#is it internalized ace/arophobia? maybe!

[ticklepinions]

The aroace urge to be in a relationship-

[aspecpolls]

[If the answers won't fit with the character limit and can't be rephrased, maybe try using numbers in their place for the poll] Non-ace aros [e.g. alloaro, non-SAM aro, neu aro...], did internalized arophobia ever cause you to cling to asexuality to "justify" your aromanticism? [1] Yes, and I always knew that it didn't feel right for me. [2] Yes, and I was initially comfortable identifying as ace, but later realized that it wasn't right for me; I continued to ID as ace despite my discomfort. [3] No, I only identified as ace out of genuine comfort with it, and never forced it on myself. [4] No, I have never identified as ace. [5] Results

[aromanticannibal]

aro bakusquad! (besides katsuki & mina)

Kaminari: the cishet aro man everyone is afraid of. he's nice. he finds it really hard to believe he's aromantic because he's been told all his life that love and crushes are so important - since he was popular in middle school he had his fair share of romance drama, even a girlfriend who broke up with him because she realized he didn't actually love her. he is going to insist on trying to date and find his true love and he's going to fail and he's going to need all the help and support possible realizing that he can just vibe in fwb and bromance paradise forever. actual dating really isn't for him i fear. if isn't straight i think he and alloaro shinsou could be fwb it'd be fun and nice (until kaminari tries to make it romantic and shinsou is like No). All in all. internalized arophobia win (sad fist pump)

Sero: grayro maybe? the kind who doesn't really see the difference between romantic and platonic attraction and doesn't really care. he knows he's felt both occasionally but hehhhh? he gets that there's a difference and he understands romantic love, it's just that when it comes to him he really doesn't give a shit. Mina's nightmare really. also someone who would thrive in fwb situations. probably doesn't mind dating but he wouldn't act really different than if he were friends with the person.

Kirishima: Kirishima is the one guy I like to think of as romantic but by god I'll make him aro. after a trip on the aromantic wiki to remind myself of the rest of the spectrum, I think he'd be aroflux, and that would confuse him SO much. he'd spend so long without getting a crush or suddenly not like someone he liked before and then he'd be in love again and he'd just like. PICK A SIDE PLEASE (<- Kirishima crying shaking his fist at the sky). Once he figures it all out he'd be much chiller about it and the fact that his romantic attraction fluctuates so much would make him way more chill about sharing who he crushes on (in my mind katsuki, mina, deku <33). Which would probably endlessly fluster these people. I think he wouldn't be comfortable dating because he'd feel bad everytime he stopped being in love and then it'd be a whole mess, but if someone liked him back I think he'd try dating a little. And if he finds someone who's also aromantic the qpr is gonna be so strong ! !! !

Bonus Jirou: demiro ace. I think she always knew there was something and figured it out pretty early on, so she's like the one 15 y/o that's very visibly queer. also she's purple so she has to be ace (/j). I don't think she'd date someone who isn't ace too, but in general she wouldn't mind so much about dating or not.

[ask-asexual-crystal-gems]

I'll bite, how do you find poly people to just tag along with? And why wouldn't constantly being around people in a relationship, while not *really* being a part of it yourself, not make the whole feeling worse?

The same way you find Comic Cons, generalized interest groups, meetups, clubs, or any other queer groups. The internet.

For context: this person seems to have read my suggestion for aro people to link up with poly people because they don’t do the toxic monogamy scarcity-mindset of love thing, which results in neglecting or jettisoning friendships.

Anon, if you are put off by the idea of gaining more social bonds in this way, consider:

(1) you may not actually be wholly aromantic, but be a cupioromatic (you actively want to be in a romantic relationship, you just don’t have the same feelings about it or drive for it as an allo)

OR

(2) you may have some internalized arophobia to work out (bonds you form with people as an aromantic are conceptualized as ‘inferior’ when relationship anarchy says they’re not. This is an absorbed idea from society that makes you feel bad by affecting how you view things)

(3) you’re carrying baggage from friends dumping you for romo bonds. (this is subconsciously reminding you of those shitty experiences)

If it’s (1), the solution is to simply have a romantic (but not sexual, if you don’t want that, if not ‘favorable ace’) relationship with the polycule (or a given person within the polycule)

If it’s (2) or (3) that’s gonna take some self-reflection and some sorting through feelings to release them.

It is VERY common for aces and aros to offer open relationships to partners they obtain, so they can get those sexual or romantic desires met elsewhere.

In this, you get your need met- have a partner, maybe even a primary partner, and they get theirs met.

This doesn’t always happen in the context of both people being already-familiar with poly, but it IS one of the reasons poly is perfectly positioned to shore up ace/aro loneliness.

@miloway

[our-arospec-experience]

Do you have any advice on how to deal with internalized arophobia. Big vent on that + relationship (good but complicated)

I’ve been identifying as arospec for about a year now but. Internalized arophobia is making me doubt myself again I already tried talking to some of my other arospec ace friends but. They didn’t quite get it in the way I needed them to. Essentially I’m the guy who has a very much blurred line relationship with one of my friends and it’s a little confusing but as long as my partner is fine with it we’ll keep doing this. Except he thinks it’s entirely a platonic bit and I don’t think it entirely is for me which is. Very very scary. At some point arospec went from this wonderful label that I could use and it would be freeing to something that I’ve poisoned in my head to mean that there are exactly two dots on the line, allo and aro. Nothing in between. I know that’s not true but that’s how I keep thinking of it and I know that’s not me but arospec is. I know I’m arospec but I don’t know what that entails and because my partner and I have different understandings of our relationship it feels like I’m lying to him and I hate that. Aromantic being completely no romantic attraction feels wrong but being allo feels worse by miles. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. Because I know that I love my partner and I really do but I don’t know in what way all I know is that it’s not completely platonic and that’s so fucking scary because that’s what he thinks we are and I don’t know how to tell him or even if I should. I don’t want to lose him though I’d do pretty much anything he asked me to if it would make him happy and he’d do the same for me and. I just don’t know. I don’t know how to stop thinking about myself and being arospec that way. Advice welcome if you have any

~Sal anon

I'm not a professional, so take everything I say with a grain of salt.

I would consider talking to your partner how you feel, to clear up any misunderstandings. This will hopefully at least stop you from feeling like you are hiding stuff from them.

