#but only with pictures of waves
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me, trying to explain the plot for my next fic: vibes
#look it's a pinterest board#but only with pictures of waves#and also get this#it's those 3 songs that have nothing to do with each other#and that recording of church bells#and also 10 moments from the show#i swear it all comes together in the end#(it's doesn't)#in other news#i cannot write i cannot plot#writing#is a pain in the ass#the plot is vibes and aesthetic#it's two words that bounce around my brain until i get an idea#also i'm not saying the whole story is just based on one very specific picture of one of the characters#but also it is
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waves, well, waving
#ocean#waves#photography#the sun was in a horrible position for taking photos for the most part#turned to#art#oceancore#surf#but the way it shined through the waves was so good#my post#there was so many seals hunting in the surf#we watched them for like 2 hours#i did take some pics of them#but again the sun was in such a bad position#for pictures specifically#they only look like black blobs#photoshop
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i care him so much guys . guys. hes blorbo bingus
#someone on discord wanted him to be tarred and feathered#fop#just doodles#dale dimmadome#fop a new wish#thinks about his childhood and cries so hard i throw up. thinks about how he could've gotten help but none of the adults in his life cared#enough to get him what he needed#thinks about how he could've avoided continuing the cycle of dismissal and neglect#after he escaped the stupid ass evil dungeon he could only eat plain white bread for a month until his body adjusted to Actual Food#and he took 5 hour long showers every single day and would scrub until he drew blood#hes very deeply traumatised and having a real rough time adjusting to 'normal life' and doug just waves everything off#'chin up sport!' and buys him some random shit before going down a new rabbit hole business endeavour#imagine he finds out about the ransom. that doug knew and just didn't care enough to get him. oh mygod#HE HAS THE PICTURE. IN THE NEW SHOW. so he definitely finds out eventually#and doug wouldnt even try to hide it he literally just Did Not Care#i'm sick.
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Every time I hear the writing advice "Show, don't tell", my initial reaction is like... what do you mean? Writing is all words. I can only tell you a story. I can't show you shit because this isn't a movie. I'll tell you what happens in the story in great detail using ALL THE WORDS!
#I know what it means#but the four year old in my brain is like “this is not logical”#writing is all words stupid#writing#talking about writing#on writing#writing advice#the writing process#creative writing#show don't tell#I'm not the only one right?#literally every time I'm like the Jennifer Lawrence meme#what do you mean?#what do you meaaaaaan#I'm not even a bard who can wave my hands about for the audience to see while telling the story#I only have words#I can only tell you the story#picture books are the exception#pop-up books are an even bigger exception
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Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...
#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we#enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing#seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you#have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it#actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove#certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple#talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t#edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more#of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is#it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much#to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on#cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the#deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more#cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play#any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods#and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think#about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som#cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o#something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my#hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for#weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar#estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh#.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj
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um. tfw your life is about to change massively very very soon and it still doesn't even feel real yet and still feels like somethings gonna pop up and it won't actually happen and also you're scared as fuck that you're too stupid to actually do it and it'll all be for nothing
#like what do you mean full time salaried w benefits and paid vacation just to do. school.#what made you so enthusiastically think i was the perfect one to do this#when the last approx 20something other guys were like ummmm no you cannot do it#tbf like all that other shit up there aside#this did actually come at the perfect time#i look back on who i was during my masters and i legit do not recognize that person#i barely even remember it i have to look at pictures to think back on who i was#in a strange roundabout way being forced home to stay for a while#kind of re centered me and gave me time to come back to myself in a big way. i was really lost before#and chaining something like this directly after my masters would have been disasters#even like this time last year i did not have this level of mental clarity#and i think thats why i didn't get any of the other positions i was just in a fog and i think people could tell#so as much as like im super scared and nervous about this big change and big exit from my comfort zone#and a little sad and mournful that im leaving my family and wont hear my native language all day every day anymore#im the most ready ive ever been#2019 me was NOT ready im scared of her tbh!! idk what wave i was on but it was weirdo shit!#im also proud that i essentially rawdogged and brute forced a lot of introspection and improvement#entirely on my own#like i really can only just describe it as clarity i feel like i matured 10 years in 4 and cleared all the fog#i feel so good about the way i handle things and react to things now vs then#im like 500x more unbothered and actually know how to put myself first now#anyway uh this prob could have been its own post in and of itself#but woteva innit im proud of how much internal repairs i did on myself over the last few years#became a stable genius as it were#whos a lot more clearly defined and present#but fuck man! i am still scared of being 2stupid
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Megasound playlist
Expect not sweetness (save for a few exceptions), but rather the representation of a bizarre, deepest, Intrinsic nameless link.
Illustrations for each one of the songs in posts to come.
#They are not the kind of characters to be schmaltzy#They're compounded freaks plugged into a compounded bond#might be found some self indulgence in some song but overall it represents how I interpret their link according to their characters#No Spotify here#Because I do not support the exploiting of artists#YouTube is barely better#But there are no Playlist options at bandcamp sadly#Megasound#Megawave#Goth in ungothly Fandom#Gothic music#Dark wave#Gothic rock#Dark music#Love metal#Alternative music#Suits them though#That's why they'd be wearing boots and spikes and bizarrely in dark and you cannot convince me otherwise#and why I cannot picture them in a humanoid AU unless it's Cyberpunk or steampunk#Like the project I'm writing that hopefully will see the light one day#transformers#Transformers prime#Megatron/Soundwave#Megatron x Soundwave#Today in posts only I care about:#Megasound playlist#music playlist#character playlist#ship playlist#Absinthe things
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night out
#doodle#algas#anjo#i really gotta start tagging their full names#but then that would require me to tag ALL my ocs with their full names AUUGHHHH#also i didnt intend to only draw algas genuinely smiling when he's in dresses but umh it sure does paint a picture!!!!!!#tbf his gender has always been (non-committal hand wave) tawa mi
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i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be
#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him#it's getting so cold too#all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me#also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here#and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often#(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic#so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward#then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular#i've been so sad and moody and angry#i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel#can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate#i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad#nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared#i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead#...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy#it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive#the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it#he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house#and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too#i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious#i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house#i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me#but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something#maybe it is a bit of pms#📓
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in the most concrete way yet I feel like I’m getting a handle on what my flaws and weaknesses actually are lol.
