#it doesnt fill me with dread
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6, 10 & 29? :)
HELLOOO
6 - 3 nice things about myself, non-physical and physical. i'll do three each! since i'm trying to be nicer to myself!
physical:
- i got glasses the other day and i think they look adorable, i love how they look on me
- i think my eyes are my prettiest facial feature, they're blue and quite round and i like how i do my eye makeup too (rose pink eyeshadow + small black eyeliner makes them stand out nicely and that's usually what people compliment :])
- i generally like my body shape. i'm working out more too and seeing myself become more flexible and toned is actually really satisfying
non-physical:
- i always try and include everyone in conversation or ask them what they were going to say if they were cut off since i know what it feels like to be excluded/feel like youre the tag-along in a friend group, or be nervous to join in
- i'm good at a range of subjects and tasks and i'm good at picking new things up quickly: new hobby every week core
- i'm a pessimist at heart but i try and make light of situations, since i know that also picks other people up (my mum always makes the worst out of things and it drags my mood down a lot so i try and be as forgiving and optimistic as possible - honestly, a lot of bad situations can be made funny with the right people and mindset. obviously sometimes frustration is warranted and unavoidable, but there's almost always a way out! having it start raining and immediately hear someone complaining for 10 minutes is kinda unecessary imo. enjoy yourself!! its fine!!)
10 - something i'm excited for
well, my friend and i are planning to go on a road trip up to scotland or somewhere similar once we get our drivers licenses and go sight-seeing! we were thinking february next year but we're still deciding
im also gonna try and bake some bread, so im happy for that :] i already bake a lot so i figured id try. also watching stuff rise is fun
29 - morning, afternoon or night
this depends heavily, but for me i stay up at night cause i want to avoid the next day and its the one of the only times its quiet, and the afternoon is a weird spot for me. i'm not really a morning person but i appreciate the morning? the sun's rising and there's still time and everything's peaceful for a little while. so i think morning.
thank you for the ask!! <33
#also man im sorry to hear that school was really shit for you#its so draining mentally and sensory wise and also physically :[#i do hope it gets better in a way#you'll make it through!!!#it wont last forever. this too shall pass etc etc#not equipped for answering#not equipped for rambling#anna#i bought myself a new plant for finally figuring out what uni course i wanna do after a YEAR. A YEAR#i dropped it once on the way home and didnt realise and had to backtrack but its ok shes home safe and repotted#still doing a bit shit mentally i wont lie but i dont feel like dying anymore#so its okay#i have faith in you!! if i can make it through so can you!!#we got this#i now have a goal. im actually? looking forward to the future a little? for what might be the first time in my life#if i get into the london uni i want ill be able to do work in cafes and museums and the library and take trains every day#and im actually. happy at the prospect#it doesnt fill me with dread#well a levels do but thats besides the point#WE GOT THISSSS
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some of you need to hate ai way more than you currently do
#i see so many tags like ‘this is ai :/ but its still cool!’ like how are you not absolutely filled with dread#how can you see what could be a beautiful image by an incredibly talented photographer-#realize it wasnt art created by a human and not immediately wanna kys#the very definition of art is HUMAN CREATION how the fuck can you stand shit with no meaning no talent no personality NOTHING#it gets fucking personal when the ai is of nature it makes me so fucking mad#mountains forests deserts oceans wildlife insects trees THERE IS SO MUCH OUT THERE AND SO MUCH YOU WILL NEVER SEE#AND BECAUSE OF THIS YOU DONT FUCKING QUESTION IF A PHOTO OF A WILD ANIMAL IS AI#YOU CANT SEE THE AI IN THE HANDS YOU CANT SEE IT IN THE ARCHITECTURE THERES NO HUMAN FLAWS TO POINT OUT#INSTEAD YOU JUST ACCEPT THAT ITS REAL BECAUSE WILDLIFE AND NATURE IS SO INCREDIBLE THAT IT DOESNT EVEN OCCUR TO YOU TO QUESTION IT#there are trees with trunks as big as houses!!!! we have only discovered 7% of the ocean!!!#nature is fucking insane and my favorite way to learn about it is through photography and i fucking HATE ai for taking that from me#GO OUTSIDE AND TAKE YOUR OWN PHOTOS OF WILDLIFE STOP FUCKING MAKING AI STOP REBLOGGING IT STOP STOP STOP#i did not make my entire college senior thesis a short film about birds of prey for you to make shitty bullshit ai images of an owl#kill yourself
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Pondering the future he wishes to uproot
#my art#oc#original#woodkid#old creak#had a talk with my brother about the future & it was gut-wrenching. my mom is stable now but the future holds no promise#he asks me to really think abt who would take care of me when the worst came true. what my future would be?#and i didnt have the heart to say that i intend to not live any longer after my mom passes away#having passive suicidal ideation for years kinda uproots your everything. you dont think abt the future bc you don't exist in the future#at least thats what i thought#the idea of having to live (survive) doesnt excite me at all. it fills me with dread. i want to be uprooted. i want to be free from the dirt#and those feelings kinda inspired me to draw this i guess#woodkid isnt suicidal tho hes positive boy lol
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I don't know about you guys but it's hard for me to get excited for there being a season 3 + 4 of Hazbin Hotel when Season One basically rushed its plot that could have already been three seasons full...
