#im worthy of never having intrusive thoughts

[safesthaveninexistence]

My feelings of worthiness runs unsurpassablyprofoundly deep it immessurably surpasses unsurpassablyprofoundly by over 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999♾️ of antonellamania number of times

[bellows-boy]

btw stop demonizing every mental disorder thats not like,,, mild social anxiety . if thats where your support ends then its not really support

anyway heres some positivity for my mentally ill folks ❤️

plain text: anyway heres some positivity for my mentally ill folks ❤️

a lot of text under the cut

if you have ocd i love you and i hope you have an amazing day

if you have hoarding ocd youre so amazing and just remember it doesn't make you gross

if you have pocd just remember that i know you would never hurt a child, you are worthy of love and you deserve to be able to seek help or talk to people about your condition without getting shamed.

remember you are not your intrusive thoughts, even if they say terrible things that does not mean you're a terrible person

if you have low or no empathy you are still an amazing person and a lack of empathy does not mean a lack of care, im sure you care about those you love in your own way and you deserve to be cared about in return. hell even if you don't care or find it hard to care about people you still deserve to be cared about and treated well because youre still a person and youre a good person despite what people might say.

mid or high support needs autistics i know a lot of the autism communities online are mostly low support needs autistics but you are still as much a part of the community as they are, its okay to need more help or accomodations than other people around you. accommodations are amazing and not at all something to be ashamed of.

you have a learning disability ? that's totally fine, our education system is made to fit a very specific niche of people and if you're not a part of that neiche that does not mean you're stupid, you're smart in your own ways and you can do amazing things.

you have a cluster b disorder ? that does not make you an abuser, you are not defined by the actions of a bad person with the same disorder, your disorder does not make you a bad person. your morals and actions are not determined by a disorder and people who say that are uneducated.

whatever youre struggling with remember that you are loved, there are people who care about you, and you are not defined by your struggles <3

[prettiestbabydoll]

💒🎀ˢⁱᵐᵘˡᵗᵃⁿᵉᵒᵘˢ𝗌𝖾𝗋𝖺𝗍𝗈𝗇𝗂𝗇 𝖻𝗈𝗈𝗌𝗍💉

𝑏𝑒𝑛𝑒𝑓𝑖𝑡𝑠 🍓

-affects of any disorder or mental illness diminish. {{i am bettering myself and mental health every day. i see imense progress in my healing. i am alot happier! i am free from unnecessary anxieties paranoia and worries.

-affs such as, {I am enough. I have enough, Money comes frequently and easily to me.I trust my inner guidance and follow it. I accept my emotions and let them move through me.I take care of myself, mind, body, and spirituality.

-my mental health is the best its been! i am focusing on me, and my mental. im finding the roots of my traumas and healing. i find the strength to overcome my fear anxiety and traumas. I am are worthy.

-{My depression does not define me. 
I am not my thoughts. I will get through this time of my life. I have the ability to overcome anxiety.I am freeing myself from stress.I am free of anything that weighs me down.I am relaxing each part of my body.I am now in control.My body is calm.I am in control.My life revolves around tranquility.Every cell in my body has a positive vibration.There is always a solution.}}

-you partake daily in self care, you do things that make you happy, your mindset is so advanced when thinking negative catch you yourself and flip it to something positive. you make ways towards your goals. you focus on being positive, acknowledge the negative, let yourself feel it for a couple minutes; then simply move on, there is only room for positivity in your life.you work on healing your traumas and working past your fears.

-you release all negative obsessive intrusive thoughts you are immune to all that negative energy you are in complete control of your mind. you always feel so safe and protected at all times because you are!! you are divinely protected at all times.

-your mind is at ease you are finding your peace you love spending time with yourself you never feel lonely ever you are immune to a negative mindset.

-you are immune to low moods for long periods this sub helps stabilize your mood and enhance the seratonin in ur body

-you are completely immune to depression you are completely immune to anxiety you are immune from any mental illness of your choice symptoms of any mental illness has significantly decreased if not, diminished simultaneously after listening to this subliminal.

-this subliminal is like a peace calming serum for your anxiety!! this subliminal has the affect of every single individual essential oil benefit. you have the affect of being completely cleansed once you listen to this subliminal you rarely have anxiety any more you are a lot more confident at speaking with anyone you make conversation sooo easily.

-you are immune to any negative energy you are only surrounded by positive energy at all times.

[queenshelby]

Time for Change – Part Six

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader Words: 680  Notes: Not based on Cillian’s life. This is fiction guys! Also, the next few parts will be short but frequent!

As the bathroom door opened, you quickly pulled up your panties and stood up, surprised about the intrusion.

‘Fuck, I am sorry’ James said, rubbing his eyes, only seeing Cillian initially until he turned around and saw you.

‘Y/N was just after towel’ Cillian explained as, somewhat unbothered, James grabbed the roll of toilet paper hanging up besides the toilet.

‘Yes, I was going to have a shower and, there were no clean towels because…’ you went on to explain as you crossed your legs, feeling Cillian’s cum drip from you and into your cotton panties.

‘Y/N, I don’t care. I am fucking sick’ James huffed out before disappearing. He was in no way able to process what had just happened and you were glad for it.

Cillian couldn’t help but laugh before telling you what he thought of your husband.

‘He is a jerk, you know that right?’ Cillian chuckled, causing you to laugh and nod.

‘I told him yesterday morning that I want a divorce. We are working on it’ you said, caressing Cillian’s face before kissing him again.

‘Please tell me that this is not because of me Y/N. I never intended to break up your family’ Cillian said, knowing that you have been having problems with James for a while. Nonetheless he wanted to ensure that you didn’t see him as a home wrecker.

‘No Cillian. It was long overdue. In fact, I saw a lawyer even before we slept with each other’ you explained.

‘Please know that I don’t expect you to do anything when it comes to your marriage with Danielle though. I am in love with you but I do not want you to leave your family for me. I am by no means ready to start anything new until everything with James has been finalised. I don’t want another relationship at this point in time’ you went on to say before giving Cillian a hug.

‘Don’t worry, neither do I. I know that I need to end my marriage though. I’ve known this for the past two years. As for us, we just take things as they come, eh?’ he asked and you nodded in agreement before giving him a final kiss goodnight.

***

The following morning, Danielle had prepared breakfast and both you and Cillian sat on the breakfast table in silence while James was still asleep.

