#it feels so weird when something online suddenly happens in real life

[garlicbreadinmyhead]

when you get complemented by a person with pink hair and a classic hat for your oppenheimer suit outfit at the cinema, on your way to watch oppenheimer…you know everything went right

[yourcutelittlegayfriend]

TRANSFORMERS ONE X READER

Old Title was "Three Birds on a Wire" then got change for general (just letting you guys know)

Not really a fic I'm planning to do anytime soon but it's something that was cooking in my head after the 5th(?) time I've watch Transformers one and I just need to put it somewhere before I lose my mind.

Warnings: few headcannons, angst, Out of Characters moments, Panic attack, mentions of death, torture and familial loss, Bad English/Typos (We die like real AutoBots), sudden change of POV from 3rd to You (Watch out when the sentences either says You or Me/I).

Note: Long ass fic, Implied Reader is a Cybertronian Femme Bot, There's few weird plot holes but Reader is born from a Carrier while some are born from Forging (Transformers lore is fucking up my brain and it shows) and some dialogue might not be accurate since I'm writing this in like 1-2am and lots of cuts basing on the movie.

Pairings: (Main) D-16/Megatron x Reader, (Slight possibly maybe) Orion Pax/Optimus Prime x Reader, (Mentions) Megatronus Prime x Solus Prime and (Jokingly put for plot but like only a pinch) Sentinel Prime x Reader

--

From the Beginning it was always the three of you together, D-16 the stick to protocol one but always finds himself yielding to the shenanigans of Orion Pax, who was the more taking risk bot and the one who always makes trouble and get to be scolded by You, you who was the one looking out for the two bot everyday and takes care of them when the two of them both get caught together.

Everyday in the mines was tiresome and Dangerous frequently taking life or cause more harm to the miners from unstable minings, Cogless bots who were told to be the lifeline of the city and where the only point of being online was to provide energon everyday.

But it was tolerable when you're with the two, especially with your sparkmate D-16 who tries his best to make you happy everday, Giving you compliments and find you valuable scraps to use for things you build after you confess to seeing Solus Prime as your idol and D-16 who admires Megatronus can't help but feel like it was fate that you two love the primes who has the closes relationship together.

You and Orion Pax has the same spark to learn about different knowledge and discoveries which in turn gives you a chance to invent/build stuff and using Orion as your personal test dummy and Orion who just let's it happened as long as you help him get to the archives and not get more scoldings from D-16 since your the only one who could really stop him.

Life was simple, repetitive but happy nonetheless until-

----[0]----

"Second Place isn't that bad-" D-16 reasoned before getting cut off by racing bot who drove/flew by.

Laying on the track I laugh when it happened as I hold my leg that was almost ripped from my socket when we roughly landed.

Now sitting on Medbay after Ratchet took care of our injuries I sat in between the two as they bicker to one another making me shake my head.

"Ok that's enough-" but before I can push D away from Orion a tall black painted femme bot appeared from the open MedDoors and scanned us.

Soon as she scanned us Sentinel Prime appeared shocking us, He called the two bots before noticing me who was still struggling from standing since my leg was newly wielded.

"Please my dear don't strain yourself hahaha" Sentinel said before suddenly holding my arms and gently sat me back to the chair, I can feel D-16 stare so I looked at him and laid a servo on his arm as he side-eye the prime before nodding and sit back a little closer to me.

----[1]----

After getting forcefully sent by Darkwing to the lower levels and meeting B-127, a sweet bot who was probably a little younger than us is helping us get to the surface after finding the distressed signal.

Getting to the train was easy but with Elita-1 discovering us became a little more harder than we thought.

Arriving at the surface we admired the beautiful sceneries with the terrain simingly terraforming on it's own that is until one behind us burst the train and throw us off.

D-16 quickly grab me and the two of us hold to one another as we crash in the ground, a few moments he woke me up and help me stand as we perfectly timed seeing Orion getting Right hooked by Elita-1

----[2]----

Arriving at the cave we saw the offline bodies of the primes laying around with this organic stuff covering them showing how long they have been here......waiting.

Finding Alpha Trion and putting him online as he told us the truth was the most spark breaking thing you have ever felt in your life.

"He......he took our cogs?....w-why? I-i....what about the once born from Carriers?! surely he-.....he wouldn't right?". I asked the old prime who just looked at me with sadness.

"N-no......so all this time.....I thought my carrier......I thought she left me....i-i..." I turn away and kneel to a boulder shaking in sorrow now knowing how cruel Sentinel really was, Killing Carriers with new sparklings for their T-cogs.

D-16 wasn't really doing well either all our life and for the 50 cycles of Cybertron and Iacoon City living under a lie of a fake prime.

I was shaking and almost to a point of breaking down, realiving all the loss we have endure and the miners I have to painstakingly tried to save or build scrap prosthetics to the servos, arms, legs or pedels they loss in mining, all were sacrificed for nothing.

The rest were fighting until D-16 heard be gasping for pain as they look and see me holding my chasis as I try to breath through my vents.

My sparkmate quickly race to me and tried to calm me down as he holds my servos and leaned his helm on mine.

"All!......all this time!... all those energons!....everyone!...FOR 50 CYCLES!!-" I screamed and gasp as D-16 shush me and whispered as his optics shining a more orange hue looks into mine.

"He'll pay for what he did to us, to me and to you" He harshly spat as he laid a servo on my cheek as he tilts his helm as I nod.

He helps me stand up as we look to Alpha Tron and received the T-cogs of the older primes, coincidentally I received Solus Prime's T-cog.

As we all upgraded and slightly got bigger, I hear a gasp and turn to see D and Orion looking at me.

"W-what? do I look bad?". I asked as I tried to look at my new form.

"No! you uh look-" Orion tried to say but D beat him to it.

"You....you look just like her.....Solus Prime that is". D looked at me with those optics that I knew so much it's colors slightly lighting from it's orange tinged to yellow before going back.

----[3]----

Running away and trying out our T-cogs me and the rest tried to find away to get back to the city when we got caught and held in a High Guards hidden HQ.

Orion tried to get them on ourside but D was pulling me away to leave as I feel his annoyance and anger through our bond.

"D- wait let's-". but D snap when the guards stop him and he turns back to StarScream and tried to fight him.

It happened too fast and the next thing I know was D aiming a cannon to StarScream who was begging for mercy.

He turned to the rest and pledge his revenge to Sentinel and I stare at him as I hear the muffled chant of the High Guards around me as he stand in front of me before holding my cheeks with both of his servos as he looks into my optics as I see his finally becoming orange.

"Follow me, and I promise you all the pain and suffering you have endured..... I'll avenge you for it as long as you stay with me" There it is, the last part of rite to be conjuxes that I've been waiting to hear from him ever since we become sparkmates, the very last one I imagine where we'll be alone and spending another romantic moment and not surrounded by screaming bots as I see his angry yet desperate face.

I close my eyes before trying not to cry before reaching out and lean close to him, our lips almost touching when an explosion erupted from the roof as D quickly hide me behind his back as he prepared to take fire.

----[4]----

Waking up from my unconscious state I opened my optics and get blinded by brightlights as I turn and see my arms and legs are bound on a metal table.

I look and see Arachnid and Sentinel stand near a panel as they watch me struggle from my binds.

"It's no use in trying to escape my dear". He said as he walks closer and stood beside the table and reach out a servo to my face.

"Look at this, seems you and your little friends got a little upgrade" He smirks as I tried to tear away my face from his hold.

"Tell me how does it feel? to be better and stronger than your old look? feels great doesn't it?" He laughs before shaking my head from side to side.

"Now tell me- where's the rest of your little friends".

----[4]----

As Sentinel arrives to taunt D-16 he tells them about what's going to happen when D-16 stand up to him.

"I got nothing left to lose" He said as he glares at the false prime.

"Oh I sure did- bring her in". Sentinel said to Arachnid who nods and a bunch of bots entered and tossed something at Sentinel's pedels.

"Look at what you made me do to her" He whispered as he kicks you right in the stomach making you scream in pain.

D-16 looked horrified at the state you're in, the new paint from your new form slightly chared and a few sparks flew from your joints and optics as you groan in pain.

Sentinel only looks at him with this sadistic look before noticing the sticker Orion gave him and put on his shoulder.

"Ah Megatronus Prime-" He said before punching D down the ground.

"of course you're a fan, Megatronus is the Coolest bot, Biggest, Baddest and Toughest-". He says before leaning down to smirk down at us.

"That's why after I killed him-" then opened his chasis to show us the red T-cog of Megatronus slotted inside.

"I took it for myself". He said before turning to me.

"He was greater than you'll ever be!". D roars as he watches Sentinel drop a knee closer to me.

"Now that I think about it, It's unny how fate works huh- me having Megatronus T-cog while your little sparkmate has Solus? it was like were meant to be!". He laughs when D trashes and tries to stand up.

"Maybe this cover up story wouldn't be so bad, The traitor's sparkmate running to my arms after she finds out your little plan, and I- Sentinel promise to protect her from the derange traitorous little miner". He laughs before grabbing a hold of my head to forcefully make me nod.

He chuckles before harshly turning my head to look at D who stared back at me with worry.

Sentinel then stands back and rip off the sticker from him and inspect it.

"I'm pretty great myself but I can understand why you wanna wear his face over mine, Here-". He puts the sticker back now on D's chasis.

"Let's make sure it doesn't come off". He grins before Arachnid hands him a laser cutter and proceeds to carve a crude drawing of Megatronus symbols.

I tried to stop Sentinel but Arachnid held me down as I scream for D, feeling his pain too

----[5]----

Optimus arrived by bursting through the window with a train alongside Elita and the rest of the High Guards.

I groan before helping D up and check his chasis that has the still cooling down mark.

"Oh D.....I-i...... I'm sorry". I said as I gently tried to caress it trying to ease his pain.

D only frown and hold my servos before roughly turning me and force me to sit down on the side.

"Stay. Here". D growled before backing away as he looks at the state I'm in with anger and disappointment - to himself or me?-

He shoves off Orion who tried to stir him away from fighting off Sentinel, Orion sighs before seeing me on the side still in pain from what Arachnid and Sentinel did to me after our capture.

"_! Are you alright!". Orion panicked and kneel to me as he checks all my injuries.

"No!.... I'm fine O-orion.. please go and get Arachnid..... She's the only bot that has been around Sentinel.....use her memory and broadcast it out to Iacoon......". Orion looked at me with wide eyes.

"Wait that's-!". He said before I chuckle and cough from the pain.

"Smart? I know......been smarter than you since day one Pax". I smiled as Orion laid a servo on my shoulder pads.

"And you will always be......Friend". Orion said his optics looking sad and his voice sorrowful when he called me his friend.

"Go! I'll stay here with D! Go!". I pushed him away as I stand up and limp to find D, Orion nods before running away with B-127, who after excitedly showed me his knife hands.

----[5]----

Everyone now knew what Sentinel did to us as I watch the repeated broadcast on the holograms and screen shown around the city.

I sigh in relief as I turn to D and tried to reach for him, He looked at me but his eyes has other plans.

"NO! D! DON'T!". I screamed as he tackled Sentinel through the glass and fall through the ledge as I limp and jump after them.

Roughly landing on the platform of where the golded carvings of the 13 primes stand, I painfully watch D rages and tries to kill off Sentinel.

I watch as he aims to blast Sentinel until Orion jump the last second to take the devastating hit.

I screamed as me and D look at him in fear as I see the whole part of his left chasis and arm get blasted to nothing.

I tried to crawl toward the edge where D was holding Orion who fell but I could only look with my sparkbreaking again when D stood back up without Orion.

"No.........". I whispered as I lean my helm down as I covered my mouth to silence my cries.

I force myself to watch my sparkmate, who was kind, calm and sweet become someone that I don't recognize anymore.

Watching him become someone else, watching him become Megatron.

I kneel on the ground as everything around me distorts and get muffled as I hear thudding of heavy pedels towards me.

Looking up I see Megatron, not my sweet D-16 kneels to me and reaches for my cheek.

I should have flinch, I should have tried to move away from him, I should have leave him but.....

I couldn't stop myself from hating him, I couldn't help myself but close my eyes and lean to his palms.

"Stay with me" He says as he moves closer and leans close to me.

I look into his optics now having a deep and angry red and yet still holding an adoring emotion swirling inside, only for me.

"Remember the day we became sparkmates?". I asked him as he keep looking at me not saying anything to stop me.

"I said I'll always stay and love you now matter what.....for better or worse, that was the day I started the rite for us to be Conjuxes.......". I said before holding his face and nod.

D- Megatron smiles, deep inside was my dear D-16 as he held me close as I lean on his shoulder before looking up when I see a blinding blue light flying up in the air.

----[6]----

Looking at Megatron who limps pass now Optimus Prime, He glared at his old friend in anger before turning to me.

"_, It's your choice to follow Megatron but know that you will always be welcome back here with us" Ori- Optimus said as he looks at me with sorrow, I look at him in sadness before saying.

"I'm sorry.....Or- Optimus...for everything". I turn away before reaching for Megatron and putting his arm over my shoulders as I help him to the tracks as he shouts for the High guards and he transformers along side with me as I follow them to back to the surface.

----[Notes]----

I ain't finishing this btw, it's all I got and my writing juices are spent hahaha so sorry my fanfiction days are way too over and I just 'go, random bullshit go!' my ass haha.

[bigboysfalldeep]

There I was—a loner, sitting inside a crowded lounge, looking at the ring laying in the palm of my hand.

"It's just not going to work." I told myself over and over again, but I had nothing to lose.

