#it also comes in waves of pain
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anyone else just feel sick to their stomach them the stomach pain moves over to the top of pointer finger and your pointer finger starts being in pain is that normal or do I need to see a hospital doctor
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not the #innerchild of it all but think my 7 and 17 year old selves would absolutely lose! it! to know I’m spending my mid-October Sunday going deep into the woods on a spirit-vision-directed quest to find a mushroom for obscure magical purposes, also my hot boyfriend who I live with packed me lunch (+ I am also a hot boyfriend)
#this season change has had its bumps ft some health shifts and ongoing big structural/personal grief but!#the body’s doing her thing and also on a new herbal regime that’s made chronic pain of the past year nearly……vanish? almost overnight#I managed to fuck! for the first time in months! the other week and it was unexpected and blissfully easy#I can be out a few times a week walking! which is accelerating my practice in weird+great ways and just wasn’t possible before#lotta big existential gratitude coming in waves#I fucking love October#diary
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I think a lot about Dean and how he molds love to fit around violence and control to explain his actions to himself. I think a lot about how Soulless Sam said he needed help and Dean beat him unconscious. I think a lot about Dean believing Sam’s hallucinations lured him off and how Dean greeted him with a punch to the face. I think a lot about Dean locking Sam up in the panic room to detox or die. I think a lot about how Dean hurts Sam when he thinks he’s in danger, especially when that danger is coming from within Sam.
#there’s so much wrong with him lmao. I love it.#when the threat is coming from the outside Dean can turn his anger and violence onto it accordingly#but when the threat is inside Sam? when the threat might even just be Sam? wires get crossed and Sam gets clocked across the jaw.#I mostly think about the punch in the Amy episode though. that one will always make me ill#by Dean’s on admission for all he knows Sam is having another pyschotic break. and the last one ended with him waving a gun around.#for all Dean knows the devil is in Sam’s head tormenting him. and then when he sees him. he punches Sam as hard as he can.#and. like. I guess he did learn that pain drives Lucifer out last episode. I guess he could just be making use of that knowledge quickly.#but like. he’s also been visibly frustrated and annoyed by Sam being traumatized in front of him.#and a lot of it is powerless. he couldn’t save Sam. this is not something Dean can fight.#but you know. what can he do? punch Sam in the face. take his car back. take the strongest control of the situation he can by killing Amy.#idk. idk. scenes that literally make me ill but also I can’t stop thinking about it#dean winchester#spn
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#i wouldnt usually care about stuff like this. but every month or so i get two or three asks like this and i just got one earlier today#and look. i’m not saying u can’t hate ns or dislike them. feel free to send me asks that are like ‘ns you are stupid and you suck and i hate#you’ he IS stupid and he DOES suck and he is quite hateable. that’s fine#it’s just when you start sending me wholeass paragraphs explaining every single detail you hate about ns and how they deserve a slow and#painful death that i think two things: 1. you are finite waves reincarnated 2. you are weird! and strange even!#what are you on about! ns absolutely does NOT deserve a slow and painful death! and you absolutely do Not have to be so hostile and#aggressive towards them as a character! like Please relax. we serve bullshit here sir#most anti-ns asks i get are funny and are light hearted because it’s just people messing with ns on purpose or mocking him and making him#mad because he easily gets mad and it’s funny. Like those asks are fine. it’s another deal entirely when you send me this detailed and—#honestly—really mean message. I guess i am not surprised considering how similar ns and pebbles are in terms of personality#(and circumstances somewhat) and we all know how the fandom treats pebbles. even worse than ns. but yeah anyway#they are not an irredeemable unforgivable monster and they do not deserve to die. Hope this helps#to me even calling them a Bad Person is kind of a stretch. let alone the shit some of you are saying about them#we have to get normal about mentally ill and traumatized and autistic characters gang!#crammerposting#i also do not appreciate when people insuniate that ns is stupid for overworking himself and damaging his structure and so on and so forth#yes it is his fault but that didn’t mean he deserved what he had coming to him or anything like that. be nice to him
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I spent the last week mostly crying and healing old wounds and having revelations and also facing things I already knew on a bone-deep level but also I spent the last week reading Mark van Doren’s The Noble Voice and oh my gosh he’s so right the Aeneid really falls so much shorter of the Iliad and the Odyssey because Aeneas is a stand-in for history and the Weight of Rome not actually a real person.
