#is gonna have worse anxiety than 2012

[claraghost22]

Mutant Mayhem Leo

This Leo is gonna be worse than Rise Raph, I swear. Also, anyone else get the vibe he’s a fifteen year old stuck with a bunch of thirteen year olds? Cuz that’s what it feels like to me.

also, also, if Donnie isn’t the younger that will be shocking! His voice is so squeaky, it’s great

I am soooo excited for this movie! The art is gorgeous, love the spiferverse-esc style, and the designs and voices are great! And man that character list! Rip these guys, gotta deal with three, maybe four? classic tmnt villains right out of the get go. anyway, looking forward to the fanart, and hope you enjoy

[anhed-nia]

BLOGTOBER 10/8/2024 PART 2: THE DELIVERANCE

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: October 8 was another rabbit hole day of my Blogtober program, and I have managed to refrain from slapping a snarky nickname on this little marathon of American race-centric horror movies that raise some uncomfortable questions. Can white guys make compelling movies about Black anxieties? Can Black directors get away with making white actors say things white people shouldn't get away with saying? The answer is…it depends on who you ask!

And if you want to know why I'm capitalizing one word and not the other, it's because I generally agree with the AP statement about the lack of meaningful cultural commonalities between white-skinned people--other than generalized privilege, of course. In my mind, it is useful to talk about whiteness in political contexts, but it is not so useful to talk about a "White" ethnic identity unless you are into white pride, which I would prefer not to validate. I understand that this is not a perfect solution, and many people feel that the lowercase "w" supports the delusion of whiteness as the universal default for humanity. I do not want to invite a big heavy debate on my silly little movie blog, but you should feel free to comment with links to worthwhile discussions on this subject, as long as you are doing it in good faith and you are not a white supremacist asshole. END STANDARD DISCLAIMER

I almost completely ignored the whole existence of this movie until the amount of hatred it was accumulating became unmissable. Then, of course, I was dying to find out what the problem was. When I started the movie and saw that it featured a Black, alcoholic, abusive, single mother, I immediately developed this paranoia that audiences couldn't handle less than aspirational Black characters. Over the past ten years or so I've seen so much backlash against any characters who don't act as proper role models, and as someone who cares about storytelling, this turns my stomach. Harley Quinn is on top these days, but I remember ferocious arguments that her relationship with the Joker somehow promoted domestic violence, so therefore she shouldn't have any fans--even if a reader happened to relate to her problems. Too often we hear the pedantic, propagandistic demand that characters only act in accordance with the highest registers of the human soul; this is infantilizing at best, and sort of inhuman at worst. And as you can see, I am extremely nervous about it. ...But anyway, eventually I learned that the majority of complaints against Lee Daniels' THE DELIVERANCE were not about its portrayal of non-idealized characters (PHEW!), but instead they were all about something that Glenn Close says. And while I'm personally in agreement with Lee Daniels' defense of this eye-wateringly racist remark, I'm not gonna repeat it. Call me a coward if you like, but it's too weird for me! You can hear it from Glenn Close if you want.

THE DELIVERANCE dramatizes the story of Ammons family, who in 2012 required multiple exorcisms. Andra Day gives a very strong performance as Ebony Jackson, a young mother crumbling under the dual pressures of poverty and addiction; her cancer-stricken mother Alberta (Glenn Close) has moved in for mutual assistance, but her not-so-passive aggression makes matters worse. Jackson's three children especially suffer from the chronic household tension, which occasionally turns violent. Having established this much, I started to feel the way I felt when I watched the last EXORCIST sequel: This is pretty well-made, it's interesting, it has some really good performances, and it's even a little scary. Why is everyone so pissed off about this?

As I found out very abruptly in the second half of THE EXORCIST: BELIEVER, they were pissed that a perfectly good film that people apparently worked hard on would suddenly turn itself into a cheesy, condescending, predictable knockoff. I really felt sorry for those little girls who did such a good job in the lead roles, and I felt sorry for Ellen Burstyn, and I felt sorry for ME most of all. THE DELIVERANCE has a similar problem where all the good faith built up in the first half begins to evaporate as soon as the exorcism element is introduced and it becomes a full-blown FX movie. And I mean, you can have BOTH a convincing drama AND a wild FX movie, THE EXORCIST III proves this in spades, but in THE DELIVERANCE, the bridge is out.

Lee Daniels has blamed Netflix for boosting the horror hokum so high, and I find that pretty believable; the exorcism scenes feel like they're from a completely different movie. And I don't have too much of a comment to make on Glenn Close's character, which is unusual in popular media--I'd say she's interesting, but I don't know if I'm the right person to analyze this difficult figure who doesn't act the way conservative society expects a white person OR an old lady to act. Luckily, Daniels has made his own comment, directed at the the angry viewers who plugged their ears against the stream of racist obscenities that spew from Close's possessed, pointy-fanged maw:

“Every Black person knows an Alberta. She’s part of the fabric of our community, but we’ve never seen her on screen before. Thank you Glenn for bringing her magnificently to life.”

[ilovebeingaturtle]

Do you have any HC's for the Mondo Geckos of both 2012 and 1987?

EEE okay yeah sure!! This is going to be very disjointed I’m just gonna ramble as things come to my head here goes-

Starting with 87 Mondo and some random headcanons, he absolutely loves bright colours and mismatching clothes. It’s a way for him to really express himself you know? He had to learn to act tough to survive but his neon accessories and hair started as ways of rebellion almost. Once he gets settled, I think Michelangelo lets Mondo rummage around their disguises and take whatever stuff he wants that they don’t use anymore, and then even later on they take him shopping so he gets a whole WARDROBE of tacky clothes to mis and match to his content.

I think Mondo took some time to lighten up to the other turtles like he did with Michelangelo. It probably takes him the longest time to connect with Leonardo, he thinks the leader is too preachy and prissy at first. He might be reformed, but he’s no goody two shoes and I could see some conflict arising from that. Leonardo definitely proves his assumptions wrong though, and Mondo grows to have a lot of respect for him instead.

Him and Raphael have a teasing dynamic, they trade barbs frequently but it’s all in good fun. In the beginning? I could see Raphael being very distrustful of Mondo still, he’d mask it with his sarcasm but Mondo would definitely be able to tell. Raphael thought Michelangelo died because of Mondo, that terrified the turtle, but I think that resentment would be resolved once Raphael sees just how much Mondo cares for Michelangelo too. Mondo adores Michelangelo, so as long as he doesn’t hold a gun to him again, Raphael is more than okay with having someone else looking out for their goofball.

I think Mondo is still very self preservational, not really a hero type, but he’s a sweetheart when it comes down to it. It’s easy for him to maybe make a selfish choice when he has distance to it, but if it’s happening right in front of him his always morals kick in-he’ll do the right thing on impulse every time. Or if Michelangelo asks him to. He still can’t figure out how this guy manages to break his resolve every time...

I think he also likely has a degree of separation anxiety, not that he’d ever admit it. He claims to be a lone wolf but the turtles know he’ll always be nearby or in the area at all times because he doesn’t like the thought of straying too far away from them again. He probably still gets nightmares over being taken away, except nowadays they’re almost worse because he can put faces and personalities to who he might loose. There’s also the fact that he’d grown used to always being around the other criminals and working for Mr X, I think he’d likely feel directionless for a bit. Skateboarding is an escape for him, it’s freeing and he can just let everything else wash away. He can spend hours just skating and getting totally lost in it, whenever he gets overwhelmed or lashes out-the turtles know when he runs off he just needs that alone time with his board first before one of them goes to find him.

Mondo likely doesn’t know how to behave around Splinter at first, his past experience with a parental figure/authority weren’t...exactly pleasant, he’s likely uncharacteristically polite around Splinter because he doesn’t want to risk making him angry or not being allowed to hang with the turtles anymore. Splinter always assures him that’ll never happen though. Splinter probably immediately accepts Mondo as his own, which definitely doesn’t makes the gecko tear up what are you talking about-

I think once Mondo finds out how talented of a driver and motorbike rider April is, he’d think she’s so cool. He’d probably even ask her if they wanted to race at some point, April is a bit distrustful of him still, but warms up to him quick, especially after seeing how her boys have latched onto him. I do think that after the whole Dirk Savage incident Mondo becomes more skittish and distrustful of humans though, to the extent that he doesn’t even really want to be around them anymore. He’s so sick of being used and seen as lesser by them, which is why I actually? Like to imagine he goes to stay with the Punk Frogs for a while after that episode? Imagining their dynamic is just so funny to me, the frogs would be delighted to take him in and Mondo quickly discovers he’d KILL for these silly goobers, they become a little family. I do also like the idea of exploring a potential dynamic he could have with Mona Lisa, but I’ll save talking about those for the fics I’m writing with them.

As for 2012 Mondo, I uh. Honestly don’t like this version very much AHA, he feels too comedic relief-y for me to really connect with him. There’s some potential exploring his dynamic with Xever? But that’s all I got rn, sorry!!!

[nerves-nebula]

Okay all of this 2k12 turtle talk is mildly hilarious as someone who, while grew up watching 2k3 and even the 2k7 movie before 2k12 popped up and I irregularly caught it on the TV, still found myself drawn to those turtles the most BECAUSE of abusive dynamics that resonated with me.

I haven’t watched Rise yet (gotta do that at some point !), to preface. But since I was a kid I was definitely aware of abuse within the 2k12 family simply because I interpolated my own interpretations to situations beyond their reach to match my own lived experience yknow? Like you said, creating art to make something of your own trauma. I was an angry eldest child who went through ODD and depression+anxiety diagnoses before the ADHD one (and a softcore autism diagnosis, ig? it’s complicated) so of course I was drawn to the way Raphael was angry. Of course I was drawn to the way he lashed out at his brothers and friends emotionally and physically in a way I’ve done a lot. I understood the feeling of being so upset that you want to upset others (particularly authority figures) to make them understand the way you feel, even though you love them. It’s easier to be angry than it is to be sad, too. And of course I was drawn to Leonardo, eldest sibling syndrome incarnate, as I grew into the role of a parent in the household. Of course I disliked Splinter, because those conversations with Leonardo about it all reminded me of my home in a negative way. Discipline, the word, still makes me emotional.

So, I DO think there’s abusive themes in 2k12, but that’s why I liked it. Arguing over how good and bad fictional characters are in earnest has always seemed silly, but to dismiss interpreted abuse as bashing the show or characters is worse imo. (I think people who definitively label characters in the same, unrelenting way to undermine a show, it’s characters, or the fans is equally silly). I don’t know, those conversations struck a chord with me as a 2k12 fan solely due to their dysfunction.

Ahck sorry for the text wall !! Jus wanna add that it’s also why I love YOUR comics and work so much, they’ve helped a lot of people understand and be open about themselves and their experiences and I think you can tell from the asks. Doesn’t hurt to say it though. It helped me, it brings me joy, so thank you! ❤️

still found myself drawn to those turtles the most BECAUSE of abusive dynamics that resonated with me.

NOO Like this is the main reason i was first interested in watching 2012 instead of any of the other iterations after Rise too!!

I understood the feeling of being so upset that you want to upset others (particularly authority figures) to make them understand the way you feel, even though you love them. It’s easier to be angry than it is to be sad, too.

relatable, tbh. when i was younger i CHOSE to be sad instead of angry most of the time. I chose to blame myself and shut down, because I'd never want to put someone through the terror and pain I felt. but then as I grew up i realized just how much it was hurting me and how UNFAIR it all was. And then I realized how much the people hurting me the most DIDNT EVEN CARE.

I'm still distressed tho cause now I have a habit of lashing out at people when I feel like they don't understand, to try to make them feel the way I do. but at the end of the day I don't ACTUALLY want them in tears, I want them to UNDERSTAND my feelings and that's just!! not gonna happen through cruelty!!

