#instead of doing everything alone always
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being in a fandom for 11 years n not having a single friend in it is truly an experience i would not recommend
#minus the little breather i took bc there was some total shit going on#anyway i love being boring and miserable and hated <3#yes this is about sq#i mean not as if i have many friends out of it anyway and even less who actively speak to me#really having one of those wishing i could change my entire personality days#i just wanna be someone other people actually like/enjoy being around#instead of doing everything alone always
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sometimes i wish i was one of those artist that make people go "this is a PAINTING???" or "with WHAT programm/medium???" but its just not what i can do or find fun :/
#ganondoodles talks#personal#not really for the attention thing but more for .. work being recognized?#im not sure#to feel more like people actually stop and look at sth instead of skipping over it?#maybe its jsut an internet phenomena(?)#like the way everything is just consumed within seconds and never lasts long and if you miss the trend you are irrelevant#the sort of weird pressure to have to subvert expectations or be exceptionally exceptional just to be recognized ?#(which i know isnt always a good thing lol)#also this isnt a complaint per se more like a thought#like i sometimes wish i was into the popular characters instead of the niche ones etc#that kind of thing#also like i wish i could make art that really speaks to people .. like those that are just so .. interesting and strange and poetic#bc (while i know fanart and silly oc projects arent worhtless) those feel more worthwhile? more worth really being called art?#for soemthing to be truly art it should be either exceptionally skilled or profound like the greatest poets?#im just doing whatever my brain allows me to do- which i know is fine#but i also dont think its inherently wrong to wish for being more than that sometimes#(... maybe its mostly just loneliness without knowing how to find friends)#(especially where i am and especially as i just want a friend to live with - not a partner... i dont want to be this alone forever ...)#(actually ....... what if all my art self consciousness comes from wanting to feel less lonely .. oh dear- no time to unpack that omg)
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you ever think about how bill is who the pines could have been if they didn't have any kind of support from anyone in their lives
#godsrambles#im thinking about the thing on the website where he goes on an angry jealous rant about stan#bill turns away from the chance to be better over and over and over and over again#but what couldve happened if he had some kind of support at 30? at 60? instead of at over 1 trillion?#he turns himself into a monster. he sets everything up to try and lead someone down the path of becoming a monster with him.#not consciously. but subconsciously he is so ready to commiserate with someone else about being monsters together. and be less alone in it#and then bill finds out that this person actually has a family member willing to risk the apocalypse just to bring him back.#and other family members willing to do whatever it takes to rescue him During the Apocalypse Itself#and friends who forgive him. and then even the brother he thought he hated for so long gets a happy ending#and here bill is. in a pit dug by his own endless atrocities. but the very first few shovelfuls of dirt that started digging the pit#were caused by him having no one. no support network. no family member willing to cause the apocalypse just to bring him back#and then he gets fucking institutionalized.#one of the kinds of places where people unwanted by anyone in society get sent to so no one has to think about them again.#^greatly reductive descriptor that isnt always true im just talking about the way society views this topic + depicts it in media#like ok. ok i guess. sure. whatever. fine. im exploding everything in the universe with my mind 👍
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thinking about Bodkin again bc I mean,,, ALL THE SYMBOLISM OHHHHHGH. i NEED some tumblr film analysis hobbyists to watch this show and tell me all the themes n such