Just as Danielle poured a coffee for you, an overwhelming sense of nausea overcame you again. The smell of the coffee made you sick and you didn’t know how to react.

Trying to hold back your urge to throw up, you sat there quietly and turned pale until, eventually, you had to leave the room and make your way to the nearest lavatory.

‘She didn’t have that much to drink, did she?’ Danielle asked Cillian who, by that point, was in a mind of his own.

He knew he needed to talk to Danielle about where their marriage was going now that their children weren’t home, but he needed you and James to leave first.

After you returned from the bathroom, wiping your mouth and apologising to Danielle and Cillian, you decided to wake up James. You told him that you needed to go home. He was angry and frustrated that you woke him up but complied with your request nonetheless.

***

‘At last, we have the house to ourselves. So, is there something you want to do?’ Danielle asked, hinting at Cillian.

‘Yes, Danielle, we need talk!’ he said with a serious face.

Tag List:

@lilymurphy03 @deefigs @theflamecrystal @desperate-and-broken @weepingstudentfishhorse @livinginfantaxy @rosey1981 @atomicsoulcollecto @peakyboyslover @nerdy4itall@elenavampire21 @hanster1998@mariapaiva13 @fairypitou @harry-is-my-sunflower @zozeebo @lauren-raines-x @kasaikawa @littlewierdalien @sad-huffle-nerd @theflamecrystal @peakymalfoyscullymulder @themissthang@0ghostwriter0 @stylescanbeatmyback @1-800-peakyblinders @datewithgianni @momoneymolife @ntmynouis @lilymurphy03 @mcntsee@cloudofdisney@missymurphy1985 @peakymalfoyscullymulder @otterly-fey @janelongxox @uchihacumdump @basiclassy @being-worthy @chaotic-bean-of-smolness @margoo0 @chocolatehalo @vhscillian @ysmmsy @littlewierdalien @crazymar15  @stickyknightflowerbailiff @im-constantly-fangirling @goldensunflowe-r  @tellingyouastory  @captivatedbycillianmurphy​  @namelesslosers​  @littlewhiterose​  @ttzamara​  @ttzamara @cilleveryone  ​

@peaky-cillian​

@severewobblerlightdragon​  @ysmmsy​  

Cannot Tag (please check your settings):

@l0tsofpennies @trolleydolly @avonlady1985 @chrisevanshoeee @daydreamingnymph @fookingshelby  @thenattitude

[myteddyna19]

Worthy I Thought.. I think what is bothering me the most is realizing how little I truly know about you. How, so easily, I chose to reject my own judgment and senses that keep me. I inserted the almost seamless cloak of flaws and traits and interests you began to provide. Hindsight is as hindsight does- I accepted this forgery of Self, and I have continued to until I could no longer pretend the veil you provid IS your truth.

I, still, this very second want to pretend that what you offer as Self and what I see and feel in and of you are the same. My justification for blatant ignorance is two fold. One, it was obvious that like me, you needed that particular skin of yours to be. For sanity and serenities sake. I know this particular way of walking all too well. Two, in all honesty it was easier to allow myself to take the veil of skin you offer, and with respect, I treated it as truth rather than understanding the who, what, when, where and why of someone other than myself. You were not offering any other verison.

I wouldnt say it was laziness that fostered the ingorance necessary on my part. My own situational folds in the fabric of my Self are complex, deeply dark and stress riddled. This, keeps me well stocked in answerless riddles, puzzling pieces and dank rabbitted pockets of inky blackness in need of exploration within the heaviness of this drapery I call my own. I keep busy. Me, Myself and I were then and still now, enough for outright boredom to find no room for occupancy within me.

There we were, all three of us bedraggled and exhausted in our own separate ways, standing in a dingy, litter strewn lot of an Indian owned convenience store. Dark settling around us with certain familiarity. There was a hiss and pop of the parking lot floodlights coming on. The light closest to us flickered off and on frantically as if someone, or thing, was sending out a desperate SOS through its wires for help that may never come.

Belief is more powerful than those with the knowledge of Self will admit to. For excellent, timeless reasons. And well, those without that knowledge aren't missing anything. All is as it should be.

I had no idea who you were. Not then. I know now, that what was the solidity of character portayed is not your Self. Ivknow less of you now than in the beginning. I cant breathe. The carbon dioxide digs into my lungs cells REFUSING to be exhaled. This hot burning sensation floods my chest and the tears run. I can no longer see anything but blurry salted water. Im choking on the truth cannot see.

Nothing anyone has offered, speakibg of you is accurate. Not the mundane, daily grind infomation of bosses or coworkers Not the infamous reputation that precedes you damn near every where in our travels together. No. Not even the list of character facets people who've known you for, well, forever NOT EVEN them can attle off if asked about your nature. You. But they speak of not you, too.

You. Not you. How was I supposed to understand this? After this much time has passed inveach others presence. Every. Single. Day. For nineteen months. No. NO. .... Im choking on my breath . My heart is bruising my organs pounding. Erratic and painfully shooting tention up to my neck every time i attept to try to wrap my mind around the ugly silenced separation of your self from your Self. Curdled something rises in my esophagus wanting to be ejected violently through my lips. My stomache is doing to my lunch what my brain wishes it could do to the unavoidsble intrusion of fact. I. I.... But... then question begin to form and this silent dance of partnership between us is no longer in step. Faltering and jerky are the motions becoming created from us now. I am..... I just... my chest aches. The veil you gave of you, is waiting to be tossed aside. The angered dormancy of refusal to shed this yourself stares at me with boredom and disgust. The happy blind trust I held for your word turns into humiliating shame I cannot shed. I realize I am expected to finish breaking down the facade of us on my own. I am expected to pull the rest of your rotted and lie ridden veneer away. You simply cannot be bothered. Shame falls quicky from my psyche and cold anger slides in and stares back at you with calculated withdrawal.

No. I dont fucking think so.

From the very beginning of us, that Friday evening when we ran into each other in a gas station parking lot through a mutual friend i knew then what I was seeing. Standing before me was a thin, lanky creature with georgous green eyes and a crooked smile that told me more than all of your words spoken (and they were charismatic and hypnotizing to a into my ear totaled up to this very moment, almost two years later. Yes I knew the of folded layers of complexity standing before me. It was suprisingly familiar. So familiar in fact it seemed to be a setup. There was no way i was being introduced to another with a soul of the same thickened fabric as my own. No. Not here. Most DEFINITELY a trap. Of what sort, or whose... details I could fixate on later.

