#to ppl i guess it can look like im heartless ...

[babbyspinchh]

its surreal to read back on old chat messages by me when i had no real sense of self

[visionthefox]

sams -Asexuals characters

I know ppl are kinda of mad and saw OldMoon died and the fandom is left with no SxRepulsed representation (totally fair) yet.. I guess not all hope is lost? and ok- hear me out- I know the trope of "heartless villain is heartless cuz is ace" is terrible when DONE BAD-- but.. I feel BloodMoon is or could be the next SexRepulsed Ace ..? hear me out, im re watching the "Breaking Gang Beasts AS THE VILLAINS" in monty's and foxy channel, and I know is all for the haha's but.. isnt BloodMoon had showed to not care for dates, nor make many sexual jokes as literally everyone else? (bet with time Earth will do them too, give her time) Yea Yea they mean- they cruel, but.. I guess if ALL AUS ARE CANON- this means there is a high chance our BM is Ace and SexRepulsed and look !as much as they say they are cruel and evil-- I still feel they could be tammed, or not be a bad representation if anything.. they are so so cool! they are so loved for a reason! they want to be left alone, to do what they were born to do. ah but idk I guess this is a rant after seeying many BM clips.. yet again - we all can have HCs to feel better about it. I myself think Solar is next to be the next SexRepulsed- like, is a 50 - 50 with him.. idk I feel bad for this issue..

[nerves-nebula]

Do you have any loveless/heartless characters? I think they're real neat <3

this post got superrr long lol. im avoiding my homework <3

so this is a complicated ask for me because my definition of "love" is intentionally different from a lot of more mainstream conceptions of it. love isn't a feeling to me, it's something you DO for people you care about, right? you make someone feel loved by doing things that show you care. you putting in that effort and correcting your behavior for their sake is love.

so in that way i don't consider any of my characters loveless. because to me Love is something you chose to do so nobody can really be loveless inherently, they're just choosing not to act loving towards someone.

HOWEVER, from what i've gleamed from a quick google search about loveless aros, it doesn't necessarily seem that being loveless is exclusive to my definition of love?

like, i'm seeing loveless aros talk about not having those kinds of feelings or doubting/opting out of western ideas of love that don't fit them. some talk about not forming that kind of "deep emotional bond" though I'm confused if they mean like.. in general, or just romantically. cuz i've never had a deep romantic bond but i've never really considered that an indictment of Love Itself so much as a type of love that I'm just not a part of.

some people are describing it as specifically romantic love that they know they can't feel. but then again some people are just using it to mean they reject "love" as a label for their emotions/experiences, so like. idk.

it feels like im on the exact same page as a lot of these people it's just that their conclusion was to throw out the word love and mine was to not accept the premise that romantic love is the highest or most important kind of love and focus on, like, other forms of love that are important to me. like my siblings and friends.

soooo i can't say any of them are loveless for sure, cuz i don't identify that way and i'm not sure i grok it yet.

HOWEVER,

I do have aromantic characters, if that's what you mean. though a lot of them are in weird psychosexual situations with each other (just cuz i dont wanna have sex doesnt mean its not fun for my characters to), though there's one or two healthy QPRs thrown in there.

tbh my understanding (or lack thereof) of romance seeps into all of my characters so even the ones who are supposedly in love are doing it with hints of aromanticism cuz like. i dont care what a crush is, yknow? there's only so far romantic tropes can take me before i tap out and just do my own thing.

but as for like canonically aro characters i've got Hondo & quinn, dotty, toasty, Thomas (you guys don't know Thomas yet lol she's a peach), Ezra and Pet (pet is a weird monster tho and Ezra is sort of dead so idk if that counts), Misha Mistaka, Pasiflora, and probably my new one, Benbeck.

I also consider Groe aroace but that's like, a whole thing. cuz Groe is mostly known for having been married to Maureno (one of my characters i explicitly consider allosexual, if not alloromantic) and their relationship takes front and center at every point sfsdf.

because even when i dont see it as romantic i LOVE to make characters lives intertwined and dependent on each other. due to my own personal issues. to be honest i dont think groe and maureno are "in love" i just think they're inextricable dependent on each other. i think their "romance" is an inherently aromantic one because it's not about romantic feelings its about their friendship and trust, which includes kissing and sex sometimes but isn't diminished when they don't do those things.

I don't think Groe feels romantic feelings but i get that two characters who ostensibly have their weird fucked up "romance" be the core thing going on in their life isn't exactly the aromantic rep that ppl are looking for. i mean, it is for ME, but not for everyone.

i guess im just not Good Aro rep tho, cuz im not interested in romance but i AM interested in finding a person who i know I can depend on for everything and share my life with, yknow? i want someone who i know will always be on my side.

and that looks the same to a lot of poeple as romance but the experience of it was way different. cuz i can be with them forever and never want to do more than kiss their forehead as a sign of affection and that'd be great for me, while i KNOW that's unthinkable for a lot of people.

but when writing my characters it's hard to really portray that internal difference. so i think ppl just assume it's romance, and like, that's fine i guess?

so like, groe and maureno fuck cuz it's fun and cuz they have unresolved issues but it's not crucial or even really important to their relationship- to the point that they care WAY more about who each other is hanging out with than who each other is having sex with.

but now i'm rambling about asexuality and stuff.. uhhh the point is YES i have aromantic characters NO I dont know if they're "loveless"

but if a character isn't aromantic or at least aspec that's probably cuz i made a concerted effort to think of them as such.

[kuronokiseki]

Best Misaki Moments (imo)

will do an usage and romantica version next

warning: very long post, lots and lotssss of large images

the moment where misaki became my fave character

misaki found him hawt in a suit ovo

vol 1 misaki is best misaki tbh nakamura what have you done

hahahahahahahaaaaa

nobody badmouths hubby! >:(

the scene that made 13 year old me shook and cry ;-;

BABY CRY ME CRY TOO :”(

misaki when hubby said it’s his first time going for a trip with someone for fun mann can i include the whole train chapter it’s sooo good

misaki’s subconscious hahahaha

OwO

misaki just spent a whole chapter thinking how to reward his hubby and his final decision was this

THEREFORE I SHALL OFFER MAH BODY

you tell him misaki! >:D

many ppl wanted misaki to top for once after this scene but me? POWER BOTTOM MISAKI

U NO TOUCH MAH MAN HES MINE #OAO

notice meeee :”(

usagi-san did nothing wrong I WANT TO STAY WITH HIM! DD:< (i noticed alot of ppl wished misaki would reject ijuuin in this fashion back then)

i love how nakamura ended this arc on a perfect note :”““)

usage: ive known takahiro for 15 years

misaki: AM I A JOKE TO YOU?! >:U

I HATE FUYUHIKO >:”“““(

the reason why misaki chose usage over haru :”“(

y no one loves me like misaki loves hubby :”“““““““(

misaki saved hubby!!! (a rare scene where the anime did it better, but welll hardly the anime did the manga justice)

giving someone chocolate during valentine’s day? yeahhh, totally doesnt mean anything :^)

if someone’s going to say misaki is a bad character im gonna stab them

i realized there is not a single fave moment in the mizuki arc even tho i didnt skip it while rereading (aka the WORST arc and the WORST COUPLE tbh the cousins are soooo annoying EVEN IN THE LATEST ACT 51 and everytime they appeared im having a second-hand embarrassment) finally a fave moment came right after they left nakamura istg if they are going to appear again in the future i hope their plane will crash

