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en-hale-archives · 3 years ago

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When Dawn is All We Have

Bestie!Jake x Male!reader ᡕᠵ᠊ᡃ່࡚ࠢ࠘ ⸝່ࠡࠣ᠊߯᠆ࠣ࠘ᡁࠣ࠘᠊᠊ࠢ࠘𐡏~♡ ᵕ்̥♡˖۪۪̥°̥.♡ ᵕ்̥♡˖۪۪̥°̥.♡ ᵕ்̥♡˖۪۪̥°̥.

☻ requested! by Anon, "hey i really love your works sm!! i got really happy when i saw that your requests are open!!! could you write a fluff/smut with male!bodied reader x jake? wherein the reader and jake are bestfriends but there lingers a tension between them for months. so one day when they hangout they finally snap and make sweet love to each other,, but its their first time for both so it might be a little awkward i hope you have a good day or night <3"

SYNOPSIS ✄ Jake is your childhood best friend that you have been in love with since forever. After finally attending one of his infamous house parties, an intimate moment between the two of you causes an unforgettable night of first-times and nervous giggles.

WARNING ✄ 18+/smut. This is an au (alternative universe) that takes place in high school. All characters are of legal age. Mild cursing. Read at your own discretion !

CONTENT ✄ AU - high school (18+), unrequited love, gay romance, boys' love story, friends forever to lovers, house party, other enha- members (briefly mentioned), ongoing tension, a lil bit of fluff, kind of sappy, a slice of angst (maybe..?), Richboy!Jake, top!Jake, bottom!reader, gentle-dom Jake, awkward (yet super cute) first time, plethra of kisses. neck kisses, nipple stim, slow and patient, protected sex (lube is also used), fingering, intercourse (penetrative sex), a crumb of aftercare

WORD COUNT ✄ 9.1k (pretty sure this is my longest story)

AUTHOR'S NOTE ✄ New setup, how do we like it? I was getting kind of bored with the last one and wanted to switch things up. I haven't written in a while, but when I was going through some of my requests to write, this was the first one that caught my eye and I had to write it. This took me a week to write, just cause I wanted it to be perfect. Also, I'd like to say that the tension between Jake and the reader has been longer than just a few months. LMK if there are any mistakes, cause I caught quite a few when proofreading, but I'm sure I didn't get them all. Hope you all enjoy!

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You lounged against the only wall that was empty of horny bodies and drunk people. You clutched onto your bag with one hand while holding a solo cup of water in the other.

Parties weren't your thing, but Jake insisted that you make it to at least one of his -- the ones you would hear talk about in the cafeteria, and the many posts you saw afterward on social media. Jake was notorious for his house parties. You remember getting a call from him at 3 in the morning asking for some help with cleaning. When you walked in, everything was covered in muck and trash, the furniture was moved all over the place, bottles and solo cups covered every inch of his house -- more so, mansion -- which was one of the many reasons his parties were so big. Who would pass up the opportunity to bang it out in the indoor pool? Or the four empty guest rooms that were just collecting dust? Or maybe even the full-size basketball court his parents insisted on having in case guests come over and miraculously want to play a game of one-on-one.

Jake was privileged. And he had been for however long you knew him. You remembered his top-tier birthday parties, even that one time they set up a carnival in his backyard equipped with actual rides, the times you both had sleepovers and their personal chef made you meals you've never even heard of, the different cars jake would pull up to your house or school in, and the little times you could ever remember paying for yourself when he was with you. Still to this day, you wondered how you became one of his closest friends, or how you even still were. He was constantly busy, with keeping up with his many friends, hosting his many parties, and to add on to his already impressive resume, keeping up with the many requirements of being student body president. Even with all his events, he still managed to find spaces to spend time with you, whether it was a call at 2 in the morning or a quick drop-by your place, you would at least hear from Jake every single day.

There were plenty of times that you could have easily spent all day with him, but you never liked being around his other friends, the ones that also wore expensive clothing and marveled at what normal people did. You would find yourself giggling every now and then when you remembered teaching Jake at 12 how to iron his clothes or wash the dishes by hand, or how to hold a broom properly. He was clumsy and a bit shy, but cute. Those were one of the first moments you thought of Jake as more than just Jake. He was Jake with a pretty smile, Jake with nice hair, Jake with sparkly eyes and smooth hands -- the first time you couldn't stop yourself from thinking about him constantly.

And since then, you've never stopped. There were occasions when you were too nervous to be around him, feeling like your heart would pound so loudly he would hear, that your cheeks would flush and he'd noticed. At that age, you weren't sure what was going on. It was scary, to think of a boy the way you were supposed to think of a girl. As hard as you tried, those thoughts never went away. You remembered wishing you could slow dance with him at the 6th-grade winter dance, hold his hand as you both walked to class, send him love notes in between lectures; do the things you saw the other middle schoolers doing. There were nights when you would cry yourself to sleep knowing nothing would ever happen, cause nothing ever could. You marveled at the time you had cut Jake off completely, hoping that whatever you felt would just go away. But it never did. And after two months of Jake not hearing from you, the summer before 8th-grade, he strolled up to your house as casually as ever, grabbing onto your arm without explanation and taking you to eat. He never asked why you stopped talking to him, and it didn't matter, since not even those two months stopped you both from talking your heads off like old times.

After that, there were things you just didn't do with him like you use to. Like sleeping without a shirt since you got insecure about him seeing the same skin he's seen before, making sure the door was open while he was in your bedroom just in case he did something cute and you needed a reason to leave just for a second, not letting Jake get to close or sneak attack you like he liked to do. And it only got worse as puberty started hitting you like a truck. You grew exceedingly taller in a matter of months, hair grew from places you didn't know hair could grow, Your voice cracked with every sentence you spoke, you kept waking up feeling the uncomfortable bulge in your underwear, and how weird it felt when you peed sometimes.

And you blamed puberty for one of the most embarrassing moments of them all. You both were at his place, not really talking much since Jake had lost his soccer game and moped around. You weren't much of a sports person, but you liked when he invited you, except, this was the one game you missed. And the only game they didn't win that entire season. He blamed you for losing, especially since you missed it to hang out with someone else. You both got into a mini argument. One, cause he was mad you didn't go and two, cause you wouldn't tell him who you were with. By then, you started to experiment with different guys. It was nothing big, just fro-yo and a casual stroll through the park, not even a kiss. And as much as you liked Jake, you still never took his bullshit. After a couple of curse words flew from his mouth, you grab your bag to leave, but Jake stopped you. He grabbed onto your wrist, but you pulled back with force. He attempted to grab you again, but you dodged each one. After a while it was a goose game, you ran around his room that could've been its own gym, but after a while, you grew tired. Of course, with Jake being a soccer player, he still had plenty of energy.

In a matter of seconds, he knocked you onto the floor rolling you over on your back and pinning your arms to the side. You and he had wrestled plenty of times, some of those times were not fully clothed, but at that moment, you saw Jake in a different light.

His hair was cascaded over his eyes, his cheekbones glistened from his prior sweat at the game, his lips were barely parted, taking a few quick breaths. You remember he said something, but you never remembered what it was. All you could think about was how close his face was, the light scent of mint as he spoke, the way his lips were a slight red, not like the light pink they usually were. You remembered he stopped talking and took a minute to stare back at you. For just a moment, just a quick moment, you thought he might actually kiss you. But instead, he leaped off when he felt something hard touch his skin. You remember he shouted dude, covering his eyes. You ran to his bathroom so embarrassed. It took you an hour to leave out. Jake insisted that it was okay, things like that happened, but you made him swear he would never bring it up again. And he didn't.

But you felt that he subtly liked to tease you. It started with air-poking at your crotch, but by high school, he was bold enough to actually poke it. Then you knew it was your imagination, but sudden awkward gazes happened between the two of you, more often than not. There were occasions where it felt like Jake sat closer to you than usual, where he placed his hand on the small of your back or thighs, which you would push away out of nerves. There was once a few months back while Jake was taking you home, he stopped you from getting out, and pulled you closer, in a joking manner is what you assumed it was, but the way he peered into your eyes, struck a chord in your heart.

That's why you were pretty sure he knew you were gay, and he teased you cause he knew. But you never did come around to telling him. There were multiple occasions when you almost did, but you were scared of his reaction, you were scared he'd stop being your friend. You were sure he wouldn't, but there was always that what-if. But he had to know. There was that one time he saw a message from a guy you talk to for a short period. He teased you about it, but you swore it was nothing like that and he went along with it. But you knew he knew. He never did say anything, and you were more comfortable with that than letting him in on the truth.

Hours before, you face-timed Jake. Since this would be your first house party, you wanted his opinion on your outfit.

"Ok listen, I bought this at Good Will and still haven't worn it out. I think it gives me rich kid vibes," Jake just laughed off your comment as you stepped into the frame.

You decided on a light green knitted vest over a white t-shirt, paired with grey jeans and black Birkenstocks. Jake took a moment. You could only see half of his face but you knew he was frowning the way his eyebrows furrowed. "lose the t-shirt." You whine in protest. "I have some hot people coming to this thing, you're going to want to look good." So, of course, you lost the t-shirt. Stepping back in frame Jake gave a dramatic expression.

"Woah Hercules, put away the guns!" You flash him the bird.

"Is it ok or should I wear something else?"

"It would be fine if we were going to one of your choir concerts, but this is a house party," You rolled your eyes. "Then why didn't you say that in the first place?"

