#is the way to go. getting therapy is the way to go. or at least SOMETHING self improvement that isnt a self improvement cult

[corendisguise]

Neighbor's Curiosity

Chapter 1

„What the hell is going on next door?" Scott muttered to himself, his eyes fixed on the handsome blonde man emerging from the house. The guy was tall, with broad shoulders and a confident stride that made Scott's heart skip a beat. But there was something off. Something wrong.

Scott had been in this neighborhood for barely six weeks, and already he’d seen at least 8 different men leave that house in the morning, only to return later in the evening. It was strange. Too strange. And now, curiosity—or maybe something darker, deeper—was gnawing at him like a restless beast.

But what if I’m overthinking it? Scott thought, trying to rationalize the situation. Maybe it’s just some kind of... fitness group? Therapy sessions? A rotating roommate situation?

The blonde man disappeared down the street, and Scott’s mind raced. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something unusual was happening behind those closed doors. His neighbor, the bearded guy who lived there — at least he was the one he saw most often — seemed normal enough at first glance. Friendly, even. But now, Scott wasn’t so sure.

“Screw it,” Scott whispered, his resolve hardening. He waited a few hours and the he grabbed his keys and stepped out onto the porch, glancing around to make sure no one was watching. The coast was clear. Heart pounding, he crossed the yard and approached the neighbor’s house.

The front door was unlocked.

How careless, Scott thought, though his unease was quickly overtaken by excitement. He slipped inside, closing the door softly behind him. The house was quiet, almost too quiet, as if it were waiting for him.

He moved cautiously through the living room, his eyes darting left and right. Nothing seemed out of place, but the air felt charged, electric. Then he noticed it—a door slightly ajar, leading to what must be a bedroom.

This is crazy, he thought, but his feet carried him forward anyway.

The bedroom was darker than the rest of the house, the curtains drawn shut. In the corner, a large cabinet caught his eye. It was ornate, old-fashioned, and slightly creepy in its grandeur. Curiosity won out over caution, and Scott approached it, his hands trembling as he swung open the doors.

What he found inside made his breath catch in his throat.

Row after row of male masks stared back at him, each one meticulously crafted, lifelike. Some were old, some young, and all of them bore expressions that ranged from neutral to downright sinister. There were also bodysuits—tight, muscular ones, slender ones, even a few that mimicked age or skin tone variations.

And then, right at the center, was a mask that made Scott’s heart stop.

His neighbor’s face stared back at him.

"No way," Scott whispered, his voice barely audible. He reached out, fingers brushing against the cold, smooth surface of the mask. It was identical to the bearded man who lived here, down to the smallest detail.

This isn’t real. This can’t be real.

But it was.

A surge of conflicting emotions washed over him—fear, fascination, and something else, something primal. His cock twitched in his pants, and he cursed under his breath.

I need to get out of here, he told himself, but his body had other plans. Without thinking, he grabbed the mask and a nearby muscular bodysuit. They weren’t heavy, but they felt oddly substantial in his hands.

He didn’t know why, but he needed to try them on.

Back at his own house, Scott locked the doors and drew the curtains, shutting out the world. He stripped down to nothing, his naked flesh prickling with anticipation. The latex lifelike bodysuit came next, slipping on smoothly despite its tight fit. It clung to him like a second skin, accentuating every curve and muscle. When he looked in the mirror, he barely recognized himself.

The transformation was stunning.

Finally, he placed the mask over his face, adjusting it until it sat perfectly. The edges were seamless, blending into his skin as if it were his own. He ran his hands over his new appearance, marveling at the texture, the detail.

"Wow," he whispered, his voice muffled slightly by the mask. It was uncanny how real it all felt.

A thought occurred to him, wild and impulsive: Can I fool anyone?

With the suit and mask on, he felt invincible, empowered. He grabbed a pair of jeans and a plain white t-shirt from his closet, dressing quickly. The disguise was complete.

Scott stepped into the late afternoon, the cool air brushing against his synthetic skin. His heart raced as he walked to the local gay bar just down the street. The place wasn’t fancy, but it was lively, filled with people laughing and talking.

He hesitated at the entrance, glancing around to see if anyone looked familiar. No sign of his neighbor—good. He took a deep breath and pushed through the door, stepping into the dim light and noise.

Almost immediately, someone caught his eye.

A man sat at the bar, mid-thirties, with dark hair and sharp features. He was alone, nursing a drink, his expression distant. Scott swallowed hard, his mouth dry.

Just go talk to him, he told himself. You’ve got this.

But as he approached, his confidence wavered. What if he messed up? What if someone saw through the disguise?

Before he could overthink it, the man at the bar turned to look at him. Their eyes met, and Scott froze. „Hey Mike, i didn’t expect you to be here today“ the man said, his voice low and inviting. “You look like you could use a drink.”

Scott nodded slowly, forcing himself to smile. “Yeah,” he replied, his voice steady. “Thanks.”

As he slid onto the stool beside the man, he couldn’t help but wonder if this was exactly what his neighbor had done countless times before. Was this part of the game? The thrill?

Or is this something more?

Scott’s heart raced as the man at the bar slid closer, his dark eyes locking onto Scott’s. The air between them seemed to thicken, charged with a tension that Scott wasn’t sure he could entirely explain. Was it the thrill of the disguise? The alcohol loosening his inhibitions? Or was it something else entirely—something regarding his mask?

“You’re quiet tonight,” the man said, his voice smooth and low. He leaned in slightly, his shoulder brushing against Scott’s arm. “Something on your mind?”

Shit, Scott thought, I should say something. But the words caught in his throat. Instead, he tilted his head, letting the mask’s persona guide him. “Just taking it all in,” he replied, his voice steady, though his pulse quickened.

The man smirked, raising his glass in a toast before taking a sip. “Can’t blame you. This place has a way of making you think.” His gaze lingered, flickering down to Scott’s lips before returning to his eyes. “So, what’ have you been up to, tonight?”

Keep it together, Scott told himself. Don’t overthink it. The guy obviously knew him, the identity he was wearing at least: „just need a drink with a friend,” he said, the lie rolling off his tongue easily. “And you?”

“Rick is part of the inventory.“ the barkeeper responded from behind the counter. Rick laughed but left his gaze on Scott:. “I am happy to meet you today here, Mike,“ his tone casual but laced with an undercurrent of interest.

They exchanged small talk, the conversation flowing like water over rocks, punctuated by laughter and the clinking of glasses. Scott found himself relaxing, the initial nerves giving way to a strange sense of confidence. This is working, he thought, marveling at how seamlessly he’d slipped into this new identity.

Rick’s fingers brushed against Scott’s hand as they reached for their drinks, a subtle touch that sent a shiver up Scott’s spine. “You’re different today,” Rick said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. “Not like last time we met here.”

Scott swallowed hard, his throat suddenly dry. “Different how?”

Rick smiled, a slow, knowing curve of his lips. “You look… curious. Like you’ve got secrets.” He leaned in closer, his breath warm against Scott’s ear. “And I think I want to know what they are.”

Before Scott could respond, a deep voice cut through the haze of flirtation. “Hello, Mike. How are you? I didn’t expect to see you here tonight.”

Scott froze, his body stiffening as he turned to find an older chunky bearded man in a leather jacket standing beside him. The man’s expression was friendly enough, but there was something in his eyes—a sharpness, a calculating gleam that made Scott’s stomach drop.

“Uh… hi,” Scott stammered, his mind racing. Who the hell is this?

The man chuckled, leaning in to hug Scott tightly. “It’s been too long, old friend.” His voice was warm, but when he pulled back, his eyes narrowed slightly. “You’ve been busy, haven’t you?”

Scott nodded uneasily, his heart pounding in his chest. “Yeah, just… life, you know.”

The man didn’t respond right away, instead studying Scott with an intensity that made the room feel smaller. Finally, he leaned in close, his lips brushing against Scott’s ear as he whispered, “I know you stole my face, Scott. Don’t play dumb. I have cameras in my house. Follow me quietly into the restroom, or things could get… unpleasant.”

Scott’s breath hitched, his body going rigid with fear and arousal all at once. He knows, his mind screamed. He knows.But even as panic surged through him, there was a flicker of something else—an electric thrill that coursed through his veins, igniting a fire in his core.

Without waiting for a response, the man turned and strode toward the restroom, his leather jacket creaking with each step. Scott glanced at Rick, whose expression was a mix of confusion and curiosity, then back at the restroom door. What choice do I have? he thought, pushing himself off the stool.

The restroom was dimly lit, the only sound the faint hum of the ventilation system. The man stood near the door, his hands resting on the edge as he waited. As Scott stepped inside, the door clicked shut behind him, sealing them in together.

The man’s eyes widened briefly before narrowing again, his jaw ticking with what looked like anger. “You really thought you could fool me? My own fucking mask?”

Scott swallowed, his mouth dry. “I… I didn’t mean—”

“Shut up,” the man snapped, stepping forward until Scott was pinned against the cold tile wall. “Do you have any idea what kind of trouble you’re in? Stealing from me? Who do you think you are?”

Scott shook his head, his breathing shallow. “I’m sorry, I just… I was curious. I wanted to see—”

“Curious?” the man repeated, his tone dripping with sarcasm. “You’re lucky I don’t call the cops.” His hand moved to Scott’s chin, tilting his face upward. “But you know what? You’re not all bad. That mask and body suit fits you like it was made for you.”

Scott’s cheeks flushed, his heart hammering wildly in his chest. The man’s proximity was overwhelming, his cologne mingling with the scent of leather, creating a heady mix that made Scott’s knees weak.

“You like this, don’t you?” the man asked, his voice dropping to a whisper. “Being caught. Being exposed. Fucking stealing my face and parading around like you own it.”

Scott couldn’t deny it. Somewhere beneath the fear, beneath the shock, there was a raw, undeniable excitement coursing through him. “Yes,” he admitted, his voice barely audible.

The man’s lips curled into a sly smile, his fingers trailing down Scott’s neck, across his collarbone, and lower still. “Well, then,” he murmured, “let’s make this worth my while.”

