#in a week- do i think im god? what the fuck is wrong with me-
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Pengu Finale Liveblog ahhhhhh
Julian just absolutely brain blasting this old woman
Oh Rex is close enough to call her doll and make her breakfast he is not beating the deadbeat daddy allegation
OH NO DOES SHE KNOW OH MY GOD SHE KNOWS
NEVERMIND I WAS SO WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING SHE HAS KNOWN ALL ALONG
holy shit holy shit holy shit
okay so they did find the bodies eventually holy fuck hooooooly fuck
oh my god rex literally teaching francis how to manipulate oz and use him oh my god ohhhhh my god this is so much more of a betrayal than if francis had just hated him for what he'd done
she knew all along she knew all along and she used him and she
she
oz was right ahahahahah every relationship in his life is fuckign transactional because he KILLED THE ONLY TWO BOYS WHO TRULY LOVED HIM, AND KILLED HIS MOTHER'S LOVE WITH THEM
dude he has to kill his mother now
this is a psychological nuke the likes of which i think sofia could not possibly have ever imagined.
Francis's FACE oh my god.
Julian baby boy maybe Sofia should stand out of sight to not break immersion
God this is absolutely not how hypnotism works is it
IT'LL BE EASIER NOW YOU LITTLE PSYCHO
"I see you in ways other people don't" while she is ACTIVELY USING HIM
dude. dude. I just. It's always the same with Oz, isn't it. Sofia, Eve, his mom. He's the biggest bullshitter in Gotham, and he's so full of it he doesn't have a clue how to sniff it out
God they are both so horrific to each other. Just his horrible cycle of selfishness and toxicity what a twisted family they are
HELLO VIC I MISSED YOU
Oh rip lmao I guess the gangs know the bliss is all gone
Vic baby he's saying all the same stuff oz does, only he believes it, so he can't bullshit people to his side
Oh hey that dude on the other side of the walkie talkie lived!!
Man Oz and Sofia haven't been face to face since ep 4 hahahaha
BERTO MENTION. she hasn't used that name in a hot second
Oh my god Sofia literally using that bird nest metaphor ahahahh whoever that anon was in my inbox you are a genius
Man. Sofia literally just laying out all their horrible family drama in the worlds worst family therapy oh my god
Dude I've been saying for weeks now that Sofia's superpower is to completely shatter people with the truth and. ohhhhhh my god ohhhhhh my god ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Wait. Is Sofia going to give that cigar cutter in her cleavage to Francis to use on Oz. I think she should give it to her.
Uh. Nevermind
Wow Sofia really is leaning into this evil therapy thing what the fuck. girl.
God i desperately want her to be the girl-jonkler running the aslume at the end of this show please please please
Also Sofia, I think it was the left. I mean I'm sure she knows just so she can do the other one next, but. man. she is fuckin sadistic. im love....
Julian so enthusiastic about all of this hahaahah
I love Sofia like, almost framing this to them or possibly herself as a gift she is giving to Francis. Is this cope? Is this something she sincerely believes? Or is she just being cruel?
I ALREADY FUCKIN KNOW
It's my finger you spineless prick hahahaahha but that doesn't matter to him because its your love he wants it's your adoration your pride and what actually happens to you? Doesn't fucking matter.
I NEVER STOPPED HATING YOU
Sofia's face right then like. damn dude. god i love her
She had enough love for all of them and he soured every last drop of it. For them, for him, for the world.
Sofia really does know the value of just letting a drama play out.
Francis saying Sofia is right this ep, Sofia saying Francis was right last ep, damn.
Oz really is... the only character in this show chronically incapable of learning
Damn mama cobb strong enough to smash a bottle. I don't think even i could do that.
Oh my god no wonder she said "they look at me like i'm not even theirs" because in her mind, she let their murderer go free
also is oz gonna hulk out that she's showing love to an imaginary jack and benny when oz has just seen her hate?
Oh is she just dying right now
Julian doing the get down mr president
MR DETECTIVE YOU DIPSHIT
Sofia baby you did great okay you already hurt Oz please just go to italy with your boy toy
Wow is he not getting this fucking stab looked at
EW EW EW EW
Yeah sure sure. Sofia stabbed you. Sure. Sure.
Oh noooo. Vic... baby.... he is such a believer in Oz's stupid self serving bullshit. He is so good. And pure. And he speaks from the heart and. And Oz acts like this is something Vic rehearsed
And they laugh about it but Vic doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that Oz isn't giving him advice on how to most effectively show people the fire you hold in your heart—he's teaching him the art of smoke and mirrors. how to con and grift and bullshit until even you don't know what's true and real
Christ. Vic is so fucking dead
She'd never look at me again unless i get this done.
