#does that make it easier? ....only slightly. and itll have to be enough. and i realize now that it is

[nexttothelamp]

.....

[sidesteppostinghours]

Rolling in 10 hrs late but— 27, 28 Caine, 17, 34 for Cecilia? And B for all ur Steps, if you don’t mind :)

morning! thank you for the ask :D 

27. What causes them to feel dread? 

the fun thing about caine is that hes got really good instincts. its only heightened with hark (over 30 precog im p sure?) since hark encouraged him to listen to their gut. so if somethings about to go wrong, yeah, the dread is kicking in and theyre nope-ing the fuck out of there (the only exception to this is the casino scene). but there can also be false alarms if he disassociates hard enough, which is becoming more frequent lately. their paranoia+growing insomnia just adds to all of it. basically they just feel dread half the time,,, but also a more tangible thing that causes them to feel dread would probably be ortegas mind. if theyre in the wrong headspace, ortega brings back too many bad memories for them to feel safe.

28. Would they prefer a lie over an unpleasant truth? 

hmmm,,,, im not sure! it really depends on why the other person is lying about it ig, and how severe/urgent the unpleasant truth is. by default he tends to prefer the truth, but its mostly for informations sake. for example, with argent, they Really wouldve preferred not knowing what she was capable of. now that the cats out of the bag hes even more paranoid, especially since they have no information on her to use to protect himself. meanwhile, with the autopsy pics, they appreciated chen telling them what happened because it gave them a better idea of what happened while they were gone, and in their eyes chen had no obligation to tell them (plus they got some free bonus info about the kind of contacts chen has which is really useful too). basically, if he thinks he needs it to do things better or more efficiently, hell be ticked off about somebody withholding the truth from him, and vice versca if he thinks the lie would be more beneficial to him instead. either way though, theyre good at keeping their emotions in check, so hed be fine getting the unpleasant truth either way.

17. Are they easily embarrassed?

nope! not at all. i mean, if she hyped herself up and managed to fail spectacularly, then yeah, i could see her getting majorly embarrassed. but thats p much one of the few situations i could imagine her feeling like that. ceci isnt known for shame– shes extremely blunt, to the point of being insensitive, and shes willing to do a lot for a quick kick. except,,,,,hmmmm,, argent making a comment or stealing a quick kiss when she didnt expect it and managing to fluster her,,,,,, please hold while i experience the visionsTM.

34. How hard is it for them to shake a sense of guilt? 

oof. i think prehb the guilt of what she left behind was definitely there, but it got buried under the satisfaction of being free and having fun for once. nowadays, she still lives by those principles, that no matter what happened at least shes here now, but this time around theres an added layer of her actively trying to forget. if she does something she genuinely regrets, its still getting buried, but itll just claw right back to her in inopportune moments. most of the time though, guilt is getting tossed right back out the window so it doesnt disturb her happy fun loving times. no, ortega, no, finch, she is NOT repressing, she is simply being #goofysilly and will not stand for regret ruining her vibe.

B) What inspired you to create them?

speaking for my general process with all my steps: im rather predictable when creating characters. lots of them follow the same molds, they just tackle different storylines, and the differing plots are what makes them all different characters. so when making my steps, i ended up using those same character archetypes and taking them to their logical conclusions based on what choices the game offered. it makes it easier for me to imagine how they react, and its fun to tack on a slightly different trait to the mold and see what happens. ultimately, they all fall somewhere on the extreme ends of the "good/evil" spectrum, but with an added bit of ✨spice✨ from the other end to get them going into fully fledged characters. these are my inspiration/archetype for each individual step:

Caine- being an imported character for the exile if, i already had his character in mind when making him! in exile, they were very much meant to be the stoic leader character that was just beginning to doubt what he fought for. the problem when i tried to put them in fhr was. chen. chen i love you but holy shit it was so hard to make him unique and interesting when you were literally RIGHT THERE covering all the bases they were supposed to cover. and chen has a dog which made him obviously superior. it was annoying, but my frustration with their similarities pushed me to put a lot of love into them and well. look at where my son is now lmfao.

Cyrus- @ that one person who made that post about herald subverting the cinnamon role stereotype: thank you. i owe you my and my bastard sons life. cyrus was just meant to be a step i used to explore heralds ro route, so i didnt mean to take him too seriously. because of that, and because this was directly after caine and i was getting frustrated figuring them out, i kinda just went with the flow– he was originally a character closer to the "flirty and funny but actually competent and surprisingly apathetic" type. he used to have like. 50% ruthlessness lmfaoooo. a lot of his major character beats were caused by me making mistakes and figuring things out by clicking random choices out of curiosity. after i played him once, the higher ruthlessness route i went intrigued me, and i started tweaking him further, which is how we got here.

Cecilia- i! wanted! to! have! someone! fun! i wanted to have someone fun. i just wanted to have a step who would dick around and do stupid shit because they wanted to. she was my third step, both caine and cyrus were so serious, i needed somebody to juxtapose that. she was very much the "fuck around and find out" character. i created her to explore the lupin route, which seemed appropriate for the sort of character i wanted her to be. i also wanted to romance argent. it all just sort of culminated in a whirlwind of the most out there, daring step i had. it was only later i considered adding some more serious edges to her story, she was a bit like stress relief lol.

