#every single problem I have would disappear for me if I wasn’t here and that’s bitter sweet because I want to see this life through

[whoblewboobear]

Knowing that I have to go home after an 8-hour shift at the job I hate to force myself to deep clean the depression nest my room has become while neck deep in the same depressive episode for the past 3 months on top of chronic pain makes me wanna scream like can I just smoke weed and sleep on the couch instead pls?

[slytherhys]

Too Sweet (for me) - Part I

A/N: everybody say thank you Hozier for releasing this song and for making me wanna write smut inspired by it. (this is a 2 parts oneshot and chapter II will be posted tomorrow! Enjoy :)

TW: explicit language; explicit sexual content

Part II

Word Count: 906 words | You can also find this story on AO3!

Red, fae lights flashed through the dimmed hall of the pleasure hall, each spark of light revealing bodies moving, dancing, grinding to the obnoxiously loud music as patrons lost themselves in each other’s unfamiliar touch. Azriel wasn’t sure if he was amused or appalled as he watched them from where he leaned against the bar, taking a sip from his whiskey glass. He settled on relieved that not a single familiar face looked back.

If the people around him were curious about why the court’s Spymaster was among them, they didn’t let it show. Other than the pretty fae looking his way with a coy smile every now and then, no one else seemed all that interested in his presence – which served him just right. He wasn’t particularly interested in making conversation. In fact, the very purpose of being here was to be able to forget about himself – about who he was, what and who he wanted – for just a single fucking moment.

He wasn’t sure he was being all that successful.

He signalled the barman for another glass, wondering if maybe the key to forgetting it all was to simply do as they all did – to get so shitfaced that the touch of a stranger wouldn’t repulse him, that his worries and doubts would disappear, drowned in a dangerous amount of alcohol that not even his Illyrian body would be able to burn through fast enough. Rhysand had seemed to think so.

Azriel wasn’t as convinced.

Not when, even three glasses of whiskey in, he couldn’t seem to stop thinking about her. A kaleidoscope of memories haunted him each time he blinked, painting those empty, craving moments with images of her parted pink lips, her breath, warm and wet against his skin, her hooded brown eyes. How they fluttered shut when his scarred hand wrapped around her throat. A gentle yes so sweet, it had nearly sent him to his knees.

But that was the problem, wasn’t it? She was entirely too fucking sweet for him. A lightness that he knew wasn’t for him, no matter how much he craved it. No matter how much he craved her. And, Mother, did he crave her.

But he couldn’t have her. That much, had been made pretty clear.

So Azriel gulped down his drink, wincing as it burned a path down his throat. He willed it to numb him, even if he knew how unlikely it was that he’d be able to burn her memory away from his brain. But that was why was here – to stop him from wanting what he couldn’t have. Or at least to forget about it. At least for the night, he could replace her satin skin for someone else’s, and maybe the rough touch of a stranger would wash away the memory of her soft hands and all the times they had held on to him. Maybe a night spent fucking someone new would make him forget about all the fucked-up, twisted fantasies of her tied to his bed and how they had brought him release.  

He eyed the pretty fae looking his way, eyed the dancefloor with its pumping heartbeat, an incitation promising all sorts of wicked things – and let himself go.

He wasn’t entirely sure how long it took him. Didn’t particularly care about anything but the wind on his face, the cold biting into his skin, sobering him up as he flew. He clenched his hands as he landed on a familiar garden, willing his heartbeat to slow the fuck down as he blinked away the darkness that suddenly seemed to surround him. He didn’t need to look around to know where he was – he knew exactly where he was. Knew the pansies and the violets and the gardenias that peppered up the front lawn just as he knew that there wasn’t a world where he could avoid her a second longer.

This was a bad idea. A terrible idea. He had no business being here, absolutely no business wanting her to open the front door, preferably dressed in her pink satin robe, cheeks rosy and a soft smile on her lips. He had no right to smile at the thought of her welcoming him into her home, into her bed, into her body. He had no right to listen to her sweet moans, to feel her panting against his naked skin as he slid into her–

“Are you coming in?” A sweet voice interrupted him, indecent thoughts coming to a halt. Azriel whirled around, taking in the sight in front of him. Shivers ran down his spine as he watched her watch him back. Leaning against the door, hair tousled and falling down her back, Elain Archeron was a fucking vision. Her cheeks were rosy, her arms crossed over her chest. Under her open, pink satin robe he could see a glimpse of lace that had him swallowing down every obscene thought going through his mind. Elain tilted her head, as if she knew exactly what he was thinking about and wasn't particularly impressed. For a second, he wondered if she would take back her question and send him back to his apartment, but without waiting for a reply, she turned around and went back inside, leaving the front door wide open. An invitation if there ever was one.

He knew, without a doubt, he had no fucking right to follow her inside.

And yet, he did.

[nexility-sims]

𝐍𝐎. 𝟏  𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐮𝐞   |   VARIOUS LOCATIONS, DECEMBER 1990

❧  𝐝𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲  /  𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭.

‎‎‎‎‎ ❛ The banality of human tragedy wasn’t enough for a princess. Some may have said it was an insult. The publishers, insatiable in their hunger for a story, chased answers. They would force slippery, delicate reality into the shackles of narrative. They would explain the unexplainable. Numerous leads bubbled forth in the immediate days following the event. At first, they came as a respectful trickle of whispers. Then, they came in a loud burst that could fill the amorphous space between breaking news and solemn coverage of a state funeral. Most of the claims were false: the queen had held the gaze of an owl twenty days prior; a storm had thrown and scattered stones in an ominous glyph; waterway residents had heard plaintive weeping from the water before the disappearance; a daykeeper sent a letter to the palace warning the mountains were shaking with longing; the princess was terrified of water and had diligently avoided it before this fateful outing. The latter was true.

𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐮𝐞𝐝 & 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭 ↓

It wasn’t moving water that paralyzed her. She had appreciated the crashing of beach waves and the foaming, rushing flow of rivers. The waterfalls in Yaas had captivated her. The problem was still water. Placid and smooth, the expanses of lakes and ponds and swimming pools unsettled her to the core. Others saw them as gentle and inviting; these comely traits, to her, were the duplicity inherent to any natural danger.

As with many fears, this one had been formative. These bodies summoned memories of gasping and flailing—a visceral recollection of the moment in which her swimming education both began and ended. The publishers would report that she refused to bathe in tubs or put her face beneath a shower head. These details were embellishments, but they knitted together the perfect narrative to rendered the death star-crossed, inevitable, and shadowing even in the unobstructed light of day. With such winking glints of absurdity, a deluge of articles teased intrigue from something utterly ordinary.

Indeed, that was the wretched truth with which the family had to contend, even as days of newsprint consoled the public with fantasy. Once the body was recovered a few hours later, the coroner called it what her fellow passengers had assumed: an accident. People drowned in Uspana every day. Such a demise was considered divinely favored, and the context—the story that underwrote it—didn’t matter. The mountains claimed their favorites regardless of whether their lungs filled with a few inches of bathwater or deep inhales of Canarís Bay saltwater. These favorites were regular people. They were also, from time to time, royalty.

The cause was misadventure, not malevolence.

Still, when Beatriz stumbled over to the telephone on the day she received the news, she took a deep breath to steady herself and said with conviction, “Arnaut, he's finally killed her. Please come home.”

TRANSCRIPT:

[A] Boating? Seriously? [S] New yacht, too. He named it the Safyanora. Sweet, isn't it?

[A] I just can't believe he convinced you to go on it. [S] Me either.

[S] We've been giving each other space for a few weeks. [A] Is that what you call it?

[S] I should put in effort, you know? Be forgiving. [A] You do. You are. The problem is when he takes advantage of it, which is every single time.

[S] Friends will be there with us. There'll be no fighting—not the terribly unfun kind, anyway. [A] {Sighs.}

[A] And you're still not wearing the ring?

[S] For now. We'll see how I feel after this trip. [A] Uh huh.

[S] He promised a romantic getaway! Maybe that's what I need. [A] It's true. You work too much.

[S] No, you don't work enough—[A] Hold on. Someone's here.

[S] I can let you go … I do have work to do. [A] {Chuckling.}

[A] Abelina, tell Auntie hello. [AB] Hi Safy! [S] Hello, baby girl.

[A] It's bedtime story o'clock, unfortunately. [S] I'll call you when I'm home in a few days. [A] Good. I love you. Have fun. [S] I love you, too. Goodnight.

[S] {V.O.} Hi Mama. Sorry I missed you.

[S] {V.O.} We arrived in Intizara a couple days ago. There were more cameras than usual. It was disconcerting.

[S] {V.O.} Anyway, I'm calling you from the water.

[S] {V.O.} Aren't you proud of me? {Chuckles.}

[S] {V.O.} Manuel and Eita are with us.

[S] {V.O.} We're having fun, all of us.

[S] {V.O.} I needed this.

[S] {V.O.} We needed this.

[S] {V.O.} I know you don't want to hear it, but he's making an effort.

[S] {V.O.} I feel hopeful. Call me back. I love you.

[B] {V.O.} This is not a message for voicemail.

[B] {V.O.} I wish you had come to the phone just this once.

[B] {V.O.} How do I say this? It's unspeakable.

[B] {V.O.} {Sighs.}

[B] {V.O.} Arnaut, he's finally killed her.

[B] {V.O.} Please come home.

[namiusedbubble]

Let me stay

A self-indulgent comfort fic with Sebastian. TW: Depression

It was bound to happen eventually. 

From the minute you’d arrived at Hogwarts, it seemed like everyone and their gran wanted you to solve all of their problems. It started okay, just an extra assignment here, a rescue mission there, but soon you were stopping rebellions, covering up murders, and watching as your father figure died in your arms. Really, it shouldn’t have come as such a surprise when you eventually crashed and disappeared.

Sebastian had been searching for three days before he finally found a trace of you in the form of a burned-down poacher camp deep within the Forbidden Forest. The scent of ash still overwhelmed the area, and he knew you couldn’t have gone far.

He followed a nearby path, taking note of the dead spiders that were now proving to be something of a navigational aid to find you. Poppy had warned him about the centaurs living here, but he doubted centaurs had anything to do with this. No, this had your signature all over it. He was the one who taught you confringo, after all. 

After a bit of walking, he eventually stumbled across a small, cream-coloured tent nestled within a clearing. Unlike those belonging to poachers or goblins, this one stood alone. Sebastian couldn’t help but chuckle when he spotted the unicorns grazing nearby. Trust you to run away and join a herd of unicorns.

He calls your name as he approached, not wishing to startle you and end up hexed or worse. The flap opened then as if it had been expecting him, and it gave him the opportunity to look inside. The tent had clearly been enchanted to appear smaller than it actually was. A large wooden beam decked out in fairy lights stood in the middle, offering support for the structure and providing a warm, inviting glow. At the back of the tent, a claw-legged bath sat next to a large bed, and Sebastian had half a mind to crawl in and take a nap. 

Until he saw your head appear from beneath the covers and his heart sank. Your eyes were bloodshot, the dark circles beneath them only serving to accentuate your pallid complexion and it was clear you hadn’t been sleeping. 

“Took you long enough.” you rasped. “I thought you would have been here days ago.”

Sebastian snorted and kicked off his dirty boots, the tent once again sealing itself behind him. “Yes, well, turns out you’re a much better hider than I am a seeker. And that’s saying something.”

You smiled, but it didn’t reach your eyes and he resisted the urge to pull you into a crushing hug. Instead, he settled his hand on your cheek and brushed his thumb over the tear tracks. He hated seeing you like this. You were one of the strongest people Sebastian had ever met. You took on the world repeatedly and won every single time, and had been the only source of light and comfort for him when everything went down with Anne and Ominis. He’d thought that nothing could phase you, but he’d been wrong. Very wrong, and now he was determined to return the favour.

“I’ll run you a bath.” He stated, pulling his hand away. He didn’t miss how your head briefly followed his touch before you caught yourself. 

“I think you need one more than I, Sallow.” 

Sebastian rolled his eyes, flipping the taps shut when the water reached the perfect temperature and amount. “Very funny today, aren’t we?” He held out his hand to you. You took a second to think it over before finally releasing a sigh and placing your hand in his, allowing him to pull you from the sanctuary of your new bed. It had been so long since you’d moved from it that Sebastian was forced to support your weight as your legs turned to mush. 

Once he was sure you were steady, he turned away from you. “I won’t look.” He promised. He heard the sound of your robe dropping to the floor and willed the blush from his face. It wasn’t the time to act like a school boy with a crush, even if that’s exactly what he was. He needed to be there for you emotionally and mentally. Maybe one day, hopefully, physically, too, but not yet. 

“You can turn around now. I added soap, you can’t see anything.”

Sebastian took a deep breath and turned to face you. You were staring into the water with a distant expression he’d never seen on you before, and he had to swallow the lump in his throat before he let himself cry for you.

He spotted an old book laying on the floor by the bed and grabbed it. He quietly moved behind your head then and transfigured the book into a handled copper cup. Sebastian dipped the cup into the bath before reaching up and slowly pouring the water onto your head, careful not to let it run down into your eyes. Sebastian gently brushed his fingers through your hair, untangling the knots that had formed during your days of tossing and turning. He felt you deflate, your head leaning back towards him as he massaged more soap into your scalp.