Arguing over how good and bad fictional characters are in earnest has always seemed silly, but to dismiss interpreted abuse as bashing the show or characters is worse imo.

vIBEs. good opinions here no notes. Only thing I can add is that I've been given a few accounts of what is CLEARLY character bashing in popular parts of the fandom so I totally get people who get annoyed/skeeved out by it.

Jus wanna add that it’s also why I love YOUR comics and work so much, they’ve helped a lot of people understand and be open about themselves and their experiences and I think you can tell from the asks.

augh you're all such daRLING sweethearts about it. literally don't even worry, I do this for myself for the most part and all the good that comes afterwards is just a happy side effect.

[tmnt-obsessed-ace]

I just read the first SSDF chapter and I already love it!! I started browsing your TMNT 2012 tag (the horrors are way more intense than I remember) and wondered if Leonardo ever mentioned his brothers or father to his sons. It might be painful to remember them since they aren't here, but Leo loves them too much to never bring them up at some point.

I like to think Leo just mentioned them when the Rise boys were super young but now that they're older they don't remember as much. So when they finally meet their turtle Uncles they're kinda mystified for a sec before Rafa pulls them all in for a hug. Of course, this happens later down the line once everything with Shredder and Leo start to settle down.

Sorry for the large ask, I just really love this AU.

(I roll in large asks like catnip never apologize for them)

As for Leo...

He did talk about his old family to his kids, especially when they were very young but he kept things very very VERY vague for two reasons.

One he is very much aware that he is in an alternate universe raising alternate versions of him and his brothers, and he doesnt know he could unintentionally fuck up space time or something by revealing too much.

And Two it was too painful to think about. Because if he started getting more specific then he would be thinking about them again, which would bring back the loneliness and his own grief that he'll never be able to go home or see them again. Then that rapidly gets worse and worse until he's in a full on depressive episode (with some added suicidal ideation) and considering he had four very small children that were entirely dependant on him, he couldn't afford to get lost in his own head. He needed to stay present and aware. (Because bottling up the bad feelings and or ignoring them is totally a good way to deal with severe depression and anxiety. That wont have any unforseen consequences at all)

As for the reunion...there isnt gonna be any hugging for awhile. Considering that in the span of a single night:

The fam get yoinked to the 2012 dimension

They all get SEPARATED in the 2012 dimension

The events of Requiem happen

2012 Splinter BARELY survives

Leo finds out just how little time actually passed in his home

Leo has a massive mental breakdown

And then Leo impulsively runs off to go kill The Super Shredder

And its not like they get a break afterwards when the Super Shredder gets killed, because then they all have to go back to the Rise dimension and stop Leo's estranged daughters from starting a full blown Civil War in the Hidden City.

Then the reunion between Leo and his daughters

Its gonna be awhile for any actual hugging or introduction can happen.

Lmfao

[side-effect-alien]

For the introject ask game: 2, 3, 6, 10, 13

2: Are you comfortable talking about your source?

Yeah! My source is probably the body's favorite show so I love talking about it!! :)

3: What's your favorite thing about your source?

Probably just how good the storyline was and all the characters! Ik I'm biased but collectively Leo is our favorite in the show. We also just love how many iterations there are and how unique each of them are! We're really excited to watch Rise next (and also slightly scared to)

6: Is there someone specific you're looking for or would like to interact with?

Honestly, just my dad or any of my uncles would be great! My system has no internal communication so I can't talk to anyone within my own system :( I've also never met my grandfather, so that would be cool too!! (Btw this includes other iterations, not just 2012 TMNT!! Leo and I both love interacting with sourcemates)

10: What do you have in common with your source?

Well that's kinda hard to answer since.. I don't exist in my source at all! So unfortunately I don't really have anything to compare myself to! Closest thing I could compare myself to is Leo as I split off of our system's fictive of him. In which that case the most common thing I have with (canon) Leo is probably our system's knife collection

13: Favorite memories?

This is gonna be a long one, so I'm putting it under the read more!

Well, while I don't have source memories, my favorite memories from fronting in the system is probably from the night I was created. I was confused and didn't know who I was. I was worried I was faking it and was feeling lots of self-doubt. Luckily, my dad's (Leo's) friends were staying the night at the same time I split so they were there to help assist me. They saw it happen and were giving us our space and comforting us through it

It was a very disorienting time. Dad had been disassociating a bit throughout the day due to high stress and anger (worse than any of us had ever seen in the past) and I guess eventually it just became too much for our system. Our friends noticed something was off and we weren't really able to speak much due to what was happening. We just gave a short response like ".....I think I'm disassociating..." and curled up in on ourselves. After awhile it finally ended and I was able to tell something felt... off... My- well- being felt different than dad's

As I was pretty much just born, I didn't know anything about myself at the time. My gender, name, what I looked like or even what species I was. To help ground me and give me a sense of identity our friends gave me a temporary name to go by and helped calm my anxieties. (Now I call them my moms as a half-joke!) They even confirmed that they could tell something about me seemed much different about how I acted and my personality than Leo, who was just previously fronting

Once I calmed down and the disassociation started to fade a bit, I started off with trying to just draw myself. Not even thinking about it, just letting my pen flow on it's own and see where it takes me. That resulted in this drawing right here!

This partially led to my theory that I was split off of Leo. I still felt like I was a turtle, I still felt connected to TMNT 2012. But, I didn't feel like him, despite feeling like I shared his consciousness and memories. Something was just wrong. Sometimes this could just be a case of a headmate disassociating, but the feeling never went away. I even tried to post on his blog as him, but it just didn't feel right. Sometimes I still hijack it, but never actually pretend to be him. I always make it clear that it's me posting. I always feel a need to make a distinction

As time has gone on I've slowly begun to learn more and more about myself and the differences between us. Sometimes it gets hard to tell which of us is fronting since we feel somewhat similar, but I'm beginning to tell what makes us unique. I think this connection between me and him is what made me see him as a father figure. His anger, his stress, it's what caused us to split. And when we did, I still ended up being similar to him and taking his memories. I don't know if he'll see me as his kid or not, but I see him as my dad. I may only technically be 4 days old, but there's so much I've learned about myself already and more I'm excited to learn!

[random-lil-illing]

Okay so I just got an ide for a ROTTMNT/TMNT 2012 crossover fanfic but I'm shit at writing so uhm here's the idea if anyone wants to write it. If you do write it please credit me/tag me/message me lol. You don't have to ask for permission just like, make sure I know about it/can read it thamks

Anyway, the actual idea is as follows:

Okay okay so it's set post-movie (like a few months later ) and everyone's recovering and healing their trauma and all that right? So they're all doing pretty ok but Leo's doing like worse than the others ptsd/mentally-wise and is very wary about like the concept of time/dimension travel.

So, Raph, Mikey and Donnie, being the good brothers they are, don't being up the topic around him, but they talk about it when he's not around cuz Donnie's making a multi-dimensional gun because since he's proved time travel, he also wants to prove dimensional travel.

Anyway so he finishes the gun, right? And so he takes his brothers (minus Leo) to test it out somewhere secluded. And it works!! And alternate veraions of him, his brothers, April, Splinter and even Casey (all 2012 mind you) come through the portal!! And everyones confused and excited so they introduce themselves and clear everything up and all that. So then the 2012 gang turn around to go home but the portal closed and the gun's not working for whatever reason. Shit.

Raph offers they stay with them, and then Mikey reminds them of Leo and everyone (-2012) is like 'Oh shit what are we gonna do'

And so they decide on a plan. The 2012 gang are going to stay in their lair until they find a way to send them back and tell Rise! Splinter about it, but make sure Rise! Leo, under NO CIRCUMSTANCE, finds out.

And the whole fanfic is them trying to navigate life while keeping the 2012 gang a secret from Rise Leo

In the end (think like a month more or less later) Leo finds out and freaks out but like a week later Rise Donnie sends them back to their universe so yeah. The Rise gang did get the 2012 gang's phone numbers tho so possible chatfic about that too??? Idk

Alyo since we're here basic headcannons about the Rise and 2012 gang!!

Rise:

Raph: -Oldest at 16 (I like to think the movie happened a year after the show)

-Genderqueer, He/She pronouns, any terms (Fem, Masc, GN), AMAB

-Likes women (technically not straight)

-anywhere between 6'10 and 7'5

-ADHD and Anxiety

-Mom friend/sibling

Donn: -Second oldest at 15

-Nonbinary, They/It/Tech, GN/Masc terms, AMAB

-Aroace or nblw (Non-Binary love women) can't decide

-6'4

-Autism and Social Anxiety

-Very sarcastic

Leon: -Second youngest at 15 (He's the younger twin)

-Transmasc, He/They and possibly Star/Starself, GN/Masc terms, AFAB

-Gay, the closet is made of glass (dating Usagi)

-6'2

-ADHD and Insomnia

-Flamboyant af

Mike: -Youngest at 14

-Genderfluid, if you don't know then use They/Pizza/Sparkle/Brush, terms depend on what they feel like that day but if you don't know use GN terms, AMAB

-Panromantic Ace

-5'10

-ADHD and a bit of Autism

-Therapist friend but at the same time unhinged friend

April: -19 y.o

-Female, She/They, Fem and GN terms, can’t decide whether AFAB or AMAB

-Lesbian, there was never a closet in the first place (dating Sunita and Cass)

-5’6

-Probably ADHD lol

-Chaotic big sister energy

Cass: -19

-Demigirl, Any pronouns, any terms, AFAB

-Lesbian (dating April and Sunita)

-5’8

-OCD and ADHD

-Unhinged and throws hands any chance she gets

Casey Jr: -14

-Questioning but definitely Masc, He/Him pronouns as of now, Masc/GN terms, AMAB

-Questioning but definitely Ace

-5’9

-ADHD and Anxiety

-Has like 3 moms and 2 dads

2012

Raphael: -Second oldest at 19

-Transmasc, He/Him, Masc terms, AFAB

-Straight (dating Mona Lisa)

-5’0

-Anger Issues with a side of OCD

-Angry tiny

Donnie: -Second youngest at 19 (they’re quadruplets)

-Non-Binary, They/He, GN terms, AMAB

-Bisexual (dating his Casey)

-5’6

-ADHD and OCD

-Wants to be unhinged but his Leo wont let him

Leo: -Oldest at 19

-Bigender, He/She/They, Any terms, AFAB

-Bisexual (And does NOT have a crush on Karai, it was gender envy)

-5’1

-ADHD

-Acts all serious infront of his Splinter but when he’s gone he’s more silly

Mikey: -Youngest at 19

-Genderfluid, if you dont know then They/Pizza pronouns and GN terms, AMAB

-Aroace

-4’9

-ADHD and Autism

-Chaotic af

April: -19

-Girl, She/Her and sometimes They/Them, Fem terms, AFAB

-Bisexual

-5’2

-Bit of Autism

-She’s either done with the Turtles’ shenanagins or she’s doing the shenanagins no inbetween

Casey: -20

-Transmasc, He/Him, Masc/GN terms, AFAB

-Bisexual (dating his Donnie)

-5’8

-ADHD

-Super chaotic lmao

I don’t have enough headcannons for the Splinters for them to have their own category but basically:

Gender/Pronouns: -Rise! Splinter - Man, He/Him, AMAB

2012! Splinter - Man, He/Him, AMAB

Sexualities: -Rise! Splinter - Bisexual

2012! Splinter - Straight

Heights: -Rise! Splinter - 3’5

2012! Splinter - 6’1

Anyway thats it lol, make sure to tell me where I can find your fic of this if you decide to write it (or any animations/drawings of it either) <3

peace y’all

[maraudersbutmuggle]

