#is the way to go. getting therapy is the way to go. or at least SOMETHING self improvement that isnt a self improvement cult

[andreilslovechild]

A Study on Aaron Minyard and Hatred

I've been in this fandom for years now. somewhere around 5 years or so. and since I've been here there's always been a distinct theme in how people talk about the brother of our beloved main love interest. see people speak about aaron in two ways mainly. the first way is, of course, labeling him as hateful and homophobic and disliking him because he dislikes Neil. the second way is building on his more personable characteristics and having him paired with someone else like Katelyn or Kevin to mellow him out. both of those are all well and good, everyone is entitled to their opinions and all, but I've never quite seen people look at both of those sides at the same time so I want to try and consolidate my thoughts on the matter.

first of all, I personally rarely consider aaron inherently hateful in my own understanding of him. annoyed or disgusted sure, but not necessarily hateful. mainly that hate is focused on three people from what the fandom talks about: Neil, Andrew, and Nicky. I'm using hate a broad term for dislike just for the ease of things right now so don't yell at me, but I think it fair to say the fandom typically pits these three up against aaron in a way that makes aaron look like the bad guy a lot of the time.

if I'm honest, I never really felt he hated Neil more than just didn't care much. at least until he found out about him and Andrew and gave him his version of the shovel talk. maybe a bit when Neil used Katelyn against him. but overall I never quite got it when people said he hated Neil, let alone hated him for "no reason". like id be annoyed too if a guy waltzed onto my college sports team while im studying premed, and turned out to be the long-lost son of a serial killer with a mouth so big it was a wonder hes still alive. plus he was super shady before all that was revealed too, but aaron was still pretty neutral when Andrew brought Neil into the monsters. he even spoke back to the upperclassmen when they freaked out about Neil sitting with the monsters. if you all need me to get the quotes I will, but it's currently like 2am, and I just can't be asked right now lmao. either way, the only time aaron really hates Neil in the books is when he uses Kate against him to get him to go to therapy. which was done for his own good in the long run, and I doubt aaron stayed upset about it for too long. plus we always have to be careful here because we are seeing things from Neil's perspective, someone who is inherently an unreliable narrator in the story.

in Nicky's case, there's a lot to consider. aaron definitely does and says some things (again not finding specifics rn because it's 2am) that are hurtful to him, or offensive. I certainly don't really blame people for reading it as homophobic on a surface level. but that's exactly what it is. surface level. his feelings about Nicky are probably the second most complex in this instance. because Nicky is his cousin, caregiver, friend, whatever you want to call him. They're close, they mean something to each other. but aaron also grew up with Tilda, probably talking with his family over the phone every few months, seeing them maybe once a year or two. when aaron moved to South Carolina he was 13. Nicky would have been 17. aaron probably spent a lot of time with him at first to avoid being alone before he made friends himself. used him as an excuse to get out of being around Tilda alone. which undoubtedly left him susceptible to Luther's preaching. I could make a whole other post on this alone. Still, he would have known Nicky was gay and that it was "wrong". He likely saw only his mask, not the depression inside because Nicky would have wanted to be happy with his cousin. he probably was around when Nicky went to Germany and then came back loud and proud, telling him about a man named Erik and finally standing up to his parents. to us, it's inspirational, exciting even, but for aaron it was like Nicky was abandoning him. He had gotten through Nicky being gone with drugs and staying out of the house as much as possible, but now knowing Nicky was leaving him there alone with his mom for what he assumed would be forever would have hit him hard. he never hated Nicky for being gay. he was angry he had left him, and he had grown up surrounded by the ideals Luther preached and likely his mom did too. with that, plus how uncomfortable it would be to have your cousin being openly sexual around you to an extreme extent like Nicky, I don't blame him really for how he reacted. he was disgusted by the thought of his cousin having sex, not who it was with. I can't remember if his disliking Erik is a canon or fanon thing. Still, he disliked him for taking Nicky away, not because he was a guy. Long story short I don't think aaron ever truly hated Nicky or was truly homophobic. I think he was just a scared kid who learned the wrong words and didn't know how to be vulnerable.

Andrew. good old Andrew. the most complicated relationship in Aaron's life save maybe his mom. I think we all know aaron doesn't hate Andrew. just like Andrew doesn't hate aaron. it's impossible for them to hate each other because they are so irrevocably tangled up and tied to each other's lives. from the second they found out about each other, everything they've done has been for the other in some way. mostly on Andrew's end sure but aaron has also done his share. see out of everyone here I think Andrew is the person that aaron thought he hated the most. he was angry about Tilda, about the drugs, about how Andrew refused to look at him. but deep down he knew he couldn't really hate Andrew. if he truly hated him he wouldn't have stuck around him this long to try and form a relationship with him. he wouldn't have bothered renewing their deal after graduating high school. he may have been stubborn and confusing and made aaron want to pull his hair out in frustration, but I don't think hatred for Andrew truly existed in him. For certain actions maybe, but him overall? definitely not.