Oz knowing now that this love is transactional. And fine. He'll make that transaction, he'll take down sofia and then maybe his mom will pretend again that she doesn't hate him, doesn't want him dead
it's not going to work, of course. it can't because this show is about him becoming the penguin. and it can't, because even that transaction was always a lie Francis told herself
I don't think she could ever have loved Oz even if he'd gotten her into a penthouse at age 20. I think she lied to herself to survive living with him, because what was the alternative? Losing all three of her boys?
AHAHAHAHAHAH SOFIA LITERALLY PICKING UP OZ'S GOLD SUMMIT MEMBERS i have to say. I did not anticipate this at ALL
damn girlie really is just gonna dip to go to italy or wherever
sofia really is just setting up the funniest game of capture the flag imaginable while cramming like seven olives in her mouth
i dont' say this often. i desire her carnally.
The gun in the glove compartment surely that will not come back later
Oz originally checking his image in the reflection of the car vs asking Vic now, treating this kid as his reflection
Damn. Is Link really going to fall for Oz's shit again after that truck of cigs thing? Or is this just a ploy to get Oz into the right place for Sofia to pick him up?
Actually maybe that's what loses Vic, that Link betrayed him, and Oz expected it. Idk we shall see
Penguin planning to run for mayor in a couple movies?
Oh Oz is totally gonna send sofia to arkham ahahaha poor baby
Oh my god I thought Sofia was gonna claim credit for Sal's death, not that Oz would give it up himself
I cannot tell you guys how fucking tempting it is to skip right to the end of this episode to see if i'm right you guys
Wow Oz really eyeing that Mayor's office
Is he going to kill Bella and frame Sofia. Is he gonna kill bella and THAT is what turns Vic on him.
oh my god LINK
HAHAHAH I WAS SO RIGHT SHE IS BURNING DOWN FALCONE MANOR
oh god that's the watch Sofia gave him for his birthday FUCK YOU CARMINE
Sofia really is gonna fucking screw over EVERYONE hahaha THREE CIGS BABY
oh god she is so hot i love her you self actualize through arson baybeeeeeeee
that shot of her throwing the cig like a dart is so much oh my god
babygirl i love you
you deserve the world
but yeah she is going into the cold according to the needle drop. definitely going back to arkham
... what's in the trunk. i don't think it's normal luggage. is it more bombs
there is still 20 mins left. i am afraid
This is clearly a trap for someone i just don't know who. Where is vic
I'm so afraid this is the last we get to see of Sofia.
She knows. She always has such a nose for bullshit lmao. Also fuck you Link you gotta know Oz is gonna stab you in the back.
I do think it's promising that Julian has not been seen all day tho. What is he doing.
I love this. I love that Oz and Sofia finally get this one moment to be truly honest with each other.
Well. At the very least, Oz gets to be honest with Sofia. idk that he knows how to be honest with himself anymore.
Why does this look like a chemical factory. I know it's not happening but it'd be so funny for Sofia to become the joker right now.
just dunk her in the goop
Man. Is he actually going to shoot her. Police pls come and save my girl. Cannot believe that's what I'm begging for now.
oh my god
yeah i called it but. Man. This is so painful to watch. also i think my julian prayers are not going to be answered it did not look like Sofia had planned any of this
okay i'm normal about sofia being arrested now.
Okay. I'm normal.
I'm back to not being normal francis and vic and oz all in one place this is all gonna blow up emotionally
Is francis in a coma. is she totally brain dead oh my god.
oh man she really is never going to say she loves him hahaha
she let jack and benny's murderer go and it never got her anything
is he gonna kill her now.
TELL ME YOU'RE PROUD OF ME oz you fuckin
he's so fucking delusional jesus putting her hand on his head
dude. is Vic actually gonna live through this episode
holy fuck
did not call that in the least
well. i was right about the pyrrhic victory for Oz
"All kinds of things" shut the fuck up.
God. I cannot believe Vic is living through this show. Admittedly as the kind of guy that his parents would have been ashamed of, but.