I bought it weeks prior from a weird yet friendly stranger—a middle-aged dude looking quite sharp, but something about him was off. He contacted me after I went down the hypnosis rabbit hole. I read multiple articles and posts and watched so many different videos about how to hypnotize someone, willing or not. I even left a comment under one post, even though I was anxious. I was new to this—all of this—and I didn't want anyone to look at me differently.

I always dreamt of hypnotizing a handsome jock to make him my own, but this wasn't happening in real life, was it? That's exactly what I thought when that man reached out to me, offering me this ring. A beautiful silver ring with a blue stone—alluring yet nothing too special.

He told me that this would help me make my wish come true; the only thing he asked for was for me to share some of my future "acquaintances."

I shook my head in disbelief. I was so stupid to trust in this man and his sly smile. He was probably enjoying my hundred bugs while I was blinded by my fantasies.

I put the ring in my pocket and got up from my table. There was no point in staying here any longer; I wanted to go home.

But that's when I saw this handsome man sitting at a table, all alone. He was smoking a cigar and blew a ton of smoke into the air all around him while leaning back against the sofa. His eyes wandered through the room; he seemed to enjoy the attention he was getting from a few people around the lounge, including me.

He looked so good—a well-groomed beard, nice hair, a very hot body—everything I dreamt of. That man had that look on his face: he knew how good he looked, and he was bathing in attention—mine at least.

Something deep inside me wanted this man so badly. I immediately imagined him being mine and mine alone—how good it would feel to touch him, toy with him, and just own him. Good god, I felt myself getting lost inside this daydream.

At this point, I felt the ring inside my pocket. I pulled it out again, looking at it with desire and anxiety. Would this actually work? Or was I in for a beating?

"Fuck it." I breathed and let the silver slide onto my finger. Oddly enough, it fit quite well, but I wasn't feeling any different. I hoped it would feel different, special, or something else. This wasn't encouraging at all.

Shaking my head again, I made my way through the crowd toward that beautiful stranger. He didn't even look at me until I sat down right next to him, causing him to turn his head, giving me a curious but suspicious look.

"Can I help you?" That guy looked at me; I felt his gaze burning my skin, even though I wasn't looking at him yet. I knew he saw me for what I was: a loner, maybe a random creep, but I didn't care.

I placed a finger at the ring and moved it, causing the crystal to move along my finger.

"I hope so." I said, my voice breaking slightly when I turned my head to meet his gaze. Fuck, he was even better looking up close. His lips, eyes, and beard are perfection.

The guy narrowed his eyes at me, and I felt the tension rising between us.

A little taken aback, he regained his composure. "Oh fuck, he was going to clock me," I thought. But the guy online told me to do exactly that—make the ring spin a few times.

"I don't know who you are, but you better..." The guy suddenly stopped, his eyes now stuck at the slightly glowing ring.

I was prepared to just make a run for it when I noticed that he was focused on the ring. His expression softened slowly; the scowl vanished completely, replaced by an empty look in his eyes.

Oh, those beautiful eyes—they lost their shimmer, just barely, but I could tell something was happening deep inside that gorgeous head.

As I kept spinning the ring, he tilted his head, and his expression softened even more. He looked at me with uncertainty, like asking for help. Both of us didn't know what was happening.

"Who?" He said it, with his voice sounding a little deeper than before. I looked him in the eyes before he broke eye contact.

The guy placed a hand on his chest, looking into the distance. He wasn't looking at anything in particular, and his face turned blank.

I was shocked yet aroused. He had a similar expression to all those handsome studs online when they went under, and I felt the ring heating up against my skin. It didn't hurt, but it was kind of unpleasant.

He took several deep breaths until he closed his eyes, leaning back against the sofa again.

"Are you okay?" I said, unsure of what was exactly happening to him, because it couldn't be caused by the ring, could it?

Carefully, I placed a hand on these thick thighs, but he didn't react at first; instead, he slowly opened his eyes after a few seconds, looking at me with vacant eyes and his mouth hanging open.

He looked soft and submissive, and I had to control myself not to let out a moan right here and then.

This was the exact expression I was seeing online in all those videos and pictures, but was he just messing with me? He and the other guy must be toying with me. This can't be real.

I contemplated just leaving, but something deep inside me told me to stop. The guy kept looking at me, waiting for something—perhaps orders.

My eyes shifted across his face and upper body as he wasn't moving an inch. That's when I noticed the cigar in his other hand.

"Do you mind?" I motioned for the cigar, and without any hesitation, he gave it to me and watched me as I started smoking.

I felt the hot smoke fill my lungs, and I just tested my luck. I blew smoke right into the guy's face, but, unbothered, he kept looking at me.

This made me cry right away. Fuck, he was so hot. I started to stroke his thighs gently, and he started to growl contently, even closing his eyes for a second.

If this was a joke, I admired his commitment. But what if it was real?

I looked at the still-shimmering ring and then back to the stud. He was breathing deeply, and I loved seeing his chest heave with every breath he took. I licked my lips while stroking his thighs.

"What's your name?" I asked him as I moved a little closer before putting the cigar into the ashtray.

"M..Matt." His now-rough voice barely came out as he struggled to think. He really was a mindless toy, just responding to me.

"I want to go home, Matt. Do you want to come?" I asked him, my voice breaking once more. I expected him to deny my request, but to my surprise, he just nodded.

I blinked a few times; I couldn't believe my luck. Was that ring actually working?

"Let's go then." I motioned toward the door and started to get up from the sofa.

He was a bit unsteady on his feet and needed my help to regain his composure again, but then he followed me closely. A few people watched us, but I don't care what they might have thought. I was going home with that little, empty jock boy.

Everything happened so fast, and I found myself on the road, with that beautiful specimen sitting beside me, watching me closely.

I felt my cock tent hard inside my jeans; I was surely already leaking just looking at this man. At every stop, every red light, I turned my head to find him looking at me: his eyes slightly unfocused, that muscly man with an empty mind.

I was still in disbelief—that ring—was it really the source of all this? Maybe, but that was something to figure out later.

Just then, the guy started to growl again, and when I turned my head, I found him stroking his own dick through his jeans. So fucking hot.

I felt the ring heating up around my finger—was it reading my mind? Hearing soft growls and moans, I couldn't help it. Instinctively, I stroked myself as well, just like all the times watching videos online.

A warm glow engulfed my stomach as he kept stroking himself while looking at me. I knew I couldn't wait any longer.

I took a turn toward the first empty parking lot, stopped the car, and tried to steady my breath. The car was filled with Matt's deep voice, growling and breathing deeply.

I bit my lower lip, and watching that stud get more and more into it made me harder than ever before. Subconsciously, I reached out and placed a hand on his chest. Right away, he moaned deeply.

His chest felt so good; all the hours he spent hitting the gym paid off as all of his muscles tensed hard against the fabric of his thin shirt. Just touching him made me nearly lose it.

Matt leaned his head back and closed his eyes for a few moments before staring into the distance again. He struggled to keep the door open, like a sleepy, horny jock boy. At the same time, he kept touching himself firmer and firmer.

My body was shaking, my dick was pulsating inside my jeans, and my breathing got even quicker. I hold back a giggle while intensifying my strokes. I observed how firm his pecs were and how they imprinted through his clothes as his entire body bulged more and more.

"Fuck." I moaned, playing with his hard nipple, when he suddenly turned his head toward me, smiling derpily. He was enjoying this just as much as I was.

"Let me see." I held back another long moan before I pulled his shirt up, taking a long, good look at his bare chest. Oh, fuck, was he hot? He was hairy as well, just the way I liked it. I ran a hand along his entire chest, through his pecs, and down to his treasure trail, and Matt was grunting under his breath like a puppy.

As I stroked him again and again, he smiled at me, completely unbothered. His skin felt so good, soft yet firm, and all of him reacted to the most gentle touch. His breathing quickened slightly, and Matt swallowed hard a few times.

He just purred happily and smiled, while my hand ran over his entire chest over and over again. His body was telling me about his excitement. His muscles grew harder, veins got more visible due to the tesnion building up inside him, and most importantly, his dick was standing at attention.

With one final stroke, I let my hand run down right to his crotch, and when I felt him for the first time, he left the tip of my cock. I tried to hold it back, but I just couldn't. I grabbed myself, trying to stop, but it just felt too good. Matt was still smiling with that lovely empty expression, and I felt that ring heating up once more. It didn't bother me; I was too busy fondling my new toy.

I tried to focus, but I could see my own cock move inside my pants. Turning away, I looked at the guy again, who was now drooling while moaning contently. In response, I groaned loudly, and my back bent away from the seat—my body held in so much pressure, and feeling this guy's massive cock made it much worse.

"Fuck." I growled deeply, and that's when Matt reached out to me. At first, I thought he snapped out of it or the spell was broken, but instead, he grabbed my hard cock as well and started to fondle with it, making it much harder to not cum already.

The ring was now burning my skin again, but that pain was nothing compared to the pure pleasure running through my veins.

Together, we unbuttoned my jeans, exposing my wet boxers, but he didn't hesitate. He tugged at my underwear—so eager, yet his expression was emotional. Still, it felt so good to be touched by him—his warm hands, his gentle touch—so good.

With a little help, he pulled my boxers down—the tip of my dick was clinging on to the wet fabric, fuck.

I looked at him again, and he was looking at me. I placed a hand on his cheek and stroked him; his skin was so soft, his beard well taken care of, and his lips were a dream come true. My hand ran through his hair as he kept purring.

Firmly, I grabbed his neck and pulled him closer, smelling him for the very first time. His cologne was thick, yet the smell of sweat was coming through more and more.

My eyes rolled back quickly before I regained my composure. He kept looking at me while I pushed him down, but, like a well-trained boy, Matt opened his mouth, swallowing my hard cock whole.

I could have cried out right then, but it was just the beginning.

That guy knew his way around a man's cock, using his tongue while sucking me off. Rhythmically, he moved his mouth while I encouraged him to go even deeper.

I never had this before: a hot guy willingly—more or less—sucking my cock. It was a sight to behold. It made my entire body heat up quickly, as I was edging myself on already.

I didn't know if I pushed too hard when he gagged, but it was alright. He steadied himself against my thighs while I leaned back contently.

Watching this handsome fella made me feel so good that I ran a hand through his nicely done hair. He really made sure to groom himself. Everything sat perfectly; that's why I wanted him so much.

"Thats alright. Good boy." I said—I loved when they said that in the videos.

And he reacted even better than expected: he groaned happily and his body shuddered. Such a good boy.

That's when I reached my limits. I pushed him further down as I shot my first load, then another, and another. I wanted him to take it all, and as expected, he didn't fight back.

As I was running dry, I released him, and he slowly, swaying back and forth, resumed his position.

He licked his lips; his eyes were foggy and unfocused, but his body was so excited.

"Good boy." I stroked his chest a few times and patted him. He smiled and leaned back as well.

For a second, I just sat there, thinking. "I should take him home." I thought so, but at first, I wanted to have some fun.

I encompassed his firm upper body again before I unbuttoned his jeans as well. His dick was tenting visibly, and I wanted to see it.

I pulled his enormous wet cock out of his underwear. I assumed he had a big dick, but it was even better than expected.

I moved my hand up and down his shaft, and he purred again while looking at me. 

Drooling heavily, he stained his clothes already, but it wouldn't stop.

"Let's get home, body." I stroked him again before I turned the key, and the engine roared to life.

On my way back home, I used every opportunity to fondle with his stick—he even leaked again, much to my amusement.

He watched me the whole time, smiling derpily and drooling. I knew he liked it.

From time to time, Matt let out several long groans, his body shifting slightly. I knew he wanted to cum so badly, but something was holding him back.

Back at home, still inside the car, I turned and found him looking at me pleadingly, and my breath quickened again. One of his hands was resting on his thighs, and the other was firmly stroking his meat.

"Fuck." I moaned looking at this man, craving my touch so much. So I wrapped my hand around his massive cock and moved it rhythmically.

Matt whimpered, and he let out a few moans of pleasure. He was so close already that he shot one massive load, spreading his cum all over his clothes.

At this time, his eyes rolled back, and an even wider smile spread across his lips.

That was when I came into my pants again—it just looked so hot. Matt was mine now; I owned him.

I looked at the ring, still shimmering, and took several deep breaths. Then I remembered what the guy online told me to share.

I got Matt dressed back up and wanted to take a picture. But I had a better idea.

I lifted my boy's shirt back up and snatched a picture. I never felt better in my entire life.

I wonder what the guy's going to say to Matt.

[the-defendery-189]

ASTROLOGY OBSERVATIONS #1

Venus & Neptune square and aspects in general, especially negative ones - lazy, creative, and inspirational, yet so delusional and preferring their fantasies to the relatity in their relationships and often not even realise they're doing that.

Capricorn and Virgo and Aquarius suns are imo the ones to hate astrology the most, like once they learn there are also bad things about their signs, wow!!!, they immediately hate it and GOOOD, astrology is so TERRIBLE and UNREAL and FAKE... 🙄🙄🙄

Scorpio suns are very hypocritical. Once they say some things but when it's suddenly against them, you're just making it up, it never happened! Also gaslight people and are just generally very proud and irrational when hurt a lot. Blame others a lot. Get all defensive and icky when people actually try to accuse them of something they have done.

Geminis can use fake tears to make you pity them and then act like it's all your fault, anyways.

Also sags use their feelings to try to gaslight people and make them feel sad for them and excuse themselves when they just don't care about them anymore, and just make them seem like it's all the other persons fault, when they'll still go like "its not you, it's me" in the end.

Cancer suns are very quirky in a kind of disgusting way, personally I get very annoyed by them and they still think I think they're oh so cute.

