#insane that i got so far today
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Up to 20,384 words, which feels insane, and I renamed the characters I didn't like the names of! My main character went from Skye to Jules, a side character named after my friend's crush became Olivia, and the one named after my gf became Chloe. While writing this post I realized Chloe was too close to Clio, the name of another side character, so Clio became Faye. That was the smallest, easiest problem to fix out of all the problems, but the whole name situation was really bothering me so I'm glad I changed it tbh
Delighted to announce that my story has officially reached novella length! I truly didn't think it would get this far, and didn't think I would be able to stick with it to get it this long. According to Wikipedia, a novella is 17,500-40,000 words, and I'm currently at 17,714. And I'm going to keep writing for awhile tonight. I'm just super proud of this
#names are important to me and all of those names were placeholders#like those three side characters were names of people i know irl just because they were the first names i thought of#but i didnt want characters named after real people in my life. it just feels strange#and also theres a character named Kristine. halfway through i started spelling is Christine. so i fixed that too#insane that i got so far today#unfortunately i write monologues that rival brennan lee mulligan in length so thats all gonna be shortened in edits#one of my characters is currently possessed by a demon and the demon is going to kill her abusive parents#so thats fun. im looking forward to that. its like the next scene. im actually pretty damn close to the end#im just kind of avoiding the end because its what im least clear on#the magic stuff is what im most shaky on and its a lot of (magic stuff happens. now theres a demon)#but ill get there. mostly for a first draft i didnt want to get hung up and caught on details#so i just wrote notes and pushed through#and thatll be fixed in future drafts#anyway i just love this story so much and im having so much fun with it tbh
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radical conceptussy: dan continues the tradition of tour film dumps. they post ig stories all the time, but film dumps are few and rare, one for every month or so or general area of the tour. think about the wad tour dumps: pictures are a mix of silly fun travels, solo moments before and after shows, and soft pretty moments, captured lovingly by crew and friends. except this time, they’re touring together. this is dan and phil “all grown up”. how open is the door going to be? think about all the devastating moments we’ve experienced in the last few months, but add the fact that phil essentially said they dgaf and he wants to live life to the fullest and not take anything for granted. this tour is going to be sooooo different and life changing for us as phannies y’all I can feel it in my bones. anyways back to the photos I had the clearest vision of the softest most adorable picture of them cuddled up together sleeping on the tour bus chucked into the middle one of those dumps casually because it’s not the craziest thing and I could definitely see them saying fuck it and deciding to share something like that. much to think about
#we are a MONTH AWAY from the start of tour#i feel like I’ve been so focused on how far away my show is and being sad about not getting m&g#and theorizing about the content of the show#i can’t help but think about how we got So Much outside of the tour and will this time as well#pics ig stories possibly gaming videos#those are just as exciting parts of the whole thing to me#plus the m&g picturesssss and stories like I don’t think I’m ready for seeing updated poses and just their appearance in general#their newer looks/style and hair are so good individually but they are so powerful next to each other#it’s all fun and games in gaming videos but I’m not prepared for all the new pics we’re going to get of them on the daily#seeing what cycle of outfits they’re going to have#needed something to be insane about today and decided it would be four#yapping in the tags#dnp#dan and phil#tit tour#dnptit#ttit#randomthots
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The hands down best part of playing IDV is when you’re playing with randoms and everyone on the team changes to the same character by chance and you all just go “Fuck it, why not?” and none of the players can take the match seriously
#This has happened TWICE this weekend and I absolutely love it#I’m a C badge but I got chaired first TWICE so I think that says something#I’m losing my badge after today as I haven’t ranked in like three weeks#MY PING IS FAR TOO BAD TO EVEN PLAY QMS AND IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE#idv#identity v#id5#identity 5