Wait. No no
don't
don't do it
no nondfonfodnfodnfodfn
please dont
pelase dont
oz don't you dare
nONONNNONONONONONONONONONONONO
PLEASE DOJNT DO IT NOW PLEAE
NO NO HE IS THEO NLY ONE WHO HAS SEEN THE WEAKNESS AND HUMAN IN YOU
OZ YOU
OZ
NO
WITH YOUR HANDS???? WITH YOUR FUCKIGN HANDS???? I THOUGHT HE WOUDL PULL A GUN AT LEAST YOU FUCKING
ODSOFANDFONSODNOSDAGNOGNIOAGDSASGJDISGNAGLNFGOSANFOSDO
SANO
NON NO NONONONO
VIC
vic. vic. vic barely lived a month longer than his family
all that good heart and he just. enabled a monster to rise to power. to make gotham worse
HE'S MUGGING HIM
YOU PIECE OF SHIT YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT YOU BASTARD YOU
i
i
and the water takes him too.
JULIAN
oH MY GOD I WAS RIGHT AHHAAHHAHAHA
JULIAN
I WAS RIGHT ABOUT SOFIA GETTING MARRIAGE PROPOSALS HAHAHAHAHAH
SELINA KYLE???????? HELLO??????????????
bro.... oh my god..... this is....
I'm so happy.........
sofia smiling... sofia finding a new family member....
nvm i am so glad my original theories were wrong this is way better than anything i could have hoped for
oh my god
ohhhhh my god he actually is keeping his mom in a vegetative state.... exactly what she begged him not to do.......
she knows.... she knows... some part of her is aware in there ahahahahah
you should have let Rex kill him all those years ago
oh my god EVE???? EVE GIRL GET OUT BEFORE HE KILLS YOU TOO
oh no please tell me he never learned what happened with sofia and eve
hes literally just calling her ma. fuck me. mayeb that means eve is safe for now
NOT THE BATSIGNAL
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ok so we’re at 4.5k. u know this is what hell looks like
#10 last-min interview transcriptions and 7.5k words to go- thats hell#in a week- do i think im god? what the fuck is wrong with me-#s.txt#thesis time
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🍷<3
#when i got hashtag sick i was in hospital and i was doing my regularly scheduled call with my dad#and i really had no plans of telling him bc ive done that before and its not like he can scare the MS away or anything#i dont know what happened. maybe because it was such a fucking bad episode. maybe because i was so tired. maybe it was a secret 3rd thing#but one minute was like fine then i just burst into tears and i was crying so hard which is MEGA EW BC IM NOT A CRIER LIKE THAT#and my dad freaked out and he was like whats wrong and i didnt wanna tell him but I also sounded insane bc i spontaneously started sobbing#and he was getting more alarmed and i was upset that id upset him and so i just spat it out i was like 'listen king'#'its no biggie but my body is trying to kill me again and im just a little sad atm' and he replied 'baba why wouldnt you tell me?'#and this man who has a very big serious job literally dropped everything and took a 20 hr flight over#and he genuinely just grabbed one of his work suitcase because he showed up with nothing but dress shirts and his laptop#and i think maybe it healed me a little. i mean it def also made me sad too but mostly healed me#and he'd been here for a couple of weeks and he left today and i feel shit about being sad about it#again because he has a very big and very serious job and i genuinely dont understand how he even just showed up like that#so I felt guilty throughout#anyway i dont think he drinks anymore but i was like king have a sip of wine with me and he did and it was lovely#and I hope I become my fathers daughter and not my mother's child. praying to both our gods#heres to healing ❤️🩹
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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so there's a trans woman who goes to the centre and everyone calls her by her birthname which she is like... fine with but only because she has no choice but to be fine about it. anyways I've known her for a while through a trans group before the centre so I asked her today if she'd rather I call her by her birthname or her chosen name and she said she prefers her chosen name but I can call her by her birthname if I want and oh my god I was about to cry for her bc god I really feel that whole situation fjdkdl, I just told her "no I WANT to call you by the name you prefer, that's why I'm asking, I want to make sure it's safe for you if I call you [preferred name]" and she seemed so grateful and I'm just :') eeurrgghh i hate how we have to be grateful with crumbs !!!
its just absolutely wild to me that she's presenting femininely and wears skirts and dresses and everything and uses her preferred name when she writes her name down on stuff and yet everyone at the centre calls her by her birthname and he/him pronouns. like. how are people so fucking rude and oblivious ??? she's even worn a she/her pronoun pin to the centre like.... people are so fucking stupid about trans people I stg.
idk I'm just hoping to make her feel a bit more comfortable and maybe if I start calling her by the right name and pronouns then everyone else will too eventually because I know she doesnt feel safe correcting people. I'm not going to make a big thing of it obviously bc I don't want to put her in danger but I will be using the correct name and pronouns now that I've double-checked with her about it, and if I start feeling like it's making things worse for her then I'll check in with her again at that point. I've honestly been stumbling trying to use he/him for her when I mention her to other ppl because she is just... she/her in my brain. it's what I know she wants to use so it feel fucking awful to use anything else !!!