No words needed to be said, Sebastian already knew why you needed to get away, and one look at you told him that you wouldn’t have the energy to open up verbally to him, anyway. He would bring it up with you later, he decided, but for now, Sebastian focused on helping you completely the basic tasks you’d clearly been neglecting. He knew it wouldn’t bring you out of the dark place you found yourself, but it was a start. 

When all of the soap had been rinsed from your hair and the water had cooled, Sebastian leaned forward and wrapped his arms around your shoulders, and rested his chin on the top of your head. He knew this was an entirely inappropriate situation to put you in, but both of you had been through too much to care about notions of “decency”, and by the way you brought your hands up to hold onto his arms, he knew you didn’t, either. 

“Come back to the castle with me.” He whispered into your now clean hair. “Or let me stay here with you. I just ... I don’t want you to be alone anymore. You don’t need to be alone anymore. Let me take care of you like you care for everyone else.”

His words opened a floodgate inside of you, sobs wracking your body before you could stop them, and Sebastian held you tighter against his chest. It physically pained him to not just turn you around and embrace you fully, so he settled for pressing chaste kisses into your head and temple and allowed his own tears to fall freely. Sebastian didn’t know how long you both stayed like that, but the water was well and truly cold by the time you’d settled down. 

Sebastian went to grab a towel when he felt you begin to stand, and by the time he’d returned, you were wrapped in a fluffy robe he assumed was enchanted from your school one. He didn’t waste any time in draping the towel over your head and palming out the remaining liquid. It was mostly dry by now, but he’d hate for you to catch a cold from sleeping on wet hair.

“I want to go back with you.” You muttered, meeting his gaze for the first time that night. “Tomorrow. We’ll go back tomorrow. I’m too tired to face anyone but you tonight.” You took the towel from him and threw it across the room, your fingers tangling with his as you lead him towards the bed.

If this were any other situation, Sebastian thought he could have died from being invited into your bed. He had fantasized about it, often, if he were being honest, but now all he felt was a warmth engulfing him. You trusted him completely and without reservation, even after everything he himself had put you through, and he knew he would do anything to keep it that way. 

You both crawled into bed while he used his wand to snuff out the lights, plunging the tent into almost complete darkness. He reached over then, pulling you slightly on top of him so your head lay on his chest and his arms were once again around your shoulders. Sebastian thought, at that moment, he would give anything in the world to stay here in this tent with you. No more obligations, no more goblins or curses or demanding professors. Just you and him. He supposed it had been just you and him for quite a while now, but he liked it better when you weren’t taking on the world.

“Your heart is beating so fast.” You whispered, and Sebastian could hear the teasing lilt in your tired voice. “Do you want to sleep on the floor? Perhaps take a cold bath yourself?”

His face burned at your words, and you laughed as his heart sped up even more. Sebastian huffed and pulled the covers over you both. “Shut the hell up and go to sleep.”

[hockeyboysimagines]

I’ve loved you three

Summers

Chapter 4

Warnings: Sex, implied sex, mentions of sex, mentions of manipulative/abusive relationships, depression, some language.

To be read in tandem with @cellythefloshie Cool for the summer!

Hi friends! This is overdue but here it is. Keep an eye out for 1K followers soon!

Enjoy!

Maddie was humming absently while she sketched a dress for her summer assignment, small smile on her face. She had music playing low in the background and the sun was shining through her bedroom window as she moved her head along absently to the beat.

She’d been spending a lot of time with Seth, and sometimes Andrei for about a week now and every good summer before this one suddenly looked below average in comparison. Everything that had ever been said about summer love was 100% true.

She started noticing things about him she never had before. The way he smiled at her, the way he laughed, the way he held her hand. All of those things made her feel like she was on top of the world when he was around her.

“Madison.” She paused and turned to find her dad standing in her doorway in uniform, concern on his face. Usually when her dad made an unannounced visit to her room, it was to either ask her if she’d done something wrong, or scold her for doing something wrong. But this visit wasn’t about her for once.

“Who died?” She joked spinning around in her chair.

He scoffed and crossed his arms “I’m worried about your sister. She’s downstairs in bed-“

Mouths mouth fell open and she let out a breath “She’s STILL in bed?”

She’d barely seen Harper in a week. Now and again she’d emerge from the basement for a minute and go back down, and after the third day Madison was beginning to think she’d imagined Harper moving back home and the sister she’d spent the last few weeks unpacking with had been a figment.

He nodded “Yes. She doesn’t seem to want to talk to me. So I was hoping she’d talk to you. Maybe just let her know we’re here for her.” Her dad looked worried and she didn’t blame him. Harper had always been strong and capable. Now that had crumbled and her dad had seen the vulnerability and it scared him. Growing up they’d been opposites. Madison had been the one to give their dad a run for his money while Harper was the responsible, reliable older child. Now that Madison had her shit mostly together and Harper was barely hanging on, he didn’t quite know what to do. She supposed it was hard for him as a single dad with no one to turn to about how to fix her problems, which is why he was coming to her.

She was worried about Harper too, but she also knew to give her space for a while. Sometimes the more you pushed her, the further into her shell she went. Harper would need a lot of time to recover, but the time for space was running out.

“She knows that dad. She just doesn’t want to accept help because she doesn’t think she deserves it.”

How her dad let Darren continue to walk around alive Maddie would never know. Because he didn’t deserve it. Maddie would have sooner driven him to a cliff and shoved him off of it.

Her dad pursed his lips “That guy really did a number on your sister didn’t he?” He asked quietly.

“How hard is it to hide a body? Like on a scale of 1 to 10.” Madison asked “Out of curiosity of course.”

He chuckled and ran a hand over his hair “Like a 5, but that’s just what I’ve heard. So you’ll talk to her?”

Madison nodded “Of course. Don’t worry about it dad. Harper’s gonna be fine.” She tried to sound reassuring, and her dad smiled at her, though he didn’t look totally convinced, as he disappeared down the steps and out the front door and Madison made her way loudly downstairs stomping purposefully on each step so Harper could hear her coming.

She was going to try and set her straight once and for all. She could hear her sniffling as she made her way down the steps.

Harper was curled up in bed, nose red and snotty splotches across her cheeks. She looked like a sad sweaty mess. All the optimism she’d had just a few days ago was gone, and she was back to the Harper she’d been when she first showed up back home. Maddie hated it.

“Dad send you down here?” Harper asked quietly.

“No. I just wanted to come see my bright and cheery big sister.” Maddie said arms folded.

Harper curled up facing away from her “You two need to stop feeling sorry for me and just,” she sighed “leave me alone.”

Madison made her way over and sat on the end of Harper’s bed and let out a breathy laugh “No Harper I’m not going to leave you alone. Maybe you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself.” She crossed her fingers next to her lap, hoping that tough love was the right approach here and wouldn’t backfire.

Harper turned completely to look at her. She was frowning, looking a little mad and that gave Madison hope. At least she knew she was listening.

“I’m not-”

“Aren’t you?” Maddie cut her off “Because from where we are it sure seems that way. You've been laying down here for almost a week. You haven’t gone to work. You’ve barely eaten…Now your trying to shut us out. we’re worried about you. I know you’ve gotten used to being cast to the side, but it doesn’t work that way in this house and you know it.”

Harper was quiet, eyebrows furrowed so Madison continued before she could interject “I know what you’re going through can’t be easy. In fact I can’t even fathom how you're feeling about it all, but don’t you think you might feel better if you actually tried to feel better? It’s not good for you to be down here all the time by yourself.”

Maddie was right, and based on the look on Harper’s face she knew it too. Harper couldn’t heal all by herself. Since they were kids, and their mom died, Harper had been insistent on doing everything on her own. Taking care of everything and refusing help just wasn’t going to cut it anymore. She needed help, and Maddie was giving it to her whether she liked it or not,

Harper cleared her throat and sighed “What am I supposed to do Mads? You’re my only friend and the only other person who wants anything to do with me is that kid.”

Madison was smiling “Your not really in the position to be choosy about friends Harper. And what kid? You mean Andrei?”

Harper scoffed “Yeah, the man child.”

“You don’t even know him.” Madison was shaking her head with a chuckle “He’s not a bad guy and if you weren’t so insistent on being rude to him you would know that.”

“You sound just like dad,” Harper sighed falling back and hiding in the pillows.

Maddie shrugged “Maybe dads on to something. Harper I know you're still really hurting but at some point you know you have to try and heal right? If not for us, for yourself. And I have the perfect way to start. Some of my friends from school and I, we’re going out to the fair by the cabin for Canada day, you should come. Sarah’s sister is coming too, so it’s not like you’re going to be stuck with a bunch of us kids.” She said air quoting.

Harper looked apologetic and hugged her “You know I didn’t mean it like that.” She said quietly.

Maddie laughed, “I know and it’s okay. So you’ll come. It wasn’t a question by the way. More of a statement.”

“Yeah, I’ll come,” Harper smiled, for the first time in a week and it gave Maddie a glimmer of hope. Just a few hours ago she’d been bedridden in the dark, and now she was so willingly going running. A better result than she’d expected when she’d come downstairs.

“Good, now, what are you going to do about today? You’ve been in bed or days. Think maybe it’s time to face the world Harper Alexander? See that it’s not so bad out there?” Maddie turned her head to the side and smiled hopefully. She would do anything to get Harper out of the mental mess she was in right now.

“A run could do me some good, maybe?” Harper said quietly with a nod.

Except that.

“That sounds great, but I’m not coming with you. You know me, I don’t run unless I’m being chased and even then I don’t like to sweat.”

Harper laughed and moved to grab some of her running clothes, and the air in the room seemed to change.

“I’d never expect that from you.” Harper said with a chuckle.

“Good. I don’t want to see you for at least 45 minutes, an hour even, extra points if you throw another 30 minutes on to that. I mean it. Go clear your head, and come back with a new outlook on things. But not for an hour. Or else.” She said wagging a finger at her.

“Alright, alright, I’m gone. A whole hour.”

She watched with some hope and optimism as Harper readied herself to leave, some bounce in her step that hadn’t been there before. Madison took the basement steps two at a time and loitered around until she heard Harper call out an “I love you!” And leave.

She pulled out her phone

Dads at work. Come wow me. You promised😉

She tucked her phone in her pocket and watched as Harper jogged down the driveway and disappeared down the street. Seth’s parents van was gone, but his car was present in the driveway. She’d seen them leave during the morning but then return after lunch so she knew he was home. Whatever excuse he’d make to Andrei was his problem not hers, but there was 45 minutes of time they might not get again so he’d better hurry it up.

Her phone buzzed.

Be there in 5. A promise is a promise.

Maddie made her way up the steps to her bedroom, a ripple of excitement surging through her as she pulled the curtains closed, clicking on a small night light in the dark bedroom. She stood there in the middle of it, looking around at the walls and the photos on them. There was years of memories there, lots with Harper and other friends, and more with Seth than anyone. Summers, parties, roadtrips, the long weekend at the lake over the years. She had so much time with him already and the next step was about to take place right here in the midst of all these memories.

Her eyes moved to the picture tacked up on the board above her desk. Her, Seth, and Harper before he left home to go play in Portland. If you’d told that Madison she’d be here now waiting for Seth to sneak up to her bedroom she would have laughed and called you crazy. But she had no idea what was going to happen years later.

Madison and Harper were sitting on the floor of the living room, a bowl of popcorn between them as they watched the game on tv. Their dad was on the couch behind them paying bills, occasionally glancing up whenever the announcer started yelling.

“This quality blows.” Harper complained squinting at the picture “I can’t even see where he is.”

“He’s…right there.” Maddie said pointing at him.

They spent as many of these nights as they could in front of the tv to watch Seth play. He’d been gone for half a season now and while he didn’t spend a lot of time on the ice, they still watched and held out hope to see him a little bit. It was weird to not having him around, and the three of them tried to arrange a FaceTime call at least once a week. The girls had some trouble adjusting to his absence at first. Maddie had no one to hang out with and Harper had no one to mother. The last few times they’d spoken he seemed to be in better spirits than he’d been the first few months he’d been gone.

“Sure would be nice if he’d score a goal or get in a fight or something.” Their dad said from behind them.

The girls started giggling “No way.” Maddie said in between laughs “The last fight he got in was with Harper and he lost.”

Harper held up an arm, made a muscle and slapped her bicep area “Seth picked the wrong one. It also helped that Maddie held him down.”

“Leave that poor boy alone-“ Their dad chuckled and rolled his eyes but before he could continue Seth hopped on the ice and caught a breakaway which caused Maddie and Harper to both start yelling as they watched him race down the ice and score. They let out a screech and high fived as they watched him celebrate with his teammates.

“I miss him.” Maddie said leaning back against the sofa “It’s still weird not having him here.”

Harper nodded “Yeah I agree. There’s no one to pick on now that he’s gone.”

“Think he misses us?” Maddie asked glancing at her.

Harper nodded “Definitely. Probably carries around our school pictures.”

“Keeps them under his pillow at night.”

“While he cries himself to sleep.”

“I miss my best friends-my only friends. I miss my-“

“Okay okay enough.” Their dad was laughing behind them “He’s not here to defend himself. You two are ruthless.”