[trivia-bangtan]

after (jjk) - 005

pairing: patient!oc x patient!jungkook

genre: friends to lovers au, kinda a hazel and gus trope, | lots of angst, fluff and suggestive themes

warning: this chapter gets extremely dark 😭 (nothing new lol)

authors note: omfg im so sorry it’s taken me so long to post 😩 the schedule might change from now on bc my schedule changed 😅 but hope u guys enjoy it 😩😩

there's a phobia called agoraphobia. it’s basically the fear of places and situations that can cause panic, helplessness and/or embarrassment. usually, i can deal with it. but things like cringe worthy scenes and overly cheesy romance is unavoidable.

especially being friends with jeon jungkook.

i knew better than to hand out my phone number to just anyone, but i thought maybe jungkook would be so busy with his own life, he would leave me alone.

for his parents' sake, i hope he had unlimited talk and text for his plan. the boy texted me first thing in the morning and every hour or so. he would call me at night, sometimes even facetime me, just before he went to bed. and even when we would hang up, he would still text me goodnight.

the only other person i would talk to everyday, other than my parents, is hoseok. hoseok was my older cousin, but one of my closest friends as well. but even hoseok gave a break during the day to allow some “me time” for the both of us.

jungkook was relentless. he would always text me “good morning sunshine” and then text me “good night my moon”. what the hell even was that?

as much as it was annoying, it was endearing in a sense. i guess it was nice to have someone other than family constantly checking up on me. but some part of me couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of what namjoon had said and if he felt obligated to have to talk to me.

i knew jungkook wasn’t like that. but a small part of me couldn’t help but convince myself that it could be true.

“so the guy texts you all the time? it’s not a big deal,” hoseok said, sitting across the island in his kitchen. i stuck my fork into my bowl of fruit, impaling a small blueberry in the process.

“i mean, it’s not but it’s weird. hobi, i’ve never had someone crave to talk to me so often. and i swear it has to be because of what our counselor said,” i mumble.

the thing about hoseok is he has an aura that gets you to spill all emotions. much like jungkook. but the difference between the two of them in my life is that i’ve known hoseok a lot longer and can confirm he can keep his mouth shut.

“well contrary to your belief, you’re a decent person to have around,” he shrugs, giving a strawberry in his mouth. i snort at his comment and roll my eyes.

“wow, what a compliment. it’s a wonder you’re single,” i chuckle, shoveling the fork full of blueberries into my mouth.

“i’m single by choice. what about you?” hoseok smirks, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” i asked, laughing at his expression.

“what?”

“the whole thing?” i respond, laying my fork down onto the counter, leaning onto it with my elbows, forearms flat as i folded my hands.

“i’m single because i choose to be. i prefer comforting solitude than forced company,” he shrugs, continuing to shovel fruit into his mouth.

“forced company?” i ask.

“yeah. like, just because we’re together, they feel obligated to HAVE to hang out with me or invite me everywhere when, in reality, i don’t give a damn. i mean, you know me. we both value our solitude and respect that. but it’s hard to find someone that understands that. and then i’m the bad guy for wanting alone time when really, it’s a mental health break,” hoseok explains, his eyes locked onto the bowl in front of him.

his statement surprised me. he was always such a people oriented person. as kids, he was the first to make friends between us and always such an extrovert. it kind of hurt to know eventually his whole personality switched. but maybe being so wrapped up in my world and in my own issues, i failed to acknowledge the people around me.

the atmosphere changed after that. almost as if there was a sad reminisce in the air.

“do you think you’re forced to keep me company?” i blurted. i couldn’t deny, the thought crossed my mind multiple times before. was everyone around me just babysitting to make sure i didn’t hurt myself?

i couldn’t tell. i knew asking would be dumb. hoseok would never tell me the truth. he’s usually a pretty blunt and up front guy, but he would never outright hurt my feelings. which saddened me even more. would he willingly lie to comfort me? knowing what i knew?

“do you think i am?”

“yeah,” i honestly admitted. we both sat in silence, taking in my answer.

it wasn’t a lie. like i said, the thought had crossed my mind. every time he placed his phone down on the table to force himself to give me his attention. the way he seemingly dropped everything immediately if i asked him to hang out with me or pick me up some place. how i never heard of him being with friends.

the more i sat there, the more i threw myself into overdrive, thinking until my head started to pound from overthinking.

“well, you’re wrong,” he sighed. my eyes flitted up to gaze at his face. he looked sullen, almost like my answer had upset him. i released a silent huff through my nose, smirking in the process.

“you don’t have to protect me,” i murmured quietly.

“my mom called me. she begged me to come home one day. i didn’t understand it at first, but she's my mom. i did as i was told. when i got home, she didn’t say anything, just told me to get in the car. i remember thinking to myself ‘what’s got her feeling this way? why is she being ominous with her actions?’ the whole drive, she said nothing,” hoseok said, a distant look in his eyes.

“she ended up pulling over at some park. it was late, so i didn’t recognize it at first. but then i realized what park it was. it was the park we went to as kids. and, again, i kept wondering to myself why she was being enigmatic with her actions. and then she spoke. she said six words and then didn’t speak the rest of the week,” he said, his voice shaken with sadness.

“what did she say?” i asked softly, my voice a mere whisper. hoseok looked up at me, his eyes glazed red.

“your cousin tried to kill herself.”

i felt like the air had come out of my lungs.

it’s funny, people like to talk about your attempts, but nobody ever tells you where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news. nobody tells you the pain they feel or the hurt. the anger or the betrayal. they pretend like what they felt didn’t happen to convince themselves it wasn’t real and they could move on. because it didn’t work and you’re alive.

but hearing hoseok tell me about his experience, it stirred something in my heart and i hadn’t felt in a long time.

regret.