Also cancer men are very manipulative and might want to seem like the prince charming and saviour of all the women. Often matriarchal and want women to have all the power. Also submissive to them in sex and generally want women to be the dominant ones in a relationship. Often grew up in a home without a father, who left them as a child, their mother ruling the household. Might be the youngest sibling. Bullied in school and bullying others, hiding behind the "but I'm a soft boy uwu 😩😣💖💖💖🫀🫀🫀❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥💔💔💔👈👈👈" excuse and trauma that have happened to them. Either metalheads or soft boys uwu discord kittens. Often joke about furries and cringe weird communities and their obsessions. Very chronically online and may have grew up as a YouTube creepy pasta or smth else child.

Also Cancer men - Will pretend to listen to a girl because they know this is what they want --- because of that mother relationship they grew up with. But seriously just not give a fuck for real in their heads, they just know how to be smart and manipulate women. Don't feel comfortable around men BCS of their too-much-comfortable being they happen to switch on when are with women. Often put on a mask in front of men and pretend to be someone who they aren't. Men might think they're cool then, which j really don't understand. Like what???

Also cancer men and women - mommy issues, if it wasn't obvious. Can be very backstabbing and distrustful and think of themselves as mega hot and the best. Often boring texters and talkers. Rant a lot and talk about their hyperfixations and how the world is cruel and shit towards them, but really sometimes you can't help but wonder if they don't deserve it.

Saturn in 7th - Abusive relationships, getting married later in life, husband/wife popular and maybe rich, so if they abuse you, nobody might believe you and everybody will be on their side because they might be just more charismstic than you.

My parents both have this placement and it is HELL.

Lilith in 10th, 1th - Women envy you, hate you and sabotage you, men think you're too dark and edgy for them. People thinking you think you're better then them, this hating you. Being too charismatic for your own good.

Leo Venus - again, as it is with the Saturn in 7th. Could be more popular and overall likeable so if they do terrible things to you, nobody will believe you. Might just be nobody believing me cuz of crazy people around me tho.

Neptune in 1st - people might find you very attractive and ethereal, but also project on you A LOT. Meaning connections and relationships with you are just really difficult to even happen BCS people are always so judging and mean towards you.

Chiron in 1st - Body image issues, partners might abuse you and body shame you, people thinking less of you and in childhood parents often telling you you look ugly. I'm sorry people, I have this placement too tho so its not like I'm shaming you too, just I can feel your pain.

Scorpio ascendant - Too assertive and proud of your uniqueness and too opinionated for your own good. You guys are so clear with your speaking and always speak your mind and aren't fearful to express yourself how you feel and how your think and are always so like colorful with the things you say if you know what I mean. People will despise you for that and try to shut you up. And as somebody who did this to my scorp rising friend before subconsciously,,, yep. It happens even from your trusted friends.

If your moon is in the same sign as your friends/anyone's ascendant... You might feel instantly understood by them. Like I have this with my friend and it's an absolutely great and fantastic relationship, I love her. She absolutely understands me and gets me on a spiritual level - maybe caused by the fact that we have this with Scorpio - like no one else. It's a great relationship, savour this.

If you have a moon sign same as somebody's sun sign, you might enjoy their cooking.

If you have a sun sign same as somebody else's rising, you might try to be more like them and adore them for no reason.

[kalims]

Oh my goddess, orders are open! Ahem, ANYWAYS— I wonder if I could have an Idia with a fem or gn s/o who is introverted and generally closed-faced, being a sweetheart and even shy with him, pretty please?

• Remember to drink water and take care of yourself correctly, kisses <3

– Mel 🌙🩵✨

dress,

premise.

idia forever thought his cause of death would be the permanent termination of his end game account—which in theory, is now proven wrong at the existence of a brand new thing that just might obliterate his heart.

note. thank you mel <3 you too. i, for one will gladly accept kisses from u and idia (he's downbad here LOL)

idia is having a strangely, familiar sensation.

for example—the fact that his heart is palpitating so fast is making him afraid that he'll get the same sense of doom he frequently gets whenever this happens. like when he's the one that the professor chooses to answer a question up front. just his luck cause it absolutely sucks in real life just as much as his chances of winning that rare character.

but no, there isn't an impending sense of doom that sends him to the edge. no cold sweat forming on the skin of his neck, nor does it protrude from his clammy hands. it's weird, he feels warm rather than the cold it usually accompanies.

he needs to visit a doctor.

he gulps thickly. sending a lightning fast glance at your direction then averting it even faster. oh my god, your hand just brushed against his.. was it intentional? no, no—it mustn't be. you wouldn't waste your time doing that.

but you might even look more tenser than he is.

despite the attempt at flushing down the tightness in his throat, his words still break off into a croaky stammer that just sends his face into a grimace because, did he sound like that? "I'm.. I'm really sorry, you didn't have to do this," he says, looking away with those eyes that just screams a mixture of 'I hate it all.' and 'I'm so scared.'

his eyes in comparison to yours, dull significantly in terms of greatness. cause as rare as it is for your eyes to meet, he'll always marvel at the lush hue your eyes are colored with—and god, your lashes. so pretty, so, so pretty.

he sulks. he doesn't deserve this.

"it's alright," you answer in response, voice quiet but it's the only thing he ever hears despite the myriad of people quite nearly squishing the both of you. the crowd is large, and noisy. so he isn't sure why he's suddenly the greatest listener when you speak. "I'm glad you thought of... inviting me along, I know you're quite passionate about it."

passionate is not a strong enough word, it could be an incorrect word to use even. he supposes it's just a nice feeling to excel—be good at something.

but with how hot his heart is probably burning, maybe passionate really is the right word.

for you that is.

most likely idia's ideal type of player two <3 someone he can keep up with, not too fast and certainly not too slow. but either way, he’s probably having a heart attack at whatever you do. literally just sleeping? his heart… playing with him? please match avatars at once or he will combust. (and yes, he is hinting even though you already match everywhere else. had a house in a game, got married in a game.)

don’t even pull out the fact he buys you the currency to match and you feel bad cause he thinks it’s too cute. you need to stop or else he will buy you more.

speaking of more in game terms, he surprisingly garners a lot of attention online maybe because he’s endgame in every single account he’s made and many people like money so… there are many attempts at ‘rizzing’ him up but in the end he’s provoking them to screenshot it and report them as online daters.

^ says THE online dater.

still reports people if they flirt with you, but compared to his. not only is it a file for online dating he somehow dug up the dirt, the monstrous things they did like… 3 years ago and now they’re gonna get suspended. It’s concerning since he was talking with you animatedly during it and he somehow also exposed them all in 10 minutes.

did the see you again trend in secrecy cause he would rather leap down a hole to hell than let people see it. In any case… if it isn’t obvious he’s the lala, you the okok.

deluded himself, is convinced that he’s actually the nonchalant, ‘cool’ one but all he is, is a literal puddle. is still solid when standing but will be putty in your hands in SECONDS.

idia is secretly really proud of himself whilst being like: how did i even pull them. cause when he looks at your face when you’re talking to other people. he’s actually kind of scared cause it’s a really wondrous thing you never once looked at him like that… (please save his mind too. he’s trying to convince himself that you must be like this, soft person he knows to other people too and not just him because that’s just crazy right haha.. hahahaha…)

the type to tell you to stand back during raids, challenges, boss fights, etc…  that all you need to do is be there, and that he’ll solo it for you and you can claim your rewards even though he gave you the rarest, strongest equipment in respective games which won’t be much use at this point cause he insists he do it for you, and sulks all day if you don’t let him.

stay at home couple >>>

will order every single thing you crave during those times he’s too shy to consider date nights, and you too so it’s like an unspoken thing. he honestly plays better when you’re inside his room, even if it’s just laying on his messy bed scrolling on your phone or munching on something.

it’s just complete, comfortable silence.

except for the time one of you accidentally makes an indirect flirty comment and now the room could be considered a sauna from the literal steam only two people emitted. 

really, really, really, REALLY, likes it when your head is on his shoulder.

“─ean.. no one really asked for it, the nerf was completely unnecessary and─” the words poured out of his mouth, something uncontrollable that he couldn’t stop. there is something about you that just kicks down the layer of anxiety on him. comfortable might be the right word, even if you don’t talk that much (which is surprising cause he ends up being the talkative one and you always assure him that you like to listen.) somehow the thought: am i too annoying? doesn’t really pop up like usual.

in fact, he’s excited to ramble all about it. excited to hear your thoughtful hums, excited to see your attentive eyes on him since the first word he’s said─but it isn’t. because he looks up and you’re blinking haphazardly, thrice in a second and before he panics to shut his mouth he feels the soft slump of your head against the curve of his shoulder.

oh my god, oh my god, oh my g─

if idia had half of his mind he would scream instinctively at the weight he isn’t really accustomed to feel. actually, even if he did have his entire brain connected, and his thoughts coherent he still would. but he bites the inside of his cheek cause despite the chaos that just erupted in his mind which is somehow simultaneously blank, and swirling.

and he remembers midst his confusion that you are,

asleep.

you’re asleep on his shoulder

you’re asleep.

asleep on his shoulder.

on. his. shoulder.

he resorts to the screech in his head.

his shoulder─is so terribly stiff right now to the point where he thinks that sleeping on a hard, wooden surface would be surely more comfortable rather than where your head lays. he makes an effort to relax his muscles, tell himself that it’s only you and that there’s nothing wrong but there is something wrong because it’s you! idia dares to sneak a peek at you and your closed lids only confirm your unconscious state.

and careful with each nudge his movement makes sends to your head. idia can’t resist the hands that creep up his face and bury it, to hope all the embarrassment and whatever he’s feeling right now absorbs it right out of his face because god. he knows he looks like he just ate 10 bowls of lilia’s cooking.

he would scream, he really would. a second thought but you’re on his shoulder!

you, who rarely touches him too much.

on him.

him, who gets too flustered to be touched by you.

so he feels pretty obligated to just suck it up cause he’s enjoying the moment even if you aren’t conscious right now and he sure as hell is going to, for as long as he can.

idia releases a deep sigh, long and wistful because he’s gonna die before you even wake up.

[wwrityjess]

Big sister who finally gives in to her little sister and plays house with her "just to make her shut up about it". Figuring out that, oh no, she like, really really really likes having a pacifier in her mouth. Trying very hard not to let her little sister notice, but also not pretending to hate it so much that she wouldn't want to play house again. She really needs to do this more often, but she can't let her little sister know that she's a disgusting pervert who gets off on being babied. Constantly trying to hint at wanting to play house, but never outright saying it in fear of being seen as actually wanting it, because wanting to is weird, right? She's much too old to play house, it'd be weird if she asked to play, right? It'd be weird if she, the older sister and the reluctant party the first time they played, asked to play again, right? But she needs it so bad. So so so bad. She hasn't been too obvious with it, right? Her little sister hasn't figured her out yet, right? She doesn't think that her big sister is a pervert, right? Right?

Little sister who just wanted to play house with her big sister, but has noticed that her big sister has been acting strange ever since. She keeps stealing glances at her pacifier, which she had never even looked at twice before. Her big sister has also been much more talkative lately, she's been coming into her room to ask what she's doing lately, but she's always quick to leave whenever it's something she's not interested in. One time she had been playing house on her own, and her big sis was quick to ask if she needed someone to play the baby. When she said no, big sis had been... quiet. Almost as if she were disappointed. She had considered that her big sis might want to play house again, but she wanted to hear it from the horse's mouth.

Big sister who really really really needs to be babied again. She can't go a moment without thinking about it. She needs this more than food. More than water. More than air. But... she can't do it with her little sister. There's no way she could ask her innocent little sis to do something so... perverted. She has tried to do it online, but it just doesn't hit the same. She is willing to pay someone to do it with in real life, but that feels strange. Like it's not... real. She can't really place why, it just isn't. Is... is it because it's not with her little sis? No, it couldn't be. She couldn't involve her sister in this, it wouldn't be right. But she really needs this. She needs this. She needs this. She needs this. She can't do without any more. She's going to do it. She's going to ask her little sister to play house again. No. She's going to ask her little sister to baby her again.

Little sister who is kinda surprised by what her big sister just asked her. No, not what she asked, but how she asked it. She came in kinda rambling, it was hard to follow. When big sis finally calmed down, she asked her what exactly she wanted. "I want you to baby me like that time we played house." She expected this, but it was still surreal to actually hear it. She agreed, naturally. It was her duty as a little sister to do whatever made her big sister happy, that is what she was taught.

Big sister who did not expect this outcome. Her little sis just... said yes? Without hesitation? Without even asking any clarifying questions? Just an immediate yes? She was ecstatic. This was a better outcome than she could've ever dreamed of. She was scared that her little sis would say no, or even worse, that she would've looked at her with disgust and slammed the door in her face, never to talk to her again. Her head was swirling with thoughts of all the possibilities that could have happened, mixed with euphoria that they didn't happen. She was suddenly brought back to reality as her little sister thrust her pacifier into her mouth. Her mind was immediately blank, gone were all the thoughts that had occupied it only moments before. "Come, sit." Her little sis said, patting the bed next to her. Sheepishly, she sat down. Her little sister started stroking her hair, and she instinctively laid her head down on her lap. As her little sis started cooing, big sis fell asleep on her lap.

Little sister who realizing that she is the big sister now. Her "big" sister has essentially become her little sister. And honestly, she couldn't be happier.

[jammed-out]

Hypnovember Day 11 - Video Game

(CW: transformation, feline transformation, master driven transformation)

KAT - So the new immersion chamber by synthetic labs is out. I'm thinking about getting one.

MST - You definitely should. I know a few people who have and they love it. Says it makes the game really come to life. In fact let's both get one. We can play together, what's that game you like?

KAT - Fictional Fantasy League. I know you'd love it!

MST - Fine. We can both get it and play together. What do you say?

---

A week later Kay was finishing setting up the box in the corner of his room when he got a message from Mary. Sure they had never met in person, but after gaming together for the last decade they were as close as friends as you could get.