Cynthia- i created her with ortegas ro route in mind! even though caine was technically an ortega ro step, he was secretcrush so they couldnt really do much lmfao, so i was itching to play somebody whod actually pursue her. i chose the "calm, kind, do not burn down the house please and thank you" character for her since it seemed like fun to try with ortegas more out-there energy. i also had her as an anarchist, which i thought would be interesting to see play out since she was definitely on the more heroic end of the spectrum and i wanted to see how she would tackle one of the more destructive job choices. unfortunately, the kinder characters are almost always the hardest for me to work with, so it did take cynthia a while to find her footing. now, though, i think shes come together nicely! very much a balance of the nicer character i wanted for her originally while having that small kernel of "i can fuck things up if i wanted to" that i find more fun.

questions from here!

[forestryfae]

honestly one rly hard thing to unlearn my brain that. somehow everything i want is high demand and probably like way too serious and somehow too much and i shuold manage without and theres no real reason i should need or want that cus i dont REALLY need it i wont die without it and its just. unattaineable and not even a question worth asking cus the default aswer is gonna be a no or you dont need that or if i somehow get whatever i want i need to live with the guilt of having it and the sheer guilt from having needed it and frankly i shouldnt even use it because i should do without it so ill only use it a little or even not touch it because that makes up for it and also i shouldnt really talk about it or anything its almost something i have to hide because its so shameful

and the thing i wanted and got will be like. pancakes for dinner or a slightly more expensive rice cooker or i decided to buy a specific food at the store that cost a little bit extra compared to cheaper alternatives cus i only like that brand or like. hair dye or a haircut or a heater when theres no heat anywhere or a shirt or pants i like and will in fact use and i just normally i think most people just get these things if they want it and can afford it and itll make their lives better but i see something i like or want or even need and i have this crushing guilt because nah man i should do without it i dont need it i have other stuff already. and i havent even gotten it. its bad to want things its bad to see something you want and then it results usually in not even trying to get something i need that will make my life better and easier or i go treat yourself or whatever ive been good at not buying anything i want that isnt food and then i spend way too much money on things i barely want

but yeah shoutout to my mom and brother and family for this. i know for a fact its something ive learnt from them. if i even look at something in a store and say its pretty im immediately hit with "you dont need it" or "you have enough stuff" instead of just. oh thats cool or oh yeah that does look nice. normal people tend to respond with conversational replies. not commands or judgement or unwanted comments on someones economic status or what they have in their home.

like. im even a little afraid to ask my legal guardian for money for food because im scared hell say no or start asking what i have in the fridge or cupboards and why i havent used that first. even to the point where im trying to rationalize why i cant make flour soup in case someone asks why i didnt just do that instead of. buying food. or being afraid that ill be told im asking for too much money and ive gone over my limit and ill get scolded for using too much money. like. he doesnt do that. hes never done that. hell gently give me alternatives. i still need to find a couch and ive looked at a store nearby that sells for cheap and i was like "do we have a budget" and he reminded me that theres a thrift shop and told me hed like me to check there first. hell tell me its my money and im an adult and i get to choose within reason what to spend it on. if i use a lot i think he might hit me up and be like hey whats going on with the spending but he doesnt like. scold or yell at me or get mad. his job is to help me and help me avoid financial ruin and help me have control over my stuff, not take over and be mean or deny me agency. he doesnt do that. its still scary but atleast i can trust that when i do it scared its gonna be okay afterwards.

still it really fucking sucks that my brain keeps working this way. like im doing something wrong at all times because i exist. needing food or spending money or even cleaning or having small moments of ocd and so on. its. not a crime to buy hairdye because the colors i already own arent the ones i want. or buy new pants cus my other ones are useable but uncomfortable because they dont fit as well anymore. and so on. its not a crime to buy new paintbrushes cus my old ones are worn. or buy a certain brand of food thats a lil more expensive cus i dont like the other brand thats cheaper. its. literally what normal people do.

anyways the bottom line is i think i gotta work on this a little and not be so judgey and try to catch myself and go hey be nice food is literally neccessary so you dont go into organ failure or starve to death people eat multiple times a day its actually weirder to not eat that often. clothes are supposed to fit. youre allowed to enjoy things. you dont have to suffer just because you can handle it youre not supposed to be in survival mode. i can afford to buy food im allowed to eat i can turn the heater on i can clean i can do stuff i need to do to take care of myself i can be mentally ill and get through it i can make choices i want to make. its allowed.

