspiration you were to me. I hope you are at peace now, and finally found happiness. 

For anyone who read this - thank you for reading my absolute ramble and I hope I made sense 

Here’s a dumb joke to make you hopefully smile a little, or at least roll your eyes: What do you call bacteria found in Agra? Agraculture - does this even make sense. IDK. All I want to say is, that I’ve been an absolute dukhi aatma for the past couple of days, and now its time to smile, and look at some positives. 

[helloteeceeblog]

I wrote this pastiche years ago based on the first issue of Grant Morrison’s comic ANNIHILATOR and like, might as well post it?

ANNIHILATOR

Fitz Kreiner pulled another cigarette from his pocket. It was in his mouth and lit before he realized he hadn't finished the last one. Or the one before that.

FADE IN:

SPACE. THE VAST PANORAMA OF THE GALAXY.

Stars wheel through the spiral of the Milky Way as the camera moves toward the centre, the supermassive black hole at the nexus of space and time.

A blue box spins through the void. Behind it, a grey cylinder, menacing, spikey. They crash together, spikes piercing the blue-painted wood of the first box.

INT. THE TARDIS.

Reimagined from the classic series. It's like a gothic cathedral rebuilt by Jules Verne and H.G. Wells.

THE DOCTOR as portrayed by Sylvester McCoy. His question mark cardigan has been replaced with a more formal suit. His hair is longer, he looks worn and haunted. He runs through the corridors of the TARDIS, pursued by COMMANDER MAXIL. This is a new regeneration, no longer performed by Colin Baker. Maxil's features are obscured beneath the shadows of his helm. He carries a Time Lord gun, a STASER.

MAXIL Doctor! You have been tried and found guilty! This time justice WILL be properly executed in the name of the Time Lords!

DOCTOR Stuff and nonsense! The Time Lords are corrupt and decadent. The Time War has turned them into monsters.

The Doctor stops. They wrestle, and the Doctor gains control of the staser. Coldly, he fires it directly at Maxil's head. Maxil's head jerks back. He grunts in pain and falls backwards into an end table decorated with a vase full of flowers. Blossoms and petals erupt into the air.

DOCTOR I am the Doctor. I am Ka Faraq Gatri. I am the one who stops monsters.

FADE OUT.

"Are you listening, Fitz?" Fitz's agent, Anji Kapoor, was looking impatient. Better nod.

Fitz nodded.

"You promised me a screenplay. This is fifty pages of act one," said Anji. "I need more than this. If you don't deliver, Fitz, Michael Brookhaven gives the gig to someone else. Someone younger."

"I've almost got it," said Fitz, adding another cigarette to the burning mess. "I just need a little more time."

"It's been two years since your last movie," said Anji. "Five years since The Taint. You're not Hollywood's enfant terrible anymore. Brookhaven wants to turn this Doctor Who pilot into a series. You nail this, you still have a career."

"I'll get it for you," said Fitz, lighting another cig.

"When?"

"Monday," said Fitz. "I'll have it for you by Monday."

****

Fitz dropped a cigarette down the sinkhole. It continued to glow as it spiralled down into the darkness, growing smaller and smaller. There was no sign of it hitting bottom.

"Are you sure about this?" asked the realtor. "We can look at other houses in your price range."

"I like this one," said Fitz. He dropped another cigarette into the hole, just in case the laws of physics had changed. "It fits my mood."

"There's a literal sinkhole in the living room," said the realtor, as if this wasn't obvious. "The whole place might collapse at any moment."

"Like I said," said Fitz. "I'm a writer. I'm looking for inspiration."

"Well! That does explain why you'd want to live in a crumbling deathtrap. Writers are eccentric." The realtor nodded sagely. "I write a little myself. Would I know any of your work?"

"Have you seen a film called Interference? Or The Taint?"

"The Taint? With Tom Cruise, right?"

"That's the one," said Fitz.

"That was out a long time ago."

"A long time," said Fitz. "Yeah."

"What's your new film about?"

"It's a reboot of the classic British science fiction series, Doctor Who."

"Never heard of it," said the realtor.

****

Naked bodies writhed on the floor around the sinkhole. This was a *proper* orgy. Boys, girls. Fitz didn't care. They were there for atmosphere.

"Stop talking to me," Fitz said to one of them. "I'm trying to write."

