#ive spent the last 2+ years just saying to myself “i need to learn to draw people” and NEVER doing it because i didnt have the motivation to

[rubitheracoon]

Who knew the first humanoid I would ever draw decently would actually be the character I've been obsessed with for the last 3 months

ANYWAY I FINALLY MANAGED TO DRAW A PERSON IM SO HAPPY!!

[weareweirdpeople]

I keep getting allianated because I don't fit in, even in the neurodivergent sense.

I just realized that one the reasons I've kept getting made fun of in groups for my whole life pretty much is that I am more "visibly autistic" then people feel comfortable with. That and my wild trauma and lack of ability for socialize with kids my age.

Ive been told by my autistic friend that I have the "autism accent", I "speak like a 5 year old". My autistic friend saw me stiming because I ate spicy food and really liked it and asked if I had never had spices before and made it about me being white. (I am not even fully white tho like kdmdndweree but anyways) and she made me feel weird about it.

Im not good at reading tone. Im not good at telling sarcasm. I'm not good at socializing as a whole. Even while in a group where everyone was neurodivergent of some sort (2 people with adhd and a different autistic friend who will be referred to as S) They still made me feel weird.

They chose to wait till some of the last days of school to tell me how annoying they thought I was, that they shouldn't have heard S out on me entering the group. Theat they made fun of how I speak. That im just plain weird. One of them kept implying that they never stopped making fun of me and no on disagreed. They would tell me not to call myself autistic because I hadn't be diagnosed even though that's barley an option for me and they know it, but they had no issue with criticizing how I interact socially. Telling me I need to introduce them to my new friends so they can tell me if they are good people or not.

My other friend compares me to a 5 year old or an animal a lot. I constantly feel like a bad person for showing any not situational "appropriate traits" but I don't know how to not show them. I have spent my whole life being unable to socialize properly. Until 5ht grade did I have a friend who didn't constantly tell me how weird I was. Who treated me like a person and not an entertainment accessory.

My ex just straight up sexualized my "cute and innocent" traits and told me to get rid of my "bad traits". He never wanted me to be near him in school. He never wanted me near his friends. He wanted me to be a secret for him. He didn't like being near me unless we were alone or it was a sexual conversation. He constantly treated me like this naive stupid little thing. Everyone treats me like a naive stupid little thing.

I get pissed off at offensive shti and social injustice. My friends call me sheltered and soft and sensitive. I'm not sheltered. I didn't get the opportunity of being sheltered. I just don't find racist jokes funny at all. I just don't find using slurs you can't reclaim funny at all. I just don't find shit that everyone can't laugh at funny. Its only funny to me if everyone can laugh at it and enjoy it. I aparently don't understand how jokes work. Maybe thats because the only "jokes" I know in my very neurodivergent family involve word play or spontaneous bullshit.

The jokes I learned at school involve me being the joke. The joke is how weird I am. People like them so sometimes I lean into them a little. I don't comment on if it actually does make me feel bad. But then they don't like it. Then they say I'm weird and uncomfortable to be near.

They tell me I need to be super understanding and Empathetic if someone shares something serious with me. I need to emphasize their feelings and make them feel better. But then the 2 times I actually needed support both times I was told "ehh, I've heard worse." "Its not that bad." "Yeah but you probably weren't bullied as bad as we were".

I can kinda understand the last comment given the context. 2 of the friends, including S were talking about bullying we've felt with. S is physically disabled and autistic and the other friend is also physically disabled and fat. I am also physically disabled but its invisible. I am also autistic. I can understand them assuming that I didn't deal with much.

It just doesn't feel good when thats every time I have a problem. Its always "well it probably wasn't to bad, your sheltered".

They made jokes about their trauma to and infront of me despite me not knowing them too well, so I did the same. But im bad when I do it. I'm too blunt. I'm weird. My trauma is weird. Its weird to even mention that stuff.

Im weird or something that needs to be contained if I stim. Im weir dand bad if I don't understand social cues and context. Im weird and stupid for having reading issues. Im dumb for not understanding "normal things" sometimes. I mean as they straight up called me stupid and dumb to my face.

I struggle with changes in my plan. I keep crying more often over things that shouldn't be cried over. Sometimes I stim when im really upset at home and my dad used to get upset at me for not controlling myself. Maybe I used to have autistic meltdowns at school, I don't even know. I already had so much trauma and everyone at that school scapegoated me anyways. I used to crawl under tables and scream or yell when I got upset and overwhelmed but maybe that was trauma. I don't know.

My family thought my male cousin was autistic. Not me though. It couldn't be me with weird speaking patterns who had to be put in speech therapy as a toddler because my mom was the only one who could understand even 50% of what I said. Not me who has constantly held better conversation with random adults than kids my own age.

Not me whos been a very very picky eater my whole life. Not me whos always been sensitive to loud sounds and a few textures. Not me who can't sit still or focus for the life of my but can tell you everything I know about teenage mutant ninja turtles non-stop sense I was 4. Not me, because im just a weird traumatized girl who's just sooo smart and needs to be challenged more. Only recently has the fact that I either need glasses or might by dyslexic had come up.

This isn't even on tract with the original point but qhat im trying to say is that there have been so many ignored signs of me being autistic because of me being a "girl" and even with other autistic people I get alienated for having said traits.

One of my friends told me that one of the reasons people dont like me if because I act "quirky". Well fucking excuse me. These same people are like "we understand people who joke around to cope with their issues" until its me. My bad. I didn't know everything applied to people other than me. My mistake.

I'll just let you keep calling and treating me like a fucking dog while shutting up about the fact that you randomly punch me as a greeting from behind with no apology or care for if it hurts or not. Ill just shut up until you tell me at the end of the year that im STILL ANNOYING APARENTLY, EVEN THOUGH IVE TRIED MY BEST TO FOLLOW YOUR RULES ON HOW I SHOULD BEHAVE. MY BAD FOR SAYING IM AUTSIC WITHOUT A DIAGNOSIS. ITS NOT LIKE MULTIPLE OF MY TEACHERS, THE SCHOOL PSYCOLOGIST, MY PARENTS, AND MY THERAPIST ALL SAY THERES AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE OF AUTSIM. MY BAD FOR EVER HAVING EMOTIONS ABOUT SOCIAL JUSTICE OR POLITICS THAT AFFECT ME AND MY LOVED ONES.

But its fine for you to fake claim people. Its fine for you, a trans person to make rules about who is trans or not. Its fine for you to make me really uncomfortable with that type of shit and for me not to say anything for your comfort. "You need to learn to just go with something you don't like and not say your opinion" I do that. I do that every single fucking day.

Its just that even with all the energy I have to put into trying to be normal, to focus on my work, to shut up so my friends can at least get their work done, to even with a modified schedule struggle to have my shit together, I STILL CANT FULLY PASS AS ALLISTIC. I DONT EVEN PASS FOR NEUROTYPICAL. EXCUSE ME FOR NOT WANTING TO DO THE PLEDGE OF FUCKING ALLIGENCE, AND THEN CALLING OUT THE TEACHER ON THE FACT THAT SHE CANT FORCE ME TO DO THGMAT WHEN SHE TRIED TO MAKE MW RE DO IT.

I guess I can't ever have opinions near people. Or be myself around people. Or be myself fully at home. Or talk about the things I like freely. Or exist without constantly having to put in effort to try to fit in even a little. Screw me for being born I guess. I'll try harder next time to make you more comfortable I fucking guess???

I don't know how to fit in and even around other autistic people I'm a freak.

It really hurts.

[kochlandhomestead]

10/01/22

Wow did September really just fly by like that? Feels like just 2 weeks ago I was doing this for August but heres my self accountability post for the end of the 9th month of 2022

Lets start with the ol resale business. Historical Days was a big success. I got rid of a lot of my old stock from the shed and made a nice profit on the weekend. Really wish I could get to more festivals and markets. That was a goal for this year that I am failing at. eBay had gone cold since the first week of September but I had 3 sales this week. With 4th quarter starting now hopefully it will be getting even better. I learned a lot last week at eBay open, lets see if I can transform that into sales. I also am looking into a booth at a local flea market that is open on Fridays. Possibly going to open there in November. Its a risk and a big step but it just may be time.

Classes started Monday in my Ag science and organic growing classes. Its been a challenge this week but I feel im back in the flow. I even got my first week assignment done early, y'all know thats a big one for me.

Things around the Homestead are winding down into what I refer to as hibernation time. The garden is ready to be put to bed, hopefully I get to that nexg week. Pears and apples need picked. Gotta dig potatoes yet and see how that harvest is. Lots of little things but its about over.

I didn't have a single Wrestling show this month. We did do our company picnic last Saturday but besides that nothing. The quiet is killing me. October has a couple but November is really bare. Gotta do something about this.

My TV back log has gotten worse. Im weeks behind on Wrestling. Its really ridiculous lol. I haven't watched any of She-Hulk or House Of Dragons. Seems everyday I add on another episode or 5 of the network shows that I try to catch as much of as possible like FBI or Law & Order. I haven't even seen the new Thor yet. I am caught up on Andor of course and am still working through my rewatch of Fear the walking dead. For someone that completely cut the cord this list is nuts!

Speaking of cutting the cord lets discuss my "off grid" life as it is. So many projects and ideas I had for the summer went unstarted. I really had hoped to have a little wood stove set up but not even close. I did get a bucket washing machine built for hand washing and of course my water collection system grew nicely. But still im way behind even though im far better than I was last year at this time.

My health has been good and ive really been doing well at eating. Im near my calorie goal almost everyday. Cooler weather really helps as does less time spent working outside. Now to finally start regular workouts again.

With just a month to go its time to start really planning and working on the upcoming holiday season here and at the Santa House. All while trying to enjoy spooky season too. Its a juggling act sometimes.

The personal life thing is pretty much as wacky as always. Mom and Dad have both been doing good. Dad has a bum shoulder but he says it is feeling a little better. Tyler has been coming around a little bit more now that he has Whiskey to take out. She sure is a cutie and becoming a good pal of mine. I been thinking again about a new cat or dog. Maybe near Christmas? My special person and myself have had a difficult time of getting together. Always seems to be something come up. Its hard with busy lives and a bit of a distance between us. We have plans for next Saturday so hopefully.... It was great to hang out with the Wrestling family last week, tomorrow I get more of that plus the Town Meeting crew. Having a small social life is sad at times but it makes me enjoy it more when it happens. A goal for 2023 is more interaction with friends and family and less alone time!

I think thats enough for tonights book. If you made it through thanks for reading. These things are always kinda hard for me to do but I really feel that they along with you who do read help me keep myself in check.

[homerjacksons]

Sonny Carisi Week Day 3: trust Word Count: 2388 Pairing: Barisi Summary: Snippets of Sonny and Rafael’s relationship over the years in moments of trust AO3

i. the beginning

Sonny’s brain was hazy with scotch and the smell of Rafael’s cologne. He knew it wasn’t the drink, though. He’d only had one finger, poured by Rafael from a bottle he kept in his bottom drawer for nights like this, nights spent hunched over paperwork as the clock ticked over to a new day.