[wgsphoenix]

messy tldw on the current meta. this is just first thoughts and i havent reviewed vods yet so i cant go over the interactions in detail. 

the base comp is sigma/ball, echo/tracer/ashe/sometimes mccree, zen/brig/mercy. orisa/sigma is also sometimes played but is only viable in limited situations

this comp is not dive so much as it is spam. the backline is too tanky to make diving useful, so it usually comes down to breaking sigma shield and forcing his cooldowns

theoretically a rush comp could mess with them, but after losing one fight it would be pretty easy to play around it (+ rein sucks). double shield has its moments on certain maps but losing one fight w/ it makes it hard to ever set back up and makes it hard to get value out of the dps that r strong rn

more in depth stuff under the cut

why ball/sigma is played

ball is the foundation of this comp. his speed, shield, disruption, and area denial w/ mines means he can literally spin circles around the other main tanks. winston has less of a capacity to survive cc than him and rein just is bad bc shatter sucks, limited mobility, he cant do anything when shielding, etc. orisa IS sometimes viable as a counter bc of fortify and supercharger, but she has no mobility and running anything but sigma with her is ineffective. hog/zarya doesnt work either but ill get to that later

its sorta a chicken or egg type thing but to me the rest of this comp is focused around denying the enemy ball value/capitalizing on your ball’s value. for this reason, sigma is the other tank paired with ball. his rock is a useful bit of cc, his shield can block burst and piledrive damage and destroy mines, and his grasp helps defend his supports from burst damage. his ultimate is also very good at isolating targets for a kill and also gives him high ground

none of the other main tanks are able to do everything that sigma does. winston can’t protect the backline and can’t poke at enemy shields, rein is bad, and orisa could protect her backline but this comp also focuses around shield break a lot so it’s easy to force her cooldowns and kill her

zarya isn’t played because she’s basically a free kill once her bubbles are used, she doesn’t have as much survivability as sigma does and she’s unable to do damage as she can’t get close enough to the other team’s backline to be effective. her ult is just worse flux specifically bc it doesnt give her high ground and it takes eons to charge. hog has good survivability, but can’t protect his backline during a push. hooking anything vs this comp would be very hard. his ult is comparatively shitty area control and he’s pretty helpless during it so he does fast. dva gets chewed up pretty fast by the dps and again this comp is very tanky so she can’t get much value out of dives. in terms of defending the backline, she’s just worse sigma. she might be playable on certain maps with lots of high ground, but i wouldn’t risk it. 

the mobility + burst dmg of the dps mean that hog/zarya isn’t viable anymore bc they just get burst down so fast, and neither of their ults/abilities do much compared to ball/sigma bc the comp is so spread out. also neither of them are able to protect the supports at all

runaway tried zarya/sigma for like 2 minutes and it sucked because they dont really have a frontline in this case and neither can begin an engage vs a dive

why tracer/echo/ashe is played

what makes dps strong in this meta is their ability to counter and synergize with ball. dps have to be able to chase him down, deal enough damage to force him away, and have the mobility to quickly switch targets to the enemy backline as soon as the ball is forced back. they also can’t be dps that he can feasibly 1v1. in terms of synergy, ball’s disruption makes for quick picks on out of position heroes, which means you need a LOT of focused damage, speed, and (vertical) mobility. on those qualifiers, widow, reaper, hanzo, junkrat, and doom are out. sombra and reaper can’t easily get assassinations so theyre out as well. sym torb and mei output a lot of damage and counter ball, but have no mobility and generally don’t synergize well with ball. bastion is (imo) always debatably playable in some kinda weird bunker setup, but usually not worth the risk and only works on certain maps

out of the heroes we’re left with (ashe, echo, genji, mccree, pharah, s76, and tracer), echo ashe tracer and mccree emerge as just. better versions of the others. echo has great mobility and her beam is essential for dealing w/ ball and enemy shields. her ult also fucks. pharah is just a worse version of her and can’t get as much value. tracer has a lot of survivability and mobility, and her kit allows her to get quick picks by sheer spam and force ults. genji has mobility but can’t survive as well as tracer and you have to invest a lot more into making his ult get value. ashe outputs a lot of damage, charges her ult fast w/ dynamite, and also has vertical mobility with her coach gun. her ult is good for area control. mccree is more or less the same, but you trade mobility for cc and slightly more tankiness. s76 has none of those and just sucks

i’ve only seen the cree played in APAC a bit as a replacement for the tracer, i think to give more stability to the backline and to make it easier to handle the echo. that feels more like a playstyle thing than anything else. 

the sigma pick is mostly a reaction to these dps. echo absolutely chews up tanks (minus sigma), and sigma can eat pulse and echo right click on top of having a shield + cc so hes kinda a must pick

tracer/echo is the most common duo, with tracer/ashe, ashe/echo, mccree/echo, and ashe/mccree being played on certain maps/by certain teams. NA/EU hasnt played anything with mccree so far. i dont have a complete handle on how they stack up yet but i think i like mccree/echo and tracer/echo best so far

you Could try to run a more divey dps duo i guess, but that’s more easily counterable than sticking with meta

why zen/brig/mercy is played

lucio and moira can’t be played because they have extremely limited range. dive is easily countered right now, so your backline isn’t going to have any easy escapes. zen is the most played support in this comp bc he does tons of damage to shields + discord is great for quick kills (havent made specific notes of it but itll be interesting to see where his harmony/discord usually go). trance is good for surviving flux + surviving spam in general. ana has more heals, but less value bc her nade is pretty easily blocked/eaten and bc nano is single target

