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#it didnt HAVE to be this way. but after coming this far there was no other way to be
lokh · 1 month
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ive been thinking about this but. i think shuro understands laios' character pretty well, but he doesn't value his strengths or interests (monster knowledge). in the DVD extra where laios imagines what would have happened if they'd been on better terms, shuro STILL leaves because he thinks his chances are better with a trained crew (which....... is likely to be true but. look at how he ended up anyway lmao). meanwhile kabru recognises that while the party isnt particularly strong, the reason they get so far in the first place is BECAUSE of what laios knows about monsters. shuro seems aware that laios knows about monsters or has an interest in them, but views this as frivolous and a waste of time and doesn't seem to realise how much this knowledge carried them in the first place
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aphel1on · 10 months
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its actually extremely fucking funny to me that after all the jokes about "the hydro archon and the Hydro Archon" re:furina and neuvillette it actually turned out to. become canon
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her-canine-teeth · 7 months
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sugar water by flower face
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gibbearish · 1 month
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btw similar to the whole "if you try adderall at a party and it calms you down, get an adhd test" thing, if at some point in your life you try microdosing shrooms with a friend and end up feeling like a functional person for the first time in your life, get tested for depression. like yeah hallucinogens come with elation so youre probably gonna have some "this is the best ive ever felt in my life" vibes regardless, but like. if that in and of itself feels like finally breathing in for the first time in years, thats for sure a sign that something is up with your ability to process serotonin most of the time. feeling better than ever before should be a nice bonus, not a crushing weight off your chest
#fun fact there are currently multiple ongoing studies vis a vis the effectiveness of psilocybin on depression#both on its own and as a companion to ssris#psylocybin targets the 5ht2a serotonin receptors which wikipedia tells me are more numerous in the brains of those with depression#so like. if you spend most of your life feeling like your brain is an aquarium with a leak in it and serotonin is the water and your default#state is 'slightly damp gravel grinding painfully against itself' thats ummm not normal 👍#and on the flipside of that if you have depression that no other med has worked for and know a guy. its 1000% worth it#origibberish#also i say 'wikipedia tells me' as if i just looked it up but that all comes from a long night of spite filled research after i asked my#psychiatrist if we could use the fact that psylocybin worked for me as a basis to like. narrow down which legal antidepressant#might work instead of basically just throwing darts at a board every time#and after several minutes explaining to her that i was not just asking her to prescribe me shrooms but in a legal way she went#'ohhhh yeah no unfortunately theres been no research into that‚ yeah.... sorry......:)'#which. as far as 'lies you come up with on the spot to avoid having to say i dont know' go‚ that is. maybe the worst one to pick#like. 'no‚ thats not an option'? alright fine maybe theres some internal rules or something who knows#'theres no research' though just. immediately tanks any and all credibility 100% even on its own but considering the subject matter?#youre telling me. that humans. the famously curious species that researches fucking Everything. and also Loves playing with drugs. when#trying to figure out how to make drugs that make brains feel good. would not start with the drugs they already knew made brains feel good.#youre telling me that not one (1) singular scientist tried shrooms and went 'oh my god wait. i dont feel like im dying for the first time#ever. holy fuck i need to study this'#complete misplay. absolutely legendary fumble. there were so many ways to fuck it up and somehow you found the worst. congratulations#om the other hand though. really was an excellent setup for the punchline that is the voicemail i have from them saying she'd been fired LOL#they didnt say what for specifically but yknow. based on my own experiences i certainly have theories jebfksbfk#it was annoying in the moment but at the end of the day i have shrooms and she doesnt have the job so. whos laughing now emily KSBFKSBFKDN#this is what i mean though like. rn i feel fine. not on top of the world‚ not like a god#just. fine. i just dont feel like shit. i feel like i can do stuff if i want to‚ or chill peacefully and have it actually be. relaxing.#i dont feel like gravel right now‚ i feel like a person.#and god what a fucking relief it is#really i guess the moral overall is that if at any point you react to trying a new drug the same way an addict craving a hit for days would#then there maybe is something up with your brain chemistry because that means your default state of existence is comparable to that#of withdrawal. a famously shit experience
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crescentfool · 9 months
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doing things outside of your usual is such a humbling experience...