The hole you left

Content Warning: Depression, Psychological Abuse, Bad Parenting. London, July 27th, 2012 Regulus woke up late. Nobody woke him up like they used to. He looked at his clock. He started to panic. What about his routine? Surely Mr. Vance would arrive soon for his piano lessons... But then, Regulus remembered what had happened last night. Sirius left. Sirius was gone. Regulus felt a chill run through his body. Regulus tucked into his covers. He didn't feel like doing anything today. Even if he felt guilty of not doing anything and missing all his activities. Sirius probably wouldn't care. Where was Sirius? Was he okay? Regulus sat down and picked up his laptop. He opened Facebook. Surely Potter would know something. Surely Sirius was with him. Regulus began to type some message to James. But then he regretted it. Regulus had always known Sirius prefered James more than him. Sirius was happy and laughing when Regulus saw him through the halls of Hogwarts, with his friends. Sirius wasn't like that with Regulus. Not anymore at least. Each time that Regulus had tried to talk to him, he was in a bad mood. They used to be best friends as children. Not anymore. And Regulus missed his brother. Regulus walked to his window and opened it. He craved a cigarette. Barty had taught him how to do it last term. Regulus had found it relaxing. But Regulus had smoked for the first time with Sirius. The previous summer at Marbre Noir. The castle was too big for their parents to notice. Regulus remembered how Sirius laughed when he coughed. "You'll get used to it" he had said KNOCK, KNOCK. Regulus jumped and turned off his cigarrette, tossing it through the window. "I'm awake" "Time for breakfast sweetheart" Regulus' mother sounded cheerful. She was in a good mood. Regulus frowned. He didn't understand how. Sirius was gone. And Regulus was in a bad mood. Regulus got dressed and prepared to go downstairs. But unfortunately, Sirius' room was on his way. The door was half-opened. Regulus didn't want to get in. But he had to. Sirius' room was a mess, which provoked Regulus anxiety. He hated mess. Regulus had to have everything in order. "Bloody tosser" he murmured Regulus stared at the posters on the wall. Rock bands, Naked girls on motorbikes. Even a few of his drawings. "You said you were gay, is it true?" Regulus sighed and got out of there before his anxiety got worse. Regulus let out of some breath. He didn't like not having Sirius around. He was always around. Lately in a bad mood. But he was there. Regulus wondered if he would ever see him again. Regulus climbed down the stairs. "Mother..." he would ask her to bring Sirius back, she could do it. Maybe make Orion apologize. Walburga was in the back yard. The Blacks only had breakfast there on good days and special occasions. Today it was neither. "Why are you eating here?" Regulus was feeling overwhelmed by the constant change. Walburga ignored him. Instead she smiled. "Good morning, sweetheart" she said "Come sit down. What do you want for breakfast? Pancakes? Pancakes are your favorite" "Okay..." Regulus sat down. His mother was smiling brightly. "Samantha... Pancakes for Regulus and a coffee for me" "Yes madam" Samantha bowed. "I am confused" Regulus said "Sirius is gone. Why are you happy?" Walburga's smile disappeared. "He left, Regulus. What do you want me to do, cry?" "I cried a lot yesterday. I'm sad, because I miss him, aren't you?" Walburga was silent for a while "I'm sad too. But I am mostly angry" "Why?" Walburga turned to face Regulus. She stroked his hair gently. "I want you to understand something, darling" she began "Sirius left because he wanted to. He'd never liked it here" Regulus didn't answer. "Did we kick him out last night?" "No. He left" "Exactly" Walburga smiled "But because Orion hit him" Walburga turned to look at Samantha who was serving them. Samantha seemed uncomfortable. When Samantha left, Walburga spoke again. "Is better if you don't tell the servitude that" she murmured "But it's true" "Your father only hit

Sirius because he was being

bad-mannered" Walburga said louder "You saw that. You saw how Sirius was yelling. He didn't respect his parents" Regulus didn't know how to respond. So he didn't. "Is it true? Uncle Alphard is gay?" Walburga sighed and nodded "I saw him kissing boys on various occasions. It is true" "I don't mind it" Regulus answered "I don't mind if Sirius is gay too" Walburga got furious. "It's not about that, Regulus" she said "It's about how your brother always prefers everyone more than us, his family. Alphard had been feeling his head with ideas against us. And he is a rebel. You know how he drives me insane" Regulus had seen Walburga cry many times because of Sirius. He hugged her. He had comforted her. Walburga had told Regulus how much she loved Sirius. About how he was impossible to manage. How she tried so hard to get along with him, but he didn't let her in. "Do you like him, mother?" Walburga's eyes filled with tears. "Of course I like him" she answered "He is my son. Just like you" Regulus believed Walburga liked Sirius. It was Orion who was a bad guy. Regulus didn't like his father. "Sirius prefers that woman, though" Walburga continued "Euphemia Potter. She is the 'perfect mother' for him. And he prefers that Potter kid over you. You know that, right?" That was true. Regulus hated it. It hurt him. "We are gonna let him have 'his perfect family' then" Walburga spatted "See if he doesn't miss us" Regulus wanted to yell. "Can I talk to him at Hogwarts?" "If you wish" Walburga nodded "But I doubt he would want to talk to you" "I'm angry..." he said "I know sweetheart, I am angry too" "This is bullshit!" "It is bullshit indeed" Walburga smiled "Now eat your pancakes before they get cold" "I'm not hungry" "Okay" Walburga said looking through her phone "Also don't tell any of your friends the real reason Sirius left, okay? We'll invent an excuse" "What are you doing, mother?" "Deleting all the pictures of Sirius" Regulus blinked. "If he wants to erase us from his life, then I'll do the same" Regulus stood up. He was definitely not hungry. He just needed a break. Regulus' temper was boiling up. The thing was that he wanted his brother back. But Walburga was right. He always prefered the Potters. None of this would've happened if Sirius would have stayed put last night, like Regulus had told him. But Sirius always needed to make a mess. Sirius always provoked everyone. Maybe he was planning on leaving all along. And he had left Regulus alone. Regulus hated change. And now he had to forget about Sirius. A very important part of his life. Regulus got to Sirius' room. He clenched his nails on his palm. He was furious. Sirius was a mess. And Regulus was furious. "FUCK YOU SIRIUS!" he yelled to nowhere. Sirius prefered James Potter. And Regulus was furious. He began tossing everything to the floor, breaking everything he found, destroying everything. "Aaaaaaaah!!!" Sirius had abandoned Regulus. And Regulus was furious. After his outburst, Regulus collapsed to Sirius' bed exhausted. He hugged Sirius' pillow. Sirius wore too much cologne. And Regulus missed him. Tears ran down Regulus' cheeks. "Fuck you, asshole" Regulus cried "Why did you leave me?" For Sirius, his friends were his everything. For Regulus, Sirius was his everything. His best friend. Not Barty. Sirius. And now, Regulus had lost him forever. Regulus broke down crying.

[jademakean]

Clouded Sea

JJ Maybank x Routledge!Reader

Warnings: Death, Thalassophobia.

Not edited

･*:༅｡.

It had been a while since your brother’s disappearance. You don't recollect how you reacted to the newfound information, in the beginning, your overwhelmed mind blocking out the details. What you do remember is how you spent days in your room mourning until you snapped out of your trance.

Just because they didn't find the boat doesn't mean they aren't alive.

It's John B, he knows how to get out of difficult situations.

He's okay

Of course, your slight change in attitude received attention from unwanted locals, you seemed more eager to leave the house, you didn't cry anytime you came back to the Routledge house, there weren't dark circles under your eyes anymore and it wasn't too long before they understood what you began speculating.

Delusion ran in the family

The pogues were the ones to understood your situation the quickest. On the rare location, John Bs name was mentioned, you spoke of him as though he were still alive. Barely phased by the fact that your brother wasn't around anymore. They also noticed how you'd run off right home to check the mail after hanging out with them.

At that point they began to pity you, believing that you were in denial and becoming obsessed-which you were- they discussed it amongst themselves trying to finds ways to bring you back to reality.

JJ was a different story, he became more distant and quiet. Mostly hanging at his house with his god-awful father. Doing his best at ignoring you because you'd just remind him of his second greatest loss.

As time went on you got some clarity on your surroundings. JJ behavior mostly.

You weren't sure how to approach him at first, he must be having his own battles that didn't need to be brought up, maybe he'd shut you out even more if you tried to ask him how he felt. So you decided to be casual.

You remembered how you had asked him to teach you how to surf before John Bs disappearance. You never learned how  because of your fear of the ocean, and it had gotten worse due to this past event. 

Sweat began to gather on your forehead due to the blazing sun up above. You readjusted you loose shirt, hiding your plain bathing suit. You knocked on the metal door, nervously waiting for who you were looking for and as you were about to knock a second time, a very tired JJ appeared with squinted eyes as the light hit his face.

The air left your lungs momentarily. You hadn't seen his face in a long while but he was here now, in front of you.

You snapped put of it when he whispered your name "What are you doing here?"

Taking a deep inhale, you smiled charmingly. “I came over to get you. You promised me you'd teach me how to surf last year, remember?” It was your fault for holding the plans back for so long, the thought of swimming above water clouded with sand was terrifying to you.

You walked past him, grabbing the beach towel on the floor and some sunscreen. “Right now?”

You answered with a smile “Of course! Better sooner than later. I'm tired of holding our plans off, we should just get it done and over with.”

“That's not what I mean.”

You stopped rummaging through the towels. It was easy to tell my the sound of his voice that he was still struggling immensely, it was also laced with confusion on how you aren't in the state of mind he is now.

“There are barely any waves today. I checked and there aren't many people either, it might be because it's a Wednesday.” You changed the attention the topic was directed to smoothly

“Y/n..”

You interrupted him by grabbing his hand, leading him to where his surfboard was abandoned for these past weeks. “Lets go, the sun is about to set.”

As you previously mentioned moments before, the sea was still. The sun warmed up everything beneath it, almost making you excited to get in the chill water.

Once you reached the shore line JJ began making little mountain of sand beside you “What are you doing?”

“You have to practice on sand before trying the real thing." He sighed.

“Actually-” you caught his eyes “-I was thinking that maybe you could help me get more comfortable with being in the water? I feel like that's the overall most basic step, you know?” You laughed lightly trying to cover up the anxiety spiralling in your head.

And thats what happened for the next few days. You started off small, allowing the water to reach your knees then moved on to mid thigh, and that alone lasted about 20 minutes. However, you didn't mind. You were able to talk to JJ more, which was hard.

It seemed like there was something on his mind that was one fake smile away from being revealed.

You both began meeting by the beach at 4:P.M, you'd stay for a few hours before he'd start help u balance yourself on the pile of sand with his surfboard.

It was all going well. You were always a quick learner when you got excited over something. JJ on the other hand seemed to become slightly closed off, like the only thing set on his mind was to teach you surf and nothing more. Limeted physical contact, no unessesary comments, no jokes.

Oh, how much you missed jokes. You hadn't heard one from him since your brother's disappearance. Your hopes of peeping one from him was slowly dimming away.

"Alrighty! I think I'm ready to sit on the board, maybe go farther out this time. A two in one." You smiled. While pulling down your shorts you decided to keep your shirt on. You excitedly took JJ's hand before guiding him to shore.

The water was cold, as usual, but you didn't feel as hesitant to enter it like before. It was an improvement that you were glad to notice.

Since you had a later shift at work it was already 7:50 P.M and the sun was starting to set, making the sky was a beautiful mixture of gold and blue.

You snapped out of your trance once you felt JJ's hands on your waist.

You were suddenly flustered by his action, and even though he was just helping you get on the board, he hadn't been very physical with you those past days. His a action was simply unexpected.

"Thank you." You said sitting up straight.

There was complete silence between the both of you. The only sounds heard was the waves clashing together gracefully, peoples distant voices and seagulls flying over their heads. This was the normal routine between the two of you, no talking, just the patiently waiting for your fear to disintegrate into ashes until you're able to swim without a care in the world, just like all the Pogues.

You missed them, truly.

There weren't anymore meatups at the Chateau or watching them surfing from your spot in the sand, sunbathing while drinking fresh juice.