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#gonna do a little throwback and vent a bit here lmao#I may have pushed myself a lil far by doing a couple impact scenes and then wandering thru a bunch of crowds to watch the fireworks 💀#felt incredible on sunday night had a bad panic attack last night and haven’t been right today I just feel so down and strange#idk if it’s cause we got to discussing trauma and mental illness or if I’m just a lil depressed but I’m in a very pre-medication headspace#and then I rly feel bad cause he walked me home so he was out later than me and then soon after he got home there was a shooting near where#we were. and he’s the one who gets nervous about being out at night I’m always flippant about it#n I feel stupid and careless keeping him out so late just making sure I was alright#idk idk. hoping this is all part of coming off all that adrenaline and I’ll be normal in a couple days#I didn’t anticipate it at all cause the pain was pretty light. but it was all insanely good so maybe it’s more about how high up you get lol#idk! advice welcome if you’ve had a similar experience hdjfjsj
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Was doing so good holding it together today but now that I’m laying down and trying to sleep I’m tearing up and I can feel that I’m about to burst into tears any second now
#my mom called me like ten minutes before I was off work today#and asked if I had talked to my grandpa lately and I was like yeah some why?#I’ve been showing what I’ve been cooking with him and my grandma because I was proud of myself#and she was like oh so you know about his potential surgery?#and I was like. his what???????#apparently his pace maker is dying and malfunctioning and he needs a new one#but this is the third time it’s had to be replaced and as he’s gotten older he’s had a lot more health issues#and they’re not even sure his heart can handle getting it replaced…. he has an appointment tomorrow to find that out#and no one told me. no one fucking told me it was that bad and I’m so#like man my feelings on my grandparents are so insanely complicated but I do love them#I love them so much and they practically raised me and loved me more and treated me better than my mother EVER did#they’re the only family members I’ve ever been legitimately terrified and upset over not accepting me cuz I’m queer#like my mom and siblings? I could not give a flying fuck if they hated me for my gender or sexuality#if my grandparents had a bad reaction I think I would fucking kill myself#and idk the point is I love him and I’ve barely seen him at all the past few years because we live far away now and I never visit because I#hate the rest of my family#but what if he can’t have this surgery?????#or what if he can but something goes wrong??????#what if he’s dying and I’m only able to go down and see him one more time#and he could be fine. it might all work out and he could be fine#but man I’m terrified that won’t happen because WHY WOULD NO ONE TELL ME ANY OF THIS#and yeah no I’m fully crying now I can’t do this#he taught me to draw and he built the house I grew up in and he got me into lord of the rings and would take me book shopping#and and and I’m gonna fucking throw up#kaz rambles
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ummm someone help me think of a legitimate villain/criminal/etc au or an au in which chiyo’s changed and hardened bc i’ve listened to that loop of “when does a man become a monster?” from epic one too many times and i need to write some tragedy i fear
#no ‘ well she’s got one foot in each side or she’s being twisted against her nature by other forces but she’s still the same woman ’#only ‘ she’s been doomed by the narrative. she’s been changed by the narrative. this couldn’t have gone any other way ’#‘ she’ll never be the same no matter how much she wants to be ’#bc when does a comet become a meteor y’all!! when does a candle become a blaze!! when does the reason become the blame!!!!!#going insane sorry 😔 it’ll keep happening 😔#and the thing is chiyo’s moral compass is so strong — the only thing thus far that was ever made it move is her loved ones#love be it romantic platonic or familial can make her accept a lot#but to see her truly do anything ‘ bad ’ it’s like… i gotta place her in a situation and i need it to be big bc otherwise#she’ll talk herself into doing the right thing — and i’m okay with that! but!!!! i need her to struggle so much first#anyway… i’m home ASDGHJ#might get my face washed and whatnot first but i’m coming online to write hehe#hope today has been kind to you 💜#get ready to ramble | ooc#but who would wade through the overgrown flowerbeds? brave brambles and traitorous thorns? | wishlist
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see i would play sims 4 again but i got horizon forbidden west from a friend as a birthday gift so my soul must be sucked in by yet another game