#yes I’m making all these posts in a row#it’s bc I’m obsessed atm#mypost#Bodkin#bodkin netflix#PLEASSEEEEE#WHY DID THE PAPER MACHE HEAD LOOK LIKE GILBERT#CAN WE HAVE AN IN-DEPTH CONVERSATION ABOUT EVERYTHING ABOUT GILBERT BEING FORCED TO SWALLOW/CHOKE ON HIS WORDS (recorder) BUT THAT SOUND—HIS#STORY (HIS pov. however ‘abstract’ and detatched from consequence it may have been) BEING WHAT CATCHES EMMY AND DOVEs ATTENTION TO SAVE HIM#. LIKE#OUGHHHHHWJEHQIHSJSBWJXNAJSNNQJZNWHXJWHXJEBXNDUSBJS#AND THE WOLF IMAGERY PLS SOMEONE TELL ME ABOUT THAT#IS THERE MORE THAN THE SURFACE? what do I not understand? as im writing this out am thinking: ok its cause dove is a lone wolf#WAITTTT WAIT OMFG AND when she remembers that her mom told her to howl when she was lost… bc wolves actually have family and I’m p sure the#lone wolf thing is a myth… after she realizes that she’s not alone and she can choose to interact#GOD GRAHHHHH IM GOING CRAZY OVER THIS SHOW#other things I’m thinking abt (will maybe make a post abt?)#OUGH YEAH OK dove symbolism: wolf/lone wolf. sunglasses/shielding herself (OUGH AND SHE PICKS UP THAT XTRA LAYER OF DEFENCE WHEN SHE COMES#BACK TO HOMELAND/familiar space… bc she’s vulnerable to her past here…. hrahhh#. also LMFAO when she calls the sheriff a piggy#hrmmmmm aughhh I want to dissect Gilbert and Seamus’s friendship oughhh#ok wait even more on Dove: I want to dig into when she calls Emmy Emmy vs Sizargd (will have to look up the spelling whoops) —was it always#blatant manipulation? how much of it is a reflection of what she is? hrmmmm there’s so much there I think#another Q: why did Emmy call the tech guy Shitpants again at the end? ik there were the stakes I just wanna dig into her character more. why#would she say the shitpants thing instead of manipulating him in other ways? (not saying her was was unreasonable at all lol-j wanna dig#into her character.#OH prob something abt the whole ‘her needing to release her anger’ thing? idk ahh I want to analyze her more
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guys. guys the similarities. guys listen to me
#WHY ARE THERE SO MANY EVIL WOMEN THAT CORNERED YOU IN A DARK ABANDONED ROOM IN YOUR LIFE BOOK#i feel like shes always being emotionally or physically attacked by everything around her no matter what situation shes in#book you poor poor sopping wet cat of a contestant#its obvious shes kinda messed up emotionally by the things shes done but its also the little things looking back#freesmart left her in that shipwreck alone. in fairness el trapped her in but pencil almost immediately said she made a “noble sacrifice”#but she didnt sacrifice anything. she was just a victim and youre leaving her behind#not only was that memory probably fresh in her mind when she was again cornered in tpot 9#so was the knowledge that this time it wasn’t an outer force that was doing it. it was her own teammate#death is meaningless in the grand scheme of things in the bfdi universe. we know this.#but considering book has always been thrown away by the people she trusts the simple act of killing her for a challenge feels so much worse#because it further drives in the idea that she isn’t worth nearly as much to them as they are to her#they can kill her or leave her at the mercy to someone else that wants to and not feel bad abiut it. because why should they#but she’ll always be desperately trying to protect the ones she loves because she never felt protected herself#holy shit okay.#moral of the story um. book knows a lot of evil women. pencil is the worst. book needs therapy. bye#bfdi#battle for dream island#book#bfdi book#i think i need to just make regular character analysis posts instead of terrorizing thw tags
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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oh come on, where’s my option to join forces and two team them? or cheer her on from the sidelines even. chie can wreck shit actually i don’t want to deny her that
#didn’t even have enough courage to hold her back i just HAD to step in#this just kinda sucks. it’s moderately Off#there’s just this nasty misogynistic undercurrent here#chie can fight her own battles. i wish i had the option to support her in them instead of taking them for her#this really rubs me the wrong way cause it feels like it’s a step to the left of doing anything interesting#chie’s learning the wrong lesson for this to be an (intentional and purposeful) example of misogyny she faces#and it’s too misogynistic to be ‘fighting isn’t always the answer and you’re not alone anymore’ like it’s trying to do#why is she thanking me i didn’t do shit. if anything i slighted her. this is simply not very good#rambles#p4g posting#this isn’t quite downright rancid but more than anything it’s just not very good writing#everything once she apologizes (which she shouldn’t do) feels like a completely different beat#chie i’m so sorry you’re in persona 4#i feel like i’m gonna have said that about every teammate
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the thing about not having a television in my room is that for years i used to watch everything in my phone when i want to lay in bed and sometimes watching stuff on my computer / an actual tv is just. feels wrong?