Maddie smiled a little at the memory and looked down at her feet. While she should have been nervous, she wasn’t. Sitting there on her bed, waiting for Seth to sneak over felt like she had been preparing for this moment her whole life. Like it had always been about this moment. She was nervous at all, not scared, not anxious. Just ready.

She heard the door open, and knew it was Seth by the sound of his footsteps. He came up the steps slowly, and made his way down the hall pausing outside of her door. She turned when she heard it open and smiled. She didn’t feel nervous, but he looked nervous.

He smiled back and shut it behind him locking it to be safe, and reached a hand forward to pull her to her feet.

“Are you sure? I just want to make sure your good with all this, and comfortable. I can wait if-“

“Seth. I don’t want to wait. I’m sure. 100%.”

He smiled and then said quietly “Are you nervous?” He had his hands braced on her waist.

She shook her head, wrapping her arms around his neck “No. Not with you. Are you?”

He shook his head back and forth and then said “Yes.” With a large smile before he moved forward, closing the gap between them. It was dark, and quiet and the tension in the her room was so heavy she was drowning in it but it all disappeared when he leaned down and kissed her.

He had been holding out on her.

It was heavy, the kind of kiss that hit her right in the lady parts, and would have knocked her out of her shoes if she’d been wearing them. She was so dazed she nearly forgot to kiss him back, but regained her composure and wrapped her arms around his neck. He had her backed up against bed now, hands everywhere, as they continued kissing. He was gentle as he eased her down on to her bed, hands sliding up underneath the T-shirt she was wearing, a winterhawks shirt he’d brought her home after his first season away.

“Can I take this off?” He asked pulling away for a moment. All the nerves Maddie hadn’t felt earlier she was feeling now. They had bubbled up into her throat making her unable to speak. She nodded, pulling herself up to a sitting position and raising her arms over her head so he could pull it off. He slid it very gently over her head, fingers brushing against her skin, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind.

Even in the dark she could feel his eyes move down her body, and a heat shot through her as he leaned forward agonizingly slow to kiss her again, stealing her air. She gripped the underside of his hair, moving her fingers down his shoulders to the hem of his shirt and gave it a tug, leaning back so he could pull it over his head. She reached down between them, fingers sliding down his abdomen to the waistband of his shorts, hooking her fingers in them.

Seth’s skin felt hot to the touch but he let out a little shiver as she ran her fingers just under the waistband. He stopped her though when she gave them another tug.

“Mmmm.” He shook his head and nodded to her “You first.”

She leaned back, undoing the button on her jean shorts and lifting her hips to wiggle them down her legs so he could pull them off. He nearly got lost for a second before he regained his confidence he’d had just a few seconds ago and tossed them to side.

She shook out her hair “Your turn.”

He shed his own shorts, just as she unhooked the clasp of her bra and stretched her legs out so he could pull her underwear off. He leaned down to kiss her again, pressing his front against her own, one of her arms coming to rest around his neck. Her skin was feverish against his as she gave a little shiver. He’d gotten himself so amped up he was getting ahead of himself, and took several deep breaths to slow himself down. He could feel Madison’s heart thumping around and brushed a strand of hair off her flushed cheek as he slotted himself between her legs, and looked up at her a lock of hair falling across his forehead.

“Ready?” He asked softly

She nodded, closing her eyes and he very slowly pushed inside, pausing as she rolled her hips around adjusting, before pulling back out and pushing in again this time more forceful. Seth had one arm braced on the mattress next to her head and the other was gripping her waist. He let his head fall forward, and it came to rest in the crook of her neck as he continued moving in and out of her. His vision turned sideways as he tried to focus on the drag of friction every time he moved, and Madison’s eyes slid closed, her back arching so far off the bed she could have levitated right off had he not been draped over her, a long slow breath escaping her lips as she did.

“Seth.” She breathed as one of his hands brushed against the smooth skin as the base of her throat. He kissed her hard, her teeth catching his bottom lip. He pushed harder and faster, and she let out a gasp as an ache settled between her legs and she started to shake. With a small squeal, she dug her nails into his arm and closed her eyes dreamily as the room turned upside down and inside out and she had a slow, pulsating orgasm that washed over her in waves. Seth followed immediately after, pushing as deep as he could before the burning sensation in his arms became too much and she draped himself over her both breathing heavily. As the stars dissipated and their heart rates slowed he finally looked up at her. He had a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead, and his hair was a mess but she could see his smile clear as day even in her darkened bedroom.

“So?” He asked after a few minutes of silence “On a scale of 1 to wow, where did that fall?”

She giggled as he pulled out and laid next to her “Definitely wow.”

Seth smiled and ran a finger across her jaw line and let out a breath “Mission accomplished. Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” He sometimes couldn’t believe how beautiful she was. He wondered why he’d never noticed before, and what he’d been looking at for all these years. But all he could do was make up for lost time now.

She shook her head “No.”

“Hm.” He frowned and fixed her with a look “Well I’m gonna start. I’m gonna tell you everyday.”

She rolled her eyes and sat up glancing at the clock “Okay. Today though your going to have to tell me on the way out. It’s been 45 minutes and Harper can only run for so long.”

He sat bolt upright mouth open “Harper? Oh my god I didn’t even think about her being here. To be honest though I wasn’t really thinking with the right head when you texted me to come over.”

“Seth ew!” She picked up a pillow and smacked him with it. He chuckled and sat up, leaning down to pick up his shirt from the floor and shrug it back on. It was quiet for a few moments as they searched for their clothing before he cleared his throat “Hey what are you doing later? We could do something, dinner or…something.” He said hopefully.

She smiled and shook her head “I can’t tonight.” She said pulling her shirt back on “Me and Harper are going to that carnival by the cabin.”

“Oh.” She heard him sound mildly disappointed but then a hopeful “Hmmmm.” afterwards. When she turned he was smiling mischievously and held his hands up and shrugged “Wouldn’t it be such a funny coincidence if me and Svechy just happened to be there?”

Maddie paused, smiling and nodded in understanding “It would be pretty funny. Hypothetically of course.”

He looked confused and nodded slowly eyes squinted “I-I don’t know what that means but agreed. So maybe I’ll see you. Hypo-whatever you said.”

She shook her head and looked at him incredulously “Your parents are teachers. It means- Nevermind maybe I’ll see you then.” Madison giggled and leaned up to kiss him, and watched as he walked down the hall, went down the stairs and out the front door. She fell back in bed and eyes slid closed, as she smiled dreamily. It had been everything she could have dreamed of.

But it was cut short when she heard the door open and close. She listened to the footsteps as they moved across the floor.

Harper.

Maddie hopped up and made her way out into the hall and down the main stairs. She would have trouble keeping what just happened from Harper, but she would do it anyway. She would tell her when the time was right.

Harper was pushing her running shoes off her feet by the door and glanced up to see Maddie as she came down the steps. She was soaked in sweat, a thick ring of it around the neckline of her shirt, and spots had soaked through her shirt, but she was smiling which was already a vast improvement from this morning. Maddie grinned. “How was your run? Feeling better?”

Harper nodded and brushed a hair off her face that had fallen out of her ponytail “Much better. Great idea Mads. I stayed out as long as I could.”

Maddie glanced at the clock “53 minutes on the nose. Impressive. I would have died within the first 10. You’ve achieved a level of cardio I could never. I’m just glad it helped. It helped right?”

Harper pulled a bottle of water from the fridge and let out a long breath “I feel great. As soon as I drink this I’m gonna go shower, you still wanna go right?”

“No actually I changed my mind. I don’t wanna hang out with your depressed ass anymore.” Harper made a face at her and Maddie giggled “Duh. Nothing says summer quite like cheap beer and carnival rides. We’ve got time so no rush.” Maddie was so excited to spend time with Harper outside of unpacking boxes and sitting by the pool. It had been so long since they’d done something fun, Maddie couldn’t wait to get her out of the house for it. If a janky carnival was what it took then she would go to 100 of them.

Harper was looking at her over the water bottle and nodded before she wiped sweat off her forehead “So what were you doing while I was gone?”

Madison shrugged and smiled “Nothing really. Just thinking.”

“About anything special? The boy next door maybe?” Harper leaned forward and batted her eyelashes and Maddie smiled.

“Nooooo. Why? Were you thinking about anyone special? The other boy next door maybe?” She mirrored her eyelash batting and Harper grinned.

“Noooo. I’m going to shower.” She said giving Maddie a shoulder bump as she passed her.

“To think about Andrei.” Maddie shimmied her shoulders at Harper and she snorted out a small laugh.

“Ew!” She said looking at her over her shoulder “No!”

Maddie smiled “Might as well. I’m sure he’s thinking about you in there!” She called as Harper made her way up the stairs.

“MADISON.”

[meimi-haneoka]

{drabble} Somewhere I belong - Kaito/Akiho

This is the second Kaito x Akiho / YunaAki drabble that is paired with the first one I wrote from Akiho's POV. Please read that one first so you can have a better understanding of the situation!

The setting is the same as the first drabble, but Kaito's thoughts drift all over the place because....well, he's Kaito. He's been officially named as the "overthinker" by CLAMP so now I'm going to call him that for quite some time 😂

As you will be able to see, while Akiho thought to herself without problems that she loved him, you won't see Kaito thinking that, here. This is a very early stage of their new life and he's still far from acknowledging any of that, but he's starting to come to terms with things, at least.

This one might be a bit more angstier than the other one, again because this is Kaito we're talking about. His self-loathing won't disappear overnight. But I hope that the finale will comfort you, at least. ❤️

Once again, I'm not a native English speaker so forgive me if any line sounds weird!

P.s. Dandelion, thank you again! P.s.2 Yes, I also like Linkin Park 😁

Excerpt:

“I’m sorry...”, I blurted out, in a whisper. Every time we ended up in this situation, I would apologize. And she would never reply to it.   Maybe an apology wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but I had yet to find out what were the right words to say. 

Kaito's POV

I don't think I'll ever be able to forget it. 

The way she looked at me when they told her everything, that night.  The way she had slowly turned her head and kept her gaze fixed on me, while the British magician rattled off all that my plan had entailed, down to the way it had affected my body. He recovered all the previous memories, and he knew Akiho-san needed an explanation more than anyone else, but also knew I was in no condition (neither mental, nor physical) to give it to her. I could feel her gaze piercing through me, while someone was helping me sitting down, as I couldn't even stand up. 

Her hands gripped tightly the tablet, shaking. Her blue eyes, usually crystalline and bright like the Caribbean Sea, darkened several shades and became like a raging storm. They once again glazed over with emerging tears, but she probably held them back, because not even one dropped. 

And I felt so weak. My guilt, growing again by the second.   I would've given anything to remove that hardened gaze from her and bring back the soft features I've always known. But you see, that was my problem.   Giving everything the way I did before wasn’t the correct answer. And I had finally surrendered to the truth, that night.  But I didn't know any other way. I simply didn't know how to express how important she is to me without pushing it to an extreme, and that was exactly how we came to that point.  

I don’t know when exactly I started to hear that voice inside of me, telling me that I wanted to connect with her. 

I could hear it every day, before I carried out my plan. Louder and louder and louder. Kicking and screaming inside of me. I tried to fight it for so long, forcing myself not to hear it. But when she asked Sakura-san to bring me back, and she stated that she refused to keep living a fabricated life, wanting to go back to what she had before with me, I suddenly grew so tired. So, so tired. I was exhausted. I didn't want to fight it anymore. 

I've fought countless magicians ever since I was a little boy, and defeated every single one of them. People kept me at a distance for that. And yet, completely oblivious to all of that, she was the one who defeated me every single time.   Even this time around, she won. She won over that brutal, devastating desire to disappear forever that had consumed my life to such degree. She won over my guilt and self-loathing that I, quite frankly, haven’t got rid of yet. 

So here I was, now, clinging to her like a lifeline in the kitchen, while I waited to regain control of my breathing. I had tried to hide it from her, the first couple of times after I got back on my feet, following that fateful night. But she found out every single time and made very clear that if we wanted to live together from now on, this had to stop. I didn't know what to do with myself anymore. Why was I fighting it again?  So I did as she requested, and by now, this was already the third episode of seizure she had witnessed. 

I didn't know.... how any of this worked. But I wanted to learn. I wanted to try. 

I was slowly starting to get it. Why I caved in and agreed to go back to her, that night, despite how confused I was and how much I still despised myself for making her cry like that.   She made me feel wanted.   Made me feel accepted. Made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere. I hadn’t realized how much I actually had yearned for that, all this time. 

I thought I was nothing to her. I thought that she could've lived perfectly fine without me, without remembering anything of what we experienced together. Because, in the end, who was I? Just her butler. I embarked on that mission with the full understanding that I would've always been just her butler, and I played that part till the end at the best of my ability. An expendable tool to let her reach the happiness she deserved.  

But I wasn't. I wasn't, and I couldn't see that. I could only finally realize it that night in the most harrowing way possible, causing that face I wished to see eternally smile to be tainted with burning tears, as she poured out all her pain. Pain that I had caused. This wasn't the kind of support she wanted from me, and I failed her terribly. 

