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In other news from my hometown: A demonstration against right wing extremism has had to be shut down earlier than expected due to overcrowding. Instead of the 10.000 people expected to take part in this, between 80.000 (according to the DGB) - 130.000 (according other organisers) people attended.
#hamburg meine perle#going german on main#by the time i clocked off and was ready to go#it had already been closed down#no afd#current events
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#good omens#´hello friends!! how are you!!#I hope you're doing well! ( ´ ▽ ` )#I have a big cough but otherwise I am good! It's nothign bad I am just very slimey#usually I am not a cough person I am not sure where this is coming from#most of the time I just get a stuffy nose#has my nose gotten stronger#but there are good news too I have already found a VERY good chestnut to put into my pocket this autumn!! its very small! (❁´▽`❁)#it's been a very warm autumn in Germany so far so it has not really felt like fall yet#but yesterday it was all rainy and stormy and I had two new books and it was the best day possible to have a slimey cough (:#and now I feel SO much autumn I am close to buying a set of window colors#I do not know what I would to with the window colors I just have this strong urge in me to buy a window color set#the last time I did a window color was at the birtday of a class mate I think she turned 9 and I made a deer#but for some reason we did this craft 5 minutes before we all had to leave so we had to carry our window color deer home wet#unfortunatly for the deer and me I fell down the stairs of her house and smeared the deer all over me and i screamed the entire drive home#which wasn't very long but it probably felt very long for the mother who had a screaming child covered in window color deer inside her car
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on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.
Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.
Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.
Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.
There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.
#svsss#luo binghe#svsss au#scum villain#scum villian self saving system#shen yuan#shen qingqiu#disciple shen yuan#lbh. visibly exhausted and with twitchy eyes: im fine :) | everyone else: ho no the fuck you ARENT.#SQQ was hysterical not because he found out LBH was half-demon but bc he was having a long-awaited mental breakdown over his autonomy :)#or (limited) lack thereof. he was having a sudden onset crisis of mortality and was handling at quite literally the WORST time. oops#im thinking very hard that LBH would never push his disciple into the abyss especially with no system to force him to. so SQQ either#had to goad him into it (failing always) or throw himself in. he ended up doing it himself but not before some very impressive hysterics.#BUT ALSO. IF THIS HAD BEEN WHERE SQQ WAS THE HALF-HEAVENLY DEMON INSTEAD IT WOULD'VE BEEN SO GREAT.#and by great i mean horribly angsty bc SQQ is NOT doing too hot and has. in very SY-like fashion. convinced himself that LBH will kill him#when he finds out he's a demon. so when it comes out i have this mental image of him lunging at LBH and LBH flinches back. but SQQ wraps hi#hands around the blade of Zheng Yang and yanks it up so the tip of the blade is digging into his chest where is heart is. LBH can't yank th#sword away without risking slicing into SQQ's hands. SQQ's hair has fallen out of its tail/bun and is now messily spilling down his#back and its NO helping the kinda deranged look he has going on. he's visibly shaking and his eyes keep flittering away and back at LBH's#face. SQQ is looking at the messages from the system warning him that he has to go into the abyss or punishment will occur. he's like.#rambling though. talking about how shizun doesn't *like* unclean things and there is nothing more unclean than a demon. like he is#INSISTING. LBH can't?? get a fucking word in. actually. SY isn't listening that much either anyways. too overwhelmed with the system and#the amount of stress he's under and his crumbling mental state and the innate and primal desire to live even when he's standing in front of#his own executioner. it all ends with him sitting on the ground at the lip of the abyss with his hair falling in his face. he looks so#unkempt and fallen apart and so distinctly *non-Shen Qingqiu* that LBH feels physically ill over it. tears are streaming down SQQ's face#and despite everything he is smiling. its not a nice smile. its a very frayed falling apart at the seams about to crack smile.#he tells shizun not to worry about staining his blade with this disciple's filthy blood because this disciple will take care of it himself.#and then he falls into the abyss before luo binghe can so much as grab him. the only reason LBh doesn't literally jump in after him is bc#he was numb with shock and the abyss was already closed before he could feel his legs again :]