"Do ya want to make plans with the gang? We could eat dinner at the diner, and maybe sleepover my hous-"

"What is wrong with you."

JJ interrupted you with a harsh tone, causing your smile to falter. "What do you mean?" You asked, calmly adjusting your body so you could sit with both of your legs on one side of the board.

"You know exactly what I mean." He looked into your eyes this time. And it's now that you have no choice but to look at his face that you notice the dark undereyes, dry lips and messy hair.

He wasn't taking proper care of himself, he probably couldn't if he tried. It was obvious your brother's disappearance took a toll on him. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?" You asked, slightly afraid of his answer.

"How are you so okay with everything. I remember when you were locked in your room for weeks on end, and one day you just- came out. I didn't even see you and from what I heard it seemed impossible to be true. But then you just showed up at my door with no warning, with this big smile on your face and- I don't understand. He's your brother." His tone became more exasperated as he let out all the words that had been running through his mind.

"JJ, I'm not gonna stay sad all summer just because John be isn't here. I'm sure he wants me to do what makes me happy and keep taking care of myself. Plus, he's-"

"Stop talking about him as if he's alive!" JJ interrupted once again "He's dead, don't you understand? He's not coming back, or gonna send you some letter. He's dead."

His harsh tone made you feel as though he was purposely trying to hurt you. The worst part is that that's not the case. He's trying to make you see what he sees. "He's not dead."

There was a slight pause, he looked at you as if you were crazy.

"He's not. There's no body, so until I see one he's not dead. He's smart. He's got Sarah, they got away from the police and are probably in some island enjoying themselves."

"You've gotten comeplety insane! Do you hear yourself? You sound exactly like him when your dad disappeared, and you know damn well how that went."

His hurtful words ignited anxiety within your heart, making it feel heavy and sensitive. You were starting to feel too much and you didn't know how to stop it.

"I know he's alive! You'll see. He's gonna send some sort of signal, ofcourse we couldn't just show up out of nowhere when the police is looking for him. Since when does a disappearance automatically mean they died?"

JJ's eyes darkened, he was done with this game. He had to witness JJ obsess over his dad's disappearance only for him to be hit with utter disappointmen, he wasn't gonna allow the same to happen to you. "Face it. Your brother's dead, there's nothing you can do to change that."

His words hit you like a wave, his harshness making the agonizing emotion worse than ever thought possible.

It was so hard to keep hoping. It was exhausting.

"I don't wanna be alone"

Your words came out quiet and shaky. Once JJ looked back at you he took notice of the fact that your eyes were casted down, glossy and relaxed to the point where it seemed as though there was no emotion behind them.

The thought of not being able to hug your brother again- not having anymore long converstation about your future or simply seeing him from afar as he tried to outsurf JJ- was a thought that you refused to accept. However, you had begun douphting yourself and JJ finally saw through that crack.

His tense shoulders dropped, guilt sinking in knowing you were hiding the way you truly felt deep down.

"He's not dead, okay?"

JJ gazed at your expression swallowing the shame building up your throat before nodding his head. “You're right, he's not dead.”

He slowly approached you and got between your legs, wrapping his arms around you. “He's not dead.” You collapsed against him, resting your cheek against his collarbone.

Teardrops fell onto his golden skin, the feeling resulted in a shiver, running through his body as he hugged you tighter.

John Bs disappearance was harsh on everyone who truly knew him, and some learned how to hide it better than others. All that everyone slowly began understanding is that you were all one family and should watch out for each other.

“Do you wanna go grab a bite?”

You could almost laugh at his poor attempt to be casual, but you settled with a smile, pulling away from him while wiping your own tears with your arm.

JJ ran his thumb underneath your eye before kissing your forehead. “Come on, we can listen to Bob Marley on the way there if you want.” He snickered as he guided your surfboard towards the beachfront. You sighed, liking the feeling of the water moving underneath you as he pulled you to shore, observing the fish beneath you.

The sun had already set and all that was leftover of the sky was a pinkish-blue.

You could finally feel the sand beneath your feet. You watched as JJ walked off, grabbing his bag and shirt.

“Here.” He tossed over his top and your flip-flops as he slid in his. “Arent, you gonna be cold?” You asked knowing the shit that laid in your hands was the only one he had.

“What, would you prefer to walk around in your soaking wet shirt? Because I think that'd do more damage to your health than me going shirtless.” He teased with a raised brow.

You paused for a second allowing the realization that you are in fact soaking wet to sink in “Yeah you're right. Suffer.” Your approving sentence got a laugh from him.

You gaped at him. This was the first time you heard him laugh ever since go started talking to him again.

A smile made its way to your lips “Alright, I'm ready.” You stated after pulling a new shirt over your body. “My tapes are in the outside pocket.”

He pulled out the Bob Marley cassette from the bag before sharing an earbud with you. You accepted, untying your dry hair and finally setting it free.

The walk was peaceful, a comfortable silence falling over the both of you. The smell of pinewood from the trees was calming as you walked past the forestry area of the island.

You and JJ would always use this path after a beach day with the pogues. You would separate yourselves from the group so you could discuss about his job, home life, aspirations. Those were all things he never felt very safe discussing about with anyone but you. John B knew, but they didn't have the sort of relationship where they could switch to sensitive topics easily.

JJ liked how listened. You didn't look at him while he talked about such things, knowing he would feel intimidated by your gaze. The way your body slightly turned to him to show that you were paying attention. Most of all how you communicated with him first. When discussing about his father, you would ask if he needed a listener, a solution, or comfort.

Most of the time he would ask for you to simply allow him to rant, however, there were many times where he would ask for you to comfort him, just so he could receive the soothing sensation of embracing you tightly.

During every hug you shared, we're mere seconds of pure relief, relief that there was someone out there who knows about every aspect of his life and is yet to view him as weak.

“I’m really glad you got me put of the house. I hadn't surfed ever since he disappeared.”

It was as if the path you were on gave him the courage to speak with confidence. “And I'm sorry I was so harsh on you. I didn't mean to. I've just been feeling so much and I got so frustrated when you didn't seem as miserable as I am, I should've never been so insensitive.”

You knew he had a hard time apologizing to people, it made him feel vulnerable and he wants to have the upper hand in every situation. He likes being in control to compensate for the how much of it he lacks at home.

You looked over at him before smiling. “I love you too, JJ.” You ruffled his hair playfully before hugging his side as you walked.

JJ returned your smile, grateful for the fact that you resorted to a light-hearted response instead of a heavy one.

Time passed quickly and before you knew if you had arrived at the Chateau. JJ took a deep breath, his nerves increasing. He hadn't seen any of them, just as he hadn't seen you during those long weeks. How would they react seeing him there, let alone seeing the both of you together with smiles on your faces.

You squeezed his hand gently. An encouraging gesture to give him some strength.

You led him inside, the yellowish lights contrasted the night sky beautifully and as you both sat around the wooden table, you removed the earbud from your ear, which prompted him to follow your actions.

“JJ?” You heard Kie from behind you. Once you turned to face her she looked as though a miracle just occurred before her eyes.

Before your brain could acknowledge she dropped her notepad and hugged you both with the strength of an amazonian. “I missed you guys.” she mumbled into your hair.

As you were about to respond you felt more weight on you “We missed you guys.”

You giggled, now aware that it was Pope who was crushing you.

It had been so long since you had all shared such a heartfelt embrace, and you weren't going to let each other go for a while. You were all family. No matter how far you are or how long you don't speak to each other. This is what a true family was, and soon enough you were all going to be together again, as one.

“We missed you too.”

[what-if-nct]

since nobody is doing this i’m just gonna pick 5 random number with the help of my trusty siri bot!

108, 138, 116, 22, 55

108. What should you be doing? Honestly eating more all I ate were my sister's leftover fries and like two perogies, I'm still hungry but like I just don't feel like eating more. I should though.

138. Curly or Straight hair? Wayv, cause I'll be honest I do not like my natural hair texture because it's just difficult and I don't feel it suits me but I don't like bone straight hair on me either. So I do perm it straight but make it like loosely curly cause I need volume. me with pin straight hair just looks worse than slightly wavy.

116. Are you listening to music right now? Yes! I'm listening to Carrie Underwood, no one writes songs about killing fathers and husbands or destroying personal property like Carrie Underwood. I thank her for he contribution to society. If you listen to one country music singer it's Carrie Underwood, and Miranda Lambert, and Kacey Musgraves and The Band Perry and of course Dolly and Reba!! Just listen to female country singers they're the only good thing about country. I do like Luke Bryan, Florida Georgia Line and Jason Aldean but like thats the exception.

22. Where would you like to travel?

Ireland, England and Australia. I've always wanted to go to Ireland, Australia and England ever since I was a kid. Remember when people were Teaboos during the great british youtuber take over in 2012 to 2015. Okay kinda me. But like there's a fairie festival in england I really want to go to. Also during my "goth phase" I ordered so many things from a shop based in England. I like goth music but I can't in good faith ever call myself goth. Ireland and Australia just looks so beautiful and I've hear Ireland is one of the most welcoming countries. And my anxiety is really bad, so that really makes me happy.

55. Favorite blog?

I don't really have a specific one like all of my favorite ones are all either Lana Del Rey or like Coquette, Pink, y2k, kind of blogs. like I dont even remember urls I just go off vibes.

[remmushound]

Hello! I have another request. Could you do a story where 2012 Donnie decides to use the Rise!Turtles' weapons for a test drive without their permission? I imagine 2012 Donnie trying to figure what kind of materials it has in order to create the mystic weapons and testing it out. But then things goes wrong and he attempted to fix it but can't. Bet the Rise!Turtles won't be so happy at Rise!Donnie's counterpart for taking their weapons without their permission.

@assanmaharielsreblogs

He had to get a better look at them. I mean, when else was he gonna get a chance like this one? In his world there was no magic— there was tech far behind his understanding, sure, but that was still tech. Tech that someone engineered, using their own knowledge, for a specific purpose. But here? It was all over the place! Just one patrol using Donatello’s goggles had keyed him into hundreds of mystical hotspots all around the city! He had seen their weapons in action, but he needed to see them closely— in controlled settings under a microscope! To see the inner workings and try to replicate them! If he could get his hands on that kinda tech, then he and his brothers would be unstoppable! And these guys were just using them like toys! Well, not on Donnie’s watch!

Michelangelo’s kusari-fundo had been a difficult thing to snatch. The box turtle was sleeping with the thing on his bed, hugging the weapon like it were a toy. If Donnie hadn’t known better, he’d have said the blades looked almost soft. Michelangelo snored just like Donnie’s Mikey did, tucked under a soft, fluffy comforter and dressed in an orange unicorn onesie. Mikey shared the bed with him (as did Leonardo with Leo and Raphael with Raph), but the older box turtle was sleeping like a rock.

Donnie carefully pried the tool from Michelangelo’s grip with the skill and delicate touch of a true ninja, quickly replacing it with a stuffed animal. Michelangelo gave a soft groan at the disturbance, but quickly hugged the toy as he settled once more. Donnie grinned and looked at the weapon in his hand. Staring into the slick, painted surface, Donnie almost thought he saw an eye staring back at him. He quickly shook his head, looked back, and the eye was gone. Just his mind playing a trick. Leonardo was next.

******

“What are you doing?”

Donnie almost screamed. “Wha— what are you doing awake?!”

Leonardo crossed his arms and glared, his face remarkably bare without his mask and only slightly stifled by a blue nightcap.

“I’m a ninja with crippling insomniac tendencies— sue me.” Leonardo said calmly. “What are you doing with my sword?”

“Uh.” Donnie glanced between Leonardo and the katana he was holding, “nothing?”

“Nothing?” Leonardo scrutinized with a piercing gaze that seemed to call Donnie out in his lie

Donnie hesitated, then sighed. He gave a light laugh and ran his hand across his head. “S-sorry! Just panicked. Other Donnie wants to uh. See if he can use some of the mystic energy from your katana to reverse-engineer a rift for us to get home— me and my brothers, I mean.”