#and my counselor said smth abt her that rly didnt sit right with me#but i was too scared to challenge her on it and ask what she meant by what she'd said#it might just be that this woman talks too much and will talk my ear off if i let her fjfkdl#and then i wont make friends if i just sit with her every day like i was doing the first couple weeks#but smth abt the way she said smth more like... ''getting sucked into all the stuff [she] has going on''#but said in a more... eugh way#idk it set off transphobia alarm bells in my head. ''ooh man wearing a dress who thinks he's a woman how crazy and perverted'' sort of vibe#I'm just... worried. that my counselor is transphobic lmao. I haven't talked abt any of my gender stuff w her#she can she/her me all she wants lol I don't talk about gender w mental health professionals ever after that initial exp a few yrs ago#I DONT KNOW THOUGH THIS IS JUST RLY MESSING WITH ME#LIKE WHY ARE PEOPLE BEING SO WILLFULLY OBLIVIOUS ???#its really fucking upsetting and I've been trying to not let it get to me too much but jesus fucking christ c'mon people 😭😭😭#im hoping i can maybe help change things for the better bc I'll be someone on her side#since she doesnt seem to have that there. god I've cried abt this a few times bc its just awful#and it rly reminds me a bit of my own situation where i just. grin and bear the misgendering and wrong name#except im a coward compared to her fjdksl i never mention my name or pronouns#i will say though that she has consistently misgendered me no matter how often I've reminded her of my pronouns fjdksl#but like... they/them is difficult. i get that. I can't hold it against her esp bc she's in her like 50s or smth#head in my hands. i wish life were kinder to all of us. i hope one day things can be easier#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#transphobia#transmisogyny#<- for blacklists. i uhhh hope this doesnt turn up in searches but oh well !!!
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Is that character gay? *points at Mine*
Allegedly.
#snap chats#depends on what day you check the wiki. schrodinger's homosexual#i couldnt FATHOM showing mine to my mom i know she'd be so annoying 😭😭😭#actually i cant even imagine what'd happen. 'is he gay' 'yeah' 'oh-' LIKE WHAT. WHAT NOW MOTHER WHAT HAVE YOU SAY TO THAT#like i think my mom asks that so much as a cope for my existence when i dont even like men mom As Per Usual mother you got it wrong#she's so weird because her. 'best work friend(? boss?)' is gay so she doesnt care about gay people she just doesnt like. me LMAO#but my moms selective hating aside i do wish i could show her characters i like#not because i want to bond with her but because it always seems funny when everyone else does it with their parents#but id just be too embarrassed ... or i can just imagine her saying like. every other chara is scary lookin. or ugly. liek my grandma did 💀#my sisters keep telling me to show her daigo since they think he looks like our dad and im always tempted to#god wait that just reminds me how when i did a daigo cosplay last year my dad saw me and he was like 'you're like a mini me :)'#like .... cmon dawg youre not helping LCKAEJLKCJAE love him. hope to see him again soon <- literally just saw him#wait while im rambling my dad came over and our 'uncle' (no actual relation just dad's friend) gave us. 12 fucking bottles of wine#when no one in this house drinks enough to warrant TWELVE BOTTLES ?? so funny. at least my sis and her husband drink#and i have one (1) friend who drinks LOL so thats cute. do i have any other unnecessary lore bits to drop before i disappear for a week#our ac broke and its been hot as balls. yeah thats it thats the end of it see you guys next week
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thinking about. endless abyss incident.