Before Scott could process what was happening, the man’s hands moved quickly, ripping apart the T-Shirt and opening his jeans. The man pulled the jeans down and Scott didn’t resist. When the trousers fell to the ground the man’s lips were already on his, rough and demanding. The kiss was nothing like the lingering, almost hesitant ones he’d shared with Rick. This was dominance, pure and unapologetic, sending waves of heat crashing through Scott’s body. While kissing Scott

he was pulling at the zipper of the bodysuit. Scott gasped into the kiss as his erection pressed against the tight fabric, aching for release. “Please,” he begged, his voice breaking.

The man pulled back, his eyes gleaming with satisfaction. “Turn around,” he commanded, and Scott obeyed without hesitation, his arousal overriding any sense of caution.

As Scott braced himself against the wall, the man gripped his shoulders with bruising force, his touch leaving no room for doubt about who was in control. The sound of the bodysuit being pulled down sent a shiver through Scott’s entire body, a tight, restrictive layer was removed that only heightened his sensitivity. and then finall he felt it: the blunt pressure of the man’s cock against him, ready and relentless, covered in precum. Somehow he had managed to open also his own jeans before.

The man’s hands tightened on Scott’s hips, his grip almost painful, but Scott didn’t care. All he could focus on was the way the older man’s body pressed into him, the heat of his arousal building up, the bodysuit still clinging to Scott’s legs. The zipper had somehow opened more then the suit.

“You like this, don’t you?” the man growled, his voice low and deep, vibrating against Scott’s ear as he leaned in close. “You like being taken like this. No questions, no hesitation. Just surrender.”

Scott nodded, his breath coming in shallow gasps. His mind was spinning, fogged by desire and the heady rush of submission. He wanted this—wanted him—more than he had ever wanted anything in his life. The man’s dominance was intoxicating, his every touch sending electric shocks through Scott’s veins.

“Yes,” Scott whispered, his voice barely audible over the sound of their harsh breathing. “Please… yes.”

The man smirked, his lips curving into a wicked grin as he slid a hand up Scott’s back, fingers tracing the curve of his spine. “Good boy,” he murmured, punctuating the words with a sharp slap to Scott’s ass that made him cry out. “Now hold still.”

He positioned himself again, and this time there was no hesitation. Scott felt the blunt head of the man’s cock pressing against him, slick with precum, and then—finally—he was inside. The sensation was overwhelming, intense, and Scott’s knees buckled slightly as he struggled to stay upright. The man didn’t give him a chance to adjust, thrusting forward with brutal force, driving deep into him.

Scott clenched his fists against the wall, his entire body trembling as the man took him with reckless abandon. Each thrust was hard and unrelenting, sending jolts of pleasure-pain rippling through him. He could feel the bodysuit tangled around his feet, the fabric scraping against his skin with every movement, and the mask still clung to his face, its weight oddly comforting despite the situation.

“You’re mine,” the man snarled, his voice dripping with authority. “Every inch of you. You understand that?”

Scott nodded again, his vision blurring as waves of pleasure crashed over him. “Yes… I’m yours,” he gasped, the words tumbling out before he could stop them. The man grabbed his hair with one hand and pulled hard. The mask was stretched out and the features were distorted.

The man chuckled and moaned darkly, his grip on Scott’s hips tightening afterwards even more. “That’s what I thought,” he said, punctuating the words with another deep thrust. “You’re good at taking orders. Too bad you’re such a little thief.”

Scott’s eyes snapped open, confusion flooding his thoughts. “What?” he managed to choke out, his voice trembling.

The man paused for a moment, pulling back just enough to look Scott in the eye. “Did you really think I wouldn’t notice?” he said, his tone cold and mocking. “You were stealing one of my masks. One of my suits. Do you have any idea in how many places I’ve been with it? How many people I’ve fucked with this mask on?”

Scott’s heart skipped a beat, panic surging through him. He hadn’t expected this—hadn’t expected the man to call him out so explicitly. But before he could respond, the man grabbed both ears of the mask with both hands, his fingers digging deep into the rubber.

“Let’s see who we’re dealing with, shall we?” the man murmured, his voice dripping with menace.

Scott tried to pull away, but it was useless. The man’s strength far outmatched his own, and within seconds the mask was being lifted off his face. The cool air hit his cheeks, and Scott’s stomach churned with a mix of fear and humiliation. He wasn’t Mike anymore—not in this moment. He was just some guy, caught red-handed, about to be exposed.

But the man didn’t seem interested in his identity. Instead, he held the mask up in front of Scott’s face, his eyes gleaming with something dark and dangerous. “You stole this from me,” he said, his voice low and deadly. “And now you’re going to pay for it.”

Before Scott could react, the man slammed into him again, harder this time, driving the breath out of his lungs. Scott cried out, his voice echoing off the tiled walls of the restroom, and then everything blurred together in a haze of pain and pleasure. The man assaulted him relentlessly, each thrust pushing Scott closer to the edge. He took the mask to his lips and pressed his tongue into the mouth hole. He licked off Scott’s remains, his sweat and his odor.

“Come for me,” the man commanded, his voice thick with lust. “Do it now.”

Scott couldn’t resist. He was already teetering on the brink, and the man’s demand sent him spiraling over the edge. He came with a strangled cry, his orgasm flooding through him as the man continued to pound into him. And then, a moment later, the man followed, his muscles tensing as he emptied himself inside Scott.

For a long moment, they stayed like that, the man buried deep inside Scott, both of them panting heavily. And then, slowly, the man withdrew, his movements calm and deliberate. He stepped back, allowing Scott to sink to his knees, the bodysuit still tangled around his feet.

The man crouched down in front of Scott, his expression unreadable. “You’re lucky I enjoyed that,” he said, his voice quiet but laced with danger. “Next time, I won’t be so forgiving.”

Scott looked up at him, his heart pounding in his chest. “Who… who are you?” he whispered, his voice trembling.

The man smiled faintly, a hint of amusement playing at the corners of his mouth. “Look up,” he said, his tone suddenly gentle. “I’ll show you.”

Scott hesitated, but the urgency in the man’s voice—and the promise of answers—was too strong to ignore. He looked up, facing the mirror above the sink, and watched as the man reached up to his own mask.

With deliberate precision, the man pried the edges of the mask free at his throat, his fingers working patiently until it came loose. He inserted his fingers into the seam on both sides of his chin. He pushed them under the mask. The features stretched and the eyehole became empty. Scott’s breath caught in his throat as the mask was lifted away, revealing the man’s true face.

It wasn’t the rugged, bearded visage Scott had expected. Instead, the man standing behind him had a handsome, angular face with blonde hair and a neatly trimmed beard. His brown eyes shone with a mixture of triumph and something softer—something almost kind.

“George,” the man said, his voice smooth and calm. “My name’s George.” „I think I should invite you more into my house. We could have a lot of fun.“

to be continued…

[ashs-bpd-blog]

Oop OK uhm mine are that body positivity community is bullshit (cuz if you're unhealthy-level weight wise you should try and fix that instead of just 'love yourself 💞 you're beautiful just the way you are ✨️' like get the fuck off my screen being at a higher weight makes my POTS worse so I'm gonna loose weight even if part of it is bc I hate my body.

Endos are not only real , they aren't faking OSDDID (or at least most aren't bc I've rarely seen endos claim to have it and when they do they always have trauma , it just didn't make them plural it was before or after pluralhood). And also that tulpas (the experience not the term itself) is also valid and completely understandable. I was friendless as a kid and neglected by my parents to the of MaDD becoming my coping mechanism. If I was able to *just* befome plural from that loneliness as a kid instead of the fucking years of abuse I went through? Trust me I absolutely would. And I dont get why others are so brutally upset over that cuz like why wouldn't you want others to be happy or like- at least not suffering.

And finally , paraphilias shouldn't be demonized. Yes acting on the big 3 should be but without people saying shit like 'kill all pedos!!' there probably wouldn't me nearly as many people with pedo ocd or feel too scared to go to therapy to help cope with that unfortunate attraction.

And some extra fun facts about me to go along with those opinions : my dad is a pedo , he doesn't admit to it but he very much is one. I'm a victim of grooming and SA by an older kid , which is how I initially discovered my plurality (I have noticed headmates that spawned that are from before that tho , so it might've been when it became disordered or smth). And uhm yes I have an ED but my weight loss is relatively healthy compared to most of my friends with EDs so uhm yea

ALSO anyone can debate me on these on this post , in DMs or in the askbox but please stay civil (esp on the syscourse one)

There’s a trend on twitter of ‘what’s your most unwoke opinion” (as a leftist) and I have some moots to ask

What’s your most anti-tiktok opinion eating disorder or other wise (with no pressure tags)

I’ll go first, I think that to participate in society you need to be fully vaccinated. You need to get a vaccine in school and if you are out of school to apply for a job you need a record of full vaccination. I don’t care if you have an allergy that’s .2% of the population. I don’t care if you’re a crunchy mom who can’t let the autistic devil in your body or religious nut shit. You are killing people, you need to be fully vaccinated to be in a society. Your personal liberty is not as important in this situation than the interest of others so therefore it’s constitutional.

Trigger warnings don’t need to exist. There are like four and we all know what four im talking about but trigger warning: tics!! should never grace my screen.

Due to the fat positive political conversation eating disorders are now political and are marginalized in that space. It’s harder to be underweight in online society currently than it is to be overweight.

No pressure I just feel like u guys have things to say @gruesomeghost-boy @h0ney-yap @cocaine-cass @v3hementvelvet

[mahou-no-momo]

Y'all ever think about this panel? Like, you know Pete, Josh, and Jerry have probably heard that manic laugh a dozen times enough to react the way they did. But oh god, Mandi only ever heard of it secondhand and likely was a bit wary after seeing Jerry having to go to therapy. She seemingly was prepared to deal with his outburst but not this. Maybe like Jerry, she thought he changed or at least had grown up enough to not wreak the kind of havoc he once did as a teen. Just imagine how chilling it was to actually know and see that Bill was about to absolutely cause immense chaos once he no longer had any control of the situation. Because that's what he does. He's petty. And if he's not in control, in power, or getting his way then nobody else can have those things either, especially not his ex-friend group.

You can practically see their blood run cold, immediately sweating, the look of terror, probably having all those memories of their past in the club. They know they're all about to be in deep shit.

