#it gives me a bad feeling in my guts
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Whenever I go out and actually talk to new people or decide to watch new series or films I rediscover how important romance and sex are in our society and my mind is blown once again
#my microcosm is so gentle to me as an aspec person#i curated it that way#thankfully cause this kind of makes me sick#it gives me a bad feeling in my guts#aromantic#aroace#asexual#aro#aspec#ace
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something about the main menu for life is strange genuinely makes me wanna collapse and sob
#like not just the music but the overall visuals yknow#it's like this gut wrenching#almost nostalgic ????#feeling that hits like a truck#especially after playing the full game#seeing how peaceful things could be is almost like#i dunno gives me that feeling of dread when you've done something you can't undo#seeing how good things could be but knowing you don't get to go back#sorta thing#it's just#something about beautiful pictures having gut wrenching back stories#does something bad to my brain#naturally#i dunno i'm half asleep and rambling#but yknow what i mean#i'm trying to put it into words as best i can#it's like#it really is just like what growing up feels like ig#especially when it doesn't turn out how you want#wanting to go back and warn yourself so you can hopefully make things easier and more ideal but obviously you can't#that's kinda what the menu feels like#music and all#especially those goddamn birds chirping#ok goodnight#life is strange#chloe price#max caulfield#lis chloe#lis max#pricefield
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netflix one piece live action feels a little like fanfic in that it makes sure it hits all the important notes but doesnt do all the work to make them hit which works in fic where the reader is supposed to bring all the emotional story investment from the original but doesnt work in a multi million adaptation that is supposed to be able to stand on its own or even serve as an intro to the series. it even does this in service to have more koby and helmeppo gay moments in this essay i w
#one piece#opla#the fleshing out of koby and helmeppo is like honestly good its a beacon of light its truly really fun#and all the actors are great it is just what they are given .#they didnt let nami do any real betraying. they didnt even have her steal the merry!! she just stole the map that they added in!!!!#ddont get me started on the gutting of sanjis intro. i dont give a shit about if don krieg appears or not i need to see this guy fuckin#feed the hand thats about to kill him im going to start shaking like a dog.#im almost madder krieg appeared for just a little id rather have that time be used for. anything else really.#like have one of arlongs guys starved half to death when they get to arlong park!or idk anything! no gin appears look its gin! you know him#sanji doesnt even get to beat the shit out of a shitty guest. like i guess he does a little but it feels so blink and you miss it#+the first like two eps were good!! buggys great hes scary and weird and fun. i dont mind that he sticks around longer in theory#but the way he is comedic relief instead of basically every character having funny bits is like. ahghhhgggg. its a symptom of this really#mean and edgy feeling the whole thing has. like the removal of people missing usopps pirate calling :( and how cocoyashi didnt know#nami was working to help them. like p. please. can we have caring and bonds in this world?? trust and love???#anyway. sorry for having expectations of a netflix show im so close to putting this into a more proper form rather than tags. just to get i#all out of my system cause fuck man.#anyway solid 7/10 not as bad as it couldve been
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I’m just saying. I’m just saying that there was some SHADY shit going down at Spock’s school
I get that there’s a huge concern over keeping your emotions in check, but if you actually think about it, they would know and accept that kids have a harder time controlling their emotions, and so they would have systems in place where if a kid lost control of their emotions, they’d help them calm down and talk out how that kid should’ve logically reacted
What I’m saying, is that it would’ve been more in character for the school officials to look through security footage (which would’ve existed!! with it being the future and the way Vulcans like to document everything to the exact nth) and try to talk to Spock about how he should’ve reacted in that situation
Which means they would’ve seen the group of kids taunting him, and something about them makes me think that this is a reoccurring situation, not just with Spock, but any other Vulcan kid not deemed “Vulcan” enough
So although they would’ve done something about Spock losing control of his emotions, they also would’ve been more concerned about the kids making this a terrible learning space for other children, and they would’ve seen the logic in stopping the problem at its source
But instead no investigation was done? Against three kids cornering one, three kids who I’m sure would’ve been in multiple situations where they’ve had some kind of alternation with another kid, who would’ve let the adults know the other kids were taunting them? No investigation?