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so uhhhhhhhh. not to be cryptic and bitchy on main but congratulations to everyone in my messages for like 5 months on being right i guess
#ramble#ughhhhhhhhhhhh ok so#i will delete this later bc idk if this person has tumblr and i genuinely mean no ill will i just need an outside opinion#i vented about it on my close friends story already but i need like. a neutral party#i won't say their name but if you're on other socials you probably know who it is#basically for a while i've been getting messages saying 'this person has hacked your art style' or 'is REDACTED your alt account'#and in the beginning there were like. similarities? but nothing i could really claim and also i don't want to accuse someone of theft#like i don't own any stylistic choices or anything. i've used things from other artists i like. honestly it's kind of flattering#and we are actually really friendly in DMs now and we even joke about it. we message eachother any time we get a comment about it#i made a joke literally 2 weeks ago about how we're two different people i swear#but after adding some Very specific things to my art (like the paper texture/hatching/shiny lighting). they also added them#and i gave them the benefit of the doubt bc i don't like to believe anyone has bad intent with stuff like that. and i've done the same obvs#but recently they dropped some tav lore and it was. basically a panel for panel copy of one of my cyra comics down to the HAND PLACEMENT#and obviously i don't own the Bitch Mother trope or anything but it's just. mmmmm it makes me feel weird#idk it just feels like it's gone a bit far now and i'm not sure what to do about it#like you would think after we became moots they would get scared and stop but i think i was too openly trusting and they just kept going#recently someone on THEIR PATREON thought they were me and they weren't even one of mine (which by itself is funny but. y'know)#i don't want to call anyone out or upset anyone bc it only causes more problems but like. i Know. and idk if they should know that i know#maybe i'm just stupid idk i really trusted that it wasn't happening but it is and i don't know how to feel#hONESTLY I'M JUST MAD THAT I CAN'T DO ANY MORE CYRA LORE NOW BC PEOPLE ARE GOING TO ACCUSE **ME**#also PLEASE do not witch hunt this person i want to deal with this as quietly as possible#i really felt like i was in the twilight zone or just being paranoid so i had to ask
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something bad did indeed happen to that man. spent abt 25 minutes trying to find a better picture of that one (1) offical piece with his eyes open that wasnt compressed or tiny
#library of ruina#yan library of ruina#getting comfortable doodling some objects and mannequin shapes for very obvious reasons. i read the keypage story and now it has a grip on#my brain. wanting to go ahead and plan it out and then draw the mangled memory and nightmare that replays behind the eyelids in the darknes#it was cool to see the reason confirmed from my speculation. twas indeed another reason of blocking out present pain with closing of eyes#considering they made angela have a plot important reason for doing so it would only make sense for another to have a reason for it as well#well. after having a prominent part inside the thumb/index story line. its just going to be yapping about yan now i think#let me add a spoiler tag i suppose? vauge but just incase i dont want to be an asshole. even if most already have played rhe game#library of ruina spoilers#lor spoilers#i really liked the typewritter effect over the voice after distortion. especially so when the effect finishes before the actual garbled voi#does. it makes it feel as if it were being read out after it being written down rather than of own words or volition. along with the text#upon the screen during the fight being just prescripts rather than anything relating to the man himself like the other instances with such#text had been. paired w the name of distorted yan being untranslated to keep the intent of the name being unreadable or not understandable#more into the idea of stripping away of the self or any sense of a self. not personal and not even him anymore. the following of a goal for#the goal for it is given and there isnt any hope of having the ability to not do such a thing. people yearn for a reason and something to d#and for it