#it felt like my hand was forced
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You used to post so much more fic what happened 😕
i dont normally respond to stuff like this cause i find it pointless and that its trying to get a reaction but ive gotten so many asks that are about this so hi anon (im assuming its you thats asked all those times)
I uploaded 45 works in 2024. 43 of them for COD in the last 3 months of the year. What happened is its been less then a month lol. that's it. nothing else. Im hoping that you're asking this because you want more stuff and that its not in a malicious way but anyone who shares any of their work isnt obligated to continue sharing it, just saying. You're lucky to get any content, so cherish it and enjoy it and let those who created it know you enjoyed it too!
Theres no need to expect those of us that post more often to keep up with that output either!! And theres also no need to expect those that take their time to upload and share their work to do it more often, be happy you get to see all of these creative people share their things and don't expect them to just pump out stuff like we're machines, we're not thank you very much.
As for "what happened", life man idk lmao. Im trying to work on bettering my writing especially for these characters and i dont want to just put out anything, id rather have works that im super proud of and have worked really hard on out there. Not that what i have put out already isnt something im happy with, but i just want to put more effort into my writing this year in general and to hopefully put out longer works and some art too!! Please remember that the artists, the authors, the animators and all the other creatives that you enjoy consuming their content are human, alright?
#asks#q speaks#or really q rants but#yeah i hate answering these types of asks or any kind of hate/passive aggressive shit but#i had to delete like 20 of these over the past week so im answering you got me non#Just enjoy what you get and don't fucking harass people just because you want more#tried to be nice in the answer but that isnt a nice thing to ask i hope you know that (:#its unfair to all the effort ive personally put in to post so much and to all the other people who get shit like this#every time a creative puts something of theirs out there they put a piece of themselves out there too#be aware of that please#anyway my bad for those who dont exactly want this kind of stuff on their dash i just#it felt like my hand was forced
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merry xmas! im drinking rum with aleks and listening to some really old techno. i blurted everything about ouro and all the tough things surrounding, and its future, and i got so excited i yelled and yodeled into the dead and dark forest. it's been such. such a good christmas. 2025 got nothing on me. we live we die and we fucking live again. hold my hand. giggle with me. have some zacapa. i love you
#!!!!!!!#when the end of year actually feels like the exhale of a breath you've held for years? i mean. this feels almost too good to be true#not to say im not struggling. but its hard to acknowledge that when everything feels like this. like hope. like homecoming.#a force majeure of optimism but still. grounded? real? yeah. real. more real than anything has felt in years and years#i wish you a lovely holiday whether you celebrate or not#and i wish. i wish upon a thousand stars and the black matter in between that i can be present for the creativity that is a physical thing#an anchor in my body. an anvil. something i just yearn to make real and place in someone elses hands#i have no idea if im doing it the right way! if it reads as i recieve it from the frail ends of my synapses. but god damn it if i wont try#ouro got me this far (even if you had to wait for the story- the story gave me what i needed to just. change what needed to be changed befo#e I tell it to you. i truly don't know how to explain it. im just shaking your shoulders and rattling trees and telling the cosmos thank yo#!!!!! augh difficult to explain can't do it#im smiling angelically at you while man o to is playing on the speakers. and there are stars in the sky and good company beside me.#hope tonight treats you kindly#happy holidays<3
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( ' ▽') "It's soft!!" (˚ ▽ ˚ )
Sorry Geo, they couldn't help themselves. But you have to wonder, are anime spikes always gonna be razor sharp or is it like natural hair?