Aaron Minyard may have been complicated, cranky, and annoyed for the majority of the times we see him, but he never truly hated anyone. not in the way people seem to think at least. and certainly, never the three people hes accused of hating the most.

[matchalovertrait]

Spice Girls - Say You'll Be There *With changed lyrics.

Start from the beginning (Gen 2)

Previous | Next

After Day 1 of Alegría v Caruso, a video call with secret agents, a costume-test montage, and Operation Fox, Dulce is exhausted! She took a long shower while the events of the past two days marinated in her brain. Although there was something she couldn't shake off.

Antonio doesn’t have “the time or energy for love right now,” huh?

Well, what a terrible time for Dulce to realize she’s developing romantic feelings towards him.

But you know what? It’s okay. She thinks she should stay single for a while anyway. Her previous relationships ended terribly. It seems like she either gets too attached or not attached enough.

And maybe these feelings for Antonio aren’t real.

Dating Caruso has taught Dulce that she enjoys the thrill of the chase. They were rivals during the first semester of culinary school. The tension made him attractive. Then, when they became a couple, the focus shifted to her odd desire of becoming a "celebrity power couple" with someone. That was the goal.

What if she only likes Antonio because lawyers can’t be with their clients? If she had to be honest, the idea of sneaking around sounds enticing.... don't judge! However, what if she realizes she doesn't like him once the trial is over?

Dating Alex has made her wonder if she likes… gloomy people with black hair? Yeah, they’re basically the same person if you think about it. Reserved, edgy people. That’s kiiiiind of weird if she’s looking for Alex in Antonio.

Sounds like a lot of issues. Whatever is happening right now, Dulce wants to put a stop to it. She can’t date anyone in this current mental state of hers. Plus, she just broke up with Caruso, like, two months ago? I don't know, who keeps track of that stuff?

She plans to take some time for herself, rebuild her business, and go to therapy. Those are the things she has to prioritize.

Still, she knows for sure she likes Antonio in a platonic way, at least. He's not as much of a square as she initially thought. He’s sweet.. smart.. and pretty funny if you get to know him. She genuinely wants the best for him and hopes he continues to prosper.

Dulce hopes they can cross paths every now and then once the trial is over. She'll continue to do her own thing and be there for him if he ever needs it.

[lucidl0ser]

Soooooo.. this might be a lil too dark. But anyways, can I get Taiju, Draken, Sanzu, Izana and the Haitanis with a reader that’s used to lots of yelling. Like, grew up with parents who argued and yelled a lot. Often sleeping at friend’s houses bc she didn’t want to go home. So she very often starts to argue over small things, and thinks even the smallest things are gonna be an argument bc she was raised that way.

I love a little bit of angst at times♡ I hope you enjoy! Sorry I couldn't do all the characters, my attention span has been bad

*********************Taiju, Draken, and Sanzu with traumatized! Reader

*********************

Taiju

○ Taiju is very used to the yelling and arguing from being a gang leader and everything that he did to his siblings. Tho after Hakkai stood up to him, he went to therapy and learned all the yelling was not healthy.

○ He set himself straight and met you. But further into the relationship, he started to notice your behavior. At any simple miscommunication or issue, you'd blow up and start an argument. It's almost like you're trying to assert yourself as right and strong.

○ He knew he had to make some changes when after an argument over the dishes, you chose to go stay at a friend's. He needs to fix these unresolved issues with you fast.

○ Now when an argument starts, instead of yelling back or trying to argue, he takes a deep breath and reminds you he's not the enemy. He isn't going to yell at you for forgetting to take the chicken out of the freezer. It'll take some time, but he wants to help you heal. This is a safe place, he would never hurt you

Draken

○ Draken isn't gonna put up with your arguments. He's not gonna scream and yell at you, if you're not gonna discuss the issue at hand like adults, he's gonna give you space

○ Even if he has to leave his own place so you have somewhere to stay for the night, he'll go crash at Mikey's or something til you can get in a clear head space to talk normally

○ He knows how you were raised and he hates it. He hates arguments and tries to avoid them as much as possible. He's also a gentleman. He'd never yell at a woman or even think about showing himself as superior. That's just dumb

○ He knows it isn't the nicest thing, but he's gotta break your bad habits one way or another

Sanzu

○ Sanzu is a very different case. Man is traumatized as well with the yelling and arguments. He argued with Takeomi just about every day before leaving, so you two don't blend very well

○ He definitely takes the arguments personally, feeling attacked the moment you raise your voice. He definitely doesn't understand at first, thinking you're just attacking him instead of realizing your trauma, so he yells back

○ But the moment you leave to stay with one of your friends, it all clicks. And he makes some big changes

○ Next argument, he just stays silent until you're finished or realize he hasn't said a word. Afterward, he'd just ask simple questions like what you two should have for dinner or if you're gonna watch a movie that night. It's not the best, but it at least distracts you for a bit til he can find you two a good therapist

*********************

[storkmuffin]

The Magic of San (6/n)

Marilyn Monroe Sidebar #4/4 ( Sidebar 1, Sidebar 2, Sidebar 3)

No but seriously, you guys, there are so many similarities between Marilyn Monroe and Choi San. Please agree with me.