#like last july i bought a laptop besides my desktop computer#and i’ve been talking with my mom about having a television in my room#but at the same time i’m so USED of watching everything on my phone for like. YEARS#it’s a wild concept to me that people like. turn on their tv’s instead of like looking at the little screen on their phones#like i binged the entirety of gilmore girls on my phone alone / same with modern family#i barely even watches the tv in the living room i always feels slightly uncomfortable doing so#it’s makes absolutely no sense but i guess i just used of watching everything privately#idk maybe i do need to get a television for my room but i’m afraid i barely be using it because i’m so used of watching everything#in a certain way for YEARS now#or speaks now
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No bc if this guy isn't into me he needs to Stop making me feel some type of way lmao
#not snz#it is past 3 am#and we're texting bc i said i have to be up all night and he decided he would stay up with me lmao#my little creature decided to have Issues And Problems as she always does when absolutely everything is closed#she's not sick this time at least but I'm stressed nonetheless and have to stay awake with her#and bro is out here still texting with me so i don't have to be up all alone this time#like excuse you don't show concern for me and my babies if you don't want me to make heart eyes lmao#on a real note tho i am so fucking tired#i wanted to go to bed early tonight and instead i have to stay awake#like man i just wanna think my thoughts and go to sleep but instead I'm half awake trying to use critical thinking skills#with any luck tho i shouldn't have to be up much longer#so fingers crossed there bc i don't even feel like a human person rn 😭#also i know him staying up with me means literally nothing bc i do it all the time for my coworkers#but it's still making me feel things 😔
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tHeY cAlLeD fOr BaKeRy To TaKe A cAlL wHeRe WhErE yOu?
#bitch get out of my face#work stuff#take 2 minutes to go to the bathroom and shes gonna bitch at me#im a grown adult if i need to go im fucking going#one of your FOUR PEOPLE can get it seeing as im WORKING ALONE#not even my fucking team lead and always has dumb shit to say to me#fuck off#despite this post im actually doing ok i just need to bitch bc she gives me a headache#why were you leaning on the counter instead of doing anything patti????#why is it the end of the world when you answer One bakery call but DAILY i have to stop#in the middle of EVERYTHING ELSE IM DOING and answer the phone for you even though theres anywhere from 3 to 5 people over there and im#usually working alone
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if I may be honest for a minute, this christmas is gonna be entirely weird to me (I already cried once) cause I basically have no family left (the ones I do don't spend time with me lol) and for the first time I can remember in life, I'm not making a christmas meal for my family and lots of desserts and doing my best to keep everyone entertained and even though it was super stressful, I already miss it. I'll be strong cause it's all that's left for me.
#gonna spend it with my second family which is my best friends family#he's throwing his first christmas party at his place so I won't be alone#he always makes sure I have somewhere to go#but I miss grandma#at this point she'd have a lot of stuff prepared and we'd be spending all day together working on recipes and making sure everything was go#good lmao#she couldn't help me last year cause she was already sick and it was so hard but I still made our christmas meal#didn't know it would be the last one#so yeah hard day for me cause my dad who was the family I had left decided that his priority is his new wife and left me he barely visits#or talks to me#so it's like he exists but also he doesn't cause he's being the happiest he's ever been#no regard for the daughter he forgot he cared about lol typical#anyway my life is tragic but I'll do my best to keep going even if it's out of spite#personal#usually I'd post shit like this on the main blog instead but meh gonna change it up this once#been using this one more#thank you dan and phil for giving me something to look forward to today
