#because id have my own money. idk ugh whatever whatever whatever whatever life will never be as easy for me as it is for others

[mbat]

my wow subscription ran out literally earlier tonight and i let it on purpose because its my dads money and i dont wanna spend it all, and i always feel so obligated to make the most of it when i do have subscription, so i always just play the game and do basically nothing else blah blah blah

and anyway i obviously enjoy my time on the game, but i get so exhausted of it by the end of the month. i want to play other games and do other things and not have this feeling like im wasting my dads money

my brother, on the other hand, who has always been interesting about money, insists that its only 15 dollars and i simply shouldnt feel obligated to spend all my time on the game.

if it was my own money, i wouldnt care about 13-15$ a month. but its not my money. and my dad acts like if he has to spend his money on anyone but himself, that hes going to be so broke that he wont be able to afford existing until next payday. even when its not at all true.

but because theres this whole felcycle secret going on right now, my brother is INSISTING i need to get my sub back for it. i was lucky to have it for the pet battle shit, but im severely hoping there wont be anymore stuff hidden behind subscription mechanics. honestly, if there is, im probably just going to give up. fomo is a capitalist tool and i really dont feel like spending more money just to get a fictional item that i cant hold in my hands. whatever

my brother is 2 things. hes someone who doesnt know how to take no for an answer, and hes someone whos very unaware of the feelings of people around him unless its an actually serious situation.

so me saying that i hope i can finish this without needing more sub makes him respond with 'you know they dont give a single fuck about you if you arent paying them money, right? theyre totally gonna have more stuff behind the paywall and youre going to need to pay 15$ to get it. its just 15$, just get it lol' and i dont know how to express how much my insides are on fire with irritation

i try saying 'its about more than the 15$' but i know he wouldnt understand my reasons, so why bother telling

[rawcbwzx-blog]

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[blatherkatt]

Title: The Calm Is Terrifying When The Storm Is All You Know [Homestuck]

Chapter 33: Declarations 

Summary: There were two kinds of trolls who went to Earth: rich shitheads with too much money and free time, and desperate assholes who couldn’t survive on Alternia, even with the best efforts of the young Condesce. Karkat hated the planet almost immediately, but with his home planet too dangerous for mutants, he really didn’t have any choice but to hide out on this weird little diurnal planet. At least he’d be safe. Or so he thought, right before blundering his way into an accidental friendship with the son of an anti-troll terrorist.

Rating: M

Chapter Warnings: Implied/Mentioned abuse, mentions of terrorism, death mention, injury mention, depiction of an emotional breakdown, trauma aftermath; Illustrated; Pesterlog

FIRST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

— carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling tipsyGnostalgic [TG] —

CG: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

— tipsyGnostalgic [TG] is an idle chum! —

CG: FUCK YOU, I CAN SEE THAT FOR MYSELF, YOU PIECE OF SHIT PROGRAM. I’M GONNA FUCKING YELL ANYWAY.

CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO PICK ME UP AT NOON. IT’S LIKE, 1:30 AND YOU STILL AREN’T HERE, WHAT GIVES?

CG: IF YOU GOT KIDNAPPED, TOO, I SWEAR TO FUCK I’M PERSONALLY PUTTING THIS ENTIRE GODDAMN FAMILY UNDER PERMANENT WATCH.

CG: I’M NOT ABOVE SITTING ON YOU ASSHOLES IF THATS WHAT IT TAKES.

TG: okay first off i know youre like a literal alien but heres a protip for ya:

TG: general human earth etiquette is to not text people who you know are probably driving?

TG: its like a whole thing

CG: WHY

TG: idk probs because texting while driving’s a great way to fucking crash lol

TG: anyway!!

TG: yeah im real sorry about that mom fucking rang me up like

TG: hi im at the airport come get me!

TG: out of fucking nowhere because everything has to be a fucking hassle with this woman

TG: so i had to go get her

CG: WHY THE FUCK WAS SHE AT THE AIRPORT?

TG: because fuck me is why

TG: and THEN shes like

TG: ooooh i gotta do some mysterious whatthefuckever errand at some mall out in the middle of nowhere

TG: so now im sitting in the parking lot waiting for her to get back which might be a while because her bad leg’s been acting up lately

TG: and thats why im not there yet >:(

CG: WAIT. WAIT, HOLD ON, I’M CONFUSED.

CG: BY “MOM” ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RACHEL? I DIDN’T EVEN THINK SHE HAD A BAD LEG.

TG: nonono

TG: ray is like. dirk and dave and rose’s mom

TG: i dont call her mom i just call her aunt ray cuz shes not my mom yknow

TG: my mom is aunt ray’s sister

TG: aunt ramona? they talk about her?

CG: OOOOOOH. YEAH.

CG: THE WOMAN WHO WRITES THOSE SHITTY SUPERNATURAL ROMANCE BOOKS KANAYA LOVES.

TG: hahaha yeah her trashy shit is great

CG: SHE’S HERE?

TG: apparently!!!!!!!!

CG: I’M SENSING SOME BITTERNESS.

TG: ugh its fine she just always does shit like this

TG: womans always gotta make a fuckin entrance even if that means not telling anyone shes coming

TG: and its goddamn annoying as shit!!

TG: but its fine i get it shes here to help out and we are kinda all hands on deck

TG: speaking of tho i heard something about kanaya not coming along after all?

CG: NOT YET, NO.

CG: SHE’S BEEN TALKING TO ROSE, AND APPARENTLY DAVE’S BEEN PRETTY UNEASY WITH THE NUMBER OF NEW FACES AT THE HIVE.

CG: HOUSE. WHATEVER.

CG: TEREZI’S PROTECTION DETAIL HAS HIM KIND OF ON EDGE, I GUESS?

CG: SHE’S GONNA COME AROUND LATER PROBABLY. AND MIGHT END UP STAYING WITH PORRIM AND KEEP IT TO VISITS, AT LEAST UNTIL THINGS SETTLE DOWN A BIT.

CG: SO IT’S JUST ME FOR NOW.

TG: ooooh yeah geez i bet

TG: poor dave :( :( :(

TG: i gotta tell you and mom some uh. serious shit about him when i pick you both up

TG: id pass it on here but its probs better if i just tell you face to face?

CG: OH, WONDERFUL!

CG: MORE NO DOUBT HORRIFIC NEWS REGARDING DAVE.

CG: I CAN’T WAIT. THIS PANIC ATTACK’S GONNA BE ONE FOR THE RECORD BOOKS, I CAN JUST FEEL IT!!!

TG: :(

TG: tl;dr hes not in great shape but hes getting better but theres some stuff we gotta go over

TG: jfc mom what the fuck are you doing its been ages

CG: SO WAIT. SHE JUST HAD YOU DRIVE HER OUT SOMEWHERE AND WALKED OFF ALONE?

TG: yeah

TG: woman can take care of herself just fine so like im not worried??

TG: but still, like. cmon woman!!! whatever it is hurry up a little

TG: it cant be that important we got places to be

In terms of location, it was almost an outlet mall; somewhat detached from the nearest city and surrounded by forest. It was mostly all one building, positioned in a dip in the ground next to a clear stream, and these features had helped make it a serviceable fortress during the invasion, although Derek had regularly complained that he’d have preferred a site that held the high ground. Still, they’d made do; the roof was high enough that one could see for quite some distance, the stream offered fresh water, the trees provided decent enough cover during skirmishes, and the walls were thick enough to turn away most weather and weapons. It hadn’t been much, but it had served well enough as home for six years for around threescore ragtag survivors-turned-fighters.

Out in the surrounding forest, those who hadn’t survived that conflict still lay buried in pitiful graves marked only with a stone or a chunk of wood. There hadn’t been time to properly put anyone to rest; it had been risky enough for two or three people to slip out during a stretch of quiet with a shovel and a body. They simply hadn’t been able to afford to have any sort of formal burial, not with the threat of an attack constantly looming.

Even so, even so…

Derek had picked a spot he would remember.

In life, the oak tree would have been the kind people would have thought of as a monarch, with branches spread wide and gnarled wood ancient and strong, holding children in its branches as easily as if they were made of nothing; but the tree had already been dead by the time the invasion started, a great, ancient, dried-out husk. Even so, decades later, it still stood, its branches reaching toward the sky, the other trees forming a circle around it as though too respectful to come too close. Mushrooms and trails of greenery crept about a quarter of the way up the ancient trunk.

At its roots, a rotting wooden spar stuck up out of the ground. This, too, had been reclaimed by flowers, grasses and mushrooms, decorating the splintered and decayed timber with dark summer greens and pale white-and-lavender blooms.

Derek Strider, down on one knee with his sheathed sword held in his right hand, sighed. Of course, the trouble with having to bury the dead so hastily meant that there’d been no one to look over the graves, so it was to be expected that it be in such disrepair, but even so, seeing this one choked out by the invading flora was…

It wasn’t right.

Overhead, the ancient branches rustled slightly, and the raucous calling of a bird broke the silence. Derek narrowed his eyes and ignored it, tried to write the disrespectful noise out of the scene.

The crow seemed to have other ideas. The bird lighted down on the wooden grave marker, red eyes fixed on Derek’s face. It flapped its wings a few times, cawing incessantly. Derek scowled, unsheathed his sword, and struck —

The blade passed through the bird with no resistance whatsoever. The creature’s body split in two, bloodlessly, as though Derek had cut through smoke — it even looked like smoke, like a cloud cut in two by a passing jet. As Derek looked on, uncomprehending and with a growing sense of dread, the bird’s body seemed to pull itself back together, a video played in reverse, and the bird’s accusatory squawks started up again as though nothing had happened.

Derek was on his feet in an instance, stepping away from the beast, and as he did, he happened to look up…

Perched on nearly every branch of the old tree were ravens. Unlike the crow, they were all silent, and aside from the occasional shifting of a foot or tilting of a head, motionless. Scores of staring animal eyes bored into him.

Derek had never been a superstitious man, but nor was he the sort of fool to ignore the truth his own eyes showed him. He’d spent six years fighting alongside a witch, and seen enough to learn that some things really couldn’t be explained away as coincidence.

Had it been anyone else, he would have responded to the sound of footsteps approaching this site with a furious attack; even Ben knew better than to disturb him here. But when he whirled to face the intruder, he froze.

She’d aged more since he’d last seen her than he would have expected. Hints of silver streaked her hair, and she leaned heavily on her gnarled black cane. A faint breeze stirred the black fabric of her dress, playing with the light shawl laying across her shoulders. The crow had fallen silent.

“Put that thing away before you take someone’s eye out,” said Ramona, nodding nonchalantly at Derek’s sword.

Derek narrowed his eyes, and did not respond aloud, instead choosing to slowly and deliberately slide the sword back into its sheathe. Only after his left hand had returned to his side did Ramona nod and continue.

“That’s better,” she said. “Now we can talk things over like reasonable adults. Mind you, I ought to do the world a favor and wipe you out right now,” and Derek took a slow, deep breath at that, as she continued, “But I’d prefer not to desecrate your brother’s grave by staining it with your blood. I respect him far too much for that. You, however, have somehow managed to exceed all of my worst expectations to a nearly unfathomable degree, as of late. I’ve held off on this confrontation out of respect for the past, but I can see now that this was a mistake.”