On and off.

Marilyn Monroe was fabulous at being a movie star. She could turn it on or off at whim, according to at least one friend (Lee Strasberg's daughter). She was invisible just walking along the street in normal clothes in New York City, dressed simply, and nobody noticed her, beyond maybe, Oh that's a pretty lady. Then she asked her friend, Do you want me to become her? and the person who witnessed it happen couldn't actually articulate what it is she did, only that she did something and suddenly Norma Jean was gone and Marilyn Monroe was there, in the same clothes and get up but nevertheless suddenly present, and people swarmed.

Marilyn was also apparently absolutely delightful to fans. Anyone who ever saw her at a movie premier had a wonderful time, because she loved the red carpet, loved her fans, and really 'performed' being a movie star for them.

In his TokToq Live on 2025.1.19, San said that he sometimes has this feeling that he is 'not himself' when he's performing on stage. (TBF, I have heard Beyonce say this too, actually, and she names her stage persona entirely different from her actual name). Furthermore, he is often told that he "looks like San of Ateez" but nobody ever actually clocks him. This has led him, in his characteristic way, to wonder "Is my flesh and blood self not very exciting?" (내가 실물이 별로인가?) but I think possibly, he has this "on" persona and an "off" persona. "On" San is immediately recognizable, "off" San just looks like a boy who looks a lot like San of Ateez. There's a great post that makes the distinction between San and "Sanimal." I wonder if all great stars have this??

San shows a lot of deliberation about what it means to be an idol. There are expectations for how he is supposed to behave. San has learned what the rules are, and wants very much to adhere to them. He's paired with Wooyoung a lot, who also is very aware of what the rules are, and gets off on deliberately flouting them. San will calmly lecture Wooyoung about his failure to behave like an Idol, insisting "remember you're an Idol" when Wooyoung purposefully acts against the role of model citizen that S. Korean society demands of Idols.

On a different live, (2025.1.27) San has addressed when the fans in attendance who were apparently cursing at him to get his attention. He laid out his boundaries: He can tolerate 미친 but beyond that is a bit difficult to stomach. He said note that since many foreigners are all intentinoally learning Korean swear words, he tries to accept the strong language when it is used as adjectives - as in 'fucking' is fine if it's in the context of "I fucking loved the show" perhaps, but a straight up, aggressively intended "fuck you" would not be ok. Then he said, as a statement, 여러분은 평생 내가 욕하는 거 들을 리 없겠지만. (You would never hear me swear your whole lives.) I thought this was an extraordinary statement for a guy who's 25 and planning to stay in the public eye decades to say. How would that be sustainable? But he intends to see it through - of that I have no doubt.

Studious

Both San and Marilyn are hardworking people, sure, but I actually think most people are hardworking if you give them something with even a modicum of meaning. What San and Marilyn are, actually, are studious, almost bookish.

Marilyn had a major intellectual hunger that was never actually fulfilled, mostly because given the combination sexism and resentment that her great beauty inspired, she was so relentlessly mocked for her intellectual curiosity. But she read, challenging herself to difficult texts, wrote, had considered and rather brave political opinions. Towards the end of her life, Marilyn was trying to figure herself out by making recordings of her thoughts, going to therapy, taking difficult acting classes, and for a while, very reliant on a strict acting coach. Marilyn and Natasha Lytesse are still speculated on as being lovers, which I don't really care about, but Marilyn did insist on having Natasha present on her sets and listened only to her. This too was mocked, but I assume Marilyn's reliance on this coach wasn't just the usefulness of whatever coaching she got - Lytesse was possibly the only person on set who took Marilyn seriously as an artist. Marilyn kept wanting to get better, and be serious, and make art.

As a bookish person who also loves the idea of expanding my inner world by taking in external stimulus, it always hurts me that Marilyn never had anybody take her intellectual yearnings seriously - not Joe DiMaggio, not Arthur Miller, very few of her male costars, even fewer directors. She was just born at the wrong time, in so many ways. I feel like her equivalent may actually be Nicole Kidman - a superlatively beautiful actress who wants to make dark material. Kidman of course was raised in a stable, intellectual home.