#anyway I’m being cryptic so in the interest of being direct:#I went to visit the motherhouse of the order of Dominicans who taught me growing up#to see if it was right for me#(a decision that was a long time coming. a longgggggg time coming)#and I need things to settle and they have decidedly not yet because I cannot even explain the anxiety that this unlocked#but. because I do want to talk about it for a second#because there is nothing wrong with how I reach conclusions about things and I have to remind myself of that#I do not believe it is for me and I will most likely not enter#and the grief that unlocked has surprised me because it’s been a mental safety net for me for the last ten years#and underneath the pressure and pain (there was stuff that happened to me that should NOT have)#(in the form of people having decided opinions about my future and what it should be)#(another reason I had to go because it had gotten so tangled up and I was so bitter and hurt)#I have always loved this place so deeply#and I still do and being able to separate that from my present. To see that I could love it and to know that I don’t belong there#Has brought me peace (I think. the anxiety is still in high gear but I believe it’s peace underneath) and also waves of grief!!!!!#Anyway it was SO much and I am still reeling and also it was so good#One: because I was able to say that I had been hurt and it was wrong and then I was truly validated for that#Validated feels like a weak word#Because it was better#But the mistress of novices was so angry on my behalf#And tbh that wasn’t why I went. It couldn’t be. I had to have a reason that went deeper than that and that could stand alone#no matter the reception to my story (which I couldn’t predict)!#but it happened anyway and it was good#and then the other thing is this weird double-handed thing of having all this flood of intuitions and reasons and things falling into place#which my analytical brain LOVED and then God almost putting a hand on my shoulder and being like ‘it doesn’t matter’#Not as in: I was wrong#Because. I was RIGHT. But there’s a secret third thing#And the secret third thing was just (is just) God saying: come closer. Come closer to me.#Trust me more. No—MORE#And it just. Whew. This is a lot but it’s been a lot!!!! It’s been so much!!!!!!!!!
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Chapter 22: Appearance of Light
#so like bull black is possessing hyuuga's body right??? cause this seems like a possession weakening over time since the pain is obviously#not standard pain but it's in waves and ik hyuuga does get the suit so that's gotta be it right??#like how else would he get the suit and tbh could bull black have lived 3000 years or is it his spirit that lingered bc of his resolve#like we saw hyuuga fall into the ground and bull black was also down there so maybe... also they brought up hyuuga again and i'm seeing#pieces of foreshadowing coming together here#gingaman lb#super sentai lb#umbrella.thoughts#umbrella.posts
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me, trying to explain the plot for my next fic: vibes
#look it's a pinterest board#but only with pictures of waves#and also get this#it's those 3 songs that have nothing to do with each other#and that recording of church bells#and also 10 moments from the show#i swear it all comes together in the end#(it's doesn't)#in other news#i cannot write i cannot plot#writing#is a pain in the ass#the plot is vibes and aesthetic#it's two words that bounce around my brain until i get an idea#also i'm not saying the whole story is just based on one very specific picture of one of the characters#but also it is
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@beatingheart-bride
Setting aside his knife and fork, Randall gently took her hand in his with a soft smile, saying, "I appreciate that-I...I don't want to pry if you don't want me to...but if you're willing to talk about it, I'm willing to listen."
On the one hand, he didn't want to bring down the mood again; they were enjoying a lovely dinner (or rather, he was; he felt a twinge of guilt, worried that her lack of an appetite was his fault), watching a great movie and about to begin working on the model kit, and he didn't want to completely ruin the evening...
...but at the same time, a part of him wanted to ask-not because he was nosy, but because he felt it might do Emily some good to talk about it. She seemed so very lonely, a fact that broke his heart, and that she had a lot on her mind as a result. He wanted to help to alleviate that loneliness, that heartache, if he could.
Without thinking about it, he brought her hand up to kiss her knuckle, an action that almost felt like a reflex when he did it. It felt as if he had done it a thousand times before...even if, surely, he hadn't. Realizing this, he blushed and let go of her hand, saying shyly, "Th-That was forward of me, I-I'm sorry."
#((exactly! it's gonna be such an intense wave of memories; both good and bad))#((and all the associated feelings; it would be overwhelming for anybody!))#((and so he's gonna appreciate emily being there; just as she's going to appreciate having him remember her))#((and the love they shared once upon a time; and will share again!))#((and as you said; the decision to turn randall isn't going to be an easy one for emily!))#((he comes to the conclusion that he wants the change fairly quickly...but he'll have to convince her))#((and that'll be a tough sell; because as much as she wants him to be there; to never lose him again))#((she also doesn't want him damning his soul on her account; nor going through the pain that she did!))#((he'll still manage to convince her but even so...oof!))#outofhatboxes#beatingheart-bride#V:Dark Shadows
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...