(i acknowledge this scene as the beginning of ijuuin arc and nothing have to do with mizuki arc)

annnnnnd misaki will repeat himself for many times regarding who he truly loves but guess who’s going to listen to him in-universe and in fandom

if nobody wants to listen then you say it with your body then b^w^b (it’s not a question abt who misaki loves anymore. it’s abt who’s misaki gonna BANG)

MISAKI’S DOMINATING ...not

(but nakamura pls fulfill misaki’s wish someday poor him)

misaki decided to thank usage by offering his body to the perv bunny

dont you think you can steal hubby away while misaki sleeps

usagi-san is S P E C I A L

:”0

hubby not jealous. misaki triggered D:<<<

MISAKI IS PRECIOUS BABY

when s3 was airing i was looking forward for this scene the most. i was confident that sakurai will deliver this scene perfectly... URGHH STUDIO DEEN I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR DOING MISAKI DIRTY

best kiss scene eva lol i love their banters xD

misaki being sweet

misaki pampering the hubby

misaki in this arc: rejected ijuuin many times, making love with usagi 24/7, fanboyed over ijuuin only for the goodies, made love with usagi, came to ijuuin’s house only bcs of work, and did i mention making love with usagi

some ppl: OMG MISAKI LOVES SENSEI MORE THAN USAGI!!!! D:<

i still remember how legendary this chapter is. too bad the anime failed to convey the feels just like in the manga

say what you want abt junjou but this is top notch writing

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

when ur landlord is brought up and the first thing you do is ask abt a couple struggling to stay together yeaaaahhh totally not suspicious misaki

bish what u say abt mah man hes mine >:(

prepare for me screaming in 3... 2... 1... AAAAAHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

serious from this point 95% of misaki’s pov will consist of him angsting abt getting apart from his hubby in every chapter onward

misaki rejecting ijuuin for the 9749294694214692746829487th time

misaki hugs back :”O

tucking the hubby he cold :”““(

yea, totally not obvious ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

i love how blatantly in love misaki is with usage and everyone can see it. even ijuuin himself noticed

baby doesnt want to lose hubby :”“““( baby is scared

S H O O K

if you dont find this heartwarming you’re heartless

smart way to make him not spend more money ^v^

D”“““““““““““““““: me ded again

misaki being a badass >:D from someone denying his feelings for akihiko in the beginning to straight up telling the parents he’s going to stay with hubby that’s some awesome character growth bravo bravo

that’s some determined shonen mc resolution OvO

aanddd finally...

AND IIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU -

[localmagicalboi]

what sort of things does your muse look for in a partner? what sort of things does your muse AVOID in a partner?

                            ✨ @lastlycoris for SEND A NUMBER TO TAKE A PEEK INTO VI’S WORLD AND VIEWS ABOUT INTIMACY / RELATIONSHIPS! still accepting.

2. what sort of things does your muse look for in a partner?

vi loves men that are just... interesting, powerful. doesn't have to be physically, tho that's a bonus he loves dudes with enough muscles to shatter 40 people at the same damn time. but in terms of presence. like those guys that walk into a room and they either scare the shit out of everyone or just draw attention. he’s drawn to super strong souls. men that respect his autonomy, creativity, and goals. men he can have dialogue with? and men that are mature. he’s not here to fix anyone or pet anyone’s ego. find the strength and do it yourself.

he really doesnt like being obsessed over. that whole ‘ur my whole world, i can’t live without you’ shit makes him sick and he hates it so he enjoys guys that can just be like ‘we help each other become better people and im thankful for that, so im gonna go over here and read while u do ur own thing for a while’ gdfklsjsjklf.

respectful. headstrong in beliefs and viewpoints. willing to do things with him that may be new experiences because why would he date someone that never does anything??? idk he has such a specific type that rarely does anyone meet it. like, the compatibility has to be THERE or he’s out lol.

now for guys vi don’t fuck with........

3. what sort of things does your muse AVOID in a partner?

WHERE TO BEGIN.

the blasé hot man: ‘hot, romantic, and charming’ as the defining traits. oh no, this is the one he side-steps the MOST. the most annoying type of dude. also known as the dreamboat guy. he cannot fucking stand these dudes. men that think their looks and flattery can get them somewhere with him. they won’t. lol. what most people finds attractive, he doesn’t. got some intellect? you lowkey a freak and a weirdo? that’s invited to the party. the whole prince charming schtick don’t work on this one. like yeah whatever ppl think ur attractive and u got some manners and maybe u good in bed. and???? AND????????

the pity party: woe is me, 24/7. a never ending flood of feeling sorry for themselves. nuh uh, lol. it ain’t that kind of party. and virote isn’t here to fix a man’s broken up ego/life singlehandedly. put in the work. show him that you have the power to pull yourself out of whatever. i guess i can slide in the downer here. just a total buzzkill. no humorless buzzkills, he shimmies away from them.

the bore: worst version of the dreamboat. fairly good looking by society’s standards, but never has anything worth while to say. probably couldn’t carry a conversation while standing in line at the bodega beside the fig cookie display. has no personal goals, has nothing going on. no thanks!

the anti: these dudes treat service industry workers like shit, have political views that you’d find on reddit or maybe even no political views at all, and don’t understand how to not be a total asshole to people who really don’t deserve it. vi’s fine with working with men that may be rough around the edges and show promise. that’s fine. but the absolute total heartless gotta go. the only exception vi has made here is the Terminator, but T is a cyborg so…. or.. android? cyborg? did the series ever clarify if the terminator is a cyborg or android?? anyway T doesnt treat people like shit, he just kills those who will try to stop the robot uprising in the future and hes valid for that……. i think. he’s hot so like. that’s also a pass.

the clinger: won’t let him breathe for a minute and crowds him up. has a sense of dependency that would annoy virote to freakin’ death. don’t need to explain much here, since vi makes it a point to voice how much he dislikes men like this. leave him tf alone. he has his life, go get ur own.

the oppressive bigot: do i gotta say anything about this one lol.