#next step: pet omega-xis and see what his are like#and y'know geo had them ever since he was a bapbi so I assumed the latter#I wanted to draw him making cute faces also because I felt like practicing his eyes today#so. there ya go.#I'm sorry I feel like I'm bullying him again (it's not my intention;;)#doodle-daas#megaman star force#ryuusei no rockman#geo stelar#subaru hoshikawa#hey whose hand is that?#I don't need to tag him but I think you can figure it out
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Grinds my teeth to dust…. i wish touch didnt have so many Implications. im just trying to survive out here
#after all this i need a cuddle and a movie But who do i ask withoit them thinking im coming on to them#i need to paint a giant doomsday-guy-on-the-street-corner style sign to wear around my neck that says I AM AROMANTIC ASEXUAL#born to hug and kiss all my friends forced to stand around hands in my pockets#im scared to death of people misinterpreting my behavior or feeling uncomfortable#od be so much more relaxed like at a core of my being level if this was a nonissue#dude im desperate i might just ask the guy i almost fell asleep on tje otjet night#the ice is broken and he already knows my deal#(fantasizing about snuggling with people i like) im so fucked up ….#it’s also made way worse by tje fact that I apparently come off as very flirtatious#im playful and i love people Sorry …..#im like All or Nothing . oh my god lol#i had a friend who called me her ‘koala’ because i was constantly clinging to her#we were 7 so it was socially acceptable#99% of the time we were together i was wrapped around her legs or torso. i miss you so much sybil#the start of the end was when i innocently restrd my chin on my friend’s shoulder to watch what he was doing#and the next day someone asked me why i did that#i was like huh…? he’s my friend?#why wouldn’t i?#then i felt all weird about it And ive felt weird about it sincd#unrelated but my best friend is autistic she has misophonia and hates touch But im the misopjonia exception(real thing) AND#i’m one of the only people she hugs. straight up my biggest flex ever
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Hey genuinely, could you put that boothill pipecleaner deepthroating ficlet on ao3? It's perfectly fine if not but I would love to be able to put that in my recommended bookmarks to show other people
Just for you, Mercy uwu
(For anyone curious, the original tumblr post with this can be found here! )
#honkai star rail#hsr#bootheng#henghill#boothill#dan heng#hsr dan heng#hsr boothill#suggestive#my fics#recalibrated with the sudden force of a sledgehammer#the title is based on something I've always wanted to do at work#Vitros 5600 my beloathed#I'll get you someday#felt fitting for Boothill's sudden and violent gay awakening though JFKAJKFDJA#Boothill laying awake on the parlor car couch at 3 am like 'maggot? I'm a maggot? ...OH COME ON ITS NOT A SLUR IF I'M THE ONE SAYIN' IT-'#whatever underpaid intern at the IPC does the upkeep of Boothill's synesthesia beacon is about to have their hands full JFKLAJKLFDA
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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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Who knew the first humanoid I would ever draw decently would actually be the character I've been obsessed with for the last 3 months
ANYWAY I FINALLY MANAGED TO DRAW A PERSON IM SO HAPPY!!
#ive spent the last 2+ years just saying to myself “i need to learn to draw people” and NEVER doing it because i didnt have the motivation to#then hazbin hotel pretty much turned into my sprcial interest and ive since felt more inspired to develop my art skills than ever before#like i may love this show to an actually unhealthy level but it has done so much for my neverending art block#before hazbin i had to physically force myself to draw something cuz i just couldnt think of anything#and because of that it was usually something i was comfortable with draeing#so instead of branching out to drawing different crestures i sorta just got stuck in a limbo of drawing 1 or 2 crestures#AND LOOK AT ME NOW!#i can draw deer (ofcourse) ive been figuring out how to draw cats#horses goats dragons birds snakes#ive improved so much#hazbin hotel#alastor#hazbin alastor#hazbin hotel alastor#hazbin#alastor hazbin hotel#radio demon#hazbin hotel fanart#alastor fanart#next on the agenda#hands#bleh
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finished rewatching Arcane again. cried my eyes out AGAIN
#spoilers ahead!! (tho rly go watch it final seasons coming out next week!$#but i LOVE how well writtev every. character is the intertwining motives the interactions everything!#the ONLY thing i hate is that final scene#like that dinner party one idk it felt forced bro#i love Silco dying by Jinx's hand it's poetic BUT i wish it was done differently#obv i still cried at the 'don't cry you're perfect' but and Silco is honestly my fave character SO well written#and i get the parallel of him being tied up bc he feels his hands are tied when it comes to Jinx and how he would t put up a fight anyway#but her PURPOSELY choosing to kill him would've felt more impactful imo#him sacrifising himself for her would be nice too but maybe too much idk#just. hmmm idk ill revisit why i didnt like that scene later on#it was so so good until that bit but its still a 10/10 show for me anyway#i love characters with fucked up family dynamics 🥹#arcane#burrito talks#delete later
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#serious clash between my specific flavour of brain issues and my wife's specific flavour of brain issues today#where she had complete over stimulation issue and just wanted to be held perfectly still and silent#which i did#but all the while by brain has gone completely the other way and is totally understimulated and starting to freak out#because it's too quiet and I'm sitting too still and I've only done boring necessary things today#and things i hate doing#but now I'm pinned in place#and i want to be there for her and make sure she's okay and not make things worse#but I'm about this far from having a meltdown because i need. to do. something. anything. i need sound. i need to make something#or write something or ANYTHING#so i sit there tapping the fingers on my free hand repeatedly back and forward back and forward#but as quietly as i can because i don't want to make things worse#we're both okay now#but yeah#probably delete this later#i just needed to get this out of my head#because i don't really know how to deal with it if it happens again#i don't want to not be able to be there in the way she needs#but i also don't want to end up making things worse for both of us#idk#I've not felt it that bad before#but it's definitely been worse lately#my concentration levels are LOW#executive function is LOW#need to be doing at all times is HIGH#need for multiple stimuli is HIGH#but like i fluctuate#sometimes i get like i did today and sitting still is THE WORST THING ANYONE HAS EVER FORCED ME TO DO ACTUALLY#other times I'm begging my brain to let me do the thing but instead end up sitting there doing god know what for hours#it makes no damn sense
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I've been learning ASL (From Deaf/HoH people of course), and every time that I learn a new language I eventually reach a point where I start dreaming in it
but I don't think that dreams normally account for giving you full control over every single one of your fingers, or at least mine don't. So I had to focus on moving literally every single one of them. I'm 90% sure I was actually moving my real hands.