He took a deep breath, breathing Rafael in, and watched as his lips quirked up into a smirk.

“Are you listening to anything I’m saying?” Rafael asked, only a slight hint of annoyance in his tone.

“Course,” Sonny said with a huff of laughter, shaking his head and lowering his gaze.

When he looked up again, Rafael’s eyes were still on him, shining in the dim lamplight, his face closer than Sonny remembered.

“I’m trying to...to tell you what this means to me,” he said, covering Sonny’s hand where it sat on his knee. “I’m telling you you’re not the only one. It’s not one-sided.”

Sonny blinked at him, because it turned out he must have stopped listening, lost in the greens of his eyes and the woody musk of his cologne, tired from a long night of paperwork and an even longer day of police work.

“You—me? Really?”

“You, yes,” Rafael said with a grin, cocky even though Sonny knew his heart must be racing.

“But—I—why?”

Rafael’s grin slipped and he tilted his head, giving Sonny’s hand a squeeze. “Because you’re you.”

“I’m—“

“Just trust me?”

Sonny studied him for a moment, not sure exactly what he was looking for. This wasn’t high school where the girls pretended to like him on a dare, or college where the boys kissed him as a joke. This was work, this was Rafael, telling him he felt the same.

He nodded, meeting Rafael halfway for a kiss, his entire being shaking as his heart burst with warmth and nerves and excitement and affection.

Because of course he trusted Rafael, even if it seemed too good to be true, even if Rafael loved teasing him above all else.

This was real. This was happening.

ii. fear

Sonny longed to reach out to Rafael, to hold him, to never let him go. He could see the fear that Rafael tried so hard to hide and he felt so grateful that he was trusted enough to see it, even if it broke his heart.

They got a cab back to his apartment after all necessary questions had been answered, and though they didn’t utter a word, Sonny held his hand the entire time, and Rafael held back with a fierceness Sonny had never felt.

As soon as his apartment door closed, Rafael let out a shaky breath as though he’d been holding it the whole time, and Sonny caught him under the arms as his knees buckled, entire body suddenly shaking.

“Hey,” Sonny whispered, pulling him in close. “You’re safe. It’s over.”

Rafael nodded, gripping Sonny as though his life depended on it.

He let Sonny lead him to the bathroom, and Sonny took his time removing Rafael's blood-splattered clothes while he sat, staring at a spot on the wall, unseeing.

He didn’t have the words, not really. He wanted to rant about how stupid Rafael had been to duck his security detail, about the ongoing death threats that had been a sore spot between them for months. He wanted to express the guilt he felt at not being there to protect his own boyfriend, at not being a better cop, at not finding who was behind the threats before it was too late.

Mostly, he wanted to cry, all that fear and hurt and anger and helplessness having been locked up inside him just below the surface, threatening to burst from the moment he heard 1 Hogan Place had been evacuated and Rafael was being held in his office by a man with a gun.

But he knew none of that would help. He knew, even before they’d got home, even before the events of the day, just how much all of this had been getting to Rafael. He knew because Rafael trusted him enough to let him see between the cracks in his facade.

So instead, he talked about something Jesse had done the previous day, about Bella’s new job, about his Ma’s insistence that they come to dinner that weekend. Anything to fill the awful, deafening silence as he cleaned another man’s blood off of Rafael’s skin.

iii. content

Sonny shot Rafael a grin over the kitchen island before turning back to the pan in front of him to flip the pancakes.

“What?” Rafael asked through a laugh, folding the newspaper beside him as he reached for his mug.

“Nothing, just…” Sonny trailed off with a shrug, unable to wipe the grin from his face. “Nothing.”

The truth was, he couldn't quite believe his luck. He'd imagine it a thousand times, what it might be like to wake up beside Rafael, to spend a morning filled with lazy kisses and a breakfast made from the heart. He'd imagined all the different ways it could happen, but the real thing was better than anything his mind could have come up with. Seeing Rafael, still soft with sleep, in a threadbare shirt with ruffled hair was everything.

Rafael studied him for a moment, eyes narrowed, before taking a sip of his coffee. “You look far too pleased considering how early it is.”

“It’s almost ten!” Sonny shouted through a laugh, flipping the last pancakes out onto a plate. “That’s late .”

“Not for a Sunday,” Rafael muttered under his breath.

It was such a small thing, but something new to file away about Rafael. Not a morning person, definitely not on weekends. Something else he could commit to memory. Something else he got to see all because Rafael trusted Sonny enough to let him into his home, to let him spend the night, to let him make him breakfast and look after him the way he deserved.

He slid a plate of pancakes across the island to Rafael before making his way around the counter with his own, still grinning, giddy with awe and affection.

“You’re ridiculous,” Rafael said through a sigh, but he smiled at Sonny as he said it, pulling the plate closer to him before drowning it in syrup.

“I know,” Sonny said around a mouthful of pancake and bacon.

Rafael shook his head with a roll of his eyes, but Sonny wasn’t bothered. He’d learned a while ago not to read Rafael’s teasing and exasperation as a form of affection.

iv. fear part 2

Sonny paused in his doorway, hand already on his gun before a quiet, “It’s only me,” issues from his living room.

He let out a shaky breath and closed the door behind him, letting his head fall back against it, closing his eyes, willing his heart to calm down.

Of course it was only Rafael. Who else would it be?

“Hey,” Rafael said softly, closer now, and Sonny startled at the noise, eyes flashing open.

Rafael took his hands gently, concern etched into his face in a way Sonny was sure he’d only seen directed at victims before. It made his stomach churn.

“Liv called me,” he explained, cupping Sonny’s cheek gently. “Told me you...might need me here tonight.”

“I’m fine,” Sonny muttered, closing his eyes again.

“It’s okay if you’re not.”

He took a deep breath before turning his head to press a kiss to Rafael’s palm.

“You didn’t have to come.” He took Rafael’s hand away from his face, giving it a small squeeze. “I’m okay.”

“Maybe I needed to see for myself.”

The slight waver in Rafael’s voice took him by surprise, and he nodded, pulling Rafael towards him.

“I’m okay,” he whispered before pressing a kiss to the top of Rafael’s head.

He didn’t say just how close it had been, how he’d nearly not okay, how he wouldn’t be standing here right now if his Lieutenant hadn’t come at just the right moment and saved his ass from his own stupidity.

He didn’t say how he’d stared down the barrel of a gun, sure he was about to die, or the way he’d been certain at first that it was Cole’s gun that had fired, that it had been his blood spilled.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he admitted after a moment, allowing the exhaustion he felt to seep into his words. “Not sure how, uh...how well I’d sleep tonight without ya.”

Rafael pulled back, smiling so softly it made Sonny’s heart clench in his chest.

“I wouldn’t have slept at all,” he said, taking Sonny’s hand again to lead him into the apartment properly. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.”

He nodded, allowing himself to be led to the bathroom, allowing himself to be looked after in a way he never really had before.

v. the end

“You’re leaving?” Sonny shouted, breathless from running up five flights of stairs.

Rafael winced and turned away from him, continuing to pack his suitcase. “Evidently.”

“Fuck,” Sonny said through a breath, gripping Rafael firmly on the arm, forcing him to turn. “Just like that? Without even talking to me first?”

Rafael looked down at the tie in his hands, fiddling with the tag, still refusing to look at Sonny.

“I thought I meant more to you than that.”

He hated how broken he sounded, hated the way his voice cracked as his throat tightened, eyes burning with tears he wouldn’t let fall. But it was enough to make Rafael look up at him, his own eyes wet and shining.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, sounding just as broken as Sonny felt. “I knew if I spoke to you, my resolve would crumble and I...I have to leave, Sonny. I have to.”

“Why?” He was aware he was shouting but he couldn’t quite stop it. “You won, you’ll find another job, you—“

“I love you.”

Sonny blinked at him, the fight leaving him in an instant. The words were offered as though they were an explanation, but they just added to his confusion.

“Then stay.”

“I’m so sorry,” Rafael whispered. “But this is what I need. This is what I have to do.”

Sonny studied Rafael’s face, read between the lines in his broken, pleading expression. He wanted to fight, to beg, to do anything to make Rafael stay, but he knew it was no use. His partner was as stubborn as they come, and he could see this decision hadn’t been made lightly, nor would it be easy, so he nodded.

“I love you too,” he whispered as he cupped Rafael’s cheek, wiping a stray tear with his thumb.

Rafael closed his eyes, leaning into Sonny’s touch for a moment before smiling at him, still sad, still broken. Sonny’s heart ached to fix this somehow, but he knew he couldn’t.

“This isn’t goodbye,” Rafael said suddenly, a fierceness in his voice that hadn’t been there a moment ago. “Not unless you want it to be.”

“Of course not,” he said without hesitation.

He gripped Rafael’s face in his hands, and Rafael grabbed the front of his shirt, and their lips crashed together clumsily, all teeth and passion and longing and tears, and they fell into bed, packing abandoned for now, desperate for one last time together before everything changed.

vi. a new beginning

“So…” Rafael slid another drink across the table to Sonny. All his usual bravado seemed to have gone, replaced by a shyness and uncertainty that didn’t suit him. “You...seeing anyone?”

Sonny laughed, surprised by the question, and shook his head. “Nah. You?”

Rafael shook his head, smiling at Sonny over his glass. He still looked nervous, and before he could think better of it, Sonny leaned across the table and kissed him, soft and sweet and chaste, as though they hadn’t missed a day.

“God,” Rafael said through a laugh as they broke off. “I’ve missed that kiss.”

Sonny hummed in response, pleased with himself and his own bravery.

“I never stopped thinking about you, you know,” Rafael said quietly, barely audible over the chatter around them.

“I’m pretty hard to forget.”

Rafael rolled his eyes, biting down on a smile.

“You said it wasn’t goodbye,” Sonny said with a shrug, suddenly shy himself as he played idly with the condensation on the tabletop. “I guess I trusted you.”

“I meant it,” Rafael said quickly, reaching across the table to take Sonny’s hand.

“You stopped calling though,” he said, not meeting Rafael’s gaze.

Rafael sighed, and moved to take his hand away again, but Sonny stopped him, linking their fingers.

“I thought I was setting you free,” Rafael admitted with a sad smile. “Liv kept telling me I was an idiot but I—“

“You are an idiot.”

After a beat of silence, Rafael barked out a surprised laugh, throwing his head back.

“I missed that,” Rafael said through a sigh. “You just speaking your mind.”

“Well…” Sonny trailed off with a shrug, a grin slowly taking over his face.

They sat in silence for a while, just drinking, hands back on their respective sides of the table though Sonny longed to touch him again, to be closer.

“I never stopped loving you,” he admitted, forcing himself to maintain eye contact.