brig + mercy are viable in different situations. brig is still sorta tanky + can defend against ball w/ cc and has rally as a backup while also doing pretty good heals. mercy is played on maps with good vertical mobility, usually alongside the ashe. balls have to play more carefully in that circumstance to not die. mercy also allows for echo to go hyper aggro, + valk is a good tempo ult. im not sure which i prefer, and id need to vod review to look at the interactions in detail

misc notes/interactions off the top of my head

echo and tracer end up chasing the ball off a lot and/or killing him, especially w/ beam. ball has to play REALLY careful in this comp and will still take a lot of damage regardless. ults charge fast

tracers duel each other sometimes, but i dont think ive seen many echo fights

echo beam also is good against sigma shield and uses her right click to force grasp so tracer can pulse (ive seen that like once but i think its happening more than that)

in this meta piledriving as ball into more than one target can be a death sentence. jihun did this a lot and was punished harshly for it, but his team also was always Right There when he did (kalios shielded right in front of him so he’d take less damage), but i think it just ended up burning more cooldowns than getting value

individual teams are centering different players, and running different dps/supports to do so. i don’t think there’s an optimal playstyle when it comes to revolving around different dps and that its based on player comfort. the one thing you absolutely should not do is make your ball the playmaker cough cough abang cough

if i have to see one more team pull out the genji i’m gonna scream

[painfog]

Hey so I saw you mention top surgery and was curious. I was supposed to be having top surgery this summer but that’s postponed. I was curious how that went with chronic pain? I’m scared about the surgical binder with my fibro and back pain. Any advice or info would be greatly appreciated!! (You can answer privately if you prefer)

ive actually been meaning to write up a big post on this pretty much since i had top surgery but still haven't got around to it yet so I'm happy to talk about it lol. ill go over stuff now n still aim to do a more in depth post later when im on my laptop (but writing this now bc i tend to forget everything haha). ill stick to the more fibro / chronic illness specific stuff & stuff i wasnt expecting rather than rehashing everything. apologies im on mobile so i cant put this under a cut

firstly, im sorry ur surgery got postponed! i know that must be gutting, so i hope it gets rescheduled asap & the time until then passes easily for u ❤️

I had double incision with free nipple grafts on the 4th of september 2019 with Mr Miles Berry at the london wellbeck hospital. i think he did an amazing job and can't recommend him enough for his work! i think the last pics i took of my chest were for tdov, and ill rb them after i post this for reference. i didnt have drains at any point of the surgery

for ppl with fibro, i was told that the pain after surgery either tends to trigger a flareup, or be really easily manageable, and it's hard to predict which it will be beforehand. its best to prepare for a flareup and be pleasently surprised if u dont get one. for me, i had a flareup that sucked but wasnt too bad as far as flareups go

you'll probably get given painkillers. take them regularly. it's easier to treat pain preemptively. if u don't get given them (no idea how it works outside of the uk) id say def get codine and paracetamol. u can't take ibuprofen for a while

i woke up from aneasthetic freezing cold + in a lot of pain. apparently most ppl dont need the full dose of morphine, but i did. after that it was a bit better. i was just So Goddamn Hungry literally it's all i was talking about

that night in hospital was probably one of the most uncomfortable in my life. you have to sleep sitting up for like blood reasons, so my back pain was quite bad bc of it. moving around a bit and adjusting pillows helped. if u have anything that normally helps ur back pain bring it with u to the hospital, & dont be afraid to ask the nurses for help with it (even if they can just adjust ur pillows for u). i couldnt rly sleep much but distraction helps. bring ur phone + headphones. i did a few ask memes when i couldnt sleep

the first week from surgery was rly tough, the first few days especially. this was bc i still had to sleep elevated for a few days and i couldnt get comfortable. i was too exhausted to do anything but couldn't sleep and it rly started to get me down. then i got some sleeping tablets (just nytol) and that helped so much. i literally cannot recommend it enough bc the not sleeping properly made everything hard (and like esp because with fibro the whole pain/fatigue/depression cycle is so real). once i started sleeping better recovery became a lot easier, and the tablets made the awkward sleeping positions more manageable. if i had to give only one bit of advice this would be it

on that note, ik everyone says this but do get a V pillow. it helps u adjust to sleeping on ur back and if u sleep on ur side normally it means u can like lean slightly sideways on it which makes it sm easier. also this isn't even top related but they make good back pillows when ur watching stuff in bed even now

get urself some video games (if ur into them) and easy entertainment shows lined up for when u wanna have them. recovering from major surgery makes ur fatigue even more pronounced so ur not going to be able to do all that much, but having light entertainment ready to go stops u getting as bored. its also a good excuse to finally play/watch the things you've been meaning to for a while

