#is this a vent? i think this can be categorized as a vent

[st-highwind]

chat is it too ambitious to want to create a whole non-canon (or, you know, call a spade a spade, an au) storyline for ffiv?

life has been hectic and stressful and hormones have not kicked but rather curb stomped my ass these past few weeks and the mere idea of creating an au (for an audience of exactly what, 2? 3 people?) seems both incredibly fulfilling and also...blasphemous, for lack of better words.

**ffiv is a 33 year old rpg with very little canon information and arguably shoddy writing. while i yearn to expand on it with the little energy and momentum i have, i find myself wondering if it would just be better to simply rename characters & locations and allow them to evolve into their own story instead of blabbering on tumblr about an oc and trying to connect dots that might not even be there. it's a ship of theseus sort of situation-- if i continue changing more and more of the story and adding characters, is it even ffiv anymore? or is it some other creature wearing the faces and echoing the names of the original game?**

idk. i'm morose, burnt out, and desperately seeking some sort of satisfaction in daydreaming up a new world for a story i've loved for years. the world would not stop spinning if i did and i doubt the creators of the game are going to send me angry emails for writing glorified, hypothetical fanfiction. i doubt much of anything will come of this brick of text except perhaps a new word document that i'll get all of ten words on before hitting a wall, and i'm sure i'll disappear back into the void for another few weeks after this. summer slump, or whatever. spiritually i am howl pendragon slumped over the fireplace turning into slime.

[spitblaze]

What happens when you win the debate on who's the most oppressed group in the transgender community. What happens then. What could be accomplished by finding the one group that is the single most downtrodden demographic that suffers at the hands of every other community and putting them up on the 'most oppressed' throne with a 'most oppressed' trophy that could not be accomplished if we listened and paid attention to individual and group needs and worked to address them without the need to determine 'who has it worst', or worse, 'who actually belongs to the most oppressed group'.

[ghost-recs]

can we get some bakugou recs 😊😊 (written and smaus pleaseee)

hello hellooo! oh man do i ever have some! you have no idea the can of worms you are opening my friend.

but first i am so sorry for how late this rec is! i wanted to get this done days ago, but the semester has been crazy packed. i'm going to get through all my asks one by one. thank you for your patience! anyways let's get into this !!

Bakugou Recs

Garden of Lungs (Hanahaki) by oweCrew [ao3]

synopsis: you have your whole life ahead of you, a promising future and jobs lined up after UA...but these stupid flowers are going to be the death of you, literally.

i flew through this fic so fast. it was the first time i had every heard of hanahaki disease and oof to my heart. i loved it!

Late Night Calls by fictionpls [ao3]

synopsis: much to bakugou's disdain, you skipped your meals again. tch, he's basically taking care of you at this point.

cute lil fluff oneshot with bakugou as your best friend...maybe more.

Nothing More, Nothing Less by @dekustowel

synopsis: bakugou made a big whoopsies. the only way to get out of it? fake date you, the internet's sweatheart, duh!

this smau idea has a hold on me. i'm a sucker for the fake dating trope. and i mean seriously, it's bakugou! [ongoing...]

Nerd (Affectionately) by @oniku-niku

synopsis: you're in love with bakugou, have been since you were kids. there was no use in hiding the truth. but did he have to be so rude about it??

most of this smau is a big ouch to the heart. but the drama gets heavier as the story goes on and i'm here for it! happy soft ending! :)

Speak by Kikyo851 [ao3]

synopsis: you could not believe that your soulmate was such a crude and violent person...just to spite the universe and him you decide not to say a word to your "soulmate."

soulmate au in which the first words that your soulmate says to you is written on your wrist. this fulfilled my needs of a bakugou soulmate au! so cute and it is complete!

Of Snowscapes & Explosions by sugarbun [ao3]

synopsis: you've been categorized as second to shoto todoroki ever since grade school. after a frustrated vent to bakugou and a few of his cracks revealing some of his own frustrations you realize that maybe you and him aren't so different after all.

guys....when i tell you this fic is the slowest slow burn. i feel like it's so accurate to how bakugou would actually fall for someone. sadly, this fic is unfished tho and hasn't been updated in a couple years😭 but you should read it anyways.

cover shot (through the heart) by @andypantsx3

cross posted on ao3 here! cover shot (through the heart) by andypantsx3

synopsis: you're the only one who can deal with bakugou's attitude in the industry. he hasn't found something that bothers you...until he starts flirting with you, hello??

model/celebrity au. super cute fic. i'm warning you this is much spicier than some of my other recs. mdni. (also check out this author's other works. they have a lot of top tier content!!)

Motherly Love by @kweenkatsuki-fics

synopsis: bakugou gives his mom a late night call to thank her. the reason why softens her heart greatly.

super soft lil drabble that just about brings me to tears everytime i read it. in love with bakugou fr.

déjà vu by @cashmoneyyysstuff

synopsis: bakugou thinks back to some oddly familiar memories with you. and one thing always stays the same, you both are together.

oneshot the made my jaw drop. hit me hard in the feels.

untitled oneshot by @honeypirate

synopsis: being paired with your number 1 enemy for a group project proved that the universe hated you. well might as well have some fun with this and make bakugou's life just as miserable.

college au oneshot. i am always down for a good enemies to lovers trope!

risky by @kusaka6e

synopsis: moving from another country to work as a pro hero in japan was not the easiest. and a certain hot headed hero only adds to your frustrations.

oneshot about the obvious grown tension between you and pro hero dynamite.

i hope you find something you like! sorry for the late rec, have a lovely day/night!

[an-ruraiocht]

something about having a viral post about not every space being centred around the horrors causing a huge uptick in the number of donation request messages I've been getting that's. idk. proving the point. i donate as much as i can, when i can, to organisations and individuals that i trust that i learn about from reliable sources. i do not do any of that via tumblr

tumblr is not a space through which i discover donation channels or make decisions about them. this is a choice i have made for various reasons, not least because if i tried to do it here i would be constantly having to decide *which* messages to ignore and which to act upon, and i do not have the spoons or the mental stability to be making that call multiple times per day. it is more manageable and more sustainable to periodically look at my bank account, gauge what I can spare, and *then* go and make a lump sum donation, often to a campaign or charity i have been supporting for a while

as such i have a blanket policy to delete all such messages. not because i don't care, and not because i have a no-donation policy in general. i absolutely don't. i have given hundreds of pounds over the last few months. but i categorically do not do this via tumblr posts and sources. that is the boundary i have set in search of a balance between helping and avoiding complete emotional burnout (and, you know, bankruptcy)

i am not making this post because i think it will make any difference to how many of these messages i receive. i know that the askers (legit and otherwise) just go to the OP of popular posts or anyone they can find and message without reading the blog, because of course they do, who has time for that. i just find sometimes it is helpful to reassert what my boundary actually is, possibly for the benefit of others struggling to know where to draw theirs

you do not have to do everything on every platform. tumblr does not have to be your One Stop Shop for every aspect of your life – activism, charity, fandom posts, venting, cute animals, whatever. you can do some things here and not do others

i am not sure if there is a sustainable way to engage with tumblr donation posts due to the sheer speed and quantity of them that makes meaningful decision-making impossible (even if you take them all on trust and don't do any further vetting, which obviously would take extra time and mental energy). maybe if you were rich and didn't have to choose between them, which i am emphatically not. but there are sustainable ways to donate and support people – they just might not be found here. they aren't for me.

[subsystems]

hope sending ask is ok rn, i have hard time looking resource. looking for book how to co-exist with independent dissociative parts (have system but not feel safe in saying DID yet). cannot do therapist addressing parts yet but want to cope in daily life. hope can help. or others comment/reblog and give. thank you 🍀

This ask was sent a while ago, I hope you're doing okay now anon. You say you can't talk to a therapist yet but I hope you have someone else in your life who is supportive and you can talk to about these things! You shouldn't have to face this alone.