“she didn’t even mention if you survived or if you were okay. that’s all she said. and because she was crying, i assumed the worst. i had assumed you died. and it felt like everything in me… stopped working. like, i forgot what it was like to not have you by my side. every… every memory, every laugh. every inside joke. it was like a corny ass film playing at 2x speed in front of me. my mind kept telling itself this can’t be real. she wouldn’t do that to me’. but the longer we sat there and the harder she cried, i couldn’t take it. i jumped out of the car and just started running. i didn’t know where i was going but i just had to run because the car was so suffocating, i thought i was gonna pass out. and i kept asking myself ‘why her? why couldn’t she just talk to me? why didn’t she tell me she was hurting? does she know how much i love her and that i would do anything to keep her here?’ and then i was pissed because i thought you had abandoned me. that you didn’t care about me or your parents or my mom. but then… once i stopped running… i felt bad for you. because i could never imagine the amount of loneliness you must’ve felt thinking the only way to solve this was to end it all,” he said through his compendious recount of that night. i could feel the hurt and regret make its rounds in my heart, forcing my body to follow. it physically ached to hear hobi recall every moment of that night. “i’m sorry,” i cried out, crying into my hands.

“that’s why i hang out with you. that’s why i talk to you. because i don’t want you to feel that kind of loneliness ever again,” he admitted, sniffling. the hurt and regret only further festered and made me cry over hard to the point where i felt like i couldn’t breathe. hoseok stood from his spot, making his way around the island. he stood in front of me, pulling me into his chest, my arms wrapping around his waist. i hadn’t hugged anyone in years, and the amount of care and love hoseok had emitted through his hug made me cry even more.

“and that’s why i’m so glad you have jungkook. because when i can’t be there, at least he is,” he explained, rubbing small circles in my back.

though my doubt was still heavy, and i felt as if he had an ulterior motive, hoseok’s words comforted me in a way.

jungkook had been nothing but kind, never intrusive or inquisitive about my history or my feelings. he spoke to me because he wanted me to know that he cared.

and for the first time in forever, i felt something else too.

hope.

[polyamoryfacts]

Hi! Hope ur doing okay today. Im feelibg very lost and other things tbh. For context, im in a gay relationship of 3+ years and i love my girlfriend very much and i know she loves me back. We have been through a lot and i cant think of anyone else to be with & vice versa. As of a year back, she met someone at our school through a dnd club and started a friendship. Shes very happy with them as a friend, but as of a week ago, has told me that she is starting to consider them as more. Ive also gotten to know this person a bit better, but they are still a stranger to me and im working to getting to know them better. Im really happy that our relationship is on a level where she trusts me to tell me these things and that shes wanting my input in this confusing time on figuring out if this is just frienship love or more. At first, i kind of knew that this was gonna happen bc i have a knack for predicting the future, and it did help prepare me for this moment, but im struggling to be supportive. Im feeling very angry, sad, moody, & wanting to isolate myself. i expected to be monogomous, but i realize that wont happen. I can say i just want to be exclusive, but in the end ik the desire to develop these feelings and be in that relationship will be there, and id rather just know it’s happening than behind my back. Ik that im enough as a partner, and there are things that ill never be able to provide like that person does, but i rly cant help but feel inferior or that this person is my rival when its rly not. It also doesnt help that my intrusive thoughts make me feel volatile when thinking of them being sexual together, but im rly just getting ahead of myself, its just my personal projections, and its not my business to meddle in either. I rly wanna be more educated and open minded to the idea of being poly bc the more people that love her besides me is a great reminder that she is worthy of love and happiness in her rough life shes had. But idk what good resources to look for to explore this idea and how to cope with these feelings other than just feeling them or looking into therapy soon bc a lot of my personal issues are coming into play with my views/feelings. Ik i have to break free from the idea of traditional monogamy, but its been hard, anything would help. Thank you!

Yours was one of the posts that prompted me to finally put up a list of resources. It does sound like you have already done a lot of work, though, and are better equipped to go into this than most. Examine what your jealousy actually is. Is it fear? Fear of what, precisely?

And yeah, therapy tends to help most people once they find the right provider.

Good luck on your journey!

[hergan416]

For the Chocolate / Kisses prompt in the MF Discord server

Written in the YGO/One Piece Crossover universe created for Seek and Ye Shall Find.

While the main fic is rated M, the work below is rated T. 

I ended up just giving up and deciding to post it. Sorry for any mistakes that still exist. Hopefully Japan is accurate enough--as a dumb white American I know nothing except what google, and a very nice person from the Yugioh mini-exchange discord server, have told me.

(I reserve the right to edit this before I add any of it to the main story).

Katakuri stood in front of the proffered address, passed from Pegasus’ hands to his own, warily. His presence no longer seemed to be jail-worthy, as he’d been released, but he was sure that it had something to do with the influence of the white haired man and the conversation they had had.

He could see into the window of the bedroom above the shop from his full height, the bright red lettering reading “Kame Game” above the shop’s door passing his chest like a t-shirt slogan. A small man sat on a bed, zoned out in front of one of the square boxes he'd learned to call TVs, a corded remote in his hands. His face screwed together closely in concentration, and his whole body moved as he pushed the buttons on the controller.

Katakuri crouched, feeling intrusive. The glass panes on the store's doorframe revealed an equally miniscule shop interior. Katakuri would never fit inside, even if he could make it past the front door. He raised a hand to knock twice on the glass, rattling the frame a bit, despite the fact he'd attempted to be gentle.

The noise attracted the attention of the shopkeeper behind the counter. The short, graying man glanced up, widening his eyes in shock. He paced slowly towards the door, pushing it open hesitantly. 

“May I help you?” he asked.

“I’m looking for Yugi,” Katakuri stated, glancing down at the short man, who was still nearly half Kakauri’s stature when he bent in two like this. “Is that you?”

��Oh no,” the man chuckled fondly. “That’s my grandson. I’ll get him for you.” The man glanced up at Katakuri curiously, but made no comment as he turned back inside the store. Katakuri watched him shuffle to the back of the shop to open a door, yelling up the stairs behind it. 

Momentarily, the short man from the bedroom bolted down the stairs past his grandfather, glancing out the shop door with a confused expression. As soon as he saw Katakuri, however, some understanding crossed his face.

Katakuri would normally have predicted someone to have turned away and become worried based on that look. Yugi, however, smiled widely and walked out the door to talk to him.

“Hello!” Yugi greeted, and Katakuri blinked.

“Hello,” he responded, wondering what Yugi’s gambit was, and wishing once more that using his future sight under this world’s conditions didn’t make him feel so ill.

“Jounouchi told me about meeting you,” Yugi said again, grin not leaving his face.

That made Yugi’s response even more confusing. Katakuri needed control over the conversation. To try to preemptively dispel any of Yugi’s worries, displayed or not, he asked, “Did he tell you that I’m visiting from another world?” 