And as for internalized arophobia, I'm not really sure. Maybe look into other terms to see just how diverse the arospec is?

Anyone else have advice?

[bugwolfsstuff]

This is definetly not because of my internalized arophobia that i am trying to cope with but would yall like another Ace Connor Stoll shot?

Maybe coming out to Travis or something?

[emmedoesntdomath]

Okay Mush is down.

Hmmmm

Romeo 👀

ROMEOOOOOOOOO MY LOVE (ha)

ok, clearly, newsies takes place in 1899/1900, because that’s when the actual strike happened. for those of us who don’t know, homophobia was so rampant at this point that it was actually ILLEGAL to be gay in the united states (it was also illegal in the uk, but that’s another history lesson for another time). this obviously put a damper on the LGBTQIA+ community. also, we hadn’t really put a name yet on so many different groups of people. including the aro, ace, and other members of the community, so awareness? acceptance? basic human decency? not happening.

now. we’ve established that homophobia’s rampant, we don’t really acknowledge LGBTQIA+ people simply because it’s not safe to do so, and the awareness of the aro/ace community is nonexistent. and we know that not only does romeo flirt, but he does it publicly, going out of his way to do so, and be as blatant as possible while doing it. so. what if he did this out of a feeling of internalized arophobia AND a fear of people finding out that “something was wrong with him” (obviously, there was/is nothing wrong with him, but this is how he would think about it).

like, our introduction to his character was through him flirting with katherine. but his flirting was very obvious, very basic, very cliché. the writers were really trying to push this idea for his character, and for what? we already had jack, who flirts with anything that breathes (ie. davey, katherine, davey, sarah, oh and DAVEY). romeo didn’t need to be the flirt, and yet that’s what he was. what if he was trying to convince himself and everyone around him that this was who he truly was?

like, romeo didn’t want to find a girl and meet her in an alley or the sheepshead stables. oh, well, maybe if he tells this girl that’s she’s gorgeous, no one will know. oop, he hasn’t ever had a dream like the other boys always describe. what to do, what to do? ask someone out on the street, perhaps? oh, god, race always talks about how pretty spot’s his girl in brooklyn’s eyes are. does he have to do that? is he supposed to do that? no, this is fine, this is fine, he can just tell katherine how pretty her hair is. she’ll think he’s funny. yeah, yeah, he can do that.

also, let’s be real. if they lived in the world we do now, you KNOW he and crutchie would make an aro/ace club, with him running the aro part and crutchie manning the ace group. they would REPRESENT, baby.

[acespec-ed]

I don’t really know if that’s a right blog to say this, but you helped me earlier and I feel forever thankful for this and you are very trustworthy person so I’ll try.

Am I in the wrong for actually not minding that some ship aro or ace characters? I know that it’s huge topic in the fandoms and a lot of people feel like it’s scraping identity from the character, but meanwhile I sit there and I’m like „As long as they portray it as a spectrum of aromanticism or asexuality, or will make it queerplatonic relationship I’m fine”.

Like, please- I really need a different opinion on this topic, because I feel like I’m in the wrong, because this behaviours really can hurt aro/ace person and in the same time that my opinion is valid, because I dunno, maybe I’m kinda projecting my own experiences on characters.

Sorry for bad english and repetetive phrases, I’m kinda overworked heh. Also, I bet you don’t remember my take, but I had internalized arophobia (idk if I used a right word. I mean that I was denying that I can be aromantic). If you don’t want to answer I’m fine with it. I’m still thankfull for running this blog and answering even for difficult questions. We need more people like you.

You're welcome! 💜

Shipping ace/aro characters is something I have mixed feelings on. For the most part, I think it's okay to ship ace/aro characters IF the person shipping them is respectful of their identities. After all, some aces and aros enter sexual/romantic relationships for a variety of reasons. I don't see anything wrong with exploring those options. Especially when it's an ace or aro person doing the writing. I've heard writing ace/aro characters in relationships have helped ace/aro people with their own feelings. But we also can't force authors to come out when they don't want to, so we can't demand only ace/aro people are allowed to write them. (Besides, allos writing about us will hopefully cause them to do research on us, thus helping them be more educated when they otherwise wouldn't be.)

So, I'm mostly okay with it, as long as the person is respectful of the identities. If you (anyone reading this) are concerned that you're not being respectful, then chances are, you are being respectful. The kind of people I'm referring to are those who use the "aces/aros can still x!1!" excuse to justify shipping two characters together because they think they're hot. And go on to write them as allo characters. And then double down when you try calling them out on it/pointing out flaws in the portrayal. But people who are capable of listening to aspecs when they point out mistakes in their rep and willing to learn are okay.

My only major concern is, when the majority of a fandom starts shipping a potentially ace/aro character with someone. It's worrisome that the creators are gonna scratch the possibility of them being ace/aro by shoving them in a relationship to make the fans happy. And then we lose that potential rep. Then, have to come up with our own excuses as to why we see that character as ace/aro. Then, WE'RE the ones who have to sit there and go "aces/aros can still x!" while aphobes brush us off as a joke. But in my experience, that potentially ace/aro character will get paired off with someone regardless. So even that doesn't bother me enough to shame fans for shipping them.

All that aside, it looks like you're shipping them while still being respectful of their identities. So you're good. 💜

(Any concerned writers out there reading this, I once made a post about how to respectfully write acespec characters here.)

[crypticcozycorner]

Honestly I don’t quite remember how I realized I was ace. I remember being in sex Ed and being like “ok but why would anyone want to do that?”, and I figured that it was just the whole “middle schoolers find sex gross/funny I’ll get it when I’m older” but then I just… never did. I don’t remember how I found the term ace, but I’ve been identifying as it for years!

Aro is a little more interesting. Unlike with sex where I’ve always been uninterested, I’ve always liked the idea of romance. I had thoughts that maybe I might be aromantic for a while but I pushed that to the back of my mind and convinced myself that aesthetic attraction was romantic, even when I knew I’d never date that person and would get really awkward whenever anyone asked me about crushes or my parents would talk about how they’d support me no matter who I dated. I ended up watching Jaden animation’s video and reading loveless and heavily related to both, but it still took me about a year to overcome my internalized arophobia. It wasn’t until I joined tumblr right around valentines day and aro week and saw so many people talking about their experiences as an aro person and being proud that I finally accepted myself and took on the label or aro (and by extension aroace. Looking back on it there were so many signs, such as when I was on a second date with someone playing VR chat at their house and kept saying I was “at a friends house” because the word boyfriend/girlfriend didn’t feel right coming out of my mouth. The only “crushes” I ever had were often (non-human) fictional characters that could fit into my enjoyment of the idea of romance without any actual feelings.