I think it was a coverup. I don’t think it’s just the school’s xenophobia either, I think one of those kids’ parents, or all of them, have ties in the school, and every time their kid is almost caught for doing something bad, they have the teachers tell the victims that the best thing to do is to control their own emotions and let it happen, making it seem like it was the victim’s fault so their kids get away with it and no investigation is done
I think the s’chn t’gai family should have sued the school.
#s’chn t’gai family#sorry sorry sorry#still thinking about this#that WHOLE scenario is sketchy#I think if they started suing the school then multiple families would’ve come forward#I have been busy all day so I haven’t been able to check my notifications#(I’m really worried that they’re going to find small reasons to fire us so we don’t our severance)#(cause the company I work for is shady and there was a specific section in that email that let us know we can still be fired)#(before our laid off date)#(and we lose severance if we are)#(so I was *focused* on being a model employee today)#yeah so no tumblr today#just opening it rn to do this feverish rant before passing out#that school just gives me bad vibes#there’s no way Vulcans wouldn’t do a full investigation#they would’ve.#I feel it in my guts#s’chn t’gai spock#Star Trek#Vulcans#every day I think about how all those Vulcans who met Amanda should be lucky they met her because SO MANY other humans#would’ve beat the shit out of them#hell I’m surprised they didn’t their ass beat by other Vulcans for some of the shit they try to pull#currently imagining a Vulcan lawyer and multiple Vulcan families going after the school to raise my mood a bit#sorry for this weird rant based off a scene from aos#I just. know something off was happening in that building I can FEEL it someone in their needs to answer for their crimes
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i personally believe that deku is more likely to have vices than katsuki
#idkidkidk it's just the gut feel#they're both extremely stubborn just in different ways#but i think deku's a lot more susceptible to trying new things especially when he's under pressure#and i think his obsessive behavior makes him cling onto things easily --- it's easy for him to form habits whether it's good or bad#i also think deku's disregard for himself translates like. it wouldn't bother him as much that smoking is bad for him#he wouldnt care if the sleeping pills are bad for him down the line --- as long as it gets the job done for him to perform properly NOW#maybe unless mama inko or all might begs him to stop sjdfhbks#i feel like katsuki doesn't really give in that easily and is a bit rigid in that regard that he sticks to doing things his own way#i also think katsuki... tho equally as insane... kind of has a future-sense to him? IDK. like. he looks very much towards the ripple effect#like he understands the concept that if he unnecessarily ruins his body for immediate relief it won't be good in the long haul#and it's an overall decrease in performance eventually.#IDKIDKIDK my mind is stewing... brewing... thinking...#FORGIVE ME IF THE TAKE IS WRONG HBFAHAHAHAAH#this concept is a bit darker than i'd write so idk if i ever will but these are just my Thoughts#i talked so much again
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Honestly the one thing that really frustrates me about Hyrule Warriors is how they cut Linkle being Link's sister, because otherwise it would have recontextualized Warriors entirely as a character.
This is mainly just headcanon territory, but something always bugged me about him being a knight in training from the get go, mainly because it's usually never any Link's first choice with First, Sky and Wild being the main exceptions (Gaepora took him in, and Gaepora runs the knights academy, makes sense he'd want to join then plus he'd probably want to protect Sun, plus Skylofts knights function differently than Hyrule knights, they don't have the same hierarchy and Skyloft is pretty peaceful before SS truly picks up so again, makes sense he wouldn't have troubles joining, we don't know First's reasons besides him seeing evil on the horizon and deciding if no one's was gonna do anything about it he might as well do it himself, and Wild was basically recruited at a young age for pulling the Master Sword while presumably young, he was never given a choice), we see it with Four, he's a blacksmiths apprentice under his grandfather and we see in his manga him practically baring his teeth at his father he won't become a knight and he doesn't pick up the sword unless really necessary, we see that with Time, he was raised as a Kokiri, he dreamt of adventure already from the drawings we see in his room, but he could always just become an adventurer if he wanted to though of course we see that change with the Hero's Shade, I'll come back to that, Wind? Was content living in Outset with Aryll before Ganon decided to fuck around and found out really hard, Legend was also a blacksmiths apprentice and adventurer and he only takes up knight training in the manga because Sir Raven inspired him, like even if he didn't want to be a knight the training would still serve him well (and lo and behold the advice pays off given all the shenanigans mostly caused by divine beings Legend gets saddled with), Hyrule obviously leaves in a very hostile world so he wouldn't even have ANY time to think about knight training, he's self taught because he'd literally die if he wasn't given monsters need his blood to ressurect Ganon so it's honestly a unique case of technically self defense, either he learned to hunt or he'd remain hunted, Twilight is the same case as Wind's, Ganondorf fucked around and found out with the wrong older sibling's people plus the protagonists heavily implied love interest(s) and got shafted into next week, him and Dusk don't have a personal connection besides Midna for him to stick around much and we see him go back to Ordon, so no knighthood there, so why was Warriors different? What motivated him?