[alszila]

"those who are heartless, once cared too much"

Why am I just realized that I’m the one sabotaging my own happiness. I’ve been pushing ppl away for as long as I could remember and last week!? Venus rx made me think and wort rx ever. Cuz I never realized how much I hurt ppl with my passive aggressiveness/ detachment. I did certainly regret a lot of thingsin the past. But it’s no use looking at the past all I need to do now is move on and clear my heart charka . I once scared too much and what I got was heart broken so since that day I told myself never again. Even if I’ll never feel things anymore. I just want to be like a robot with no feelings. Ive learnt it the hard way and I don't think ill ever recovered from that. but this recent Venus rx forced me to dive deep into things that I've buried deep inside; my failed relationships. it made me looked  at this clearly as ever. I'm the main problem I'm the toxic one . I'm the crazy one. I'm the detached one. I think I've finally learn my lesson. I need to follow my intuition and trust it. I've always thought there is sth very wrong with me cuz I'm not able to feel romantic attraction toward ppl. since its what society expects what teenage girls talked about (which is stupid ). Ive been told I'm weird and such.so this made me think maybe I'm just programmed differently. I can count how many times I felt romantically attracted to someone 3!! 3!!! people in my entire life. I've just discovered “aromatic “. Im so happy and reliefed when I came across this info. anyways, my thought are flowing crazy and I know this post won't make any sense or whatsoever(probably no one ever read it ha). when this recent Venus rx in scorpio hits. I can't sleep .When I closed my eyes I saw 2 ppl I hurt deeply and I can't help but distracted myself. I hurt the girl that I deeply connected with cuz at the time I was not ready to out myself as bi and was also not ready to let love in. the other one was a dude that I had a crash on and I knew the feeling was mutual but I ghost out cuz. I can't handle it. the attraction was so strong and my rational mind kept telling me this is a red flag so yeah. I did what sensible adult will do I ghost him out.  and I regretted  it ever since . Idk why but I can't shake things off with him. we never got intimate but idk why me just shake things up for me. idk if thing make sense or not but when I first saw him at school I thought to myself wow this is the guy of my dream. I feel like home with him I do like his energy the sent out very welcoming very warm (which is opposite of me). he reminds me of who I was when life didn't hit me when I was still innocent are care about things so deeply. I guess universe has a way to tell us thing. Probably the reason I can't stop thinking about is that I see myself in him.and the universe wants to be be the person I was when I was young. the person who love life the person who are loving are passionate about life /things. life hits me with curlity and broken hearts. I was  tired and I loose faith so I start to put on this mask for better  or worse lives goes on. like the saying "those who are heartless, once cared too much" . To this day I still remembered how he made me feel even tho how he looked had buried in my mind but not the vibes he made me feel. the rx really is a eye opener and thank you universe for making this clear. it doesn't even matter if I ever gonna meet him again cuz  we never had a future to begin with. for a whileihad this fixation  that he was my twin flame and I stand by it. looking back I  feel so stupid. I don't even meat anything to him and how funny is that he meant  everything to me.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

im honestly so much better than i thought i was. 

like you have no idea whats going on when ur in the war. you dont know who youre shooting at, what the fuck is happening, who you are - you have no idea. and in this war you go through shit that is like unbearable in some ways and you do it and you dont know how and at the end of the day when its all over youre just left with this massive action that formed every thought you now have and you dont know what any of it really meant. 

but like i have beat myself up for time for not being super amazing totally together. like i dont have a job. my work experience is small. my depression is heavy, heavy, heavy. 

but what i needed to see was someone else who has felt this same loss. i needed a comparison to know that i wasnt as fucked up. even though i lived through all the shit i lived through, even though my mother was dead by the time i was 20, even though my dad died 5 years later - i’ve never been on such levels. 

does that mean im heartless? i dont think so. clearly i am very bothered by these deaths and massive losses in my life. its something i think about everyday all day. but i have dealt with serious ptsd for like.. a decade. 

and i never cracked.

and then on top of this i continued to take huge abuse after the intial trauma stopped about my trauma. and i never cracked. 

no. listen. 

i have no idea how i am here today. i have no idea how there is a man downstairs on heroin kicking the walls and thats not me. how is that not me. i have felt such pain. i have felt such sorrow. but never have i been such a person. literally my worst moments the deepest darkest moments last maybe 10 hours. not because im not prone or i dont feel it as strongly. i feel it so strongly. ive felt all the worst feelings. i feel like im 50 years old bro. its not even just like dead ppl. i saw toooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i know tooooooooooooooo much. 

what is it inside of me that has kept me from making this worse for myself. I COULDVE HAD A BABY. do you know how easy it is to do THAT. its easier to make a baby than buy drugs, really. i couldve had like.. multiple babies. like i look at people and im like omg that couldve been me. and not even like.. oh im better than them its like omg if it wasnt for this like one fucking difference between me an them, i would be that. i would be them. i would have children and do meth an like ...

how in the helllllllll did i do this? this man within two months of a death is so distraught by his grief he cannot function as human towards other. yall i didnt even get drunk. i didnt have time to get drunk. i had real life responsibilities towards myself and other people. while living with a total piece of shit who put holes in my wall. okay. my father dies and im living alone now with a man who put holes in my fathers walls. i try to break up like a week before and i cant because my dad is still in the hospital and everything is so crazy because like we know this man is dieing. 

have you ever watched a man die? have you ever WATCHED a man die? have you ever in your life watched a grown ass man choose to die in human excrement in diapers cant stand cant walk - have you ever in your life watched that?

my ex did. twice. and i had to have that man arrested and to this day i feel guilt about having to do that because he had to experience this trauma as well and he had to handle it however he was going to handle it and he couldnt handle it either. 

i imagine its like the same when you watch someone die of cancer in some ways. like not the exact because theres no choice with cancer. but i guess the question why remains. why did cancer have to befall you. why does cancer exist. why does cancer have to kill you. 

depression killed both of my parents and both of my parents lived with it for AT LEAST 40 years (my father probably longer).both of my parents chose not to do hard drugs. my dad was a very light alcoholic if you could call him one at all - he drank sincerely recreationally but it became a crutch to deal with everything else.

and i even get having the most important person you knew die. and do you understand that i know this so well that i even understand that right now you think that no one else “gets” how important this person was to you. how mighty an great they were because when a very important and beloved person to you dies there is so little room for the negative even though it can rear its head. 

my parents shaped everything i am to this day. they are dead and i absolutely live in the exact EXACt same lifestyle i lived in when they were alive. i changed absolutely nothing about myself in my grief. it has only been literally this year where i have been like okay. its time. and with my mother ... i dint. i i kept a giant GIANT wooden piece of shit box for these people as a symbol of respect when sometimes i really hate them sooo much and i am soooooo angry with them. 

sometimes i forget that im about to be 30 because i feel 15. i feel like when i woke up at 15 except now i am living my nightmares. everyday. and i still wake up everyday, i still try and instead of going batshit insane i took the time to truly explore how i felt about these people and the things that happened to me. instead of just crying about it and being sad and oh no hes dead it was like i knew there was a solution. and i think in some ways its true about my inplanted addiction to instant gratification. an i say this because i did it to myself by using the internet and other things (weed) to instantly satisfy boredom and anger an sadness. what i wanted at the time was to instantly solve how i felt. both times. and not like just make it go away but to “overcome” grief. like i would be enlightened by the grief and oh you know - my mother, shes found her peace now. my father, no longer suffering. its all supposed to happen its all alright. 