Derek shifted. “Everything I’ve done has been to protect our damn planet, Ramona,” he started, but was cut off.

“Really?” she said, “Well, then. I’m not about to attempt to ask you to cease killing trolls, as we both know that would be pointless, but I would very much like to know how exactly burning your own son alive plays into your grand battle strategy?”

“He…he turned on us,” Derek said, through gritted teeth, “He forced my hand, left me no choice!”

“He is a child!” Ramona snapped. “And you, of all people, should know better! If you really must follow this path of self-destruction to its end, fine, but he should never have been involved!”

“I—”

“And in any case, you had a perfectly good sword on hand, I’m sure. If young Dave really did need to die, you could have executed him with minimal pain, but no, you wanted him to hurt, to know he was dying and to fear you and suffer as he passed. How do you justify that, Derek? How does anyone, especially a child, deserve anything of the sort?”

The eyes of the ravens and that damned crow still drilled into him. He could feel the stares on his back, but kept his eyes locked on Ramona’s, refusing to back down.

He wasn’t going to take back what he’d done. There’d be no guilt, he’d done nothing wrong except overreact a bit. It was justified. That…that boy wasn’t Dave. Ramona was using the name like a blade, but she’d not win that way. He didn’t deserve the fucking name, didn’t deserve to have anything to do with Dave, he never would have let Rachel name the kid that if he’d known he was going to grow up to be such a pathetic, useless little coward.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you,” he said.

“No, I suppose you don’t,” said Ramona, folding her hands over the top of her cane. “I’ve a fairly good idea, in any case.” She sighed. “The war is over, Derek. The time to put aside this violence and misery is long since behind us. Our children do not deserve to grow up as we did.”

“The trolls are still here,” Derek spat.

There was a long silence. Ramona sighed again.

“Fine, then,” she said, “So be it. Do as you will. Chase violence as long as you like. But if you come near my family again, I will consider it an act of war.”

She turned, and he was tempted to take the bait, to try attacking her while her back was turned, but he held still. It was infuriating, knowing what a pointed insult turning her back on him was, knowing that she knew he would not risk attacking her—but she was right. She was much too dangerous.

“Come along, little one,” she said, abruptly. The crow rose off the grave and flew to land on top of Ramona’s cane. If Derek had cared to pay any attention, he might have noticed the crow look back at him with something like regret in its eyes, but Derek was already far too lost in his own thoughts.

As one bird, the ravens took wing, dispersing in all directions, leaving him alone again.

The trouble with trying to go from Alternian to English was a multifaceted one, to be sure, but so far the most obnoxious piece of it that Karkat could see was the tendency of guides on how to speak English to simply use the closest Alternian equivalent as an English word’s translation. More and more, the two languages were notably extremely different, and while he could speak English well enough that he’d never had any serious problems, there were any number of words that he kept tripping over as a result of a translation being extremely unclear and culturally misleading.

Witches, for instance, were clearly something very different on Earth. The Alternian word that was translated to English as “witch” was, like most Alternian words, a series of noises in the ‘click and growl’ family that most humans lacked the anatomy to create, and generally refered to certain lowblood prophets and healers in Alternian folklore. They were those who lived away from society and who, through some lucky genetics and convenient psychic powers, were able to fend of drones and effectively disappear from the world at large’s knowledge. They kept to themselves, sought to harm no one who didn’t attack them first, offered shelter to the weak and the hunted, and as such were always portrayed as utterly despicable beings in fiction, as no writer with any sense of self-preservation had dared to portray such reckless treachery under the rule of the last Condesce. There might have been some changes to the lore under the new one’s rule, but things like that changed slow.

In any case, they certainly weren’t anything like the old woman in a shawl who was sitting next to Roxy in the front of her car.

She was dressed all in black, for one thing. Alternian witches didn’t tend to wear much black. Some Alternian witches didn’t tend to wear all that much clothing at all, really. Most seemed to belong to ancient religions that weren’t particularly fond of shirts.

Ramona was definitely magic as shit, though, Rachel’d been right about that much. Was that all a witch was on Earth, just someone with magic? Fuck, if that were the case, then probably like at least a third of all trolls were witches by Earth’s standards. Then again, maybe magic was another poorly translated word? English didn’t seem to have a word to separate “things that we (read: trolls) know exist, like psychic powers and psiionics and ghosts and chucklevoodoos,” and “things that are super fake and don’t actually happen ever and make no sense.”

Whatever. In any case, Ramona didn’t look at all like Karkat had expected, and when he climbed into the back of the car, she didn’t react to his presence with anything stronger than an amiable nod. She seemed to have her mind on other things, and was largely silent at first.

Roxy wasn’t; she immediately piped up happily as Karkat swung open the door with a “Hey, man! Sorry about taking so long! Can you, uh, do me a favor and check on Jaspers? He’s in the carrier behind Mom, Rose asked me to pick him up while she and Aunt Ray were gone. He’s been missing them a lot, all staring out the window and kneading his blanket and shit, and he’s not a huge fan of car rides.”

“He’s asleep,” Karkat said after glancing into the little crate.

“Awesome. Alright, buckle up and we’ll get this damn show on the road.”

“On the road again, just can’t wait to get on—”

Karkat tilted his head as the car’s radio abruptly changed from quietly playing some human pop song over to something much louder and completely different. Ramona stifled a snort as Roxy stabbed a button, switching the radio back to the previous channel.

“No, thank you,” she said, glaring. “Christ, the fuck is with this thing today, I swear to god.”

“I suppose it may simply be getting into the spirit of things,” said Ramona with a smile. As the car pulled away from the curb, she turned back a bit to face Karkat. “It’s Karkat, isn’t it? Rachel’s been sending me any number of emails with updates, and from the sound of things, you’ve been rather instrumental in bringing young Dave back into the fold, so to speak.”

“…Into the what?”

“It’s a figure of speech, meaning in this case that you’ve helped us return him home as well as helping him to adjust to being there,” she said. “For which you have all of our heartfelt thanks. Ours is perhaps not the most functional of families, but it  is ours, and as I’m sure you’ve seen firsthand, ripping away a piece of it the way Derek did has had some very painful consequences for all involved. We owe you a great deal.”

“Yeah, man!” Roxy said. “And from what Rose has been telling me, you were kind of a big part of why he finally spilled what he knows. Which, he did bee-tee-dubs, which means he’s off house arrest finally, so that’s good—”

“—And a partridge in a pear tree,” the radio crackled.

“What the fuck? It’s August,” Roxy scowled. She turned the radio off altogether as Ramona glanced hurriedly out the window.

“Speaking of Dave,” Karkat said, hopefully before anyone got distracted again, “Roxy, you mentioned that there was something that you needed to say face to face?”

“Right, shoot, yeah,” said Roxy. The car turned onto the long road that led eventually to the Lalonde hive. “Okay, so, like. There’s definitely some shit you should know before we get there, but I wanna preface it all real clearly by saying that Dave’s okay, y’know? He’s got a lot of healing to do, but the doctors said that as long as he’s looked after and we change bandages and shit and he gets plenty of rest, he’s definitely not in any danger anymore. He’s…weak, but he’s not like gonna keel over at any moment, okay?”

“Not actually making me feel any better, Roxy!” said Karkat. Oh, boy, with a preface like that…

“Well, fuck, I tried, I guess. Uh. So, Dave did get hurt…pretty bad, and there were some other complications—oh, for fuck’s sake!!”

“Watch me, watch me, hey, watch me, watch me!” The radio was louder than ever. Ramona’s hand flew up, poorly hiding a grin.

Karkat leaned around Roxy’s seat to glare at her.

“What the fuck, Roxy,” said Karkat.

“I’m not doing this!” Roxy said, waving her hand wildly. “I swear to fuck, I wouldn’t! I really do need to pass on some shit about poor Dave, and the radio’s never done this before? It’s been acting up since a little before we picked you up, keeps changing on its own and shit, augh!”

She fought with the controls, but the song stopped only for a moment before getting even louder.

“Why the fuck do you humans even have this obnoxious song?! Who listens to this?? It’s literally just some squawking wiggler screeching for its lusus’s attention!”

“I mean, I kinda love it for that honestly, it’s terrible and stupid and wonderful, but like, come the fuck on??? What’s with this thing?! Now is not the time!”

“Ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass ass—“

“GOD, that’s even worse!!” Roxy yelled, slamming her fist down on the dashboard. “Fucking stop!!”

“That’s enough for now,” Ramona said, almost murmuring it.

The radio turned off. Karkat and Roxy both turned a suspicious eye on Ramona, and with equal simultaneity, decided to drop it for now.

“Anyway,” Roxy said slowly, “What I was trying to say is, um…Karkat, do you know what it means for someone to ‘flatline?’ Because, um. Dave kinda did, for like, a minute and a half.”

Karkat shook his head, realized Roxy probably couldn’t see him with her eyes on the road, and said, “Uh, I have no idea what that word means, no.”

“Well, um…”

“It refers to a heart monitor indicating that the heart has ceased beating,” Ramona said. “The machine indicates activity with a line which shows peaks and valleys, and it goes flat when that activity has stopped, thus, ‘flatline’. The organ we call a heart serves an equivalent function to what trolls call a ‘blood pusher’ or a ‘pump biscuit.’”

Karkat felt for a moment like his own pump biscuit had stopped.

“Shit, Mom, when did you get so good at translating to trolls?” Roxy murmured.

Ramona shrugged. “I’ve made efforts to reach out,” she said. “The war ended, after all, and since we’re allies now, it doesn’t hurt to learn about each others’ cultures.”

“His fucking—What?!” Karkat screeched, unable to keep the harsh buzzing whine out of his voice. God, that was such a moirail noise, and any other time he’d have yelled at himself for not keeping it under control, but not now, not when… “His fucking blood pusher stopped and I’m supposed to be calm!?!”

“They got it moving again!” Roxy said. “He’s okay now, the doctors said it was going strong! It was, um, mostly just exhaustion, they think? Like, the burn wounds could’ve killed him on their own, sure, but they got on those quick enough that if he’d been healthy to begin with he probably wouldn’t have been so bad off? But between ten years of, you know…and just, apparently he hasn’t been eating enough even while he’s been back with us? And Ray’s gonna get on his ass about that, but, just—look, the thing is, Dirk doesn’t know about this yet, and Aunt Ray’s asked that we try to keep it that way, and I don’t really get why but I think she has her reasons?”

Karkat was definitely hyperventilating, oh fuck, oh fuck—Ramona’s hand reached back to touch his own, snapping him out of it.

“It’s fine to be worried,” she said, gentle. “I promise you, though, it is as Roxy says: he’ll be fine given time to recover and the safety with which to do so. He’ll be alive when we get there.” She sat back in her chair, turning towards the road again. “As for Dirk, I suspect Rachel is waiting for things to settle down before breaking it to him gently. He is, for better or worse, very like his father, and Derek handled his brother’s death poorly, in large part because at the time we could not afford to mourn. Rachel probably wants to make sure that Dirk does not feel he has to force himself to be strong when she tells him.”

“Makes sense, I guess,” Roxy muttered. “Anyway, the main thing about that is that he’s not got a lot of energy right now, so don’t…take it personally if he just falls asleep on you sometimes? Especially with the painkillers he’s on, apparently that’s a side effect, too. He can walk short distances, but he gets wobbly quick and needs help sometimes, so there’s that too.”