#lizzy speaks#to those who are curious what prompted this: my friend and i are collaborating on a video essay together#we picked it back up a week and a half ago after it laid in limbo for a month or two#and we're currently in the phase of editing it together (scripting + recording the VO is done)#and MAN. my respect for people who work on scripted/informative content just shot up through the ROOF#most of my experience with editing comes from footage first and then edit down approach (rather than creating/gathering visuals to uplift-#a written script) and it's. well. they engage with very different skillsets i think#my friend who i am collaborating with is very amused at me because this is not her first rodeo. meanwhile me as a first-timer.#i am telling her about how i am losing my mind over my editing timeline having gaps of footage because i couldn't think of anything to put#for certain portions (or i just didnt feel like looking through preexisting footage on the internet and dl-ing it)#and she compared it to 'telling a kid whos going thru puberty that its normal' EKLHFGLHH#im ngl the way i have spent like maybe 10 hours today off and on looking up footage and fact checking the splat artbook is so. explodes#it makes sifting through an 11 hour batch of footage of me playing big run sound like a cakewalk in comparison LMAOO#anyway if you read this far thank you :D i hope that in 2024 i can continue to be humbled in trying new things#and i highly encourage others 2 do so too! try a new method of approaching something or do smthn slightly adjacent to what you do!#tis a good learning experience and also makes u very appreciative of the things that are out there methinks#im literally only editing an 11 minute segment or so idfk how people make those 1+ hr video essays LIKE HELLO??? ESP IF ITS LICENSED MEDIA#HOW DO U GET ALL THE FOOTAGE FOR THAT. U MUST BE REALLY HYPERFIXATED AND DEDICATED TO THAT. DAMN. anyway. have a good 2023 everyone!
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rebellum · 2 months
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God writing that last post was so, so hard.
Rn I feel the weight of every sadness and every bad thing that's happened to me since I was 9 and had my first important pet death
#my brain:#hey remember when your cat died and for years you thought it was your fault?#hey remember when your dog died and then like a week later your childhood best friends told you they never wanted to speak to you again and#how you still have NO idea why?#remember the depression that sent you into and how scared you felt that you could FEEL the happiness going away?#remember how your first suicide attempt was that year?#remember how when you were 15 you suddenly turned trans and also developed severe mental health issues and also your childhood cat died#while you were away so you felt you never got to say goodbye?#and how that same year you got groomed possibly TWICE?#and how that same year you got sexually assaulted in a way that was so weird you assumed no one would beleive you so you just didnt tell#anyone for years?#remember a couple years ago how you got the news you wouldnt graduate and then a month later granny died#and then a few months later your cat died very very painfully in your arms over a period of several hours while you suffered through choice#paralysis because you couldnt decide whether to take her to the far away emergency hospital since that would cause her MORE pain?#remember how you had to seriously consider asking your hunter neighbour to come inside and snap her neck?#remember how a week later your dog (who you got at age 12 to try to feel better about your other dog who just died and to try to stave off#inactivity from depression) had to be put down?#remember how 2 weeks after that your favourite uncle died unexpectedly?#hey remember how last week you got the call that your grand dad died?#thanks brain! i DID need to remember everything that was very helpful
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adriles · 1 year
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I’m curious which war crimes you do and don’t approve of
i enjoy any war crime induced by rage, racking up a ton of kills, maiming every enemy combatant in sight. only shitheads kill in attempt to live up to the heroism of others
#thinking about malouf’s ransom specifically here lol#when he writes achilles’ having a vision of priam’s death at the hands of neoptolemus#with the attempt of avenging his father. but their is nothing to avenge. same with polyxena#in hecuba they have it be tbat achilles’ spirit comes before neoptolemus and tells him to kill her to return#but i could just be a euripides hater with the exception of his helen play but. that doesnt sit right with me#it is to appease the wind in the same way iphigenia was to appease the gods#it was bound to happen anyways. but it is upon achilles’ grave as neoptolemus again sees himself as avenging his father#it is an unsatisfying act. all that killing for the sake of achilles#sure u can be like. polyxena led him to the gates#but she didnt kill him that is paris and apollo#but paris is already dead so who is left for neoptolemus to target as his father’s avenger#it is a role without any use. it is pointless.#and when we see achilles in the odyssey he barely cares about the news of his own son beyond odysseus saying yeah he is chilling#it is more to lament his own suffering#i dont think achilles cares in the end about neoptolemus. he is just a boy like his father bred for war and desperate#for purpose and attachment#beyond that tho. i dont think achilles would approve of killing priam like that is the main thing#he is not above violence to the man. he threatens him in book 24. but in the end there is a respect there. for the grief and loss they share#malouf writes about the shame that follows neoptolemus after everything#and i think that is a far more poignant thing than disappointment from the father you barely know#to carry the weight of your actions knowing that your father would so differently#again achilles is a piece of shit and would do the same if not worse in his son’s place#but in his place toward priam he wouldnt. and neoptolemus reaps that destruction anyways#this is long winded the point is the shame rather than the actual disapproval of war crimes lol#i will say i dont think achilles’ rage and revenge is to the same level. he laments after patroclus died that it hurts more than he thought#because he would think losing a father or son to be more heartbreaking#but no it is the loss of the equal and confidant that hurts the most#but neoptolemus never knew his father. this isnt for his father’s personal sake it is for his legacy + where neoptolemus will end up with it#and therein lies the difference. they have that familial bond but no real connection#ask
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zanderbobs · 4 months
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Hey guys maybe if you have an issue with the way your housemate has cleaned something or left a bit of a mess maybe don't clean it up and then tell them a whole day after instead of just. You know. Asking your housemate who is literally in the next room to just clean it up
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bangcakes · 8 months
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.