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#tbd#☉#lemme start by prefacing this with I KNOW there's no real normal way to be human#ok i get that#but fucking HELL I wish i was normal#i wish my health was normal for my age#i wish i wasn't fucking. neurodivergent#im fine with being queer but ffs why am i in between normal queer and accepted Aroace-ness#why am i abnormal in that regard too#i wish I didn't alienate people i wish i didn't have to explain why im extra quiet and moody and minutes from a meltdown#i wish my hands and feet wouldn't swell up and hurt and burn and I wish i could take a fucking shower without feeling dread#because i had the water temp set to hot and now im dizzy and my heart is racing and im overheating -- alternatively I wish#i didn't feel so self conscious because i DONT shower every day or even every other day like i dont like when my hair goes limp either!#and i use deodorant everyday and wipe off when i can but i have fuckin Let's Sweat Buckets For No Reason Disorder so i always look and feel#like a drowned rat. im tired of being tired but not being able to sleep. im tired of not being able to explain that yes its really not you#its me. me wanting to be alone has nothing to do with you ok its my brain deciding to fuckin shut down because everything is too much rn#& idk how to tell you that im at my wits end but if you treat me with kidd gloves i WILL go off like a fuckin bomb. just treat me NORMAL ffs#just treat me normal 😭 i just want to be normal. i want to be able to sit down and just do my application stuff instead of#staring at a blank document for weeks and then wanting to throw things as the deadline approaches (#its due friday and i have absolutely nothing written lmao) and idk if its executive dysfunction or anxiety or my tendancey to self sabotage#but either way im so fuckin fucked. im NOT in the headspace rn for writing a graduate school application letter.#trying hard not to cry rn bcs my friend and her parents are sleeping already bcs they have a 9-5 sleeping schedule to fit their 9-5 jobs#like i dont even have a normal sleeping schedule lmao mine's 2-10. i just don't understand why im so broken or whatever. not normal.#& i feel bad for bitching about it all bcs objectively i have a pretty decent life. i have a home i have food i have a family that loves me#im just back to feeling like im too much and also not enough and im so fuckin lonely. im tired of feeling lonely. and i think#ive got a platonic crush or two. or something. and idk how to handle that anymore. if i ever did.#idk idk i feel like im back to looking at the world and passersby through frosted glass again.
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Cool.. Our rent price got raised. :') I did not know it was even possible to get even MORE poor than me and mom already were, but here we are. Guess I'll start surviving on literal bread and water at this rate.
#/vent#personal#no but when will things stop getting worse?#in moments like this I feel especially bitter thinking about that asshole that went to me like:#'wahh wahh katy i won enough money in the court to buy everything I want but it doesn't matter because I can't buy YOU uwu'#*ten days later* 'actually I don't want a friend/sister anymore can you please stay in your bum spot and simply be my-#-online friend and listen to me ramble about my interests without any regards to yours and show off how cool my life is to you like always?#like no I am not materialistic but when people make dramatic promises of this kind they better stick to them#'nooo but you MUST get out of russia!!!' bitch how? I can hardly afford enough food let alone travelling and living abroad#anyways yeah I am done using the guy that pretended to want a better life for us both and then turned tail as a core for venting#sorry it just makes me angry#not so much living in powerty and not being able to crawl out of debt and my life state no matter what#but more about a very consistent trend of having friends that one day get RICH and dump me as 'lower class' right after that happens#he is not the only one like that in my life he is just the most recent one#really speaks about how unlikeable I am if people lose interest in me as soon as they can buy happy things instead#shows that my worth as a human being is super low and I only work as entertainment when people can't buy something to do that instead#like videogames food travels objects books etc etc...#I am just below those things and less interesting than those things and I'll die early hahaha lol#hopes are that supernatural luck power that doesn't want me to escape easily will send me something to help. because yeah my situation-#-is B A D.
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Knowing that I have to go home after an 8-hour shift at the job I hate to force myself to deep clean the depression nest my room has become while neck deep in the same depressive episode for the past 3 months on top of chronic pain makes me wanna scream like can I just smoke weed and sleep on the couch instead pls?