Yugi only shook his head excitedly. “No, just that you first appeared in the Kaiba Dome, and that you were strong. But you don’t seem dangerous.”

Not dangerous? What was wrong with him?

“What can I do for you?” Yugi asked, looking up at Katakuri patiently. He had to crane his neck, even with Katakuri bent over like this, not being much taller than his grandfather.

Either way, if Yugi wanted to get to the point of the conversation, Katakuri had no issue. “My mom likes sweets,” Katakuri started. “Before I go home, I want to bring some samples back for her, as a present.”

“Oh! That makes sense!” Yugi beamed. He couldn’t really be that gullible, could he? “I can help you find some treats to bring her. There are a lot of interesting candies in Japan.”

Katakuri nodded. “Thank you.”

Yugi smiled broadly. “I think my partner might be helpful too, if you don’t mind another tagging along?”

Katakuri blinked. “Sure?” he replied.

“Great! Ryou loves cream puffs, I don’t want to show you the best bakery in town without bringing them along. Let me call them!”

Yugi was so cheerful. Katakuri could so easily kill him, why was he so carefree? And why did Yugi say Ryou was a “them?”

Yugi had pulled a small, shiny purple device from his pocket and flipped it open, pressing a few digits on the interior keypad of the phone. While the ringing Katakuri could hear faintly was different than a den den, the familiar "clank" proceeded the voice of another human answering was reminiscent of the creatures.

"Hey Yugi! What's up?"

"Wanna get some cream puffs?" Yugi asked excitedly, not mentioning Katakuri.

"Always! What's the occasion?" came the muffled voice on the other line.

"I have a new friend that is shopping for sweets for their mom." Yugi glanced at Katakuri, as though making a mental note. 

Katakuri had been struck by the turn of phrase in which he had been also called they, and had stopped listening momentarily to Ryou’s response.

"I forgot to ask," Yugi replied guilty, loudly enough to interrupt Katakuri’s thoughts. He put his hand over the phone and gestured up at Katakuri to get his attention.

"What are your pronouns?"

His what? Katakuri blinked.

"I use he/him," Yugi continued, gesturing towards himself. "Ryou uses they/them." He gestured at the electronic device. Ryou was not a she or a he, it seemed like. Intriguing. He wondered what a person like that would be like. This world was interesting.

Why did Yugi think he might be a they/them too? Was something off about his masculinity in this world? Everyone at home was quick to call him a him. Having an option now seemed...interesting. Maybe he should try it, try to be a they/them. Not have to be a brother for a minute.

But what if they found out? There had to be some classification for being a they/them, unique to this world. And not being from this world, he likely didn’t have it.

"He/him," Katakuri replied, his voice expressing doomed finality.

"He, sorry," Yugi said into the phone, repeating the information without comment as to how long it took Katakuri to answer, or the tone of his voice. Katakuri felt a pang of regret at the pronoun choice, then shoved all the feelings about the conversation away. It wasn’t fair to Yugi, or his family, or anyone.

Katakuri listened intently as the information which had seemed so important moments ago was glossed over. All that, just to be met with smiles and grins, and questions about where they should meet.

"We're in front of Kame Game right now, but we could probably start heading towards downtown and meet you there. I don't think he will fit in a taxi."

"Oh! Is this that giant guy from the news?!" Ryou sounded excited. "I thought it was just a myth. Maybe he has information about other cryptids!" Katakuri blinked. Why would he know anything about this world’s cryptids?

Yugi chuckled into the receiver. "Meet you at New Domnio Baked Goods. We should head out sooner rather than later."

Ryou assented, and the phone call ended.

"My name is Katakuri," Katakuri added, realizing he had not said so before.

"Nice to meet you. It seems like you at least knew of me, I'm Yugi," Yugi replied, holding out his hand.

As Katakuri took it, he was conscious not to squeeze at all. He doubted that anyone on earth had the constitution to withstand a proper handshake, and Yugi was even smaller than Pegasus had been.

"We should start walking," Yugi said, gesturing forward down the street. "The bakery is going to be downtown."

Katakuri nodded, standing back up to his full height with a stretch. A few moments later, he’d fallen into step behind Yugi. 

As they walked, Katakuri was struck by how little dichotomy there actually was between the two of them. Yugi was obviously quite short, and trusted far too easily. But they had a similar fashion sense, all leather and belts and blacks, with outlandish hair color. Yugi walked confidently through the world, but the confidence lacked arrogance, like Seto Kaiba possessed. Further, Yugi seemed to love a challenge, already puzzling through the best route to get candies.

“We’ll stop at Lawson on the way. That way you can see some of the convenience store treats, and Lawson’s the best for those. We’ll get a Baschee, and see if there’s also a real one left at the bakery, so she can tell the difference. And I think they’ve got the sake Kit Kats in stock right now, and you’ll have to try the Banana and Rum Raisin ones, those are the ones from our region…”

Katakuri simply nodded along, content to leave the planning to Yugi. There was one thing he cared about, however. “There are donuts at the bakery, right?” he asked.

“Of course. I can make sure you get some,” Yugi smiled up at Katakuri brightly. 

“What’s your budget like?” Yugi asked, face falling suddenly, as though he’d run into an unexpected roadblock.

Katakuri blinked, then pulled out the paper money Pegasus had given him in exchange for a few Berri to study. He handed it all to Yugi, not understanding the difference in the colored slips of paper. “I don’t normally pay for things, so you’ll just have to figure it out.”

Yugi’s eyes widened, ignoring Katakuri’s comment. “Oh, wow! We could even buy admission to Kaiba Land and try all the duel monsters treats there with this!” Yugi’s eyes were gleaming, looking excited. “You can get the Blue Eyes White Dragons and the Dark Magician treats anywhere, but all the other duel monsters are Kaiba Land exclusives. Marshmallon is my favorite, but the Kuribohs are good too. Oh! And there are these little heart-shaped candies that the lady dressed up like Injection Fairy Lily makes at the bake store….”

Katakuri shook his head, interrupting Yugi. “I don’t think Kaiba Land is a good idea,” he warned, frowning behind his scarf. “I don’t want to make him any angrier than he already is. Plus, my mother is even larger than me. Imagine how many sweets she’ll need just to try them. And I would like enough to taste as well.

Yugi shrugged, but nodded, taking Katakuri’s response in stride. “That makes sense, I guess,” Yugi said.

“Just buy a lot of everything,” Katakuri replied. “Lawson’s and your bakery should be plenty.”