“Ooookay.” Leonardo’s eyes betrayed his distrust, but he didn’t say a word against it, “just ask next time, okay?”

“Yeah. Will do.”

********

Getting the Tonfa from Raphael was nerve wracking. Access to Donatello’s staff was easy— Donnie already had permission to examine and admire its inner workings, so his touch was programmed into the systems anti-theft database as a non-threat. Michelangelo’s kusari-fundo required stealth, sure, and Leonardo’s sword required cunning, but this? This required him escaping with the Tonfa and from the crushing bite of a genetic predator. No matter how calm and content he acted while awake, after that first night’s run-in with savage Raph, Donnie was more than cautious to avoid another similar outburst. Lucky for him, the Tonfa were hung up at a safe distance from the snapper on the wall, and Raphael’s snoring drowned out any noise he might have made.

And just like that, Donnie had everything he needed for a test run. Of course, he was far more skilled with the familiar bō staff than with any of the other weapons (past experience had taught him just how difficult learning a new weapon could be, nevertheless mystic ones), so naturally Donatello’s bō was the first one to try out. Though it itself wasn’t of mystic origin, Donatello had stated many times of the mystic enhancements that made the weapon flourish from a simple multi-tool to what could classify as a weapon of mass destruction.

“Okay...” the staff, despite its greater size to the one he was used to, was surprisingly light in comparison. A quick weigh-in brought it to only fifteen pounds which, given the amount of tech it carried, was an incredible feat. Just how his younger counterpart could manage such a thing seemed almost impossible to the older Donnie’s mind, but that only served to scratch his curiosity even more! There were so many buttons on the shaft he didn’t even know where to start...

He went for the biggest button first out of pure, childish curiosity. This curiosity led to the worse possible outcome as the end of the bō furrowed out and turned into a compact rocket, which turned sideways on itself and shot out sparks of power. Donnie tried to catch himself, but it was too late. Already the power of the launcher dragged him off his feet and forced his unprepared body into a spin. It took his mind a few seconds to catch up with his body and press the same button to withdraw the blaster.

“Note to self... big button bad. Shoulda known that.”

From them on, he was much more careful with his examine. Every press of a button was met with a brace-for-impact in case a similar issue occurred, but he thankfully avoided such an outcome. One button shot a burst of electricity out the opposite side of the bō from where the blaster was, while another button shot two reinforced wings out either side to form a glider. Another button produced a blade on either side of the staff, and another revealed a compartment filled with gauze and alcohol thread and a needle safely tucked into a surgical pouch— an emergency kit, he supposed. He remembered Donatello also having a much bigger one in his battle shell, so this turtle obviously came prepared. Another compartment had a pair of glasses and a bottle of ibuprofen.

“Wow. No such thing as traveling light, I guess.”

He put the bō staff safely to the side before grabbing the Tonfa next. He placed both Tonfa on the table and the first thing he did was examine one of them under the microscope. It was nothing special— just redwood, as far as he could see— albeit old enough to date back to ancient Japan and perhaps even further. Then he put on Donatello’s goggles and looked at the Tonfa through the lenses, which opened up a whole new world of beauty to the normal-looking weapons.

The Tonfa lit up an impossible red, and on the screen appeared the word Muladhara. The red chakra— the root chakra as Donnie knew it best, represented by a red lotus with four petals. Vitality and strength. Instinctual tendencies and the densest of all seven chakras. The more his mind worked it over, the more it made sense. Muladhara was Raphael down to the finest detail. It commands attention and can be forceful at times. The color of passion and love and determination— the color of anger and daring. A color and chakra associated with abandonment and inherited trauma...

Donnie didn’t want to think about it anymore. And he didn’t dare try to activate the weapons knowing their power. He sat them aside and moved onto Leonardo’s katana.

Like the Tonfa, they were nothing special at first glance. Blades made from tamahagane steel common in ancient Japan, and the Tsuka was as unique as every tsuka, covered in ray skin and silken rope, with writing from the first ever wielder of the blade.

Anatawa Hitorijanai... you are not alone.

Under the goggles, another new vision of the mystic weapon opened up for him. The blue chakra of course— Vishuddha. The throat chakra. It took a lot more critical thought than with Raphael’s weapons, but Donnie supposed that the chakra could fit Leonardo. The balance of Vishuddha would speak truthfully, encouraging conversation and relying on self expression. Speaking with confidence and feeling compassion for those around you— communicating your worries even when you were scared to... but an unbalanced Vishuddha with no way to express it could easily lead to the anxiety Leonardo often felt in social settings. Perhaps his chakra was underactive, or blocked completely, by the feeling of something... unfulfilled in his life.

Donnie had more confidence experimenting with the teleporting sword than he did with the Tonfa. He wouldn’t have to go through it himself, he figured— he could just toss something through and study how it worked. He picked up the blade and looked it over before holding it out to the air in front of him. Leonardo had told him that he had to have a very clear image in his mind— no other thoughts clouding it. Any mistake or misthought could lead to an unstable portal, and unstable portals were extremely dangerous. You could get trapped between rifts, or get portal jacked, or end up hundreds of miles away from where you intended! Donnie closed his eyes to better imagine the room in front of him. Every fine detail... every flaw and crack and puddle and crawl space... every bug skittering around and every sound and every smell surrounding him like a cloud of mist.

He traced the blades point through the air and he was sure he could feel some minor resistance, but he kept focusing on the room. Droplets falling on the stone floor... forming puddles...echoing down the tunnels...

He completed the circle and opened his eyes. Immediately he pulled back as the brightest shade of turquoise almost blinded him, and after a moment of shielding his eyes he finally forced himself to look toward the brightness. The circle wasn’t perfect. In fact, the rift itself seemed almost squiggly, as if distorted by water. Distorted, but hopefully functional. Donnie took a pen out of his tool belt and reluctantly approached the portal, resisting against the temptation of its mystic pull and holding out the pen ready to throw it in. Then another thought occurred to him. What if he just…

He dropped the pen. At first the pen made as if it was going to fall but stopped midair by some otherworldly force. Then it was drawn to the portal and through it with a bubbling noise as it disappeared. Then another rift came to existence above Donnie and, before he could do anything more than look up to it, the pen fell out and hit him on the head.

“Ow.” It didn't hurt, but he said it anyway as he picked up the pen and put it back where it belonged. Curious. Very curious…

He took the sword and slashed through the original portal, destroying both it and its awkward counterpart with nothing more than a soft blip as the magic returned to the blade. There, no harm done! Now all that was left was Michelangelo’s.

A long chain, surprisingly rust-free for how far back it dated. The previous owners must have taken extreme care to keep it in the shape it was in. A chain that, despite how flexible and controlled it looked in Michelangelo’s skilled hands, was short and almost stiff in Donnie’s. The weighty was only on one end, as opposed to both as would be used with most kusari-fundo. A round weight with a ring of spikes across it. Donnie gave one point an experimental poke and yelped as it broke the skin and he started to bleed.

“Another note to self— pointy bit sharp.” He examined the serrated edges a bit longer before moving onto the goggle-inspection.

The sacral chakra, as Donnie had expected. Swadisthana, the orange chakra located in the lower belly. Connected to empathy and intimacy, pleasure both sensual and sexual. Creativity, fantasies, feelings. Everything that made up Michelangelo. An imbalance could lead to someone with boundary issues… yes, definitely Michelangelo, Donnie added to himself with a slight snort as he remembered just how clingy and touchy this world’s Michangelo’s was. At least his world’s always directed that touch-hunger to Raph or Leo and not to him.

A carving on the side of the weight caught Donnie’s attention and he spun it around to get a better view. The design was very faint, but it was there. It looked almost like a smiley face with closed eyes, something Donnie figured to have been added quite recently by Michelangelo. But further examination of it showed that the carving was old, as old as the weight itself, and installed by a previous owner. He even doubled and triple checked just to be sure he wasn’t seeing things.

Now all that was left to do was test it out. He had minor experience with chain weapons (the likes of which still haunted him to his day and made him give an uncomfortable shiver) and it wasn’t like he was actually going to fight with it! He was just going to test out the weight distribution and how effective it would be during fights since he had yet to see any of the other-world counterparts in battle.

He grabbed the handle securely, nodding at the nice distribution he was already feeling. He was just about to take a swing when he remembered the goggles still on his face and decided to take them off first, in case they somehow screwed with any of his data. He did so and turned to swing the kusari-fundo once more until something else this time stopped him in his tracks. 

The glow didn't stop. He had taken off the mystic sensors and he tapped his head just to be sure! But the glow didn't stop. The smiling face was a much more prominent yellow against the orange, and Donnie was sure its eyes had been closed before… 

The pupils in the eyes moved to stare at him and Donnie screamed and dropped the weapon in horror as he crawled back against the wall. The weapon pursued. On it’s own with no master or anything physical to command it. It drifted up and it’s living, flaming eyes followed Donnie’s every move. He made an experimental motion toward the door and the weapon made the same motion as it readied to pursue until Donnie returned to his original position.

The thud of approaching feet sealed Donnie’s fate in stone. Seconds later, seven mutant turtles poked their heads into the room, three of them armed and the other four looking confused and concerned by their lack of weapons. 

“Donnie?” Leo tried to make a motion to approach his brother, but quickly withdrew out of the room when the kusari-fundo gave a warning spark. “The hell’s that thing?”

“Sparky!” Michelangelo ran into the room confidently with his arms extended, his brothers spilling in after him.

“Wait, no!” 

Donnie awaited a terrifying assault that didn't happen. Instead, the fiery weapon subsided it’s flame and fell swiftly through the air to land in Michelangelo's arms. Michelangelo cuddled it closely and churred as he covered the tiny face in kisses.

Finally able to breath, Donnie went to part from the wall, but was stopped by a rough hand the size of his plastron.

The anger in Raphael’s eyes was uncanny. “You have a lot of explaining to do…”

[wehatejulietsimms]

A/N: i'm gonna respond to this in sections bc it's quite long so bare with me.