Rafael didn’t look surprised at the admission, though. He simply nodded with a sigh.

“That was the problem. I thought if I stopped calling, maybe you’d...fall out of love.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Sonny said with a sharp shake of his head. He stood, moving around the table so he could sit beside Rafael, so close their knees touched. “For someone so smart, you really are stupid.”

Rafael hummed in agreement, but before he could say anything, Sonny kissed him, fiercer now, pulling Rafael into him, pouring years of pent-up longing into the action.

When they broke apart, both a little breathless, Rafael grinned at him, pressing their foreheads together.

“I never stopped loving you either, you know,” he said quietly.

“I know.”

“Can you forgive me for being an absolute idiot?”

Sonny smiled, pressing a quick kiss to Rafael’s lips before pulling back to stand up again.

“Already forgiven,” he said easily, holding out a hand for Rafael to take. “Come on. Let’s go home.”

[mitsuhasnolifebutwatchesanime]

Cells at Work!/Cells at Work!!/Cells at Work Black

(Don't mind me reviewing technically three shows at once!)

Hmm, 2018, when I sorta fell off the seasonal anime binge. Anyway, I DID watch Cells at Work when it came out in 2018...just...like four eps tho. It was cute, it was educational, and I just had so much other shit going on at the time. The manga for Cells at Work Black which sounded a lot cooler was going on and I heard about it and was like “well if that gets an anime I’ll be sure to watch.” Well it got its anime! And Cells at Work got it’s second season! I’m so behind.

I actually spent a good chunk of the end of 2020 watching Grey's Anatomy thanks to my fiancee’s mother watching it while I was visiting. So, somehow I sorta learned a lot about medicine and health. My mother was a medical transcriptionist for about ten years, so I absorbed some info from her-- anyway, I’m not into the sciences as hardcore as some of my friends. While I will continue to call this Osmosis Jones the anime, I mean it in the most endearing way, because it is very cute. It’s not a new concept, but it’s a good execution of a tried and true concept of “the inner workings of the human body.” I mean, I grew up on School House Rock as well, so sometimes I just sing the Body Machine song (among others from Science House Rock) to myself Just Because.

What I want to do here is compare the two series. Both go places, and for sure from the get-go of Cells at Work Black, you KNOW it’s going bad places. So it depends: do you want something light hearted, slice of life with a little sprinkling of education? Cells at Work is great.

If you don’t know the story already just by the title and my brief, unoriginal joke, it follows the story of a new Red Blood Cell throughout the body, introducing the viewer to different cells and functions of the human body, showing off the immune system, cardiovascular system, and much much more, all while the body deals with threats of the viral, bacterial, and even external injuries and such. The first Cells at Work and it’s sequel Cells at Work!! (the 2 exclamation points= two) focus on one body, while Cells at Work Black focuses on another body which is doing significantly worse health-wise.

We all get sick, there are constantly bacteria and viruses going through the human body which is what your immune system fights, but the body in the first cells at work? Aside from maybe being a little allergen-ridden and maybe suffering from some immunodeficiencies, is much healthier than the body featured in Cells at Work Black. That body is dealing with smoking, insomnia, just, any bad thing you can think of, it’s happening to them. Also the Black is Cells at Work Black is in reference to “Black Factories” in Japan, which are factories/companies with such shitty work ethic and such they literally work their employees to death. This could refer to the state of the body as a whole, or maybe the person’s body is in this sort of situation where they’re being so overworked their body and health are suffering because of it.

I suppose sometimes I wish that the show would show outside of the body, but that would be no fun. It is fun, with what limited medical knowledge I have, trying to guess the solution to each situation. I.E. the body loses a ton of blood and I’m just yelling “BLOOD TRANSFUSION” at the screen and then bam, blood transfusion, or in another case, severe dehydration “FLUIDS!” and fluids.

Unrelated I was super sick at the beginning of last year and went to the ER and knew for a fact I just needed fluids. Well they had to rule everything else out so I got dragged from test to test and I was like PLEASE JUST FILL ME WITH THE HYDRATION JUICE. Anyway my nurse said “oops” as she was putting in my IV (something a medical professional should never say) and I glanced over and got to see my own blood and fainted, which I never do lmao. Take care of your body! It’s already been proven these shows have made people really want to take care of their bodies.

Whether you want it lighter or darker, both anime are pretty enjoyable and so episodic, you can enjoy them whenever and in no particular order, just know that Cells at Work Black is a LOT darker and more depressing. Either way, please give either of these shows a try for yourself!

[robotbeararms]

Apartment pt III

Previous posts:

https://robotbeararms.tumblr.com/post/630473214223630337/apartment-pt-i

https://robotbeararms.tumblr.com/post/630536933346508800/apartment-pt-ii

It’s me, your boi, with part three finally.

To catch up, we’re now at like, 2016 in my love affair with my apartment.

My car, Dinah, was a 1989 Jeep Cherokee that I loved with all my heart. Unfortunately, she did not love me back. It wasn’t uncommon for me to have to sheepishly call up friends and family at all hours of the night because I was stranded in Seattle or Lakewood with a dead car and no way home. She would turn off if I took left turns too sharply, no matter how fast I was going (the engine mount had loose screws, causing it to disconnect from the battery). Later, I found out that I had a casual case of carbon monoxide poisoning due to a rusted exhaust pipe that leaked into the cab. I held on to that car as long as I could. Maybe that says something about my personal feelings about loyalty, but damn I loved that car.

At this point, I was working solely at the comic book shop now, and was a troop leader for a fantastic group of girl scouts. I have a habit of both being very casual when at work, while also secretly working myself to the bone. For someone who often says “capitalism is a fuck” I definitly spend a lot of non-work hours invested in my work. I’m working on getting better (that should be the only pun in this whole thing. I will not apologize).

I had a massive falling out with a friend. Looking back, I can see how bad the friendship was, but at the time, it felt like I had had the wind knocked out of me. Ultimately though, I learned a lot about standing up for myself and not backing down.

I met someone through the shop. We’d hang out almost nightly, often until 2 or 3 in the morning, talking about literally anything. We saw Rogue One in theatres together about 4 times, and got gently ushered out of bars when we stayed past last call talking politics. Me, being an idiot, thought that we were just very good friends, and that any feelings I might be developing were most assuredly not reciprocated. We’re engaged now.

Our apartment was not big enough to accommodate myself, my partner, my roommate, two cats and a very large dog. All the humans in the house had their own private libraries and large hobbies that took up a bunch of space, and all the pets loved to be exactly where you needed to be. Even though it was cramped and messy, it was warm, and it was home.

Then my dog died. Grief is hard, (obviously) but it takes on a certain, exceptional type of pain when it’s a beloved pet. I felt like I had a giant meat hook pierced through my chest and had been left to dangle for months. I held her in the vet’s office for half an hour singing “Black Dog” by AJJ until she passed. (Here is a link, if you want to start crying: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PWYwgjncFs) The rest of the year was spent in a haze, and I am forever fortunate to my brothers, my partner and my roommate for carrying me through.

I had meant for this whole thing to only be three parts, but I’m long winded and we just now reached the end of 2017. So I guess if you are still following along, expect Part iv to come out eventually (I promise a faster turnaround time between this one and part iv than I gave between parts ii and iii).

Bonus photos of Dinah, the car that wanted to kill me and Maddie, the dog I would have died for:

[dreaminterlude]

'kind of prevented me from disappearing into existence' is the saddest thing ive read in momths. I had such a visceral reaction when i read it too,,, i felt like you stabbed my soul omg 😭😭 i too have these feelings so i get you. I just wanted to pass on what a friend told me last year when i was dealing w the same situation as u are rn (i moved away from my homecountry to the literal antipedes of it and spent all year alone bc of rona darling. Still am alone but in a better place now bc i said fuck it imma enjoy this loner period and focus on getting better from my chronic depression, depersonalization and anxiety. And im doing it lol its been hell but im getting better). Anyway so my friend told me that sometimes you gotta be open to new ppl entering in your life even if they stay for a very short time. And i hate being vulnerable but fuck yeah im going to learn from these people. Also, my mom also says that the people who last less in ur life are the ones that teach you the most. So, try to pinpoint why you are in this situation now. Maybe if you come from toxic friendships, you gotta learn how to trust in urself again before making friends. Maybe if you had a fall out w ur old friends its bc u need to understand what you need in your friendships. Anyway i know youll figure it out!! I believe in you and you are super strong and genuine, dont forget that!!! Have fun in your journey babe!!!!!!!!!!!!!💖💖💖💖💖

this is so!!!! thank you for messaging me! and i’m sorry that what i said was triggering i didn’t mean to :( but yeah it’s honestly what i’ve been feeling for the past 2 years, that i’m slowly disappearing, or that i no longer exist because i’m no longer remembered by the people i thought i was close to....because i don’t know how to live me for me....or i guess i’ve gotten used to it but i’m tired of really living life completely alone

you are such an all star for growing and doing all of this by yourself, i’m so proud of you, and i really hope you’re thriving, or getting there!! it’s so not easy leaving your home country and literally being stuck in a new place. i’ve been trying to focus on myself too, but sometimes it does just feel strange that i live a completely singular life....like it’s so quiet right now..but also recently there have been some really shitty things happening that disrupt any kind of change i want to focus on for myself, and there’s little i can do to control it right now, i’m hoping it just passes soon. i think the thing might be that what i want is just too unrealistic and it doesn’t exist but it used to exist, or at least i thought it did so i crave it again, i’m so greedy i want all or nothing.....anyways here i am, making do with the nothing i have in terms of real life relationships, esp bc it’s hard to even meet new people let alone let them into your life, but hopefully this time also passes (it will). you are an absolute star for taking the time to message me this, i truly appreciate it. i hope you’re taking care and doing well ♥️♥️♥️

[crimeronan]

ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive

you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.  

i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond

because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit

the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing.  and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice

so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do.  i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be

(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)

-

how do i stay alive

it’s a 2-parter, actually.  i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things

1. love 2. spite

-

1. love

the spite is easier to write about than the love.  love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.

spite is where i go when i want to die.  love is where i go when i want to want to live.

maybe i don’t want to be alive.  but maybe i wish i did.  spite doesn’t help me much there.  spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable.  there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me.  i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight

so. love

i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral.  that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless.  but it would be a lie of omission.  spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.

