#introspection overthinking

[blood-orange-juice]

Finished rewriting 3rd chapter of Transcendere (a fic about Childe's early years in the Fatui) just in time for Genuary. It's less contemplatively angsty and more scary/unsettling now.

Enjoy, if you decide to reread ^^ I still think it's my best fic.

[mochiajclayne]

law playing casual by chappel roan after the alliance is over and penguin snitched to usopp about it (they became besties way back in zou) only to get an update that luffy requests the same song to brook then both pirate groups concluded that their captains are pining, in love, dramatic

bonus: zoro was the one who introduced the song to law because he was going through it while sanji was away and law initially thought he was dramatic until the feelings fucked him too hard to the point that he can relate

[kaihnee]

and when i lie alone in bed at night, i feel an overwhelming urge to tear my skin off. the silence that suddenly envelops me and the thoughts that stream through my mind, unstoppable and unbearable, consume me. the ringing in my ears, which i try to muffle with music, the bluish, almost radiant light of the moon shining through my window and faintly illuminating my room, the soft fabric of my blanket brushing against my cold skin as i toss and turn.

in these moments, i think of everything that has ever led me to feel the way i do now. i want to sink into this sorrow, into this nostalgia. i hold on to the beautiful moments of the past, replaying them over and over in my mind, because for a brief moment, they actually feel real.

but then, i suddenly feel something warm trailing down my cheek - a tear. the proof that i am still alive. and with that tear comes the realization that, despite everything, i still long for this life - a life i had thought i no longer had a reason to continue.

[in-tenebris-et-in-solitudine]

Overthinking killed my happiness, but I was right all the time.

[tempire]

Frankenstein's butterfly

I am stuck in my cocoon of introspection

Hoping that brewing in here will make me something beautiful and free

But I always emerge uglier than ever

Deformed, misplaced, creature of evil

This cannot be what God intended when he created the butterfly

I keep thinking that if I jump back into the acid I can put back things where they were supposed to be

Dig a little deeper and find out the reason things turned out so wrong

But each time I come out more and more damaged

I can’t find the needle in the haystack

Burn the fucking barn

[sanriogirly99]

Am I the only one who likes to make up stories or scenarios about people I have never met before and will most likely never speak to?

For example: today I was driving with my boyfriend and we drove past a house with two young guys sitting on the roof just chilling. In my head, it warmed my heart to see because the way I imagined the scenario was that one of the guys was going through something earlier. Maybe he lost his job or broke up with a partner they had been with for a long time. Maybe they're going through something financially and he just wanted to talk to his best friend. It's almost like a movie in that scene where the main character has a deep conversation with their best friend.

Another example is there is this courthouse/office building I drive past at night when I come home from my boyfriend's house and I always notice that at the top floor, there's always a light on in one of the offices. For as long as I've lived where I live I've always wondered why that light is always on. It's a pretty official-looking building so I always imagine maybe a lawyer or a judge working late-night hours because they're behind on a ton of paperwork for a very important case. Or maybe it's midnight janitorial staff that comes in late at night to make sure the offices are clean for the next day. Or it's a security guard working overnights to provide for their family and be able to spend time with their children during the day.

I might be the only one who does this or I might be just one of many that do this. Maybe it's because I'm an overthinker by nature but doing this allows me to feel and understand humans if that makes any sense. I don't know the full story of every person I've come across but you truly never know what a person's story is. So to be able to make one up because you don't know allows you as a human to view them as real people just like you and me. Just some food for thought. Share below if you do the same thing and let me know!

[skitskatdacat63]

.