[junedenim]

2012

beneath the boardwalk, part 10 (series masterlist)

why'd you only call me when you're high?

warnings: a whole lot of angst, temptation, nostalgia, and nothing

word count: 10.4k

Squished between two couch cushions watching Real Housewives, I got a call from Alex. "Did I wake you?" He questioned. It was late or early depending on who you asked. I had been woken up from a cold I was suffering from. He had never gone to bed.

"No, no, I'm just sitting around, suffocating," I complained. His voice was rough, but not thick with phlegm like mine. He chuckled in a rhythmic format, beat after beat. He sounded like he was sinking into himself, his flesh turning to goo. I heard his lips smack together as if he was chewing on a piece of hay. I coughed, the harshness reaching him miles and miles away. "You alright?"

"Yeah." I think he was chewing gum. "Just got home."

I hummed with understanding. "Did you have a nice night?"

He made a noise of indifference. "How long you been sick?"

"Two days now and it's not getting any better." I sniffled and stuffed a tissue up my nostril, thankful that I lived alone. "Think I caught it at a New Year's Party. I'm worried I have mono."

"Why? You've been kissing a bunch of people?" His words hung in the middle of us. Both of us moving on from one another had been unspoken. We were still on a break for all intents and purposes, even if he was with Arielle. Another thing we never talked about. 

I gave the best laugh I could do without coughing. "It's supposed to be good luck. I also ate 12 grapes and banged bread against the wall."

"Did you really?" He amusingly asked.

"No, well, not the bread part." I sighed. "Now, I'm just sitting on the couch watching shitty reruns. I can't fall back asleep."

"Neither can I," he said.

I hesitated and curled up under my blanket. "Is that why you called me at 4 in the morning?" I said it with a laugh to ease any tensions that may arise.

"It's only 1 here."

"Right. I forgot about the time difference." It didn't seem right for him to be so far away permanently. None of this seemed like the correct order of things. It was a misalignment but there could be no corrective measure.

"Yeah, I kind of did too." There was a pause like he was thinking things over. Like he might have had something to say but now he couldn't find it. "I'll let you go then." In more ways than one.

*

Alex was a cloud. He was away on tour, far away and out of reach. We talked less but not intentionally. We both just got really busy and we didn't need each other for that constant contact anymore. I was plummeting toward the wildest time of my life and he was up to his usual unable-to-contact schedule. Somewhere in Australia first then opening for The Black Keys. Plus, he had Arielle.

The new girlfriend thing didn't bug me much, at least, not in the form of jealousy. It was a strange thing. I hadn't fully adjusted to the idea but it was much easier when he was nowhere near my life. If it had happened when we were younger, I think I would've punished myself for it, but I had grown into a far lighter figure who understood not everyone was trying to make a mark against me. Alex was living his own life, which for the past few years had been dedicated to one person. It was "seeing what else was out there."

I was alone for the most part. I saw Jackson nearly every day, whether for work or leisure, but I was getting used to being alone for long grasps of time. I spent time writing in my notebook like the old days. A therapy session that I locked away in a drawer. I rotted in my room for days. I watched all of The Sopranos, practiced the splits, and thought about getting a cat. It was winter and a very boring time.

But around the end of January, I did my first interview. It was small and nothing huge, but it was talking about my work in-depth for the first time with a stranger. I pretended I was talking to Alex.

Alex and I didn't stop talking completely. I called him on his birthday, briefly, and we had a long chat toward the end of January where we caught up with one another. Neither of us had much to tell. He had been touring. I had been crawling around New York doing next to nothing, besides book matters and talking about my "marketability."

Alex laughed at this. "Yeah, they tend to do that. Try to whittle you down to one trait."

"It's making me feel insecure." I laughed at it but it felt small inside me, burning its way out.

Alex hummed in agreement. "Well, at least you're not a pimple-ridden kid doing it."

It wasn't something he talked about much. He hated people giving him attention, yet he was in a career that commanded eyes to be focused on him. It was one of our many skimmed-over conversations. In some ways, it made me feel like I didn't know Alex. We both hid parts of ourselves from one another and knew that the other did this. That burning curiosity we used to have probably went out once we started to live with one another. You know someone for long enough that it begins to feel like you know every inch of them. I slept with him night after night but I wondered if I ever knew what was ticking on in his head before he fell asleep. What was he thinking when he sat outside with a closed notebook? Why did he turn away?

I didn't even know why I turned away. I wrote repeatedly in my notebook, questioning why I couldn't make it work with Alex. I resisted jumping into a relationship because of that. If I couldn't make it work with Alex then it probably wouldn't work with anyone, especially during that portion of my life. I didn't know what it meant to be alone, like really alone.

I deflected a lot. I even deflected earlier in this book. I was devastated by the loss of Alex and I don't think it hit me until much later because I always had an anvil weighing on the back of my head telling me it wasn't over. Arielle complicated those ideals and I think for a while I was on my back unable to regain upright status. I was flailing.

That's why I paused. When 2012 hit, I was forced into a corner. I felt distant from who I was but still so far away from who I was becoming. I felt like I was the roots of the tree that had been cut down. I was left to be a stump.

One night, over a joint, I told Jackson I didn't feel British. Jackson, a Californian boy through and through, did not understand this. He laughed from the high while the smoke just made me more disoriented. He told me that I was "perfectly British." To me, that sounded like some marketing strategy. That's what the book would be marketed as—a British girl coming to America; her cold skin meeting the California sun. It made me hate the book. Or I hated myself, the lines were blurring.

I thought I had grown away from forms of jealousy. I have just previously insisted to you that I experienced no feelings of envy toward Arielle...but I did. It was ignored and then it couldn't be. The "R U Mine?" music video featured Arielle and a "new" Alex. I'm not a fan of the insinuation Alex suddenly changed after we broke up, besides his hair and fresh Sheffield tattoo, I would come to know Alex was exactly the same. Alex never quite changes. He's always been suave. It's hard to take a 20-year-old as seriously as a 25-year-old, especially when he is still pimple-ridden.

I found my jealousy toward Arielle in regard to "R U Mine?" was the same as when Alex showed me "Bigger Boys and Stolen Sweethearts" because, honestly, since then Alex's only explicit romantic muse (the word makes me want to barf, but that's what I was) was me. It's the weird thing of being with a writer, especially with personal subjects. It's beautiful when it's for you but then you realize that it was never really for you. It was about you. Alex didn't write a song to make me feel loved. He wrote a song because he liked writing songs.

Unknowingly, I always felt that. It's why I didn't swoon every time I heard "Mardy Bum." I loved it as a song but it didn't feel like a love letter. I felt Alex's love in far different ways. As the years went on, I would find love letters in songs, but at the center, I found his love in crevices: a note from college, a smoke outside a pub, a cooked meal, folded laundry—god, I sound old.

But his love wasn't restricted to those songs. Just as my love isn't restricted to this tome. This is a love letter in pieces for Alex but it's also for my youth. I found around this time, I began to reflect on those early years. Nearly 10 years out from 2003, I became a preservationist. I jotted down my memory of my first conversation with Alex. I tucked it away in my drawer, no use for it yet.

*

Alex called me on my birthday. He wasn't too far away, somewhere between Portland and Boston on a bus. It was late with only an hour left to my birthday, which I had spent drinking with friends. It was a rather simple birthday. It could've been just another night, minus the cake (red velvet with frosted flowers on top of it) that Fennel and Kaka purchased for me.

Alex texted me in the morning. Something akin to Hey. Happy birthday. Al.

It was formal and if it didn't make me laugh so much I think I'd be hurt by it. But Alex always texted like that as if he was penning a letter. The letter was awfully short but it was sent at 4 AM, which made me believe he either had no sleep or had just woken up.

I was expecting more and I got more. When I was drunk.

"Hi," I said, shoving the phone to my ear as a subway train came roaring by.

He chuckled, hearing the noise. "Hi." He waited for it to pass fully before continuing, "Happy birthday."

"Thank you."

"Did you spend it good?"

"Yeah. I'm pretty drunk."

"Alright, then, I won't keep you long."

"No," I insisted. "Stay on the phone with me." I was pleading. I didn't want to let go of him. "At least, until I'm home." I wasn't far away but I lied and acted like I was further away, keeping him on the line with me, even as we lost connection at various times.

"Sorry I didn't get you anything," he said halfway through the subway ride.

"I didn't get you anything,” I reminded him.

"Yeah. Feels weird."

We hummed in silence because we both knew how abnormal this was. We weren't friends. Alex and I were never friends. Nothing ever went away or could ever go away. We were struggling to redefine what we were. We could never disentangle from one another. It pulled us back toward one another, even when we shouldn't have.

"I was going to get you that, uh, milkshake maker so you wouldn't have to pay extra at Morgenstern's for one." I didn't know a person could get so emotional over a milkshake maker that they would feel like crying on the F train. I might be the only person ever.

It was such a stupid gift. I would probably get two uses out of the machine before it broke and it wouldn't be as good as Morgenstern's makes theirs and it would go to waste. Still, I can imagine if he did get it for me. How after I unwrapped it we would go to Morgenstern's and get a pint of ice cream and Alex would make me a milkshake. One just for me. If I was feeling generous enough, we'd share the straw.

None of this would have happened, even if we were together. He'd still be in between Portland and Boston and I'd still be riding the F, wishing he was with me. It was comforting that maybe I had done the right thing, even if it felt so hard.

"Well, you can get it for me for Christmas."

He laughed and said, "Okay."

*

Black leather loafers with black wool flannel trousers. A white poplin shirt, two buttons loose at the top and at the bottom. I had a black corduroy jacket that Jackson held for me. I felt like I was dressing up in my mother's clothes. I was doing book press. It was an unfitting experience but I held the hardcover book in my hand. It felt unnatural but I liked my authour's photo.

By that point, I was so far removed from the contents of the book. I started to second-guess it even coming out. It felt like my diary, even if it was evasive at times and cut out the personal from that time (Alex is not mentioned once, not even as the person I moved to LA for). Still, it was exposing, but it was real now and it was sitting in my hand.

Alex came to town a week later, opening for The Black Keys. I didn't see the show—things were getting too busy by that point. I asked Alex if we could meet for a quick lunch and he accepted.

We met at Westville, a cute restaurant, but by no means romantic. I felt a need for that to be clear. I worried about Arielle worrying that I was trying to "steal" Alex or whatever that meant. I don't think she ever did. After all, she had the guy and I was resigned with no longer having the guy. It wasn't the bitch fight it has been imagined to be.