MST - Hurry up. I can't wait for you to get in here.

Kay rolled his eyes turning back to setting up the chamber. It was not what he expected, the big dark box that sat in the corner of his bedroom without any noticeable details to it. Just a big glossy door with a handle sticking out of it. He was kind of nervous. Some of the recent stories about people using it and coming out, different seemed kind of suspicious but they were just stories online of course. People lie all the time on line.

KAT - Almost set up. You get started. I'll be right there.

MST - Don't keep me waiting long! You know how impatient I get.

Kay rolled his eyes and plugged the last cord into his computer. The installation started automatically and all he had to do was wait for it to finish. The green ping popped up and he quickly launched the game, his favorite, Fictional Fantasy League. He could hear the panel behind him start and unlatch itself, inviting him in.

He quickly undressed and opened the door stepping in. It was weird that they recommended using it completely naked but it seemed safe enough. Probably for the immersion part of it, he assumed. He slowly closed the door behind him and heard it seal tightly with a suction click.

Nothing happened as he stood in the darkness, waiting. Slowly the room pulsed green as a web of lights rose from the floor scanning him.

Initializing baseline mental and physical state.

It rose higher before disappearing into the ceiling. He didn't feel anything different, just as if he was scanned, which was, weird.

Baseline locked. Loading game.

Suddenly the room exploded in light. Everything was glowing, pulsing in a rhythmic warm hue. Slowly the lighting changed as pillars of stone loaded in around him. He was standing on a stone floor, in a field, surrounded by pillars lit by candlelight. Overhead, trees rustled in the air. Grass blew by. It smelled like, a field. He could feel the stone beneath his feet. It was sightly damp to the touch. Everything felt so real.

A menu popped up in front of his face. A character customization screen. He knew this screen, he had used it dozens of times before to create a character for the game. But this time, the character was him. He slowly reached up to the screen and wondered what would happen if he just nudged something like hair length. There was a tingle in his head as his hair grew longer, now touching his shoulders. He stopped surprised, maybe the stories online were true.

A notification popped up surprising him before he could go any further.

MST - Hurry up and get in here! Just use the character preset I'm sending you. Don't overthink it like always.

A file appeared at the bottom of the popup. All it said was "CAT". Must've been a joke of course or a mistype. Kay grabbed it and dropped it onto their customization window. Imported character models weren't new for the game, but Kay wondered what had been prepped for him.

He gasped and doubled over as his body erupted in electricity. His chest doubled in size swelling growing larger by the second. He could feel himself shrinking, his hips flaring outward as his waist pinched inward. He tried to stand up, to reach the panel but immediately tumbled forward off balance, falling to his knees. He looked at his hands on the stone ground, small claws and fur erupting from them, covering his hands. It kept crawling up and something shot out of his back smacking him on the head. He looked trying to catch only to bite his tail. Yelping in pain he scratched his head.

He stood up looking at his character sheet. There were so many words on it. So many things to push. He wanted to poke them all. They seemed so shiny. So fun. Like a game. He loved games.

MST - you coming? Just accept my request already.

Something popped up on the screen. Something new. With a flashing button. Kay quickly poked it and suddenly everything changed. The world blurred as trees spun into a set of warm wooden walls. It was some sort of tavern. He was sure he had been here before but it was so silly now to try to remember. Everything was so new this time. So original.

“Wow. You came out great Kitten! I hope you don’t mind me calling you that. You always seemed more like a Kitten than a Kat.”

Kitten turned around eyes glistening. Cloaked in a large flowing red gown with a circlet above her head was Master. Kitten beamed brightly, excitedly and skipped over nuzzling against Master’s leg.

“Head up now Kitten. Let me see your eyes.” Kitten obeyed looking up straight into a glowing purple spell.

“Much better. You were right. This game is great. Especially since I can use magic to change reality and better yet, you. Do you like your new body?”

Kitten nodded running one of his new cat ears under Master’s hand. The lights twinkled twirling around his head, digging into his brain, changing his thoughts.

“I’ve been thinking Kitten. We should meet in the real world. Especially as soft and docile as you are now. It’s not safe for a Kitten to be all alone.”

Kitten twisted his head confused. A flash of the light however remedied that. It made sense. Kitten shouldn’t be alone. Kitten should obey commands.

“Good. Now what do you think Kitten. I only went for half elf, but I was thinking you’d enjoy something a bit larger in the future. But how about you show me that cute little butt of yours so we can see just how immersive this really is.”

Kitten did a little twirl, head still turned, facing the glowing spell. He bent down, raising his ass up in the air, giving his tail a swish. “Mrow.” He said with a little wink. His cock twitched eagerly as he rubbed his swollen breasts against the ground. Hopefully Master enjoyed using him.

[liffy-feelin-jiffy]

S5 Headcanons Part 2!

Also SkullAmiGorai mention hehehoohoo

Mask

Real name is Jacklyn, but they typically go by Jack

Got the ‘tism

Half sharkling. Bro doesn’t have a tail, but he’s got some fins peaking out behind his back and some razor sharp teeth. Munch munch munch. Their eyes are also a little weird looking too

Shady is his cousin btw. They keep in touch sometimes but they’re not that close

Omnigender, uses he/they/bro pronouns. They started using “bro” as a neopronoun for shits and giggles at one point until it kinda just became an actual neopronoun for him because they like it

Also Omnisexual and panromantic. Why is everyone so attractive???

Tall. Scrawny as hell. Eat a sandwich, bloke

Makes the most lewd jokes out of the group. Bro even grosses Aloha out sometimes-

Mask: “I need her to bend me over the stove and spank me with a spatula-“

Aloha: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HELLO????”

Very congested voice. That’s hay fever. He gets it from his father, who got it from his father, and so on

“Nice argument, unfortunately I am at your front door with a blunt object” — debating online about which character should be invited into smash bros

I know his bitch ass kins that motherfucker Sal from Sally Face

Favorite video game would have to be portal 2. He’d like the plot, the story, and bro would love Glad0s to pieces 10/10 villain, she’s a mood. They also like RPGs, plenty of which he’s download off of an itch.io knockoff

This fool STANKS. Like, bro smells like cheap cologne and 50 day old stale pizza. Take a bath

The rest of the S5 and Mask’s family have definitely tried to give him a bath before. They failed 😞 /j

Just kidding, Mask showers once for two whole days. Sometimes they’ll go for three days

Has multiple socials. Bro doesn’t post much other than some random funny videos they catch of the boys doing stupid shit and cackling at them when they get hurt in the most ridiculous ways

Is actually depressed. Bro was acting like an edgy teen back when they were 14, but as they got older they did actually start developing depression. Bro isn’t suicidal or anything, or at least they don’t actively seek to harm themselves, but bro has this kind of… Depressive symptom where they would just have a lack of care for if they like got killed all of a sudden, even almost hoping it would happen. Instead of being all mopey and sad and crying themselves to sleep at night, Mask is really just in a numb state. They just don’t care about anything. They still pull through because of all their family and friends, and bro knows that leaving those people in his life wouldn’t do any good.

Bro gained his depression from his mom suddenly passing away when he was 18. She died in a horrible car crash. They were even the first to find out because he accidentally stumbled across the scene. It wasn’t too far from where they lived. Thankfully, Mask is seeing a therapist, but he’s having trouble opening up still.

Acts like a cat. Loves to cuddle, really lazy with their movements and mannerisms, and love bites. Nibbles on your hand like a creature

Plays the chello. At first he started playing because he thought that the low pitch of the chords were edgy, lmao, but then the sound of it felt soothing and it ended up growing on him. Bro plays it whenever he’s stressed out over something or if he just needs a moment to clear his mind. It helps them think better, too. He’ll play for you if he feels like it or if you ask nicely, but he’s usually shy about it.

Crusty gamer, but they have a beautiful face. Aloha dramatically passed out when he saw Mask’s true face

Mask doesn’t really like to take his mask off in general. At first it was so bro could look scary and intimidating when bro was younger, but now it’s because they value their privacy. Plus, they find comfort in their anonymity. They typically keep it off when they’re at home or at a trusted friends house

Aloha’s octoling roommate, Lilith, creeped the shit of him when they first met, even though they were kinda similar in how they acted. Bro was just really off put by her gigantic size and build, and the fact that she was missing an eye and had previously been part of the Octarian army—as an army captain no less—oooh bro had the heebie jeebies! They actually ended up becoming friends after they just trauma dumped to each other one night during one of Aloha’s parties. There were tears and ugly sobs involved. Now? Don’t tell anyone, but Mask thinks she’s fine as hell (they like their women buff).

Seriously though, now Mask is practically head over heels for that woman. He never wants to admit it, and he gets all defensive when people bring it up, as it’s mostly because she’s afraid of finding out and potentially beating his ass over it, or just having to face the reality that she simply may not be interested in them. That alone was enough to leave an emotional bruise on em.

Hangs out with Bobble, even though her smile used to erk him to the end of the world. He also likes hanging out with Goggles, too. The both of them treat Mask nicely and bought him a game that he really wanted for their birthday, so now Mask feels like he’s indebted to them (that’s what he says, but bro just likes hanging out with them)

Real chill about it when Army came out as an octoling—he also then came out as a sharkling at the time, too. He was also the first to find out about Army having a crush on Goggles and he tried to hook ‘em up just for shits and giggles, and sort of to see what would happen. Bro did feel happy when they got together, but then they got flabbergasted when the two of them also got with Rider and Skull— “Wait, did I miss a few chapters? What the hell”

Skull

His real name is Sloan

Autism hiding up in here somewhere. Adhd, too

Also gay. Unlike Rider, he’s more open about it—or chill at least

He’s a kraken squid, one of the strongest creatures in the inkling and octoling genuses. Being a kraken squid not only gives him more animalistic traits in the way he acts, like being territorial and prone to snapping his teeth and growling, but he also has bones. Krakens are one of the only ones, besides leviathans and some sharklings, to have bones in the cephalopod class

That being said, he’s broken an arm at one point. He mentions it every so often like it was a fever dream and people look at him alarmingly because the way he broke his arm sounds absolutely agonizing

Besides the E-liter, he also likes using the krak on splat roller

Likes to wear goth punk style, either that or punk rock

Gives the most bombastic side eye

He says he tone deaf when he sings, but he can actually sing pretty good. It’s really soothing. He’s just really shy about his singing and uses it as an excuse not to sing. You gotta bully him into doing it (don’t do that tho, not nice) He can also rap pretty good, too. And he’s really good with the bass guitar and regular guitar

Has really beautiful tanned skin, because he stands out in the sun all day holding his e-liter in matches and he’s Scalican and knows Coralish (Splatoon pun of Mexican and Spanish) he’s got a bunch of tan lines, too

But what if he had a southern accent? 👀 (I WANNA BE A COWBOY BABYYYY)

He’s been wearing his skull bandana for the longest to hide his sharp ass teeth to try to avoid people from getting spooked of him. Well, the skull on his bandana didn’t really help all that much, but he actually kinda liked the style because he felt intimidating for another reason other his real teeth.

He’s naturally strong as hell and tall as a skyscraper because he’s a kraken squid, and he’s been like that since he turned 14. It’s because of that lots of people are always intimidated by him, even when he tries to prove he’s docile (Kind of a discrimination thing he’s gotta deal with everyday 😞). But deep down he’s a gentle giant. Really trustworthy man, too. He also has sharp claws; they’re very pretty

Got into a few fist fights, some double sided and… one sided, between him and some drink tampering shmucks Aloha would catch at his parties or at his parents’ bar. He’s never started a fight, but he has sure as hell finished them all

He’s kinda insecure about handling kids and hatchlings. He loves them to death, but because of his giant, intimidating feature, he knows he’d be prone to accidentally freaking younglings out. It also has to do with the fact that his hatchling cousin started crying really hard the millisecond Skull tried to hold them in his arms one time back when he was like 12; He still hasn’t gotten over it. It’s kinda ironic though, because despite his intimidating form, lots of younglings and hatchlings actually really like him right off the bat. It’s probably because he’s actually really good with kids in general. He’d play with them, keep them out of trouble, and just knows what they’d need on a whim. He’s your go-to babysitter kind of guy

His favorite pastries are cannolis, his favorite cakes are cheesecakes, and his favorite candy would be all three flavors of chocolate. He had a crisis when he had to choose one team during the chocolate splatfest

Really territorial about his food. He growls if you get near him while he’s eating food, especially sweets. Not only that, but he’s even worse when he’s with a significant other. He’ll straight up snarl at you if he feels like you’re bothering them. He’d even snap his teeth like a dog at you. Leave him alone to cuddle with his boyfriens >:(

He does also growl and snarl when he senses danger, if he’s pissed off, or if he just wants to be left alone in general. He’s got a low, deep growl that can pierce your soul. It’s some freaky shit. It makes for a good warning to not cross him, cuz he will fuck you up bad.

He also purrs a lot, and LOUDLY. He loves to purr, it’s his own way of showing affection. He also likes to nibble, whether it be on your hands, neck, ear, anywhere. He’ll also play bite and it‘s so ticklish. He’s like a doggy 💜💜💜

He had a crush on Mask once, back when they played in Inkopolis Plaza, but it was mostly because bro was so affectionate with him. Mask was actually his gay awakening before he decided that he liked imagining Mask as more of a friend. Mask also made for a great wingman, anyways.

Skull fell for Goggles the same reason he fell for Mask, because he was so nice and affectionate with him—even though he flashed him to the public in the square (you had to be there). He was also intrigued by him because he admired how Goggles faced him so determinedly, even after Goggles lost against him. He was the first person who wasn’t afraid of Skull, and that really did confuse him for an extended amount of time

There’s also Rider; He got the feels for Rider after he faced up against Emperor. He too admired Rider for his determination, and that was when he began to realize he had a type—and that he was poly. You could also say their pep talk they had before Rider faced Emperor’s team had played a part in it. They also got closer during the ranked battle championship arc.

