#im too much of a coward to kill myself
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god im so tired of this shit
#im trying so hard#in every area of my life#and its not working in any of them#im trying to get a job. ANY JOB. not working#im trying to meet people/hang out with more people/be more social. not working#im trying to eat/sleep better/be more active. not working#im trying to date. not working.#at this point its like why even try#bc it never works#but i cant make myself give up. whatever definition of giving up u wanna use#i just cant do it#despite it making the most sense#bc i still hope for things to change#even tho i know they wont#it feels so hopeless and yet im wringing myself out trying to find hope/motivation to keep trying#at some point im gonna go dry#i’ll have nothing left to hope with#and the day that happens. i dont know what i’ll do#im too much of a coward to kill myself#but like. i have a day in mind#so thats worrying#like damn i have a deadline#but i know that if things havent changed by then i still wont do it#cause like i said. coward#but also i might still have hope by then. somehow#idk#shut up chili
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get me out get me out get me out get me OUT GET ME OUT IM BEGGING YOU LET ME GO I WANT OUT I WANT OUT I NEED A LOBOTOMY PLEEEEASE
ahem anywayz
i didn't feel like making two different drawings for the songs that i used as inspo . so here's interchangeable lyric versions
★ translated second image version / version without text under cut :
★ song lyrics from : "New Flesh" – Current Joys ; "Fata din Roman" – Patron
#im not feeling all too swell sketchbook.#i was at a halloween festival with my friends yesterday nd there was a rlly cool concert but omfg i yelled sooo much my throat is sore asf#i rlly enjoyed it but now i have this strange gut wrenching guilt . perhaps even sorrow . eating away at me#i also have second thoughts about my future tony cosplay idea again ......#ughh .... what fundamental part of myself would i not sacrifice so that the actually good cosplayers in my life would like me ......#i can't make anything good#im not a good person#what's wrong with me ....#maybe if i knew it would be easier to change that part about myself .....#i just want to make others happy#i want to inspire people to do the things they love and to uplift them .....#but look at myself .....#im utterly useless .....#inutil . indeed .....#dhmis#dhmis art#dhmis au#high voltage au#dhmis brendon#unemployed brendon#dhmis hv brendon#killing myself#nah im kidding . im too much of a coward to actually do it ahaha#X3
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im sorry im sorry im sorry im so sorry
#im sorry im sorry#none of this wouldve happeend if it werent for me#none of this would happen if i just werent here if i just werent fuckinf around takingnup everyoens time i#and i cant even do anything about it because im too much of a fucking coward to kill myself i never get anywhere with anything#shes fucking right im just a lazy entitled brat who doesnt even try to do anhthing#I cant even fix myself right i cant even listen to the fucking experts on it
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finish drawing. feel proud! see three pieces of art. i want to kill myself.
#ive been drawing for years why am i so bad#inconsistent also#bad AND inconsistent#anyways did anyone see the pic i drew haha its good right#who am i fucking kidding its awful#everything i make art writing knitting sewing etc its all terrible#no matter how much i practice i never improve#i cant write either my writing is terrible#and ive p much abandoned knitting#i occasionally sew holes in clothes but im bad at it#i have no fuckng skills#i should be good at this stuff its all stuff ive been doing sonce i was a fucking child#why is my baby cousin better at knitting than mr#why is my cousin so much better at art when were the same age and ive been drawing longer#i cant act either. or sing. i used to want to do musical theater but yknow#i cant bring myself to pick up my guitar cuz i know ill never be good at it. it frirates me to practice.#i played trombone for 2 ½ years and never got any better#i couldn't even read a single scale and my playing was quiet and bad#fuck#fuck fuck fuck#ill mever be good at anything#im a hack. talentless. unskilled. in every way possible.#can i find one fucking thing that im good at#“do it for yourself!” I CANT I FUCKING CANT if no one else likes it then its not good#and if its not good theres no point to it#becuz its just another way in which ive failed#i hate myself. im a disgusting failure#and im too cowardly to even kill myself#“im living for so and so :3” LIES LIES ITS ALL LIES IM ALIVE BECUZ IM A COWARD#everyone else will be fine without me. maybe happier even. i just cant do it cuz im fucking scared. another gd thing im a failure at.
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can literally only swing an apartment w another person and my bf is on the brink of backing out so i have to figure out what the hell is goin on there but god... god!!! i just want to escape!!! i was so goddamn close and now im being knocked all the way back!!! i dont even know where to /start/ looking for a new place to live or people to live with i just. what the fuck is wrong with me and why does this keep happening.