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dullahandyke · 2 years
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No but for real envision with me. Metis's Noh mask. Explodes
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butchlifeguard · 2 months
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primrose's ch3 is GOOD btw
#fucking simeon bro.......#i cant yap too hard without doing spoilers so heres another tag to fill space lalalala#ot1 spoilers#octopath spoilers#ANYWAYYY it starts with primrose coming back to her hometown which is already pretty strong#seeing a guy Fucking dying which is a great way to establish the harm done by the obsidian people and establish their power#.because if they didnt have a great amount of political power simeons entire motivation would fall through#but in the flashbacks he was sooo fucking good the writing (+ eng translation) did a good job of creating a gray area#between 'nice guy who is also courteous because primrose is a noble' and 'creep who might have a slightly overbearing crush on this kid'#bc shes like. 8 right ? and hes old enough to work as a gardener w/o his parents also being in service of the azelharts#so probably 17 at least?#ok um. i just looked up his age on the wiki and i dont know what the fuck is going on there#i didnt spoil myself but why is he 126.#anyway i actually feel like thats worse 💀#and then his breakdown calling himself primroses one true love..#shes so good i love the contrast between everyonee calling her beautiful + whatever the fuck helgenish and simeon were doing#and her showing no romantic interest in anyone. romance repulsed icon tbh#3 people this chapter were like 'lady primrose you have grown so beautiful since we last saw you' and shes like 😐#coming back around to simeons twist villain shit they went OFF reinforcing primroses performer theme#'the crowd gasps' etc etc. DAMN BRO#a lot of her story is theatrical drama coded ime. like with the ending narration saying 'tragic or happy ending'#she does seem like a dark take on a princess archetype which is cool#anyway the actual use of the game is good here too#the dark screen after she gets knocked out with the perfectly timed music??#and the flashbacks and the use of the titles on peoples speech bubbles#because the shift from 'simeon' to 'simeon the puppet master' kind kf made me lose it a little bit#RIGHT BEFORE the flashback where hes just 'gardener' ? yeah thats a banger#overall this is fairly simple good storytelling but it all comes together along w the actual game mechanics to make one of my...#... favorite chapters so far. plus im really excited for her ch4 now.
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haveihitanerve · 4 months
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Bruce sends his kids little notes using carrier bats. It first started when Dick moved out and he wanted to talk to his son but didn't want to call and then have dick hang up on him or decline, didn't want to see his message be left on read, so he bought a little circus bat and taught it to fly to wherever Dick’s scent was (ie he would hang a piece of dicks clothing up at one end of the cave) and built him a nest built of dicks old bedsheets and then tied a little note to its foot, just a little question about how the weather is in Bludhaven and if hes getting enough sleep and alfred misses him, nothing that can be seen as overbearing or forcing himself into his life, and the little bat flies all the way to Bludhaven and hangs on Dicks window and Dick sees it and memories slam into him full force because bats are batman and robin and he cant, not yet. So he doesn't open the window. Ignores him. But the little bat is anything if not as stubborn as the man who trained him so he stays. And after two days Dick relents because the bat hasn't moved an inch and is probably hungry, so he brings him inside and then he sees the note for the first time and opens it and then he breaks and the tears flow because Bruce cares and bruce still wants him. And dick spends time with the little bat and takes it on missions as Nightwing because they’re both nocturnal and then finally, dick attaches a little note to the bats leg and he flies off to bruce. And bruce sees the little bat on his window and opens it, when he spots Dick standing just below, smiling faintly. “Hey b.” 