I was willing to do anything to make things right. So when she asked me, no, rather demanded to not be kept in the dark whenever I had one of my seizures, I had no choice but to comply. That was what she wanted, and there was no way I could refuse it to her. 

But now that the medicine was finally starting to kick in, and my breathing stabilized to a more normal rate, I raised my head to look at her worried face and I couldn’t help but think how unfair all of this was on her. She was so young, and she didn’t deserve to withstand all of this because of my choices.  

“I’m sorry...”, I blurted out, in a whisper. Every time we ended up in this situation, I would apologize. And she would never reply to it.   Maybe an apology wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but I had yet to find out what were the right words to say. 

She helped me stand up and supported me all the way to the couch, where I finally laid down and released the tension from my stiffened muscles. Seizures usually left me completely exhausted and sore.  

She sat down on the floor next to the couch, and we exchanged a long, wordless stare. Her eyes were again clear and bright. Before I drifted in a dreamless heavy sleep, I remember I felt so grateful to have her by my side.   I didn’t deserve it.   But the warmth I felt in my chest, contrarily to before, felt so nice.   And I was pretty sure she was the cause of it. 

[snowbunn15kaiii]

I legit wrote this for our roleplay project,, and yes this was written by a 14 y/o that’s why it’s full of crap  Not an x reader but should’ve been, maybe I’ll change it but for now this is all i have.. This is a modern au Btw Enjoy ^^

Some people say that their mom will and always have your back, or that they’re your first teacher, and first friend, but what if that’s not always the case? You see Kuni’s mother, Ei is usually very.. very.. very busy. Busy enough not to have time for them. People would say it isn’t such a big deal but it is, once you experience it by yourself not feeling your mother’s love can really be bothering.

“Mom look at this! doesn’t it look good? I drew it” Kuni will say, his eyes sparkling in excitement.  “Not now kunikuzushi I’m busy” Ei would repeat each time. 

“Oh okay, I’ll just put it here so you’ll see it once you’re not busy then!” again, kuni smiles to his mother whilst putting his drawing on the table. 

Although kuni could understand that his mother has something to do, sometimes he asks himself ‘how come mom never finishes what she is doing?’ 

But hey there’s a good in everything, Kunikuzushi here, or kuni does still feel that motherly love from his aunt Makoto, she provides him with all the love, all the comfort, and all the understanding he needs. 

Whenever kuni’s mother couldn’t give him attention, his aunt Makoto is always there for him. Oh you need a someone to play your legos with? aunt makoto can help. What’s this kuni drew something? Aunt makoto is so proud! It would always be makoto, and not ei. 

But the world seems to hate him so much, so it took away his aunt. And this only made his mom more distant, her sister is the only one she has and it had to be taken away from her. Things weren’t easy enough as it normally is, make it more so when the only thing you’re hanging on disappears.

Kuni: Mom..  Ei: Kunikuzhushi this is not the time..  Kuni: WAS THERE EVEN A TIME YOU’LL LISTEN OR COMFORT ME?!  Ei was taken aback at kuni’s outburst. Had this been the result of everything she’d work hard for to make her son’s life good? What about all the sacrifices she made for him? She wasn’t even able to spend time with her now dead sister.  Ei: LOOK AT HOW UNGRATEFUL YOU ARE! I DID ALL THAT FOR YOU!! SO THAT YOU’LL HAVE A GOOD LIFE, AND YOU’RE BLAMING IT ON ME?!  Kuni was enraged he didn’t want any of this riches, all he wanted was to feel his mother’s love and comfort, was that so hard for her to understand? 

Kuni: I NEVER WANTED ANY OF THIS, DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR ATTENTION WAS ALL I NEEDED? I GREW UP WITH AUNT MAKOTO RAISING ME AND NOT YOU! The two of them did not have a good relationship even as time passed by, and it resulted to kunikuzhushi being deprived of love and affection. And oh he tried so hard to find it, and he thought he’d find it in friendship. But that didn’t really end well.

Kunikuzushi did not have great experiences with having friends, he did have some back then but they didn’t really last, they’d betray him, some even manipulated him( ehem ehem dottore??). Because of this he didn’t have much friends, and it only made him afraid of trusting people. 

Everything only worsened when pandemic came, he was isolated, alone, with no one to talk or spend time with. Sure people will say “they’re rich they won’t have any more problems” but is that really true? Yes Kuni can buy whatever he puts his eyes onto but does it even help? no it doesn’t. No matter how many things he have there’s always going to be something missing. Everyday was suffocating, it’s as if you’re trapped in a box that’s growing smaller each second. He just wants to be happy is that something so wrong? Why does everything have to go downhill? questions linger his mind, and it feels so heavy to carry it. Every single day it gets worse...”but it’ll get better” he says, and he hopes it does. 

Eventually, while scrolling through his phone, kuni found this interesting game he now play very often. This allowed him to talk to people and eventually spend his time socializing, ‘even if this isn’t much, this is a step up’ he’ll think to himself. 

One eventful day a random player named “Barbatos” decides to join his world and had a small chat, he said his name is venti and soon they played together, fought bosses, and farmed materials. Kunikuzushi would lie to himself if he said he didn’t enjoy venti’s company, he was fun, humorous and interesting. 

-in call- Venti: KUUNIII  Kuni: what?  Venti: are you mad sweetcakes? Kuni: just.. what is it?  Venti: since we’re friends now would you like to join my discord server?  Venti: ehe I have some other people in there too!! Kuni: If those are venti clones I am out.  Venti: BUT THEY’RE NOT. THEY’RE REAL YK Kuni: okay.. i guess  Venti: why do you sound as if I’ve done something bad to you that you don’t trust me.. Kuni: .... Kuni: just send the invite venti.  -Scaramouche have joined the AN(emo) Boiz-  Heizou: oh??   Venti: Ehe he’s the one I’m talking about, Kunikuzushi : ) Kazuha: Ahh he’s that interesting person you’re talking about Kuni: Hi : )  Kazuha: Hello there! I hope we could get along and be good friends!! (friends lang ba?)   Venti: XIAOO COME AND WELCOME HIM >:(  Xiao: Hi, hope you get along with them and not get that annoyed by everyone. Enjoy.  Kuni: thanks everyone.

Within just a few weeks Kuni had already been close with everyone. They’d have frequent in game hang out, and sometimes they even go to malls, amusement parks, and cafe’s to keep each others’ company. 

But hey what’s a life without struggles? We’re talking as if the boy hadn’t suffered enough. Kuni still does experience occasional anxiety attacks or sometimes he’s really going to be really off because of some.. issues. And his friends didn’t just let him be at those points, they would always, always check up on him, one way or another. 

Kazuha: @Kuni, you’ve been off lately.. Is anything bothering you? : (  Venti: YEA you weren’t able to join our weekly hangout today.. you okay?

Xiao: we’re worried..  Heizou: That’s right, and you’ve been offline for hours already Kuni: where did ya’ll even get this? I’m fine. Venti: No you are not, stop lying already Kazuha: Please, you know you can tell us anything right? Heizou: That’s right! Xiao: And we know when something is wrong. Kuni: I can’t really lie my way can’t I? Venti: HAH! THAT’S GOOD THAT YOU KNOW Kuni: Well...It just soft of happens occasionally but it would always have such big impact on me.. 

Eventually Kunikuzhushi ended up telling them everything about what’s been happening to him and his problems. It didn’t take a while for the group to understand and start comforting their friend.

Kunikuzushi felt more at ease by this, it’s an understatement to say that he’s thankful to have met them. Really, Kuni is sure he needs to thank venti for this, venti did make it easier living in this pandemic, especially now that he met trustworthy and very good friends. Although he knows that there are a lot more obstacles in life, having some people to lean on wouldn’t hurt right? There’s still tons of things kuni needs to fix, including his relationship with his mother, but everything will be fine, we just need to keep on moving forward in life.

[snakegorl212006]

Exploration (pt 5)

Pomefiore

Seeing as I know who they are going though this part should be a breeze.as much as a breeze this will be, it would be cruel of me to skip them entirely. Based on kalim’s reaction, it would be a relief to find out that someone from the living know that they exist and they don’t feel invisible . Though I would say I’m quite nervous meeting a famous actor and model. Grim seems relaxed going in here. When I entered the luxurious doors of the Pomefiore wing I was greeted with music and the scent of honey lavender. The air felt refreshing, almost like a calming relief. Just one problem. The feeling of eyes watching my every move. Like I’m on stage. Fortunately it seems peaceful in the main lobby. My search began starting with the lower floors plus the outside. I walked to the kitchen,nothing in there ghost wise. But there was a basket full of fresh apples. Something that wasn't there before. Still feel like I’m being watched. I exit the kitchen where I saw grim being petted by a young guy with unusually lavender hair. In his hand was an empty basket. I walked forward which made him look up at me. He looked surprised that I could see him now. He walked to me and placed the empty basket in my hands then he grabbed my wrist and tugged me to the backyard to the garden. Though there were mostly poisonous and medicinal plants and herbs there happens to be a single apple tree with fresh apples still left on the branches. When we reached the apple tree the young male disappeared .This tree must mean that the ghost was epel,the assistant who was an apple farmer I guess he wanted me to pick some apples. How am I gonna get them out of the tree? I only picked the apples that were in my reach. Then something told me to look up behind me. I turned to face a window. As soon as I turned, a figure exited out of view. I quickly wrapped up the apple picking and headed back inside. I placed the apples next to the other batch, then I headed upstairs. Before I could pick a room, a sharp gust of air passed by me which ended with a sound of something being punctured. I turned down the hall to see a make-shift archery board. There was an arrow stabbed dead center. “I apologize. I had no other way to gain your attention, amore” a voice spoke with a slight accent. I turned to see a familiar face holding a bow. His green eyes smiled as he gazed at me. That bob cut and that accuracy and that unforgettable gaze. I’m looking at rook hunt. “Roi du Poison, is waiting in the other room” Rook said as he pointed to the master room. “Thank you…” I said and he gave me a smile before walking down stairs. I looked to see he was gone. Behind me was the creaking of the door. The master bed room is open and has an overwhelming sweet smell rolling from it. Whatever it was sure attracted grim who came walking upstairs head up high. I followed behind the silly cat but the more I edged closer, the more dizzy and suffocating the air became. Humming was heard from the room. An eerie toon. I reached the door where the dizzy smell grew the strongest. The room was slightly dim where the majority of the lighting came from the vanity. The main issue was there was no one around. I entered the room where the door closed on purpose. That smell grew stronger which made me feel dizzy. My vision blurred for a second. When I gained some control I noticed a person sitting on the validity chair. The Vil Shoenheit was sitting in front of me doing his makeup while humming. Well i see it it’s proof enough now i have to go before i pass out. I turned around to leave only to feel paralyzed. I couldn't even speak. That smell continues to overwhelm my senses but its not a painful dizziness. Now it’s drowsiness. This air once again brought me comfort like a blanket. My body leads itself to the comfort of the bed almost like I was floating. The comfort of the sheets. The perfect air. I guess a nap wouldn't hurt. My vision fades so does that figure resting above me stroking my head comfortably. I guess a nap woulden”t hurt….. The i felt something sharp. I shot up awake to see grim hair on ends as he meowed almost in panic as he rubs against me like we haven’t seen each other in years. I looked at the time and it was almost sundown. How long have I been asleep? Weakly i got up from the bed and searched for my journal. The journal is on the vanity so I went to grab it. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted something glossy. There was a kiss mark on my forehead leaving me with much confusion. I wiped the mark off,I gathered my things then I began to leave. I wonder why he did that.

[squish36-writes-and-draws]

21 November: Unraveling

Word Count: 739

TW: Swearing, Suicidal ideation

General Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed!): @stellar-lune @faggot-friday @kamikothe1and0nly @nyxpixels @florida-preposterously

@poppinspop @uni-seahorse-572 @solreefs @corruption-exe @rusted-phone-calls

@when-wax-wings-melt @good-old-fashioned-lover-boy7 @dexter-dizzknees @abubble125 @hi-imgrapes

@callum-hunt-is-bisexual @callas-pancake-tree @hi-my-name-is-awesome @katniss-elizabeth-chase @sillyguy-supreme

@void-kill @thefoxysnake @the-pre-quiz

Unraveling Project Specific Taglist (lmk if you want to be added/removed/upgraded): @cutebisexualmess @crippling-pages @daizythegreat @sophiefostersno1stan @iggydancebreak

@theleopardstalker @you-will-meet-your-downfall @multi-fandom-lunatic

On Ao3 or below the cut!

First (3 November) / Previous / Next

Keefe Sencen's Journal

    Dear journal, I know it’s tacky and pathetic to be speaking to you this directly, but you need to promise that you’re not going to tell anyone of these pages. If you for some reason find yourself in anyone else’s hands, figure out how to spontaneously combust. 

    I was wandering the streets as usual, and I found myself gazing up at Brunelleschi’s Dome, attached to the Cattedrale de Santa Maria del Fiore. I wondered just how difficult it would be to sneak in there and how long it would take me, falling from the highest floor, to hit the ground. 

    I would just remove myself from the equation. My mother can’t use me as a pawn in her little game if I’m dead.

    I would never drag anyone else into this mess along with me again. 

