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thehumanquestion · 1 month ago

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The Brief 4 Months of KSP

Overview

Here I am again, posting after having deleted my blog quite a few times. Another sadness to live through words.

This time, it was someone by the initials of KSP. No one probably knows their middle name, so I guess the chances of anyone — or KSP — finding it are pretty low. But why mention it at all? Maybe to remember. Or maybe there is some form of revelation in having the possibility of that someone finding it eventually.

I do know one thing for certain — it is the process of writing this that is the most fun, not posting it. However, there is just something about writing and posting that appears to be mutually exclusive.

Before anything, I always wonder, should I permanently keep this blog as a record? Maybe. I think I'm leaning more towards keeping it forever. I would hate to be attached to the world. I would rather wait for death and leave this world as if I just came to see a friend, briefly.

However, maybe I should live life with words sometimes, just sometimes. Then again, I have never been completely honest with words. I have never told them what my emotions tell me. But I have made a decision — I shall change that once, just for the sake of it.

Complete honesty.

Is life really a wave of ocean you should ride forever and never drown into? I think so.

The Interview

It all began with a frenzy of jobs I applied for. This was one of the three jobs I actually got an interview for. During the interview, she had a very unique first impression. She is a very friendly person, who vibes and laughs with everyone, even if she had met them a moment ago — or maybe she just makes it that way consciously.

On the other hand, I am a person who has the strictest philosophy to not get close to people at all — not get attached, not like them in any way, not admire anyone, and so on. Maybe I pretend to be close to people, but then again, I really don't know. There is a fine line between pretending and being genuine when you have been doing it for a long time.

Getting back to the story. Before the interview, I, first of all, thought about all of the questions I was going to mention to them, reminded myself of my resume, and read some things about the psychology of interviewing (never used it though). Then, as I would usually do with non-technical interviews, I searched a bit about the interviewer — what kind of person they are, etc., etc.

Well, safe to say they were a ghost, except for bits of information on the official institution page. There, I did wonder if I should use that to my advantage. I never did it, and in hindsight, I think I made the decision I am content with. There is just something about faking the human connection that doesn't sit right with me. (Actually, I did tell her about this; she said it wasn't unethical. "They" is too hard to keep up with.) (I don't know what she was thinking, except that she probably wanted me to feel good about it.)

My interview was at 5 p.m. I had thought of all the questions they could have asked me and potential answers (they mostly didn’t ask me those questions). I also thought of all the questions I was probably going to ask them.

When I went there, I was sitting in the waiting area of the front desk. The front desk people definitely thought that I was very anxious about the interview. Well, people always get that wrong about me. I am rarely nervous about anything. Nervousness isn’t something I ever deal with, mostly because of my philosophy, of course.

Well, the front desk people were very nice regardless. They offered me candy to eat and water. I told them I don’t like candy or sugar. It was just an excuse, lmao. Now, I have to keep up the lie that I hate candy or sweet stuff — I mostly don’t. However, the part about getting brain fog was definitely true though.

I think one of the front desk people hates me for some reason. I don’t know, maybe I offended them somehow. Well, it is just a possibility though. I might be imagining things. I’m 60% sure that I am wrong on this, but you never know. That front desk person is actually very cunning. They subtly let me know that my shift had ended by quietly whispering to themselves, “Oh, what time is it.” Pretty funny actually. Anyways. I don't remember much about the questions they asked me (who am I kidding, I remember all details about it because, well, I do have a great memory — but it seems like unimportant details to mention). She did mention that if I knew about a certain survey, and I said yes.

There were two interviewers, and KSP seemed quite kind actually from the get-go. She mentioned, “Just so you know, there is no right answer.” I think she did like my answers because she did the several gestures of agreeance that you usually do if you meet someone new and find out you agree on everything.

I still remember her hitting her leg as a gesture of conversation? Well, that is something that did stick with me. Why? Probably because that was an impression of how friendly a person she was.

A few days after, I got the call from an unknown number. It was her telling me I got the job. I'm not gonna lie, I was not only surprised but also didn't have much of a reaction (the opposite of the congratulatory tone she mentioned it in).

Firstly, I did not ever imagine I would get this job (can't reveal the why for privacy reasons). Secondly, I am not big on reactions for several reasons. How I truly am, what my true lifelong obsession is, my real thoughts and greater goals about life — these are things I never share with anyone.

While the first one’s case is not always true, the rest are permanent. Why? All because they are all mine — mine and mine alone. The only things I, and only I, truly know. I also don't share my true thoughts — not to their full intensity. My thoughts are usually very strongly extreme, though I downplay them to the most neutral form.

Well, after I was sent the job offer letter, I was actually almost 100% sure I wasn't going to accept the job. I just truly didn't feel like it. I mentioned on the call that I was going to check some things about my schedule — an obvious lie. However, in the brisk of the moment, I said, might as well accept it, and did.

A few days forward, I also got a research job, which pays way more than this one. During the interview for that, I was advised to give the original job my 14-week notice to quit (I hadn't even started working there, lmao). I was very sure I was going to quit that job, but I didn't. Why?

Honestly, the only reason was that KSP was too nice of a person, and I would hate to disappoint her just after I accepted the job. She was a nice person, and I absolutely hate doing anything that would cause any kind of discomfort to nice people.

I would have never imagined that would be a great, great decision.

I remember telling her in the last few days at work that decisions you make by taking a chance always turn out the best, and taking this job was certainly one of them — definitely. It was so good that I have already decided to work there until I leave the institution I am pursuing my studies in, unless my mind changes for some bizarre reason — which always is a possibility.

The First Day

I still starkly remember that first day at the job. She was my supervisor and sat beside me. At this point, I was genuinely kind of uncomfortable with how kind and nice she was — but then again, that is how I always feel when I meet a new person who is pretty nice.

She asked me a lot of questions because I think she is always interested in meeting new people and has mentioned that before. That is one of the reasons she went to Denmark. She loves travelling.

On a side note, I told her — and tell everyone — that I hate travelling and believe that in myself on the shallow end because I would hate to get attached to the world. But to be honest, that was a complete lie because I actually love travelling.

Honestly, she is very empathetic — maybe that’s why she asked so many questions.

Sometimes I get reminded of the bee story. There was a time inside this office when there was a whole bees’ nest in one of the rooms for years. It was a story of how devastating this place was. The story just sounds funny to me, honestly.

Then there was when she did teach me everything about the job — where the storage closet was and how organized everything was. Oh, and damn did she not mention how horrible things were there 3 years before, i.e., before she had joined. I cannot imagine how much of a mess it must have been.

It was eerily impressive how impressively she had transformed the whole place. Lmao, whenever I complimented her in the beginning about this, she would always say, "I try," downplaying outright how impressive it is.

I completely know that is just because she wants to be humble, which I understand. Though, I do believe she doesn't downplay how nice she is. I suspect she might truly not know how kind of a person she is.

I did hit this fact in the goodbye poem I wrote for her in the snippet of the following lines:

And yet,

it is you who remains!

Forever.

And ever!

Of course, I won't show the context that is before this so that she, first of all, doesn't think I copied the poem in case she reaches here and Tumblr doesn’t allow her to see this page without logging in. Also, it makes it less probable she reaches here in the first place. More about the poem later.

Well, and there I was, completely opposing any form of human connection with her or anyone there. That was especially with her because she clearly wants to know everyone. I truly believed I wouldn't ever have any connection with her or be attached in any way — of course, because of my philosophy.

Well, safe to say I was wrong.

A Few Weeks After I Started

I talked more to her and found she had very similar thoughts to mine about sooooooo many things, which is extremely rare for me because I have a very unique view of the world — even though I believe mine is the most right and the best way to live, with many objective proofs.

She once said she was gonna throw something at me (something light, lol — that’s what she said) because I never agree with her. She doesn’t know that I agree with mostly everything she says. Don’t know why I never mentioned it to her. I mean, I did during the last few days she was there (right after she mentioned I never agree with her) — I gave her a day where I completely agreed consciously with whatever she said. However, none of the agreeance was a lie, I do actually agree with everything she says.

We talked about movies, about politics, philosophy, and a lot — I mean a lot — about psychology and the whole academics of mental health. I stayed many times for hours after my shift ended because I extremely enjoyed our conversations about that. She had a very interesting perspective.

Specifically, she mentioned a lot about how she doesn’t believe people would be able to go through mental issues without therapy, and she is a very big believer in therapy. I obviously disagreed. I said how emotions are arbitrary, how bad things don’t objectively exist, how most human faculties are arbitrary. I mentioned how it worked for me too — and how I can do that because I don’t care about these things later on.

