#instead of avoiding my past
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its surreal to read back on old chat messages by me when i had no real sense of self
#shes a completely different person#i was more emotive in the way of texting to make the other person comfortable#to such an extent it sounds nothing like how i text now which seems more comfortable for me#and id use words like blep and hihihihihi and capitalising certsin words for emphasis effect#like girl who has the time#it could be that ive grown into a colder version but im capable of talking about my emotions in a more direct way now#back then my emotive texting style was the front. i was putting up#to make people Think i was emotive#cant really explain it but its a whole psychoanalytical topic i could write abt#this is part of why i just dont like reading old texts and once i stop being friends w someone i dont visit the chat#i know ill be met w a version of me i no longer agree with#to ppl i guess it can look like im heartless ...#is this sign that im changing....i can be quite harsh tk myself regarding change and always think im the same as i ever was#perhaps my character isnt as stagnant as i think#i often feel shame over feeling like im not progressing at all but maybe i should look back more often#instead of avoiding my past#as my sense of self will solifify more i will keep changing... i might not even be the way i am today in 3 yrs from now
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Stick figure skeletons (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Papyrus#Sans#Cutest little lads#I had a good handful of stick figures of them from my 2015/2016 notebook and it really is a cute style#Y'know funny enough now that I think of it lol - Those doodles were also in December!#(I'm tagging these in December still lol hi from the past)#It's that Undertale time of year <3 Apparently I first found it Dec. 17th 2015 hehe#A little late to the party! But not terribly so ♪ And I had managed to avoid spoilers up to that point lol#I do still have some vague memories of watching it for the first time#I watched a Pacifist run first and cried - of course#And then watched a Genocide run soon after and cried even more#I remember being very confused as to what the Fight timing option even was the first time I saw it lol#Since in Pacifist you can go the entire time without even accidentally using it! You can ACT or ITEM instead#It's interesting to think back on such a huge shift in culture on the broadscale#And also a personal milestone :) Something that tipped the scales!#Something that even now I'm grateful for and think of fondly ♥#And it's all still fun to draw! What more could I ask for haha#I think with this super-simple style in particular I like making their designs complement each other#So Papyrus is all stick lines and Sans has thicker bones#Papyrus' eyes are upright and Sans' are laid flat haha#They both have circle heads to start tho! Papyrus just gets a rectangle grafted on for his jaw lol#They're easy to pose together like this too!#It's fun and silly ♪ Just how I like :D
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blehhh my estrogen levels were like twice what we were aiming for so they gotta lower my dose... I do have a family history of cardiac disorders tho so the hard & I drilled into myself with the imperative to "live a long & truthful life" is doing me good...
anyhow. got my tblockers which is epic. do have 2 wonder why my levels were twice what they were expected to be, considering I was, as prescribed, injecting intramuscularly .25ml of 20mg/ml estradiol once weekly alongside my prog & spiro... I'm very diligent with my medications, including my HRT, so I know without a doubt I was following the prescribed dosage regimen...
#plus i still vape nicotine more than I'd like which had ought to decrease efficacy?#Tho i spose hormone levels in blood ≠ efficacy... have certainly grown a cup size if not more in the past 6 months#yknow. ≠ in a similar way to how CI<CO ≠ weight loss. well. maybe i dont mean that cuz thats a vibes based comparison.#feel like shrooms would b nice to grease the wheels of the survival imperatives i designed last year. plus I think I've like. matured a lot.#i hope i have at least. i think i have at least.#ive got the Epiphanies on lockdown... the spirit is willing and unable#the flesh is unwilling and unable. what to do what to do but what's in front of me.#byebye gonna go do more coursework and grind this grant out so I can successfully avoid shame and do something good onto another#& concretely improve conditions for this nonprofit I volunteered with in highschool...#sorry. have to remind myself to see at least the trees if not the forest instead of always doubting my footing.#that was another very literal Epiphany about why I watch my feet when I walk...#really used to scrambly hikes and not having the coordination I built up#saw a copperhead the other day on a hike... scary...