Howdy y’all, 🤠 again. Yes, I didn’t in fact die. I’m sorry though that I kept getting sidetracked and couldn’t submit this until now, my boss decided to keep dumping her work into my lap. So I just wanna preface this by stating that I’m going to try and say what I want to as coherent as possible, but I have pretty severe ADHD so I’m not always as easy to understand as I think I am in my head, and I often go off on tangents, over explain things and circle back to topics randomly without realizing. Im basically going to go over their relationship over the years as I said previously (I’m not gonna go into detail about every single scandal and shitty thing Juliet did over the years, because we’d be here all year. so I figure I won’t cover them here, but rather let people ask specific questions if they want to. Remember, I was present for pretty much everything so feel free to ask.😊), but I’m also going to do kind of a mini deep dive into Andy’s behavior and actions (because although the snakes will hit you with every excuse in the book, and tell you that you’re looking too far into things and that it doesn’t matter, it does. The way a person acts in general and towards people around them is very relevant when talking about someone’s health, happiness, and well-being.) To start off, let’s take it all the way back to the time before Juliet’s reign of terror, when Andy and Scout were still together. In all honesty from what I saw of them together (and I saw pretty much everything they posted, I’m only a year younger than Andy, and I was quite into him when he was on MySpace and such, and I always watched anything with him and Scout together because they were fucking adorable lol) they had a really healthy relationship. Not once did I get weird vibes from them. The way Andy acted toward and with Scout, you could tell they really loved each other and were happy together. They had nothing to prove. It just was normal. (For any of you who are younger, or didn’t come into the picture until Andy was already post-scout and would like to see some videos of them together, you could generally search on YouTube for it, but also there’s a specific channel on there called like bring the milk tea or something that has videos of old Andy blogs and also Andy and scout on stickam and such. Worth a look if you’re curious) They weren’t constantly all over each other like possessive pack dogs *ahem Juliet ahem* and whenever Andy mentioned scout he didn’t need to shower her in compliments. They both seemed very secure in both themselves and the relationship. Super cute. Initially when they broke up it seemed quite odd. I didn’t really expect it. It got even weirder when he states that he and Juliet are together. It didn’t feel like they fit together at all (and no I’m not talking about from a fame or success perspective. At least not yet lol) As I’ve said I got bad vibes from Juliet right from the get go. Andy already seemed to be acting not like himself. (Also snakeys have argued that it’s just that he’s more mature now and that’s why he acts nervous and constantly looks Ike he wants to die. 🙄 maturity doesn’t mean losing your fucking personality and being unhappy most of the time. Jesus Christ.) it seemed like they got possessive of each other and constantly needed to show people how in love they were. Pictures, videos, and fucking public love paragraphs to show they are, in fact, in a super real relationship and they love each other. It also felt like Andy’s family was in on this whole weird charade.They (Chris honestly) started to defend her degenerate behavior and attack anyone who had even a whisper of negative things to say about her or their relationship. It was like watching a group of awkward, pretty mediocre actors put on a play about them being together. (I’ve hit the text limit now, but there will be more that I will write just after I submit this one though, fear not haha. N, you can either post this now or wait until I submit the rest, it’s up to you.) 1 / ? -🤠

A/N: i was here for a lot of it as well so i do remember some of this. although i did join the fandom shortly after him and juliet got together (i joined like around the time she was on the voice) i literally remember hoping that him and scout would get back together bc juliet just rubbed me the wrong way and i didn't know why at the time. & side note i actually do recommend people go look at old videos of andy and scout they were really adorable. there is this one video of them singing (i think a carrie underwood song lol) in the car and it's really cute. but yeah just bc he's older doesn't mean his whole entire personality changes. you can be any age and act however you want. i could even use jenna marbles & julien solomita (a youtube couple) as an example, they've been together for i think like 8 or 9 years and are about the same age as A&J (julien being around andy's age & jenna around juliet's age) & although they can have mature adult conversations and all of that, they still act like idiots and joke around together. neither of them look uncomfortable or are afraid of saying certain things like andy is around juliet. so andy aging doesn't mean shit in regards to his personality doing a 180.

🤠okay, so part two here we go. (Also I apologize if I get the chronological order of anything I talk about incorrect, I’m a bit scattered sometimes and the next ask I make will be the one where I talk about the domestic abuse and I tend to get quite heated, which only makes my brain function worse lol) so the point at which Andy was trying to get fans to go vote for/ support Juliet when she was on the voice seemed really fishy. I’m all for supporting the work of the people you love, but it’s kinda strange how hard Andy was pushing this at the time. Too hard in my opinion. I’m obviously aware that it was helpful in the end and he more or less got what he was asking for. But it was like he absolutely needed people to vote for her. As if he would get in trouble if they didn’t. So around 2012 or 2013 it felt like things really went down the shitter from there and just got progressively worse. (I never knew why for the longest time, but after they revealed that Vegas wedding that happened in about that time frame, it made a lot of sense.) Andy’s behavior began to change towards his fans. There are a lot of accounts of this happening from fans themselves and a lot of people said that 1. It was worse with Juliet around, and 2. a lot of the time it would happen towards females especially. ( I think more towards the “pretty” fans but don’t count me on that, I don’t know for sure.) This was completely night and day. Especially coming from the same man who used to always defend his fans and once stated something along the lines of he would never have a crazy or awkward fan story because he loves and is grateful for all of his fans and he won’t get upset if they’re just really excited. I would understand if these fans crossed the line in some way (like the later incident of fans finding his address and harassing them, which is unacceptable no matter who the people are) but from most if not all of the fan stories I’ve heard, they didn’t. They were being respectful and didn’t do anything to warrant this happening to them besides showing up. Which brings me to my next point, a lot of these negative experiences were caused by Juliet. Either she was the one being mean to people, she was causing Andy to be mean to people on her behalf, or her presence was upsetting Andy to the point that he was angry and started being rude and irritable. What scares me the most are the accounts of Andy having a whole Jekyll and Hyde thing, depending on weather or not Juliet was present. Happy when he’s free of her and miserable when he isn’t. In videos of him where Juliet is behind the camera he always seems nervous and strange. Like he’s afraid to mess up. That’s fucking alarming to say the least. You would think that the last thing one would want to do if another person brings them this much anger, stress, and anxiety, the LAST thing they would want to do is fucking marry them. Right? He literally started barely smiling at one point and really doesn’t anymore. I mean for Christ’s sake look at his wedding photos. What’s suppose to be one of the happiest moments of your life and to quote another anon with a different ask, he looks like he’s being dragged to the gallows. (And I get really fucking Angry honestly when snakeys tries to pass it off as “oh he’s awkward he doesn’t know how to smile” or “omg he’s being dramatic for the aesthetics” in some pictures, yes. But why the fuck would you look like that in pictures with the “love of your life” who you now regularly write cringy paragraphs publicly professing your love and complete adoration for? Andy knows how to smile genuinely. Ffs he used to. He smiled genuinely when he was a kid, he smiled genuinely with scout, and he smiled genuinely when Juliet wasn’t around. He doesn’t smile when she is there, and if he does, it is pretty much always visibly fake.) So I may backtrack a little later, but right now I want to talk about the fact that Juliet IS an abuser. More specifically, the plane incident. (Word limit. TBC.) 2 / ? -🤠

A/N: yes. 100%. when it comes to the wedding photos i will never understand people (specifically snakeys) writing off his behavior as him "just being dramatic for the aesthetics". is that something he would do in photoshoots? yeah. is it something he may do on stage? sure. something he would do in an interview? maybe. but candid shots of him on one of the "happiest days of his life"? wtf no. & idk why people think that.

🤠 Just before I start, again, with the pictures, I really don’t think that Andy is enough of a self absorbed egotistical dick that he would actually sit there and put on the whole “miserable tough guy” act in every fucking photo he takes. Ah yes, the infamous plane incident. So straight up, Juliet exposed herself as an abuser, and brought out every bullshit excuse in the book (and made Andy go along with them) to try to cover it up. 1. She was drunk. Honestly this is total bullshit. I say this same thing when people defend cheating or any other degenerate behavior with the excuse of intoxication and I will say it now. Being drunk does not make you a different fucking person. It does not change the thoughts in your head. What it does do is impair your ability to make decisions and judgement skills in general. It’s the same reason why people drive drunk. It’s routine. Its what they would normally do. And because they’re drunk, they can’t see any reason why they shouldn’t do that. Juliet gets drunk, she and Andy fight, she wants to hit him, and because she’s drunk she doesn’t think that she shouldn’t fucking put her hands on him. 2. She hit him in “self defense” and he broke her ribs.(There’s several points I have debunking this) first of all let’s get this out of the way, no one on that plane (including the very real witness who just so happened to be an adult film actress (I think?) who you so love to discount because of it) saw him strike her or even touch her at any time. Two, you are in fucking airplane seats sitting right the fuck next to each other with an armrest in between. It would be pretty fucking hard to break your ribs unless they were made of actual glass, or Andy’s real name is Bruce fucking banner. Bones are surprisingly strong and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that it’d be damn near impossible for him to do that to you, which brings me to three, if he had broken your ribs you would not be fucking standing up, thrashing around, whining like a little bitch, and oh by the way, continuing to abuse your husband for the second time on that flight. Four, you had a miscarriage. (When I was trying to conceive with my husband it was very difficult. I had two miscarriages before I finally had my son. I’m fully aware of how devastating having one is.) which is why if you are not lying (which I fully believe that Juliet would stoop that low just to get sympathy, especially with this big of a scandal. But I don’t actually have proof of this so I will say that it is just speculation on my part) I don’t fucking care. I am not unsympathetic to her if this did actually happen as I said, however, You do not get to make any excuse for putting your hands on another person out of anger. Ever. I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what kind of stress you are under, I don’t care if you are inebriated in any way and I sure as hell don’t care what the fuck you have between your legs. You do not hurt anyone. Point blank period. Five. You are a woman, you can’t hurt him. This one, actually enrages me. We all know your crusty ass pulled this one out (and threw around trump supporters a few times for good measure) because you know damn well how society and the media views and deals with abusive women. Women can abuse. Women who are shorter or weaker than their target can abuse. The fact that there are people who either don’t know that or don’t agree with that is absolutely baffling. Six. The same (I believe) porn actress. Literally saw you beating your own face with the restraints you had to be put in (which by the way flight attendants only ever use restraints as an absolute last resort when someone becomes a danger to the others on board, so she had to be acting absolutely deranged) to give yourself a bloody nose to claim Andy hit you. Then you proceed to act like a child and tell Andy to call your fucking dad. (Which kinda proves that whole Scientology thing honestly) what in the hell. I stg as long as I am breathing I will never let this go. This is actual fucking domestic abuse. (Word limit TBC.) 3 / ? -🤠

A/N: yeah her hitting him "bc she was drunk" was never a good excuse not only for the reasons you mentioned but, also bc let's be real at no point are you ever going to get served enough alcohol on a plane to make you that drunk i don't care what anyone says. also when it comes to the excuse of him "breaking her ribs" does she forget that andy actually did break his ribs a while ago? i think she even visited him when he was recovering so she should know what kind of pain he was in. & if he actually broke her ribs, there's no way she would have even been able to stand bc i know andy sure wasn't able to. he said it was one of the most painful things he's experienced. (i don't think i need to comment on the rest of this. it would just be redundant. you hit the nail on the head with that.)

🤠 I don’t care if it happened just that one time ore more likely is an everyday occurrence. Abuse is abuse and should never be tolerated. Kind of getting away from the plane thing. Andy always seems, as it’s been said on here before, afraid to mess up. Like he might mess up, and make her mad. A common behavioral pattern in abuse victims. He also at this point and for a decent amount of time before, doesn’t seem like he loves her anymore. Like he keeps up appearances and pretends, but it’s like it’s a job he’s forced to do. He’s tired and burnt out but was probably manipulated into staying and juliet is probably clinging for dear life. Also I don’t know if I’m the only one who thinks this, but I swear, the veganism and sobering up was just a cover up, most likely formed by either Juliet herself or her fucked up family, after the plane incident to hide their tracks and regain some public favor (because you know, if you advocate for animal rights then you can’t abuse your husband 🙃) Andy never gave a shit before though. Even though it was unhealthy he loved to drink and smoke and was very outspoken about that. And he used to never give a fuck about eating meat or consuming animal products like leather. I mean they’re still selling leather goods ffs. I would get having minor fuck ups because you don’t know any better, but it’s fucking leather. And now Andy is unhealthy and miserable as ever, but the culprit is malnourishment and Juliet rather than cigs, alcohol, and Juliet. My final thoughts: I do definitely believe in the Scientology theory, but if not that than I definitely believe that Andy was and is being manipulated for his fame. On several occasions it really looked like they broke up, including the time when they did, and then said it was a joke. It really doesn’t feel normal. Also, Juliet doesn’t really care about Andy that much. She never wears her wedding ring, she sells all their shit, including sentimental items, and now that she’s gained more popularity from being with him, suddenly doesn’t want to put him in her bio or write him the same creepy ass paragraphs or anything. It’s fucked up how shes so keen to say she did it all herself when really she’s been riding dick for fame since before she even met Andy. It also always kinda seemed to me that Amy was kind of uncomfortable around Juliet. We all know that Chris loves to kiss her ass night and day (most likely to do with the Scientology thing “if” it’s true), but Juliet and Amy always seemed to have a weird relationship like it was tense and forced. Also I just want to mention the time that Juliet talked about screaming at the woman over what I believe was a game night and brushed it off as being competitive and no one gave damn. Fucked up. To finish off this already way too long little series, I think Andy is a very vulnerable insecure person who got manipulated by several people (not just Juliet) some of whom he probably really trusted, and they helped to get him in Juliet’s (equally if not more insecure) hands so she could hurt him as she pleases. I truly hope that even now both he, and his parents (even though Chris really grinds my gears) can get out of this whole shit show, relatively unscathed. I know this is probably pretty unlikely, but hope springs eternal I guess. As I said feel free to ask any questions you may have and I will try to answer them best I can. Thank you for reading. 4 / 4 -🤠

A/N: yet again you hit the nail on the head with this part so i don't need to comment too much. other than the fact that i do agree that juliet and amy's relationship does seem weird.