As for Army, well, he and Army bonded when he found out Army was an octoling. Skull kinda related to him, as he was also seen as different from other inklings in society because of his large and intimidating structure—though Army didn’t really have to face that, but he was shamed for who he was by his grandad so that was something he and Skull had somewhat in common. He was also there to comfort Army when he was going through it with his grandad getting arrested and everything. He even offered him a place to stay if he needed, even when Army assured that Goggles’ parents were happy to have him around. He’s also really grateful for the fact that Army always makes sure to be his reminder for a bunch of things and also keeps him from getting lost, and his curry is YUM YUM YUM (proof that good food makes a even the bad bitches fold)

He and Aloha’s friend, Lilith started out a bit rocky, but then they grew to have a mutual trust in each other. They also ended up becoming friends after Lilith heard him singing and started singing along (they’re both shy about singing)

Weekly ink rifle meet up with Headphones and Half Rim. Eventually they started inviting N-Pacer! It’s just when they spend the day doing friend stuff, cuz theyre friends now :)

Rider

Real name is Roe

Is BRI’ISH. Heavy British accent boi; “oi my names Rida’ ”

Dude is so tone deaf. But he can keep a beat pretty well. He’s tried to play the drums at one point, but he hasn’t played in a while. He has to have his drum set hiding in his house somewhere

Socially detached. He was taken advantage by other kids a lot when he was younger, and those memories never left him. He’s also had a few issues growing up, too, especially without his dad.

His father left him and his mom before he and his sister were even born. He doesn’t even have a good idea as to what he looks like since his mom took down every photo in the house that he was in since he left them. His mom refuses to ever mention him, and if Rider ever does she’s quick to change the subject. All he knows is that he inherited his father’s voice, and both he and Platinum inherited his nose and lips. Rider never knew why he left. But truth be told, he doesn’t care no more, he’s got so many more people to worry about nowadays

Coming back to edit this part: He has a twin sister and a twin brother btw. He’s one of three triplets. His sister’s real name’s Rinet (it’s Renet but it’s just spelled differently) and his twin brother’s name is Ryan. Rinet’s nickname is Platinum while Ryan is Rockin’. Platinum wears the white inky rider and she mains the golden aerospray, while Cooler wears the Rockin’ leather jacket and mains the Golden Enperry Dualies. Rinet’s kinda an asshole but she’s a pretty fun friend to have around. Ryan is more laid back and a “go with the flow” kinda guy, but literally he doesn’t care about a lot of stuff. Rider and them all used to be on the same team until he got sick of Rinet’s shit because he thought she was such a snooty player and decided to go his own way while Rinet left with Ryan. Eventually, Rider found his own team that he has now. Every so often, if one of his teammates get sick or unavailable, Platinum will automatically fills in for them, and if not her, then it’ll be Rockin’ .

Platinum doesn’t play turf war or ranked battles that much. She’s mostly seen doing Grizzco shifts to try to help her and Rider’s mom pay the bills and get their mom closer to retirement; it’s also to save up money for college. Rockin’ and Rider wish she would quit someday, as they don’t trust Grizzco industries and their “policies” and work environment. Rider doesn’t admit it, but he worries about her a whole lot. Rockin’ does his best to keep an eye on her, mostly by tagging along with her in salmon runs as joint workers.

He’s pretty skilled with the E-Liter. He likes to stick with the no-scope; inspired by Headphones, in purpose of keeping an eye on his team.

He and Wireglasses weren’t related. They did grow up in the same neighborhood as kids, before Wireglasses moved to Splatsville with his parents. It made Rider kinda sad because they were actually good friends, one of the only real friends he ever really had before blue team. When they met again after he went to Splatsville, they gave each other a big ol hug.

His ass does not like Emperor. Emperor doesn’t like him either, except it’s more that he just doesn’t vibe with him, meanwhile Rider just LOATHES him to pieces. If they’re both in the same room, Rider will go out of his way to stand in the opposite side of the room just to be as far away from “that fancy ass whiteboy” as possible. It’s so ridiculously funny and more so when you remember that all of team blue are good friends with Emperor so it really ruffles Rider’s feathers.

He has nothing against Prince, tho. If the S4 say he’s cool, then he��s cool.

His mom is… She’s not perfect, to say the least. Who is, though? I mean, Sheena really did struggle to cope when he boyfriend abandoned her when she fell pregnant, with triplets no less. She absolutely refuses to drown her sorrows in alcohol and drugs, I implore her for that, but she was still incredibly depressed even when her kids came into the world. She was slightly neglectful during their first few years, and her parents didn’t bother to help her with them because she left them to be with her boyfriend, but they didn’t bother regaining contact even when she was struggling. Sheena got better eventually, especially after she started gaining more friends in the neighborhood who helped co-parent. Eventually she was able to get back on her feet and become the kind of parent she wanted to be for her three kids. Since then, she became a lot more energetic and bombastic, she had that cool aunt personality while juggling around two kids at the same time. She loves her babies to death, and she thinks it’s funny to kind of embarrass them in public all the time by giving them kisses all over their faces and head and giving them right hugs. Yes, it’s embarrassing, but Platinum, Rockin’ and Rider know that life would be a lot more duller without their mother around. 💚🤍🖤 (not me indulging in motorcycle mama 😭)

His mom’s part of a biker gang, and she has the nickname Rose because she wears a pink leather jacket that she got custom made. She’s got a sweet, red Road-King in the garage. She keeps saying that she’s gonna get Rider a black Road King someday when he’s old enough. Rider honestly doubts it, but don’t underestimate his mother’s determination to keep her word.

He’s honestly in no rush, really. In fact he’s afraid of getting back on the motorcycles again. He used to ride around on the back of his mom’s motorcycle and be part of “the gang,” but he take on a hiatus after a car accident that had him fist bumping death’s hand before he ended up in the hospital for almost a week with a scar that’s never gonna leave. He hasn’t road with her since, but even he admits that he wants to get back on it someday.

He’s pretty smart with cars and with motorcycles, too. He learned it all from his mom. Why go to the car repair center when you can take it over to his house to get it checked on? Charges a fair price, too. Rockin’ and Platinum like to help out too, but they’re much more experienced in motorcycles since they both own one and take of their own.

His right eye is partially blind from where he got sanitized. He would’ve felt more insecure about it if it weren’t for his boyfriends assuring him that he’s such a handsome boy every single day since they each of them got together.

Yes, he is built like a brick house. He swings a large mass of metal around like a wiffle bat everyday out in the battlefield. What else did you expect?

He’s so easy to scare, it’s hilarious. You can come up from behind him and go “BOO!” And he’ll jump a little and just glare at you. But if he gets really scared, like if he’s in one of those haunted house attractions, he’ll start screaming and slowly start falling to the ground in slow motion or just run off wordlessly. It’s even funnier because he’ll grab the nearest person he’s with and they’re both gonna eat shit together by falling or he’s gonna throw them over his shoulder and bull a skiddadle. Either that, or he’s just gonna run away so fast without saying anything; there was also this time he was playing basketball by himself in the evening and the lights suddenly went off and he SPED AWAY so fast you could hear the fear in his shoes when they squeaked. (That last part is based off a funny video I saw of a man running away when the streetlights went of). His ass does not like horror games, either

He has multiple pair of boots, and leather jackets.

He would absolutely wear the dreadlock hairstyle in Splatoon 3, he HAS too

He was very shocked to find out Army was an octoling, but he had his full support. But NOTHING could prepare him for when he finally met Goggles’ parents and learned that theyre octolings too. He likes them a whole lot, they’re very nice to him and they became friends with his mom when they all met each other at one of Goggle and Rider’s meet-your-parents dinner date

Ok so I’m so sorry I sorta just dumped my personal issues onto Mask that must’ve been really screwed up to read- (my mom didn’t die in a car crash but she had dementia and she died last year on new years). I was also indulging in Rider’s mom for a little bit, because, I wish my mom was still here to give me a bunch of kisses all over my face while I complain about people seeing us because- I miss that :(

Don’t worry about it 👍🏻

Also sorry for those who come back every so often and find out the headcanons have changed. I should probably just make part 3’s and 4’s but I don’t feel like it. I’m gonna do team blue at some point erp erp erp

And don’t look at me like that for also jumping on the oc x canon ship bandwagon with Mask. I just thought that they and Lilith would be silly together.

< Here’s the first part with Aloha and Army

[aromanticgarbage]

h3h3 said that joji ghosted him after he got famous, ian says they don't talk anymore too. I wonder if max was the only one he was really close with or maybe they just recently reconnected.

Ok that's a tricky topic of conversation. Read more because as always i cannot shut up.

H3h3 and iddubz don't really mean anything to me outside of their old filthy frank collabs. I actually actively dislike them. Yeah you read that right. Thats why ive tried to make the fact that i am NOT running a cancer crew blog here clear. I just hate iddubz's old solo content. Seeing him beat himself up online nowadays isn't great either but by god his old stuff is so so bad (to me). Internet drama and borderline hate speech is a recipe for disaster and if he was smarter he would have seen this coming. I understand that some people like his older stuff out of nostalgia but i am not affected by this. I was not into YouTube back then. Im still not into YouTube. I only know of him and h3h3 because im obsessed with their old homie. My perspective is different, these people barely mean anything to me.

Ok now, disclaimers aside. Ethan said that joji told him not to call him filthy frank when he was talking about his music and he personally interpreted that as him being embarrassed of his past. Personally its just clear to me that what joji was asking for when he was taking his first steps as a full time music artist was space. Being known as an ex youtuber can kill someones career and considering the sort of content he was making as ff it just doesn't seem weird to me that he wanted to separate the two lol. He gave countless interviews where he mentioned his old content and that he understood why people found it so hard to move on from such an iconic character but that he didn't like conflating the two. And even then, a few years later he was encouraging fans at his concerts to chant filthy frank so i cant help but feel like Ethan's assumption that he is embarrassed and trying to forget it ever happened is baseless and biased. And after that....well. Its pretty clear to me that h3h3 used to be enjoyed by people but its had a pretty obvious dowfall since then. Idc about Ethan's drama (or the man himself for that matter) but to be completely honest i wouldn't keep in contact with him either. Idk if you are one of those people who still enjoy his podcast but to me and to many others it just seems bad. Real bad. A lot of drama and too little substance.

Now Ian...Ian is definitely less clear to me as an outside observer. I may not like ~the old iddubz~ but joji obviously didn't have a problem with him. They always seemed to get along pretty well on all the behind the scenes and going through the cake trilogy together probably means that they developed something similar to a warriors bond. He was fun on their collabs. But alas, sometimes people who used to be close just stop keeping in touch. A lot of Joji's old college friends (pookie/david, the shaman/lewys, wheelz/tyrell) are no longer in contact with him and yet they all speak of him very highly. People online like to act like he somehow ""betrays his roots"" by not keeping up with people he collaborated with on youtube back in the day but youtube isn't his roots lmao. His high school and middle school japan friends have always clearly been very important to him and he never fell out off touch with them. He is often touring alongside Rei Brown and he has mentioned in interviews that he relies on these friendships on his day to day life (admittedly the interview im talking about was from 2018 but there's no reason to assume that he has suddenly stopped talking to people that he has been friends with since he was like 12 years old). At the end of the day he doesn't owe people online to keep in contact with anyone. People grow up and change and not all relationships survive the test of time. And thats okay. Stuff happens, people move on. For what its worth tho, i feel like iddubz's drama driven channel (because lets be fair the content cops were his biggest thing and they were youtube drama no matter how self righteous or fair they seemed at the time) didn't help. The thing about joji is that he had always avoided internet drama like it was the plague, which is once again one of those things that i appreciate deeply about him. I hate internet drama. But even my kinda biased opinion aside, the reality of the situation is probably very simple. They are both grown adults who live very different lives. They hanged out together during a few summers a lot of years ago. They followed different paths in life. It happens. Joji has been very offline for years now and i get the impression that he tends to isolate himself when his health acts up so its probably not that hard to fall out of touch with him.

And last but not least....Max. I won't lie, out of the cancer crew the only other person i actually like besides my man Joji is Max. Maybe he really was closer with Max, i certainly find him more likable. Around 2018 both Joji on twitter and Max on that one cold ones podcast episode said that they still keep in touch. Max was replying to a lot of Joji's tweets up untill the nectar era but once again, at the end of the day they live in different countries. I obviously have no way of knowing if they were still as close as they used to in the following years. Maybe they grew more distant for a while, maybe they reconnected around 2023 when joji took chad and max backstage at his concert, and then of course the wedding !! Its all very sweet, the gimme love Max and Chad video from the concert lowkey made me tear up.

But once again, at the end of the day they are all living their own lives, doing their own thing. And people who act like they owe it to them to be each others everything forever and ever because they met online a decade ago and collaborated on some extremely iconic videos make me laugh.

[castlebyersafterdark]

a few kinda not chill asks sent my way too a while back, about being disinterested or disappointed when fandom blogs get too personal and it just turned my stomach

Ok it might not be me, but ive definitely said this kind of thing to blogs before and i would like to come here now and explain myself and also apologise.

Firstly, context and tone being lost online. i understand it's easy to project and take things to heart that might not even have been about us! been there done that, all day long! but still, i'm sorry that i might have contributed to someone feeling bad because of that.