I guess what I'm getting at is do people who know sign language ever sleep-sign? I'd never thought of that before. I wonder if it's easier to understand than sleep-talking, or if the motor control is still only partial so it just looks like partial hand movements rather than full signing.
#not art#status update#it felt the same as when I manually forced myself to call out for help as a kid when I had nightmares#so I'm like#VERY sure that I was actually moving my real hands
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so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh
#hsr#honkai star rail#hsr 2.2#hsr spoilers#hsr leaks#the body of this post reads as far less enthusiastic than i really am#i just don’t know how to casually return from my latest 2 week hiatus only to gush abt a game i’ve hardly blogged abt before#but i’m not making a whole ass sideblog for it like i did for Genshin. nah y’all r gonna bear witness to my fixation with this one#so anyways don’t mind me. vibrating into another dimension with anticipation for the next 11 days#it’s insane man. a year ago i Never ever woulda thought i’d be so invested in this game. and it took Months for the game to really grab me#but i’m v glad i kept coming back even when i was struggling to really get into it. like i just had this feeling that if i stuck around and#gave the game a chance to really like. come into its stride. i just always felt like there was Something there and i just hadn’t found it#and holy shit i finally found it in Penacony. the devs really truly outdid themselves with this region and these characters and this story#not to discount everything that’s happened prior. like i was genuinely Liking it all before now but i wasn’t Loving it y’know#but that may be more a ‘me having to fight tooth n’ nail to force myself to consume new media’ thing than it is a matter of the actual game#anyways i came here to talk abt the program! bc since i’m not filming my HSR stuff i’m gonna be insufferable abt it on Tumblr instead ! :)#and i’m probably not filming any more Genshin stuff. or anything else at all for that matter but let’s not talk abt that dead dream#pun not intended lmao. Anyways let’s return to the subject at hand while there’s still room left in these tags shall we#i’m so fucking glad they had Aventurine on this program man. especially since he’s leaked to only have 18 lines in 2.2… it was nice to see-#-him here at least 🥹 i’ll take what i can get. his unenthusiastic little bird noises at the beginning.. him being reluctant to come out..#the way one of the first things to come out of his mouth was ‘y’know DR RATIO once told me…’ like boy we get it ur in love with him 🙄 (/J!)#i love how they can’t go on these programs w/o talking abt each other it’s adorable. AND THE WAY HE WAS THE ONE TO EXPLAIN BOOTHILL’S KIT!?#they can’t just fuel my crackship like this… god and his whole ‘muddle-fudger.. son-of-a-nice-lady?’ thing had me wheezing#Aven mocking Boothill’s inability to curse was not on my special program bingo card but fuck i’m here for it#and Robin being all curious abt him was so cute.. ‘who /is/ he? … does he order milk at the bar?’ i’m crying she’s so sweet#also the trailer was fucking insane. which feels redundant as hell bc all of HoYo’s version trailers go hard but like. still. wow.#that millisecond long shot of Boothill surveying the skyline is so fucking good. also what the fuck is Jing Yuan doing here!!#not complaining at all tho. we’ve got JY & DH(IL?). Argenti(?). Boothill. Sunday. Aven. all my men r here and i am eating so fucking good#Seven.txt#viddy game stuff
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its a lose on losing dogs kind of night tonight, huh?
#i cannot explain the feelings running through me rn#again its this struggle of being an adult but being placed in the role of the child#and then being forced to be both at once without ripping out your mothers heart and your own at the same time#and being scared and nauseous becuase now things that felt fine feel scary and unsure#because am i making a mistake? am i making you mad? i don't want you to be mad at me#because im the child#right?#thats how you treat me so that is who i must be#but then you snap and tell me to grow up and i don't know again#i dont know what to do#and im afraid im going to be stuck like this forever#forever trapped the child of two homes and two lives and two different loves to appease#stuck trying to make peace forever and never being able to just speak up because when i do i let you down#even if its over the silliest of things#how am i supposed to navigate this field by myself if you've only ever held my hand through it before?#how am i supposed to walk with my head up high if you keep telling me to look down?#mj.chatter
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I keep grabbing onto scalding kitchenware, completely forgetting that I don’t have heat-resistance anymore. It happens frequently and I act shocked every damn time.