San has exhibited a similar lack of pride and hunger for artistic achievement. It can't have been easy, necessarily, to be a stiff, slightly awkward dancer with mostly a martial arts background asking for coaching and attention from very near peers. It speaks to a lackof unnecessary pride, which I think is rare to find in very young people. San's dance performances are to my eye the most 'ballet' to me, in terms of his having absorbed whatever classes he got in formal dance training and insisting on keeping those in his body. San is, along with Hong Joong, the only singer in this singing group that seems to just constantly burst into song. (I have not seen a long of Jongho footage, tbf). Whenever he's bored, waiting for other people to get ready for him, or his mood improves, he just starts singing. Other members have said that he's a bit of a practice nut, constantly working on improving himself in a way they found transformative and inspirational.

And one more thing -

Throughout the European concert tour, San has discussed his continuing to study English. He devotes 30 minutes per day every day to studying, and he does it using a very standard textbook. I found this so moving, that he would tell people about it (creating external accountability) and be so sweetly proud of the progress he was making in his book.

San is gifted at languages by the way. I too am gifted at languages, so I am the authority on this. This Atiny on Tumblr has noticed it too, that he has an ear and a knack for correct pronunciation ( in this case, German). His English pronunciation seem like real accomplishments to me. I assume that his being a gifted singer has something to do with this - he can hear with great attention to detail, so it helps him replicate the sounds better. During their Japanese TV special, San made a concerted effort to try to speak Japanese with the people that he met as well as the crew, even if it's imperfect, because this is how you improve. (Yunho seems the most fluent in Japanese, but that's just ... Yunho, to be good at all the idol things lol, which in Kpop includes speaking Japanese).

The encouragement and admiration that San's fans express for him when he talks about studying English or Japanese is something I'm so happy he has, and I wish Marilyn had had something like that too. **

**Though I don't know -would she? If say, another (I think) very smart, sexy little blonde (say, Sabrina Carpenter) went on social media and talked about how she was teaching herself German so she could read Goethe, would her fans support her?

[yapper1020]

This is most definitely gonna flop but I wrote this fic about Carmy in therapy today and it's too short to post on ao3 so imma post it here. It's still a bit long and I'm aware the way Carmen talks in this is out of character but my mind would not be stopped. I had to write it like this. I apologize for any typos.

Disclaimer that I have never been to therapy but enjoy I guess lmao.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"There's uh, there's this thing in my chest. I forget the name of it sometimes. Too busy thinking about my hands to focus on the rest of my parts. It keeps you alive. The heart. It's the center of everything. The powerhouse. Or at least, it's supposed to be."

"How do you mean?" Doctor Scott, his therapist, asks him. And fuck it all really, because is he even therapy material? Is he not too far gone? Natalie doesn't think so. That's who he's here for.

Natalie.

Sydney.

Richie.

The list can go on for days.

And he'll still be here in this room. Wondering if he's worth anything.

"That, uh, that probably sounded confusing," he chuckles, a humorless sound. "I guess I mean emotionally. My heart isn't in charge. Am I making sense?"

"Please, continue."

"Uh, o-okay." Swallows. It feels like glass shredding his throat. The dread. "It's my mind that handles shit. I've always dealt with everything like an equation even though I'm terrible at math...so no, actually. I treat everything like a dish. Clean plate or messy. Sharp corners or abstract shapes. Light or heavy. Big or small. Everything is how it's supposed to be. Even if you hate it. Even if you hate yourself for doing it." A breath. Shuddering and small. "And when a plate is fucked, you abandon it." A finger against a nose. Nail scratching against bone.

"My mother hated me - hates me because I'm something to hate. I'm easy to dislike. I was made to be her punching bag. Acceptance. That's what I did to handle that. I was never meant to be loved by my mother or father. Not in a normal way. Not in a healthy way. Not in a real way."

"Why do you feel like that? Like you were meant to be hated?"

"Because...because I hate myself. I told you, I'm easy to dislike."

"Why do you hate yourself?" He says, writing on his pad. As if he is merely a name on a paper. Is that what he's worth? An easily scribbled, merely incomprehensible note on a doctor's form. Simply and only a patient to people paid to take care of him? Because everyone else has given up?

"I am boring. Lifeless. I am lifeless because I am bloodless and because I am bloodless, I am pale. Ugly. Deformed."

"Is that what you think of your appearance? Or something you were told? By your mother, perhaps?"

"Both." He touches his nose. Squints his eyes. "Uh," a sigh. A cry for help. "I'm not fun to be around. Most times I'm paralyzed in my own mind. My family says I need to calm down. Unwind. Relax. Unclench my ass. I don't fucking know how to do that. Since I was born, everything was high intensity and fast. Very happy or very sad or so terrifyingly angry. Nothing was done small. Nothing was ever fucking calm. I was raised in chaos so therefore I must've have been for it. It must be all that I can be. All that I can create. A creature is born to is born to a certain habitat because that is the only way it can live or try too. Only in those conditions. So if the conditions are violent, the creature is by nature, by its calling, violent. It's the only way it can survive. I was bred to be loveless and unlovable, and cruel, and unkind."