[imafuckinggrimreaper]

doubting yourself to the point that you doubt your self-doubt

[touchd0wn-boy]

what are your standout songs from the skiba era?

ok i realize this is like half the songs. but in my defense: they are very fun

cynical

bored to death

she's out of her mind

los angeles (SUE ME, it's a fun song)

no future (WHERE DID SHE GO!!!! AND WHAT DID SHE HOPE TO FIND THERE!!!)

rabbit hole

san diego (........yeah)

misery

heaven

generational divide (!!)

run away

black rain

i really wish i hated you

pin the grenade (IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME, LIE TO MY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!)

no heart to speak of (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

remember to forget me

[louisloulouie]

But tbh thinking about that chicken parm tweet, it’s kinda sad that Louis keeps getting larries tweeting at him to the point that he still understood the reference over ten years later. Even as a diehard ex-larrie I didn’t get the reference until I read his reply

And it just must really suck that 8 years after 1D broke up, 7 years after his son was born, he still has people thinking he’s gay and dating his band mate that he hasn’t been seen with in 7 years. People have now thought Louis and Harry have been dating for over THIRTEEN YEARS and that is crazy to me.

And then to also think that his child is fake and Freddie has just been a child actor for the past 7 years. A child that he also said today is what he’s most proud of in his life. And yet people still think a whole ass child is fake and that Louis has been using this innocent child to hide a relationship. A child he has been around for 7 years, who he hugs and kisses and flies around the world.

Honestly the one thing that will never leave me is that Louis kisses Freddie on the mouth and it was in the AOTV film, and wouldn’t larries think that’s creepy if he wasn’t Freddie’s father? Do they really think Louis would kiss a child he has no relation to all for the sake of “protecting” himself and Harry? Do they really think he would prioritize a relationship over the safety and comfort of a child? What is their explanation for that? It just really sucks to think that Louis’ whole life is questioned by people that don’t matter but unfortunately have such loud voices that it still affects his life.

[arc-angel-o]

Thinking about writing some smut but i might post anonymously on AO3 not because it's smut, but because I'm worried it's not going to be well written smut. I don't have confidence in my writing abilities.

[nevermindset]

Are you alive or just existing?

- Unknown.

[kingspuppet]

I can't believe it took me literal hours to write a single reply. I'm just gonna roll around on the floor now to become one with my carpet. Don't mind me.

[kaihnee]

unaware and brimming with joy, i set out to do something - anything. it doesn’t matter what. no matter how beautiful, comforting, or simple the act may be, the joy and peace only linger until i feel that familiar weight sink into my chest. it’s as if an unseen hand pulls a cord, setting a vessel above me into motion - a vessel that tips its contents over me. it isn’t water. it’s thick, viscous, an unyielding substance that envelops me, smothering the breath i already struggle to catch.

before i know it, i am trapped in its grip. that’s when the worrying begins. i start to fear that this mass will spread to the ones i love, that it will consume them as it has consumed me. i worry that something terrible will happen. and yet, deep down, i know these thoughts aren’t truly mine - they belong to the mass. it coils itself around me, seeps into every fiber of my being, spreading insidiously, trying to merge with me, to wrest control from me.

but is this really me? who unleashed this beast upon me?

in these moments, the questions remain unanswered. the only thoughts that fill my mind are dark and foreboding - visions of everything i know reduced to rubble and ash. i loathe this feeling, this grotesque and suffocating presence. is this what it means to confront the realization that i don’t hold control over everything? this constant, looming sense of impending doom that creeps in whenever life feels smooth and untroubled?

it keeps me bound in its grasp, tethering me to a state of being where i catch myself pulling that cord, willingly unleashing this substance upon myself. as much as i despise it, there’s a strange comfort in its embrace. its oppressive weight tricks me into believing it shields me - protecting me from the chaos of the outside world. it convinces me that it sharpens my senses, anchoring me in a place where i feel safe, a place where i no longer have to fear. for if i expect the worst while wrapped in its hold, then the worst can never surprise me.

and yet, it feels as though this mass cannot exist without me, as though its very survival depends on mine. it disgusts me. this bond is vile, suffocating. and still, we cannot seem to let go of each other.