Bruce gets a bat from the cave ceiling for Babs almost immediately after her accident with Joker because he has responsibilities but he cant leave her alone so he sends her notes everyday and hopes the bat is a good enough companion and when she becomes oracle the bat serves as an exchange of information and contacts and bruce still uses him to check up on her and babs rolls her eyes everytime, but its fond
And so then when Jason comes bruce finds another little bat hanging in crime alley and uses her as a therapy animal after he dies and trains her the way he trained Dick’s but the bat doesn't have anyone to fly to and bruce tries not to cry when he sends it out with notes and it returns because it has no one to deliver to… until one day it doesn't come back. And bruce is afraid and confused and a week later the bat is back, a new note attached to her leg and bruce takes it and breaks down and he gets to talk to his son again. 
Tim already comes with his own bat because Nightwing has one, but the little girl imprints on Bruce right away and Tim pouts but he cant really be angry, not when Bruce sends his bat over to him almost daily while hes in the batcave or his room or the tower with reminders to eat and sleep and coupons for coffee
When Steph arrives Bruce hates himself for firing her but he just cant right now, but he stills gets a bat from the cave and sends it to her and apologizes because he cant bring himself to leave everything unspoken between them and Steph actually adores it and every so often she’ll send him a note and bruce knows hes forgiven
For Damian theres no need for a bat because he lives in the house with Bruce, but then they have Goliath and well… he serves as a messenger when no one else can get damian out of the training area
bruce has never named the bats, thinking that was for them alone to do and he didnt want to get too attached because theres always a chance he pushed too far and his kids wont send a message back, but one day all his kids were hanging out in the living room together and bruce had just come up to join them when he hears dick say "hey wheres b? the movie's about to start?" and jason chucks a piece of popcorn in his mouth and goes "idk, ill send him a note." but tim goes "no i will!" and all together they yell "ROBIN!!!" and all their bats come flying from the cave and fly to their specific masters and Bruce cant fight the tears and when every little bat flies towards him and delivers their note he walks out into the living room and gives them the biggest hug
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jvzebel-x · 1 year
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🦋
#hmmmm.#so i know that like. i come across-- pretty purposefully i knowww lmao-- as someone who Hates doctors#(&like. perhaps medical personnel in general lmao.)#i will give that this is a fair assessment based on my semi-regular bitching. lmao.#but also like i deal w medical personnel&aspiring medical personnel like. a lot lmao.#the actual amount of these ppl i deal w vs the percentage that i go ballistic over makes it a nonissue as far as im concerned lmao.#(actually quite reminiscent of when ppl accuse me of hating yt ppl just bc i complain about them specifically as if i dont live in portland#where the percentage of these ppl i deal w is damn near 100%&would be if i didnt purposefully go out of my way to change that lmao.#it is not my fault that i deal w specific things that can be chalked up to specific categorizations&am willing to note why that is lmao.)#anyway so i had to work around a new oncologist for a variety of reasons lmao&the new doc i have also specializes in#disordered eating which i guess makes sense as a gastric&intestinal focused oncologist&we had the most fascinating preintake convo.#lately my gastroparesis has been like. absurdly bad lmao. its always been a problem but the last couple months ive been dropping weight#again like crazy bc my food isnt getting digested-- just thrown back up after a few hours bc human bodies arent meant to ferment shit lmao.#the meds i started taking a bit ago for it have been helping but not enough to help me gain any weight back-- im back to being#solidly under a 100lbs lmao&its been wreaking havok all over like. everything. lmao.#something something this is likely due in part to the Bad mania lmao. but seeing as im probably stuck w my fucked up head#regardless of the nature or nurture of it all as w most of this shit it doesnt really matter i just need to find a way to fix it lmao.#so anyway we were talking about the mental issues that are starting to surface-- bc if i throw fucking everything up i dont want to eat#(which is i guess the mirror version of what my problem was for YEARS before my diagnosis when i would eat whatever the fuck i wanted#bc it all caused me pain no matter what so if its a choice between a salad&beef jerky+coke+ice cream its literally a no brainer lmao.)#(... i actually won more than one ice cream eating contest back when it was still a thing i could do back home lmao.)#but anyway part of my thing right now is also like. im having a difficult time wanting to eat bc theres the obvious fact that cooking#for myself feels like a huge waste of time&energy if im just going to puke it all back up&be in pain again anyway.#&the other part of my thing right now is that i fucking hate wasting the amount of food im wasting doing this shit.#both these problems are like. life long problems that any permadisabled poor person will def recognize lmao#but lately its been SO BAD. the holy trinity of wasted time+money+food has literally just been too fucking much lmao.#&the doc thus far is really receptive to the practical problems like this as well as the more specific to me+nuanced problems#which is just. so incredibly relieving. at least for right now lmao.