I also look back and realize that I don’t quite… understand relationships because I basically viewed it as another form of friendship. I didn’t understand monogamy that much or why people didn’t like it when their partner had crushes because to me that’s like saying you’re only allowed to have one friend. I didn’t understand why it was awkward for some to stay friends with their ex or why my friend got upset when another one of our friends had a crush on her (now ex) boyfriend. I didn’t even realize that going on a date with someone doesn’t mean you’re automatically dating after the first date. I’m not saying all aro people don’t understand romance or dating, but I really don’t lol.

storytime invitation?? i guess thats what youd call it

how did you know you were aromantic/asexual/aroace?

i knew i was ace from the moment i learned what sex was, like ummm!!! you can keep that to yourself actually

i realized i was aro way later (after i made this post actually), after my first real break up and was kinda like.. that was NOT it???? idk my idea of romance has always been just cuddles and quality time and i realized that's not the same for other people ??? people actually have a DESIRE to kiss other people????? absolutely not.

[rotten-queer]

Vent, aphobia, internalized arophobia

.

I wonder if I'd ever have stopped identifying as aro if my mom hadn't told me I was too young at 13.

I don't remember why I identified as aroace for such a short time that the only evidence I have is an ask I sent to a blog, saying that I'm aroace.

I have a lot of blog evidence of when I identified as panromantic greysexual & panro ace, and maybe greyromantic much later on

I have no idea how I managed to blame my mental illness and convince myself I was just sick in the head for hating my partners or being uncomfortable, rather than actually acknowledging that I wasn't attracted to them and that I didn't have to date

I'm frustrated about a lot rn. I'm happy to be aromantic, I just wish I'd accepted it a lot sooner

[fl1nt-and-st33l]

Sometimes I think huh maybe I’m not aro maybe I’m making it up.....but then I go into my psyc class and remember oh yeah romance is gross as fuck

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

We’re Okay

Prompts: Can we get some Merlin figuring out he's aro ace stuff? or perhaps a story further in the future where Merlin knows he's aroace and understands it and has a qpr with Arthur. (And Arthur isn't with gwen bc i never really thought that made sense for either of them) I think whether or not Arthur is also aroace doesn't really matter to what i want to see, it just tells different sorts of stories either way. I'm more favorable to advisor merlin than court sorcerer merlin soooo maybe some of that :) no pressure, write whatever you like. - anon

Gwen figures out she's aroace and talks to merlin about it and tries to figure out how to break up with arthur (post uther death, pre lancelot resurrection). Self discovery! Self confidence! angst! knowing what she wants in life! huzzah! thank u for your time, i hope you consider writing this prompt.  - anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: internalized and externalized acephobia and arophobia

Pairings: merthur/arwen, queerplatonic

Word Count: 4382

The first time Merlin hears about it, he’s very little, young enough that most adults will forget he’s in the room if he’s quiet and doesn’t draw too much attention to himself.

The next time Merlin had heard about it, he was being very confused as to why his ‘crush’ on one of the girls in the village didn’t count.

It doesn't stop happening, but it does get better.

   The first time Merlin hears about it, he’s very little, young enough that most adults will forget he’s in the room if he’s quiet and doesn’t draw too much attention to himself.

 He’s on his mother’s lap, fussing with a scrap of fabric she gave him that almost has a hole worn into it where he likes to bite it. His mother’s hand smooths down his back every once in a while, as if she’s reassuring both of them that she’s right here after Merlin’s nightmares earlier in the month where he couldn’t find her. He’d crawled into her arms and bawled his little baby eyes out as she shushed him and ever since, he’s had to know where she is and she had to know where he is.

 The other adults cooed over him, saying how adorable he was, how responsible.

 “He’ll make a great husband one day,” one of them says, stretching their legs out in front of the fire, “so attentive.”

 “We’ve got a long ways to wait for that,” Hunith had said back, not unkindly, “let the poor boy be a boy before you start trying to matchmake.”

 “Come off it, it’s only fun and games.”

 Another one of the adults had laughed. “It’s no use trying to head it off, you know. Sooner or later he’s going to start playing with the other kids his age and then you know how insufferable it’ll get.”

 “I think when a few of you can get better and holding stable relationships with each other as adults, you can then start worrying about the kids.”

 It had prompted a good round of laughter and something about Hunith raising the smart ones before the conversation drifted elsewhere.

 Later, however, Merlin had asked what that man was talking about.

 “Oh, sweetie,” Hunith had said, “don’t you worry about things like marriage right now. It’s not something you’re going to have to think about for many, many years, and even then it’s only going to be when you want to.”

 “But what is it?”

 “Well,” his mother had said, choosing her words carefully, “when two people love each other very, very much, they can choose to make a promise to only love each other like that for the rest of their lives.”

 “But I love you, ” Merlin had cried, his eyes brimming with tears, “does—does that mean that I won’t?”

 “No, no, sweetie, it’s not that kind of love.” His mother had pulled him into a cuddle. “No, sweetie, there are different ways to love someone. Marriage is just one way of expressing a certain type of love.”

 “I’ll always love you,” Merlin had promised and his mother had hugged him tighter.

 “I know, sweetie. You’re a very loving boy. Of course, you will. I just hope you find someone who can give you all the love you share with everyone else.”

 2.

 The next time Merlin had heard about it, he was being very confused as to why his ‘crush’ on one of the girls in the village didn’t count.

 “But she’s hardly pretty,” one of the boys was saying, “I think the toads look prettier than she does.”

 “She’s not that bad,” another one had said, “she’s better looking than your sister.”

“Hey! Don’t talk that way about my sister!”

 Will had snorted. “Two minutes ago, you were yelling at us to not talk about how pretty your sister is. Pick one, why don’t you?”

 “I’ll pick you!”

 Merlin had scooted out of the way as the two boys dissolved into a brawl, cheered on by the others until some of the adults had spotted them and pried the boys apart. Will had made it out with a scuffed cheek and a bruised knee, the other boy with a few scrapes on his hands.