"Cause I didn't feel like it," he giggled before continuing. "Just throw on a graphic tee and switch your shoes for sneakers. That'll do." And again, you did. Jake teased you a few more times before you eventually hung up.

When you did pull up to his house, you observed the dozens of cars already pulled up. You waited at the last minute to show, hoping that it would somewhat be empty, but it was the complete opposite. You walked up closer and stopped, suddenly debating all prior choices. The music was so loud, you could hear the base from where you stood. People were coming in and out, some were guiding their drunk friends and others were on their way to find privacy. You held the grip on your tote tighter. In a sudden moment, you missed your bed, the one that didn't require social interactions or peer pressure. You took a deep breath and walked in. It was stuffed with bodies. Bodies dancing, smoking, drinking, partying. You stepped out of the way of a girl that stumbled past. The lights were low but you could still see the foggy haze that filled the house. You walked to where Jake said he'd be, and there he was.

You watched him laugh, and it was like it happened in slow motion. His hair was let loose for once, some waves falling in front of his eyes. He was laid out on the couch, the same way he always was when you guys did nothing but watch movies all day. He took a look at you and smiled wider. Your heart thumped a little. You'd think after 6 years, your crush on him would've faded, but if anything it grew deeper. You remembered when the wishing for hand-holding turned to wishing he'd kiss you. By the time high school started, you couldn't stop the wet dreams from playing. You couldn't stop yourself from staring at Jake in his indecent areas, especially when he was playing soccer. You try to avoid it by talking to other guys, but you never let them in. The most affection you showed them was a hug; once you let a guy kiss your cheek. but that was it. You still had this terrible hope that Jake would wake up one day and realize he was in love with you just as much as you were in love with him.

He did one of those weird bro-hugs he's never done with you, probably cause you complained to him how dumb it was. You wanted to roll your eyes, but you understood he was with his other friends. The ones that were the exact opposite of you, and to be quite honest, Jake too. He introduced you to each of them, the ones you tried to avoid at every cost.

They were all pretty much how you expected them to be: tall, cute, good hair. One in particular caught your eye since he had a sense of style you'd never expect from one of his rich friends; Jay was his name if you weren't mistaken. His two friends Ni-Ki and Heeseung towered over your small frame, Sunghoon and Sunoo kept to themselves on one end of the couch, and Jungwon seemed extremely friendly, widening his arms as if asking for a hug.

Jake hit his arms. "Here." Jake handed you a cup. "Before you shake your head, it's just water." They say you're supposed to pour your own drink at parties, but you trusted Jake with your life, and this was no different. You grabbed it but didn't drink.

You spent a few awkward minutes mingling with his friends who had nothing important to say until a specific song came on. Girls around you started to scream, rushing themselves to the self-made dance floor. Jake's friends whisked themselves away dragging him with them.

Then you were alone. And that's how you ended up by the wall, watching as girls danced, moving their hips in circular motions, swaying their arms in the air. A few of them attempted to dance against Jake, but he managed to find a way out each time. You felt a sharp pain strike your chest. Jake has had girlfriends before, and you've met every single one of them since middle school, all of which you told Jake weren't his type, not because you liked him, but because you knew they were gold diggers. You wondered if he'd lost his virginity yet, since he teased you quite a lot about how you were still one. You knew he'd at least had his first kiss when you caught him making out with the captain of the girl's soccer team, and you remembered going home and crying. But that was back in middle school, and now you were seniors in high school, both 18 and about to be in college. Which you couldn't wait for. Jake would be off at some ivy league, probably his dad's alumni, and you'd pray you were at least a few hours out from home, maybe community college or a small university.

You didn't know you were staring at Jake until he made abrupt eye contact with you. You look away, shyly, as if you hadn't known Jake since forever. But here it felt weird, different. He was in a space you weren't familiar with, in a space that made you feel like an outcast, which you didn't mind being, but in the public's eye, it felt daunting. In your room, you didn't care cause you simply didn't have to. Here, you felt more exposed than ever. It was no lie that you and Jake were complete opposites. He was rich, you weren't. He was the typical popular kid who was captain and president, you were tech in your production of The Little Mermaid, lead soloist in the choir. You both couldn't have been more polar. You didn't even know if Jake's friends knew you existed. You both had your own identities at school. Sure, you had few classes together, and occasionally walked the hallways in conversation, but it was nothing more than you would do with an acquaintance from math class. Even at his games, he would give you a quick wave, and after that, it was like he forgot you were there. You knew it wasn't out of malice, so you didn't want to burden him with your feelings, but it didn't feel good.

You wanted to leave, but Jake promised you he'd pay for your lunch for three straight weeks if you stayed at least 4 hours. He already always did pay, but you knew he would purposely forget his wallet, and you'd be the one paying. But by the second hour, your social battery was running out. You went from the wall to the couch, switching anytime it seemed like someone was going to try and strike up a conversation with you. You watched Jake who moved around the house casually talking to every person, refilling his drink, and moving back on the dance floor. There was once he nudged his head in your direction, as if asking you to accompany him, but you shook your head harshly, looking away as to ignore the problem.

Then came hour three, and by then you thought you'd die before hour four, boredom and the smell of sweat clogging your brain. You'd lost track of Jake and couldn't find him. Paying for three weeks of lunch didn't seem so bad anymore. You crowd-surfed to see if you could make contact with him, but no luck. You wondered if you could just leave and he wouldn't notice, lying to him and saying you stayed the actual four hours. But after thirty minutes, you notice how the house starts to clear of bodies, the air wasn't so clogged, and eventually, the lights came on. By the time hour four struck, Jake was saying bye to his little gang of friends, before closing the door.

Now it was just you and him.

"Should we check the bedrooms for stragglers?" You joked, Jake gave a sleepy smile.

"Everyone knows not to go upstairs smarty pants," Jake sat beside you on the couch. "Just like they know to leave by three," you checked your phone and by surprise, it was three on the dot. You nod your head impressed, "wow, so this was the infamous Sim party."

Jake nods again, sleepiness rolling over him. "I can't believe this is your first time coming."

"This isn't really my forte."

"Did you enjoy yourself at least?" Jake looked at you for an answer. You wondered whether to lie or tell the truth, but Jake could tell when you weren't being honest.

"I stood in the corner to avoid social interactions, so.." Jake laughed at your comment.

"Oh wow," he took a minute, daydreaming up at the ceiling before turning to you abruptly.

"This is the perfect time to show you," He leaped up from his spot on the couch and grabbed your hand, pulling you up the stairs, past the first hallway, and down the second where his room was located.

"I've already seen your signed ball Jake," You thought he might've been so drunk he forgot he already had shown you.

He shook his head, "no not that, just come on," And he dragged you through the rest of his house that felt like trying to find your way out of a maze.

By the time you had made it to his destination, Jake pushed open a door connected to the ceiling and climbed the steps attached. He reached for your hand. "Jake, I'm not going in you fucking attic,"

He just laughed again, "It's not that. Give me your hand." You gave Jake a glaring look, but of course, you put your hand in his. It was dark for only a second, but by the time you got to the last five steps, you could see the night sky peeking out. When Jake made it all the way up, he grabbed ahold of your hands and hoisted you the rest of the way. That's when you found yourself on the top of Jake's roof, looking out over the rest of the house. The night sky was empty, you were up so high that you could see above the large oak tree sitting in the front lawn. The sound of crickets and a cool night breeze serenaded you into finally being able to relax. You were no longer in the trapped hold of society, but in the grasp of Jake and his company, and that made you feel more at home than anything.

Jake, still holding your hand, guided you to sit down beside him. You both situated yourself against a window, the window that was above Jake's bed. "You finally found a way up here," you said, as you still admired the view.

"Yep, just took 18 years," You both remembered the different techniques you both tried to do to get up to that stupid window that was at the height of his room. But nothing worked.

You both laugh along together. You tried to control your aching heart when Jake laid his head in your lap, sighing out of relief.

You both stayed like that for a while. You couldn't explain this feeling, but it was enough to make you emotional. At that moment, you had two things you wanted the most, peace and Jake, something you never got at once. You felt like you could do anything up here. There was a sense of relief that you'd never felt before, and after a few more minutes, you felt a tear slip from your eye.

You were sure Jake was sleeping from the slow breaths he took, but after a while, the tears started to fall, and you couldn't stop them. You weren't even sure why you were crying, maybe it was hysteria from being up so late, maybe it was from all of the people in one setting that you'd hadn't had to experience before. But when you look down at Jake's soft face, at his freckles against his nose, his perfectly aligned eyebrows, his beautiful sharp eyes, you knew it was because of him. Your best friend, whom you've loved forever, was now lying in your lap, and you felt guilty for keeping such a big secret from him. You felt guilty for all the years you felt so much love for him, the type of love that was not reciprocated back, at least not in the way you wanted it to be. And now more than ever you wanted to scream your truth louder than your voice would let you.

But all that came out was a sniffle.

"If I open my eyes and you're crying, I'm going to punch you in the face," You watch through your blurry vision and saw his eyes sparkle open. And when he made eye contact you wept softly.

You squeezed your eyes shut and weren't sure what Jake was doing, but the sudden coldness on your lap led you to believe he had lifted himself off.

You try to gain control of yourself, but it was like something was pushing out, even if you didn't want it to.

You felt Jake grab ahold of your wrist and pull them away from your eyes which you knew were swollen.

"Hey, what's going on?" Jake's voice was slightly above whispered, and it crept up your back with a shiver.