Even though you don't have therapeutic support, it's still possible to build up communication and cooperation with your parts. I reblog a lot of tips and resources to my coping tag if you want to check that out. Here are some other resources that you might find helpful:

DID/OSDD Self-help Masterlist There are so many resources here, categorized by different topics. You'll find stuff here for both survivors and loved ones, and you don't need to have DID/OSDD to use them!

Beauty After Bruises Blog You'll find so many articles here on coping with daily life as a dissociative survivor. I love how they're written, they feel very approachable and almost calming to read.

Dissociative Living Admittedly, I haven't read many of these articles but the few I've seen have been good. I think their writing is very approachable for people who are new to all of this.

DIS-SOS Lots of advice and informative articles on living with DID here -- in both English and German! I've found some really interesting and unique coping tips here, I definitely recommend it. It's actually because of this blog that I discovered one of my favorite methods of system communication.

CTAD Clinic Youtube Channel A channel run by the director of this clinic which specializes in dissociation and trauma. I've watched probably all of his videos -- they're very good! Lots of the videos provide tools and self-help tips on coping with dissociation & dissociative parts!

Carolyn Spring's Blog You'll find amazing articles here about trauma and dissociation, but do be aware that the author is both a professional and a survivor with DID herself. She isn't afraid to talk about her lived experience, shining a light on the reality of trauma and dissociation which can be confronting but oh-so empowering to read.

System Speak Podcast A podcast run by a DID system. She talks about her own healing journey as well as interviews professionals and dives into the psychology behind trauma and dissociation. Personally, I think the website is a bit hard to navigate but every podcast I've listened to has been extremely informative and relatable!

Self-help books can also be extremely useful if you don't have access to a therapist. You can find a bunch of free downloads here! I would recommend starting with "Got Parts? An Insider's Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder" by ATW. Personally, I think this is the best book to start with. It's a bit old and there are some outdated ideas in it, but I think it's a very gentle entry into learning system communication and coping with DID if you have never worked with a therapist.

Some other resources that might be useful:

Strategies for coping with distressing voices

FREE 100 page e-book for trauma survivors

Talk/vent to listeners on this non-crisis support chat line

Apply for a grant to receive financial help or a therapy box -> (Also learn about the Therapy Box Project! If anyone is able to donate, please do!)

- Sunflower

[redo-of-chii]

ʚ♡ɞ 𝕯𝖎𝖌𝖎𝖙𝖆𝖑 𝕰𝖝𝖔𝖗𝖈𝖎𝖘𝖒 𝖙𝖔 𝕰𝖒𝖇𝖔𝖉𝖞 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝕭𝖊𝖘𝖙 𝕾𝖊𝖑𝖋 ʚ♡ɞ

I decided to make a series of posts dedicated to mental dieting, even if you're not really into manifestation/law of assumption and you're just into your journey to become your best self.

We spend so much of our time on our phones, tablets or computers that it has become our way of life. Most of the daily content we consume and most of the people we interact with every day come from the internet. We basically consume content like we consume food every day.

We talk about digital detoxing and digital decluttering constantly, but sometimes we have to become extreme to live our best life. We have to be mindful about the content we consume since like I mentioned earlier, we consume it like food and if we can be mindful about the food we consume to nourish our body then we can do the same to nourish our minds and hearts. So basically a digital exorcism is what we need to hold ourselves accountable, including myself.

In fact, I am guilty of this and as soon as I'm done with my own post I'll start doing my own digital exorcism as well to be mindful of my own mental diet since I've been neglecting it for the longest time.

∘•···············•∘ʚ ♡ ɞ∘•················•∘

Here is a list of things to do to start your own digital exorcism with things I've come up with and some ideas I've compiled over the months from reading around:

୨୧ Curate your social media experience.

I know that many people cannot quit social media entirely because nowadays some jobs depend on social media presence, plus social media can be a very nice and positive experience!

The internet should be a safespace for you so curating and being mindful of your content should be a high priority.

Delete people/users and social media that either you don't talk anymore or don't bring positive things into your feed or life.

Engage in content that makes you happy or brings positivity into your life, especially topics that you want to learn or improve so your feed gets filled with those things.

Delete any accounts you have that you don't use or represent a part of your life that reminds you of pain (we all had an emo private account to vent somewhere that either needs to be wiped for a new era or just deleted).

Scroll past things that trigger you without guilt since your mental health has to be the most important thing.

Just put your phone down, think about what you need in your life right now to become your best self or make things better for you mentally and practice mindfulness by curating your experience.

∘•···············•∘ʚ ♡ ɞ∘•················•∘

୨୧ Declutter & Simplify

This sounds very easy but it also can be very exhausting so I advise you to do it on a day off but include some things like skincare or a nice podcast to do it. You have to prepare yourself for this mentally since going down memory lane while doing this can be emotionally draining.

We already mentioned deleting accounts but deleting phone numbers that we no longer engage with is a form of self care, same goes for deleting messages or chat logs.

Leaving Discord servers that are inactive or you no longer engage with. Why keep something like that if you're no longer using them? Out of nostalgia? Honey, don't do this to yourself.

Delete apps or music (especially sad and depressing music!) that no longer serve you. They are taking up a lot of useful space after all.

And in relation to making space, declutter your photo gallery. This can be a rough one since we tend to hoard pictures and hoarding comes from a place of fear. Sit down, be ready to confront yourself, think carefully about how you want to categorize your photos and Konmari everything. Focus mostly on screenshots, pictures that you feel you don't look good in, repeat pictures and pictures that bring you bad memories.

Clean your emails to make space. Unsubscribe to newsletters that you don't need and remove any alerts. Just clean it.

From there, things should look cleaner and simple. I know that some of us are addicted to the chaos but trust me that even if you may feel some regret at first, you'll thank yourself later. Sometimes, your phone is a reflection of the state of your mind after all.

∘•···············•∘ʚ ♡ ɞ∘•················•∘

୨୧ Romanticize your Life!

This is the fun part of the digital exorcism, which is making things easier and prettier!

Redecorate your home page. Put everything in folders and from there you can go crazy! Pretty wallpapers, themes, colors... Anything that your heart desires. You can also apply this to other things, revamp your social media and Pinterest boards for a cleaner and better look.

Go on an account scout mission and follow accounts that align with your thoughts and values of your best self.

Install new apps that bring you joy but also feel purposeful to you. And don't feel guilty about installing things like cute games that can make you pause and relax, just don't abuse screen use!

∘•···············•∘ʚ ♡ ɞ∘•················•∘

୨୧ Other Important Things

Don't forget to update apps and back up what's important. I know that cloud backups are important but don't forget to backup things that may be important in an external hard drive.

Set up a ¨Sleep Mode¨ for your phone so you don't feel tempted by notifications at night and have proper sleep. You can also turn off notifications on some platforms to minimize your anxiety.

Set up ¨Digital Detox Hours¨ every day for you. Reconnect with your hobbies, play with your pet, take a nap, journal, do some prep... Just stay away from your phone. And if you don't have any privacy, it's okay. You can take notes and journal in your phone as well, just stay away from social media. Put on music and relax. This should be time for yourself and your feelings after all.

Don't feel bad about doing regular digital decluttering once you're done with the digital exorcism. This is mostly to start again in a clean slate, if the apps you installed for your clean slate are not to your liking, then you can make a small digital declutter and get rid of them later. It's not a bad thing to try new things because it's part of your self-discovery journey.

∘•···············•∘ʚ ♡ ɞ∘•················•∘

I hope this post was useful and don’t hesitate if you want to share any other advice you may have to improve your digital exorcism!

I might make another post recommending apps I use for manifestation soon in another post.