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not even gonna tag this properly bc i don't wanna get Involved but i do have some Thoughts i need to get out into the void so here we go
(aaa quick edit: CW for mention/discussion of Boothill leaks)
#today's gone Badly and i'm upset but instead of venting abt it i'm gonna channel that energy into doing a bit of tag rambling abt Boothill#well. less abt Him and more abt uh. self-analyzing my anxiety surrounding contributing to fandoms. he's just today's catalyst#like. i know it's mostly a me thing. i'm hypersensitive to criticism and very conflict avoidant + socially anxious + perfectionistic etc.#so I'm the one that keeps myself from posting more stuff out of fear of being criticized or called-out for what i've made#bc inevitably Someone's gonna see it and think its OOC or a problematic take or they'll misread my intent. etc etc what have you#but like. that's inevitable. there's no way to communicate every single thing with all of the nuance required to avoid misunderstandings#and other times it's not a misunderstanding it's just a difference of opinions and that's Fine!! there's no accounting for personal taste#there's no accounting for several things actually. taste‚ bias‚ lore-knowledge‚ differing levels of chronic-online-ness‚ etc#so this isn't me complaining abt the state of fandom culture (although i do think. sometimes. ppl take shit a bit too seriously)#but anyways all of this is mostly just anxiety-fueled. it's not like i very often actually even receive negative feedback or anything#if anything ppl tend to tell me that i'm overthinking it and killing my own fun and worried that my stuff is more OOC than it is#which like. yeah. Yeah u right :) but that's just the way that i am! always losing the idgaf war i suppose#anyways what's Boothill got to do w this ur wondering. well. i've been thinking abt the quickly emerging concept that he's illiterate.#and it just. has me feeling a lot of ways. and watching ppl disagree over it has me feeling some Bad ways. bc it's def a loaded topic!#if you'll pardon the pun there. and i don't rlly have anything new to add other than that i'm conflicted abt it.#like yeah i saw the leaks days ago. of him mentioning 'not hitting the books' much as a child when we ask him why he sends voice messages#or voice Transcriptions ig. ykwim. and like. *braces for impact* ...i liked it? like. it doesn't feel right to call it endearing#i'm not trying to infantilize him. ok that's not the right word either but ugh. you know? what i mean?? who am i kidding even i don't know#it's not quite right to say that it feels like Representation either. but it's something close i guess#as a southern person myself who didn't receive a 'complete' education due to factors that weren't to do with my intelligence#the concept of seeing him as a capable force to be reckoned with and respected who also happens to have not received much formal education#i like that. i do. but there's so many issues w it at the same time. like. as i said‚ being southern myself has me Wary of the way Hoyo is-#writing him. as well as of the way that the fandom is taking the bits of his lore and running away w them. and i'm Very aware of how ppl-#will see a southern character and be All Too Eager to agree that they're lacking intelligence based on our Redneck™ stereotype#sigh. and before we even go too far with this. it's not even confirmed that hes completely illiterate. which is a valid criticism i've seen#there's Multiple reasons that could make him prefer voice to text. but regardless. i'm just worried that ppl will misconstrue my intentions#like. example: that edit i made the other day of him saying 'no thanks i can't read'. wasn't me playing into the stereotype of-#'haha dumb country boy can't read!' it was. in my eyes. something he'd say as a joke to make light of a potential insecurity#like. i think there's far more depth to Boothill's character if ppl could look past the surface. and i dont wanna contribute to the problem#but sometimes ppl Will have stereotypical traits and i wish the same could apply to characters as long as it's done Thoughtfully.
