#incorrect lupin

[giantkillerjack]

Lupin III, losing his patience with a particularly pompous mark: Jigen, we're gonna have to put the heist on hold for a minute; I gotta make a detour and fuck this guy's wife.

Bored unappreciated trophy wife, later that day: *answers the door*

Lupin: Hi I'm trying to rob your husband - wanna have sex?

Wife: 'kay.

joke inspired by this video at the 1:52 mark, although tbh it is a short video and it is absolutely worth watching the whole thing.

[percyweasleyapologist]

Remus: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.

Remus, playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.

[faerycross]

sirius taking a "is my boyfriend autistic" quiz on his pc at the kitchen table and james making tea behind him like "yeah i took that yesterday. your brother is autistic by the way"

[moondustinfj]

James: He hates me! Why does your uncle hate me Sirius??

Sirius: Oh...Because I told him you were the one who smoked pot in my room when I visited him in 5th year

James: WHAT??

Regulus *coming inside* : Hey, what's going on?

James: Sirius told Alphard that I smoked pot in Sirius' room in 5th year!

Regulus: What? Were you even there?

Sirius: ...I told him he flew out of the window

James: And why did he believe it?

Sirius: Because I told him what an excellent quidditch player you are :)

James: awwww :) you really-

Regulus: NO. Don't even start. Sirius, James and I are supposed to tell him that we live together TODAY and we can't do that if he hates James!

Sirius: Okay! Okay...I'll tell him.

(1 hour later)

Regulus: So. Did you tell him?

Sirius: Yeah about that. I was thinking of maybe writing him a letter-

Regulus: Okay you know what? You had your chance.

Regulus *goes up to Alphard*: Uncle. James didn't smoke pot in 5th year, Sirius did.

Sirius: YOU ARE SUCH A TATTLETALE!!

Alphard: Is this true Sirius?

Sirius: Yes..

Regulus: And uncle. Sirius was the one who melted your collection.

Sirius:

Sirius: REGULUS' ONLY FRIEND FOR YEARS WAS OUR HOUSE ELF

Regulus: *gasp*

Regulus: SIRIUS AND REMUS BROKE UP, GOT TOGETHER AND BROKE UP. AGAIN!

Sirius: REGULUS BECAME A DEATH EATER THEN WENT ON A SECRET MISSION TO FIND THE HORCRUXES. ON HIS OWN!

Regulus: SIRIUS IS GOING TO ASK REMUS TO MARRY HIM!

Remus: what

Sirius: YOU LITTLE- REGULUS AND JAMES ARE LIVING TOGETHER!!

Alphard: ....That is a lot of information to take in 30 seconds. I will have a word with both of you later. And James.

James:

Alphard: You have been Sirius' best friend for years, stuck by him through his drug problem

Sirius: Oh come on, it's not like he never-

Alphard: And now you've taken on Regulus as well. I don't know what to say. You're a wonderful human being.

James: Thank you, sir

Alphard: Please. Call me uncle.

James: Okay...uncle.

Remus:

Remus:

Remus: Okay so am I supposed to ignore the fact that-

[liv45no]

Ted: dating a Black is great.

James: so great!

Remus: the best!

Ted: but they tend to be a tad judgmental.

James: almost punitive.

Remus: they are monsters.

Ted: that’s why the three of us formed a secret alliance to help each other cover up our little mistakes :)

[yourgalgremlin]

REMUS: I spent most of 5th year in & out—

SIRIUS: of the hospital wing?

JAMES: of detention?

REGULUS: of Sirius?

REMUS: …of depression.

[immadeofdustandshadows]

Sirius, about the fight jegulus just had: so when you two fight, he makes you sleep on the couch?

James: no, it's even worse. He sleeps on the couch. So on top of being alone, I'm left feeling guilty that he has to sleep on the couch because of me and I'm up all night thinking about my actions.

Sirius: *thinking* I have to make sure that Remus never learns this.

Regulus: I slept like a baby.

Remus: *nodding* I see.

[spiritstar477]

Sirius: would you still love me if I was a worm?