#shō%posted#same thing goes with freezing temperatures.#i once stuffed my hand in a bag of ice to separate each of them into individual pieces#and when i pulled my hands away It felt like I was being punished with the force of a thousand suns.
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one of the most important aspects to be learnt of being a political thinker online, a passive or active viewer of sociopolitical discourses and marginalization, is that just because you find someone to be “wrong” on a subject, have a bad take on a words definition or have shitty political/strategic takes, or just be fucking annoying to you personally, doesn’t make them stop being from the same marginalized group or group-of-groups as yourself. tragically sometimes a comrade-in-arms also just fucking sucks without it being a cishetero bourgeois psyop or a more-particularly-advantaged-yet-still-marginalized-group punching down. like there can be “self-hating” people from demographics actively trying to oppress said demographics but 9 times out of 10 Kaleb from My Discourses isn’t a Dennis Prager rubbing elbows with literal nazis he’s just that dipshit who thinks Judaism as a social category necessitates matrilineal affiliation (even though the people that actively hate Judaism as a social category don’t conceive of it as such). For example I mean.
this should really go without saying but good fucking god my own time in the ‘strangers with a word or two in common trying to kill each other online’ trenches neeeeded
#yes this is about queer community discourse#(most) about anyway i mean. i literally talked about a judaism thing in the post lol#realizing this has felt like a gigantic fucking burden got lifted off my shoulders. like oh yeah sometimes you can just dislike a line#of rhetoric without it being a fucking calamity that invalidates other peoples places in the broader ‘community’.#the fact i can care IS important to some extent but what still matters more is that The -Archs rarely if ever actually care that much#regaurdless of what a sapphic calls themselves they’d still be lit on fire by the deathsquads for degeneracy as much as the rest of us#just because some dipshit thats personally loathsome on an individual scale takes any criticism of the use of ‘queer’ as a personal attack#doesn’t remove the fact that theyre still just as fucking fallible as the rest of us#like this doesn’t remove how i feel about these subjects. some labels are fucking redundant and shitty and yes-actually-invalidating of#other peoples definitions (most importantly MINE hahaa!) but jesus h fucking christ i haven’t seen a ‘bad actor’ on these subjects in years.#it was only ever the discorse itself really that alerted and enabled people to get noteworthily bad about. like#anything. even setting aside vaguing bi lesbian as a label (sorry) EVERY FUCKING DISCOURSE THAT ISN’T ‘hey this person doxxed someone’ or#or ‘hey these are closed fucking religious practices/stereotypes/slurs’ has been like that!!!#ace discourse was a fucking hellscape and i genuinely just don’t think the problems would have happened there on either side if people#actually fucking treated each other like. human beings????#some of THAT came down to trying to compare opressive forces against even the other acronymal identities is a politically disturbing underta#aking in its own right. we can barely talk fucking humanely about the intersections of transphobia abd homophobia throw amatonormativity on#the mix and expecting 2015 tumblr to be civil is like hand ak-47s to middle schoolers. urk.#so basically i’m the smartest and bestest because i can acknowledge and respect my own biases while still recognizing them AS biases and#try to always keep the broader political climate in mind when considering topics that are ‘hot button’ to myself uwu#i’m basically just like noah from the bible i���m so virtuous i’m going to start a big zoo in a boat now
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guys I just survived a ladder that wanted to kill me. cheers
#context- I work odd jobs in film production a lot. I recently picked up a new part timer filming high school football games#this particular one was an hour and a half away so needless to say I was already mentally preparing for a LOT#and I got there and the spot where they wanted me was on the ROOF of the press box. which I knew beforehand#what I did NOT know beforehand was that the only way up or down was a ladder that pops down from said roof#which would’ve been okay but I was carrying three equipment bags like a pack mule#so I climb the ladder and even that was fine until the top step#I faceplant straight onto the roof because there is a barrier that’s like a foot long between the ladder step and the roof floor#so. rough start. but the view is great and once I’m up there it’s kinda fun#until. UNTIL. I wanted to go pee because again. hour and a half drive to get there.#said barrier made it so you have to climb down to get to the ladder step and railing and I pissed around playing chicken with that thing for#for an HOUR playing chicken because I could not fucking handle it#so I get through the first half okay but decide that I’m booking it to the bathroom the second halftime starts#and I forced my fat arse over the ledge and I figured out a grip on the trapdoor thing that helped keep me from falling#and I felt like I’d just made a person break cause like. I genuinely was not sure how the fuck I’d make it down for a bit#after that? might’ve been the high of Doing The Scary Thing but the rest of the time I had fun#I got a nice coach in the press box to help grab my bags as I handed them to him so I could climb down to leave#drove an hour in pitch darkness on country roads to my boss’s house to drop off the footage then 20 minutes home and now#and now I think I could sleep forever and ever but I fuckin did the thing
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