 All in all, not the worst casualties they’d ever faced.

 “But seriously,” Will had said as they walked home later that day, “ her? She’s not that pretty, Merlin.”

 “I don’t like her ‘cause she’s pretty, I like her ‘cause she’s clever.”

 “Clever?”

 “Yeah. She managed to do the full day’s work in half the time by training the donkey to pull the cart. That’s impressive.”

 Will had scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You sound like my father. Come on, Merlin, just tell me who you like!”

 Merlin had stopped in confusion. “I did tell you.”

 “But who do you like,” Will had stressed, only making Merlin more confused, “who—“

 He glanced around and leaned in close.

 “Who do you want to kiss? ”

 “Kiss?”

 “Keep your voice down?” Will had glanced around again and put his face right up next to Merlin’s. “Yeah, Merlin, kiss. Which girl do you want to kiss?”

 “None of them.”

 “Oh, come on, I’m your best friend! You can tell me. Wait, it’s not mine, is it?”

 “She’s not yours, Will.”

 “Not yet. Okay, wait, wait,” he had said quickly when Merlin made a face and kept walking, “okay, you’re right, she’s not mine. But is it her? I won’t be mad, promise.”

 “It’s not her, Will.”

 “Oh, thank god. I lied about not being mad.” He’d nudged Merlin’s shoulder. “Wait, so who is it then?”

 “None of them, really. I don’t want to kiss any of them.”

 Will had rolled his eyes. “You’re no fun.”

 3.

 The next time, they were older, and Merlin had suddenly been informed that people were looking at him.

 “What d’you mean, they’re looking at me, people look at you too, Will.”

 “But they’re looking at you.”

 “Just because you say it with a different voice and you stare at me like that doesn’t mean I’m going to magically understand what’s going on.”

 “Wait, can you do that?” Will had waved at his head. “Read my mind so you can see what I’m thinking?”

 “What, no!”

 “Pity. Would come in right handy in times like this.”

 Merlin had rolled his eyes and kept working, pushing up his sleeves so they wouldn’t get caught.

 “See? Look, look. ” Will had elbowed him sharply in the ribs, ignoring his squawk of protest. “Look over there.”

 Merlin had looked up, half glaring at Will, only to see a group of young women staring at them. They elbowed each other and whispered, giggling. He offered a bemused half-wave and then stared in surprise when they shrieked and ran off.

 “What was that all about?”

 “ That, ” Will had said, sounding a bit put out, “was you being a giant dunce. ”

 “I just waved at them!”

 “You scared them off, that’s what you did.”

 “What did I do?” Merlin had thrown his hands up in exasperation and his shirt had caught the breeze. “I just— Will!”

 Will had tugged his shirt down sharply. “For god's sake, Merlin!”

 “What am I doing?”

 “You—“ Will had taken a deep breath, seemingly catching onto the fact that Merlin wasn’t being purposefully obtuse, he genuinely had no idea what was going on. “Merlin, they think you’re attractive.”

 “ Me? ”

 “Yeah, I know, I’m shocked too.” Merlin had shoved him. “Alright, alright, god.”

 “Why do they find me attractive?”

 Will had stared at him like he’d grown two heads. “Are you serious?”

 “Yes!” He’d crossed his arms. “I don’t like them looking at me like that.”

 “You don’t?”

 No, he didn’t. It had made him feel like…like a piece of meat. Or a horse that was very good at hauling the wagons. Or a shiny piece of jewelry the merchant was selling. He hugged himself and hunched in, trying to make himself smaller.

 Will had awkwardly patted him on the shoulder. “It’s probably just your shirt.”

 “My shirt?”

 “Yeah. How tight it is.” He had tugged on it. “And how easy it flies up.”

 “Oh.”

 The next day, Merlin wore the baggiest tunic and trousers he could find and no one looked at him twice.

 4.

 The next time it’s made into a big deal is when Gwaine is three ales in and the rest of the knights aren’t far behind.

 Contrary to popular belief—and by this, he does very much exclusively mean Arthur—Merlin can’t hold his alcohol very well and, for this reason, does not drink that often. Which means that Gaius really needs to stop using that as his excuse for why Merlin’s not where Arthur can find him.

 Anyways.

 “Alright,” Gwaine announces, slamming the tankard down on the table, “let’s play a game.”

 “No,” Lancelot votes, “I would not like to play a game.”

 “Why not? You’re no fun.”

 “If you’re going to say I’m no fun anyway, I see no reason to explain why I don’t want to play.”

 “Oh, come on,” Percival sighs, “you know he’ll be insufferable if you don’t tell us.”

 “He’s insufferable anyway.”

 “That’s true.”

 Gwaine halfheartedly punches Percival’s shoulder—it barely does anything to the brick shit house of a man—and turns back to Lancelot. “Let me explain what the game is at least.”

 “Alright, fine.”

 “It’s called ‘Have Not.’” Gwaine sits up as straight as he can—which is not that straight, so he leans back against the wall. “You have to say something you think someone else at the table has done. If you’ve done it, you take a drink.”

 “Ah, a drinking game,” Elyan mutters, “however could I have seen this coming?”

 “Are you playing or not?”

 “Sure, sure, I’ll play.”

 The rest of the knights agree and then Gwaine turns to Merlin.

 Merlin shrugs. “Sure.”

 “Ah, yes!” Gwaine rubs his hands together. “Now I’ll finally get all the stories you refuse to tell me.”

 And so it goes. They learn that Gwaine has dangled headfirst down a well—not surprising—Elyan once lost a bet that meant he had to sleep in a full suit of armor as a child—helmet included!—and that Leon was the best at throwing tomatoes at prisoners in the stocks when he was a child.

 “I’m glad you weren’t throwing them at me,” Merlin mutters, inching away.

 Leon chuckles, patting Merlin’s shoulder. “It’d be like attacking a puppy, Merlin, I would never.”

 “Thank…you?”

 “Lancelot, your go.”

 “Alright.” Lancelot drums his fingers on the table for a moment before a small smile that Merlin’s come to learn spells trouble comes to his face. “I Have Not had sex in the past month.”

 Gwaine groans and takes a drink. So do Elyan and Percival. “That’s cheap.”

 Lancelot shrugs. “You didn’t say anything about not being cheap.”