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blushweddinggowns · 2 months
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Eddie woke up with a pounding headache and an intense sense of dread. He groaned as he sat up, shutting his eyes to block out the searing light from the window.
He took a deep breath before opening them again, letting out a sigh of relief when he realized he was in his own room, safe in their apartment. But that wasn't stopping his pounding headache.
God, what the fuck happened last night? He remembered going to Gareth’s party, getting cross-faded. Then, just pure white-boy wasted as the night went on and someone brought out tequila shots. He remembered whining about missing Steve to some guy-
Oh god. The guy. It came screaming back to him, blurry and unfocused but there.
I can be your boyfriend for the night.
How the fuck had the line worked on him? Eddie didn't know, but he knew that it had. He remembered kissing him, whimpering into his mouth while moaning Steve’s name. How good it felt.
What the fuck had he done?
Pure panic was starting to set in. He cheated on Steve. He actually cheated on Steve. And for what? Because he hadn't seen him for a few weeks? It only took one vacation with Robin for him to destroy the trust they built? Was he that pathetic? That selfish? That idiotic?
He didn't even remember how far they'd gone. He didn't even know how he got home. Or if the guy came with him. The idea of him fucking someone else in their bed made him feel physically ill. Ill enough to have Eddie jumping out of bed, frantic as he looked around for any clues. But there was nothing. Just the evidence of the life he'd built with his boyfriend. The one that he had single handedly ruined.
Maybe he could just not tell him. Keep it secret for the rest of his fucking life. Track down anyone who did know and blackmail them to be quiet. That seemed more sane then coming clean. Sane enough to have Eddie stumbling out of his room in a hurry.
But before he could call Gareth to insanely demand the names of anyone who could have seen him, he smelled it. The scent of coffee brewing, plus the sound of a happy hum.
Steve was home. A whole day early.
Holy shit, Eddie was going to be sick. He was actually going to puke. The feeling bad enough to make his legs weak, so bad he crashed right into the wall.
Loud enough to have Steve calling after him, "Babe, is that you?"
Eddie opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out.
Not when Steve was rounding the corner, smiling at him like that. All soft and loving, "There you are. Rough night?"
Was that the last time he would look at him like that?
"Eddie?" Steve asked, frowning at his lack of answer, "Are you okay?"
Eddie wanted to die. He actually wanted to die. Why had he done this? But he couldn't lie to him. Not with the sweet, trusting way Steve was looking at him. He just couldn't.
"I need to tell you something," Eddie finally managed to choke out, his heart beating so fast he was scared Steve could hear it. Maybe he'd have a heart attack it he was lucky. Avoid this whole shit show through almost dying.
But he wasn't that lucky.
Steve cocked his head at him, "What's wrong?"
"I'm so sorry, Stevie," Eddie said, letting his first thought come out, "I'm so fucking sorry."
"What are you talking about?"
"I kissed someone," Eddie blurted out, his hands shaking as he started to word vomit, "Last night. A-At the party I told you about."
Steve just stared at him.
"I-I was drunk!" Eddie went on, his voice coming out wet, "It didnt mean anything, I don't even know why I did it."
Steve still wasn't saying anything. He was just looking at him, his expression unreadable. It just made Eddie feel more desperate.
"Please say something," Eddie begged, "I know this is bad. I do. But I dont even know who he is. I-I won't do it again!"
Steve still had his head cocked as he looked at him, something in his eyes that Eddie didn't understand, "Is that all?"
Fuck no that wasn't all. Not when Steve was looking at him like that. Eddie didn't even think about it as he sunk to his knees, fully fucking ready to beg at Steve’s feet.
"I love you," Eddie tried, the tears he was holding back finally starting to fall, "I fucked up. I know I fucked up but please don't leave me. Please. I can make up for this. I can. Please."
It was hard to see him through the tears in his eyes, hard to comprehend anything through how fucking bad Eddie felt, the sheer amount of self-loathing nearly drowning him completely. His vision was cloudy enough to almost make it look like Steve was... smiling at him?