“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them.  cry on them.  support each other.  like each other.  fine.”  you’ve heard this story before

nah.

i mean - yes.  i have people i love.  i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner.  i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone.  i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection

but i could live without every single one of them.  i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival.  i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received.  (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this.  i’ve told them all this, they know.  they’re glad of it.)

so.  what the fuck does “love” mean, then?

the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world.  it’s all the little connections i’ve made.  every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe.  hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away.  no dissolution of self today, sir

the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane.  partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.

i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn.  blue  light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.

there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs.  my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain.  right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.

the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting.  but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space.  it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there.  it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.

we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.

we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration.  rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years.  i have to start smaller.  i’m not used to keeping physical objects.  dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves

so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.

my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual.  but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken.  there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know.  i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me

there are two exquisite chairs on the porch.  they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds.  there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone.  i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams

there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard.  we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway.  some seem to have sprouted by accident.  mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence.  the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment.  birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends

a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with.  we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones

on the drive i fell in love with the sky.  i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie.  i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get.  i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above.  i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom.  the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave

in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself.  in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall.  we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours.  the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth.  mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths

i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it.  slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain

i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites.  the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate.  of course we’d end up behind someone.  this isn’t divine intervention.  this isn’t the benevolence of a god

i thought, but it can be a little magic.  if i want it to be.  

and it was.  it stays with me.

god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing.  i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building.  and i can keep going.  i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them

so i’ll stop here.  you get the picture.  love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.

i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.

i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.

-

2. spite

there are people who want me to die.

i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise.  although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much.  probably some of them would enjoy my death.  i don’t give a shit about that

there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike.  a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion

because i’m gay.  because i’m bipolar.  because i’m autistic.  because i’m a dropout.  because i grew up poor.  because my spine curves and my shoulders ache.  because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me

pick your poison.

this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right.  that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down

we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it.  mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.

i’m older now.  by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth.  i ask for what i want.  i use my time how i want.  i do what i want.

there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation.  no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too.  everyone i love.  it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me

trauma is difficult to describe.  the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included.  i never know if i’m feeling what other people do.  i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.

there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me.  i don’t touch it all the time.  but i don’t pretend it isn’t there.  it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes.  it presses at my throat.  it curdles in my stomach.  it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate.  it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile.  it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.

i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors.  i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir.  there are a thousand ways to describe this thing.  the descriptors aren’t important.  what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor.  this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.”  this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.

it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist.  it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop.  it wants what it wants, it does what it does.  possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that

but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me.  to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses.  it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it.  i cannot fight with myself.  i cannot beat my monster into submission.  if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,

then it’s stronger.  it’s always stronger.

so i surrender.

but that’s not where i stop.

can’t fight it.  can’t kill it.  can’t muzzle it.  can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.  

alright.  

so what now.

if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me.  can’t fix it.  will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.

that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric.  hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.  

so fuck that, i say. 

here’s a better question.

if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?

here’s the thing.

the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.  

“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.” 

 losing battle.  lost war.

 it’s not the monster’s fault.  the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears.  it exists to protect me through scorched earth.  a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury.  it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.

i can’t change the monster.

but my mind is a separate thing.  my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect.  my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.  

my mind has learned things the monster can’t.

when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me.  but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,

that’s when i’m stronger.

and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes.  what it touches.  what it destroys.  what it burns.  where the ashes land.

i do not want to be a destructive person.  i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes.  i want to make the world better for kids like me.  i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born.  i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative.  i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.

but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.

so it’s good.

when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles.  my cognizance slips.  i forget why i care.  i forget what i want.  i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.  

i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now.  but it still happens.  it will keep happening for the rest of my life.

my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.

it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.

it wants to survive.

the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead.  it’s been fighting them forever.  die like they want?  my mind says, sure, what does it matter.

the monster says, nah.  our work isn’t done.  and fuck them, anyway.

so we get up.

-

so that’s how i stay alive.

i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post.  i don’t know if anyone will read it all.  i don’t know if it’ll mean anything.  i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.

i love being alive.  and when i don’t, i love being a monster.  it’s good.  all of it is good.  i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces.  it’s not one or the other, love or spite.  it’s symbiosis.  i need both, i love both.

no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:

you’ll have to find your own roots.  i can’t give them to you.  

but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.  

and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world. 

 i’m positive there’s at least one.

figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.

if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system.  adjust your strategy.

you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.

[lilyshadowwriter]

Augustus’ Story Summarized

As there’s a story summary for Gemma, I figured I’d go ahead and write one for Augustus too, so here’s what’s happened up to this point:

While Augustus and Gemma are twins and two of the closest people you��ll meet, they are also in many ways opposites. Whereas Gemma is known for her cool logic and has difficulties putting herself in other people’s shoes, Augustus is all about the heart- both empathetic and compassionate. They do, however, share a tendency to be introspective and introverted, so rarely will you see either of them surrounded by friends or frequenting large gatherings.

Augustus has a much easier time talking to people and has several casual friends, but rarely does he let people into his own private world. He finds it difficult to completely let down his guard, which is why it was so significant when he met someone he was willing to let go for completely. That person, of course, was Isaac Santiago Taveras.

The two met when they were 15 (So, What Are We Now Pt. 1 and Pt. 2) and had an instant connection despite outwardly seeming like two very different people. Isaac was athletic, cool, and popular, whereas Augustus stuck mostly to his sister and was more interested in art and doing well in school, but it didn’t seem to matter because they each thought of one another as if they’d hung the moon. They spent all of their time with one another, but were always unsure if the other felt the same for them- whether they were seen as simply a good friend, or whether they too, felt something more.

This confusion was made even worse by the fact that Isaac wasn’t out- not even his parents knew that he was gay and because of events that happened when he was quite young, he was terrified of them finding out- terrified of anyone finding out. After a messy debacle in which Isaac’s best friend Elena kissed Isaac in the middle of the school hallway and Augustus saw though, he chased after a hurt Augustus and told him everything.

The two shared a sort of secret, shy, and “unofficial” relationship afterward, sneaking glances, fleeting touches, and even surprise ambush hugs, haha. It was precious, and it was good, and despite the need to hide, they were happy simply being with one another.

This all changed quickly though after one fateful afternoon, when under the orange hues of the setting sun, Augustus attempted to kiss Isaac. Isaac panicked and pulled away, suddenly pointing out some random turtle on the bank. Augustus was thrown off and embarrassed, but as he tried to fumble through an apology Isaac received a call from his parents that he needed to come home immediately...and he left, but not before promising Augustus that he didn’t do anything wrong. Augustus lets him go, still embarrassed, but hopeful at least that he didn’t mess things up between them.

It turns out to be the last time they ever spoke. 

Isaac moves away and never speaks to him again, save for some generic text message informing him that he was moving out of state and that he didn’t think he would be able to keep in contact with him anymore. Isaac’s phone gets disconnected, any emails sent to him get bounced back undeliverable, and no one ever hears from him again.

It leaves Augustus devastated because he loved him. It leaves Augustus devastated because it leaves him with the conclusion that despite everything, Isaac had clearly never felt the same as him.

Years later and Augustus had never really dated anyone. There were some half-hearted attempts, a mindless first kiss from a guy who’d kissed him at his junior prom who he’d had to awkwardly turn down, and that was about it. He never thought much about it though, simply chalking it up to having not found anyone he particularly liked.

This changed his sophomore year of college though (A&G I) when a certain purple-haired young man, Patrick O’ Doherty, manages to get through to Gus’ heart after literal months of failed and awkward exchanges that usually left Augustus perplexed and confused, lol. Eventually though, Augustus realizes that maybe he liked Patrick too, and so he gives him a chance, surprising Patrick with a sudden kiss in the middle of the campus grounds.

Ever since, they’ve had a rather sweet and happy relationship, often spending time with one another and never failing to make the other smile. However, even within its sweetness it’s also remained quite superficial, with Augustus clearly keeping Patrick at arm’s length for unknown reasons, and Patrick too nervous to rock the boat and risk losing him.

This begins to cause issues for them, particularly as Augustus’ worries grow about his twin sister, Gemma, who more and more seems to struggle to get through the days. It makes him feel like he’s failing, like he’s wholly lacking, because no matter how hard he tries to stop it, he keeps seeing Gemma slip. Augustus keeps this to himself though, never sharing his fears and worries with Patrick.

Then, during his junior year, Augustus bumps into someone he never thought he’d see again: Isaac (A&G II). It sucks, abruptly bringing back everything Augustus thought he’d forgotten years ago. He honestly tries to forget this brief encounter, but then Augustus sees him again (A&G III) and this time instead of cutting the conversation short and running off, Isaac insists that they talk. Augustus doesn’t want to hear anything that he has to say, but eventually gives in and learns the truth of what happened all those years ago.

The truth was, Isaac did feel the same for him. The truth was, Isaac did want that kiss, but despite wanting it, panicked when the moment came, not as ready as he thought he’d been. The truth was, that night, Isaac was so frustrated with hiding that he came out to his parents, and it went worse than he could have imagined. They accused him of ridiculous shit like being ‘tempted by the devil’ and threatened to kick him out of the house, and when Isaac bit back that he’d just go to Augustus’ place, they concluded that Augustus was the problem, and moved the whole family away. 

They took his phone after he snuck a message to Augustus and his friends, they took his computer, they had him on a 24/7 lock down and they told him if he ever spoke to Augustus again, that would be it. And Isaac, hundreds of miles from anyone he knew, cut off the world, and scared out of his mind, gave in. 

It would be another 3 years before Isaac confronted his parents again, and this time firmly stated that they could either accept him as he was, or they would never see him again. He was 18 then and had had enough. His parents shocked him by asking him to stay and promising to try and do better, but it’s been a rocky process.

Augustus feels awful for what Isaac went through. He forgives him, much to Isaac’s surprise. He still hates what happened, but doesn’t blame him. He was 15 and it was an impossible situation he never should have had to go through. They part on awkward, but mostly good terms. They agree to maybe try to be friends again.

A&G IV Pt. 1 finds Augustus quite shaken by all he’d learned, and annoyed with himself for being shaken in the first place. It was all in the past, after all. Why should it have mattered anymore? It didn’t, and yet Augustus can’t stop thinking about it.

That’s when he finds out that Gemma is doing worse than ever, and discovers her practically unresponsive with a knocked over bottle of sleeping pills lying on her bedside table. He panics, and even after he discovers that she’d only taken a few and that she was fine, just tired, he can’t get that image out of his head. He can’t rid himself of the horror he’d felt when he’d thought he’d lost her. He can’t forget Gemma’s tearful, mumbled words to him as he tried to comfort her, “I don’t want to kill myself, but sometimes I do wish that I’d never existed.”

It has Augustus throwing up because of the stress and feeling worse than ever, but it’s then that Isaac happens to text him some light-hearted, silly thing. Augustus texts him a thanks for the laugh and Isaac asks what happened. He debates not saying anything, but reveals he had a shit morning and that he can’t get it out of his head. To his displeasure, Isaac calls him, but they end up talking and little by little Augustus shares with him what happened. Afterward, he feels a bit better, maybe even happy that he got to talk to Isaac, that maybe they really could be friends again and that could be a good thing.