꒰ Always & Forever — Chii ꒱

[krisalyce]

OK !! thanks @sunflowers-and-scales for this cutesy chart that i’m abusing

really tried my best here to stick with the key but in my head it’s just a mess

anyways yapping under the cut but honestly if you want any of my thoughts a lot of them are in the tags of my kotlc art

categorized by key terms

DATING

Keefe and Fitz

-keefe realized oops he was looking at the wrong vacker which wasn’t even a gay awakening because he still likes sophie?????? but maybe it was a bi one because at some point their best friendship ended up romantic and it was something actually REAL and good for fitz because their dynamic was already comfortable and established for him

-so now there are also fitz drawings in keefe’s notebook and fitz plays with keefe’s hair while they both wind down from their therapy sessions

-keefe teaches fitz how to paint as something therapeutic and relaxing and he ends up really enjoying it and fitz is also comforted by keefe because they can both relate to familial pressures. keefe also helps him with his emotions because fitz has been under pressure for so long and bottled everything up and while therapy helps so does his empath boyfriend who sort of understands his mental state sorry i can’t explain all that but here

-they’re just two guys helping each other heal in addition to rekindling their best friendship and sophie is all for it

Sophie and Keefe

-lowkey their canon dynamic i think they’re good for each other and once they settle a little bit they’re each other’s support

-they both have other lives and relationships and sophie has no problem sharing with fitz because she understands and she’s happy that fitz has gotten into a healthy relationship but has no interest in dating fitz as well

-they go on dates and generally just like spending time together but honestly i have nothing else to say for them because canon has already said most of it for me so the real ones will get it

Tam and Dex

-they’re so domestic to me like they just play minecraft until 6 in the morning

-i have a whole thing for tam i’m gonna need you to trust me on this it is all going here because this is relevant

-and this is all perfect for dex because he is not ready for all this relationship stuff and tam is putting no pressure on him whatsoever because he is perfectly content with sleepovers and laying on each other all the time that they don’t even realize they haven’t kissed yet for a LONG time until dex accidentally kisses him for the first time on his way out of tam’s house like some kind of doting husband

-to be clear dex is still mischievous and hella smart and he will do whatever needs to be done to beat tam at 4 am fortnite but they’re literally just some married couple

-also transmasc tam… dex gives him testosterone potions and also gives him estrogen potions for linh

Marella and Linh

-marella lets linh let her rage out !!! usually linh is the mellow one compared to who she’s hanging out with but marella would 100% take her to one of those rage rooms and let her lay on her floor and vent and everything

-they fought like once when linh got really mad (with abilities) and marella was surprisingly ok with everything and went along with it and now linh texts marella 2 am “fight me” and they just go do it and it’s just stress relief play-fighting/training like going to the gym together

-also linh just generally texts marella to do anything at any time and they just kind of. go do it (linh texts marella at literally any hour and says let’s go jump into a pool fully clothed and they just do it) because marella is supportive and chill like she’s gossipy and flaky but she’s LOYAL and this goes well with linh

-linh calls and asks if they can go on a road trip for the weekend and marella just goes sure let me call sophie

-or marella comes over for 5 am binge night because she can’t sleep and this is also with sophie btw bc her and linh have the same taste in shows and sophie would probably be awake bc insomnia

CUDDLE BUDDIES/BFFS (my fav)

Sophie and Tam

-2 cats attached at the hip they sleep everywhere

-they ride the same bus home/walk home and they’ve just developed some kind of unspoken agreement that they get to be each other’s pillow at any time

-they’re always each other’s backup and tam is the first person called for accompanying sophie anywhere she has to go, she says she’s going grocery shopping and he responds with pick me up in 5 because OBVIOUSLY he’s coming with

-they have study sessions together a lot because they like to study to the same music/vaguely have the same music taste and can tolerate each other’s presence while working because it’s just like hanging out with a pet that u can take snack/nap breaks with

-tam is sophie’s #1 passenger princess i still think he managed to get his license revoked purely because of some kind of bad timing where he didn’t have his license on his person or something stupid like that

-however he isn’t a bad driver and can be trusted to take the wheel if he’s needed to

-he also helps sophie park and gives her directions because lord save her with that

Sophie and Marella

-they share clothes and while marella is an open gossiper and sophie doesn’t really gossip at school, she likes hearing about all of it through marella so they can laugh about it because she does like knowing what’s going on

-marella is kind of her tie into the social world of the school because honestly sophie can’t be bothered she’s just tired and wants to go home a lot

-they bike/walk/skateboard together and generally just wander around especially on nature trails and the like. tam joins for field trips occasionally and linh comes sometimes too when she feels like it but mostly it’s just sophella wandering around looking for a nice spot to watch the sunset with some stupid food like the crumbl cookie of the week or wingstop

-they have matching streaks in their hair because sophie mentioned wanting to dye hers and marella came over within the next week with red for sophie and pink for her and a grocery bag of jalapeño chips and sour patch

Tam and Marella

-alt friends who nap together and attend concerts together and hang out at ungodly hours

-smoke together maybe like marella was a vaper and tam smoked (and marella is his human lighter) but now they both do both because they just share everything

-like he has a drawer in her room and she has one in his

-tam is a pet cat to me he’s always the small spoon being cuddled and held and sleeping on people’s laps and marella is his designated big spoon

-a solid 60% of the time they are with each other and/or sophie (the other 40 are with their partners)

-had this telepathic/nonverbal agreement when they met like yeah ur coming over later and we are going to lay there because they sensed the smoker and mlm wlw on each other and bonded

-would get back tattoos together that’s just what i’m sensing

RELATED

Biana and Fitz

-LMFAOOAAOA biana is constantly posting the stupidest shit about him there are fitz 0.5s in every single one of their group’s photo libraries because of her

-their texts are literally just “get out of the bathroom” “can u pick me up” “where are you” “can you tell mom i want a slice of pizza from the store”

-they hate each other (they don’t) and definitely have more of a rivalry than tam and linh do

-they bake TOGETHER and biana makes him do face masks but honestly he doesn’t actually mind it and he actually paints her stuff for her room sometimes because he’s getting pretty good at it and she likes the decor in her room

-sit in silence in the kitchen or on the couch while they do shit on their phones and have too many inside jokes that just spawned out of nowhere while brainrotting together as siblings do

-DID YOU EAT THE REST OF MY HUMMUS YOU BITCH

-they’re literally just textbook siblings nothing awkward at all they just find each other vaguely annoying/irritating but still do things for each other and passively hang out and do things when they don’t want to bother anybody else

Linh and Tam

-linh does not smoke/vape but she’s chill with it because her brother and girlfriend do it and she loves them both

-“yeah that’s my brother i love him even tho hes stupid”

-she shows up in the kitchen tam is baked and baking and she’s like “i’m going shopping do u need anything also save me some”

-linh goes with tam anytime she wants to get a piercing or anything and they got their belly buttons pierced together

Dex and Sophie

-not much to say here honestly he’s her tech guy and her cool cousin and if they had family gatherings they would definitely use each other to hang out and avoid the rest of the relatives in some kind of mutual introvert contract

-they probably have those gamepigeon matches running on their phones at any given time even if a single pool match takes them a month

EXES

Biana and Keefe

-kissed and middle school dated (held hands and went on like 2 dates)

-and now biana is like awkward sister in law so now she just passes along stuff from keefe to sophie and fitz or vice versa and sometimes texts him stuff like “can u buy chips for me”

-they still vaguely get along like occasionally keefe comes over maybe and fitz isnt home and they listen to chase atlantic together while she does her makeup and chooses outfits and he draws on her bed/floor like a schoolgirl she probably changes and everything in front of him and doesn’t gaf too and he doesn’t even notice

-it’s the vibe where hes just there in the house and she walks around t shirt and short shorts in front of him and asks him if he wants leftovers and hes like yeah and then they eat together in silence and its just generally chill

CASUAL FRIENDS (i didn’t write for every single string in this category, just the ones i was actively thinking about)