go outside when u can. if u have a garden just walk around it. it helps with a lot of stuff, and idk about u but i always forget how much it does. even just helping u sleep better if u get trapped in a fibro fatigued-but-can't-sleep cycle. and it goes so far helping u feel human in the first week

the first week is rly hard for a lot of ppl - its frustrating to have all that pain and exhaustion and not being able to wash or change the binder, and with the swelling and bandages under the binder it doesn't really feel like there's much change, which all sort of adds together. i keep going on about this week bc it helps to mentally prepare for it - there's no need to dread it, you just need to remind urself how worth it itll all be and that the rest of recovery is a lot better than the first part, and in time it won't have seemed that bad. big picture stuff

when u get the chest reveal, everything's better. i didnt stop smiling. and when u put the post op binder on afterwards, without all the bandaging, u like feel for the first time how much flatter u are??? and its amazing. even with the swelling. and then u get to shower and u feel human again and its great. (ik some ppl have their post ops/chest reveals much earlier than a week, but 5 days to a week is pretty standard in the uk. mine was 6 days i think)

more post op binder stuff: i got given 2. the first one i woke up in after the surgery and wasn't allowed to take off until my post op, and the second one i got given at my post op to change into after i showered. After that i alternated every few days. whatever u get given, if u get less than 2 i recommend getting another one so u can alternate them (if u want help sourcing them hmu. ive also still got mine i need to give away)

the post op binders were actually a lot easier to wear full time than normal binders. they were like more stretchy, and stretchy the full way round (bc they dont have the compression bit at the front). i used to sleep in my normal binder every time i slept with my ex, and that hurt like a motherfuck sometimes. the post op binder was much kinder to my ribs

i had to wear the post op binder full time, taking it off like once a day to shower n let my chest breathe (and massage my scars once i started that). some surgeons arent that strict abt wearing it that long, but it really helps swelling, & bc i didnt have drains it was rly important to stop fluid buildup. ik quite a few guys in my trans groups who stopped wearing their binder fairly early and then got quite a lot of swelling so i didn't want to risk it & i wore it for the full 6 weeks. at some point (icr when but maybe at 6 weeks? bc my post op was at 8 weeks bc he was on holiday) i didnt wear it during the day and only wore it at night

all in all the binder didnt bother me that much. it was more comfortable than my regular binders and i just kinda got on with it. it was annoying tho and i was glad when i could stop wearing it. for me the most annoying part was that it was a full length binder (i always wore half length before) and the riding up at the hips was rly irritating. i actually quite liked sleeping with it tho it was a pretty nice pressure stim ahah

some post op binders r more comfortable than others. if u have to buy ur own, i rly suggest going with a proper surgical one (they arent too hard to find second hand for free or cheap, again im happy to help here) bc they're kinder to chronic pain. i know that having a comfortable post op binder made it all a lot easier for me. there are also lots of alternatives w lots of price ranges tho, so that's not ur only option

ok i think thats everything right now! sorry its so long, but let me know if u have any questions!!

finally: before i got top ppl told me that its honestly life changing, and i didnt realise how true that would be. literally every single aspect of my life is at least partially better because of it, and most of them drastically so. I'm really excited for you to get that for yourself, and im wishing u all the best for it 💕

[thebrightestringaroundthemoon]