to be given to them to not hold responsibility nor have to do their own choices anymore. once a crushing weight weighs down#inside the face of an absolute cruelty that is perpetuated and that crushed the dreams or even desires having them be but nothing how can#one move on? it was really nice to see at the end of the fight. its easier to just say such things than to actually do them. even if the ac#ions dont even feel as if they are ones own or that there isnt any say in the matter having to endure all the pain for seemingly nothing it#still is pain. that feeling inside is still real. it still happened. regardless of the circumstances that brought them about#the thumb/index or just fingers seem to be an exaggerated to the extreme showcase of how the colletivist mindset in an unhealthy manner#could be exhibited. the thumb with its hierarchy and absoluteness and the demand for respect along with its strict layers of showing who is#below and who is above. the ability to have power over those underneath . the participation inside of it and the already brought up yearnin#to be apart of a group and to have a title and position inside of a group and of power and even a desire like from pete to join one iirc#the index being of the cruel perpetuating cycle of pain people inflict upon one another a behavior beaten and upkept by the systems as they#drift and desire to live. which causes them to partcipate in that cycle out of necessity. cruel acts upon another in order to live and seei#a need to go ahead and do such things for if they dont they die and another will just do the same to them. social sciences talk and rolands#talks abt how the city opperates reinforce that fact. the index and prescripts are really just a show inside that extreme manner and in a#more literal sense of that. it was really cool to read it..
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SPENCER REID WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BISEXUAL!?!! AND THEY GAVE UP ON THE BEST IDEA EVER!?!!! IM GONNA LOSE MY FUCKING MINDDDDD
#i started watching criminal minds last month 😃 i am on S4 and since S1 i’ve been getting bi vibes from reid#and i thought it was just my gay brain doing its thing BUT NAH#he WAS supposed to be bi#im gonna scream#i wish i had stopped myself before opening this wikifan page#I have this insanely bad habit of checking wiki fan if a show is over 6-7 seasons long#and i generally scroll down to the character ‘trivia’ but reid’s was SO LONG i just read the first few and scrolled to the bottom#to see the last trivia 😃😃😃 i was about to close the tab i didn’t want to get spoiled more than that i already have#AND THIS WAS THE LAST ONE#why did i have to find this out now all i’ll think about will be ‘what could’ve been’ and how it didn’t happen#criminal minds#spencer reid
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Guys. I think that Aviae/Morrigan may be endgame... I'm romancing her with the bi companions mod and this shit got me kicking my feet... I'm only at the very very beginning but
THEY MAKE ME ILL IM GONNA THROW UP OUYGHGGH
#dragon age#oc: aviae surana#sorry alistair... morrigan stole ur bitch before you could even flirt with her#originally the canon was aviae/alistair during origins then they break up post landsmeet then aviae/morrigan get together post witch hunt#however. i think i may just skip ghe aviae/alistair breakup#i like the idea of it still but.... avimorrigan during origins...#apostate witch who has always been free but has deep down longed for others company x circle mage who has always longed for freedom but#always had people surrounding her who loved her and she loved in return. is that anything#that and like. i cannot see aviae falling for alistair after she finds out he was a templar#even after she knows he never graduated + lost an apetite for it after seeing his first harrowing#she just cant relax enough around him for that#i think theyre still friends! close friends even!#but i just don't think she could do it#im playing this run much more like aviae not as whatever appeals to everyone the most#so thats something i never factored in to other runs#'do you object?' 'not unless you stop' GOD IM SO.#hagaghahsh i love morrigan so much#she should have been bi in canon. like i like Lelianas romance it just. never did it for me ig?#like tis good just not. my favorite#MORRIGAN i am already giggling everytime she pops up. hi morrigan yes anything for you Morrigan#worldstate: mage rights#my ocs
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On the one hand, I don't believe Megumi and Gojo were ever too close, even if their apparent closeness called my attention since their first scene together because of the way they behaved and talked to each other.