#here goes sweets off her bullshit again#Helluva Boss's decline in quality doesnt help matters lol#idk anything Hellaverse related outside of the creative parts of the fandom really just makes me fill of dread than anything#great concept poor execution#thats my thoughts on Hellaverse as a whole now#hazbin hotel critical
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There is a very specific pain and disappointment that you get from failing a driving test. If you passed first time fuck off you cannot relate to the internal disappointment and dread I felt when I failed, that shit was really something.
#driving test#i failed yesterday#new one already booked! gal doesnt give up#i knew the second i failed#and was filled with utter dread#the examiner sat in silence because he could feel my sadness radiating#however i only got 1 more minor after failing so the sadness didnt get to me too badly it seems#only 3 minors!! im fucking raging that wouldve been a perfect drive
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what the fuck they mean 'would given a five stars if...' they're thinking they went to a restaurant and the steak wasn't properly cooked? wild
Yeah, that sucked to see, but that's the culture on goodreads. You SHOULD be able to review a published book that way. If an author is asking you to spend your money on something consumable, then you have the right to leave your feedback. I'll DIE on that hill, along with the one that says authors need to stay out of reader spaces. I've certainly ripped books apart for having shitty grammar, glaring plotholes, and feeling like a first draft. That's the whole basis for #hatersbookclub
But fanfic is NOT consumable in that way. No fanfic author is asking you to spend money, nor are they doing it professionally. Its a hobby and so you get people of all skill level and ability writing in another authors sandbox. It's like a potluck- we all bring a dish, we sample others (maybe AVOID the dishes we don't like), and talk about it enthusiastically.
And I feel like there is some brain rot happening because people equate the two with, "well you put it out there for consumption-" which yeah, but not in the same way. I'm not advertising, I'm not backed by a publisher (or using my own resources to self-pub), like its just my hobby. Read it, or don't, review it or don't, but don't treat it like actual published books.
Leave it out of published spaces. I know there are some fanfic authors who WANT this, because they (maybe, I'm not in their head) feel like it's comparable to "making it" but you have to kill that voice in your head, the one that equates making art to external validation. If you want to be a published author and you're writing fanfic to hone your storytelling chops, I think that's wonderful- and don't throw us all under the bus for your singular ambition, you know?
I Know Places keeps getting put up on goodreads and I am so delighted people still love it all these years later. And I wrote that in between living my life, usually during down time at work. I wrote it, and then I hit publish and I didn't concern myself with combing through for every little typo or adhering to grammatical rules or whatever else. I just wrote what felt good based on a conversation between a friend and wanting to see how it would play out.
And it sucks to do all that work FOR FUN and see people treat it like its a published work they should be allowed to shred to pieces. Like making someone a quilt and they immediately launch into how sloppy your stitches are but then assure you they also like it. Thanks. Glad I spent the time, it sure does feel good.
Anyway, sorry for the rant. I've been keeping it to myself for weeks and it feels kind of good to let some of it out
#it doesnt flatter me for the record#it fills me with dread#i dont want to see that kind of criticism about my writing#i dont have any formal writing experience no academic training#of course its going to be amatuerish#if i were a published author i would NEVER look at any review anyone left me- i am a thinskinned baby
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am i mentally ill for still using tumblr or are the people quitting mentally ill
#tumblr is not the reason im miserable#im miserable bc i moved away from my friends and community if i stopped using tumblr it wouldnt improve that#i like the people i follow and unlike reddit opening this app doesnt fill me with dread it gives me funnies#and its less dystopian than algorithm driven social media platforms#you can still threaten someones life here its great
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tired of pretending that "sex changes" by the dresden dolls isn't a Damn Good Song
#the framing of Having Sex For The First Time as a pandora's box -- something to be dreaded --#ushering a change as irrevocable as bottom surgery --#idk it taps into a lot of the anxieties i had as a teen -- closeted and unknowingly dysphoric -- about the looming spectre of Sex#like when i was in college finally understanding that my peers were actually out there sucking n fucking --#and observing how str8 cis ppl of the gender i thought I was would act when it came to sex#& fearing that if i were to have sex it would make me Become Like Them (monstrous)#it sucked! esp as somebody who CRAVED affection and romance with an intensity available only to the touch-starved and emotionally isolated#realizing that my chances of fulfilling those desires would likely come at the cost of making myself sexually available#in the manner dictated by the gender roles of my AGAB -- which filled me with dread#and idk no other art has reflected and validated that dread from my youth quite like ''THEY ALWAYS SAY THAT SEX WILL CHANGE YOU#CHANGE YOU#CHANGE YOU''#now was amanda way the fuck out of line for using the framing of bottom surgery for shock value essentially? ofc#almost everything she says and does is out of line#cis person of all time tbh#but it doesnt change the fact that this one song goes hard on every level -- lyrical and musical and metaphorical and all those other guys#me.jpg#the discourse#blogging while trans