“Fuck,” said Karkat, softly.

The next ten minutes of the ride were carried out in tense silence. This was broken by the radio once again bursting back on and blasting the ass song again, at which point Roxy threatened to pull over and smash the fucking thing to smithereens.

By the time they actually got to the fucking house, Karkat felt like his soul was going to vibrate right out of his fucking body with impatience. They had yet another delay in the form of Terezi’s protection detail—Terezi herself wasn’t there, but some officers were, and they insisted on knowing about any weapons the three of them had as well as names, and went in to check with the family while making them all wait outside by the car. Karkat already had his fucking bag in hand, he was ready to go, but no, they had to go through this tedious procedure! Sure, it was probably a smart move, and when he was feeling a little more sensible he’d be more okay with it as it was the sort of thing that probably would make them all feel a bit safer (especially poor fucking Dave), but right now the were a pain in the ass and he was going to fucking explode!!! If they didn’t!!! Let him get in the fucking hive!!!!!

Rose stepped out as they were still talking to the police, and for the first time in his life Karkat was unspeakably happy to see her. She quickly confirmed to the police that all three of them were in fact expected and trusted by this household, and then gently let Jaspers out of his carrier. The cat immediately yowled and threw himself into her arms, kneading at her shoulders and rubbing his face against hers, and it all would have been super cute if Karkat didn’t have his mind on other fucking things.

“Come on in,” Rose said, nodding towards the door. “Dirk’s on the couch and Dave’s in Mom’s room, as neither of them can handle stairs right now and Dave needs his bandages changed at least twice a day. Karkat, do you—”

She was talking to air. He was already in the fucking door.

And then had to face the fact that he’d never actually been to Rachel’s room. Fuck. Rachel was coming up the hall, though, and a slightly bewildered young human (wait, fuck, that was Dirk, what happened to his hair? It looked so weird hanging down like that instead of spiked up) was sitting on the couch with an Earth husktop on his lap. Roxy pushed in the door with Ramona right behind her, dropped a heavy wheeled bag right next to the door, and immediately launched herself at Dirk, who gave a startled yelp as she did so.

Rachel rested a hand on Karkat’s shoulder as she passed him, rushing up toward Ramona throwing her arms around her shoulders. The two shared a long hug, and Rachel kissed Ramona’s cheek.

“God, I’m so glad you’re here,” Karkat heard Rachel murmur, before Rose tapped his shoulder.

“I was asking if you knew where Mom’s room is,” Rose said.

“Uh.”

“It’s down the hall to the observatory, but you take a left before you get to it. Make sure to make plenty of noise on the way over, Dave gets really jumpy when he’s the only person in that room. He can’t block the door since we need to be able to come in and out, and it’s got him a bit on edge.”

Karkat nodded, unable to get any words out past the lump in his throat. He more or less just dropped his bag on the ground and pushed past, zooming around toward the room indicated. Dave looked half-asleep when Karkat pushed the door open, and waved as he sat up with some effort.

God, the photo Rose had taken didn’t do justice to how fucking bad he looked. There were bruises across his face and neck turned a weird greenish-gray but still dark against his skin, and bandages everywhere, his hair was a mess (although that might have just been from sleeping). He was in some oversized shirt with an Earth hoofbeast on the front that was probably Dirk’s judging by the size, and Karkat had no idea why Dave had it on but right now he didn’t care.

“Hey, man, uh. Shit’s been crazy, huh?” Dave said with an awkward grin. He didn’t have his shades on either, which made sense if he’d been sleeping, except they weren’t on the bedside table (which did instead contain a nearly empty glass of water, several bottles of pills and salves, and a first aid kit from which clean cloth bandages overflowed).

Two weeks of emotion boiled over all at once. Wordless, Karkat stomped across the room and grabbed Dave’s stupid fucking shirt in both hands and tugged him close.

“It was three days, Dave,” Karkat hissed.

“Wha—?”

“Three days! And you got yourself fucking kidnapped by a terrorist on day goddamn two!! What the fuck, Dave?!” His voice was threatening to abandon him, but Karkat forced it right back into place by sheer willpower. This tangent would not be fucking stopped, hell no. “I take my eyes off of you for two days, and you get yourself into shit again! What the fuck!!! Do you have any idea how-how fucking agonizing it’s been waiting for news?! And you’re just sitting there like ‘Oh, hey! What’s up?’ What’s up is my foot up your waste chute, you hopeless fucking—!” Okay, nope, his voice was leaving after all, actually. He felt tears roll down his face, and he should’ve been more worried about that, but Dave already knew about his blood color and he was the only troll in the house right now, so, fuck it, fuck it all! Helpless, he tugged Dave closer again, letting his face press against that stupid shirt, claws still twisted into the fabric as he sobbed.

“Holy shit,” Dave muttered.

“I was so fucking scared,” Karkat gasped. This was pathetic, they weren’t remotely a couple, Karkat had no right to be this worked up and he knew it, but…Dave wasn’t exactly pushing him away, either, was he?

“I’m sorry, man, I didn’t even…It wasn’t planned this time, it just sorta happened, and Dirk got hurt, and I…”

“I’m not actually angry at you, despite having so much right to be that legislacerators everywhere have preemptively declared me innocent. I’m just fucking screaming for the sake of it, dumbass.”

“Oh.”

The awkward pause that followed was filled with only the sound of Karkat’s weeping, which, fuck, he was probably too fucking embarrassed to tell him off. Except…Dave’s hand lifted up to rest gently against Karkat’s back, so, maybe he didn’t mind that much? Was that wishful thinking?

“Sorry for this,” he said, just in case, as he pulled away a bit. “It’s really fucking embarrassing, I know, I just…”

“It’s cool, man,” said Dave. Then, with a wink, he said, “I know you got your massive Strider homocrush, it’s only natural—”

“Dave, I swear to fuck, injured or not, I will pummel you into dust with a fucking pillow, don’t test me!” Karkat snapped.

Dave snorted. “Hey, man, it’s fine, everyone’s allowed to be a lil gay sometimes with their friends, it’s only natural.”

“I’ll ‘natural’ you!! Motherfucker, I spent the two weeks worrying about your wellbeing and you come at me with more of this bullshit!!”

Dave cackled with laughter. Karkat rolled his eyes and sniffled. He feigned annoyance as best he could, but, God, it was such a relief to hear Dave laugh. Rubbing a sweater sleeve furiously across his eyes, Karkat pulled back, sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed. “Okay, but seriously, what’s with the shirt?” he asked, gesturing at the floating head of the hoofbeast. It wasn’t even a joke or a drawing. It was just…a straight photo of a hoofbeast’s face, with no text or explanation of any sort. What the fuck??

Dave glanced down, and snickered. “Oh, shit. Uh, yeah, we needed something that’s easy to get me in and out of, since the bandages on this fuckin’ burn need to be changed like, a lot, not to mention the gross-ass cream they have us slathering all over it on the regular. We tried a button down, but the buttons were kinda chafing, and like…who the fuck wants to ruin a fancy shirt with gross burn juices, right? And Dirk’s shit is more comfortable, and this one’s big enough that it’s real easy to take off even if I’m high on the damn painkillers.”

Karkat winced slightly, but decided not to comment. The scream from the video echoed somewhere in his think pan. “Where’re your shades?”

“Bro fuckin’ stepped on them or something, man, I dunno. They fell off at some point, and they were already cracked before all that, and Terezi just found pieces. Which fucking sucks, I mean God dammit, those were a gift from John. Shit sucks.”

“John?” Karkat tipped his head.

“Yeah, he’s like, an old friend of mine. Have I not mentioned him to you? Whatever, he, uh.” Dave scratched at the side of his head. “He was an online friend from before Bro started doing the, uh, raid shit, and I kept talking to him and another friend, Jade, for a while afterwards even though I wasn’t supposed to?”

“Jade’s name I remember,” Karkat said.

“Haha, yeah, yeah cuz I told you about…anyway.” He cleared his throat. “I guess since Dirk’s college is starting up again soon, not that he’s going for the first couple weeks with his leg and a fucking concussion, but, it’s starting up, and John’s sister goes there too, and he’s gonna come with so we’ll be able to hang out for a bit? Which is fuckin’ rad, I haven’t even talked to the guy in three years and we’re finally meeting in person.”

“You want him to be here? While you’re this badly injured?” Karkat yelped.

Dave blinked at him like he’d just grown a secondary head.

“I mean, yeah?” Dave said. “Like, yeah, I’m not in great shape and I guess it’ll be a lil weird for him to see me like this, but I’ve missed him.” Before Karkat could press the question further, though, Dave yawned. “Ugh, fuck, I wanna keep talking, but I’m…halfway to falling asleep, shit.”

“Oh,” said Karkat. He got up, ready to leave. He wanted to stay, wanted to curl himself around Dave’s obnoxiously lanky frame as best he could and protect this fragile idiot human from the entire universe, but…it wasn’t his place, was it? No.

“You leaving?” said Dave, rubbing at his unbruised eye.

“You said you wanna sleep,” Karkat said.

“Right. Uh. Could you, like…fill this back up for me, then, I guess?” Dave said.

“…Sure,” said Karkat.

He was…still confused, but Dave was tired, so he didn’t press. But he couldn’t wrap his head around wanting a friend around while he was so injured—well, he’d wanted Karkat around, hadn’t he? He’d seemed happy to see him, aside from the, uh, yelling. Still, it didn’t make sense! Every troll knew as a small child that the only people you could trust when you were injured were your lusus, your moirail, and maybe your matesprit! Anyone else might take advantage of the weakness and kill you, that was just basic logic! But Dave didn’t even seem to be thinking about it.

And…and yet, come to think of it, Roxy’d been awfully forthright about how bad Dave’s condition was. Hell, she’d heard it from Rose, who seemed like the one most likely to know not to spread that weakness, but the humans were all sharing it and passing it around. It wasn’t just that they didn’t seem to care who knew that Dave and Dirk were injured, it was like they wanted people to know.

And as he filled up the glass of water in the kitchen, he watched as Roxy and Dirk talked on the couch, as Dirk told her that he’d passed on the news of their condition to Jane already, that Rose had told her and Dave’s friends, and it just kept going. Everyone had to be up to date on the fact that both brothers were injured and vulnerable, and yet…

“I hope the flight wasn’t too long,” Rachel was saying to Ramona.

“Nothing would be too long right now,” she said in turn, blowing gently on a cup of tea that Rachel had just poured her. “Times like these, we all need to do our part. I know I might not be able to do much, mind you. My leg’s been acting up something fierce, as of late, but I’ll do whatever I can.”

Something clicked. All at once, the curtains pulled back and Karkat saw the whole picture—saw maybe not what it always was, and certainly not what the Lalondes achieved on any sort of regular basis, but what it was supposed to be, how it was meant to work.

On Alternia, everyone lived in constant competition. Trolls had to be strong as close to all the time as they possibly could, or at the very least find a moirail who could, because otherwise their society wouldn’t particularly care much if they died. That just meant they didn’t deserve to be a part of the gene pool or to contribute to society. If they were injured badly and left vulnerable, it was seen as normal for others to take advantage of that weakness and exert power or outright kill a rival. It was how they survived so long, or so the cultural narrative had so long stated: by this competition, the strongest survive. Nevermind that this survival was built on the corpses of uncountable trolls who didn’t make the cut, it Worked.

