#instead my brother and I are expected to be mature and yelled at for being immature

[theamazingannie]

We were literally supposed to have a fun day today. Moments before the argument we were discussing the activities we were gonna do. Now we don’t get to do any of that because of male fragility

[cloudstrky]

After Sun - rafe cameron smau

ch 5: best friend's sister

tags: best friend's brother!rafe, f2l, older!rafe,

warnings: mentions of violence, alcohol

an: this part is written sorry if u don't like that :( really wanted this scene written out but im literally shit at writing so i hope it doesn't give u the ick

mlst

Rafe Cameron was having fun. Scratch that, Rafe Cameron was having a blast. You, on the other hand, not so much. It didn't take long to convince Sarah to go to the country club with you after seeing that picture of Rafe. Selfishly, you wanted to grab his attention and prevent him from having another random fling. Sarah was just down for the drama.

You didn't expect to spot him so quickly. You half expected him to already be locked away in some room. You also half wished he was in a room after seeing the way he was pressing the girl from the picture against the wall.

His big hands on her thighs, her toned arms around his neck. God, this felt like torture.

"Do you want to leave?" Sarah asked as soon as she spotted him.

Yes.

"No," you sighed, turning to her. "This is what we came for right?"

Sarah smiled before grabbing your hand and pulling you further into the club, towards an empty table. "So what's the plan?"

You had an even better view of Rafe from your table. You could see every muscle in his arms flexing as his hands ran up and down the girls body. You couldn't be more jealous of a person.

"So," you said, tearing your eyes away from them. "I need to find someone to entertain."

"Easy," Sarah said, pointing at numerous guys before you even had a chance to look around the room.

"You're more eager than I am." You laughed, glancing over your choices. The truth was, no one was coming close to beating Rafe. No one could even count as competition.

"No fucking way," Sarah gasped, "Tyler."

Your eyes widened, looking over to where Sarah was pointing. "No fucking way Sar!"

"PLEASE!" She yelled, grabbing you by the shoulders. "You know how much this is going to annoy Rafe!"

"Sar he hates him!" You yelled back before turning to look at Tyler. "Although he has gotten seriously hot."

Rafe was known for being a hot-headed teenager and an even more hot-headed adult. He was mostly liked, or at the very least respected throughout high school, but he had certain people he just couldn't stand (and they couldn't stand him).

He and Tyler were rivals in high school since they were both captains of the two rival basketball teams. You remember Rafe being on the verge of expulsion after a game because Tyler had elbowed him so hard on the nose that he had to sit the rest of the game out and so when the game was over, he performed a tit-for-tat show, punching Tyler in the face.

They were both older now and more mature, but the hatred didn't seem to slip away with the years. Just last year, they had gotten into a fight at the beach, and you had stepped in because Topper was too busy oiling up a girl blissfully. You remember Tyler had been very respectful of your presence and had walked away immediately, although Rafe had been the one to step away first.

So yes, Tyler would be the perfect candidate for your evil plan to work, but he also would be the lowest blow.

"Yn, you know this is the best timing ever." Sarah was almost shaking with excitement. You were almost shaking with anxiety. What if your plan didn't work and instead all you could manage to do was make Rafe hate you?

"Isn't this low Sar?"

"You know what's low? Topper making out with Allison. There's no way my brother doesn't know. Tit for tat. Now, wave him over before I do."

You sighed, looking back at Tyler. He was already looking in your direction, so you quickly took your chance to wave him over. He was skeptical for a second before letting his friend know he'd be right back.

You watched him make your way over to you and watched as Sarah slipped away slowly, giving you the thumbs up.

"Yn," he yelled over the loud music as he reached your table. "Hey!"

"Hi, Tyler!" You smiled before he pulled you in for a half hug. "Sorry I waved you over, I was just shocked to see you." You made up a quick lie as you both pulled away from the hug.

He smiled for a moment, taking you in before looking around the club, "You here alone?" he asked suspiciously.

"No, actually, I'm here with Sarah. Remember her?"

"Cameron's sister, yeah." His eyes moved back to you as his smile returned to his face. "Well, you've certainly grown."

"College treating me well, you see." You blushed, almost forgetting about your plan and why you were talking to him in the first place.

"You're in college now, huh?" he sighed in disbelief, "Are you drinking anything?"

Now he was getting to the point. You looked around and you felt your heart race as you caught Rafe staring at you from across the room. The girl was gone from his arms and a beer had taken her place in his right hand as he was leaning against a wall, talking to someone. He looked so pretty in his striped shirt, the first few buttons now undone, giving you a full view of his toned torso and his shiny chain. His hair, slightly wet over his forehead from the warmth of the summer night. His eyes burnt holes into you before focusing on Tyler.

You snapped your head back towards Tyler, "A lemon vodka would be nice."

He grinned, nodding swiftly. "I'll be right back."

You watched him leave and head towards the bar for a moment before your eyes were searching for Rafe again.

You found him still staring at you, an unreadable expression on his face. You gave him a short smile and a weak wave. You knew he didn't want you here. You had asked if you could come, and he had said no, so you were already overstepping before even talking to Tyler. You saw him give you a confused look before taking a sip of his beer. You furrowed your brows at him, mimicking his expression, and he rolled his eyes before turning his attention back to the person who was talking. He thought that was the last of your interaction with Tyler.

As soon as you turned your head away to look for Sarah, Rafe's eyes were back on you. Now that he knew you were here, he couldn't get you out of his mind, and so he wouldn't let you out of his sight.

"I'm just not interested in paying 2m's for a fucking boat y'know?"

No, Rafe didn't know. He had stopped listening seven minutes ago when he spotted you across the room. "Yeah, man, definitely," he answered mindlessly, something that didn't seem to phase the speaker because he kept rambling on, saying his piece.

Rafe watched as you looked around the room. He watched as your black open-back mini dress stopped dangerously high on your hips. He watched as the dip of the open back lingered dangerously low on your spine. Watched as your hair moved flawlessly around with the summer breeze, watched as your fingers anxiously snaked around your gold bracelets, and watched as Tyler came back with your drinks.

Rafe was sure he hadn't felt so angry in ages. Probably since he crashed his back four summers ago. Or maybe seven summers ago, when he was forced to sit out the most important basketball game of his life, causing him to lose the scholarship he so badly wanted because a certain rival had decided to do everything in his power to secure a scholarship.

So, in other words, Rafe was fuming. He watched as you took the drink from him with a big smile. The sound of his heart racing and his blood boiling overshadowing every other sound around him.

Clueless to what was going on around you, he watched you take a sip. He had to stop himself from racing over to you and snatching that drink from your hands.

"Excuse me," he said to the guy next to him, who was left confused as he watched Rafe walk away.

He pushed through the crowd, ignoring people calling his name.

"Party's over, let's go." Rafe's voice sent shivers down your spine. His tone has never been like that around you. His voice, soft and silky, was always a sound you cherished. And it couldn't be more different than his voice now, low and threatening.

"Rafe," you breathed as you turned to look at him. His eyes dark and heavy, show and tell that he had been partying.

"I think it just started, man." Tyler spoke, a massive grin plastered across his face.

Rafe didn't turn to look at him. "Yn." His voice was firm. With the beer in his hand long gone, he reached out his right hand to touch your lower back gently. His rough hands firm but soft on your exposed skin made you shiver unwillingly. Regret was quick to wash over you as you realized how low you had stepped because of your jealousy.

"I think she wants to stay, brother." Tyler rasped from next to you. His hand gently pushed your hair out of your face as he leaned in closer, "Don't you?"

If Rafe hadn't been pushed over the edge, he was now.

"Get your fucking hand off her." He growled, shoving Tyler's hand away.

Tyler taken aback, took a step forward.

"Walk away." Rafe rasped pulling you closer.

"Rafey, let's go." You turned towards him, leaving your drink on the table.

Rafe's eyes softened at the sound of your voice. He could feel his hand burning at the bottom of your spine. He guided you away from Tyler before he could get a word in. All you heard was a loud scoff and something about the drink.

The walk out of the club was tense. His hand on your lower back made you feel as if you were on fire. His breath hitting the back of your neck pointedly, smelling of beer and mint. You didn't even notice you were shaking until you stepped completely off the club's terrace and headed towards the parking.

Rafe's hand was gone in a heartbeat once you entered the parking area. He walked behind you in silence, the hand that was touching you flexing by his side, aching to get rid of the burning sensation.

"Rafe-"

"Get in the car, Yn." His voice was firm. You stopped in your tracks and turned to look at him, observing him as he stepped around the car and into the driver's seat.

You followed and got into the passenger's seat. He didn't start the car, and so the silence became so thick you felt like you were choking.

"Sarah is also here..." You said weakly, scared of his silence.

"Fucking great."

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and you watched as he texted Topper. He locked the screen and threw his phone on the dashboard. His head fell back on the headrest, a loud sigh escaping his lips.

"Rafe-" you tried again.

"Are you into him?" he finally asked, looking over at you. His features tired and dark and filled with confusion.

"What?" you muttered, unsure of what he actually meant.

"Or do you hate me?" his voice was raspy. The firmness was long gone, and exhaustion had taken its place.

"Rafe what are you-"

"Do what you fucking want doll. Have JJ. Have Tyler. Fucking have them both. But don't do it in front of me because I won't stand for it." He breathed heavily. "You know how hard it was for me to not break his slimy fucking hand?"

You were at a loss for words. Your hands still shaky, adrenaline rushing through your body so quickly, making it hard to breathe. He looked desperate. His eyes tore away from you as he started the engine.

You reached out, your small hand grabbing his. He pulled away as if you burned him and got out of the car. You stayed still, your eyes wide. You had never seen Rafe like that before. His back was turned to you but you could tell from the way it moved he was breathing heavily. You turned back and looked out of your window, deciding to give him space.

Seconds later, he was back in the car. The way home seemed longer than it was. His eyes didn't roam, and neither did yours. You kept looking out the window until he pulled into the driveway of the summer house. Neither of you moved and after a minute of silence, you undid your belt.

The tension was thick. You had never felt so claustrophobic before in your life. You knew what you did was wrong but you didn't think it'd bother him this much. Or perhaps you did.

"You're my best friend's sister. So please, doll, don't make it so fucking hard for me."

And then he was out of the car.

[forgottenluck]

A 'tch' left him.

"Acknowledgement is the first step to recovery." he had to force the words out. "Change doesn't happen in a day, at least for normal people. It's not like I have some sort of switch that i can just press and suddenly i'm all sunshine and rainbows."

For once, Koun's tone isn't....yelling. Biting, yes, but he isn't actually yelling this time.

"I've been burned by humans time and time again, but I chose to try and look past that. I was honest and made it clear that it would take me time to get used to being around people, and your brother accepted that."

"You go on and on about how I'm a problem, as if i'm some small kit that needs to be punished. As if you have all the answers to the universe" His ears are pinned back and he makes a displeased sound. "But you fail to remember that I've been alive far longer than you. You call my actions tantrums, but all you do is fuel the flame by spitting back at me your words. Like all humans do, you refuse to see past the bridge of your own nose....seeing only what you think is right."

And then he did something surprising.

"Don't you dare say that to your own brother." the snarl left him, his fur fluffing. "Ludger has a goddamned point, and you're so full of it that you're blind to it! You fight me at every fucking turn, and expect me to bend over backwards for you, but when your own fucking flaws are pointed out, instead you turn your bitchiness back on your brother?"

"He's well aware of what he's done, He's well aware of why I act the way I do around him, and he's actively been trying to help me get out of the mindset that the rest of humanity has put me in. But you acting like a spoiled brat who's not getting his way is directly counteracting that attempt. I'm not the one who's throwing tantrums at every turn, my reactions to things are a defense mechanism that takes time to override."

"You on the other hand, are yelling at not only me, but also your brother, over something fucking stupid. Acting like your brother can't even stand on his own two feet without you around. Acting as if you're the most mature person in the room. If anything, your brother is far more mature than you could ever hope to be. He understands the weight of what he carries, and is ready to accept the consequences should it come to it. But you act as if he has to be coddled at every turn. Not everything is in your control, idiot."

He turned to Ludger, nodding slightly.

"And good on you for actually standing up to him about it. Cuz he's being a fucking ass."

@forgottenluck || Mom & Dad are fighting again over this

"What would you want me to call your constant tantrums then?" Julius said, his unnatural emotionally detached shell on full display. "Am I supposed to reward you because you've only done step one: recognize the problem? If you want help, save the excuses of why you haven't changed and show me what's supposedly changed about--"

"--Getting into constant arguments doesn't help either, Julius!" Ludger had to take a breath himself before he made this a three-way shouting match. With Julius now quiet, he could mediate a little, "Nii-san, I know you're being so cavalier about this because you want to act as a counterbalance. But there's a difference between excusing bad behavior and picking fights! You have to meet people halfway."

--But it had no effect on Julius. If anything, he dropped the mask to show his visible disappointment in both him and Koun, "Just as you met your old friends halfway?"

"That..." Ludger couldn't help tearing up a little, having that thrown back at him by his brother. "...I-I just... I want the fighting to stop. Please." He didn't want to keep making both Koun's and Julius' lives miserable due to his selfish actions.

[sublimecatgalaxy]

la vie en rose- Part 9 (of many)

-Pairing: Fezco (Euphoria) x reader

-Summary: Reader wins her diving meet, yay! Fez wants to celebrate ;)

-Warnings: Swearing, this one is definitely SMUTTY, I wouldn't say this one is 18+ just yet, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY MATURE.

Slowburn folks, you know how mean I am.

-Word Count:

-A/N: READ WARNINGS. No cliffhanger again in this one folks. JUST A FAIR WARNING THOUGH. Spicy. Not nearly as much as I'd like but I don't know where you guys stand with smutty shit. Y'all are probably devils in disguise for all I know.

Masterlist

Playlist Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

It took us a few months to get into the swing of things at Fez’s.

Sienna and I eventually decorated our room with the help of the boys, the room sorting itself out. We came over with a lot of stuff that day and the fact that we managed to find a spot for everything is shocking. But even Sienna, in her nervous glory, relaxed into things. She relaxed into her school schedule, she made friends with Ash, the two of them developing their own friendship in the midst of everything. But I did eventually have to fill her in on the job that Ash and Fez take part in. She wasn’t too shocked but now she could at least understand why her and I were quickly ushered out of the room and behind a locked door whenever someone came over at one in the morning.

Fez and I eventually figured things out, the temptations and anxiety around us fizzling out as we grew into our normal routine. It was comfortable and nice. But we still didn’t tell any of our friends how close we were, only that Sienna and I were living with him for the time being. Jules seems to be the one who doesn’t entirely believe me.

“Y/n, seriously, when was the last time you got fucked, like it’s not the 80s, you need to catch a dick.” Jules snorts as she shuts her locker, the noise scaring me and snapping me out of my thoughts. I roll my eyes at her as she pulls me down the crowded hallway, the end of school day bell making us giggle in excitement. “I’ll bug you about that later, are you excited for your meet?” She asks and my face flushes. Since the New Years has passed, along with Valentine's day, the swim/diving season is now in full swing for varsity girls.

Speaking of New Years, there was definitely something between my sister and her new found love of marijuana. And I didn’t totally lack a New Years kiss at midnight, it’s just not who I was expecting.

Looking around the room, Sienna cheers, jumping up and down as she grins at me. The ball finally dropped, the New Year starting as I grin at her. I can tell she’s relieved to be in this environment instead of any other, the joint between her fingers being passed between her and Ash with a blush. Moments pass, Ash and Fez sharing a manly hug, before Fez turns to me, pausing. Giving him a nervous grin, he leans over, gently pressing a kiss to my forehead as I chuckle warmly.

“You know what, Ash, get your ass over here!” I yell, pushing Fez away as he gasps, offended. He falls onto the couch as I grab his brother's arm. I share a knowing glance with Fez, his eyes trailing over my body as I pass him. Ash looks up at me nervous as I lean down, pressing the biggest kiss to his cheek as he squeals. His cheeks flush as I giggle, shoving him down next to his brother. “Happy New Year fuckers!”

Smiling at the memory, I grin, turning my attention back to Jules as she continues to smile proudly at me. “You and Lexi are both going to kill it.” She bumps her shoulder against mine, my stomach swirling in excitement at the thought of getting back in the water. “I’ll be there with Rue, front row.” She grins, taking my hand in hers as we walk towards the pool. I take a deep breath, stopping outside the doors as she smiles reassuringly at me, shoving me towards the door. “Go find Lexi, text me if you need me. I’ll see you in a minute!” She presses a light kiss to my cheek before rushing off in the other direction, her heels clicking against the tile. Working up the confidence to enter the locker room, my eyes immediately see Lexi in the corner, already in her teal suit. She grins widely when she sees me, her warm smile and wave inviting me over to her bench as I set out my stuff.

“Are you as nervous as I am? Cuz I’m freaking out.” She whispers, looking up at me as she holds her hair in a bun. “What dives are you doing anyways?” She questions and the conversation calms me down. As we share tips and tricks, along with our line up for the meet, I feel my anxiety slowly brush off my shoulders as she talks. Eventually slipping into my suit, the material actually managing to hug my hips in the right way, I hold my arms up in a ‘tada’ form as Lexi claps. Even as the hustle and bustle grows as the swimmers come and go, Lexi and I chat, eventually working up the courage to walk out into the pool room, our bags on our shoulders.

Looking out into the crowd, I immediately spot Rue and Jules in the front row, waving at us happily as we pass. I stop for a moment, sending Lexi on her way as she makes her way over to the bench. Jules approaches the divider, leaning over it to press a kiss to my forehead.

“Good luck.” She whispers and I grin, taking a deep breath as the nerves run through me. She pauses, turning back to Rue who sends me a wink. “Uh,” Jules starts, my eyebrows pulling together in confusion, “I forgot to mention, Fez is here, okay bye!” She cringes nervously, the news stopping me in my tracks as I look anxiously around the crowd.

And she wasn’t lying. Fez, Ash and my sister sit happily on the top bench of the bleachers. Smiles cover their faces as I spot them, shaking my head sheepishly. Great, now even more reason to be nervous. I watch as Jules sits back down in her seat as I make my way over to Lexi, my heart now pounding out of my chest as she glances at me.

“You okay?” She asks and I scoff, pointing up to the top of the bleachers as she giggles. Feeling her wrap an arm around my shoulder, her laughter diminishes as the swim races begin. I fold my legs up in front of me on the bench, turning to look at her. “You’re the best diver here. Fez and your sister being home won’t change that. I promise.” She whispers, her hand rubbing up and down my back as my phone buzzes. Pulling it out of my bag, swiping on the message, I grin.

Fez <;3 You look hella cute.

I snort, as I look up into the bleachers, his fingers dancing in a simple wave. I send him a wink back, putting my phone away as I watch my team swim. Unable to keep my full attention on them, I sneak glances at Fez along with the judges. You never know what you’re going to get when it comes to judges. Whether they’re seasoned veterans or alumni, it all impacts how they vote. I just hear the tips in my head; straight arms and legs, chin tucked to chest, hair tight against my head, feet slapping against the water is always good. And don’t hurt yourself.

That’s always number one.

As the first half of the swimming portion comes to an end, my eyes flicker up to my sister who grins like a mad woman at me. I send her a kiss, standing up as Lexi pats me on the back. Next I see Ash who claps loudly as I approach the board, my name being cheered by the boy. Fez is relaxed, his knees spread as he leans against the cool brick wall, a small smile on his lips. Closing my eyes as they announce my stunt and my name, I step up onto the board doing a quick stretch, I adjust the board as I smile to myself.

My favorite part about diving is how quiet it gets as the crowd waits for me to do my trick. Stepping up to the edge of the board, my arms stretched out above me, my toes rest on the end of the board as I bounce slowly. I always make the first dive my favorite dive. Especially because it’s easy and it’s terrifying to the audience. As I jump, snapping in half as I hug my knees, I do a perfect one and a half somersault, my feet hitting first, creating the most perfect slap. I hear the crowd cheer as I approach the water's surface, my hands quickly finding the side of the pool as I wait for the judges.

Hearing a score of nine is like music to my ears. I grin loudly, Lexi helping me out of the pool as I jump up and down in her arms. She giggles like crazy, pulling me over to the side as I dry off briefly. As the girl from the other school goes, doing a simple one and a half front dive, she receives a six and a half. I’m not cocky but… I’m cocky.

Eight dives come and go, all ranging from a seven and a half to a nine and a half, personally above my average. The girl from the other school averages around the same, just twenty points behind me with our last dive left. Biting my lip as she dives, receiving a perfect score of ten, I shit myself internally. Fuck.

I know that either way, if I bomb the next dive or get a perfect score, I’ll win. But the point is a record that I’ve developed over the years and I don’t like when people get close to my score. Call me a bitch, I like to win. I like to be hundreds of points ahead of them. But this time I don’t think it’s my fault, I think the other girl is just that good.

Stepping up to the board, I gulp visibly at the next dive. Catching Lexi’s gaze, she gives me a reassuring nod, her fists under her chin as she waits. It’s the hardest dive that I typically don’t use at meets, but the coach recommended that I pull out all the stops for the sake of our statistics as a diving team. So I agreed. Take one for the team, right?

So I stand on the edge of the board, closing my eyes to calm my heartbeat as the crowd quiets. Bouncing up and down a few times, gaining enough momentum, I hoist myself into the air and I can already tell and feel that I have it in the bag. The somersaults are flawless, and the twist seemingly happens on its own without me forcing it. When I land in the water, I hear Lexi cheer along with my coach.

And, man, could I not get to the surface fast enough.

Lexi and the coach hug each other as my eyes fly to the coaches table, a ‘10’ written on all of their boards. “Holy- Oh my god! You’re joking!” I yell out, quickly swimming as fast as possible over to the side of the pool as the coach pulls me out of the water and into her arms. Water drips off of me but she doesn’t seem to care as she whispers words of encouragement and excitement. I jump up and down, my head spinning as the news floors me. “That’s the highest I’ve ever gotten on that dive!” I scream, stepping back to look at the coach, the proud grin on her face making me cheer once more. She nods, cupping my hands in her face as Lexi approaches us, her arms wrapping around my waist as we squeal.

The room eventually switches, swimming beginning again as Lexi and I make our way into the locker room to get changed. Divers were technically free to go after the diver segment, no reason to wait around since we don’t do anything after home meets and we don’t swim a cool down lap with the swimmers.

“Holy shit, dude. That was insane out there.” Lexi huffs, laying down on the bench as I lean against the lockers, the coolness of the metal grounding me. “You got a fucking ten!” She yells, hitting me with her towel as I giggle, covering my face with my hands. “I wonder what Fez thought.” She sits up, her eyes wide as I realize that he witnessed that. Setting my bag down, I shuffle through it looking for my phone. When I finally put my eyes on it, I can see the four missed texts from the man of the hour. Giggling, I sit down next to Lexi as I open my phone.

Fez <;3 You’re the only girl I know who can make me hard while brutally smacking her face on the water during warm ups.

Mkay, that first one scared the shit outta me.

I didn’t know you could bend like that.

Your sis is shook. I have zero clue what’s going on. Jus that you look good while doing it.

I giggle loudly, reading over the text a few times before sending a text to my sister, telling her to meet me out in the hallway. I throw my head back in happiness, shoving my phone back into my bag. That man. I quickly get my black towel material dress out of my bag, placing it onto the bench as Lexi and I quickly get out of our freezing suits.

We do our normal routine, wiping the salt water off of us as we both put our respected beauty products and perfume on. That was one thing that we both agreed on, we hated smelling like the pool. Slipping into the dress, it barely falls on my thighs, my cheeks warming at the sight. What was Fez going to think of it?

“Shit, I forgot a bra.” I hug my chest in realization, looking through my bag as Lexi braids her hair with a laugh. Huffing, giving up, I sit on the bench as Lexi finishes her braid. Lexi stands quickly, making her way behind me, her fingers sectioning parts of my hair as she braids it. “Lexi, I gotta go! Don’t braid my hair.” I giggle, standing up as she continues to fiddle with my hair. Sliding on my slides, I walk away from the lockers, Lexi following me closely as she continues to braid my hair. Tears fill my eyes from the laughter as her fingers work on my hair, all the way into the hallway. Watching as my friends and family approach us, I giggle.

“Get on your knees!” Lexi orders, shoving me to the tile as I look up at Ash and my sister with an eye roll. “Let me finish.” She huffs, her fingers working magic on my thick and knotted hair. When Fez approaches us, his eyes are wide and naughty as he looks at the position I'm in. He runs his tongue over his bottom lip, shifting in his spot as he adjusts himself not so subtly. My cheeks heat up for a moment, watching as he turns away from the group for a moment, obviously flustered. I look down realizing my boobs are, quite frankly, pushed up as far as they can go, the gold chain that Fez got me resting gracefully against my skin. Making it even better, my hands rest prettily on my thighs. When he looks back at me, his pupils are blown and I smirk. My bottom lip tugs between my lips as he shakes his head at me with a laugh. He knows me by now. Looking at my sister and not Fez’s curious gaze, she high fives me.

“You killed that other girl, sis. She was crying when she left!” Sienna cheers, clapping her hands as she celebrates my victory. “You’re so cool. Even Ash was like ‘oh my god’ the whole time, right Ash?” She looks at the boy by her side who grins at her, nodding his head, impressed.

“It was hella cool. I’ll come whenever you’ve got these things going on.” Ash chuckles sheepishly as Lexi pulls me up to my feet, her arm wrapping around my shoulder. I look at her, my hand reaching back to touch the two braids that make their way down my scalp.

“Thanks bubs.” I smile at her, her grin not faulting as she looks down at her phone. “Text me, okay?” I ask as she backs away, well aware she has to leave before her mom flips.

“Love you, you killed it!” She yells, blowing me a kiss as she skips down the hallway chanting my name. I giggle, my face heating up as I set my bag down on the floor next to me.

“I wanna wait for Rue and Jules and then we can go.” I grin, saying it more to Fez than anyone else. He nods, still yet to say anything to me yet. I can tell he’s nervous, his opinion of me must be changing in that pretty head of his. In a good way I hope. Maybe he’s intimidated by me? Not even moments later, Rue and Jules come bursting through the door, Rue trailing behind as Jules rushes up to me. I grin, pushing past my sister jog towards the tall, happy girl. She wraps her arms around my waist, hoisting me into her arms, my legs quickly wrapping around her waist. We both giggle loudly as she spins me around, tumbling to the ground gracefully but quickly. Our backs hit the ground breathlessly as Rue stands over us, her little snorts making me grin.

“You’re fucking fantastic!” Jules gasps, reaching over to slap my boobs. I feign offense, rolling my eyes at her as I reach over smacking her back. “No literally, you and Lexi are like these goddesses sent to make our minds naughty, girl.” I look up to Rue who holds her hand out to me, helping me off the ground as she pats my back proudly. “You’re so hot! Who knew you were that bendy!” Jules giggles, her eyes squinting as she compliments me. I grin, covering my cheeks with my hands as they heat up. Rue nods along, obviously agreeing with the statement. “Damn, wow.” Jules huffs, placing her hands on her hips as she grins. “Okay, so, Rue and I have to go, but I will be texting you all night.” She promises, shoving me playfully as I take it. Rue wraps an arm around the both of us, walking down the hallway towards my family. Feeling a hand slap my ass, I squeal, jumping away from them.

“Stop slapping my ass, you perv!” I giggle, pointing at Jules as she shrugs playfully. I turn to my sister, wrapping my arms around her as I rest my chin against the top of her head. Rue and Fez share a quick hug as Jules pulls her down the hallway. “Bye babies!” I yell as they send me waves as they leave the hallway. Laughing as the excitement dies down, I turn to Fez who looks at me happily. “We ready?” I ask, looking to Ash who looks at Fez for help. Confused by the silence, I look down at Sienna who grins.

“Fez wants to drive you somewhere. Ash and I are getting a ride.” She responds simply and I look up at Fez whose eyes are on the ground. Floored, I look from Fez, to Ash then back to my sister as no one gives me further explanation. “Good luck. Come on, Ash.” She winks at me before grabbing Ash’s hand, pulling him down the hallway. The nerves in my stomach growing, I turn back to Fez who has taken a few steps closer to me. My eyebrows raise as I look at him, his silence unsettling.

“Come on.” He whispers, motioning towards the door as I follow in his stride. He walks quickly as he fiddles with the lanyard on his keys. Butterflies swim in my stomach as he holds the door open for me, my head ducking under his arm as I make my way into the cool spring air. My slides smack against the concrete as I follow the man in front of me, wondering where we’re going and why.

When we arrive at the car, he opens my door politely for me, letting me sit down slowly as I place my bag at my feet. When he closes the door, I think back to the last day and a half, wondering if I upset him or something. His texts less than an hour ago seemed fine. As he enters the car, he sits down, huffing as he hesitates to start the car. My mind spinning, I decide to finally speak up.

“Did I do something wrong?” I croak out, the words not coming out as clear and confident as I’d like them to. Catching his attention as his head whips to look at me, he laughs. Realization slaps him across the face as he shakes his head, turning in his seat to reach across the middle console. Taking my hand in his, he grins.

“Sorry, angel.” He whispers bashfully, the nickname making my thighs squeeze together. “I, uh, knew if I said something in there then I’d lose my cool. Trust me, we’re cool.” He spins in his seat again, turning the car on as I heat up. Slipping my slides off, I tuck my knees to my chest, looking over at Fez with a dopey smile.

“What could you have not said in there, hmm?” I ask, watching him as he pulls out of the parking space, a small laugh escaping his lips as he drives away from the school. “Was it something like what you texted me cuz, Jesus Fez, I was next to Lexi.” I snort, my cheeks heating up as he rolls his eyes, his head hitting the headrest. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered that my pain brings you pleasure. That really hurt my face!” I giggle, reaching over to slap his thigh. The street lights illuminating his smile as we drive down the dim road, his fingers gripping the steering wheel tightly.

