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Lilian Koek

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no matter how employed i actually am, i will always be unemployed in my heart

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First Love: Hatsukoi 初恋 (2022) dir. Kanchiku Yuri

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that toxic intense homoerotic female friendship you had from ages 13-16 is like. you were my best friend, you’re the reason I have trust issues, being with you was the worst years of my life, I had the best years of my life with you, I hate you, I can never let you go, every second song makes me think of you, I miss being able to make you laugh, I am jealous of your boyfriend, you are not a girl anymore, neither am I, our paths keep running parallel while we try to prise ourselves apart, I still turn around when someone calls your name. i wish i hated you. i hope you never touch me again, i want to hug you forever, i want to cradle you on the bathroom floor like the day before the world locked down when you sobbed for me to take you back. we shaped each other’s adolescence like clay in our hands. i know your deepest fears. I don’t know what you thought of that exam. I moved classes to get away from your presence in the second row - i shared my last ever school lesson with you by my side. we have inside jokes but never dare say them. we both loved each other more than we loved ourselves. sometimes i want to make a joke and then remember with a jolt that only you and i would find it funny. whenever i see a bird crash into a window I remember you cradling that magpie in your jacket. they’ll never understand you like i do. I want you to tell me what you really think. I want you to never say a word to me. you never understood me like I needed you to. every night I wear the pajama pants you got me as a birthday present. if i had never met you i would be a different person (!) … if I had never met you, I would be a different person. you taught me a secret language I cant speak with anyone else. 

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The ends are always made by hand.

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Nights of writing are nights of pretending to be a poet

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Jiří Trnka

“Špalíček(The Czech Year)”

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Suffering may be redeemable, but it is not intrinsically redemptive.

Catherine Keller, “Scoop Up the Water and the Moon Is in Your Hands: On Feminist Theology and Dynamic Self-Emptying” in The Emptying God: A Buddhist-Jewish-Christian Conversation, ed. John B. Cobb Jr. and Christopher Ives

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walk in the park

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the bros and i were playing our favorite game “say something beautiful” and it was going great until chadney accidentally described the face of god in perfect glorious detail and all of us were killed by exposure to holy radiance in our brains as we imagined it

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Garth Greenwell, “The Frog King” [ID in alt text]

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Fyodor Dostoyevsky, from Notes from the House of the Dead

Text ID: Here is the world to which I am condemned, in which, despite myself, I must somehow live.

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If we don’t microdose delusion we won’t make it through this reality babe….

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anyways