As a result, trolls had been bewildered just as Karkat had by how humans as a species managed to be so frail and yet so reckless and to still survive, especially when they didn’t exactly have the kind of numbers that trolls did. Humans lacked the numbers to be expendable, lacked the strength and toughness that kept Trolls alive, and yet they looked Death in the eye and pointed and laughed, and pushed themselves to extremes for no purpose other than to have some warped idea of fun. It was a question that had lingered around his consciousness for ages; how the fuck do humans even work as a species? How had such a seemingly doomed race not died off yet?

The answer that hit him now, as he watched Roxy help Dirk stand up and balance himself on a pair of crutches, was that humans didn’t have to be strong all the time, and that was the magic of their little social units, their families—they took care of each other. No one person had to be good at everything, or so good at one thing that it could keep them safe in any situation. It didn’t matter that their skin was thin or that they weren’t particularly strong or fast, they always, always had others around who would pick up the slack, others who would come even across oceans to offer what aid they could in times of strife; they weaved together all their strengths and weaknesses into a fabric able to withstand just about anything. Fuck, no wonder they’d wanted Dave back so badly. The Lalondes may have been less a tapestry and more a patchwork quilt, but it was still their quilt, and Dave was a part of it….

He felt a near-agonizing pang of envy that he didn’t have a quilt of his own. Humans might have been stupid about a lot of things, but this…this they’d gotten right.  

“Fucking water? Is that really the best you could think of? Fucking dumbass,” Dave muttered to himself. God. This was stupid. This was all really fucking stupid. He couldn’t even deal with being alone while he was asleep, for Chrissakes! Too scared of nightmares of a big mean dog, like some fuckin’ little kid.

Yeah, he was tired, but he really, really didn’t wanna be alone right now, was the thing. Not with that fucking troll-drug-induced nightmare lingering around the edges, waiting to chase him down again at its first chance. But. Like. Karkat was kind of right? Bros don’t watch each other sleep, that’s fuckin’ creepy. Like. Okay, so maybe they’d done a bit of that way back when Karkat had been kidnapped, but they didn’t have a choice back then, and anyways they mostly slept at the same time during that experience, which was super different from just asking his best alien friend to fuckin’ hold his hand so the  bad dreams wouldn’t get him. Fuck.

So he’d asked Karkat to refill his glass, even though he wasn’t thirsty right now, because it was an excuse to make Karkat come back, at least for a few more minutes, and they could talk for a bit, and maybe Dave’d stop being tired, wouldn’t that be rad.

Karkat came back in looking really thoughtful. He handed the glass over, and Dave took a sip to try and look like he hadn’t been 100% bullshitting there, and mumbled a thanks as he set it down. Then, just as a thought, he jerked his head toward the rest of the bed—it was a big king-sized one, probably left over from before the divorce and Mom had just never downsized or whatever, so there was a lot of space to Dave’s right—and told Karkat he could sit down if he wanted, Dave wasn’t gonna, like, pass out right this minute or anything, haha.

Karkat stayed quiet, which was fuckin’ weird, but he did sit down. He stared at the sheets for a minute, and then spoke up suddenly, saying, “I think I get it.”

“Get what?” said Dave.

“Why they wanted you back so bad,” said Karkat. “I mean, way back when you were first arrested. I kind of fought with Dirk over it at one point, because my only experience with the word Dirk used for why you should be with him was fucking Strider. And also I think I get why this shit all works, for humans in general. I mean, I’m probably just saying obvious shit, but it’s not how trolls work, we don’t take care of each other, not like this.”

Dave tipped his head.

“I mean with the whole fucking family thing,” Karkat said, rolling his eyes. “I’ve been trying to get it this whole time, but this shit’s used to justify so much bullshit with you humans, and I think I get it now, and why it’s so fucking important to you as a species.”

Dave snorted. “Dude, it’s not that big a thing—”

“It is, though! It just seems normal to humans because it’s how you always work, but, Dave, I’m serious, back on Alternia it’s every troll for themself. Maybe you  have one person who has your back if you’ve got a moirail, maybe some are lucky like me and have friends who are actually consistently on your side and won’t take the first chance they get to kill you or fuck you up some other way, but we definitely don’t have a whole cluster of others we can just fall back on any time we’re met with something we can’t handle alone.”

“Makes sense, I guess,” Dave started, but Karkat just kept going. Apparently he’d had some sort of fuckin’ epiphany in the past two minutes.

“It took me so fucking long to get this, but I get it now! You know what I don’t get, though, is why the fuck you ever tried to convince me that Strider is part of your fucking family.”

Something in Dave dropped like a stone.

He’d…had a similar thought, really. Repeatedly. Multiple times, over the past week or so. He’d been kind of trying to avoid it, because every time it popped up, he got really stressed out.

“And don’t give me any of the bullshit about being ‘related’ or what the fuck ever, I don’t wanna hear it,” Karkat kept right on going. “I still don’t get why you humans care so much about that. The whole point of this family thing is that you all take care of each other, not that you’re related or whatever! Your aunt’s here, did you know that? She flew across an entire fucking ocean just to make sure she could help out you and Dirk! What the fuck did Strider ever do for you?”

It was a good question. And the answer, of course, was: aside from trying to  kill him, do you mean? Hahaha.

Karkat was still talking, but Dave wasn’t really hearing him. Fuck, this had been a mistake, he should’ve taken his chances with the fucking nightmare dog. That was better than this old song and dance with his own thoughts.

The facts were pretty simple. He’d operated under pretty clear logic when he went up against Bro: We’re family, so he loves me, so therefore if I ask him to let me leave and explain that I really can’t deal with this, he’ll let me go. Except, Bro had tried to kill him, which meant that…

That was as far as Dave ever got. He couldn’t think any farther than that.

He felt like…like the next thought should be obvious, but he couldn’t make himself think it. It was too big—not so much a square peg in a round hole as it was trying to cram a grain silo into a pinhole, and the thought threatened to overwhelm and destroy him, so instead of thinking it, his brain kept rejecting it, the effect being like a broken record skip-skip-skipping, over and over, repeating the last thought he could get to before the Big One, because he couldn’t not think the Big One, either…

It was so fucking stupid, it was just a thought, why couldn’t he…

“Hah, yeah, now that you mention it, I guess I was always kinda wrong about this shit, wasn’t I?” Dave said, unable to stop the sardonic laughter bubbling up in his throat. “I mean, fuck, no wonder it took you so long to get, I probably gave you the wrong idea. My dumb ass was convinced he’d never try to kill me, cuz we’re family, and, well, here we fuckin’ are!”

Skip, skip, skip—

Karkat was still talking in stuttered phrases in the gaps of Dave’s own flood of words, looking almost scared, but Dave didn’t comprehned any of them, and anyway, the ranting had started, there was no stopping this shit now. “Like, what the fuck was I even thinking, right? I really thought that was gonna work, that somehow he’d just let me go if I asked, like a fucking idiot! Haha, what a fuckin’ dipshit, right?! And here I was thinking he—” Frantic laughter bubbled up, overtaking the words, not that more would’ve come, that next thought was just too big. Was he crying? Fuck, Karkat didn’t need to see any of this shit, but he couldn’t stop, couldn’t think

Skip, skip, skip, skip, skipskipskipskipskipskip—

It wasn’t Karkat’s fault. It really wasn’t. He might’ve set it off, but the storm had been building up for days, now, and it broke hard, sweeping Dave up in a torrent of just wordless mental screaming. He couldn’t think the next thought. He couldn’t. But the thing was damming him up, and he couldn’t ignore it anymore, and he was stuck in the middle and left to just completely melt down and dissipate into the flood.

A sound like a cicada crossed with the creakiest horror movie door ever to creak ripped through the tides, and suddenly Dave found himself tugged into a full body hug, wrapped up in four limbs with his face pressed into a thick sweater. The touch dragged him out of the flood and onto dry land, brought him back into now before he even knew what was happening. Karkat’s whole chest was vibrating with some intense cricket-cat hybrid purr, and this should’ve been so embarrassing but he was so tired and so lost and it was fucking comforting, so who the fuck cared. Who cared anymore. It was all bullshit. He could be embarrassed later.

Too soon, Karkat seemed to have the same thought, and tried to pull away. “Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t—fuck, I’m so sorry, this is really presumptive and I know you aren’t even into boys,” he babbled.

Dave groaned, wrapping his arms around Karkat’s chest and pulling him close. “Dude, if you try to make this about alien romance right now, I swear to fuck,” he gasped out between harsh sobs. Christ, he was going harder than Karkat did like twenty minutes earlier, what the fuck.

Karkat paused. Good. It meant his warm arms were still there. “Dave, I…I mean, this is troll romance, this is textbook moiraillegience, and I shouldn’t just be throwing myself at you because you had a moment of weakness, no matter how bad I, uh.”

Dave sniffled, wracked his brain for a moment…Karkat had explained this stuff about a million times, which one was…”That’s like…the bros quadrant, right?”

“The what.”

“The one that’s, like, platonic and shit.”

“…Yeah?” The cricket-purr started up again, cautiously.

“We fuckin’ kinda do most of that shit already, don’t we?” Like. Yeah. He wasn’t gay. That was still a thing. But Karkat was warm and solid and real and Dave was fucking exhausted and didn’t want to be alone, especially not when he felt right now like he was wrapped in safety. “Please, Karkat,” he added, because why not beg. He was already at maximum pathetic, there was no digging this hole lower, fuck it. “I really don’t wanna be alone right now, just, please don’t go.”

Karkat was quiet for a long moment, but finally, the cricket-purr went back to full volume and Karkat’s arms tightened around him.

“Okay,” Karkat said quietly. Dave let out a breath he’d barely known he’d been holding and went back to crying.

“We’re going to have to talk about this later,” Karkat murmured, which put him at about normal volume for anyone else.

“Later, then,” said Dave, and let himself finally fall the fuck asleep.