#self-absorption poor impulse control an addictive personality#fiercely independent/sensitive/proud past the point of reason#anyway it feels like a real breakthrough honestly#because I’ve always known that there was stuff wrong but only in a dim sense#and this is a slow-gathering clearer picture#because the problem is that flaws don’t feel like flaws at first (so obvious I know)#my impulse can feel like inspiration! a wave of emotion always feels good! I have a rich internal life there’s a lot to think about#with regards to myself#but actually those all can be such negative and hurtful traits.#also it kills my pride to know that the people who love me already know these Lol#because they’re the ones who have to live with them!! And who are affected by them!#anyway the self-absorption one especially. I feel like there’s been so much to work through and figure out this past year#that made me turn inward more#and some of it was necessary#but I’m so aware of how much I want to get out of that space. and truly be open to other people and experiences and the world#in a way that is not just filtered through my internal journey#anyway anyway (a final thought) the pattern of my 20’s has been either self-absorption or complete absorption into the one or two things#that I/my anxiety allowed into the space of my heart and mind#as a kind of counter to the teenage state which was just information pouring in from all sides#but I would like to be able to reopen some of those informational floodgates so to speak. and let stuff in in a real and balanced way#because I don’t think I’m going to drown or be swept away in it (I am so scared of losing my identity in a sea of information)#one of my root fears! but it’s like. No. Bones not made of glass etc. etc. so you can start to think about yourself less#you SHOULD#anyway thank you for listening. there have been some very good (self) revelations lately <3#painful ones! but good
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if anyone wants to do the stupid thing i did and binge-read the entire Animorphs series, here’s the officially approved pdf link
(seriously though, if you haven’t read them, i 100% recommend. you can get through one in less than an hour. the companion books are longer but all the Chronicles are imo the best out of the entire series, period. they have some of the most creative alien worldbuilding i’ve ever seen)
#ten year old me would be so thrilled to have these all readily available#i think i only read maybe four of them as a kid#enough to rewrite my brain waves yes but never enough for the coherent picture
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unfortunately regular exercise and going outside has been very beneficial to my mental and physical health. horrid.
#pigeon talks#this is joke. its good. im just ughhhh#it made me realise that my 'issues' are only issues with other people???#which sounds weird but like. i have severe anxiety. and i have a dog now. hence the going outside more#and i've been so good. life has been good. (except for the heat wave but i only go outside early morning or late evening)#but then i go out and Talk topeople and its like fuck im . argh#anyway my dog is names indi and if anyone asks i will gladly post pictures shes so cute#i know all dog owners say that and thats because they're right. all dogs are cute#except my friend seth's dog. that thing is a creature. that thing is a 40 year old man in a dog's body and she pisses on my leg#its okay seth doesnt have tumblr 🙏#anyway !
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anyone got any good ideas for how a non-warden Mahariel could survive the Taint without joining the wardens?
#Dragon Age#Origins#I'm working on all my non-warden origins right now and Mahariel is the only one I ever find myself getting stumped on#everyone else I can picture surviving their situations in a number of ways but -waves hands in the air- taint usually means Die
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uuuu. on my way home i walked past a DOG BAKERY which had like special dog treats and grooming services and a bunch of stuff. i walked past and saw a girl playing with and feeding her dog and i looked through the window before i realized she was filming and i was standing in the background. we made eye contact and she gave me the most hateful look of “what the fuck do you think youre doing, ruining my tiktok. im going to make fun of you online” ive ever seen in my life :( now im terrified shes gonna post literally anything with my face in it. my mood went from super happy “YAY DOGS” to “im going to die. im going to be killed today” in less than a fucking second
#i just laughed sort of nervously and did some sort of apologetic half wave before speedwalking out of there#right before that i took a picture of the sign outside and the cashier saw me and laughed at me too#but it was like. a friendly good natured laugh so it was only a little embarrassing#rather than. fucking mortifying
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#grief comes in waves and baby we're in a fucking TSUNAMI THIS WEEK and it's only fucking monday#i don't even wanna open my photos app cause i have so many pictures of my grandma in them right now and just looking at them#is sending me into a downward spiral you know???#like there's one of me and her from like three years ago and just#remembering how she used to be before she got so sick#and even just standing there like. warming up dinner and being like 'oh. yeah. she's gone'#i have that realization at least ten times a day now and each time i feel emptier than before#i don't even know what to do man i don't even know who to talk to#cause everyone around me is also grieving#and it's like. well their grief is just as strong and just as tough and mine's no different#but mine DOES feel different mine IS different#i miss her so much guys it feels like a part of me died with her and it sounds so fucking dramatic but it's true like#how else do i explain this empty feeling i have
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i genuinely could not give less of a shit if people trace my art or whatever. obviously its kinda a given that its like "ohh dont claim it as your own" but that gives kind of the same vibes as a dni that everyone with bad intentions is gonna ignore. truthfully i dont have issues with people reposting my art with credit if its going up on a website i dont use
#except i hate edits where people just use other peoples art and act like that takes effort or time lol#if its for fun and only being posted on an account with like 30 followers that are all friends i dont care#but its a massive fuck you imo to insinuate waving around pictures on a screen is hard. i did that shit in the middle of highschool
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