#hello darkness my old friend. I have insomnia again#it seems i wont get back to sleep. making this the 4th night in a row of 4 to 5hrs sleep. woof#is it insomnia or am i on the bleeding edge of hyp0mania? idk its weird. i can feel the strain in my head#my thoughts dont connect as well. its like im being pulled in two directions. my brain becoming spaghettified. growing thin around the#middle. but im not as tired as one might expect. ive been pretty productive and optimistic but anxiety and internal restlessness are up#like im tired but also i need to get up and pace around. maybe jump up and down. maybe run in circles.#the energy comes in waves. sitting in lectures or sitting for the extended addition of l0tr has been somewhat unbearable#bc im so contained. i would not ever get up and walk around while those things were happening but i desperately wanted to#ugh. whats my problem? who's to say. could also b the medication. i see the psychiatrist next week and i think ill beg to b put back on#lam1ctal. just bc when i was taking it on a super low does i had a week or feeling the most normal i think i ever have in my life#anxiety and evil thoughts were so small and i felt happy in a way im not sure i ever have been#like i think under normal circumstances i just have a low capacity for joy. at most i feel neutral. like i was telling my friends how i#might do some field work in winter and they were enthusiastic abt it and i kno y bc it sounds cool but idk i just dont feel anything abt it#i cant see past the pain it will take to get there. and i mean mood wise i feel alright on 4bilify like in a nutral way but stable isnt#the same as feeling happy. but maybe its all just in my head. 25mg lam1ctal shouldnt b enough to b effective#but idk i think im just sensitive to the chemicals in my body. including hormone fluctuations. idk. i hope she lets me switch.#itll b a pain in the ass to readjust in terms of going off what im on now and it might not work#but theres literature on retrying lamicta1 and they say to avoid inflammatory reactions in the first 2 months. which i did not do. oops#not that i was trying. i didnt think abt it until id had a million holes poked in my skin and was experiencing a mild tatt00 allergy#ugh. anyway. tbh id prefer this being hyp0mania vs insomnia bc then at least i can continue to function a bit during the day#ive never done anything that wild while hyp0manic aside from injure myself from over exercising and make bad choices in how i spend time#ie become insane abt something and not b able to think abt anything else. ugh. and i guess at this point ive tentatively accepted the idea#of being bip0lar. so i swear to christ if i was misdiagnosed ill b so mad. its just that if i fill out an 4dhd and bip0lar checklist. i#get a way heavy positive with bip0lar and the 4dhd is meh. so i think i just have overlap in symptoms due to dyslex1a and 4utism#ugh. me and my collection of diagnoses. so it goes#unrelated
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:( someone hold me
#not doing too well 💔#brain's been pretty Off all day and seeing things that upset me certainly did not help 👍#also all the pain i somehow avoided when i woke up is coming and going in waves for hours now. also not helping#I'd love to talk to someone but idk what to talk about 💔 or. how#i should just go to sleeeeep
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finally watched red white & royal blue and it’s a prime (no pun) example of how something can be both gay and homophobic at the same time. made me wish u could rate sth zero stars on letterboxd.
#we need john waters to come back and remind us all what queer cinema looks like#i mean i hated the book so idk what i expected#also it looked so… cheap? so many amazon originals look cheap? what’s with that?#people saying that it’s just a silly rom com can fuck off too like if the author chooses to set their book in that political context then i#think it’s 100% fair game to point out the romanticisation of the british monarchy AND the completely deranged depiction of the democrats as#such a diverse flag-waving kumbaya-singing group#the way that all the female characters exist to ship the two gay men soooo hard is also. embarrassing.#it’s fanfiction! that’s literally what it is!#and that may be fine in an alternate universe where cinema as an art form wasn’t dying a slow painful death u know#i haven’t been this angry about a film since the whale and even the whale was better than this#;txt
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i don't have enough sick time to call out when i'm in a lot of pain, and i don't have any diagnosis or treatment for my pain yet... so while i wait for the dr's appt.... i guess i'll just.................... suck at my job?