Steve reached down, grabbing Eddie underneath the armpits to help lift him back onto his feet. Strong in a way that still made Eddie's heart skip a beat whenever he saw it in action. He led a still sniffling Eddie to the couch, grabbing for his hand when they sat down.
"Baby, how do you think you got home last night?" Steve asked.
Eddie frowned, "I-I don't know. I don't remember."
"Do you remember what the guy looked like?"
Eddie swallowed, so nervous he was still kind of afraid he was going to puke. And he highly doubted that puking on Steve would help his case for him to stay, "I don't remember fully."
"What do you remember?"
Eddie sighed, looking down into his lap, "I remember missing you. And then a point where I got drunk enough to say it to anyone who would listen. Then this guy showed up and he said-"
"I can be your boyfriend for the night?"
Eddie snapped his head up, staring at Steve with his mouth open. How the fuck did he know that?
"And then did he do this?" Steve asked as he brought his hand up, cupping Eddie's cheek. Looking at him like he was the most precious thing in the world before placing his thumb on Eddie's bottom lip, teasing it with a smile, "Before saying you were beautiful?"
"I-yes? But how-"
"Honey," Steve sighed, a touch exasperated but mostly fond, "I got back last night. Then went to go find you when I remembered about the party."
Oh god, did that mean Steve saw the whole thing? Was this the calm before he kicked Eddie out? Was he about to be dumped-
"I can see your brain working babe, but it's working in the wrong direction."
"Huh?" Eddie asked, completely lost on why Steve was smiling at him instead of cursing his name.
"Eddie, it was me," Steve said calmly, though his face said he was holding back a laugh, "You made out with me. Before I took us home and you failed at trying to give me road head on the way home. Twice."
"I-what?" Eddie asked, shellshocked.
"You cheated on me with me, babe," Steve laughed, his calm face finally breaking, "Then when we got home, you cried about missing me to me. You're adorable when you're wasted. Stupid, but adorable."
"Oh my fucking God," Eddie breathed out, the reality of the situation hitting him. He groaned, hiding his face in his hands while Steve cackled next to him. He had never felt like a bigger fucking moron, Jesus Christ, "I am never drinking tequila again."
"Good idea," Steve chuckled as he pried Eddie's hands away from his face. He brought one to his mouth, kissing his fingers as he grinned, "But I love the honesty, sweetheart. 10/10. And the begging? Kind of hot."
"I was terrified!" Eddie moaned, staring up at the ceiling as a blush climbed up his neck, "You scared the shit out of me."
"You scared yourself!" Steve laughed, grabbing for Eddie's chin to force his head back down to look at him. He leaned in, pressing a kiss to his forehead, "My favorite little drama queen."
"You're a bastard," Eddie grumbled, like he wasn't smiling when Steve leaned in to kiss him on the lips, "Evil."
"But wasn't I a good boyfriend for the night?" Steve asked, laughing even harder when Eddie pinched his side. Eddie leaned in to kiss him again, effectively shutting him up as the last of his anxiety drained away.
But one thing was for sure. Tequila would be his worst enemy until the day he died.
Purely inspired by this post by @hawkinsbnbg
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nezushi · 2 years
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its a little embarrassing how whipped i am for girls...i cannot hide it at all.....like we get it you like girls shut up
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The Cage Of My Rib
"Aegon?" "Mmm." "They say twins come from a split rib... do you think it is true?" "Pfft, no. If it were, I'd be short and ugly like you!"
Aegon Targaryen x Targaryen!Reader x Aemond Targaryen | 1k+ | cw: fem!reader, targcest, twin!reader, wife!reader, pregnancy, motherhood, post-rook's rest, angst, fluff, typos, etc.
A/N: this is a fic I wrote for my lovely luna. im going to be completely honest with you. i had a vision then i didnt... i dont know if this has a happy ending im so sorry T_T HAHAHAHAHA @vhagar-balerion-meraxes I HOPE YOU LIKE IT!!
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His skin was scalding as he stormed into the dragon pit. His nostrils flared at the sight of the dragon about to exit and take flight. He clenches his fists, "keligon."
My mount rumbles at the sound of the command. I, at first, do not realize the command was given and pat my dragon's skin, encouraging her to continue.
"KELIGON!"
Both my dragon and I turn, seeing Aemond march towards us with a face painted in fury. He screams again, "STOP!"