 “No,” Gwaine says with a flirty grin, “no, I didn’t.”

 “ Incorrigible.”

 “Anyway, that’s my go, so…” Gwaine trails off when he notices the other three are staring at Merlin. “What?”

 “He took a drink,” Percival stage whispers.

 Gwaine’s eyes light up.

 “Merlin, ” he says, setting aside the drink—a first—and leaning forward on the table, “you’ve been holding out on us!”

 “I haven’t.”

 “You expect us to not ask questions? You never talk about yourself!”

 “Go on,” Elyan says, leaning forward as well, “what was she like?”

 “No.”

 “What was he like?”

 Merlin pinches the bridge of his nose. “ No, Gwaine.”

 “You can tell us,” Lancelot encourages only to raise his hands when Merlin glares at him, “what?”

 “It was fine.”

 “So it was bad?”

 “What? No. It was fine. She was lovely, it was fun, that’s that.”

 Gwaine stares at him for a long moment. “You’re an awful storyteller, Merlin.”

 “I don’t know what you want me to say! You lot sound ridiculous when you talk about your…exploits,” he says, ignoring the snigger at his words, “I’m not going to sound like that. It’s fine, sex is fun and all, but it’s not for me.”

 “Maybe you just haven’t had the right partner yet.”

 Merlin levels a glare at Gwaine that’s so strong the man actually looks like he sobers up a little.

 “Sorry,” he says immediately, raising his hands, clearly understanding he’s crossed some sort of line, “sorry.”

 Merlin sighs, taking another drink to cope with the idiots he lovingly calls friends. “It’s just not for me, okay?”

 “And there’s nothing wrong with that.”

 See, that’s the nice thing about Leon. He’ll say something with a soft note of finality and everyone will understand that the conversation is over.

 “Gwaine, it’s your turn.”

 “I Have Not spilled ale on myself in the past three minutes.”

 “You pushed me!”

 5.

 The next time it really comes up, Merlin almost has a heart attack.

 He’s just walked into Arthur’s chambers after Gwen’s left for the evening, tending to His Royal Prat’s every need so he doesn’t wake up the Crankiest Dollophead in Camelot, when he notices Arthur’s just standing in the middle of the room, frowning at him.

 “What?”

 “Why’re you still here?”

 “Uh…” Merlin gestures around the room at the mess Arthur’s made of his room. “Unless you’d rather clean it up yourself…”

 “I mean why are you here right now, ” Arthur stresses, taking a step toward Merlin and Merlin quickly decides he does not like it when Arthur is almost glaring at him and asking him questions that sound like daggers, “why are you in my chambers when you could be somewhere else?”

 Merlin’s hands tighten on the nightshirt he’s holding. “Do you—do you want me to leave?”

 He doesn’t think Arthur was in a bad mood. He was laughing when Gwen left. Did Merlin do something to piss him off?

 “Don’t you want to leave?” He doesn’t exactly want to leave, but he wants Arthur to stop advancing on him like he’s an enemy. “Aren’t you sick of being in my chambers night after night? What are you getting out of this?”

 Merlin’s blood runs cold and he almost rips the nightshirt.

 Arthur’s found him out. He’s found him out and he knows about his magic. He knows about the destiny or at least he’s very close to figuring it out and despite what Merlin says a lot of the time Arthur isn’t stupid, he’s very clever, and if he figures it out then he’ll ask Merlin and Merlin can’t lie to him, not about this, he just can’t, and then Arthur will find out and he’ll be so angry and Merlin can’t stand it when Arthur’s angry, especially not at him, and he’s going to—

 “Merlin? Merlin!”

 A strangled noise leaves Merlin’s lips and something grabs him by the shoulders and shakes. Hard.

 “Please—“

 “Merlin, calm down. ”

 “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I didn’t—“

 “Merlin,” Arthur’s voice says again, sounding frantic now, “ Merlin, calm down.”

 “I’m sorry— “

 “Mer—“

 Merlin’s knees give out and he collapses, huddling in a shaking pile on the ground. No fire, please, just no fire, he’ll go, he’ll cooperate, just please no fire—

 “Merlin,” Arthur’s voice calls, suddenly sounding soft and sweet and worried, “Merlin, come here.”

 He’s pulled blindly against something warm, something gentle coming up around him as his head is pushed into a shoulder. Something cards through his hair, runs warm and soothing down his back, something else rumbling against him.

 “Shh, shh, shh,” Arthur’s voice says again, “you’re alright. You’re alright, Merlin, you’re alright.”

 Ah. He’s being cuddled.

 “Yes,” Arthur encourages as Merlin’s hands come up to shakily grip his tunic, “that’s it. You just hold onto me for a moment, alright?”

 “A-Arthur—“

 “Yeah, Merlin, you’ve got me.” Arthur gives him a squeeze round the middle. “And I’ve got you. We’re just going to…sit here for a moment, yeah?”

 Sit. He can do that.

 An embarrassing amount of time later, Merlin realizes he’s being held in Arthur’s lap, his hands stroking through Merlin’s hair and down his back the way his mother used to. Tears are drying on his cheeks, his chest sore from panting and sobbing. Arthur, thank the gods, doesn’t seem to mind, rocking them ever so slightly back and forth.

 Dread sinks into Merlin’s stomach. There’s no way Arthur isn’t going to ask what that was about.

 Sure enough, a moment later, Arthur pulls back to look at him, but his face isn’t angry or smug, ready to tease him for being a petticoat. No, he just looks…worried.

 “What was that?”

 Merlin feels himself flush. “…got scared.”

 “Scared? Scared of what?” When Merlin looks away, Arthur breathes in sharply. “Of…me?”

 He wants to say no. He really wants to say no. Reassure Arthur that it wasn’t him, that he’s just a wimp, just like Arthur always says, it’s been a long day, he’s tired, he’s off his game.

 But he’s taken too long.

 “I see,” Arthur says, quiet and quietly devastated, “I’m sorry.”

 “It’s not your fault.”

 “Isn’t it?”

 “You…you just got in your attack…thing,” Merlin says lamely, “and it…it didn’t feel good.”

“No, I suppose it didn’t.”

 After another moment when Merlin really should say something, or do something so they can get out of this situation, Arthur’s hand coaxes his chin up.

 “I just meant…well, I meant that you probably want to spend your nights in the company of someone you enjoy rather than cleaning up after me.”