#falls over and coughs up blood#im incapable of being normal about any major scum villain plot point sorry#it makes me SO SAD#THINKING ABOUT THAT SCENE FROM BINGHE'S PERSPECTIVE???#no wonder he was so desperate for answers after that!!!!#he had NO idea why his shizun would act like that#the thing is like. binghe is very intelligent#i saw someone describe it as him always being smart enough to solve the mystery of the week#but like. that's in situations that he can solve#where he can put the pieces and clues together and draw the correct conclusions#but from his perspective. sqq is behaving completely irrationally#because he doesnt know about the system or the plot of the other story#so he's forced to come to conclusions with what evidence he does have even if it's limited or flawed#which then becomes emotionally fraught because he values sqq SO much#and yet is struggling to understand what he did wrong#why his shizun would do this to him#god. fuck. im gonna throw up
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ppl who like making friends solely with one-note cardboard boxes who will hang out with them when it's convenient and never open up about who they are as people and what their lives are like dni
#the salt just caught up with me and now im pissed#hi welcome to what i like to call a friendly reminder that hanging out with someone just because its convenient is kind of shitty#and a less friendly reminder that talking about yourself to connect with people is an autistic trait#and an even less friendly reminder that not telling someone if theyve done you wrong and then proceeding to blow up on them is ALSO SHITTY#ESPECIALLY. WHEN. THEY THINK. YOU'RE ON GOOD TERMS. BECAUSE YOU ACTED LIKE IT AND THEY CAN'T READ YOU.#IM REALLY FUCKING MAD#I THINK I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE.#the people who actually somewhat knew me and hung out with me and were on good terms with me think the same#so like BLEH MYEH :PPPPPPPPP#like okay youre entitled to your opinions but sometimes you need to keep those to yourself#did u see me insulting u to ur face#nope i have not done even once#and thats on getting better communication skills instead of lashing out at someone for trying to fit in with your own vibes#like yeah oversharing is my deal. anybody who sees me here knows that#i bond by being open with people about who i am and what i like in the hopes that theyll do the same#if u think im just around for gaming and making silly jokes u would be wrong.#but of course nobody told me people weren't there to bond like that which in my opinion shouldnt be on me#and once again i am outcasted over something honestly kind of fucking stupid#some of the jokes i made were stupid yes but thats solely because i severely misjudged the vibes#and checks notes oh yeah nobody pulled me up for it even once.#okay so let me get this straight you barely know me and have been making assumptions about me since day one#pretty much let me believe you liked me for two whole weeks instead of asking me about things or cutting me off#and im the one who gets treated like im in the wrong? okay#this miscommunication was not my fault in the slightest and i KNOW that#if you hadve just talked to me things would be fine but theyre NOT.#if you hadve just looked at my gosh darn profile and seen im the queerest fucker around making gay and homophobic type jokes maybe you woul#have had half the mind to ask me if i could stop making those jokes!!!!!!!!!#i am not transphobic!!!!!!! I AM TRANS!! I WAS MAKING A MOCKERY OF SOME TRANSPHOBIC CULTURE I HATE!!!!#i mightve vented on main ONE TIME under the guise of a silly joke but oh my god guess what?? that was an attempt to see if anybody related.#you never liked me in the first place dont lie to yourself
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oh i absolutely gave myself way too much of a workload this semester but holy shit i finally have like... about 80% of that orv changgwi animatic down in concept and i am. cartoon villain cackling
#asto speaks#when (yes WHEN not IF) i get it done its gonna hurt so bad#i mean i dont think it'll get done *soon* cuz god my workload this semester is. something#but if my math isnt wrong the webtoon is only gonna get to chapter 188 (where i plan to cover up to in the animatic) in like june so#ive got time?? kinda?? anyway i literally *cannot* stop thinking about this fucking idea so mark my words i will get it done#also yes its going to hurt me to make too because i havent ever done an animatic for a full song yet#changgwi is one of those songs thats kinda impossible to split up idk#also because my BEST ideas are at exactly the beginning and ending of the song. convenient.#the ending was like my one major concern when i first thought of this idea actually cuz the part of the song that#originally made me think of orv was that second (third?) verse of like the spirit telling the story of its own death that felt very yjh idk#but i just had. no idea what to do with the second half of the song#but then i read the novel and chapter 188 hit me in the back of the head with a baseball bat#and now that ending might be my favourite part of the whole project#>:)#big massive sorry to all my rwd mutuals btw i know there was a bit where i kept talking about making another rwd animatic#i do still have that sitting in my brain just cuz ive already animated a few segments of the song#i just dont reaaally have a full plan for the whole thing exactly so#by this point im just seeing if we get any DX-TR lore in s5 that might inspire me idk#project 2 electric boogaloo#stay tuned idk i have a bit of a proof of concept i plan to make this/next week#its funny actually cuz i got introduced to this song through an arknights animatic i saw on bb and i spent#honestly an embarrassing amount of time worrying if some of the ideas i have in my plan were just like. subconsciously stolen from that one#but i was like procrastinating schoolwork today and trying to plan out some stuff and just#went and looked up every changgwi animatic on bilibili i could find#and turns out the stuff i was worried id been stealing are honestly just like. common among *all* the stuff ive seen that use that song?#like cuz the official lyric video for the song is just so. stylistically *striking* a lot of genetic material from that just makes its way#into everything people make using that song like at this point the monochrome red colour scheme and like#ending on a backwards timelapse (?) through the vid is basically like scenes a faire for any changgwi animatic LMAO
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At what point do i stop bothering to differentiate between the panic and anxiety attacks when they just. meld into each other and seemingly feed off each other
#text post#i have been fighting my brain since i woke up bc like. I dont actually feel anxious?? abt work or anything else but#my brain has the WE ARE NOT SAFE DO NOT REST DO NOT BREATHE WRONG OR SO HELP YOU GOD neon sign flashing constantly today#All ive succeeded (lol) in doing is most of the dishes (couple need to soak) a failed filming and now#i would like a couple hours of Minecraft before work#but i am uncertain the brain will allow for it lmao#had to come back upstairs to my room after dishes bc brain just. freaking out. too open. too many windows.#anyway. apologies if im not as available as i intended to be today#good thing is thus far i don't work the upcoming week/weekend so i can catch up then#try and finish some drafts and talk to friends more and everything#im babbling in the tags willing myself to stop sweating and snap out of what i think is actually an anxiety attack but#no idea on what the trigger was since all i did was wake the fuck up#back to music to help and maybe Minecraft until work#thank u all for ur continued patience with me ❤️
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hm. i think i am going to stop going to counseling. he does not understand me. he pathologizes things that are not pathological.