Remus: baby, I’d make you a lovely little enclosure with all the dirt and compose you’d ever want. I’d hold you and take you places in my pocket and kiss you good night. I’d—. . .

vs

Remus: would you still love me if I was a worm?

Sirius: *thinks* yeah, I’d fuck a worm

Remus: *looks at the camera like in the office*

—————————————————————————————————————

James: would you still love me if I was a worm?

Regulus: it depends… were you always a worm or were you transfigured into one? The former, no, we’d never have met. The latter, then yes, and I’d figure out how to turn you back.

vs

Regulus: would you still love me if I was a worm?

James: yes !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

—————————————————————————————————————

Barty: would you still love me if I was a worm?

Evan: I’d cut you up so I could have a bunch of you

vs

Evan: would you still love me if I was a worm?

Barty: I’d cut you up so I could have a bunch of you

(bc they’re both batshit insane)

[moutainrusing]

Sirius: My kink is doing stupid shit and watching Remus speed-run the five stages of grief as he realises that he still wants to fuck me.

[honeylemonntea]

Remus: “They’re just so frustrating.”

Remus: “Regulus has been dropping obvious hints that he likes James and he still doesn’t get it!”

Sirius: *wearing a ‘PLEASE SNOG ME, MOONY’ hat* “Wow that’s crazy”

[child-of-icarus]

Regulus: Guys, I need to tell you something

Regulus: I’m in love with my brothers best friend

Barty: Your own brother? The one that was disowned??

Regulus: Not my brother, his best friend

Dorcas: Remus?

Regulus: That’s my brothers boyfriend. I’m in love with his best friend

Pandora: Lily!?

Regulus: No, that’s Remus’ best friend

Regulus: It’s James, I’m in love with James

Evan: Your brothers best friend!?

Regulus: [heavy sigh]

[outromoony]

James: umm... why is Sirius crying on the floor?

Regulus: he's drunk

James: ...aaand?

Regulus: he found out Remus has a boyfriend.

James:

James: but HE IS REMUS' BOYFRIEND

[propussyslayer]

Flight attendant: Please make sure all your small items are secured.

Sirius: Do you feel safe, buddy?

Regulus: I will murder you

[kingstarkingslay]

Barty: mfs be named “ James ” and it only be one dude

James :

[moondustinfj]

Regulus *running away from James* : I can't marry you YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR ME!!!

James *running after him* : WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??

Regulus: YOU'RE TOO NICE TO ME!!

James: I'LL BE LESS NICE!

Regulus: YOUR GIFTS ARE TOO SPECIFIC!

James: I'LL GET YOU A GIFT CARD??

Regulus: UGH!! *keeps sprinting away*

James *following him* : I'M SORRY! I NEVER MEANT TO NOT HURT YOU

Regulus *sobbing while running* : YOU'RE TOO EMOTIONALLY SUPPORTIVE!

James: WE'LL WORK ON THAT IN THERAPY!

Regulus: NO! I CAN'T DO IT... MY BROTHER LIKES YOU TOO MUCH!

James: FINE I'LL PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!!

Regulus: NO! NO..YOU'RE...YOU'RE TOO IN LOVE WITH ME!!

James: SO ARE YOU!

Regulus *stops and turns to him* : WHAT??

James:

Regulus: YOU'RE TOO COMMITTED TO ME!

James: FINE WE CAN BE POLY!

Regulus: WHAT?!?!

James: I MEAN YOU. YOU CAN BE POLY!

Regulus:

Regulus: FINE! *starts running again*

James *out of breath* : babe..wait..

Regulus: ARE YOU NOT RUNNING AFTER ME-

▪︎▪︎▪︎

Sirius *smirking* : I'm gonna show this to their firstborn

Remus: Padfoot put the camera down-

[moonyswarmsweaters]

Sirius: Is he crying? Is he crying?

James, on the phone with Peter: A little.

Sirius, snatching the phone from James : You should be WAILING, you stone-cold bitch!

Remus, walking in: What the hell is happening?

James: pads is making me call his friends and tell them he's dead to see how they react.

Remus:

Sirius : Now call Reggie.