#im too much of a coward to kill myself

[chilipepperconverse]

god im so tired of this shit

[spookythesillyfella]

get me out get me out get me out get me OUT GET ME OUT IM BEGGING YOU LET ME GO I WANT OUT I WANT OUT I NEED A LOBOTOMY PLEEEEASE

ahem anywayz

i didn't feel like making two different drawings for the songs that i used as inspo . so here's interchangeable lyric versions

★ translated second image version / version without text under cut :

★ song lyrics from : "New Flesh" – Current Joys ; "Fata din Roman" – Patron

[canni-killer]

finish drawing. feel proud! see three pieces of art. i want to kill myself.

[freehologramreview]

Its just never gonna get better is it.

[monsternobility]

how the fuck do you go home when you dont know where home is anymore

[in-zwielicht]

I really don’t know how long I’ll be able to live like this

[ambiguousfiction]

:)

[a-fandom-trashdump]

.

[tiredtriedfailures]

oh my god im full on crying in my deadly silent dorm im really not meant to survive this. "what did he have to look forward to? what was there to like? there was nothing good about his life" <- about him not making it. echoes like a gunshot in my ribcage

[deepseaphantom]

i fucking hate myself i fucking hate that im violent i fucking hate that my body does this this happens everysingle fucking month without fail i fucking hate it

[nexttothelamp]

.....

[boymodeordie]

i am filled with immeasurable self-hatred. i dont want to exist i wish i were dead i hate myself more profoundly and deeply than im capable of hating anyone

[melodyoftheewe]

Mmmm I love that I probably wouldn’t be a good mother so I couldn’t even like be a good housewife that doesn’t make me feel useless at all nooooo

[rotting-blog]

I'm not even particularly suicidal but I need to kill myself

[mouthwashingconfessionsblog]

"Well, if I was in curly's situation i would've killed jimbo with the gun immediately and did what needed to be done because im not a coward like curly-" and its people who when the staff get their order wrong at mcdonalds, they just take it. They go sit in the corner with headphones on and sadly eat their burger with pickles and drink their coke instead of sprite because theyre too anxious to mention it, and think about how they wish they'd gotten Uber Eats instead. Its people who'll keep buying the albums and merch of singers and influencers with public and credible allegations because "it comforts my audhd🥺". Its the "he was only joking" when their friends make violent jokes and statements people who want to shit on curly without an ounce of nuanced empathy.

Im so sick of moral grandstanding about this shit from people who wanna act like theyre soooo much better than these characters by fantasising about killing jimmy.

Would u have really done that? If you were really in that situation, would u? Are u being honest? Do you think you're strong enough to kill a man, without hindsight as to what would happen?

Im being honest when i say i dont think i could kill jimmy. I dont think id have made the choice curly could've done to stop the ship from crashing. Im not gonna self delude myself into thinking im a perfect person who could've made a non-existent perfect choice in one of the worst situations imaginable.

.

[seokmn]

chapter XXV : what are we?

wc: 1.1k words

you cleared your throat awkwardly, “you know… they just like to talk about anything that comes to their minds”

seokmin just nodded and kept cooking the ramen for you two. there was a lot in his mind now, were you two already dating? were you two a fling? a situationship? his thoughts were killing him.

“yn?”, he called you out and you hummed in response, seokmin turned to look at you, he tried to hide his anxiety and nervousness in his voice, but his expression said otherwise, “what are we?”

“i… i dont know. we’re friends…?”, seokmin chuckled bitterly when he heard your answer to his question, he wouldn’t deny, your answer hurt him, “come on, i think we’re more than that”

you felt a pang in your heart, you knew you like him, no, you knew you love him so why did you say friends? why were you so afraid of getting official with him?

“then what are we, seokmin?”

seokmin pursed his lips, turned off the oven and walked towards you, who were sat on the couch, “in my opinion, you and me are not that complicated and it’s clearly not that hard to understand what we feel for each other and…”, he ran his fingers through his hair while looking away for a moment before looking back at you with a frustrated expression, “who between us will dare to say that its impossible for this love to happen? if i recall, you were the one who said that you think we can date people even if we dont have a soulmate, but the relationship wont last forever and i get it, you made me think the same. before i know you i thought id have to be single forever.”