She probably thought I didn’t even care about her leaving or anything like that. It's funny because that was the moooooost hypocritically false thing I said to her. Man, I was devastated for weeks when I heard she was leaving. It was very, very hard to get over. This happened during the last 3–4 weeks or so.

But wait, there was much more before that.

After all of these talks with her, I began to see more and more of how nice and kind she was. You know, she was actually much nicer to me than other people. Maybe I’m imagining it, but I think it was so. I remember her always greeting my name with quite a lot of enthusiasm.

I tried, but I never could bring that enthusiasm into my greeting — probably because of my philosophy again — but I genuinely felt the same enthusiasm. Like, I couldn’t even say “Hi” with her name because of how used I was to not getting attached to people.

Regardless, there was always — when I was leaving after my shift — she used to say “Bye,” “See you tomorrow,” “Hope you have a great evening,” usually all together, and “Hope you have a great weekend” with them on Fridays. You know, maybe that was because I did that first a couple of times, but safe to say she never did say that to other people all together, and she never did greet people’s names with enthusiasm.

Maybe that was because I was okay with that?

But fun fact: out of every day I asked how she was doing, she said she was doing great or her day was going great only ten times. The last time she said it was on her last day, actually — which was today.

And it wasn’t one of those unconscious things. She actively listened to everyone’s answers to how they were doing. I once said, “I was doing great, as always,” and she said that was a fabulous answer. She said the same thing about someone else who had a similar answer (he said his day is going fabulous).

She did mention once that she picks up people’s moods easily and that’s why she wouldn’t become a therapist (she would be a fabulous therapist). She usually answered with “I’m doing alright” without any importance to her day, as if it’s bad so she doesn’t want to think about it.

Speaking about daily routine things, she almost always braided her hair whenever I came in for my shift. That was bizarre, not going to lie. Maybe my shift starting was always some form of unconscious reminder for her. However, I think the major reason was that she didn’t think her hair looked good when it’s not braided and that I would judge or notice it?

Man, to be honest, I literally have not a single clue which one would look nice. She looked great in both.

Once, she did mention that she “cut her hair by herself once” and that somehow had messed up how her hair looked. To be honest, I actually have no knowledge of how hair would look good or bad since it was almost like there was no difference in her hair.

Did she really take me to be the judging type? Was she really that self-conscious? I looked at her hair an average amount any other human would I suppose, maybe even less. I think she was especially concerned about hair.

I once mentioned that I need to get a haircut soon to her, and maybe that’s where she got the idea that I notice people’s hair a lot. We also had a conversation about hair once. I think she had the impression I was self-conscious about my hair.

I didn’t have time to cut my hair for a long time once, and when I did, she said, “Oh, you got a haircut, it looks good, but we don’t have to talk about it.” I was really wondering if she thought I was sad with my haircut. I just said, “Well, I finally cut my hair,” and she said, “Proud of you.”

I really didn’t know what to say, but she definitely had the wrong impression of me. I really didn’t care about how my hair looked, but I knew that cutting my hair made it look much better. I mean, I didn’t cut my hair for a long time not because I was self-conscious but because I literally neither cared nor had the time to, and the barber had very weird timings.

When someone else noticed my haircut and said, “Oh, you got a new haircut, it looks nice,” KSP said, “Oh, we just notice things, we are people who notice,” almost as if she thought I didn’t want people to notice my hair or that people noticing my hair would make me self-conscious.

I mean, again, I thought it looked great.

God, I sometimes wish I could read people’s minds.

You know, I think I might have had a habit of overcorrecting people, which I think just makes people feel stupid, so I try to have a habit of not correcting when people have wrong impressions of me. This led me to not correct KSP’s impressions several times.

Regardless, whatever impression she had of me, she was definitely very empathetic, nice, and protective of people’s images and self-esteem — that includes me. Such a nice person.

I truly think that people who are defensive or protective on behalf of other people are the ones who make the best of friends. That might be one of the reasons why people love her so much and share so many personal things with her.

Lol, that reminds me — I don’t know if she knew it or not, but the facilities guy was sooo into her. He used her full first name all the time (no one uses that, by the way), he used to blush profusely when he was talking to her, and well, literally made excuses to talk to KSP.

I think KSP had never realized it in the slightest. She probably thought he was just friendly. And let me tell you, with all psychological, behavioral, and general knowledge I have about men — and being one myself — if he was a straight male, there is no way he wasn’t into her. He was almost like an open book. So obvious.

I don’t think people sometimes realize that they are open books. Or more like an open dam, which is letting out all the water. Sometimes people just have all of their emotions out in the open — ones they don’t want others to see, ones they don’t realize are even out. It is always a very funny sight to observe. Fun times, I suppose.

From that day on, I always tried to be very happy and cheerful when I was there. Anything for nice people, tbh.

Leaving that aside — yeah, I never figured out why most of her days were “alright.” She almost always said “she’s doing alright” whenever I asked how she was doing. I was pretty sure she wasn’t going to ever tell me about the reasons why. She really doesn’t mention her personal struggles. As she said, “She is my supervisor, and this is a workplace.”

I partly think that was because she probably would not be able to stop crying if she ever mentioned them — or she would get very sad.

Actually, the only time she was about to cry was in her end days. It was when I said that you shouldn’t care about people, or your job, or things so much — you should be able to let go.

The exact sentence she mentioned was: “Then I wouldn’t be the same person.”

And yeah, her voice was trembling, and she was about to cry, but she didn’t. She pulled herself together and did say that “She is in the phase of her life where she will be able to do that.”

Well, getting back to the original point. I guess I’ll never find out if the supervisor thing was real. I made sure I made it seem like I wasn’t interested in that. Personally, I really don’t know if I was interested in knowing about her personal suffering or not — as it usually gets very sad for me if I hear about people’s struggles.

But I do believe that the supervisor thing was only partly true. As usual, I never commented anything when she said that.

All That Said…

All that said, it was around our plethora of conversations that I briefly had a bad view of her — but that happens with me for all people, so yeah. Well, after that happened, I was again so sure that I am a person who never catches any kind of inclination, or attachment, or anything for other people.

This fact is actually true for almost all people I have known in my brief existence — except one, someone I actually fell in love with, which is, by the way, very very rare because of my philosophy. It literally takes mountains to be tipped over for me to actually fall in love with someone. It is that rare.

However, I don’t know — I might have actually fallen in love with how kind of a person she was. Maybe. I really don’t know what kind of love it was — it definitely wasn’t the usual kind. It was somehow an unusual likeness about her characteristic of being such a nice and lovely person.

I don’t know. I had never even known I would be able to be in awe and admiration of someone’s character at the same time. You know what? It was definitely a new kind of love — not romantic, surely, but definitely a love of a person’s good character.

I never imagined I would be capable of such feelings. I was proud of my solidly built philosophy, something nothing has ever been able to break. However, it really just snuck up on me from nowhere. It went from “no way I can catch feelings” to “damn, there is nothing else but the weight on my heart of whatever I was feeling.”

Those feelings took a month to barely go away — to the point where I was just able to breathe without my heart feeling like a ton of heavy rocks. I don’t think I have felt anything more painful than that.

Why was it painful? After all, love is but just emotional instability, and that is always a cause of suffering. I also do dearly hate how I can’t control my emotions — how something can be out of my control, how someone can have such control over me.

You know, I told her I don’t care about anything as a part of my philosophy, or that all emotions are arbitrary and you can control them. Boy, was I lying — and was I wrong. I tried very, very hard to get rid of them, but god, it took so much suffering and time to get rid of them — exactly about a month.

I had to drown myself in music until I was able to hate how someone could have so much control over my emotions. I actually hate music for the exact same reason — it induces the same emotions, which I hate: any form of emotion. It was just a wait until my heart became a rock to this kind of inclination toward someone else.

Funny thing is that I am very sure that she thinks I am an emotional rock — no emotion or anything. After all, that is the persona I kept up. The nonchalant, indifferent look over my face — at all times. Actually, maybe I did consciously smile when I talked to her — all because she picks up people’s moods too easily.

This time was also when I had several nihilistic thoughts on my mind, which I do not share with anyone. Believe me, I am very resilient to nihilism and know how to deal with those. I actually find comfort in them, but when they weigh heavy on me, I know they'll probably be really bad for other people.

That also, luckily, led me to not speak much with her except for some basic stuff. The silence was definitely ringing in the ears, and I don’t actually know what she thought about it — or even if she noticed.