“You gotta give me a bit to be honest about all that shit.” He chuckles sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck at my accusations. “Verbally at least. Sayin’ shit out loud is hard for me.” He admits with a grin, stealing a glance at me as I choke out a laugh.

“Not the only thing hard for you.” I cackle, covering my mouth with my hand as he gawks at me. His jaw is dropped, his eyes having a difficult time focusing on the road as I snicker. “You set me up perfectly to make that joke, I couldn’t not say that, you should know this by now!” I explain, sitting up in the seat, picking at the edge of my dress. Our laughter and shock calms down as he pulls onto an entry ramp for the highway. Peering out the window as LA fades in the background, I’m not full of questions. “You’re not gonna like, drive me into the middle of nowhere to kill me right?” I ask as he chuckles lowly, shaking his head.

“You’re trippin’.” He grins. “Nah, you’re good. Though we aren’t exactly following the rules of ‘not bein’ alone together’.” He motions between us and I snort, folding my legs under me as I play with the chain around my neck. “You’re not exactly making it easy on me.” He glances over at me, his eyes trained on my open thighs as he clears his throat. I’m nothing but tempting. “Just relax. It’ll be a while.” He changes the subject, now referring to our drive ahead of us.

Slowly the city faded behind us, the country now spreading out across the earth. I look out the window with a grin, my eyes sleepy as we continue to drive. I’m still unsure of where we’re going in the first place, but Fez assures me that it’ll be worth it in the end. We’ve been driving already for a few hours, midnight coming and going and ‘goodnights’ from my sister and my friends coming and going.

The window rolled down, my hand sticking out into the cold air, I smile as I sing along to the song blasting throughout the car. Fez grins at me, my heart pounding as he speeds down the interstate. No traffic at this time of night, no sir, so it’s just the two of us, speeding and singing happily. Not a care in the world, my win behind me and now alone time with the man that I’m crazy about. Who I’m not allowed to touch and who’s not allowed to touch me. Ugh.

Ignoring my thoughts, I watch as a big sign approaches us to the right. Welcome to Nevada. I read the sign outloud, turning to Fez who smiles smugly. My eyebrows pull together as I roll up my window, suddenly suspicious.

“Please tell me you’re not taking me to Vegas cuz I’ll die there. I’m not nearly baller enough, sweetheart. It’s nice that you think I am.” I giggle as he snorts, his head shaking. Okay so not Vegas. As we drive past the sign, the car slows considerably, making me even more confused. In the middle of nowhere and why? Fez slowly maneuvers the car off the road, the only light in the car coming from the dim light on the dash. “Okay, what?” I giggle nervously, taking my seatbelt off as he shrugs. “Tell me.” I plead, reaching over to slap his chest playfully.

“We’re in Nevada.” He replies simply as if it would make a lightbulb go off above my head but I’m still just as confused as before. I watch as he pulls a joint out from his pocket, silently lighting it as I impatiently huff.

“I’m not following here, love, you gotta give me something else.” I giggle, crossing my arms over my chest as he gazes at me softly.

“You know the term, ‘what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’?” He asks simply, taking a hit off of his joint before simply handing it over to me. I nod, graciously taking it from him as I lift it to my lips. “Well, we’re close enough to Vegas.” He snorts as I choke on the copious amounts of smoke that I just inhaled. Coughing, I try to recover but it just doesn’t happen easily. Chuckling at me, Fex reaches over to rub my back as my mind spins at his words. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Regaining my sense of speech and breathing, I look at him with wide eyes as he smirks.

“You drove me nearly four hours to make out and dirty talk me?” I ask through a gasp, my throat burning at the air rushing through it. He snorts but nods at my statement realizing it’s completely accurate. “Oh my god.” I giggle, covering my face as he watches me. “You know, you’re so much more smooth than people give you credit for. That’s like stupid romantic dude.” I chuckle, trying to get the topic on anything else but how nervous I am. Reaching over, he takes my hand in his, pressing a kiss to my knuckles.

“You don’t gotta be nervous. Not with me.” He shrugs simply, my heart warming at his kind words. I send him a nervous smile, looking out the window at the dark expanse that’s in front of us. “We don’t gotta do anything you don’t wanna.” He reassures, the grin on my face growing even more as I look back to him, mischief gleaming in my eyes. Smirking, I swing my leg over the middle console, sliding down onto his lap carefully as he eyes me.

“Consent is sexy, Fez.” I whisper, settling on his lap, my hands gently rest on his shoulders. His hands hover just above my thighs, his eyes wide at my words. He seems hesitant, almost as if he has to explain to himself that it’s allowed.

“You looked pretty on your knees back at the school.” He mutters, his hands finally resting on the tops of my thighs and I hiss, getting used to the coolness of his rings on my hot skin. “This dress is… wow, shit.” He looks up at me, his pupils blown as I gently massage his shoulders. “Com’ere.” He grabs me by the elbow, gently pulling me down to wrap his arms around me gently. Taken back by his gentleness, I wrap my arms around his neck happily, taking a deep breath as he rubs over my back.

“You make me so nervous.” I whisper, my lips brushing against his neck as he hums. His hands migrate south, his hands now resting on my tailbone as I sigh quietly, pulling back to look at him. Our chests are pressed tightly together in the close confines of the car, his chest rising and falling slowly. “And seeing those messages after I went into the locker room, god…” I trail off, my head craning back as I stare out the sunroof. “Seems like you can’t handle seeing me in a bathing suit.” I giggle, looking down at him as he nods, his eyebrows raised playfully. His hands move from my back, around my waist to rest on my hips, his grip tighter than before.

“You just always look so fine.” He whispers, his head tilting. Breath getting caught in my throat, I gasp as he sits up straighter. “I say we give it till your 19th.” He offers sudden, my head not connecting the dots. We can be together once I’m 19? “And for now I can finally tell you all the stuff I wanna do to you once I can.” My thighs clench subconsciously, Fez’s eyes flicker down to the limbs that trap him. His fingers dance down from my hips to my thighs once more, his fingers dancing under the material of my dress.

“Yeah, what’re you trying to do?” I ask quietly and teasingly as he leans forward, his nose gently bumping with mine as he messages the inside of my thighs with his thumbs. Brushing against the stretch marks on the sensitive skin, my hips stutter.

“I’m tryna blow your back out.” He whispers, his eyes shining in the dim light. Watching as his neck cranes to gently capture my lips in a heated but soft kiss, my eyes flutter shut. I gently reach up, my hands cupping his cheeks as his hands sneak under my dress, bunching it up as his hands water to my ass. Moaning softly as our lips part, he pulls me even closer against him. Gently running my blunt nails down his scalp, he lets out a loud groan, his head hitting the head rest with a thump as he pulls away from my lips. He looks absolutely fucked. “Fuck.” He whispers, his eyes fluttering shut as I repeat my actions, gently scratching his head as my lips dip down below his jaw. Taking every opportunity to press my lips against the softness of his neck, he moans quietly, his hands gripping my ass tightly. “You got zero clue what you do to me.” He whispers, but I can feel what I do to him. Leaning back with a proud smirk, I grin down at him. His lips are parted, soft pants coming from them as he gazes.

“I have an idea.” I whisper, my voice even more breathless than his. We sit there for a moment, staring at each other as silence wraps around us. “So, are you just gonna sit there or are you going to do something?” I ask innocently, my hands dragging down his chest to rest on his belt. He kisses the back of his teeth, a cocky grin on his lips.

“You’ve got quite the mouth on you, hmm?” He asks, his hands slipping up my back, his fingertips on my bare skin making me shiver. Trying my best to keep up my unbothered gaze, his eyes widen at the lack of a bra as he travels up further. My jaw slacks at his words, my mouth drying out as my heart beat picks up. “You act like you’re not just falling apart in that little head of yours.” He grins, his eyes shutting as he peppers kisses against my jaw.

“You act like you’re not thinking of me in every position imaginable.” I whisper breathlessly as he gently skims his lips down my neck, my thighs clenching once more around nothing. “Unlike you, I can hide my attraction pretty easily.” I grin at my jab, feeling his hips jump underneath me. He chuckles quietly, one of his hands moving out from under my dress, to reach up to cup my cheek. He grabs my chin, angling my head to look down at him as he shakes his head playfully.

“Where did all those manners go, huh?” He asks sheepishly, his eyes slightly embarrassed at his problem down south. “You’re giving me a run for my money.” He chuckles, both of our grins big and happy, like there isn’t a care in the world.

“Good. I gotta charge you something for me acting this way.” I giggle, cupping his cheeks gently, my thumbs brushing over his freckled cheeks. He rolls his eyes playfully as he presses a kiss to the inside of my wrist.

“You trippin if you think I’m gonna pay for what’s mine.” Playfully slapping my ass, I take a deep breath in order not to just fall apart then and there. Noticing my change in attitude, he messages gently over the spot that he just hit, his eyes gleaming mischievously. Biting my bottom lip hard enough to draw blood, I gently grind my hips down onto his as his eyes widen. “Hmm, you liked that?” He asks, referring to the simple spank, his smile growing even more cocky.

“I can go from fancy to filthy in the smack of an ass.” I giggle, nervously tucking my face in the crook of his neck as he laughs loudly, his hands now returning to my covered back, rocking me gently back and forth. “You’ll learn all the ins and outs eventually.” I whisper quietly, my tone still flirty, but my eyes heavy. “It’s nice to be able to touch you.” I whisper, my hands running up and down his chest softly. He hums in agreement, his lips pressing against the side of my head as we sway to the music.

“It’s nice to be able to tell you exactly what I’m thinkin’.” He responds simply, his chin resting on my shoulder as my eyes flutter shut. At this point, my heart is so full of love that it might burst. I know that’s cheesy but sitting here, with him, I don’t care about anything else in the world. “I can’t wait to have you in my bed, waking up to you.” He confesses, my heart warming and my mind spinning. “Be able to take you out, spoil you shitless.” I chuckle quietly, my hands finding their way under his shirt, dancing along the plates of his abdomen. “And you know, the other shit. ” He chuckles sheepishly as I lift my hands to his chest. I pull away from his shoulder, feeling his heartbeat pound under my hands as he gazes up at me. “If I’m being honest, you’re kinda everything that I want in life.” He whispers, his nervous eyes avoiding mine as his fingers dance up my forearms, leaving goosebumps in their wake. My heart stops at his romantic words, my hands coming out from under his shirt to rest on his jaw. His nervous eyes find mine again, a bashful smile on his lips as I lean down to press mine against his. He responds immediately, his smile present in the kiss as I sigh.

It’s as if I’ve kissed him all my life. We’re just used to each other by now even though we’ve only shared a handful of kisses over the period of our relationship. The comfort that he offers me as his hands rest on my back, the way his head tilts the deepen the kiss, our noses bumping, the way his lips feel so unbelievably soft and gentle against mine. His grip tightens on me as I pull back, my forehead resting against his as we both catch our breath. Moments go by, his eyes searching mine as I smile softly and nervously at him.

“I’d die for you.” He whispers, his eyes wide and honest as I blush. His lips trail down my cheek to my jaw, and down my neck. He holds my cheek in his hand, like putty in his lap. My neck goes slack as I moan softly, feeling his fingers gently take the hair tie out of my hair. Pulling the braid out as he threads his fingers into my still damp hair, I sigh. “I’d kill for you.” He groans, his fingers gently pulling on my hair as I moan. “You know I’d do anythin’ for you, woman.” Grinning, I look down at him, his hand trailing from my hair, his fingers gently stretching across the span of my throat. Pulling me to him, my head spins. He presses a kiss to my cheek gently, the contrast between his rough hand and his gentle kisses driving me crazy. “You’re so damn pretty and you’re so smart, angel.” I grin, gazing at him as his hand leaves my throat, dancing over the column between my breasts. “And you way naughtier than I thought.” He snorts, my head tossed back in laughter as he presses kisses to the column of my throat.

“You’re so good with words.” I whisper, my heart fluttering in my chest. “You’ve really got me speechless over here. Gimme a minute.” I giggle, watching as he pulls away from me, giving me a second to catch my breath.

“Sorry baby.” He whispers, his hands soothing over my thighs gently and slowly. Taking a deep breath, he mirrors me, grinning wildly as his hands dance over my body. Even that in itself is so distracting, my mind going a million miles an hour as I think of what else he could throw at me.

“Sorry, I needed to regroup.” My eyes flutter shut as I regain my composure, Fez watching me intently. “I wish we could just stay here.” I mutter, looking around the cozy car as he nods along with me. “I never wanna go back.” Wrapping my arms around his waist, I tuck my head into his chest as he chuckles softly. “I just wanna talk and kiss until our lips are bruised and we run out of things to talk about.” I admit quietly, watching as Fez’s cheeks heat up at the look of me.

“Yeah, whaddya wanna talk about?” He asks, his thumb rubbing the inside of my thigh as I continue to smile at him. “Wanna talk about how you wanna fuck me or how you want my last name?” I giggle, my forehead landing on his collarbone as he chuckles heartily.

“Both.” I chuckle, feeling as Fez scoots to the edge of the seat, my legs wrapping around his waist as I grin. He reclines the seat back a bit, the silence comfortable around us as I snuggle into his chest. “My big bad drug dealer.” I giggle, my fingers drawing circles on his chest through his shirt. Sliding down next to him on the seat, I throw a leg over him which he immediately has his hand on. He rubs up and down gently, from my knee to the edge of my dress. I tilt my head up, gazing up at him with heart eyes.

“Damn right I’m yours.” He whispers, leaning down to peck my lips lovingly. I grin at the words, my heart swelling as I let out a little squeal. “No one but yours.” He cups my cheek gently, his thumb brushing against my cheekbone as his other hand travels up my thigh and under my dress.

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A/n: Heehee. I was sweating while re-reading this lol.

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[optimist-pine]

It's Complicated: Part 4 || Leonardo

Pairing: 2012 Leo x Reader

Word Count: 1,791

Warnings: Mature themes throughout

Leo watched as you held your hand out towards him, gesturing to his own. He reached his hand toward yours and you placed yours lightly on top. Touching his own but just barely, you traced the lines of his palm, and when he looked into your eyes they were focused, but with each movement, you seemed to relax a little more. He let out a shaky sigh and realized that you were having the same effect on him too.

Maybe things will be alright.

Nothing but silence and your fingers moving across his. He focused on them and nothing else. Not what had happened, or what was going to transpire because of it. Just you. You and how you had just begun to hum. And now he closed his eyes, and the heel of your palm rested in his and your fingers only traced lazy circles on his skin. They seemed to ignite something in him. Something bright and burning and not at all like heaviness that had surrounded him when he first sat down. This was a little buzzing pricking feeling that seemed to travel all the way up his arm and into his heart.

Maybe his head knew that everything wasn't alright, but you could've fooled his heart.

---

You worry about Leo. Of course, you've always worried about him. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, and because of that, he pushes people away. But right here? Even after what's happened he's not pushing you away. He's letting you hold onto him. If he had pushed you away... You don't even want to think about it. Instead, you choose not to take anything he gives you for granted.

There the two of you are when the others come inside, ready for dinner. The noise of the door banging open followed by multiple loud conversations occurring at once startles you and on reflex, you pull your hand away more quickly than you would've liked.

Leo's eyes snap open and he groans, extracting himself from the couch before noticing his cookie still lying on the table, and he quickly grabs both of your cookies, shoving them in your mouths before the others can see.

Mikey comes barreling into the room, vaulting over the couch and landing with a solid oomph. "I crushed them at hide and seek, (y/n), you should have seen it!" He's practically making the entire couch bounce with his energy.

"This numnut managed to hide for a full freakin' hour." Raph ruffles the top of his brother's head as he walks past.

"I just can't believe he managed to stay still that long." Donnie shrugs. "It's practically a miracle."

Casey appears to be stomping more than walking as he enters the room. "I swear I checked that place at least twice!" He grumbles.

"I became one with nature," Mikey replies, taking a Zen sort of pose. "The only reason you finally found me was because I wanted you to find me."

"I'm never playing hide and seek with you ever again." April scoffs as she collapses onto the couch.

You look to Leo with a smile on your face, and this time he finally smiles back. Even if it's only for this single moment, everything feels like it's supposed to.

But, if you think too hard, that little voice will remind you about the secret you're holding onto. And for now, you shove that little voice to the back of your mind.

---

Leo couldn't sleep. It was far from the first time, but tonight all he wanted to do was shut his eyes and not open them until morning. The tapping of a tree branch on the window panes was becoming more irritating than calming, and he had flipped around so many times already that he was tangled up in the sheets.

He sat up abruptly and threw the covers off of himself, his feet causing a dull thud to emanate from the wooden floors as he moved swiftly to the door. What he wasn't expecting, was for the door to bump into something as he swung it open, or the hand that followed, pulling him to the ground. Whatever? Whoever he landed on let out a pained grunt when they hit the floor, and Leo echoed the sentiment.

"Ouch, ouch ouch." He could hear you hiss through clenched teeth. "Oooooooouuuuuch." You whisper-yelled, pounding your fist quietly on the floor of the hallway a few times before biting down on your knuckle. Hard.

He scrambled off of you as quickly and as gently as he could, but he was clumsy too and managed to end up flat on his back beside you.

"Are you alright?" He asked. In the shadows, he could see you start to shake. No, no, no, why did he keep hurting you?

A strange noise bubbled out of your throat then, and wait. Was that laughter? It was a familiar sound, and oh how he loved it. He could feel a chuckle slip out of himself.

"I'm fine, Leo. Really." You giggled again, trying to speak through the laughter. "But oww... My head." You groaned.

Leo sat up. "Are you okay?"

"I'll survive." You said dryly, giving him a playful glare.

"Well, that's a relief." He replied. "Couldn't sleep?"

"No... You?" You asked, continuing to lay on the floor and grimace, hand rubbing your forehead where he assumed the door had hit.

"Not so much." He sighed. He wondered if what was keeping him awake was keeping you from sleep as well.

"Well, I was headed out to the swing if you'd care to join." You offered, finally sitting yourself up.

He stood, holding out his hand. "That sounds nice." He said, trying to restrain the smile on his face.

The heat of your hand wrapped in his sent a shiver down his spine. "Thank you." You whispered, eyes locked on his. The silence of the hallway in the dead of night made his heart pick up pace until he couldn't take the intensity of your gaze any longer and had to break away.

"After you." He managed to say.

---

It had been three weeks since your "trip" in the woods, and your ankle was almost as good as new. Donnie still had you wrapping it, and not doing anything strenuous for the next week, but after that - fingers crossed - you would be able to go about your normal routine training with the others. It was quite nice once again being able to get around without assistance.

The two of you sat on the swing, Leo keeping a slow momentum going with his foot. You had brought a blanket with you, and it was draped across your laps to keep the chilly evening air at bay. You leaned your head back against the smooth wood of the swing, watching the stars blink in and out between dark tree branches.

"I have something I want to tell you." You said, steeling your nerves. If you don't do this now, you're just going to keep putting it off. "And if it ends up being super weird... then we'll just forget I ever mentioned it... Alright?" Or maybe I'll just die of embarrassment instead. You tilted your head to the side, long enough for his eyes to meet yours.

"Alright." He said.

"I like you. I mean, as more than just a friend." The swing's motion halted abruptly, the sound of Leo's heel catching in the dirt not really giving you the confidence boost you were hoping for. "Or-or a good friend... I have for a long time honestly. And I know that things aren't exactly the same as they were, but my feelings for you, they haven't changed. I just... didn't think it was right not to tell you. With everything, I mean..." You said.

"Me? But I'm not..." He started.

Not interested, probably. You turned to face him. "Not what?" You asked.

"I'm not even human, (Y/n)." He said, his hands lying limply in his lap. His eyes were cast down, watching his toe scuff around in the grass below.

Gently you reached out to place your hand on his. "Wow, I hadn't noticed." You laughed softly.

"You know what I mean." He said. "Wouldn't you rather be with someone like Casey?"

"Casey?" You scoffed. "Casey Jones? The Casey that we just spent an hour getting his hand unstuck from a metal pipe. That Casey Jones?"

Leo sighed. "Okay, okay, no, not Casey, but you get what I'm saying. Wouldn't you rather be with someone who's at least human?"

Why was Leo trying so hard to discount himself? Unless... Unless he didn't want to be with you... "I could really care less about all of that, Leo. Truly. There's no one else like you." Someone who would try to let me down so gently.

You had sprung this on him so shortly after everything that had happened... And of course, now he probably wouldn't ever see you that way. You couldn't blame him.

"(Y/n), I -" He started, placing his other hand on top of yours.

You quickly pulled your hand back, cutting him off. "I know there's a lot on your plate right now, and you probably don't feel the same way-"

"(Y/n)-" He tried again.

But now you were rambling. "- so we can just forget about it a-"

"Would you just let me answ-" He tried one last time.

You weren't letting him get a word in now, hoping you could just end the conversation and be done with it. At this point maybe you should just leave entirely and get out of everyone's way. Go and live in solitude forever. Relationships were proving to be very messy all of a sudden. At last this particular one. And if you left, Leo could focus on leading the others and going home again. Maybe they'd be better off without you. "-etend this never-"

And then he kissed you. This time it wasn't because of the alcohol. This time he knew what he was doing. And you knew what you were doing. You were kissing him back.

His hand moved to hold your head as you pulled apart. "I like you too." He said before he leaned in and kissed you again, slower this time, your head tilting into his palm. You're not exactly sure where your hands went, but you knew they were on him like his lips were on yours. In that moment, a new kind of love sparked in your soul. The kind that, if allowed to grow, is not so easily extinguished.

You stayed out on that swing and kissed... well... you lost track of how many times exactly, but it was quite a few.

[itsstrawberrymochi]

Hi there! I was wondering if I could request some headcannons of what it would be like to be in a relationship with sanemi, rengoku, and gyomei, separately of course ❤️ thank you I’m advance

Kny characters dating headcanons

YES YES I’ve always wanted to make one of these ^^ to make things better you added some of my favorite boys ~Kyō and Nemi ~ uhhh no offense Gyomei

Also thx for the request @ethereal-tooreal

Rengoku

🔥-He’s a sweet, loving and passionate lover

🔥- He is also a very supportive boyfriend

🔥- If you start something new he’s right behind you every step of the way and he’ll always try to find ways to help you become even better

🔥- Rengoku loves to buy you nice smelling perfumes/colognes,oils or lotions and whenever he hugs you he likes to try and guess what scent you’re wearing

🔥- “ mmmm are you wearing lavender today my love?”

🔥- “Wow Kyō, you’re getting better at guessing”

🔥- Rengoku loves to bring you cute little stuff animals when he comes back from a mission, he especially gets them if they remind him of you

🔥-“Darling look at this stuffed chicken I got you, it reminded me so much of you!”

🔥- “Umm Kyō you think I look like a chicken?”

🔥-“A very cute chicken!”

🔥- Oh so your name is y/n? Yea not anymore when dating Rengoku

🔥- He calls you every single cute name an s/o would call their lover expect your actual name

🔥- So expect him to call you darling, my love or his person favorite my little flame

🔥- If he calls you by your real name be a little bit worried

🔥- Speaking on names, before you two even started dating he always called you y/n-chan because he always admired you and found you cute 🥺

🔥- You’re going to hear me say this more than once but Rengoku is a slut for forehead kisses, because you’re shorter than him and he thinks it’s very convenient

🔥-Rengoku is almost 6’0/ 177 cm so there’s a slim chance you’re taller than him BUT if you are taller than him or the same height he’ll tip-toe to give you the forehead kiss and he never gets embarrassed to do so

🔥-He loves it when you play with his hair, and he doesn’t mind how many colorful or childish clips you put in it

🔥- He loves to take you to festivals for dates and when you two go he buys you literally anything you look at

🔥- He also loves to go restaurant hoping with you, you both decided to try every ramen shop in Japan and to determine which sells the best one

🔥- If you’re a Hasira like him, he’ll always save you a seat near him for pillar meetings

🔥- He loves going on missions with you that way he can spend more time with you and he can protect, but he doesn’t always go and he never makes a fuss about it. Kyō strongly believes in your strength and he knows you can protect yourself

🔥- If you’re not a slayer, and he’s off on missions you and would usually spend your time playing, cooking or baking with Senjurō and sometimes Mitsuri. When he comes back home he just leans on the door way looking and you two and fawning over how adorable the sight is

BONUS

🔥- Since you spend a lot of time at the Rengoku estate his father always has something negative to say about your presence but Rengoku being the amazing lover he is, always defends you and is not afraid to say something back to his father

Sanemi

☁️- He is the definition of a tsundere

☁️- Ok I know we’re all tired of hearing it but it’s TRUE

☁️- He’s so sweet and gentle with you and a literal demon to other people

☁️- He never yells or gets mad at you unlike with others

☁️- And if he does he regrets it after words and immediately apologizes

☁️- Behind close doors Sanemi is extremely clingy and he always wants to be wrapped up around you

☁️- but in public he isn’t like that because he hates PDA, so that means no kissing, hugging or anything of that sorts

☁️- Even though he doesn’t want physical affection in public he’ll still treat you way better than anyone else and is still calm and gentle with you when others are around

☁️- and because it’s Sanemi no one dares call him out on his major shift of behavior towards you

☁️- Sanemi is definitely the listener in the relationship, he much rather you talk about your day than his

☁️- but maybe he’ll rant about how stupid he thinks his Tsugukos and the other pillars are from time to time

☁️- If you’re a demon hunter he’s going on every mission with you, it doesn’t matter if you’re an extremely strong hunter or the weakest he’s still going with you because he wants to protect you

☁️- If you’re not a slayer he’d ask you to move into his estate with him, he doesn’t really care if it’s still the early parts of your relationship he’ll still ask, he asks because you’ll be close to him most of the time and with that he can easily protect you if a demon attacks plus he likes your company but he didn’t tell you that last part

☁️- He also got you a cute little puppy to keep your company while he’s away on mission because he doesn’t want you to be lonely but instead of telling you that he used the excuse it’s to “ protect” the estate from intruders

☁️- Like any normal couple you both have fights and it’s usually about him being overprotective with you, him getting jealous or when he doesn’t listen to you when you tell him to be more careful because he can be very reckless

☁️- To summarize your fights, it’s usually person A is trying to help person B, but person B is too stubborn to realize that

☁️- Sanemi loves to give you hugs from the back, that way you can’t see the smile on his face

☁️- He is the type of s/o who does everything for you but will never admit it

☁️- For example he’ll be the one to buy all the groceries or clean different rooms in the house and when you ask about it he always says you did it and you probably forgot you did

☁️- You and Genya are definitely close, he treats you like an older sibling, Sanemi acts like he hates it but deep down he’s just so happy that the two most important people in his life can get along

☁️- Speaking on Genya he actually had a small crush on you the first time he met you, but it wasn’t serious, he respects his brother and would never make a move on you , the crush was more of an innocent childhood crush

☁️- mmmm how to put this in simpler words........Sanemi is well a bit motherly towards you

☁️- but it doesn’t come off so because he’s so aggressive with it, he always makes you eat all your vegetables or something a strict mother would want their child to do for their well-being

☁️- His motherly nature always comes off as a threat

☁️-“Ok dumbass if you don’t eat all of your greens that’ll be the only thing you can eat for the week”

Or

☁️- “Y/n if you’ve been up for too long go to bed now or I’ll beat you tf up”

☁️-but don’t worry they’re all empty threats..... I think

☁️- Sanemi does anything you ask him to do, so if you want to go to the festival he’ll go but he will mutter out a few complaints on the way

Gyomei

🪨- He’s such a gentle giant

🪨- Because of his large size, at the start of your relationship he was always too scared to hug or kiss you in fear that he may hurt you

🪨- So before any hug or kiss from him he would ask if he can do it, you told him he didn’t have to but it took him while fall out of his habit

🪨- He is very gentle with you but unlike Sanemi he doesn’t mind showing his gentleness with you around others

🪨- He loves hand holding, he really enjoys feeling you warmth against his own

🪨- Plus he has big and soft hands, so hand holding is always a delight

🪨- He strongly believes that a relationship is built on communication and trust

🪨- He is not the type to shy away from his feelings and always tells you how he really feels

🪨- During your relationship you’ll never have to worry about him being dishonest or feel like you two are pulling away from each-other

🪨- Even though he’s been blind for a while and can take care of hisself just fine, he doesn’t get mad if you help him out here or there

🪨- because he is blind he has bit of trouble recognizing who’s walking up to him but he always knows when you wak to him because he memorized the sound of you footsteps

🪨- If you are a slayer he loves helping you train and he’s constantly telling you ways you can improve your breathing style

🪨-Also he’ll rarely go on mission with you, it’s only because he doesn’t want you to depend on him too much and he wants you to become strong on your own, if he ever dies he’ll be glad to know you’re going to be just fine without him

🪨- While you are on your mission he’ll pray for you and your safe return

🪨- If you aren’t a hunter he would train you and teach you his breathing style in his dojo, and it’s not to make you be apart of the demon corps but rather to mane you have a good chance of survival if a demon ever attacks, but if you do want to become a demon hunter he would be against it at first but eventually let you join

🪨- I know this is a dating headcanon butttt once your relationship with him is more mature he’ll definitely ask you to marry him. He’s more of the traditional type so he definitely thought of marriage more than once in your relationship and was very excited to pop the question

[gashinabts]

philophobia|(m)

Words: 7.4k

Pairing: Taehyung x Reader

Genre: Angst, Smut, Fluff, Mature

Summary: Taehyung, a man, who swears he’ll never fall in love meets Y/N a hopeless romantic.