You shook your head. "Nothing, I don't know why I'm crying."

A moment passes. A few more tears fall out and you wipe them away. Jake didn't say anything, just watched as you did, his eyes dipped in worry, but he knew to give you time.

You open your mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. The silence drags on and now you're not sure what to do.

"I want to," you stop talking to take a few deep breaths when you hear how shaky it sounded.

You have trouble speaking like your voice wouldn't let you, and you felt like crying again at how weak you were being. But you didn't have time to be frustrated when Jake grabbed at your hands and intertwined them, something he's never done, but it felt nice for his warm hands to come in contact with your cold ones.

"You don't have to speak if you're not ready," You look up from your lap to Jake's face, which you realize is scarcely close. You look into his dark brown eyes, and it only took that one look to know that he knew, he was just waiting for you to tell him. You keep staring at his eyes. Gosh, how they mesmerized you. The way they glimmered in the slight moonlight, the way they made you feel so safe. You watched his eyes flutter, the curve of his eyelashes, his small pores that never seemed to catch acne.

Then you noticed Jake's eyes avert from yours down. You had to be dreaming, there was no way he was looking at your lips. But he looked back at your eyes, his pupils wide and shaking as if asking for permission. And out of response, you part your lips slightly. If Jake was teasing you, you would never forgive him. You could hear your heart pulsing in your ears, you clutched onto Jake's hands tighter.

And you couldn't even believe it when his lips touched yours. It was a nice feeling. Jake's lips are as soft as they had always looked, smooth in texture and so gentle in touch. You don't even grasp the fact that your eyes are still open until you feel yourself drift into a trance you'd never been in before, and you closed them softly.

And it's over before you can even marinate in it. You're left with a cold wet sensation, and it burns your insides. You looked each other in the eyes once more, before chasing his lips and finding them pressed harder than the last time.

You kiss him mindlessly, like everything you were feeling up to this moment didn't matter. You were kissing Jake, the Jake that you had loved since forever; and he was kissing you back with just as much force, letting loose of your hands to move them across your thighs.

You were clumsy with your own, trying to find spaces to touch his skin, but the revelation that you were doing this in the first place was still something you were processing. His hands keep on trailing up and down your legs, and you decided to just do the same. It was weird that the desire you've always had but refused to indulge in was now your reality. Minutes before he was only your friend, and now you weren't sure what that word meant anymore. You had memorized the outline of Jake's lips, the color, the width, how his bottom lip was always thicker than the top. But now you got to taste them.

You had come to full terms with being gay and what that meant and what that felt like -- but with Jake -- it was something much more. Jake was like a distant star you'd reach out and pretend to touch with one squinted eye, knowing that it was impossible to actually grasp. But here you were kissing him and it still hadn't fully reached your brain in a way that you could connect.

Jake was the first one to break away, catching his breath from the prior fit he had with your lips. He looked down at his hand that had found comfort on top of your lap. You didn't know what to say, or if you should say anything. Maybe it was better to let the silence be the spokesperson, maybe it was better to just let it absorb the two of you until you both turned to thin dust.

"Come on." Jake didn't meet your eyes, and he didn't the entire way back to his room. When you both entered, he closed it quietly as if you two weren't the only ones home. You noticed the way his hand shook as he turned towards you.

He had a look on his face that you've never seen. Was it worry? Fright? Gloom? It scared you to see his face like this. It was even scarier that you couldn't decipher what was happening.

Jake made his way beside you on the couch. He sat in proximity that wasn't far, but closer than you were able to handle. His knees slightly touched yours, and you swallowed down the blush creeping its way up.

There was another moment of silence -- it made the air clammy -- as if you were back at the party. You can't help but fiddle with the fabric of your tote, pretending to marvel at its rough edges and colorful print. But you didn't want to be stupid, you knew Jake was watching you as he fiddled similarly with his shirt.

You've never felt like this ever around Jake; like you wanted to crawl into a small hole and wake up ten years later. Just the subtle touch of Jake's skin made you overthink that you were coming on too strong, or maybe that you were secretly asking for something more and that's not what you wanted him to think.

You were even more worried that Jake might've kissed you out of pity, out of empathy. He saw you cry, not like he ever has before, and at that moment, he felt that it was the right thing to do. And it hurts to think it, but you wanted to bring yourself down before he had the chance to. You wouldn't let it falter your demeanor, you would just laugh at it and ask not to speak about it ever again, and he'd most likely agree. Then you could go back to living in secret.

"I really liked kissing you," Jake's voice is as casual as ever, a bit shaky on the word 'kiss', but nonetheless, it caused you to quietly panic, waking you from your ironic thoughts. Your turn to him in a frown -- out of habit -- meeting his big brown ones that sparkled under the fluorescent lights, full of an innocence -- or maybe vulnerability -- that you've never seen him express.

"Really?" You felt so stupid for that being the only word you could think of.

"Yeah.." Jake smiled boyishly, He opened his mouth again to speak. You watched as he contemplated his words, which come tumbling out of his mouth. "If you're okay with it, I'd like to do it again."

His words were like a punch to past you that yearned for him, it was a soccer ball to the head for the thoughts you've just had seconds ago. It was like the times you'd cried for him, hurt for him, longed for him; were for nothing. Cause here he was, asking if it were okay to kiss you again. If you weren't so frozen by the initial shock, you'd grab his face and twist his tongue with your own.

But all you could do was sit in silence, lips slightly parted in surprise.

Jake sighed, "Sorry, forget what I said, I don't know what I was thinking."

"No!" You practically scream. Jake looks up with uncertainty. "Yes, yes is what I meant. I would really like to kiss you again too."

Jake's eyes lit up, like that one time in second grade when his parents surprised him at school with a box of cupcakes for the entire class.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." It comes out in a whisper and a lot softer than you meant it to be. A little shiver played up your spine, and as much as you wanted to gaze into his chocolatey brown eyes, you couldn't stop staring down at your sweaty palms.

You're aware in that moment that you'd be kissing Jake Sim. Sure it's happened before, not even an hour ago, but it still was hard for your brain to fully come to terms with. His lips would be on yours, your lips would be on his. And it wasn't a dream you'd wake up from in a few minutes, this was real. This was the real thing.

"Hey," was the last thing he said before lunging forward and catching your mouth with his own. You twist your head milliseconds before, only just missing his nose, avoiding the awkward noise bump you'd rather not have. You feel his lips part slightly with enough room for you to slip in your tongue. Jake scoots closer, closing the gap. He pressed his body closer to yours, causing you to lean back into the couch. He was slightly above you. He set his hands upon your hips and squeezed gently, kind of like he did when he teased you during a sex scene when you both watched movies, but obviously, this was different. You do the same, gliding your hands up his hips, feeling like you were stuck in a void for continuously copying his every move. But this wasn't Jake's first rodeo, not if you remembered correctly the way he grabbed a hold of the soccer captain's waist, tugging and groping. This was your first kiss, something else you had to recognize on top of kissing you're forever crush.

His hands moved up against the dark brown cotton of your t-shirt, roaming over your chest. When they graze over a particular part, something in you changed. It's like a nerve in your body was spiking to its highest height, it was strange, yet endearing. You inhaled sharply at the newfound sensation, and Jake pulled away out of fear.

"It's okay," You spoke softly. "That felt...nice." Jake smiled sheepishly, placing his hands back and moving them closer to where your body had reacted the most. This time, his lips moved slow on yours, paying more focus on the finger that began to circle your nipple, it was as light as ever, but it still caused your breath to get stuck in your throat. It tingled through you, both up to your head and down to your groin, slightly terrifying you, but it was too good for you to want it to end.

You can feel your bud growing harder under his finger. "I guess you're really sensitive here." Jake nervously giggled, His finger rubbing harder. You can only nod, biting your lip to stop an unwanted groan from escaping. It was crazy how much of a simple thing was making you nauseatingly lightheaded.

Jake pressed his lips hard on yours, desperately. You feel him grab at the tote still on your arm and move it down, placing it on the floor. This kiss was more intense, impatient, and he used his teeth to suck in your bottom lip, causing him to giggle, and you would've too if you weren't so far gone. Your hormones must have crept in and automatically taken over every thought and action you made. Your thoughts were shrewd with the incapacity of him and his body. You huff in desperation when he moved his hand down to your stomach and curled around the hem of your shirt.

"I want you so bad," And you practically melt at the sound of his voice in your ears. It was low and seductive, something you haven't really heard before.

"I too," You choke on your words and hurry to rephrase. "I mean me too, like I want you too." You giggle out of nerves, but they catch in your throat when Jake doesn't hesitate to kiss you again.

He grabs a tight hold onto your waist, pulling you up from the couch. You shuffle over your feet, almost falling once, as he guided you to his bed.

It was hard to take in everything at once. That Jake wanted you as much as you did, how you both were about to share a vulnerable moment. But you pushed that all to the back of your head, the only thing important is that you were about to bask in the glow of him.

You scoot onto the bed until you find a comfortable position with your back against his headboard.

And Jake waste no time. "This should come off now I think." He mumbled into the side of your mouth tugging on the end of your thrift shop find. You help him pull off your shirt, throwing it into the wind. You want your lips on his again to avoid his gaze on your chest, but Jake purposely leans back admiring your skin. The same skin he's seen before, but now that you both were in a different setting, it felt like a big secret coming undone.