She maybe thought I actually caught some sort of feelings and was distancing myself, or something else — like stress from school or anything. Well, safe to say she probably didn’t know anything about what the reality was. That might have been a blessing for me, to be honest, because it was enough time to get some distance.

I think that was the reason I actually got sick. The extreme emotions got to me and I fell quite ill. This usually happens to me. Whenever I have extreme feelings that weigh me down for quite some time, they cause me to fall sick. I actually also had an appointment there (yes, the place I work at) which I had to reschedule because of my illness.

Funny short story — I called in at the front desk, which I knew KSP would pick up. I didn’t text her through Teams or email because I didn’t want to feel like I was misusing my position of working there. Hell, I could have rescheduled my appointment by myself.

But yeah, I still called the front desk the normal way. After she picked up, I just mentioned my appointment, and when she saw my name, she was like, “Wait, I thought that was you, why didn’t you mention it?” Couldn’t tell her I did it for fun, lol.

She also teased me a couple of times. I was allowed to here. One time I was mentioning how I didn’t have any time to cut my hair because of how busy I am, and she said, “And you have time to talk to us.” She definitely meant her, and I did talk a lot outside my shift hours with her. I just liked talking to her, I guess.

But yeah, that was because the barber was only open until lunch (12), and I was busy until 2 or 3 almost every day.

However, note that I still came out with a much more favorable image of her in my mind. It happened. I finally did catch some form of attachment toward another human being. I just had to accept it — and nothing else.

However, as mentioned before, I never told her anything about this.

The Day of the Appointment

I specifically mention this day for a very important reason. One, because it stuck in my memory, and two, because this is when my framework of her changed again. I noticed a lot more things.

So what happened was that I had the appointment (one of the services that place provides) at the place I actually worked. Yeah, weird. It was for one of the Myers-Briggs tests I had taken. Actually, funny story — KSP was the one who prompted me to take this test.

I highly suspect that was because she thought I was in a field that I didn’t actually want to be in, or wasn’t interested in, or wasn’t adept in.

It was one of the holidays, I believe, so the place was dead and empty. There was no one at the front desk when I got there, and I just sat waiting for the person I was meeting with to come out.

And then came KSP.

She was very surprised I was there because I wasn’t supposed to be working at that time. And I noticed that she said, “I’m happy to see you here,” which she really doesn’t say ever. Yeah, I know this is getting too much in the category of overthinking and not real. I believe it is still important to consider because firstly she was someone careful with her words.

Secondly, I am free to wonder about anything here, so I don’t really care about it at this point. However, I do believe there is some form of purpose in what people say only occasionally and in their words in general.

There are also multiple ways to get to interpret the message of any form of communication, so I am going off by the least number of assumptions and the most probable ones. One more thing, this part isn’t primarily about the intent behind the phrases she said anyways.

I obviously said, “I’m happy to be here as well,” clearly not mentioning I was happy to see her too directly — even though I was. It was always a pleasure to see her (I never told her that).

Again, that was because of my philosophy of not showing emotions, of not getting attached or giving anyone power over me — BS.

She also offered to make me a coffee or tea or give me a water bottle, obviously being very hospitable. I honestly don’t know why, but because of my philosophy again, I didn’t have any idea of what I could say that wouldn’t go against my belief.

She took it as a signal to not be that hospitable. She exactly said, “Okay, I’ll back off. I’ll stop being hospitable.”

I’m aware and partly sure that I am overthinking it waaaay too much, but yeah, I guess that the overthinking is just going to stay for purposes of this post.

Maybe she felt bad at that time. I felt bad about that possibility, but I could do nothing but let it go, as usual. God, I sometimes hate myself for doing that.

Fast forward — after the appointment, when I came out, I wanted to show her my results, but I paused again and didn’t show her.

Again, because of my philosophy of not being interested in people, even though it was totally opposite to what I felt in my mind. It was exactly like a thousand words on my mind and none reached the face, nor they ever did.From that day on, I noticed when she said she was happy to see me — not willingly, but that is just my mind. The only other time she said it was when I showed up unexpectedly again during one of the end days. That made me think that maybe she does like my presence.

I don’t know why, but I always think people are pretending to be nice, or they just actually dislike me. I mean, I don’t know what there is to like about me at all.

With KSP, let me tell you, never have I ever wished to be able to read someone’s mind more.

I really do not know why she was so kind to me. I still don’t have any idea. I don’t even know if she did actually like my presence. I say this because she is usually very careful with her words.

Damn, I still wanna know.

Not to mention, she was so much kinder than she was to others. Maybe I was imagining stuff, but I do believe it was true. Maybe she had pity on me because she thought I was sad or something else. Maybe she felt bad for me because she thought my life was bleak.

To be fair, I did never share anything about my personal life with her — barely anything. Yeah, all because of my bragging philosophy of “my life being all mine” and not being dependent on others and all.

Regardless, maybe that’s why she thought my life was bleak. Tbh, I didn’t even tell her I hang out with my friends for most of my time. She did mention that “she wants me to enjoy my life and be happy” when I mentioned to her that I went to Orange Beach with my friends.

However, there seemed to be a big suffering she had gone through behind that sentence. She doesn’t mention it, but I am so sure that she has suffered quite a lot. She has mentioned glimpses of it, but it’s definitely much worse than what she mentions.

I feel bad for her sometimes, but I also respect her for that and admire her for that. She is indeed very strong and courageous.

Also, random thing — at this point, I started to notice something else. But before that, just to mention, I always made a conscious effort to not look at her, ever. One of those “I won’t ever show any indication of what I truly think.” Yeah, I probably wouldn’t stare at her or something, but that was just to maintain the appearance.

Now back to the earlier thing. You know, she really stretches in front of people in really strange ways. I’m very sure she has no idea that she does it (maybe she does — oh well, that wouldn’t make a difference though. I’m still 65% sure she isn’t aware of it). Maybe it’s because it seems normal to her, which doesn’t to many external observers.

I don’t personally care what other people do, most times. Also, I would never have enough courage to tell her that this might give people the wrong idea — that she was outright trying to entice people's feelings.

Though, NOT HER FAULT — fault of the people that assume so.

She is also very clumsy, so she used to drop things on the floor on several occasions and had to pick them up. It’s sad that some people would definitely take that in the wrong way.

Why does the thought even occur in my mind?

That is because I have heard from many of my friends this exact same thing — even the female friends have mentioned this to me. Too bad some humans just see individuals as objects, and not human persons.

Regardless, this is a very huge issue with a lot of men these days. Many joke about it, many think it’s “masculine.” Never have I ever laughed or been angry at the same time, honestly. Human decency is highly required in many humans.

I don’t know how it would even be a question to not think of women as objects but as individuals.

I mean, I never ever have looked at her except when I’m talking to her. I’m also pretty sure she thinks she isn’t that good-looking or something. Damn, she doesn’t know it, but she is objectively very pretty and beautiful. Like, there is no human probably who would reject that statement.

Not that I care about how people look.

She also mentioned on multiple occasions that she wears the work uniform because that way she “doesn’t have to think about what to wear”. It is surely a sign that she is worries about either how she looks (insecure, yes) or that she is unsure how she looks in clothes (insecure). To be honest, her fashion sense is quite great from the arbitrary modern human standard for aesthetic. I mean I don’t care what people wear and know that there is no objective aesthetical difference between any sort of clothing. Even then, I am saying this, she had great sense of fashion. I don’t know what she was worried about, to be honest.

And yeah, she might be oblivious, but there is a guy from maintenance who came once and he seemed so into her. He used her full first name (she prefers and uses an abbreviated version) and was full red in front of her. Too bad for him — she already has a boyfriend. She calls him her “partner” because they’ve been together for a long time.

I swear I could remember her saying he is her “ex-boyfriend,” but idk — I must be imagining things.

Just to mention, she is 14 years older than me (she’s 34). But you would be surprised — she doesn’t seem like a 34-year-old most times. You could easily mistake her for being 24 or 25. You know, she’s like a little girl and an adult at the same time.

She once sat on one of the couches like a little girl sits on a bench — legs all stretched pointing toward the ground, hands holding on the edge of the seat, and shaking her head slightly. (I am aware my memory is great.)

I honestly don’t make a conscious decision to actually remember stuff — I just do.

That Time I Heard She Is Leaving Her Position

This was a very unexpected thing. I told her I already knew she was leaving, but yeah — that was a lie.

What happened is that she was slowly giving one-on-one sessions with everyone in the office, telling them she got a new job and would be leaving this one.

You wouldn’t know it, but literally everyone loves her. There is literally no one — even the maintenance people, who rarely come — that haven’t shared personal stuff with her. Everyone is very emotionally connected to her and loves to talk to her and share their sufferings.