[northwestofinsanity]

80s Rock Bands represented by Deadliest Catch Quotes:

Dokken: "If you're gonna have a calamity, I'd say that's about the best we could call for." -Captain Keith Colburn, Wizard

(note: This may not be the only quote Dokken will get for this. We'll see...)

This quote comes from a more recent season, where a heater in the wall of the Wizard's galley caught fire. The wires got the insulation going, smoke came up and the wall got blackened, but luckily, engineer Roger Schlosstein found it, put it out, and turned the galley breakers off before the fire could take off anywhere. (Of course he disconnected the wires to that one heater before turning the power back on). Keith said the line after that ordeal, with as many things that can go wrong on a boat in the middle of one of the most treacherous seas, and with as many ways that situation could have been far worse (fire is one of the biggest dangers, because escaping a burning boat is extremely dangerous when the water is cold enough to kill someone in three minutes), they got pretty lucky. Worst thing was some singed insulation, and having one of a few heat sources down. Not great with the eventual repair costs and being down a heater in the arctic cold, but *far worse* things could have happened here.

Speaking from the days of my biggest obsession with Deadliest Catch, I'll admit, Captain Keith is not one of my favorites. (Albeit, like George Lynch, his temper has gotten better over the years and he seems to be a better person than he once was, so we've already got *that* for modern day Dokken often reuniting with him for one-off shows). So why would I represent one of my absolute favorite bands with one of my least favorite captains?

It comes down to a point a friend of mine made in a conversation on a Rockfic forum back in 2016 (when I was in the height of my longest-running Dokken hyperfixation following the reunion.) Considering things that have happened with other 80s bands in the same category with Dokken, for as much drama as the Dokken guys had, and for the rough things they did go through, far worse things have happened to other bands in that time period. Sure, they fought with each other, but maybe not on the level of their closest cousin band (Ratt). Sure, some of the guys had problems with drugs. Don would drink to cope with anxiety and panic attacks, and George, Jeff, and Mick had their own problems with alcohol and cocaine. Jeff has been honest about the extreme of his case of locking himself up and drinking, doing a ton of cocaine at once, and getting*incredibly* paranoid... BUT, we never saw Jeff get screwed up on the level of someone like Glenn Hughes, to the point of not being able to perform live for years or remember anything coherent of the time period. Nobody had an alcohol addiction driven by anxiety that led to a tragic death like with Steve Clark or Gary Richrath. Nobody overdosed and died while shooting up heroin -or got a deadly long-term illness from it like Robbin Crosby. They had some tough tours (and even cut the European tour in 86 off after many months and some of them crashing out from exhaustion when concerns of being near nuclear radiation in eastern Europe became an issue). But even that wasn't the worst, compared to instances like Deep Purple faced in Jakarta the decade prior. Despite what Dokken faced in the 80s and what critics say about them, compare their history, and they really didn't come off too bad. And maybe breaking up at the height of their speed (like Roger killing that electricity) really *did* keep them from facing a true calamity.

Perhaps the WORST thing Dokken actually faced came in the 90s, where it's rumored George was on steroids (though he'll deny it, avoid-drama-at-all-costs Mick has even suggested it), and he became more physically violent, rather than just having a battle of wits with Don. His time ended with him physically choking Don on the bus, after he'd admitted to trying to sabotage the band with how he wrote Shadowlife. We can only speculate what else happened when there are interviews from 1999 where you can see how uncharacteristically bitter even Jeff is toward his best friend when asked about him. Despite all this, Dokken did make somewhat of a recovery with Erase the Slate, and eventually, everyone made amends -Jeff by 2002 at the earliest, Mick somewhere before 2012, and Don around 2016. It may still be soon to speak on Don and George, but for the others, even this is better than the pattern of some band mates who have "made amends" only to end up fighting and separated in just a matter of a couple years -if that. So, has Dokken had a calamity? Hell, yes. More than one. Did they end just about as well as they possibly could have? Given the situation, and the outcomes of similar cases, very likely so. (And I think they deserve credit for that, just like I'll give Keith credit for his good moments, even if I'm not a fan of his)

[mcrmadness]

I just realized it’s April 1st tomorrow and dä is known for their April Fools. (Or actually it’s more like April 1st every day when you’re a fan of this band...)

And now I’m having anxiety. I just watched a video from someone who I’ve been avoiding on Youtube because something in them just generally gets on my nerves a lot but there was still something I didn’t know and that is now causing me anxiety because I don’t know what to think.

I mean, I really really hate April Fools to begin with. I already have trust issues and they get even worse on April 1st because I just expect no one speaking the truth but still there’s something in me that says something MIGHT still be true after all. And it’s just so overwhelming!

Just think of the April’s joke dä did on their website 2 years ago where they gave an email address you could write to and you’d get back some random stupid answer OR you could get tickets to the summer festival concerts they had that year. It sounded too good to be true, and it was April 1st, so many fell for that. I never wrote anything to the email because a part of me knew that it would be such a dä thing to do to say something is a joke and then it isn’t, and with my luck I would have “won” the tickets. And in the end it was a joke BUT they still handed out ACTUAL festival tickets to some people, and everyone thought that was just an April’s fool but no, they really did send free tickets for those who won in the email thing.

That’s why I have enormous trust issues with this band. I don’t believe a single thing before I can see it with my own eyes. Sometimes it’s very relieving to watch some old videos where they explain their old pranks because I’m happy I wasn’t aware of them when they did those, e.g. the one they did for Geräusch where they wiped Bela off from every image and text on their website and made it look like it was just Farin and Rod anymore. I just wish they never ever come up with a prank like that ever again because I’d probably actually get a heart attack then. It was already bad enough with the “Abschied” puzzle that turned into “Abstrakt” but the first sound clips made it sound like they were quitting, and all the medias grabbed on that. I still sometimes think it was actually planned and a way to get medias attention and that way reach all the old fans too because nothing sells better than bad news. So if it was just a normal “hey a new song from dä”, it probably would have no been advertised everywhere as much as it was now with the shock value of that puzzle.

I actually never really believed in any kind of “end of the band” with that song, I’ve been around too long for that - I mean I already got traumas when they called one of the 2012/2013 tours as “Das Ende ist noch nicht vorbei.” and they just named the next tour as “Das Comeback”, and I think the next one was “Das Comeback ist noch nicht vorbei.” But because I have anxiety, I constantly have these “BUT WHAT IF???” thoughts and even when I feel like it makes no sense and I tell myself it’s just anxiety, I still can’t help it but continue with another set of “but what if?” thoughts. It’s like switching between “hehe that was a funny joke” and “but what if it’s not a joke???” and it’s just... so exhausting. Days like these I sometimes really wish I had never learnt about dä. I can only imagine how calm and nice my life would be if I didn’t choose this path.

I’m gonna sue dä if I die sooner than I should just because all the stress hormones they cause to me. (And no, letting go is not an option. I literally have nothing else in my life, so I just have to continue my suffering.)

[lokihzra]

My Hearts on Fire For Your Love

Chapter 4

Loki tried not to.

He tried so hard .

But he couldn’t help but recite the words he spoke so many times while he was being beaten. The words that got him through the torture and the words that helped him stay together, the words that prevented Loki from losing himself.

“I will never lower my head to those who wish me dead and I will enjoy this pain because it’s the one thing that is keeping me sane” He sinks to the floor and simply stares at the tiles below him and keeps going.

“I will count every crack and crevice in the walls to keep from doing nothing at all, my mind will beg me to give in but I swear I will never submit” he takes in a shaky breath but the fear just gets worse. “My hands and knees may shake” they are shaking “my lungs and heart will ache but I swear I will never break” he won’t, he won’t give into his mind yelling at him to throw up “On Odin, Frigga and Thor. On my Father, mother and brother. I swear I will stay strong until I am no more”

It didn’t work.

He gags and hunches over before he scrambles over to the toilet and his mind goes blank as his whole body tenses up. His ears ring and his eyes tear up from the pressure of trying to force out everything in his empty stomach.

After Tony finished throwing up and made up an excuse to everyone saying it was because of drinking Tony marched down to Lokis room and didn’t even bother knocking before he commanded JARVIS to open the door.

Loki was laying on the bathroom floor, sweating, tears streaming down his face and shaking. “this is because of you” he snarls weakly, the whole situation not helping Tony fear him.

“what the fuck is this exactly?” Tony doesn’t even feel bad that Loki experienced the sweats and shit instead of him, it’s the least Loki could endure after everything.

Loki groans as he sits up, leaning back against the open bathroom door and sighing as he stretches his legs “the bond. It will try and bring us together”

Tony frowns at him, opening and closing his mouth before he finally finds his words “by making us feel the same way?”

“do you mean emotionally or physically?”

Tony’s face falls slack, his anger fading along with Loki’s “don’t be a smartass”

Loki chuckles before nodding “it will connect us emotionally yes” Loki says with a sigh.

“what about after that?”

Loki shrugs before pushing his hair back off his sweaty forehead “no one’s made it past the emotional bond” anyone that was lucky enough to find their soulmate usually embraced it because it was their soulmate.

Loki and Tony are a first.

“can’t you ask your parents or something?” Tony babbles “Thor said they’re soulm-“

Loki interrupts “you told him?” he quickly gets up, ready to fucking leave .

“no no I just asked if they were real, Thor is dumb enough to believe me but also smart enough to know i’m curious about everything ”

Loki sits back down with another loud sigh “curiosity killed the snake” he says quietly.

“snake?” Tony nearly yells “no no no it’s curiosity killed the cat and satisfaction brought it back”

“it’s snake, you midgardians changed it to cat ” Loki spits

“aren’t snakes like your symbol or something?”

“did your research I see” Loki nods before looking down at his hands “yes they are and yes the snake in the saying is me”

“not even gonna ask” Tony deadpans, he doesn’t want to know anyways, he doesn’t want to feel bad for Loki

“how do we stop this?” he asks instead.

Loki shakes his head and shrugs “we can’t” he scoffs out a weak laugh “there’s nothing we can do”

“what if I sell my soul?”

Loki barks out a laugh “that’s a myth, you can not sell your soul to Mephisto or Lucifer, they choose you” Loki deadpans “they’re annoying”

“I mean what if I sell my soul to you”

Loki gapes at him but Tony doesn’t falter, he waits and waits for an answer until a few moments later when the silence becomes unbearable “jesus say something please”

Loki presses his lips together and Tony does not stare at Loki's tongue darting out to lick his lips “you would be willing to do that?”

“I don’t want to be forced to fall in love with you and I don’t want to find out what happens if we don't, so yeah” Tony says nonchalantly.

“I would own you after your death” Loki says lowly and Tony can’t help but dig his fingernails into his knee as Loki continue “you would have to do whatever I want or you could simply rot in Hel with my sister”

“okay nevermind” Tony’s gaze falls on the bookshelf beside the bathroom door. “what if you sold yours?”

“to who, Thor?” Loki scoffs “Mephisto’s probably jumping up already, now that you mention it”

“we have to figure out something”

“we can’t Stark” Loki spits loudly “there’s nothing we can do”

May 12th, 2012

Tony nearly faints when Loki walks into the kitchen and starts making himself a coffee like nothing is wrong.