 Merlin frowns. “What?”

 “Come on, Merlin,” Arthur says, smiling a little now, “you can’t tell me you’d rather spend your nights here picking up my laundry than with a beautiful woman, can you?”

 Oh, no. No, no, no, no, he’s not having this conversation. “That’s not—I—I don’t—“

 “Or a handsome man,” Arthur says quickly, “I don’t care.”

 “That’s not—wait, you don’t?”

 Arthur gives him a look. “No, Merlin, I don’t care who you choose to bed.”

 Something in him softens.

 “Is that what worried you?”

 Like…yes, but also no. “Not really.”

 Arthur scoffs. “Well then what is it? You can’t really prefer—“

 “What if it’s no one?”

He pauses. “What?”

 “You said you don’t care who I choose to bed,” Merlin repeats, looking away and bringing his hands into his lap to fiddle with the hem of his tunic, “what if it’s no one?”

 Arthur’s quiet for a moment and Merlin braces himself. You’ll understand later, come on Merlin you can tell me, that’ll change when you meet the right person. He’s heard it all before.

 What he isn’t expecting is for Arthur to let out a slow breath. “Merlin, look at me.”

 Merlin doesn’t.

 “Merlin,” Arthur says again, hand on his face, “come on, look at me, please.”

 And gods damn it all, he will always listen when Arthur says please like that.

 “There you are,” he murmurs, smiling, “no, Merlin, I don’t care.”

 “You…don’t?”

 “No. You can choose to do—or not do—anything you like. That’s your business.”

 Merlin worries a loose thread in his fingers. “Even if I never want to…get married and any of that?”

 “Even if you never want to.” Arthur pulls him a little closer. “You always have a place here, I don’t care if you never want to get married or have a bed partner or anything. You’re Merlin, you are the way you are, and that’s that.”

 …don’t cry again, whatever you do, don’t cry again, don’t—

 “Oh, you big baby,” Arthur says, gentle tone taking all the bite out of his words, “come here…”

 He thinks, as Arthur holds him on the floor of his chambers, laundry still strewn about them and the bed unmade, that there isn’t anywhere he’d rather be right now.

 +1.

 “Merlin?”

 Merlin turns around to see Gwen reaching out to grab hold of his shoulder. He pauses, letting her catch up and turning to face her. “Yes?”

 “Can I speak to you for a moment?”

 “Yeah, yeah, sure.” He moves them into a side room where no one goes and closes the door. “What’s going on?”

 Gwen doesn’t say anything for a moment, twisting her hands into her skirts and then out again, before she blurts out: “I don’t want to get married.”

 Merlin blinks. “Oh. Alright. Er, has Arthur asked you?”

 “No, but he’s going to.”

 “He is?” Funny. In all the things he’s heard from Arthur rants about Gwen, that’s never been one of them. “If it’s any consolation, I don’t know anything about it.”

 “That’s not—no, I don’t think he’s going to ask me soon, or at all—I’m being presumptuous, but at some point someone’s going to ask me.”

 “And you…don’t want to say yes?”

 Gwen nods, resolutely staring out of the window and not at Merlin. “I don’t want to marry, Merlin. Not that I don’t care for Arthur, I do, I really do…”

 “But you don’t want to marry him,” Merlin finishes when she can’t, reaching out when she nods somewhat miserably, “it’s alright, Gwen, he won’t make you do something you don’t want to.”

 Gwen’s quiet for a beat too long.

 “…Gwen?”

 “I think I upset him,” she mumbles.

 “What?”

 “A few nights ago, he….he asked me to…to…”

 Ah. “…share his bed?”

 Gwen nods, still avoiding eye contact. “And I said no.”

 Merlin nods, before he realizes that Gwen thinks she’s upset Arthur. “Did he do something? Did he say something to you? I’ll go talk to him, make him see—“

 “No, no,” Gwen says quickly, finally looking at him, “no, he was lovely. I said no and he nodded and kissed me goodnight and offered to walk me home. That was it.”

 Merlin lets out a sigh of relief. “So why do you think he’s upset?”

 “Well…isn’t that what I’m supposed to do?” She goes back to fiddling with her skirts. “I know…I know women aren’t supposed to want that the way men do and maybe he’s just being respectful, but—“

 “Gwen,” Merlin says firmly, “firstly, women are allowed to want sex just the same as men are, and second, it is perfectly alright if you don’t want sex.”

 Gwen looks up at him. “…really?”

 “I mean, I’m not a woman—“ Gwen snorts— “and I’m not…I’m not like you, I’m not from here, so I don’t know what it’s been like for you, but…no, Gwen. Women are allowed to want sex just as much as men are, and it’s also alright if you never want to have sex.”

 “I’m not sure Arthur will see it the same way.”

 “He will.”

 “How can you be so sure?”

 Merlin hesitates, before deciding that this is Gwen and he wants to share everything with her, “because he did for me.”

 Gwen’s eyes widen as she stares at him, before she slowly reaches for his hands. “You’re…you’re like me?”

 “Yeah, Gwen, I’m…I’m like you.”

 Gwen’s face lights up and she laughs in disbelief, before pulling Merlin into a tight hug. “Oh, Merlin, thank you for telling me, I feel so much better now.”

 “Hey, you’re my best friend, of course I’d tell you.”

 Gwen pulls back, shaking her hair out of her face and pushing back her shoulders. “Right, then. I…have some things to think about. And I should tell Arthur.”

 “When you’re ready,” Merlin says, “and not a second before.”

 “Right.” She looks up at him. “Thank you, Merlin, truly. You’re the best friend I could ever ask for.”

 “So are you.”

 The two of them exchange another hug before they have to get back to work. As it turns out, Gwen is far more sure of herself in coming up with plans than Merlin is, and by the end of the day she’s told Arthur and that she wants some time to think about how their relationship is going to change.

 Merlin can’t stop grinning with how proud he is until Arthur tosses a boot at him.

 “At least I won’t have to worry about interrogating potential partners,” Arthur grumbles good-naturedly as he sits back at his desk.

 “I don’t know,” Merlin says as he idly fixes the bedcovers, “she might still find someone she wants to be very close with for the rest of her life. A life partner, just…not a married one.”

 “Mm.”

 “Maybe I’ll find one too.”

 Arthur snorts.