#so far this game is honestly probably the most beautiful game i’ve ever played#the graphics are actually insane#i just got back home today from my birthday trip with my bf and it was genuinely the best birthday ive ever had#non sims
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I’m crying in the club over how much I love my friends
#fuck I love my friends#I’ve been feeling so loved lately#idk man something clicked in my brain and now I can’t stop crying over the fact that so many people think about me and want to love me#it’s crazy and so wonderful and also insane#but people really want to go out of their way to do things to make me smile on my birthday#and I just#I’m crying all day today I guess#hey 14 and 17 year old kaleigh#you have so many people who love you and choose to love you and have for years at this point#I’m genuenly so overwhelmed this year#I thought I was loved last year but wow#talking#well more like sobbing#anyways I’m going to go cry and look at all my friends now and cry some more#THEY MADE THINGS FOR ME#god I love my friends#also if you got this far I love you so much thanks for being my friend even a little
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no one asked, but fic updates and falloutober are postponed indefinitely while i deal with being dragged into my parents' shitshow
#on tuesday my mom left and took the dog#long story short my tuesday night was spent making a 2 hour round trip to shuttle the dog back to my father#and he called me today at work (a few hours ago) sobbing and talked to me for 26 minites straight#i'm 27 and haven't lived at home since i was 20 why am i being roped into this ffs#it's a long time coming and i'm proud of my mom because he's been a piece of shit my whole life#and especially to her... got back in touch with my little brother (who lives w them) which was nice#we agreed we need to talk more lmao but yeah that's the only good that's come of this so far#anyway yeah i imagine this is gonna take a while to try and get my dad to stop calling me nonstop with guilt trips/calling my mother insane#i'm hopeful she actually goes through with a divorce this time 🤞🏼#older sibling problems honestly#don't get it twisted my dad is manipulative and an abuser 10000%#regg rambles#divorce //#minutes***
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i can start T today 🥳
#not fandom related#personal log stardate#i got the gel at the pharmacy after my dr appointment today#slept like shit and im still scared abt the test resluts. im supposed to call my dr's office next week for the results#if they're positive ill v likely need surgery for a tumor. as far as i could tell from google :c#it's a benign tumor btw as far as i know. the surgery should be endoscopic as well so it honestly could be way worse#still.#if ill need surgery ill ask my dr if i can wait until ive been on T for a while and get top surgery before going in for any other surgery#i rly dont want to be in the hospital as a woman 😵💫#but it gives me that little push that i needed to actually get surgery. sure ive always wanted it but taking all the steps to get it#is v hard and ive been avoiding it. but yesterday i thought what if i accidentally end up in a hospital#and ill be seen as a woman and ill be insanely uncomfortable in hospital gowns and it all will be v horrible indeed#so better start the transitioning steps that i want to take sooner than later#fear is a good motivator. helped me recover from my ed as well. that counselor at my old university was like#your ed behavior and sh behavior are getting too bad id recommend you go inpatient and i was like. impatient? 😳#no way i was gonna do that so i decided to start fighting my ed and recover. which took several years but it was so worth it#anyway back to the good stuff! i can start T today!!!!!!! 😁#trans stuff#ed cw#sh cw
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are u hyped for the next madoka magica movie
YES
#i didn’t feel like blogging today so my insanity was hidden from the public eye. until now#IT LOOKS FUCKING CRAZY i have full faith in the team bc the main series + rebellion are sooooooo good#but am also frightened by the idea of them potentially introducing twists for the sake of twists and derailing the story#and people mentioning magia record which apparently fucking sucks 😭#NOT TO BE DEBBY DOWNER but the core story of madoka thus far is so dear to me so if they’re reviving it after over a decade…#i want it to be a fitting and fulfilling conclusion and not leave us all more confused and such… another open ended cliffhanger of sorts#Unless they’re planning on more content after this movie#but a part of me would also love if the main cast’s story finally got concluded and they could just rest 💀#TLDR i feel like this series very easily has the potential/ability to be never ending and i don’t want that. bc it’s not fulfilling#BUT ON A MORE POSITIVE NOTE (overall i am extremely excited btw and it looks amazing from the promos)#IF IT TURNS OUT HOMURA/THE QUINTET ARE A PART OF WALPURGIS AND THEY WERE FIGHTING THEMSELVES IN A LOOP ALL ALONG I WILL GO CRAZY#<- EX LITTLE NIGHTMARES#THANK YOY FOR THE ASK!!!! ❤️