Loki looks good in earth clothing, that was undeniable but Tony couldn’t give a fuck about that because he finally realizes why Loki always wore sleeves as he stares down at the pale marks littering his arms.

Hundreds of pink and white scars cover Loki’s arms all the way to his knuckles and Tony doesn’t question why he’s never seen it before as he pulls Loki out onto the balcony with him.

He ignores Loki threating him, he ignores Thor and Steve frowning at them, he ignores the anger in his veins, most likely from Loki because he glares as Tony stands in his way of the door. “what?” Loki snarls, his hands balling into fists at his sides.

“who did this to you?”

“what are you talking about?” Loki steps back before he looks down at his arms.

“you can see them” It wasn’t a question, Tony could see that Loki knows by the way he instantly puts his hands behind his back.

“why couldn’t I see them before?”

“No one else can see them” Loki states and Tony sighs harshly, burying his face in his hands.

Tony rubs his face harshly as he says “we can see everyone else’s scars”

“yes we can see the scars of people with no soulmate”

“we need to do something about this Loki”

Loki sighs in frustration before he smirks and Tony instinctively steps back towards the tower “I could push you off” Loki suggests.

“we need to do something that doesn’t result in one of us dead” Tony spits back “i would love to see you dead but you’re Thor’s brother an-“

“i’m not Thor's brother now move so I can go inside” Loki spits.

Tony, being the stubborn bitch he is, stays in place “tell me who did this to you” he demands.

“doesn’t matter now move before I make you” Loki hisses, his veins burning with anger and he can see that Tony feels it too, his gaze becoming dark.

“tell me who the fuck-“

“we’re not friends, we’re not soulmates, we are nothing” Loki spits “so don’t act like you care and don’t demand anything from me” Loki finishes by pushing Tony out of his way and going back inside. Loki starts talking on his way in, annoying Tony even more “don’t push me around like I’m your pet because it won’t end well for either of us”.

May 15th, 2012

Loki was enjoying his shower when suddenly his arm started stinging. He hissed as the stinging got worse and looks down only to freeze.

There’s fresh cut on his arm that wasn’t there before, the blood mixing with the water and turning the floor beneath him a copper brown. He stared and stared until he feels another sting.

Stark.

He watches in horror as a new cut forms just above the other one, the cut appearing from nowhere and his heart drops as he scrambles out of the shower, not caring that he nearly slips.

Stark.

He throws on his clothes quickly, not even drying his hair or bothering to stop the bleeding. “I’m using my magic JARVIS” he announces and focuses hard.

Stark.

He appears in Tony’s room, what he guesses to be his room. He scans the room, similar to his except more modern, the furniture was grey and white but he quickly forgot about it as he sees the bathroom door slightly ajar, the light turned on.

Stark.

Loki doesn’t hesitate as he busts through the bathroom door to find Tony sitting on the floor, leaning against the glass shower door and blood dripping down his arm. Loki's heart drops and he doesn’t know if it’s his own feelings or if it’s tony’s panic overpowering his thoughts, he doesn’t care either way.

“Loki?” Tony breathes out quietly before he snaps out of it and throws something in the toilet. Loki ignores the clinking sound as he rushes over and drops to his knees in front of Tony, he gently takes Tonys hand to investigate his arm and to his dreaded fear he finds cuts matching his own.

“stop” Tony chokes out as he pulls his arm back “di-did you feel my-“ Tony stops and his face falls slack, his gaze trained on something beside Loki. Loki looks down to find Tony staring at his arm “I’m-I’m sorry” he whispers.

Loki presses his lips together tightly “why?”

“I wouldn’t-If I knew-“

“no” Loki interrupts “why are you doing this to yourself?” Tony can’t find his words. But he doesn’t need to because Loki can see the pain, fear, anxiety and desperation in his eyes. “how long?”

“I was eleven” Tony states quietly “Jarvis, was my dads butler but he was more a dad than Howard was” Tony voice breaks so he clears his voice and speaks louder “he killed himself, called me a couple hours earlier because he was on his christmas break” Tony bites the inside of his cheek as he feels the weight in his heart, the bad weight that makes him want to die. “he protected me from my father. After Jarvis, Howard got worse, so much worse-”

“he sounds like a man deserving of being your AI”

“no he deserves more” Tony states.

Loki nods as he stares at the gashes on Tonys arm, his own cuts throbbing in time with his erratic heartbeat “can I heal them?” he asks quietly and to his relief Tony nods.

Loki tries his best to stop his hands from shaking as he hovers them over Tony’s wound, focusing and sighing as he feels the warmth spreading through his palms. He watches as his seidr stitches together Tonys wound like it was never there before Loki moves back.

“sorry” Tony mumbles and Loki quickly shakes his head.

“been through worse”

Tony hesitantly makes eye contact “you said that you were tortured” he doesn’t say anything more, doesn’t want to.

He doesn’t want to feel bad for Loki, the man who destroyed the city.

Loki nods again “I’m not telling you anything” he deadpans.

Tony feels fucking bad and knowing that Loki can feel it makes him want to puke “I wasn’t going to ask you I just needed to know I wasn’t hearing things”

Loki presses his lips together as he thinks “being the god of lies doesn’t make me a liar. Thor being the god of thunder doesn’t make him thunder” Loki informs Tony, hopefully taking his mind off of everything for a second “we can just control it”

Tony’s mouth falls open “so you can control if people lie or not?”

Loki nods “I hate using it, no better than mind control”. Leave it to Odin to give Loki the one power he hates the most, father of the millennium.

“can you tell if people are lying?”

“only if I want to know, like when I suggested to lush you off of the balcony-“ Loki watches Tony’s expression harded “-you contemplated it for a moment”

“I don’t get the feeling that I’m the only one that is suicidal”

“suicidal no, uncaring for my life and if it ends? yes”

Tony frowns, shaking his head before he retorts loudly “same damn thing” making Loki smile , not enough to make Loki laugh genuinely but a smile is enough for now.

Tony will get him to laugh eventually.

[astralshipper]

I got sappy. wanted to write about what the show means to me. trigger warning for depression, bullying, all the rough stuff that goes along with that. also trigger warning for this being long as all hell. I had a lot to say about this dumb ass show. please feel free to ignore this, it was mainly for me to get my thoughts out.

Supernatural was there for me through… everything. I remember watching the pilot episode really vividly, though the date is fuzzy. I say it was 2012 at the time, but my mom insists it had to have been earlier than that, so I’m not entirely sure. The years really ran together back then. I wasn’t in the best place. In fact, I was in the lowest place I’ve ever been. The past few years of abusive friendships ended up finally getting me worn down, and I was in the biggest depressive slump I’ve ever felt. I thought I was weak, useless, selfish for feeling like that. I didn’t see any reason to go on, if I was just gonna be like that.

I had two people irl at the time that I considered my actual friends, as opposed to just the people that hung around me and made me feel pretty shitty. These two friends had started talking about this show they started watching. Supernatural, they kept telling me, it was the best show ever. They said I’d totally fall for Dean, and if not, then to wait for Castiel to show up. So I told my mom about it.

My mom watched the pilot episode while I was at school one day. When I got home that evening she agreed, I would love Dean, but I would be terrified of the show. So, being the dumbass I am, I trudged upstairs to do my homework for the next 7-8 hours, finishing around 1:30 in the morning. Perfect time for a wimpy little kid that’s scared of her own shadow to watch a new supposedly scary show, right? So I did. Dean didn’t even have a chance to show up before I was smitten with Sam, which makes me sound totally like becky, but let’s just skip over that and pretend that doesn’t sound familiar lmao

My mom and I got into a routine of watching the show in our free time. I would get home from school, drag her off, and we would binge a few episodes before dinner, so long as I could get my work done on time. So I started to, slowly but surely. Because Sam and Dean were waiting for me. 

I wish I could say it was a quick fix for all my issues, but that’s not,,, how life works, you know? I was still getting pushed around, I was still that lanky kid that played minecraft and couldn’t maintain eye contact, and carried around a new book every week. I was still the kid with tourettes that twitched and jerked and made funky noises throughout class. And middle school kids are damn mean. It wasn’t a cure for my depression, or my ADHD, or my anxiety, or anything like that. But it was a start. Sometimes I would text or call my mom from the school bathroom, sobbing and begging her to let me come home early. I did this a lot. Finally, she had a response. Stay there for Sam and Dean (and later on Cas, too), she would say, and we can watch an extra episode tonight to celebrate. She told me they were waiting for me back home, and that they were proud of me and that they believed that I could get through it. And how was I supposed to say no to Sam, Dean, and Castiel? So I would clean myself up, head back to class, and do what I could to get through the day, knowing that Team Free Will believed in me.

When I first started this show, that dark place I was in led me to doing a lot of stuff that hurt me in the long run. One of those things was pushing away my family as much as I possibly could. My family has always been really close. Hell, I’d do anything for them, I always would have. But during that time, I didn’t want to be a liability. I thought they would all be better off without me constantly in their lives. So I stayed as far from them as I could. Until Supernatural came along, and things changed. This show gave me a means of talking to my mom and becoming closer with her. It gave me the ability to cry with her, laugh with her, talk about things with her. It gave me my mom back, and in the end, gave me my family back. I finally trusted someone close to me again, someone that could help really make a difference. 

Jared Padalecki plays Sam Winchester, right? Well, a bit of time after I started following the show, he became very open about his own mental health struggles. He spoke up about his depression, and how it made him feel, and how he was working towards getting help and recovering. And all of a sudden, I could start to believe that maybe… my depression didn’t make me as weak as I thought it did. I mean, if Sam fucking Winchester himself can have depression and feel this way, if Jared Padalecki, a man that’s brought so much joy to so many people and has helped so many people through rough times, if he can feel like that too, then maybe I’m not weak. Maybe it makes me strong, the fact that I’m still here. Maybe it’s not selfish to ask for help. Maybe it doesn’t make me weak to need help from someone. I talked to my mom about getting put on some new medication. We started thinking about therapy options. I was finally open to maybe getting some help. And I was willing to start a journey towards not feeling like my mental health made me weaker, but stronger. Always keep fighting, he would say. That was the goal. So I did. 

After I got my cap and gown for high school graduation, I broke down as soon as I was alone. That hadn’t been in the plan. Graduation was never an option. My plans never reached this far, because in my mind, I wouldn’t still be there to see it. I never expected myself to walk across a stage to get a high school diploma. I never expected myself to shake hands with my principal and have her tell me she’s proud of me. I never expected myself to make it. But I… did. And I know, I knew, that I owed a lot of that to Sam, Dean, and Castiel. I might not have gotten there without them, and everything they brought to me over the years.

Life isn’t perfect. I’ve continued to hit my depressive slumps every once in a while. I have good days, bad days, and worse days. But every time things get hard, every time I just want to give up, this one damn show has been there. These characters have been there, and I know they would want me to fight. So I keep fighting, as long as I can. I know it’s not cool to like Supernatural. I know it’s cringy. I know it’s problematic. I know and I acknowledge that a lot of things that have happened on the show aren’t handled properly or are insensitive. I’m always going to be critical of the media I consume, but god dammit, that doesn’t diminish everything this show has done for me. Along this road, it stopped being a show, and it started being an anchor. They stopped being characters and started being reasons to keep trudging on. And seeing it go, it’s a really, really difficult goodbye. I’m not just watching a show go off the air, it’s saying goodbye to one of the biggest supports I’ve ever had. 

I don’t love Sam just because I think he’s cute. I don’t have a soft spot for Dean just because I think he’s funny. I don’t care so deeply for Castiel just because I think he’s a quirky dude. They’ve all been there for me when it felt like no one else could ever care about me. I love them, and I always will. I might not always hyperfixate on the show, but I can assure you, these guys are always going to hold a special place in my heart. They’re my heroes, they saved my life, and they did it universes apart from me. They’re a big part of who I am and who I want to be. And I wish I could thank them for that.