and i guess i also in this moment dont want to lie to myself - at 19 i was really unenlightened. at 19 i think i acted ... u know, im having a moment. and its not lke a deep one but i think for like.. maybe 8 years or so i kind of disregarded my ex’s feelings at the time. everything i felt overshadowed it and i kind of gloss over how i cheated on him but “didnt cheat” because i “broke up with him before i di anything” even though i 100% cheated on him. like i spoke the words of breaking up to him before i physically involved myself but it was like a plan between me and this fucking dude sooooooooo its really low and this is like so much shame in my life. i hold so much shame an regret over my actions that i just quickly tell this part of the story of my ex but its pretty bad. and then questionably bad things happened afterwards due to both of our immaturity and insecurities. my life was fucked before she died but i cannot fully say i never hurt someone. i cant say that. thats such a lie to myself. in my grief i did in fact hurt someone else. i disregarded another person and like its soooooooooooooooo hard for me to give any leverage to my mother. like she never made me feel or do anything fuck her. but my main abuser in life died. a person i saw like.. everyday of my life until i was 16. she was soooo important to everything i am today and to be really fair - i’m probably still fucked up because i absolutely refuse to deal with what she did. like i dont want to relive it any more than i already do even though you have to through it to overcome it. 

i smoke weed uner the influence of my father and i think i smoke weed for the same reason he drank - my mother is the reason i smoke weed. for the most part. like im really haunted by my father sometimes but i became so accustomed to this weird life with him that i mostly have like a culture shock where i realize other people didnt do this and then i get over it. sometimes i think about what he looked like when he slept and how it looked like he was dead. sometimes i picture the foot rotting off his body. recently ive pictured the blackheads on his back. they were really bad but not in like im traumatized way - my mother picked at his blackheads and i started doing it an its just a weird gross probably semi normal thing so like even though i have these images sometimes of my fathers illness what i am most haunted by is the words my mother put into my brain. i was brainwashed. i feel brainwashed. and sometimes i repeat scenarios she did. sometimes i do things she did and not like a nostalgic oh i have my mothers traits but like sometimes i lie. sometimes i tell lies. sometimes i have told lies to be able to get someones attention or pity. like not often at all. not even a handful of times in my life have i done this. very spread out. its not common. and its so shameful but i saw my mother do it and she did it pretty well and people would feel sorry for her and give her attention and it wasnt good or deserved in anyway but it worked.

sometimes. sometimes i have exaggerated illnesses. sometimes i have downplayed symptoms i am having. and i do this i think because i was trained to do this. my mother told me i was sick, she told me the symptoms and it was all repeated from there. i have been extremely lucky to have like no major medical issues since i was a child. i have never had to deal with anything happening because im actually pretty physically healthy outside of the toll depression takes on my body. i coud of course quit smoking but i dont have lung issues. i was told i had asthma for 13 years. we had to move. we had to fucking move bro because i had “asthma” and i had to take the inhalers and of course man of course it wasnt ust inhalers it was the fucking plastic tube that somehow made it better you held between the inahler and your mouth. 

to bare it all - i dont even know if im allergic to pine. my mother said i was allergic to pine so no more real christmas trees but what if this bitch was doing it to me. ive never had like extensive exposure to these trees since then. who the fuck knows.

why is it - okay. when i go to the hospital they ask me allergies and i repeat verbatim the same thing my mother said to every doctor i ever met, “sulpha, pencillion, amoxicillin and codiene” 

tell me why as a child i frequently had penicillin and at no point in my memory was there like some reaction upon taking this. and everyone remembers it. we all know the banana flavoured medience. and i remember taking it so many times an then suddenly i didnt  and suddenly it was apart of this list and like maybe i developed an allergy but what if she just decided? how did she find out i was allergic to these other things? i am REPEATING A MANTRA by a woman who nearly killed me using prescription drugs. 

i make alot of excuses. im probably lazy more than depressed because if i was sooo scared i could get tested for my allergies and know for myself. 

do you know how upsetting my birth certificate was? and it wasnt even my mothers fault, it was more my fathers fault. but all these little dumb things and its not like ths is crazy never heard of its small things that other people experience too but they hold so much weight like can someone tell me why my mother stopped spelling her name right? like shortly after my birth she no longer spelt it theresa and spelled it teresa. and i had such a moment at her funeral when i saw her name spelled right and asked why it was wrong. that she had spelled it without an h. her parents were like .. confused and appalled that i suggested she had done this an like of course her name was with an h. and fair enough guys. you are the people who named her. which means it was in my lifetime that it changed. and on legal documents even though she maintained her first real name (mary) she spelled it teresa. but these old documents and the way my father spelled it was theresa. whats in an H? like maybe im crazy right. maybe im just making a big deal out of something small but usually when something lke this occurs its because ssomeone else made the mistake and usually youre a foreigner. like someone wrote your name on an official document wrong and now thats just it. but this woman .. she went to private school like she had to have had official document before 1990. this woman made a concious choice to drop the H in her name. why? was it a choice? did she just like slip up one time and went with it for 19 years after? like did she fuck it up so majorly in some public way that she had to convince other people this is how she spelled her name.

and like its been a really long time. and i dont have a lot of these documents anymore. to be fair, i have like 7 remaining objects of my mothers. i dont even know if i have documents with her writing outside of a wedding guest book from 1980. so sometimes - sometimes she wins. sometimes i think that maybe im wrong. maybe i just think she stopped doing it but like why would i notice this? why would i think about it so much? 

sometimes i try to think really hard about her but i did such a job at blocking her out and smoking away these memories i literally cant remember more than like 10 - 20 memories of her. i spent half of my life with her. closely. and like.. i remember when i was in like grade 3 - 5 because i was walking to a certain school and i remember this is like.. no you know what. i have atleast 5 seperate memories of this and thsi in itself says something - faking sick. i faked sick religiously. and like i knew this bitch would buy it because at this point im a clever angry bitter child with no true subconcious yet. im like i know my mother will buy into sickness - thats who she is- and i wont have to go to school.

so i start the day before at bed. im coughing. im coughing really hard because of my asthma right but im not sick at all im good but im forcing these dog coughs at 2am and she wakes up and its like oh well i guess youre sick and im doing this so often i have a memory of her frustration like she almost almost knew but this was her job and now im playing games. and its like man you trained me to do this but your power was taken and now im using your training against you and all you really wanted was a sick kid. so im giving you all you wanted and none of it is real. and like im aware of this complexity at this point. even really early my father is now pissed at her and they dont trust each other. and theyre fighting about me and shes saying look at this and hes saying this is what you did. this was what my mother did to me. he knew that like i was turning cold because she was cold towards me and he knew it and he was telling her youre doing this to her stop doing this to her and she didnt so it just kept going.