Yugi nodded, beginning the conversation about the various Lawson’s snacks anew as they walked.

----

Soon, the pair had arrived in front of a large, brightly lit storefront, a blue banner stretching across the top of the building. Glass windows showed rows and rows of products (from food to clothing, and everything in between) stocked in neat rows inside. Katakuri, of course, could not fit.

“Can you uh…” he trailed off, and Yugi smiled up at him. 

Yugi shuffled into the store, pulling items off the shelves in bulk. Katakuri watched Yugi through the glass for the nearly fifteen minutes it took Yugi to find all the items, wait in line, and check out. Yugi shuffled out, the mound of sweets stored in several plastic bags. Katakuri couldn’t wait to try them, once back in Brulee’s mirror. His mouth watered, and he had to force his stomach to stop from rumbling.

“I’ll come back soon. Did my list sound ok?”

Katakuri just nodded. He wasn’t going to tell Yugi that the list didn’t make any sense to him, and that he’d stopped listening to Yugi’s ramblings pretty soon after shutting him down about the theme park, since they were making him hungry.

Walking to the bakery was even worse. Even though he knew that he’d be acquiring donuts, the weight of all the things Yugi had bought at the convenience store was taunting Katakuri, who had yet to eat since he’d arrived in Dominio a few days ago. But, with his goal so close, and the promise of returning to Brulee to eat them so near, he knew he needed patience.

The hunger made his height even worse, however, and gravity was weighing heavily on him by the time they had arrived at the small building, simply labeled in small, white letters "New Domino Baked Goods.”

Ryou had already purchased cream puffs and was eating them outside when Yugi and Katakuri arrived. Katakuri tried not to let his mouth water, as he thought about how close he was to acquiring donuts. Yugi ran to greet Ryou, who gave Yugi a hug as he got within range. Katakuri tried to distract his hungry belly by closely examining the other person, trying to figure out what was different to make Ryou a they.

However, this seemed to be a bit of a mystery. There wasn’t anything exceptionally different about them. Ryou was just another short person, with long white hair, and a flat chest. If Katakuri had seen Ryou at home, he’d have assumed Ryou was male. But, Ryou, evidently was not.

Katakuri’s hunger and frustration with the train of thought was making him cranky. He wanted to pound down the door to the store, grab as many sweets as he could, then escape through Burlee’s mirror. Money took so long to use. He forced himself to wait, remembering his promise to Pegasus when he was let out of jail. Stupid people and their PR. 

Impatient, he decided to pull out the pocket mirror and mime examining himself in it to give Brulee a heads-up that he was growing impatient. He needed to eat. Soon. She appeared in front of him and he sighed. “I just need to wait a moment for the rest of the food,” he murmured, head angled so that no cameras in the area would be the wiser to the woman he was speaking to. 

Brulee nodded, grinning widely. “Please have safe donuts and a tent ready when I get into the mirror,” he requested, and she agreed again.

The shop door opened and a bell rang to signal Yugi and Ryou leaving. They handed him several paper bags, and a few boxes of treats. He didn’t even listen as Yugi tried to give him his money back, or Ryou tried to ask him questions about where he came from. Instead, he simply thrust the mirror towards Yugi until he was holding it.

“Goodbye,” he announced to Yugi’s startled face. “Thank you.”

And then Brulee’s hands reached from the mirror, gripping the sides of his leather jacket, pulling him through the small surface in a convolution of physics. Yugi and Ryou were left staring at the street where Katakuri had stood in blinking confusion. Yugi yelled at the mirror, which appeared overly-large in his hands, that he hoped his trip was safe and it was good to meet him, Katakuri was barely listening. It was time to get away from the awful, tiny, cramped world with it’s omnipresent cameras, and eat.

[wolftattoo]

uh hi! i think you might be downplaying that comment a little! i deal w similar problems as you (anger issues) plus animal cruelty intrusive thoughts and as i see it between getting furious bcs of something your pet did to redacting a whole post abt it, to saying you would kill them bcs of it and then Actually posting it. well. there's is quite a distance to walk! and i think you might feel like you have to b on this person's side bcs you go through similar stuff (this happens to me a lot) but I've never seen a post of yours even remotely implying that could harm any of your pets or any animal.

so i think this person saying "I'm going to kill my cat if they keep going" (instead of just saying they're furious bcs of something they did) is v different to what you and I go through! idk if it's callout worthy but it's weird

sorry if this is invasive and weird and also long, you can ignore it if u want to.

no youre entirely right. initally it just came off a strange to me bc i remember it just being a single post which is um. horrifying but didnt denote any sort of continued behaviour yk. but i agree with you its something that, if i saw someone i know talking about it or posting it. well its not great. i was just thinking about callouts and how they... are. sorry im a little distracted im listening to a podcast. but in short i agree. 

to make this post even longer im just going to confess that ig i feel like i have to over justify myself in any anger i feel out of fear of a number of things, im sure u understand and i know how ppl on tumblr love to jump to conclusions and anons, because i have an awful victim complex im trying to work on, always feel a little accusatory to me. when. i know logically they werent, they were just correcting me a little. sorry again if this seems a little disjointed 

[free--therapy]

hey, thank u for reading this or responding, if u do.

im just struggling a lot. im so paralyzed by making any mistakes, that i end up not doing anything. ive just made many many stupid mistakes in my past and im afraid to make them again, or make even bigger mistakes. i have terrible intrusive thoughts, saying that if i ever want to do anything, somebody from my past will prevent me from living the life i want and to avoid any conflict, i should just end it all. (that was wordy im very sorry.)

Hey Anon,

Sounds like you may be dealing with perfectionism. You've probably been made to feel like failing or making mistakes is the worst thing in the world by the people around you. I know how paralyzing that can feel when you feel like you can't even exist because it feels like anything you do is wrong. But that's absolutely untrue. I'm sorry you've been made to feel this way by people who should be loving you unconditionally and making you feel worthy for being who you are already.