Warnings: Teasing, spitting, oral (f/receiving), fingering, pussy slapping, pussy sniffing ( lmao idk if thats a thing?), squirting, sexual intercourse, mention of homophobia. Topics of child neglecting, if this makes you uncomfortable pls don’t read :) minor character death

A/N: Taehyung is a bisexual king! Tell me what you peeps think, remember that comments motivate me to continue writing!!! This is my work, no reposting this and my other works on any other platforms.

Kim Taehyung was born December 30, 1995 his father left him when he was 11 years old that is when Taehyung realized that love never lasts. His mother pretended that his father never existed, she quickly hid the family photos away, along with covering his tomato garden with dirt. Taehyung wanted to ask where he went but stopped wondering when he heard a few of his classmates whispering that Taehyung’s dad left them for a young woman in her twenties. 

As Taehyung grew into his teenage years he would often get asked out by his classmates, he wouldn’t decline, accepting the dates to see if he can ever fall foolishly in love like his Mom once did. However, nothing ever happened, he would kiss them goodnight but won’t call them the next day. In high school he lost his virginity at a party, he wasn’t nervous, just did things he’s seen in filthy pornorgraphy. The very next day the girl spread the rumor that Taehyung was a sex god, that he probably had sex everyday with a different people. Was that a compliment? He remembered thinking to himself as he sat in the back of the classroom, feeling people secretly stare at him. 

That day he met Jimin. Jimin was a popular boy that everyone swoon over. Of course he had a girlfriend, they have been dating since middle school. The guys would gawk at her when she would wear a sports bra to track practice. Taehyung was in art class sketching an apple, Jimin came over and talked to him as if they were friends. It was nice, Taehyung listened to Jimin complain about his art. When class was over, Jimin asked Taehyung to hang out with him after school. When Taehyung sat on Jimin’s bed, he looked over on the desk and saw a picture of Jimin and his girlfriend. Right next to it was a picture of what he assumed was Jimin’s family. A Mom, Dad, an older brother, and Jimin. He turned his gaze back to Jimin...who was undressing in front of him. Jimin’s underwear was the only thing on, Taehyung didn’t expect him to have lean muscles and define abs. An hour later  they were both breathless, exhausted from the sex. 

“ I’m not gay.” Jimin tells Taehyung as he cleans himself with a rag. 

“ Okay.” Taehyung shrugs and pulls his pants up. He’s watched gay porn and straight porn before and got turned on by both of them, so it doesn’t come to much of a surprise that he enjoyed the sex with Jimin. 

*******

Taehyung watches from afar when Jimin kisses his girlfriend in the school halls, wondering if that’s love. The next few months, Taehyung and Jimin fool around more. Jimin would call Taehyung over, then they would fuck and they would both be on their way. There were never conversations or pillow talks, until right now.

“ I’m gay.” Jimin confesses to Taehyung. 

“Cool.” Taehyung shrugs, looking for his shoes. 

“ That’s all your gonna say?” Jimin rolls his eyes grabbing his t-shirt wiping the come on his stomach. 

“ I’m bisexual, happy?” Taehyung looks at his phone and notices a missed call from his mother. He tucks his phone away, “ Why are you still with her? Your girlfriend.” He finally asks the question he’s been meaning to ask since the beginning.

“ I love her and I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t love her like that.” Jimin looks at the picture of them and flips it down, almost ashamed of how much of a coward he is. “ Plus my Dad would kill me if I told him I like men.” He throws his head back looking at the ceiling not wanting to cry his eyes out. 

Taehyung thinks love is complicated, he thinks people who are in love are selfish. They rather hurt themselves for the sake of love. It’s stupid he wants to tell Jimin that but he keeps quiet until Jimin looks at him with tears eyes. “ I don’t know what to say…”

“It’s fine...you don’t have to say anything just keep me company, yeah?” 

“ Okay,” Taehyung sits back on the bed watching but not really watching tv with Jimin. 

---

Taehyung’s mom was proud of him when he got accepted to a good college, she would brag to her friends and show pictures of his acceptance letters. Along with bragging how she raised Taehyung all by herself. Taehyung didn’t mind that he was in the spotlight, whatever made his mom happy he would comply with whatever she does. He was good with numbers so he was going to major in data analysis, he really wanted to major in art but his mom laughed in his face, telling him to be realistic. 

Taehyung is now in his third year of college, wanting to just graduate already, done with the shitload of classwork and long ass lectures. Just right now he just finished his homework that took him three hours. He’s about to call it a night until Jungkook barges in his room, yelling at him to get dressed for a party. Taehyung switches his dirty hoodie with a clean hoodie, opting out grey sweatpants with jeans. He keeps his glasses on, due to his eyes being tired and not wanting to irritate them with contacts. 

Jungkook hands Taehyung a drink, there’s obscene music, blunts being handed around, and people grinding on each other. “ When’s the last time you got laid?” Jungkook asked, as he took a gulp of his beer.

“ Last week...I think.” Taehyung searches through his mental sex list, but can’t seem to remember the girls face or name. He looks around and watches a couple argue with each other. The man rolls his eyes as the woman tries not to cry, the woman ends up leaving him and going upstairs.

“ Damn, lucky. I tried to hook up with this girl and she ended up leaving me hanging. Claimed that she’s not over her boyfriend, started crying on me when I was going down on her.” Jungkook cringes, sipping more alcohol. “ Be my wingman, yeah?” 

“ Sure,” Taehyung nods. Jungkook is talking to this pretty girl, and she laughs at every joke that Jungkook makes. Taehyung wasn’t even sure why he asked him to his wingman when Jungkook can easily get a girl to bed. Jungkook nods absentmindedly when Taehyung excuses himself, he wanders around the frat house looking at people getting wasted. Once he gets tired of it he goes upstairs, hoping to find solace in an empty room. He opens a bedroom door, and notices a girl with a pencil and notebook. “ My bad-,” Taehyung is about to close the door.

You look up from your sketchpad, you see a tall man with messy curls and glasses. “ You can stay,” you observe him, he looks like he was forced to come here. There’s no red solo cup in his hand, he looks like he hasn’t a good night's rest. Also why else would he look mindlessly into rooms, the bathroom doors have a handwritten sign stating ‘BATHROOM’, so he must be bored or something searching into bedrooms. “ Or don’t. I don’t care.” You watch him close the door, entering the room.

“ Is this your room?” Taehyung looks around the room, noticing posters of naked women and marvel posters. Weird combination he notes. Along with the dirty clothes scattered all over the floor. 

“ No,” you laugh. Shutting your notebook close, taking notice of his nice hands brushing his hair back. “ My friend’s room. I didn’t really feel like partying just decided to sketch,” you lift your pad up. He nods and sits on the bed.

“ Can I draw?” Taehyung points towards the sketchpad. He hasn’t drawn in months too busy in his schoolwork, his fingers would sometimes draw on foggy windows but nothing more. You nod tearing a piece of paper out and handing him a pencil, he thanks you. 

You were sneakily glancing at him, sketching him, his angular jaw, messing hair, uneven eyelid, long eyelashes. Getting lost at his elegant features, wondering if he knows how beautiful he looks. You shake your head for easily fawning over this man. His hands are even beautiful, they travel across the paper gracefully with each stroke. You turn your eyes away when he makes eye contact with you, cheeks getting warm. “ What’s your name?” You ask while shading the contours of his cheeks.

“ Taehyung.” He folded his paper into a small square, putting it into his pocket. “ Yours?”

“ Y/N,” you smile.

---

“ Did you get laid yesterday night?” Jungkook is shirtless with scratch marks behind his back, there’s a couple of hickies on his neck.

Taehyung takes a sip of his tea before answering, “No, just talking to some girl. Her name is Y/N.” 

“ Y/N. She’s a nice girl. One time I forgot a scantron for class and she gave me one. She’s also friends with Namjoon.” Jungkook pours himself coffee sitting next to Taehyung. “ Are you interested in her?”

Taehyung would be lying if said he wasn’t interested in you. When he entered the room he thought you were pretty and had a kind smile. “ Maybe...why?” 

“ It’s best if you don’t try to get at her. Y/N looks the type to fall in love easily.” Jungkook sighs cracking his back on the back of the chair, groaning at his achy body. Taehyung wonders how can someone fall in love easily, he’s not one to believe in love at first sight or any kind of stuff in that realm. “ Alright, I’m gonna take a quick shower and then we can leave.” 

Taehyung and Jungkook are at the library studying or trying to study, Jungkook is texting someone the whole time instead of studying for his macroeconimics test. While Taehyung is playing video games on his phone. “ Hey guys! Didn’t know you actually study Jungkook,” Namjoon jokes, ruffling Jungkook’s hair. Jungkook rolls his eyes pushing his hand off his head mumbling curse words at him. Taehyung looks to the side of Namjoon and notices you laughing as the scene unfolds. You’re carrying ice americanos and Jungkook immediately takes it out of the carrier, thanking you. 

You look at Taehyung placing one in front of him, “ I didn’t know what kind of coffee you liked.” Taehyung is wearing similar clothing to what he wore at the party, mostly muted green colors and his circle glasses, his hair is pushed back with a headband. He looks surprised to see you, but nevertheless thanks you for the coffee. The conversations between Jungkook and Namjoon get more serious when they finally decide to study for their materials. You try to study but you want to talk to Taehyung wanting to get to know him more, you nudge your foot against his leg. He looks up, looking at you in question, you nod your head towards the exit entrance, he nods slowly unsure to what you're up to but following your lead. Jungkook and Namjoon are too invested in their studying to see you and Taehyung leave. “ Do you wanna go to my apartment?”

“ Sure,” Taehyung shrugs. The apartment was small and kind of messy, you try to hurry up and toss some of the paintbrushes in the sink. There’s water cups filled with murky colors, and paint marks on the tables, he’s not used to a sight like this. In his apartment it is always clean and tidy, not a dirty plate in sight. “ You live by yourself?” he asked, placing his stuff on the table. 

“ Yeah, my roommate moved four months ago with her boyfriend.” You give up cleaning the mess since there’s too much to clean. “ Want some-” You are interrupted when you feel Taehyung’s lips on your, your hands push his chest flustered at the sudden kiss.

“ I-I- sorry...I must have read something wrong,” he looks embarrassed immediately backing up giving you space. “ I thought you invited me to your apartment for sex.” Taehyung notices how your eyes widen, fuck he feels like an ass, scared that he made you uncomfortable. “ I should go…” he goes to pick up his bags ready to bolt out.

“ I just wanted to talk...to get to know you better,” you speak before his hands grab the doorknob. “ We can paint and talk, if that's okay with you?” 

“ Are you sure? You don’t want me to leave?” 

“ Stay.” You go to the sink to wash your dirty brushes. 

Taehyung sits down looking at the wall, notices a canvas of a man, he has plump lips, gentle eyes, overall he is beautiful, something that seemed out of this world. Maybe it was the way it was painted that made it appear like that. “ You painted that?” Taehyung speaks shifting his gaze to you.

You look at where Taehyung was pointing at, it was the painting of your ex boyfriend, “ Yeah, that’s my ex boyfriend, Seokjin. The professor told us to paint the definition of love…,” you stare at Seokjin’s face, remembering the memories you shared. The brushes are all cleaned and you set them down, grabbing some water colors that are in the cabinet. 

“ Do you still love him?” Taehyung curiously asked, watching carefully at your reaction.

There’s a slight pain of thinking about him, truly not over his death. “ Yeah I’ll always have love for him…” 

Taehyung wants to ask more about him but doesn’t want to intrude, he doesn’t say anything else but paints. This is when Taehyung feels like he’s truly being himself painting, expressing himself without saying anything. Moments like these wish Taehyung would’ve chosen doing what he has a passion for insteading appealing to his mothers standards. 

“ Why are you a data analysis major?” The artwork he is doing is remarkable, there’s dark undertones and eerie about it but it is beautiful something that you have to keep staring at.

He chuckles, “ Because I need to eat.” You look down feeling a little insulted he must've noticed since he immediately apologizes. 

“ It’s okay. You know if you ever want to relax and paint, you can come here,” you continue painting small flowers. The first time, he smiles and nods his head.

---

5 months later

This is the third flower shop visited and he’s getting more tired with each second. “ This arrangement or this one?” You ask Taehyung, as you hold two bouquets. One was more filled with carnations and the other was filled with lilies. He gives it some thought before pointing at the carnations. “ This would be pretty to paint,” you smell it getting happy inside.

“ Finally, when can we eat...I didn't eat anything this morning,” his stomach growls at the thought of food. He’s still carrying the vases you bought at the thrift shop, you had to plead with you to not buy another antique mirror because he knows he would have to carry it to the apartment.

You gave the cashier the money, as he wraps the flowers in newspaper, turning your head you look at Taehyung, “ Why did you come with me if you were going to complain the whole time?” You laugh at his scrunched nose as you pinch it. The flowers are handed back and you thank the cashier, leaving with Taehyung.

“ Because I wanted to,” Taehyung shrugs. In your apartment he puts the flowers away as you cook him food, he always enjoys your cooking. When he was younger all he ever ate was ramen, never really ate some home cooked meals, his mother was always busy working trying to financially support the family so he never once asked his mom for dinner. Even at his own apartment he doesn’t eat Jungkook’s food since he doesn’t know how to cook either. Sometimes when he’s hungry he’ll just come to your apartment and you’ll be more than happy to cook for him.

When Taehyung enters his apartment Jungkook is watching anime, foot propped on the table and sipping some beer. “ Back from your girlfriends’ so soon?” 

“ Not my girlfriend but yeah, I left my schoolwork here so I had to come back,” he sighs. Taehyung doesn’t get mad when Jungkook teases him about you being his girlfriend, but he sometimes gets annoyed. He likes the friendship between the two of you, it’s different from any other friendships he had in the past. “ Tomorrow night the apartment is mine. This guy wants to hangout with me.”

“ Just say he wants to fuck you,” Jungkook yells as Taehyung closes his bedroom door. 

---

You meet Taehyung at the park with some bread, he hugs you and asks about your day. “ It was okay. Had lunch with my Dad, but it always ends up in some lecture. I swear, sometimes it feels like I’m fifteen or something,” you tear a piece of bread throwing it into the pond watching some ducks gobble it. You try to look at Taehyung but it hurts when you see some hickies on his neck. On the day you were about to confess your feelings to Taehyung you asked him if he ever loved someone, he laughed and said that he doesn’t believe in no such thing as love. As much as you wanted to disapprove of that idea, you couldn’t be the one to change it.

He grabs some bread, chucking some pieces out, “ What was the argument?”

You laugh thinking about your Dad’s red face, “ I invited him to my apartment, and he found the blunt we smoked together in the ashtray.”

“ Shit, I should’ve thrown it away,” Taehyung laughs too, pushing some of his hair back. 

“ Just glad he didn’t find any of my sex toys,” you cringe just thinking about it. You feel something tugging the end of your skirt, looking down you see a toddler smiling cheekily pointing at the bread. You smile, “ Here, have fun,” you hand him the rest of your bread. You watch him wobble as he runs to his mother throwing the whole slice in the water. 

“ Sex toys?” Taehyung asked once the child was out of sight. “ Like what?,” Taehyung is interested, he doesn’t know, maybe because he can’t imagine you using them. Or he wants to know how you use it. There were times when Taehyung wanted to have sex with you but he turned those urges off. He doesn’t want to give you mixed signals remembering Jungkook’s words of advice. “ Never-”

“ A dildo, vibrator, hitachi wand, or even my favorite pillow,” you trail off not thinking much until you realize who you are confessing to. “ I-I uh…”

“ How often?,” Taehyung asked quietly, not wanting any other people hearing the conversation. He shouldn’t get turned on but he is.

Something about Taehyung’s deep quiet voice is making you squeeze your thighs, “ Every night…” You're still looking at the pond, watching the ripples that are caused by the ducks swimming away. You can feel Taehyung's stare but you ignore it. The conversation switches to another topic when you talk about your school work. The sun sets and you both part ways.

The sound of tea kettle wakes you up from your concentration of you sketching, sighing you pour yourself the tea. Looking at your art, you turn it over not wanting to see Taehyung’s face right now. But fate has different plans when you hear knocking on the door, Taehyung appears, he lets himself in and is close to your face.

“ Taehyung?” You’re puzzled at his frazzled state, deeply staring into your eyes. 

“ Can I kiss you?” The words are quiet but firm. Stupidly you nod, not caring about any consequences. His hands cup your face, immediately going into the kiss. The kisses get deeper, his hands travel to your hips bringing you closer to him quickly, you lose friction from the fluffy socks you're wearing causing you to slip, immediately grabbing Taehyung as you fall backwards. His hands are quick to save himself from not falling onto you. There’s a slight pain on your tailbone but is immediately forgotten when Taehyung goes back to kissing you.

The big t-shirt you are wearing is tossed, his hands immediately fondle your breast, his lips leaving kisses on your neck, groaning as he pushes his bulge against your clothed core. “ Taehyung...let me touch you,” you moan when he bites your neck. He pulls back, pecking your lips before taking off his clothes. Your hands trail against his chest, his stomach, towards his pelvic, trying to remember every part of him. He is surprised to have you touching him like he was some marvel statue, usually his past hookups just rush into the sex. It’s very intimate and he doesn’t know how to feel about it.

 Taehyung groans when you touch his dick, he’s hard and wants to be inside of you already. He comes down kissing you, his hands get rid of your panties, fingers spreading your wetness. The moans you let out are turning him on even more, he stretches you out with his fingers. He likes the way your eyes flutter, the shape of your lips tremble, along with your chest inhaling and exhaling deeply. “ You are so pretty,” he doesn’t mean to say it loudly but he does. There’s a blush that blooms on your cheeks, it reminds him of the flowers you would get to study paint.

“ Taehyung,” you moan slightly flustered at his compliment. He reaches for his pants grabbing a condom. “ You don’t want to go to the bedroom?” The floor is still cold against your back, and the last time you cleaned the floor was days ago. 

Taehyung shakes head, already putting on the condom not wanting to waste time, “ Too far,” he smiles when you laugh. He enters you feeling you clench tightly around, he moans digging his head into your neck. “ You are so tight,” he groans. “ Feels so fucking good, having you like this,” he confesses.

You moan loudly, his thick cock streching “ Oh fuck, Taehyung, please just fuck me,” your hands go to his waist urging him to move. He listens to your command, thrusting slowly trying to get deep as he can. Maybe if you can close your eyes you can pretend that he’s in love with you. He goes faster and cries at the pace he’s going, the pleasure is overwhelming, something that you can’t get with your own hands. “ I’m close already,” your hand goes to tug at his wavy hair.

“ Me too,” his voice is deeper. His hand travels down to your pussy searching for your clit and rubbing it. “ Come for me,” he says into your ear. You moan his name loudly, cumming around his cock, scratching his back. The sight of you creaming around him makes him immediately come, he searches for your lips, moaning your name in the kiss. The two of you lay in the afterglow of the sex, panting loudly his body is barely being hold up, and you laying on the hard floor.

Taehyung gets up throwing his condom away, he looks at you still laying on the floor with your eyes close, the realization of him having sex with you just popped up. He hurriedly gets dressed, then helps you get dressed, he gets shocked when you kiss him as a thank you. The next morning Taehyung wakes up early, making sure to leave quietly, not wanting to disrupt your sleep.

---

You weren’t going to lie, it kind of hurt not waking up beside Taehyung but you shouldn’t have gotten your hopes up. Namjoon invites you to a kick back, only inviting a few people to his house to chill and drink. You take solace on the couch, watching people get high and drunk, you weren’t in the mood to do either so you make conversation with a slightly high Hoseok. He’s in mid-discussion about Shrek being a cinematic masterpiece, when Jungkook yells from the door entrance that he has Taco Bell. Taehyung is beside him wearing all black beanie, crewneck, and sweatpants, but still looks better than half of the people here.

 You turn your gaze back to Hoseok who’s left walking towards Jungkook immediately grabbing a taco. Sighing you decide to get fresh air, staring at the tall dark buildings. “ Whatcha you doing here by yourself? It’s fucking freezing,” Taehyung speaks out closing the slider door standing by you. He takes off his vape pen inhaling it.

“ Wanted fresh air,” you shrug, still staring at the buildings. “ Hoseok left me for tacos. He was onto something, saying that Shrek is a masterpiece. Who knows maybe he’ll write his thesis about it.” Taehyung chuckles, he keeps looking at you and you finally stare at him. “ Why’d you kiss me yesterday?”

He blows out the smoke, and puts his pen away, “ Cuz I wanted to,” he shrugs not thinking much about it. 

“ Nothing else?” You arch your eyebrow.

He continues to stare into your eyes “ Nope,” he shakes his head.  

Some part of you wanted him to say that he had feelings for you but in the back of your mind you knew that wasn’t going to happen. You smile pushing his chest, “ Well that’s the last time we are ever going to do anything like that.” The both of you know that is a lie.

---

For the next couple of months you and Taehyung continue sleeping with each other.

When you are studying with Namjoon in the library, Jungkook and Taehyung spontaneously show up, causing Namjoon to groan. “ You know you love me,” Jungkook jokingly says sitting next to him. 

Taehyung sits down next to you, looking at your classwork, “ How long have you been studying,” he whispers. 

You turn to look at the time of your phone, “ Like four hours,” you sigh. He hands you a jolly rancher, you immediately put in your mouth. “ Why are you here? You texted me that you were going to take a fat ass nap?”

“ I wanted to see you, kind of missed you,” he lays his head against the table. His eyes close when you brush his soft hair. 

“ I’ll be done in forty minutes.” He lets off a quiet okay continuing to look at you doing your work. 

Taehyung wakes up to you caressing his cheek, his neck is in pain from the awkward position he slept in. “ Where did Jungkook and Namjoon go?,” he looks at the empty seats. He tries to crack his neck and watches you pack your stuff.

“ They left about twenty minutes ago,” you get up stretching your legs. “ Let’s head home. We still have left over pizza,” you groan at the pain on your lower back. 

For some odd reason Taehyung liked hearing you say home, there’s some comfort it gives him but he never says it out loud. Taehyung grabs your backpack, holding it for you as you walk towards your car. You look in the fridge for the pizza, but Taehyung has other plans when he closes the fridge door, pinning you against it kissing you feverishly, his tongue already begging for entrance. Laughing you push him away, “ What’s gotten into you?”

“ I told you...I miss you,” his hands are on your waist. He kisses you again, picking you up easily and placing you on the kitchen table. He takes off your pants and panties, and you reach for his pants but he stops you forcing you to lie completely on the table. “ Look at you, laying so pretty on the table,” he bends down kissing you on your lips before he goes down on you. 

He licks your cunt, gently prodding his tongue up and down. Your hips move frantically wanting to feel more of him. His rough hands pin your hips, and he continues with his teasing, lightly kissing your clit before touring you with his slow pace.  “ Look at your pussy, it looks like the roses you painted yesterday…,” his finger goes up and down your folds.

The words make your cheeks grow hot, “ No it doesn’t,” you get shy shaking your head. The embarrassment fills your body, for maybe shamelessly liking his compliment. You are probably never going to look at roses the same way ever again.

“ Yeah, it does Y/N, but your pussy is more pretty,” he continues to tease you. Wanting to see you get more flustered, he likes it when you do it gets him more turned on. “ I wonder if it smells like roses too,” he’s about to smell your pussy but you hold his head. He watches you cutely shake your head. 

Taehyung is filthy but it makes you get even more aroused. “ It won’t,” you whisper, wanting to cry but he shakes his kissing the inside of your thigh to try to comfort you. 

He smells your pussy and he groans, your heart thumps faster and nervous for what's about to say, “ It smells better,” he kisses your clit. His tongue keeps tracing your folds gently wanting to make you beg for more. The movement of his tongue makes you want to pull your own hair out. The pleasure is barely there but it grows within each second of his tongue flicking up and down.

“ Taehyung,” you let out desperate whine, “ please, I need more.” One of his hands slap your cunt, and your back arches surprise but even more turned on. You never knew that you were into that. The sting hurts at first but shoots up ecstasy after a nanosecond, you can’t help but seek more. “ More!” 

Taehyung lets out a dark chuckle, he gives you another slap, slightly harder on the center of your clit, the stinging making your face scrunch up but letting out a lewd moan. He groans at your wetness seeping out some of it landing on the table.

Suddenly, he is done with all the teasing, and dives in, nose touching your clit and tongue inside your entrance going in and out. Finding it extremely hot that you are riding his face, like the pillow on your bed. Taehyung vividly remembers when you showed him how you ride your pillow last week. The way you desperately let out cute whines trying so hard to relieve yourself as Taehyung only watched, wanting to see you get off without his help. 

He moves his face side to side so his nose can rub your clit. Head in the clouds, your body is floating with ecstasy wanting to stay in it forever. Your hands reach down trying to anchor yourself, Taehyung reaches for your hand holding it tight. You cry out his name loudly, coming intensely, your eyes are shut when it doesn’t seem to stop. Your body finally calms down, looking down you see Taehyung’s face is completely wet. “ Oh my god, did I-

“ Fuck, that was hot,” Taehyung wipes his face with the back his arm. He kisses your lips, he helps you from the table, handing you your panties. 

“ Let me repay you?,” you tug at his belt loop, you look down to see the bulge is gone and there’s a wet stain. Your eyes widen, “ Did you come?”

“ Yeah, you squirting on me, made me bust a nut. I swore I never came that hard either,” he sighs happily. Laughing you go towards the fridge, finally eating the cold pizza. You hand him one and he eats it in two bites. “ My mom called me today…”

Taehyung hardly talks about his family, you only know that he was raised only by his mother. He never talked bad about her but you can tell that they didn’t have a close  relationship. “ What happened?” You and Taehyung move so you're sitting on the couch.

“ She told me that my father wanted to meet up with me,” Taehyung rolls his eyes. “ Told her that I don’t want to. She started crying and telling me that he’s my father...I sometimes think she’s still in love with him. She’s an idiot.” He lays his back staring at the ceiling.

“ Sometimes it’s hard to get over someone that you once loved. The one you shared your laughs, arguments, touches, memories...vanish into thin air... or you could hold onto it. Love isn’t easy...it’s messy, it’s confusing but it’s beautiful being able to share it with someone. Don’t you think?” You look at Taehyung’s side profile.

Taehyung turns his head looking at you, “ I don’t know...I will never fall in love. I don’t want to end up like my parents,” he closes his eyes.

“ Taehyung-“

He opens his eyes smiling, grabbing your hands, “ Let’s head to bed,” already over the conversation. 

---

Jungkook is cooking breakfast and almost burns his hand when a random girl walks out of Taehyung’s room. Immediately she exits their apartment, doing the walk of shame. Taehyung walks out shirtless with hickies on his chest and dishevelled hair. Jungkook clears his throat, “ Thought you were seeing Y/N,” he turns off the stove.

Taehyung grabs a glass of water, “ We are just friends,” he takes several gulps.

Jungkook scoffs rolling his eyes at his friend’s stupidity, “ Yeah, friends who have sex, hold hands, and almost spend every night together. My bad I forgot they changed the definition of ‘friends’ in the Webster dictionary.”

“ Whatever man...I'm out of here,” Taehyung leaves the kitchen going to his room. He looks at himself in the mirror, disgusted at his appearance, at the splotchy marks on his neck. Why am I like this? Taehyung leaves his apartment ignoring Jungkook, entering your apartment with his set of keys. He looks at you cooking pancakes, you look at him quickly and smiling.

“ Hey...you want some? It’s your favorite banana pancakes,” you flip the pancake. He looks at the big stack of pancakes you have on the table, you continue with the last couple of pancakes and sit down taking a couple of bites. You are consumed by the taste, not really focusing on Taehyung until he clears his throat, looking at him you notice marks on his neck. Your heart plummets, you thought the whole time the two of you have been messing around he wasn’t seeing anyone else. “ You hooked up with someone else yesterday?,” you set your utensils down.

Taehyung nods trying to look nonchalant, “ Yeah, is that a problem?” 

“ No,” you try to lie to yourself but it’s no use, your face looks the opposite of how you feel, disheartening, you can’t save face even if your life's on the line. Swallowing hard you shake your head, “ Actually, yes. It is a problem,” you sigh. “ I don’t understand you. You treat me like a lover, but then you do things like this…” you get up from the kitchen table tossing the plates in the sink, not caring that you didn’t finish the meal, “ I open my heart with you but you don’t do the same. I feel used in this relationship or whatever the hell this is,” your hands clenched tightly as you turn around and face Taehyung.

He’s now by the kitchen counter standing up, “ I told you I’m not looking for love. I’m sorry if I gave you mixed feelings but I don’t want this to end whatever we have with each other. I like how things are-”

You scoff, rolling your eyes at his words, “ Well I don’t...if you want to fuck around then do it... I’m not going to care for you like I love you anymore.” The angry tears stream down your face, your hands wipe them before he could, “ Go Taehyung. I wish you the best,” his face is etched with subtle pain, turning away from him you wash the dishes not bothering to look at the sound of him leaving.

---

Three days later

Taehyung hasn’t been sleeping well, tossing and turning, giving up completely and decides to study all night long. This has been a daily occurrence since the fight with you. I’m not going to care for you like I love you anymore. Taehyung groans, wanting to get the image of you out of his brain. Jungkook knocks on his door, eyes widening at the sight of him, “ You look like shit, c’mon Namjoon is having another get together.”

When Taehyung shows up to the party he watches you have a conversation with Hoseok, from a far distant, unsure how you would react if you saw him. Taehyung waits till Hoseok leaves, walking towards you as you are on your phone texting someone. He watches you jolt as he calls your name. “ Hey,” you greet him but there’s no smile or warmth like you usually greet. And he hates it, it makes him feel like a stranger.