[theday]

tagged by @ikyh and @younghyuuns ill be doing both sets !! :D thank you both for tagging me!! this got long so yall dont hav 2 read <3

ru?? rushee’s set!! me: wow ru does not sound like rushee at all ? djsjdhhjd im dumb but i realize now

i. do u believe in astrology? whats ur sign and do u line up with the features usually attributed to it?

fucc... i guess i do ;-0...... and yeah i think?????? like they say capricorns are cold bitches and funny nd im like ya thats me... but they also say we’re hard workers and im like uh.. dont know abt that karen !

ii. what’s ur favorite pair of socks?

bbbbbbb..... socks huh...... i guess my ankle ones? there are also socks that have actual designs on them and those r usually thicker.. keep my feets safe! most of them have pkmn designs bc.. yeah... love the poke mans

iii. what’s a food that reminds you of a specific moment/memory?

i could think of anythiing and get reminded of one situation if that makes sense.. but i thought of pineapple..pizza... anyway the memory isnt anythngn special its just me staring at my delicious hawaiian pizza..... at my favourite pizza place.... love that shit

iv. what’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping?

i dont have the actual hours but the latest ive stayed up.. like willingly would be until 2am

v. how has ur taste in music changed throughout ur life?

went from 1d to 5so/s + other bands to utaite.... they cover vocaloid songs ig i never kno how2 explain what utaites r then 2 kpop.. but i still listen 2 bands + kpop and utaites.... so nothing much has changed ive just gone broader.. wider... expanded my tastes... 

vi. who’s ur fashion icon?

oh definitely kim wonpil

vii. what’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done without realizing?

i breathe dumbass particles.. i cant think of one bc my brain probably blocked off all access to my horrifying past but ive been thinking abt how i used 2 send the boy i used 2 like 1d songs....................... 12 y/o old me rly thought. he’d listen.... 12 y/o me thought spamming him was a good idea glad ive learnt from that! 

viii. what’s something you want to brag about?

my grades but it didnt get me into psychology so nvm ! its still good though i didnt expect to get an A1 (hghest grade) for combined humanities since ive had a B my whole life without it i wouldnt be able to move on education wise lmao so thank god for that thanks cambridge thanks bell curve sunbaenim 

ix. when you imagine urself being happy in the future, where exactly are you (like the location!)?

oh definitely an apartment somewhere where its always windy and the curtains are always Moving and the sun just Shines in the room but its not that hot either its just full of warmth and yeah thats the dream maybe also walks in the park without having 2 worry abt sweating my pits out u kno! tldr anywhere but here

x. what’s something you’ve always wanted to own?

let me Think.... i dont need a lot/?? but id love hm.............. i want stability but realistically i want all the hh pcs from the code albums. 

xi. how’ve you been lately?

good good! i finished my *** fic and its. im proud of it though i know its not that good nd i can do better but its done ! and hm i could be going to see mx but asking my mum is stressing me out speaking of her she wont stop Coughing and she refuses to see the doctor ;-/ love those sleepless nights ! other than that i just want 2 get out and feel the sun ???/ wanna get out of this house yea but i need to be.. shady with my money i cant get a job because school is starting in a month and im going overseas again sometime next month so ! no ones gonna hire someone who can only work for 2 weeks at most dhzjhhs shouldve worked when i had the time dumbasses only

ok now falen

1. what’s been on your mind??

hm redacted feeling towards my mum but i cant say them bc itd be insensitive 

2. what are you looking forward to? 

mx? possibly but also finishing my enrolment papers

3. story time!: how and when did you get into day6!!!!!

fuck...... listen up LADS. 

ive told the same story like 10 times but im never gonna get tired of saying this shit bc i love miss boxy so much nd she deserves the appreciation anywy she introduced me 2 day6 after i saw this one (1) picture of brian in minion glasses and instantly i knew in that Fucking moment thatd id die for him. so i asked for the name of my murderer and was introduced to day6 whom frankly id never heard of b4 bdjhjh she sent me all their mvs and i still remember the night . i remember walking out of this japanese restaurant, twitter open, chat wiht boxy there and i was like.. interesting ill go listen when im home so i Did! and my mind was blown away bitch? i honest 2 god expected them to be a boy group,,, dancing and shit yknow? i didnt know k bands existed ! so as a previous 5/sos stan i was like wow. this??? this shit is 10/10 a fucking BANGER thats what i felt listening 2 i smile and just going :O over the fucking instruments so idk if how can i say was the last or second song but Damn. .. it made me scream thanks mister j** he rly dragged me by the collar of my shirt and threw me face first into Heaven so i watched everything i asked my friend for video recommendations and after boxy sent me a page with their face and names i was like this jae kid is 182 cm? wow gotta stan now im stupid and stupid for glasses and tall people so ! it happened bithc,, ugh i lov eday6 so much i remember binge watchng all their vlives after the july after party live (that being the first vlive i watched Ever in my entire life and i laghed so hard despite not understanding a damn thing) please id giv my heart and soul2 day6 im so happy with the way ive progressed as a myday :^( 

bonus when i first started stanning it was 26th june and shortly after i made a stan acc teasers were being dropped but i didnt kno why ppl were freaking out i remmeber seeing jae’s teaser nd going ? ok? its just a pic damn ;-/ and then eveeryone was like: dowoon! choker! me: wdhs? what

4. ????do you have any allergies????

did u think of jae and no i used to be allergic 2 dairy products but thats disappeared

5. a fond memory???

bowling with friends and im just a disaster of a friend im always so loud with them and i thank god everyday that they handle my energy ? i would cheer for them even if they got a gutter or whatever and when they got a strike id go clap like crazy i love my friends i also went i have the power of god and anime on my side before flinging the ball and theyd laugh despite not knowing what vine that was from i love my friends... psg if ur out there yall are the best x i miss hanigng out with them as a trio.. three of us :( 

6. do you paint your nails?? if so, what are your fave colors to use?? if not, why??  

thats so.. tiresome.......... dont u have 2 wait for it 2 dry and shit ? my mums always worried abt ruining the colour or some sht nd im like !!! okY!!!!!!! tldr its a pain in the ass

7. what are your favorite colors?? what are your fave colors to wear??

i like hte colour of the sky... all the colours........ yeah love that bithc and lately ive been wearing a lot of black shirts finally went out of my embarrassing colourful phase ! 

8. what languages would you like to learn?? for what reason(s)??

japanese nd korean jp because i listen to a lot of things in japanese and korean for the same reason but my priority would be jp even tho id love to communicate with my faves i just... yeah although im not exactly making an effort 2 learn bc im lazy but if i Could.... itd be those two

9. when you get stickers, do you use them or do you keep them??

DHDGFHDHDGDSJHJSJAKSSJHFHS THIS FEELS LIKE A CALL OUT???? i keep them......... 

10. are there any groups that you might get into/want to get into?

hm... well theres knk ive learnt their names and im finally able to put name 2 face so thats nice svt too if htey didnt have such large numbers... thats all for now i think?? i love evry girl group though i love gIRLS... 

11. how are you???

idk im constantly just fine?? not the im sad but im fine kind of fine im literally just neutral half the time wjhddshs wild 

both of your questions were really unique and i loved answering them thank you so much for tagging me and if youve read until the end thank you i hope you have a good day!

[mmakehappy]

2017

1. What did you do in 2017 that you’d never done before? i’ll try to do this chronologically again: so at the beginning of january one of my best friends left to study abroad in rome which was sad and i missed her a lot. i saw rory scovel do stand up. i took an animation class which was fun for the first few weeks until i failed it lmao. actually my classes from jan to march did not go so well tbh but whatever i made it through. my sister came to visit me the weekend before st paddys day which was super fun and then we saw panic which was soooooooo fuckin rad i love them still wow! i went home for spring break and visited a local winery w my dad which was a lot of fun and then a week later uhhh me and @carrot-gallery became gfs!!! and my whole frickin life changed bc i love her so much wow!! but then a week after that i turned 22 and spent my birthday alone! which i tried to pretend didnt make me sad but by the end of the day i was very sad about it and thats when my sweet gf called me to sing happy birthday and i sobbed on my couch and ill never forget that!!! so okay then spring quarter classes started and i was a part of depaul’s visiting artist series which was super cool... i met a lot of new awesome people (both at depaul and the industry ppl that were our guests!) and made some great friends in that class! i was a house manager and camera op which was super fun. i went to a screening of my fave professor’s short film which was also rad. i saw a ghost story at the chicago critics film festival, which was amazing. i saw idiocracy in 35mm and then mike judge did a q&a! the very next day i was house manager for depaul’s student film festival at the music box! i saw chris gethard do a live recording of beautiful/anonymous and then also do some standup, that was awesome. i saw day wave live!!! amazing! i spent an entire dystopian day dealing with megabus. that was hell! i sat at an outdoor amphitheater and even tho i couldnt really see him i got to listen to seu jorge sing david bowie covers and life was magical for a few hours. my sisters came up to visit me and we saw aladdin the musical and had our minds blown, it was soooo fun! i went to the chicago pride parade for the very first time but i went by myself and at one point i was sitting on the curb just crying! not a high point but still memorable. i won a ticket to an advanced screening of the big sick where kumail & emily were there to do a q&a after the movie.... had a fuckin blast OBVIOUSLY and then saw the movie 9 other times in various theatres. i also made it into a commercial FOR the movie i just loved it that much lmao! i moved into a new (and my current) apartment! lorde released melodrama and fucking murdered me in my own home. otherwise i had a pretty uneventful but anxiety filled summer bc of financial aid stuff so that really sucked. i saw good time w taylor and the safdie brothers were there to do a q&a and they were such interesting guys i could listen to them talk for hours honestly. my mom and sisters came up to visit me and we took our mom to her very first cubs game which was sooo so much fun and they won that day too!! it was awesome and we had a great time :) watched the eclipse (or tried to anyway!!) fall quarter classes started and i honestly kicked ass at them, i got on the deans list (i almost typed honor roll lmao i mean its basically the same) i hung out with ari again which was cool!! we went to the aquarium! me and taylor saw beach fossils which was honestly the most buckwild concert ive ever been to i think, it was good shit. i got jobs at AMC (which i have since quit lmao) and starbucks and left my job at the paint place which was bittersweet! me and taylor saw mbmbam live!!! so fun!! and we watched trolls that night and goofed on it so hard!! i went home for thanksgiving and found out my big sister is gonna have a baby this year!! :D i saw mike birbiglia do stand up! which was soooo incredible of course (except i felt bad bc my mom was supposed to come w me but she couldnt go! so i brought taylor lol) UMMMMM MY DAM GIRLFRIEND CAME TO CHICAGO TO VISIT ME AND STAYED FOR A WHOLE DANG WEEK AND IT WAS THE BEST THING EVER SHE MAKES ME SO HAPPY WE HAD SO MUCH FUN AND I MISS HAVING HER RIGHT NEXT TO ME EVERY SINGLE GOSH DANG DAY <3 ;_____; and that was my year!!

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? last year i said id like to read at least one book each month and watch at least 100 movies - i did neither! im keeping the movie resolution though bc cmon 100 movies should be EASY for a film major wtf am i doing!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no but it will happen in 2018! 

4. Did anyone close to you die? not a person but we had to put down my sweet doggo, flash :(

5. What countries did you visit? still none :/

6. What would you like to have in 2018 that you lacked in 2017? More confidence that I actually deserve to be in college and that I can do this shit and I’m awesome <– that was my answer from last year and the year before but yeah. same. also money.

7. What dates from 2017 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? ummm march 25 when me and gf became gfs and also dec 17 when she came to visit :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? putting myself out there by doing VAS/Premiere, getting on the deans list for the first time since freshman year and then also getting a new job

9. What was your biggest failure? this summer i didnt do shit besides wallow and cry and it sucked!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? nope

11. What was the best thing you bought? every movie ticket and the bras i bought for natalie ;-)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? natalie’s because she’s amazing and works so hard!!!! and she can always cheer me up and im so in love w her

13. Whose behavior made you appalled? mine bc i could never just get my shit together and do my homework when i was supposed to :) < thats from last year but lmfao same!

14. Where did most of your money go? RENT, movie/event tix, food, in that order

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? THE BIG SICK, the new season of sv, p much all of the events that i listed in the first question lol

16. What song will always remind you of 2017? umm honestly probably any song from melodrama

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer? I’m a. happier, b. probably thinner? or maybe the same idk, and c. definitely DEFINITELY poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? read and write and watch movies and write and read about movies

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Spending money and also being bitter about everything for no reason <– last year and the year before that AGAIN and also same!