I waited for Alex outside the restaurant, smoking a cigarette to achieve my all-time high of cigarettes per day (this was not a good year for my lungs). I dressed in jeans and a T-shirt. I wanted to look cool but relaxed. I wore the previously mentioned black loafers to make it look like I didn't roll out of bed and throw some jeans on.

Alex wore the same thing: jeans, T-shirt, loafers...and a leather jacket. It was a hotter March day when spring was beginning to peek through and relieve the bitterness of winter. He was across the street stuck at a streetlight and I waved to him and he waved back. Then, we just stared at each other, waiting for the light to turn green.

He crossed, said hi, and hugged me. Every move was made with slight awkwardness. We hadn't been alone together since he moved out. "Have you been waiting long?" He asked.

I shook my head. "Got here early, just for a smoke. Do you want to go in now?"

"Yeah. Yeah." He bobbed his head.

I put my cigarette out and he followed me into the restaurant. "Your hair is back to normal." My natural brown. It was better for me to not play pretend when promoting a book about my own life.

"Yours isn't," I commented. It came off snarkier than I wanted it to.

He shrugged and smiled to ease the thick fat of awkwardness. "Yeah, well, you know." He didn't say it but this was the new normal for him, which was fine, but it was different from what I knew. When I dreamed about him or pictured him, it was still with a curling mop top or, you know, just the mop if I was dreaming of '09.

"Tattoo too," I added.

"Yeah."

"You're a changed man."

"Yeah."

Our heads ducked down and we stared at the menus in silence. It was a challenge of who would speak first—seriously speak, not those little comments over what looks good.

After we ordered, I said, "Sorry I'm not able to go tonight."

He waved me off. "You've already been to too many shows. Don't worry."

"Well, I like going. It feels weird not to go."

"Yeah." Somewhere in that word, I knew what he meant. It had been years since Alex had the ability to spot people in the crowd, but he told me once that there was a comfort in knowing I was somewhere in there, that even if he messed up, there would always be someone there at the end of it all. I wonder if he was still getting used to someone else being at the end of it all.

He sipped his water to cut off the look on his face. I decided to cut to the fat of it. "I, uh, have something to give you."

"Why do I feel like it's something bad?" He cracked a laugh, lifting the air in the room.

I picked up my bag. "I hope not."

I dug through my things slowly. It was held in my hands but I still had to catch my breath before I lifted it out. I saw a squint on his face as he tried to imagine what it was. I passed it across the table and his hands took it. That is when it all started to feel real; seeing his eyes land on it, his hands run down its spine with him smiling. "It's a first edition," I joked.

He raised an eyebrow, flipping it open. "Is it signed?" I laughed. I'm not sure what made me happier: him holding my book or joking around with him again. He opened the other end of the book. "Good author photo."

"I'm quite happy with it." Somewhere in that bittersweetness, I did feel content. It was never how I imagined him holding my first book. Parts of me were swallowed with sorrow that I would never experience this in the way I wanted—a desperate romantic lovemaking all-consuming kind of way—but there were small parts in me that were happy that we could still have this. I don't know if we kept dragging things out this would have been as joyous. That this would have felt like closure.

Alex looked up, meeting my eyes. A small smile played on his lips. The kind that can't be faked in any way. It was real and from the hurt. It was that pride he always had in me. The pride that kept me going for far longer than I'd ever imagined. I wrote the book, but he made the book. I never would've written anything close to it without him. I'd probably be stuck fucking Robert in London if it wasn't for him. It was my reassurance to him that he didn't have to make up for the sudden move to LA as he constantly tried to do. He wasn't in the book, but he was the book. It's why I dedicated it to him. It's why on the last page of his edition of the book I wrote: Don't make fun of me, Al. Thank you for this. I hope you know why. Love, Jane C.

I questioned the "love" part. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable but it would have been far more awkward to write something like "sincerely." I wasn't one for lying, especially about my love for Alex. It was something layered. It didn't rest in that romantic love. He wasn't just my boyfriend and he wasn't just my best friend. It's hard for a writer to find the word. It's nudged somewhere in this book. In all these little words.

"I wanted you to be the first to have it," I said. "Well, one of the first. Wanted to see the look on your face."

He looked back down at the book. Mild disbelief spread across his face as he looked back and forth between the book and me. "Thanks." He wasn't sure what else to say. He rolled everything around and looked as if he was choking on the bone of a chicken.

"It's been a little weird these past few months," I said while picking at my fingernails, an assured sign to Alex that I was referring to us. "I don't want it to feel weird. So, don't cry or anything," I joked.

He chuckled, dislodging the lump. He flipped the book over one more time before placing it on the table. "I'll try not to. I knew you could do it." He stared right at me, emphasizing every little syllable. The awkwardness faded from him and he leaned onto the table. His smile was small but bright. I could find a million different meanings in it, each meaning just as much.

"I know you did. You always did," I told him. "I had this dream last night. It was weird and blurry but we were driving around Sheffield or some weird ghost thing was driving us. It's hard to describe. I don't know. I think it was a sign or something. I'm not sure of what but just those early days of us talking. That's when I really started to write. I suppose my mind was thinking about this lunch and conjured up some old memories."

He smiled at me the whole time, eyes never leaving me, even when I glanced away. "Well, I had a dream that I was one of the animals left off of Noah's Ark, so, you tell me what that means."

I told him it had something to do with his fear of being left behind and he rolled his eyes and said I was trying to be Freud. Lunch came and we ate and laughed and agreed to split the check. He told me he would read the whole book tonight if he could. We hugged goodbye and he whispered in my ear, "I'll send you a proper review."

A few days later, Alex emailed me. It was long. Very long and detailed like he had taken a note on every page. He pulled the sentences he liked the most out, which turned out to be about half the book. I would later write back and ask what that meant for the other half of the book. He said they were left off Noah's Ark too. Continuing his initial email, Alex wrote at the bottom:

You did it. I hope you feel that too. Thank you, Al.

*

I had a book tour. A minimal one since there wasn't the highest of expectations and I didn't want to go to Omaha, Nebraska. So, there was Boston, New York, Atlanta, Chicago, Houston, and Los Angeles. I hated the whole thing. I always wanted to go to these places but I wasn't really going to these places. We lingered in Chicago at the end of July, but it was the equivalent of touring with Alex, except this time I was Alex.

I've never enjoyed talking about my work either but it was nice that people thought it was nice. But that part still felt awkward to me too. Like, people actually read this??? It eased up as it went along. It was a short tour anyway. I wasn't going to Tokyo or anything.

I thought about myself a lot. It was a little lonely but I had adapted to that. Jackson was my only company on the road and it was easy for us to get sick of one another. We had both grown bored with one another, both slightly exhausted from these months so closely intertwined. I thought about Al, often. I thought about myself, often.

Could it be possible that I did everything right? No. I never thought that but I didn't think I did everything wrong. I had cracks in the surface of me and guts that spilled out. I said everything with my pen but nothing with my lips. I hid myself under the disguise of a freshly lonesome girl who knew the only means to move on was to forget. But I didn't forget anything, only myself, just for a little. Pieces of me dropped on the side of the highway. We drove for days and I found no meaning in it, only wondering did he feel like this all the time? How did he bear this loss of self?

I asked myself questions and never got any answers. I felt everything but there was never any meaning in it. There were closed-off vessels, no means to transport blood or oxygen, yet, I was still moving. I suppose that was the only thing left to cling to. I still had the memory of it and those never made me sad. I experienced it. How fortunate was I to be cracked open and exposed to this impenetrable love? I still felt it. We were both on the end of the same wire. It was bent and twisted, knots made to keep strong but disrupt transmission. No love lost. Just changed. I know good comes from change. I didn't feel the goodness but I could taste it coming. So much else was happening. I would hate myself forever for wasting those precious few days of enjoyment in place of a relationship that didn't need nourishment anymore. It was about me. I wanted it to be about me for so long and it finally was. Don't waste it.

The mini-tour ended in LA at the start of August. Summer had whipped me in the face so hard I forgot the season even existed, until I was stuck in the sweaty, SoCal heat, dying for a drop of water. The first night—the day before the Q&A and book signing—Jackson and I got dinner and drinks with Opal.

It was nice to let loose after feeling so pinned up for most of the summer. The liquor soothed my sunburnt skin and I decided the tour as a whole wasn't too bad—I was about 3 drinks in at this point. Then, after another drink, I texted Alex telling him I was in town. The last we chatted was a week or so before when the band opened for the London Olympics. I watched it later on YouTube and told him he did a bang-up job. He told me he nearly shat himself.

Alex had returned to LA since. The city had become his permanent home since the tour had ended. He bought a house out here and everyone in the band, for the most part, had relocated too. So, in my drunken state, I told him I was there and we should hang before I went back to New York.

When I woke up, it was an embarrassing text of I'm in LA, AL. Even in my drunken state, I wrote with proper grammar. Alex wrote back, Come on over. This was in the early hours of the day so he must have been up by some similar means too.

The following night, I panicked. I wondered if this is what single people felt like all the time. Prior to this, I had never faced intimidation when hanging out with Alex, except maybe when I was 17 and that type of thing could be labelled as teenage anxiety. But, no, this was a thing that would plague me the rest of my dating life and I wasn't even going on a date with him. Alex is the only "ex" I had stayed in contact with up to that point. Most of my friends didn't do this type of thing either, at least not Opal who lived by the mentality that once people were gone they were gone forever.

Half my anxiety came from the limited wardrobe out of my suitcase but considering it was just dinner and a dinner that would be had with the other bandmates and the girlfriends, there should've been no pressure. I wouldn't have told you this at the time, I barely want to write it down now, but the nerves I felt weren’t because of Alex, they were because of Arielle. Part of me wanted to be conceived as a non-threat. I was over those days. The other part of me—the stronger part—wanted her to be jealous of me and question why Alex and I ever broke up. I wasn't fully-formed yet. 

The two sides fought and then I just settled on jeans and a tank top because it was boiling outside and I was having drinks at Al's place, not the Windsors. Luckily, I showed up after Jamie and Katie so I thought of using Katie as a shield. I didn't accept Katie and Arielle to be talking though. The word traitor crossed through my brain and then I thought I must be regressing to my college days when Rosie and Will would feel each other up in front of me. Arielle was nice and I was probably an anxious bitch.