There is only one exception, and that is me.

I never did share anything about me with her. I was mostly a blank canvas — all because of my philosophy. She probably doesn’t know who I truly am or what experiences I’ve had.

Alas, it was a random Friday and one of the people she had informed about her leaving, that person came to the office space where we both usually sit side by side and said, “Oh, I heard you were moving back home. My favorite co-worker who I knew only for a short amount of time.”

That hit me so unexpectedly — like a literal truck. I almost, almost showed an expression on my face, and I probably did. But guess what? I pretended I didn’t hear anything and kept talking to one of my friends who was there.

KSP said, while stuttering, “Oh, why would you do this to me?” and took him to the back of the office to tell him. She probably didn’t want to tell me just yet, and yeah.

After that, before I was about to leave, she did mention if I had 15 minutes after my shift ends — but I had something important to attend to. To which she said, “Forget everything I said. Have a great weekend.”

You know, my devastation almost showed up in my voice — maybe she actually noticed, maybe. But the weekend was devastating. I was very sad about her leaving. I do not know why.

It was probably because I did not want to lose such a nice person and a great friend from my life. It was obvious that I was still in love with her kindness — the unique kind of love. I don’t know how to categorize it. Maybe it was something else, but yeah.

It was three weeks of brutal sadness and suffering of missing her because she was leaving.

I didn’t know I could be attached to another person to this level — ever. I went through cycles of being okay with it, to being sad about her leaving (missing her at this point), to drowning in music, to the cycle again.

I actually had a slight idea about her leaving because she was shooting videos about how to do her job, but I took nothing of it and just left it as an inconclusive possibility.

When I went back on Thursday (yeah, after a couple of days), she mentioned that she was leaving this job. She exactly said that, “Not getting into the personal stuff,” she “got a new job which pays 20k more,” and she “signed the offer letter.” And there was something more about how “she reconnected with an old friend,” and so on. It is a remote job, so that was pretty cool.

Well, I was genuinely very, very happy for her. She deserves all good in the world. I did tell her that maybe it is a scam or something, but it seemed like she had done her due diligence.

Then, I said, “This area is going to be very empty without you,” and that “We all will definitely miss you.”

You know, that day, I actually had some genuine conversation with her, where I actually did mention — in a very neutral version — my devastation. It was from a devastation to a minor, minor inconvenience, but that was still something, right?

She was so, so extra nice on that day that it made it even more devastating.

I obviously offered any kind of help I could give her with the stressful documentation of what her job involved — since the position isn’t well documented, and there were things she was over that she wanted to finish. She had very unexpectedly gotten the new job — she starts on Wednesday, one day from now.

I helped her with a lot of stuff, and I was glad I was able to.

You know, I had offered to stay extra time so she could take lunch breaks sometimes and always tried to be very nice to her. Why? I don't know.

I think it was partly because I wanted to repay the niceness she had given to the whole world, and partly because I felt very good helping a nice person — and her specifically.

I was also very nice to her and complimented her quite a bit on her skills and her work. That was probably because I thought she didn’t get complimented enough sheerly for how good of a job she actually did and also because she was quite skilled and didn’t know that she was.

As I mentioned before, she was way over-qualified for this job she was working at. She has a lot of potential to grow if she chooses to do so. She would probably need some guidance on a specific path because that is what I think she doesn’t have — knowledge of the standard and the path one could take to get to the top of the industry.

But anyways, she usually denied her compliments with “I try” in the beginning, and then mentioned, “She wasn’t good at taking compliments,” when we had a group of people just complimenting her different skills.

In that conversation, thank God she actually did accept that her skills are great — that she is very great at communication, and other skills. It was good to see her actually mention it herself that she had good skills.

She once mentioned how she calmed down her friend when their dog had died. I still believe she might end up becoming a therapist one day. Though, she will have to get licensed. She would be a good therapist.

Man, and let me tell you, she was extremely gifted in the art of reading. She literally reads 3 to 4 novels per week!! That is majorly impressive. We all mentioned that that is a literal superpower.

To which, she obviously tried to downplay by saying, “Well, I don’t have kids, and I live alone. So, I just go to work, go back home, so I have a lot of time to read,” and that “You guys don’t have time to read whatsoever because you are mostly busy with your studies.”

Nothing could be more untrue. She is seriously impressive when it comes to reading. And with her being a full-time employee, I don’t see how she has so much time. She is indeed a savant who disregards her own talents, purely out of humility.

After that, I kept saying she would be a great lawyer. At least she did take that compliment by mentioning a story of when she was little, and her mom was in law school, they had some kind of computer game they were supposed to complete.

She mentioned that she was able to finish that game with the highest score before any of the college students who were supposed to be able to do it. Not to mention, she was a literal kid at this time.

She also used to “read her mom’s law-school books.” I asked promptly, as anyone would, why she doesn’t want to become a lawyer when she has such potential for that. She said, “that is a moral grey area for me.” She is too good of a human to be honest.

She even had the little “Do the right thing even when nobody is watching” poster on wall on her side.

On that note, am I doing the right thing when nobody is watching me as I sit here on my shift? Is it the right thing to write this about her without her permission? Is it the right to use KSP in this post and allow for a possibility of someone who knows her find it? Will it still be a right thing if someone finds out about this? Is it right to use the snippets of the poem I gave her as a gift in the first place in this post? Not to mention allowing for a possibly of someone who she showed the poem to find this.

Anyways, I don’t have the answer for either of those questions. Afterall, all I do is wonder till I have a good enough answer. Maybe she would be the right person to answer this, but that’s not a possibility here, so yeah. We’ll leave those questions unanswered for the future.

Interestingly, this part of the story strangely reminds me about one of the episodes of the original Twilight Zone she once mentioned. I never told her, but I watched quite a lot of it. I did want to talk about this show with her. She loved talking about tv shows and books. I would have loved to talk to her about shows and books, to be honest.

Alas, she I don’t have any sort of way to contact her, and don’t think she would have wanted to, anyways. So yeah. Regardless, it would have been an interesting possibility to talk about books, tv shows, movies, and similar things with her.

Well, the episode she talked about is episode 8 of season 1, namely “Time Enough at Last.”

It was quite a good episode, actually. I enjoyed it. It was very sad too, though. The person in the end broke his glasses and couldn’t read the books he wanted to read (he was the last man on earth) and KSP mimicked what he said in the end: “There was so much time.”

She seemed very happy in doing so, almost as if she felt nostalgic. That is always quite an emotion in humans to see — to see them vibe with their own past, especially when it is nostalgic. It is always a grand sight to behold. She was also very nostalgic about the Simpsons. That was one those shows her dad (I believe) let her watch past her bedtime secretly and sneakily. Quite a sight to witness people being happy, honestly.

This also reminds me of that one time when people were talking about quitting in general. KSP jokingly mentioned that “Oh, you guys are not allowed to quit,” followed with “No, I won’t stop you for that. Whatever you wanna do for your career, you are allowed to of course quit.”

Sometimes I really do wonder about the intentions or reasons behind why people say some stuff. I am somewhat sure that it is purely for the sake of making conversation. And, when I look back at it, there was a glint of sadness in that sentence when she said it.

Maybe it is that she hates when people leave, or when things change. It might as well be that she was very happy with the team she had.

Funny story, but she always used to say I was a lucky charm in the first few weeks I started working here. That was so because the place was dead silent in the middle of the working semester. I can’t share more because it would become even more obvious what place I am talking about, which I don’t mind if someone finds it, but there are other things to consider.

And that was literally not only the beginning point of our diverse conversations about many, many interesting topics but also a tipping point. How it started is I said, “I don’t believe in luck” because of a deterministic framework of the world and that it is impossible to prove “free will.” After that I mentioned that “though, it doesn’t matter, we are gonna die anyways.” To which she said, “Oh, you have a philosophical take huh.” She probably didn’t say that exactly, but something close to it. She meant to say that “oh you are into philosophy huh.”

Now, more about what problems would arise if someone else finds this. The first thought in their mind would be “Oh this guy is so obsessed” or that “oh this guy has gone through some crazy devastation; I should feel pity for him.”

The last thing I want is someone to do or think either of these things about me. It just takes away one’s human dignity.

I mean journaling is a very common practice. The only difference is that this is a much more detailed journal about a very specific part of my life.

If you are someone I know and have read this, I would have no issue whatsoever talking about this and feel free to bring this up, but keep those two things away in conversations, even if you do feel them. Rest, please keep in mind the purpose of this is to discover and more deeply understand the human condition. And keep in mind that I have moved on from almost every form of sadness that would come with it, and I am doing completely fine! Thanks for wondering about that!