When he later admits to Gemma that he’s been talking to Isaac though, his sister has a negative reaction, shaking some of his previous confidence. She points out that Isaac probably could have done more to reach out to him despite his situation, and Augustus counters that Isaac feared losing his family and that the risk was too great. Gemma reluctantly relents, but still expresses some concerns, worrying that Isaac might hurt him again. Augustus reveals that he’s really missed Isaac, and that he wants to give him a chance again- that they would only be trying to be friends, after all. Gemma lets it go, but not without advising that Augustus should reflect on why this meant so much to him.

Later, when Augustus is talking to Patrick and on his way to having lunch with him, Isaac texts him a simple follow-up and asks how he’s doing and Augustus replies that he’s fine now and that he’ll talk to him later. It’s a rather nothing exchange to Augustus, but Patrick happens to see the texts and asks him what happened. Augustus evades, giving a general answer about Isaac happening to catch him after something occurred that morning, but that it was all fine now and that’s why he hadn’t mentioned it.

To his surprise, Patrick abruptly announces that he forgot he needed to go to work early that day and ducks out of their lunch date, but before he goes, asks Augustus if he’ll come over to his place after his shift. Patrick assures him that it’s nothing bad, but that he has something important to talk to him about. Augustus has a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, but agrees...

...and that’s where we catch up to him now- sitting on Patrick’s doorstep and wondering what it is that he wants to say......

[eijiroukiriot]

i don’t have a fancy name for it or anything but this is my kirishima playlist

I posted about my krbk playlist a little while ago but since it’s Boy Day I wanted to finally post about my solo Kirishima playlist too!! The only other thing I have to say is that I Love The Boy and that’s what this playlist is for :) 

Spotify Link

song descriptions under the cut!

(bc of how i want to format the explanations, this list will be out of order with the actual playlist but that doesn’t actually matter that much!)

i. Teenage Icon - The Vaccines 

“Oh look at me, so ordinary

No mystery with no great capabilities”

-I guess it’s pretty fitting to start the list off with a very Middle School Kirishima kinda song! Something I really love about this one is that it’s very steeped in this idea that “oh I’m not great, I’ve been blown up my whole life but I’m really nothing special, I should just stop pretending to be” but then the choruses and the bridge are so upbeat that it feels like it’s made peace with it! Maybe even like it’s celebrating it? Like, this isn’t wallowing in self hatred, it’s an anthem and I feel like it’s the kind of thing Kirishima would listen to in middle school and think “yeah, I’m not special, so what, who cares” 

ii. Whatta Man - I.O.I 

the one w the classic “whatta man whatta man whatta man” hook but a kpop song

-as kirishima is the only boy alive, this song talking about a very good man must be dedicated to him

-put in the ioi ver instead of the classic one bc i love girls 

iii. Embers - Owl City

“And we'll watch the sky as it fills with light

And though the embers are new, whatever you do just don't let the fire die” 

-Something you are gonna learn very quickly about me is that I Love Owl City 

-A lot of Owl City songs are about overcoming hard times and facing forward and this one hits me more than a lot of other generic Encouraging Songs because “don’t let the fire die” feels like such a genuine sentiment, like more than “you’re a firework” or whatever because it encapsulates the idea of “this is your decision to make and something you’re gonna have to put in the effort but you can turn your life around, you don’t have to hate yourself, you can make the decision not to” which I feel is a very Kirishima sentiment

iv. I’m Gay - Bowling For Soup 

“It sells records when you're sad these days, it's super cool to be mad these days -

I think rock and roll is really funny when it's serious” 

-now. there is the very obvious meaning here

-But mostly this feels like a very Kirishima-ish song to me since it’s all about getting out of the “everything sucks and talking about that all the time makes you cool” mentality and not taking things so seriously, focusing on the positives and trying to make other people happy too!

v. I’ll Make a Man Out of You - Mulan

(picking a lyric to express kirishima in this one feels dumb when all you need to see this as a Him song is to imagine him belting it out) 

-the 12 year old that still lives somewhere inside of me and spent hours watching videos w titles like Total Drama Character Theme Songs on youtube is Extremely proud of herself for this one 

vi. The Squip Song - BMC 

“Freshman year, I didn't have a girlfriend or a clue

I was a loser, just like you”

-Look the fact of it is this song has extreme Kirishima Energy and to convince you of that I could write a lot of stuff or I could just link you the animatic I made please watch it I worked very hard

-Lyrical content aside I think the funky guitar and the horns and the amount of screaming in this song are Very kirishima 

vii. Fiji Water - Owl City 

“If I only knew then what I know now, I’d stand like a one man band, and I’d say

‘All this is new to me, but here’s how it’s gonna be - there is more to me than meets the eye” 

-owl city part 2! It’s about him seeing himself as a regular kid but getting called by a record label and flown out to talk about a record deal, and it’s cast in this light of “I didn’t see myself as much then and I was surprised it could all happen to me” but trying to make the most of it anyway, which reminds me a lot of Kirishima still doubting himself but getting to UA anyway

-The last line “I laughed when I got back home and I thought, ‘there’s no such thing as luck’” is my absolute favorite part of the song and when I imagine that as kirishima getting home after crushing the entrance exam and falling face-first onto his bed laughing...well! a bitch is soft!

viii. I Wanna Meet Richard Dreyfuss - Gabriel Gundacker (the guy who made the “you are my dad” vine)

“Hello, don’t mean to interrupt your flow

But I’ve got something you need to know, and it’s very specific, so here we go:

I wanna meet Richard Dreyfuss” 

-This song is from an album dedicated to a fan’s process of wanting to meet, NEEDING to meet, giving up on, trying to forget about, (brief intermission about saddles as he forgets about), apologizing to, finally meeting, and saying a satisfied goodbye to Richard Dreyfuss and it’s one of my favorite albums of all time

-At first I just thought the song sounded pretty Kirishima in terms of earnest effort and slightly-soulful high notes but then someone sent me an ask like “WHY IS THE RICHARD DREYFUSS SONG ON YOUR KIRISHIMA PLAYLIST” and I realized it would totally make sense for Kirishima to write an entire album about wanting to meet Crimson Riot, so, checkmate 

ix. Angel, Please - Ra Ra Riot 

“Long as I feel I can tell the danger did it - oh, you guard yourself, you do

I wasn't hurt but I know you're the curse, I know you were” 

-i am not gonna lie the first time i heard this song I just wanted so so badly to make it abt kirishima bc 1) album cover is red 2) band name has riot in it

-Anyway so after a month of listening to it w that mindset I can say pretty confidently that this song makes me think of Kirishima’s big fat crush on bkg so really it should be in the krbk playlist instead of this one but I do what I want 

x. Beautiful Times - Owl City

“My heart's burning bad and it's turning black but I'm learning how to be stronger” 

-Owl City part 3 :)

-This one is the most focused on the dark side of things and the “struggling through the depression” angle but I really do think the ending is a beautiful sentiment and that line up there reminds me of him

-I feel like...things never get easy right away and there’s always gonna be some doubt there no matter how good you feel, and the only thing we can do about that is to keep trying to make things better

Songs that are also in my krbk playlist which I wrote about here that I won’t describe at length again but that I mostly associate with Kirishima: 

xi. Hooked on a Feeling - Blue Swede

xii. Kimi Janakya Dame Mitai - Masayoshi Oishi

xiii. Knock Three Times - Tony Orlando & Dawn 

xiv. If You Wanna - The Vaccines 

xv. Slayers - Matt Fishel (I do want to say that this one is a big one bc it literally feels like what Kirishima would come up with if he tried to write bkg a song) 

xvi. I’m Totally Obsessed With Him - Matt Fishel 

xvii. Television/So Far So Good - Rex Orange County

xviii. Mamma Mia - ABBA

Aaaand, songs that all remind me of Kirishima just because they’re bops filled with loud, boisterous, cheerful, and at times comedic Kirishima Energy:  

xix. Young Volcanoes - Fall Out Boy

xx. Flyers - Bradio 

xxi. Don’t Stop Me Now - Queen

xxii. Mr. Brightside - The Killers

xxiii. Sincerely Me - Dear Evan Hansen

xxiv. Uptown Funk - Bruno Mars

[year-of-yes]

Rabbit Hole

There’s nothing that those of us with ADHD love more than falling down the rabbit hole of a new hobby. I’ve decided that my new rabbit hole will be vaginas. Queer vaginas. 

I’ve been exploring my sexuality more thoroughly this year, prompted by quarantine and my last year of grad school, to really lean in. 

I’m a serial monogamist and find myself with free time - my boyfriend is studying abroad for the next year - and we’ve decided to open up the relationship. Given that I’ve always been in relationships, or spent most of my pre-tinder years woefully sexually repressed, I’ve never just gone balls to the wall in terms of prioritizing MY sex life. For me. I’m a notorious people pleaser and just the thought of telling a guy on a first date that I was only interested in casual sex would have made my skin crawl 5 years ago.

But no more!

The first few months of my new found freedom have been a veritable smorgasbord of men WAY out of my league. Something about knowing I’m in an open relationship allows guys to relax and just have fun with intimacy. (Men are the worst.) Ive never been on smoozier dates, with nicer wine and hotter guys in my life. Should I ever become single again, I will probably just continue to pretend to have a boyfriend, because DAMN. I’ve started keeping an album in my phone of their tinder profile pics just so when I’m old I can look back and remind myself that yeah, I FUCKED. 

Part of this new exploration has been coming to terms with the fact that yes I like women, and yes, I’m not attracted to ALL women, and yes I have mostly hooked up with guys but YEAH, I was definitely bisexual. And that I should stop being afraid and just DO IT.

But like any baby dyke on her first foray into the unknown, I was like a traveler with a brand new passport leaving the country for the first time, blinking out of an airport to realize that I didn’t speak the language, and oh yeah, I was dressed like a tourist. 

Despite the wisdom in taking things slow, my ADHD impulsivity had taken over and like any good hobby worth hyper focusing on, I was determined that I would learn by DOING. I wanted to have sex with women. Now, preferably.

I thought hooking up with a woman for the first time would be as easy as matching with someone hot on tinder - after all, thats all it really took with guys. I casually started following more queer women on instagram, tiktok and twitter, paying attention to what I could learn, assured that on any given day, I’d run into someone at the grocery store or match with a babe on tinder who would sweep me off my feet. Because now I was ACTIVELY looking at women! Not passively checking them out!

WRONG. After months of falling for dozens of matches who never messaged me, or conversations that never led to plans, or plans that fizzled out, I pulled on my big girl pants and decided that I was going to be a woman of action and get.myself.on.a.date. I’m hot goddamn it! I was going to MAKE SURE they knew I wasn’t just another straight girl bored on an app. I WANTED TO EAT PUSSY.

 it might be time to introduce that in addition to my very noticeable ADHD, I also have much less noticeable autism. All that business about girls presenting differently than boys means that others rarely pick up on it - and I don’t feel the need to mention it unless I think it will impact our relationship, like with a friend or coworker. I’ve learned that mentioning it on dates doesn’t really make things easier, but thanks to years masking, I can pull off a first date no sweat. Continuing on to dates 2 and 3 can be trickier, but I’ve learned how to navigate those waters with men who, suffice to say, are rarely intuitive enough to pick up on anything. In fact, I would venture a guess that most people on a date with me consider me very extroverted. Nevermind that I’m too mentally exhausted to leave my room the day after a date. I talk a lot, occasionally too much. I often look bored or bitchy because resting autistic face is more exhausting to change than resting bitch face, so I make up for it by being overly chatty when we hit on any of my special interests.