"Umm," you can't control the hunch that began to form in your shoulder, shy under his stare. You gestured at his own shirt, hoping you wouldn't be the only one getting naked.

"Oh, right," his hands fly down to his Nirvana graphic tee and pulled aggressively. He got his head stuck, and pleaded shyly for help after a few seconds, in which you untangle his eager arms. His hair was now disheveled across his head, the shirt joining yours wherever it was.

You sit there silently, watching his naked torso take a long deep breath, the veins that coursed his body drawing literal saliva from your mouth. You watch Jake bend at the waist. You think it's to come in contact with your lips, but you weren't prepared at all when his wet lips come in contact with your nipple, sucking harshly. It was like his finger but on steroids. Your back immediately arches to feel more of him on your skin. "Oh geez," You cringe at your awful word choices. You groan softly. It was the first time a vulgar sound had left your mouth, and you felt yourself blush. But you couldn't help it. You groan even louder when he lifts off and lets out a hot breath over your wet skin.

Your hands fly up to his hair, combing gently at first, but each time he sucked a little harder, you squeezed, tangling your fingers in his soft locks.

You felt so good that you couldn't help but want him to feel good too. In a surprise turn of events, you sneak a hand up to his back and down his waist, stroking at his sides until you can find the courage to reach your hands under and undo his jeans. It was difficult to pull his fly down when you had such shaky hands, but they managed to come down after a few tries.

Jake gasped when you reached your hand in and began to feel along the bulge in his underwear. You've never seen anyone's dick in person, and you were frightened to even think that Jake would be your first in that too.

He can't seem to handle the pleasure you were sending his way when his lips hum over the top of your chest, moaning softly.

You watch as his face screws in ecstasy. His forehead was starting to collect sweat, his lips were wet and slightly swollen from sucking, the sounds coming from his mouth were enough to get you moaning as well.

After a while, Jake fiddled with the buttons on your jeans until their off and thrown into the atmosphere. He hovered over you and kiss you for the umpteenth time. But Jake was bolder than you, carelessly and as casually as ever taking ahold of your cock and holding a firm grasp.

You whimper helplessly, pressing your head back against the headboard with a muffled thump. "Jake," you moan under your breath, staring up at the ceiling. And he must've taken that as an invitation to place his mouth back on your overly aroused nipple. You wanted to know what Jake looked like sucking on your nipple. His eyelashes were probably fanning over his perfect cheekbones, his tongue a hot pink as it licked over your bud. You remembered this in a dream once, the one that you woke up to in a ball of sweat in the middle of the night, dying at the fact that it wasn't real. But now it was, and you weren't sure that you were able to handle it much longer.

"Jake," you repeated a little louder, unsteadily when Jake stroked his hand faster against you. Your teeth bite into your bottom lip as you try and hold back louder whimpers, but his mouth and hand worked too hard to keep you quiet. Sweat starts to build all over your body, the pleasure grazing your skin -- and soon you feel a pool forming at the tip of your cock. "Jake, Jake," you're voice is more urgent this time, worried that the moment would be over before it really gets good. You push on his chest. He stopped immediately, worry crossing over his face. "I'm getting -- really close and I don't want to be yet." your eyes flicked nervously to the side.

Jake chuckled, "right, you just feel really good." You didn't realize how hard your heart was beating until he spoke. You playfully hit him on the shoulder as he takes his hand out from your boxers, causing you to groan from that alone.

"So, how do you want to do this?" You asked. "I didn't -- bring anything with me."

"Not to fear," Jake leaned over your body to reach into his nightside table with his free hand, pulling out a condom and a bottle of lube.

Your heart faltered a little, imagining that you're not the first person to see him vulnerable, knowing that someone has been in his bed, sharing his pleasure equally.

"My dad drops off condoms almost every month. He must think I'm a freak," Jake chuckled.

"So this isn't --" You trail off having a hard time finishing your sentence, but after a while Jake gets it.

"Don't let my nightstand fool you," he took a deep breath. "This is my first time."

"Like -- with a guy?"

"Like with anyone." Jake gleamed down at you. Out of habit, you roll your eyes, but you couldn't stop your excitement at the fact that you would be his first.

"You get to be my first." And there was the tingle again, one in your stomach and the other in the groin. He bent down and started sucking the skin on your neck, causing you to melt. "And you have no idea how long I've wanted this." A whimper escaped your mouth on accident.

"Do you want me to top? I'm fine if you want to, I don't think I have much of a preference."

"I want you on top," You squeak out. He giggled at your shyness before swooping back in for a kiss, and you both quickly fall into a rhythm. Jake reached down and tapped his fingers against your hip and when he lifted them, he carefully gripped the edge of your waistband and dragged your boxers down. You lifted your hips to facilitate his request, following quickly after to take off his own.

You kissed for a while. Jake moved you down so that your head was laying comfortably on his silk pillows that smelt like him. You don't remember when you spread your legs open, but all you could remember was the heat of Jake between your thighs, grinding sheepishly. It was so overwhelming to feel his dick hard against your own, to feel the smooth skin of his ass as you groped it, the pleasure of just rocking your bodies together enough to get you over the edge.

Eventually Jake reached for the half-empty bottle of lube laying beside his leg, and you tried not to stay fixated on why it was half-empty.

He snapped open the bottle and squeezed some out on his fingers, leaning down to kiss you once more. He grabbed ahold of your hip with his clean hand to steady your moving body. He roamed with his lubed-up hand on your ass. After a while, you realized he's trying to search but has a hard time feeling where the texture of your skin changes. You move your hand down to help him navigate, and moaned at his cold fingers when they found your opening. He circled your entrance carefully, and in response, you wrapped your arms around his neck.

Jake met your gaze as if asking for permission, and you nodded in response.

He pushed in slightly, and it felt like rockets going off. You scrunched your entire face, holding onto your breath until finally letting out an exasperated exhale as his finger moved in and out. After a while, the pressure died down, and you wanted more. "Can you -- add one more?" And Jake obeyed, pressing in until your body allowed the intrusion.

You felt yourself stretching at the width of his fingers, feeling them touch a base you never knew was there. Yeah, maybe you've experimented before down there, but it was nothing like this. Jake's fingers were rough, probably from all the times he's played goalie and rolled around on the turf field, yet he moved with such cautiousness that it was killing you. There was something that Jake barely grazed, and it caused you to tighten around him, your hands went from being around his neck to squeezing his shoulder blades. "Shit." and it's the only thing you can repeat over and over again.

You can feel Jake's breath as he panted over your ear, and you whisper for him to go harder, not be so gentle. and he does. In seconds, you're overtaken with pleasure, your arms drop from his body to grip the pillow behind your head. Jake was touching something -- what you presumed to be your prostate -- but you never expected it would feel this good. You've watched as much porn as the next person, but god, the real thing was an entirely different beast.

You felt Jake straddle over your right leg and grind slowly. You could feel the wetness coming from his tip which only made you go crazier. Your whimpers and groans grew louder by the second until your body seized up and arched off the bed. Jake bent down to kiss at your neck again, and things felt like too much. He continued to stretch out your walls, adding another finger in between the gaps he was continuously rubbing against that spot that drove you insane. He thrusted into your prostate like it was a punching bag. After a while, you can't handle it anymore and stopped his wrist with as much strength as you could muster.

"Okay, that's enough," You manage to pant out. Jake hummed sweetly in your ear and gently removed his fingers. He pulled back to look at your sweaty face, only just realizing the wetness that scarfed your face.

He kissed away your stained cheeks softly before reaching over and grabbing the condom, ripping it with his teeth, and you watch in awe. For someone who's never done this before, Jake seemed to be an expert, groaning softly while it rolled down his length with lube following after. You couldn't name the number of times you had pictured this happening, Jake over top of you, getting ready like this, but now wasn't time to fall back into dreamland, there would be plenty of time for that when Jake wasn't getting ready to take your virginity.

Jake leaned back over you and kissed you just as gently as he did the first time. He laced your fingers into his and squeezed gently. He fully pressed his body on top of yours, you could feel the outline of his abs and the dip of skin where his belly button was. His body was so hot that you felt yourself beginning to sweat immediately.

"Do you want -- like a pillow maybe?" Jake's voice quivered as he asked, and you can't help but giggle with nerves.

"Sure," and Jake grabbed with his free hand a pillow from the side and you awkwardly angle your legs until he can push it directly under your hips.

He pressed another kiss down against your lips. "And you're sure? Your not second-guessing right?" Jake breathed out. He's never been this nervous about anything, not even when he had to make the winning goal during the championship game. But here he was -- his voice shaking, his eyes pouting a bit, his lips parted in caution.

"I'm not," you exclaimed. "Are -- are you?"

"No, no, I really want this, but I just want to make sure you really want this too." You scanned Jake's eyes before letting loose of his hand to pull down his head and place a quick kiss. "I can't even explain to you how much I want this."

"I'm still having a hard time believing that this is actually real." You both giggle at your comment.

"Me too," Was the last thing he said as he pushed forward into another kiss, wrapping your legs around his waist.

You kiss for a while, feeling Jake's member casually swiping over your bottom area until Jake removed his lips to watch what he was doing. You can see his hands shaking over the top of his cock, the one you did realize was so veiny and long. You take a deep breath as he approached your entrance and guided himself gently.

You were tight, even with the harsh thrust of Jake's finger, it was nothing compared to the real thing. It doesn't hurt like you were intending it to, just a little odd.