anyway time to use this blog for what i created it for i guess and type out a big long thing about how im a worthless piece of shit and should pour myself a nice big glass of creamer, sugar, and clorox. i literally serve like? no purpose? in life? at all? im a completely directionless failure that operates with about the complexity of a fucking roomba, running into the same goddamn couch over and over again and slightly redirecting. if i get lucky, i run into a different couch, but nothing fucking changes. i do the exact same thing over and over again: surround myself with wonderful, fantastic people, fuck it up and make them hate me, and then spiral into a pit of my own pointless fucking despair until i realize im such a fucking failure of a person i cant even muster the energy it takes to fucking die so i just get up again in the morning and go again. rinse and fucking repeat. and its not like i have some horrible life or anything, im just profoundly unfit to exist on this planet. i have wonderful friends who actually, honest to god care about me and its evidently not good enough for me?? so i just respond to everything by assuming the worst, spiralling, and being too much of a dumb bitch to fucking talk to A N Y B O D Y about A N Y T H I N G cuz i guess i’d rather make a dumb edgy tumblr blog named after the lyrics to a fucking asia song than actually solve any of my problems. i guess its too much to solve a problem when the fundamental core of who you are as a person is the fucking problem. i mean, there is a solution, but ive already covered why nobody needs to be worried about me doing that! bnobody needs to be worried about me doing anytuhing! accomplishing anything! ever becoming anything! ever managing to do much more than drag myself out of bed in the morning and inspire a profoundly sad mixture of pity and annoyance in everyone iv’e ever come into fucking contact with! im sitting here debating fixing the fucking apostrophe in the last sentence and its driving me fucking mad while real people have real fucking problems and my cardboard cutout ass bad edgy teen novel stupid bitch excuse for a person ass is sitting here doing THIS with my fucking time. I have things i shuold be doing, could be doing, but this is legitimately all i can bring myself to fucking contribute to society at this point. the surest sign that the people around me are fucking saints is that theyve stuck around this fucking long but honestly i dont fucking undeerstand. i guess thats the whole point of shit like saints, you arent supposed to be able to understand, its superhuman compassion, even for those who dont fucking deserve it. or maybe its just because i fundamentally dont work. i dont have any sort of actual power when it comes to my life. these are the idle musings of a bewildered spectator, the one person who comes to the party, stays sober, and sits on the sidelines and watches the fucking idiocy unfold. except instead of drunkenly stumbling around and telling my friends how much i love them, im stone cold sober and sitting on the sidelines watching myself fail to take even the most basic fucking steps towards fixing literally any problem that im dealing with. broken. non functional. i dunno if i was born a failure, though. i think that might be giving myself a little too much credit. other people were dealt infinitely worse hands than i was and they turned out fucking wonderful. i know a couple of them. no, i think im the way i am because of me. i probably had all the chances i needed to become something resembling a human being, and instead im whatever i am now. how can i be excited about some sort of future for myself when i can barely manage a relatively privliged day to day existance? i have friends, im not starving, im in college, i have an apartment. im far from rich but im able to afford to go to college. that should be enough. why the fuck isnt that enmough. why cant i just be fucking satisfied why cant i muster some sort of positive fucking emotions why does joy last a few moments why can i do this so much easier than writing anything positive about my life why does this flow like it does like a fucking river why cant i stop my hands why why what the fuck why why am i like this why was i born why am i who i am it flows so easily it just comes out but i cant tell anyone and i cant rely on anyone because im not anyone in noone im the fucking nobody that people keep around them to make themselves feel better and the only reason i have the slightest bit of doubt about that is that i love my friends too much to ever accuse them of something like that but then again does it fucking count when its someone like me do i qualify as a fucking person does it count as hurting someone’s feelings or using them when that someone isn’t a someone is just an empty fucking shell that was only gifted with the capacity to retain HURT thats all i can fucking remember thats all that sticks with me HURT i cant fucking be rid of it and its not some sort of innate inherent biological failing its who i am as a person i did this to myself i do this to myself i dont know that i will ever stop doing this to myself. all i can hope for is that one day i gain the strrength the fucking self esteem and self respect to kill myself. maybe it isnt self respect i need for that but respect for my friends. its selfish to put them through me. the pain they’d feel from my death would last a short time if at all. it would be so much better than forcing them to know me for however long this failing fucking body will carry my empty shell of a spirit onwards thjrough a world that i dont deserve to fucking inhabit. my inner monologyue put on paper sounds like a fucking evanescence song and i hate myself for it so much jesus fucking christ. i fundamentally do not like myself. as a person. on any level. i do not like myself. i wouldnt be friends with me, and ironically i hate myself for that too. but who would? who the fuck would? why does anyone? do they? maybe thats my one fucking talent. convincing people im likable. worming my way into their fucking lives until they trust me only to realize that i am not a human being. im an empty shell, a fucking roomba of a person. i can tell when ive run into something and back up so i can run into it again. i cannot solve my own problems. i cannot even conceptualize them. im something below a human cursed with the fucking ability to think at the level of one. my ocd is really really desperately trying to get me to scroll up and fix all the spelling and grammar errors but i dont know if itll hurt more to ignore them or to have to read the dumb ashit i just wrote. earlier i said that i wanted this to flow less easily and here we are i guess. though earlier i meant it in the context of only being able to properly conceptualize negative feelings and never being abkle to hold onto anything piositive i feel, and that hasn’t been magically fixed or anything, im just having trouble feeling anything at all now. im a completely blank slate. i havent even cried once troday. i cant. i cant care about my own fucking inadequacy and failure as a very basic human being enough to even fucking cry. i cried about an anime a couple nuights ago. i can muster emotion for that. but as soon as i look inwards i dont see ahyuthing thEres NOTHING FUICKING THERE THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING THERE THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING THERE I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING I AM BROKEN I AM EMPTY I AM A {PLAGUE ON WHOEVER HAS THE PURE FUCKING MISFORTUNE TO BE A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO TAKE PITY ON ME i dont want to die, even. too many steps, too much feeling, too much. i just want to stop. to end. i want to no longer be. ill lock tghat away with all the other things id love to happen but know never will. that ones at the forefront though. it always will be. until i grow the fucking compassion to put others out of my misery. my roomate just texted me an innocuous questiona nd i texte d bacjk normally emojis and all im normal dont you see everyone im normal nothings wrong with me. oh sure sometimes i have a bad day but im fine everybody IM FINE you aren’t you have to put up with me ill fucking worm my way into your life and convince you im a real human being you can hold a congersation with only to snatch the fucking rug out from under you as soon as you actually attempt to engage with me on any level and i just end up eiother hurting you or revealing accidently that there is no such thing as luna thats not a fucking person its a name assigned to a loose collections of disorders, bad habits, and a gaping emotional black hoile from which nothing can fucking escape, jammed into an ugly broken body thats going to kill me early and doesnt even compensate by making me hot. wHEE. and of course, unable to be happy with anything, i will simultaneously complain about my own impending death due to horrific nutrition, subastance abuse (just the fun kinds so people dont realize anything is wrong WHEEEE) and some fucky illness that ive now gone and stopped medicating because im a stupid worthless bitch, AND I WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS WHILE SIMULATENOUSLY WANTING TO DIE what do i want? who the fuck knows! not me! that’s a redundant statement, of course “me” doing know bercause thats not a thing im not a person! id love to blame it on my complete and total internal faliure as a person that i always end up hurting people, but honestly its probably because i dont put enough fucking effort in. even right now,. literally hours after a good friend of mine ostaroted feeling like shit in a way that is almost for sure my fucking fault, im doing THIS instead of trying to right the situation (to b fair she made a point of not inviting me but inviting the rest of the group?) or did she am i just reading into this? who knows! who the fuck knows! everyone but “me”! ejveryone else knows! becayuse its probably REALALLY FUCKING SIMPLE BUT NOOOOO I CANT EVEN MANAGE THAT CAN I I CANNNOT EVEN FUCKING MANMAGE TO MANAGE THAT CAN I thats too much for lil ol me! i am aggressively pointless! i am the single least important collection of fucking atoms on this planet! every last fucking rock i stepped on walking to and from the class that i skipped half of today is more important and has contribtued more to the grand scheme of things than i ever have or ever will, and thats jkust the inanimate fucking objects on the ground. lets not even get started on all the actual people whose time my existance waste, who i am a fucking affront to  by sheer virtue of being in any way associated with them at any point in time ever. i guess this is it, this is what i get when my entire personlaity is a loosely cobbled together collection of self deprecating jokes and a fake ego, desperately attempting to patch over an interior that has holes in it less than it just is one giant fucking hole. i was, am, and will be nothing, not even enough to earn the use of “I” at the beginning of the sentence. dinner is in 15 minutes. my friends will be there. im paralyzed. i belive every word i wrote above so why