in grade 10 i faked a heart problem. i freely admit this because i feel like its “okay” because it coincides with dropping out of school. but now im desperate. like im so desperate in this depression and my first year was her trying to kill herself and getting kicked out of the house and im like omg i cant do this anymore im not going to school something is going to give even though school is  a relief from home, i was starting to have all these expectations at school academically and socially and i couldnt keep up and something had to give and i couldnt get rid of my parents so i was done.

my father wanted me to “get a job” but it was like... you know. someday youre going to have to get a job. and in my own volition, once my mother had left for a year, i got a job. i was semi comfortable. on my first day of this important job my father became gravelly ill and spent like .. a month in the hospital. and im still going to work. im like 17 years old, everything has gone to shit and im still going to work. and im on the bus everyday crying to my friend that its all so fucking awful and i just want to like party and get high. 

so i started. and i spent all of my earnings on partying and getting high on mdma and k and weed. in one summer. it was like 3 grand or something which is alot of money for me in any time of my life thus far. thats the only time i ever earned a significant amount of money. 

but then i stopped. because within me i knew especially the hard drugs were beginning to do their damage to my body and i was drinking too much and i did carry it on for like a year before my ex put his foot down and i decided i didnt want to be a person in a relationship on drugs like that. we smoked weed and it was fine. 

and like on paper seperately - bratty attitude filled choices. i lied and faked an illness to get out of school, partied while my father was ill. and like i knew this. and in my early 20s i frequently reflected on these choices and actively knew i had to choose other things. was it fun? yes. was i with close loving friends? yes. was i safe? yes. was it the right thing to do? no. and i feel like if i dint make that choice back then i couldve set myself on a better path. but i gave up. i gave up and i give in for this moment and i never fully recovered, i just choose to smoke a shit ton of weed instead. i couldve learned real coping skills but i chose not to and now im almost 30 and i suck, utterly suck, at life. but it could be worse and i could be him. 

we finally spoke - no he answered the call and spoke whatever he wanted to to me still. that he couldnt deal with this and blah blah but its funny i guess as i told a friend i had said my last word were that i was not going to speak to him again. she said he mustve replied because that usually gets him. and its sad i have to resort to feeling like im not going to speak to him again to get any response. and im not being crazy and needy or whatever like you signed up to take care of someone who has major trauma surrounding this issue and you knew this. like in june im crying about how this was my parents fault. i have a whole process i have to go through over the course of my life because like i cant decide randomly one day to face this fear and anxiety. this type of issue has to come up as it will and it may not be a good time for me or anyone else but i now have to face and overcome this issue that is not just a medical problem but DIRECTLY related to my parents neglect. like every time a doctor asks how this happened how many times why has this happened this way i have to explain just the bare bones of how my parents how TWO GROWN PEOPLE thought this was okay TOGETHER and let it go. leaking blood and pus. this is like ... what this cyst has caused me in emotion and mental damage is sooo much morre than the cyst itself. the cyst is simple. knowing the neglect of it caused it to come to such a point that it has to be surgically deal with is painful. how did they fuck this up for me? and its like i couldnt just get surgery at 18. at 18 i didnt have a flare up. i have to wait for the flare up to deal and im like just dealing with it as it comes you know because its normal and i guess every few years i have to get this thing lanced thas just who i am now? i guess? but could be worse. could be wayyyy worse. like it coul be on my face, first of all. it could be like in my labia and i would have ppl touching my labia and doing things. it cou be on my actual butthole. it could reoccur every week. every month. 

eventually i got a few moments to speak a full thought and i told him it was extremely important to me to have someone capable of dealing with the worst of my anxieties and traumas before during and after this incredibly important moment i am about to face and optimistically overcome. i just know i will be very not okay about it. i know this, i did this by myself its not even like im playing it up for others like im by myself in public sobbing soo hard they cannot take proper vitals. thats how much this is for me. i will not have someone be neglectful or judgemental or take away my right to feel the way i have to feel in order to break through this. like im not taking away anything from anyone else, i’m just laying out what is require and if you can do that, then fine, but if you cant then no im not going through with this.

he made a weak argument and i explained that the last time i had to deal with major medical hospital things was my mother. so i am not okay with this and i am freaking out and this instability hes displaying completely on his own makes me question what im doing. and he continued to rattle off these excuses and started into “you want to talk about traumas, what about ...” and i just turned the phone away and waited until he was finished because you cannot tell me that im not allowed to feel any sort of ways about anything or talk about my mental illness or the things ive gone through and immediately launch into your own. there is give and take and youve already taken everything im willing to give now. he says i have to give him a straight answer because he needs stability and to figure out what hes going to do. 

.......

to live with this, i have every right to feel depressed and uncomfortable and unhappy. 

i need to begin the process of mentally letting him go. i want to feel free to talk to random people and open myself up to random people and experiences and i dont want to even think about anything with him. like honestly, there is no future with him or associated with him. he cant fix some of these things, its not going to happen. and im going to allow him and give him opportunities in the future to still be shitty to me. and future me needs to understand that this is just proof for why i have to let it go. 

and like im frustrated - in my perfect world ive abandoned this dream because ive found something better an more fulfilling to me. its so hard to abandon something without anything else. and like i get really aggravated when im in my i dont know what the fuck to do moments. and eventually i find something - anything - and i really try to put myself into it. like that becomes my new job because im trying out all these roles in life and maybe this one leads to something. like i enjoyed jewelry, a lot. but ike i wanted something bigger and grander and to be apart of something and like i guess build on the jewelry. like i went from collecting bones in a forest by myself to showing in an art gallery and going to receptions and making new friends - i like the beginning of my art career story. its glamorous and hopeful. 

and then i thought like i could be more than an artist. i could have a gallery or a studio, i could curate shows, do events - i could contribute to the arts and culture in the city and possibly resolve or find resolution for some of these issues. and i learned like.. a lot about art. i basically forced a semester of art history and basic art techniques down my throat and practiced daily. i wanted to feel knowledgable and professional and like prepared to take on the 1%

and i just lost that. like i built that for myself, by the way. thats not off the back of a man or relationship. amongst all my shit, i created a very minor artistic career. and i was / am well respected for my dedication and quality and like ... i really received a lot of praise. i got very little known hatred towards me. my shit was good enough it sort of overtook an ex friends venture an made her jealous. i was the first person in the city hands down to create a website dedicated to arts in the city. like maybe in 10 years there will be 50 more but i was the first. i was the one who knew how to do it. i left just a tiny make with my minor career. that i built. by myself. in the 5 years before and after my dads death. 

but its not that like i dont “want” to do that anymore. i think i do? but the city is not about it. the numbers to bring people out are small. the money is non existant. the quality of talent is not great. i think if i had entered a more viable scene i couldve graduated from what i was doing but as it stands its just not going to happen. and making money from art is really hard and no one respects a person who just paints unless theyre like the most amazing artist and i guess really i have nothing i want to say anymore. ive tried to express alot of things through art and things are left unfinished. im just ... not an artist like that. 

but im not even like mad at myself for it - 20s are your time to find yourself. im not an artist. and maybe i wont be a wildwoman land developer either. i know that if i could decide on something, if i could find something i actually cared about that i could achieve it. it would literally me be just saying 100% doing this and it being done soon after. no games. no waiting around. if i really wanted it i would invest everything i have into it. i know that. 