“ About the last time, I’m sorry that we got into an argument,” Taehyung apologizes, he tucks his hands in his pockets, a nervous tick he developed when he was elementary. 

“ Ok,” you nod your head, not wanting to discuss something so private in a social setting. “ I should get going, I got a research paper to go over,” you give him one last glance and leave, not saying goodbye to anyone else.

Taehyung doesn’t like the way your back faces him, leaving him all alone with a place full of people. He pushes against people not wanting to let you go so easily, he wants to talk to you, he wants to hear you talk. He wants to lay in your bed and listen to your heart beat while you stroke his hair, letting him fall asleep in your arms. You're opening your car door, and you halt when he calls your name, you wait patiently for what he’s going to say. Please stay.  “ I-I uh...I wish you the best, Y/N” Taehyung says. He watches you give him one last small smile and drive away. 

---

Six months later

Taehyung hates visiting his mother, there’s always something unsettling when he enters his childhood home. As soon as greets his mother she comments about his weight, his slightly long wavy hair, and baggy clothes. She doesn’t ask him college, she never does. Instead he listens to her talk about her work. “ I told your father that you're in town,” she says over the sound of the faucet. Taehyung nods, handing her the dirty dishes, “ I told him you are free tomorrow, you are going to visit him at IHOP,” she leaves no room for argument. 

The sun wakes up Taehyung before his alarm does, he doesn’t really put in effort to look nice but when his mother gives him a look, he changes into something more appropriate. Maybe if Taehyung was in middle school he would be nervous meeting his father but now that he’s an adult he couldn’t care less. It takes him a while to find his father, he looks older from his adolescent years, has a few gray hairs and slightly wrinkled skin. His father stands up, and Taehyung immediately holds his hand out giving him a handshake not wanting to receive an awkward hug. His father looks surprised but compiles, awkwardly laughing and sits down taking a gulp of his hot black coffee. “ I ordered your favorite,” his father points to the triple drizzle chocolate milkshake with a red cherry on top that is set in front of Taehyung. “ How are you kiddo? You look so grown up, your mother has been feeding you well, huh?”

“ Yup.” Taehyung looks at the red cherry. 

There’s too much uncomfortable tension, and his father is letting more awkward coughs to try to fill the silence. “ Almost done with college, yeah? Just three more months, and you gotta face the real world,” his father comments.

Taehyung has been facing the real world since he was a teenager, he worked when he was in highschool to pay for college, he cooked his own dinner because his mother always came home late, he didn’t need to graduate college to find out the world was shitty. “ Yeah.”

His father tries really hard to have some sort of conversation with his son.“ You still like to paint?”

Taehyung smiles, getting reminded of you. He wonders what you are doing right now, if you are painting the canvas he bought you when you guys were friends. “ No. I mean yeah, sorta. I painted with this girl, she made me fall back in love with painting but I did something horrible to her. Now I can’t paint without thinking about her,” he sighs. 

There’s surprise etched on his father’s face, since more than a word came out of his son’s mouth. “ Seems like a very important person to you. You should talk things out with her, don’t want to lose someone like that.” 

Taehyung rolls his eyes, “ Why? You did the same thing to us.”

“ Taehyung-”

“ You really fucked me up father, I hate that you and mom made me this way. I want to love her but I’m scared...what if she ends up leaving me like you did. I rather be alone for the rest of my life than to have someone steal a part of me,” Taehyung grits his teeth.

“ I-I I’m sorry Taehyung...I really am. I hate myself everyday for not visiting you, I should’ve been there for you...Your mother and I once loved each other but sometimes people fall out of love, but that doesn’t mean love is evil. Don’t give up on love because of our failed marriage, son, you deserve to be in love.”

---

One week later

“ Fuck, watch where you going asshole,” you yell at the asshole who wasn’t paying attention that made you drop all of your art supplies. He doesn’t even bother apologizing, just continues to walk with his friends. You pick up your pencils, someone helps you pick up your other materials. “ Thank-” you stop midway when your eyes are met with Taehyung. He hands you the sketchpads, you quickly put it in your bag, “ Thanks.”

“ No problem. You just got out of class?,” he asked intently looking at you.

His hair is pushed back by his headband, showing his forehead, he’s wearing his usual baggy grandpa clothes. It makes your heart flutter, but you quickly push the feeling away. “ Yeah, but I have to go back to pick up my two pieces,” you shrug. 

“ You need a hand?” He offers with a careful smile.

You contemplate, you don’t want to make two trips, “ If you’re not busy…”

He eagerly shakes his head. “ I’m not, let me help.” Taehyung follows you to the art room, and picks up the pieces easily despite it being large canvases. There’s silence when you are done putting it in your car. 

“ Thank you,” you give him a grateful smile. “ Do you need to ride home?”

Taehyung took his car to campus but he lies, he accepts your offer in hopes that you guys can talk things over. The radio is on low, and Taehyung is almost near his apartment, “ I lied I don’t need a ride,” he starts off and you let out a surprise laugh.

“ Why are you just telling me now?,” you are about two minutes from the destination. 

“ I wanted to talk to you about what happened to us-”

You sigh, not wanting to reopen bandage wounds on your heart, “ Taehyung, I’m over it-” 

His head turns to face you, “ I love you. I think I always loved you since we became friends. I was scared to tell you because it was something so new for me...I was selfish, I thought that everything we had was fine but I never took your feelings into consideration.” He’s breathing really hard because he finally confessed his heart out, something he vowed he’ll never do since he was a child. 

“ Why? Why now?,” you swallow hard, not looking at him but only the road. Scared that if you look into his eyes, you’ll get lost into them. 

“ It took me a while to come in terms with how I am feeling. Because love is messy right?,” his voice cracks.

The car is now parked in his driveway, “ Yeah, it is.” Turning to finally face him, he has little tears in his eyes that haven’t fallen. “ I still love you, Taehyung,” your hand touches his soft cheek, caressing it. Taehyung leans closer to you and you close your eyes expecting a kiss, instead he sobs against your neck. Feeling wet tears against your neck, you try to coddle him but the tight space in the car is not giving you any room to do so. “ Tae, why are you crying?,” you comb the back of his curls.

Taehyung pulls away giving you a tearful smile, “ Because for the first time in my life I know what love is.”

end.

[kakiwrites]

seeing a whole different captain

Genre: crack and fluff

A Kita shinsuke x reader

Synopsis: what happens when Suna and the other members of Inarizaki see their captain being soft with the love of his life.

a/n: hey guys! I'm writing this after finishing season 4 because suna's little monologue about wanting to find some blackmail on Kita to tease him just spoke to me lolol anyways, hope you guys enjoy it!

 Suna didn't expect to see this.

 But he can't say that he didn't like it.

 The second-year watched from the cracked door as you sat on his usually cold captain's lap, engrossed in your voice. His hands ran up and down your hip warmly as you talked about what you wanted to do today joyously.

 "what are ya doing standing there, suna-" Atsumu tried to call out but not before suna slapped his hand over the setter's mouth. Atsumu pried it off and was about to yell at him again but suna's hands were quicker as he grabbed Atsumu from the back of his head then pulled him to look at the crack. The setter was rendered speechless at the sight of Kita's radiating grin as he stared lovingly at you.

 "you know eavesdropping is bad-" Aran's words died in his mouth as he looked into the room. How did you do that? How did you bring out the soft side of their captain?

 Suna took out his phone and started recording. This was the blackmail he was waiting for. He finally found Something to finally tease and ridicule him for. Nobody in the hallway objected to his action. They wanted to remember this day forever.

 Especially if they were gonna freeze to death as soon as Kita found out.

 Soon, the rest of the team gathered at the door, shoving each other to try and see the impossible. "get out of the way, 'Samu!" Atsumu whispered-yelled, pushing his brother's head out of the way.

 Osamu pushed the faux blonde away from him, causing a brawl. The others tried to calm the twins down in fear of getting caught. "pull them away." Omimi whispered, trying to grab onto Atsumu's shirt to pry him off his twin.

 The commotion reached the other side of the door. Your eyes moved from Kita's chocolate eyes to the door in question. Kita did the same, his once undivided attention finally broken as he glared at the noise in the hallway. "let me check it out, darling." he said, steering your head to look at him before he took your hand kissed it. He then placed you down on the bench beside him carefully then walked over to the door then opened it swiftly to see the team like deer in the headlights. Suna closed and pocketed his phone when he saw his captain's blank expression.

 "what are you all doing in the hallway?" Kita asked sternly, making the atmosphere tenser than it was. Everyone looked at each other nervously then looked back at their unwavering captain, his arms crossed across his chest. He stared daggers at them, stares like kita's could bring grown men to tears.

 Before any one of the third years could confess, Atsumu got the courage to move from his position and stood up to come face to face with Kita himself. He looked up at him, seemingly ready to confess but instead of a mature confession, Atsumu yelled out one thing.

 "scatter!"

 And scatter the volleyball team did, running down the hallway as fast as they could. Kita could only let out a sigh before closing the door again.

 "Everything okay, shin?" you approached the male, wrapping your arms around his neck. Kita eased into your touch, his hands resting on your hips once again.

 "everything is great. I'll see the boys in a little bit at the gym anyway," he said with a smile. His hand brushed your hair away before caressing your soft cheek. "may I kiss you, darling?"

 "you don’t even have to ask," you said before pulling his face down to meet your lips. Kita's lips melted against yours.

 Kita was glad that he could kiss his girlfriend without any prying eyes.

 And don't worry, the second Kita walked into the gym, he became extra cold to the team and made them run three extra laps for eavesdropping.

 And that's all. My brain just conjured it up and I'm kinda lazy to proofread this fully so if there are any mistakes please forgive me! Please don't be shy to leave requests in my inbox! Love you guys 💕💖❤️

General taglist (don’t be shy to comment your tumblr @ below): @tokyoghoose @macaronnv @reogou @midnightangelfox @wumboho @seiijixcia

[blackradandmad]

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

[i-am-bitterly-jittery]

Simply Meant To Be (pt 1)

An expansion on this soulmate blurb (no Virgil in this one though)

[part 2]

Rating: teen

Word Count: 2130

Pairings: Roceit, Intrulogical

Warnings: minor swearing

~~~START~~~

Roman is a romantic, that’s just a fact. He loves love. Any day he gets to watch two soulmates meet each other is automatically a good day. The second best day of his life was getting to watch Remus meet their soulmate when they were sixteen. The best day of his life is reserved for when he meets his own soulmate. 

It hasn’t happened yet, but it will. One day. 

For now, Roman is content with being colorblind (well not content, but he’s learned to not let it bother him too much). Remus and Logan are actually a huge help with that. Logan has even gone as far as to make a list of all of Roman’s clothing and includes a chart of what pieces do and do not go together based on Remus’ (admittedly professional) opinions, and Remus actually went through and labeled all of Roman’s makeup with what color it is and what kind of look it should go with. 

Anyone who vaguely knew the twins might think that Remus would use this opportunity to mess with Roman, but Remus knows how much Roman hates being colorblind; they would never lie to Roman about colors — about other things? Sure, but not colors. 

Remus and Logan met when Logan moved to their school from Georgia. One day Remus had claimed that there was a trail of color — they would later learn that it was navy blue, Logan’s soon-to-be favorite color — leading from the parking lot, to the main office, to the east wing. They’d chosen to skip first period in order to follow it, having never seen the trail before, and Roman, being unwilling to miss the opportunity to watch his brother meet their soulmate, followed him. Remus had walked right into a physics classroom, and straight for a boy with short curls and thick glasses that Roman had never seen before and declared him their soulmate. 

Roman got detention for skipping first period, Remus got a pass on account of meeting their soulmate. 

Most people met their soulmates before they turned twenty-five, after all, how difficult can it be when all you have to do is find the trail of color they leave behind them everywhere they go and follow it?

Well, as Roman has learned in his thirty-five years of being alive, it can be pretty freaking difficult. 

As children, Roman and Remus had wandered their town far and wide looking for colorful trails, and even after they met Logan, Remus continued to go with Roman as he searched, even if they couldn’t see Roman’s soulmate’s trail themself. As soon as Roman graduated from high school, he took the customary gap year that most everybody who hadn’t met their soulmates yet takes to search for their soulmates. 

He never caught a glimpse of anything. 

“What if I missed them somehow? What if I saw their trail and just didn’t realize it?” Roman whines one day at his usual Saturday brunch — because they’re adults goddammit — with Remus and Logan. 

“You wouldn’t have missed them, Ro bro,” Remus assures him as they do every time Roman starts lamenting about having not met his soulmate yet. “Colors are so unmistakable that there’s no way you’ll miss them.”

“And even if you are genetically colorblind — which is unlikely considering Remus is not,” Logan continues before Roman has a chance to respond. “I have read multiple papers that state that soultrails will still make themselves distinct. There are multiple accounts of the trails emitting light, absorbing light, or even emitting sound. All of that is, of course, on top of the translucent cloud that follows your soulmate’s every move. I find it improbable that you, of all people, would not have noticed a soultrail.”

“Yeah, I know you guys are right,” Roman sighs. “I just want to meet them! I’ve travelled all over the place looking for them, where are they?”

Remus says nothing, which Roman is grateful for because Remus has a habit of saying dark jokes in an attempt to lighten the mood, and Roman really doesn’t need to hear them suggest that his soulmate died in a car crash or something right now. Besides, the question is rhetorical. If Remus could see Roman’s soulmate’s trail, then he’s sure they would have spent the last nineteen years looking for them too. 

“Sorry, I guess I brought the mood down,” Roman apologizes. “How are you guys?”

Remus opens their mouth.  

“The PG version, please!” Roman rushes to say before Remus can mentally scar him. Again. 

Remus closes their mouth again. 

Logan rolls his eyes fondly and proceeds to get Roman up to date on all the high school gossip. 

“- and of course the middle school’s robotics instructor left suddenly to follow her soulmate to England, so I have taken over as their advisor until a suitable replacement can be hired.”

“How is that?” Roman asks, cringing at the thought of having to deal with middle schoolers. Kids in general kind of freak him out, but middle schoolers especially. 

“It has been fine, they are not as adept as my high school students, but of course for many of them this is their introduction to such things, so I’m trying to be patient and supportive.”

Roman snorts at that. He’s sure Logan is a good teacher, but his brother-in-law can be a bit short tempered, and has a habit of talking down to people who don’t understand what he’s trying to tell them. 

“Don’t laugh at him!” Remus jumps in to defend their soulmate. “Logan’s great with kids, it’s adults he has a problem with.”

“They are much too old to be as ignorant as they are,” Logan defends himself resolutely. 

“Of course they are, Sugar Butt.” Logan cringes slightly at the pet name, which is really all Remus is ever looking for with their pet names. 

“Anyway,” Logan says, somewhat forcefully. “There is one student who seems to know what he is doing, but he doubts himself at every turn. I have tried telling him that he is doing everything correctly, but he is… reluctant to trust himself.”

“Maybe as the year goes on he’ll gain confidence,” Remus suggests. Logan hums in acknowledgment, and Roman takes that as the end of talking about Logan’s students. “Oh! Ro bro! Did you hear the theater got a new makeup artist?”

“Finally!” Roman groans, thinking back on their last makeup artist. “I swear Lisa was trying to poke my eyes out every time she did my eyeliner!”

“Oh she probably was,” Remus comments offhandedly. “I told her — back when she first started with the theater — that you thought that makeup artisting was a waste of time.”

“WHAT!?” Roman screeches, gaining the attention of the staff and other patrons. 

“Roman,” Logan warns, growing uncomfortable under the curious stares. 

“How could you do that to me?” Roman hisses at a much quieter volume. “I never said that! She hated me for five years because of you!”

Remus shrugs, slurping the end of their drink through their straw loudly. 

“You better not make the new artist hate me!”

“I would never!” Remus gasps, clutching their heart dramatically. 

Roman glares. 

“Cross my heart!” Remus insists with a much too innocent expression. 

“I hate you.”

Remus just gasps again before dissolving into uncontrollable giggles. 

 ~~~

There isn’t rehearsal on Sunday, so Roman doesn’t have to go in to work. Unfortunately, he is saddled by the knowledge that Remus — as the theater’s costume designer — does have to go in today, and therefore has a whole day to lie to the new makeup artist about him. 

Come Monday, all Roman can do is hope that Remus hasn’t done irreparable damage. 

“Calm down,” Remus orders when they come to pick Roman up. “They weren’t even in yesterday; I haven’t met them yet.”

“I’m not letting you ruin my relationship with the makeup artist again,” Roman pouts. 

“Just try and stop me!” Remus cackles. 

Once they reach the theater, Roman practically jumps from the car before Remus has even parked. 

“REAL MATURE!” Remus yells after him as he sprints for the theater door. 

“THIS ONE IS GOING TO LIKE ME!” Roman yells back. 

“NOT IF I MEET THEM FIRST!”

Roman skids to a stop as soon as he reaches the lobby. Not expecting their twin to just be standing there, Remus slams into his back, throwing them both to the ground. 

“The fuck, Ro Bro?” Remus demands as they flop off their brother and onto their back. 

“I-I see it,” Roman whispers, voice filled with wonder. 

“See what?” Remus demands. “The lobby? You’ve seen the lobby bef-oh!”

The awestruck look on Roman’s face finally clicks, and Remus bounces excitedly. 

“You see it? Like it it?” Remus scrambles to their feet, dragging Roman up with them. “Where? Which way does it go?”

“It looks like how the sun feels,” Roman says instead of answering. “All light and warm and good.”

“Roman Kingsley you tell me which way your soulmate went this instant!” Remus demands loudly. This is important dammit!

“It goes from there,” Roman points to the side door that’s usually used by staff that take the bus to work. “To there,” the door leading backstage. 

“Excellent!” Remus cheers dragging Roman forward. “Time for your date with destiny!”

Remus throws the backstage door open dramatically, but Roman groans as he realizes that his soulmate’s trail is going in literally every direction, making it impossible to know which way they went last. 

“Well?” Remus asks expectantly. 

“Either my soulmate is familiarizing themself to the theater, or they knew I’d be here and are trying to spite me,” Roman answers somewhat dejectedly. “I can’t tell which trail is freshest.”

“Well shit.” Remus scans each entry as though Roman’s soulmate will just happen to wander in (plausible, considering they’ve trailed all over the theater). 

“Hey guys!” A voice calls from by the dressing rooms. The brothers turn to find Thomas, the owner of the theater and their boss. 

“Thomas!” Remus cries gleefully. “My absolute favoritest person in the world behind my incredibly sexy soulmate!”

“Okay, so you want something,” Thomas answers with an amused grin. Remus always piles on the compliments when they want something.

“Who’s new today?” Roman asks, more to the point. 

“Like, in the theater?” Thomas asks. “Just Janus, the new makeup artist. Why?” Thomas’s eyes widen as if he’s just had a realization. “You’re not going to prank him or something, are you? He’s very talented, I can’t have you scaring him away already!”

“Roman’s soulmate is the new makeup artist? Lame,” Remus pouts. “How am I supposed to trick him into hating Roman?”

“Soulmate?”

“My soulmate is in the building, Thomas!” Roman declares, striking a dashing pose before deflating a little. “Except his trail leads all over the place, I don’t know where he went!”

“Oh… well,” Thomas looks to each direction Janus could have gone, but he clearly doesn’t know which way Janus would have gone. “He said he wanted to get a lay of the land before everyone got here…”

“I got this!” Remus pipes up suddenly before cupping their hands around their mouth like a megaphone and screaming at the top of their lungs. “JANUS!”

“What?” A faint, far-off voice calls back, followed but the sound of hurried footsteps. “Thomas?”

“Dressing rooms!” Thomas calls back. 

Footsteps thunder down the stairs, and all too soon a man appears on them. 

The first time you lay eyes on your soulmate, you begin to see the world in color. Everyone’s experience is different: Remus said that as soon as he laid eyes on Logan, the world exploded violently into vibrant shades. Logan said that colors appeared one at time, quickly, but slow enough for him to notice. Roman’s mom said that her soulmate’s trail swelled to fill the space before things slowly began to take on their proper color, and his mama said that it was almost like everything had always had color, she just hadn’t bothered to notice before. 

For Roman, the man before him is painted in vibrant shades while the background remains in grayscale, but as soon as the man makes eye contact, his colors begin to slowly bleed throughout the space. 

The man’s eyes widen as he stares, slack-jawed at Roman — no doubt mirroring Roman’s own expression. 

“I’m Roman,” Roman says quickly, before Remus can forever ruin his first meeting with his soulmate by making a dick joke or something. 

The man smiles and Roman immediately decides that his favorite color is whatever this guy’s eyes are — they’re hazel, but Roman will later change his favorite color to red after realizing how stunning and bold the color is when it isn’t just another shade of gray. 