    Even now, as I write this, I keep thinking of digging this pen into my fingers until I can feel something, anything that isn’t simply my brain telling me that it would be easier, better, even, if I were to just end myself here. 

    It’s not that I want to die. It’s that it’s the best option after a string of horrible decisions followed by horrible decisions. Everything I’ve ever done, I’ve fucked up beyond repair. Anyone that knows me knows that I’ve run off to a random place in the Forbidden Cities. 

    It would be so, so easy to just disappear permanently and I can’t think of a single reason that not killing myself would bring a measurable benefit to anything. 

    If I do end up never writing in here again, you can assume that I’m dead. In that case, I want a few things to be known. I’m pan. I didn’t know that was something someone could even be until barely a week ago, but there’s no words for how right it feels. 

    It’s also the reason that I have to let Taylor, Florent, and, yes, Sophie know that I love them. I didn’t know it was possible to love more than one person at once and maybe that’s just another thing that’s wrong with me, but that’s all I know. You all deserve so much more than me and I wish you well on your future endeavours. I hope it improves from here. The bar is not set very high. Please forget me. I can’t ask you to forgive me, because I can never forgive myself, but I don’t want you to think about the pain I know I caused all three of you time and time again. 

    Fitz, I’m sorry I was such a shitty best friend for so long. Maybe if I hadn’t been caught up with staring at you any time we were in the same room, I would have seen just how badly you were spiralling and that your life wasn’t as perfect as I always imagined it being. 

    Tam, you’re going to be pissed with me no matter what I say. Please try to be there for Sophie the way I never could. Also the reason I made fun of your bangs is because they made my heart stop with every glint of sun they reflected and I never figured out how to process that in a healthy way. 

    Dex, I’m sorry for tearing your family apart. I never wanted to do that, but that doesn’t mean it’s not my fault. Keep on causing problems for me, I know you’ve always been a better executor of plans than I could ever hope to be. Fitz has some ideas if you’re willing to tolerate his presence. He might need some support, even if he doesn’t want to admit that out loud. I’m not telling you to go deal with all of his problems, I’m just suggesting that maybe he’s not having such a great time after the whole Alvar thing. It might be worth worrying that he’s going to get mad at everyone and that’s an unpleasant Fitz to be around. Deal with this as you see fit. 

    After an extensive review of the evidence, I’m simply an irreconcilable failure and there are times I wish I never existed. It would have been so much simpler if I had never existed. And yet, here I am, waxing poetic about wanting this all to end instead of actually getting up and doing it. I don’t want to die. It’s just making the best of a bad situation.

[poly-thot-one-piece-edition]

Hat Trick

Eustass Kid x cisfem!Reader x Trafalgar Law

CW: Language, violence, sexual themes, crass humor -

Summary: Hat Trick is a purely self-indulgent story. It's more porn than plot (at least at the start), but there's a story in there too.

It's my first multi-love story, and little slow going, but I hope you enjoy it.

18+ as always.

Chapter 2: Terms of Endearment

“You wrote a contract?” Eustass Kid questions, reading over the single page you handed to him and Law.

You had really sat down and chewed on the entire idea once you had gotten home, and had started to list out notes to make sure you were keeping everything in order. That had shifted into drafting something like a contract, not that it was meant to be legally binding in any way. You had titled it “Terms of Endearment” because you’re a nerd and it amused you, but now that the two of them were reading it with bemused smirks on their faces you wanted to take the pages back and just disappear.

You were all having coffee and donuts at a café down the street from the Gym. Having this conversation at the Gym felt wildly uncomfortable so you had all opted for the small café.

You were also acutely aware of how good the two of them looked right now. They weren’t wearing anything special, jeans and t-shirts both of them, but maybe it was because everything was out in the open about, but it just wasn’t fair. It was hard to focus on them before now, and it was certainly worse now.

Worse? Better? Right now it was really hard to say.

“It’s… yeah.” You admit your face going red. “I got worked up last night thinking about everything and this helped me calm down, and -.”

“No, it’s fine Mouse.” He interrupts, his face twisting as he fights to stifle a laugh. “It’s very you.”

You make a displeased noise, and Kid covers his mouth with his hand.

“You want Eustass-ya and I to spend time together… without you?” Law questions. Unlike Kid he had been reading over it for the last couple minutes.

“Eh?!” Kid turns his attention back to the paper and starts reading, you can see his golden-brown eyes moving back and forth.

“Yeah, I mean, you guys don’t have to get along 100%, but I’d like you to be able to get along with each other without me around. I don’t want to worry I’ll be coming back to a fight or something every time I leave you on your own.” You explain. “Not that that’s really ever been a problem, but-.”

“I get it. You’re worried the change in dynamic from friends to lovers would make things worse.” Law interrupts with a sigh. His expression says he wants to argue but can’t. “The logic’s sound.”

“This is all Honor System based.” Kid says after reading the whole thing.

“Yeah, I’m not trying to get lawyers or blood oaths involved.” You’re grinning as you look between the two of them. “Besides, I trust you two. If not then, well, I mean, I probably wouldn’t have been willing to try this.”

Kid makes a face as he looks over it again.

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s nothing in here to protect you.” He says, setting the paper down and tapping it. “What if we get to the end of this trial and you decide you don’t like either of us? I mean, if you pick one or the other, then the other just bounces – finds a different gym, keeps their distance on campus, that sort of thing.”

“I… huh? I mean… we would just… go back to being friends, right?” You had been so sure about that, but seeing Kid and Law’s faces was making you feel weird.

“(Y/N)-ya…” Law hesitated, but you could understand the look on his face.

“Sorry Mouse, but we did this because… I mean, shit. It sounds like a punk-ass thing to say, but I’d need some time if you picked that emo-fuck.” Kid’s expression was caught between embarrassment and frustration.

“He’s not wrong.” Law admits.

“Oh. Oh… ah hahaha, aahh – heck.” You put your hands over your face. “I’m… I’m sorry I didn’t realize.”

“It’s alright, we were trying to not pressure you.” Law explains.

“… The way you two keep talking, it’s like you’ve been talking about this between yourselves before now.” You say, peeking from between your fingers enough to see them both flinch.

“It was… a few weeks ago.” Law starts explaining. “We both knew how the other felt about you long before then (Y/N)-ya, but-.”

“Long before then?” You repeat. You’re not mad, but you were starting to wonder how long you had been oblivious about these two. You’re starting to feel a little horrified that you never noticed before now.

“… I’m not gonna recount sappy shit like that in front of him.” Kid grumbles. “But yeah, long before.”

Law clears his throat and pulls the conversation back. “A few weeks ago, we heard someone talking about Sweetest Day. We made, well, a Gentleman’s Bet. We’d ask at the same time, the same way, and take whatever happened.”

“I said you wouldn’t be able to choose,” Kid interjects with a grin. “You’re too nice, Mouse.”

“That’s when we agreed to offer the compromise.” Law finishes dryly. “The counteroffer,” he says tapping the paper, “wasn’t exactly expected, but I can’t say I’m completely surprised.”

You’re quiet for a moment before you sigh. “So, everything’s going to change just before winter break no matter what.”

“Everything was going to change once you graduated,” Kid says, and when you catch his gaze you can feel the heat rising in your face. “We weren’t exactly oblivious, Mouse.”

“It’s another reason why we were willing to take the risk.” Law adds.

“I wasn’t… I mean, I meant to… um.”

“Meant to say nothing and just let that ship sail, eh? Gonna move back to whatever part of the Metro you came from and let it go?” Kid’s voice was mostly teasing, but there was a twinge of irritation. “That’s letting things change for shitty reasons, Mouse.”

“For what it’s worth,” Law offers. “You weren’t overt, but it wasn’t impossible to notice either, and the two of us are around you more than most.”

Kid grunts. “You didn’t smile at Killer the same way, and your voice wouldn’t hit the same pitch, unless it was him.” He explains, jerking his thumb toward Law.

“Oh gods don’t start telling me my tells.” You say, putting your head down onto the table and covering the back of your head as you face goes red. “It’s too late for me to stop and I don’t need to hear it.”

Kid chuckles. “Alright, but there is one more thing we need to talk about, Mouse.”

“Somewhere other than here, though.” Law says, standing up. “It’s not a conversation that needs to be overheard.”

“You comfortable having us over?” Kid asks as you and he get up as well.

“I mean, yeah?” You did just admit you trusted them, and they were more likely to behave with the other around to keep them in check.

“Let’s head over there then,” Law says, “I’ll drive.”

“Do you even have a car? Your whole crew’s a buncha eco-freaks.” Kid asks as you all file out of the café. “I just can’t imagine rocking anything with more leg-room than a Prius.”

“You make it sound like you haven’t customized that beast of yours to be practically zero emissions.” Law retorts easily, clicking a button and flashing the lights on a black Audi with gold rims.

“That’s not a Prius,” you grin at Eustass as he snorts. “Is that an RS7?”

“It’s the limited edition,” Kid grumbles before Law could answer.

You made Kid sit up front with Law and gave directions to your apartment from the café. It was a short enough drive, and nothing happened in the car. You took them up to the fourth, and top, floor of the complex and brought them into your space.

It was a simple enough design. A small hall with a coat closet and space for shoes that opened into a kitchen on the right and a living room space beyond that. Your bedroom was to the left, just after a door to a half-bath that was meant for guest usage. The full bathroom was beyond that, with a better entrance from your room. It was almost completely square, and easy enough to maintain. Ideal for one person with enough extra space for a couple guests.

The living room had just enough space for a sectional couch and a TV, with a couple stools that were under the breakfast counter that separated the living room and kitchen.

You made coffee and tea for drinks for everyone and Kid and Law settled into either side of the sectional. Setting drinks down, you pulled a stool over to the coffee table and sat on it, facing the two of them.

“So, what’s the clandestine topic you have to share that can’t be said in a café?”

“How much do you know about the Metro’s underground?” Law asks calmly.

You almost choke on your tea.

“I mean, I grew up close to the center of the city.” You admit, regaining your composure easily. “I’m sure I know more than most. Like, I know the Warlords by name, and I know they’re meant to keep the Emperors in check. I know the outer sections have, um, Kings – people who establish themselves in those areas and make a bid for either a Warlord position or Emperor position.

“And all that is because everyone believes the legendary One Piece is somewhere in the center of the Metro.” You take a sip of your tea as you finish.

“Wow, Mouse.” Kid looks genuinely surprised. “Here I thought you were just a little house mouse.”

“Do you know who the King of East Blue is?” Law sets his tea down as he asks. If he was surprised by what you knew you hadn’t caught his expression.

You nod. “I would like to hope so.”

“Friends of yours?” Kid questions and you nod again. He laughs, and it’s full of amusement. “Fuck Mouse, we were walking around on our tiptoes and here you’re practically in the same boat.”

“Eh?”

“Eustass-ya is the King of South Blue, and I’m the King of North Blue.” Law explains. “Half of why I’m finishing my degree here, and why Eustass is here, is so we can watch over East Blue for Luffy while his crew’s traveling.”

“So… you’re all friends?”

Law shrugs. “It’s more like an alliance.”

“It turns out what we’re all after is just different enough there’s no reason for us not to help one another.” Kid explains.

“I… huh.” You sit on the stool and mull over what you were hearing.

“We wanted you to know what you were potentially getting into, if this goes forward.” Law says. “It’s not the kind of information that should said lightly, but it would be -.”

“It’d be fucked up if you fell for us without knowing we’re basically criminals, Mouse.” Kid interrupts.

“Yeah… I…” You make a weird noise of frustration. “Hang on.”

You get up and go into your bedroom, pulling a picture down that has you, Luffy, and Shanks. You’re barely even ten in the photo and Luffy’s a couple years younger, and Shanks wasn’t pushing forty. You go back out into the living room, looking down at the picture, before sighing and handing it over.

“I’m… not allowed to speak on the details, but I think that says enough.”

You might not have seen any surprise on Law’s face before, but you certainly saw it now. He handed the photo over to Kid who nearly dropped it.

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing he’s not part of our plans.” Law admits, shaking his head lightly. “Of all the possibilities to expect, this was not one of them.”

Kid laughs, setting the picture down on the coffee table. “We’re all a bunch of idiots. No wonder you were always so vague about your family, Mouse. Fuck, we were all worried about running the others off by bein’ honest.” He leans back, putting his arms out along the back of the couch. “This all sounds like the best outcome we coulda hoped for.”

“I mean, yeah, but… ah, I hope I don’t come across as rude for saying this, but I’m not officially associated with, um-.”

“Neither of us are here ‘cause we’re trying for anything like that.” Kid says with a crooked smile, waving his hand idly. “I mean, we didn’t know about any of this until just now.”

“And we’re not like the Charlottes,” Law added. “We’re not going exploit you.”

“Oh, no, I didn’t, I just -.”

“It’s fine, Mouse. We get it.” Kid pats the couch. “We got all the details covered, come sit down.”

“I am sitting.” You insist, motioning to your stool.

“You’re not sitting. You’re perched like you’re a sneeze away from locking yourself in your room.” Kid says, giving you a sarcastic look. “Your paper thing said you wanted the three of us to hang out from time to time, and not just one or the other of us, so,” he pats the couch again. “I’m not going to eat you. I mean, not unless you ask me to.”

