#is anyone else still alive out there
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put your blood on ice (you're not gonna make it)
She did it. She's in LA. She's on her own. She's living her dream. But what her naive 19-year-old self failed to consider is that the music industry is an adult world with adult competition that requires adult experience. Can Beca get by with the 1.5 friends she managed to scrape together, or will she drown in the hole she'd dug herself into?
...or the AU where Beca holds her dad to the deal they made and moves to LA after trying one year at college
[ao3 link]
#bemily#beca mitchell#emily junk#ppfic#oh a NEW fic??? for this mostly dead ship?????#is anyone else still alive out there#anyway here's a fic I've been 'writing' since 2019 LOL#yes it is a wip no idk if it will ever be finished#do you want it or not
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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what the heck are you up to...
#I'm just going to color him like this until the official colors come out#oshi no ko#oshi no ko spoilers#hikaru kamiki#no but I think golden eyes make the most sense for him#AND YOU KNOW.. what if yura really listened to this guy and watched her steps..#what if she stopped going to the mountains after hearing what he's said how dangerous it can get#what if that was really a. genuine warning???#I reread that part and it's really weird#doodle#if you're going to murder someone do you say stuff that may hinder it from happening?#did this guy really kill anyone..?;;#ehhh if he did I'm going to be the first one to call him out#I feel like someone else pushed the actor even if he was there for it. could be nino.. could be someone else.. probably didn't do it alone#since yura was still alive when he came by and talked to her and she probably fell off a cliff#spoilers
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Back when mahiru thought his uncle might be dead he had a flashback to the accident that resulted in his mother's death, but one thing I noticed is that we don't actually see akira in this memory? It feels like either mahiru (or someone like lily or jeje) is supressing his memory here.
And if someone possibly killed akira on purpose, who was it and why?
#servamp#akira shirota#mahiru shirota#I mean the biggest plot twist would actually be that she faked her death and is actually alive/a vampire for whatever reason#But assuming she's dead who would have a motive#touma seems unlikely I feel like he would have taunted mahiru with that back when he mentioned killing several people#I forgot how old mahiru was when akira died but mikuni was probably still too young and also he used to hate humans getting killed#No idea why he's working with tsubaki to do a ritual that will kill all of tokyo now#Tsubaki maybe? He might know about what is so special about mahiru. In that case killing the mother (who also knew what's special about him#Would make some sense. She can't tell mahiru or anyone else about it if she's dead.#But killing her in a way that might have killed mahiru as well...assuming whatever is special about mahiru is needed for the ritual#Risky#But maybe mahiru's memories were faked like misono's were with the night kiriko died and mahiru wasn't actually there when akira got killed#Trying to kill tooru after he had to reveal his ties to c3 before he could explain to mahiru what's special about him#Would also fit with tsubaki#tsubaki would also have a motive not to taunt mahiru with it so nobody tries to look into it and finds out what killing her would achieve#If mahiru is needed for the ritual it's probably even better that mahiru and kuro found a way to get rid of the distance limit#because the enemies probably planned with the distance limit in mind meaning mahiru not needing to be there when kuro tries to stop tsubaki#Might be unexpected to them and throw a wrench in their plans
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khdr.... *collapses and dies*
#having a moment again thinking about like#specifically the part after x + e get back to scala after having lost hermod urd and bragi#knowing the missing upperclassmen are dead#feeling completely powerless and guilty that they couldn't save anyone#finding out the truth about baldr#and then the part when they realize that vor is still alive and she's just gotten back but now baldr is going after her#the frantic rush to the top of the tower as edge of existence kicks in#it just sounds like desperation. like this is their one last bit of hope#they can at least save her if nobody else#but only if they hurry#and they make it there in time but still can't save her#and that's just the final blow to their morale#and it's truly a wonder they could even pick themselves up after that#they couldn't even save the surviving upperclassmen. they couldn't save baldr#they save themselves. and *no one else*#just#ough#kingdom hearts#khdr
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The weight of the world is a heavy burden
Especially for a child