“Janus.”

~~~TO BE CONTINUED~~~

General Taglist:

@royalty-of-all-things-snuggly

@pixelated-pineapple

[freddyfreebat]

Jack Dylan Grazer Discovers Who He Is in Luca Guadagnino's “We Are Who We Are”

After supporting roles in the It and Shazam!, the young actor shifts gears with his turn as a capricious army brat in the Call Me By Your Name director's new HBO series.

by Iana Murray / Photography by Nik Antonio  —  September 14, 2020

A few years ago, Jack Dylan Grazer took a trip to the movie theater. He was in Toronto and it was one of his days off from filming Shazam!, the DC comedy in which he plays the shape-shifting hero’s foster brother. He decided to watch Call Me By Your Name, and he immediately fell for it. Grazer took note of the director’s name that appeared in the credits—Luca Guadagnino—and turned to his mother.

“I want to work with him,” he told her. With eerie prescience, she assured him: “You will.”

Whether Grazer, now 17, has a knack for manifestation, or it was all just happenstance, his wish came true in the form of We Are Who We Are, Guadagnino’s coming of age drama which follows a group of army brats living on an American military base in Italy. Thematically, the show is something of a spiritual successor to Call Me By Your Name: Grazer plays Fraser, a tempestuous 14-year-old with a pair of headphones constantly plugged in his ears. He’s the new arrival at the base with his mothers (Chloë Sevigny and Alice Braga), and quickly forms a deep bond with his neighbour, Caitlin (Jordan Kristine Seamon), as they both wrestle with their sexuality and identity in the midst of domestic troubles and teenage debauchery.

“He’s an enigma to himself,” Grazer says of his character. “He doesn’t really understand a lot of the things he does but he’s so forthright so he convinces himself that he knows everything. He feels like other people don’t deserve his intelligence. But he’s also very volatile and aggressive at times, and not because he’s coming from an angry place but because he’s constantly questioning who he is.”

If Fraser is just beginning his coming of age when we first meet him, Grazer is inching closer to the end. Starring in enormous blockbusters including IT, he became the Loser Club’s resident hypochondriac at age 12 and a superhero’s sidekick by 15. His films have grossed a combined total of over $1.5 billion. Suddenly the stakes are multiplied tenfold during what are ostensibly, and horrifyingly, the most awkward years of your life. Every misstep is now being monitored, examined through a microscope of millions. (See: His 3.8 million fans on Instagram, to say nothing of the countless stan accounts.) Child fame is a disarming transaction like that: a stable career and all the other perks of being a celebrity, but at the cost of normalcy. That unalleviating pressure forces a kid to mature fast.

Grazer is acutely aware of this fact, admitting outright that he’s “not a normal person.” But he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I became 70 when I was 7!” he laughs. “I don’t know if I really had much of a childhood. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to grow up really fast.”

Nevertheless, he’s still 17. When we meet over Zoom, his shoulder length curls are damp and disheveled (he just got out of the shower), his black painted fingernails contrast with his brightly-lit, white bedroom as he rests his face on his hand. It’s a Saturday morning and he looks tired: It’s his first week back at school, which has traded classrooms for hours of video calls reminiscent of the one we’re currently on. “It feels like the days are shorter because the teachers don’t want to torture their students by keeping them on a computer for six hours a day,” he tells me. “You do miss the social aspect of being at school.”

If you were to judge Grazer by what’s out there on the internet, you’d expect an anarchic and relentless bundle of energy. A quick YouTube search brings up results like “jack dylan grazer being a drama queen” and “jack dylan grazer being chaotic in interviews for 4 and a half minutes straight.” He trolled a YouTube gamer on Instagram Live. His TikToks are inscrutable.

But here, he’s incredibly earnest, as he excitedly talks about his skateboarding hobby (a skill he picked up after auditioning for Mid90s) and his attempts to learn the flute (“I need to learn how to read sheet music, but it’s like reading Hebrew!”). He’s calm and thoughtful, as if this project we’re discussing requires a shift in sensibility.

For Grazer, acting had always simply been fun. While other kids might take up a sport or get hooked on video games, he performed in musical theater with the Adderley School because he “just wanted to play.” His roles so far have been reflective of his carefree approach to the job: Up until now, he’s portrayed best friends with biting one-liners, or the younger version of the protagonist in a flashback. IT is a prime example of both. In the horror franchise, Grazer plays a neurotic germaphobe running from a fear-eating clown, but in reality, the film felt like “summer camp.” Both films never felt like work; he just learned his lines and got to hang out on extravagant sets with his best friends. Likewise, school amounted to being pulled off set by a teacher in between takes to cram in the mandatory hours.

But with We Are Who We Are, he steps into his first leading role, one that required him to convey longing and confusion through Elio-like physicality and subtext. It’s abnormal to talk about the show as a turning point for an actor who isn’t even a legal adult yet, but Grazer explains that the show required him to radically change his approach to acting. He spent six months in Italy (“It felt like I was in Call Me By Your Name.”) and built up the character beyond what was on the page in collaboration with Guadagnino. “His philosophy is that we know our characters better than anyone else—even the writers—because we are the characters essentially,” he explains.

In many ways, Grazer absorbed that philosophy entirely. He describes the experience less as a performance and more like a “rebirth”—perhaps even an attempt at method acting. Over those months in Italy, the distinctions between actor and character gradually became indistinguishable. “I had no other choice but to act and surrender to Fraser entirely and throw Jack Dylan Grazer out the window,” he says. “I would go out and get a coffee as Fraser and walk like Fraser. That was just me trying to get into [character], but then I slipped at some point and just became Fraser.”

One day on set, he looked at himself in the mirror, and the hardened kid standing there with a bleach-blond dye job and oversized shorts was unrecognizable to him. He could only see Fraser. While talking about his character, he seems to unintentionally switch pronouns, from “he” to “I”, as if the two still remain one and the same.

The process was so transformative that it forced him to re-evaluate himself entirely. “I never really struggled with identity before,” Grazer tells me. “But I think the show opened up my eyes to question myself. Being Fraser forced me to question what I wanted and what I stood for and what I believed in. At some points, the show bled into reality.”

When asked how he has changed, he takes a pause and a pensive swivel in his armchair, unsure of how to answer. “I think I was more ignorant before I did the show,” he says, and he leaves it at that.

Coming of agers are a particularly well-trodden genre, but there’s a naturalistic, raw energy to We Are Who We Are that is distinctive from what we’ve seen before. Each character quietly struggles with their own problems and growing pains—for Fraser, it’s his sexuality. Caught in a fraught relationship with his lesbian mother and an infatuation with another man, his story doesn’t tick off the familiar beats. His personal discovery is instead internal and intimate. "I think every single person born as a boy has this guard. It’s this guard that they don’t even realize they have, where they’re initially like, ‘Being gay? I could never.’ But we’re all born as humans who are attracted to whatever we’re attracted to," he says. "I think that’s how Fraser interprets it as well. Yes, he’s reserved and nervous about it in the beginning because he’s unlocking this new idea for himself. He’s figuring it out, and that’s what you see in the show: him coming to terms with this idea."

As our conversation winds to a close, I ask him if Martin Scorsese ever visited the set—his daughter, Francesca, plays the confident cool girl of the show’s teen cohort—and his eyes widen. “That was actually a really stressful day,” he divulges. Still, he revels in the memory, speaking so fast it’s like someone has put him on 2.5x speed as he shows off his impersonation of Guadagnino. The director was so nervous about Scorsese’s presence that production halted that day.

“Luca was like, ‘I cannot do this today because Martin Scorsese is on my set. I don’t know what to do, this is not good for me. I will have a panic attack before the day ends,’” Grazer says in his best Italian accent. “It’s like if you’re a painter and Van Gogh shows up.” 

Admittedly, Grazer is also a self-proclaimed superfan of the Wolf of Wall Street director, and afterwards, he got to spend several days with his idol, as they went on lavish restaurant outings in Italy and talked about anything and everything.

He takes a second to compose himself. A giddy, Cheshire cat smile spreads across his face. The kid in him comes flooding back.

“...Oh my god!” he yells. “I met Martin Scorsese!”

[yuta-nakamots]

crush - n.jm

Pairing - Jaemin x Reader

Genre - High School!AU, Fluff, Angst

Warnings - None (if you feel that I should add a warning please lmk)

Summary - Na Jaemin was the boy who had protected you from bullies, let you copy his homework, shared his snacks with you, and practically doted on you like a mother. It would only make sense for you to develop a crush on him though not all loves are meant to last, especially when your overbearing feelings crush themselves.

Word Count - 5.3k

A/N - Bolded phrases are song lyrics taken from Crush by Tessa Violet.

Taglist - @ukiyoneo​ @badwithten @yasmini24 @luvlyjaemin​ @jimjamjaemin​ @loeygotospacenow

Written for the Summertime Tunes Collab hosted by @mismatchmark​ and @croissanct​. Also part of the NeoWinter Festival hosted by @czennienet​.

Song: Crush by Tessa Violet. Color - Pink.

“I swear the answer for the last question was the Mandela effect,” you exclaimed, “you know, the one where you think you remember something but it’s totally different?”

Jaemin’s infectious laugh filled the interior of the car. “No no no, I think you’re mistaken,” he wagged a finger at you without taking his eyes off the road, “the question wasn’t asking about the memory of an individual, it was asking about the memory of a group, like a large mass of witnesses to a crime.”

A cold wave of despair hit you when you realized that you utterly screwed up on the largest question on your first exam of senior year. It was such an easy question yet you carelessly answered it, just wanting to go home as soon as the bell rang. That and getting to be with Jaemin, whom you’ve been crushing on since sophomore year.

You and Jaemin actually hadn’t become friends on your own terms. The two of you first met as freshmen and had to work on a group project in history together and that’s when you got his number. You didn’t talk to him for the rest of the year though. Then in sophomore year, again, you had the luck of being with him for a project, though this time it was just the two of you and it was for chemistry instead.

“Ooh, let’s do an experiment with salt,” Jaemin suggested as you gave him a questioning look, “it’s part of my nickname.”

“What? Salt? People call you salt?” You were utterly at a loss for words.

He shook his head, “no, didn’t you know? My nickname is Nana, from Na Jaemin...like N-A? Salt? Get it?”

You let out a slight wheeze when you understood what he was getting at. “Yeah, okay, we can do one with salt as long as it’s not too complicated.”

He had chosen to do an experiment on finding what method of food preservation kept produce fresh the longest, and salt was one of them. Your classmates ended up choosing your project as the most creative since they were all amused by the way Jaemin had placed pictures of himself around the section of the presentation board relating to the effectiveness of the salt treatment.

Ever since then, whenever there was a project in any of the classes you shared with Jaemin, he’d always gravitate towards you and ask you to be his partner. Eventually, after being assigned a large physics project, the two of you were deciding whose house to do the experiment at, and after sharing addresses, both of you realized that you lived only two blocks away from each other.

Just to keep things safe, it was agreed that the experiment would be done at Jaemin’s house under the supervision of his older brother who majored in something in the science field and volunteered to look after you guys and make sure no one died. The walks to his house weren’t awkward, in fact, they were quite fun and interesting considering how talkative Jaemin was. Even after your project was completed, he’d continue walking with you since your house was on the way to his.

In junior year, the two of you drifted apart as you both found your own friend groups and started hanging out with them more but in senior year, Jaemin pulled you both back together when he called you in the morning to ask if you’d like a ride to school.

“I mean, yeah sure I guess.” You had responded as you finished packing your bag. What you expected was for him to pull up in the passenger seat of his brother’s black car, the loud J-Rock music vibrating the frame of it. What you didn’t expect was for Jaemin to be the one driving the car, his older brother nowhere in sight. “Y-you can drive?!”

“Yeah, got my license over summer.” He replied nonchalantly, taking a bite of a small sandwich wrapped in Starbucks napkins. “My brother graduated early and went to Japan for grad school so he said I can use his car once I get licensed. Pretty cool, right?”

When you finally looked at him after getting into the passenger seat, you realized just how much he was starting to change. You had noticed his voice getting lower and the way his shoulders seemed to be broader but now even his face seemed to be slightly sharper and more mature. “Hey, answer me,” he said, interrupting your trance, “just because my brother’s gone doesn’t mean you can give me those sad eyes because you had a crush on him and didn’t get the chance to tell him.”

“I do not have a crush on your brother,” you began as Jaemin drove you to school, “that’s so gross, he’s like a whole five years older than me.”

“Mmhmm, I literally heard you tell June that you liked him.”

“I didn’t, I swear.” The truth is, the day he had heard you, you were telling your friend June about your crush on Jaemin before your shared trigonometry class and he had just so happened to come into the classroom early that day and overheard the tail end of it where his name was mentioned. June had covered it up by saying that you had a crush on his older brother, which you went along with since you didn’t want Jaemin to know that it was actually him that you were talking about. Hopefully one day you’d get to tell him this story and laugh about how childish you were, but for now, you kept to yourself.

From that day on, Jaemin made sure to take you to school and back once the day was over, insisting that it only makes sense since your houses are so close to each other. It’s not like you were really complaining though because it meant more time for you to be with him.

A week before homecoming, Jaemin came to pick you up in the morning as usual, his car slick from the morning dew that was on the roads. He waved at you as you came down your driveway, unlocking the door for you. “How’s my princess doing on this fine morning?” He asks once you open the door and place your bag inside.

“Tired.” You state plainly. “Nearly slept through my alarm.”

“Would you like some coffee?” He looks down at his coffee that blends in with the black coloring of the console and seats. You make a face of disgust at him, scrunching up your nose and mocking the action of vomiting. “Alright, okay, I get it.” He laughs out as you buckle yourself in.

After you were comfortably seated in Jaemin’s car, there was a calming silence as he pulled away from the curb and navigated his way out of your neighborhood. The silence was only broken when he stopped under a fresh red light, prepared to wait for a bit. “So the homecoming dance is coming up,” you let out a short hum to acknowledge him while scrolling through social media, “do you have someone that you’re planning on going with?”

You shook your head, “I have someone in mind but I don’t know if they’d want to go with me.”

“Oh, who is it?” Jaemin asks as the light turns green, signaling for him to make the pass through the intersection.

“It’s you.” Turning to look at him, you see his eyebrows furrowed and his lips pursed together. “Would you like to go with me to the homecoming dance?” The mere seconds it took him to respond to your question felt like hours but you didn’t mind, not when he looked so handsome and relaxed in the driver’s seat, one hand on the wheel, the other resting on the center console.

You make it difficult to not overthink

His hesitation was evident but eventually, he replied, “sure, I’ll go with you.”

The dress you wore was a pretty shade of pink, one that complemented your skin tone nicely and Jaemin wore a matching pink button-down shirt paired with black ripped jeans which you were sure he stole from his brother’s closet. Your friends nicely complimented your outfits and asked when the two of you would be official, at which both of you replied “it’s not like that” or “I don’t like them that way” or some other variation of it.

June looked at you knowingly from the other side of the table every time that happened, knowing how badly you hoped for his words to be only a front he was putting up and that maybe, just maybe, he thought of you as more than a friend. But the little hope you had was put to rest when Yunhee, one of the girls from his friend group, came by and pulled him away, telling him that Jeno, his best friend, wanted to take group pictures together.

Jaemin didn’t return to the table until the winner of the homecoming spirit trophy was about to be announced. He shared a look of excitement with you as both of you did a drumroll on the table before Haechan, the student body president yelled out, “the seniors, class of 2018, are the winners of this year’s homecoming spirit trophy!” Jaemin jumped out of his seat and hugged you out of joy before running off to celebrate with the rest of his friends at their table.

Again, he did not return until the lights were dimmed and the music volume was raised. “Would you like to dance, m’lady?” He asked as he held his hand out for you to take. The rest of your friends let out giggles at the gesture and cooed when you placed your hand in his and followed him to the dance floor.

He let go of your hand as the two of you faced each other and started moving to the beat of ‘Let’s Fall in Love for the Night’ while mouthing the words to each other. With every line mouthed, you felt your heart swell for Jaemin because it was as if this song were written for the two of you.

“You look absolutely beautiful tonight.” He told you as the song slowed down.

“I can say the same for you too.” Your eyes met him as you smiled at him.

His smile mirrored yours with the same playful affection. “Then why don’t you?”

You weren’t even given the chance to do so when Yunhee appeared once again, placing a hand on his shoulder and turning him in the direction of where the other nominees for homecoming court were gathering. “They’re announcing the winners, come on,” she informed him as she began pulling him away, “you look good tonight though, you too, y/n, I guess.”

Yunhee had always been playing some sick passive-aggressive game with you and you never understood why. Jaemin encouraged you to just brush it off every time it happened, but you simply couldn’t, not when it has continued for three years now. You were about to open your mouth and say something back to her but you held yourself back, not wanting to sour the mood for everyone else.

Without Jaemin dancing with you and not knowing if the rest of your friends were on the dance floor, you returned to your table just as Haechan stepped out to announce the winners of the homecoming court. June came to sit next to you, occupying Jaemin’s seat as you laughed at the way her makeup was slightly smudged from when she accidentally rubbed her eye. “I’m glad I can still make you laugh.” She said as she gave you a sad smile, already having you like an open book.

The two of you became engrossed in a conversation about how hard it was to do your hair and makeup earlier, effectively drowning out the naming and cheers for the winners of the court until one name was able to make your heart stop. “Na Jaemin.” You turned around in your seat to see as Jaemin was crowned homecoming king and went to stand alongside Yunhee, who smiled at him as she donned a similar crown, making her his queen.

June took you home that night, leaving behind her own date for you as you struggled to hold back your tears, seeing Jaemin dance with another girl. “It’s just for homecoming, he probably doesn’t even like her that much.” June reassured while rubbing your back. You wanted so badly to believe her but there was just something inside you that wouldn’t allow you to do so.

Homecoming passed quickly, though not quickly enough for your liking, and as much as you were glad to put some distance between that night, you weren’t as glad to be swamped with work again. You were supposed to be thinking about how Pavlov experimented with classical conditioning yet you were the one feeling classically conditioned to think about Jaemin.

He occupied your mind whenever you weren’t extremely focused on something. Everything you thought about brought you back to him. Even now, you debated on whether it would be a good idea or not to classically train him to like you.

I can’t focus on what needs to get done

Your phone buzzed from its spot on your desk, plucking you from your experimental daydream, only to send you on a rollercoaster as you read the notification on your screen.

nana > y/n

7:31pm: wanna go get food with me?

y/n > nana

7:31pm: right now?

nana > y/n

7:31pm: yeah

y/n > nana

7:31pm: sure, i’ll be ready in a bit

nana > y/n

7:32pm: thank god cuz i’m outside already

You figured your psychology notes could wait for a bit, especially when the reason was Jaemin. With finals coming up soon and the impending doom of graduation and college, you wanted to make the most of every moment you had with him, even if it was nights spent getting McDonald’s and eating it at an elementary school playground, seated side by side at the top of the slide while looking at the stars.

“I wonder why people say ‘shooting stars’ and ‘falling like the stars’ because they can’t do both, right?” Jaemin pondered through a mouthful of french fries.

“Stars don’t fall, silly.” You remarked, truly questioning how he had such good grades in his classes yet didn’t seem to know such trivial things.

He continued staring up at the night sky before responding. “Well if they did, I think I’d be one of them.”

You looked at him, entertaining his wonderings while sipping some Sprite. “Oh? Now, why is that?”

“Because I think I’ve fallen for you.”

Your mouth opened ever so slightly out of shock and you felt as if you were frozen when he took the drink out of your hands, placing it gently behind the two of you before putting a hand on your jaw, holding your steady as he gave you your first kiss.

When he pulled away, you were still having trouble processing what just happened and left him hanging, but in a few seconds you had one hand on his shoulder, the other on his cheek as you pulled him in to kiss him for real this time. Jaemin let out a noise of surprise though he quickly recovered and his lips began moving with the shape of yours.

You immediately felt insecure from how confident he seemed, thinking that he probably already had prior experience, so you pulled away, not wanting to embarrass yourself if he thought you were a bad kisser. Both of you pulled away, slightly out of breath.

“Was I your first kiss?” He asked. You nodded in response, looking anywhere but at him. “Good, because you were mine.” Your eyebrows raised in shock and you turned to him, only for his lips to meet yours once again.

And I’m just tryna play it cool now

The two of you stayed at the playground for what could have easily been another hour talking about your futures and kissing each other. It was then that the two of you found a common college on both of your lists of possible schools and agreed to go there if both of you got in. When Jaemin dropped you off later that night, he sent you off with one last kiss and a smile, reminding you to study for your psychology final next week.

The in-class reviews for the said exam could’ve easily been thrown out the window for you since all you did was stare at Jaemin from the other side of the room. June asked you and your friends something about mental maps but the only mental map you were creating was that of the house you’d live in with Jaemin someday.

But I could be your crush...throw you for a rush

Even during the final exam itself, you couldn’t help but glance over at him and think about how handsome he was. It was only when one of your friends sneezed and Jaemin looked over to say ‘bless you’ that you averted your eyes back to the papers in front of you, not wanting him to catch you in your daydreams.

And I’m pretending you ain’t on my mind

But with the wrapping up of your classes and all the finals being taken, it also signaled the end of the semester and the start of winter break, which Jaemin would be spending in Japan visiting his older brother. When he left, it felt like he took a piece of you with him. He was always on your mind and you practically glued to your phone, anxiously waiting for a message from him. To be fair, he did promise to update you at least once a day on all the fun things he did.

Hoping you’d text me

You were the first like and comment on all of his social media updates, unashamedly. The most recent being a video of him and his older brother having a snowball fight at the ski resort they were visiting.

In the video, Jaemin threw a snowball at his brother who let out a yell in surprise, his dyed-blue hair now covered in white. “Hey! Come back here!” He yelled as he knelt to the ground, gathering his own snowball to throw back at Jaemin.

Jaemin ran away to a small stack of snowballs, giggling as he grabbed another one and launched it again at his brother, only angering him further. “How about you respect your elders, huh?” His brother shouted as he threw his first snowball at Jaemin, which would’ve hit him square in the face if he didn’t turn around as fast as he did.

“No headshots, you bully!” He pouted, rubbing the spot the snowball hit, just to be hit twice more by his brother. “Hey, I’m injured!”

“Now you know how I feel playing PUBG with you, kid.” His brother shot back.

na.jaemin0813 - he put up a good fight but i think i won

ynn0018 - you definitely did. I miss you tho :’( come home soon pls

You checked the post again when he replied to your comment and read through some of the other comments, feeling jealous when you see that he also replied to the other girls who left messages though you quickly eased yourself when you say that he gave you the longest response with the most emojis.

na.jaemin0813 > ynn0018 - i miss you too 😘😘 i’ll be back sooner than you know it <3

Jaemin stayed true to his word, texting you every day, and making sure you weren’t too bored without him. He filmed his own short little vlogs and sent them to you throughout the day and did a longer video at the end of the day as he got ready for bed. You’d watch them whenever you got bored or thought of him and the days didn’t seem all that long without him physically there with you.

When Jaemin returned from Japan and the break ended, the two of you were the closest you’ve ever been. You did nearly everything together like eating lunch, studying for tests, even facetiming each other while doing homework though neither of you really spoke much.

Thanks to Jaemin being so overprepared and not wanting to live in his brother’s shadows, his early application to colleges motivated you to do the same and within the first month of the year, both of you had acceptance letters to the school where you could chase your dreams together and not have to risk doing a long-distance relationship. If fate and soulmates truly existed, you knew this would be it.

The third quarter of the school year goes by quickly, the rest of your friends receiving their acceptance letters after you and slowly announcing their future schools and plans after graduation. Things felt like they were falling into place, just the way they should be and you thought you could never be happier.

During spring break, you and Jaemin even took your senior portraits together at the local botanical garden, the sunset behind the flowers turning the sky a fiery shade of pink. “I want to see more of these sunsets with you,” Jaemin admits after you both decide you’re satisfied with how the pictures came out, “Japan has these same types of sunsets and I wish you were there to see them with me.”

“Let’s go then,” you tell him, excited as you imagine the sight of you and him traveling the world and watching many more beautiful sunsets, “after we graduate, let’s go to Japan, just the two of us. We can visit your brother too and he can even be our tour guide.”

You’re my permanent vacation

From then on, both of you vowed to ‘grow up’ a little more to show your parents that you could be trusted to travel on your own. One of the biggest things you set out to do was to get your license, which of course Jaemin is initially against but eventually comes to terms with and becomes your biggest supporter, letting your drive the two of you to school and home on days when traffic wasn’t too heavy. Of course, you couldn’t get your license in just a few months but you told yourself you’d get it as soon as you were able to.

At school, prom was drawing nearer which meant promposals were happening left and right. Jaemin hadn’t said anything about going to prom together yet or if he was going at all so you thought it would be nice to turn the tables and do something nice for him since he was the one always driving you places, buying you food, giving you gifts, and just, in general, being the best ‘boyfriend’ you could ask for.

You told June about your plans but she surprisingly warned you against it. “Wait, why shouldn’t I do this? I thought you wanted me to get with Jaemin?” You question, taken aback at how quickly your best friend seemed to have turned on you.

“I do, but I think maybe you should wait a bit.” She reasoned.

“He hasn’t said anything yet though, or even mentioned the word ‘prom’ to me, so I don’t think he’s planning on going.”

“He must have a reason, like what if he doesn’t-”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m trying to get him to go. Because if I ask him, then for sure he’ll say yes, right?” You interrupt.

June pauses. “Well, yeah, he’d probably say yes, but like, keep in mind that you guys aren’t even official so there’s no guarantee.”

You roll your eyes at her. “Whatever. I thought you were supposed to be my best friend and support me no matter what.”

“Y/n, no, that’s not what I meant-”

“Save it, I don’t want to hear it.”

You stuck your ground and went home that day, ready to think up a cheesy pick-up line and design a poster asking Jaemin to prom. The day after that, you put the first part of your plan into motion and created the poster, drawing out your message in big, bold lettering and coloring them pink.

‘If I were a star, I’d be a falling star because I’ve fallen for you. Prom?’

You waited until Thursday to buy a bouquet of flowers after school, telling Jaemin that you needed to pick something up from the store and he could just drop you off there. You also told him that your parents were cool with letting you drive one of their cars so you didn’t need a ride to school on Friday morning. The second of which was harder to convince him of, but you did it nonetheless.

And I’m not tryna be with you now

You came to school, rushing to store the flowers and poster in your locker so that Jaemin doesn’t see them. The adrenaline doesn’t leave your body until after the first period ends, your mind already overwhelmed from being a TA and having to deal with freshmen for an hour.

When you arrive at your psychology class, you excitedly tell June about your plans for the day and how you were going to ask Jaemin to prom after school gets out, which she makes a face at. “Okay, now tell me, what is going on with you and your aversion to me asking Jaemin to prom?”

“Look, I’m not against it,” she began, her eyes drifting off to somewhere else, “it’s just that…”

“What, June, what could it possibly be?” You spit, getting angry at how your own best friend didn’t want to see you happy.

Her eyes snapped back to your face. “You know what? If you’re so intent on doing it, fine. I won’t stop you. I told you that I support you and Jaemin together so I don’t get why you’re so upset.”

Just as you were about to fire back, Jaemin walked through the door with Jeno so you quickly changed your expression to smile at him before muttering to June “I’m going to ask him to prom and prove that whatever you’re hiding from me is wrong.”

The next two periods seemed to drag by, you just wanted the day to go faster so you could finally do what you’ve been waiting for. During lunch you went to your usual spot, shaded underneath a tree by the cafeteria, pulling out your homework as you wait for Jaemin when you suddenly hear a commotion happening on the other side of the building.

Out of curiosity, you stood up and walked over just enough to get a glimpse of what was happening in the large ring of students. There were two people. Jaemin and Yunhee. You watched as Jaemin held open his own poster asking Yunhee to prom and you see her nod her head before pulling him in for a hug.

Any hope you previously had was crushed.

You didn’t feel like doing anything productive for the rest of the day. Instead of staying under the protection of the large tree, you packed up your belongings and went to your last class of the day, waiting for lunch to end. It was a study hall anyway so you figured you might as well get a head start at being unproductive for an hour.

Scrolling through social media didn’t help your cause in the slightest. Jaemin’s promposal was everywhere. But he and Yunhee posted about it, everyone who had recorded the event posted it on their stories, comments were flying left and right and it was all too much.

When you got home that day, you turned off your phone for the first time since god knows when and set to working on all your assignments just to keep your mind off of him. Even the mention of his name seemed taboo now. Once you deemed that enough schoolwork had been done, you went about cleaning your room and pulled up a ‘summertime tunes’ playlist on youtube to keep your mind occupied though it seemed like the world was against you today when ‘Crush’ started playing.

Maybe if I’m busy it could keep me from you

You shut Jaemin out of your life, blocking his number and his social media accounts. Legally, you could not get your license yet so you settled for having your parents take you to school. In class you sat as far away from him as possible and ditched your lunch spot, instead opting to spend lunch sitting in your next class and you were glad that your teachers didn’t mind you intruding on their break and if they did, they were kind enough to allow you to stay.

Exactly one month after that mistake of a day, you went to prom with your group of friends after patching up your relationship with June, though there was no undoing your harsh words the same way there was no undoing your purchase of the pink prom dress thinking that you’d be going with Jaemin as your date.

Whenever you looked down, you were disgusted by the color, wanting to rip it off of you and never have anything to do with anything pink ever again. Your friends accused you of being a downer the whole night, but you couldn’t help it when you knew Jaemin was probably having the time of his life with Yunhee at their table, Jeno right at his side with his own date.

“Come on, cheer up a bit, you still have us.” June kindly told you.

“I know, it’s just,” you put your head in your hands, careful of your makeup, “this is not the way I dreamt of things going.”

June shook her head. “Well, some dreams are better left as dreams. Just wait, Jaemin will get his karma, I promise you.”

“It better come soon because I’m getting sick of seeing them together.” You nodded over to where he was dancing with Yunhee. You didn’t dare look at them, not wanting to see his stupidly handsome face and his dumb smile or the way she blushed at his compliments and the way her pink nails matched his pink tie.

You left the hotel ballroom that night vowing to yourself that you’d never speak to Na Jaemin again. Your friends fully supported you on this endeavor and your group became the tightest you’ve ever been even if it was only for the last month of your high school career. Graduation came and went, the special night was spent having your own mini party at one of your friends’ house after the ceremony and you might have even had a bit to drink.