“You’ve sat between us before,” Law points out.

“Yes, before uh…” You wave your hand idly, but get up with a bit of a sigh, walking past Law’s legs to sit in the turn of the sectional. “It was easier when I didn’t know that anyone knew.”

Kid slides a little closer, turning at the last minute and bringing his leg up so there was a buffer between the two of you. He’s still tall enough to close the distance, but he stays back for the most part.

“If anything makes you uncomfortable, just use a color system, Mouse.” He offers with a sure grin. “Green means you’re good, yellow means you’re not sure and things need to slow down, and red means you need things to stop.”

“That sounds like safe words for BDSM,” you muse, glancing over and seeing Law’s moved closer as well, his position mirroring Kid’s.

“It’s a straightforward way to communicate that’s easy to remember in the heat of the moment.” Law explains, the look in his eyes making your face go red. You can’t hold onto the golden gaze and look away, opting instead to look at your knees and feet. “What color are you at now?”

You can feel Law and Kid leaning closer. You can feel your heart thundering in your chest, and you’re certainly you’re lit up like a Christmas tree right now, but you’re not uncomfortable. Embarrassed, sure, and certainly not in a mind to initiate anything yourself, but you don’t feel unsafe.

“G-green.”

“You’re beet-red and you’re saying green?” Kid muses. He doesn’t sound argumentative, just curious.

You nod.

“Can you explain it to me, (Y/N)-ya?”

“I… I’m not afraid, and, um, even though I’m – I’m,” you stumble over the word and just wave your hand around your obviously red face. “It’s… not… uncomfortable. I’m not worried or… anything.”

“So, if we go a little further,” Kid’s voice is heavy in your ear and you can feel the tickle of his breath against your skin.

His fingers slip over your yours lightly, and Law’s do the same with your other hand. You can’t believe these two coordinated this, but you can imagine they’re both caught up in the moment in similar ways. Kid’s hand is hot, almost feverishly so, and Law’s hand is cool by comparison, almost cold. Neither were uncomfortable, but you were reminded of red vs blue, fire vs ice, night and day.

Definably different, but oddly similar at the same time.

“If you just turn your head a little,” Kid prompts.

You shake your head. “I… I don’t want to choose, I’m sorry.”

“Then me first,” Law’s voice is practically a command. “I don’t want that punk’s lipstick all over the place,” he grumbles, a thin cool finger pressed against your chin, turning you gently toward him.

You can hear Eustass click his tongue, but he doesn’t argue. Law’s lips find yours, soft and dry and warm, with a kiss that’s restrained. You can almost feel the need and want that lingers behind it, it’s practically chaste, if not for the emotions behind it. You could feel your heart flutter, and the little zip of electricity that skip through your chest made your breath come out just a little heavy.

You smiled softly at Law before you turned toward Eustass.

“Don’t start being competitive already,” You say, seeing the wolfish grin on Kid’s face.

“Yeah, yeah, c’mere, Mouse.” His words are grinning more than his mouth as his lips push against yours. The hot kiss carried the scent and feel of lipstick, but the same restrained emotions swirled behind it. Given his usual default level of fire and passion you felt like he was restraining himself even more, to avoid making you think he was being competitive.

The flutter and zing of your heart was different from what Law did to you, but it was still deeply pleasant and, admittedly, addicting.

If these first kisses were any indication, you were going to face a terribly difficult choice come winter break.

[omegaprotocol]

Old Friends

Jason lives in a studio apartment with a single window outlooking the city with a fire escape. The place has clothes lying around and several instruments on stands looking pristine. Next to the instruments is a desk with a computer, sound system and mixer. Jason’s alarm clock is blinking as if a power out hit it. Jason is unconscious in his bed, with messy hair and dirty pajamas. One eye opens as he lazily reaches out for his phone with one hand. The time says 4:25 Pm. He stands up and puts his slippers on. He looks at the mess and gives up on cleaning it right now. He sits down at the desk, picks up his guitar and begins playing a few notes. On the computer screen is a new song that he had been working on for months with no progress. He looks at a picture of him and his grandma at his graduation from college and lets out a deep sigh.

“I’ll make it one day.” Jason plays a few more notes when the doorbell rings. Jason changes shirts to something cleaner and opens the door. On the other side is Hailey, a childhood friend of his from all the way back in middle school. She’s standing with a robot in a lab coat and the baseball cap Jason had given Hailey years ago.

“Hey Jason, I need your help with something important.” Hailey walks past Jason into his apartment and looks at the mess. “I see you still have the same organization skills as you did in college.”

“Hello to you too, and I wasn’t expecting company from you and your next science fair project. Why is it wearing my hat?” Omega holds her hand out to Jason excitedly.

“Hello, it’s wonderful to meet someone new! I am Omega Zero and I am programmed to save the world!” Jason looks Omega up and down before taking her hand and shakes it.

“That’s cute Hailey, but why is it here?” Jason turns to Hailey, “And frankly, why are you here? You don’t return my texts or calls, flake when we make plans, and disappear for a year and all the sudden you need something from me.” Hailey goes to Jason’s kitchen and grabs a soda from his fridge without making eye contact.

“That sums it up pretty well actually, and I was working on something really important.” Hailey gestures to Omega. “After I got that contract from the government, she needed my full attention." Jason sighs knowing that she says this for every robot she builds, and this time is no different. “I need a place to hide her until I figure out what to do next.” Omega begins looking around the room and shows interest with Jason’s music studio setup.

“Hide her? Why does she need to hide?”

“Turns out the government didn’t actually want a robot to protect Earth, they wanted a weapon to use for themselves. So I had to steal my blueprints and sneak Omega out of the lab so the government couldn't have her. She is much too important to let fall in the wrong hands.”

“Wait, so you actually built like a super murder robot for the government?”

“No, I didn’t. Omegas programming is very clear. Her only two objectives are to protect the people of Earth, and defend the planet from any harmful threats.”

“And why can’t she stay at your house?”

“The government is on my back and would expect me to hide something there. This is way less obvious.” Jason looks over at Omega, who has picked up a drumstick and is looking it over with genuine curiosity. Jason face palms before answering back.

“You're lucky I hate the government. Fine, I’ll house your little fugitive until you can build some other invention that magically solves all your problems.”

“Thanks Jason, you're a lifesaver.” Hailey quickly leaves the room and closes the door behind her.

“Yeah no problem, I live to serve you.” Jason looks up at the ceiling and lets out a groan. He looks at Omega waiting to see if she is going to do anything. Omega is now sitting quietly at Jason’s drum set. She takes the baseball cap she was wearing and holds it out to Jason with a smile.

“This is yours, I wanted to return it to you. Dr. Hailey would wear it around the lab but it has your name on it.”

“Oh, thanks. I gave it to her a long time ago.” He sets the hat down on the kitchen counter. “So are you really going to save the world, like, superhero crimefighter robot style?”

“Someday I hope so! Right now I don’t know much about the world and I hope to learn more. From what Dr. Hailey lets me read, humans seem really complicated, but they are really cool!” Jason’s expression changes from tired to curious.

“You hope? That isn’t something that robots normally do.”

“Well, I am not a normal superhero crimefighter robot.” Jason see’s Omega’s genuine happiness and innocence and can’t help but smile back at her.

“What was your name again?”

“Omega Zero! But you can just call me Omega.”

“Do you like music?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried it.” Jason sits down at his studio setup and begins showing Omega what all of his equipment does and plays some music for her.

[trelkez]

Things I enjoyed about Ted Lasso 3.08:

- Will and Henry - Beard and Henry - Richard tearfully saying goodbye to his camera roll - "woof" - password with two s's - Jamie in general

On the whole, though, I was pretty unhappy with this episode, so let's get into it.

1. Let's get this out of the way first, because this is one big part of the episode I wasn't mad about: the Isaac and Colin stuff. I thought the set-up was actually really effective: Isaac trying to force the team to be better people, being firm and supportive and a good ally to women (I was literally clutching my chest during that scene), and then the sharp, sudden drop when he sees the pictures on Colin's phone and storms off. This felt unfortunately true to life for me; being a good ally in some ways doesn't automatically make someone a good ally in others.

I'm hoping this is going to be resolved in the next episode in an uplifting way, because Colin needs it and frankly I, as an Isaac fan, need it. (I've been dreading this moment since Isaac's "that's gay" comment earlier on. This is a show about growth! I need to see that growth.) But I'm not too worried, because they haven't set up anything unresolvable here. I would do whatever the 2023 equivalent of burning your DVD boxed set is if they decided to give Isaac an unredeemed homophobic villain turn at the very end of the series, but I don't think they're going to do that. Conflict, sure; some needed growth, yes; but this isn't a show designed to suddenly pull the rug out from under you and tell you that people are bad, actually. In this one, very specific area, I have faith in the show to do right by us.

And on a sidenote: I've seen mixed reactions to Isaac getting on his soapbox about privacy and then grabbing Colin's phone and looking at his pictures without permission. I wasn't upset about it, tbh. They have been really consistent in showing how Colin defaults to toxic masculinity as a cover, and never moreso than here, where he tries to say what he thinks the average straight guy in a locker room would say and is then surprised to be called out on it. He implied he's going to be looking at the leaked photos, pushes back hard when he's told not to, slinks off with his phone - with every single part of how he acts, and especially with them knowing that Keeley's photos are out there, I would've grabbed his phone too.

What gets me about that moment isn't Isaac violating Colin's privacy, it's that Colin has so thoroughly drawn toxicity around himself like a shield that Isaac has no reason to trust him to do the right thing.

2. I know this isn't really a show about football, but it's still a show structured around football. Season three has been largely indifferent to that, and the lack of structure is really becoming a problem.

3. Nate and Jade are truly adorable, and that makes it all the more frustrating that they went so far with Nate last season and are now attempting to heal it through the power of "but he's a good guy actually." You took him pretty far down the path, show. Move him out of Richmond, and suddenly he isn't the cruel, narcissistic, handsy, life-ruining guy the show slowly built him up into? If this is supposed to be Nate returning to the light because he sees how terrible Rupert is and realizes where he's gone awry, they aren't showing Rupert nearly enough to get that across.

I don't want Nate to have to suffer forever for what he did, because this whole show is about flawed people getting second chances and finding joy and having people to lean on! But what they've done this season has felt like mid-season two Nate suddenly woke up and found out he was the manager of West Ham, and now has to bumble his way through fame while slowly realizing that the things he thought would make him happy are actually hollow without the people who cared about him along the way. Which is a perfectly fine storyline, if Nate had in fact spontaneously disappeared halfway through season two. Since he didn't, we're left with a season that is mostly just saying a lot, "but you still LIKE Nate, right?"

We're being asked to take it on faith that at some point, there will be a reckoning over season two - but for now, can't we just go along for the ride? If they had just let Nate apologize to Ted in episode four, that could have been part of a longer arc of character growth instead of - it seems like - the end point of the story. They could even have had Ted get swept away onto the team bus before he had time to respond, left it unresolved, and still taken a concrete step forward for Nate that is so far entirely missing.

Nate and Jade and their cute romcom scenes especially stand out within this episode. This ep violated Keeley as a plot device; remember when Nate kissed Keeley in the dressing room and we just moved on like nothing had happened? This ep has (at least temporarily) confirmed Colin's fears about the team finding out about him; remember when tearing down Colin's self-confidence was a key part of Nate's journey to the dark side? This ep has Ted taking his kid to Nate's game in West Ham gear; remember when Nate tried to ruin Ted's life? It makes complete sense for Ted, being Ted, to forgive (or tell himself he forgives) and move on without doing any actual emotional processing about it, but you can't ask the audience to do that too.

I was really worried about this after season two ended, knowing that season three was going to ask me to go along on a Nate redemption arc and not being sure how that would go. So far, I'm wildly unimpressed.

But Nate and Jade are very cute.

4. I am so tired of the Ted and Michelle drama, and I really wish I didn't know enough about Jason Sudeikis' personal life to be stuck seeing this as a guy throwing away his own titular character so that he can take shots at his ex-wife. There has been absolutely nothing to Ted's character arc this season except his angst over Michelle. The Dr. Jacob stuff is in fact really unethical and you can look at all of this and say, yeah, this really would send someone into a season-long funk! But why is it even happening? It's like all of the life has been drained out of the character. I for sure do not expect Ted Lasso to be happy and engaged all of the time - I made an entire Ted vid about anxiety and panic attacks and gloom! - but there are storylines about depression and then there's this, which is turning the show's central character into narrative dead weight.

The point at which Ted is so obsessed over Michelle that he's neglecting his extremely limited time with his son to try and stalk his ex-wife on her vacation - that's the point at which things have officially gone off the rails. Episode after episode I've thought, okay, now things are turning around. I really thought we'd turned a corner in Amsterdam, but somehow, things keep getting worse instead. Are we finally going to turn a corner now? Is there enough time left in the season for them to do anything meaningful with Ted Lasso the character at all, particularly given that this season is probably his swan song?

(And I’m not even sure if the feeling of things going off the rails was intentional or not! Did they know what they were doing when they put a story about Ted trying to PI-stalk his ex-wife alongside a story about a woman’s right to privacy? Is that an intentional contrast so we go, wow, Ted has really gone off the deep end here, or did no one do the math?)