would i inflict myself upon them but i 

i cant not

i so deeply want to

to go sit in uncharacteristic silence and hope somebnody notices and asks me whats up so i can give them a dumb, abridged, mostly fake version and get the sad pity looks and then feel bad about exploiting them and then

rinse

repeat

because i am not a person

[wintershoujo]

why couldn't i have no kids and 3 money? it's as though im seeing ghosts ghosts of my past the past when i was glad to be alive when will i die to meet them again i cant see any ghosts the ghosts of my future dead people dont come back when will i die so i can never come back it's as though im seeing a mirror no more premonitions im filled with disgust but the mirror just shows a tired face i want to cry but i dont feel alive enough to do it i want the waters to shower me but the lakes have been dried by this drought when will i see ghosts again when will i feel haunted like i am will i be alive again will i succumb to the fire of the sun the sun that shriveled my crops and stole my water shakira law my friends dont talk to me my friends please dont talk to me anymore isolate me leave me be theyre all gone where do i go what do i do now that im all alone with you laid my heartfelt words on the microphone you heard them you read them so whyd you have to crush them whyd you have to crush me for crushing on you ive liked every picture ive liked every tweet since i met you if i could gather every heart that ive put on your account it wouldnt equal one one billionth of the love i feel for you at this very instant but i just feel like a stalker urban camouflage do you still hate me? how i acted was a pretty good reason to do you still consider me your friend? cause i mind if you dont but i cant do anything about that do you still hate me? not answering my texts and ghosting me or leaving me with little bits of responses just to keep me satisfied just to keep me satisfied but i want more on my plate this meal is not enough im still hungry for your affections but honestly i dont expect em (noise layered over) do you still hate me? do you still hate me? do you still hate me? do you still hate me? shalashaska you can run with the hunted you can leave me behind i dont care but if you stay by my side ill be eternally grateful i hope that decision'd be fateful and ill be faithful to you, im not better than the deer, or the squirrels and it's clear. im only clinging out of fear, but if you dont leave me and stay my peer, i swear ill make you feel sheer hope and emotion, i promise itll be sincere and ill make you feel right. right at home, and i promise our own fights both wont be alone. and there are no flights no one way paths, we'll roam, on the ground we still see daylight dont you take my words with grains of salt, cause i know ive disappointed enough to make you think all things are my fault, but deep down you know it's not true, cause when you need help i always default to making sure i can make your issues few if it wasn't already obvious enough i swear to god i love you called out by a serial killer fan again so how does it feel now that the huntress is the hunted after all the praise i gave you and criticism received you threw it all away in a simple misunderstanding but you wouldnt back down from your passive aggressiveness so ill follow through and give up on you i regret nearly everything from our friendship except the time we saw mad max together and you didnt like it but that's unrelated i should really complain about you you were a 10 pound weight to my already heavy life a little bit of poison added to the drink but now youre alone now youre nothing nothing nothing nothing to me i was tired of how i got criticized for everything i said now im sure you feel the same but at least i never insulted my favorite comic because it's japanese what the fuck have you read of it? i accepted your taste in music but you belittled mine and called it shit the only thing you ever liked was sam rudich and now i cant listen to it because it reminds me of you enough of the tumblr humor and calling yourself an egg because to me youre as rotten as food that's a year old you think youre clever? you think youre original? youre as old fashioned as a fucking typewriter what's your chance at getting me back? the same as rage against the machine playing together again the chance id ever not tell a white lie to you about liking twenty one pilots the chance you have is next to nothing so quit referencing stardust crusaders because i know youre just a fake i refuse to apologize because this was brought on yourself i refuse to apologize because my life is better without you i refuse to apologize because all your fake enthusiasm about me is gone down the drain you chose popularity over genuinity, fucking up your emotions more than ever, betraying all of your old friends to those you hardly even know, all because you couldn't stand one girl anymore so you broke apart and we're all better off without you. youve got the same amount of intelligence as a fish only slightly higher because i hope you feel pain from this the 10 pound weight might as well be 100 because it feels a lot easier to go around without you here because now youre alone now youre nothing now youre just a ghost my instincts to text you have fleeted why do you think i'll ever come back when you act all nice to your friends and then crush them under your own feet? never speak to anyone, ever.