Summer felt like an odd daydream of sorts though you were immensely grateful for the break since it allowed you to not have to see Jaemin’s face almost every day of the week. Both of you acted as if the other person didn’t exist and you hoped to keep it that way for a long time. Even when you saw him out of the corner of your eye at freshmen orientation on your college campus, you reminded yourself of the promise you made on prom night.

“Y/n, hey!” He called out to you, walking in your direction.

You looked over at him, giving him a slight smile before turning away and walking off to sit with some of the other people you met earlier while doing some of the icebreaker activities.

Sorry

Some crushes are better kept a crush.

[melanielocke]

Conceal don't Feel - Two

Love is an Open Door

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @alastair-appreciation-month @writeordie-4 @amchara

AO3

Previous chapter: One: Do You Wanna Build a Snowman

Next chapter: For the First Time in Forever (to be posted)

Cordelia had never been so disappointed in her entire life. She’d been promised a guest, someone closer to her and Alastair’s age, someone who could end her days of loneliness and be her friend. Father had told her about it himself on one of his better days, he’d invited someone of her generation to come help Alastair. She knew the guest would be there mainly for her brother, of course, but Alastair hated being around people and she was sure whoever the guest was would have plenty of time to spend with her instead. She’d longed for someone to end her loneliness for such a long time she had started fantasizing about the person who would be staying until she’d gotten some admittedly unrealistic expectations. Instead, Charles Fairchild had arrived.

He wasn’t as close to her age as had been promised. Instead, he was eight years older than her, which she guessed was technically her generation, but he found himself far too mature to spend time with silly little girls like her. Not to mention, of course, that he was here for Alastair, and Alastair alone. With Father sick so often and Mother filling in, Alastair needed someone to teach him how to be a king. Somehow, her brother tolerated Charles’ presence whereas he still told Cordelia to go away and leave him alone whenever she approached him. After a few weeks she learned Charles had a younger brother around Cordelia’s age, but of course he hadn’t been invited.

With a groan, she returned to her practice with cortana. It was all she had these days, all she cared about. Even if she was all alone and her brother had barely spoken to her in years, she had been gifted the family sword, both a great honor and responsibility. She wondered sometimes why Alastair had chosen to gift her cortana, as it was tradition the sword went to the heir to the throne.

‘I knew it was important to you,’ was all he’d said when she’d asked, but for Cordelia that wasn’t a satisfactory answer. Giving her a powerful sword that was rightfully his because he knew it was important to her implied he loved her, yet nothing else Alastair did or said showed he even cared about her a little bit. If he loved her, he would spend time with her, not hide in his room and yell at her to go away.

Nowadays, he would only ever spend times with Charles, because of course while Cordelia wasn’t good enough for him, Charles was everything. They deserved each other, Cordelia had decided. They were both boring and stupid and could only ever talk about politics. The only time Charles paid Cordelia any mind was when he told her a princess shouldn’t be eating so much chocolate and maybe she should try losing some weight. He had a point, princesses were supposed to be slim and small and Cordelia wasn’t, but he didn’t have to be so rude about it. She didn’t understand why Alastair followed Charles around like some lost puppy. He used to shut the world out, and it seemed like he’d opened the door, but right after Charles had entered it had shut down with full force once more.

She wished she could let it go, and forget about her brother, but she couldn’t. She still remembered the fun they used to have when they were little, how he’d looked out for her and helped her build the most amazing snowmen. It had all happened so sudden, one day they were playing in the snow together, the next he wouldn’t leave his room and refused to even speak to her. Perhaps there was an explanation, something that would make it all make sense. But then why was Charles the exception, and what did Alastair see in him?

***

When Charles arrived in Arendelle, Alastair redoubled his resolve to get this power under control, to never let it show. Letting Thomas see had been a mistake. He’d trusted Thomas, had cared for him, and now they would never see each other again and how could he be sure Thomas hadn’t shared his secret? He had no reason to assume Charles would even accept the way he was. He could never know.

‘The palace of Arendelle is beautiful,’ Charles said. ‘A different style from the palace of the southern isles. Not that that is still in use, it has been turned into a museum. A real shame.’

Charles made no effort to hide the disdain in his voice as he said the word museum.

‘Why?’ Alastair asked.

‘Because there’s no monarchy anymore,’ Charles said. ‘My mother was the Queen of the Southern Isles until two years ago. She ended the monarchy and was elected as president instead. She thought it unfitting for an elected leader to live in a grand palace, so she decided it should be a museum instead to preserve our country’s history.’

Alastair stared at Charles with wide eyes. ‘That’s a possibility? I could just end the monarchy and have elections for a leader? And whoever has good ideas on how to improve the country could just sign up?’

He imagined all sorts of people would be willing to give it a try, and Alastair had never wanted the throne anyway. He had no idea how he’d be king and meet with cabinet members and foreign officials and never show the ice that rested inside of him.

Charles chuckled, as if he’d just said something ridiculous.

‘Perhaps not,’ he said quietly, already feeling stupid.

‘Being a Crown Prince is an honor, Alastair, a great privilege. Who in their right mind would give that up? Why would you not want to be king?’

Alastair sighed. ‘I guess you’re right. It’s just a lot of responsibility, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.’

‘That’s alright. That’s why I’m here. I might not be a prince anymore, but I have a lot of experience being one and later I helped with my mother’s presidential campaign and presidency. I know how to run a country.’

His friendship with Charles might have been a bit rocky at first, but Alastair soon learnt to trust him more. It was a bit like with Thomas, when Charles was near Alastair felt calmer and could control the ice.

Charles was knowledgeable and took his time to educate Alastair on everything he thought was important for a future king. He was often willing to make time for Alastair, even when it was not convenient for him, and Alastair thought as long as Charles was here, everything was going to be alright.

‘What will you do, when you return to the southern isles?’ Alastair asked him one day.

‘Run for president myself,’ Charles said. ‘It’s not the same as being king, but there’s still much good I can do for the southern isles. My mother has done a good job, but I fear she is too sentimental. I can make my country strong again, that is all I ever wanted.

Don’t worry, I won’t be leaving anytime soon. You still need plenty of my help, and I think together we can set up some better trade routes, build an alliance and find new ways in which we can help each other. I think both Arendelle and the Southern Isles could benefit from a closer relationship.’

Alastair was intrigued. Alliances with foreign kingdoms were what he feared the most of being king. He wasn’t charming, too blunt and straight forward to flatter, but perhaps with Charles he could get started on a good alliance without those skills. ‘Of course. Whatever you need.’

***

Cordelia was beyond excited. Alastair had asked her to join him for a picnic on the palace grounds this afternoon. This would be her chance to get her brother back and a picnic was a decent start. Perhaps someday coming winter they could build a snowman again. Cordelia firmly believed you were never too old to build a snowman.

She picked out her nicest dress, eternally grateful it still fit as she was always growing out of her clothes, and went out to meet Alastair in the gardens. For once he wasn’t with Charles, which was nice because Cordelia did not want to talk about politics all afternoon. She had more important things to discuss.

‘I’m glad you came,’ Alastair said.

He was tense, Cordelia could tell. It was hard to read his moods with Alastair, he rarely showed any emotion, but she had learnt to recognize the slight tension in his shoulders, his stiff demeanor, as if he was forcing himself to speak. She wondered why he would be tense.

‘Of course I came,’ Cordelia said. ‘As far as I know you’re still my only brother.’

‘I’m sorry, for the past years,’ Alastair said. ‘I know you must have been very alone.’

Cordelia nodded. ‘Yes. I know you have to study and prepare for being king and all, but why can’t we at least open the gates every once in a while? Maybe invite some girls my age, or even Charles’ younger brother?’

She knew spending a lot of time with a boy her age would be considered inappropriate, but that was still preferable to keeping the company of the portraits on the wall. She had so little experience with social interaction she didn’t even know how to speak to someone her age, and Father expected her to get married when she was older. How was she supposed to do that when she never met anyone? There was no way she was marrying Charles.

‘I’m sorry,’ Alastair said quietly. ‘We can’t do that.’

‘Father could invite Charles,’ Cordelia protested. ‘Surely we can invite someone else. I still don’t have a lady in waiting.’

‘That’ll have to wait, Layla. I’m sorry. I wish it were different.’

Alastair had called her Layla since she was a little girl, after a girl in a story their mother used to tell them, and it was a bit of a weak spot of hers. Still, she was determined not to let it go, because nothing Alastair said made any sense.

‘But why?’ Cordelia asked. ‘What are you so afraid of?’

‘I’m not afraid of anything,’ Alastair bit at her.

There was that temper she remembered from his childhood. It was good to see he still felt anything at all, but Cordelia did not want to make him angry the first time she’d spoken to him in years. Perhaps she should be a little more tactful about this instead of forcing answers out of him. One thing she knew for sure though, there was something Alastair knew and she didn’t. Perhaps more than one thing, Alastair always seemed to know much more than he let on. It was infuriating.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said and she hoped he would believe her apology was sincere. ‘I just wish I could have friends too.’

‘Maybe when you’re older,’ Alastair said. ‘I’ll do what I can, alright? But no promises.’

Cordelia decided to accept that for now. ‘Your life must have been very boring too. I mean, you have company, but it’s Charles. That might actually be worse than being alone.’

Alastair rolled his eyes. ‘He’s not boring. He’s a politician, and a very good one. He knows everything there is about being king, even if he won’t be one himself anymore. It is very generous of him to come here and help me.’

Cordelia made a face. ‘I don’t like him. Most of the time he ignores me, which honestly is fine, but he also tells me I eat way too much chocolate and need to lose weight.’

Her weight had become a bit of an insecurity lately. She was at the end of her growth spurt and quite tall, which she liked, she was even taller than Alastair, but while she’d stopped growing in length, she kept getting wider and had to throw out dresses all the time. Her mother had told her this was normal for girls her age, but Cordelia was pretty sure most girls her age were much thinner than she was, and princesses were expected to be small and skinny.

If Charles was to be believed, it was because of all the sweets she ate, and reminding her of it was hurtful, not to mention he was always rude and condescending about it, as if she couldn’t possibly know what was good for her.

‘I’m sorry, I’ll ask him not to bother you,’ Alastair promised. ‘But I really need him here, alright? I will be king one day, and I desperately need his help.’

Cordelia snorted. ‘Maybe if you wanted to learn how to be a better king, you could actually go outside and spend time with the people of Arendelle instead of hiding here in the castle.’

‘That’s not possible,’ Alastair said stiffly.

He was worried. Cordelia couldn’t tell what it was, but she was determined to find out.

‘Are you scared to leave the palace?’ Cordelia asked. ‘I read a book some time back about someone who was scared to leave their house. It was very intriguing.’

‘I’m not scared, Cordelia,’ Alastair hissed, but something about his stiff mannerism revealed otherwise.

She nodded. ‘Alright, so you have a fear of going outside like that character in the book. Maybe there’s a doctor somewhere who can help you overcome your fear since I have no idea how it’s done and I imagine dragging you outside might make it worse. But that’s alright, I could go out and into the city for you and report back what I learn. We could be a great team, like we used to be.’

‘No, Cordelia, that’s not… I’m not afraid.’ He stopped abruptly, twisting his fingers together.

Alastair was wearing a pair of fancy black gloves. Now that she noticed, he always wore gloves. Perhaps if he was scared of going outside, he was also scared of dirt? The palace was cleaned, of course, but some rooms weren’t cleaned as often because of the limited staff and would collect dust. She did remember her brother had always been rather neat, that had to be it.

‘We’re done here,’ Alastair said. ‘Goodbye.’

He stood up and walked away. They hadn’t even eaten anything yet. Cordelia ran after him.

‘Where are you going?’

‘Back inside. I changed my mind, I don’t want to have a picnic with you.’

Cordelia didn’t understand. He’d invited her, he’d wanted to spend time with her. Had she done something wrong to change his mind? It didn’t make any sense, she might have been a little pushy, but he had to understand it was for his own good, right?

‘Why? Am I suddenly not good enough for you anymore?’ Cordelia yelled, grabbing his shoulder.

‘Leave me alone, Cordelia,’ Alastair hissed. ‘I mean it.’

Cordelia was taken back by the sudden vehemence in his voice.

‘Fine, go back inside to stupid Charles and his stupid lessons!’ she yelled after him as he walked inside.

He didn’t look back, not even once. As if she was nothing. Great, that was her one chance to win back her brother, to improve her situation here somewhat. Now she had no idea what to do.

She returned to the picnic site and collapsed onto the blanket she’d laid out for the two of them. She stuffed some chocolate into her mouth. Chocolate she’d specifically requested for Alastair, because she knew he liked anything sweet, and loved chocolate most of all. Cordelia did too, curse stupid Charles and his stupid comments about her eating habits. She was the princess, she could eat as much chocolate as she wanted. She needed some way to cope with being alone all the time and if Charles thought it was bad for her maybe he should go find her a friend. As it was, she returned to days of loneliness and practicing with cortana. What else was she supposed to do?

***

‘Your father didn’t show up to our meeting again,’ Charles said. ‘We were supposed to discuss your progress weekly, but most of the time he isn’t there. Do you know if he’s alright?’

‘He’s just sick,’ Alastair said, terrified Charles would find out about his father’s drinking. ‘No one knows what’s wrong with him, but it’s been getting worse. Mother has taken over most of his tasks so he can rest. Thanks to you, I can start helping out too. I’ve been working on my correspondence, and I was wondering if you could double check my letter to the Duke of Weselton?’

Charles nodded. ‘I’ll look at your letter. I am sorry to hear about your father’s illness, Alastair, I know it’s been hard on you. How’s your sister under all this?’

Alastair sighed. A couple of months ago, he’d thought he was making progress. Around Charles he felt so much better, he felt as if the ice wasn’t even there unless he called for it. He had thought maybe he could give his sister another chance and he’d invited her to a picnic. If everything had gone well and he’d felt in control around her, he could have told her the truth there, and show her what he was capable of. But when he’d met with Cordelia, everything came back in full force and he’d have to fight with every bit of his willpower to repress his fear and keep the ice inside of him. Cordelia was still mad about his sudden departure, but he’d had no other choice if he wanted to keep her safe. When he’d gotten back to his bedroom, he’d lost control and caused a snowstorm. While he thought his control had improved since Charles had come, the size of any outburst that slipped through had grown.

He was lucky Cordelia hadn’t seen it and at least now that Father was drunk all the time, he wouldn’t notice and put Alastair in chains. He knew it was all his fault though, his father wouldn’t have started drinking if it weren’t for him.

‘I think it’s difficult for her,’ Alastair said. ‘She mentioned you made some comments about her eating habits the other day. I know you mean well, but she doesn’t like it.’

‘I’m just concerned for her. It’s unhealthy to eat so much chocolate,’ Charles insisted. ‘She’ll thank me when she doesn’t have to throw out another of her custom made gowns.’

Alastair didn’t think it was fair to shame her for growing out of clothes when he did the same. He’d started his growth spurt lately and most of his suits had become too short. They weren’t thrown away either, they were sold second hand, as were Cordelia’s old gowns.

‘I think she’s insecure about how she looks,’ Alastair said. ‘And she has plenty to worry about, I don’t think she should be worrying about her weight on top of that. Your comments aren’t helping her.’

He didn’t understand why his control was so much worse around Cordelia. A long time ago, he’d hurt her, and he was terrified it would happen again. Perhaps that was different with Charles. With Charles he could not feel, like he was supposed to.

The problem, of course, was that with Charles he did feel. Just like he had with Thomas. It had not appeared as fast as it had with Thomas, but it was so much stronger now that he’d gotten to know Charles, had spent nearly a year with him.

He wanted Charles. Loved him, even. Alastair didn’t understand why he felt this way. Years ago, he’d met his cousin Jem who’d told him how he loved both Will and Tessa romantically. Alastair couldn’t imagine loving more than one person at the same time, nor could he imagine loving a woman, but perhaps some men longed for the love of other men instead of women.

Perhaps being in love was what calmed his moods, as long as he wasn’t scared. Right now, he wasn’t, not yet. He knew it was unlikely Charles felt the same way. That was alright, because he still wanted to be near him and then everything would be fine.

‘You know, I always found it unusual how empty this castle is,’ Charles said one day. ‘No one else ever stays, your parents always travel to meet foreign leaders and never invite anyone over. There aren’t half as many cleaners and servants as there were in my old palace.’

‘We minimized the staff,’ Alastair said. ‘It seems wasteful to spend money on staff when that could be spent on improving the kingdom.’

‘You don’t even have friends,’ Charles said. ‘No other noblemen visit, ever. You don’t have any companions, nor a page. You sleep alone. It’s odd.’

Alastair frowned. ‘How is it odd that I sleep alone?’

‘When I was still a prince, I had a page. A boy around my age, who shared my bed at night. It was normal at home, for noblemen and women to have a page or lady in waiting share their bed. A good way to make sure your virtue remains intact and you do not share your bed with a woman you are not married to.’

Alastair wasn’t sure that would be effective. Who was to say nothing improper happened between the nobleman and the person who shared their bed?

‘There’s no one here I could lose my virtue to,’ Alastair said. ‘But I know what you mean, my mother does share her bed with Risa, her lady in waiting. My father doesn’t though, he sleeps alone.’

No one could find out he was a drunk. No one would believe in him as a king anymore, and therefore it was up to Alastair to keep anyone from finding out, just like he had to keep everyone from finding out about the ice inside of him.

‘I imagine you don’t have a page anymore at home?’ Alastair asked.

‘We had a fall out shortly before my mother gave up the crown,’ Charles said in a tone that indicated he did not want to talk about it.

Charles did not bring the topic up again for some time, not until he was complaining about his younger brother one day.

‘He’s been campaigning for the right for men to love other men,’ Charles said with a sigh. ‘And for women to love women. Here I was thinking he’d never give up on being silly and going out partying, but this is worse.’

Alastair tilted his head. ‘Why? Is he not fighting for a good cause?’

‘He will make everything much harder for me, for our family,’ Charles said. ‘People are shunning him, of course. They’re wondering, why is he campaigning for this, what does it mean about him? And my brother does not have the good sense to hide he likes both men and women.’

So Charles’ brother was like his cousin Jem, then? Alastair had not met Matthew Fairchild, but it was difficult to hear Charles talk like this. He felt a familiar tingling in his fingers, a warning he might lose control. Something he had not yet felt around Charles.

‘That is very brave of him,’ Alastair said.

‘I prefer to think of it as foolish,’ Charles said. ‘The people won’t accept him, he won’t change a thing. He’ll just make everything harder for himself, and for me. People will watch us more closely. No one batted an eye when Daniel, my former page, shared my bed for years.’

Alastair gasped. ‘You mean to say you love men?’

‘Unfortunately I do. It’s not easy for someone like me. I have to keep it a secret, or I risk losing everything. No one would vote for a man like me to be president. But with the proper precautions, I’ve been quite successful at hiding my affections and desires while still indulging in them. I wish my brother understood that.’

Alastair put his hand on Charles’ and felt the tingling fade. It wasn’t gone, not entirely, but he wouldn’t lose control. ‘Does your brother know about you?’

‘No. I never wanted him to. You’re the first person I’ve told after Daniel, I know I can trust you to keep my secret.’

Alastair felt special to be entrusted with such a secret, and could it mean Charles returned his feelings? Had Charles told him because he hoped Alastair might want to be with him?

‘When I’m king, I will do what your brother has been campaigning for, I will change the laws and allow two men or two women to be together,’ Alastair promised. ‘Get married, even.’

Charles waved his hand dismissively. ‘Don’t be silly, Alastair.’

His heart sank, the tingling increased. He had to tell Charles about his affections, or else everything would become snow and ice.

‘But I’m like you,’ Alastair said. ‘I like men. And I don’t want to hide forever. What’s even the point in being king if I can’t change such things?’

‘They’ll cast you out, Alastair,’ Charles said. ‘Don’t waste your birthright on something the people will never accept. Best to keep your affections a secret. You’re a prince, you can pick any boy you like to be your page or companion and share your bed. No one would suspect a thing.’

Charles put his hand on Alastair’s shoulder, a bit too long for it to be called friendly, right?

‘What about you?’ Alastair asked. ‘I feel choosing a page to be my love would be unfair. Like, would he even get a say in that? It wouldn’t be like that with you.’

Charles smiled and cupped his cheek with his hand. It was smooth, the hand of someone who had not done manual labor. ‘You’re in love with me, aren’t you?’ he said, his voice gentle.

Alastair rubbed his hands together, forcing the tingling to stop. He felt frost underneath his gloves, but it was still hidden. Conceal, don’t feel.

‘Yes,’ he whispered.

‘I suspected as much,’ Charles said. ‘I like you too, Alastair. You’re smart and beautiful, and you will be a great king someday. But this has to be a secret. You understand that, don’t you? I will be with you, but only as long as you can keep your affections concealed.’

Alastair nodded. ‘Of course.’

Then Charles kissed him, and it was like fire, a sudden heat that melted his frozen heart, that stopped the tingling in his fingers, that calmed the storm inside of him. Perhaps love was the answer after all.

Alastair and Charles explored much more than just kissing together. Charles came to share his bed, claiming it was improper how Alastair slept alone all night. No one suspected a thing, but then of course, there was no one who could suspect. It was the first time in years where Alastair felt he might be happy. Even if he was still too dangerous to be around his sister. He tried once more. No promises this time, he just sought her out in her room to see if they could talk. The storm returned almost immediately and Alastair realized his sister would never be safe if he went near her. The only one he could be around was Charles.

It was amazing at first. Long nights together, Charles touching him, making love to him. He’d never known being touched by someone could feel so good, nor that it would melt the ice inside his heart. Charles knew exactly what he was doing and what he wanted, and Alastair was happy to oblige.

It was wonderful outside of the bedroom too. He loved how Charles would gently touch his shoulder, his wrist as he guided him through their lessons. But it didn’t take long for the secrecy of it all to start to weigh on him. Charles’ younger brother had fled farther south for his own safety, confirming Charles’ beliefs it was better to keep their love a secret. Alastair was scared the same might happen to him, but what could possibly be worse than people finding out he was a monster with ice in his heart?

Perhaps it would be better to leave, to flee into the woods and snow touched mountains and make his home there. The cold didn’t bother him, he would survive. But Charles could not come with him there, and so he stayed. Even while Charles mocked his ideas, told him he was still too young to understand what it was to rule a kingdom and treated him like was a child despite being old enough to be Charles’ lover.

Once he’d been in control around Charles, but not anymore. He wasn’t sure why it had gotten worse, why he was so scared Charles would leave him, that he wasn’t good enough anymore. He redoubled his resolve, made sure to read everything Charles asked him to, be everything his lover needed him to be. Charles was all he had, he didn’t think he could survive being abandoned. They stayed like this for several years. Alastair never took his gloves, not even when they had sex, and never explained why. Charles thought it was odd, but had come to accept it.

Even when he lost control, the gloves kept it in for a little longer, offered a bit of protection, and the time to get away before the storm began. Whenever he didn’t trust himself anymore, he went to his own private bathroom, a place even Charles wasn’t allowed to enter. Now that Charles shared his bed, his bedroom wasn’t a safe place to lose control anymore and he couldn’t exactly ask Charles to leave. So instead, this bathroom had frozen several times over, and whenever he was going to lose control he just told Charles he needed to use the bathroom. At this point, all the pipes had broken, so nothing could be used, but everything had been cut off from the water network long ago and his outbursts didn’t affect the other bathrooms. Charles had not uncovered his secret, and although it was difficult to keep it from him, it was for the best.

***

Cordelia took her father’s hand. ‘Where are you going? Are you sure you’re well enough to travel?’

‘I’m feeling much better, Cordelia dear,’ he said with a smile. ‘Don’t worry about me. I’ll be back before you know it.’

Cordelia wasn’t sure where exactly her parents would be traveling. It wasn’t the first time he left, of course, to meet with foreign nobles, but this time he would be going on a much longer journey, and it had been a while since he’d traveled anywhere. He’d been too sick and Mother had written letters to keep up relations instead.

‘Can’t I come with you?’ Cordelia asked.

‘Not this time,’ her father said. ‘But I promise on my next journey you can come with me. It’s almost time for you to be presented to the world. But this is something I have to do myself, I’m afraid.’

The idea of being presented to the world sounded good, but perhaps that would be a bit much all at once. Perhaps it would be nicer to start with a smaller group of people who could be her friends.

‘What if the people won’t like me?’ Cordelia asked.

‘Of course they will. You are beautiful, compassionate and nurturing, what’s not to like?’

Cordelia could always count on her father to tell her she was beautiful, even if not long ago she’d had to throw out nearly all of her gowns because she’d gained too much weight to fit into them.

‘I’ll still be here, azizam,’ her mother said, which surprised her.

‘Oh, I thought you were going too,’ Cordelia said.

‘I was, but Alastair insisted he was not ready to take over while I was gone and needed me to stay,’ her mother explained. ‘I know that’s not true and Alastair is more than ready, but I thought staying would put his mind at ease.’

Cordelia supposed that should make her less lonely, but her mother spent all her time on filling in for her father and she wasn’t sure where that left her. She knew everyone was keeping something from her, but she couldn’t figure out what and it was frustrating. She’d tried asking her father, who had told her not to worry, that everything would be alright in the end. Then she’d asked her mother, who’d told her that her brother was going through a difficult time, without offering any explanation. Apparently, boys his age often went through times like this, except in Alastair’s case that had been years now. Not that Cordelia knew any other boys Alastair’s age to compare his behavior to, but that was hardly her fault.

It turned out her father wasn’t back before she knew it. It took months to even get word from him. Of course, it was a long journey by ship and it made sense they did not hear anything at first, but after a couple of months Cordelia began to worry. They should have heard something by now, what could have become of him?

‘He’ll be alright, Cordelia,’ her mother had said. ‘We’ll hear from him soon enough. He must have decided to stay longer than intended and it would take time for a letter to reach us.’

But Cordelia could tell her mother was worried too, more so with every passing day during which they did not hear from Elias. Several months after he’d first left, a messenger came.

‘I am terribly sorry to bring you this news, Your Majesty,’ the messenger said, addressing her mother. ‘The King’s ship went down in the southern seas. There were no survivors.’

Cordelia had been in shock at first. Then she’d burst into tears. Mother had cried too, although a bit more concealed. Alastair though, had not shown a thing. He’d taken the news quietly, asked a few questions, and then retreated to his room. As if he didn’t feel a thing, as if he didn’t care.

The funeral was a quiet ceremony, and Alastair didn’t attend. She had been forced to ask Charles where he was and why he hadn’t come to his own father’s funeral. Charles didn’t know the answer either, said something about Alastair being upset and indisposed, but she could tell it didn’t make sense to him either.

Determined not to let him slip away from her like he always did, she went to his room after the funeral, knocking on the door. No response. When she was younger, Alastair would yell at her to go away, he would get angry that she had the nerve to bother him. As awful as that was, his silence was worse.

‘Please, Alastair,’ she said. ‘I know you’re in there. I don’t know why you didn’t come to the funeral, and maybe it was just too hard… But people asked about you, where you’ve been. And I want to be there for you. Just let me in, and we can talk about.’

‘Leave me alone, Cordelia!’ she heard from the other side of the door. He didn’t open it. ‘I don’t care Father is dead, that’s why I didn’t go the funeral. You shouldn’t either.’

It was not the answer she’d expected, although it wasn’t the first time it had seemed like Alastair did not love Father. Sometimes she wondered if Alastair could feel anything at all. She guessed not. There was ice inside his heart, and Cordelia did not know how to reach him anymore. Perhaps it didn’t matter.

With Father gone, her mother was Queen-Regent for now, taking on all of Father’s duties with some help from Alastair here and there until his coronation. Her mother was pregnant, and Cordelia didn’t think it would be good for her to spend so much time working while expecting a child. At least the pregnancy meant that once the baby was here, she would have someone to play with.

In four months, Alastair would turn twenty one and would be crowned king. He only ever spent time preparing for his coronation and his reign, Charles always hovering around him. It was impossible to catch him alone.

Of course, a coronation brought opportunities. Alastair couldn’t be crowned in a small, private ceremony, people from all over the country and even beyond would be invited. Cordelia would finally have a chance to meet actual real life people.

***

Alastair did not attend his father’s funeral. He’d expected knowing his father was gone would bring relief. No more hiding the empty bottles, no more covering up his sickness. No risk Cordelia would find out. Most of all, no risk Father would decide he was too dangerous and would chain him in the dungeons. He had never forgotten that day and even now he still had nightmares. Father had always been cruel to him, and he thought his death would set Alastair free. Instead, he felt empty, he felt a horrible guilt for hating a man who was now dead. He felt the snow and ice tingling against his fingers, seeking release. He pushed it back down with all he had. Conceal, don’t feel, that was what his father had taught him. No emotion, push it all down. Alright then, he would not feel. He would not mourn Father, would not care that he was gone. He would not attend the funeral and pay his respects, it was too dangerous anyway, and Father did not deserve that.

He knew people would ask why, where he’d been, and he made something up about being too sick and overcome with grief to attend. It was a lie. Even without the risk of exposing his ice, he would not have wanted to attend. He hated his father, and he couldn’t bear to listen to people speak on what a great king he’d been. Worse, what a great father he’d been. And there was no one he could talk to. Charles didn’t know what Father was really like, he believed in the lie of his illness. Cordelia was the same, worse even, for she adored Father, she always had. He’d considered telling her the truth, but that would be selfish. It would break her heart, and for what? And Mother had loved Father. Now that he was gone, she wanted to remember the good parts. She was having another baby, and was devastated the baby would never meet his father. Lucky child, he thought. That almost sounded like he resented the baby for getting the safe and carefree childhood he had never had, but that wasn’t true. He was almost glad Father was gone for their sake, and he hoped the baby would grow up happy and loved and protected, even if Alastair could provide none of that himself. It was too dangerous and he would never forgive himself if anything happened to the baby because of him.

***

‘Alastair, are you in there?’

No response. Sona had gotten used to that at this point. She had grown more worried every day. Alastair was to be king in a couple of months, but he had barely left his private quarters since Elias’ death. The only person he spoke to was Charles, and even then Charles had confided in her that he felt Alastair pull away from him. That he wasn’t sure Alastair was ready to be king.

She’d thought, perhaps, as his mother she could reach him. Charles didn’t know about the ice despite them being very close. But with her and Cordelia, all Alastair did was push them away.

He had seemed happy, at least, when she’d told him of her pregnancy, excited to meet the new baby. Mostly, he’d been terrified though and Sona thought perhaps Alastair was scared he’d hurt the baby. She didn’t know what to do anymore. She had to protect her baby, of course, but Alastair was her child too and she didn’t know how to reach him.

Sona knocked on the bedroom door once more. He couldn’t hide in there forever. It was Charles who opened, wearing a dressing robe. Sona knew Charles had been sleeping in Alastair’s bedroom for the past years. It was a way, apparently, to make sure Alastair’s virtue was intact for marriage. Not that Alastair had shown any interest in getting married and with his ice, Sona feared it was too dangerous. She wasn’t sure how Alastair had managed to keep his ice from Charles while sharing a bed, but that was impressive, right?