[carasusanne]

I can’t believe my mother in law is out of her mind!

I just can’t let this one go. Every year for 15 years I have asked my parents who are in NC to please come down to FL (where I live) for my birthday. They always tell me no. I get really sad bc I have no family here besides my 3 yr old son. So, I guess my mother in law tried to do something nice. She got me a cake and gave my partner a gift card for a restaurant. As always my partner did not make dinner. He had his friends at the house and did not feel like going. I guess he blamed it on me. He was also late for my surprise party my in laws tried to throw. I knew we were having cake so I finally got him in the shower. We did not get to my in laws house til 9pm. They were mad, I tried to tell them that it was not my fault and I am sorry. But they did not believe me. Also my partner had been very mean to me the last few days so I was sad. Actually I have been depressed for awhile. My partner calls me a lot of nasty names, picks fights, calls me names in front of our 3 year old. I do not even know why, but he blames me for everything. He starts yelling at me just out of no where. When so much more could be resolved by asking a question or just having a small talk. I always just beg him to please stop. I have a few health issues and the stress of fighting just tears me up inside and makes me sicker. I stopped fighting back a long time ago. I basiclly just gave up. I can’t win when I’m up agaist a bunch of immature, uneducated, white trash people. I know I had a baby with him but

that was not on purpose. I adore my beautiful son and love him, I do not want him to come from a broken home. Anyways his mom just yells at me thru the whole b day party, I said please, can we not talk about this now? I’ve had a rough week. ( I found two lumps in my right breast) My partner tried to kick me out and keep my son. To put all this on someone who is severely depressed is not nice at all. All I could do was cry. I ran out to my truck and just waited for it to be over. Finally my son came out and was ready to go. After we got home I passed out. I had that feeling of being alone and empty. His mother texted me but I was so tired and passed out. I did not see the text. So 9am on my birthday she text yelled at me and texted me stupid things during the day. Omg, she is in her 60’s! Oh and my partner never even defended me the whole time. I am so hurt plus more depressed. If that is possible? That was my birthday party? And she got mad because I kept going in other rooms just to get away, while she was saying..look she does not want to talk about it? No shit! And then to continue on till the next day was just plain immature and heartless. Come on lady, you ruined my party and now you are trying to ruin my birthday. She even text yelled at me in all CAPS! No happy birthday, no lets stop fighting. I even texted her back once to say I was sorry about what happened. OMG, I did not know ppl like this even existed. I was raised in a nice area with proper parents and manners. This is not the first time she has got nasty with me. One time I was upset and half crying so she said “cry little baby cry” “waaaaah”. I was like wtf? Im sure she is a horrible friend. She only hangs out with 1 or 2 of her 4 sisters. She is suing the others. Classy right? Anyways geee..leave me alone on my b day and stop texting me mean things. Get a life and act your age for once. Some ppl have no class and no clue!

[survivorindia]

Playing with Jordan Pines is like playing with knives- Sarah (Episode 5)

I'm sorry Bernel had to leave like that and I really hope everything's okay with him, but in a way, it may very well be a secret savior. Not enough talking was done up until that point so I have no idea who would've left - Robin assured me she didn't want Lexi or I gone and that OG whatever the hell our tribe name was should stick together, and Julia/Alex and I were on call for the challenge and agreed we didn't want any of us to go since we're arguably the most active and we certainly helped the most with the movie, but even then... I can't say my social game is top notch. I'm simply not built to be a social player, I lack all the skills necessary. But luckily some people on here ain't active enough that I can cover up my own discrepancies with their lack of appearance. There's other fish to fry yet, and hopefully I can live to see the jury...

W'elp, the lacklusterishness has come back to bite me. I've gotta approach everyone I talk to, and the two people I don't approach constantly throw my name out. The tribe's turning like eggs on a hot summer day. That's no bueno, no bueno at all...

Luckily, Alex and Julia are hopefully going to help me 'ere. They're attempting to convince them to split the votes on probs Jaiden and I, and then we strike. We can flip this - failure's not an option, because failure means my head on the guillotine. No second chances.

Jaiden's down for rocks, it seems, if it comes down to it. Robin's promised to not vote me. So I think I should be able to live here... I hope so... I'm too young to die.

I do think enough people will vote dom out, and than again I don't because the plan is highkey messy. Like there is literally a 4/4 split in our tribe as of now. It's me, alex, jaiden, and Johnny on the best side, and the other is the losers. But if we lie to them correctly we can get them to split their votes and than we vote the majoirty with hope the vote turns out as 4-2-2

I'm absolutely freaking out right about now. This vote is terrifiying me and I don't want to leave. Like I don't know what is going to happen like this is all going to be so insane. I'm playing with people who could, or could not be messy as hell. Like I need some sort of security, and when I don't feel grounded I get worried. And that is all because I'm a Taurus which is down to Earth, and I dont feel comfortable when I don't feel like I'm in a secure situation, or know what will happen. And right now I CANNOT let my nerves get the best of me, I won't let it happen. I just want to be able to say I made TS Jury, and even more my next goal if I made the jury would to be to take it to the end of this game with Sarah. Because that would be the best situation to be put in because I would feel like I did something good and memorable in this game. And I just don't want to keep having my chances jeopardized. Like I never thought this game was going to be THAT HARD. Like I was booted very early in Bangladesh and I cannot LET that happen again. I just want to do good. And I have no idea if I can trust going to rocks, I will be so terrifiyed of being eliminated, and that would suck. I just don't know what to do im at my mental point where Jazmine is about to come out and we all know that does not need to happen at all.

: I'm legit so sick of this tribe what the hell. So we lost the first challenge which would have been a super easy challenge to win if people actually participated and were more hands on, than we loose this and it could have been executed better by other tribe members if they did the challenge more diligently. And my score of 7 is an overall average score so that shows that I still want to be here. Unlike these lazy idiots who jeopardize my game every three days because their lazy asses can't put forth 30 mins of their time tops to actually try in a challenge. This is tumblr survivor bitches, so maybe you should get your shit together instead of me having to suffer because most of you are lazy messes. And that goes to dom, jaiden, Robin, and Lexi. Fuck you guys right now I'm so mad. 

So we won the challenge which is nice. I think I am in a decent spot on this tribe tbh due to us having an innactive player and me being pretty decently connected to people. I'm sort of in a few alliances though we don't really have any chats, like I'm in an alliance with Sarah and Julia and I'm in a returnee alliance on our tribe of Me, Sarah, Kendall, Gavin and Ashley. I like to think I am going to be in a decent spot going forward. We haven't had to go to tribal on this tribe but Whitney sort of disappeared so I am sure if we lose she would be the one to go 100%. I think things are good right now.