Keefe and Tam

-keefe tried smoking once he did not like it

-but he does like tam’s vibes and so he hangs around and ipad kids around with his sketchbook while tam smokes/naps/listens to music and does his own thing

-keefe is like the third wheel of tam and dex except hes literally just their daughter

Sophie and Linh

-they’re like roommates who actually get along with each other and have similar interests

-sophie comes over to binge shows with her and marella and tam would go fall asleep in the background somewhere eventually all tangled up and leave sophie and linh on the couch to do their thing and they make tea and end up finishing the entire series in a night

-most of their interactions stem from sotam being inseparable for a good amount of time but they also hang out without him occasionally (especially for movies and nice brunch places/sweet treats

-they might have kissed at one point i feel like linh would be comfortable enough with sophie around to ask to experiment a small bit when she gets curious from some stupid lesbian movie and sophie would be ok with it

-end up with each other’s clothes a lot through tam and each other

Biana and Marella

-they started getting along at one point because of cool girl magnetism and biana getting inspired by marella’s cookie monster pj girl attitude

-marella’s fat lesbian crush on biana since they were little preteens develops and probably asks her out but biana is a working woman and marella respects the hell out of that so they agree to stay friends

-they send each other hw answers and go shopping together and make target runs and get to converse about superficial stuff like hair and makeup that nobody else really gives a shit about (linh and tam only wear eyeliner and basics)

-i’m thinking biana has a cute cafe/ice cream place part time and marella brings her food (so she doesn’t have to pay the doordash fee) and in return gets free coffees/pastries/ice cream and etc

[prismdrive]

Ignore all the angst, aughgghh. Just have had a lot of thoughts lately that i needed to get out, maybe being confiscated to my house for over two months is already getting to my head

[TW: vent, suicide, SH and trauma mentioned]

I usually don't think a lot about my trauma; As a kid i was taught trauma was a bad word, that to have it you'd have to go through something absolutely terrible and it'd categorize you as "crazy"

But what is terrible enough to cause trauma? Isn't living in a household where yelling was the norm enough? Getting beat to the point of bruising at least twice? Hiding from a shooting? Leaving my whole life behind to never return? Going through a pandemy? Getting told by my mom no man with good values would ever love me? Having to hide constantly? Fearing my life will be ruined if the person supposed to protect me found out? Feeling like i can never form true connections?

Sometimes i wonder how i can function the way i do. I can't say i function "normally" - Bottling up emotions, the panic from loud sounds, the fact that i don't trust myself around pills, the scars, the lack of connection - But it's enough for most not to worry, enough for most to barely notice. Maybe no one is close enough to notice anyways.

Isn't the fact i've considered suicide very seriously at least twice in my life enough proof? Maybe not, i wouldn't be able to get out of bed to actually do it anyways, so why worry.

I started thinking more about this after i was bought some vitamin pills. They sat on the nightstand beside my bed, to the left of my water bottle. For some reason i couldn't stop imagining it. What if i swallowed all the pills inside in one sitting? How would it feel as they ran down my throat? Would i take them with water? How long would it take until i pass out?

It was gnawing at me to the point where i had to get out and take them out of my room to get some sleep. If i had had pills sitting that close to me at my lowest point where i couldn't even stand up, would i actually have done it?

I'd say i've gotten better, i don't cry every other night anymore, i can manage to draw and shower everyday, i joke and i laugh and try to ignore the feeling of everyone hating me, but sometimes, on my worst days, my arm tingles, as if in anticipation of a new scar.

Is that enough to be considered trauma? Am i crazy enough yet?

[raayllum]

25. a piece of advice for taking care of yourself in fandom spaces

I have two pieces of advice basically that loop back into each other honestly.

Don't ultimately care about what anyone else says or thinks

Not caring about or trying to manage what other people think of you or your thoughts ≠ being rude or disrespectful, that doesn't mean it never happen - tone and frustration are absolutely real and I express the latter occasionally,

Other people are gonna ship things you don't or ship the same thing but in a way you don't like or just have opinions that are coming from a fundamentally different perspective or reading of the text and... none of it really matters. You don't have to conform to popular fandom if it doesn't fit what you think (that's basically been me in every fandom But TDP, so it's quite refreshing, and even then I very much felt like a lil island in the immediate s4 aftermath), you can ship whatever you want and so can anyone else. I think the most important thing with this is being self aware, though... like yeah I could hypothetically get annoyed over characters in TDP being childish, but coming-of-age stories are about kids and maturation, so like. I can vent in the proper tags but it may just mean the show isn't ultimately for me, y'know? Or at least that it's something I gotta learn to live with if I wanna engage with the show in a way that balances the salt and the sweetness

Additionally, one of the side effects I've found of being '''popular''' within TDP fandom is that my opinion will be taken as gospel or made out to be more than what it is, which is just my subjective opinion / interpretations, the same as anyone else's. Obviously I think my opinions are Right / grounded in the text (as do many people about their own opinions, whether they align with mine or not), but that doesn't mean everyone else is wrong, like... it's a children's cartoon show, if you're getting regularly butt hurt about what other people think or if they do or don't agree with you or whether ur ideas are popular or not you're not gonna have a good time, and fandom is a hobby. It's supposed to be a good time

Avoid taking things personally at all costs

In a similar vein to "don't care what anyone else thinks/says" that goes double for what they think or say about you / what you think. For me this means that unless I get 1) name dropped or 2) something that is so specific me it couldn't apply to someone else, I assume it's not about me. "Rayllum shippers / stans are so annoying"? Not about me and even if I am annoying - isn't everyone sometimes? Being annoying isn't a death sentence lol. "I hope the fandom takes this well"? Not about me. "People who defend S4 just can't admit TDP has flaws"? Not about me. "Snake boi Callum content is so dumb" is about a tag categorization I started for Callum's characterization, but has since more than taken on a life on its own... and isn't about me.

And even when it is personal, it says a lot more about what frustrates the OP or what they're trying to potentially wrangle than it does about me. Like someone disagrees with me or thinks I'm dumb, specifically? Okay, I know I've thought that about people on occasion, I try not to post it or make it obvious, but I can't control what you do. There were a couple of ZK bnf I thought were horrendously bad at meta that I knew by name bc they were everywhere, and it just meant forming my own atla communities/tags and/or stepping away from the fandom.

On a similar note, I'm still gonna keep doing my thing and I encourage people to block me and/or blacklist tags I use if they don't wanna see my stuff. I know how annoying it can be in fandom to feel like you still see stuff you don't want to if it's everywhere, which is also why I don't put all my stuff in the main tags either, but I'm not going to Stop Posting unless I... want to, which won't be happening.

I guess this all basically amounts to:

Focus on finding your people in fandom, cause they are out there

If you find yourself being annoyed by the fandom every day, or find yourself feeling like you have to rebut every little thing that annoys you (for ex, people saying they don't like Rayllum doesn't bother me, that's a neutral opinion. Ppl saying they shouldn't be in the show feels like more of a theme misread, however) work on stepping away and letting things go

Cultivate being fucking weird and unabashedly enthusiastic with self awareness. If you love a ship or headcanon or plot point that's fucking out there or clearly not happening, fucking go for it! Make or enjoy all the stuff for it you want. That said, maintaining awareness that the story doesn't need to go there in order to be good, or that there's not a lot of plausible grounding in canon, can be important especially if you want to connect with other fans.