Secondly and more importantly, it probably was totally unnecessary for me to comment things like that in the first place. ive changed my habits so much in the past few months on this site, and feel so much better. it was wild in the midst of s4, then all the byler shit happening really made me act out in a way that i didnt care for at all. didnt even feel like me! i didnt do anything terrible, but i started to understand the slippery slope of how people end up catfishing and shit. it's the anonymity! you dont stop and think online. well, most don't. but i think you do, vinny. its one of the reasons i love your blog.

which leads me to point three. yes, you talk about personal stuff, but it's so charming and endearing, and never feels gratuitous or self-centred or wallowy. and so, even for someone like me who always wanted byler content more than personal stuff on other blogs, i had a realisation. not necessarily a kind or unkind one, but a truthful one: that being here is kind of like meeting people irl in many ways. some people you click with, others you don't. and that's ok. but in real life you can size people up and judge if you want to associate with them. no shade to those who don't compel you - its just part of being human and you walk away and don't befriend them.

but online is so weird - we can't see each other, don't know our ages or interests or anything except what we're told. so when people you perhaps thought were cool, suddenly turn their blog into something that starts to feel unsafe or just downright rubbish... or perhaps you realise theyre so very much younger than you and it's not exactly manageable to be chatting with them because you wouldn't have such a relationship irl... well, i guess its easy to feel tricked. and you can't see it coming like you might if you were physically associating with someone in person, or with mutual friends who give you perspective. i mean, i definitely shouldn't have interacted with so many younger people in this fandom so carelessly, but fandom can be unclear like that sometimes, when you're thrilling in a shared interest and forgetting how many different life experiences people are bringing to the same thing.

and yeah, i could probably have just walked away and not said anything. that's my bad. i was venting. (not about you, about others and you may have seen it and taken it to heart). so its a combo of internet enabling bad behaviour + the weirdness of invisible online connections, and my own lack of foresight.

but honestly vinny, never once have i felt annoyed by you. I've always loved your insights and personal life things... im drawn to the way you think and speak and it helps that you're self-aware, and seem honest and mature. in fact sometimes i feel a bit weirded out by just how much i love this blog. it feels like a real connection sometimes, even though its still invisible online. you have a real authorial voice, you are original and you are... well, you. what always annoyed me was when other byler blogs just became carbon copies of each other, complaining about the same shit (usually byler doubt) and then suddenly soapboxing about personal problems in a way that would have made me feel unsafe and stressed if i knew them irl.

not to say these bloggers were objectively bad, but just not my cup of tea. i didn't handle it well, i should have just scrolled on past. but i didnt and that was on me. not everyone can like everyone, and that's ok. that's normal. but i wouldnt want anyone to have that life lesson served to them in a bad-shaped box, and especially not by me.

so yeah. apologising in case i had a hand in making you feel that way by proxy. and i hope it can mean something that i don't ever think youre annoying. i genuinely love it here. i can't wait to stick it out with you until s5 drops! and i think i'll be more sad than i thought, because all our speculation and gossip will come to an end with the show.

Posting since you gave the go ahead 😌

This is just a silly fandom blog at the end of the day, but I do feel somewhat vulnerable at times. A lot. It can feel like sending a risky text over and over. I have this inability that once I allow myself to feel comfortable in a place, even an online setting, I do tend to get overly personal and insightful and vulnerable once the edge is tipped over. Slippery slope when you've been a person who's lifelong dealt with pretty severe anxiety and sensitivity, even while being pretty extroverted. Weird combo. I'm a mess! But it's ok.

Situations like this, me making an offhand comment, probably based on off hand comments not at all to do with me - stem from all that. And it's like oh god, mannn why are you like this!?! Chill out! And it's no one's fault - to anon sending this ask: based on how you're explaining and talking here, you may have been one I saw elsewhere that I took to heart but you definitely don't sound like those who sent unkind things over the summer. So it's ok 🥲🙏 We are all works in progress. I've gotten myself in to some situations online, mostly of mine own doing, but also not, and I guess as fun as I have on here and despite the rampant kindness - I'm always bracing for the worst. Because we've all seen what fandom can be like, what the internet can be like.

I feel you though, and anyone else who has their guards up. We can't help what does and does not resonate. I think I know what you mean by going to a space for one thing and then tonally it morphs into something different. I've seen that happen with blogs. And it's so hard because we're human, even if we want to be aloof and disconnected, there's always someone behind every post and page and blog and account (well, unless it's a bot haha), but we aren't going to click with most people and we aren't going to get to know most, either. And it's so much easier for everything to switch up like that online as opposed to knowing a person "in the real world." Without knowing the backstory, the reason. If there's any at all. And I think it's very human to feel some sort of way about these things. The person looking at the screen is just as real as the one one the other side, and there's this digital wall between all of us - connections can be beautiful here, but they can also be frustrating.

I'm really glad that even one person feels affected in a positive way by whatever it is I'm doing here, it really blows my mind when I read kind words. Not trying to sound facetious, it truly catches me off guard and it's always a pleasant reminder. I think that's why I get so anxious and nervous thinking anything I do here is upsetting or annoying or negative. Because I've been that negative presence online in the past and I don't want to be. It's actually kind of funny and sweet that you feel weirded out by liking it here so much, because I feel the same???? Breaking down the reality of being obsessed with a TV show is... kinda fucking weird??? But it's not gonna change for me. This is what I'm into and passionate about and it's sooooo damn cool that others are too and vibe in the way I'm vibing with it.

As always - thanks for hanging out. I'll be sticking around long after our speculation and gossip dies down, and I hope people still want to hang out even after it's over. I'll still keep posting and oversharing and being creative and yes, being annoying about a television show. ❤️

[razzek]

Saw this kind of post expressing a thing I see rather a lot online and since my knee hurts so bad for no reason I can't sleep I may as well respond to it here.

In just about every fandom space, sooner or later there's always that one person who doesn't like a thing or a fellow fan and in their screed against whatever they say something like "I'm a survivor of x bad thing" as this weird justification for their arguement. And look, my guy. My dude. You gotta stop with that shit.

Before I go any farther I wanna say that whatever happened to you, yeah that sucked. I've been there too. It's a bad feeling, especially when you're young and it just starts to hit you how bad it was. That's a lousy feeling and a real hard place to be. And you're trying to deal, trying to figure out how your world that is functionally the same as it always was is suddenly contorted around the awful thing. And suddenly something you like or some asshole you've never met blunders into that new raw wound and you freak out. I get it. It's hard being in that place in life. It hurts, it makes you mad, and it's so damn unfair that you can't fix it or make things go back to before you knew. For what it's worth, I'm sorry that happened to you. Shit sucks big time.

However. You are not the only person on earth who was hurt in whatever way you're hurting. Your trauma does not make you an expert on the matter and your hurt does not excuse you when you use it as a bludgeon to try and force people to your side through guilt. That thing that makes you feel uncomfortable and weird all of a sudden? Maybe that's the only thing that got someone who went through exactly what you did through this awful period of realization. And maybe it's all just a joke to some strangers online you'll never meet. You will never really know. It's still a dick move to try and force everyone in a room to do what you want through this guilt trip tactic. For one thing, you're almost certainly hurting someone you have more in common with than not. For another, if you don't care enough about strangers to respect that they feel differently about something than you do, why do you think they give two shits about your feelings? It sucks to find out this way but in most fandom spaces, nobody cares how you feel, and they really don't care when you're a total stranger barging in yelling that they should feel bad because something they like made you, a total rando, feel bad.

tl,dr: Using your trauma as a blunt force instrument to try and get your way is not going to work out how you want and it's a pretty good way to give others a stick to hit you with.

[denimbex1986]

'I'm at home in London, currently in my kitchen. It's fine. It's a bit of a weird time, but I'm kind of determined that when it's all over I'll get something out of it, you know? It's the first time in a long time that I've been able to stop, so if people I love are able to remain healthy then I feel kind of grateful.

People keep talking about the eerie calm, but I don't think it's the calm that's eerie, it's the fact it's happened so quickly, because stuffing ourselves into a tube five days out of seven is pretty eerie, I think. There's loads of eerie stuff the other way too.

I've got a few daily activities to stay calm. The main one is avoiding freaking out. I decided to have five things that I'm going to do every day and if i don't do them I'm not going to freak out. The best thing that I did was listen to Mo Gawdat. He wrote a book on happiness [Solve For Happy] and Elizabeth Day interviews him on her podcast. He just speaks with an incredible humanity, generosity, wisdom and calm about what this could be and how rather than following the herd we should focus on what we do and think ourselves. The majority of us are safe, he says – though he doesn't minimise the pain that some people are going through – and it's really been beneficial. It's brilliant. Elizabeth Day has just interviewed the great philosopher Alain de Botton too. Both are just guys who have great overviews.

I encourage all people to use the mute button on social media more, by the way. We are surrounded by so much information at the moment. I do not need to see a picture of an empty shelf in a supermarket, because that signifies to me that you, my friend, are an empty shelf.

This is the first pandemic we've had with social media and there's so much information. It's brilliant, Instagram, but you suddenly become aware, when your world becomes smaller, that you just don't need to engage. And people's misery seems to be the same as their showing off – people seem to show off their misery as much as their fabulousness. There are some people on Instagram who make you think, “That person is invading my daily life and I haven’t even met them!” So to be able to decide “I don't need you at this time”… there's something good about that. It's about looking to console people, rather than be consoled.

I suppose one thing I'd really like to change after the pandemic is people's attitude to what social media actually is. The point is about real connection, not just to filter the fuck out of everything.

With Zoom and being able to be online all the time, maybe there is a way of staggering traffic into the office, for instance. Maybe you don't need to be in work for 9am every day. It makes you realise things can change. Good stuff will come out of it, I think. Shaking things up and making people question who they are outside of their day-to-day persona: that's not a bad thing. The question is what makes you genuinely happy? What do you miss?

I am missing dressing up and occasions and all that stuff. But I've always been a big fan of the nonevent. Like the day after a wedding or at a funeral, when you don't expect anything specific and you're allowed to be whatever you want.

I had a Zoom conversation with one of my friends the other day and we showed each other all the shit clothes we're wearing right now. We did a little fashion show. It's amazing how it moves to the background in a situation like this, clothes and all of that stuff. There's a great freedom in that.

I went to a surprise Zoom birthday last week and it makes you realise what you bring to a party. You've got to bring something! Dressing up and having a sense of occasion is usually what you bring to a party, but in Zoom land you've got to bring more than that – you've got to bring the party! You can't just stand there.

I find on Zoom after two drinks I'm hammered and then you come off the call and you find yourself in your apartment swaying around and your like, “Jesus, I'm absolutely gone. Who else will I Zoom?”

Sometimes you need to stop and look at what's outside work – what's important. It sounds like a cliché, but that's a really big one for me.

Both my sisters put me on to Ryan Heffington's dance classes. He's based in LA and he's just full of joy and it's really stupid. He asks you to pick up bits of your laundry and swing them around. He's got some “punch the president” moves. The music is really fun, really camp. It's on LA time, but it stays up until the next day. But he’s a really brilliant choreographer and he leads you through the moves so it's not all high-octane. Afterwards you just feel really brilliant!" [Follow Ryan Heffington on Instagram here.]

I'm in love with my resistance bands. You can do so much with them. In this time when everyone's in their head, it's important to keep the exercise up. I never really used these before because I always went to the gym, but I've found out that you can break a sweat at home! You can do all sorts of things with these – you stretch them as much as you can.

I've been watching a lot of Tiger King, obviously, but I've also been watching Making The Cut, that new show with Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn. It's amazing. I love a design show – I loved Project Runway, I liked Next In Fashion – but the judges in this are Naomi Campbell and Carine Roitfeld, so it's proper high fashion. I love all that kind of stuff.

People keep saying, “Stay connected,” and I think that's important, but the person you're spending all your time with is yourself. And If I'm not checking in with what's going on with me, and I'm constantly Face Timing people and looking outwards rather than inwards… you go a bit nuts. So it's been a good time to meditate. I've had a mixed experience with meditation, but as things have gone a bit more mental I've needed a still space. And with all this information, I've found that if you look inwards and find peace, you're able to take that peace to the world. It doesn't feel hippy-dippy to me; it feels scientific. If you get better at finding the calm in yourself, I think it's easier to make sense of what's happening.

In terms of grooming I'm using Murdock's sea salt spray, because it's the only bit of sea I'm going to get right now!'

[ursarangler]

h. ello .

my name is dominique. we are related but that does not matter. i have questions for you .

i am very interested in the strange and unexplained events happening in the regions . i find them very neat . i want to learn more about them as i grow up and. i heard that you went through stuff like that.

i am sorry that happened to you . but also what happened in full . what was celebi like . did you see a. zigazagoon. thank you

thank you for answering my questions . i think you should get more sleep.

— 🎧🐾

▓▒░U(''°ᴥ°'')U░▒▓ hey, kiddo! Please don't tell random strangers online that you're related to them with no context!! I'm not mad at you, I just want you to know that you could really scare the life out of a fella doing that!!

For your questions though σ(￣ᴥ￣ʋ⁠) I wouldn't say I've been through much unexplainable stuff. Really, most of it's just the result of a bunch of men with big egos fucking around and finding out. I did experience some odd things growing up in Unova, though!! U⁠^⁠ｪ⁠^⁠U Lots of strangeness in the woods and out in the more rural parts! I can't remember a lot of it, long ago as it was, but one thing I remember is when I was out at a friend's farm late at night. We were out looking for bugs out by the Torchic coops, and suddenly, the Torchics went all quiet. Next thing I know, there's a whistling coming from in the coops. ▼⁠・⁠ᴥ⁠・⁠▼ I had a bad feeling about all of it, but my friend wanted to make sure there wasn't something in there killing all the mons, so he just tells me to go get his ma and pa, picks up a big stick, and charges on in there.

Kid's been a missing person's case for about fifty years now.