I guess we are going to rocks tonight. I don't know what to say. Sorry Dom but you won't speak to me about this. I told you. I hope I get rocked out tonight. For once, I didn't want to make a big move. If Dom plays his idol and exposes my betrayal, then at least I can say that I knew this was coming.

http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/mreidjr/78051217/7913/7913_900.gif So I just went on call with Dom. And you know what he told me? He said that Sarah and Julia have told him everything I said about him. From how I felt like he was too much, how I didn't like him at all, how I wanted to use him to get further in the game. All that shit. That's why I voted for him, according to them. It's real funny because for a while, I did believe those things to be true. Sarah was the first person I talked to about all that. I thought she was my friend, I really did. But I see why she's on the villains tribe, because she's a heartless, cold-blooded viper. The entire Dom vote came as a result of her and Julia wanting him gone. Certainly, I didn't help with them coming to that decision, but it's become evident to me that this is the person everyone parades around and claims to be best friends with. We talk about that Bangladesh final tribal where Sarah cries over how Eddie betrayed her so badly, but then here she is, acting like a complete hypocrite. She can say that these two situations are not the same, which they are not, but the knife she plunged into my back burns the same. I can't say that I didn't see this coming. I fucked up, so it makes sense why everything spilled out in front of me on the dirt floor. Now I have to work on making people like me again, because I don't think they'll trust me for a while. We can say that I have a long road ahead before I can regain their trust, but the truth is that I have a much steeper path to the finish than before. They might not ever trust me, so I need to give them a reason to understand me. I don't know how, but I'll try. I'll take the knife that was firmly planted in my back and return it to its rightful owner one day. I did these things for her, and while she was always on my hit list, no matter that she was low, I think she's found her way to the top. Karma is a bitch, and so is she. Maybe I won't win this fight, but I think I'll die trying, and I'm at peace with that.

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻ @ Johnny potentially going home. If he doesn't, well...┬──┬ ノ( ゜-゜ノ)

Ok so more happened after that video, so i went on call with julia and we talked about how she thinks jaiden doesnt want to work with her and wants to lowkey work with dom but then jaiden called me, and SPILLED TEA THAT DOM HAS THE IDOL ...SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER And he still wants dom out so i lowkey forced jaiden on julia, alex and johnny and thats half their tribe..So then they need one more person. But they came up with amazing idea to scare the other side...dom,ruben,lexi and robin that johnny has the idol bc all those 4 ppl want to vote him out...SO IF THOSE 4 SPLIT THE VOTE BC THEYRE SCARED OF AN IDOL THEN THEY WOULD BE MAJORITY AND HONESTLY IM HERE FOR IT. I WANT DOM GONE AND I WANT TO WORK WITHJOHNNY, JULIA, JAIDEN AND ALEX IN MERGE OR COME SWAP SO BAD !!! im so nervous for them but excited at the same time :~) also julia and i came up with a name for just us and u can now call us Salia ....ISNT THAT CUTE FUCKCKODKSJF

So as far as my tribe goes: From what I know, Jordan has the idol. In addition to that, Dom also has the idol. I have supposed to not tell anyone about what Jordan tells me. Everything I know goes straight to Alex or to Ashley to ensure that those bonds stay solid. As of now, I've been trying to keep relations open with everyone on my tribe, especially Liam because keeping Liam safe premerge shows Johnny post merge that I'm trustworthy. So what I've told Liam is that Jordan and a few others have the idea of a returnees alliance and that he might be on the chopping block, though I reassured him that is not the reality of the matter. If he seems to be going home, I am open to flipping against the returnees. So that's where I stand right now, I have my Ashley relationship which branches out to Casey. I have my Liam relationship which branches out to Johnny. I have my Jordan Pines relationship which branches out to Sarah and Dom. So all in all, I feel safe on my tribe. And I believe that Whitney will be the first to go if we head to tribal.

Other Tribe Thoughts: So my main ally in this game is Alex, I trust him more than anybody else. What I need to be weary of is that he has a great social game which may prove to be an issue for my game further down the line. In the short term, I still want to work in his best interest which tend to align with my best interest. Because of that, I've continued to talk to him, despite being on different tribes. I told Alex as soon as I found out about Dom's idol. He's now looking closely at who Dom is aligned with as we move closely towards this tribal. The issue is is that Dom seems to be close with Jaiden and Ruben. With Ruben dating Lexi, and that right there is 4 people. So it doesn't look like Dom will go home unless Alex can pull a fast one on Dom. I plan to now get on a call with Alex, to find out what is going on presently in the Parvati tribe, but Dom going home is the best case scenario for me for the following reasons Dom is close with Jordan Dom is close with Jaiden Jaiden and Jordan have one less ally, and one more friend in me to depend on and that helps me from a social standpoint. Furthermore, any blood falls on Alex's hands and not minds since he will be exectuing the final action. lastly we get rid of an idol. that could hurt me down the line.

Alex is going for the jugular this round. I hope Johnny stays... hasta la vista Dom ;) Also, PINES, you're a scary player. Please implode sooner rather than later ^__^

LITERALLY I'M ON TRIBAL CALL RIGHT NOW. I FEEL LIKE I'M ABOUT TO BE VOTED OUT. DOM TOLD ME HE DIDNT KNOW ABOUT THE VOTE, RUBEN TOLD ME HE TOLD DOM ABOUT THE VOTE. REGAN SAID SHE ALREADY HAD THE VOTES WHICH MEANS DOM IS A LIAR AND SO IS RUBEN IF I'M OUT I WILL COMMIT

So real life has gotten in the way and I’m a ball of depression so I have no idea where I left off. Therefore, I will recap the first two tribals in this confessional. Aidan left after voting me which was not surprising since he was acting suspicious and I heard Monte was planning on keeping him and ridding the tribe of me after that. I had thrown him a lifeline by telling him the group wanted him out and I would vote with him so if he had just brought himself, Monte and I together that would be a tie at least and I believe I could have possibly gotten Ruben to vote with me. Alas, he did not do that and lied to me while getting voted out unanimously. Steven was rocked out on the other newbie tribe which was crazy for a first tribal? No idea whatsoever of what’s happening over there so let’s move on. If I keep showing up for challenges then I believe that I could make it through a little while longer until a swap where I can hope they target bigger threats and I can hide. Still no luck on finding that idol; the grid is huge but someone could possibly have it already?

Monte left unanimously which was a relief and from the other villains tribe, Ace got the boot which I have no opinion on since it was unanimous and I have no clue as to who he is. Here I am, slaving away, trying to make sure our tribe does not go to tribal by doing the challenge all by myself. I have enough votes for a tie so why do I care at all if Casey does not care to stay, we shall never know. Well I do know, but that takes away from my needed dramatic statement. I just don’t care to lose my mind once more at a tribal. The challenge came down to who submitted quickly and I submitted at the perfect time and won us the challenge. The returnee villains were fuming but if they had an issue with the way it was going to be submitted then they had more than enough time to voice their concerns which they did not until they had lost. I can finally relax for once and just watch as others get taken out.