20. How did you spend Christmas? working at AMC which i hated every second of :)

21. Did you fall in love in 2016? yes with my amazing girlfriend @carrot-gallery

22. What was your favorite TV program? silicon valley, AMERICAN VANDAL, the good place, great british bake off

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? nah just politicians who like. actively want me to die lol

24. What was the best book you read? bitch,

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? mitski like why the fuck did i sleep on her..... tbh thats about it bc i still listen to the same music i did 10 years ago

26. What did you want and get? I wanted a steadier/better paying job and i have it!

27. What did you want and not get? idk i wanted to be financially stable on my own and i still dont have that

28. What was your favorite film of this year? ugh i hate this question! ok in no order: THE BIG SICK, GOOD TIME, A GHOST STORY, GET OUT, THE FLORIDA PROJECT

29. What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying? uhhh having my sweet girlfriend by my side each and every day 

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2017? sometimes chic, always sweaty

31. What kept you sane? Sydney, my best friend in the entire world. (This was my answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that AND THE YEAR BEFORE THAT but it still holds true) also everyone in the sv discord chat still AND natalie of course of course

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? kumail nanjiani duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, taika waititi, and martin starr always and probably more but i legit cant think of anyone rn lol

33. What political issue stirred you the most? yikes all of it. all of the issues (this was from last year but same lmao)

34. Who did you miss? i miss my dogs and my family and my girlfriend 35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2017. You can set goals for yourself and talk about it all you want but it’s nothing until you actually start working towards it and doing something about it. <– answer from last year and the year before that and the year before that, still true!! imma keep that. also idk just like, there are good days and super bad days and ive survived all of them so its just a reminder to myself that ill be okay.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. These days will all seem better in time Waiting on that hindsight

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 70

Seventy.

Life is going on. With ups and downs. Good days and bad days. Well life is mostly grey for me. 

As every day passes, i just realize more and more how much i love him. I really dont want to bluff about it but I just couldnt stop from typing it out because the realization blows my mind away. And one big reason is because I would never do what i did, or can do for him, and no one will ever mean anything even remotely close to how much he meant to me and will always mean to me. 

This might all just sound like a cheesy note any person in love would say but Oh God! trust me, this is what comes to my head after quite a good number of not-so-nice crap i have in my big fat head. So yeah! thats how i just know. This is not ever going away. And if I ever got a chance to re-live, i wouldn’t have wanted to fall in love with anyone else, orrrrrrrrrrr id just wish I was alone. That’s pretty cool tooo!! lol 

Speaking of which. Yeah. I pretty much do enjoy my own company. I just dont like communicating much with people. for a lot of reasons actually. Well, to begin with. I believe im a really complicated person. LIke, everyone has their own story and theres something twisty about everyone and bla bla but then I really do thing Im just not that easy to understand, and to top all that, I dont even like opening up to people so thats more of a reason to not get me. I am kind of aware of the fact that i seem to have a lot of ego and seem to be filled with pride and arrogance. But thats not true, thats just how some people see me, and i cant blame them because i think that is something i mask myself with. However, many people do find me really sweet and all but whatever side anyone sees, its always clear, im not really interested in getting too close with anyone and that i appreciate my own space. Sometimes, i do wonder if i really do enjoy being on my own or i actually want some good friends. But then the thing is, i have really really good friends back from high school. the only thing is, theyre not in the same country, theyre far away. but then again, even when we were all on ksa, we still mostly communicated on social media and stuff so it shouldnt matter much i guess. what im trying to say is. despite all the misunderstanding people might have with me, or people actually finding me sweet or whatever. or me not liking them much or wanting them to be my friends or whatever. the thing is, its not that i dont have anyone at all. because i do have people who know me. they dont know every little detail about me though, and thats because i dont talk much to them either. but they know me as a person. like i dont need to kiss their ass to get their attention, i can be myself with them.. i can be mean, and rude, or not keep in touch or act like im full of ego, like im so full of my shit and theyd still accept me. because they know that thats just how i am. im not sugarcoated. 

But.. it still doesnt matter

What im saying is. I prefer sitting alone on my own. doing literally nothing. no phone. no laptop. no means of communication with the outside world OVER actually chatting with anyone. or even someone who knows me so well and is close to me. 

Ok man, i talk a lot! So yeah that’s the thing! but when we were together, i wouldve done anything to not miss a chance to talk to him lol - thats just an easy way to put it out there, that he was different. 

And also putting it out there how my life is right now. I prefer my own company. I dooooo badly wish i had a ‘partner’ though - an ‘eating partner’!!!!!! haha! I really wish i could go to restaurants with someone to try food randomly. But then. idk. i mean its not that easy to find someone who has the same love for food and aso someone whos willing to spend money to try food or someone whod be able to hang out with me. especially i dont even have any good friends in ksa right now Ugh

Another really important reason i dont like talking to people much is the commitment. I hate commitment!!!!!!! And when i say commitment i dont even mean something serious like being in some relationship. i mean.. even the smallest commitment. like when you even knock someone and the person expects you to reply fast. Like okay give me a break! We dint exchange vows or something, yth do i need to reply fast. or whyd you even expect me to reply fast like idk. do people just pause their lives and just talk to other people? bleh Im not even ready for that so yeah! 

buttttttttt then again - with him. it was SO different. but like i said. it was only him!!!!

Something cool was the fact that i had a dream of him the other day. we never met each other f2f after our last conversation, so him in my dream was the first time we met f2f which wasnt actual anyways!!! But!!! I was so full of attitude. Like I could totally see my facial expressions and go like. “Oh God Youuu” to myself! Im usually full of attitude in front of other guys, if i ever am, which is kinda rare. just saying! 

So i read his post about him going to bd and stuff, and i wont even lie about how i totally never like that. but then this time its different obviously. In many ways though. One way to look at it is how i just remembered about the time when he was in bd last year! ~~~ And the award for the roughest of all times goes to!!!! 

Now comes the part were I actually give the reason why I dont blog much! Well tbh i want to blog all the time. But then!!!! Who am i kidding???? Its obviously cause I want him to read my post and blabla so yeah I dont! I mean. I really want to, but i dont. The same way. Forget blogging man. I mean. In this generation, with all these advancements and i say, no barrier at all. If we could decide like two mature adults to stop talking for nothing but good intentions then i sure as hell can keep myself from blogging about every little thing, and keep my shit together, and only blog when my mind and my heart says that i got it in my hands and im not going to screw up! 

and so that would mean that anything i post about, is just a very little, incomplete detail of the entire story and i almost always will sugarcoat it a million times and put it up here! 

but like i said - every thing just ends with me realizing how in love i am with him and as long as that is how it ends, i like it. 

So “losing weight” is like the --aim of my life-- right now. Just that its so boring oh maa gawd - and so i end up watching suits. which is soooooo niiiceeeeee omgg. And i actually love the couple there. Mike & Rachel! - oh and also its kinda funny to me idk why but whenever i see any couple onscreen that i like, my inner me kinda teases me going like “sarah, you loser!!!!!” and then i look down from the screen for a second or two like an actual loser would doo and then yeah i just “laugh it away” - like silently! ~ No hard feelings!

umm.so yeah i was saying. The main thing is losing weight and i want to lose one kg a week WHICH I AM NOT BY THE WAY. so i kind of get sad from time to time and all, and then idk get ok with it, and then sad again and alll that. and then battling myself against food is there. Today though i kind of figured out that if i watch suits while on the treadmill ill kinda stay distracted, and it wont be boring anymore and ill be able to go somewhere i guess. 

so theres around 9 weeks left for uni to open and i wish vacation never ended but yeah lets just face reality. And about my brother, 6 weeks left.   So that means I wna lose around 9 kgs before uni reopens but its smart to kind of plan a bit more than you actually want so that if you dont totally achieve your goal youll still land somewhere good. if you know what i mean. 

Now there is a lot i want to say. SO muchh. But I cant be fooling myself. It would obviously be for him only. So Ill just hold everything back in!!!!!! 

But one thing I want the world to know

Everyone has their own problems and their own imperfection and perfections and whatever. But ever since I had my eyes on him, i knew he was different. infact that is exactly why i liked him in the first place. I dont wna go in depth with this but ill just say it in the simplest way I can. 

When I was with him, yes, I did pray for a fairytale story. But not an actual one. because those dont exist. I had my own modified version of a fairytale ending. And in their, everything was not perfect. Everyone was not perfect. there was pain, there were people who didnt know what they were worth. All I ever wanted is to be the person to be ale to mend hearts, to help someone find their way out from the sufferings, to be a part of someone happiness. And even though we are not together right now. I wish the same. I just wanted it to be through me before. Now it doesnt necessarily need to be, cause it definitely will be coming from Allah both ways inshaAllah. 

I pray he gets to see what I see in him. And what people see in him. And most importantly, what he sees in himself but fails to value at times. 

P.S. My family is excluded from consideration in this post. when i talk about people, i mean everyone else except my family.  --ALSOOOOO-- I just randomly sat down at 5am and decided to blog today and so i sat with my laptops and this is all what flowed outta me! 

A totally random post! 

BUT i do wna mention how the tumblr app on my phone s.u.c.k.s. Cant give notifications properly *&^&%&^$%&%*^(0

Bye c: 

[thechrispavon]

Xbox E3 2017 Briefing - Reaction

Xbox One X. Basically PS4 Pro's competitor. 

Just forewarning: I play on PlayStation mainly for nostalgia’s sake. I grew up with the PS1 and PS2. I’m getting used to their online services, mainly because I’m a single-player kind of gamer. That and my PS3 got yellow-lighted. My brother (who was gaming more than me at the time) switched to the X360 when it first released. Now, I have a regular PS4 while my brother has an Xbox One. 

I don't have a PS4 Pro or a 4K TV. I'm rocking the original PS4. My brother has the original Xbox One. Sooo... They'll have to lower the prices on 4K TVs with HDR for me to commit. 

I hear the One X has backwards compatibility. My brother has a lot of Xbox 360 games. 

Forza 7. My brother is a gearhead so he'll love this game. Me? Not so much. 

Oh let's show a new Porsche none of these gamers have the money to actually buy. 

4K @ 60FPS seems to be the keyword that makes these gamers cream themselves. Just saying. 

Do these professional drivers actually play Forza? 

Next title! Oh my, an FPS. Is this a sequel to a newer IP? IDK. The trailer music screams Inception. Oh, those animal monsters look nice. I can tell the visits are going to get annoying. Idk. Nice attention to detail though. Post-apocalyptic? What kind of game is this? That bigger monster reveal was underwhelming. Metro Exodus. Meh. Haven't played the first one. 

4K WORLD PREMIERE OMG Whatever. Uh? 4K Age of Empires? Oh. Another Assassin's Creed game. Whatever. AC: Origins. Apparently it's in Egypt. EPIC GAMING ADVENTURE ™. 

Xbox One X sounds like a redundant name. Like Wii U. 

QUALITY BIRD GRAPHICS ™ Not impressed. 

All of this showcasing reminds me that I need to get a new TV for my PS4 gaming. I have a pretty thick plasma TV. It contains mercury. Not good. So all this resolution talk means nothing if it doesn't fit on my TV with faded colors. I don't want anything fancy. Just 1080p with HDR probably. Nothing too big. 

Anyway, AC: Origins doesn't impress me. 

Hooray, more shooters. Ugh. Player Unknown's Battlegrounds. 