So, I hugged both of them as Alex came into the living room. He was staggering, dressed casually beside his uniform slicked hair. "Hey there," he greeted. He was calm, not an awkward bone in his body. He knew he had the upper hand. We were on his home turf with his hot girlfriend and I was a single mess who had been on plane after plane and stunk of cigarettes.

The room was hot with sweat dripping off every surface it seemed. The air conditioner was running but the flaming air came rushing in with the swing of the front door as Matt and Breana entered. The room became distracted by them, both looking darling. I hugged each of them, distracting myself in their grasp.

Arielle had lit candles for the dining table. It was the only thing formal about the informal event. The house itself was rather bare. Alex never carried much, I was always the one with the shit. 

Alex tapped my arm. "You want a drink?"

"What do you have?" I asked.

He waved his arm and I followed him to the kitchen, isolating ourselves. "Beer, wine, tequila, vodka, all the fixings. I can make you something if you'd like. Margarita?"

"Anything non-alcoholic?" Alcohol would ease my nerves but it would lead to my loud mouth and I couldn't afford that tonight.

He looked bewildered. "Who are you?" He joked.

We kept our distance. I pushed my hair behind my shoulder. "Got real drunk with Opal and Jackson last night. Figured I'd keep it clean. At least for now."

"Right then. Iced tea?"

He knew me well. I laughed at his smile and agreed to this. I moved closer to the refrigerator to just feel the cold air on my skin. He poured the glass, leaving the door open for me. I chugged the coldness like it was the elixir of life. It felt like my lungs re-inflated when the liquid dispersed and his eyes looked at mine again, so clearly over that fogged-up glass. Wet brown eyes into my baby blues and it felt like he might reach out and snatch them out of my eyes and keep them for himself. He always liked them. He has a thing for blue eyes.

We talked around the dining table, eating a mix of something Arielle had cooked and pizza. I had the pizza. Everyone talked loosely about things I had no knowledge of. Jokes about LA and all these people I had no concept of. I suppose if they had come to New York it would have been similar, except they all shared this with one another.

The sweet Breana turned the attention onto me, which partially made me shrink and revel in the joy of being included. "Oh, Jane, I loved the book!" Everyone chanted in similar sentiments all at once.

I laughed and took a bite of my pizza crust. "You didn't all read it," I laughed.

"I read parts of it," Jamie said. They were all sweet but I'm unsure how often any of them even had the chance to pick up a book, let alone their best friend's ex-girlfriend. Because that's what I was now. That was my title.

Alex looked at me. I could hear my mother's words ringing through his lips so I smiled and said, "Thank you."

"Disappointed I wasn't in it more," Matt said. "You know if it wasn't for me the book would've never been made." The long story of it has made that true but I can't give Matt credit for everything, it might go to his head too much.

"How's that?" Arielle asked. Everything shifted after that. We could all tell that she had been the wrong one to ask that question. Whether she was clueless and curious or was trying to make a dig at Alex, I wasn't sure, but I felt like an imposition being there. I didn't feel like an out-of-town friend. I felt like an ex-girlfriend.

Nobody spoke so I spoke. "Matt introduced me and Alex." I sipped my drink to wash down any other awkwardness.

Everyone seemed awkward other than Arielle. She quickly nodded and said, "Oh, yeah, Al told me that." I wondered why everyone else was so stiff when Arielle didn't seem to have much of a problem with it. Why should she when she looked like that?

I felt frumpy and had to pee badly from all the iced tea I had drank but I was too scared to go to the bathroom and see her things mixed with Alex's things. I could leave there with ambiguity and the belief that Alex didn't move on so quickly and I was stuck being alone.

"That was our first gig," Matt said. He seemed to relax, always the person to slice through any amount of tension. "Almost 10 years ago now."

"What was it like?" Arielle asked.

"Awful," Alex said. His eyes pointed toward me. "Right?"

"I don't know. I never reviewed it, remember?" He laughed and it felt inappropriate to display this inside language in front of everyone. "It feels weird that I'm the only one here who watched it." Even if that had been the case for many years, it had been a while since we all gathered around in a circle and talked about those days.

"I wasn't even there," Nick remarked. The room buckled with chuckles.

I laid my forehead against the palm of my hand resting against the table. "God," I said, "I spent that whole show with Will’s hand on my ass and Joanie screaming in my ear."

"Oh, god, Joanie," Matt muttered.

"Oh, god, Will," Jamie cracked.

"She got married last month," I told them. She had invited me but I was in the middle of the tour. We talked about once a year and everything was always nice. The only time I would've had the chance of running into her was when Alex and I visited Sheffield and that obviously wasn't happening anymore.

"Bless that man's heart," Matt quipped.

I shook my head. "No, she seems to have settled down in the last few years. I guess we all did. Seems so long ago."

"It was," Alex said. "We're getting old, Janie." His silence punctured the air. My lungs felt like they were deflating. He poured himself another glass.

Things grew looser and looser. They rattled off stories of LA, I rattled off stories from the road. Arielle excused herself to bed, citing an early morning. Her bed was upstairs.

Each couple left one by one until Alex and I awkwardly remained. I figured then I should leave. He walked me to the door with a freshly poured glass in his hand. "Hope I didn't keep you up too late," I said because I wasn't sure what else to say. It reminded me of what my parents said to each other after a fight. It was the one thing they clung to in order to keep their marriage somehow working.

He shook his head and sipped. "No, no. It's fine. You're always good company."

I shrugged. The whole thing kind of felt awkward, at least with him. I could laugh with Matt and throw my arm around Katie, even hug Arielle good night, but whenever my eyes landed on Alex, I tensed up so tightly I knew I'd be sore the next day. "If you're ever in New York or whatever."

He nodded and smiled. He would be visiting his old apartment. I wondered how that would make him feel. Was it the same when I walked into his house and noticed different shoes by the door than mine? Would the emptiness of his presence leave him uneasy? "I'd like that," Alex said.

"Thanks for having me." We reached the door and the end of the night but we stayed awkwardly staring at each other.

"Course. Text me when you're back at the hotel and safe and all that." He was drunk, rambling with an incapability of holding his tongue.

I smiled. "I will."

I didn't know whether to hug him or not. He leaned forward and kissed me. It wasn't affectionate. It was a peck. The kind my mother used to give me when left for school in the morning. Of course, she was my mother and I was 7 and Alex was drunk and I was, well, awkward. 

I said, "Night," and turned away. We never talked about it because there was nothing to talk about. It very well could have been a kiss on the cheek just like I gave Katie and Breana before they left. Of course, that was Katie and Breana and this was Alex—no longer mine.

*

Rain pattered against the window. Jackson and I returned to New York a week prior and we were now sitting in my apartment, drinking, and about to call Opal to join us. I felt dizzy and Jackson looked sleepy. It had been a long month.

"So," he said, "what's next?"

I finished off my glass. "What do you mean?" The year felt empty as the cold was beginning to creep into my summer warmth. 2012 was a bumpy year where so much yet so little happened. I was growing sick of my apartment because no matter how rid it was of Alex, he still had a whole life with me here. When I returned to it after the book tour, I was ready to move on.

Jackson placed his arm on the back of the couch. The tips of his fingers softly poked at my shoulder. "Now it's time to think about the next book."

I tossed my head back with a groan. "Gimme a break."

He chuckled and placed his empty glass on the end table. "No rush. For now."

I sat up straight, finishing off my glass, and growing more and more serious every day. "Thanks for doing this for me, Jackson."

He nodded. "My pleasure."

"I feel kind of empty," I confessed.

His brows furrowed. "What do you mean?"

I didn't feel like explaining it. I was growing tired of doing that with people. My stomach ached and I pushed Alex out of my mind. I felt that I had sacrificed our relationship for this success, even if it wasn't true. I thought I would have been over it by that time of year. It had been over a year. But it still felt so unnatural for him to feel so far removed from my life. Every word we spoke felt tinged with sadness and I didn't want it to feel that way. I wanted to move on.

I kissed Jackson. He kissed back. We never called Opal.

*

Jackson and I started dating in a casual way. We were exclusive to one another and treated each other as a boyfriend and girlfriend would but I suppose my association with dating was always a far deeper connection. I wasn't alone in this. Jackson had long-term girlfriends prior to me. He was older than me, not by some outrageous amount. He was born in 1979, seven years older, but I was 26 and 33 didn't feel so far off.

Opal loved it. She felt like the ultimate matchmaker and wanted to be both the maid of honor and the best man. My New York crew loved him. Fennel and Kaka found him to be rich in conversation. He liked going out more than Alex but then again most people liked going out more than Alex. Except more and more it seemed Alex enjoyed the going out part. (I was taken but I was still a snooping ex-girlfriend).

I didn't tell Alex. It felt awkward to call him up and tell him I got a new boyfriend. I decided to tell him when I saw him again, which didn't come up. He was in Los Angeles. I was in New York. We didn't talk very often either. I think I called him once in October because I couldn't remember the name of a restaurant we went to (he didn't remember either). 

Other than that, there wasn't much reason to talk. We had completely separate lives. But I was aware of what he was up to. I wasn't cyber-stalking him much anymore (only on nights when I was wildly intoxicated). I talked to Katie occasionally and texted Breana from time to time. Things about Alex would slip through the cracks and get to me but the majority of it was just that they were recording their new album.

We had both moved on. Or we were both pretending we did. At least I was pretending, in some form. I thought about him all the time. I didn't feel like a day went by when I didn't think about him. It wasn't in some romantic longing way. I had shared a life with him from such a young age and to be forced apart from it felt unnatural. There were so many jokes and stories that went untold because no one would get it but him.

When I went back home for the holidays, I confided this to my mother. I don't know why, maybe because of what she had told me so many years ago in Florida. I don't know if my mother ever actually liked Alex so I figured if she said awful things about him it would make me feel better. Of course, she didn't.

"It goes away," she said. "One day, you wake up and you're numb to it. You just get numb to it in the end, Jane. All those people you hated and loved turn to nothing. Even the ones you still want to love. You'll be thankful for it when the day comes that you don't feel anything anymore."