So that was that. The discussion of mostly the first half of the 4 months.

Well, little did we know that she would be the one quitting in a few months’ time. Quite unexpected.

You know, I don't know what she thought of that super-kindness from my side (This refers to the above where I mentioned I used to compliment her a lot for specific reasons). You know, maybe she did think I had some form of feelings for her. This was also the point where I wanted to read her mind to know what she actually thinks about this.

Before I get into more detail about the above, I do believe it is necessary to mention an important detail. She wasn’t only nice. People weren’t only drawn to her because she was nice. She was extremely charismatic as well. She was a very unique blend of great character, niceness, kindness, and a charismatic personality. I’m telling you; I am very good at determining people. This is all I have done since I was born, and this assessment is accurate.

Now, getting back to the previous part.

Actually, it's crazy, but I did mention to her that I don't like to receive compliments because they invoke some form of standard of superiority.

That was probably the only time she was actually kind of mad — and kind of hurt — with what I said. She said, “but those are because I want you to feel appreciated” in a very hurt tone. I regret ever bringing this up and uttering it. I genuinely felt bad about that. What I meant was that humans use all of these standards somewhere for differences in superiority, even though some don't mean to use it that way. And guess what! I didn’t clarify this for her. Dude, why do I rarely say the right thing at the right time? Every time I know I need to say the right thing, I don’t and just freeze up!! Why!

I did ask a bit later if she thinks “One should do good because the action is good or if it is done for the sake of the person you are doing good for.” I think she might have understood my original comment based on this, maybe.

This is where she mentioned her “Do good when no one is watching” poster.

However, It just makes me very angry when I know something like that exists and is used by people to create fake, made-up standards of superiority (all are).

I should have asked her to please, please disregard it — but I never did. Maybe someday she reads this — very, very improbable — but yeah, I take that back. Forget that BS I said. It's all about my personal philosophy.

Damn, sometimes I hate it, truly.

Anyways, the devastation grew each second I was there. I actually never told her, but most of the time I was working there with her, I always looked forward to seeing her the next day. I always looked forward to having a conversation with her — to being in her presence. I don’t know why — I just liked to hang around her.

Yeah, and I definitely looked forward to her enthusiasm-filled greetings every day. She probably thinks nothing of it, but it’s the little things, always.

That day, she was humming in a certain kind of way — that was emotion-filled. She was clearly very emotional about leaving too. I don’t think that will ever come out of my mind now, ever.

I think after that day, she was clearly very stressed about finishing everything. I had a conversation with her about how she should “not care about work so much,” “she gets too invested in things,” “she should be able to let go,” and so on.

I truly believe she did take that to heart and followed it. I was very glad I was able to help.

I specifically also told her that the smaller your circle of things you care about is, the better it is for you — the better you are mentally, and the more peaceful you are.

Out of everything, this is one of the things I really wanted her to remember. It is probably one of the truest things I can think of that are out there.

This was where she almost cried, which I mentioned before. I didn’t want her to know that I saw that in the trembling of her voice — so I just ignored it. I wouldn’t want to put whole conversations here, so yeah.

Though I do believe she remembers everything we talked about — ever.

You know, she actually always used to say that she “never remembers anything,” but she eerily remembers everything we talked about. Maybe not all — but 99.9%. She once forgot that we talked about Twilight. God, I really do remember everything about all human interactions I’ve been in.

I guess that is a blessing and a curse.

However, I am sure I’ll forget all of this after some time, so I’ll probably post it here or keep it in writing.

She also never shared much personal stuff. She once mentioned a guy — a friend of a friend — who said, “Oh, you’re intimidating,” or “You’re intimidating to men” because she didn’t compliment his thoughts.

Like, bruh, she is not your mother.

I never said anything at that moment. I didn’t want to show any of the anger I had for the hypocrisy and sheer delusion of that person. He definitely had an ego problem.

I did mention that some men just have an “ego problem where they are offended when women talk to them on an equal level or challenge them because they think women are inferior.”

I wish I had said more, to be honest. I always don’t speak up on occasions where I should. Maybe it is some form of destiny, but I will indeed try one day and see what the other side is like, just maybe.

I think that day was one of the only days when KSP was having quite a bad day. She did say she just wanted the day to “just end.”

You know the conundrum with nice people is that people do notice their niceness but never mention it. They always appreciate it in silence, and nothing else. I don’t know why. It is certainly a sad trait of humans.

Getting back to the original story, I think she took the guys’ comments too seriously, unfortunately, and thought they was true. I think she knew it wasn’t true, but her mind was clouded by what was said and probably her feeling sad, she was just hurt, and cognitive dissonance surely. Her belief is that she has to be a good and nice person, who is the opposite of quarrelsome. When the guys mentioned that comment, it contradictory of her beliefs, so it caused cognitive dissonance. She definitely thought she was the one who was in the wrong, given that the hideous friend and his friend both agreed that “she is intimidating.”

I wish I could have told her the reality of the situation, where she was not in the wrong in the slightest.

Well, I guess that’s another addition to the list of things I wish I had said in the moment — in the 4 months.

But yeah, some people — I can’t. They are so hypocritical. They want other people to accept their “great” thoughts but don’t want to do the same when someone disagrees. So pathetic.

Anyway, I don’t think she would have mentioned this, but she specifically did because at that time me and my friend were talking, and she was working, and she politely said, “You both should take your intellectual conversation there so that I can work.”

She really thought that was offensive, but that was far from it, lol. It was actually very fair to say, and I am really hard to offend too. However, she did say she was sorry if she was rude — and man, she didn’t seem to be having a good day. She just wanted the day to end. I felt bad for her.

But God, she is so kind, and people still can’t see it. Crazy, right?

I also just remembered how she downplays every time she is complimented about being nice. She never accepts it, truly, lol. I mentioned why before.

She also did a funny accent about how the guy would have wanted her to talk, which was very funny. I actually accidentally mentioned that in front of other people once, and she asked when she said/did that. I had to, unfortunately, pretend I didn’t remember when she mentioned it because I wasn’t sure if she wanted me to mention that to other people — so yeah.

The Last Day

So now is the last day — which was today.

She was actually very happy and greeted me with the same enthusiastic name greeting, which was even more enthusiastic today, which I was so glad to see. Today was also the 10th time she actually said she was having a good day. She was so happy and not devastated that it was as if I could metaphorically die at that moment — because I saw some other human so happy.

We talked a bit about some books. She kept saying, “Bittersweet,” which her leaving indeed was. There were also talks of her leaving and her being erased from the system. Yeah… sad.

She wasn’t that busy today and wasn’t stressed at all. It’s sad that today was the last day she will ever say, “Did anything happen when I was gone?” after coming back from her lunch break.

It’s the last day I’ll hear her enthusiastic greeting or her enthusiastic personality.

I was genuinely counting the minutes until my 4-hour shift ended because maybe a part of me didn’t want it to end so I could spend time being in her presence. I don’t know why — I just wanted to. There was also a task she told me to do. I truly did not want to do it and just wanted to spend time being in her presence.

Maybe I was looking for some kind of solace — which would never come, as expected.

I was still wearing the bleak expression on my face, being unable to tell her that it is devastating that she is leaving. I saw everyone hug her. I saw everyone sharing Instagrams with her (she got back on Instagram just to stay in touch). It’s sad that people do that, but almost no one ever reaches out. Part of me wanted to as well, but I genuinely couldn’t decide.

She did mention, “She’ll post if she does something cool.” I don’t have Instagram, neither did I ask her to stay in touch. After all, I just knew her for a brief 4 months, but still wanted to, tbh. She is a fun person, after all. I mean I have countless friends I talk to, which was also very nice. However, it is still sad to see a nice & a fun person go, always. Is that selfish? I don’t know. Maybe it is. Maybe that is why the virtuous thing is to let it go, which I have already.

I don’t know what she thought. Maybe she didn’t want to because it was actually sad for her? She was sad about leaving everyone there but said nothing of my case. I wonder why so. Maybe because of the disparity between or maybe she just hated me or disliked me, which is entirely probable.

I don’t know why — maybe because she thought I didn’t care, which was clearly not true whatsoever, but then again that is probably the impression I gave her. Maybe she wanted to move on from whatever pain she had knowing me? Who knows. Again, mind reading would have been great here.

I saw everyone hug her and leave, one after the other, like drops of water falling from the sky. Of course, I never did — very much because I mentioned that I don’t like touching other humans. Even if she offered, I would have refused because I didn’t want to remember. That was the rational case. The “this is what I wanna do” part of me did want to give her a goodbye hug. But then again, I probably wouldn’t do so because of my philosophy. This must be the 1000th time I have mentioned that, lol.