It pained her, she wanted nothing more than for Alastair to be happy, but she didn’t know how. She’d considered going back to Tessa, had asked Elias to reconsider, but he’d refused. ‘Alastair belongs here,’ Elias used to say. ‘That witch will only take him away from us.’

And now he was to be crowned king and it was too late. At least Charles had been good for him, right? Sona had noticed the way Alastair lit up around Charles, the way he seemed so eager to please him.

‘Your Majesty,’ Charles addressed her. ‘If I knew you were coming, I would have dressed for the occasion.’

‘I am sorry,’ Sona said. ‘Did I wake you? I didn’t realize you tucked in early, I’ve always been a late sleeper myself. I was just looking for Alastair, is he here?’

‘No, he must have left when I was asleep. Usually he goes to the bathroom, his own private one. Even I am not allowed in there. He’s very attached to his privacy.’

Sona knew about the bathroom, the place he went to when he lost control. It was good for him to have such a place right? Somewhere it didn’t matter if the ice became too much for him, because no one would get hurt.

Sona forced a smile. ‘Thank you Charles. I think I’ll look for him there.’

‘I don’t think he’d like that.’

‘He’s my son, and I am worried about him.’

‘He’s been showing progress in his lessons lately,’ Charles said. ‘I do not think you have to worry.’

Sona just nodded, and closed the door. Charles was smart, responsible, and he knew politics, but sometimes she felt he didn’t know Alastair, didn’t understand him. Risa hated Charles, acted as if he’d stolen Alastair away from them, but Sona felt that was a bit too simplistic. It was a difficult situation for everyone, and they were all doing the best they could. Alastair had chosen to spend his time around Charles, and if that was what made him feel better, who was she to judge?

Sona knocked on the bathroom door. No response.

‘Alastair, I’m coming in!’ she called.

She didn’t like invading his privacy, but at least he’d be forced to acknowledge he was in there if he wanted to stop her. He didn’t say anything. Perhaps he wasn’t in the bathroom after all, but it couldn’t hurt to check.

She pulled on the door handle. It wouldn’t budge. Had Alastair locked himself in there? When she pulled a little harder, it broke open and Sona realized why she’d been unable to open the door. It was frozen. Everything in the bathroom was frozen, about half a meter of snow lying on the floor. It was a good thing the door opened to the outside, or she would not have gotten it open at all.

Alastair was lying on the snow, covered in a thin summer blanket. The cold had never bothered him, but he had always liked to hold a blanket when he slept. When he was little, he would sleep with a thin summer blanket in the coldest days of winter, perfectly content.

Should she wake him? He seemed peaceful, at least, now that he was asleep. But he had lost control in here before falling asleep, and she wanted to know what had happened. He hadn’t responded well to his father’s death, and she knew Elias and Alastair had never had the best relationship, but instead of grieving with her and Cordelia, he’d shut them out even more. Sona didn’t think he was alright.

Before she could make a decision, Alastair opened his eyes and pushed himself into a sitting position. Sona wrapped her arms around herself, it was freezing cold in here. That couldn’t be good for the baby, but she was determined to talk to her son.

‘What happened, azizam?’ she asked.

‘I’m sorry, maman,’ he said. ‘I lost control.’

‘I know,’ she said softly. ‘What happened?’

‘I was with Charles,’ he said. ‘He told me he’d been writing with the Duke of Weselton.’

Sona frowned. ‘What’s wrong with that? He’s one of our closest trading partners. Charles has not sabotaged our relationship with Weselton, has he?’

‘No, not like that. You see, the Duke has a daughter around my age and no other heir, and Charles wants to marry her. She will be here for the coronation, and Charles intends to propose there. He thinks the Duke is a powerful ally for him as well as for us. And the laws in Weselton are pretty backward, so if the Duke dies his daughter’s husband will inherit the title, the lands, everything.’

Sona knew Charles liked power, of course. Risa hated him for it, thought he couldn’t be trusted, but Sona couldn’t help but see that even if Charles was a little too power hungry for his own good, Alastair adored him. But if he took the title and became Duke of Weselton, why would that upset Alastair so much? Wouldn’t he be happy for his friend?

‘What does any of that have to do with you?’

Alastair sighed. ‘I know, it’s stupid. But he’ll leave me alone if he marries her. He’d go live in Weselton in the Duke’s palace. He cannot stay here anymore. He’s all I have, I couldn’t bear it if he left.’

Sona took his hand. It was ice cold. ‘You always knew he would return home someday, right? Charles was here to teach you and prepare you, and he has done that. You are ready to be king, joon-am. I know controlling the ice is hard, but you’re smart and compassionate and you will do fine if he’s not there.’

Secretly Sona thought perhaps Alastair would do even better without Charles there. She knew Alastair was kinder, and she feared perhaps it came from a place of self loathing but Alastair was not the kind of king who’d put his own needs before anyone else’s.

Alastair nodded weakly. ‘But I’d be all alone. When Charles and I first became friends, it was the first time I could control myself. As long as it was going well, I mean. I did sometimes lose control when he was upset with me, but he never saw. I don’t know what I’ll do when he’s gone.’

Alastair was crying. The tears froze into snowflakes before they even reached his cheeks. Watching her son cry had always been one of the strangest thing, as if he started snowing. It was heartbreaking to watch, and Sona wished she could hug him, but she knew Alastair wouldn’t let her. He was far too scared he’d hurt the baby.

‘You’re going to be alright,’ Sona said. ‘You’re lonely, I know that. Cordelia is too. But the coronation offers opportunities. Perhaps you’ll meet someone else who helps calm your moods and your ice. You could invite someone to stay, if you want, open the gates.’

Alastair shook his head. ‘It’s too dangerous. Charles is the only one I can trust. I tried, maman. I tried with Cordelia, but every time I go near her I am so scared I’ll hurt her and then the ice takes over.’

‘Perhaps we should return to Tessa,’ Sona suggested.

‘No. The coronation is too close. This curse, it can’t be controlled. Best to be alone, and do what’s right for Arendelle.’

Sona guessed if Alastair wouldn’t return to the village, she’d try to send an invitation for the coronation. Perhaps Tessa could come here and help figure out why Alastair couldn’t control the ice. It was the least she could do for her son.

[yakocchi]

Becoming a Family With Him, Part 3 // Shuichi, Hikaru, Rhion, Luke, Eisuke

so this came out, as further celebration for the anni. VERY GOOD, much more appreciated than the prior story set lol that one was kind of boring but i get it

they made the kids for all the... kid-less ones, and the eisuke one that used to be VIP-exclusive is now here for everyone to buy (rip those ppl who gacha for it)

my rambling behind the cut (spoilers!!)

shuichi // as ud expect, shuichi has a literal hime ass looking girl (kikyo) for a daughter. she’s only 6, but is pretty calm and ladylike. She even calls her parents with –sama so... ok luckily shuichi does not strip down all the way in the presence of her daughter and only takes off his suit coat. thanks dad

anyway since shuichi has a break coming up, he wants to have a family trip how nice. but then the dang girl wants to go over to see eisuke WHAT when soryu exists and lives a block away? unrelatable, im closing the app anyway eisuke is her first love, which wtf he’s like 20 yrs older than u. even worse, mc says she’s been in love since she was like 3.

shuichi is reconsidering the benefits of democracy in his mind but eventually relents. but then they’re still following the fucc-days rule they set years ago. well, as he says in the story, RULES ARE RULES

blah blah i don’t want to go over everything bc then it’ll be boring reading the story when it comes out in engl right? also im tired bc it’s 1 am and i just want to play toontown in bed but nothing really bad happens. they are a v cute family bc shuichi is a pleasant and mature dad. kikyo and mc even do a little surprise for him at the end and it is very sweet. i feel like out of all the families, this is the most ideal

mad hatter // so they have twin sons named Rui and Kai. Rui is the childlike one that resembles Rhion in personality, Kai is the more mature one that resembles Al. man i forget that boy’s name but u get me i know they only can use stock bgs but it’s killing me that these dang kids get to sleep in what looks like separate king sized beds.

even though rhion is now a father of two, he still acts like... 10. i mean he still horni but it makes me feel weird

later it’s revealed that Ota teaches them both as an art tutor bc they both showed an interest in art. this is cute bc ota is bad with kids in this universe LOL

the ending on this one was weird cuz the kids didn’t show up in the entirety of the last ep bc it was about WORK. so uh... interesting

hikaru // so their son is named akari. haha get it because it means light. like how hikaru also means light. can mc name her kids unrelated to their father or is that against the Geneva convention

this kid actually acts like an actual little boy. like what hikaru would’ve probably turned into if not for the whole sad backstory. the story starts with akari just bringing a dog randomly home one day. he actually saved the dog (it is very cute bc he did not want the dog to cry), and then after a talk they decide to keep the dog as long as akari knows the responsibility of taking care of an animal.

so next day, the bidders come over to their house and everyone’s like woaw a dog. lol they come into their house as guests and eisuke and mamo still demand for beverages, they all suck

akari names the dog... “Light” (Raito) and i want out of this nightmare. Naturally bc Light is an abandoned dog it’s still kind of bad with interacting with things. But then Light suddenly be giving the ( ╹ਊ╹) to soryu bc remember, animals love him. everyone clowns on soryu for being an unintentional dog whisperer and then akari is like “soryu san pls make me ur apprentice” and he gives some advice like approaching it slowly, and talking to it from the front instead of back.

blah blah there’s a situation where Light goes YEET after a Doberman gets all angry and then hides bc then another dog is scaring it. hikaru swoops in to the save the day as the Real Dog Whisperer. ok it’s cute when hikaru actually gets to look cool  for once LOL

luke // luke is cute on the bc “pre-story” scene he’s actually pretty open to the idea of having kids; he actually goes “well imo we should think abt it pretty soon, but i wanted to hear ur opinion on it” but then he gets horni. and then he’s like “our kids are going to have your collarbones. awesomeee im looking forward to that” ....ok

ok cut to the actual story and they’re in Japan. Luke’s kid looks... strange versus the others. why are his eyes so big? omg voltage his eyes arent going to be saucers just cuz he half white also the kid’s name is Yuri (Or Urey). They couldn’t think of any other Brit-styled names? Like Harry? Henry? William? Wilfred? hey stan be my princess btw he’s pretty cute, though he gives serious “timid kid that gets bullied in the children’s movie” vibes. He calls Luke “daddy” and mc “mammy/mommy”.

so luke talks about his relationship w/ soryu and eisuke and then yuri is like “i want friends like that” wow cute but also find less ethically-complicated friends

so luke lets yuri meet a young patient of his (haru) so they can be friends. they get along so it’s good. haru gets in critical condition later so luke zooms outta there to do the operation.

LOL but at the end yuri is like, “i want to make more friends. (...) can i go to the bidder’s room from now on?” this boy works fast

And then he’s like “Eisuke-san... please be my friend.” HIS POWER. even eisuke was like :O so then eisuke orders a whole bunch of food and books up to the penthouse. But then yuri’s like “...i like eisuke’s eyes” and everyone’s like oh man that’s gonna be his fetish

Baba: why have u started to have an interest in eyes Yuri: I read it from one of daddy’s medical books Hikaru: wtf u can read that at 4??? (...) Soryu: wat Yuri: um... i want soryu to be my friend too Yuri: bc soryu’s eyes are also powerfully cool...

eisuke // ok this gets an extended ramble bc the more annoying the story the longer i must complain

so you might be thinking, “oh so this is gonna be a flashback in some in media res styled story with your 2 kids, u know in the style of the others” and well, no you just go straight to white screen into the flashback, back when eito was smaller and thus a little more cute. well it’s not really false advertising bc they did say “reminisce” in the description. but i wanted to see eito be a good big brother for a moment! or... less good? man i wanted to see kaito go waaaah like a baby idk i wanted to see him exist

so back to the story they cut to small eito. even as a smaller punk he does fight with his dad a little, just w/ a more narrow vocabulary to work with. tho at this point he’s still pretty sweet so clearly eisuke clowning him day and night was a negative effect on his development. (doesn’t treat his child like a child) (child grows up to a punk that doesn’t respect him) (surprised pikachu) being the son of a billionaire means that this child has to go study at a very young age and listen to MOZART. no child of eisuke ichinomiya will be listening to degenerate bops like lee taemin’s criminal next day they all go to the very fancy school that eito will be attending. eisuke does a speech, but then eito is all like “why is papa over there all the time” in reference to how all the other parents in attendance are having fun with their children, but eisuke is busy talking to other people for business and connections etc. etc. mc kind of has a hard time trying to explain it to eito bc... it’s honestly poor parenting... eiji shows up after arriving late, and he’s like “gramps is gonna be with ya today! instead of papa” which is cute but then she’s like psst thanks for coming and im like oh... so grandpa just didn’t randomly come to the open house for fun he’s just gonna be surrogate dad while real dad is busy... aw... and then at the end eito’s like FUC THIS KINDERGARTEN. eisuke is like “(smh) don’t yell in public. (despite everything) you are still the eldest son of the Ichinomiya family”

and so afterwards it’s clear that eito does not want anything to do with this school. he just sits in the classroom until mc is there to pick him up instead of playing in the courtyard or w/e, wanting nothing to do with the other kids.

so later there’s a hiking trip for the students and both of their parents, and mc asks eisuke if he’ll be available for it. eisuke is like, “i have a business trip that day, so I’ll have to adjust my schedule” and he’s been very busy in the opening of a new business or w/e. mc tells him to not do so much for something like that and that it’s ok if she goes alone with eito on the trip.

it’s the day of the trip, and mc goes alone with eito. she notes that a lot of dads did indeed come along for the trip. she apologizes to eito and says that she did talk to eisuke about the trip before, but he’s simply busy for this day. and im like... but girl, you were the one who told him not to change his schedule for the trip. yes a trip may seem less important than business ventures, but don’t make it sound like you weren’t the one who stopped him. lol. idk why im pressed abt this single line of dialogue bc later she does realize she fucced up there well eito is just like w/e about it and has pretty much accepted that sort of thing

anyway eito goes missing later and one of the kids said that he told eito that his dad (eisuke) didn’t come bc his dad thinks that his work is more important than his son. so eito got mad and ran off somewhere

and then mc finally gets the lightbulb moment that eito... wants to see his dad!! he ran off to go try to see him somehow??? !! wow so sweet

it’s raining like a mf but then in her search for eito eisuke randomly pops out of nowhere. He’s like “ho i did not remember saying that i wasn’t coming” and she’s like “im sorrryyy” and both me and him are like “just find the dang kid”

ok yea they find eito, he starts being a good student, and u start to see where he starts being antagonistic towards his dad LOL etc. etc. lol this story annoyed me so i don’t feel like doing the rest of the play by play orz

anyway thanks for reading my garbage LOL

[hookingminor]

three lessons (final) - mat barzal

a/n: here is part 3 and the last installment of the series! I know it’s short but it kinda felt weird titling it “three lessons” and making it more than 3 parts so I'm just ending it here lmao please lmk your thoughts and comments I hope u all enjoyed this

word count: 4k

warnings (18+): loss of virginity, smut

PART ONE / PART TWO

-

Mat didn’t call or text you for two weeks. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. He did text you, but it was only to brush you off and make excuses every time regarding why he couldn’t see you.

In hindsight, Mat knew it was a terrible idea. Even now, intrinsically, he knew it was a terrible idea. But men were not known to be logical, and Mat was no exception.

So, he did the only thing he could think of: he ignored you altogether. Complete radio silence for two weeks.

The thing with ignoring you was that it gave him all the time in the world to think. He tried formulating ideas in his mind about how to ask you out, but every one seemed corny.

He contemplated just asking you out, but the threat of rejection scared him too much from pursuing that. He wondered if he should talk to your brother first, but Mat didn’t know how he was going to explain to his captain that he’d secretly been sleeping with his younger sister and now wanted to ask her on a date. That seemed like a recipe for disaster and a sure way to get his ass kicked. And lastly, he also considered just lying to you about your sexual skills just so he’d have a reason to keep seeing you. That one, however, risked offending you, and the last thing he wanted was to make you feel insecure or embarrassed.

Along with pondering about how to hang out with you outside the context of sex, he also thought about being with you within it.

Mat thought long and hard about what he wanted to do during your last time together if he was only given one more opportunity. Many of his thoughts included your hot, wet mouth wrapped around him, a fantasy that he had gotten himself off to more than he’d like to admit. Other thoughts included him taking you from behind, maybe pressed against his wall, or even bent over his couch.

Frankly, there were just too many things Mat wanted to do to you, but he knew he didn’t have much time left. And that was why he was relying on his own charm to win you over so he didn’t have to choose what he wanted to do.

This internal debate raged on inside his head for two weeks, and Mat still didn’t have a clue about how to carry on. On one side, if he came off too strong, he risked you pulling away and breaking things off. On the other side, if he strung you along, he feared you’d only see him as a casual hookup. The last one he was able to bounce off of, but he didn’t want to hide his feelings.

Mat liked to be straightforward with the people he slept with, and sleeping with you while also hoping for more wasn’t straightforward.

And it’s not like he could go to anyone for advice, which he desperately needed right now.

You contacted him a few times to follow up and see when he’d next be available, but it was clear he was either very busy outside of hockey or he didn’t want to see you. Your heart dropped a little when you thought about the latter because you really thought you had a good time together. But maybe that was all in your head and he experienced something completely different.

You hadn’t expected your first time having sex would be phenomenal to him, but you at least thought it would be tolerable. See? This is why you needed the help. You were never going to get good at sex if you didn’t even have someone to have sex with.

After his last rejection, this time saying his family was coming into town, you decided to drop the subject. You weren’t going to beg him for sex, and if he didn’t want to see you, he didn’t want to see you.

So why were you upset at the fact he was ignoring you?

You tried your hardest to push the negative thoughts to the back of your mind. He’d served his purpose and could move on with his life for all you cared. You could be mature about this. You could let it go and continue with business as usual.

But, you also felt the need to pick yourself up a little bit, which is why you decided on a girl’s night out. If Mat wouldn’t sleep with you anymore, you would find someone who would. You just hoped the alcohol would make up for the fact that you didn’t know what you were doing.

Was it a smart choice? No, but you stopped making smart decisions when you asked Mat to help you. What was one more bad choice?

You dragged your roommate from her studying to force her out with you. It was out of character for you to be so excited for a night out, but even though she was skeptical, she didn’t question your intentions.

Dressing yourself to the nines, you perfected every aspect of your look. Even if nothing happened from tonight, you wanted to make it count. After taking a few selfies, making sure to post them to your story, you ordered a car to take you to the club.

“Are you going to tell me what this is all about?” Your roommate asked as you adjusted your boobs in your dress.

“Do you really want to know?” You questioned back, knowing well she wasn’t one to talk about feelings.

“Not really. I don’t feel like playing therapist tonight, but it’s my roomie duty to ask at least,” she shrugged, slipping on a pair of boots.

“Then don’t worry about it. Let’s just focus on getting drunk,” you replied with a wide smile. She gave you an eye roll back but didn’t argue.

-

The second Mat stepped into the club, he knew something was off. He wasn’t sure, but the air around him felt charged with something… he just didn’t know what.

Less than ten minutes later, he figured out what it was. It was you.

He spotted you on the dance floor from his booth dancing seductively with your friend. Mat did a double-take, not actually sure if it was you or if the two weeks without you was finally playing tricks on his mind. He blinked once, twice, three times before he registered it was you.

“Already got your eye on someone, Barzy?” His friend asked with a chuckle, nudging Mat’s side with his elbow. Mat tore his gaze away from you quickly, not realizing he had been staring for so long.

Mat was thankful he was out with some friends rather than his teammates because he would’ve been seared on sight if someone saw him ogling you. Still, he didn’t want to take the chance any of them would recognize you.

“Nah, just looking around,” he said, laughing off the awkwardness.

Mat didn’t dare look back at the dance floor despite how badly he really wanted to. The last thing he needed was his friends chirping him about a woman this early on in the night, especially when that woman was you.

He waited about five minutes and for the drinks to arrive, the guys's attention focused on the beers instead of Mat, before he glanced back.

He found you instantly, but the lustful shock he felt initially was replaced with jealousy and resentment when he saw you were no longer dancing alone. His eyes focused on the pair of hands that were gripping your hips, only a few centimeters from your ass.

Mat tried to suppress the roiling feeling in his stomach when he saw you laugh at something the stranger whispered in your ear. His grip around the beer bottle tightened and he took a long swig, forcing himself to turn his attention back towards the table before it got suspicious.

His friends were talking about the latest Knicks game, but every word they said was going in one ear and out the other. The only thing Mat could think about was how you were less than twenty-five feet away dancing with someone that wasn’t him, how you were laughing with someone that wasn’t him, how you were letting someone touch you that wasn’t him.

He risked another look but regretted it instantly when he saw the same guy was still there.

“Alright, what’s up with you, Barz?” Someone called from the table. He whipped his head back to see who addressed him, finding all of his friends staring at him expectantly.

“Nothing. Just thought I saw someone I knew,” he brushed off casually, “What were we talking about?”

“We were talking about the game,” his friend said, putting emphasis on the ‘we,’ “You were staring at that little thing over there in the tight jeans. So who is she?”

“Just someone I know,” he muttered, taking another sip of his beer.

“You wanna go talk to her? Should we invite her over here?” His friend offered.

“No,” Mat said a little too quickly He closed his eyes in defeat, realizing he’d just given his friends exactly what they wanted.

“Is the infamous Mat Barzal jealous?” A crowd of ‘ooh’s sounded around the table. Mat flattened them all with a glare, but the smirks didn’t fall.

“Just go get her, Mat,” one of the guys said after a moment, “You’re no use to us being pissy all night.” The other guys nodded their agreement, gesturing for him to leave.

“Fine. You’re all assholes anyway,” Mat grumbled reluctantly. He set his nearly empty beer back on the table before pushing himself out of the booth, a chorus of whoops following him as he threaded his way through the crowded dance floor over to you.

Mat found you easily as he hadn’t taken his eyes off you the entire night. He walked up next to the guy who you were currently gyrating against and put a strong hand on his shoulder.

“Show’s over, buddy. Get moving,” Mat yelled over the music, nudging his head towards the door. The stranger turned to give him a funny look, but he quickly backed down when he saw how much space Mat took up. Mat wasn’t in the mood to play games right now, and the guy easily picked up on that.

You turned your head around when you felt the body you’d been dancing with for the past twenty minutes move. Your waist wasn’t unoccupied for long, a pair of hands quickly replacing the ones you’d lost.

“Mat?” You asked in confusion, stopping your dancing to fully face him. Mat kept your body close, though, hands dropping to rest on your ass.

“What are you doing here?” He asked, bending down to say it into your ear.

“I was having a good time,” you replied, annoyed at the way he just cock blocked you.

“With that guy? No you weren’t,” he said confidently.

“I was, actually. I have to talk to someone since you’ve clearly been ignoring me,” you said with an eye roll. He ignored the jab you threw at him.

“It didn’t look like you were doing a lot of talking.”

“I’m surprised you even know what talking is considering how little of it you do,” you snapped, pulling out of his hold.

Mat didn’t let you slip out of his reach, though, hand grabbing your wrist before you could get too far. He knew you were about two seconds from walking away from him, probably for good.

“Then how about we go back to my apartment and talk,” he said impulsively, almost on the verge of begging.

“Now you want to talk?” You retorted, crossing your arms.

“Or we can not talk?” He suggested, hoping the smirk he gave conveyed more than what he said.

“Final lesson?” You propositioned, raising a brow. Mat’s features fell quickly as his heart rate picked up. He didn’t plan on a final lesson, at least not right now, but he knew if you left tonight the odds he saw you again were slim.

“I didn’t really have anything planned yet,” he recovered quickly, “but tonight can be a free pass…”

“So not a lesson?” You countered.

“Oh, it’s a lesson,” he explained, “Just not our last one.”

“You’re playing with fire here...,” you trailed off, faking contemplation as you considered his offer. You knew the second he asked, you were going to say yes. Despite the irritation at the fact he was acting like nothing was wrong, your libido had a mind of its own as it remembered the last time his tongue was on you.

“Trust me, I know,” Mat chuckled, bringing your body into his once again.

“Take me home then, Barzal.”

Mat was already leading you towards the entrance before you finished your sentence.

-

You were pushing Mat backwards towards the couch when you stumbled through his front door. Your hands flew up to push the jean jacket off his shoulders as you both kicked off your shoes in the doorway. He never broke the kiss as the back of his calves hit the couch.

Mat plopped down on the cushions, hands guiding you to straddle his lap. Your fingers gripped the back of his neck as you deepened the kiss and entangled your tongue with his. You gently rocked your hips against his, feeling him harden beneath you. His hand squeezed your ass through your jeans as he audibly groaned into your mouth.

“How much have you had to drink tonight?” Mat breathed out when you pulled back and began pressing kisses against his neck.

“I stopped drinking like two hours ago,” you said into his ear, nipping at the skin.

“Okay, I just wanted to make sure before…” he said, ending the sentence in a groan when you sucked harshly at his throat.

“Before what?” You asked, pulling back to look him in the eyes.

Mat’s eyes darkened as he bit his lip contemplatively, bringing his hand up to drag his thumb over your bottom lip.

“Get on your knees,” he stated, moving his hand to cup your cheek.

Your eyes lit up at his order, a sly smirk appearing on your lips. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t looking forward to eventually getting him in your mouth, and the day had finally come.

Eagerly, you shimmied your body off his, lowering yourself onto your knees in front of him. Mat sat forward a little bit and reached down to grab the hem of your shirt. He lifted it over your body with ease, tossing it somewhere off to the side. You looked up at him with doe eyes, an innocent look on your face as you awaited further instructions.

“Fuck, don’t give me that look or this will be a very short lesson,” Mat cursed.

You didn’t change your features as you asked your next question.

“What do I do first?”

“Take my pants off,” he commanded.

You did as he said, moving your hands to unbuckle his belt and unzipping his jeans. Mat lifted his hips up slightly to help you tug his pants down, bringing his boxers along with them. You pulled them over his feet and tossed them to join your shirt. His cock sprung out at full length, resting against his abdomen. You leaned back on your heels after you freed him, pausing a moment to take it all in.

“Just a disclaimer, but I’m probably not going to be good at this,” you said with a light laugh, hoping your nervousness wasn’t showing.

“I promise just about anything you do will feel good,” Mat chuckled darkly, “And I’ll guide you through it.”

Mat could tell what he said did little to calm your nerves, so he leaned forward and brought your face closer to his. He gave you a sweet kiss on the lips and brought a hand to run through your hair to make you feel more comfortable.

“Just start slow, okay?” He reassured, pulling back to tug his shirt off. You nodded your head and tentatively brought your hand to grasp his dick.

Slowly, you squeezed your hand gently, twisting up and down as you familiarized yourself with him. Mat’s hands reached out to the back cushions, tightly gripping the fabric as you ran your thumb over his tip. You spread the precum over the head of his dick, bringing your thumb to your lips and sucking it into your mouth.

“Jesus, please do something,” Mat groaned, eyes dark as he watched you lick your thumb. He felt two seconds away from combusting and you hadn’t even put your mouth on him yet.

Taking him back in your hand, you held eye contact as you pressed light kisses on his thighs, slowly moving upwards. When you reached his base, you leaned in and licked a long stripe along the underside of his cock all the way to his tip. Mat’s jaw fell slack, but you didn’t give him time to recover as you closed your lips over the head.

You hollowed your cheeks against him, sucking lightly. His hand darted out to tangle in your hair when you sucked him and a deep moan escaped his lips. Mat’s fingers fisted your hair to softly encourage your timid movements.

“Move your hands with it,” he said breathlessly. You listened to his advice and moved your hand in tandem with your mouth.

Mat pressed your head down a little further, careful to not overwhelm you. You took a couple more inches easily, squeezing what you couldn’t reach at his base. When you drew back around his tip, you sucked your lips together tightly and Mat threw his head back against the couch.

“Holy shit,” Mat stammered, his hips instinctively thrusting up, “I’m close.”

You weren’t confident enough you could swallow your first time, so you didn’t take any chances. The last thing you wanted to do was ruin the moment by trying to be bold. Withdrawing your mouth from his length, you finished jerking him off with your hand until Mat’s abs were tensing in front of you. A few seconds later he was coming, coating your chest as his eyes shut and mouth fell open in a silent gasp.

“Fuck, baby,” Mat moaned when he opened his eyes, taking in your swollen lips and freshly fucked face, “I can’t even express how hot you look right now.” Reaching down and picking you up by your waist, he pulled you back onto his lap as he kissed you deeply.

Not caring about the mess between you, Mat hitched your legs around his waist and carried you to the bedroom.

Tossing you on the bed, Mat rushed to the bathroom to grab a washcloth, lobbing it over to you to clean yourself off. He didn’t wait another second before nestling himself between your legs.

“My turn,” he smirked, attaching his lips to your dripping cunt.

-

Mat woke up the next morning to the sun filtering in through his curtains and the sound of your soft snores. He blinked his eyes open, gaze immediately falling down to the sight of you curled into his side and your head resting on his chest.

He brushed the few strands of your hair that had flown up into his face out of the way. Careful not to wake you, he very gently slid out from your grip and used his hand to place your head on the pillow.

Since he’d completely fucked up every plan he originally had by bringing you home last night, he had to think of a new plan.

Mat threw on a pair of sweatpants quickly and silently left his bedroom, making his way towards the kitchen. He figured he didn’t have much time before you woke up and noticed he was gone, so he had to work fast.

-

You woke up to the smell of something burning. Sitting up swiftly, you panicked, thinking the apartment was somehow on fire before you heard the clang of a pan in the kitchen followed by a loud “Shit!”

Confusion etching across your features, you rolled yourself out of bed and slipped on one of Mat’s shirts before padding out into the hallway.

The sight before you was one of chaos. You turned the corner and walked into a war zone. Mat was hunched over the sink, rinsing out a pan that had steam rising furiously into the air.

“What the hell did you do?” You asked with wide eyes, glancing at the amount of dishes that cluttered the counters. Mat jumped back in surprise, pan falling out of his hand and crashing into the sink.

“You weren’t supposed to be up yet,” he said hurriedly, turning his attention to the pan on the stove that has now started to smoke up.

“Were you trying to make breakfast?” You wondered, laughing at his disheveled state.

“Yes,” he replied, “I’m not very good at cooking.”

“Yeah, I can see that,” you chuckled, “Why were you making breakfast?”

“I was trying to impress you, but I can’t cook to save my life,” he explained, turning off the stove.

“Why were you trying to impress me?” Shit, he hadn’t even realized the slip-up.

“Uh, I was meaning to talk to you about that over breakfast,” he said awkwardly, turning to face you.

“Well, since you burned breakfast why don’t you just talk to me now?” You suggested, taking a seat at the counter.

Mat slowly walked his way over to you, stopping when he was standing across from you, only the counter separating you. His eyes focused on the granite as he cleared his throat.

“I was, uh, I was going to ask you if you maybe wanted to go on a date with me some time?” He asked sheepishly.

“Oh,” you replied, both in confusion and surprise.

“Oh?” He repeated, finally lifting his eyes to meet yours.

“I didn’t expect that, is all,” you stated, a blush rising to your cheeks.

“I know we said no strings, but I really want to take you out and, you know, hang out with you without the sex,” he explained. You raised your eyebrows at him.

“Not that the sex is bad,” he rambled quickly, “The sex is great, fantastic actually, I just think you’re cool and want to get to know you better.”

“Why me?” You asked, reiterating the same question he had when you asked him for his help.

“I don’t know,” he sighed, “There’s just something about you, and I want to figure out what that is. I wanted to ask you out after our last, uh, get together, but I didn’t know how to ask you.”

“Is that why you ignored me?”

“I swear I wasn’t intentionally ignoring you,” he said, “I just wanted a game plan before I saw you again, but then I saw you last night and... yeah.”