#purrs#the premises of counseling / therapy are that you need to have boundaries and be self sufficient and fully healed. FUCK THAT! relationships#are not transactions. we are allowed to need each other. we are allowed to blur lines. we are human and messy. our thoughts and feelings ar#PRECIOUS. im not letting go of my thoughts they mean EVERYTHING to me they are the key to the WORLD. im not letting go of redacted why on#EARTH would i stop redacteding to redacted that is HELPFUL for me. i don’t CARE about the roots. who the fuck is it hurting????? NO ONE!!!!#the way he flat out told me he agrees with my mom. bitch im done forever. im done literaly forever. i don’t know how to tell him but im don#forever. maybe it’s just my id which is what he said to me LMFAO and like maybe i just don’t like being uncomfortable or facing hard truths#but i don’t fucking think it’s TRUE!!!!!!!!!! yeah i need to grow yeah i have unhealthy behaviors. but i don’t need to let go of the whole#THING bc of some arbitrary transactional concept of what relationships are supposed to be / mean. ive NEVER had a counselor try to uproot t#the whole damn thing like omg what is WRONG with you. i#im paying this man $25 a week to UNDERSTAND me and not ONCE have i felt understood by him. counselors can disagree with me but i literally#never feel like he is on my side. he’s adhering to conventional ideas about what parents are supposed to be and friends are supposed to be#and work is supposed to be etc etc. and so patronizingly said just enjoy being 23 you don’t wanna waste your 20s! FUCK YOU. i will not#regret anything even if it’s unusual. FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!#and also i know he probably watches back thru the recordings and has like his supervisor and professors watch them too which means that#there is a whole team of scientists + my family studying me in a lab and thinking im insane and finding ways to tell me. but fucking bold o#him to assume he can give me any meaningful valuable insight when he is actively checking his laptop / phone during our sessions and rarely#if eve gives me a chance to drive MY OWN CONVERSATION THAT IM PAYING FOR and is so phony abt being on the recording. like Omg. maybe im jus#grown out of it. it fucking SUCKS bc i actually have things i am not normal about and really need help with and i can’t actually get help f#from ppl whose job it is to fucking help me bc they think im not normal about things i PROMISEEEE i am normal about. and the way i effectiv#effectively told him that and he responded that he can’t take that credibly bc there’s no action behind it BY WHICH HE MEANS I HAVENT#STOPPED REDACTEDING TO ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT REDACTED IN MY WHOLE LIFE? THAT I HAVENT DECIDED IM DONE LEARNING SND GROWING AND CUT IT#OFF?????? DO YOU FUCKING HEAR YOURSELF. INSANE. the ANTITHESIS of human. we are MEANT TO BE CONNECTED. FUCK!!!!!!!!!#delete later#my old counselors challenged me and disagreed with me b it i never felt like they flat out were unwilling to meet me where i am and#compromise with me. is that not what counselors are supposed to do???? or have i just had bad counselors until now??? because im NORMAL. i#swear to fucking god. im normal. im literally normal and it is not doing ANYONE harm. what is wrong with you. GOD
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#listen. im just gonna rant abt something real dumb for a sec#the framing of missing 411 stories make me so annoyed. and if u dont kno. missing 411 stories are focused on ppl who went missing in#national parks or just out in nature with no real explanation. i dont even kno why i watch these videos they just make me mad#theyre not all bad but like mother fucker do u not kno how easy it is to get lost in thr fucking woods?#theyre like: this person was an experienced hiker. they wouldnt have just done X#like no. fuck off. it only takes one bad move. one bad day. one unexpected run in and boom that's it#its not that crazy???? its not magic or bigfoot. its ppl getting confused or disoriented and panicking#i mean. obvously not in every case but fucking im like 99% sure its not spooky stuff. its just easier than youd like to think to get lost#my little sister got lost in the woods when she was like 6. she took a wrong turn on a hiking path and walked so far my dad almost turned#back bc he thought she would never get that far but there she was. one tiny blip in a big big forest and she was on a path#its so so easy to miss one tiny point out there. this also goes for places out in the desert#like sure its flat. how could a person get lost in an open space? but no fuck u. ive gotten lost walking along a 50m flat transect#i looked up and for about a minute i