I frowned and my mother left me on the couch to fetch another bottle of wine. In retrospect, my mother was suffering from mental illness, but I was oblivious to that because I had grown oblivious to most of my mother's behavior. I just didn't want to engage with it anymore. Maybe part of me was numb toward her.

I didn't want to feel nothing. I couldn't imagine not feeling anything for Alex, even if we remained friends for the rest of our lives. I had tethered so much sentimentality toward him, he might as well have been a knick-knack on my shelf. Letting go of him would be letting go of an entire part of myself. I was content if that part only came out once a year when I saw him but I couldn't let go of it forever.

*

Joanie was having a baby. She likely got pregnant on her honeymoon. Someone my age having a child felt unnatural. I pictured Joanie being a teen mum, not a 26-year-old pregnant woman. She invited me to the baby shower taking place right after Christmas. It was ideal timing since all her closest friends would be in town or, like me, the country.

I debated going but decided that since I missed the wedding the least I could do was go to the baby shower. So, I drove the Beetle up to Wakefield. I figured it would be a mini-reunion. The only one I had seen as of late was Claire, who lived in Bristol now, and I hadn't seen since last winter.

We drove up together and listened to Radio 2 on full blast the whole way. I don't think I had ever felt more like a teenager even when I was a teenager. Claire continued her streak of always being a comfort for me. While other friends might be wedding and birthing, Claire had just ended her two-year-long relationship and gagged in her mouth at the thought of being a mother one day. 

It made me miss England so desperately. I forgot how much I ached to drive, which I hadn't done in years. The closest I had gotten to a car was the one taxi ride home drunk at 4 AM. And to drive on the left side of the road! I hadn't heard someone speak in a British accent since the dinner at Alex's. It eased my ears and made me wonder why I ever left, which just led to me thinking about Alex again.

Claire said, "I hate Alex, which sucks 'cause I like Alex." In a way, it summed up how conflicted I felt. Hate is a strong word but I was resentful for how everything went down. Then again, I probably didn't have much of a right.

Joanie's house was straight out of a picture book. I didn't know houses like that even existed in Wakefield. It wasn't fancy but at the sight of it, you'd call it a home. She had a little garden in the front that she said her husband grew herbs in that she used for cooking. It made Claire and I roll our eyes but we both desperately wanted that kind of companionship. If I ever would learn how to cook or grow plants, maybe that could be my life. I refused to do either, but it was a nice thought.

I bought Joanie—or Joanie's baby—these cozy fleece booties because that's what New York Magazine said to get. I never bought anything for a baby before (I got away with it two years ago during Harper's unmentioned pregnancy of my first nephew, Benjamin, by having my mother buy a gift for me) so I had no clue what to get. I bought Joanie this nice set of body washes that were her favourite when we were 17 with the hope that they either still were or she would feel nostalgic over them.

Claire and I ate a slice of cake and watched Joanie open her presents. Halfway through we turned to each other and decided we were going to go out drinking after. I love Joanie but oohing and awing over baby gifts with a bunch of women I barely knew got old quickly, especially incredibly sober and in the middle of the winter blues. The cake was good though.

The shower ended around 4 and while I was down to get hammered that early, Claire wanted to go out to lunch first. We ended up meeting up with AB at a pub. I hadn't seen AB since 2006 and I nearly cried at the sight of him all grown up. Claire and AB had broken up long ago but stayed in touch as good friends and if they could do it—two incredibly mature people—maybe Alex and I could too. 

AB's girlfriend of two years (and future wife), Shay, joined us as well. It almost made me barf how gorgeous they were together and I was shocked Claire wasn't fuming more over how beautiful Shay was. I was almost fuming over how beautiful Shay was!

AB sipped on a beer, which I don't think I had ever witnessed. He shared it was Shay and I swallowed down my drink at the painful thought that Alex and I once did things like that. I was such a sad sack. I thought about calling Jackson. Thank god I didn't.

We left the pub, hugging AB and Shay goodbye next to the Beetle. Claire and I were going to go back to the hotel to change out of our baby shower clothes and "hit the town.”

We waved goodbye to the couple and that's when I saw Alex with his mum. I turned my back to him and grabbed Claire's arm. "I think I'm gonna vomit."

She looked at me completely puzzled. "What? Why?"

I was so freaked out by the sight of him. I think the unexpected nature of it threw me off-balanced. I had never been that unnerved by the sight of him. My head felt like my brain was about to burst out of my ears. "Get in the car," I harshly muttered to her.

She was still unaware but she raced around the side of the car to get into the passenger seat. We bolted out of there before he crossed the street.

*

It was midnight when I called him. I was definitely drunk, but not wasted, standing outside a club smoking while Claire chatted up with some guy inside. I was freezing and felt so childish for doing it, even in the moment, but I wanted to see him. It shouldn't feel right that I was here and he wasn't.

"Hello." His voice was clear so he hadn't been sleeping. I wonder if he was in bed (with Arielle).

I swallowed whatever dignity I had left and let the rest loose. "Hey. I'm in Wakefield for Joanie's baby shower 'cause apparently we're old enough to have children now and now I'm out with Claire at a club. We drove up together from Bath, well, Bristol for her, Bath for me, but you know that. Jesus. I saw you earlier today and raced into my car because I was so scared by the sight of you, which made me realize I'm not as mature as I thought I was. And it was just after we went to lunch with AB and Shay and Claire and AB still get along like they didn't have this romantic relationship and I know that we get along too but I raced to my car and nearly shit myself. Now, I'm outside a club smoking in the middle of winter because I apparently regress back to teenage tendencies when I'm in Yorkshire or maybe just England in general. Anyway, I'm drunk and I'm thinking this was stupid and it probably is but I know you're probably laughing at me right now but I'm freezing my ass off and I can't figure out how to get back inside the club and Claire isn't answering her phone, which means she's probably shagging someone or something and I wouldn't want to interrupt that, you know, and I probably should just get a cab back to the hotel but I called you for some reason. Well, not for some reason because I'm drunk. Okay, now you talk."

I was out of breath and sure I had just lost my mind. I need another shot of tequila. I felt I was growing too sober to face the repercussions of this. I took a drag of my cigarette and listened to his breathing on the other end of the line.

I could hear his smile. I still had a knack for that kind of thing. "I saw you too, you know."

I slapped my forehead and thought about slamming my head into the brick wall until it broke my skull and my brain gushed out. "Did it look like we were being held at gunpoint?"

He chuckled lowly. "A little. But I must've looked like someone pointed a gun at me. I'd recognize that car anywhere, Janie."

I didn't know what to say. My car was such a sensitive topic for both of us. It was the cornerstone (ha) of our relationship, especially for the car to be returned to its rightful county. I thought I'd feel weird driving it but everything felt right like it was a complete homecoming. Like nature had found its way and every piece fell perfectly into the puzzle.

"I thought I would be grown up by now," I confessed.

He suppressed a laugh. "I like you this way. Makes me feel less alone."

"How so?"

He waited, not wanting to fully let the truth go but it was me he was talking to. There wasn't much point in lying. "I've called you in various states of intoxication too."

"Not after running to your car," I pointed out.

"Yeah, well, I'm sure I'll do it one of these days." It was a silence but a vibration rang across the line to one another. Call it a vibe or a wavelength or just a feeling, but I could feel him like he was standing right next to me. "Where are you?"

It was so embarrassing I laughed. "Che & Coco." It was Barnsley College's resident bar and nightclub. The average age of the crowd was barely 20 and I felt like such a loser trying to claim that nostalgia is what made me want to club there.

"Geez, you really are down bad." His laughter rang through the phone and I nearly hung up due to how beet red my face was. He laughed and laughed. I could picture him with his hands on his knees, walking home from Will's house, unable to breathe he was laughing so hard. Then, I couldn't breathe. "You want me to pick you up?"

I'd like that a lot but I couldn't take it. That was a bridge too far. "No, no. I'll just call a taxi or something. Maybe even walk. My hotel isn't that far."

"You're gonna walk in Barnsley at midnight? Hope you don't get hit with a beer bottle," he joked. That had happened to Will back in the day. I'm convinced it made him even dumber if that's possible.

"I've walked later than this in New York," I reasoned.

"Janie," he stopped me, "I'd like to see you if you won't run away from me."

I sighed. "I'll see you in 20. I'll be waiting on Peel." Because maybe I would like to see him too.

He pulled up in his mum's car. It wasn't her car from way back in the day but it made him feel sophomoric to me. His hair wasn't gelled up, instead falling around in tendrils of combed-back magic. He had a hoodie on and a smile on his face. He honked the horn of the car and I dashed across the street to his car.

The car was warm, at least warmer than outside where I had been suffering. I tugged my coat closer and put my seatbelt on. "Hi."

Alex smiled over at me. "Hi." He pulled back onto the road and I couldn't remember the last time he had driven me. "How've you been?"

I shrugged in his peripheral vision. "Fine. Christmas was fine. My dad bought me Slouching Toward Bethlehem."

Alex laughed. "About 10 years too late."

"Yeah, but at least he's trying. I can't remember the last time he bought me a gift." My mother handled all the presents, something she was rather good at, even if it always felt like she didn't know me.

We stopped at a red light. "I didn't get anything for you," he said while looking over at me.

"Well, I didn't get you anything either." First time in eight years. It didn't even cross my mind. "This is enough of a present anyway."

He nodded in agreement. "Good." I believed him. The nod of his head told me that this meant as much to me as it did to me. Drunk actions are sober thoughts and sometimes I just wanted to hear his voice.

We kept driving. I had yet to tell him any directions. He was headed the right way but I wouldn't have had the willpower to tell him anyway. I liked driving around with him. I liked just this. The vibration of the road beneath us and the scent of him washing over me. The slowness of Yorkshire and the heat of him beside me. It made everything feel right.

"Arielle come with you?"

He rubbed his eye. He looked tired. "Nah. She went to her parents’." I nodded and he waited, looking over at me. I stared at him blankly. He looked back at the road and kept the car moving. "What about, uh, Jackson?"

My head snapped toward him. "He's at his parents’." I picked at my nails. I didn't want to talk about this. Why did it feel like I was cheating on him? It felt like Alex had died and I was some widower trying to move on but his ghost was coming back to shame me.