I was born to not know love.

It does not know me.

And I do not know it.

"Everyone runs from an oncoming train. Unless they want to get hurt." He continues.

"Carmen, I can't help but notice that you have a very poor outlook of yourself."

"Most people do." He tries to joke but he's never been one for humor. Doctor Scott does not laugh. Suddenly, "you sound like Sydney," he says.

"What does Sydney say?"

"She tells me I'm unkind to myself."

"She's right."

"She always is." He responds, almost defensively. Shifting on the hard cushion.

"Who is Sydney?"

"My partner." He motions for Carmen to continue but he doesn't, not understanding.

"Who is Sydney to you?"

"My partner."

"No. Not in a work capacity, Carmen."

"Why-why do you ask?"

"You smiled."

"What?"

"When you mentioned her. You smiled. For the first time in the forty-five minutes we've been here."

"Well...I only know her fully in a work capacity. I barely know her outside of that."

"What do you know about her outside of that?"

"She is shy. And she's fierce. And she's awkward. And she bottles everything in. I wish she wouldn't. Her nose crinkles when she thinks. Her voice goes quiet when she asks for something. Her jokes are awful but she loves to tell them anyway. She smiles with her nose and her eyes. She's not afraid of me so I fear her power."

"You fear her?"

"I fear what she can do. She tells me when I'm wrong. When I'm being an asshole. She doesn't give me grace. Like Richie or Nat. And I don't think she should, I honestly don't want her to. She meets me toe to toe except...I am the monster and she's the queen. I'm not used to that. I'm used to fighting monsters. Do I sound like a nursery rhyme? I think I do."

The doctor's mouth does not move.

"She can leave me and not be broken. But if she leaves me...I won't ever be whole. Forever indented by the lack of her presence."

"So she means a lot to you?"

"She consumes me. But if I do the same to her, she'll be gone forever. Lost to the grayness of my being. I would never see her again except, she'd be right in front of me. And that would be infinitely worse."

"You think you are a danger to her?"

"I know I am. But I can't let her go and for some reason I can't fucking understand, she won't leave me. She is angry at me. But she won't go. She looks at me like she believes in me. She is stubborn to show me something I can't even fathom. She wants me to learn it. But I don't even think she's aware of what she's doing."

"And what's that?"

"She is trying to show me love. Or she has already shown me it. But I can't process it. So I scream and she does it back. And sometimes, I see her crying at closing and my mind factory resets so I don't have to think of how I'm the cause of it. I ignore pain. Whether from me or others because I only, always, make it worse. And the next day, I treat her with kindness or rather, I treat her with a lack of anger and hope she smiles. She rarely does."

"You always make it worse?"

"When I was five, Natalie got cut. I tried to help, ran to get a band aid. What I didn't realize is that the first aid kit had a pool of my mother's brandy in it. It was on the bandage. It burned Natalie. I made it worse. Yes, I always do." A beat of silence and Carmen rubs at his chest. "I'm tired of talking." His mouth is dry, his eyes are wet.

"Well, you have an hour left but we don't have to talk. We can just sit."

Carmen nods. He talks anyway. "Sydney is hopeful. Sydney is optimistic. I'm a pessimist. We shouldn't work. But we try anyway. And sometimes, it's like flying. Others, it's like falling straight into the abyss. We clash but I don't want to lose her. So I do what I do best."

"What's that?"

"I cook. I speak through food. Vegetables, fruits, meats. They're all letters and seasonings are periods and commas and exclamation points. That is my language. She speaks it too. That is how we were introduced even though I didn't know that we met at the time. She ate one of my dishes. And somehow, impossibly, she was inspired. She sought me out. I think she might regret it." His brow furrows. "Hey, doc. She's the only person other than family I can apologize too, why's that?"

"Maybe because you care about her."

"I care about a lot of people. She's the only one I can speak too. Say what I mean."

"Well, how do you feel about her?" There's a freckle on his nose. An imperfection Carmen finds. He was trained to find imperfections. In dishes and chefs below him and around him. To break them. To surpass them.

I'm gonna smoke this motherfucker!

But never the chefs above him. They were supposed to break him. To mold him. To make him hard and callused and cruel. Except it didn't take them that long to make him that way. Had a natural knack for it, it seems.

"How do you mean?"

"I mean, how does Sydney make you feel?"

"Uh, you know that moment after a storm? When everything goes quiet. The earth stops shaking. The sky stops screaming. But it's still wet and dreary, there's mud everywhere. You stay inside because it's warm and you're dry and you're safe."

"Sydney feels like that to you?"

"Sydney is that to me."

"You said you can't process love but I think you are. I believe you are learning."