I think Linkle being his younger sister would have been the answer.
Long post ahead, continue under your own risk
I know lots of people characterize Warriors as being of a noble line and joined the knights at the urging of his father, but let's not forget most Links are orphans so thinking Wars is an exception is a pipe dream. So that's out, however, in medieval times knights actually get plenty of benefits since they work mostly for lords, ladies and the local crown, being a knight is synonymous with being a noble or at least having a decent life at the cost of serving someone else and the Hyrulean knights don't really have any requisites before joining (though we do see long lines of knights exist, which some Links are descended from without their knowledge, so it's not farfetched to think that a good chunk of the knights of Hyrule qualify as members of noble houses loyal to the Hyrulean crown, would also explain their why they're ineffective a lot of the time too, if most of them grew noble and Hyrulean isn't war seeking {most of the time} then they wouldn't have any real experience), it would be a good way for Warriors to support himself as he climbs up the ranks, and most importantly, someone else, because he'd need to make that money to feed Linkle if she's his younger sister because most Links who take on elder sibling roles are at their best when trying to protect their younger siblings (Wind with Aryll, Twilight with Collin, to an extent Legend and Gulley, all Links are at their best when fighting/protecting someone else), Linkle could grown up without restrictions and he could support them both, making them work harder than other knights because he's already at a disadvantage.
Making it so he's in the perfect place at the right time to get noticed by Artemis before the War of Ages, and give him a reason to go against orders and fight rather than standby like other traineés, being discovered as the Hero in the process.
And as a result since Mask is in the war too, he gets inspired by Warriors (who as an older brother would definitely just snatch him, Wind, Tetra and heck even the Skull Kid under his wing because no way is he letting children younger than even his own little sister fight alone) and eventually becomes a knight too after presumably stopping his search for Navi or using his knight status to search more effectively, which gives us the Time we see in LU who eventually become the Hero's Shade, which trains Twilight. Because he looked up to Warriors while younger.
I just think it's a huge missed opportunity with a lot of room for angst/hurt comfort/drama, and also opportunities for Warriors, Legend and Wild to bond over not really liking the knights because they've all not likely been treated well by his fellow knights while young even though he himself is one, and that Warriors would absolutely be one of the first to throw hands if he heard another soldier talk badly about any of the Links, in this essay I will-
#linked universe headcanons#lu warriors#been replaying Hyrule Warriors while sleep deprived and this suddenly came to me while mid drinking coffee#we really need more Warriors appreciation and big sibling Warriors around here#I Shall Not Tolerate Warriors Slander#Twilight and Time own my entire heart and soul but he's pretty neat#The inherent tragedy of unknowingly helping guide your younger sibling to roam aimlessly as a spirit until his descendant pacifies him#all because all you did was for your younger sibling and you tried so so hard to protect the boy who'd become the man behind the ghost#Feels like that'd be a punch to the gut for Warriors and Twilight both once the Realization™ hits#Linkle and Mask/Time and Wind both being little shit siblings to Warriors and bullying him into resting my beloveds#Artemis/Sheik joining in because meddler is her/their middle name#Legend Warriors Four and Wild both disliking the knights for a variety of reasons but only Warriors is passive aggressive about it#Until someone bad mouths one of his shield brothers that is then he's as feral as any Link#It's all about giving Warriors more depth ya know?#Summer's Sleep Deprived LU Ramblings
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Gaslighting trauma is great because whenever you talk about it you immediately start gaslighting yourself about it. "Oh well I can't remember it that well, so I'm probably making things up." "It was over trivial things, so I was over reacting." "Nobody stopped it, so it wasn't that bad." I could not tell you anything about what happened or what specific things upset me. I can't articulate anything except I just have this feeling that I was hurt and I felt helpless and I tried to reach out and nobody helped me. The only reason I got away from that person was because I picked an entirely different school to attend and left them behind me.. So needless to say I went on to become an incredibly toxic teenager.