Like CHET is my pet theory that has also been wildly fortunate enough to get a life of its own in the TDP / Rayllum fandom(s). I've been prepared to drop it three times. I think more than ever that's where the story is going in S7, and that there's a lot of continued setup for it / Something Like It, but I could be dead wrong, and I'm sure I will love if not prefer whatever route S7 would take instead. I love it, and I have a certain amount of attachment, but the story doesn't owe it to me, similarly to how I'm not owed in fandom to have people Like what I make or make what I like

Like respect should be given for sure unless I make a routine ass of myself, but again, I've been very fortunate that some stuff has caught on as much as it has because it clicked with other people who were already thinking the same thing, or found xyz idea made a lot of sense. And that's really nice! I think it's those things that help build a community. But in fandom you kind of have to be willing to be an Island first, and then if you get stuck being an island permanently, it may be worth reflecting on why sometimes — whether it's because of aggression, shyness, preference, or no real reason except your people haven't shown up yet

[aguineapigcouldntdothis]

vent post, just putting thoughts into the void.

super glad the high holy days are in October because this is my least favorite month due to a ton of personal trauma that happened then, and now more jewish-related trauma because of October 7th. it's like a flip switches in my mind and my brain just automatically goes into PTSD mode the second signs of early fall start showing.

im lowkey debating whether or not i should open up about what happened in my personal life to trusted people (if I choose to i have a space where I can safely do so). so, so few people have any idea what happened and even fewer have been told so verbally. mostly because the times I described the issues out loud went super wrong. and I cannot do that shit again.

it feels horrible because all of these personal trauma things happened about 4 years ago and I keep thinking about how this could just be what my life is going to be like. not that I can't do anything about it, because believe me ive made huge steps, more that it caused irreparable damage. like the sort of events that make you categorize your life into a "before" and an "after".

every emotion im feeling is just stewing in me and showing up as self hatred, and I know that I would likely feel better if I opened up. im usually pretty confident and it feels like that's all been zapped out of me. I know im very resilient and I've been through plenty of shit but i kinda hate being that sometimes

[korya-elana]

Hey there! Bit of a vent (not at you, though) incoming-- Man. Maybe I'm just salty today, but that anon you got about physical and mental disabilities being Two Totally Separate Things is such a frustrating sentiment to me. No they're not. I mean, sure, for some people, sometimes, there can be a clean separation, for them personally--but categorically? No. We're disabled. Haven't been able to work in years, can't live on our own right now (we're hoping that'll change in the future, but we honestly don't know). Etc. Are we mentally disabled, or physically disabled? Well... *deep breath* We have chronic fatigue. Which is a physical issue, a literal bodily physical limitation. It's from our long COVID. Unless it's from the dissociative disorder--which is a mental issue, except it can also cause chronic fatigue. Also it's actually because of the sensory overload from having ADHD. We have moderate chronic pain and frequent migraines, which is also from the long COVID, and also our past sports injuries. Except it's also from somatic stress/trauma shit, which is (probably??) from neurodivergent burnout and depression, which make it hard to care for our body properly, which causes more physical pain. Which limits us physically. We don't use mobility aids...except the car we can borrow, which kinda counts, since we often have to use it to get to places that a physically-healthy 31 year old could normally walk to. Although we can't always use it, (the car), because sometimes we dissociate too much to be able to drive safely. Because of the dissociative disorder. Or is it because of the long COVID. Or the sleep problems. Which are physical, not mental--except for we didn't used to have them until we had all these active mental health issues. We sleep all the time because we're depressed. Or because of the chronic fatigue. Which is from the trauma, unless it's actually because of the cardiovascular scarring and low baseline blood O2. "well, you just have both physical and mental disabili--" Are you not listening, they're literally inseparable for us. Your brain is not separate from your body, for fucks sake. -S P.S. This isn't saying that it sometimes isn't really useful and necessary to talk about different ways that disability impacts different folks--of course not every disabled person has the same issues or the same experience, and different kinds of accommodations are more or less frequently accepted/implemented in society. And yeah, in plenty of cases, calling a specific issue a "physical disability" vs a "cognitive disability" vs a "mental health disability" can be a useful shorthand! But saying that "physically disabled people go Over Here and use Only These Words, and mentally disabled people go Over There and use Only Those Words" is just...such a breathtaking mischaracterization of the way disability works for many people.

Oh my god oh my god YOU GET IT. hOLy Shit. @The-best-crew is laughing at me for how much I'm losing my mind about this xD

Ok ok. I think a HUGE part of the reason I didn't discover the System earlier than my late 20s is because of exactly what you're talking about. Holy shit ok let us try and get our thoughts in order.

Listen. We had experiences earlier on that we just didn't attribute to anything serious. Someone who recognized me and I didn't recognize them and that's just life, right? Easily explained away in childhood.

But in my late teens/early 20s I was diagnosed by the Cleveland Clinic with dysautonomia. This is a blanket neurological condition that affects so many things you can't even dream about. Part of it is seizures and hallucinations and brain fog, all of which we are affected by.

So when we started hearing people talk and we went up to greet family who wasn't actually there, we attributed it to dysautonomia. Because dysautonomia can cause auditory hallucinations (but so can DID).

45min of lost time and we're on a page I don't recognize? Seizure. Because I already had them. (But maybe a switch?)

Seeing a guy serenade me at work on the violin because he can't speak? Hallucination, obviously. That definitely didn't end up being my co-host.

Can't remember seeing the Grand Canyon? Oh, it's brain fog for sure. Same with my childhood memories. No one really remembers their childhood, right?

Don't get me wrong: These are all signs of DID. But they are also signs of dysautonomia. While I conflated everything to be one thing or another ... sometimes I just don't know. Am I forgetting something because of amnesia barriers or because of brain fog from my neuro condition? Am I hallucinating due to my dissociative disorder or my neuro disorder? Am I losing time because I legitimately had a seizure or because someone switched in?

I just ... I wish people didn't think it was so black and white. Dissociative disorders have a HIGH level of comorbid disorders. I can't thank you enough for this level of solidarity and understanding.

[velvetvexations]

not sure where else to vent about this but as always Velvet your blog welcomes people on the fringe with open arms and for that I'm very grateful <3 it is a nsfw topic, jsyk

so i'm aspec, to use the broadest categorizations of my sexuality label. kink to me is not really appealing in sexual contexts outside of like, a very specific set of dynamics and tools but that's about where it ends. i'm not really entirely comfortable posting about/sharing/talking about this inclination of mine with anyone in any space, digital or irl, because everyone jumps the gun to "freak sex" when that's just not what i want out of kink in the slightest. recently on here there was that poll that was, like, "is all kink sexual?" and the notes on it were pretty abhorrent-- there were people proclaiming incredibly reactionary things as if it were progressive sex-positive comments, like "so you would do kink with a kid" i.e. equating nonsexual kink with grooming.

and the thing is, from what i've read of kink/sex literature and seen of online asexual communities, kink has a history of being used in nonsexual ways. kink is something that develops from a very young age and in my case i can recall signs from all the way back when i was in preschool. it's extremely isolating and, idk. i think in the light of the recent resurgence of exclusionary politics on here it's just another link in our sticky web of intracommunity aggression that deserves to be talked about. sexualization is not an effect disparate of moralization and none of us are free until we're all free, and all that

This is an interesting perspective. Something I really believe in and want to bring to the world is non-sexual BDSM relationships, wherein one could casually talk about a master or...we really need a word other than "slave", I think, because that's so politically charged, but I also feel like "pet" is not quite the right vibe for me outside of describing the lens through which I see romance as a result of my NPD, and "sub" seems too meager...but anyway, where you could talk about that just eas easily as you would say "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". I'm happy to stand with you on that.

[pan-magi]

Way back thinking about doing element based photosets, the easiest way would be color coded, yeah? There's just one problem with that.

Lightning magic has at least three distinct colors, and I have been bouncing around why on earth that will be for years. It ruined my plans for nice and neat color-coordination and I'm pissed /lighthearted. So, I'm going to dump my thoughts on it into a post and be rid of it. (I may eventually go back to my color coordination and edit ideas but that is not this post. This post is my built up brainrot and semi-vent post, lmao)

After best considering the way to categorize them, my conclusion is simple.

Blue lightning comes from those whose magic magic base came from Alma Tran.