wasnt where i thought i was. the heat and not drinking or eating enough can really mess with you head#ugh. i dunno. one of my lab mates has done more like serious outdoors stuff. like not going back to civilization for weeks doing field#work out in Colorado. and he says there is something weird about being alone out there. like some places have a call to them. a temptation#compelling you to do things u kno r bad ideas. but i also pressed him and it seems to come from a lack of othet ppl watching you#like a lack of socal constraint enables the temptation to make reckless choices. so like i dunno it sounds more like a human thing#than the supernatural but like what do i kno? anyway. missing 411 stories make me man#mad. god. there was one i watched where the guys were like. hm they seem to happen around weird places like swamps. or around bad weather#events. so maybe these places or events cause disappearances to happen. like fucking no! do u hear what ur saying?????#the disappearences occure around places that are objectively difficult to search under conditions that delay search effort????? is ur brain#broken? the bad conditions make it hard to find ppl so u find less ppl and theyre marked as missing. jesus christ#anyway. its baffling to me. but i keep watching thr videos. probably bc i have nightmares about running into wild animals out in the woods#so im searching for like. god what not to do if i get lost in the woods. when what i shoukd do is watch survival videos rip#unrelated#ugh. also ive done some work in a national park where u would think its super super hard to get lost but our fieldwork got delayed bc ppl#had to go do search and rescue and the person was dead by the time they were found. i dont kno the details but like its a thing that#happens. its not that crazy#not to mention all the dumb fucks who fall of the cliffs every year down where i grew up. every fucking year. it happened to one of our#neighbors. he was at the bottom of this cliff for a whole day and survived. i dunno bad things happen everyday. u r not immune
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Sometimes I think I must consume media wrong because I don't remember The Lottery by Shirley Jackson fucking me up
Like sure I read it and was like 'wait hang on, what- oh dear.' but I didn't have the 'Dude That Was So Fucked Up I Am Fundamentally Changed As A Person' experience everyone else apparently had
And that ain't a flex btw this ain't a "oh I can read the most fucked up stuff and feel NOTHING" kinda bullshit I just. Wasn't that deeply affected lmao
#but also i got a B in English Literature A Level so I must be doing somethin right lmao#smol speaks#im trying to think why it didnt really mess with me. it wasnt a 'shocking twist' it's Where The Story Went to me#then again i dont remember many specifics from when i was younger. hell i barely remember the last week. i do know we read it though#i dont remember what conclusions i reached or what we even discussed. however i CAN think of a story that did affect me as a kid:#Lola Rose by Jacqueline Wilson. I read it in primary school and have reread it multiple times. i felt such a connection with Lola Rose#she was so similar to me even though we also had differences (her fear and hatred of sharks vs my love of them) (though her fear made sense#i dont think ive ever empathized with a character so much. and that book introduced me to the concept of abusive parents i think.#the idea of a parent who didnt simply love you but sometimes went about it wrong or made mistakes. but one who *actively* hurt their family#rereading that book again as an adult is heartbreaking ESPECIALLY the 'Voice of Doom' sections which *holy fuck i relate to*. there's such#dread and fear in that book but luckily there is hope and joy!! but God above the shit that girl deals with. anyway maybe reading a story#about a weird festival that ends with a stoning doesnt hit as hard when youve read about a girl seeing the bruises on her mother's chest#in the bath and having to tell her 5 year old brother they ran away from Dad because he hurt Mum and his response is 'but she deserves it'#abuse mention#better tag that huh. yeah sorry i put half the post in the tags again GOD i should make an actual Lola Rose post