I have NO idea how this will translate on a date with a woman. My instinct is to say that I am overthinking and likely it will feel like any other date, but then I’ve always found women harder to read than men, and found it harder to see how they read me. I was also terrified that flirting would feel different - what if I was giving off a friendly vibe, not an I-want-to-fuck vibe? Is it typical for women to fuck on a first date? Should I touch her to let her know I was into her? Or did the fact that I had gotten all the way from a swipe right on tinder to an actual date suffice in itself to let her know? These might not be the sorts of questions a non-anxious neurotypical person might ask themselves, but they are the questions that I had slowly built up an arsenal of information for over the last 14 years in my interactions with men - information that was no longer applicable. So I set about seeking out this information in a way familiar to most autistics learning information that came naturally to others.

Google! I realized that I know very little about the actual gay scene despite having queer friends. How do lesbians flirt? How do you pick one up? What is considered too forward? And how in gods name did you eat pussy? Because goddamn it I intended to be good.

I had heard the term lesbian tiktok thrown around and decided to see what was what. Mostly I found videos of 20 year olds with flawless skin making lewd tongue movements that were supposed to be sexy. After probably 40 cumulative hours of trawling tiktok I realized I had a type: androgynous girls who were beautiful despite dressing down and not wearing a ton of makeup. Then I had a real heated soul search with myself. Was I attracted to them because I…wanted to be them? Liked the way they looked and dressed because I too aspired to cool androgyny? A few more days on tiktok and I put my guilt behind me: I definitely had a type and who gave a fuck if it was sort of self indulgent.

I also refused to go back to a time when I was bad at sex. I consider myself a solid sexual partner, keeping guys generally out of my league coming back for more. Thats because I refused to feel self conscience naked, was an excellent kisser, an active participant, vocal about my desires and (most important for men) my ~enthusiasm,  and understood the power of delayed gratification. 

I realized that while I could read articles about eating pussy all day long, it would ultimately come down to what the other girl was into. I’m a proficient masturbator and know what I like others to do to me - but I wasn’t yet accustomed to picking up on the cues that women give about what they liked. I resolved that the first time I was with a girl, I was going to lean in to the delayed gratification. Focus on kissing, touching, necks, ears, breasts, navels etc. so by the time I came face to face with a vagina it would be so wet I’d have my work cut out for me. In a little vagina shaped cake. Why not just ask them, you say?? Because! I’m extremely awkward and don’t want whoever she is to know that I’m woefully inexperienced. Fake. it. til. You. Make. it. 

It was like being a horny teenager again: desperate for interaction but unsure how anything worked. I was googling phrases like “bisexual style” and “how to eat pussy without getting tired”. I read hours of r/actuallesbians, Tumblr posts and go magazine articles. Mostly I realized that I would be able to skirt through to some degree: I was a solid 6-7 on the attractiveness scale, willing to be aggressive and outgoing no matter how awkward it made me feel, with a roommate who could make sure I looked stylish and a can-do attitude.

Now all I had to do was find a girl I wanted to fuck, who wanted to fuck me too. 

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

ash kwon, but it’s musical theatre songs, pt.2 : love | a playlist [spotify]

alternate title: ash kwon, but it’s musical theatre songs, but this time it’s a thinly-veiled commentary on how his unrealistic and often unhealthy perspective on love is best mirrored through romanticized, dramatized media such as musicals.

i. “gimme gimme” from thoroughly modern millie.

I need it! Gimme, gimme that thing called love. I want it! Here I am, St. Valentine. My bags are packed, I'm first in line. Aphrodite, don't forget me! Romeo and Juliet me! Fly, dove! Sing, sparrow! Gimme fat boy's famous arrow! Gimme, gimme that thing called love!

ash is obsessed with romantic love wbk. this is more meant to reflect the overzealous attitude and unrealistic optimism ash had about love when he was younger. it was, and still is at times, the one thing he believes he can’t live without.

ii. “something to believe in” from newsies.

An angel come to save me Who didn't even know she gave me Something to believe in, For even a day. One day may be forever, But that's okay. That's okay. And if I'm gone tomorrow What was ours still will be. I have something to believe in Now that I know you believed in me.

i’m taking this pretty out of context here because it’s supposed to be sweet 🙄 and romantic 🤢 or whatever in context, but i’m using it more to further symbolize what i said at the end of my explanation for the last song. ash has built himself a headspace over the years where he believes romantic love is the only thing that gives him any real purpose on earth. it’s part of why he often takes break-ups so hard, and why they’re so hard on his mental health, and yet he seemingly rebounds from relationships onto someone else so unusually fast — because he needs something and someone to believe in so that he can feel believed in in return.

iii. “dust and ashes” from natasha, pierre, and the great comet of 1812.

They say we are asleep Until we fall in love. We are children of dust and ashes, But when we fall in love, we wake up, And we are a God And angels weep, But if I die here tonight, I die in my sleep. All of my life I spent searching the words Of poets and saints and prophets and kings, And now at the end all I know that I’ve learned Is that all that I know is I don’t know a thing .

basically me taking another song that’s supposed to be a more positive outlook on love and using it to represent ash’s unhealthy dependency on it. the first six lines here are a paraphrased quote from war and peace, but they also sound like something ash would write. another take on why he rebounds so quickly: because he feels almost numb, asleep, or dead, without romantic love and the validation and purpose he gets from it in his life.

iv. “someday” from the hunchback of notre dame.

Someday When we are wiser, When the world's older, When we have learned, I pray Someday we may yet live To live and let live. Someday Life will be fairer, Need will be rarer, Need will be rarer, Greed will not pay.

this song isn’t explicitly romantic other than being sung by romantic interests, but with that context, i do believe it shows the optimism ash can’t let go of about love. love is the most beautiful thing on earth in ash’s eyes, but he’s well-aware that, historically and to this day, it’s not something everyone’s privileged to be able to experience without fear. he believes that as long as humanity holds onto love, in a more general sense this time, there’s hope for mankind to improve.

v. “perfect for you” from next to normal.

[HENRY] Our planet is poison, The oceans, the air, Around and beneath and above you. [NATALIE] Um, Henry, that's true And I totally care... [HENRY] I'm trying to tell you I love you. [NATALIE] What? [HENRY] The world is at war, Filled with death and disease. We dance on the edge of destruction. The globe's getting warmer by deadly degrees. [NATALIE] And this is one fucked up seduction. [HENRY] This planet is pretty much broken beyond all repair, But one thing is working if you're standing there. Perfect for you. I could be perfect for you. I might be lazy, a loner, A bit of a stoner, it's true, But I might be perfect... I'll make myself perfect, Perfect for you.

ash vc: global warming is going to kill us, we might as well fuck

i mean, yeah, but not really. this is here because ash really does love to try to find his life purpose in trying to be “perfect” for others. 🥴

also ash is lowkey henry and natalie’s lovechild, let’s discuss

vi. “if it’s true” from hadestown (2017 ver) - not on spotify playlist, link here.

If it’s true what they say, If my love is gone for good, They can take this heart away. They can take this flesh and blood. Take my mouth that kissed her mouth. Take my tongue that sung her praise. Take my arms that used to reach out In the dark to where she lay. If it’s true what they say, I’ll be on my way. If it’s true what they say, If there’s nothing to be done, If there’s no part to be played, If there’s no song to be sung, Take this voice, take these hands; I can’t use them anyway. Take this music and the memory Of the muse from which it came.

yeah... ash is dramatic as hell.

vii. “bad idea” from waitress.

It's a bad idea, me and you. Let's just keep kissing 'til we come to. Heart, stop racing. Let's face it, making mistakes like this will make worse what was already pretty bad. Mind, stop running. It's time we just let this thing go. It was a pretty good bad idea, wasn't it though? It's a bad idea, me and you. It's a bad idea, me and you. Hold me close while I think this through. Yeah, it's a very poor idea, me and you. [...] I know it's right for me. It's the only thing I've ever done. What if I never see myself ever be anything more Than what I've already become?

yeah... ash is dumb as hell.

[razberryyum]

The Untamed/陈情令 Rewatch, Episode 6, Part 1 of 2

(spoilers for everything MDZS/Untamed and a little for Princess Weiyoung)

[covers MDZS chapter 18 and a bit of chaps 56 and 66]

WangXian meter: 🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰

(a 🐰 is earned every time there is a WangXian scene or even when they’re just thinking of each other…there’s so much Wangxian-ness in this episode, one post couldn’t contain all of it)

Team CQL went rogue for the two major events featured in this episode—the Cloud Recesses drinking incident and the WangXian bathing scene—and really, bless them and their ancestors for that decision. Not only did the changes provide Wei Ying and Lan Zhan with additional bonding time, but they actually had significant bearing on future events.

Originally in the novel, Lan Zhan didn’t actually partake in the drinking incident that got Wei Ying punished: some nameless disciples, Nie Huaisang and Jiang Cheng were the ones who actually took part in those activities. Lan Zhan only found their drunk asses the next morning and dragged Wei Ying off for disciplinary action (although, from the way the scene was described in the book, it actually seemed like he was more angry at Wei Ying for looking at porn, lol). However, for the live action, that entire scenario was transformed into Lan Zhan actually getting drunk for the first time, albeit against his will. Of course it would have been better if he willingly joined in, but at that point in time, that would have been illogical, not to mention completely out of character for him, so even though Wei Ying sort of did Lan Zhan wrong, there was probably no other way he could have gotten him to share a drink with him otherwise.

I am especially grateful for this change because that is the moment when my eyes were finally open to Wang Yibo’s talents as an actor and I started to really appreciate his performance. Prior to this episode, I was actually wondering if he was playing stoicism so well because that’s really all he was capable of doing, but then, when he dropped that rigid façade and gave us a charmingly adorable drunk Lan Zhan, I realized that everything that came before were indeed acting choices, that he was definitely able to do more than that. Not to mention, he also had pretty good comedic timing. I started to look at him in an entirely new light after watching this episode, and the rest is, as they say, history.