Yellow comes from the magicians born in the reborn world and seems to be the standard for all of them. (I know it looks a little green but that's my color correction being a little funky).

Then there is Judar who has to be extra as fuck.

One exception that I think supports this idea is Yunan. While magi are more directly connected to Alma Tran, I think ultimately that is not where their magic and connection lies. (Yes, I will say the same about Aladdin).

Yunan uses blue, specifically against his fight with Arba and Al Thamen. She points out how it is odd it is. Yunan agrees and cites the reason he is using it is to mimic Sinbad.

It would be nice to have the Alma Tran arc animated, as the manga is in black and white and all I can do is guess. Different worlds is the only common factor I could come up with, outside of strength or purity of the magic, which leads me back to why that would be the case in the first place and I'm back where I started.

As mentioned, Judar is extra about it. One thought is since he is Fallen, though that wouldn't explain why Isnan's and presumably the rest of Al Thamen's magicians don't have theirs changed black/purple too instead of blue. My honest hunch is that because Judar named it black lightning makes it a style choice he did of his own volition. Yunan makes a choice with his. No reason Judar can't be the same.

Uh, yeah. Incomplete data. That is what I came up with though.

Yes, I know this is basically the reason given to Electro's lightning to change to yellow in No Way Home. I've been stuck on this idea for far longer than that movie coming out. Shows how long it's been lol.

[flameswallower]

i think there's some conflicting access need stuff happening online in the area of-- women deserve to be able to vent about the oppression they experience under patriarchy, and about men in general, without being tone policed. lesbians deserve to vent about the social pressure they feel to perform attraction to men without being tone policed. full stop, i'm on board with that, i believe that.

but simultaneously, i think men-- if they're being respectful and sincere and not taking up an inappropriate amount of airtime-- deserve to be able to enter and participate in public conversations about patriarchy, misogyny, how to be better allies to women, etc. without...needing to have absolutely impenetrable titanium self-esteem, right? like, it does actually make me feel quite bad when people do the "male feelings are worthless and men are all entitled predators" shit or (especially!) the "who would ever be DISGUSTING enough to feel SEXUAL ATTRACTION to a MAN" shit lol-- as though i've never thought of myself as disgusting on those grounds (and i think these sorts of statements can and do often veer into homophobia and transphobia, even when they're coming from people who are [albeit differently] gay or trans themselves). i think a lot of non-awful, well-meaning, often fairly marginalized and downtrodden guys end up feeling like they're categorically unwelcome in feminist conversations or spaces, or entering certain conversations with a lot more defensiveness than they otherwise would (thus derailing the actual conversation), because of this phenomenon.

[crystallinestars]

"Bullying into submission" is unfortunately an excellent way to put it 😔 People really need to learn that while feeling the need to vent is more than okay (just look at how much I've complained so far lol), making posts / snide comments with the sole aim of creating Drama or Discourse or straight up jumping into someone's space to berate them for quietly enjoying themselves in a way you don't approve of is truly the best recipe if your goal in life is to be miserable 24/7, on top of being a huge dick move.

I was also thinking about what other anons have brought up (how they feel straight up alienated by popular hcs always being one 'extreme' or another with no in-between) and I feel like these discussions (including the ones on social constructs, loved your input about that btw) are all linked by a common factor: some people try to draw hard lines in the sand in order to neatly categorize stuff in easily identifiable boxes or tropes. Sometimes what we could call "the norm" seems so ingrained in people's minds that it does not even occur to them to try and question this status quo, and so a lot of nuance is either lost or not even explored to begin with. At least that's how I see it, I still need to think about this some more.

I'd say that these "hard lines" aren't only drawn between all we've mentioned, but between communities too. I'm going to say this kinda clumsily but like, why are we treating anyone who isn't "just gay / lesbian / straight" as if they were an enemy and/or a threat? Is it some kind of insecurity that can only be soothed by constant validation? Why is it that when someone dares to make something slightly different, we're bringing out the pitchforks?

This hostility (and just the fact that these discussions / this Discourse seems very cyclical) kind of reminds of a tweet I saw a while ago. I unearthed it for the occasion lol:

"People love to pretend it’s so weird that others get upset when you claim something they like is bad lol.

Slandering something that another person appreciates is akin to insulting/questioning their intelligence, especially when it comes to a piece of work."

The original post was about slandering works as a whole, but I think it can also apply to more specific aspects, like enjoying something in particular in a given work. Why are we pretending it's weird that people get upset when you keep telling them (explicitly or implicitly) that their fun is lame at best? I know people love to say "that's just how the internet is, Get Used To It" but honestly? It's such an empty excuse and it makes me want to bang my head on a wall, because why couldn't we just all keep our manners to begin with??

I feel like I'm answering everything in a weird order lol but about Welt, that's pretty much what I had heard about him! I've been thinking that I should at least look into Hi3 a bit, just to see the links between the games and Mihoyo's overall evolution 🤔 And I didn't know about that lore book! I don't even know if I'm surprised about this reaction but I do know that fandoms sometimes confuse the hell out of me because I've seen just as much Guizhong enjoyers as I've seen people shipping Zhongli with Childe??

I'm just going to say it bluntly: people should REALLY pick a struggle and/or another hill to die on, because having a meltdown for something like that is just embarrassing. It does prove your point about the shipping lenses tho, because I can't think about another reason why a LORE BOOK would have made them feel so threatened 💀 I had seen the tantrums about Dottore (apparently he's too evil??) and Raiden (she's not evil enough??) but this?? MAN.

Kind of makes me think that people are lowkey hypocritical with their need to have canon confirmations, because they love to brag about THEIR pairings but as soon as the possibility appears that the devs MIGHT offer some kind of confirmation on one they don't like, even if it's one as 'marginal', for lack of a better word, as this one, they break out in hives. And the Thoma and Ayaka situation is just another proof that 1) YOU SHOULD NEVER FULLY TRUST LEAKS and 2) the bar we talked about keeps getting lower in hell.

And YES! I also felt like there were a lot of things about Alhaitham that were there to tell the players that while it's true he comes off as odd, eccentric, blunt, etc., he's rather kind all things considered! He's letting Kaveh stay in his house even if they don't particularly get along, he sticks to his moral code, he recognized Dehya's capabilities, he helps Tighnari with Collei's education, and so on. He seems to be the type of person that won't go out of their way to be palatable to others, but he also never goes out of his way to hurt anyone? And what's more, if you're willing to hear him out and truly pay attention to what he says, you'll realize that he's actually quite helpful? In a way that he's giving advice and letting people come to their own conclusions? At least that's what I can think about off the top of my head, so it's kind of hysterical to me that he gets reduced to "That Asshole Feeble Scholar".

This ask is getting long again (and messy) but I still want to add that I've seen your discussions about Nilou, Candace and Kokomi with Kaveh and it might be biased and/or controversial of me to say this but honestly? I think people, no matter their identities, just don't like women / don't even acknowledge how much they dislike women. As you said, same-sex pairings (and i'd say BL pairings in particular) are that much more popular and I'm getting pretty sure that it's in part due to the fact people don't pay attention to the female characters because they might be assuming they'll be boring. I've seen so many people bashing Kokomi, especially her story quest, yet they praise characters like Itto to high heavens? I know that it's 'to each their own' but sometimes I do feel like people don't give some (female) characters much of a chance to begin with.

At least to me it's pretty funny to see the difference between how you and the others have talked about your ideas for ships, and how the fandom talk about haikaveh lmao.

Kavelou shippers: I think they could bring out the best in each other, they could bond over their shared love for the arts and share ideas for their respective fields of expertise!

Loud Haikaveh shippers: omg they're roommates lol, when do you think Alhaitham will impregnate his 'c a n o n' malewife?? Why are kavelou idiots such snowflakes, 'conflict' is essential to make a pairing worth it and we're allowed to enjoy some fictional toxicity

Also, a bit of a side note, but it hasn't escaped me that people love to say that "toxic pairings are valid" for their BL preferences, but Acheron and Black Swan get exactly 1 deadly dance video and suddenly it's the most disturbing thing they've ever seen??