Mistakes, failures, and conflicts cannot be avoided, however, and ending your life isn't fair to the life you're not letting yourself live. You have so much life to live ahead of you and you deserve to get to the other side of these uncomfortable feelings so you can live that life you so badly want. I know it's a scary thing to think about, but you have to get uncomfortable in order to leave the comfort zone and overcome your fears of conflict and failure. You know the saying, "everything you ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear"? this is what it's speaking about. Conflict is a part of life and so is failure and making mistakes. The way that I've come to overcome my fear of failure was to change my mindset about making mistakes. When we make mistakes, we can learn how to do better next time. Failure and mistakes is just showing us a way that something doesn't work, which means there are more ways to approach something until it will work. And when you seek to find that way, you will find success. The trick is to not be afraid of not finding that answer or way right away :)

Don't listen to those voices in your head that say mean things about you because you took the courage to try something. It's better to try and fail than to never do anything at all. "You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."

You got this, Anon 💪

[unsuspectable-weirdo]

I need to vent a little about being locked out of certain fandoms I want to experience and enjoy because of my disorder so...

Tw eating disorders discussion under the cut, please dont proceed if descriptions of behaviours and intrusive thoughts can put you in a bad place

When I heard of Heartstopper getting a serie I saw everyone's excitement, and as I looked more into it I was too, it looked so good! So in the meantime I bought the first two books, and omg I loved them. If you know how the story continues you can guess the reason of this post.

My ED is... not going well, let's say. An euphemism, really, I still live with very fatphobic parents, still dance, and the damage done to me in my childhood cannot be worked through without proper therapy. Thing that, thanks to previously mentioned parents, I cant get.

I guess i just wanna vent about how damn sad and isolationg and dare I say... shameful, it feels, not to be able to enjoy something because it contains an experience, real and understable, that will trigger me into hurting myself more than I already do.

The thing is, I've dealt with bulimia alone and in secret for 8 years now. Came pretty close to heal once too, but unfortunate events made me relapse harder than before. Most days, the feeling is managable. Purging behaviour after dinner and lunch comes before i can think, but I can always eat breakfast unbothered. On better days, i dont throw up at all, and while it stresses me out a lot, i at least can rationalize i'm achieving something for myself.

All it takes is a comment, no matter if positive or negative, if directed at me or someone else. A picture. "Someone you know lost a lot of weight!" Such a competitive bastard of a disorder, this is. The things it starts telling me then, you see! They're doing good, better than you ever will! Everyone will be so proud and treat them well, you dont deserve that until youve lost more than them. Even if it's an impossible amount, and I know it would mean death. Sometimes that possibility doesn't even look scary, and in my lucid moments im horrified. Do something to be worthy, to feel good in comparison, so we can praise you. Feeling faint is good. Slapping and scratching yourself till your skin breaks is good, it will teach you better. This strangling anxiety is good, you will feel too nauseus to eat.

Another part of me is extremly affected by the looks of other people. In heartstopper, it's charlie the one with an ed. Always described as small, thin, light as a feather. "That someone who lost weight doesnt even look like their former self! Theyre so small!!"

I'm... short. I will never be able so see myself as small or thin. Nothing you show me can make me see what my mind shields from my eyes. But I over esagerate how small other people are. I do realize that, i felt so confused when a friend of mine said my clothes didn't fit her, i cant comprehend how we're not the same size. I fear i might have hurt them back then too. People looking all so thin to me, and especially if they did lose weight, it sparks genuine fear in me. Fear they might be going through the same as me. I don't want that for them, they dont deserve it, they're perfect. I'm the problem. Show them that I, bigger than them, can eat a lot and with gusto... see, they're doing it too now, I'm helping. Now throw it all up tho, you're done showing off. For fucks sake, i should have been anorexic instead of bulimic.

...i cant believe this is a train of thoughts i fall into as soon as i see a mention of eating disorders. This vile, violent and horryfing ride gets triggered at the drop of a hat. And I wanna clarify, i think the portraial of charlie's ed in heartstopper is really good and realistic! Both in motivation, triggers, thoughts and how to tackle it, from the little things i've unfortunately seen at least.

And yet it still keeps me from enjoying a very cute, earnest, important serie about teen queer romance that started out totally captivating me. I know too that my experiences are my own, and many people will feel seen and validated through this plot, i'm cheering for you.

I just cant help feeling sad

And I fear encountering media that don't treat this topic as gracefully as heartstopper does

[rosefromc0ncret3]

its interesting how much I come on here when im not feeling okay. or when im experiencing the same emotions im always feeling.. and I feel like im not able to  turn to anyone else. loneliness really sucks. feeling left out really sucks. not knowing who you can turn to during these times really sucks. and constantly going back and forth with if you're important to the people in your life really fucken sucks too. its like I always go back to this feeling every so often and dont have a solution. sometimes, I think maybe I do this to myself. like its my fault that I am experiencing these things. or that I distance myself from people on purpose. because I dont want to feel hurt anymore. I hate having to put myself out there most of the time cuz im so scared of getting shut out or feeling like im bugging people. I hate how ive always thought this for so long. I hate that I'll feel a sense of security in my relationships for just a little bit and its like its taken away from me again. or I dont know how to navigate my thoughts. ive told myself so many times that I want to rely on myself when it comes to love, compassion, and just care. but it hurts when I see people I consider friends and people I care deeply for not give it to me.. maybe I need to stop being so reliant on others when it comes to finding that sense of worth. like being wanted by people will solve these feelings of insecurity. I want to be able to find ways to take care of myself and be my own best friend to make sure that these feelings are not always felt/are limited. I know that I have friends I can rely on.. and I dont know why I choose to dwell so heavily on the ones that dont work out or are not giving me the attention and nurture that I'd want. I always talk about how I want to find ways to put my needs first and not rely so much on outer factors to give me that affirmation. I have always struggled so much with not feeling good enough. I wish I could view myself as enough. I wish I didn't take things so personal. I wish I didn't feel these emotions so intensely and feel like shit about it. I know its okay to go thru the sadness and kinda just soak in them, but I hope that I'll be able to get out of this funk (that always comes and goes) soon. at least there I acknowledge that it goes.... I just wish it never had to come back. cuz when it does come back, its still so hard to experience. its hard too because I know I want to be alone, but the feeling of loneliness can be so dreadful sometimes. because my thoughts become so intrusive and negative and its like I dont know what to do with them. or I just keep spiraling into this black hole of my negative thoughts. I want to be able to distinguish my thoughts from what is actually reality. and understand that my thoughts are just that. ive been tryna focus on the law of attraction lately and just connecting to my spiritual self and what that means to me.. but maybe there's no end goal for that. I know that its a constant journey and maybe there's always something new to learn about myself.. I hope that in the future I won't rely so much on what other people view or think of me.. cuz thats totally out of my control. I hope that im able to be secure in who I am and know who I am without having to look for external validation. I want to be able to look at myself and know that I am beautiful, capable, worthy, smart, and overall just a good person. and I know I truly have to believe in that. I hope one day I can get there. and I hope that when I experience these feelings again, I will validate them and be gentle with myself. I will give myself care and nourish myself with what I need most. I hope to be surrounded by the love and care that I want all the time, even if that means giving it to myself. and being okay with that too. I feel like so many of my past relationships/how I grew up has had this huge effect on me and its something thats followed me into my adulthood. how can I practice letting that go? how can I acknowledge them, but not let them follow me? I want to be able to move forward with more clarity and understanding of my feelings/experiences without feeling like they're such a burden or weight on my shoulders. I hope that I can make a commitment to myself and let myself know that I'll be okay, despite all my negative and self deprecating thoughts. and to keep telling myself that those exact thoughts aren't true and figure out how I can change that to empowering traits and believing in myself. learn how to let go of all these thoughts, experiences, relationships, etc that are not serving me anymore. and probly haven't been serving me for a while. I want to keep reminding myself that im strong and worthy of love, no matter what I may be experiencing at the time. I hope I can move forward with that mindset. and appreciate that outside relationships may enhance the way im feeling, but never have them let it define me. sigh. hoping for more love and light within and for myself.