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#about to rant so ignore me#but like#okay. i have gotten over my assigned professor being changed. its okay. if she says this is better i trust her decision#and the forgetting to tell me and my new professor not having understood he had to read my stuff now is just an unfortunate accident#it happens. im unlucky like that i should be used to it#but now i still havent gotten even a single 'read' or whatever like they do with all my other classmates#if i go to class tomorrow just to find out no one still hasnt read what i have been working on for the last 5 weeks im#im going to explode#i already feel like shit for not meeting my self imposed goals#and its not like they could forget i have had no revisions BECAUSE I REMINDED THEM AGAIN TO PLEASE CHECK THEM OUT ON THE EMAIL I SENT#im just. so desmotivated#im already having the shittiest fucking weeks. maybe months. trying to get myself to work and do stuff#and this makes me feel like im that forgettable or that im gonna get hit with a 'change EVERYTHING' in the worst last possible moment#im so tired my intentions are good please someone for the love of god remember IM HEREEEEEEE#nothing is enjoyable i have no energy i just want to sleep everyday!!!!!!! i feel like im a burden and a bore to anyone!!!!!!!#im not wanted anywhere!!!!!! im fucking painted in here!!!!!#i have begun to talk about stuff unrelated to what i was originally saying 🙃 but oh well#its too much too many things all at the same time#i just want one fucking time where im not forgotten by literally everyone and made feel like a last fucking choice i want good things!!!!!#and im so tired of coming to terms with me never being anything to anyone just for someone to come and make me think maybe im wrong#just for everything to go to shit again!!!!!!!#i want to scream and take space and say how mad i am no more fucking 'dont worry its okay' 'sorry' no fuck off!!!!!!! SCREAM!!!!!#haunted.txt
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god im so mad at myself rn. i have multiple assignments and i SHOULD be doing them or sleeping or doing the Massive Neglected Amount Of College Stuff or making my mom's bday present (it's tomorrow, haven't started). you wanna know what i did instead? you wanna know what I've been sitting on the floor doing for the past hour and a half?
i (non-polish speaker but interested in the concept of being one) decided I'm gonna learn all the words to hej sokoły. yeah the folk song. this is not the first time this has happened with this song either. I'm so mad what the fuck is happening. i would still like to kiss whoever made the word skowroneczku on the mouth with tongue bc it's the best vocal stim but fuck off othwrwise you're ruining my LIFEEE
#aaaaaaaaararararrragghgghggg ok#this is so stupid#and like. GOD#dude what the hell#im biting back so many 'what the hell is wrong with me's bc the answer is probably some flavor of unaddressed neurodivergency#but that doesnt mean i have to be happy about it when it's making me do dumb shit#ruining my life because of a fucking 19th century war song im gonna shit bricks#it's a banger but it's not worth this cmon brain work with me here#yes i had a 3 week polish duolingo obsession that i dropped a while back and yes that's why my name on here is mysz#gotta get the nuances of all the zh esque sounds down though bc theres so fucking many in polish wth#czie and dzie and cz and cie and sie and zie and że so on and they all sound very slightly different in ways that are probably important#anyway this is all very frustrating and im probably not even gonna fo any of those things#this was the last straw in a series of penis ridiculous distractions and bad choices of the evening#same energy as my maud feelings but I Need To Go Now Please Let Me Go etc#and i literally know im gonna go do another round at least just to see what ive maintained just in case yk one cant hurt right#and then thatll be the next hour too#hell hell hell#thats the kicker too is i dont think itll stick with me#i mean ive remembered the chorus for months but thats different#AAAAA IM DOING IT AGAIN#FUCK
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fuck valentine's. it's sweet fat of the hog tuesday, bitch
#ITS NOT LIKE THAT#shitpost#reblog#god i hate valentine's#im like. very alone#rant under these tags#so stop reading if you dont wanna read a rant#god i feel so bad#im ending something#but i think its the right thing to do#because im a minor#and theyre 5 years older than i am#and its just#that sounds awful i know#but theyre just really immature#but i feel like im like every shitty stereotype of an abusive relationship#but theyre genuinely not a bad person theyre just#idk#idont fukcing know#i just hate everyhting#everything else in my life is coming crashing fucking down#i hate everything#im so stressed and im so tired and fucking sore and i just wanna sleep forever#but i havent slept in fucking weeks#i feel like im suffocating#i thought i was gonna pass out all day today#what is wrong with me#if anyone read all of that#kind words in the dms would be appreciated. love you all. no pressure too btw
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