On the other hand, Megumi was a fifteen years old with a lot of problems, a pretty bad childhood and a bit of an attitude to say the least, and Gojo, besides Tsumiki, was the "paternal" figure he could turn against
#In his 'you're nothing of mine!' phase is what I'm saying haha#I mean he sort of did that with Tsumiki already and then regretted it when it was too late#I know he doesn't speak to Gojo using the language structure that showcases closeness#But I find it so clear in their dynamic despite how little it is developed. How Megumi comments about slapping him on the very first chapte#Gojo taking pictures of Megumi because he look terribly worn down. Gojo and Megumi knowing each other‚ truly‚#their personalities and how they deal with stuff‚ before Megumi truly begun his studies in Jujutsu High at the very beginning#Megumi making that comment about how Ijichi is useless to make him leave as Gojo did#How they train together. How Megumi asked. How Gojo knows Megumi doesn't like asking him. How Gojo knows Megumi's mind#and what happens behind his decision making and how that's linked to his personality and way of seeing life#How he warns him and advices him in that very context. How that saves his life#but how also that is kinda in a way what Gojo does at the very end. The letter. The laughter. Megumi's soft smile alongside Shoko#It's not much. They didn't have a super close bond and it wasn't a dynamic the writer developed much at all#not even the 'not close' aspect of it#But yet it's there nonetheless. The clues that they knew each other first and knew each other for years and thus *knew* each other#And the fondness#So yeah I don't think they had the closest bond at all but also Megumi enhancing that they don't talking to Gojo in a distant way#because he's going through that 'you're nothing of mine/you're not my dad!' phase and thus ironically demonstrating they are indeed close#is such a funny idea to me and the fact it's sort of canon-compliant#(given his personality the traces of their closeness and the Tsumiki situation) makes it all the more hilarious xD#They're everything to me and could have been even more had they been developed a bit more. Even if just in their nothingness#But wow is their relationship juicy and interesting#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#Ignore the typos I'm feeling lazy
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okay lol mini rant in the tags sorry i just HAD to get this off my chest 😭 sorry if this is very incoherent and poorly worded or structured or whatever i'm just. pretty out of it and i cannot really think to write this properly. well, that or i am probably just illiterate actually. Yeah that's it lol
#why are friendships so complicated#in my last year of senior high school at an all girls school#i transferred last year#and it's just cliques left and right#they all hate each other#i'm the type of person who can vibe with all of them even if their personalities are very very different#i am kind of friends with everyone in the sense that i can find common ground and have interact comfortably and enjoyably#my friend group from grade 11 (theyve been friends w each other for so long and i was the newcomer) dissolved this year bc things went down#i dont know the full extent of what happened#but those five friends split and three have merged with another group#the group that isolate my other two friends and seem to not like them#at least the “leader” of the group anyway. Not so sure about the rest#and now i am stuck in the middle lol. I have other friends from other groups but they have their own groups#the three girls already have each other and the new group (it's kind of a mix of me excluding myself on purpose and them not including me#in things presumably bc i am still “close” with my other two friends they don't like#it is a weird dynamic because me and the other group the three other girls merged with can vibe with each other#we can laugh with each other and enjoy each others company when theyre not talking shit (they rarely do it in front of ppl so i havent rlly#seen the full extent of it)#and also my two other friends are obviously closer to each other than with me since theyve been friends for way longer#i remember i had a conversation with one of my friends from the three girls that split away#it was something like i have to tell the class this and that etc since im the president#and i am not a very assertive person i am also very scared of being disliked. I told her i didn't want the class to hate me and she said#“everybody likes you you are friends with everyone”#it really doesn't feel that way. why do i feel like secretly they are talking shit#again i dont even know why we split up#but now i am just. Stuck in the middle#the thing is ive never even heard my other three friends talk shit and do nasty stuff with the new group/the main clique of the class#i havent seen the bad side to anything that i hear whispers about because ive never seen it#i havent been subjected to it either#i feel like i am wrong about a lot of things but i am just. blind or too deep into my people pleasing tendencies to not realize shit
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My headcanons for StEx characters' ages. (You know... if they were human.)
Okay, so for me, (original) StEx takes place on March 27th, 1984.