Upon revisiting this episode last night, I finally realized something that I never thought of before, and I feel actually pretty stupid for not even making the connection until now.  During the Koi tower scenes in the present, when Wei Ying as the paperman was eavesdropping on Jin Guangyao and his wife’s conversation, I couldn’t figure out how JGY was able to put Qin Su under his control the way he did, but in watching this episode again, it finally came to me: he probably used a modified version of the charm that Wei Ying used on Lan Zhan in here. After all, JGY was one of the many people who raided the Burial Mounds and took over the Yiling Patriarch’s possessions after his death, so it would make sense for him to discover this particular memento as well. When I first watched this episode, I was mainly just impressed by how powerful the charm is that it would be able to put someone like Lan Zhan under its spell, considering he’s not just some lay person, but rather someone who already had a pretty high level of cultivation by then. I simply saw it as yet another indicator of just how talented and powerful Wei Ying was even at that young age. But now, thinking that Team CQL may have laid the groundwork for something that was going to happen so much later just makes me so much more impressed with their planning.

Of course I could simply be overthinking this whole thing and JGY’s magical powers could just be his own magical powers, or something common to the cultivation world that my dumb brain just overlooked, but for those few seconds when I thought I came upon a fascinating connection, I was quite proud of myself, so allow me to coast on that sense of euphoria just a little while more.

Bonding and other cuteness

Of course I loved every single moment of the Drunk!Lan Zhan sequence, starting with that tiny little flirtatious gesture by Wei Ying. Seriously, how CUTE is that?? Makes me smile every time I see it, and I’ve rewound that little moment numerous times. How anyone can be resistant to Wei Wuxian’s charms I can never understand, but clearly Lan Zhan was still holding out on him. I’m glad that Team CQL chose this incident to reveal the nature of the Gusu Lan head ribbon since it directly led to Wei Ying’s bonding moment with Lan Zhan. Even though the other man was still generally cold to him, it was really sweet that Wei Ying still felt comfortable enough to share the precious memory of his parents with him.

It’s a real shame that Lan Zhan didn’t remember any of it the next day, but I did take comfort in the fact that he still knelt by Wei Ying like a united front to receive Uncle Lan’s wrath and punishment. I’m sure most of that was motivated by his own pride and sense of righteousness, but I still found it touching, especially with how much Wei Ying was defending Lan Zhan so that he would be spared the disciplinary action. Wei Ying was much less protective in the novel during that scene–he was mostly indignant–even  though he was still the one to blame for Lan Zhan’s involvement in the whole incident by basically tricking him into breaking curfew. I love that even though Team CQL changed the drinking incident, they still managed to maintain the spirit of its novel counterpart, much like they did with the Phoenix Mountain Hunt.

And then of course there was this:

Which was obviously a treat for our imaginations to get our creative juices flowing so that we can imagine on our own what might have taken place during the night that led to Wei Wuxian waking up in his half-dressed state. For this gift, I am eternally grateful to the production team.

Jiang Cheng Has Fun For Once

I was actually surprised that Jiang Cheng would join in on the drinking party because up until then he had spent most of his time basically disapproving everything Wei Ying did while also seemingly in a constant state of worry that he would embarrass their sect. Imbibing alcohol was clearly a violation of Gusu Lan rules so it’s kind of amazing that Jiang Cheng willingly join in on such an act of rebellion. Nie Huaisang, on other hand, I totally expected to be a part of the shenanigans…I would’ve expected nothing less from him…but Jiang Cheng was a pleasant surprise. I really enjoyed seeing him let loose like that, especially since we got to find out what he looked for in a mate.

The sad thing is Wen Qing actually fit all of his requirements for a wife, except for that family one, which i in the end, proved to be the most important one after all since it became the deal-breaker, dooming their relationship before it even got a chance to get started.

Another rather sad aspect of seeing Jiang Cheng so at ease and acting like a total goofball is that this really would be the only time we would ever see him this way.  His time at Cloud Recesses was probably the most enjoyable and carefree for him. I doubt he was ever able to enjoy himself the same way again. It actually makes me wonder if he EVER was able to have fun, period, during the last 16 years. Just thinking about what he’s gone through makes me wish I could give him a great big hug. 

Reason #10 for Why I love Big Bro Lan Xichen

His amused reaction to hearing about Wei Ying’s transgression:

…which was immediately followed by his “oh shit” response to hearing his little bro was also involved.

Big Bro Xichen is just too adorable, AND HE DESERVES ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD DAMMIT.

Uncle Lan is One Mean Mofo

Seriously, what’s with Lan Qiren’s obsession with the number 300? I really need to know if there’s some significance to that number since it’s featured in BOTH of the major disciplinary incidents in the show that were carried out by Uncle Lan.  For this first outing, those rulers looked downright brutal; it’s a utter miracle that Wei Ying and Lan Zhan were even able to survive being beat 300 times with that medieval torture device. At the very least their spines should’ve been broken, paralyzing them for the rest of their lives. In the novel they were only caned 100 times, which is still a lot but it’s still a somewhat grounded enough number that I could believe they would be able to heal from their injuries. But 300? They should be maimed. I’ve noticed that with chinese dramas though: they tend to be excessive when it comes to inflicting punishment. I actually stopped watching a show once because the main character was being beaten repeatedly in the stomach (Princess Weiyoung) while being held prisoner. That particular character should not have survived that beating…at the very least he would’ve needed his nutrients to be delivered by IV for the rest of his life (even though IVs didn’t exist yet) because there was no way his stomach was ever going to work again after that. I was almost offended by how ignorant the screenwriters were about basic anatomical and biological functions so I decided to just stop watching (well, the fact that I wasn’t that into the show anyway probably contributed to my decision as well) Of course the 300 floggings weren’t enough to discourage me from continuing forward with The Untamed, but it did throw me out of the show for a good moment because I couldn’t get over how ridiculous that number was.  Uncle Lan really has a sadistic streak in him

Not to mention, he was also surprisingly tactless. He had just learned about Wei Wuxian’s mom from big bro Xichen and I couldn’t believe that he would just throw that info at the Wei Ying in such a careless way, only to shut him down when the poor guy desperately asked for more details about his mom. Uncle Lan had to know enough about Wei Ying’s background to understand how sensitive he would be in regards to his deceased parents, so I was actually taken aback by how heartless Uncle Lan was being during that scene, so much so that for a while after, I really wasn’t feeling much love towards him. Although, now that I think about it, love is probably a misnomer any way since I doubt I would ever love Uncle Lan nor can I even say I ever actually liked him–he’s too much of a fuddy-duddy for my tastes. It’s more like I just accept his existence, appreciate his importance to the Lan brothers, and I find his disapproval of Wei Ying kind of amusing. But in that moment, I definitely did straight out dislike him for being such a cold SOB, especially towards Wei Wuxian.

To be continued in Part 2…(posted)

[dog-girl-zezora]

Im a little drunk so im gonna talk about my best friend i no longer have in the read more and maybe ill feel better, if you read it thank you for indulging my rambling... im just................ im sad bud

soooo august 27th 2019 was the day me and my friend had a falling out...

because i forgot his birthday... his birthday is actually...  uhh i think itd august 17th but im not sure! cause i dont know when anybodies brithday is to be frank im like... really really bad at knowing that kind of stuff and ... idk...

but it wasnt just his birthday... his grandma died 2 weeks before it and i remember him calling me about it... i was in the middle of my summer vacation and i told him that if he needed me to call me and just let me know cause i was just not in town to be around him... i felt so bad...

but then the weeks went by and suddenly its time to move into school and im like, hey zak when im done with moving do you wanna hang out? and at the tme i was really really busy with orientation and getting used to starting my major and upper level classes of exercise science... the pre req to uhhh physical therapy,,, so you know busy

and he was like “no i have plans you need to give me a better heads up im gonna be busy from now on.” and in my head i was like... wow that was kind of oddly aggressive but im not gonna mind it so i just said “okay ill let you know what my schedules like its been p busy” and he never responded and i forgot to send him my schedule... 

2 weeks later he messages me like “do you remember what 2 weeks ago was?” and im like “no?” and hes like “it was my birthday and you forgot” and that basically just started the whole fucking shit show of shit... 

i asked him to hang out that weekend and he said he was busy when it was actually his birthday... and he didnt tell me... he ... sigh.... he let me fail... and i get it...

i get it i do i get it but ive never once in my life felt like a birthday was more important than 7 years of my life... i dont care for my bday... ... every year my friends remind me of their bday... my other highschool best girl friend always reminds me when we can hang out... its.. i just... i can never forgive him for that!!!

COME ON!!!! ATLEAST TELL ME IVE FORGOTTEN!!! AgAIN!!! YOUVE KNOWN ME FOR 7 YEARS AND NOT ONCE HAVE I REMEMBERED.... not once.... and maybe i couldve done better like put it in my phone... why doesnt anyone suggest things like that instead of waiting for someone else to fail...

and its like... fuck dude!!! he went off and was like “youre always telling me to brush my teeth and use deoderant and shower clean my room and to keep an eye on my spending” and im like DUDE!!!

YOU DONT FUCKING BRUSH YOUR TEETH IM SORRY AS YOUR BEST FRIEND IM TRYIGN TO HELP YOU REMEMBER HYGIENE... WHY DIDNT YOU SAY YOU HATE IT!!! HE HAS NEVER ONCE TOLD ME THAT!!!! i dont fucking want you to get bad teeth!! or to smell bad!! OR TO LIVE DIRTILY I CARE ABOUT YOU!!!! YOU SPENT EVERY FUCKING PAYHECK ON YOUR CAR ACCESSORIES YOU CANT TELL ME THATS GOOD SPENDING!!!

and i KNOW HE HAS ADHD!!! MY DUDE HAD BIG PROBLEMS WITH THIS STUFF AND WHEN I WAS AROUND I HELPED HIM REMEMBER.... and it wasnt fair why didnt he tell me like come on...

and like i know i know i know it was probably because his grandma died he exploded on me... but he never tried to make amends. 

i asked him i asked him my LAST MESSAGE TO HIM... was about how can i fix this problem and can i make it better... what can i do to help.

and nothing... no response. no messsage not even... and attempt to make it up with me....

it wasnt fair it wasnt. fair to me. he was my best friend for 7 years!! i told him everything i ever could my secrets my life... i cared so much about him!! and he wouldnt even GIVE ME THE BENEFIT OF TRYING TO MAKE AMMENDs....

i itried... i tried.......  i wanted to keep trying but he didnt even want to try!!!!

..... and im so fucking sad about it man... 

i couldnt even get the chance to tell him that i was dropping out of school, that i was going to restart everything about my life that week. i spent those first two weeks in school crying my fucking eyes out because i wanted to kill myself so badly. i couldnt even tell him. why i forgot his birthday. why i couldnt make a better effort to try to talk to him. and i just... he didnt even consider what i was going through at the time and it fucking kills me man. i didnt even BOTHER telling him because if he was going to blow up over me forgetting this... he wouldnt care what i was going through. it didnt matter............. and it fucking eats me alive.