"It doesn't matter whether I'm learning something good. Because I can't unlearn all the bad. I can't unlearn the way my mother's hands curl around a wine bottle. Or how she snarled like a beast when she looked at me. I can't unlearn the way my father left without so much as a goodbye or even a glance back. I can't unlearn how Natalie's nose flares when she cries. And I can't unlearn how Micheal breathed like two hands were choking his lungs. I can't forget that shit. I am that shit." There's a mirror in the room. Everything about him is red when he sees his reflection. "I am my mother's pleas and her accusations. I am my father's son. I have his eyes. I have his ears, I have his tendency to leave. I am my mother's anger and her wretched uncommon happiness. I am the reason for her rage and the target of her calamity. I am my brother's only hope and his dying wish. I am his disappointment and his pride. I am the thoughts that killed him. I'm the one person my sister couldn't get to stay so I am the root of her unhappiness. I am the reason she stays up at night yet still am one of the partakers of her kindness. I am my family's blood and I carry all their scars. I am the outcast. I carry all the darkness because I am strange and they can't understand me so Ma put all the problems on me because I was already misshapen so why not a bit more stretching and pulling until I no longer have a form but am just merely a fog that travels within the spaces they all long to ignore. Those crevices that ache and moan and bitch, that is where I live. In my family's sorrow. In their every fear. In the reason they give up. I am a Berzatto which means I am heartbroken and lonely and full of a fury I can't control. It is my birthright. It is burned into the mechanical nature of my matter. I am loud and intolerable. I move without feeling. I will tear you apart with my teeth like a bear and I will loathe myself for it afterward. I'll give anyone my all but all of me is not something people usually want. I am without a place and without a purpose to any other human being unless I am serving them."

"Except to your family."

"They're my family. They have to love me anyway."

"Except to Sydney?"

It stumps Carmen. His mouth shuts.

"Would you like to talk about your brother?" He nearly has whiplash.

"My brother...I loved him."

"I know."

"He was everything I wanted to be and everything I didn't."

"Can you expound on that?"

"He'd get into fights a lot. But he had passion. He stood up for himself. People liked him. I so desperately wanted to be liked or understood. Nobody got me. They'd try but not really. Sydney gets me."

"So your brother was your role model, would you say?"

"He was my inspiration."

"And when he died?"

"Everything lost its flavor."

The doctor seemingly understanding that his client speaks in the tongue of a chef more than the tongue of a human taps his pen and asks, "and when could you taste again?"

"Sydney made risotto. It needed acid. But I still thought it was perfect. But I didn't tell her that. I diminished her instead."

"Like your mother diminished you?"

His jaw clenches, his eyes water. "Yes." He admits, brokenly.

"Carmen. You're right. You can't forget the things you witnessed in your childhood and adulthood. You can't forget the way you were treated. But you can change. You can be different. You can break away from the things you learned and become new. You can be the person you want to be."

...

It's cold when Carmen makes it outside.

His lips are dry.

His fingers are numb.

His mind feels loopy.

So when he sees Sydney leaned up against her car, he thinks he might be hallucinating.

He walks toward his hallucination with purpose. She smiles at him and he frowns.

"Sydney?"

"Hey!" She rubs her hands together, bracing against the wind. "How'd it go?"

"It uh," he looks back at the office and squints. "It went." He shrugs, not knowing what to say. It was heavy and it was long. And he's tired. She understands that immediately.

"Yeah, these things can be rough."

"Why are you here?" He asks but not unkindly.

"To drive you home."

"You didn't have to do that."

"Dude, it's like ten fucking degrees, I didn't want you to freeze."

"I wouldn't freeze." He says back, confused.

She sucks her teeth and rolls her eyes. "I wanted to be with you after that shit. Okay? Happy?"

He stares at her. She is the sun, he is the moon. Always on one side of the sky but rarely together. He thinks they should become an everlasting eclipse.

She hugs him. Her arms squeeze him so hard that he feels again.

He sighs.

His nose burns from the chill.

He is home.

[ruvviks]

PLEASE DO NOT TAG AS YOUR OWN OC OR PAIRING.

Nathan and Ruben share a bond more powerful than most; mutual understanding through past experiences no one should ever have to go through, and through past actions so horrible they cannot be spoken of. Their grief and the blood on their hands binds them to the STEM technology they created, which has alienated them from the rest of the world— but they give each other the comfort they have both longed for so desperately for years, and that is all they need. They are each other's counterpart; you cannot imagine one without the other, like two sides of the same coin. Through their pain, their grief, their desire, and their regret, they have become one.

anna akhmatova, the guest // bones; equinox // 'i won't become' by kim jakobsson // agustín gómez-arcos, the carnivorous lamb // by oxy // achilles come down; gang of youths // czeslaw milosz, from 'new and collected poems: 1931-2001' // 'extended ambience portrait from a resonant biostructure' and 'migraine tenfold times ten' by daniel vega // a little death; the neighbourhood // marina tsvetaeva, from 'poem of the end' // by drummnist // katie maria, winter // 'nocturne in black and gold the falling rocket' by james abbott mcneill whistler // micah nemerever, these violent delights // body language; we are fury // 'the penitent' by emil melmoth // chelsea dingman, from 'of those who can't afford to be gentle'

taglist (opt in/out)