“seok-“ before you could even finish saying his name, he cut you off.

“and i know you said you dont do relationships, i understand and i respect that, even tho it might not look like right now. but i know youre afraid of the end, you dont want to get involved with someone because youre already thinking about the end of the relationship because the person is not the one and trust me, im scared of that too. im scared of trying something and end up getting hurt, but im more scared of not trying it out with you and regret about being a coward for the rest of my life.”

you just fell silent, looking at him while listening to his words. the sight of his eyes tearing up breaking your heart in pieces, all you wanted to do was to keep him close to you, to keep him safe in your arms.

“after all we said to each other.. after all we did together,” he scoffed, “its no longer appropriate for us to be just friends, dont you think?”

“seokmin, i know you have feelings for me and i have feelings for you as well.. but it’ll hurt too much when this comes to an end. for gods sake i think i love you, i cant bring myself to do this to you and to myself.. i know that ill never be capable of love after you”

he was no longer holding back his tears, they were running down his face while he looked at you with such sadness in his eyes, “if you love me, why cant you give me a chance? why cant you give us a chance?”

“because loving is scary!”

“dont you think i know that?! you know me too well to know what i think about not having a freaking string with someone and yet my feelings for you are so strong that i created the courage to try it out with you, to say ‘fuck you’ to the destiny and be with you. if you think that giving in to love is that scary, then let me show you how my love can be beautiful and not scary at all. yn, all i want is you”

seokmin cupped your face and kissed you, desperately trying to show you all of his love for you in that kiss while tears continued to fall from his face and soon enough from yours too.

once the kiss was broken he rested his forehead against yours and spoke with a shaky voice, “i swear ill make it work, we wont grow apart. only death will separate us, actually, ill even fight death just to stay with you a little longer. ill go anywhere you go, if you end up falling out of love ill try to win you over again and again. i promise you ill never give up on you.”

“i dont think i could never fall out of love with you…”

“then be mine and let me be yours… please… we can try it out, we can make this happen. ill fight for you, ill fight for us”

you couldnt bring yourself to say something. you wanted to kiss him again, to tell him you do want to be with him, but you were so scared. it was funny and ironic that you felt that way, he usually was the scaredy cat about all this non-string stuff so why was he the brave one and you the scaredy cat at that moment? you two were already kind of acting like a couple, why were you so scared of making it official?

seokmin continued to look at you with his red eyes, still tearing up and holding your hand firmly, but gently.

“please… im only trying because i know about your feelings towards me and you are worth it”, he brought your hand to his cheek and closed his eyes, letting the small tears flow down his face once again. seeing that made your heart ache even more, you rubbed your thumb against his cheek while you watched him, still in deep thoughts about this whole situation.

fuck it, yn. you love him and he loves you. you deserve to be happy, you deserve to have a romance with the guy you love. dont think about it too much, you must live life fully.

you gave him a small smile, still caressing his cheek with your thumb as he leaned into your touch, “lets say ‘fuck you’ to the destiny and be together”, you said softly and he looked at you with puppy eyes, closing the distance between you two by kissing you and then breaking the kiss just to pepper you with pecks all over your face, “i swear we’ll be the happiest couple ever. ill make you the happiest girl, make you look at our hands and swear you saw the string”

“i know you will… but i have to tell you, im really scared, seokmin”

“trust me, i am too.. but we can do this together, alright? lets focus on having fun and loving each other, lets forget that this whole soulmate shit exists. we can make our own destiny. i promise ill be good to you”

"i know you will.. i trust you. we're gonna try it out, gonna do this together"

lua’s note: help i feel like i cant write angst This life is not for me 👊💔

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INVISIBLE STRING

in a world where when you turn 18 you share an invisible string with your soulmate that only you and your respective soulmate can see it, seokmin, also known as dokyeom, is an actor in the musical theatre world that doesnt have a soulmate and keep it as a secret. meanwhile, yn works in a bookstore and doesnt seem bothered at all by the fact of not sharing a string with someone. is it possible to change the destiny and find your soulmate even tho you dont share the invisible string with anyone?