[idk-my-aesthetic]

Currently hyperfixating hardcore on the devil is a part timer, and Hanzo Urushihara aka Fallen Demon General Lucifer is very much my emo pathetic failgirl blorbo so I’ve had a bit of a crush on him since I was like 13

Factors in my favor:

- +2 for basic “he’s socially awkward like me and I think we could vibe” and “we have similar interests”

- +1 bc he’s a shut in (in part bc that’s what he prefers in part bc he’s a little bit wanted by the law) and I’m okay with internet dating

- +? he’s so ADHD and he’s been reverse isakied so he doesn’t even know ADHD is a thing, I’m hoping I can get a relationship buff just by informing him and providing resources

Factors against me:

- -1 I’m fat and in cannon there’s some. Hurtful subtext. So I suppose it depends on the writer lmao?

- -??? I might have a bit too much faggotry swag for him ngl

Okay, dearest followers, be honest.

Which one of your fictional crushes do you truly believe that you could pull irl? Realistically. Taking all factors into account. Whether you were in their universe or not, up to you. But be HONEST.

[tsivitah]

BLABBERMOUTH

“I Don’t Think My Smile is Genuine”

- It’s more of an uncontrollable facial reaction to social awkwardness.

I stumbled upon this realization after a good number of encounters where people complimented me on my friendliness and kindness. I wondered to myself: how much of me was truly genuine in all those moments?

“You’ve got it all wrong!” was what I wanted to blurt out, but instead, I just smiled and said, thank you.

Liar.

Or maybe just a coward?

Yeah, coward sounds like a fitting label for this repetitive action of mine. I’m still a liar, though…but now I wonder: how much of one am I?

To put it briefly, I’m socially awkward.

I can’t seem to fathom the endless steps I must consider with every interaction I make. I can’t mess things up. I can’t share too much. I must always know what to say next. What question should I ask now? Does that hand gesture mean a high-five? When will this conversation end? How do I ask for information without sounding weird?

I’m constantly panicking (internally), unsure of how to properly present myself, and to my luck, this internal chaos manifests itself outwardly in a bright smile.

I must have hit the jackpot with this flaw of mine—to be perceived as easy-going, friendly! LOL.

Tell that to my siblings, and they’ll assure you that you’ve mistaken me for a decent human being.

Either way, it’s nice to be seen in a positive light and to manage life despite all the inner turmoil I go through just to ask for a store’s menu or to tell a stranger their shoe is untied…or that my food is rotten.

Sigh.

It’s kind of funny, though—to struggle with the little things.

I’m not pleased by this trait of mine, even if it does come in handy. I don’t feel entirely confident in my persona. Truthfully, I wish my mask were the closest image of the rest of my archetypes, whether ego or shadow. To be as much me as I can be, you see. But then… that awkward smile, mistaken for a friendly, charismatic one—isn’t that still me? It’s a reaction to my conflicts, so it is me being me… so I’m just awkward then?

To be awkward…do I qualify? Maybe. I’d vote for clumsy and anxious. LOL.

Mind you, I’m writing this paragraph six months after the others, so now I qualify for the clumsy and anxious role and can apply for the chaos vacancy in my own human resources department. I say this after going through all the therapy shenanigans. FYI: I’m doing pretty well now, which may seem concerning to a third party…

Yet the focus of this content prevails… my anxious yet bright, internally discomforting yet welcoming smile somehow pays my life’s bills.

I’m funny now.

Looking back, I think that, at this moment in my life (11.11.2024), I’m learning to be comfortable in my discomfort. Sure, I react—surprisingly well for someone who’s panicking inside—and maybe this doesn’t necessarily mean I’m misaligned with the rest of my archetypes. Maybe my person isn’t as broken as I find it to be. All in all, I find that the main challenge is planting the seeds of confidence and assertiveness in my character, and learning to be kinder in how I perceive myself. Instead of just labeling myself as awkward, anxious, and clumsy—which, honestly, I am—I no longer see these labels as negatives as I did six months ago.

Nowadays, I’m simply focusing on revisiting my self-perception in a more empathetic way, without getting delusional or romanticizing my systematic attempts to conclude the whats and hows of me.

It’s quite chaotic, but I kind of like that… that necessary chaos of transformation.