"Katie mentioned something," he muttered.

"Yeah," I explained, "just a few months."

He nodded slowly. "He's a nice guy." I laughed out loud. He laughed too, for some reason. "What?"

I shook my head. "We don't have to talk about my boyfriend."

"Okay. We don't have to talk about Arielle." It was probably some form of cheating, emotionally. We gazed at one another and never acted on anything, but the aftertaste of it didn't feel right. But in the moment, everything had fallen perfectly into place.

We went nowhere and neither of us said a single thing about it. The drive from the club to my hotel was ten minutes. We drove around for an hour.

"Joanie's house is beautiful. It's like my dream house. It isn't big but it's not a cottage or anything. But it's quaint. She's got plants and I never thought Joanie could take care of a living thing and now she's gonna have a baby," I told him. I fiddled with the radio, even though we weren't gonna listen to it.

"Are you sure they aren't fake?" He joked. I chuckled and hit his shoulder. "Eh! Watch it. I'm driving here, missy."

I held my hands up as a defense. I eased them back down with a giggle and tugged on my seatbelt strap. "You know, I thought I'd have a baby by now."

He snorted. "No, you did not."

"At one point I did. I mean, back before you. Like when I was still playing with dolls." 

He laughed again and everything made sense. "Good thing you don't. You can't even keep a plant alive."

"They're not self-sufficient enough."

"And you think a baby will be easier?"

"Not anymore but at six I did! It was right around when Stacey was born. I took good care of her."

Alex felt warm with a smile. "You did." He was an only child but at times I felt he might consider her a sister too. She considered him a brother. He had been around since she was 11. She was only a little over a year away from graduating university. 

"Granted I didn't have to breastfeed her."

It was still dark outside but it felt like the sun was rising in that car. "You wouldn't be happy living Joanie's life."

"How do you know?" I questioned. "Maybe if I was settled I'd feel better."

Alex's jaw gaped. He breathed a laugh and I looked over at him curiously. "Jane, you'd be losing your mind. The whole time I knew you here, you were begging to get out of here."

"Maybe I had it all wrong."

He shook his head, never looking over at me, just driving. "You're a completely different person because you got out of here. You're gonna get all that stuff one day. The kid, the garden, whatever the fuck you want, but you'd never have what you have no if you stayed put. You always knew what you wanted. Your gut is always right. I've learned that."

I sighed and accepted he was right. "Grass is always greener, I guess."

"Yeah," he agreed. "But I think you have the greenest grass. You're the one who's a bestseller."

I rolled my eyes and leaned on the center console. "She's the one with the husband and baby."

He scoffed, "So is half the world. You have a tough time being proud of your accomplishments."

I gasped. "Look who's talking. My god!"

Alex chuckled and it felt like food for my soul. Fertilizer to my soil to keep growing. "Fair enough. But be cocky every once and a while, Janie. You deserve it."

I took what he said to heart but ignored him. I wanted to talk about something else. I wanted to put my feet in his lap and ride to Charlton Brook. Instead, I leaned back and looked at him. "We used to talk about the future so much and now it's come and gone."

"You're not dead yet." But we were. I think that's what I really meant. All those things I had planned with him and I had to be content with letting them go. Watching those promises slip through my fingers. I had no right to feel that way but it's all I felt.

I wanted to tell him I loved him with the windows rolled down and the cold air rushing in because he used to let me do that. I believe that right had been revoked. "I missed it here." The truth was hidden in those words, in between the lines, deep in those letters, stuffed in between them.

He hummed, glancing over. "Me too. Everything feels a little simpler."

I heard the radio speaking, ringing some familiar tune that I couldn't think of the name. Maybe if it had been a little simpler and Alex and I stayed there forever, in the car ride between Wakefield and High Green, we'd have a house, a garden, a ring, a little thing on the way. 

But I would've missed out on a lot more. I would have missed out on a lot of Alex. How he was with his hair long in the middle of Joshua Tree, looking over at me instead of the night sky. How he made up our bed in our London studio apartment into a couch because we didn't have enough space for one. How he felt sitting next to me on the C train at 2 AM. How he felt in the dead of winter in Yorkshire, somehow ending up at my hotel with a hoodie I used to wear and a smile he still wears just for me.

I'll never know otherwise. And that's fine.

*

a/n: this was a struggle but i think it landed right in the end. much, much more to come.

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼

Oh Shannon my love 🥹🥹🥹 she needs to cuddle w her bfs and Chris and Baby Jane. And maybe have a girls night with Maddie💗💗💗💗

I wish it would go that smoothly! (could I make that happen? yes. will I? no!)

96 for 🔼:

---

“You?” He mock gasps. “You have been causing trouble?”

“She’s too young for this kind of humor,” Eddie shakes his head, lips quirking into a smile. “She’s too young for silly faces, even.”

Buck shrugs. “Giving her a head start on eventually being funny.”

“Oh, does she need that?” Eddie asks. “Maybe I should send her to Chim…”

“Hey!” Buck complains. 

But he’s not actually upset. He’s accomplished his goal. To break Eddie out of this spiral. So while Eddie chuckles, Buck circles back to a solution. 

“You take it easy tonight,” Buck says. “Go to bed early. Drink all my beer if you want. I’ll take care of the baby. We’ll have a lowkey night. You can sleep.”

Eddie takes a deep breath. Buck can see the want in his eyes. 

“Are you sure?”

“Totally,” Buck says. “Least I can do.” 

“It’s really not,” Eddie replies. “It’s… I’d really appreciate it.”

Buck takes a step forward to give him a quick kiss. “Anytime, okay? I mean it.”

When Eddie finally sits down, sighing out a good amount of his stress, Buck feels hopeful. He thinks everything is going to be just fine. 

iii.

When Shannon wakes up after a night alone, she feels strange. Not bad strange, but strange. She’s well rested. Slept like a corpse. It’s not enough to catch up on all she’s missed in the past two weeks, but it’s something. She feels like she can make it through the day. 

She misses her kids. Being away from Jane is hard on her emotionally and physically. She wants her home. Texts Eddie as much. Apologizing for her behavior and asking him to bring Jane home. She misses Chris, too. It’s not the same primal ache, but she’s grown accustomed to spending every night in the same house as him, and likes waking up knowing he’s near. He’ll be home later today. 

Eddie responds quickly, saying they’ll be home soon. Shannon showers and dresses and thinks about why she was so upset. Having them all here hurts. Not having them there hurts worse. So she needs to figure out how to process this. How to get over it. The past wounds that feel like they’re ripping open. 

She needs to book a therapy appointment. She hasn’t had one since Jane was born. Who can blame her? She hasn’t had a free moment to herself. Maybe… Maybe asking for one yesterday doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Maybe she needs it, every once in a while. She doesn’t feel as tight with pressure this morning. 

Shannon is brushing through her wet, tangled hair, thinking about small acts of self care she might be able to take to survive this, when the doorbell rings. Strange. They’re not expecting anyone. Maybe Eddie is carrying too much to unlock the door? Though, that’s a her thing, usually. He’s a bit more sensible, in this one way. 

Confused, Shannon puts down her hair brush and hurries down the hall towards the door. She looks through the peephole before she opens, and the sight that greets her is one of the most horrifying sights she could have ever conjured. Ramon and Helena Diaz.

If Shannon could actually puke her heart out of her throat, she would. 

These are the last people on earth she wants to see right now. Or in general. But especially right now. 

She panics. She doesn’t know what to do. Can she pretend no one is home? Do they have a spare key? No. No, Eddie wouldn’t do that. He doesn’t want them around like that. Like this. At the drop of a hat. 

“Hello?” Helena calls.

Fuck. She can tell someone is here. 

Shannon takes a deep breath and opens the door. All she can think about is what of the kids’ things she didn’t put away before bed yesterday. 

“Shannon,” Helena says when she sees her. Her tone is mostly neutral. Less frosty than Shannon might have expected. 

“Mr. and Mrs. Diaz,” Shannon says. “I didn’t know you were coming to town.”

[jamethinks]

Ch 108 spoilers + discussion of DV

I said it before that I think it would be funnier of Donovan went to therapy, but I still think Melinda going might have the same impact on Twilight.

It would pose a very personal challenge to Twilight beyond his fake family. It's a case of domestic abuse something he actually experienced growing. It was confirmed that he was at least 10 when his parents died which means he was far more aware and in tune with what was going on his family.

I think he would be put in a weird position

a) use the information he gets from Melinda to take Donovan down but also put a clear victim in the middle of it and possibly make the whole situation a lot worse

b) stay quiet and prolong the mission until she is able to get safe assume she even thinks she's in danger in the first place

This gets tricky when you consider how people perceive abuse vs. how it actually is. It's easy to think all Twilight has to do it tell Melinda "Hey let's work together to take down Donovan" and i wouldn't be surprised in that is what will happen but realistically it would be a lot harder than that.

Abuser don't just hurt their victims. They convince them that they deserve whatever pain comes their way. They are at fault for everything bad that happens to them. In other words, they wouldn't want to just leave or even hurt their partner because they don't think of them as doing something wrong.

Melinda isn't afraid of Donovan because he's a terrible person. She is afraid of him because she's a terrible person who does terrible things that make him hurt her. He wouldn't harm her if she wasn't such a problematic woman.

There's also the issue of who Melinda is. She's a victim of abuse but she's still the wife of a fascist. Associating with her, endangering WISE to help or save her could easily backfire (probably won't but let me have my angst) against them. It would also make it harder for her to trust him. Would take long for Donovan's programming to cut back in and Melinda to run right back to him because everything he said was right.

Idk my thoughts are very inherent right now I am delirious for different reasons.

Tldr: can't wait for the next arc.

[queervegancryptid]

What's funny to me about this is that I have Medicare and Florida Medicaid, and let me tell you: compared to other countries with socialized medicine, we are getting absolutely shafted. It's been going on for a long time, at least since George W. Bush was in office. That's when Medicare Advantage plans started becoming a thing, and in Florida and at least some other states, there is no public option for Medicaid. You HAVE to pick a private "managed care" plan. (UHC, Humana, Florida Blue, Molina, and Sunshine Health are the companies that come to mind. I think there's one or two more in the mix for Florida Medicaid. YMMV.)