About the only good thing to come from this storyline to date is Beard's Hey Jude interlude with Henry. Beard, you have some interesting ideas about what kids should do on vacation, but you are a very good friend and uncle.

5. And finally, oh god, Keeley. I don't even know where to start.

It really feels like they said, "you can have bi Keeley, but only if her girlfriend is obviously a villain who exists to put her through it on her way back to a man." That writing on the wall was why I was never particularly excited about Keeley and Jack.

Even so: in my wildest dreams I did not imagine they would do her this wrong. In what way was this ep's storyline even remotely necessary? The one and only thing it does that couldn't be achieved by other plot means is to violate and traumatize Keeley, and there is absolutely no reason to do that.

I know the episode was (co-)written by Keeley Hazell, who surely has some feelings about a model's right to privacy, and a lot of it does feel very pointed in that Very Special Episode way of commenting on how women are sexualized without their consent and impressing on the audience the importance of men standing up for women & everyone respecting the privacy of your partners, even after relationships are over. Other women won't defend you just because they're women, class solidarity wins out, internalized misogyny is very real - that all feels very deliberate. I feel like I get where this episode is coming from, and I can see the good intentions and desire to communicate specific messages behind it.

But, honestly: this is a mess. We always knew the Jack plotline was going to end poorly one way or another, but there were plenty of ways to reveal Jack as a not-great person without swerving into "your sex tape is your fault" partner blame. No matter its intentions, what this episode actually does is use a violation of a woman's privacy as a way to let male characters show off as good guys while a woman becomes a villain. It uses Keeley's suffering to advance plotlines she isn't even remotely part of, like Colin being outed to Isaac. It is, very clearly, setting Keeley up to lose her business - Jack was her source of funding; this isn't going to be a one-episode plotline. Some of these are bigger, structural problems rather than questionable one-episode script choices, and it gets me back to how I really just don't know what the show thinks it's fucking doing with some of these season arcs.

(Where is Rebecca? I'm not mad about the fertility storyline like some people are - it tracks for me - but why is she spending entire episodes as an expository device and plot advancer for other people's stories?)

And since I've seen so much back and forth on it: my assumption in the moment re: Roy was that he was trying to ask if the video was for him, if the leak was in some way his fault, and wasn't interrogating her about who she was making explicit videos for. But I'm ... also not sure that makes any sense (wouldn't he know if it had been for him?), so I may just be giving a lot of benefit of doubt here to avoid how otherwise wildly out of character that exchange would be. There's a difference between expecting characters to be good and unproblematic all of the time, which I don't, and expecting characters to stay loosely true to who they have consistently been all along, which I do. "Roy expresses himself badly" is not an excuse for the choices that went into that exchange; it was just bad writing.

Four episodes to go! Wow, do they have a lot of ground to cover before then. 😅

[sisterssafespace]

Assalamu alaykum

[I don’t know if you post or reply anymore but I’m just gonna do it]

Lately I haven’t been on deen. I haven’t been praying properly or reading my Quran like it should be read. So I started feeling paranoid. Allah put this fear in me and I felt like someone was watching me all the time. I spoke to my mum about this last night and she told me she felt the same almost 20 years ago and that she also wasn’t praying or reading the Quran. So before I went to bed last night, I read surah al fatihah, ayat ul kursi, and the last three surahs three times. I made a dua asking for forgiveness and mercy for me and my family.

Subhanallah something amazing happened. I felt like a saw a fraction of Allah’s power and greatness. It suddenly brought me to tears. I realised I was less than nothing compared to Allah and I hated that it took me 15 years to realise that.

My problem is that I have tried to be a good Muslim before and I have. For two days. Then I went back to my old ways. Last night felt like what I saw was genuine and real rather than what I’ve been doing the past few years. So how can I keep myself from tempting myself to do things that are against the deen? I genuinely want to change and become a better Muslim. But how can I do that with all of the distractions in this world? Any tips or advice?

و عليكم السلام و رحمة اللّٰه و بركاته 🍃

First of all, please accept my apology for the delay, I was traveling and didn't have a stable network..

Secondly, let us appreciate this ask and your story for a moment, Allahuma barik, I love these inspiring stories that can always prove to anyone in need that Allah swt is always there, only one prayer away, one duaa away, no matter how far or astray we think of ourselves to be, Allah swt is always near! You see, when you felt that there is something wrong or scary around you, you knew exactly what to do, you immediately turned to Allah swt because that's our fitrah, that's how we are built and programmed, He swt designed us that way, Alhamdullillah. And immediately He swt answered and provided for you safety, security, protection, and calmness. Allah swt doesn't need much from us, He is always waiting for us to call upon Him, so please do not forget that, even if one happens to sometimes forget that strong bond we have with Allah swt, it never disappears or stops existing.

Now here is the thing, one of the devil's favorite things to do is to try and distract the believers the moment they find their way back to Allah swt -He said, “For leaving me to stray I will lie in ambush for them on Your Straight Path. [7:16] - Shaytan has promised Allah swt that he will try and make sure to distract the believers when they're walking on Allah's straight path, when they are finding their way back or making their steps toward Allah swt. It has been also known that the stronger your faith or your desire to walk toward Allah swt, the harder Shaytan will try and distract you. And that will not make the believer weak or ' a bad Muslim ' , that's just how things are, that's the system, that's the test. All we have to do is try to stay firm and try to fight off the distractions, try to keep our eyes on the goal, that is getting closer to Allah swt and pleasing Him swt.

And remember, we are human beings, we are supposed to slip, we are supposed to make mistakes, we are supposed to sin, but the challenge is not to dispair, not to lose hope in Allah's mercy and to keep going back and keep asking for forgiveness every single time. Remember that Allah swt said that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said "By the One in Whose Hand my soul is! If you do not commit sins, Allah would replace you with a people who would commit sins and seek forgiveness from Allah; and Allah will certainly forgive them."

And He ﷺ also said “All of the children of Adam are sinners, and the best sinners are those who repent.”

So do not let the human tendency we have toward sinning discourage you or make you lose hope, and do not let Shaytan get into your head and let you believe that you are a bad Muslim or that you don't deserve Allah swt's mercy and forgiveness.

I know the world is very distracting and very destructive, especially if you live in the western world, may Allah swt help our brothers and sisters living in non-Muslim countries and strengthen their faith, and keep their hearts firm on the deen ya rab! But you are going to go with babysteps because the most beloved deeds to Allah swt are the smallest but the most permanent, the ones we don't quit them.. I say build a routine where you prioritize your daily five prayers, and if you can insert a few sunnah prayers like the sunnah of Fajr or Dhuha prayer that would be amazing! Make sure you stick to morning and evening adhkar because they are your way to remember Allah swt abundantly in your day, and through them He swt will protect you from all evil, all distractions, and help you stay focused. To remind yourself to do you can use apps, there are great Islam related apps that you can have on your phone either for deen in general or for duaas and adhkar, some apps offer to set a reminder on your phone and alarm you at the right time to read your adhkar, to pray, to read your daily Quran, etc..

Also, whatever it is that is causing you distraction ( for e.g. social media, series, movies, music) you can limit your consumption of that, you can uninstall certain apps or lock them, only use them a limited time in your day, I have recently replied to an ask about that you can also check in and In shaa Allah it will be beneficial for you.

The most important thing is that you don't despair, you don't guilt-trap yourself and you keep your hope in Allah swt's mercy because He swt said " قُلْ يَا عِبَادِيَ الَّذِينَ أَسْرَفُوا عَلَىٰ أَنْفُسِهِمْ لَا تَقْنَطُوا مِنْ رَحْمَةِ اللَّهِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَغْفِرُ الذُّنُوبَ جَمِيعًا ۚ إِنَّهُ هُوَ الْغَفُورُ الرَّحِيمُ

Say, `O My servants who have committed excesses against their own souls, do not despair of the mercy of Allâh. Surely, Allâh forgives all sins. Verily, He is the Great Protector, the Ever Merciful.'

Allahu al mustaān 🤍

- A. Z. 🍃

[viyil-words]

Most Likely To

I’m so tired of being depressed. And I’m so tired of caring what people think. Worrying about what people think.

I’m so tired of restlessly tapping my leg, picking at my jeans, chewing my nails and the ends of my hair because I can’t sit still. I’m tired of replaying my laugh over and over in my head because maybe it was too loud, it sounded weird, I wasn’t supposed to laugh. I’m tired of biting my tongue because who cares what I have to say? Someone does someone does someone does but I can’t convince myself of it.

I’m tired of feeling like a waste of space, like everyone would feel more comfortable if I wasn’t there, better if I wasn’t there. I’m tired of not wanting to die but wanting to disappear, because I don’t want to hurt anyone but I don’t want to be the still life painting that no one cares for anymore. I’m tired of saying nothing because I don’t want to bother anyone, or saying something and spending hours wishing I hadn’t. I’m tired of caring so much about what other people think, tired of regretting what I said or didn’t say, tired of not being able to connect, or connect in the right way, tired of listening to everyone’s stories and problems and fears but never sharing any of mine.

I’m tired of feeling empty the day after I spend time with people, maybe because I’m drained or maybe because I miss them, miss connecting, miss relationships, miss feeling like I matter, like I exist, I exist I exist I exist, but do I?

Do I really exist when I’m alone in my room, cross-legged on my bed, a black tornado in my chest and not a single set of eyes on me? Do I really exist when I am completely alone? Maybe we only exist because others perceive us. Or maybe we only exist for those others that perceive us.

Who am I to go on existing, breathing, being, if I keep only to myself? Who I am to live if I live only for myself, forever disappointing this half-life–demigod–inside me, and everyone everyone everyone.

I’m so tired of thinking so much. I’m tired of being the most-likely-to-have-an-emotional-breakdown, the most-likely-to-not-want-to-be-here. I’m tired of not wanting to be here. I’m tired of being the pushover, the blank slate, the perfectly kind and quiet and useless wallpaper in every world. I’m tired of dousing this fire inside me, the fire that begs to boil out of my lips or my fingertips but I won’t let it because no one no one no one wants to see it, hear it, not even me. I’m tired of being burned by all of this unspent passion, love, hope, fear, bravery, this life I won’t let myself live, that no one thinks I can live, the person I am but nobody knows.

I’m tired. I’m so, so tired.

[imsrry4this]

i tried

i’m not really sure on how to start this so here. By the time you've read this hopefully I'm dead. I've always had a pessimistic outlook on life and I never wanted to live past thirteen. I knew I've wanted to die since I was able to realize what death was. Nothing ever made me happy, Nothing filled the void in my chest. Nothing made my life worth living. The world would be a better place without me. Every single day of my life I've thought about killing myself and after several failed attempts hopefully this one worked. I wasn't smart, funny, pretty or a good person. I'm a piece of shit that got what she deserved. I've always struggled with depression but no one believed or took me seriously. Depression has always been this thing that followed me around and no one could see that I was struggling or even bothered to help me. Not that I have anyone to blame besides myself. I knew the only thing that would make me happy was dying. I've always seen death as a second option. Something freeing in a way. Even if i did get the help i needed i would’ve ended up with the same resolution. I never saw myself graduating or going to college. I'm not good at anything and have no hobbies, passion, or motivation. I've never hated myself more. After losing my best friend I knew nothing in my life would be worth living. I'm sorry to everyone I've disappointed and let down. I take full responsibility for what I've done because this is what I wanted. This wasn’t an impulsive decision either. I know this is what I want. I felt numb and empty all the time. I knew I wasn't alone but no matter what I felt alone. I felt like there was this huge gap between everyone else and me. I hated everything and didn’t see the point of functioning in everyday life. I'm tired of never being taken seriously and all of my problems being overlooked. I'm tired of being a people pleaser and being a doormat. Maybe now people will actually listen. I've always felt replaceable and like a burden.

I’m posting this for all my socials. As many of you may have noticed I deleted everyone off my discord. Nothing personal, I just want to disappear..

to my family, don’t blame yourself. This was a well thought out decision and something that I've been wanting to do. I'm sorry for being a troubled person and putting you through the worst.

to all my friends I could’ve said more but i don’t have the energy to type that much so sorry for this shitty letter. Each and every one of you should look in your emails. I gifted you all with something.

ps: I don't want a funeral. I seriously don’t want this to become a whole thing and an investigation to happen, just let me die and move on. my only wish is for everyone to forget about me and move on.

I’m sorry guys

[simmetrycal]

good morning ༉‧₊

synopsis:

ash being a man in an unusual but valid sense of the word.

word count: 3k

a/n: enjoy. chapter three of the mystery girl series coming soon, bear with me.