#📚 my posts#📌 thoughts#i have to hold myself from spewing all my guts because i feel bad bringing it up constantly#i just dont know what to do whenever these memories come up#top ten reasons the government should get back to me and GIVE ME A THERAPIST.......#cw gaslighting#cw emotional abuse#cw neglect#cw emotional neglect
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tmi probably
my lunatic ass after telling my therapist "i have a thousand voices in my head all the time, and they tell me all the possibilities, so i deserve to know the future and i actually see it most of the times!" when he replies "not really. none of us can see it, you are just hyperactive and manic."
#ignore ignore ignore ignore go away#doc started talking about inpatient wards and emergency rooms like?? no. i'm never telling you anything ever again. how dare you.#i know he cares about my mental health. but like. i don't know. i feel like i'm being gutted out like a fish#i might throw up#like how dare you tell me i'm manic?#like. i know. i know! i can see it. i can tell.#i just. how do i put it into words. i just need to do the stuff i do and i need the voices to keep going. they just have to be less loud.#also because not all of them are bad!! some just don't make fucking sense.#“you know there are things we can do together that can help if you would just trust me and yourself” impossible.#i don't trust anyone. i have like a thousand voices in my head. which one is me? are they all me? trust is- no. not doing that.#and like yes yes i have to trust others and deep down a voice wants me to since i asked for help but?#i am so confused.#“saying no is something that can be learnt” also impossible.#i want a hug.#and a beer.#and#idk#cuddle pile#that's still hug territory?#oh i miss my mom. she gives the best hugs.#i can't ask a friend to hug me can i?#no but it's not even the same. like a friend's hug isn't the same. just doens't hit the same.#but like. i'd take it.#and also i wouldn't ask my mom for a hug either. they just happen.#she hugs me a lot. and i do hug her back too. love it#but like. it's been 15 years since i last asked for a hug? more maybe?#i don't think i ever did. not like. not after i stopped going to my parents every night until age 9 because of nightmares#yes i used to go to my parents every night until i was old as hell. i know kids stop at 6. i stopped at 9.#and like yeah someone should have guessed something was wrong with my relationship with sleep but
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ok ive finished the dlc so now i can properly say my least favourite thing about dragon age awakening is that the women feel like an afterthought & don't fit in the group at all. & i want to care about them & their banter so much. but i really don't because the game is giving me fucking nothing
#dragonageposting#IM SO FUCKING UPSET ABOUT THIS. i was thinking abt it so hard last night.#(crying) please join my polycule why wont you fit in my polycule videogame why didnt you let the women fit in my polycule#it doesnt help that anders & oghren's banter w them is insufferable. especially oghren#sigrun is SUCH a sweetheart & i adore her i really do but her & velanna are just so... lacking compared to everyone else#& it's by design! & i fucking hate that it is!#did i fuck up something? did i miss quests that would've made them better? even then i don't know if it would fix the issue#with oghren you already know him beforehand hes got a whole plotline & everything in origins so its like. it fits within the plot#anders shows up at the centre of the main plotline. at the start too. he integrates himself as part of the group very easily bc of that#nathaniel also has very good reason to be there! you killed his father! he hates your guts but hes not a bad person! he has depth!#he is given the opportunity to fit in a group whose leader he comes in loathing#justice would be part of the 'you're making it hard for me to care abt this character' group if i didnt know abt him showing up in da2 prob#but even then his quest just. felt longer. he was given more to do than both velanna & sigrun#not only that but hes a spirit possessing a corpse which makes his deal very unique#i was elated to meet sigrun bc i love the legion of the dead but they just. didn't give her much.#& the whole thing w velanna wrt seranni is like;.. barely touched on. i was so disappointed the quest was so short#the women are just given nothing compared to the men & i fucking hate it i wanna care about them so bad. i want to care. so bad.#they didnt even allow me to have either of them do their joining like??? what?? it mightve been a glitched thing or w/e but??#i was just forced into the climax of the game without either of them doing their joining. and it fucking sucked#idk the later parts of awakening feel rushed. like they didnt plan to actually wrap it up & had to do it hastily.#the beginning was so interesting & i was genuinely having such a good time but by the end of it i was just tired#we barely got anything on the architect i was also hyped for him but then it was kind of nothing.