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th. the hotel I’ve been applying to for like. the entire year. actually emailed me back via the hiring manager(?) about a position asking for more info. but. i may already have a job in the bag at another place finally (technically with the same company). what the fuck
#WHY DO YOU CONTACT ME N O W AND NOT LIKE. ANY TIME IN YHE PAST EIGHT MONTHS#hfsjgdsjajdjsj anyway at least I have a potential backup. hypothetically. I should’ve gotten a call back from the manager of the#place I’ve gotten pretty far with at this point today but I didn’t but she did say AROUND friday afternoon and it sounded super busy over#there rn so I’m not too worried yet#the fact that she actually called me back and explained all this gives me a sense of security#but yeah fucking insane that this other place actually got back to me even if it was a semi-automated thing#I’m SO used to getting turned down immediately and getting rejections from this place hhdjdjhdg like I can’t even Explain how wild this is#kibumblabs
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i should draw more of the vocaloid song associations i have for the trolls just so i have an excuse to draw someone other than sollux
#and today on cookie's ramblings#ive got some good ones up in my brain#ESPECIALLY my one for latula >:]#so far i also have associations for tavros - aradia - and terezi#and sol too but i actually have a decent one for him now that isn't just insanely unhinged brainrot#i've drawn him TOO MANY TIMES IN A ROW for that to be normal#OH IM FORGETTING ONE I SORT OF HAVE ONE FOR JOHN TOO
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So like. My literature notes just got interrupted because i had a new wip idea. Which is so funny to me personally bc you'll be reading notes on the specific genre that brought that divine inspiration on me, and in the margins OC name possibilities and titles to (re)read as my "models" and then right back to literature notes
#TWO HOUR lecture without any pauses and in the middle of it i get a wip idea#and it made me go so momentarily insane i almost just got up and left the hall because i HAVE TO FUCKING#I HAVE TO EXPAND ON IT RIGHT NOW#but i have a bunch of hw . i couldn't focus on the lecture anymore tho bc i kept thinking ab the idea so i did a lot of that grammar hw at#least but i uh. missed a lot ab novels which sucks bc for one i have an exam on this#for another I WRITE NOVELS I KINDA SHOULD KNOW AB THIS#but oh wrll . anyway#these are gonna be my first OCs with american names btw i'll tell you all more ab it later#probably on the writeblr tho#i'm gonnq finish my work for tonight and make the writeblr sideblog#and tomorrow i'll design my main character#or today depending on how much time i'll have#I HAVE 5 MIDTERMS NEXT WEEK. INSPIRATION DOESN'T CHOOSE IG#i have to read a lot. i'll tell you my models so far#i have to reread don quijote and madame bovary and then i'm reading coleen hoover and as many booktok romances as i can#wink wink
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....
#my 'ex' and i being on a break is. whew#they dressed up in an incredible outfit today and im just. so fucking lovesick#having to act like we're just friends is driving me insane on 12 different levels#i just. god i fucking hope we get back together.#they keep looking at me like they love me and it's unbearable#when they asked to take a break they said they werent sure if they were in love anymore#we're also still cuddling every night..... aaaaaaaaaaaa#it's the craziest 'so close yet so far' dilemma#idk this isnt coherent my head is swimming and im supposed to be working rn#it hasnt even been a full week yet so ive just gotta be strong. keep being respectful of their boundaries and hope/work for the best.#and they said they really want us to get back together but weve got work to do and we gotta be sure before we do#so im cautiously hopeful.#alright. that's enough for now#delete later
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am I doing it
maybe
do I need to do it
maybe
#hemsnonsense#im so sleepy#maybe im getting sick#got the sniffles#but it was 25c today so mayb not??? idk#woozy inspiration to do things that’ll probably not stick!!!!#i was just looking at a bunch of gates i made when horses came out and never released#lmao#there’s like 7 of them#i just couldn’t be bothered bc i was working on something else at the same time#no im not releasing the gates probably#I love horses but as far as i can tell the horse community for ts4 is insane#I feel bad but I just can’t deal knowing it’s gonna get reuploaded to disc by that random nut job who claims she isn’t homophobic because#she has gay friends#sorry not just homophobic#transphobic too#she’s an utter POS
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