#its gotta be a me thing#which is why im probably gonna just sign up for one of those random roomie sites and inflict myself on a stranger#bc if i move in w anyone i know and it turns out im the thing that keeps ruining everyones lives#i dont wanna fuck up the few scraps of good ive got going for me#these past few months have just been a lot of me realizing how fucked ive been and how deep i keep digging#and i do not know how to get out of it anymore i dont fucking know anybody my viable support system is zero#too much of a coward to kill myself too terrified of the unknown to run away too convinced of my own stupid burden curse to accept help#what the fuck do i do here just#sit and shiver until my heart gives out i guess#maybe this will be it. maybe if move in day comes and passes and im still at home ill just kill myself#it might be easier then like. its obvious im not getting out any other way#so that might as well be it
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im a coward and an idiot and a monster and yall are right to hate me
#i will never be lovable so why do people keep trying to love me#why do i keep trying to find somebody who will love me#nobody ever will#nobody ever can#the kindest thing you could do for me is to kill me so i cant hurt anybody else because im too much of a coward to do it myself
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I really don’t know how long I’ll be able to live like this
#telecommunications/#and i know im way too much of a coward to kill myself#if being 24/7 afraid of death yet passively suicidal sounds like a contradiction that’s because it is and it torments me
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:)
#it'd be so nice if I was less of a coward#like im not going to kill myself cos im too pathetic but i also cant seem to just get over myself and stop being such a sad sack of shit#surely if ive accepted I'm not going to kill or even cut i shouldn't be thinking about it this much
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#vent post#tw sui ideation#if i killed myself would anyone even care#do i actually matter enough to anyone to be at all important#i feel like things would only get better if i was dead#i wouldn't be a weight on other people's shoulders#they wouldn't have to worry about me dumping all my problems on them#hell mom wouldn't need to pay as much for food or worry about any other expenses I'd put on her#and she'd probably get the money from my accounts#i think i should just kill myself#it would make everything better for everyone#im too much of a coward to try#plus i don't feel like moving#i wish i could just get out of it all
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oh my god im full on crying in my deadly silent dorm im really not meant to survive this. "what did he have to look forward to? what was there to like? there was nothing good about his life" <- about him not making it. echoes like a gunshot in my ribcage
#mypost#i just read 4 sentences about dabi and realized im not living on#dabiposting#full on tears streaming down my face crying i havent got this for years.#oh my fucking god i just saw an airplane and thought it was a shooting star. im laughing and crying. ahould i kill myself tonight#thats an evil joke to play on someone who is doing this bad i feel like that one person who called the suicide hotline#and it died on them and disconnected and they laughed so hard they postponed their death#nah im too much of a coward. if i ever kill myself itll be getting caught up in the moment and spontanously traffic dying#either as a driver or pedestrian#thats plausable deniability#god that plane shooting star sobered me up a little. im still not gonna make it in life#but i wont die today either
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i fucking hate myself i fucking hate that im violent i fucking hate that my body does this this happens everysingle fucking month without fail i fucking hate it
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.....
#the legal battle will take so long#this is going to be the hardest thing ive ever done and maybe will ever do#life has and will change forever. for the better? i hope but i dont know#is this the right thing to do? yes#does that make it easier? ....only slightly. and itll have to be enough. and i realize now that it is#but oh god does it hurt. im a victim too maybe the oldest one? oldest one alive anyway. that i know of#i cant. believe it#hindsight is 40/20 in this case but fuck#a part of me wants to tell him#to pull him aside and say#i know what you did. i know what you did and its going to come out.#and if it was only in the past i might choose to let the dead rest#but i cant let you near those kids. i can only pray to a god i dont believe in that its not already too late#but baby axel still has a chance#i know with this shit system i wont be able to take the kids from derek#but i can put you away and maybe thatll be enough#i wanna tell him that im going to the police and they WILL be coming to his mothers house#and i wanna tell him that because i loved him. So MUCH once#that im giving him the chance to kill himself and take the cowards way out before its too late#i... mean that a little too and that hurts the most#i cant kill him even though id like to choke the life out of him myself#i cant ruin my life for the man that tried to already#but it would save us all so much trouble if he did us all a favor and shot himself in the fucking skull#theres always going to be more kids and hes gotten to 4 over 2 decades at least. and those are only the ones i know for certain#hes just a pedophile. it makes so much sense now#fuck. fuck.#maybe in a few days ill be able to think about something else#can barely focus on trump getting convicted lol#id say delete later but i wont
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i am filled with immeasurable self-hatred. i dont want to exist i wish i were dead i hate myself more profoundly and deeply than im capable of hating anyone
#i keep getting blackout drunk#every single time i drink now#and it doesnt even fuck me up the next day as bad as it used to unless its 3-4 days in a row#but i was tryingto find idk some sort of advice or help or something online about it#and there was a comment someone wrote on quora about how if u regularly drink to blackout ur trying to obliterate ur consciousness#and that requires an alarming amount of self hate#and yeah thats me#thats me#thast where im at in my life i want to stop fucking existing#but im also too much of a coward to kill myself#just like im too muhc of a coward to transition#to try#to change#im a coward#im a coward and i hate myself i want to die#killmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillmekillme
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Mmmm I love that I probably wouldn’t be a good mother so I couldn’t even like be a good housewife that doesn’t make me feel useless at all nooooo
#not actually an invitation but also someone please kill me im too much of a coward to do it myself#personal
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:)
#im so pathetic#i wanna die i want to kill myself but i cant even grab one of the knives from the draw next to me and cut let alone do things properly#why am i such a fucking coward why am i so pathetic why cant i do ANYTHING properly#i just don't want to exist all i do is fuck everything up im such a fucking burden im so useless and pathetic#everything would be better without me but im too much of a bitch to do anything about it
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I'm not even particularly suicidal but I need to kill myself
#cupid.txt#only cuz i have the fucked up thoughts (nsfw thoughts with people ik)#esp w family and friends ^_^ i need to kill myself because it really hard. ik i was split literally for this but i vant take it#whatever we all know im too much of a coward to do anything so ill just listen to sad music ;)#vent
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