Nicole got the boot which is a bit unfortunate as I believe I could have worked with her as we are in another game together. Although, she never responds to any messages at times as I found out from that other game which makes me uneasy when I am trying to decipher if she is with me or against me. She came off as a brat to the other returnee villains is what I was told but I did not pay close enough attention to that situation to have an opinion. ~~~Swap time~~~ We have 4 newbies against 5 returnees and 4 villains against 5 heroes so as you can probably do the math, I, Lexi, am in minority, no matter which way you spin it. Jordan came up to me quickly and proposed that the villains stick together and I am all "HELL YEAH! That idea rocks!" but on the inside, I'm more of a "well dude, I would practically align with Satan himself at this point to keep myself safe".

t’s me Lexi hi, just dropping by to say I can feel myself losing my sanity day by day. I still hate most of these people which I cannot place my finger on as to why? A large possibility due to myself hating life right now I suppose. They are a-okay folks; I just needed a dramatic statement to start this off since it's been relatively boring on our tribe. Some speak, some don't, some are playing quite hard... by some I only mean Jordan on that last one. I'll keep him close as I can to push in front of me as a nice shield for later on, but it is hard to trust the guy as I believe him to be close with a number of other people. I love this challenge we had, it's cute and doesn't consume too much time. We won and I will most likely not be in an alliance chat still so here's to hoping for another swap or an early merge. I want to blow up and do something fun but is it too early? Stay tuned

alright so my schedule's getting cleared up. i've got more time and been talking to the few people I hadn't gotten a chance to talk to. it looks like lexi and ruben aren't targets for this tribal. i'm surprised honestly because back in nayak they felt very threatened by their relationships. it makes me feel a little skeptical that there might be some major scheming going on that im not aware of. but i feel fairly confident that i'll be safe as well as lexi and ruben. i've talked to everyone on the tribe and no one has brought them up. the vote is supposed to be split with johnny and jaiden but since johnny has openly targeted and gone to rocks to get rid of lexi, we've decided it's better for johnny to leave. we might upset a few people but at that point we'll be down to 7. lexi, ruben, and i trust each other a lot so i don't see any of us targeting each other. i think either ruben or dom could be with us so im not too worried about any effects this tribal will have.    

Ok so i stopped guessing for the idol because Dom told Ruben he already has it so thats fine. Dom,Johnny,Alex dont talk to me so yikes but dom is close to ruben so i dont really care all that much. Alex came to ruben and said he wants boys to vote jaiden and girl to vote johnny. Which im voting johnny either way but so is ruben and dom so we should be sending johnny out the door which obviously i would love since he didnt have the balls to talk to me after all that rocks shit went down. Alex hasnt even talked to me about the plan so like ok? I dont trust him, he keeps telling ruben WE HAVE TO SPLIT but like youre probably just trying to save johnnys ass and send jaiden home. I mean who knows what Julia,Johnny and Alex are trying to plan. All i know is im voting johnny and so should robin,ruben,dom, and jaiden. Julia says she is but like who knows. Its just weird to me that johnny isnt trying to scramble to anyone.

[localmagicalboi]

2, 3?

                           ✨ anonymous for SEND A NUMBER TO TAKE A PEEK INTO VI’S WORLD AND VIEWS ABOUT INTIMACY / RELATIONSHIPS! still accepting.

2. what sort of things does your muse look for in a partner?

vi loves men that are just… interesting, powerful. doesn’t have to be physically, tho that’s a bonus he loves dudes with enough muscles to shatter 40 people at the same damn time. but in terms of presence. like those guys that walk into a room and they either scare the shit out of everyone or just draw attention. he’s drawn to super strong souls. men that respect his autonomy, creativity, and goals. men he can have dialogue with? and men that are mature. he’s not here to fix anyone or pet anyone’s ego. find the strength and do it yourself.

he really doesnt like being obsessed over. that whole ‘ur my whole world, i can’t live without you’ shit makes him sick and he hates it so he enjoys guys that can just be like ‘we help each other become better people and im thankful for that, so im gonna go over here and read while u do ur own thing for a while’ gdfklsjsjklf.

respectful. headstrong in beliefs and viewpoints. willing to do things with him that may be new experiences because why would he date someone that never does anything??? idk he has such a specific type that rarely does anyone meet it. there’s exceptions but like, the compatibility has to be THERE or he’s out lol. he just really dreads the concept of being stuck with a boring man i think that would kill him.

i just wanna say he finds shrek legitimately attractive.

now for guys vi don’t fuck with……..

3. what sort of things does your muse AVOID in a partner?

where to begin.

the blasé hot man: ‘hot, romantic, and charming’ as the defining traits. oh no, this is the one he side-steps the MOST. the most annoying type of dude. also known as the dreamboat guy. he cannot fucking stand these dudes. men that think their looks and flattery can get them somewhere with him. they won’t. lol. what most people finds attractive, he doesn’t. got some intellect? you lowkey a freak and a weirdo? that’s invited to the party. the whole prince charming schtick don’t work on this one. like yeah whatever ppl think ur attractive and u got some manners and maybe u good in bed. and???? AND????????

the pity party: woe is me, 24/7. a never ending flood of feeling sorry for themselves. nuh uh, lol. it ain’t that kind of party. and virote isn’t here to fix a man’s broken up ego/life singlehandedly. put in the work. show him that you have the power to pull yourself out of whatever. i guess i can slide in the downer here. just a total buzzkill. no humorless buzzkills, he shimmies away from them.

the bore: worst version of the dreamboat. fairly good looking by society’s standards, but never has anything worth while to say. probably couldn’t carry a conversation while standing in line at the bodega beside the fig cookie display. has no personal goals, has nothing going on. no thanks!

the anti: these dudes treat service industry workers like shit, have political views that you’d find on reddit or maybe even no political views at all, and don’t understand how to not be a total asshole to people who really don’t deserve it. vi’s fine with working with men that may be rough around the edges and show promise. that’s fine. but the absolute total heartless gotta go. the only exception vi has made here is the Terminator, but T is a cyborg so…. or.. android? cyborg? did the series ever clarify if the terminator is a cyborg or android?? anyway T doesnt treat people like shit, he just kills those who will try to stop the robot uprising in the future and hes valid for that……. i think. he’s hot and gives nice kisses so like. that’s also a pass.

the clinger: won’t let him breathe for a minute and crowds him up. has a sense of dependency that would annoy virote to freakin’ death. don’t need to explain much here, since vi makes it a point to voice how much he dislikes men like this. leave him tf alone. he has his life, go get ur own.

the oppressive bigot: do i gotta say anything about this one lol.