Anyway, I've seen you mention at least twice that you're thinking about making either a different blog or creating a discord server for all these rants you receive, and I think it's a lovely idea! I'm pretty sure I have an account on discord that I haven't touched in years so it has probably been deleted by now 😭 If there's anyone else interested in it would be a great alternative for you to separate your writing from the rants :)

Once again, I hope you're having a wonderful day or evening!

🪻

There is a lot to unpack here, but I will try my best to respond to everything. I'm sorry in advance if I don't touch on every point.

Regarding your "hard lines" comments. It's true that people draw boundaries between what they find acceptable and not, and while this would ordinarily be a good thing, here it's more to do with controversial topics like race, sexuality, gender, etc... and I can't help but wonder if the reason for such behavior is due to politics.

Most of this behavior is present in the western and english-speaking parts of the internet where American politics reign supreme. From what I have heard and seen, the progressive side deems everything that is considered the majority (heterosexuality, white skin, male gender, etc) as the opposite of what they stand for, therefore it must be conservative, which is bad. There's a lot more at play here than just progressive vs conservative, but I am not well-versed in politics, so I won't speak on it too much. Plus, this is all just a theory. But as I've said before, the West loves to drag politics into every aspect of their lives, fandoms included.

The quote you found is actually spot-on. Acting surprised when you insult something people enjoy or relate to is surprised pikachu behavior. Though I suspect these people aren't actually surprised, but are just trolling the people they offended, and are gleeful they managed to get under the skin of those whose views they dislike.

I think the lore book tantrum is another example of people wanting their characters to be "shiny toys", as you put it. Having an indication for a NL relationship between playable characters is a no-no for gacha games. It offends a lot of groups of people. For example, those that want to pair Zhongli with Childe, or self-ship with him, and the same applies for the Guizhong side (even though we had no idea what she looked like at the time). For some reason, there's not as much negative reaction if the ship being teased is same-sex though. Might be because it offends less groups, but it's still a baffling phenomenon for me.

Which brings me to the point about female characters.

I agree with you that female characters get hated on. In the anime and manga spheres, have seen a lot of comments about female characters from various fandoms, and the main complain with them was that they are not as fleshed out as their male counterparts. Female characters lack complex writing and character development, and get reduced to plot devices or love interests for the MC. Even in media made by women for women featuring female protagonists, some of these protagonists are pushovers that rely on male characters to save them. There is a desire for women to be equal to men in media, but it's not common to see.

It doesn't help that in Genshin, the first three chapters had bad writing, especially for female characters. Though not all, majority were were one-note characters with not much complexity or plot behind their actions, unlike male characters. This has improved significantly since Sumeru's debut, but I doubt it's enough to change the minds of some people.

So to make my point; female characters get hate for being boring. I also feel like women are the ones who hate on female characters the most? I have seen both fujoshi and yumejoshi communities hate on female characters for being the love interest of their favorite male character and getting in the way of their ships.

I am hesitant to delve into the topic of why some fujoshi hate female characters since it's not something I completely understand. I did a bit of research into why they prefer BL over NL, and while the gripe about female characters being boring was a main factor, there was also a lot of misogyny. I'm sure there are some other reasons aside from these as to why women hate female characters, but this topic is too complex for me to navigate just yet.

I will defend Kokomi with my life 😤 She got a lot of hate even back in her beta, and her story quest came under fire, as well. I thought her story quest was decent, though maybe my judgement is clouded because I love her so much. Regardless, her character is awesome and I relate to her a lot, so Kokomi slander will not be tolerated 😤

Regarding the difference between haikaveh and other Kaveh ships, I can only think that one is a fetishization of a gay relationships, while the other is a genuine appreciation for the dynamic between characters.

I actually saw only positive comments under the Acheron and Black Swan dance video. Yeah, there were jokes it was toxic, but I didn't see anyone complain about it, though I believe you when you say some people found it problematic. BL gets a lot of special treatment, I would say. Everything that's deemed bad/boring in GL and NL pairings is often painted as being better/good if it's BL. I've only seen a couple of "omg toxic yaoi ❤️" posts, and while those were jokes, it's shocking how much people love to pair enemies together. I see a lot of depictions of abuse in BL, and the shippers love it, so I suppose it's not that surprising? I find it concerning, though.

Anyways, thank you for your well-wishes, and have a great day as well!

[lunalit-river]

[Vent] Comparative Analysis of My OC and Other OCs Observed in L/f!oc fics

*Excuse my English. This post has not been revised by AI for grammar and flow.*

Introduction

Why am I writing this instead of concentrating on my own fic? Answer to myself, it's because there were plenty of doubts while writing. The fear of writing her as not likable, not logical, not complex enough, not human enough, and not acting aligns with those who have trauma, and the last, the fear of accidentally writing her as Mary Sue. Several times I was reading someone else's fanfic and their OC were very popular? Likable? Interesting- in some sort of way, in a way that I find amusing, yet the characterization is never to become my own OC's personality. And with good reason. This post is for myself, to remind me why I write her as she is and why not she is the kind of OC that I imagine modern readers would like (I want to be welcomed by readers, too, yet sadly, I cannot make my OC more loving) Or to put it in another way, this post is me being very self-aware, or convincing myself that it's okay to write her like this. This is me analyzing my own OC.

Basic Description of My WIP F!oc

Nanami Miru (七海咲来) born in England, Japanese family. Abusive parents died in a fire, then entered Wammy's House, given alias "Meredith". Only close people would call her "Meri". Different alias were taken by her in various stages of life and situations, the most used would be Meredith/Saotome Rin (早乙女凜), Later taking the code name "M", carries out Watari's assignments. For more detail, please refer to Far Side of the Moon (AO3)

Varies kinds of OCs Observed in L/F!OC fics

It seemed that categorizing OCs into these kinds was not really fair for the fics I've read, but I won't list them out specifically, so I think sorting my own observations wouldn't hurt, I think. It is noted that these OC traits can appear combined.

Mommy OCs (sometimes this can be a tag) The girl that would take care of other children in Wammy's House if she were a Wammy child. If she is not a Wammy child, then it would be shown in later chapters that when she has contact with the Kira task force, she will take care of everyone and, of course, including L. Very good at taking care of others, physically and emotionally, a motherly like persona. She may also be a great assistant to Watari.

Sassy/wild/badass girl OCs (this is also a tag) The not-obedient girl that would argue and fight L. Maybe fight Watari. Maybe fight everyone. She would teach all of them a lesson, and let them know who's in charge of this story (?) Most of these OCs can be the tough kind, but it does not necessarily mean that she doesn't have her vulnerabilities. Giving enemies to lovers trope more, instead of friends to lovers, even if the fic stated that they are "friends" (or working partners)

Outgoing OC Had to write this separately from the previous category. Outgoing girl to contrast the gloomy vibe of L's. The contrast of their personality would give an interesting take on how they view things. Mostly this kind of outgoing girl is also loved by many others, and including L in most scenarios. Not necessarily sassy wild or not obedient. Frankly speaking, it would be more like this OC is an extrovert, in contrast to L's introversion.

Practical Realistic OCs (more cerebral) <-I'm currently aiming for this, more. I think most OCs I read do have this trait, but also combined with other mentioned traits. OC being intelligent and maybe participating in the Kira case, and giving out her advice to L and Watari, or maybe conducting some missions that Watari or L handed her.

Analysis: M and the OCs mentioned previously

As I do not consider myself to read enough L/OC fics, maybe just pause here on the categorization. Now, I would apply the above-mentioned OC types to my OC and see why she doesn't/does correspond to these popular traits.