I furrow my brows and hush my ride when she grows restless. She screeches at Aemond to show her displeasure, and so in turn, I have to calm her down as my he approaches. I pull on my reins and scowl at him. I quip in High Valyrian, "you dare command Rhovior while I am mounted?"
Aemond looks up at me, pulse raging in anger. He screams again at her, commanding my dragon to obey him with such severity that she forgets her own predatory inclination and submits. Rhovior then cranes her long neck to the side and looks up at me. Her violet eyes reflect my own and I rub her pinkish scales before turning back to the man.
"Get down," he commands me in High Valyrian, reaching a hand out to me.
I clench my jaw and tilt my head at him, "I do not wish to."
His nostrils flare, "you truly think it wise to fly on dragonback in the middle of a war?"
"I am not flying into war, brother."
"You are not flying anywhere," he snaps, "wife."
Rhovior was getting restless again. She begins to shake her head and shift towards Aemond. I have to calm her down, lest the one-eyed prince be left one-armed or worse. He at least has the mind to step away from her at this point, his hands coming to his side.
Aemond clenches his jaw as I calm Rhovior. I grunt when part of the saddle digs into my belly. My husband flinches, boot skidding forward on instinct. He hisses in the High Valyrian once more, "you are in no state to be flying."
I make sure my ride is completely calm before finally dismounting. Once I do, Aemond comes upon me, glaring down with a furious eye.
"I am her rider," I repeat in the same tongue, "she would not cause me harm."
"She does not need to cause you harm for harm to come to our child."
I step forward. My protruded belly barely brushes against him, "she would not harm my child."
"Our child," he corrects, "I have as much say on what happens to the babe as you do."
I sigh and close my eyes. I hear Aemond command the dragon keepers to bring Rhovior back into the pit. I rub my belly and ignore my husband, walking past him.
"Do you think you would be spared simply because you are a woman with child? Rhaenyra will spare none in King's Landing to have her way."
I remove my gloves while he follows after me. I respond by the time I feel him beside me, "as I said, I was not flying into w-"
"Flying at all is an act of war," he grabs my arm, forcing me to face him, "you are my wife."
I whip my head, pulling my arm out of his clutch, my silver hair flipping behind me.
"You carry my seed."
"Trust me, Prince Regent, I know what I carry inside me better than you."
Aemond's jaw sets. The muscles on his face feather. I can practically feel the anger radiating off him. My stomach begins to churn. I look down and sigh. I step forward and grab his bicep. I can feel his muscles are tense. I whisper, "I would not have flown far."
He does not reply.
I look up at him. His face is bound in anger. I reach for his cheek, but he pulls away and steps back before I touch him.
I gulp. I allow my hands to drop.
His silence held the violence of a storm, and his stoic expression held something searing beneath it. His voice held a false serenity as he whispered, "you'll have to kill me before you forfeit so much to a dead man walking."
I stare at him. I do not argue with his distasteful comment nor do I correct his belief that I meant to fly out to do something for the said man.
I simply walk away after he's said his piece and head for my chambers.
I change out of my riding clothes and go to the nursery. I dismiss the wet nurse and tell her I will continue breast feeding my son.
I immediately take my child onto my hip and rub his back as I make my way down the hall. Aenar sighs into my shoulder, his soft cheek pressed against my neck. I make it to the King's quarters and nod at the Kingsguard stationed outside his room as he opens the doors for me.
I stop just as I enter; the sight and the smell never gets easier to palate. I shift my boy in my arm when he begins to fuss. A mewl from across the room makes my heart twinge.
I walk towards the bed, the sound of my heels on the tiles reverberate in the otherwise silent chamber. By the time I sit down on the chair beside the bed, Aenar is restless, and so I undo the ribbons on my chest and allow my baby to feed.
I stroke my son's head, rocking him in my arms slightly, but my eyes are on the man before me and his are on mine. Aegon's lilac gaze is watery. His lips are dry as he speaks, "you shouldn't be here."
I adjust my son in my arms so his weight doesn't put so much pressure on my belly. I rub the boy's bald head, "and where should I be, my king?"
He scoffs but regrets it when he breaks into a ragged cough. I huff when it doesn't seem to stop and reach for the glass of water on his bedside table. I manage to keep a firm grip on son as I help him drink. Liquid spills from the corner of his lips and soon he shakes his head, making me pull away.
"There is no king here."
I simply wipe his skin, careful not to irritate him. Aegon watches me, or rather, he watches Aenar. I freeze when he grabs my wrist weakly before I pull away.
His voice is soft and strangled, "you misunderstand."