Dinah: 23. Dinah really gives me that “Youngest of the coaches" vibe, and knowing that Frances Ruffelle and Jane Krakowski were both 18 when StEx debuted in London and on Broadway (respectively) and Natalie Howard was 21 when StEx debuted in Bochum definitely adds to that vibe for me. (To me, she’s a Pisces, and would’ve very recently had her 23rd birthday.)
Greaseball: 32 or 30, but he’s almost 33 or 31 because I headcanon him as an Aries. I was feeling that Greaseball is a bit older than Dinah, but once I learned that Elvis & Priscilla have a 10-year age gap, I was like, “Yeah, that tracks.” (No pun intended.) But then I thought (literally while writing this), "Hmm, does G.B. seem almost 33?" Even with Jeff having been 36 when StEx debuted, Greaseball gives me more of a 29-31 vibe? Idk for sure now! 🤷🏽♀️ My headcanon is that he & Dinah have been together for almost 2 years.
Rusty: 24 or 25. I’m not entirely solid on his age yet.
Pearl: 26. I know people usually see Pearl as quite young, but I'm feeling 26 exactly from, like, every version I've seen of her.
C.B.: 25. Or 26.
Ashley: 30. I read that Ash is like “the big sister” of the girls, while I feel like Dinah is the little sister.
Buffy: 28.
Electra: 29-31.
Volta: 29.
Joule: 24 or 25. She has that younger energy; I don’t mean physical energy, I mean in her personality.
Poppa: 65-70.
Belle: 53-57.
The Rockies: 24.
Dustin: 23 or 24.
Flat-Top: 20. He definitely has the vibe of being the youngest, and I’ve read him described as quite young.
2nd & 3rd Class Sleepers: 26-27.
Duvay: 27. (I’ve gotten the headcanon that she is Ash’s younger sister, which is why I am including her.)
...
I don’t care about the new Belle or Carrie or Killerwatt. I haven’t thought about the ages for Krupp, Wrench, or Purse; I honestly... don’t pay much attention to those 3. 😬 👀
#stex#stex headcanons#starlight express#dinah the dining car#greaseball the diesel#greasedinah#rusty the steam engine#pearl the observation car#cb the red caboose#ashley the smoking car#buffy the buffet car#electra the electric engine#volta the freezer truck#joule the dynamite truck#poppa the steam engine#belle the sleeping car#the rockies#dustin the big hopper#flat top the brick truck#headcanons#txt#Not Greaseball's part being a whole paragraph... 😐#But I feel like everyone sees them as really close in age or the same age and like they've been together for YEARS and I just... don't.#I see them as only being a couple of years into their relationship; not long but long enough to *know* each other#and to have had some ups and downs already.#And I see them as having some years between them but not as many years as Jeff and Frances. You know?
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#ahh‚ the other half of team tasty. the ever-so-ravenous subject of wurmple's endless fear#swellow#i've already talked at length about how much i love team tasty but this is Literally the team tasty Guy this is Him!! it's the Dude!!#ugh every team had like. goals‚ didn't they? and bulbapedia lists their goals. i remember 'cause team meanies just said cause trouble#or something like that. fuck lemme go look#okay no team meanies was “wealth and world domination” fine#DAMN team tasty's purpose is unknown. i thought there would be SOME subtext in the game with how much dialogue they have#i'm gonna have to replay pmd sky all over again just so i can closely follow these two's story down to a fuckin tee#i gotta keep a very close eye on these dudes next time i play it. but. i'm gonna finish totk first because holy shit#i love that game. a lot. i've been playing it like all day the past few days after work#fellow totkers rise up. this is not a zelda blog it's a pokémon blog#here's swellow
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Red Tape tied in a bow (P1 | P2 | P3) (Patreon)
Also decided to give a go to the caption thing again since this one’s rather dialogue-heavy!
[Panel 2] Peepers: Uhm...sir? Hater: What. Peepers: Could you- do you have the full paperwork on our health plan?