My Medicare and Medicaid benefits are administered in one dual special needs plan (D-SNP), which is the best option for me in a lot of ways... except here's the thing: I get those benefits because I'm disabled. Legally, my disability benefits were approved on the basis of PTSD, eating disorders, and severe anxiety.

It is impossible to find an eating disorder recovery program, online or in-person, that accepts Medicare. So I have a disability, and I wouldn't even have insurance at all if I didn't go through the process of sitting in front of an ALJ after nearly three years of waiting time, for her and the hired assessor and fuck knows who else to determine that my eating disorder is a major factor in why I can't work.

So you might say I only have this insurance because of my eating disorder.

So you might even go so far as to say the reason I have this insurance (any insurance, really) is CATEGORICALLY excluded from the benefits offered by this or ANY OTHER plan available to me that includes Medicare. Almost no Florida Medicaid plans are accepted by any eating disorder specific program or facility, and the way it works is that Medicare is billed first, and it seems like no one really knows what that means for people like me.

I currently have a D-SNP, but I could switch to having separate plans for each of Medicare and Florida Medicaid. It might be worth doing, but I can only switch plans once a quarter, and it seems like switching is the only way to find out. But if it doesn't work, and it might not, I could be without benefits I desperately need for months before I even get an answer. I've heard of the whole being more than the sum of its parts, but somehow, Medicare + Medicaid in one plan may do less than two separate plans.

Oh, and my plan? I won't name it, but it's UHC. Private insurance companies run Medicare Advantage plans and D-SNP plans like mine. I have this plan mostly because it covers my prescriptions. (Well, for now, anyway. Fully expecting to lose coverage for HRT within the next year or two.)

The psych facilities in-network to me are okay... if you don't actually have to do anything above outpatient therapy. I would be goddamn terrified to be sent to one of them for inpatient care. Just based on the Google reviews alone.

But who cares about mentally ill poor people. If I had a drug or alcohol problem, I'd have no problem finding a rehab in-network for that, but I'd still never check into one on an inpatient basis. The only ones of those in-network to my plan have the same problem as the general psych facilities near me. I would survive, but I'd probably come out worse, not better.

Original Medicare (Parts A and B) is more predictable in some ways, but it doesn't cover all of what the Medicare Advantage plans (Part C) cover (no prescription drug coverage at all without enrolling in either Part C for all your Medicare or at least a Part D plan, which deals with prescription drugs). Also, you still have to pay a monthly premium unless you're dirt poor and qualify for Medicaid and "Extra Help." So calling it socialized medicine the way Canada does it or the way the NHS does things in the UK or whatever, for example, is seriously stretching the limits of that idea.

Anyway tl;dr I've been dealing with this for a while and have a lot more to say about it, but the point is, if you think Medicare and Medicaid are examples of "socialized medicine" the way other countries use the term, you have been misled and will end up extremely confused and frustrated if your situation actually demands complex care of any kind. And for certain specific conditions, apparently, you're just fucked. You end up nearly dying of anorexia three or four times because there's literally no help for you that won't cost tens of thousands of dollars out of pocket.

Sorry for the rant. I'm incredibly frustrated about these things and just venting a little, I guess. But I also feel like this kind of shit should be common knowledge, because I'm definitely not the only person dealing with it, except somehow no one ever seems to talk about it.

I can hardly wait to try to get an autism assessment covered.

saw someone say the only people who don't approve of Luigi are old enough that they basically DO have socialized health care (medicare or whatever) and as such literally don't understand what everyone else is going through. made me think.

it definitely matches up with the idea that people's political and cultural positions are largely a superset of their material interests

[ruvviks]

PLEASE DO NOT TAG AS YOUR OWN OC OR PAIRING.

Nathan and Ruben share a bond more powerful than most; mutual understanding through past experiences no one should ever have to go through, and through past actions so horrible they cannot be spoken of. Their grief and the blood on their hands binds them to the STEM technology they created, which has alienated them from the rest of the world— but they give each other the comfort they have both longed for so desperately for years, and that is all they need. They are each other's counterpart; you cannot imagine one without the other, like two sides of the same coin. Through their pain, their grief, their desire, and their regret, they have become one.

anna akhmatova, the guest // bones; equinox // 'i won't become' by kim jakobsson // agustín gómez-arcos, the carnivorous lamb // by oxy // achilles come down; gang of youths // czeslaw milosz, from 'new and collected poems: 1931-2001' // 'extended ambience portrait from a resonant biostructure' and 'migraine tenfold times ten' by daniel vega // a little death; the neighbourhood // marina tsvetaeva, from 'poem of the end' // by drummnist // katie maria, winter // 'nocturne in black and gold the falling rocket' by james abbott mcneill whistler // micah nemerever, these violent delights // body language; we are fury // 'the penitent' by emil melmoth // chelsea dingman, from 'of those who can't afford to be gentle'

taglist (opt in/out)

@shellibisshe, @florbelles, @ncytiri, @hibernationsuit, @stars-of-the-heart;

@lestatlioncunt, @katsigian, @radioactiveshitstorm, @estevnys, @adelaidedrubman;

@celticwoman, @rindemption, @carlosoliveiraa, @noirapocalypto, @dickytwister;

@killerspinal, @euryalex, @ri-a-rose, @velocitic, @thedeadthree

[fisheito]

My favourite fantasy lately is Kuya kidnapping Eiden and bringing him to a house in the woods to punish him for endangering himself during some adventure. Kuya keeps Eiden in bondage and constantly on edge, teasing and denying him. And Eiden just takes it without asking to be let out, allowing Kuya to vent his fear and frustration, because he's nice like that.

But, at some point, even the strongest little soldiers break, and just when Eiden is about to shatter from all the stress and Kuya's oppressive anxiety, Quincy comes for the rescue. He's the only one who managed to find that little wooden shack in the middle of nowhere (you know, because Kuya's allowed him to), and he comes in and persuades Kuya to relent.

Kuya hasn't even given Eiden any dick in all the (three? four?) days they've been at it, so serious he was about the discipline aspect!

Eiden cries when Kuya finally fucks him, and Quincy makes him spill

this just reminds me of Billowing Wildfire Kuya R2 where eiden saID sO HImself

i would not be surprised if kuya went full speed into an evil edging hostage situation because he doesn't know how to process eiden's mortality

[idontmindifuforgetme]

I’m finally biting the bullet and contacting a therapist today after being ambivalent ab it for so long… this hellsite has its many disadvantages but one thing I can say is it has truly helped me be less scared of pursuing therapy. Silver lining etc etc

[quietwingsinthesky]

of ten’s companions, if the doctor couldn’t handle losing them and crossed his own timeline to trick them into traveling with future!him instead of past!him so that he’d have a little more time with them:

rose would do it. first because bless her but she has the situational awareness of a rock, and legitimately would not realize this isn’t her doctor until his facade starts to break down and he starts bleeding grief-laced love for her at every turn. but once she does realize it, she’s both deeply sympathetic and a little scared that she could make him into this. it’s a lot to be confronted with having that much power over someone, to break them so thoroughly. rose would try to get back to her doctor, but while she’s with the future version, she tries to do what she can to ease his pain. (she also tries to figure out a way to subvert her fate. she fails.)

i think martha would be harder to trick. she can smell desperation on the doctor like a bloodhound. she is so tapped into the fact that this man wants to off himself so bad and that she’s 90% of his self-restraint, so present her with a doctor who is lacking that and she’s onto him immediately. however, assuming he gets her to come with him, explains why he’s doing this, there’s like. a minute where she’s kind of. not flattered exactly, but surprised, giddy with the realization that he’d come back for a little more time with her, especially if this is early season 3 martha. which would all come crashing down around the time that he reveals that he wasn’t pushed to this by losing her to some tragedy or her death or anything- but that she chose to leave. that is the point at which martha goes ‘oh i need to get the fuck off of this tardis right now’ and ghosts the past!doctor that she was also traveling with because holy shit, man.

donna, like rose, is easily bamboozled into following the wrong doctor home, provided that he shuffles her along into his tardis too fast for her to argue. but she catches on far quicker than rose does. like, three minutes tops of watching the doctor move through the tardis in a way that’s definitely not enthusiastic piloting and looks more like guilty panic. and then she yells at him for lying to her. and she yells at him for kidnapping her. and then she stops yelling because he’s gone sort of still and quiet and his eyes are just broken. and he doesn’t explain himself, he confesses. donna is going to try to stay with him after this btw. because how do you go back to looking your best friend in the eyes when you know he’d take everything you’ve become away from you, even to save your life? and this is still the doctor, he still did that to her, but he regrets it. regrets it so much that he can’t live with it, he’s breaking time and space just to hear her say his name again. and donna doesn’t want to lose him anymore than he wanted to lose her.

[ithacanradio]

the most gorgeous man I've ever known sent me a drunk voice message hurt that i left my job at the bar he goes to without telling him and adding that he saw me on tv speaking about palestine, which turned into me telling my ex boss to give him my number, and the sober voice message was much worse because this sweet guy just tells me that he's so proud of me and then i can feel him like talking with a constricted throat saying he understands that i left and closes with "from the river to the sea" and doesn't it just suck that some things have no hope of ever beginning and yet still end somehow

[soaps-mohawk]

[aroaessidhe]

2023 reads

The Deep Sky

scifi mystery thriller

on a deep space mission traveling from an environmentally devastated earth with hope to restart humanity elsewhere

when they’re halfway, an explosion kills 3 crew and pushes them off course

the only witness is the Alternate who has no specific role, and she has to figure out who caused it & if they might continue to sabotage, while they're figuring out a way to get back on course with limited resources

flips between present and the past: of her childhood and training for the mission, her identity struggles, and relationship with her mother

questions the ethics of ‘restarting’ humanity elsewhere vs putting resources into fixing earth

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

the 14 year old edgelord in me keeps trying to compose deep poetry about coming to after dissociating. calm down babes. we’re all good here.

[oatmealcrisp-freak]

ok no you know what fuck that fuck this i dont want to risk the potential of doing harm to a maligned community (one i mcfreaking belong to especially cus what is this? tigers eating my face?) even through a fanfic, break up fic is no longer a break up fic.

reconciliation fic Is A Go.

is this overdramatic and vagueposty idk fkn maybe but lo and behold i am somewhat distressed so. apologies.