(Or, in slightly less dramatic terms – I imagine that the first of her past lives that Avatar Suiren [who is the Avatar after Aang instead of Korra in my AU, and also Ghazan and Ming-Hua’s daughter] gets to talk to is Yangchen, because she is too plagued by memories not her own [including Jetsun’s death, fun fact]. And Yangchen wouldn’t want another child to go through what she did on their own)
(Or maybe someone just needed an excuse to draw @katkastrofa’s latest obsession in a context that interests them as well, just in time to maybe cheer her up a little? You can’t prove anything)
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#Avatar Suiren AU#Kat and Nia and their multiverse of madness#yangchen#original character#sotrl suiren#if you’re wondering what the context is. Suiren is around 8 or 9 here. already having revealed herself as the Avatar to her parents#and it has been Hard. because as much as they try to maintain a sense of normalcy for her. it’s clear that things have changed#they never accounted for their daughter turning out to be the Avatar. they hoped Aang dying on the night she was born to be a coincidence#all of their plans now have to be rethought and put on hold because her safety is more important than anything else#she is never blamed for anything. she is still just as loved. yet there’s now a heaviness in their gazes whenever they look at her#the Avatar as a concept should not exist. it is too much power and responsibility for one being who is ultimately human#that’s what Suiren was taught. so what do those teachings mean if she’s the Avatar?#basically.. a whole lot of cognitive dissonance and she hasn’t even been alive for a decade yet#and all her life her head was filled by strange memories and dreams. fragments of lives not her own. sometimes nightmares#and usually her mama would comfort her through it but tonight… she just wants to be alone#so she wanders off. not too far. but enough that she wouldn’t be heard. and just softly cries#because it’s too much. because she doesn’t want to be the Avatar. why her? why not anyone else?#and as she whispers that she wishes she wasn’t the Avatar. her mind is assaulted by memories of previous Avatars saying the same thing#it really is a never ending cycle of too much burden being placed on a single person. but that realisation is anything but comforting#she begs for it to stop because that grief of life over life spent pushing a boulder uphill is just Too Much#and before she knows it. it ceases. only to be replaced by a blue glow visible even through closed eyelids#and a feather light touch of hands on her face. it doesn’t feel exactly like human hands by virtue of belonging to a spirit#that helps her relax a little. reminding her of mama’s touch. she looks at the person who appeared before her. her mind supplies the name#‘Avatar Yangchen?’. she whispers. but the woman is nowhere near as stoic and peaceful as she’s shown to be in every depiction of her#she looks.. sad. concerned. as burdened by grief as Suiren herself is. she’s not just a legendary figure from a time long gone#not yet another past life Suiren would never measure up to. she’s… human. capable of human emotion. just like Suiren is#I’m not sure how their conversation goes and have no inspiration to come up with anything. but I just wanted to draw them interacting
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Sora, who has murdered people and then laughed about it (maleficent, shan yu, floatsom and jetsum, sinking several ships of actual humans in the Caribbean though to be fair this one IS kh3) when grabbed by two people lightly on the shoulders: this is so unfriendly!
#listen i know that dream drop fed us sorikus a literal snow white narrative complete with a paopu fruit bearing rainbow keyblade#but was it worth it? was it worth it?#i think we could have kept thriving with just ''its riku! i looked everywhere for you!'' on his knees sobbing while he awkwardly dodges hug#from literally everyone else#we were doing fine without the gayblade#and i blame 3D for the lack of sora's love of murder in kh3#and for other lines which have sora come across as dumb instead of just distractable#cough i dont computer cough#sora you fly a fucking space ship regularly#what the fuck do you mean you dont computer#if you didnt computer then you donald and goofy would be fucking dead by now#sora#bad quotes bracket#regularpat#also before anyone comes in here saying that was Roxas's anger 1) sora is called angry several times in the kh1 manga and in recom itself#2) its both Roxas and Sora's anger combining. Don't forget the mental state sora is in in kh2. He doesnt know if RIku is alive; ppl keep#calling him Roxas; he just woke up and his memories are a fucking mess still; and then Kairi gets kidnapped#sora's infamous kh2 murder spree is mostly him for the non org members#then roxas' anger helps out once he starts taking out nobodies
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i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.
you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.