I barely got over the fact she was leaving, even after three weeks’ time spent trying to, after all.

She also didn’t share any form of social media or any kind of email. I didn’t either. Was that the best thing to do? It was well in line with my philosophy, but is my philosophy right here?

Now that I think back, I think she didn’t because I had mentioned to her repeatedly that I was against using social media, that I don’t use social media, and that I hate social media.

She probably thought it was too out of line to ask someone to download social media just for them to stay in touch. Or maybe she thought that me saying “I don’t use social media” was some sort of message that I don’t want to stay in touch. And 4 months isn’t when you stay in touch with people, honestly. I guess that’s why? That seems to be the most probable reason.

Though, realistically, I don’t think there was anything to stay in touch with anyways. She barely knew anything about me, she is 15 years older than me, and so on. I don’t know. I don’t think I could ever decide between either side, or if either side was the right one or the wrong one. Actually, I change that thought. She would have been great to talk about movies or tv shows or books or even get book recommendations from her, and generally talk about anything relating to philosophy politics, or anything that exists out there. I think she liked philosophy too.

On one side, I would have wanted to out of purely desiring it, I guess, but on the rational side, I couldn’t see a reason why to. Nah, that’s a lie.

Actually, maybe she was happy that I seemed to be one person that at least wasn’t sad about her going. I guess I’m happy she thought that. Maybe that is part of the reason I don’t show any kind of sadness to humans.

I think it is much better if I am the one who takes on the burden of all sadness and stay positive so that other humans don’t have to. I think it is great that humans know about the example of staying positive being a “possibility” even if it is in others. Many don’t like to admit it, but this is widely seeked for by most humans. Maybe that is why I never told her. I try to make it sound noble, but I don’t think it is. There were definitely other reasons I don’t know of.

I had truly built a great deception it seems like — not willingly, but out of habit. The habit that was a result of my personal philosophy.

You can clearly see I had very strong post decision cognitive dissonance, but I have learned to deal with it. The road not taken philosophy, stop caring, understand some things are out of control, remember that you can’t change he past so there is literally no point in thinking of it.

“The only past that matters is the one we create right now” “The only future that matters is the one we create right now”

Whatever she had in her mind for what framework she had about me, she probably wanted to end and forget — which is what I want to do too.

Moving forward, during the beginning of my shift on her last day, someone had a YouTube song playlist link posted in the office Teams. That playlist has a very interesting story behind it.

There was some welcoming of a new employee, where KSP had the great idea of having everyone play a person-song guessing game (it happened a few years ago, so I wasn’t there).

So, what she did is she asked everyone around the office to send her 5 songs that represent them the best (5 because she anticipated people sending the same songs, which came out to be true. I know, genius).

After that, she picked one song for everyone out of 5, which she thought was the most interesting and the game was set. Then they had to play the songs and choose which person actually chose the song. It sounds like they had quite a lot of fun.

Well, besides that, what was left of that game was the playlist.

KSP challenged me to guess the song that she picked. She mentioned that “She will be very impressed if I get it right because no one in the office got it right.”

Well, there were 18 songs or so, so I decided to read the lyrics. It took me quite some time to read through the song lyrics, and I eventually narrowed it down to three songs.

Also, she kind of cheated because she said that the song she chose for herself was based upon “how well she could perform it.” She had performed it many times during karaoke. It was also a duet, and she could perform both.

Maybe she was lying and embarrassed or just shy to accept that that song actually represents her.

Getting back to me guessing. When I was about to decide between the three songs, she suddenly told me the answer. Sad. I was about to guess it.

Did she think I lost interest or something? Did she not catch it when I said I was going to read the lyrics of all of the songs? Well, who knows. Can’t read her mind.

Well, it would have been fun to guess her song correctly. It would give me some of reassurance that I actually know her. Why would I need that? Well, I think everyone hate it when they can’t tell people are being genuine or they can’t know what is going in their minds. I am not saying in any way she was not genuine, but I have a constant compulsion to understand the behavior of other humans, maybe of certainty or curiosity. However, I am very sure now that I actually don’t know her at all. There are several different parts of her that she never revealed to me. It is obvious now.

Also, I was kind of surprised that that was the song she chose. Only because it seemed like she gets flustered really easily, and that song was quite sweet. Exactly why I think I don’t know her at all.

Time for the big reveal. Her song was “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” by Meat Loaf. Here are a few lines at the beginning:

I remember every little thing

As if it happened only yesterday

Parking by the lake

And there was not another car in sight

And I never had a girl

Looking any better than you did

And all the kids at school

They were wishing they were me that night

And now our bodies are oh so close and tight

It never felt so good, it never felt so right

And we're glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife

Glowing like the metal on the edge of a knife

C'mon! Hold on tight!

“I remember every little thing / As if it happened only yesterday” — this is very true and similar to her. She indeed remembers every little thing people say.

I guess that’s both me and her.

The rest, I don’t know. It seems like her vibe, for sure, but definitely not her specifically. Maybe she is a romantic. I don’t know, she doesn’t seem like the type. Actually, she is very much in touch with her emotions so she might secretly be so. However, if she is, I can definitely say she doesn’t show that whatsoever. Wait, I think everyone has a dark side too. I wonder what her dark side is.

Or maybe she doesn’t. I don’t usually believe in these nuanced and generalized statements about humans, but yeah, why would I deny the possibility?

But then again, it might be who she actually is.

I guess I semi-like the song. It’s pretty good rock music. I think it actually represents one of the moments in her life — maybe exactly mentioned in the song.

However, it’s really that whenever people relate to music, it’s because they listened to that song at an emotionally vulnerable phase of their life or something similar to that. Or they actually relate to that song from some time in their life, not transcendentally.

Safe to say that she cheated in the game if this song was chosen just because she knew how to easily perform it and not by the metric that it represents her the best. Yeah, bummer.

Not to mention that I was surprised that she could perform this song in karaoke because she gets flustered so easily — just to tease her that time. However, I couldn’t mention it to her. Words sometimes don’t really want to work well with you. Sometimes they are hard to work with.

So many things were left unsaid on that day. So many things left unheard.

You know, one day I would want to do something really nice, big, and good for her — for all her kindness. Yeah, anonymously.

I actually had an elaborate plan about how I would buy her a new iPhone during the end of summer. I would put it in a package that would be indistinguishable and say that some random person left this for KSP.

I had an elaborate plan about how there would be no way she could suspect me.

Well, that wasn’t gonna happen now. (It would have been kind of obvious if done sooner because of a lot of reasons.)

I’ll do something nice for her in the future if things fall together. How will I find her information? I don’t know. But if it is fated, it will happen.

Anyways, she once mentioned that she writes poems. That is where I thought, yeah, maybe I should write her a goodbye poem. Part of the reason was also just as a gesture to praise her kindness and so on.

Honestly, it was a high-risk endeavor. People who write poems are usually very sensitive to the quality of writing — especially the poets. I swear if someone tells me poems are supposed to rime, I’m going to punch them. They have a very narrow view of the art of poetry.

Don’t get me wrong, I think I write good poems, and the poem I wrote for her was one of my very good works. But then again, it is always a hit or a miss with poetry.

Unfortunately, I don’t know if she liked it or not, and probably never will — unless she comes to visit once and mentions the poem in the conversation at all, and visits when I’m actually here on shift.

Regardless, I researched a lot over the internet for how appropriate giving a poem as a goodbye note would be.

People of Reddit obviously had mixed reactions, and that was mostly for very cringy and weird poems — which I made sure mine was not, and it usually isn’t. Not a fan of exaggeration or human worship after all.

Well, maybe fate brings it together and she actually reads this till the end. Then she’ll probably know all about it.

However, I am 80% sure she had a positive reaction. To be fair to myself, I did ask her how she was with goodbye notes.

She said, “You can write me anything.”

Crazy story — but I prepared a whole defense in my mind for the day after I sent her the poem, in case she said it’s weird or something. I prepare for all possibilities, lmao

Though, props to her — she didn’t read the poem I sent her and other people’s goodbye cards until after she left, which was today. Or at least that’s what she says.

I partly suspect she did read my poem before I showed up the next working day, which was a couple of days after, I believe. Why do I think so? Her behavior changed. She seemed distant.

It is entirely possible — and probably the more probable case — that she was actually letting go of everything there.