[mariahsparkle206]

i really hate the whole ‘no one will love you until you love yourself’ cause guess what? years and years of self loathing, abandonment, depression, anxiety, etc, and continuous struggle to combat those feelings that always are there in the back of your mind may never go away. so having someone, a friend or partner or any supporting person, telling you that no you arent worthless. no you deserve better. no its not you. no its not something you did. you are a good person. you are worthy. is a great way to learn to combat those thoughts because you have someone else, you have a third party that you can remind yourself that those thoughts are just intrusive. im not saying you need someone to love you to love yourself, but it can be very helpful to have another opinion. cause constantly trying to tell yourself something you dont really believe just feels like denial and lying to yourself. 

[edrecoveryproblems]

Can I still be really sick if I'm in the healthy weight range and occasionally have days where I eat "normally" ?

am i anorexic if i have periods of “normal eating’? sometimes after going to a party or hanging out with my friends i’ll have a small snack just bc i feel like it, but then i regret it and eat less the next day. i also tend to count calories a lot even when i eat when I’m not forced to and weigh myself almost everyday

I struggle with “fearing” certain foods and I have horrible body image, count calories on everything, weigh myself 20+ times per day, have tried to purge, etc, but yet my family doesn’t think I have an ED? I’m not that skinny either [Numbers removed by moderator] so I think that’s why they don’t feel that way. Do I truly have an ED? If so, I want to stop these horrible behaviors but I’m so fat and feel the need to restrict/fear bad foods so I can get skinny. I just don’t know what to do…..

I’m trying to recover from what I think is some form of bulimia. I feel like if I reach out for help, I won’t be taken seriously because I’m “not skinny enough” to have an ed. Help!

So basically my whole life I’ve had a binging problem, but I just recently started starving a few months back. I’ve recently decided to start taking steps to be healthy again. Do I really get to call it recovery? I was never as severe or did it as long as basically everyone else. I feel so fake but I’m still struggling with the thoughts. I don’t know. Is what I’m going through real? Is what I went through real?

i feel so invalid. i probably have had an eating disorder for a long time but i restricted for only 3-4 months. i’m in (what i think is) recovery, but i am not fully going against what my “ED” says. does it matter how low & long you restrict for?

I am not entirely sure that I have an ed because my bones arent extremely defined, my weight is not dangerously low (its average even) so is it valid? I hate to eat and the idea of eating and gaining weight repulses me, I am extremely insecure about my body and I just feel like such an attention seeker.

I eat less than x calories a day and I’ll only eat x. I work out every day and I purge most days. I really need help but im not skinny enough yet, I cant tell the difference between being full and feeling sick

I'm unsure if I actually have an ed or if it's just normal teenage dieting. I usually don't eat lunch and just have a small breakfast, but I eat supper with family. Does that mean that I'm not actually sick?

We get asks constantly from folks wondering if they’re “sick enough”, because they don’t do X or weigh Y. The bottom line is, if it’s negatively affecting your quality of life, if the thoughts are intrusive and unwanted, regardless of how long or how “bad” you think it is (or isn’t), you are worthy of help and worthy of recovery.

- Amanda

[tricksterspath]

#WorldSuicidePreventionDay

Its #WorldSuicidePreventionDay . Many of you that follow me here and on IG know that I am vocal about my experiences with #MDD #CPTSD & #OrthorexiaNervosa and recovering from addiction. I am also a 2x suicide attempt survivor...My father was a suicide when I was 14. This is a familiar topic for me. Some days I just dont think i'll survive, the road to healing is at times unbearable and agonizingly lonely. Despite having support systems, there are times the feelings and intrusive thoughts can be too much and the weight of false hopelessness is overwhelming.

 What I sometimes forget though, is that this journey of recovery is a path, a road, leading to something better. Each day we hold on and try again is progress. 

Admittedly I wish I had more vocal support to tell me that everything is going to be ok. Being my own cheerleader is awesome, but I need to hear it outside of myself more often. My wish to those who are struggling, is to keep holding on. As cliché as it sounds, tomorrow is a new chance to change our minds. 

Sometimes ppl see that im doing ok and think that I am strong enough, and dont say anything directly. While at times that is true, ppl like me still need our support systems to check in on us time to time, I am infamous for isolating, and shutting out the world because I hurt. 

My friends and family out there, struggling to make it through each day because of illness, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia etc. please know that your feelings are valid, YOU are valid and worthy of love and attention and support. 

Yes a lot of the emotional responsibility is ours, but we can only truly heal and survive TOGETHER. You dont have to go through the pain alone!

 I am not certified in anything, but this bitch has survived more than enough trauma to tell you my DMs are always open. I have access to resources and can try to help you find more support. 

You are never alone in this battle. Never. Please do not make permanent choices based on temporary feelings. Sometimes it just takes a shift in perspective to make a world of difference.

 Ive been on the road to recovery for 5 years. I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that change is rarely easy or comfortable, but it IS possible. I know so, because I am here today writing this. Much Love, Strength, and Support as well as Gratitude to you all. 

Just reach out, we are here. 

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 

Call 1-800-273-8255