And Jake move exceedingly slow, as if to tease you. You placed your hands on the small of his back and pressed him closer to you, his hand falling beside your hips and grinding you up gently. There were times that he would move but stop in sporadic occurrences, causing you to whimper for him to keep going.

So he does, pulling out halfway before sinking back in, both of you matching rhythm to the sound of your moans. Jake began an ongoing back and forth, leaving delicate kisses on your neck, sometimes sucking at the nape that caused you to clench your nails against his skin.

He sped up as the sound of your moans grew louder. And it's weird how you can't seem to stop them from escaping your mouth, and you hope that Jake doesn't hear the weird throat ones that come out unsuspectingly.

You gasp when Jake's fist closed around the base of your erection and pumped fast. His hips drew in strong thrusts, some so strong that you weren't even able to make a sound.

Jake hovered his lips over yours as he finds his pacing and seems stuck in his pleasure, just as you were.

It went as smoothly as it could. There were a few times Jake slipped out, but he was quick to guide himself back again. You started thrusting up in pleasure, causing the rhythm to become jagged, but you stopped for a second to match it again.

You desperately push your lips onto Jake's -- maybe a little too hard when you hear him wince as your teeth collide with his -- but you giggled it off through moans. After that, the rhythm just stays uneven, but you don't mind. The sound of his skin slapping against yours causes you to blush when you think back to all the videos you had watched, wondering how such a sound could happen, and yet here you were making it. You were such Jake's sensitive skin was a dark red from the slamming and slapping with every thrust, and you wonder in awe how such a thought could create a low groan from the back of your throat.

But it wasn't until Jake angled his hips closer towards your pelvis that you felt a surge of pleasure travel straight to your tip.

And it caused you to scream. And not stop until you felt your seed coat your stomach and his chest. You feel yourself squeeze tightly against his cock, and you watch as his eyes gloss over with pleasure, a single tear escaping his eye as he collapsed on top of you, pushing in desperately as he reached his climax.

You no longer had the strength to keep your legs wrapped around his waist, having them fall clumsily against his side. He thrust in gently, riding out his aftershocks, still gripping with his left hand tightly on your hip.

You feel him pull out and lift his head, a dazed smile spreading across his face.

"Hey," Jake muttered out. You both can't contain your laughter after what just happened and the fact that it even did.

He ran his fingers through your sweaty hair. You leaned into his soft touch with a smile of your own.

"Hi," You nervously repeat back. Jake slumped back down on you, kissing your cheeks wetly before nuzzling into the crook of your neck.

After a while, when your heart and his calms their pounding beats, You watch as Jake rolled down the soaked condom. He tied it together and threw it in a nearby bin. When he turned back towards you, you meet his eyes only for a second before he smirks at the mess on your stomach.

"We did that." He breathes out moments later. You hit him on the shoulder, a little embarrassed after recent events. Jake playfully laughed and wrapped his arm around your waist, pulling you in. It wasn't long before his breath evened out and he fell to sleep, but even with the time of night it was, you didn't want to miss the face of Jake sleeping now that you were so close to him.

Your mind couldn't stop replaying the encounter with Jake that you had imagined happening over and over again. You wanted to punch middle school you that cried every night, you wanted to shush recent you that thought it was impossible for Jake to love you back.

Because now, more than ever, you felt so loved. And that was all that mattered.

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rabbit-bf · 4 years ago

Text

“Weather the Storm”

Contains: Storms, Fluff, Self Ship

Ship: Nagito x Self Insert x Hajime

A/N: It’s been storming all day. I needed some comfort.

“I envy people that find storms calming.” I sighed, all but pouting at the sight outside. The rain pelted the awning and the world was grey. Seeing it sent a sting of anxiety up my spine, making my insides twist. I felt like I could get sick, and all it was was raining. Simple, soft, spring rain.

The thunder wasn’t even loud. The rain wasn’t even that hard. The wind wasn’t even that strong. And yet, I was so crippled with fear over it. I was indoors, it couldn’t possibly hurt me in any way. We weren’t in the thick of the storm, we were getting the lightest part of it. How could I possibly be this afraid?

“Don’t sulk like that, you know the sunshine that will come afterwards will feel so much better.” Nagito said, slightly starling me as he walked into the room, mug of tea in hand. He sat down on the bed next to me, gently running the back of his hand against my arm. I shifted to fully face him, and he offered a warm smile.

I took in his calm demeanor, almost trying to absorb the energy for myself. He always found rain relaxing, it was one of the few places we clashed. He just didn’t get the trauma associated with dreary weather for me, but that’s not to say he didn’t try to make me feel better. Whether it helped or not was besides the point, he would always try.

“I just want it to be over already, so I can forget about it.” I groaned, letting myself fall into Nagito, my forehead ramming into his shoulder dramatically. He quickly caught me, chuckling quietly as the event unfolded. The tea in his cup nearly spilling.

“If it’s bothering you that much, just close the curtain!” My other boyfriend, Hajime, called from the other room. He was folding laundry, but I guess he overheard our conversation. I could hear the clang of metal hangers and soft sounds of fabric rubbing against itself. “You can’t keep your attention on it, knowing it’s going to make you upset!”

“He’s does have a point, you know.” Nagito shrugged, pushing me slightly, so I was upright again. I took a deep breath, not even noticing the frustrated way I was stimming with my hands in my lap. No matter what I was trying, nothing in my head could rationalize the fact that everything would be okay. That it was just a silly little scattered storm that would probably pass before the top of the hour.

“Let me tell you what,” Nagito stood up, setting his mug on the nightstand. “You stay there, and I will be back in a moment.” He flashed a small smile before walking out of the bedroom, leaving me by myself.

I figured while he was gone that I should draw the curtain, so that’s what I did. It almost made me uneasy to not know what was going on outside, despite the fact that even seeing the grey sky made me sick to my stomach. It felt like a lose/lose situation.

Nagito didn’t take long, soon walking through the door once more, now with a few things in hand. He set them all down on the bed in a heap, still not telling me what he was up to. It was at that time that Hajime had also walked into the bedroom, his heterocromic eyes baring as much confusion as I’m sure mine did.

“Take this.” Nagito said, handing me something quickly. “Ah, Hajime! You take these!” The taller of the two handed him what now registered as a couple of pillows. I then looked down at the piece of fabric in my hand, realizing it was Nagito’s beat up old windbreaker. I used to steal it constantly, to the point it wasn’t really even his anymore. It gave me such comfort to wear it, knowing how much he had gone through in it and came out alive and well. The fact that it smelled like him definitely didn’t hurt either.

While I was distracted putting on the jacket, I didn’t even notice the boys on either side of me. They were pinning sheets to the wall and anchoring them with pillows. They covered the window with extra blankets, and grabbed a few of my stuffed animals. Before I knew it, there was a pillow fort around us three.

I just let myself look up at the structure around me. I was basically gawking at it, wondering how I had managed to be so out of it that I missed the last ten minutes that it took them to put this all up. Hajime chuckled at my reaction, scooting close to me, his arm wrapping around my shoulders.

“You can’t see the storm now! Hopefully you won’t be able to hear it either!” The lucky boy exclaimed, seemingly proud of himself for his quick thinking. He plopped down next to us, handing me one of the many stuffed animals now on our bed.

“It’s like your own little world, now, huh?” Hajime said with a smile, taking one of my hands and pulling it so I fell back onto him as he lied down. I giggled, adjusting myself to I was laying on my side, my head on Hajime’s chest.

Nagito smiled softly at us, sitting criss cross in front of us. I reached my arms out towards him, implying he should also lay down with us. He thought it over before giving in. He slid his way on the other side of me, wrapping one arm around my waist. I felt Hajime playing with my hair, and I just let myself take in the moment.

These two boys went to the trouble of making sure I was comfortable. There was doubt I even deserved them or this treatment. There was a million things they could be doing right now, and they decided to help quell my silly fear.

Nagito sighed contently, pulling me closer to him as if I’d float away if he didn’t. As everything got settled I noticed I could still hear the now muffled sound of the rain hitting the roof. I couldn’t help but almost find it calming.

#self ship #self shipping #self ship community #self shipping community #f/o #self ship fanfiction #self ship writing #danganronpa self ship #🍀🃏#danganronpa #danganronpa fanfiction

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your-isolation-buddy · 5 years ago

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Movement break ideas

for hyperactive beans in quarantine 🌟

Hi tumblr *waves*

So I tend to forget about certain difficulties I had when I first became isolated since it feels like such a long time ago, but I was going through my old journals and found ideas for ‘movement’ breaks.

If you didn’t know, I have ADHD (hello) and it got me thinking how, in the time from when I’d just dropped out of school and I wasn’t as isolated and could still go out a bit and do stuff, to when I was really quite housebound and could sometimes barely leave my room, I had to change and adapt and re-learn how I kept my ADHD-ness happy. For example at first I could run around the garden or park if I wanted to, go out for walks with my dog, do lots of baking or painting, go to sports classes etc but over time those things became less and less possible.