and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts
#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not?#how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with#is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe.#why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain#i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself#that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it?#just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once#but never never never liked enough#i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting#i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out#i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again#but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough#for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay.#maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find#maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months#anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning.#on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you#god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie#but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down#blah#personal#not st
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Shoutout to bears in trees for making a sign for all the people who almost died as a little kid because that fucks you up and I’ve never felt known the way that Tai Chi With My Dad knows me
#chaoticbuggybitchboy#how to build an ocean: instructions#htbao:i#bit posting#bears in trees#tai chi with my dad#tw swearing#the bears are allowed to find this post because this song made me feel things I didn’t know I was missing#because I almost died and then I was fine and everyone moved on and nobody talks about how I still panic and cry over it#and I’ve never had anyone else who’s understood how it feels knowing that you should have died a decade and a half ago#because I’ve been on borrowed time since [5] and nobody around me acknowledges it#and then this song comes out of nowhere and wraps me up in a hug and tells me I’m not alone#because other people live on borrowed time and I’m just as alive as they are#and yeah anyways I’m crying over it because it’s not just me yk#and like#because holy fuck#it’s not just me#glowbug thoughts
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thinking abt vincent having his own little venom arc after he loses his powers bc he genuinely cannot handle being 'useless' in the grand scheme of things because hes. hes just a guy now. a human guy with nothing to his name but hes still surrounded by all these strong and powerful people
so when something major happens and he cant fathom just sitting by and doing nothing well. there are always more. unsavory methods to getting power
like getting possessed by a shade
and i know just the one!!
#mine#original character#ifrit is going to have so much fun hes been waiting for the day vincent would give up and come to him for 'help'#the working plot for this is something happened to joaquin and everyone else is wasting too much time and vincent is losing his MIND so he#he says fuck it and goes to get results himself. hes not gonna sit there patiently while his HUSBAND is in TROUBLE are you KIDDING ME#things. do not end very well but at least joaquin is still alive afterwards!#literally anyone: joaquin i thought you were the crash out one in this relationship#joaquin: who do you think i learned it from#joaquin: [lovingly] he is insane
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I thought Ursula was pretty Biologist-core but in the end her arc was less Biologistcore than others. Levi was also pretty Biologistcore. maybe even Ghost Bird core?
#toy txt post#sam was giving the psychologist almost. but he was also biologist the way he kept getting infected with shit and not saying anything#but in the end....i think Levi was probably most biologistcore? maybe even a bit more Saulcore. i say as if anyone has to be anything#within the framework of southern reach. also shout out to scavengers reign and southern reach having the same abbreviation lmaooooo#im glad Ursula made it through okay and largely unscathed but man imagine if she got a little bit irrevocably changed by the planet as a#treat for me. maybe in hypothetical s2#chris was surveyor core.#also man the fucking flowerssssssss whats up with those!!!!!!! they seemed to be growing everywhere for a good bit of the show so how did#they end up that connected to levi?? i want to know more about that physiology#anyway. uh. if you liked scavengers reign. you will also enjoy: In Other Waters#game in which you play as a robot mechsuit and see the world via a little gps map screen only and the drawings of the creatures your#xenobiologist catalogues as you investigate this alien ocean and look for her missing ex gf?#chill game interesting story cool art great soundtrack and you play as the robot trying to assist your xenobiologist and keep her alive#i think its on computer and switch. dont know what else. i dont think it was expensive. one of these days maybe ill spring for the artbook#if its still available
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Noooo…… first it’s Yuuta and Shoko, now they’re yo-yoing back around to Megumi.