#personal#i have to keep reminding myself it comes and goes in waves#and how just a couple of days ago i was reflecting on how long my period of not being in too much pain was!!#i'm also insanely productive hwne my pain's low bc im like.... excited. that the pain's low
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panicattackpnaicattackpanicattackpanicattack
idk why ive been like this for a week or so, but i even just thinking about popping my headphones in with an instrumental playlist almsot sent me off the rails
#it was bad#then that asshole who screenshotted my blog because they didnt like that i told their friend who was harassing me to die just set me off#even more and now im like....itchy being stuck inside#like i can sit outside for now causr the air isnt too warm but the fucking skunk has it out for my dumb dog???????? who will cry cause she#wants to be inside staring out the window instead of lounging in the grass??????#and i have so much to do and appointments to make#i still havent gone for bloodwork??????#and my tattoo artist still hasnt gotten back to me either#and thats a huge pain cause it was supposed to be started last month#i need to call the piercer to get this 10 year old jewelry that all of a sudden rejected last year out of my head#but if im goinf to the puercer i might as well get my nips done and a coward so im putting it off#i have to take care of my disability rejection too and thats on a time crunch but mostly i just want my teeth fixed#so my dentist needs to call me back even if i did just send the message two days ago ITS NOT FAST ENOUGH#and any time i think about doing literally anything im hit with waves of anxiety that make me want to rip someones face off#and also maybe my bowels out#i cant even think about listening to music without nearlibg having a breakdown#i really really really hate summer#this is when my seasonal depression hits#more so cause when fall comes im not going to be living out east yet and i like some of the farms here but#i have no one to just exist in the orange leaves with#fall has the best colours and drinks and snacks and i have no one to enjoy it with 😭
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so i didn't get a migraine at all today :D
My foot, on the other hand,
#ive had the toe clenching tic for 3 1/2 hours straight so far#currently the pain is coming in waves but the spikes feel like i'm gdtting stabbed#i've never wanted to cut my foot off more than i do now. it's ghat bad i swear to god#fucking hate this tic#division.txt#cw injuries#cw negative#also when i put it up it likes to start going numb. that's something
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Fucking you raw??!!!
Synopsis: It's his first time fucking and you are letting him go raw?????!!! Oh boy.
Warnings: Everything you might imagine.
Is he dreaming? This has got to be a dream.
He blinks. Hard. To his disbelief, the site below him remains unchanged.
He gazes, awestruck by the vulnerability and arousal mirrored in your eyes. The soft, ambient light above casts a gentle glow on your skin, accentuating its smoothness and the delicate curve of your shoulders and highlighting the gentle slope of your breasts. Your nipples glisten, probably from his spit when you practically had to coax him off them.
"Are you ok baby?" Your voice comes out almost as a whisper, sultry and smooth. He watches your lips form the words, how your mouth glistens from the spit of his messy kisses, and how your tongue darts out to wet it.
He thickly gulps and nods. No, he would not lose composure, not now when he has been fantasizing this moment for months. With unbreaking focus, he presses the tip of his dick against your tight hole.
Then, he sucks in a breath through his teeth and pushes in. Immediately his mind goes white, paper white. Fuck, he has to kneel over from how wet, warm and goddamn tight you feel. The sensation is electric, like tiny sparks dancing along his nerves, igniting every inch they touch. It's a delicious contrast of heat and moisture, sending waves of tingling delight that radiate from dick finger to the rest of his body. He can't believe this is happening, he can't believe he is fucking the girl of his dreams raw. Your a god damn angel for letting him do this he is sure of it.
He has to remain still inside your heat for a few seconds and thank god you let him, or else he is sure he wouldve cum ropes into you there and then.
"Im gonna move now baby," He throws his head back and groans "J-jesus you feel so good"
He's too immersed in his own pleasure to realize that you are also being thrown in the abyss of utter euphoria. Letting him go raw was the absolute best fucking decision you have ever made. His dick filled you to the brim, stretching you perfectly. His thrusts were slow at first, testing the waters to see how much you could take, how much he could take. It was dizzying, the grith of his dick digging itself against your g-spot, the euphoria of him fitting snuggly against walls with every thrust. The friction is incredible and it made pain quickly turn into pleasure.
"F-faster" You manage to croak out and he lets out a whine at your words. Jesus, you don't need to tell him twice.
He reels his hips back just enough so his fat tip barely leaves your warm cunny, the anticipation building as you brace yourself. In an instant, he slams them forward, hard and fast right into your cervix, driving into you with a force that leaves you gasping for air. The bed creaks beneath you both, each powerful thrust sending waves of pleasure coursing through your body. His movements are relentless, each one more intense than the last, the friction of his dick scraping against your walls making your toes curl.