Your lips twisted up at his last statement as you reveled in Mat’s sudden shyness. You hadn’t expected him to ever be interested in you like this, but it was a pleasant surprise nonetheless.

Mat watched the smile spread across your face, but he wasn’t quite sure how to take it. It didn’t look like you were about to reject him, but he couldn’t be positive.

“You want to ask me on a date?” You gushed, hopping off your seat and walking towards him.

“Yeah, I do,” he smiled down at you, pulling you closer by your hips.

“How does breakfast right sound?” You offered, reaching up to wrap your hands around his neck.

“Right now sounds perfect,” he answered, leaning down to kiss your lips. You must’ve misread the situation because what Mat wanted to be a sweet peck soon turned heated as you deepened the kiss.

Mat moaned lightly when you pulled back, head leaning forward to chase your lips.

“Wait, we still have to figure out one thing,” you chuckled, turning your face so his lips met your cheek instead.

“What’s that?” He muttered.

“We have to tell my brother,” you giggled.

Mat’s head fell against your shoulder as he let out a disgruntled groan.

“Maybe we can wait a little bit until then?” He teased.

You laughed loudly at the way his brown eyes widened to give you what you assumed was his attempt at a puppy-dog look.

“Yeah, we can wait a while.”

[robininthelabyrinth]

Delight in Misery (ao3) - part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4

A-Yuan

-

Jin Ling was pretty cool, in Lan Yuan’s opinion, and he didn’t even feel the need to caveat it with the statement that it was as far as young brothers went.

He didn’t really remember a time when Jin Ling wasn’t around – he’d had a bad fever that had eaten away much of his early memories, leaving only a few vague faces and a smile and something that sometimes gives him nightmares he doesn’t quite remember, but since he’s a few years older than baby Jin Ling, that meant there must have been a time when Jin Ling wasn’t there.

Back before, before Hanguang-jun adopted him and before Sect Leader Jiang managed to win the right to raise Jin Ling, who was only his sister’s son, at his home – they wouldn’t have been brothers back then.

Lan Yuan didn’t like to think too much about before. It gave him a headache.

(Except when he thought about someone smiling -)

Anyway, before was one of the secrets. 

Lan Yuan knew all about secrets: he was extremely trustworthy, according to Hanguang-jun and even Sect Leader Jiang, a very mature and intelligent child who knew when and to whom to speak, and that meant he got to know all the cool secrets.

That meant it was his job to make sure Jin Ling kept the secrets, too.

“So, remember, what do we do when your grandmother comes to visit?” he asked encouragingly.

“Talk about her,” Jin Ling said obediently. He was a good kid, even if he had temper tantrums sometimes. “Don’t say anything about the Lotus Pier.”

“That’s right!” Lan Yuan cheered. “If you don’t talk about it, you can’t give any of the secrets away!”

Jin Ling nodded. “I’ll keep the secrets!” But then he frowned. “What are the secrets?”

“What do you mean? We know lots of secrets. Cool secrets!”

Well, some of the secrets were cool, anyway. The ones about how Zidian worked, and the hidden places in the walls, and some of the nasty stuff that Sect Leader Jiang said about the other sect leaders that no one was supposed to repeat and which made even the sailors look pretty impressed, and there was also the super-secret Yunmeng Jiang technique for getting fish to come up to you – it involved your toes and a lot of eye-rolling by Hanguang-jun.

According to Sect Leader Jiang, the eye-rolling was especially critical for it to work, but luckily they had Hanguang-jun for that; he was an expert.

(There was a secret, too, about Sect Leader Jiang’s shixiong and Hanguang-jun’s friend that they sometimes told stories about, the one called Wei Wuxian, and the secret was that that they both loved him even though he’d done bad things.)

Hanguang-jun was one of the secrets, too.

Lan Yuan wasn’t entirely sure why he was a secret, but it was very important that they not tell anyone that he was there. He’d gotten hurt really bad a few years back, really bad, bad enough that he hadn’t walked for a whole year and even after that couldn’t do much more than limp around with Sect Leader Jiang’s help. He ended up needing to learn the sword again the same way Lan Yuan did, except he got better at it a whole lot faster – it was because he was grown up, according to Sect Leader Jiang, and grown-ups had special cheating powers that let them do stuff like that super quick.

(Hanguang-jun said the only cheat was experience, but Lan Yuan preferred the cheating adult powers explanation.)

It was pretty cool to be trusted enough to know secrets, most of the time. The only time it wasn’t cool were times like this, when old Madame Jin came around and said mean things about Lan Yuan not being raised right and it being a pity that her beloved grandson was growing up with no father or mother to teach him.

It made Jin Ling cry whenever she said that, because it was the same thing the mean kids on the Pier used to say to him before Sect Leader Jiang had announced very loudly that he wasn’t so proud or dignified that he wouldn’t throw hands with small children if it made Jin Ling stop crying. It made Lan Yan  so angry because she was Jin Ling’s grandmother, shouldn’t she care if he was crying?

She didn’t, not really; she just snapped at him for being weak. She was mostly just angry about everything: about the fact that he was being raised by Sect Leader Jiang instead of at Lanling where no one wanted to take care of him; about the fact that she wasn’t powerful enough to have stopped that decision from getting made no matter what she tried; about the fact that he wasn’t old enough to do anything useful, as she termed it; about his parents being dead, which wasn’t his fault at all –

It was wrong, too. Jin Ling might not have a mother or father to teach him, but that didn’t matter because he had Hanguang-jun and Sect Leader Jiang instead; who needed any more than that?

But he couldn’t say that, because Hanguang-jun was a secret.

Still, it didn’t mean that Lan Yuan was going to put up with it. Not this time!

He put on his best Hanguang-jun face – neutral but with his eyebrows a little arched like he was asking a question that he sincerely wanted to know the answer to – and asked her: “Are you a hag or a night-witch? They take different talismans to be banished, so I need to know which one to get.”

It wasn’t as deadpan or witty as Hanguang-jun was when he was trying nor as vicious and cutting as Sect Leader Jiang when he was on a tear, but it did the trick, given that the trick was to get her to yell at him instead of bullying Jin Ling any longer.

Lan Yuan was tough: she meant nothing to him, so he was fine with being called a worthless bastard (he knew he wasn’t worthless, so odds were good that he probably wasn’t a bastard either) or a whore’s son (whatever a whore was, he was moderately sure Hanguang-jun had never met one), a waste of space (how could space be wasted?) or a disrespectful brat (possibly true, even though he normally thought of himself as being quite nice).

He wasn’t expecting her to slap him.

“Gege!” Jin Ling shrieked, horrified out of his tears as he rushed across the room to Lan Yuan’s side; he was on the floor somehow, he must have fallen when she hit him. “You can’t hit gege!”

“Don’t address him like that,” Madam Jin snapped. “Pull yourself together – you’re the heir to Lanling Jin, you don’t need to address some bastard as – ”

She was interrupted a crackling sound, like wood popping in the fire, and Lan Yuan automatically smiled, even though it hurt his mouth to do so.

No one lasted long at the Lotus Pier without knowing what Zidian sounded like.

Sect Leader Jiang’s face was as black as Lan Yuan had ever seen it, and that was saying something, given that Sect Leader Jiang preferred scowling to just about any other expression out there.

“Madame Jin,” he said, and she tensed, clearly gearing up for a fight. “Thank you for coming to visit.”

She blinked, clearly surprised – wondering why he wasn’t making a fuss, most likely. Lan Yuan licked the blood from his split lip with a grin and held Jin Ling’s hand in his: he knew better.

“It’s such a pity that you have to leave so soon,” Sect Leader Jiang continued.

“What are you talking about, I’m not –”

Zidian lashed out, leaving a burnt mark less than a hands’ breadth away from her head.

“It is your choice whether you leave by your own free will or get carried out of by my guards,” Sect Leader Jiang snarled, his cold anger abruptly igniting. “How dare you strike A-Yuan? How dare you strike any child? If you’ve dared laid hands on Jin Ling –”

“I would never,” she snapped, but she was backing away: Sect Leader Jiang’s reputation preceded him. “A-Ling is –”

“If you did that, I’d put you in my dungeons,” Sect Leader Jiang continued as if he couldn’t hear her. His eyes were red and bloodshot with rage. “Surely no one could hurt their own grandchild, their own blood. Perhaps you’ve been possessed? I’ve heard rumors of demonic cultivation near your maternal family’s home…”

There was a bit more bluster after that, but Madame Jin retreated quickly, and then she was flying away from the Lotus Pier as quick as she could go.

After all, everyone knew how bad Sect Leader Jiang was when it came to demonic cultivators – and what he supposedly did to them in his dungeons.

It was a little funny, actually, since as far as Lan Yuan knew, the Lotus Pier didn’t actually have dungeons at the moment; the old ones had long ago been repurposed as storerooms and no one had ever quite bothered to replace them. And though Sect Leader Jiang did question demonic cultivators in the storerooms, right next to the rice and beans, it wasn’t – what people said it was.

Lan Yuan wouldn’t have believed such horrible things about Sect Leader Jiang anyway, but as it happened he’d heard Sect Leader Jiang screaming about it when he and Hanguang-jun were having one of their fights. They didn’t fight often, not real fighting, and they were very good at trying to make sure neither he nor Jin Ling were around for them when they did, but A-Yuan had gotten up especially late that night because of a nightmare he couldn’t quite remember and he’d overheard them by accident.

(“Is that really what you think of me? That I disregard all morality, all righteousness, that I’m blinded by hatred, that I wanted – that I wanted him to – to –”

“No. I know you loved him.”

“It wasn’t him, at the end. It couldn’t have been him, he couldn’t – jiejie’s dead. Everyone’s dead. All corpses, all, everyone around me just marking time until they’re dead, too –”

“Jiang Cheng, calm down; your mind is becoming unstable. I should not have asked –”

“But they’re not wrong! I do hurt them, even when I don’t mean to, even when I let them go later. I’m not righteous, I’m not; I find them, I stop them, I take them from where they’re hurting people – someone has to – and what if they’re him? What do I do if they’re him? I question every one of them. No one else can do it, I have to – it’s my fault, it’s my – he wouldn’t have started down that path but for me –”

“Jiang Cheng –”

“So many people hurt because of me, stupid selfish me, and still all I care about is making sure that I’m the one to find him first, just like I said I’d be back at the siege. I have to be the first one to find him so that no one else can hurt him, because if they find him they will – but now I’m the one, I’m the one who hurts them instead and all because I don’t know – I can’t judge – I get so angry –”

“Calm yourself. This is not irresolvable: I will help you question them, to see if any of them are him, and when that is done, we will decide their fate together. The guilty treated as guilty, the innocent as innocent. Or do you doubt my judgment?”

“…only in terms of romance.” A breath. “That would work. Thank you.”)

The second Madame Jin was gone, Sect Leader Jiang was kneeling in front of Lan Yuan, touching his split lip lightly with his fingers, a distressed expression on his face. “I shouldn’t have let her come,” he muttered. “Shouldn’t have let her see you. I knew she was sensitive about children, ever since Lianfeng-zun fully eclipsed her in influence…you need a doctor.”

“I’m fine,” Lan Yuan protested, even as he was swept up into Sect Leader Jiang’s arms. “Sect Leader Jiang…”

“No. Doctor, now.”

“I don’t need it! It’s just a little thing – Hanguang-jun could fix it!”

“Fine. Then we’re going to see him.”

“Take me, too!” Jin Ling demanded, tugging at Sect Leader Jiang’s leg. “Jiujiu, take me! I don’t want to see grandmother again! She’s a bad lady! She hurt gege, and all he did was say she was a hag!”

“She made Jin Ling cry!” Lan Yuan exclaimed, hideously embarrassed. “I had to get her attention away from –”

“You did the right thing, A-Yuan,” Sect Leader Jiang said, scooping up Jin Ling and heading towards the inner quarters where Hanguang-jun would be waiting. “Never let anyone attack your family. No matter what. You hear me? No matter what.”

-

Lan Yuan had had four panic attacks, seven nightmares, and at least twelve rather uncharacteristic temper tantrums (mostly just persistent pouting) over having to go visit the Cloud Recesses, and he was starting to think that he’d overreacted.

The Cloud Recesses was, despite all his fears…actually pretty cool.

Kind of like Hanguang-jun had said all along. And Sect Leader Jiang had even agreed, albeit with his usual caveats and complaining – mostly about the food, and something about quizzes.

It was still scary, though. Lan Yuan had gone on trips outside of the Lotus Pier with Sect Leader Jiang and the other Jiang disciples (he still thought of himself as halfway a Jiang disciple, even though his surname was Lan and he was apparently part of the Lan sect now?), but that was all in Yunmeng except for that one trip he’d taken with Sect Leader Jiang to some place in Qishan that he’d thought was a great deal of fun but which had made Hanguang-jun ask Sect Leader Jiang for a moment of his time in a way that meant Sect Leader Jiang was about to get a very stern talking to, and after that they hadn’t gone again.

This time, though, he wasn’t just going for a single visit, there and back again on Sandu; he was going for a whole month – maybe even a whole season if he liked the first month, but he’d already secretly decided he wouldn’t. Sect Leader Jiang would be there at the beginning, but he couldn’t stay for very long, and of course Hanguang-jun couldn’t go at all.

“For now,” Sect Leader Jiang had told him as they were flying, Lan Yuan held in his arms like he was Jin Ling even though he was old enough to stand on Sandu by himself as long as he was holding onto someone. Sect Leader Jiang had insisted, though, and Lan Yuan was shamefully grateful for it. “In the future, Hanguang-jun will be able to go with you and stay here while you’re here.”

“Really?” Lan Yuan had said, eyes wide. He’d never gone on a trip with Hanguang-jun before, first because he was injured and then because he was a secret, so that would be a brand-new experience – wait. “You didn’t say anything about future trips!”

Sect Leader Jiang had coughed, except it sounded a bit like laughter. “Nothing’s been decided,” he’d said. “We need to see if you’ll even like the place. If you don’t, well, there’s precedent for clan members joining other sects, and of course the Jiang sect would be happy to have you.”

That had been a relief.

Possibly it had been the relief of knowing he wasn’t going to get stuck there – sent away again – that had let him relax and start exploring the new place, which was nice and gentle and quiet in a way the Lotus Pier really wasn’t, except maybe for Hanguang-jun’s rooms…

Wait.

Lan Yuan turned and narrowed his eyes at Sect Leader Jiang. “Is this where the secret is from?” he demanded.

There was another cough-laugh, this time from Uncle Lan Xichen, who was apparently actually called Zewu-jun or else Sect Leader Lan; he’d come out with them to show them around. “The secret?” he asked Sect Leader Jiang, his eyebrows arched.

“He’s a child! They talk unless they’re told a reason not to, so we came up with a reason. I’m not sure what you were expecting us to do,” Sect Leader Jiang said, crossing his arms with a huff. “Put your brother in seclusion and deny him access to his son until he could walk again?”

Sect Leader Lan winced briefly. “I meant no offense, Sect Leader Jiang. It was only that I hadn’t realized how much effort went into keeping – into ensuring Wangji’s privacy.”

“A-Yuan was the easy one,” Sect Leader Jiang said, long-suffering. “When Jin Ling started talking…there’s no reasoning with a one-year-old. At least no one ever figured out who ‘ha-ju’ was.”

Sect Leader Lan abruptly stopped walking and raised a hand to his head, as if suffering from a sudden headache. “The Discussion Conference! When he kept reaching out to me, wanting me to hold him, and then crying when I did…!”

Sect Leader Jiang snickered. “He kicked Sect Leader Jin in the face trying to get to you,” he said in the tone of someone who enjoyed the memory very much. “A good kid.”

Lan Yuan nodded. Jin Ling was, in fact, a very good kid. Even his temper tantrums were getting more and more under control, which was inevitable under Hanguang-jun’s iron fist – if he could get Sect Leader Jiang to stop having so many temper tantrums, Jin Ling didn’t stand a chance.

No one did. Hanguang-jun could do anything.

Sect Leader Lan shook his head. “I can still scarcely believe it,” he murmured. “It seems – ah.”

“Ah?” Sect Leader Jiang echoed.

“It appears that Uncle has returned earlier than I had expected.”

“…you know what, I think I have some paperwork I need to get to,” Sect Leader Jiang said, which was probably both true and a sign that this ‘Uncle’ was either very scary or very annoying. “A-Yuan, act cute.”

Lan Yuan obediently arranged a pleasant smile on his face and widened his eyes.

“A very fine skill,” Sect Leader Lan praised, though his lips were twitching. “Come along, Sizhui; I’ll introduce you to Jingyi – I think you’ll get along.”

Lan Jingyi turned out to be a small scarecrow of a boy, too tall for his age and skinny to boot, and they sized each other up for a good while before Lan Jingyi broke out into a gap-toothed grin and said, “Wanna play?”

Lan Jingyi, Lan Yuan decided shortly thereafter, was awesome.

They ran around the Cloud Recesses (walked at speed, since running was forbidden), played with the rabbits and the birds, tumbled through the vegetable gardens as an obstacle course –

“And that’s just today!” Lan Jingyi crowed. “Wait until tomorrow when we have more time, Sizhui; I’ll show you the mountain, it’s really cool!”

Lan Jingyi, like Lan Yuan, didn’t have parents anymore, having misplaced them during the war like so many others had. He confirmed that sometimes the other children made comments about it – Lan Yuan wasn’t surprised – but also that most of them were too afraid of Teacher Lan to do much more than that, and that was moderately comforting.

Teacher Lan, apparently, was Lan Jingyi’s version of Hanguang-jun, and they sounded very similar in some ways, enough that Lan Yuan was giggling in sympathy and fellow-feeling.

He didn’t mean to slip up.

It was when they were dropping stones down a well. They’d just celebrated a particularly loud plop that had made Lan Yuan scold the rock for violating the rule against excess noise, much to Lan Jingyi’s laughter, and then Lan Jingyi said, pretty casually, “They don’t usually teach Lan sect rules outside of the Cloud Recesses, especially not with the clan-specific flourishes. So who taught you?”

Lan Yuan’s back went straight with fear. “I – no one.”

Lan Jingyi blinked at him. Probably because that was a terrible lie.

Probably because Lan Yuan didn’t like lying.

Lying is forbidden.

Hanguang-jun said so.

“You can’t tell anyone,” Lan Yuan said hurriedly. “It’s a secret. You have to promise not to tell!”

“But why is it a secret?” Lan Jingyi asked bemusedly. “You’re a Lan; it makes sense that you’d know the Lan rules.”

“Just promise,” Lan Yuan said. “Promise, and I’ll tell you.”

Lan Jingyi’s shout when he told him was loud enough to scare away all the rabbits.  

Maybe it had been mean to make Lan Jingyi promise to keep something a secret from Teacher Lan, especially since he was his version of Hanguang-jun, because Lan Yuan wouldn’t be able to keep anything a secret from Hanguang-jun, not even if he promised.

Sect Leader Jiang, maybe, if it was something nice to surprise him with – but not Hanguang-jun.

That was probably why he wasn’t really that surprised when Lan Jingyi showed up to his door with a guilty expression and threw himself at his feet to beg forgiveness, or why when he ran back to the place where he was staying with Sect Leader Jiang he found all the adults shouting at each other.

“What do we do?” Lan Jingyi asked, his eyes wet with tears as he showed him a little hiding place that let them hear everything the adults were saying without getting caught. “I’ve never seen them this angry…you’re not supposed to yell inside the Cloud Recesses!”

“It’s okay,” Lan Yuan decided after watching for a little. He might not know Teacher Lan at all, and Sect Leader Lan not so great either no matter how much he looked like Hanguang-jun, but he knew Sect Leader Jiang very well and his face wasn’t nearly red enough to make him worry. If anything, he almost looked – pleased? Was he deliberately causing trouble? And after all those lectures about not starting anything…

Hmm, on second thought, most of those lectures had been from Hanguang-jun, and Hanguang-jun had been glaring over his head the entire time. Maybe they hadn’t been aimed at him at all.

“What do you mean that it’s okay? They’re fighting!”

“It’s a good type of fighting,” Lan Yuan explained wisely. “This is the sort of fighting that adults do when they have too many feelings and they can’t keep them all inside, so they have to throw them at each other instead.”

“…really?”

“Really. Sect Leader Jiang has a lot of those. They just need to wear themselves out.” At least, he thought so – that was what they did during Jin Ling’s tantrums. “Come on, let’s leave them to it; they’re not saying anything interesting, anyway.”

(“- have no right to refuse to tell us that he was hiding Wangji!”

“But Master Lan, how was I to know you were looking for him? After all, no one ever said – it was all just causal hellos and have-you-seen-any-Lan-sect-recently, never saying anything directly. And all the rumors said he was in seclusion.”

“Sophistry. You knew he wasn’t!”

“I did. I also knew that his sect didn’t seem to care enough about his well-being, after thirty-three strikes with the discipline whip, to actually bother to ask.”

“You -! I should think you of all people, Sect Leader Jiang, would understand our need to make sure he would never again be deceived by the likes of Wei Wuxian –”

“If you dare speak his name again in my presence, Master Lan, I will forget that you were once my teacher. Mark your words!”)

By the next morning, Teacher Lan had a stiff expression, Sect Leader Lan an exhausted one, and Sect Leader Jiang a distinct resemblance to a cat that has just left a corpse on the floor to show off its hunting prowess.

“Looks like I’m definitely staying here the full season,” Lan Yuan told Lan Jingyi, who looked so delighted by the idea that it almost made him feel okay about it. “Now it’s a principle.”

“A principle like our sect rules?”

“No, the type of principle where you want to show that you’re right and other people are wrong.”

Specifically, the type where Sect Leader Jiang got to stand up for Hanguang-jun’s honor, and honestly. If they’d only just told Lan Yuan that that was what they were doing, he would’ve agreed to come ages ago! He wants to defend Hanguang-jun, too!

“Oh. You mean gloating?”

Lan Yuan concealed a smile. It seemed like the Cloud Recesses really wasn’t a bad place after all.

-

Lan Yuan was not supposed to be here, but in his defense, it was totally an accident.

He’d been playing hide-and-seek with Lan Jingyi and some of the other juniors, and no one actually said the hanshi was off-limits. Sect Leader Jiang had always encouraged him to try to think beyond the rules (while Hanguang-jun just looked long-suffering), to not make assumptions about what was and wasn’t allowed, to press his limits until he figured out what he could and couldn’t do for himself.

And then, once he knew, to attempt the impossible.

He’d known that Sect Leader Lan was busy for most of the day with meetings – so why not hide in the hanshi? How was he supposed to know that Sect Leader Lan’s sworn brothers would come in to wait for him there?

Maybe if they’d come in slowly he would have just popped out of his hiding place, apologized, saluted, and scampered, but instead the doors had just burst open and Chifeng-zun strode in, closely followed by Lianfeng-zun, and they were already mid-conversation. It would have been rude to interrupt!

“- can’t decide if I want to thank him or wring his neck,” Chifeng-zun was saying. “But regardless of the conclusion, I’m not going to do either, and neither are you. It’s not our place.”

“I wasn’t suggesting any serious damage,” Lianfeng-zun said, starting to make tea. “A few minor irritations, at most; a trade dispute or two, possibly an inciting incident –”

“Meng Yao. We’ve talked about this.”

“I suppose we have. It’s only…” His voice trailed off.

Chifeng-zun sighed. “I know. Seeing Xichen break down like that was –” He waved his hand, looking for the word. “Horrific. I thought he was having a qi deviation.”

“It would have been easier if it had been something physical or to do with his cultivation,” Lianfeng-zun said. “Something a doctor could have helped, or the Song of Clarity – something, so that we wouldn’t be left doing nothing, nothing but waiting to see if he would die of grief. The way he clung to us both, what he said…well. Wounds of the heart and mind run deep, and the scars last long.”

“As we both know,” Chifeng-zun said, and his voice was a little dry.

Lianfeng-zun chuckled. “As we both know indeed. I must admit, I never expected to reconcile with you in this lifetime.”

“I’m still convinced in retrospect that you were planning on murdering me somehow,” Chifeng-zun said, not sounding as upset as he probably should have been about something like that. “I appreciate your restraint on Xichen’s behalf – and your lack of it when we joined together to search for Wangji.”

“Mm. That came as a surprise, to be honest. I thought da-ge would object to such…viciousness.”

“How was I to know you would have such strange assumptions? Being vicious, and even being petty, are not mutually exclusive with being righteous – and anyway, I like you much better now that I know what you’re like, and can formulate my expectations accordingly. It was always the hypocrisy and lies I despised the most; I’m surprised you didn’t figure that out on your own.”

“Da-ge has always been impossible for me to read,” Lianfeng-zun said, and his voice was strangely – scolding?

Chifeng-zun certainly seemed to take it as such. “I have hobbies! It was war; I just didn’t have time for them, that’s all. Anyway, having hobbies doesn’t necessarily entail having vices.”

“Unlike some other people of our mutual acquaintance,” and now it was Lianfeng-zun’s turn to be dry.

“I didn’t say it, you did. Anyway, returning to the subject of other sect leaders of our mutual acquaintance, I’m still shocked that Sect Leader Jiang kept up the lie as long as he did.”

“I know. I hate to speak badly about him, but he’s normally a terrible liar – his face goes red, he scowls more than usual, he averts his eyes…every single possible indication of untruthfulness. I would never think that he’d be able to keep a secret of this magnitude.”

“A lesson in underestimating people, I suppose.”

They sat in quiet silence for a little while longer, and then Lianfeng-zun poured the tea.

Lan Yuan contemplated escape, but really it was far too late to leave with dignity. They weren’t wrong about Sect Leader Jiang being a terrible liar, so Lan Yuan wasn’t angry or anything, but they’d probably be embarrassed that he overheard them talking about him at all.

“They’ll need a way to get out of it,” Lianfeng-zun said. “I’m not sure they realize that, yet.”

“Get out of it?” Chifeng-zun asked. “What do you mean?”

“As far as the majority of the cultivation world knows, Hanguang-jun has been in seclusion here, in the Cloud Recesses, for much of the past three years. During those same three years, Hanguang-jun’s adopted son has been living, quite publicly in the Lotus Pier – no one knows he’s Hanguang-jun’s now, of course, but if he reveals that he is, how does he explain the child having been there rather than here? Wouldn’t one or another of the sects have to admit the deception, and thereby lose face?”

Chifeng-zun considered the issue for a moment, then huffed. “You’re overthinking it. It’s not that hard problem to solve.”

Lan Yuan, who had started to enter full-fledged panic at the realization that they might have, in fact, messed everything up horribly and all because of him, calmed a little and tried to peer further around the edge of the screen he was hiding behind, eager to hear the solution.

Lianfeng-zun looked equally intrigued. “Well, then, da-ge – don’t leave we simple-minded persons in suspense.”

“As if you’ve ever been simple-minded.”

“Da-ge. Don’t play coy.”

Chifeng-zun chuckled and drank his tea, casually malicious, but then put it down on the table. “Easy enough. They just need to have a fight.”

“A fight?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t they fight? After all, with Hanguang-jun having finally emerged from seclusion, don’t you think he would be furious to discover that the son he gave his name to was being kept away from his family at the Lotus Pier?”

“I think I see your point,” Lianfeng-zun said, starting to smile. “When he retreated into seclusion, he undoubtedly understood that the boy would be delivered to the Cloud Recesses to be raised as a proper Lan, but instead he was kept back at the Lotus Pier –”

“Presumably Sect Leader Jiang made some sort of commitment to the mother that he didn’t feel he could break.”

“And naturally, since the father of the child was not present, there was no way for the Lan sect to claim him.”

“Of course. Especially when we are all in the midst of rebuilding – who would want to start trouble? But now that Wangji is out again…”

Lianfeng-zun laughed. “Doesn’t that result in the boy coming to the Cloud Recesses permanently? I was under the impression he didn’t want that.”

“Are you suggesting that they rob the boy of the only home he’s known?” Chifeng-zun pretended to scold. “Nonsense. Some calmer mind, likely belonging to a sect that is neither of the two in question - and not me -”

“Well, you did say calmer.”

“Someone will have to prevail with a compromise: a division of time between the two places.”

Lianfeng-zun smiled. “I think I see the direction in which you’re going – that’s the same sort of argument that could be used to allow Sect Leader Jiang to retain partial custody of A-Ling once he gets old enough that his return to Koi Tower is required, isn’t it?”

“Precisely.”

Lan Yuan somehow hadn’t thought about Jin Ling having to go back to Koi Tower – in Lanling, which was really far away – and it’s probably his distress at the idea that makes him lean forward a little too far and tip over the screen with a giant crash.

Both men turned to stare at him.

“Uh,” he said, and promptly dropped into a low bow, bringing his hands up in salute. “Sorry for the disturbance! Have a nice day!”

He ran.

(There was laughter behind him.)

-

“You – abandoner of responsibilities! Scum! Bad person!”

Hanguang-jun’s eye twitched. “Jiang Wanyin. I know you can do better than that.”

“Oooh, he’s pulled out the courtesy name,” Lan Yuan whispered to Sect Leader Lan, who was doing a very good job of not laughing out loud but it looked a little like it hurt. His shoulders were shaking and there were tears in his curved-smile eyes. “You know he’s serious now.”

Sect Leader Lan had to put his sleeve in his mouth to muffle the snickering. Jin Ling didn’t quite understand what was going on, but he was giggling quite openly, and that wasn’t helping either.

“I’m trying, okay,” Sect Leader Jiang complained. “It just feels weird, that’s all.”

“You fight all the time,” Jiang Meimei, one of the clan disciples that assisted Sect Leader Jiang with administration, said, rolling her eyes. “I’m not even exaggerating. How can this be hard?”

“We fight over reasonable things,” Sect Leader Jiang argued. “Like him being a snob, or persnickety, or having terrible taste in any number of things, up to and including seasonings –”

“Preferring to have intact taste buds is a reasonable preference.”

“Coward. Afraid of a little chili pepper.”

“That one can do something is not a reason to do it.”

“Is that a Lan sect rule? ‘Refrain from fun’ as the general rule, for everything else see the list of exceptions?”

“I believe the point Deputy Jiang was attempting to make was that this is more along the lines of what we were expecting,” Sect Leader Lan put in. “Perhaps a slightly more aggravated version…?”

“Oh, I can do aggravated,” Sect Leader Jiang said, which in Lan Yuan’s opinion was stating the obvious. “But even I have trouble working up a temper about Lan Wangji, of all people, abandoning some poor woman with a child he’d promised to take care of, which may or may not be his – it’s just not plausible.”

“What part,” Hanguang-jun said dryly, “the abandonment or the woman?”

“Both? Both.”

“While I don’t disagree with your assessment of Wangji’s character, that isn’t the point at the moment,” Sect Leader Lan said, his eyes sharp and interested – he’d looked up suddenly when Sect Leader Jiang had called Hanguang-jun by name, as if he were studying Hanguang-jun’s reaction. There wasn’t one, of course; Sect Leader Jiang had long ago fallen into the habit of calling Hanguang-jun by name, and Hanguang-jun returned the favor – albeit with Sect Leader Jiang’s given name, which everyone used instead of his courtesy name. Unless he was in front of other people, or else being especially sarcastic. “Perhaps you can think of some angle which would work for you?”

“Like what?”

“Well – A-Yao had a suggestion, but I don’t know if it would work.”

“Can’t be worse than this,” Jiang Meimei opined. “No one’ll believe Hanguang-jun for a scum no matter how loudly Sect Leader Jiang yells.”

Sect Leader Lan smiled and nodded, looking proud. He was Hanguang-jun’s big brother, so it made sense. “A-Yao suggested that Sect Leader Jiang consider it as Wangji having promised him something – to assist in caring for A-Yuan alongside him, perhaps – and having then defaulted in favor of something he preferred more, such as leaving to enter seclusion at the Cloud Recesses.”

Sect Leader Jiang’s shoulders abruptly went tense. “Not a bad suggestion,” he said, and his voice was strained as if he were forcing himself to be calm. “But Lan Wangji wouldn’t do that, either.”

“But if you pretend –”

“I would not,” Hanguang-jun said firmly. “I would not violate any vow I have taken, regardless of the recipient of that vow.”

Sect Leader Jiang’s shoulders relaxed a little.

“I do not believe that additional sincerity is helpful in this instance,” Hanguang-jun continued, folding his hands behind his back. “The goal is not to simulate a real argument, but to spread the understanding that there was an argument – wouldn’t a spar in public be sufficient, with explanations to be provided later?”

Sect Leader Jiang tilted his head to the side, looking intrigued. “So, what, you emerge from seclusion, talk to Sect Leader Lan for a bit to ‘find out’ about A-Yuan, then fly straight to the Lotus Pier and attack me without saying anything?”

Hanguang-jun nodded.

“That would be in character for a stone-face like you. And if you really put effort into it, I wouldn’t have time to be shouting out insults left and right.”

“It would confuse people,” Sect Leader Lan agreed, sounding thoughtful. “They would seek out anyone with knowledge, and we could plant some people to gossip appropriately…afterwards, once the information is widely known, we can have Mingjue-xiong or maybe A-Yao - they’re still fighting over who - well, one of them will announce that he was consulted as a neutral third party and that the matter is now resolved, with Wangji returning alongside A-Yuan to the Cloud Recesses for at least a season each year, and remaining at the Lotus Pier to supervise his education during the remaining months.”

“Acceptable,” Hanguang-jun said.

“Is it?” Sect Leader Jiang asked, looking at him. “Not to reverse course and go worry about the exact opposite thing I was worrying about just before, but, well. You know that it wouldn’t be hard to push for you to stay here all year, if you prefer, right? After all, I’m known for being unreasonable…”

Hanguang-jun shook his head. “A-Yuan should have the background to which he is entitled. A few months out of the year are an acceptable sacrifice.”

Sect Leader Lan bowed his head, looking a little sad, but nodded. “Moreover, if Wangji is truly unhappy in the Cloud Recesses, we can adjust the agreement going forward,” he said. “Attention will likely only be paid for the first year or two – thereafter, Wangji can reside wherever he prefers.”

“I will not remain at the Cloud Recesses,” Hanguang-jun said to Sect Leader Jiang, his eyes steady, and Sect Leader Jiang scowled in a way that was almost a smile. “It was my home once, but no longer – but it will be pleasant to visit it.”

“As long as you remember that it’s just a visit,” Sect Leader Jiang grumbled. “All right, I’m signed on. Let’s do it.”