He releases his hold. I put the cloth down.
"I don't want you here."
We stare at each other. I am unfazed because I knew he did not mean it. I adjust Aenar in my arms. He stops suckling after this, and so I move him to my other shoulder and lace up the ties on my chest. I rub his back and gently pat him, "shall I move to the other side of the bed then?"
Aegon does not reply.
Aenar burps softly. I lean into him and kiss his head, "good boy."
His eyes water. He screws them shut, "do not insult me further-" his nostrils flare, "-and fucking leave."
My brows knit, "I've not yet helped you ea-"
"I DON'T WANT YOU HERE!" he snaps, spit flying out his mouth as he screams.
I jolt at the severity of his tone. Aemond, even with his display prior, was never one to shout at me, not even as a child. Aegon, however, always did. It did not make it any bearable. Aenar too was affected by the shout. He promptly begins to sob.
I immediately begin to rock him and shush him. When he does calm, I cradle him in my arms and sing to him. It was my favorite High Valyrian lullaby, one that our father sung to us in but a few instances or less.
Aegon's face twitches at the sound. The act causes his tender injuries to flair. Tears stream down his face.
It takes two repetitions of the song for my baby finally find peace again. By the time he does, I feel out of breath. I sit back down but do not stop rocking him. Aenar coos and I do not dare to cease my singing.
That is, until, Aegon calls my name.
Not only do I stop singing, I stop moving altogether.
His eyes are closed and his voice is shaky, "your being swells with life while mine wastes away."
"No, you get better everyda-"
"I am a dead man walking," he chuckles dryly, "I cannot even walk-"
"And did Aemond tell you this?"
His eyes slowly open. A tear drips into his mouth, "I know what I carry inside me better than he."
Aenar begins to fuss again, and so I bring him to my shoulder and pat his back.
Our silence is broken by the sound of my brother and I saying each other's names at once. I pull my chair close to him. He slowly shakes his head in disagreement, screwing his eyes shut.
"I am here," I tell him.
He chuckles, "I pray you were not."
"I will always be here, Aegon. Your woes are mine and my joy is yours."
He slowly opens his eyes. He sniffles and mumbles, "you are not my wife."
"I am your twin-"
"I am glad of it," he reaches out a hand. I perk and lean in, knowing exactly what he wanted instinctively. I maneuver Aenar until he was laid back in my arms. Aegon's curled hand comes to my son's leg. His breathing is heavy, "he would have been Jaehaerys."
I clench my jaw and place my hand atop his.
He huffs slowly through his mouth, "I cannot feel you anymore."
I rub his burnt hand, "perhaps not in flesh, but always in heart."
Aegon slowly pulls his hand away.
"I wanted to pick you flowers, but Aemond did not let me."
"I would not have either if I were him."
"But you are not."
"I wish sometimes I was," he looks away, "how content I would have been to be born the second son... to have you."
"You have me."
He chuckles, mumbling under his breath, "do not tell him that. My injuries are suffice."
I cradle Aenar as he snuggles into my breast.
"Do you remember what you asked me when we were children?"
I nod, immediately knowing what he meant, "if twins are split from the rib?"
He hums, "if we were, I am glad that you are rid of me."
"I am glad we are not joined at the rib, but I do not wish to be rid of you."
He mumbles my name. No one but himself hears.
I adjust my baby's collar, "I should put him down. I will return before your supper is served."
He does not reply. I give him one last look before heading back.
I enter the nursery. I stop in my tracks when I see the figure looming over the cot. Aemond turns over his shoulder. I blink at the sight of his distraught expression before walking over to him.
I stop beside him, debating where I should place my son. I decide to hand him to Aemond, who graciously takes him into his arms. Aenar mewls before settling against him. A line forms between Aemond's brows as he gazes at the boy. He mutters, "how is he?"
His words hold double meaning and yet I could feel like it was a trick, to see if I would talk about Aegon.
I step closer, gazing at the infant who was blissfully unware of all that was around him. I stroke his cheek with my finger, "he is tired," I pull away, "not unlike his father."
Aemond turns to me as I rub my belly. He clenches his jaw but says nothing.
I cautiously reach out for his cheek. He does not pull away from me this time, "I will return to join you for supper."
I wait for him to respond. I walk out when he does not. He watches as the door close. He turns away after the click.
"Keligon, muña," Aemond mutters as though it was his son speaking. He then shushes him, "muña kessa daor henujagon īlva..."
Mother will not leave us.
"... my son."
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