Another exclusive. Shooting and Mining? Bad voice acting. Deep Rock Galactic. 

Ok seriously fuck the guy saying Yehh at everything. 

Exclusive. Post-apocalyptic. Army? Zombies? Really? Yawn. At least be a bit creative. The animation kinda sucks. Not even fluid  So it's a tower defense thing? Cars. Boomer. Yeah, this is utter shit. This fucking trailer is so long. Pretty boring. State of Decay 2. Next. 

Exclusive. Ooh nice design. Uh what the fuck? What? Darwin Project. The Shoutcaster ruined it. 

Minecraft? Again? I thought we were over that. Next. I don't know how you make Minecraft more detailed with bigger resolution.

Japan. Hilarious. Little crazy. Fun. Oh. It's Dragon Ball. Never mind. The layout reminds me of the old DB games. Like Ultimate Battle 22 or something. (Yeah, I’m old.) But you know, updated. Like Guilty Gear or Skullgirls or Marvel vs. Capcom or something. Dragon Ball Fighter Z. Nice. 

Exclusive. Looks beautiful. MMORPG? I'd play this. Not gonna lie. Black Desert. Ok. 

Exclusive. Another post-apocalyptic. That cinematography looks nice. Wait what. Pixel characters. Wow. The Last Night. Yeah, is definitely play that. Very cyberpunk. 

Exclusive. Ok. I like quirky designs like this. Johnson Vendetti. Nice guitar lol. What the fuck is this. Lol. The Artful Escape. (Coming when it's damn ready.) Alright cool. 

Code Vein. Sick. Don't know what it is but it's anime as fuck. Bandai Namco. Oh ok. 

Sea of Thieves. Exclusive. Shared world. Yeah, but I like single player games. I'm not into the pirate scene either. Looks fun though. 

Exclusive. Oohh. Space. Tacoma. 

Exclusive. What. Fox thing. What. FEED ME SEYMOUR. *Exhausted sigh* I don't know anymore. Fart joke from an onion. Fantastic. I'm sure kids will enjoy this. Super Lucky's Tale.

Exclusive. Oh my God is this Cuphead? YES FINALLY. GIMME THIS SHIT. SEPTEMBER 29. FINALLY. I LIVE FOR THIS. 

Exclusive. TERRY CREWS? BEST THING EVER. Is this Crackdown? I liked the other ones so this is good. Crackdown 3. Good. 

ID@Xbox Game Montage Time. Let's see what looks good in about 10 seconds of footage​. Unruly Heroes. Observer. Hello Neighbor, of course. Shift. Eh, not much.  

Next few games. 

Exclusive. Stylistic. Oooh. Wow, these characters have no faces. Light and Darkness themes. This looks really nice. Ashen. 

SQUARE ENIX WORLD PREMIERE. THEY OWN MY ASS ALREADY. WHATCHU GOT, SQUARE? OH SHIT LIFE IS STRANGE 2. FUCK YES FINALLY OMG. GIMME THIS SHIT. WHATS GONNA HAPPEN NOW? BIG APPLAUSE FROM ME. IM IN. IM SOLD. WHAT? BEFORE THE STORM. 3 EPISODES? ONLY 3? FIRST ONE COMES OUT ON AUGUST 31. THAT'S SO SOON. YAAAS SQUARE. GIMME THIS SHIT. 

Middle Earth: Shadow of War. Alright. I don't know what other Middle Earth game I played. I think it was Shadow of Mordor. I loved it. Oh God. So much for being an optimist. Yeah I'd play this. By the way, the acting and facial capture is amazing. Brûz is funny as hell. 

Exclusive. AW SHIT. PIANO GUY. WHAT IS THAT CUTE LEMUR THING? That's a frog... and a giant spider. Nice owl. Ohhh noooooooo. Great music. Ori and the Will-o-the-Wisps. I love it. 

Hey, Sony. Where's your backwards compatibility?! YOU HAVE A GREAT LIBRARY BUT COME ON. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SUBSCRIBE TO ANOTHER SERVICE FOR BACKWARDS COMPATIBILITY. 

Your last presenter is from EA? Really? New IP. OH. BIOWARE. Anthem. Oh wow. This looks really nice. This looks pretty crazy. So is this basically BioWare's answer to Destiny? But will this have a good story? Lol they think players talk to each other like this. I'd play this. But I'll probably do it single player. 

Right now, I don’t really have an incentive to upgrade to a 4K-ready console like the Xbox One X or the PS4 Pro. Some of the games showcased at Microsoft’s Briefing looks nice. I’d probably borrow my brother’s Xbox to play exclusives like Ori and Cuphead.

[silkyandsurveys]

survey #3

may 17,2020

1)What is your idea of an ideal date?

i love the idea of an amusement park date? it’s so cliche but it’s so cute and fun cause it would just be such a fun time to just laugh with each other and be soft and cute

2)When did you last unexpectedly gain money?

hmmm that’s hard. i just today applied for unemployment and those results will be coming back soon ? hopefully? but then my mom said that my old job is looking for people to take food to cars so i might be doing that and getting some good money so not anytime recently but i’m guessing in the soon future i will

3)What are your favorite preparations of vegetables?

I’m sorry but just extremely soft broccoli and butter with salt and pepper is so good and classic

4)What are your plans for the rest of the day?

uhm it’s 7:08 pm so take my medicine and shower and then just play on my phone for a couple hours until bed

5)What is your favorite movie soundtrack?

this is so hard because i don’t watch a lot of movies. this may seem odd because of course but the bohemian rhapsody movie but that doesn’t really count. love simon is great same as fault one our stars idk

6)If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do?

i really don’t know. part of me wants to say go and like do something crazy but what can you really do that’s ~crazy~ in 24 hrs. i would just go see all my friends. say things i never had the courage to say in the past to certain people hug everyone idk

7)If you came along with a theme song, which song would it be and why?

omg something super bright and sassy for sure!! i can’t think of something necessarily. maybe something harry styles?

8)If you could invite 5 people to a dinner party, living or dead, who would you choose?

this is so hard but why do i wanna say ot5 one direction and literlaly just make all of them speak to each other.

9)What is Victoria's secret?

that she’s fatphobic and transphobic oops

10)If you had to be trapped in a tv show for a month, which tv show would it be and why?

omg 10000000% glee OMGGGGGG i would die but also stranger things would be hella vibes and lowkey scary but fun

--------------------

1. Have you ever moved to a different city?

No only ever moved house

2. Do you ever forget names of people you know well?

i’m not as bad with names as i am faces idk i’m just bad at that in general

3. If you could trade lives with a cat, would you do it?

uhm maybe for like a day? they legit just sleep and scratch you so?

4. Have you ever been lost? Was it frightening?

A couple times i think? driving can get very confusing

5. Do you enjoy doing new or shocking things?

sometimes i do sometimes i don’t. it’s very depending on whether i’m like mentally prepared for the information

6. Would you rather be lost in a forest or a city?

the city alone but the forest with someone

7. What is the biggest discovery you have made about yourself growing up?

that i really am quite odd? like i’m very different from what normal people in my area are. not to sound quirky but it’s true. i’m also very very adaptive to lots of different people and groups

8. Do you want to have children and a family?

yes one day. i can’t ever imagine a time though

9. Have you ever seen something strange and no one believed you?

yes!!!!

10. Have you ever had a crush on someone much older than yourself?

no actually. other than celebrity crushes of course

11. Have you ever been separated from someone?

yes. my like biggest crush of my entire life moved away a couple years ago and it was actually really hard and made me grow up

12. Do you cry over books/movies/shows/etc.?

yes i specifically watch movies to cry sometimes i’m just a really emotional person but i have a hard time naturally crying to my problems on my own

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Are there any subjects you’ve made an effort to learn about despite no obvious relevance to your daily life?

yes definitely

Have you or would you ever turn down a promotion if it meant moving somewhere new?

it really really depends. right now? no. i’m not ready to move away at this very moment but in the future ? maybe? depends on who i’m with and how happy i am where i am

Do you have someone you can carry on full conversations with and not get tired of them?

yeah definitely i have a couple friends who i really love having conversations with and we can have conversations about the same things over and over and not get bored

Who is your celebrity crush?

harry styles tehehe

Have you ever broken a bone?

no but i’ve bruised them and also gotten very bad sprains. got very close to breaking my ankle and foot tehe

What is one thing you were really good at as a kid?

crafts? i use to love polymer clay and i was actually quite good at it.

What is one thing about humanity that baffles you?

the fact that schools don’t teach about current events and the injustice of america and how freedom is so selective and UGH

How are you at fixing things?

very good. it’s almost a problem i feel like it’s my responsibility to make things easier and better for other people

Do you have any martial arts training?

no ma’am could be fun but

Do people tend to come to you for advice?

yes!!!

If you knew it would prevent a catastrophe or end a war, would you ever willingly sacrifice your own life?

i got to be really honest. no.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be?

i love love love telepathy but i think invisibility or transportation would be my top picks

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Someone offers you a chance at immortality. Do you take it, and why or why not?

uhm if i could get a large extension on my young life? yes but idk i wouldn’t want to be completely 100% immortal.

If you had to spend your life with just one person, who would it be?

omg hopefully my soulmate? but if i had to pick someone rn y’all i gotta say harry styles

If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?

ignorance

Do you have any regrets?

yes and no. i know my decisions of my life have led me here but at the same time i always have a bad habit of looking back and wondering if things would be different if i made a different decision. i do regret little baby things though like not going to a 1d concert lmao

Is someone telling you how to live your life, or are you an independent person?

i’m an independent person with chains i haven’t been able to strip yet

If you were to fall into an eternal sleep, do you think anyone would miss you?

yeah definitely

Do you miss anyone right now?

yes. i miss my friends but i also miss people who used to be in my life but not them now them before. it sounds sad but

If you could get away with anything, what would you do?

steal!!!! bro i would legit steal so quick if i could get away with it

What are you like when you’re by yourself?

so out there? i like romanticize my life in my head when i’m alone so i get a little crazy but i’m also way more open when i’m by myself

What would you change about yourself?

id love to be more confident? definitely would like to be healthier

If you knew one of your loved ones/best friends had only one day left to live, how would you spend that last day with them?

i would want to do whatever they wanted to do. hug them tell them i loved them

If you could make anyone do anything, what would you make them do?

make a super rich person give me all their money

If you had one wish that would come true and couldn’t be reversed, what would you ask for?

a credit card that had no limit

What would someone have to do to get in your pants?

that would be hard work as this lady is a virgin queen but idk

What’s one thing you can’t live without?

music. i used to never think this way but now i 100% do

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What did you used to have that you are happier without?

a dad LOL

What was your favorite food when you were a child?

chicken for sure but also fruit gummies

If you could choose to stay a certain age forever, what age would it be?

18 or 21 18 would be perfect if it weren’t for drinking

If you could learn to do anything, what would it be?

sing!!! i love singing so being good at it would be great

What sound do you love?

walking on leaves. the typing noise on a phone. laughing. cracking knuckles. a starbucks glass bottle opening. record players

If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose?

elizabeth from pride and prejudice

What do you want to be when you grow up?

something in social media

What do you miss most about being a kid?

being carefree and not caring what people thought about me

What is something you learned in the last week?

certain words and their meanings from uquizzes lol

Would you rather be really attractive or really smart?

this is actually hard because i’m like averagely smart and i’m so satisfied but i’m not satisfied with my looks so

What are your phobias?

vomit is #1

If one song were to describe your life, what song would it be?

i have a playlist but i could never describe in just 1 song.