Similarly I was thinking there might be ADHD beans here who can’t access/have limited access to their usual activities/stims/etc and so here’s a list of suggestions. Even if you don’t have ADHD, you might find these helpful for example if

-You feel you’re sitting still too long and it’s making you feel groggy

-You’re doing online school/work and finding it hard to concentrate just being in one place all day (I used to find just the short walk from class to class helped a lot, especially outside and I used to take breaks in lesson to walk around when I needed to)

-You need a little endorphin boost

So here’s the list. You’ll probably find some more accessible than others since I’ve just picked ones from across my time at home (in varying levels of stuck-at-home-ness) and there might be some that aren’t possible right now (a lot of the more physical ones I can’t do any more because of limited mobility) but I hope there’s something in here for you and please just pick whatever you enjoy most, not what you think you should pick

Skipping

Pushups

Animal walks (crab, bear etc)

Frog jumps

Jumping jacks

Put on a song you love and just dance around

Try some yoga

Stretches

Baking (without a mixer!)

Learning a dance routine

Learn a dance routine sitting down/ in a chair

Gardening

Finger painting (no, you’re not too old)

Painting/drawing on a larger scale so you move more

Trampoline (outdoor or on a small indoor one)

Swing your legs

Situps

Play keepy-ups

Play with a pet e.g tug of war, fetch, teaching tricks, play fighting

Hopscotch (draw with chalk outside or just hope across the kitchen tiles)

Throw and catch with a bouncy ball or beanbag (with another person if possible or you can do this by yourself eg throw straight up in the air)

It doesn't have to be just physical exercise. Often with ADHD, things that you would think might make you more bouncy actually relieve some bounciness, like how caffeine can make you sleepy and stimulant meds can help with hyperactivity. In that case, you can do things throughout the day- or when you feel you need to run around the block but can't- that are stimulating for your brain and senses. Here are some ideas. Maybe they'll also be helpful for others if you're feeling groggy/in a slump and need to wake yourself up a bit

Listen to high pitch/fast paced music (eg nightcore versions of your favourite songs)

Sit on a bouncy ball

Use a straw if you have one when you drink

Choose crunchy snacks like vegetable sticks or popcorn

Or tangy snacks that make your tongue tingle

Try something sour or spicy

Have a herbal tea (something mint or spicy)

Have a cool shower (or splash your face with cold water)

Smell flowers or perfume

Play with a fidget toy

Resources:

Yoga

Tara Stiles

Yoga with Yeni

Stretches

Morning stretches

Sitting in a chair stretches

Butterfly stretch

Stretch with Jhope from BTS (00:00- 6:50 for warmup stretches and from 56:20 for cooldown stretches)

Stretches with WinWin (NCT)

Taekwondo stretches

Taekwondo stretches (bit harder)

Standing stretches

Family stretches

Dance

Kpop tutorials with Ellen and Brian

Wheelchair dance tutorials with Chelsie Hill

1MILLION dance studio tutorials

Six the Musical dance lessons

Music

Nightcore Zeus

Bouncy + catchy kpop (I find listening to upbeat music in other languages helpful for focus because I don't get distracted by the lyrics)

Pets

Dog tricks

Make dog biscuits

Fidget toys

DIY fidgets

Baking

Bake with Gabrielle Aplin

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aceyanaheim · 6 years ago

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Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.)

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms:

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour. Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info) and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time.

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD)

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection.

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd)

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder)

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be) but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending)

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders)

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.)

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah)

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years)

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help)

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s)

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist)

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.: Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem) deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this.

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do.

How your disorder/s affect your relationships

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems.

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad)

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes. All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression. I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things.

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot) My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away.

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

#mental health #mental illness #mental health awareness #mental health awareness 2018 #mental health awareness 2019 #mha2018 #well..2019 but thats what they said to tag it #depression cw #anxiety cw #self harm cw #suicidal feelings cw #ableism #abuse mention #fillicide mention #uuuh I think that covers it #here goes

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stebens · 7 years ago

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i wanna start by saying i'm not being antagonistic or trying to be mean, i really just wanna know. what steven universe characters do you headcannon as autistic? i really like your take on things and just your blog in general so i'm sorry if this is annoying or upsetting. you don't have to answer this if you don't want to (like i won't be upset or spam you with asks) have a great day ❤️

You’re not being antagonistic! Don’t worry!! I love talking about my autistic headcanons.

(I’ll forego explaining Steven since he’s so widely headcanon’d as autistic/ADHD, there’s already multiple posts out there about him.)

Click below to experience REAL AUTISM HOURS

Pearl

- She has a routine, and changes in that routine can cause her to meltdown and cry.- She is VERY expressive with her hands and often uses them to stim!- She love love loves to infodump and is always eager to teach, i.e. swordfighting, gem stuff, etc.- She doesn’t really get jokes or sarcasm very often.- She either keeps a plain facial expression or a wildly emotional facial expression and there is little to no in-between.

Garnet

- In Season 1, she struck me as semiverbal, and I like to imagine she was even nonverbal when Steven was a toddler. But now that she’s grown and opened up to her friends, I think she can even go hyperverbal sometimes!- Meat Beat Mania is the Ultimate Stim and Hyperfocus- She doesn’t always know what facial expression she’s making so it gets stuck in a smile, frown, scowl, etc. sometimes so Steven paps her face to un-stuck it.

Amethyst

- LOV THE CRONCH. Eating is the best stim. That’s why she eats such weird shit.- The mess in her room is an Organized Mess. Don’t touch it. Everything in there is important to her and she’ll know the minute something goes missing from her room.- She shuts down whenever she’s overwhelmed. Bother her too much while she’s like this, and the shutdown will turn meltdown.- Heavily uses sarcasm but doesn’t always get it when others do.

Ruby + The Squad

- Minor inconvenience = MELTDOWN- “Sorry what? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my brain running at 200mph”- Ruby focuses on one thing at a time. She has a hard time dealing with multiple problems, so she only deals in ones. It can be difficult getting her attention when she’s got her mind on something.- Doc can count, but has difficulties processing numbers. She usually has a suspicion when she counted wrong, but if someone tells her she’s right, she’ll believe them.- Navy has an indoor voice because everything is Too Loud. Quiet places make her happy, which is why she immediately loved Earth.- Army stims by FLEXING and PUNCHING THINGS. She’s also more likely to shutdown rather than meltdown. She’s angery 24/7 but if something overwhelms her she’ll go full nonverbal and hide away from everyone and everything.- Leggy has the most trouble processing new information, which is why she seems to be “lagging” behind the others. She’ll get better at it though!- Eyeball is very set on her missions and goals. That’s her routine. If she can’t accomplish them, she gets really angry and depressed. This shows in her behavior in ‘Bubbled’.

Sapphire

- Hyperempathetic, even if it doesn’t show. She feels what her loved ones are feeling. Even when she’s not fused with Ruby, she shares her feelings, i.e. her anger in Keystone Motel.- Her infodumps aren’t the typical “super excited, talking really fast” infodumps. They’re slow and passionate like she’s telling a fairytale, and everyone loves to listen to them.- She stims with her hair A LOT. Brushing her bangs, combing her fingers through the lengths, etc. She loves when other people play with her hair too.

Rose / Pink Diamond

- She has the biggest, BIGGEST special interest in Earth. For the thousands of years from her “shattering” to Steven’s birth, she spent every moment loving humans and the Earth and learning as much about them as she could.- She reformed with a dress because it’s fun to stim with! Twirling and bouncing and everything. Her old outfit was so uncomfortable sensory wise. Now she doesn’t have to deal with puffy sleeves or shoes anymore!- She doesn’t know what’s going on most of the time and that’s okay.

#i have more headcanons of course but #this is already So Long so i'll just stop here sfdhj #answered #personal #snapback says #Anonymous

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ncvabcrn-archive · 6 years ago

Text

FILL IN THE QUESTIONS/STATEMENT AS IF YOU ARE BEING INTERVIEWED FOR AN ARTICLE AND YOU WERE YOUR MUSE

TAG 10 PEOPLE TO DO THIS MEME, (REPOST, DON’T REBLOG) tagged: stole from @puzzlepcice shhh ;) tagging: whoever wants to! uwu

1. WHAT IS YOUR NAME? ally nightheart nova!!

2. WHAT IS YOUR REAL NAME? allister nova

3. DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU WERE CALLED THAT? ally is a more neutral name, allister sounds too masculine for me?? and also ramon called me nightheart a lot so i thought it’d be my unofficial middlename.

4. ARE YOU SINGLE OR TAKEN? ehh.. making vague hand motions here.

5. HAVE ANY ABILITIES OR POWERS? i guess?? mostly stuff relating to my bloodline, and high agility.

6. STOP BEING A MARY SUE/GARY STU. make me, dickweed.

7. WHAT’S YOUR EYE COLOR? blue!!

8. HOW ABOUT YOUR HAIR COLOR? space-blue!!

9. HAVE YOU ANY FAMILY MEMBERS? as far as i know, i might, not sure if they’re alive or anything though. i know that my biological father is alive, and i have a half-sister.

10. OH? WHAT ABOUT PETS? a black german shepherd named chubs!!

11. THAT’S COOL I GUESS, NOW TELL ME ABOUT SOMETHING YOU DON’T LIKE. i don’t like bacon, it’s crunchy fake meat.

12. DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES/ACTIVITIES YOU LIKE DOING? i like playing the drums whenever i can, helps me stim.

13. EVER HURT ANYONE BEFORE? ..yeah.

14. EVER… KILLED ANYONE BEFORE? i didn’t mean to, it was an accident.

15. WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL ARE YOU? tiger!!

16. NAME YOUR WORST HABITS. selfless to the point where it does more harm to me than good.

17. DO YOU LOOK UP TO ANYONE AT ALL? i look up to mason a lot.

18. GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BISEXUAL? bi & poly!!

19. DO YOU GO TO SCHOOL? graduated at some point.

20. DO YOU EVER WANT TO MARRY AND HAVE KIDS ONE DAY? i mean?? if it happens, then it happens.

21. DO YOU HAVE ANY FANBOYS/FANGIRLS? probably.

22. WHAT ARE YOU MOST AFRAID OF? losing control

23. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY WEAR? hoodies, sweatpants, sneakers.

24. DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE? ... ... ...

25. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WET YOURSELF? ..what.

26. WHAT CLASS ARE YOU? (HIGH CLASS, MIDDLE CLASS, LOW CLASS) i am.. broke as shit.

27. HOW MANY FRIENDS DO YOU HAVE? i’d say like, uh, a handful??

28. WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON PIE? haven’t tried it!!

29. FAVORITE DRINK? cream soda!!

30. WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE? there’s this arcade that shilo, mason and i used to go to, i still go there from time to time.

31. ARE YOU INTERESTED IN SOMEONE? nunya business, bbiittcchh!!

32. WHAT’S YOUR BRA CUP SIZE AND/OR HOW BIG IS YOUR WILLY? why would you even want to know that?? ..4.5 inches.

33. WOULD YOU RATHER SWIM IN THE LAKE OR THE OCEAN? lake, it’s not as deep.

34. WHAT’S YOUR TYPE? i’ve been told i have a thing for badasses apparently.

35. ANY FETISHES? uh..

36. TOP OR BOTTOM? DOMINANT OR SUBMISSIVE? i prefer to be a bottom, if that wasn’t obvious enough. though i can top if needed.

37. CAMPING OR INDOORS? why not both??

38. ARE YOU WANTING THE QUIZ TO END? you lost me when you said “willy”.

#★; ❝ᴵᵗ ᶤˢ ᶤ ᵗʰᵉ ᶠʳᵉᶰᶜʰᶤᵉˢᵗ ᶠʳʸ❞ (tagged.)#★; ❝ᴬ ᶜᵃᵗ ᵇʸ ᵃᶰʸ ᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ᶰᵃᵐᵉ❞ (character study.)

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neon-glowing-rainbow-stims · 8 months ago

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🌴 ~ Jumpin' Jamboree! ~ 🌴 (kidfunfl)

(Credit if you use!) (ko-fi)

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box-of-chaooos · 2 years ago

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I have to rant about the rabbit I’m getting she’s just precious and I’m so excited!

I’m 8 days for my 16th birthday which will be next Friday I believe. After years and years and years of wanting a rabbit I’m finally going to get one!

Long story ahead mostly about rabbits and my excitement for them lol

I’ve got depression it’s been like this for 3 years and latley I’ve been having a bit of a rough patch last past few months things haven’t been ideal and I’ve not felt my best so to cheer me up my mum decided to tell me that after 2 years of asking and several years as a kid before that too but mostly the 2 years of non stop rabbit hyperfixation and begging to get one she told me she’d changed her mind. She’d changed her mind about the whole pet rabbit situation and for my 16 which at the time was 54 days away I was allowed a pet rabbit of my very own. My inner child and my absolute love and obsession with the fluffy critters just made for one heck of a display of excitement. I ran around in and out the kitchen and slipped over on the freshly mopped floor and had to be picked up cause my dog got excited to and just absolutely cuddle to me. Once I was up again and had the dog off of me and not licking the shit outta my face it set in much better. I was allowed a rabbit. For my birthday I was going to have a rabbit. Six year old me would’ve been the most happy kid in the world if theyd heard that and there was no less excitement at the time.

With no chance of getting a rabbit for 2 years of my obsession I just did extreme deep intense research all about them, the different breeds, traits, body language, diets all that and know all the basics and more! I can almost completely accurately based on description say what breed a rabbit is or just by looking at it I can tell. Heating I was finally allowed my so deeply wanted pet I of course began to look at all the options for buying them. My mum wanted to go to pets at home our local pet store as she didn’t trust breeders. She’d looked on gumtree of all places for rabbit breeders which really put her off and I don’t blame it for doing so. We went into pets at home to have a look at suitable enclosures for the rabbit a large indoor hutch, play pen, toys and food the basic necessities. Whislt in there I got head over heals for this adorable male harlequin rabbit that was sat in one of the little enclosures

He was absolutely gorgeous and I instantly loved him. I asked if I could give him a little pet and the lady was very lovely and allowed me to. The worker was the sweetest person honestly she was so lovely, she asked if we where buying and when we said we’d be getting one at some point and it was going to be an indoors rabbit she suggested pets4home. She told us the rabbits that we saw in there where already a good few months even a year old and wouldn’t be able to adjust easily to an indoor life it would stress them out and us trying to deal with them and that the house would just become an absolute state. She recommended we get a baby so that it can grow up with me and mum loved the idea whilst I just loved the idea of getting a little bunny either way I was very happy. We left pets at home and I stimmed bouncing around excitedly from having petted a rabbit. My phone flew out my back pocket and hit the floor the screen cracked which wasn’t ideal but it’s okay

Back at home I’m looking through the rabbit listings on pets4home. Mum said to keep it small a small rabbit not big so I ignored the giant breeds and stuck to minis and dwarfs. I had a good look and saw lots of absolutely beautiful baby’s, lots of little baby mini lops and tiny netherland dwarfs. My mum also had a look and sent through some of the adds and the rabbits as suggestions but despite all being absolute dreams of rabbits I just didn’t feel a instant connection to them. I’ve had 2 hamsters and instantly felt a connection to them since they where “special” my Syrian hamster was the only grey and white one. My Russian dwarf that I have now was the first ever animal I’d seen with red eyes. So each pet I’ve had has been rather special and had such funny little personality’s of theyre own.

I stumbled upon an ad with this netherland dwarf, mum only wanted a girl as she didn’t want them to spray all over the house. So the ad showed a netherland dwarf mini lop cross breed with white fur and mesmerising red eyes! Pink sclera red pupils and I was absolutely love struck. She was the last of her 5 siblings to have been adopted and I was quick to show my mum. When I showed her she knew I’d found the bun I wanted she knew this is the one and so she messaged the seller.

She was still available and we where sent a couple more photos of her. The seller said that she’s lovely and tame and enjoys to be cuddled and one thing made me fall even harder for this tiny thing. My mum said my sons lonely and is looking for a friend so he’ll love her to bits and the sellers reply melted me, Aw that’s sweet she’s rather lonely too since all her siblings are gone now I’m sure she’ll be very happy. She was lonely to!! And when that was said I instantly just buzzed, we have to get her she’s the one. So my nana bless her heart put the 20 for deposit on her. That night my mum came in and told me that my nana was paying the deposit for her. She was mine all that we had to do was collect her and that was it. This beautiful girl was mine now. That was probably the most amazing thing ever.

I’d spent months planning names, based on species fur colour and gender. There where so many names for so many different catagories and it all depends what this rabbit looked like. So seeing my girl I thought on some names. Some of the most common for white furred animals came to mind, sugar, snow, cotton etc I was going to go with snuffy but it didn’t really fit the best, so my lovely homestuck brain went. Latula. I said it out loud ,what about latula? Saying it out loud I loved it nd was waiting for my mums response would she like it? She didn’t like any of the other names. She loved it. She said it was such a pretty name so sweet and fitting.

Latula is coming home In 8 days now and I’m so excited it’s really settling in each day more and more that I’m going to have my dream pet of my own to love and care for, no more dreaming no more wishing no more begging it’s happening and with the most amazing rabbit ever. I’m very excited

#rant #autistic #autistic rant #rabbits #pets #birthday #story time #personal #chaos personal #homestuck #homestuck latula #homestuck reference

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oharaisbaee · 7 years ago

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Former Sky Blue players, staff lash out over poor playing, living conditions

NEWS

Former Sky Blue players, staff lash out over poor playing, living conditions

By John D Halloran, Dan Lauletta, and Allison Lee

July 17, 2018

On July 7, former Sky Blue FC forward Sam Kerr returned to her old stomping grounds at Yurcak Field for the first time since leaving the club in January. Now playing for the Chicago Red Stars, Kerr scored a hat trick that night against her former team.

However, the striker’s celebrations were muted, almost apologetic, and after the game she explained how she’d nearly been in tears at some points during the game.

“If I’m honest, I didn’t enjoy it,” Kerr told reporters after the match. “I wish things were better here, and that I could stay. It just sucks that that’s the way it had to be.

“I wish I could take every single one of them with me,” she added, nodding in the direction of the Sky Blue bench area, “but that’s not the way it is.

“I’m just going to say the girls deserve better, and leave it at that. These girls are great girls. They give everything for this club and this league, and they just deserve better. I scored a hat trick, but I wasn’t myself today. I feel sick playing against these girls.”

Since then, The Equalizer has spoken to a half-dozen people affiliated with the club, some of whom requested to remain anonymous. All shared a bleak picture of life at Sky Blue beyond the club’s current winless season: stories of poor housing situations, poor facilities, and broad mismanagement.

Caroline Stanley, who played for the club in 2016, knew from the first day she arrived at Sky Blue that something wasn’t right.

“The first day I actually got there, I landed, checked my phone, and had an email saying the place they told me I was living had been changed,” she told The Equalizer.

“It was Day 1, new team, moving across the country, the place I thought I was living I’m no longer living and it’s just kind of ‘To Be Determined.’ The comfort, and the management of off-the-field quality of life was just really poor and unorganized. I ended up getting shoved into a really tiny little house in a beach town with four other girls, and it was two sets of bunk beds.”