Then again, when I told her today, minutes before I was going to leave, that I made sure she had both the documents downloaded (because one is the poem and the second is the explanation for that), she just said, “Oh, you wrote a poem, that’s great,” almost as if she actually knew it already.

Maybe she got distant because she thought I had some sort of insane attachment to her. But at that point, I was almost over the attachment part — not the sadness of leaving part, though.

However, to be fair to her, the scenario was very, very plausible to that possibility for her. First, I mentioned to her about how she is with goodbye notes. Then I told her I had already written her one. She was expecting a physical one. Then I told her, it is a pdf that I sent you. And then I tell her “I will send an explanation pdf later because some parts will need explaining, which you’ll understand when you read it.” This literally screams there is some form of love confession, which is what she probably thought too? I don’t know, I would have thought that if I was in her shoes. Maybe that is why she got all red.

I actually mentioned the “Oh I wrote you a poem that is why you need the explanation document as well” (full sentence and context mentioned before) in the reply to “And I am going to read what you sent me that I have downloaded.” It was to make sure she actually remembered to download the explanation document as well.

And honestly, I don’t think she downloaded it.

Maybe I should have been more upfront and asked her about it clearly. Maybe I should have indeed.

Then again, I suspect she did go back today to find the explanation PDF, and I do believe she did actually have access to her Teams account until today.

Alas, we will never know.

So, as mentioned before, instead of the summer iPhone plan, I wrote her a goodbye poem. It was about how nice she is, how she impacts other people, and so on.

I specifically made sure I mentioned that—in the brief time other people knew her, they all befriended her — but after she has left, they will never stop loving her.

The snippet from the poem:

For it is the moon that everyone befriends as it rises

to the call of the night.

And yet, it is all under the pale moonlight

who never stop loving the moon,

And that she is held dear by the whole world, even though she doesn’t know it:

that it is held dear

by the whole world?

There was also some concern for her being so nice.

I mean, someone who is genuinely nice has probably gone through some form of suffering — and she probably did.

Being nice, hearing people’s problems, all while no one else does it for you has to be quite a big burden.

(As I mentioned before, everyone shares personal stuff with her — except me, of course.)

Here is the line from the poem that depicted that:

Is it you that burns?

Of course, I didn’t mention the whole poem or the context, so she doesn't think it's copied when it shows up in a Google search and Tumblr doesn’t let her see the post without logging in or something.

It also makes it less probable she will see this.

Also, there was one other line in the poem:

Still, it glimmers on them—

like the rose in the night sky.

I never actually mentioned the reason for why “the rose in the night sky” was specifically mentioned or where I got the idea from to KSP — not even in the basic explanation of the poem I gave her.

It was because her full first name (not the abbreviated one she uses) reminds me of a red rose for some reason.

You know, it always seemed like she hated her full first name and that is why she uses a shorter version of it.

However, I find her full first name to be much more sophisticated and beautiful, to be honest.

Well, getting back to the last moments of her last day.

She was sitting near the front office area with three other staff members as they were filling out the necessary paperwork for her quitting.

After that was done, it was 10–15 minutes before closing time.

During the time they were actually doing all the forms, I was again quite sad that she was leaving us. It almost appeared on my face, and maybe it actually did, but I’m sure no one could see through my bleak expression, which is always there.

She was now sitting where she had sat for the entirety of 4 months — on my left side, in the corner. It was actually really close to my desk, and I could talk to her easily, even if she whispered. It was also open side to side, so I could see her too. That was the image of the area.

There was so much in my mind I wanted to say about so many things, but I had no words to actually say.

The only thing I said was, “Best of luck for the future, KSP.”

To which she said, “Hope it’s actually good.”

To which I said, “Yeah, don’t worry, it will be. You get to see your family as well now.”

And then I said, “I do have to leave now,” after which I got up and then gave a goodbye with both of my hands, shaking them in the air, and said, “Goodbye.”

That was all — and then I left. It was 5 PM.

After I left and walked back home, it was quite a sad walk. It felt like the end of an era. The end of a pleasant era.

If KSP is actually reading this and you have reached this point:

Hello! This post was quite the story, right?

It was very nice knowing you!

I’ll never forget you, and your impact will be there for a lifetime. I learned so much from you, and will be stealing many of your lines, lol. Especially the “I try” one.

Also, I remember you mentioned you were just a bit “soft” moments before I left because when you were our age, you didn’t have good experiences with the places you worked at.

You weren’t just a bit soft — you made a huge difference.

It’s almost as if I learned a new way to be nice from you, and so many other things. I’ll never be able to forget how nice you were and will carry it forward — spreading more niceness just because you were nice.

And yeah, you weren’t a great supervisor or great at your job just because you “had a nice personality.” You are actually quite skilled.

I never told you this, but you will be easily able to get a 6-figure job in the future, and I predict that you will — just put in effort and choose the right path to getting there.

You have great experience with communication, are great at it, and could work in a multitude of different fields for almost every big company on Earth.

Please do keep reading if you would like to! Hope this keeps you entertained. I mean you probably will get done with this entire document in like 10 min. This 46-page post is like pocket change for you.

Moving on, I remember once when her face got all red because I told her I wrote her something as a goodbye note and would need to send another document to explain it.

I don’t really know what she expected to be in there to have her face get flustered.

Lol, it was funny when she mentioned, “Oh, what are we gonna do with you?” right after I mentioned that, while her face was busy getting all red.

I think she probably thought that that goodbye note was some form of confession, to be honest (As mentioned before). I would literally think the same if I were in her position.

Well, I guess that I did love her— but not the usual kind. It was the kind known as philia, actually, I guess. (I couldn’t bring myself to write this in first person, too hard to do that).

In classical terms, the Greeks called this philía — a love rooted in deep friendship, admiration, and appreciation of someone’s character, morals, and kindness.

It’s not about romantic or physical attraction, but about who the person is — their essence.

Or as they say in Japanese tradition:

“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?” (The poem did not mean this anywhere. The poem was just praise, concern, observation, and some other stuff.)

It burns slowly but deeply. Maybe that’s why it took me quite some time to get over it. Then again, usually it takes like 6 months to get over something like this, but it took me just a month and a half on and off, and it wasn’t really as devastating as one would imagine. It was manageable, but barely though. It was still quite painful, but I got through it, as I said I would. That too without even talking to anyone about this. Safe to say my philosophy does work.

Ah, it could have been worse.

So that was how all of this happened.

What happens now?

This is the next day after she has left.

I’m pretty sure this will end here, and I will make sure it does. I will make a conscious effort to do so, in case the need arises.

You know, in the end, if I look back at all things — maybe she was the one who pulled the greatest deception. She might have actually disliked me, which seems somewhat plausible. She definitely had the skills to pull that, for sure.

I have almost moved on. I don’t feel anything but just a bit of sadness.

I sit here right in this office as I write this. This time she isn’t here.

When I came here, it sure felt empty and quiet. The energy isn’t the same anymore. That enthusiasm is missing from the air now.

Everyone here seems too uninterested and sad. It is written on their faces, even if they don’t show it.

When I look back, I do think that I might have made the right decision to never show any form of attachment or emotion. It certainly protected me from being looked down upon — which, believe me, would be a real possibility.

She would definitely not think highly of me — not sure even if she does right now — but I believe that I at least preserved my honor & dignity.

It is so unbelievable to think that I actually cared about, after a long time, what someone thinks about me — but thankfully it was not apparent in my face by pretending not to care.

I believe I did run a deception which I didn’t even do willingly, but it did save my sanctity.

I almost feel normal now, and a part of me is glad that she left — because it was so much against my philosophy.

Actually, I strongly believe it was destined to turn out this way. However, I won’t mention why. That is something I want to have just for myself.

Since I have had memories from, the world always seems to take away from me the things I get even slightly attached to.

It is so bizarre to think, but I believe that it is almost as if there is this exact lesson that has been repeatedly taught to me since I can remember:

“Do not be attached to this world. That will only cause you suffering.”

I am very sure that is what happened here too. It was too unexpected and surprising to not be divine intervention.

Well, I have learned my lesson yet again, as I did when I wrote the poem “Never Give All Heart.”

The point of the poem was to highlight how one shouldn’t go all out in loving others or being emotionally dependent on them or giving away all of your heart to others.

Rather, you must do it in moderation, so in case things don’t work out, you are not devastated, and don’t lose yourself for six months or even years to come.

Interestingly, it seems like this will be the universal truth of my life that will never leave me— which might be actually good.

I think that is the only weakness I have: the suffering that comes after attachment or love. I do believe love (romantic love specifically or any other except platonic love) is the greatest weakness humans have.

I mean, I don’t get attached easily whatsoever, but when I do, it surely is devastating.