What is one habit of yours that no one knows about?

i pick my skin off my thumb?

What annoys you the most?

rude people. people who brag about their lives. negativity.

If you could change your first and middle name to anything, what would it be?

i wouldn’t change my first and middle i would only change my last

[lishakiyoko]

1: My name? Alisha. 2: Do I have any nicknames? lisha 3: Zodiac sign? gemini 4: Video game I play to chill, not to win? anything mario 5: Book/series I reread? none lol 6: Aliens or ghosts? aliens 7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write? what 8: Favourite radio station? the popular ones 9: Favourite flavour of anything? chocolate for sure 10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great? amazing 11: Favourite song? i hate those kinds of questions 12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better? what they do for work... that's what happens when you're 30 😝 13: Favourite word? butthole 14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them? i always forgive 15: Last song I listened to? i think it was a jack black song cos camren was playing it. 16: TV show I always recommend? vikings! 17: Pirates or ninjas? ninjas 18: Movie I watch when I'm feeling down? probably something depressing. not anything to help lol 19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song? it always changes. 20: Favourite video games? anything mario or easy like that 21: What am I most afraid of? not living my life to the fullest 22: A good quality of mine? i'm an amazing girlfriend haha 23: A bad quality of mine? i lie a lot 24: Cats or dogs? cats! 25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they're in? so many good ones! i really love natalie portman for an actress and i'm absolutely in love with travis fimmel and charlie hunnam 26: Favourite season? winter 27: Am I in a relationship? yes 28: Something I miss? being young 29: My best friend? my boyfriend 30: Eye colour? brown 31: Hair colour? brown 32: Someone I love? camren 33: Someone I trust? i wanna say camren but even he's hid some big things from me in the past couple years... so that's iffy 34: Someone I always think about? buying things lol 35: Am I excited about anything? a better future 36: My current obsession? ginger tea 37: Favourite TV shows as a child? eurekas castle maybe? i can't remember 38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to? i tell camren almost everything. i'm with him all the time anyway 39: Am I superstitious? not really 40: What do I think about most? being a better person 41: Do I have any strange phobias? i'm claustrophobic for sure 42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? behind! but i wanna try and be in front this year when camren starts his youtube channel 43: Favourite hobbies? i'm boring so idk lol 44: Last book I read? it's been years 45: Last film I watched? ps i love you 46: Do I play any instruments? nope 47: Favourite animal? kitties 48: Top 5 blog on Tumblr that I follow? uh 49: Superpower I wish I could have? fly! disappear as well 50: How do I destress? lay in bed and watch tv 51: Do I like confrontation? not at all ugh. the worst 52: When do I feel most at peace? when i'm at home and it's quiet. like right now. 53: What makes me smile? i laugh at everything so it doesn't take much to make me smile 54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off? off. i need it pitch black 55: Play any sports? ew what 56: What is my song of the week? lights "lucky ones" 57: Favourite drink? pellagrino sparkling water in pomegranate. although it's more like a soda than sparkling water 58: When did I last send a handwritten letter to somebody? it's been a long time but i signed something and mailed it out recently haha 59: Afraid of heights? a little. i was pretty terrified when i went to the top of the sky tree in tokyo (2nd tallest building in the world might i add) 60: Pet peeve? messy people 61: What was the last concert I went to see? i don't remember. i hope to see a good one this year tho. 62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian? nope. just ate pork last night! 63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger? nurse. still a possibility if camren gets more business and i can quit my job... do school full time. 64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy? sort of. enemies for a little while but forgave each other. i still hold a little bit of a grudge lol. 65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of? something futuristic 66: Something I worry about? getting pregnant before my life is stable 67: Scared of the dark? nah 68: Who are my best friends? cheddar and jonathan 69: What do I admire most about others? being their own motivators. a will to get shit done. being able to drive and have a car lol. 70: Can I sing? a little bit. that's another thing i'll be working on this year 71: Something I wish I could do? drive 72: If I won the lottery, what would I do? pay of mine and my families debt. 73: Have I ever skipped school? yeah 74: Favourite place on the planet? japan 75: Where do I want to live? id stay here in los angeles but other than that probably japan 76: Do I have any pets? two cats 77: What is my current desktop picture? some guild wars thing camren changes out here and there. it's his computer 78: Early bird or night owl? early bird 79: Sunsets or sunrise? sunsets. im not that early of a bird 80: Can I drive? hell to the no 81: Story behind my last kiss? that's private lol 82: Earphones or headphones? headphones 83: Have I ever had braces? twice 84: Story behind one of my scars? they aren't very exciting 85: Favourite genre of music? i hate this question too 86: Who is my hero? i dunno 87: Favourite comic book character? not a comic book fan 88: What makes me really angry? what doesn't make me angry? haha 89: Kindle or real book? real book 90: Favourite sporty activity? i don't do sports. i like to watch hockey tho. 91: What is one thing that isn’t taught in schools that should be? money management 92: What was my favourite subject at school? art 93: Siblings? two younger sisters 94: What was the last thing I bought? a water bottle 95: How tall am I? 5'1 96: Can I cook? barley. just a couple of things i've done over and over like chicken and veggies or eggs 97: Can I bake? my oven doesn't work but if it did there's a bunch of things i'd love to try 98: 3 things I love? my cats, my home, and my boyfriend 99: 3 things I hate? living with a bunch of people, being tickled, being on the freeway 100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends? i think it's pretty even 101: Who do I get on with better, girls or boys? boys. i've always loved hanging out with boys better 102: Where was I born? southern california 103: Sexual orientation? bi curious but never had a chance to explore the other side unfortunately 104: Where do I currently live? north hollywood california 105: Last person I texted? camren. he texted me from the other room to bring him coffee 😒 106: Last time I cried? maybe a week ago? 107: Guilty pleasure? menchies froyo 108: Favourite Youtuber? jaclyn hill 109: A photo of myself. probably my profile pic 110: Do I like selfies? not really. i'm pretty bad at them 111: Favourite game app? i don't play games on my phone 112: My relationship with my parents? it's good 113: Favourite accents? british 114: A place I have not been but wish to visit? new york ( 30th bday tho!! ) 115: Favourite number? 4 116: Can I juggle? no lol 117: Am I religious? no but i do have faith 118: Do I like space? it's a little scary, especially black holes 119: Do I like the deep ocean? i dunno 120: Am I much of a daredevil? no way 121: Am I allergic to anything? i think cats a little bit 122: Can I curl my tongue?ya 123: Can I wiggle my ears? no 124: Do I like clowns? they're okay 125: The Beatles or Elvis? the beatles 126: My current project? reinstating my pharmacy tech certification ( different from my tech license, i can work anywhere as opposed to just retail) 127: Am I a bad loser? no 128: Do I admit when I wrong? not really lol 129: Forest or beach? beach 130: Favourite piece of advice? none 131: Am I a good liar? yeah lol. i've lied about so much shit 132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district? i dunno. the only one i've watched all the way through was the hunger games and i don't even remember who was in what district 133: Do I talk to myself? sometimes. mostly in my brain 134: Am I very social? nope 135: Do I like gossip? yeah 136: Do I keep a journal/diary? no 137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test? All the time 138: Do I believe in second chances? yes 139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do? keep it lol. i'm a bad person and i love money 140: Do I believe people are capable of change? yes 141: Have I ever been underweight? yes when i was a freshman in highschool cos i got really sick and lost a bunch of weight. i was 96lbs. 142: Am I ticklish? very and don't you ever fuckin try to tickle me cos it pissed me the fuck off 😘 143: Have I ever been in a submarine? no way. claustrophobia 144: Have I ever been on a plane? yes. i used to be terrified but now i love it! traveling is awesome. i love the whole process. 145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family? i'm too tired to answer this 146: Have I ever been overweight? i wouldn't consider myself overweight but i am the heaviest i've ever been. 147: Do I have any piercings? ears and nose 148: Which fictional character do I wish was real? jax from sons of anarchy 149: Do I have any tattoos? 3 but i want them removed 150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far? pursuing a career 151: Do I believe in Karma? yes 152: Do I wear glasses or contacts? nope. i have perfect vision 153: What was my first car? lol 154: Do I want children? yes. hopefully in the next 4-5 years. maybe sooner 😇 155: Who is the most intelligent person I know? camren is pretty fuckin smart. it blows me away sometimes. 156: My most embarrassing memory? it was probably something i did while drunk 157: What makes me nostalgic? old music 158: Have I ever pulled an all-nighter? yes. last time was the night before my flight to japan and it was because i was so excited and nervous. 159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty? brains duhhh 160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe? black 😁 161: Have I ever had a paranormal experience? i don't think so. other than hearing weird noises at night 162: What do I hate most about myself? lack of motivation to do better 163: What do I love most about myself? i'm funny 164: Do I like adventure? yes 165: Do I believe in fate?yes 166: Favourite animal? cat 167: Have I ever been on radio? no 168: Have I ever been on TV? no 169: How old am I? 29 170: One of my favourite quotes? this too shall pass 171: Do I hold grudges? yes 172: Do I trust easily? no 173: Have I learnt from my mistakes? nope lol 174: Best gift I’ve ever received? my trip to japan 175: Do I dream? yes 176: Have I ever had a night terror? sort of. camren gets them often 177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind? i used to have recurring dreams of being in a train that crashes 178: An experience that has made me stronger? my mother being an extreme alcoholic for many years. that toughened me up a lot. 179: If I were immortal, what would I do? kill bad people 180: Do I like shopping? i'm addicted to shopping 181: If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do? rob a bank 182: What does “family” mean to me? stuff 183: What is my spirit animal? lol so stupid 184: How do I want to be remembered? just loving 185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose? driving!! 186: What is my greatest failure? my debt 187: What is my greatest achievement? making a dream come true! 188: Love or money? love 189: Love or career? love 190: If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go? viking era 191: What makes me the happiest? money 192: What is “home” to me? LA 193: What motivates me? money 194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be? i love you 195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens? not really 196: A movie that scared me as a child? exorcist 197: Something I hated as a child that I like now? brussel sprouts 198: Zombies or vampires? zombies! 199: Live in the city or suburbs? suburbs 200: Dragons or wizards? dragons 201: A nightmare that has stayed with me? my mom dying 202: How do I define love? shut up 203: Do I judge a book by its cover? yes. it's a flaw of mine 204: Have I ever had my heart broken? sort of. i think i've just been really hurt and it affected me. but i've done most of the heart breaking. i've only been dumped in high school. 205: Do I like my handwriting? i have terrible handwriting 206: Sweet or savoury? both 207: Worst job I’ve had? bakery 208: Do I collect anything? make up and sunglasses 209: Item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without? sunglasses and this necklace i haven't taken off in almost a year 210: What is on my bucket list? going back to japan! 211: How do I handle anger? not very well 212: Was I named after anyone? nope 213: Do I use sarcasm a lot? yes 214: What TV character am I most like? daria 215: What is the weirdest talent I have? i can't make money disappear faster than anyone i know lol 216: Favourite fictional character? i dunno