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the little girl at the bus stop just had the most enthusiastic, info-dump-y of rambles about how the bus that's coming is "literally the best bus" bc it's apparently bigger than the others which you "can see from its shape" and how great this bus ride is going to be
#so precious I stg#I adore this child that I don't know so much#and the lil boy listening to her giving her all attention was also very precious#then again I'm in a good mood anyway since I get to leave at 2 pm instead of 3 since I started work at 6 am#which was mostly to let the electrician into the rooms he still needs to check and test#and my boss was very kind and nice in his response to my long message about all the bs at work with my colleague#so I have the go-ahead to refuse to join the meeting on Friday which is great bc that was the biggest worry#colleague lady was still in a shit mood all day and fairly rude when I asked her a question ABOUT THE TASK SHE WAS MEANT TO DO#BUT WASN'T DOING bc she was “busy” as always and being short-tempered with everyone#but oh well. not gonna ask her abt anything anymore unless it can't be avoided. may she stew in her own frustrations#I bought cookies yesterday on my long walk home past the lovely paeonias at the park#so I'm gonna do my best to have good days anyway#the other colleague I had a tiny bit of beef with bc he kept closing tickets prematurely and I had a nice chat#and have come to an agreement on how to avoid this issue from now on bc apparently he's also doing five jobs at once#so fingers crossed that works for us but either way no hard feelings which is nice
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today the phds are going in the time out corner
#one of the phds on our study frankenstein'd together a bunch of the partial data sets i'd sent him over the past few months#and then went 'hey why is there so much missingness in my data set'#except he kept calling the data sets 'databases' so now our pi thinks there's something wrong with the master database and is mad#and this could all have been avoided if he'd gotten fresh data through the systems analyst like he's supposed to instead of#repeatedly modifying an older data set that he already had#or asking the statistician—who does NOT manage the database—for her data every couple months#so now my previously pristine inbox is full of me the systems analyst and the program manager#going 'wtf is he talking about what data is he even using'#and our pi going 'i expect this to be resolved by the time i get back from vacation 😡😡😡'#phds don't get rights today#min says stuff
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7 minutes of a phonecall with my mother is enough for me to start being a bitch lol
#i understand that going by train is a novelty for her but i spend half of my motherfucking life on trains and i feel sick just getting on em#but im '20 not 80' so i have no right to prefer not to spend 5.5 to 7 fucking hours on a train (which will ALWAYS be longer than it says)#when i can split that journey in 2 instead because. AGAIN. ive been getting on longer train rides at least twice a week on average#(sometimes more) for the past 3 years and i KNOW FOR A FACT that i start losing my goddamn mind and getting overstimulated after 3-4 hours#and i KNOW its gonna be a fucking NIGHTMARE for me to go on a completely avoidable 7 hour long ride WITH HER SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME#and its not that we really MUST choose the cheapest option because the difference will be like 20 zł at best#what the fuck is that woman's problem#the fact that she cant understand that 7 hours of sitting motionless in a closed space with Other People is nightmarish for me#and i cant explain it to her because we keep playing this fucked up game where i pretend that im Normal and not Mentally Fucked Up#but i can only keep it going for so long before the symptoms of Not Being As Normal As We Both Hoped Id Be start to show#and i can only mask them for so long too and why is it so hard to split that fucking train ride#and then IM the evil one and a bitch when i tell her 'okay we'll do it your way' cause she Doesnt Deserve That Tone From Me#babygirl you deserve SO much worse from me particularly fuck this this trip is gonna be a nightmare#i want siblings so bad. i just want someone on my fucking team why am i always simultaneously the Stupid the Bad and the Crazy one here
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Yeah thing abt anxiety is you actually literally do have to grab your brain sometimes and go "Are you actually in danger?! Is this problem something we can actually fix now or is it a situation that is out of our control and therefore worrying about it actually does nothing?! Huh?!" And then force yourself to realize what situations your anxiety is ACTUALLY helpful and how to let go in situations where it isnt
Unfortunately this is not a skill that you get with a snap of your fingers, you literally have to TEACH yourself how to do it and it's painful.
Even more unfortunately rational people sitting outside of your anxiety are NOT AWARE that this is a literal skill you were basically born without and just tell you "calm down" without understanding YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOOLS TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT. If someone who was super good at weight lifting told me, a beginner at weights, to just "pick up a 50 pound dumbbell" I'D DIE, because I haven't trained to do that! I quite literally don't have the muscle or knowledge on proper techniques to do that without hurting myself, physically or emotionally!!!
So yes, sometimes you DO have to take the high road and just tell yourself "I do NOT need to worry about this" even though it feels stupid and useless because you still worry, but you also have to forgive yourself and understand you are learning! It won't be easy the first few times, and even when you get more used to self soothing and emotional regulation sometimes it's not linear and it's like your first day of lifting weights all over again!
I just think we as a society do need to understand that anxious disorders are both something we (anxious people) can NOT control without effort and therapy and that we (anxious people) need to realize sometimes we DO have to put in painful, uncomfortable work to manage it! It sucks but thats life, and it can get easier with the right support and whatever treatment looks like for you!