[Panel 3] Hater: Health plan? Peepers what in grop’s name are you talking about??
[Panel 4] Peepers: It’s really no big thing, I just wanted to see what was (and wasn’t) covered-
[Panel 5] Hater: Commander Peepers. Are you planning to commit insurance fraud on my dime? And you’re asking me how?
[Panel 7] Peepers: P- hahahaha! I would never dream of it, Lord Hater!
[Panel 8] Hater: Then-? Peepers: I just want to see what’s covered, sir. Like I said already...
[Panel 9] Hater: Hrmph. It’s all personally approved by me, so feel free to ask, Commander.
#Doodles#Wander Over Yonder#Commander Peepers#Lord Hater#Oh I had an InOrdinate amount of fun with this lol#Bunch of quiet little inspiration pieces all clicked together into a full page in one sitting that was too fun to set down and go to bed lol#First of all doodling Peepers in a binder? Sparks joy completely#He's not satisfied tho - I considered angsting it up a little or having a discovery mini plot but I feel like those are so done :P#Rather just let him skirt the line and see how close he can get without tripping over it! :D#Hhhhh they're both so fun to drawwwww <3 <3 <3 Peepers with his expressive body language - his leg tucked behind the other in the second!#Also that BG >:3c Hater's room is cool haha#And then Hater himself ah ♪ His face is especially satisfying to work bit by bit until he looks like himself! :D#I was mostly striving for consistency in these so a lot of his expressions are quite similar to the preceding panels - hopefully noticeably!#The ones of him backlit and in profile tho were also very fun! ♪♫ Peepers' posing in the latter as well ahh :D#Even with that I still feel a bit restrained I wanna push him even further!! Cartoony!!! I get excited with every step closer hehe#Also thinking a lot around their early relationship ahh ♪ We never got to see their backstories ouq It's a shame#But we do see Hater and Wander's early dynamic and how Hater changes the more he's exposed to him lol so it's fun to extrapolate from there#A semi-serious paranoid evil electric skeleton man still getting used to having to depend on others <3 Until Peepers proves himself#I mean if he's already a Commander by this point he must've been doing something right but for Watchdogs that's a kind of low bar lol#It's fun to think he was motivated for his own selfish(?) reasons until he started seeing Hater as a proper comrade :)#But until then >:3c Trust very shallow all the way around! Awkwardness and uncertainty! Ah! <3
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reading about autistic meltdowns is crazy. in retrospect maybe that time i ended up sobbing self isolating and lashing out at people because I couldn't figure out how to set up my laptop the same way it had been before might've been because of The Autism
#i cannot deal with changes to things I deal with regularly#i need to have my phone and comp exactly the same lest I Suffer bc i use them every day#also perhaps i would get so upset over my mom cleaning my room (although being a nice gesture) is because she would move shit to places-#i didn't know and messed up the system i had#also fuckin. executive dysfunction. that's some shit isn't it#i had to move to a new desk early in my job to run a different room and the desk setup was different and I Was Struggling A Bit#also people trying to calm me down during meltdowns is significantly worse and i read a bit that was like.#'trying to interject into the meltdown may cause additional sensory overload. it's most safe to let the person self-regulate.' well shit#that's about right huh#autistic burnout also seemed very familiar and its a little disturbing just how close everything hits#anyways im probably autistic. good night#mossy's rambles#text post#luci's rambles#autism#neurodivergent#autistic things#autistic adult#autistic experiences#if anyone would like to add to the pile and tell me im autistic feel free ig. ive already been peer reviewed
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if i have to pay a $200 fee for a lock out that was the fault of my building's maintenance team, that might be my last straw