 “Hey,” Merlin says, indignant, “maybe I want one.”

 Arthur looks up from his desk, considering him for a moment, before he gets up and slowly walks across the room, standing in front of him, still silent.

 “What,” Merlin says, “maybe I do. Maybe I want someone to spend the rest of my life with, someone who I care about and who’ll care about me.”

 Arthur slowly reaches out and cups Merlin’s face in his hands.

 “What?” Merlin frowns. “Just because I don’t want to marry and bed someone doesn’t mean I don’t want someone in my life to be fond of.”

 Arthur raises an eyebrow.

 What is he doing? Merlin’s just talking about how he wants someone to grow old with, someone he cares about just as deeply as any married couple could but in his own way, someone who he’d live and die for and someone who would do the same for him, someone who—

 Oh.

 Oh.

 Arthur chuckles as Merlin’s face goes slack with realization, leaning forward and gently kissing his forehead.

 “Idiot.”

 Only Arthur could be so brazen as to turn the insult into a pet name, Merlin thinks hysterically as his hands come up to shakily cover Arthur’s.

 “So you…you…”

 “Mine,” Arthur says, gently yet firmly when Merlin can’t get his words out, “my Merlin.”

 “…yeah, alright.”

 Now, if only the reveal about his magic goes this well. Surely Arthur can’t know about that already too, right?

[aroace-menace]

“Only 1% of people are ace”

Ok, but have you considered how small of a percentage of all people have even heard of asexuality, much less actually deconstructed their internalized heteronormativity, allonormativity, amatonormativity, arophobia, acephobia, and singlism enough that they would be able to consider the possibility that they might not feel attraction in a normative way???

Or maybe consider the fact that this statistic is from a study in 2004, a time when there was no exception in Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder for asexuality, so anyone identifying as ace could be diagnosed with it (not that it’s much better now)

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that there are definitely more than 8 million aces alive right now.

[aro-culture-is]

I accepted my asexuality pretty quickly. The country i live in sees the topic of sex as taboo and its never talked about. NEVER. Its toxic and bad but meh, its the culture. Maybe the reason i never had a problem with it was becauss im asexual.

But realising i might be aro is not. Im struggling with internalized arophobia. Im having identity crisis and existential crisis. And ive heard being aro/ace can be due to trauma? Is that real? Because if it is, lots of things start to make sense about me. Aplatonic aros? Is that a thing too? Ive always felt unfit. Never wanted a friend but seeing everyone in a group or with someone made me feel unworthy and broken from a young age. I don't want a traditional family and i feel like the one i currently am in would've gotten rid of me a long time ago if they could. My dad never kept it a secret how he disliked us, i know my mom sees me as a failure even tho she reassures me, and my brother's world is totally different from me. The few friends i managed to keep throughout the years either gotten on with their lives or found better people. What's the point of living then? Am i even human? How are other aros doing it? Am i aro or just a really shitty person who lost faith in love a long time ago? I need help

hi,

for one, yes - being a-spec can be due to trauma. There's even a microlabel for being aro (caedromantic) or ace (caedsexual) due to trauma.

aplatonic (apl) aros are absolutely a thing!

I'm so very sorry that you've had such a terrible experience with your family. Coming from an emotionally abusive household, I know how much it can completely change how you interact with others. If it is available and mental health services are okay in your country, I'd really recommend seeing a therapist. Even if you don't discuss aromanticism, asexuality, or aplatonicism, it's worth discussing with a professional about the ways you have been affected by the trauma of a family that never seems to accept you.

speaking again as a traumatized individual - as i've worked on my mental health, accepting my trauma, and moving forwards from my trauma, I personally have only grown more capable of accepting myself as aromantic and aplatonic-spectrum. I've learned that my life is my own; I can define what makes me happy in life and seek that, even if others will never understand.

I don't enjoy romantic relationships or living with others - so for me, my ideal future involves planning around living alone and what makes me happiest within that framework. I've considered that I do still get lonely, and that I'd love to have a cat - probably two, since some research seems to indicate cats generally are better adjusted when there are two.

I've thought about how I use my time - I'm disabled and in literal, full-body physical pain 24/7. Going places is an activity that requires me to plan recovery time, so I work especially hard to make my daily living comfortable. I'm currently working on finding little ways to make my life easier - putting meds, food, and water within easy reach of my bed and desk, for example - and learning to allow myself to enjoy those little things.

There's a certain amount of childish glee I'm learning to allow myself to enjoy from small activities. Those, for me, are a primary set of reasons to live. I enjoy my lotions, I eat breakfast for every meal, I lipsync in my bathroom mirror and giggle at my expressions. I learn to live as myself and I learn to see the small joys in it.

This isn't to suggest you aren't trying hard enough to find those joys! I don't think I truly could have done this without anti-depressants, therapy, and supportive friends (friendship is... complicated for me). You will have your own path forwards. I promise that with time and practice, things get better. It's rarely a sudden moment of change. It's often a sensation of taking a deep breath, saying to yourself "I am allowed to feel this way, and I am allowed to do what helps me feel better", and learning to comfort yourself. It's like seeing an echo of your younger self desperately trying not to cry, and realizing that they still exist within you, and you are now also the adult comforting that child, parenting yourself through things your parents never prepared you for.

I really, really hope things improve for you. You deserve to enjoy life. You deserve to not hurt.

[cake-and-spades]

Tell me about internalized arophobia please, thanks

I have been struggling with putting down my thoughts/ feelings for this ask for months, and I finally just did what I do best and did some research. I looked up internalized homophobia and obviously not all of these will apply to arophobia (or to everyone) but it’s a good place to expand from!  I’m so sorry this took so long anon 😭

Bold text is taken from the Rainbow Project (LINK) with anything I added in plain text underneath.

Trigger warnings for things mentioned but not described in detail, take care of yourselves y'all:

homophobia / transphobia / biphobia / arophobia / etc

self harm

abusive relationships

drinking / substance abuse

suicide

pedophilia

(if I've missed any please let me know and I'll add them above)

01. Denial of your sexual orientation to yourself and others.

Fun fact: for the first like 2 weeks after I found out what aromanticism was I refused to identify as aro because of like, the crushing fear and disappointment and the belief I’d never be happy. And of course I *had* to experience romantic attraction some day, I just *had* to, *everyone* does. (Oof)

02. Attempts to alter or change your sexual your orientation.

Do I even need to explain this one? “Maybe if I just try hard enough I’ll start liking someone. Fake it till you make it, right?”