#no they’re bashing megumi even more than ever now…. sometimes some characters aren’t built for all of THIS AND ITS OKAY#he’s forever traumatized bro he just lost his sister in front of his eyes and his body was the one that killed her#same situation with Gojo who took care of his sister and he from when they was toddlers and up#megumi doesn’t want to live anymore and yuuji has already tried getting through to him he’s completely broken and even if he’s saved megumi#might not ever be the same#I feel like fans keep on forgetting that these are kids going through all of this stuff that even some of the hardest adults wouldn’t be#able to handle#they bash him but a lot of these same ppl forget what happened to getou and love him unconditionally#they’d say “’well other characters have lost a lot as well and they’re still trying!’ and I just have to#restate that again; simply not every character is built like some hard boiled shounen badass jjk is not the usual shounen that a lot of#fans still refuse to see tbh like it’s kind of built different 🗿#it’s core genres are literally horror/psychological horror like no one if gonna be bouncing back like Naruto bro#and in Naruto’s case he never got to see anyone precious to him die in front of him#who knows what Naruto would’ve went through if sasuke was killed in front of him#but then again#Naruto was already a crazy ass#he vowed to kill sasuke and die with him so nvm#but megumi ISNT crazy like that that’s the difference ajsjsjsj#he’s always been one of the more rational characters amongst his peers#he’s so normal!!! everyone else is fucked up or got larger personalities than he does#maybe ppl are pissed off at the fact that megumi simply isn’t fighting back… it’s frustrating but he’s in pain bro#I don’t see him making it out alive at all either if I’m being real#Yuuji might be one of the only characters to survive at this rate I doubt Yuuta is even going to pull through after the techniques 5 min#are up either…#rambling#the point it…… as sad as it may sound all of the characters fighting so hard now are doing so because they simply have to#Sukuna is literally a calamity and these are the only characters left who will even stand any chance against such a great entity#they don’t have much of a choice man#Gojo tried to prepare his students for the future so that they’ll be strong enough to fight back anything together. not alone#Everyone is doing what they can now
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as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and [checks notes] the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd
#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd#also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th#breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to#so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart#and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves#i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this#i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things#so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday#i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers#but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care?#people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better#if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war#anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter]#personal#add to journal#words n rhythm#WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS#cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao#i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes.#anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i#and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would#objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else.#this is a gift i give myself now.#this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do#trauma evolution#mosswrites
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Fic idea: Jiang Cheng experiencing Ground Hog Day from the CQL nightless city episode, and having to relive it until yanli and Wei wuxian both live and then also finally waking up the Next day with the trauma of watching his siblings die hundreds of time.
Just him having A Time of it.
I have had this on my "things I wanna write at some point" brainstorming doc for literal years, anon (though I know well there's at least one other fic with at least the time loop part of this premise). the only problem is that said brainstorming doc is about five pages long.
however the part of this that is really fun for me is definitely the part about where everybody is afterwards! cause it's not like Wei Wuxian is probably doing so hot either (depend'ing on where our time cutoff is, may still be at least 60% suicidal and definitely 100% homicidal), and Jiang Yanli is still grieving her husband, and here Jiang Cheng is like "as far as these two know I should be more functional than anybody else but turns out" and trying fairly unsuccessfully to do a Wei Wuxian "everything is fine and if I insist as much it will definitely become so."
Just three massively traumatized peas in a blanket! Love it, love them, hope they all break down crying on each other.
#conversating#anonymous#the sad queer cultivators show#jiang cheng#wei wuxian#jiang yanli#more aftermath of time loop fics...yes......#and this one is like. hoo boy everybody's still very fucked up#also when we're at nightless city tbh i have no idea if there is any solution that gets all the siblings out alive#i really really do not know how to keep wwx alive at that point. he's not making it easy and neither is anyone else#honestly at some point in this scenario i bet jc would be like 'so what if we just ALL die then'#suicide mention cw
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man. Kevin being painstakingly aware of how he's nobody's first choice. he wasn't Carlos's, though for a time he thought he was, and he went into a relationship with Charles with it made clear very early on- which isn't a problem or flaw, but disheartening regardless
#Ive said it before but I think some of Kevin's hesitancy about his and Charles's relationship after finding out ab Donovan#came from how things went with Carlos and the fear of losing someone because you're not the most important person to them#I think. he's Lauren's first choice. but that may very well come from. I don't think she really has anyone else#at least not anymore#she mentions having had siblings. i wonder if theyre even still alive#but thats getting off track#joyousposting#wtnv
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body let me sleep pls
#logbook#went to rb a flower pic but then i actually read the descrip without my glasses even and uh. no lol#'the amazing expeditioners of an early century who totally discovered this flower before anyone else and also all on their own' wtf#just say its named after them not that they're amazing. going to go back to sleep a fucking plant post on tumblr.com making me mad#woke up bc ive been having literal hate dreams abt work and being angry and stressed abt work.#i legit have not stopped thinking abt work even when i clocked out. im soo. . .this week was so upsetting. truly.#im probably going to get up and go back to sleep later. take a nap midday#i really dont want to leave the house at all but i probably will have to go out and do some errands. yesterday i spent my whole day at rents#which. fuck me man now i have one day to get stuff done. its fine cause i did some stuff but still. im exhausted and havent had a day to me.#guess if i do stuff today then i just allow myself to rest after work this week. or i can run an errand or two the next few days.#whatever. hello im alive just mad abt it lol
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