@shellibisshe, @florbelles, @ncytiri, @hibernationsuit, @stars-of-the-heart;

@lestatlioncunt, @katsigian, @radioactiveshitstorm, @estevnys, @adelaidedrubman;

@celticwoman, @rindemption, @carlosoliveiraa, @noirapocalypto, @dickytwister;

@killerspinal, @euryalex, @ri-a-rose, @velocitic, @thedeadthree

[thewalrusespublicist]

hi! really enjoying reading your blog. i've listened to the beatles all my life but only now have i started looking into the more fandom side of things, and reading your interpretations/insights into a huge variety of beatles topics has been super interesting and informative!

as for my question, i've only recently learned how much paul is still like, actively grieving john. (obviously i knew he mourned his death, but john's now been dead longer than he was alive and paul seems just as grief-stricken as he was decades ago.) and something i've been wondering is if he's ever performed his songs that were obviously/highly suspected of being critical of john live since his death? based on much of what i've seen, i imagine he'd have a hard time even looking the fact that he was ever publicly reproachful of john in its face, so to speak. (when considering how wistful and rose-tinted he seems re: john, etc., if that makes sense?)

Hi anon!,

Thank you so much!

I would honestly have to look back at his set lists but to my knowledge, no. I really don't think he'd want to and, to be fair, I don't think there are many songs about John that are that critical and the small pool that are, aren't really suitable for live performances compared to others. Edit: I was wrong, Paul did perform Too Many People in 2005 as part of the setlist and briefly in 2008.

On the slight contrary though, as per the mention of 'mixed feelings' about John in the Lyrics book and other things, I think Paul's grief is intensely complex and that the public only get to see some of it. I don't think he is that upset or regretful about being critical, if you listen to the Salewicz tape closer to the time of John's death Paul says that he could have said an awful lot worse about John and Yoko but he hasn't because he loved John. In the context of the absolute tidal wave of garbage John threw at him, Paul arguably had the sense to not do or say anything really unforgivable so I think his conscious is pretty clear aside from not making up properly. I am not saying that Paul doesn't mean the nice things he says about John publicly (and if any of the anecdotes and stories about him in private are true, these stories are potentially more frequent and intense than you'd expect), but judging from various places and comments he seems to also hold some very difficult feelings about the last ten years of John's life too.

On the grief being so raw, sorry to go on a bit of a tangent but I've been listening to a podcast on grief recently with Anderson Cooper, and it's made me realise that Paul's presentation of grief is a realistic reflection of how intense grief for a loved one actually is compared to how it gets portrayed in the media and how Western culture likes to see it (ie you get like three years and it's done, moving on). A lot of people on that show talk in similar ways to how Paul talks about John (I see signs of them, they talk to me, they're a part of me, the grief can hit me randomly no matter how long its been, I keep things of theirs etc.) With Paul, the level of grief is I suspect how a lot of people actually feel when they lose someone who was extremely dear to them, but his is more on a public stage and so more visible than the standard person's. I do think his grief for John is complicated however by so much: the horror and senselessness of what happened, their unresolved issues, Paul's tendency to bury things deep, deep down, the intensity of his love for people and inability to process the death as 'it's too much' as well as the intense public attention. It's no wonder that the grief still feels so raw and unprocessed.

Paul is also an excellent example of how one's relationship with the deceased continues and evolves over time. Paul hasn't stayed in one place over John's death, his grief has evolved and transformed and I suspect intensified again in the wake of Get Back. I'm glad that by the sounds of it he is coming to a much happier place about it, even if it's potentially more rose-tinted than the reality. But hey, he's in his eighties, if he's going to have this weight of grief forever and if it gives him comfort he may as well focus on all the happy and sunny moments. More than power to him.

[fisheito]

My favourite fantasy lately is Kuya kidnapping Eiden and bringing him to a house in the woods to punish him for endangering himself during some adventure. Kuya keeps Eiden in bondage and constantly on edge, teasing and denying him. And Eiden just takes it without asking to be let out, allowing Kuya to vent his fear and frustration, because he's nice like that.

But, at some point, even the strongest little soldiers break, and just when Eiden is about to shatter from all the stress and Kuya's oppressive anxiety, Quincy comes for the rescue. He's the only one who managed to find that little wooden shack in the middle of nowhere (you know, because Kuya's allowed him to), and he comes in and persuades Kuya to relent.

Kuya hasn't even given Eiden any dick in all the (three? four?) days they've been at it, so serious he was about the discipline aspect!