03. Feeling you are never good enough.

Personally, whenever I used to think about platonically dating people/ having nonromantic partner(s) I’d start getting down on myself and think “they deserve a Real (TM) partner, a Romantic (TM) partner, they deserve more than the disappointment I would be” or alternately, the thought that I’m disappointing my parents by not giving them a child-in-law & grandchildren

04. Engaging in obsessive thinking and/or compulsive behaviours.

Not sure exactly how this one could relate, perhaps in obsessively seeking out romance (in fiction or irl) or exposing yourself to it knowing it makes you uncomfortable ?

05. Under-achievement or even over-achievement as a bid for acceptance.

The whole who gets to be an "ally" because they aren't *really* LGBT+ comes to mind

06. Low self esteem, negative body image.

Self explanatory, but I will also add: not wanting to be seen as a Romantic Person, policing your actions and your body / body language so no one could ever see you as anything other than Platonic or friends with benefits. Disliking the parts of you that are typically coded by society to be "romantic" things.

07. Contempt for the more open or obvious members of the LGBT community.

Self explanatory but also: Gatekeeping. I’m thinking especially gatekeeping people who aren’t “aro enough” to be considered aro (you will always be "aro enough" as long as you ID as aro!)

08. Contempt for those at earlier stages of the coming out process.

Contempt for “cringey aros / aces who make the whole community look bad / childish / heartless” when they are just discovering themselves and having a good time (and many times are just kids)

09. Denial that homophobia, heterosexism, biphobia or sexism are serious social problems.

The thought: “Sure arophobia exists, but it isn’t a *real* problem like homophobia / transphobia / biphobia” Alternately: “yeah it’s not perfect, but it’s not like I have *real problems*”

Also a personal note: I didn't like. recognize that we live in an arophobic society? Like society definitely wasn't built for us but Baby Aro me refused to understand that.

10. Contempt for those that are not like ourselves or contempt for those who seem like ourselves. Sometimes distancing by engaging in homophobic behaviours – ridicule, harassment, verbal or physical attacks on other LGB people.

This one is similar to the ones above.

11. Projection of prejudice onto another target group.

Terfs, gatekeepers, etc

12. Becoming psychologically abused or abusive or remaining in an abusive relationship.

Self explanatory :( But especially: staying in a relationship even though it's hurting you, whether because of your partner or just because it isn't a good fit for you as an aro person.

13. Attempts to pass as heterosexual, sometimes marrying someone of the other sex to gain social approval or in hope of ‘being cured’.

Y’all ever faked a crush or just chosen one at random? Y’all ever dated someone you knew you didn’t “like” like while hoping you’d catch feelings someday or thinking it was like, the natural “next step” for your friendship? Y’all ever fear that some day everyone would find out you “”weren’t normal?”” Y’all ever cry bc you know you’ll never love a partner the way they’ll love you, because their love is “”more pure/ real”” or some bullshit???? It's the internalized arophobia 😌

14. Increased fear and withdrawal from friend and relatives.

"They won't like me anymore when they realize I'm not the same as them" "They'll see me differently" etc etc etc

15. Shame or depression; defensiveness; anger or bitterness.

Self explanatory :(

16. School truancy or dropping out of school. Also, work place absenteeism or reduced productivity.

Self explanatory, avoidance of problems and people

17. Continual self-monitoring of one’s behaviours, mannerisms, beliefs, and ideas.

This one seems like it would tie in with #6, specifically monitoring yourself for the Correct Amount of romance, even if you're faking it.

18. Clowning as a way of acting out society’s negative stereotypes.

I have nothing to add here

19. Mistrust and destructive criticism of LGBT community leaders.

I don't think I need to elaborate on this one askdjfdkj

20. Reluctance to be around or have concern for children for fear of being seen as a paedophile.

God I don’t even know why I have this specific internalized arophobia/homophobia. Like??? It doesn’t make sense from an aro perspective but boy do I got it. I love kids and I have an education degree, but am still constantly afraid people see me as a creep

21. Conflicts with the law.

22. Unsafe sexual practices and other destructive risk-taking behaviours-including risk for HIV and other STIs.

Lack of care and respect for self :(

23. Separating sex and love, or fear of intimacy. Sometimes low or lack of sexual drive or celibacy.

I mean some of this is natural and healthy for aros by nature of being aro, but fear of intimacy. Fear of being Known

These last two are self explanatory :(

24. Substance abuse, including drink and drugs.

25. Thinking about suicide, attempting suicide, death by suicide.

https://www.rainbow-project.org/internalised-homophobia/

[foolsrooke]

Sometimes I wonder if I have internalized arophobia. Bc even though I’m aro (or at least somewhere on the arospec) I enjoy romantic media and want to see romance in media pretty much like an alloromantic person. Like, I just saw a couple of posts talking about how important the relationship between the two main characters of Good Omens is to aro and ace people and about how there have been a lot of aphobic posts about the upcoming season 2. One person in the notes of one of them asked if allo people could only view a relationship as valid when there is clear physical affection and kissing. And I wonder: Am I like that? Do I view romantic relationships to be above friendships and queerplatonic relationships, even if unintentionally? And I think that, yeah, maybe I do. I’ve never seen Good Omens, but I feel like I would have been one of the people who would have shipped the two main characters romantically really hard and been disappointed if the romantic ship was never actually made canon. Even more than that, I see people’s takes about how queer friendships/queerplatonic relationships are important to represent in media, and I feel… a little uncomfortable? I think? Which is DEFINITELY something I need to work on. Even though I sometimes wish I could have a queerplatonic relationship of my own. And I think that I feel like people in romantic relationships are closer than people who are in friendships. Which I KNOW isn’t true. People can share a lifelong bond with friends and have a shallow romance with someone. I’m not sure if I’m articulating this exactly how I want to, and I don’t know how well I’m taking nuances into account, so sorry about that. It’s just that… I guess romantic intentions just feel wonderful to see (if reciprocated, of course), and I feel like friendships/queerplatonic relationships lack that extra… spark??? Which, again, isn’t fucking true. I don’t know, this is all so confusing to me. If anyone has any advice or insight, please lmk. I don’t want to keep being like this.