˚ · .

you might expect someone who’s as popular as ash to have a verbosely full phone with tons of messages always flooding through and people constantly hitting up his line. but as truth would have it, ash’s phone was as barren as a wasteland.

granted, his storage was still full on a daily basis. he takes hundreds of photos of rocky, especially when the two go on morning runs or hikes. he’s proud of the way they look; aesthetically outdoorsy and he’s always matching his outfit with a new dog leash or harness. he’s quick to get home and lay on his bed before changing into his work clothes, scrolling and picking out his favorite picture and posting it to his instagram story.

other images in his camera roll include scroll after scroll of memes and dumb tweets, accompanied by 0.5 forehead pictures of his caught-off-gaurd unsuspecting assistant.

ash rolled over on his bed at the country house utterly groggy, struggling to wake up. he slid up his pink nighttime eye mask and rubbed his tired face. rocky was peacefully sleeping on the lower half by his legs, curled up into a big ball.

ash felt around the sea of white duvet covers, looking for his phone to take a picture of rocky. why does everything disappear in this bed? he thinks, realizing he could’ve made a silly joke if he had a late night friend with him. perhaps he’d add “like clothing” with an eyebrow wiggle or maybe a wink.

after several long moments of him searching around, getting more and more frustrated by the second, he found his phone on the floor, face down on the rug. ash grabs it and immediately swipes from right to left to open his camera. but before he could do that, he noticed a single email.

˚ · .

“really? that’s it? how rude.” ash’s mom, grace, says as she sips her london fog, eyes peering to reread the email ash got this morning.

grace loves weekends almost as much as she loves her son. what’s more perfect is that the two often join each other at their usual coffee shop almost every saturday morning. ash had just shown her his unfortunately devastating email from a magazine he attempted to submit a poem to.

Dear Asher,

Thank you so much for submitting your work for consideration. We have decided against publishing your submission, but we wish you the best of luck placing it elsewhere.

Regards.

it stung, he couldn’t lie. he had to force himself to get out of bed and put some clothes on after reading it for the first time, act like he wasn’t upset about getting put down from his new hobby. act like he could stop thinking of it as he drove himself and rock back to their place in the city.

he was supposed to stay out here at the country house for the whole weekend but the septic tank is getting fixed. he’d rather peacefully shit in his apartment than out there.

anyhow, ash has recently taken up poetry. specifically lifestyle poetry.

the problem is, he sucks. he knows it, everyone else knows it, his mom knows it, and apparently so does Ranger Magazine.

“i mean, they could have at least worded it nicer,” he says curtly to his mom as his drink gets brought over. he ordered a caramel vanilla frappuccino like the total sugar boy he is.

he takes a sip and settles a bit better in his chair. happy to have something in his system other than two cherry tomatoes and a cheese stick.

“mm, i agree.” grace says, but thinks for a moment. “though, maybe this is a good thing.”

“are you about to tell me rejection is a blessing?”

grace smiled and seemed to see past her sons annoyance about the situation. “this is a perfect opportunity for you to grow and learn, ash. don’t quit now, keep writing, and you’ll surely improve.”

her words are kind and they touch ash’s heart- but he knows following her advice will be a bit harder than she realizes. ash is quick to give up a hobby he isn’t immediately good at, especially when he’s already naturally talented in many other aspects of life.

though, ash wouldn’t even be picking up a new hobby in the first place if he wasn’t heartbroken and finding new ways to distract himself.

grace doesn’t know this, though. and ash plans to keep it that way. she’s seen him go through quite a few situations where he simply leaves his heart out on a butcher block thinking it’ll be best taken care of there. of course, it’s never the case for him and he’s gotten quite good at picking himself back up. she doesn’t need to know he still has the habit of wearing his heart on his sleeve.

“so much for being celibate”, chantelle’s voice pings around in his mind.

“no worries mom, i’ll keep at it.” ash lies as he starts getting up, pushing in his chair. he knew he had to lie otherwise they’d be there forever, talking about blessings and god and never giving up.

ash wasn’t giving up in the way that others would think. he’s simply focusing his energy elsewhere..

but where is elsewhere? what’s he going to do with the rest of his saturday?

after loving goodbyes with his mom, ash makes his way his audi, folding into it and immediately dialing up his closest buddies to hang out.

his coworker raymond and his seventeen year old half sister eva being his only options at the moment seemed pathetic. he knew for sure raymond would say no to a hang out, but hope still coursed through him when ray accepted the facetime.

ash barely even looked at the screen as he started talking, too focused on pulling out of the annoyingly packed parking lot. this place screams hit and run.

“i’m free all day is what im say-“ ash stops when he looks down at the phone for the first time. raymond is half asleep listening to him and he’s got a certain pink haired goddess leaning on his shoulder. oh.

“is this a bad time..?”

“yeah.”

“nahh,” vanessa says, trying to play innocent but by the way raymond looks, he knows they’re up to no good.

“you know, just because i’m your boss doesn’t mean you’re obligated to pick up.” ash backtracks, nervous about vanessa seeing how lonely ash truly is. he wants outsiders to not see through his facade.

“you literally once told me the exact opposite of that.”

ash rolled his eyes and chuckled. “see ya,” he says before pressing the red button to end it. he was happy at the very least to get to say hi to raymond, even if he was busy for the day.

next, he finds eva’s contact and calls her twice. no pick up. she sleeps until noon on the weekends like a typical teenager. perhaps ash’ll bring her some ice cream later.

“hmm..” he sits in his car at a red light, trying to compartmentalize his messy thoughts. he can’t stop thinking about the premature death of the “situation” he was recently in. but he knew it was normal to be sad, and to want to hang onto it. it was part of the process— he had to let himself linger on the emotions for a few days, accepting thoughts as they come and letting them go.

too many thoughts, though, could lead to him getting overly stressed. so he hits a play button on his steering wheel to continue whatever music was on his phone.

good morning by kanye begins and his body vibrates with the accidental boom of his subwoofers he left turned way up from last night. he quiets them as he cruises, appreciating the sunshine coming up over the horizon.

ash absolutely loves the sun, the heat, the light. it’d been raining for eight days and now with the sun in his presence again, he felt more at peace. happier than his usual amount of happiness.

his big, cute sunglasses hid the way his eyes crinkled with a smile. maybe he would keep up the poetry. maybe he could write about the sun, or his mom, or his feelings. feelings he allowed himself to not fear. or a blend of all three.

˚ · .

later, ash finds himself at a bookstore, perusing the many shelves and tables filled with romance novels with dumb covers.

ash knows he shouldn’t but he does judge actual books by their covers. but hey! it wasn’t his fault that most of them nowadays look like an ugly collage of bright clip art.

and what business did those books have by putting the absolute smuttiest scenes not even halfway through? he rolled his eyes, tired of this trend. but why was he even tired? he thought, it’s not like he’s an avid reader anyway.

maybe he could become one. maybe one of these books will come home with the lucky asher solace and who knows? maybe he might even finish it.

first, he had to pick one out- the hardest part some may say. ash didn’t allow himself to open any of them, he simply let himself judge the cover art of all of them and he chose the least corny one. a photo finish, by elsie silver.

least corny cover didn’t mean least corny story, he found out soon enough. he chose a place by the too hot fireplace to read some to see if he liked it.

a few minutes turned into a fly-by hour all of a sudden and he didn’t even realize until the heat of the fire was practically melting him- urging him to get up and buy the book. he liked it more than he thought he would, loving how stupidly corny it was whilst at the same time, hot and sexy.

ash was so distracted that he ended up accidentally leaving without paying. realizing halfway through his walk in the parking lot before running back to go do that.

he continued his read in his car but it wasn’t the same, his mind couldn’t get quiet again like how it was in the bookstore by the fireplace. the vibe was off and for some reason, all he could think about was this manly urge to build or put something together.

he needed a new shelf anyway for his bearbricks, so he placed his new wonderful book on his passenger seat and opened up the lowes website on his phone.

is an eight dollar shelf suspicious..? it looked great and seemed to be a very sturdy, supportive shelf. but, cmon, only eight?

“maybe that’s actually a great deal. i’m trippin,” he grins as he orders it online, happily paying with his apple id— unaware of the dumbness of this plan.

in mere minutes he found himself standing in the light section at lowe’s waiting for his order to be ready for pickup with a bag of half eaten gummy bears in his hand. he puts one in his mouth after staring at a light bulb for too long, blinking away rapidly and deciding maybe this isn’t the best use of his time.

he wanders around, touching all the carpet samples and finding the softest one, acting like he’s a house renovator.

the display kitchenettes always catch his eye and he excitedly walks up into them, like he always does with room displays. (don’t let this man get lost in an ikea.)

he stuffs his pockets with paint color samples, ugly shades of bright pink and neon green, just because he likes looking at them. right as he collected his next handful, his phone buzzed, alerting him that his order was ready.

ash skipped to the pickup counter, past all the beer belly, blue collar, ford f150 dads looking at him funny.

what he didnt expect was the shelf to be so thin.. like, $8 thin. and there were no brackets to attach them to a wall, so he did another lap around the store to find some.

back at his apartment he changed his outfit. getting out of his usual white button up into a fitted t shirt, some blue carhartt overalls, and a yellow bandana, ready to build his new shelf! he looked like a minion, which made him happy. ash loves minions.

he knocked around the wall aimlessly with the knuckle of his index finger, looking for a “stud”. did he know what a stud was? no. did he know how to find one? also no. he just saw one of his handymen do it in the past.

ash liked to watch them in a way that may have made him seem like he wanted to get some, but he was only curious about what they were doing. he loves when people are doing something— especially for a living and doing something he doesn’t quite understand. so he always observed closely.

maybe not too close it seemed because now as he’s trying to do it himself, he has no clue where to actually start.

“fuck it,” he says as he drills in a screw haphazardly into the wall with no rhyme or reason. the screw gun wiggles out of his hand from the force and whirs and spins around on the screw at the speed of light. ash couldn’t help but to laugh even when it flew off and went airborne, landing on his warhol bearbrick. he only quit laughing when it made it topple over and the head came off with a big thump and crack. it slid across the hardwood a few feet away.

he stood there for probably a whole minute just staring at what a complete mess he’s made of his apartment living room. there are screws and tools all over his table, the shelf is about to be lopsided on the wall, his favorite bearbrick is broken, and he’s wearing a ridiculous outfit.

he doesn’t realize he’s crying until he feels a hot tear rolls down his cheek. how come he was just laughing, but now he’s sad again?

ash rips off his bandana and storms into his room, falling on his bed. he just wants the day to be over already.

he lets the tears flow freely, and his brain cruelly reminds him of all the other things he could be crying about.

he sobs harder as he unwillingly remembers all his rejections this week. the people who’ve recently walked out of his life, how he will always let them because there’s no point in begging, how the magazine didn’t like his poem, shitty as it may have been. how he couldn’t hang out with raymond and the looming known fact that he thinks they’re better friends than they really are.

ash lays there. letting his thoughts come, and excusing them to leave. his chest, once heaving with the sobs, has now settled as he calms down. the tears made his ears wet and some bits of his hair. it stuck onto his face and he rubbed his eyes, sipping in a tense but needed deep breath.

rationale began to come back with each breath he took. he couldn’t get so caught up in what isn’t working out for him. rather, he should focus on how incredible he actually is. even if it’s hard to see sometimes.

˚ · .

no matter what, always, without fail, an activity that makes ash feel better is yoga. especially guided yoga with a group.

he typically does it alone at home or at the gym, following along with his self appointed instructor charlie follows on youtube. letting her guide the 30 to 60 minute session through his headphones. he finds her voice more calming than any other instructor, but here, in the park where he currently is, he finds that this one is alright too.

she must be in her thirties, ash thinks. her face is covered in freckles and the rest of her seems to be the same. though he can’t tell very well with her being so far away.

he wishes she wore a microphone or something because each of her instructions felt like they were getting to his ears seconds after everyone moved. he was the only man there. in fact, he was the only one with a pink mat as well.

it wasn’t entirely flat on the ground as they were outdoors in a lovely park surrounded by evergreens. a river was nearby and some speedboats would go by obnoxiously, taking him out of his zen at times.

the grass was such a vibrant dark shade of green and it made him happier than he realized. ash appreciates good grass.

“now bring your belly down slowly, lowering into chaturanga, then coming up for cobra.” the instructor says, walking around gingerly on quiet feet to get around to every person in the park participating with her. she comes up by ash and softly tells him good job.

his heart melts. he feels giddy and proud of himself, confident that she sees how good at yoga ash has made himself.

when he first started, it was awful. he couldn’t turn his brain off, his hands always sweat, and he wobbled a lot. fell a lot. laid there a lot.

nowadays he doesn’t feel sweaty. he feels at peace. he found balance and stability with his body and he’s able to do more than he ever thought he could, especially as a 6’2 man.

the other ladies in the park look him, they watch him in warrior one or low lunge, noticing his soft skin and his muscles. his little pigtails he does with his hair. his powder pink lululemon mat and matching waterbottle.

he gets the same reaction from the ladies in his pilates class. but they’ve all since become his friend.

the yoga instructor speaks again as she directs them into savasana. “i’d like you now to think of your intentions for how you’d like to feel in this moment. or feel all throughout this evening.” her voice is calm, lulling ash into a meditative state. the sun has disappeared behind the trees, giving the park a much needed, relaxing coolness.

he thinks of his intention.

he has the intention of feeling.. good. the intention of leaving things just the way they are. not bothering to force things that don’t fit. not worrying about rejections. not caring about anything, at least, in this moment.

he also had the intention to write one last poem.

ash slept good that night, even though the state of his apartment’s living room could be considered a hazard.

ೄྀ࿐ ˊˎ-

this is entirely based off my own weekend. bye, thank you for reading. i’ll be back soon w chap 3.