#genuinely how was i supposed to know that maintenance left my bedroom door open but the lock on the handle turned??#all i wanted to do was test that the handle finally latched properly#after months of me not being able to 'close' the door without barricading a book stack against it#i had already put my bag and keys down in my room because i hadn't even seen the note they left in the living room saying they had been by#again i just wanted to test the latching! why should i have expected the door to lock when it hadn't been closing period??#i made my email as reasonable as possible and they have proof of when the maintenance was done and when i made the call (same day)#but i can see them digging their heels in on this#this is just the worst possible time for me to have to pay a bullshit fee#so you better believe i'm gonna dig my heels just as hard#personal#edit: also $200 is such a bullshit made up number#i maybe could have swallowed $50 but $200 is wild even if the lock out was my fault#it wasn't like i called at 3AM either; it was after my 7PM class#edit 2: i'm trying not to be insanely stressed about this but i'm actually about to start climbing the walls
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servers genuinely scare me
#before i had a bad experience with a vent channel with some (previously) close friends and they basically said “that's not a valid struggle”#so now i'm nervous whenever i vent in larger settings#it also links with a feeling of alienation like you all know each other already but i'm just here but won't reach out#because you all hate me? and don't want to hear it?#delete later#like was it the wrong pla⁶ce or time to say it am i ruining your fun am i letting you down#i've always been the outcast that everyone knows but d
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#tag talk#vent#also I'm gonna complain because I had another experience of “I look dumb because I assumed things followed rules and they don't”#okay so most heavy machinery uses keys (as opposed to numberpad locks) right? right. so I'm renting out a boom lift to a guy and we finish#finish the rental process and I go out with him to unlock it and get it hitched up to his truck. and I'm like oh right you need the key.#so I go in to the key box and there's a shit ton of keys and they're supposed to be organized and of course they're not organized at all.#so I take a picture and text it to my tool tech and then call him to be like hey which fucking key goes to the 35' boom lift???#and he gives me a vague description that matches 3 keys so I'm like okay I'll figure it out from here. and I check and all 3 keys have#have different teeth. now most times the same brand and type of equipment will just have the same key. a kubota key will turn on most kubota#but they have different teeth. so I'm like okay I'll just try each key. it's only 3 keys it'll be easy. so I go out and I try the first key#and it turns. cool. problem solved right? I get suspicious and try another key. it also turns. I get worried. I try the third key. it works.#I'm now concerned because they're literally keyed differently. so I get worried they they all turn but maybe they won't really all Work#now in retrospect I realize that it's not that complicated. like those cheapo locks that have a “key” but really can be opened by anything#but I'm stressed. the inspection process already crashed on me once. and I'm alone and behind schedule for closing up shop.#and because I learned a rule as a kid. locks can't be opened by different keys. and I had 3 different keys.#so I call my tool tech again and I'm like man I don't know which is the right key they all turn in the starter#(it's electric so it's not like an engine turns on or anything.) and my tech is very clearly confused and I'm panicking because this guy's#been trying to rent this boom lift for the past thirty minutes and the program crashed and now this green kid doesn't know which key to use#and anyway. I realize all too late that any of the 3 keys would work (even though they're. once again. literally KEYED DIFFERENT)#and I have a mortifying moment where I just.. hand him the key and am like “any of them would work”#and I've been sleeping like shit the last few days so I've been stuttering like hell and he's been giving me sympathetic looks the wholetime#and anyway I'm gonna go down myself in the bathtub or something I feel like a fucking idiot#need one of those “be patient I have autism” shirts or something.#and like.. I'm MAD. because keys are supposed to work how keys work. I got taught how locks work and now they work differently??? ughhhhh#I know it's stupid but I'm mad because it's a stupid little thing and now I look like a fucking idiot and I'm not and yet I am#I know if I were R this wouldn't bother me and I would laugh and be able to slow down my mind enough to speak slowly and clearly#but I can't I'm not her I'm not wearing my armor right now I'm stuck weak and stupid and I know I'm venting I know I know I know I know#I should add the vent tag so people can block this accordingly. so you can ignore my- no calm down buddy don't get that self pitying okay?#hey it's alright. I'm gonna post this and we're gonna have a chat okay?
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