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im a little sad today
#i wish i was a little more functional. that i could understand integrals. that i could finish my projects on time and not get distracted or#bored or upset five minutes in. that i could write everything i want to write without getting exhausted. that i could draw everything#i wanted to without feeling dread and like. idk. maintain something? that i could keep a routine without getting tired of it immediately#that there was enough time in the day to do everything i have and want to do and also sleep and eat and drink and keep clean on time#and be like. healthy. i wish applying for school and aid didnt actively fill me with dread. i wish it didnt feel like so much effort to make#a future for myself. i wish i could be like the others i know who seem to have such a clear and light weight mind unimpeded by roadblocks#i wish i could see my family more often. i wish they would respond when i ask after them. i wish i wasnt filled with panic everytime they#dont because i know that things arent the way they were but i cant seem to let that go even though its been years. i hate that the panic#doesnt go away. i wish i was fine living without them. i wish i was fine on my own. i wish i wasnt so detached to others and that i wasnt so#attached to the ones i love. i wish things were easier and so many things feel out of sight and i KNOW thats not true. i KNOW there is#something there waiting for me and i will be taken care of. i know everything will be fine and nothing is hopeless#but still it feels that way and i hate complaining about my feelings but its not wrong to feel and i know this.#somehow the repetitiveness of my feeling makes me just as tired as if someone else was talking to me about their problems all the time#which is so stupid. idk.#delete later#hanancouldyounot
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have got to make myself a tav to get into gale's pants with
#speaking#im less intimidated by bg3 now#i think im almost done with act 2#if im incorrect and theres like. 5 more hours or some shit then i take it all back i am terrified of bg3#BUT it doesnt Feel so big now?#and the idea of going thru acts 1 and 2 again doesnt fill me with soul sucking dread#i will do it for the wizard
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i hate that duality that your mind can be your safe heaven that helps you get through some difficult things, keeps you going and brings you happiness at the worst of times. and at the very same time it could be your worst tormentor that won't let you rest and won't let you breathe, literally for no particular reason at all. and you can't leave or silence it. can't get it to stop when it gets dark in there. can't get the light in when you desperately need to feel a respite instead of suffocation.
#its so difficult#sometimes its too much to handle#yeah particularly today im just.. screaming internally#and the inability to do something YOU LOVE due to your brain having one of those bad days so everything feels fucking BAD is just so unfAIR#its frustrating#the only thing you can do is sob apparently#my room doesnt feel like my room anymore all i feel is fear and dread#i just dont understand why and how it came to this point i want out#nothing grounds me to reality or to my normal state and im afraid#instead of watch fav movie to get better ill count the duration time and decide thats its too long i dont have that much time#i will be painfully aware of numbers and wb scared of them and then ill just not move at all immobilized at place#i cant#all i could do is desperately bother my friends trying to connect to them and hiding that obvious ache#i dont have capacity to soothe myself with my favorite guys and gals from games and movies i dont feel anything at all#and i hate that but also i cant do anything im so idk what i feel like but like im not anything#i lost myself i lost my favorite things to do and my hobbies and my spark and everything i dont even know anymore#on small bad days you could conjure a good thoughts and watch somethinf and think about what makes you happy#theres a void in my head now that just counts and counts and counts and cant do nothing#i will just open up a chat w friends and look at empty textspace i want to connect so badly but i wont send anything just freeze still#i dont feel that im in here but i want badly to be here and yet i cant grasp anything to still keep myself real#and like i have a feeling that in next 2 hours I'll just vanish spmething bad will happn carcrash orso i cantbe spendin much timeon anythin#i hate this#suddenly your brain just want you dead and fills you with dread unimaginable and my dumbass thinks that it's right#that my brain is right and im inclined to believe in this shit. im not but deep down i kind of is so thats why this anxiety causes me probl#ms for the whole week i didnt done anything i just could not i want it to stop#its so sure of itself that i will pass away in couple of hours by unknown reasons that it imagined so why even try
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oh god i just realized today is my last day here....oh god
#i love the end of a phase and the beginning of a new one#totally doesnt fill me with existential dread not at all#t
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have u read it's just a light rain (but the storm's still comin') by westward on ao3 its a very good palace au that makes me go absolutely insane whenever i get the update email
I have not! I havent checked ao3 in a hot minute but i will look that one up!