It’s summer now. They will soon replace her position with a new candidate.

This time, I will make sure to put even more guards, while also pretending, so that the same doesn’t happen again.

However, I already know it is unlikely.

So that was my pride-filled philosophy — an impenetrable castle that came crumbling down because of someone’s character.

Do I regret it happening? Not really. These kinds of experiences always teach you so much.

You know, even though I am fond of her character right now, I am pretty sure I will end up disliking her in the future. Actually, I change my mind on that. I’m very sure that I won’t hate her, ever. I think I am actually incapable of hating other people forever.

It might be that I always end up disliking things that take away control of myself from me — which is no different here. I will maybe hate myself for giving up that control. Nah, I don’t think I will. I don’t regret gaining new experiences. However, there could have been better ways to go about it.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s me I will hate — for having overlooked things.

However, in hindsight, I have officially gotten over caring about this ordeal.

I have officially moved over to the beginning of another phase.

To tell you honestly, I don’t hate anything about it. I might have even liked it.

I’m very glad about the experience. I learned a lot of new life philosophy.

Speaking about things I learned — I truly now believe that I have always desired things, and maybe all humans have, that last forever.

Maybe they are a form of content.

Greatness lasts forever, achievements last forever, work lasts forever, philosophies last forever.

Good deeds last forever and beyond.

It is only people’s presence that doesn’t.

It is true that the ideas and memories of people do last — however, they seem to be a very bad copy of the original.

Sometimes they romanticize people too much, and sometimes, they are not the grand picture.

Safe to say that memories are just what they are named as: memories. Cheap copies. I’m sure I’ll look back to this time as nostalgia too in 10 years, maybe sooner. Fun times I suppose.

And maybe there are people who love to have things that don't last — I wouldn’t know why, I wouldn’t be able to imagine why.

Now that I look back, all through my life I have seen everyone just with a desire to find permanence in things.

Maybe that’s why people who seek happiness or pleasure are never truly content.

There is no permanence in them. They are both temporary.

But I really do think I would rather collect all things that last me a lifetime.

Maybe that's why I hate the world and life — it's all temporary. There is no point. Or maybe there is.

The friends you make or the people you love will never last, and neither will you, and neither will anything of yours.

I believe there is a grand recorder of all things, so maybe just there we all last forever.

Even then, we would be just a page in the biggest story ever written. I truly believe I will stand one day in front of the one who sees everything. He will judge me for what I used to do. He will indeed even ask me about this writing too. And if he finds anything wrong with this, I am sure this text itself acts as a witness against me. I put hope in his mercy. Anyways.

Indeed, one’s love will never last or amount to anything. Your emotions will not amount to anything.

Whatever you experience will not amount to anything.

People say there is discomfort in knowing that you don’t matter or that you are just an infinitely small part in the grand scheme of the universe.

I find myself in disagreement.

It relieves one to know that you don’t matter. That you don’t have a purpose you serve. Though, I don’t believe that is true. I do believe humans have a very well-defined purpose. This is all just for the sake for putting arguments against people who claim the above.

That if you don’t do anything, it won’t amount to any change.

It is indeed glorious that we don’t matter, if what people say is true.

Alas, that was the first day without KSP.

The 2nd Day After KSP

As I am here writing this while at my shift on the 2nd day without KSP, I realize yet again that almost nothing truly matters. Some things very much do, but the things that matter to me truly, I will never tell anyone. Those are all mine, mine and mine alone.

All the worry about appearances in front of people, their thoughts, their actions— they all seem to wither away in nothingness.

All this worry about so many things in the modern life, even when it is so fleeting and meaningless. So temporary and short-lived.

I believe God has told me multiple times:

“Do whatever you wish, He is always watching.”

It is only this line — and another single argument — that is the whole reason I choose to live in the world.

Otherwise, I would have no reason to live or not live. It would be another indecision. An indecision that would prompt me to do nothing in the world.

I never did indeed share this thought with anyone and never will, probably.

Of course, this doesn’t affect me, but I am very sure that it would devastate most humans.

Maybe all humans do live in this delusion — the delusion that life matters, that life is beautiful, that life is meaningful.

I once almost talked about it without thinking with KSP.

What happened is what I expected would happen — she was not happy, even though she might have said otherwise.

She did once say, “Her purpose is something she just chooses it to be.”

I did debate that it still isn’t an objective purpose or anything meaningful, so why would you choose so?

It seemed like she had previously struggled with this exact question. It was as if there were tears attached to this thought of hers.

She was good at hiding her emotions, but at that moment, I am sure this line from the poem I wrote fits her perfectly:

Actually, I won’t share that. I think that as a gift meant for her, it should stay just with her. And if she is the one reading this, she knows it’s the lines from the first stanza about how things (turmoil) going on inside peoples’ heads is usually on their faces, even if they attempt to hide it.

That is, it described when people have something on their mind and they try to hide it with silence — they all fail because it is so obviously on their faces.

It was on her face. Hiding behind her slight smiling expression.

I also remember her saying, “I’m gonna throw you off a building,” when I mentioned one of the other existential truths.

I did realize for sure then that this makes her quite anxious — after which, I never mentioned anything like that ever again. I hope she forgives me for all of the anxiety I might have caused her with these.

But, the only things that remain for a brief period of time are their actions.

I think I have finally cracked the code to life — at least the life I believe I will want to lead.

Lead with actions that have lifetime effects, that are permanent. That shall never leave, ever.

For that is my only temporary weakness.

Maybe suffering does have some form of meaning. I always knew I would learn something very meaningful from suffering.

Maybe the purpose of suffering is to take from temporary to build up permanence.

Maybe temporary is the originator of permanence — and “change” the originator of no change.

I also found something else. I knew it already, but maybe now it's even more concrete.

Happiness is one of the greatest causes of suffering.

The problem with happiness is that it creates a possibility and a certainty of suffering.

So much so that even happiness loses its meaning.

It is indeed true that all things that have distinct opposites (not just absence and presence — but happiness and sadness, where both are distinct) create a possibility of some form of suffering, with happiness being one of the biggest.

The risk is quite profound.

To know happiness, you need to know what sadness is — or else you wouldn’t know what happiness is in the first place.

I think only peace is one of those things that has no suitable opposite we can experience suffering through.

Maybe the goal of life should be peace — to not feel any emotions except that of calmness.

Maybe peace is the absence of all emotions.

You don’t need to know suffering to know what peace feels like.

Indeed, the only opposite of peace is feeling absolutely nothing — which no one would know what it is like.

What does peace feel like?

The best I can describe it is to explain when I feel peace.

It is when there is a sunny spring day with gentle breezes — the day that is neither too hot nor too cold.

The only things you can hear on that day are the buzzing of bugs and the chirping of birds, and the very low sound of the blowing of wind. When you can hear the slight rustling of trees as they are hit by the wind. When you see flowers, grass, trees, and clouds slowly dance to the rhythm of the wind.

When the sun is covered by the clouds and revealed back again repeatedly.

The only thing you hear is the silence ringing in your ears.

The sky is blue; you can daydream watching the mesmerizing clouds — the time when it feels like all humans have disappeared.

It is when it rained just a few days ago and there is no dust in the air.

Everything looks so clear, beautiful, colorful, cheerful, peaceful, and vivid.

It is when all inanimate things whisper to you, and you can wonder about anything in the world.

When you don’t have a single care in the world.

The time when you are in awe of existence itself.

When it feels like everything is slowly withering away with the arrow of time.

It is something that is always there, but no one is certain of this fact. How sad.

In the end, I think I did prove KSP wrong though.

I did go through suffering without therapy and will do so till the end of my life.

Why?

Maybe I dislike asking for help because I find it dishonorable to require other people’s help or to be dependent.

Maybe I am embarrassed to reach out for help.

I think it is a mix of both, I suppose.

As I type these last few words, I look back on all of the memories of the past four months, and I have no thoughts about it, neither have I kept any doubts about them.

It just is and always will be.

It is a sign of moving on.

I feel completely normal now. I don’t feel moments fleeting away now. I feel stillness.

Sadness has passed. All sorrows have passed. All regrets have withered away.

I am at peace yet again.

Writing this helped quite a bit, I must say.

Alas, I have finally regained my dignity and self-control.

Moving forward, I think I will be more open to connecting to others, maybe.

Overall, I think it was a great experience.

And now, I shall wait for the next one.

#long reads #long post #introspection #shower thoughts #overthinking #life #short story #nonfiction #love #philosophy #self reflection #experience #sadnees #resilience #friends #words #spilled writing #spilled words

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