#idk as someone who had undiagnosed GAD for years i could never articulate why people's 'get over it' advice was useless#like i could not articulate I LITERALLY DONT HAVE THE TOOLS TO DO THAT!#but then a point came when i was older when I realized “shit i NEED to learn these tools instead of just saying I cant because of anxiety”#because while peoples advice was usless the idea i had in my head of “ill always be like this and cant change” did me bad#and hey my anxiety is different and other people may meed different support or treatments than i do#but to anyone who is very very scared of fscing this anxiety or feels like right now it DEFINES you#this post is for you. what im saying is yes it is tough work and yes you'll feel crazy#that's valid! don't let other people make you feel like you're failing because “it shouldn't be that hard”#it is hard! but also dont give yo because of that! discomfort is part of growth abd as much as you want to avoid it#i PROMISR when you get past that discomfort you come out more learned. more aware of yourself#you start feeling a little better#and better#and each step is like that#and it helps!#so hey my anxious siblings with debilitating anxiety. i see you. i hear you. i know its tough but I understand and i love you#text#idk posts abt mental health because i feel like we need to be honest and not toxicly positive abt recovering#its not super easy and that's fine we should acknowledge that
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#i am at my fucking limit lol#i need to leave this fucking town and this fucking state the very second i can nail down both a car and a remote job#the fucking ''''affordable'''' housing company i rent from has once again opted to start harassing us#and we're once again gonna have to be in a fucking fight with landlords who think that we're making too much money to live in a $1200 apt#and want us to pay $2000 a month for this rathole we live in despite taxes and deductions literally absorbing a quarter of our earnings#so they want to absorb half of what we have left when ive yet to be able to even afford a car that isn't a fucking beater destined for scrap#at least not without using p much all of my current life savings in the process#so we have to instead get around by buses that refuse to actually show up take us on huge detours for no reason have lead feet that-#-exacerbate my chronic pain and - oh! how could i forget? is also horrifically mismanaged to the point where they're now canceling entire-#-bus routes including the one i take to work and ALSO GOES TO THE AIRPORT lol#and nothing will fucking change about the highway robbery rent hikes bc the entire state legislature is filled with and bought by-#-landlords NIMBYs and property management firms.#that's not even getting into the fact that ive got too many traumatic memories too many enemies and not enough good things to show for it#the only thing I've got in this fucking town is my partner bc not even our home can be considered safe anymore.#i want to take them and the home we dream of and get the fuck out bc i can't keep doing this shit#and i can't even fucking talk to them about this bc they need me to be the strong one for once#im so tired. i feel like im in danger even though i know we'd be able to tank the hit to our finances. but i would like to escape.#i know of a city in ny where our $1200 rent is considered the norm. there's also so much more to do within reach that isn't just. drinking.#i wanna go there. i may have had a desire to live there since our vacation there this past March.#but for now im stuck here dreaming of the future and fighting off desperation and despair in the present#this breakdown brought to you by: the bus purposely avoiding my stop this morning after learning my landlord wants to ruin us again#vent
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trying to pin down color palettes for the Hollowick characters is like
"Well, Lux's whole thing is black, so he must be either a Winter or an Autumn. But I have NO idea what Nox could be."
1 week later
"Oh wait. They're identical twins."
#the legitimate joys of comic-making#costume design IS my passion#Dark Autumn works so well for them because I can put Lux on the True Autumn end and Nox on the Deep Winter end#perfect backgrounds to showcase their respective light and shadow magics#and if I could pick ONE phrase to describe the overall vibe of Hollowick I'm aiming for it would be 'Dark Autumn'#clearly there is an intuition to color season because I won't have to change or adjust a single thing from my initial designs#I even made Nox a platinum blond instead of a honey blond#dodged a major bullet there#though I do need to avoid substituting blue for black as I have in the past when drawing Lux#now to determine Nelly & Ava's#nerdery over#x#Hollowick
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Oughh.. I need to draw a picturrreee
#duck speaks#these past few um. days probably#I've like. sat down with the intent to draw something but I'd need a reference for it#so I get my laptop and open firefox#and then hours pass and I haven't drawn anything and instead am looking at posts...#why is my brain like. avoiding it#I want to draw ! I do !#I have so many ideas and everytime I don't draw I just end up with more of them
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I've been thinking a lot about fear off and on over the last week and. Hmm.