FADE IN:

SHADA. THE PRISON OF THE TIME LORDS.

Darkness. Only the centre of the room is lit. The DOCTOR, as portrayed by Paul McGann, is strapped to a table surrounded by Time Lords in dark, chitinous armor.

INQUISITOR DARKEL Confess, Doctor! Confess your crimes!

DOCTOR I confess! I'm criminally handsome. And brilliant.

INQUISITOR DARKEL Tell us about the girl, Doctor. Tell us about Peri Brown.

DOCTOR That didn't happen! That was a lie! Your lie!

DARKEL It did happen, Doctor. Now you will be imprisoned here with her, as a reminder of what you've done. Forever.

The background darkness is lifted. A coffin-like structure behind the Doctor is revealed. Within it is the frozen body of PERI BROWN, played by Nicola Bryant.

DARKEL She was your companion, Doctor. You killed her. You removed her brain. How do you sleep?

DOCTOR As seldom as possible. I usually wait for a Cyberman or one of you lot to knock me out. But I didn't do this.

DARKEL You did. Confess!

DOCTOR You really think you've caught me? I'm insulted.

DARKEL What do you mean?

DOCTOR The flowers in the TARDIS. You'll find they contain a rare pollen dangerous even to a Time Lord metabolism. I've been immune, of course, since my fourth regeneration, but you lot should find yourselves falling into a coma very soon.

The TIME LORDS begin groaning and falling to your knees.

DOCTOR And I slipped out of my bonds forty minutes ago.

He stands up.

DOCTOR Now that the monsters are dealt with, it's time for my real work. I, the Doctor, vow to reverse the order of creation. And find a cure for death!

Fitz blinked slowly at his scene. The orgy was still going on in a desultory sort of way. He groped for another cigarette, finding only empty packs.

"A cure for death," said Fitz. "I'm a genius."

He banged his head against the screen.

"This is rubbish. Absolute rubbish."

****

"This is rubbish," said Anji.

"I know," said Fitz.

"You said you'd get me something by Monday."

"This is something," said Fitz.

"This is incoherent at best. How stoned were you when you wrote this?"

"Ran out of cigarettes," said Fitz.

"You look a mess. When was the last time you slept?"

"As seldom as possible."  

"You look like someone punched you in the face for being an asshole," said Anji. "Is your nose bleeding?"

Fitz slowly tumbled from his chair, landing on his face.

"Fitz? Fitz?"

****

Fitz woke in a hospital bed.

"You don't remember how you got here?" asked the doctor. A doctor. Not the fictional character Fitz was writing about. That would be stupid.

"I don't remember anything," said Fitz. Senselessly, he groped automatically for a cigarette, knowing full well there wouldn't be one in a hospital.

"You have an inoperable brain tumor, Mr Kreiner," said the doctor. A doctor.

"It's Fortune," said Fitz. "Call me Fitz Fortune."

****

The police pulled him over on the way home.

"Have you been drinking, Mr Kreiner?"

"I have a bloody brain tumor," said Fitz. "Just give me a ticket. Give me all the tickets."

"We'll take care of this, officers," said a new voice. "FBI."

Bright light shone in Fitz's car window. Men in suits and dark glasses. "Does the name 'the Doctor' mean anything to you, Mr Kreiner?"

"I've just been to the doctor," said Fitz. "I have a brain tumor."

"You've been to a doctor. Have you been in contact with an individual answering only to the name 'the Doctor?'"

"Is this a joke? The Doctor is the lead character in my screenplay."

"He's a fugitive. If he tries to make contact with you, let us know. My fiance loved 'Interference," by the way."

Fitz grunted. He'd had enough of this nonsense. He'd had enough of everything.

When he got home, he took a long drink. Whiskey. Still out of cigarettes. Fuck. He found a gun in his desk drawer and raised it to his chin.

"Fitz Kreiner." A stranger's voice. Plummy, amused.  Fitz had never heard it before, except in his head. When he was writing his screenplay.

Fitz opened his eyes. The stranger was wearing a green velvet jacket. A cravat. His hair was long, auburn. His eyes were blue. His face was handsome, aristocratic. Somehow not human.

"You called me, Fitz. So here I am. I'm the Doctor, Fitz. How can we help each other?"