#i feel like all of this sounds so ridiculous but like. ksjdfhjg idk this show means. a whole lot

[astralshipper]

I got sappy. wanted to write about what the show means to me. trigger warning for depression, bullying, all the rough stuff that goes along with that. also trigger warning for this being long as all hell. I had a lot to say about this dumb ass show. please feel free to ignore this, it was mainly for me to get my thoughts out.

Supernatural was there for me through… everything. I remember watching the pilot episode really vividly, though the date is fuzzy. I say it was 2012 at the time, but my mom insists it had to have been earlier than that, so I’m not entirely sure. The years really ran together back then. I wasn’t in the best place. In fact, I was in the lowest place I’ve ever been. The past few years of abusive friendships ended up finally getting me worn down, and I was in the biggest depressive slump I’ve ever felt. I thought I was weak, useless, selfish for feeling like that. I didn’t see any reason to go on, if I was just gonna be like that.

I had two people irl at the time that I considered my actual friends, as opposed to just the people that hung around me and made me feel pretty shitty. These two friends had started talking about this show they started watching. Supernatural, they kept telling me, it was the best show ever. They said I’d totally fall for Dean, and if not, then to wait for Castiel to show up. So I told my mom about it.

My mom watched the pilot episode while I was at school one day. When I got home that evening she agreed, I would love Dean, but I would be terrified of the show. So, being the dumbass I am, I trudged upstairs to do my homework for the next 7-8 hours, finishing around 1:30 in the morning. Perfect time for a wimpy little kid that’s scared of her own shadow to watch a new supposedly scary show, right? So I did. Dean didn’t even have a chance to show up before I was smitten with Sam, which makes me sound totally like becky, but let’s just skip over that and pretend that doesn’t sound familiar lmao

My mom and I got into a routine of watching the show in our free time. I would get home from school, drag her off, and we would binge a few episodes before dinner, so long as I could get my work done on time. So I started to, slowly but surely. Because Sam and Dean were waiting for me. 

I wish I could say it was a quick fix for all my issues, but that’s not,,, how life works, you know? I was still getting pushed around, I was still that lanky kid that played minecraft and couldn’t maintain eye contact, and carried around a new book every week. I was still the kid with tourettes that twitched and jerked and made funky noises throughout class. And middle school kids are damn mean. It wasn’t a cure for my depression, or my ADHD, or my anxiety, or anything like that. But it was a start. Sometimes I would text or call my mom from the school bathroom, sobbing and begging her to let me come home early. I did this a lot. Finally, she had a response. Stay there for Sam and Dean (and later on Cas, too), she would say, and we can watch an extra episode tonight to celebrate. She told me they were waiting for me back home, and that they were proud of me and that they believed that I could get through it. And how was I supposed to say no to Sam, Dean, and Castiel? So I would clean myself up, head back to class, and do what I could to get through the day, knowing that Team Free Will believed in me.

When I first started this show, that dark place I was in led me to doing a lot of stuff that hurt me in the long run. One of those things was pushing away my family as much as I possibly could. My family has always been really close. Hell, I’d do anything for them, I always would have. But during that time, I didn’t want to be a liability. I thought they would all be better off without me constantly in their lives. So I stayed as far from them as I could. Until Supernatural came along, and things changed. This show gave me a means of talking to my mom and becoming closer with her. It gave me the ability to cry with her, laugh with her, talk about things with her. It gave me my mom back, and in the end, gave me my family back. I finally trusted someone close to me again, someone that could help really make a difference. 

Jared Padalecki plays Sam Winchester, right? Well, a bit of time after I started following the show, he became very open about his own mental health struggles. He spoke up about his depression, and how it made him feel, and how he was working towards getting help and recovering. And all of a sudden, I could start to believe that maybe… my depression didn’t make me as weak as I thought it did. I mean, if Sam fucking Winchester himself can have depression and feel this way, if Jared Padalecki, a man that’s brought so much joy to so many people and has helped so many people through rough times, if he can feel like that too, then maybe I’m not weak. Maybe it makes me strong, the fact that I’m still here. Maybe it’s not selfish to ask for help. Maybe it doesn’t make me weak to need help from someone. I talked to my mom about getting put on some new medication. We started thinking about therapy options. I was finally open to maybe getting some help. And I was willing to start a journey towards not feeling like my mental health made me weaker, but stronger. Always keep fighting, he would say. That was the goal. So I did. 

After I got my cap and gown for high school graduation, I broke down as soon as I was alone. That hadn’t been in the plan. Graduation was never an option. My plans never reached this far, because in my mind, I wouldn’t still be there to see it. I never expected myself to walk across a stage to get a high school diploma. I never expected myself to shake hands with my principal and have her tell me she’s proud of me. I never expected myself to make it. But I… did. And I know, I knew, that I owed a lot of that to Sam, Dean, and Castiel. I might not have gotten there without them, and everything they brought to me over the years.

Life isn’t perfect. I’ve continued to hit my depressive slumps every once in a while. I have good days, bad days, and worse days. But every time things get hard, every time I just want to give up, this one damn show has been there. These characters have been there, and I know they would want me to fight. So I keep fighting, as long as I can. I know it’s not cool to like Supernatural. I know it’s cringy. I know it’s problematic. I know and I acknowledge that a lot of things that have happened on the show aren’t handled properly or are insensitive. I’m always going to be critical of the media I consume, but god dammit, that doesn’t diminish everything this show has done for me. Along this road, it stopped being a show, and it started being an anchor. They stopped being characters and started being reasons to keep trudging on. And seeing it go, it’s a really, really difficult goodbye. I’m not just watching a show go off the air, it’s saying goodbye to one of the biggest supports I’ve ever had. 

I don’t love Sam just because I think he’s cute. I don’t have a soft spot for Dean just because I think he’s funny. I don’t care so deeply for Castiel just because I think he’s a quirky dude. They’ve all been there for me when it felt like no one else could ever care about me. I love them, and I always will. I might not always hyperfixate on the show, but I can assure you, these guys are always going to hold a special place in my heart. They’re my heroes, they saved my life, and they did it universes apart from me. They’re a big part of who I am and who I want to be. And I wish I could thank them for that.