MORE: Sam Kerr’s unhappy hat trick

“Last year housing was a disaster,” said former assistant coach Dave Hodgson, who left midway through the 2018 campaign. “Like one of the houses that players had to live in just should have been knocked down. Plastic bags for windows, sheets of cardboard for windows, comforters stuck in holes in the wall. I’m not exaggerating. Stuff like that’s horrific.”

General manager Tony Novo said that housing is a challenge in New Jersey where cost of living is high and beach front property is at a premium in summer months, but said the only player who was shuttled around this season was one who chose to arrive late.

“Especially over the last three years—’16 to ‘17 and from ‘17 to ‘18—we’ve made it better,” Novo said. “More housing and better housing for our players. We currently have three, three-bedroom apartments that are very nice—I’m going to use the term plush for those apartments. Those are the more senior by age players. Then we have a five-bedroom house that is five blocks from the beach that is furnished. I can clearly say that our housing has gotten better over the last three years.”

Novo said the rest of the players live with their families in the area or with host families plus one player who has elected to go on her own with a friend from outside the team.

While Hodgson conceded that housing for some players has improved in 2018, two former players said that some other players have lived in five to seven different locations in a single season. Multiple sources also said that players currently with the club were relegated to sleeping on couches in other players’ apartments, and that housing for the players on the bottom tier of the roster is as bad as before.

“We have never made anybody sleep on a couch,” Novo said.

Multiple sources also told The Equalizer that in a previous season some players were forced to live with an elderly man who repeatedly made inappropriate comments to the players and made them feel uncomfortable. When the players addressed their concerns to the team, the players were told they would have to find alternate housing for themselves. Other players who addressed concerns regarding housing were told the same, and multiple players did arrange their own living arrangements when those provided by the team were unsatisfactory.

On the house with the elderly man, Novo acknowledged that particular house did not work out as planned and was dropped after a season but added that when asked, only one of five players said she wanted to move out and that her request was granted.

Complaints about the training facilities and the team’s home field at Yurcak are also common.

“When there are no showers in your stadium locker room, you don’t feel like a professional. When you don’t have an equipment manager and you show up to practice in your training gear—you don’t have a locker room—you throw your crap on the side of the field like it’s club practice and then leave in your nasty clothes and wash it yourself, you don’t feel like a professional. You cannot perform under those conditions.” – Caroline Stanley

One training facility is referred to as “The Jungle,” and multiple sources confirmed that the team’s training facilities have no locker rooms, no running water, and no bathrooms absent a porta-potty.

“They don’t enjoy being the red-headed stepchild of the league,” said Hodgson. “They don’t enjoy having Rutgers as their home, because it’s crap. I mean, there’s literally a hill on the side where there should be bleachers. There’s no showers—there’s no showers. The two-time World Player of the Year [Carli Lloyd] has to get an ice bath in a 50-gallon trash can. It’s ridiculous.”

Novo explained that the team began the season training at indoor turf facility Sportika Sports Complex and then moved to Rutgers where bathrooms and showers were a short walk away. With Rutgers sports in need of their field back, training has now shifted to a field in Jackson which, according to Novo, was to be supplied with portable bathrooms and showers this week. As of the start of training on Tuesday, they had yet to arrive.

Besides the lack of proper ice baths—or in some cases, ice itself—players also noted the lack of basics like ultrasound equipment, stim machines, and leg recovery systems.

“When there are no showers in your stadium locker room, you don’t feel like a professional,” said Stanley. “When you don’t have an equipment manager and you show up to practice in your training gear—you don’t have a locker room—you throw your crap on the side of the field like it’s club practice and then leave in your nasty clothes and wash it yourself, you don’t feel like a professional. You cannot perform under those conditions.”

Multiple sources also complained that the lack of training gear provided, combined with the lack of laundry services, meant players would sometimes have to wear dirty gear during practice sessions.

“We are given two socks, two shirts, two shorts for practice gear for six months,” said one former player in an email. “We get one pair of cleats for the entire year. We use this gear every training and some days, multiple times.

“We do our own laundry. One player was given children’s cleats to play in. Some of these seem insignificant but we are talking about a professional organization and professional athletes.

“At least in college we are given enough gear to wear so we don’t have to re-wear our sweaty gear for a double day,” she later added.

Novo said that in the past, so few players took advantage of the laundry service that it became pointless to keep it, and emphasized that game uniforms are washed and returned to the players on match days.

“Sky Blue has always been unfinished projects and broken promises,” said another former player. “Each year it’s been less of a progression and more of a digression.”

Complaints about travel were also common. To save money, multiple sources told The Equalizer that the team does not reimburse the players for baggage fees, finds cheaper travel by forcing the players to take very early and very late flights, provides per diems on the road that often don’t cover the cost of food, and has, at times, stopped at gas stations and fast food restaurants for meals on the road.

“Just every single trip is a debacle,” explained Hodgson. “It was a debacle last year. Our first trip to North Carolina this year, the credit card didn’t work. There was no money on the credit card. We couldn’t hire any vans. Our players were sitting at the airport for two hours. Just a debacle.”

“When we travel for one, two, or three days, most of the players bring a carry-on.” Novo said. “We provide them with team bags where they can put their personals, and then we carry all of our equipment. I haven’t been asked for a big need for checking bags.”

The GM added that per diem meal money is in line with league standards with team meals excluded from the day’s total. Continental breakfast at hotels is in lieu of breakfast money for the players.

Medical bills for injuries sustained while playing for the club have also been a problem for some players. Stanley says that while playing for Sky Blue, she was injured in a match against Portland and needed multiple doctor visits to deal with a separated shoulder.

“I just received a call from collections a couple weeks ago,” said Stanley. “I had no idea. I had my credit dinged pretty hard for a $50 doctor’s visit that wasn’t taken care of by the organization.”

“The girls that are scared to use their voice because they fear losing an opportunity—I will do it for them. I have nothing to lose.” – Caroline Stanley

Other players have told Stanley that they’ve had to “hound” the organization to take care of similar situations. Novo acknowledged that, on rare occasions, medical bills have slipped through the cracks. He attributes this to players not using the club’s mailing address during doctor’s visits and Sky Blue not seeing bills in a timely fashion. “We would never purposely not pay a $50 bill.”

The team, for its part, has repeatedly told players and coaches that things would improve, including a move to better, permanent training facilities and a new stadium. However, multiple sources confirm that the new training facility has not materialized this season, as promised, and there is little faith left that the club will live up to its promise of a new stadium.

“Sky Blue has always been unfinished projects and broken promises,” said another former player. “Each year it’s been less of a progression and more of a digression.”

“There’s the old saying that a fish rots from the head down,” she added. “For Sky Blue, this is where it is. It’s that the owners are not invested, they’re not. I haven’t seen them invested in any year and the owners are in charge of the GM.”

Stanley says that the current players are afraid to speak up, worried that doing so could harm their career prospects going forward. She says that’s why she’s decided to come forward.

“The girls that are scared to use their voice because they fear losing an opportunity—I will do it for them,” she said. “I have nothing to lose.”

“I want my friends’ quality of life, who play in the league, to be better,” said Stanley, who now coaches at Tulsa. “If they don’t have people standing up for them, I’ll do whatever I can. It’s been crazy how many girls have texted me this week and called me about this whole situation.”

Multiple sources explained to The Equalizer that Sky Blue has become a way station, of sorts, for the players. The players themselves widely believe that the ownership views the club simply as a “tax write-off” and, stuck in a difficult situation, the players hold out hope that a trade, a move abroad, or new team ownership might improve their situation.

“The players really want to be bought out by owners that give a damn,” said one former player.

The poor conditions around Sky Blue are not only a major factor for large amounts of roster turnover between seasons, but also for the team’s 15-game winless start to the current season. As Stanley said, it’s hard for the players to play at an elite level “when your quality of life is so poor.”

Several sources expressed concerns that the off-field conditions surrounding the team coupled with its on-field performance this season have put the team’s future in jeopardy.

“My concern is I don’t want the team to fold because I care about the team and the past organization that has built my career,” one former played explained. “But it’s something that I cherished and my friends are involved in, and I love that. And I don’t want a Boston to happen or a Western New York to happen. But it’s like, how do we prohibit this?

RELATED: When Sky Blue nearly joined Red Bull

“I don’t think that there’s any pressure. Again, this is the NWSL’s fault because they’re not involved, they’re not harping, and if they’re not harping, then the owners feel like they can get away with stuff.”

Sky Blue co-owner Steven Temares declined to be quoted for this story, but made it clear that the team’s ownership remains committed and that Sky Blue will be part of NWSL for the 2019 season and beyond.

Numerous sources close to the team also told The Equalizer that the league and NWSL Players’ Association are aware of the problem, but that the players have given up hope after being ignored for so long.

“I think it would just be best for everybody if they dissolved as a club. Their owners can find a new tax write-off,” said Stanley.

“Something has to change. To me, I don’t know how it would happen internally. I really don’t see how you could turn that club around at this point, unless it was bought out by somebody else.”

#nwsl #sky blue fc #new jersey #soccer #futbol #woso #caroline stanley #Tony Novo #Phil Nurphy #Dan Lauletta #Grant Wahl #USWNT #US Soccer #kelley o'hara #carli lloyd #kailen sheridan #janine beckie #imani dorsey #savannah mccaskill

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