#incorrect lupin

[giantkillerjack]

Lupin III, losing his patience with a particularly pompous mark: Jigen, we're gonna have to put the heist on hold for a minute; I gotta make a detour and fuck this guy's wife.

Bored unappreciated trophy wife, later that day: *answers the door*

Lupin: Hi I'm trying to rob your husband - wanna have sex?

Wife: 'kay.

joke inspired by this video at the 1:52 mark, although tbh it is a short video and it is absolutely worth watching the whole thing.

[faerycross]

sirius taking a "is my boyfriend autistic" quiz on his pc at the kitchen table and james making tea behind him like "yeah i took that yesterday. your brother is autistic by the way"

[that-bitch-kat3]

sirius: remus isn’t a hear me out because everybody wants to fuck him

james:

peter:

remus:

james: i do think that’s something you should look into on your own time

[rudamaruda520]

[on the phone]

Sirius: Where are you? Dinner is getting cold!

Remus: Waiting for the bus.

Sirius: Hurry up!

Remus: Ok, I'll be waiting faster, you cunt.

[axxio-sriracha]

Sirius: *irritated* Just because I can turn into a dog, does NOT mean I act like one.

James: *raises eyebrow* Oh, yeah?

James: *throws quill across the room* Hey Padfoot, go fetch.

Sirius: *actually fighting himself to hold still* I despise you.

Remus: Here, I got an idea.

Remus: *walks over and tips Sirius' chin up with his finger* Who's my good boy?

Sirius: *absolutley melts*

James: *reluctantly impressed* Get a fucking room.

[outromoony]

Sirius: I don't know how to tell all of you this, so I'm going to whisper it to James, who will inevitably shout it out in surprise.

Sirius: *whispers to James*

James: YOU'RE DATING MOONY?!

[percyweasleyapologist]

Remus: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.

Remus, playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.

[moonyswarmsweaters]

Remus: how did Reggie first came out to you?

Sirius: well there were always signs, but when he really did, he did it by giving me a bunch of blue cupcakes and a greeting card that said "it's a boy!"

Remus: That's cute

Sirius: It was NOT cute!

Sirius: I thought he was pregnant.

[moondustinfj]

James: He hates me! Why does your uncle hate me Sirius??

Sirius: Oh...Because I told him you were the one who smoked pot in my room when I visited him in 5th year

James: WHAT??

Regulus *coming inside* : Hey, what's going on?

James: Sirius told Alphard that I smoked pot in Sirius' room in 5th year!

Regulus: What? Were you even there?

Sirius: ...I told him he flew out of the window

James: And why did he believe it?

Sirius: Because I told him what an excellent quidditch player you are :)

James: awwww :) you really-

Regulus: NO. Don't even start. Sirius, James and I are supposed to tell him that we live together TODAY and we can't do that if he hates James!

Sirius: Okay! Okay...I'll tell him.

(1 hour later)

Regulus: So. Did you tell him?

Sirius: Yeah about that. I was thinking of maybe writing him a letter-

Regulus: Okay you know what? You had your chance.

Regulus *goes up to Alphard*: Uncle. James didn't smoke pot in 5th year, Sirius did.

Sirius: YOU ARE SUCH A TATTLETALE!!

Alphard: Is this true Sirius?

Sirius: Yes..

Regulus: And uncle. Sirius was the one who melted your collection.

Sirius:

Sirius: REGULUS' ONLY FRIEND FOR YEARS WAS OUR HOUSE ELF

Regulus: *gasp*

Regulus: SIRIUS AND REMUS BROKE UP, GOT TOGETHER AND BROKE UP. AGAIN!

Sirius: REGULUS BECAME A DEATH EATER THEN WENT ON A SECRET MISSION TO FIND THE HORCRUXES. ON HIS OWN!

Regulus: SIRIUS IS GOING TO ASK REMUS TO MARRY HIM!

Remus: what

Sirius: YOU LITTLE- REGULUS AND JAMES ARE LIVING TOGETHER!!

Alphard: ....That is a lot of information to take in 30 seconds. I will have a word with both of you later. And James.

James:

Alphard: You have been Sirius' best friend for years, stuck by him through his drug problem

Sirius: Oh come on, it's not like he never-

Alphard: And now you've taken on Regulus as well. I don't know what to say. You're a wonderful human being.

James: Thank you, sir

Alphard: Please. Call me uncle.

James: Okay...uncle.

Remus:

Remus:

Remus: Okay so am I supposed to ignore the fact that-

[saah4r]

remus/james: has anyone ever told you that they love you?

sirius/regulus: do parents count?

remus/james: yes

sirius/regulus: then no

[liv45no]

Ted: dating a Black is great.

James: so great!

Remus: the best!

Ted: but they tend to be a tad judgmental.

James: almost punitive.

Remus: they are monsters.

Ted: that’s why the three of us formed a secret alliance to help each other cover up our little mistakes :)

[yourgalgremlin]

REMUS: I spent most of 5th year in & out—

SIRIUS: of the hospital wing?

JAMES: of detention?

REGULUS: of Sirius?

REMUS: …of depression.

[child-of-icarus]

Lily, talking to the group: Don’t add to the population, don’t subtract from the population. Don’t drink if you’re underage, and don’t apprate if you’re drunk. Stay out of the morgue, the Profit, and Azkaban.

Sirius, whispering: Well there go our plans for the night

Remus: Which part?

James: All of it

[moutainrusing]

Sirius: My kink is doing stupid shit and watching Remus speed-run the five stages of grief as he realises that he still wants to fuck me.

[rudamaruda520]

Regulus: I get a feeling that the two of you will get along really well! *immediately leaves*

*Sirius and Barty sitting in visibly uncomfortable silence for a long while*

Sirius: Quidditch?

Barty: Nah...

Barty: Serial killers?

Sirius: Not really...

Sirius: Motorcycles?

Barty: Maybe...

Barty: um... mommy issues?

Sirius: Kinda?!

Sirius: hmm... pretending to be straight but actually very much gay and in love with a grumpy best friend?

Barty: Omg! We'll really get along well!

[pottermagiczz]

James: I need advice

Sirius: With what?

James: With love. How did you know you were in love with Remus?

Sirius: ...

Sirius: I'm in love with Remus?