Eiden cries when Kuya finally fucks him, and Quincy makes him spill

this just reminds me of Billowing Wildfire Kuya R2 where eiden saID sO HImself

i would not be surprised if kuya went full speed into an evil edging hostage situation because he doesn't know how to process eiden's mortality

[idontmindifuforgetme]

I’m finally biting the bullet and contacting a therapist today after being ambivalent ab it for so long… this hellsite has its many disadvantages but one thing I can say is it has truly helped me be less scared of pursuing therapy. Silver lining etc etc

[quietwingsinthesky]

of ten’s companions, if the doctor couldn’t handle losing them and crossed his own timeline to trick them into traveling with future!him instead of past!him so that he’d have a little more time with them:

rose would do it. first because bless her but she has the situational awareness of a rock, and legitimately would not realize this isn’t her doctor until his facade starts to break down and he starts bleeding grief-laced love for her at every turn. but once she does realize it, she’s both deeply sympathetic and a little scared that she could make him into this. it’s a lot to be confronted with having that much power over someone, to break them so thoroughly. rose would try to get back to her doctor, but while she’s with the future version, she tries to do what she can to ease his pain. (she also tries to figure out a way to subvert her fate. she fails.)

i think martha would be harder to trick. she can smell desperation on the doctor like a bloodhound. she is so tapped into the fact that this man wants to off himself so bad and that she’s 90% of his self-restraint, so present her with a doctor who is lacking that and she’s onto him immediately. however, assuming he gets her to come with him, explains why he’s doing this, there’s like. a minute where she’s kind of. not flattered exactly, but surprised, giddy with the realization that he’d come back for a little more time with her, especially if this is early season 3 martha. which would all come crashing down around the time that he reveals that he wasn’t pushed to this by losing her to some tragedy or her death or anything- but that she chose to leave. that is the point at which martha goes ‘oh i need to get the fuck off of this tardis right now’ and ghosts the past!doctor that she was also traveling with because holy shit, man.

donna, like rose, is easily bamboozled into following the wrong doctor home, provided that he shuffles her along into his tardis too fast for her to argue. but she catches on far quicker than rose does. like, three minutes tops of watching the doctor move through the tardis in a way that’s definitely not enthusiastic piloting and looks more like guilty panic. and then she yells at him for lying to her. and she yells at him for kidnapping her. and then she stops yelling because he’s gone sort of still and quiet and his eyes are just broken. and he doesn’t explain himself, he confesses. donna is going to try to stay with him after this btw. because how do you go back to looking your best friend in the eyes when you know he’d take everything you’ve become away from you, even to save your life? and this is still the doctor, he still did that to her, but he regrets it. regrets it so much that he can’t live with it, he’s breaking time and space just to hear her say his name again. and donna doesn’t want to lose him anymore than he wanted to lose her.

[doctorweebmd]

ok my OTHER reflection:

on the one hand its really frustrating to see the posts about docs and healthcare in general on here be so narrow-minded. bad experiences with certain providers have lead to a huge spread of misinformation and mistrust with the whole system. which can and HAS lead to people avoiding 'evil' doctors for perfectly treatable illnesses and dying from them (the vaccine bullshit, anyone?)

but on the other hand. it is TERRIFYING how some of these docs practice medicine. at times i think 'are you just burned out and don't give a shit or are you straight up just stupid?' and i work in critical care. where quite literally every case is life or death. even in the academic sector where there is supposedly a standard of excellence, some doctors i would not let touch my loved ones with a ten foot pole.

and that sucks. i know this is the no nuance piss on the poor webbed site but 'the medical system and people that work for it are fallible and aspects of it are morally questionable at best/unethical at worst' AND 'the field of medicine exists to help people first and foremost and mistrusting/avoiding it can be detrimental in the long run' can and DO co-exist

[soaps-mohawk]

[lightblueminecraftorchid]

the 14 year old edgelord in me keeps trying to compose deep poetry about coming to after dissociating. calm down babes. we’re all good here.

[stuworbutwithchipmunks]

I find so interesting when i see people saying stuff like Simon and Britt would be an amazing duo because... I think their dynamic could be one of the most toxic ones if it's explored (Ofc they would get along at the end dw)

Brittany canonically is someone who push herself too hard to get what she wants, even if that includes putting her own well being aside to reach her goals. While Simon refuses to sleep or take care of himself when it comes to studying for a new project of his, or some invention and shit like that. I can totally see Brittany not understading what is wrong with Simon not getting enough sleep or not eating well if he is willing to get something. And at the same time i think Simon could be a total hypocrite by saying stuff like 'You shouldn't push yourself too much' while having the biggest eye bags on his stupid face.

[kavehayati]

AAAH I have a mutual who’s 18 and he sorta kinda is flirting with this one guy who is a minor as a joke of course ( to which a concerned anon said that it’s weird ) but I can’t help but flashback to er*s