...

i think about him alot. ... many things remind me of him every single day.

the fact that i work as a valet driver is one of them. 

zak loved cars. he absolutely LOVED cars and new how to take one apart and put them back together. he was always working on something with his car, whether it was upgrades or fixing it... he was so smart. and now i work with cars. every day. every single day i work with cars and i dirve cars that i know he would love to see or hear about. this is a job he would LOVE. and its a job i have that reminds me of him every single day. 

i wish i still had him, i could learn to drive a stick, i dont know how to drive a stick and never thought i would need to, zak knows how to and he wouldve helped me learn if we were still friends. but were not.

he drove a purple dodge challenger. every FUCKING TIME i see one like it. i think of him. every time. i think of him. in fact im afraid it is him...

he knows where i live and he has a gate key to get into our gated community. i do fear for my life the day he might just fucking show up and ill just... idk actually i think thats just me wishfully thinking he’ll put me in a situation where i can talk to him... but chances are i wont be there because ill be at work... also he wouldnt. he wouldnt show up.... its been a year already. 

he said happy birthday to me... on my birthday, January 8th... he had the audacity to say happy birthday to me, but not to... try to fix our relationship... and i want you to know that i wasnt going to fix it either like that. i said thank you and that was all and had a VERY good night... but why did he do that. just to. stick it to me. he didnt even say anything else...

and now... its... today............... and nothing no sign of him still and ... i knew it would happen... its over its over its over...

this is the defining end... i dont care if he says happy birthday to me .... its over...

... i am so sad

i messed up in way i could never fix and i wasnt even allowed to try to fix it.... it hurts so much to think about.

Imiss him and i will always miss him.

and thats the burden ill have to live with for the rest of my life.

[hyunnie-bunches]

Bloodsuckers IV

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Genre: Supernatural AU, angst?, fluff?

Pairing: Vampire!Baekhyun x Vampire!Reader

Word Count: 1497

I am sprawled on the couch, numbly consuming whatever reality show was playing on the TV. My skin felt too tight and there was an irritating sort of pain at the back of my throat, like an itch I couldn’t scratch. Hunger. They were all signs of hunger, Baekhyun had said. Noticing first my restlessness, and then my listlessness as the day progressed. But there was nothing to do. It was too risky to go find food in the broad daylight so we had no choice but to wait till dusk. It made Baekhyun even antsier than me to have to wait, and watching him fidget had only made me feel worse.

Now, as he walked out the door to the bedroom, my flick from the TV to meet his own. He has an empty duffle bag hanging from one of his shoulders and I can make out the shape of a gun tucked in his jeans.

“I’m heading out,” he says by way of explanation and doesn’t pause his walk to wait for a response.

“I’m coming with.” I am standing up before he has even moved a step. The too-fast movement leaves me wobbling on my feet, trying to regain my balance. Damn this too fast body.

Baekhyun eyes me skeptically and utters a single word before turning his back on me again.

“No.”

“Baekhyun!” I walk after him, careful not to go too fast. He pauses again, but he has a no-nonsense look on his face that makes me want to stop talking even before I have started. “I-“

He crosses his arms and quirks a brow. The implicit command is enough to have words spilling out of my mouth. “If you know who I am, who I was before-“ I correct, the life I had been living only a few weeks ago seeming like a distant memory. “then you know I can handle myself. I know Hapkido, Muay Thai, and Jiujitsu. And I spent over a year in Japan learning Tantojutsu-” 

“Explains your affinity for knives.” He says nonchalantly and I try not to let my mind wander to the event he is referring to.

“Look,” I say, “my point is, I can handle myself. And I need to be able to hunt on my own.”

He just turns around with a shake of his head. “The answer is still the same, Y/N.”

“Baekhyun-“ I grab his arm to force his turn back to me.

The next thing I know, my arm is twisted behind my back, one of Baekhyun’s hands gripping my jaw, exposing my throat to his bared teeth. The tips of his fangs poke against my skin, alerting me of their presence, reminding me how easy it would be for him to rip my throat out. Raw, primal fear claws its way up my body, but Baekhyun releases me from the compromising position in less than a second.

“As I said,” Baekhyun says, voice still cool and collected, “no.” But when I turn back to look at him, his eyes are glazed. “You’re not ready.” He blinks once and his eyes clear. 

Before he can turn his back on me again, I blurt, “I can’t stay in here forever.”

“Forever is a very long time. I’m sure you’ll leave eventually.”

“When?”

“When you’re ready.”

“Ready for what?” I snap and regret it instantly as Baekhyun’s eye blaze with fire.

“Ready to be surrounded with a thousand blood bags on feet and not lose control. Ready to look a human being in the eye when all you can hear is their pounding blood and not bite into them. Ready to stop acting like a petulant child,” he pauses for effect, “and think instead with your brain instead.”

His reprimand is enough to shut me up, and I can only watch as he storms out. His last order, “Stay,” barely audible over the slam of the door.

———————————————————————————————————

I stand there, looking at the door for a long time. I want to follow him, despite my bruised ego, but he told me to stay and my body would not budge despite my best efforts. Eventually, I return to the couch, which is where Baekhyun finds me when he returns half an hour later, body in tow.

I want to prove him wrong, want to display my self-control, but when he tosses the woman near me when I feel her still-warm skin touch my own…there is no conscious thought before my fangs are sinking into her neck. When I am done, I leave the body outside. I’ll burn it at dawn tomorrow. At least Baekhyun lets me do that now.

I walk back in to find Baekhyun waiting for me in the kitchenette. He had cleaned up while I fed, and his still-damp hair drips water onto the counter against which he leans.

“Y/N” I don’t want to look at him. I don’t want to talk. But my body betrays me yet again, and my eyes meet his. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you.”

The sincerity of his voice takes me by surprise and I can’t help but say, “I’m not a child.”

His shoulders slump. “I know. That was a shitty thing for me to say. I’m-“ But I raise my hand to stop him. “I’m not saying it to make you feel bad. I’m saying it because I can actually think like a rational human being, or well, non-human being.” No smile graces his lips and it’s enough for me to rush forward with the rest of my piece. All I have been thinking about since he left. “You don’t need to be all stoic and cryptic all the time.” He rubs a hand over his face and opens his mouth to speak. “I get it,” I continue before he can interrupt, “you feel responsible for me - all of that siring bullshit. And I know you don’t want to talk about anything from…before.” He stiffens at that but doesn’t interrupt. “But none of that means you can’t talk to me. I wouldn’t have acted like a petulant child if I knew why you didn’t want me to go with you. Stop treating me like I’m stupid, and you might just find out that I’m not.”

A heartbeat passes in silence and then another. Finally, Baekhyun says, “You’re right.”  He looks up at me from where he is staring at his shoes and repeats, “You’re right.” I feel my body relax. “No more talking down. I promise.”

I smile at him, and after a second, he gives me a small smile of his own. Taking that as about the biggest win I was going to get, I say, forcing my voice to be lighter than before, “Great. And you’re right about the self-control thing too.” I gesture at the spots of blood littering my clothes and body. “So how about we start small?” I pause to think.“How about we go to IKEA tomorrow?” I sense more than see Baekhyun tense up and rush to say, “Non-peak hours. And I promise I’ll feed beforehand so I’m not as hunger-crazed as I was today.” He still looks conflicted. “And that way, we can finally get a bed and you can stop pretending like you’re not sleeping in a mess of blankets on the bedroom floor?”

Now he shifts uncomfortably. “You knew about that?” I look at him incredulously. “How stupid exactly do you think I am? There is one bedroom. I ripped the bed apart. Where did you think you were implying you were sleeping?”

“I don’t know.” He grumbles, but his voice is lighter too. “Maybe you thought vampire hang from roofs like bats.”

“I’m a vampire too! And I wish we were cool enough to be able to hang upside down and sleep.”

“Have you ever tried it?” His tone is serious, but mischief glints in his eyes.

“Have you?”

“I’m just saying, I’ve been alive a long time, Y/N, there’s a whole slew of wild vampire trends that I’ve seen firsthand.”

“Including hanging from the roof to sleep?” He shrugs. “The mere logistics of that…”

“…are better left forgotten. Let’s just say it wasn’t the most flattering process ever to get your whole body inverted.”

My lips round into an “Oh” and then curl to match Baekhyun’s now genuine smile. For a few moments, we stay there like that.

Then my idiot mouth opens to ruin the moment. “So is that a yes for tomorrow?” I can’t keep the hope out of my voice. 

Like a switch turning off, Baekhyun’s smile disappears and he sighs. I chew on my lip as I wait for his answer. Finally, he says, “Fine.”

Instantly, I am beaming at him. “BUT-“ he continues, “We are taking extra precautions. Blood bags, and we will sit in the parking lot until there are fewer than 10 people inside, and…” He keeps talking and then moves on to preparing, but my smile stays intact throughout it all.

[the-feel-s]

2020 isolation diaries

2020 has been the wildest trip of my life so far. I’m honestly shocked this is my first post of the new year and were in May. But it feels like its just the beginning...

I started the year in vegas with my best friends, having the funnest time of my life. I was doing whatever I wanted, and had the best high day recovery that made me love weed all over again lol. I also noticed I was putting myself out there more than ever by going over to our guy friends house after vegas that Im not the closest with but just doing that make me closer than ever with this group of amazing people. 

I made a pact to myself that I would stop being so invested in the relationship I had with you know who, but that didn't last long when i started to finally get the physical part i wanted from the relationship. but getting that wish opened my eyes even more that it was toxic. I dont blame myself or him i just think we were two broken people who needed to learn lessons about love and ourselves.

Crssd -  the last festival in history for awhile. me and my soulmate were brought back into eachothers lives and alot of things started to make yet again more sense to me. I realized how reliant i can get with my friendships/relationships and thats what was breaking me so far apart from this separation we were going through. I really worked on myself to become my own best friend first. and then we reunited along with my other best friends i hadnt seen since graduating college. it was a perfect weekend that I wouldnt change for the world.

Things really changed for everyone when the infamous corona virus shut down our world as we knew it. I feel like from the beginning i had a really positive outlook on it. It helped me realize my blessings even more...having a super fun job i could work from home doing, living in a big cute house with two amazing roomates, and having friends around me to talk to. 

I then went to a Psychic the day before I was leaving to quarantine with my family. Pheobe was her name and she really helped finalize my thoughts on my love life i was trying to build up for the past 2 years. Its done its over. She also said i didnt have to go to CA. but the rebel i am ... i didnt take that piece of advice.

I’m beyond blessed to have gotten a safe flight back to my childhood home where i didnt realize i would spent the next few months learning more about myself and my family then ever. getting laid off my first real person job was a blow at first until i remembered how much i thrive off freedom. I learned to love myself so so much. I love creating, I love music, I love my friends, I love my family, I love how I know in my heart I can do anything I want to do. 

So this brings me to now. I know I’m moving to LA in the fall. I know Friends & Disco is my passion project. I know I am so much closer to the person ive always dreamed of becoming, I know im spiritual and that what i have to say matters alot and is interesting. 

I am so excited to have an amazing freedom filled summer, yet with more self discipline then ever. I am so excited to move to LA, I am so excited for future love in my life that i deserve! 2020 your wild but like ive never needed this drastic of a change so much in my life. 

xx