Mommy OC I could see M sometimes being watchful to other children in Wammy's House, but rarely. It's more of an act of being nice to others, but nothing more. Without receiving much affection and love from her original family, it would be hard for her to know how to take care of others, especially those who didn't have much to do with her. (If you have not received love, then how do you give love to others) She kept herself quite distant from peers as well, and maybe the only person that she spent time with was Watari, the first person to give her kindness closer to a fatherly figure, and her first emotional dependence was mostly on Watari. Later, with L. But as L himself is also quite distant and isolates himself from others, it would be reasonable when M spends most of her time with L, and only L. It wasn't until after L left Wammy's House that she would have the chance to have contact with others more, and in my current WIP, with a boy named "Adam". What she did was not take care of Adam, but only have some contact and help him with some assignments of his current courses, as she is a few years older than Adam.

Since then, Adam would continue to learn some more music theory from Meredith, and sometimes would ask for her help on the assignments that the instructors assigned to him. It was then Meredith realized how difficult subjects Adam was learning, much more challenging than what she was learning when she was his age. What he was learning maybe two years ahead of his peers, she estimated.

If M had to take care of anyone, it would only be L and Watari. But I don't think that she needs to take care of L? Like, L has Watari beside him, so why need another being to take care of him if he already has a great butler who would even dress him on a daily basis (see, L: One Day) But I've always considered the concept of a "motherly" person has to start with some kind of love that she received before, maybe in her childhood. It was never the case for M. She may know how to serve, clean, and cook (but not baking, as she sucks at baking) from learning later in life, but it only means that she knows how and not necessarily giving the motherly feeling. I've always wanted to write a story that conveyed that being a mother and knowing how to be a mother is definitely acquired and not born with it. Yes, of course, some have an instant love for their child or young children, and maternal love is in the blood, but not all women apply to this. When accepted maternal love is acquired and needed to be learned instead of born with it, I suppose many woman could be relieved from the society's emotional blackmails of "you are the mother and you should do xxx for your child".

Sassy/wild/badass girl OCs This is more like a choice, choosing what kind of personality that one's OC would have. And I did not choose this kind. If I have to give a reason, then it would also stem from the original family that M had. Suppressed feelings and hiding your thoughts from others was what she was educated on, and with the trauma that she experienced, one of the reactions I really wanted to write about was fawning. She is desperate to cling to someone who could provide her love. Therefore, she would not have the personality to be a badass girl, I suppose. She is too afraid to be unseen, to be ignored by those whom she cares about the most, to be rejected, and therefore, she doesn't really have the courage to be disobedient. To my own interpretation of this OC, it would be harder for her to stand up to Watari than fight L, as to her she may have a more horizontal relationship with L, but never with Watari. It would definitely be vertical. M struggled for praise when she was younger and even after entering Wammy's House. Watari needed patience to make her more open, and that's why the little girl likes the inventor and sees him as the fatherly figure that she did not have in her childhood. Watari was more like a father when he was around M than L. Out of my own agenda, I wanted M to be the soft spot of Watari, but it does not mean that Watari would prioritize M more than L. Watari wanted to change the world. And L was his hope to accomplish that. It was also my attempt to subtly show Watari's obsession with L's success and later to pursuit the goal of world peace, the reason for the successor's program. I know that in Another Note (AN) Watari was portrayed like the mad scientist that wanted to copy L's success, and disregard the well-being of Wammy children, but this is really different from the relationship that Watari shared with M. In later chapters, I did have an attempt to explain and adjust the reasons provided by AN, and I do hope the narrative is logical and in an ingenious way that does not go too far from canon but still maintains the warmth Watari expressed to M, and to other children of Wammy's House. I think I'm carrying away too much in this passage.

Outgoing OC This is also by choice more than reason. Couples in my own experiences mostly share similar personalities than those who had totally different personalities. L and M both are quiet introverts that only open up more when they are around people they are familiar with- well, maybe we can't really see that in L in canon, but he definitely is not an outgoing guy. There was a scene in anime when L knew that it would be his death day, and he went to Watari, with Watari asking him "What's wrong" but he remained silence. I think it was the few moments that we could see L seeking for some kind of emotional comfort from Watari, or maybe wanting to take one last look at the man that raised him, but didn't know what to say or express. L felt strange to tell Watari that he hear the bells. It was not him. It was not logical. And even he did tell Watari, Watari may not understand what he meant (It's really metaphysics, to say.) But judging from this scene, I do think that L would open up, very slightly, to those who he trusts the most. But never to others, colleagues (task force), or mere friends, let alone potential rivals (Yagami) Where am I? Ah yes, outgoing OCs. So it's only really my own preference to write a love interest of L's sharing similar personalities like him. Communication and opening up would be easier for this kind of couple, in my experience. And with M also not the outgoing girl, I could maintain that very nuanced emotional flow between the two of them. Everything is very subtle and indirect. And that is the kind of story I wanted to tell.

Practical Realistic OCs (more cerebral) So, this part, the thing I wanted to point out is that I do want my OC to be practical and realistic. The part that I am not going to write is OC engaging in L's investigations or career. I know that to showcase an OC's intelligence and make L approve of her is to make her work with him in some cases, or even the Kira case, but it just boggled me that if L really cherished another person, then would he let her engage in what he is doing? First, he knew that his career was never the kind that was considered safe. Especially Kira case is the most dangerous and difficult case for him; in my own understanding of L, he would be well aware of the danger and would not want his love interest to risk her life in such matters. Second, L has some sort of pride. Ego. this is his domain. Solving cases, whether it was a game for him or fighting for justice, gave him a sense of accomplishment and relieved the boredom he experienced as the top. Handling the case on his own would suit him more like L; he would again prove to others that he is the top and greatest of all. Even if L didn't have this thought, L is a man who has boundaries and needs ultimate freedom when he works. He would need assistance from the task force and Watari, but he dislikes to be distracted, as evident from canon.

I can't stand it when people's cellphones are ringing while I'm trying to talk. Let me start by saying nobody takes notes on anything that's said in these meetings. That means when we leave headquarters, any information we need is committed to memory. Please, make yourselves comfortable. (L, Death Note-Unraveling)

So how to show OC's intelligence and respect for L's boundaries? My answer in my story is, she has her own career, her own assignments given by Watari. L would only seek for her advice if he really needed it. But both of them would not trespass into each other's domain. By doing so it could maintain the boundaries of L's, giving him maximum freedom in investigation without having to worry about his love interest risking.

"I have confirmed that Kira is a student." L paused, bringing his thumb to his lips before continuing, "I'm just trying to gather more clues." M peered at the screens and flashed a smile. "Looks like the schedule of a third-year high school student." L inquired, "How so?" "If it were a first or second-year student, they would have club activities after school," M gestured towards the time on the screen, "but third-year students are busy preparing for university entrance exams and are not required to participate in clubs. Unless Kira didn't participate in any clubs, which is uncommon for Japanese students, it must be a senior student." (Far Side of the Moon, Chapter 2)

So here, what M only did was give a comment on L's current case but never participate in the investigations. I want to show that L respects her career, and she, too, respects his boundaries, even if she wants to help. Of course, if she ever did, I imagine with both of their intelligence, the Kira case would be solved maybe much faster (hehe), and maybe we would have an alive L. But no, for my story. I want to aim for the story that was not presented in canon. The scenes of L's private life that did not show in canon but happened simultaneously. Not really canon compliant, but aim to.

Conclusion: Write what you want to write.

Yeah. As I mentioned before, this post is a reminder for myself. Believe in yourself. Trust the plot. Trust the story. Trust how much you invested yourself in this story, and readers could feel that you put a lot of effort into the story and did your homework. There's a lot more I wanted to explore in my current WIP, other than DNverse. Feminism, society issues in Japan, mental health issues, trauma experiences, longing, relationships...etc. Trying to combine them all. And hope for the best.