#tw mental health#personal#idk how to tag this#I’m doin BAD#like- I think I’ve run into that gifted kid thing where it’s like yeah I was told I was good at this and then growing up and realizing I#never developed the skill beyond childhood but instead of gifted kid syndrome it’s high functioning depression#like I hit my 20s and I can’t high function my way through this shit anymore#I don’t know how and that makes it worse bc I’m looking back on teen me who could pretend for days and power through#now I’m just- a depressive episode hits and I just.. everything stops y’know?#im so tired and overwhelmed and I just don’t know where to start to even dig myself out of it#I’m self soothing to the point of it being harmful#if I don’t think about how bad it is and instead focus on whatever interest it feels better#my therapist has been out sick for almost 2 months now and I’m worried about her but we work so well together that I don’t wanna find#someone new and start all over again#I just..#I tried telling my family I’m struggling and my mom told me to pray about it so it’s like okay I’m just alone to deal with this like I#always do but I’m just.. I’m not doing well enough to be able to handle this on my own and no one is listening when I say that#I’m not going to do anything but I can’t pretend the s*ic*d*l thought aren’t at the front of my mind#every single problem I have would disappear for me if I wasn’t here and that’s bitter sweet because I want to see this life through#depression#mental health#struggling with depression#major depressive disorder
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Fanny, my sweet, beautiful girl
17.11.2012 – 14.04.2019
#my art#artists on tumblr#I cannot accept that it has been 5 years already#I know covid messed with everyone’s sense of time but it simultaneously feels so much longer and so much shorter than that#exactly five years ago I was holding onto my mom for dear life and sobbing as we watched lilo and stitch together#not the best movie to watch when you’ve just lost your first ever pet you know#and then I cried myself to sleep at the next morning we never mentioned her again#I know it’s because it was way too painful for everyone involved. but I do wish I was allowed to process that grief properly#instead of bottling it up and pretending everything was okay until I was reminded of her#feeling like my heart was being shattered over and over again every single time#well anyway. enough of that. I’ve allowed myself a nice long cry today and got most of it out of my system#and once I was feeling okay I decided to draw her#and I can count the number of times I’ve drawn animals on one hand so.. I’m not too sure about the result#but it felt like to commemorate her in some way.#so yeah. here she is. my dear girl. the best dog in existence. she was always so affectionate and kind#which I didn’t always appreciate bc of how young I was. when you’re a kid it feels like pets will live forever#never barked. never bit anyone. her only crime was chewing on my mlp and lps toys that I left out on the floor#but I’m grateful she did that. it taught me not to leave my toys lying around and to clean up after myself#she really was taken from me way too soon. ideally she could still be alive right now. but I’ve been down the road of guilt and regret#there was nothing I could do. I was a child. I can only hope that she knew she was loved right until the very end#even if I didn’t know how to show it properly. and great. now I’m tearing up again#I suppose it’s unavoidable. April 12th will always be a melancholy day. and maybe that’s not such a bad thing#it’s good to have a day when I can freely remember her and cry if I need to. it’s healthy. it’s better than crying every day#she never liked it much when I cried. always tried to comfort me. that’s the kind of dog she was. I miss her so much#when I move apartments and get a dog of my own I’m getting a spaniel. just like she was#well. maybe a different colour so I don’t end up sobbing every time I look at it. but spaniels really are the perfect breed#I mean. cavaliers especially were bred for love and warmth. that’s just what I need. it will be nice to have someone waiting for me at home#and while I don’t necessarily believe in the afterlife… I do hope that Fanny’s watching over me#spiritually comforting me when I feel all alone in the world. it’s a nice thought for sure#and hopefully she won’t mind me getting another spaniel too much. it will be done in her honour after all. to make up for my past mistakes
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srry my pg playlist is making it impossible not to think about mikerophone so. literally all i can picture rn is ghost!pg sitting on mike's desk, chatting away with him on the phone during shifts & when mike comes in on off hours. your long distance boyfriend who's right next to u 🥺
#the themes of only finding happiness after you die etc etc etc#m.ike not having to go through the horrors Alone#pg doing everything possible to make sure he survives and it works.#not wanting to say goodnight but it's literally past 6 in the morning & he has another shift that night#m.ike falling asleep at the desk & pg just ~~playing f.naf~~ managing the door controls for him to keep him safe instead of waking him#i honestly imagine it would be REALLY easy for pg to handle the others if he can sense when theyre coming or smthin#m.ike bringing little gifts & finding them moved around the next day#the back room becomes kind of a nice cozy living space w them#making the best out of the worst etc#im . soft. about. them#//#(as always i default to s.chmidt not being a.fton#but this isnt NOT about a.fton for interactions where ages work out!)#;ooc
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