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what if I just screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and cried!!!!!!!!
#local girl forced to deal with everything on its own due to incompetency of parents 5 dead 24 injured.#I’m all of the ppl who were harmed. i am. i just wish I could ask someone about things and get a good answer#that didn’t make me feel like. well. you know. but yeah.#and then INVITING THEMSELVES UP FOR MY BIRTHDAY.#like. yeah I don’t have plans and I won’t have friends up there yet but also. maybe ask me first instead of just deciding 😔#but also I might not even be able to do any of that bc ! none of this might happen!#bad things just keep happening and it keeps making me just. want to quit the whole process and stay here and give up#but I already bought the car so now I have to commit and just. yeah. yeah. i wanna scream#i am trying to vent less on the internet but also there is nowhere else to put this!!!!! i don’t have ppl to vent to so now this is my diary#but yeah. I’m just. going crazy. i know I should be doing my own research but also god would it kill you to even try.#like literally no effort has ever been made to help me it’s just an afterthought of like oh have you thought about x when I thought abt x#like weeks ago. and it’s always been this way. or me going yes I’ve thought abt x and them going oh good and then not offering any more help#i would just like to be given proper guidance once in my life. just once.#that didn’t feel like ripping my heart and all my guts out of my body. like just once in my life yk is it too much to ask for#but no I’m the only one with any fucking vision around here and I hate it so much#whatever. it’s fine. I’ll suffer through another day tomorrow. its fucking fine.
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this day has been absolute ass
#i had a really bad gut feeling through this morning#and then come afternoon i learn about the schaffrillas stuff#like that shit gutted me....#i'm also having cramps#my professor cancelled class tonight because of the ice storm. i should be happy but like...i'm just in a sour mood#then to top it all off i hear my dad in the next room ranting about how tyre nichols 'would still be alive if he complied'#my dad is a piece of shit bootlicker cop who's also a transphobic and homophobic pig.#and yet he loves me. and i struggle to love him sometimes.#like yeah he provides for me and cares for me. but good lord he has shitty opinions.#when i heard him saying those things i wanted to burst out of my room. i had such vile words i wanted to say but i kept it in.#instead i let it out with hysterical crying in my room. which i guess is better than verbally attacking my dad.#i'm lucky to have two married parents that love me and my sister. that is exceptionally rare today. i don't have a single IRL friend with#married parents in a stable relationship.#so i'm grateful.#i just get so sad and empty inside when i see folks online talking about their parents who are accepting and progressive.#like yeah. i'm happy for you. i just wish i had that y'know.#i don't plan to have kids. but if i end up changing my mind i'm going to give to them what my parents never gave to me.#vent#rant#personal
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#im so stressed out im so tired ive done nothing and i need to start writing the essays#i have 3 to do plus there are like 6 exams most of which have a lot shit to remember plus im having a psychology short test#and the results of another short test next week and i need to start this economy assignment#and im late almost two weeks with a russian assignment and i want to cry#my meds arent working so im a mess and i stopped taking them bc they give me nightmares but now im having withdrawal and my heart is being#weird and i want to cry i need to kill myself i need to call my doctor#and maybe ask her abt that thing that makes you not have to take all your exams if youre mentally ill#but i feel bad asking for it like its not like im really sick and it feels like im just constantly lying#and she already signed the crap that makes me not have to go to pe thankfully#so i cant go and ask her abt this too like whatever worst case i fail everything and rip my guts out and die#i dont remember when i showered last time and im just so stressed out and i cant do anything productive#i havent been drawing or learning or revising or even doing my reading#speaking of which i have like 300 pages for next week maybe more and i cant take this anymore i need to die#also i think my parents would get mad at me if i said i cant wrote all my exams#bc whatever im not really sick im just lazy and annoying and a bad person and i wish i could get hit by a car so bad i need my head to be#crushed and my brain to get wplattered across the street#also im so gross and sweaty i hate myself sm and i feel so guilty over everything all the time#and them i go to therapy and i cant talk abt anything bc i hate talking abt my feelings its gross and i dont deserve it#i wish there was easy access to guns here suicide would be so easy jesus#and im having insane mood swings again i need to get off social media even tumblr it just makes me feel like shit abt myself#tw suicide mention