#the incomplete status doesnt bother me; i dont use any real filters when scrolling through ao3#so im exposed to. everything.#so i will give it a shot#im so incredibly picky w fics that its almost Not Fun scrolling through tags anymore 😭😭😭 it fills me w dread#and palace aus are like#i think the kind of fics that give me the most ooc characters to ever exist#aside from shuake fics#like ‘did we play the same game? did we have the same choices??’ fhjdndkdjdk#anyway i will update this when (if) i get through this 😌
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my mood has plummeted the past few days because of various anxiety reasons and so ive once again uninstalled twitter on my phone and i can already feel things getting Infinitely Better™️
#like the dread that hits me every time i open that app#because of all the nonsense happening in the world#like i can only take so much national and world news#about how the goddamn whole of humanity is fucked#because of some pieces of literal excrement in power#before my brain explodes#please let me pretend for a while that elon musk doesnt exist#and that people arent in a constant war for basic human rights#please like just for this month so i can remember what it feels like to be filled with holiday cheer
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...
#tomorrow is the day the measurements start. the start of my 40+ days of torment. but idk im glad its finally here#i dont have to dread it anymore. hopefully its the last time i have to do these type of measurements#i was talking to my boss yesterday and she was like: oh last timr we were out i realized this might be ur last time doing lpi for thr rest#of ur life. and i was like god i hope so. bc thats a process where i crawl across the ground for 50m per transect and identify all the#plants and soil cover and for the life of me i cant fucking remember plant codes. i hate it bc i basically have to talk for like 3hrs and#have someone standing over my shoulder recording me and all the while my brain is screaminf at me bc field work doesnt count as real work#in my stupid brain. so yea ill do lpi and soil stability as benign torment in purgatory#but anyway. im hesitantly optimistic abt the measurements i have to take bc im going to try my best to make it ok bc i have school#interviews looming and i have to pretend im hanging on by more than a single thread ya kno#so we r going to b careful abt it. well at least well see how long it lasts. i also have tk find the time to read a bunch before interviews#while my brain is completely fried idk how. and do other lab stuff. sigh...#idk im probably going to take measurements all the way thru sunday and then monday see if i can fill out patent intake info with a psy#psychiatrist. and hope they take my insurance. i called and checked for providers and they were the only one in the area so shoulf b ok but#ya kno. god im barely a functional person. like the fact that i have to drive 8min down the road is very nearly enough for me to say fuck#it. id rather suffer forever. i just hate driving so much :-P#i just wish i could focus enough to make words make sense and justify the time i spend to learn things. agh#lmao im such an anxious person. a lab mate had a birthday today and my boss and a fellow lab member surprised her with a cake#and im v worried abt when my birthday happens. it wasnt so bad last time bc another birthday was also that week so the focus was off me a#lil but with my boss leaving this school i was like. yes. i escape the surprise gathering. but probably not. same for when i leave#genuinely i do not want a gathering. i just feel like im waiting for them to end. not that i dont like my lab mates but idk it feels so#artificial. and i feel awkward bc i never make eye contact or look at anyone in a way i think is typical bc i see ppl look at me#like turn their head to see my reaction to something and i just like fundamentally do not understand that impulse#whatever. what i want for my birthday or going away is to not attend the gathering. make it more like a wake lol#but i kno that wont happen. last year my boss asked whst i wanted and i said nothing and she said that wasnt allowed#im just so neurotic that if u try to do anything for me itll prob just upset me. but idk ppl like to give presents and stuff#and sometimes things arent all abt me. so i just gotta accept it and go cry abt it later#but thats like 3 months away so i dont kno why im so stressed abt it now. I've got more pressing things to stress abt#unrelated
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full on vent.
I am a broken wretch of a creature. an uncanny freak that unsettles those around me. even those who love me. I don't process things right. I speak flat or with anger. my voice sounds wrong, off, I don't move right or look the same. it makes the hair on their neck raise. my hackles raise at touch. I don't feel love like others. I don't want to touch romance but. I do want comfort. love. why can't I feel right. why can't I reciprocate properly. and why in the fuck do I have to be in the body of a more normal man that people like and actually want to be around who is so deeply full of romantic love?? so I am so much more unsettling when I am here. what a sick fucking joke. I'm a sick fucking joke.
#fruitpost#not that thats me. im a different guy. a science experiment monster freak of a guy.#took a regular guy#scooped out all its insides#filled it up with thumbtacks & gristle & sharp teeth & a creeping sense of dread#whatever#vent#fruitvent#again. not me. but just for filtering purposes. if anyone doesnt wanna see this. idk if im gonna Actually Front. i need a tag. whatever. idk#🌵
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