Anyways! U⁠^⁠ｪ⁠^⁠U what happened with the Celebi!!

First off, it put up one hell of a fight!! O-(`ᴥ´Q)/ That's to be expected and all I suppose, being a mythical mon! The psychic armor worked a bit, but I still got tossed around a good bit and not to mention the whole U(”⁠ ⁠⊚ᴥ⊚⁠ ⁠”)U time travel thing. But! V⁠●⁠ᴥ⁠●⁠V like I said! The little critter had no physical strength! The moment I got my teeth around the fucker's head, it was over.

I saw Zigzagoon in the past, but they looked kinda... Different? U(⁠・ᴥ・⁠;⁠)U They looked closer to the kinds they got in Galar, but not quite the same. Weird as all get out. I wasn't really paying much mind to them though because I think I showed up in the middle of a war. I'm not sure what they were fighting about. Couldn't understand a word of what their leader said to me. Shit felt like touching down in Kanto all over again. U⁠ ⁠´⁠꓃⁠ ⁠`⁠ ⁠U A damn mess, really. All I knew was they saw me kill a mythical and figured I'd be of use to their side. They were dressed in red, the other side was dressed in blue. I wound up helping them win a crucial battle and took a fair chunk of the blue leaders out in the process. All in all, I think it took a month or so, but I lost track of time real damn quick. It was just so easy to lose myself out there. The pokemon and I fought the same. Claws and teeth. We don't fully grasp our handlers, but we know we have to fight. Destroy. The praise that rained on me when their necks broke. Ain't I the weapon they needed? The weapon to end them all? Am I not death?

▼⁠・⁠ᴥ⁠・⁠▼ where was I going with this?

Oh! U⁠^⁠ｪ⁠^⁠U They gave me an egg for my efforts! All the best fighters over there had big ol' beastly pokemon by their sides so I suppose they wanted me to keep the fella. U(⁠*⁠´ᴥ｀⁠*⁠)U Be kind of rude to turn the ol' fellas down now, huh? It hasn't hatched yet, but I'm keeping a close eye on it.

After all that, they invited me to some sort of star festival. Something about a pokemon that wakes up once every some odd years? ▼⁠・⁠ᴥ⁠・⁠▼ Figured I'd oblige. While I was there, I saw this little creature taking in energy from the stars. Something... Compelled me to speak to it. I don't know what. I figured it could hear me.

I asked it to take me home.

U⁠^⁠ｪ⁠^⁠U And now we're here!! Anyways, hope this answers things!! It's a bit of a long story, but I suppose you don't seem the type to mind the ramblings of an old man. U(⁠ ⁠´⁠◡ᴥ⁠◡⁠`⁠)U

[thelittledudeok]

The Cross-Dimension Body Swap|Ch. 1

Before you read, I want you to know that this is one of the first times i've written, so please tell me if I did anything wrong. I will accept brutal honesty.

Jenny is what some people call an NPC. She has never had an original idea her whole life except for her online username. When she went to school, the only time she would talk is if the teacher called on her. Even though Jenny never cared for anything, she loved collecting loose change… pennies, preferably. 

She knew that pennies were useless, but her father collected them before he died. Before that, Jenny thought it was stupid. She wasn’t ever happy except when searching. But today she found one that instead of the usual copper, was more yellow. It said on the front, “Do Not Flip.”

It was flipped without hesitation.

--------------------------

Bob has what some people call rizz. At least 99% of the girls at the school had a crush on him. The reason It wasn’t 100, was because the other 1% were lesbian. His parents also own a huge factory to mine 2 rare resources. The first was salt. Salt was so rare, there were only 4 salt mines in the world! The other resource was some weird copper that the ruler wanted for some reason.

Don’t even think about the rich-handsome-boy-is-a-stupid-bully stereotype. He wasn’t stupid. He had only A+ grades. As for the bully part? Absolutely! That is what made everything so bad. One of his victims snuck in over the legal limit of salt(5 grains) into his cauldron while he wasn’t looking. He looked back as his pink demon-healing potion into a green…something potion.

The next thing he knew, he saw a flash of green light, and he was unconscious.

----------------------

Hatty wasn’t sad that his friend, Vase, died. If anything, he was slightly annoyed. All Hatty had to do was press a button on the Recovery Center. Vase came back, good as new! He started looking for Boot, his favorite person in this whole show! A few weeks ago, Hatty was created for the sole purpose of playing in a fun competition against other objects. The host, who was an entire deck of cards, would be arriving soon to decide who goes to what team.

Hatty heard Tire popping, so he decided to recover him. But the Recovery Center was broken! It’s okay, Hatty thought, I’ll just plug then unplug! But he didn’t find the plug. Instead, he found batteries in the back. “We need AA batteries over here!”, he shouted. He was taking the 12th battery out when suddenly he got zapped with Recovery Center electricity! This isn’t good! He’ll either survive and never die again, or die and never come back. 

Then, everything went black.

---------------------

When Jenny woke up, she didn’t feel right. Like, she was fine, but she felt different. Then she looked down and saw that she was a man.

“He’s awake! I thought I killed Bob for sure!”

She stood up and felt hi- he- the face that was being used by Jenny. When she felt pointed ears she knew what had happened. She had her body swapped with a real-life witch.

--------------------

When Bob woke up, he didn’t feel right. When he went to put a hand to his head because of a headache, he couldn’t. He had no arms. And he was a hat.

“He’s alive! I thought Hatty was dead for sure!”

He looked down at a giant boot holding him up, then a deck of cards showed up, and said to split into 2 groups of 10. That’s when he knew. He had joined an object show.

-------------------

When Hatty woke up, he didn’t feel right. Actually, he could feel more than usual. He then looked at the hands. That was attached to his body. That he could move.

“She’s alive! I thought Jane Doe here was dead!”

Hatty ran away as fast as he could away, but not before he shouted “My name is Hatty!”.

That’s when he knew. Dying permanently wasn’t that bad!

[fruit-teeth]

I had a bit of a breakthrough tonight while I was sobbing in my room and I feel compelled to share it for some reason so here I go

Lately I’ve been dealing a lot with trust issues. Specifically: I’m socially anxious and I have very few irl friends (and online friends for that matter, I’m socially anxious on here too), but a big part of that is that I tend to instantly assume that people either a) don’t like me, b) like me at first, but then realize I’m annoying and decide to stop talking to me or c) will end up hurting me in some way if I get too close to them. These fears of mine are, as I’ve come to realize, a reflection of things that actually did occur during my life.

I had a friend who I thought of as my best friend for many, many years, only to have her randomly stop talking to me and join a completely different friend group. The last time I saw her, she barely said hello to me and acted like I was just an acquaintance. That encounter upset me so badly that I remember hiding in the bathroom and trying not to cry because I was so heartbroken. Even though it’s been years since then (this happened my senior year of high school and I’m an adult now), it led to a spiral of shame, anger, and resentment that eventually led to me deciding I would never call someone my best friend again. Not only that, but that same year, I had my high school graduation party, and I’m not even exaggerating when I say that NONE, and I mean NONE of my friends or really even any of my classmates showed up. I felt extremely betrayed by this, even more so when one those friends expected me to show up to HER party (allegedly she’d had to cover a shift for a coworker at her job at the last minute, which is why she didn’t show, but I still doubt the validity of this). These weren’t the only instances, make no mistake - I’ve had other friends that mocked my interests, and even one that turned out to be a straight-up bully towards me. She made fun of me for liking My Little Pony, and there was even a horrifying moment where she mockingly imitated one of my stims as a way of ‘teasing’ me. High school was tough on its own, but a bad system of friends made it even harder than it ever needed to be.

It’s been years since then, sure, but this has really destroyed my confidence when it’s come to making and keeping friends. I worry constantly if maybe my old friends thought I was annoying and that’s why I was so easy to cast aside like nothing, so now when I get into new friendships, I hide my true personality because I’m terrified they’ll see the real me and think it’s annoying or weird. At the same time, though, when someone is being nice to me and genuinely wants to hang out with me, I always think to myself “this has to be a trap or something, this is too good to be true”. I have a very small circle of friends now, both online and in person, but even with those friends I worry that when they see me or think about me they think to themselves “oh god not Mara again”. This leads to me being very distant, which also causes these friendships to dissipate sometimes. Social interaction is already confusing sometimes thanks to being autistic, but it’s made even worse thanks to the history I have with making and keeping friends.

I started thinking over these things today and remembering all the pain, the anger, everything, and I started feeling really hopeless. I started to feel like I was going to be alone forever, because I couldn’t trust anyone to not secretly hate me or leave me when I wasn’t convenient for them anymore. But it was during this that I suddenly remembered a comment my dad had made a couple years ago: “you don’t remember every time you ate a decent apple, but you certainly remember the times you bit into rotten ones”.

And…yeah. I don’t think about all the times people were kind to me, or the times people were gentle and said nice things to me. When I think about friendships or people in general, I tend to ruminate on all the things that have gone wrong, the times I was ignored or criticized, the moments I realized someone didn’t actually care about me. This realization broke me, though I can’t really hate myself for it. My brain is trying to protect me from future heartbreak by convincing me that there’s no point in maintaining those relationships, that my heart will just get stepped on again. That’s why the negative experiences get amplified while the positive ones fall to the wayside, it’s a method of protection. But it’s a rock and a hard place - either I open myself up to trusting again and get hurt, or I keep closing myself off and hurt myself by isolating from everyone. There’s no way to truly avoid or anticipate pain, though - we can only cope with it when it happens. That’s at least one thing I’ve fully realized lately, and it was NOT an easy conclusion to come to.

The times my old friends abandoned me, mistreated me, or shattered my heart will forever live in my memory. But the times my current friends have said kind things to me, hugged me when they were happy to see me, shared their happy moments and interests with me, even told me they loved me…those are things I can’t let myself forget. Even if my brain is trying desperately to protect me from feeling pain, I know now just how important it is to counteract those anxious thoughts with the memories of what it’s like to be loved and appreciated, because that’s one thing I don’t think anyone should ever forget.

So…I guess I’m sharing this because I think I’m not the only one dealing with this. I know how difficult it is to make friends and to open yourself up to trusting others after you’ve experienced pain, but I think finding people you can trust and who will love you for you can feel very worth it once it happens. Sorry I’m not making sense because it’s very late and I need to go to sleep but I hope you understand me

[engagedtobefree]

I've been in this weird place lately. I don't know how to describe it or why I have been feeling this way. I think maybe it is a mix of things: both recent and not-so-recent events, not sleeping, and being on and off so many different medications. It's also a lot more than that.

There was two days last week where I felt the strangest. I was sitting on my bed after getting a shower, and suddenly I felt a sort of empty space beside me, as if someone should be there. I've never felt that way before. That was on the second day. The day before that I had started thinking about how misunderstood I've been lately. This has been happening online, which for the most part I've been ignoring, but more importantly it's been happening with people in my real life. In general, being misunderstood is something I've been cursed with since the day I was born, but this has been on a deeper level. I don't really know where or how to start writing about this. I guess I'll start with the biggest thing.

I didn't think I'd ever actually write about this, but I guess for my own sake, I'm going to. So there have been several times in my life where I've had an intuitive sense come from the bottom of my left ribs. It's a voice but not a voice, a feeling but not a feeling. Yet, I hear it and I feel it. It is such a deep knowing and it has always been incredibly distinguishable from any other sensation. It has given me good, bad, and neutral messages, ranging from subtle to loud to if-this-was-a-real-voice-the-whole-neighborhood-would-wake-up. The first time I ever had this feeling I was 5 or 6. I was at my dad's in Philly and was outside at night with a friend a few years older than me. A guy came walking up and he was drunk, and I heard/felt that knowing place tell me to run. He stopped in front of us and she said he was a friend of the family, and then she asked me if I was okay with him being there. I wanted to say no, but I said yes instead. Her dad called her and she said she would be right back. Next thing I knew, the man was kissing me and sticking his tongue down my throat. I shoved him away and screamed "No" then ran back to my uncle's where my dad lived. It was a really long time until I had this feeling again, and unfortunately, it was a similar message. I was at a friend's house partying with people I drank with every weekend. I just turned 21 three weeks before and we were celebrating 3 other friends turning 21, so there was a big party, maybe 20 of us. Still, I knew everyone except 3 people. One of those people turned out to be a rapist. It was my friend's neighbor, and he seemed kinda off, and then later he started following me around and I got that feeling again telling me this time I needed to get away from him. I was really drunk, to the point where I blacked out for a bit, and I kept rationalizing to myself that it would be fine because I was with friends. One person brought a large tent that sleeps around 8 people, which is where I went in to sleep. This guy followed me and nestled down next to me. We were talking, and then after a bit, next thing I know, he's on top of me kissing me. I didn't have the energy to push him off and I kept blacking out on and off. He started to undress me and I asked him to stop, that I didn't want to go any further. I had zero interest in this guy and he creeped me out. Kissing was one thing but I wasn't about to have sex with him. For a really long time, I blamed myself for what happened next. I was so exhausted that I rolled over onto my left side, with my back facing him, and I remember passing out immediately. I woke up a few hours later with my pants undone and his fingers going in and out of me. This experience was also where I learned there's not just fight or flight, there's also freeze. It took me longer than I wanted it to to get away.

The next time this knowing place reached out to me was when I got let go from my first full-time job out of college. One of the owners was, to put it lightly, bullying me, and then I had to go home and deal with abuse at home. I was having daily panic attacks because of how stressed I was. I got approved for an apartment and was supposed to sign a lease 2 days after I was let go from my job. My mom told me I was stupid if I went and signed it, but again, I had that feeling and heard that voice telling me it would work out, that I'd have a job and it would work out. I called my therapist and I remember saying to her how I felt like it was the right thing to do, to sign my lease. She said if that's what I was feeling, to listen to that, and so I did. I started my new job a week and a half before I moved into my apartment.