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it is literally the law of nature that the prettiest girls always go for the mustiest men
#my childhood bsf has been crushing on this guy recently and he sent me videos from her phone today#and he just gives like the worst rancid frat boy vibes ever like i just have such a bad gut feeling ab him despite not having met him#and it's like. he's not unattractive conventionally or anything but just the things he said and the way he said them turned me off so bad
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Sometimes I just have to take a step back and remind myself that I cannot be trusted with social media because I would stalk people I get bad vibes from constantly. Literally one of my favorite hobbies is instructing my friends on exactly what to say when weird people get into their dms tryna scam them or something. I get far too much of a thrill from it
#I would be that one detective girl that people online talk about#Remind me to never download Instagram#I would not use it for a good cause#Or I would use it for a very good cause depending on who I decide has bad enough vibes#But I don't think that's really a good thing to put on my shoulders#funny#rambles#idk how to tag this#the urge to spy on people I have a gut feeling about is irresponsible sometimes#I can't even join public discord servers anymore I see one person who acts a little off and I'm in detective mode every time they talk#I just need to not give myself the opportunity lol#same thing used to happen with you tubers back when I was really into the gacha community#had a whole side account for when I wanted to investigate but didn't want anybody to recognize me#like.... I do too much.......#anyways this whole post barely makes sense so feel free to ignore me lol
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I will eat or drink anything but apple cider vinegar is like drinking feet
#I just chugged a little because I’m feeling like I caught something and [gross retching noises]#I’m gonna have acid reflux later I just know it#The first time my mom tried to give me some as a kid I threw up (due to the acid reflux)#So I only had the bottom of a repurposed yogurt cup and it was PAIN#If I puke my guts out maybe it’ll expel the cold virus#My mom drank it in tea all the time and of course I would come home from school after gym and take my socks off#And I was like “Do my feet really smell that bad?”#It wasn’t my feet it was the apple cider vinegar#I wish it didn’t taste so awful because it is really good for you
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setting up a linkedin for job searching and connecting with my high school friends and seeing them married and in good paying jobs really hits home just how many years ive lost to mental illness and physical disability
#all of 2016-2020#then i managed to get therapy and meds and diagnosed and i was on track for uni and graduate last year and get a job and then#new government guts and destroys the specific govt sector i was planning on working in (media)#and my health takes a bad turn in may leaving me in constant pain only for both of those to contribute to my contract being cancelled#and now im stuck at home. trying to keep busy by keeping my parents house clean and helping with the move#participating in hobbies and reading and losing the weight ive gained these last 2 years#and i feel so guilty because the healthcare i need isnt cheap. its been thousands of dollars already. before i was contributing my paychec#now im scrabbling to find jobs when the whole city is in a decline. shops and cafes/restaurants are shutting for good#govt agencies from health to education are cutting hundreds of employees each and theyve all undergone job freezes#i dont have the money to go back to studying and refocus on a career path that will work out#the media jobs and policy jobs arent here. everyones being forced to stop working from home as of this week by announcement of the pm#if i want to be hired in my field i have to move to another country. and i dont have the money for that. im stuck in bed#every day for a third/half of that day waiting for my codeine to kick in#perpetually exhausted because whatever's happening to me is giving me constant fatigue#im just so tired.
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