#rambling#I am a super anxious person#I can find a way to be afraid of a lot of things#On top of that there are things that trigger my anxiety and cause me to be Very Afraid; Every Time#ex. Sickness#So I've devoted the past few months to avoiding those triggers whenever possible#and it's just now occuring to me that that.... may not be the healthiest choice?#Instead of avoiding the sources of fear at all costs; maybe I should confront them?#I can't.... Avoid EVERYTHING that scares me#and it's keeping me from doing things I want to do. Or SHOULD do.#and when I am inevitably in a situation where I CANT avoid a trigger it makes me doubly stressed because I can't escape it#I don't know if confronting them would help but I know avoidance isn't going to work forever.
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🍂
#havent been posting a lot on here because things are kind of shitty at home#I won't go into details but being an nd queer nonbinary kid in a desi household is an uphill battle fr#and im sure my parents love me but i don't think they like me very much#and uh. yeah. the ensuing grief isn't thematically consistent with my 'cool fun enthusiastic learner megumi' persona you see on here#and also. ppl irl have kind of stalked me on tumblr before so i don't really feel safe enough venting here either#im just very grateful to have friends who have been listening to me vent for the past many days. things are okay. i hope i feel better soon#i have been following my days of productivity tho! ive just been updating it on my notion instead. ill transfer it here when i feel better#hope you guys have been doing good and taking care <3 lots of love and virtual hugs <3#also to the besties i sent asks to... i saw the replies! i just wanna reply when im in a better headspace!#currently ive just been drowning myself in tv shows and books to avoid my feelings#meg.txt
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#im gonna be so so forreal--#the star wars fandom was always my all time favourite to write in#the sad part is that during bOTH of my more intense/longer periods on the fandom...#i was tangled up each time with a different 'best friend' that ended up being deeply. deeply fucking toxic and possessive toward me#so for the longest time it's been SO HARD to touch those fandoms ya know???#which is why my focus in the past couple of years has been so heavily fandoms that neither were all that involved in bc???#there's less of these toxic and painful memories#but im sobs bc i MISS these things that made me find such joy and love#idk im rambling but long story short#2024 is hopefully the year i stop avoiding things bc of bad memories and work through it instead with the healthier mindset i have now#tbd
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Okay this is driving me insane, does anyone know how to remove/hide links of hosted pictures you put in tumblr posts with the new editor? I used to get away on this blog by using the legacy editor but now it seems gone for good, so you either export from PC/mobile or you use urls and get ugly breaks between each pic... Situation in picture below
#my pics are hosted on discord so I can save a few hours by simply copy pasting each link instead of opening files from my PC one by one#so if I could avoid having to do that to refill the blog...
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#new (ie ancient childhood plague) avoidant attachment pattern unlocked:#i have made a few polite and unobtrusive bids for attention but i see you are otherwise indisposed#no doubt with other very important high priority things that i should not interrupt with my trivial needs#since my attempts at seeking care and connection with you have gone unnoticed or unattended#i will now excuse myself to go self-soothe elsewhere. it's fine don't worry about it i prefer caring for myself anyways it builds character#gfd i do this shit SO OFTEN.#i just assume i'm super low on everyone's priority lists & that it'll be quicker/easier/more reliable to just meet my needs myself#so i'll make a cursory effort at soliciting care/attention from others and if i don't get an immediate warm response#i just assume they don't care or i'm a nuisance and leave#it's fuckig n textbook i skip straight past protest behaviors to full on avoidance#this is like when i told my therapist i don't get panic attacks cause i just dissociate instead#and he was like PLS UNDERSTAND THAT'S WORSE. YOU DO GET HOW THAT'S WORSE RIGHT???#apparently panic is your nervous system warning you BEFORE you reach a dissociative snapping point#and ignoring those panic cues until they go away isn't very healthy!#sometimes my brain lacks middle sliders and it's deeply frustrating.#anyways today was a wash. don't plant the bad ones as tom waits said.#tomorrow i relax and tend my bruised soul and go craft with some friends#recovery tag#shit chat
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