The fourth time I had this feeling was similar to the first two. I had a friend Rob who I worked with at my part-time job, and he asked me out pretty early on in our friendship, but I turned him down. We still became decent friends despite that. He decided to leave for Florida and while he was there, he met a woman and they were together for a bit, but then broke up. After that, he became really bitter and started saying weird things to me, things about my body that were making me uncomfortable. I told him to stop and he did, but it changed the way I viewed him. He came up to visit about a year or so after all of that happened, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to hang out and see if he was back to how he was before. He was not. We went and grabbed dinner at a diner and it felt kind of awkward for me because I could still feel this weird bitterness about him. When he dropped me off at my apartment, he walked me to my door since it was late and then he stepped inside. I remember walking to my closet and when I turned around, that knowing sensation hit me and so did Rob's energy. He had bad intentions. He had expectations. I could feel it, and that knowingness told me I needed to make him leave. This time I listened. I started talking incessantly, telling him it was late and I had work the next day, and I guess whatever else came to my mind. Thankfully, he left. We never talked again after that.

The fifth time I had that knowing voice/feeling was at my second appointment with Chris. Out of respect for Chris, I won't go into too much detail, because while I know it might be a slim chance at this point, if anything were to develop between us, he should be the first to know. I feel like I signed an NDA with him about this and yet, he has no idea lol. I can give a few details though, even though I won't be relaying the message itself. This time the message was the loudest, clearest, and most positive out of all of these experiences. I felt all of my senses draw in towards that place at the bottom of my ribs, to the point where I couldn't focus anywhere else, and the only thoughts I was able to bubble up were "me" and then "ancient". It was wild. Also, the "voice" and "feeling" were separated this time, with the "voice" coming first, and then the "feeling" coming right after. That's all I'll say about this for now.

The sixth time this happened was back in December. I already wrote about this because it had to do with my friend Craig dying. But there's a bit more to add, so I'll put it here briefly again. So his mom, Joyce, and I work in the same department. I was dropping off paperwork in her office and as I was about to close the door, she told me that Craig went into the hospital that morning. This time, the message came as a sort of rising up sensation, starting at my ribs and then quickly rising upwards like a smoke inside of me. There was a softness to it. It told me Craig wasn't going to come home from the hospital. After I regained my composure, which definitely took several beats too long, I asked Joyce what for. She told me the flu. I rationalized that he'd be fine, that people go in and out of the hospital every day. I couldn't shake the message though, because it's never wrong. It's never been wrong. This time it wasn't either. Craig died 3 weeks later. This message stumped me, because I didn't know why I got it. What was the point of telling me my friend was going to die? Was I somehow supposed to stop it from happening? If so, why did it tell me he wasn't going to make it? Craig died on January 18th, and some time towards the end of March, I finally found my answer as to why I received that message. So I've been writing a new poem every day this year, and for March, which is Irish-American Heritage month, I related all of my poems back to Ireland or my Irish ancestors (I plan to do the same for Italian-American heritage month in October). I wrote a poem titled The Banshee, which I wrote from a banshee's point of view. It struck me as kind of odd that the banshee was so feared when they were only relaying a message, giving a heads up for a death that they weren't even causing and was out of their control. It didn't seem like they even had a choice in relaying the message since they're always weeping about it. After I wrote the poem, I kept going back to it, feeling like I was missing something. I knew it was one poem I want to edit in the future, but it wasn't that sort of feeling. One night, I repeated the ending a few times over and over, sensing like the answer was there: "...remember, like you, I mourn. This lamentation is an act of love." Then it finally hit me. The reason was so simple but my overthinking completely drowned it out, yet here I was subconsciously writing the answer in one of my poems. I had wrote the poem contemplating why people didn't want the message and feared the messenger, yet there I was angry and confused because of having been given the message. The message was simply given to me out of love. It was a loving message from my soul to my physical self, giving me a heads up that his death was coming. This was the first time I've ever had to deal with a friend's death. This message was meant to soften the blow and in a way, it did. It's also crazy because banshees are only tied to families original to Ireland, and those families tend to have the last names beginning with O' or Mc/Mac. It is a given that anyone whose last name starts in one of those ways has a banshee in their family, according to Irish mythology. I have my dad's Italian last name, but my mom's last name is McAleer. I am still connected to the original settlers of Ireland by blood and have half my DNA come from someone with a last name connected to the lore of banshees, and somehow in real life, I ended up becoming both the banshee and the recipient of it's message. I cried quite a bit the night I put all of this together.

So, if anyone is actually reading this and you think I'm crazy, turns out, I might not be! I briefly tried to look up what this weird messenger system I have could be, but struggled to put it into words to get me any good search results. Then I remembered a clip from an audiobook I was going to buy and went to find it again. Here it is, so you can see I ain't no liar if you play the little clip. (It's like 5 minutes and he says it halfway through). I relistened to it last year and he briefly mentions the Hrit padma chakra, also known as the Sacred Heart. It is the place where Atman, the soul, is said to be. My experiences are literally backed up by thousands of years of Hindu philosophy. It blew my mind when I found this info. I don't know what to do with this info, if I can make these messages come more often or not, but I'm thinking there has to be some way for me to connect deeper with my literal soul. I know it's there. I have not one, not two, but SIX experiences that I can remember of getting a message straight from my soul. It must mean something too that aside from the 15 year gap between the first two, the time in between the other messages has been fairly small, with the last two happening in the same year.

I decided to start asking other people if they have had this experience. In my meditation app, there's free virtual events, and one I came across was being hosted by an Indian man, and the topic seemed like it could be connected to my experiences. So we can see the teacher, but students only have a chat box. I briefly put in my experience and he read it and then said "Oh, that's an advanced experience. Most people won't ever experience that." He went back to what he was talking about and I tried to listen, but I just couldn't focus after he said that. I first had this experience when I was a small child. I'm not a master yogi, I haven't done anything that I know of to have these experiences come to me. I didn't, and still don't, understand. Why me? Why do I have such a strong connection when others don't? I've never heard anyone talk about it before, but to be fair, I also never brought it up to anyone either aside from this one time.

I decided recently to bring it up to my good friend Ahmad, who I did both my yoga trainings with, and since he has had some pretty deep spiritual experiences, I thought maybe he'd know what I'm talking about. He didn't. I also told him about the Hrit chakra and he said he thinks there's definitely something there to think about and look into regarding my experiences. His words were comforting, but I still felt alone since he never experienced before. I also brought it up to my best friend, Stacy, and she had no clue what I was talking about. But someone at some point in history has had to have had this happen, right? I mean, if there is a philosophy about it, if someone said, "Hey, this is where the soul is" then they couldn't have just been guessing, right? They had to have had some type of experience where they knew without a doubt that the soul was located in this very specific spot. I need to do more research on it, but anyway, this is one reason why I feel kinda misunderstood. I don't think it's a good reason for me to, but somehow, me trying to connect with people about this has left me feeling a bit alone.

Another reason I've been feeling misunderstood is because of people literally misunderstanding me. This happened with my other best friend, Amanda, recently. She send me really long video stories on Snapchat, and sometimes I do the same. I was explaining some stuff to her recently that was on my mind and she didn't finish all the videos, but she also didn't seem to grasp what I had been saying. We both have ADHD, so like, I'm not holding either one of us accountable for the misunderstanding lol, but it did make me feel misunderstood again. And I have a friend who recently told me he likes me, but I don't reciprocate. He has been saying to me a lot that we just get each other and understand one another, but I have never expressed that sentiment. I share a little bit of stuff with him, but my deepest thoughts and feelings I haven't shared, and so I know his understanding of me only goes so deep. He said some really nice things about me, but then when I saw him a week and a half ago, he kept grabbing me and pulling me in for hugs, but he was doing it a bit differently, like holding my head in a way a partner would, and I thought it was weird but didn't say anything; I just stepped back and kept some distance between us. Then later on, he came at me out of left field confessing his feelings for me, and then put his hand on the center of my chest as he said I have a nice soul. I shoved his arm off of me and I think I said something too but I'm not sure because I was just so shocked. I'm really small, only an A cup, so I have more space at the center of my chest than women with larger breasts do, but even if I was as flat as a wall, it would still not be okay to touch me there. He immediately apologized, but I just kept thinking, "If you really understood me, you wouldn't be touching me like this". I generally don't like being touched by most people. I am also very awkward with it, and there are very, very few people I am okay with just touching me whenever they want. I haven't talked to him yet because I have had more pressing things to give my attention to, but I am going to have to tell him that going forward, he cannot touch me whenever he wants because I'm not okay with it. He usually asks me for a hug first, but for whatever reason, this past time, he didn't ask me about anything. In general, I am very unsure of our friendship now to be honest. There are other reasons behind this, especially in regards to a few other things he's said to me. The touching thing also leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don't want to go into everything here but might later if I feel like I need to write about it. For right now, confronting him and the situation isn't high on my list of things to do.

All of these things have been contributors in me feeling misunderstood, but I really don't know why. Not that this stuff feels, trivial, but it does seem a bit much for me to feel this way to the point of sensing an empty space next to me, like someone is supposed to be there but they're not. I have been craving more than I ever have before to be understood down to my very core, down to the essence of who I am on an otherworldly plane, and it's strange to me that just a few things have somehow manifested this feeling so strongly inside of me. Not only that, but I want to to know someone on that level too. I want reciprocation. I don't expect it to be "I know we just started getting to know one another, but I already know everything there is to know about you"; I'm not that woo-woo. But I do feel like it will be more of a discovery, more of a "This all feels familiar but I'm happy I get to relearn it all over" but that also there will be some fundamental natural understanding there at the same time. Okay, I don't have proof for any of this, but like, it just seems right? Idk how to explain it. I just know. I'm sure there's also a lot I don't know, a lot I can't predict about that kind of connection, but I do have some sort of intuitive grasp on a few things. I have been single a very long time, mostly out of choice, and I've always been good my whole life at being okay with being alone with myself. For whatever reason, now I'm not. I mean, I still am, but I am craving partnership so deeply it's like I'm foaming at the mouth for it. Not just any partnership though. If my soul was once a cloth cut into two pieces, I want to stitch myself back to that other piece of the cloth now. I feel like I'm almost ready, which is also a strange place to be when I don't have any evidence that this partnership is on its way to me.

Moving on to one more thing, hopefully briefly. Recently, I have also been missing family members who have passed. I never got to know any of my grandparents, but my Great Uncle Paul filled that role for me so wonderfully that I hardly felt their absence. He diagnosed with Dementia when I was 14 and passed when I was 18. I have been missing him a lot lately. May 20th will also make 10 years since my cousin Vincent died. His death also had a huge impact on me. He was only 2 years older than me and he always spent a lot of time at my dad's. He always would come and check in on me when I was isolating myself from everyone else because of my crippling mental disorders. I don't form attachments easily or get close to many people (which I recently learned can be common in women with ADHD), so losing my older cousin that I always looked up to was really hard.

I did the 23andme ancestry test 7 years ago, and the other night I ordered the Ancestry one so that I can compare my results. In the mean time, I get 3 months of access to records and whatnot to build my family tree, which I also started 7 years ago when I signed up for a free trial. I somehow ended up on some dashboard and a picture of my uncle Marc, my dad's brother, popped up. It was a high school year book photo. My dad is one of 8, but I could only find photos for him, Uncle Marc, and my Uncle Albert when I tried searching. My mom is 1 of 5, and I could only find my Aunt Diane on her side. My Uncle Albert committed suicide before I was born. For some reason, ever since I learned about this, I felt sad about it. I'm not sure but I think I was a kid when I first found out, so maybe it was general empathy, but that feeling never left. Seeing a picture of him made it hurt even more.

He looked so happy. My dad and I were talking about him last year and I was asking some questions. I already knew how he died, which was by jumping off a roof. He actually tried two or three times until he succeeded. This probably also added to that hurt feeling I've always felt. What a terrible way to kill yourself. My dad said he had some bad trips from taking too many psychedelics, and that contributed to him committing suicide. I think possibly though, there had to be something else going on there, but I'm not sure. I found from Googling that Hallucinogen persisting perception disorder is a thing, so that could be a possibility. He could have also just had depression. Another possibility is that he was given drugs laced with other stuff, or drugs that were not the real thing, as my limited knowledge of psychedelics goes I know that they are generally harmless, though of course there's exceptions to that since everyone reacts different to stuff. I have to reconfirm with my dad, so I will edit if this next bit is wrong, but I'm pretty sure my Uncle Albert was also a Libra like me. Libras are very smiley and bubbly people, so when something is wrong, we may hide it behind that happiness. We are happy and cheerful, even when we're not. I remember my dad saying he thinks me and Albert would've gotten along really well. Seeing his photo is really doing something to me. I've been trying not to cry about him for the past two days, but I think I might tonight. Yes, okay. Tears have started falling.

I want to add too that my dad had another brother who committed suicided, my Uncle Lenny, when I was 18. While that also makes me sad, it doesn't feel the same way that the loss of my Uncle Albert feels. I can think of different reasons why that might be, but I'm not really sure which ones are correct.

What's crazy is my Uncle Albert was the youngest, and so was my cousin Vincent. I'm not positive, but I think my Uncle Paul was too. But the photo of my Uncle Al also reminded me of Vincent, with how he was smiling and they both had glasses.

I think there is a reason connected to them as well in regards to me feeling misunderstood. I don't really know what to make of it at the moment, but I keep feeling like I need to connect with someone who is no longer here on earth right now. I think I am going to look into that.

Anyways, my heart hurts. Here's a photo of my Uncle Paul too. I wrote about him on here many years ago, but think I will write about him a bit more again soon.