"Love you, love you so much" he babbles. He's far too gone, a primal need for you has settled in him and his brain is on auto pilot. All he can think about is how good your pussy feels wrapped around him and how pretty you look right now. The sensation of your body moving in unison drives him wild, his grip on you tightening as he loses himself in the overwhelming ecstasy. His low groans and murmured praises only heighten the intensity, making each moment more electrifying than the last.
"So good s-so good" your words are strung out on your lips from how good he is fucking you. Every thrust ignites a fire within you, the sensations so intense you can hardly think. Your senses are overwhelmed by the feeling of him deep inside you, the rhythm of his movements perfectly attuned to your own mounting desire. You moan in ecstasy, the sound mingling with his groans, as each powerful thrust pushes you closer to the edge. The pleasure is all-consuming, making your body tremble with each delicious impact, every moment more euphoric than the last.
As he continues, you can sense his building intensity, his breaths turning into ragged gasps. His eyes flutter shut, and you feel the shudder of pleasure running through him with each thrust like electricity. His grip on you tightens, and his pace quickens, driven by a primal need. Every thrust brings him closer to the peak, his mind beginning to blur with overwhelming sensation. You can see the tension in his muscles, his abs tightening with the strain of holding back.
"Shit shit shit" he gasps, bending over so his lips are against your ear. "Im gonna cum baby, im gonna cum in you fuuuuuu-"
Then, with a final, powerful thrust, his mind goes blank, and a surge of pure ecstasy washes over him. His body tenses, abs hardening as he reaches the peak of his euphoria. He groans deeply, lost in the moment of ultimate pleasure, every muscle in his body taut with the intensity of his climax. The sensation is overwhelming, leaving him trembling as the waves of pleasure gradually subside.
You gasp at the feeling of hot ropes of cum filling you up. Theres so much of it it spills out of you and onto the bedsheets below. Your body trembles in response, your breaths coming in ragged gasps. Sensing your rising climax, he leans down, his lips brushing against your neck, leaving a trail of soft, peppered kisses.
His voice, husky with desire, whispers in your ear, "Let it go, baby. Let it go."
His words, combined with the gentle touch of his lips, send shivers down your spine. He slows his thrusts, his dick still painfully hard, moving with a deliberate, tantalizing rhythm that drives you wild. The pleasure builds to an unbearable peak, your entire body tensing as you approach the edge. His soothing words and tender kisses coax you further, until finally, you let go.
A wave of intense pleasure crashes over you, your body arching in response. The world blurs as you reach the peak of your euphoria, every nerve ending alive with sensation. His slow, deliberate thrusts and murmured encouragement keep you riding the wave of ecstasy, your mind lost in the overwhelming bliss. You cry out, the release so powerful it leaves you trembling, completely consumed by the moment.
Your left gasping for air and just when your about to roll over and take a breath, he grabs the underside of your legs and presses them against your chest.
"So sorry baby, I need more. Please let me have more."
GOJO, GETO, Toji, YUUJI, YUUTA, KENMA, OIKAWA, BOKUTO, EREN, SHIGARAKI, SANEMI
#jjk smut#gojo x reader#geto x reader#gojo smut#geto smut#yuji smut#yuuta smut#kenma x reader#kenma smut#toji smut#oikawa x reader#oikawa smut#eren x reader#eren smut#shigaraki smut#sanemi x reader#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu smut#mha x reader#mha smut#bokuto x reader
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i love the aishite live version mv HOWEVER its embarrassing to watch bc literally no one in the audience could wave the light sticks on time OR in synch it was awful to see it happen in person and its humiliating to see it happen on video
#wheres that post thats like#imagine not veing able to wave on beat at a miku concert#or something#i could NOT stop thinking about it the entire time at the concert#like come ON guys#and to have that immortalized on the internet forever#u watch other ado concert videos and the light sticks are relatively on time#bitch at the la concert i saw a whole section swinging their sticks to the left while literally everyone else did it to the right#it was painful to see happening and i was at the very back so i saw EVERYTHING#anyways#next time im going to an ado concert im snagging a seat closer to the front and also a light stick#i am parking myself at the merch line at midnight the day of the concert to get one#the only reason why i didnt get one for this one was cuz i went to get food beforehand AND the line was horrifically bloated#AND i was under the false impression they were selling or giving away those hitches inside#anyways. ms ado please go on tour again i know you JUST did it but i would like to see you in person once again#michi tag
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