[trendingnewsb]

Hasselblads X1D puts other medium format cameras on notice

Back in June of last year, I previewed the Hasselblad X1D. Then, it was a pre-production model, which I had hoped would launch and become the powerful mirrorless medium format camera that it is now.

First and foremost, the costs associated with a 50 megapixel medium format camera is something only a professional hardware (or a studio) could actually consider. But if you are in the market for a mirrorless 50MP camera, this could be the perfect fit. However, if youre not and are just curious as to what you can do with a 50MP camera, then keep reading.

Using it.like an everyday shooter

It only took a few photos for me to realize: you cant use the X1D like you would other mirrorless cameras. At least, not for all the same scenarios. When in use, theX1D is processing 8272 6200 pixel images,at an average of 1.7 to 2.3 frames per second.

Actually, now is a good time to list off specs, for clarity.

50MP CMOS medium format sensor, with IR filter

2.36MP XGA electronic viewfinder

60 minutes to 1/2000 sec shutter speed with XCD lenses

ISO range of 100-25,600

Dual SD card (UHS-II) slots

3.0-inchTFT 24-bit touchscreen

Weighs 725 grams (without lens)

USB-C, mini HDMI and audio in/out ports

DSC_0141

DSC_0146

DSC_0125

DSC_0119

DSC_0132

DSC_0136

DSC_0183

 View Slideshow

Previous Next Exit

Its a lot of work, but also highlights what scenariosyoull be able to shoot with the X1D: landscape, urban settings, subject photography, etc. Action stills, sports and just about anything that moves quickly will usually be out of your range, simply because you wont be able to shoot consecutive stills fast enough. When you figure that out, its easier to make adjustments and have a better idea of what scenes youll best be able to tackle.

Shooting with the X1D is very much like taking screenshots in real-life.

One of my favorite features ofthe X1D is its colors: theyre 16 bit, with dynamic range up to 14 stops. This really matters most in editing, where a 50MP RAW image and the manner in which itreacts to changes in Lightroom is entirely different from most other cameras. As Veanne, our East Coast producer, put it: Theres so much more information and details to work with.

All the shots seen here are unedited, with the exception of resizing down so you dont have to wait for a 120MB file to load.

B0000853

B0000731

B0000776

B0000752

B0000802

B0000713

B0000919

B0000765

B0000835

B0000846

B0000849

B0000705

B0000855

B0000859

B0000894

B0000930

 View Slideshow

Previous Next Exit

With the lens hood on and the Spring sunshine, most of my outdoor photos came out exactly how I envisioned them.

For most of my time with the X1D, I exclusively shot in Manual mode, occasionally trying out the Shutter and Aperture priority modes. The f/3.5 30mm lens that my demo unit came which was useful for most of the situations the X1D is suited for (nothing moving fast, all stationary and at short to medium distance). As of publication, the X1D has only four XCD class lenses available and theyre all prime lenses but zoom, wide angle and one more prime lens is coming out later this year.

With the lens hood on and the Spring sunshine, most of my outdoor photos came out exactly how I envisioned them. Id say that the X1D is very rewarding to the kindof photographer who plans a shot beforehand; shooting with the X1D is very much like taking screenshots in real-life. But like anyone who takes too many screenshots and deletes them due to lack of storage, the X1D fills up SD cards like its nothing.

On average, a 16GB card holds 140 images. However, due to my shooting in both JPG and RAW file formats, Id often get less than that. Hence the dual SD card slots being useful for shooting just JPGS or RAWs, or both formats on the same card(s).

Regarding video, the 1080p HD capture is decent and eclipses most other mirrorless full-frame cameras, but isnt its strong suit. The built-in stereo microphone is prone to wind disruption (like most other built-in mics) and doesnt really pick up voices in an intimate manner.

Dont buy this camera if youre only looking to use its video mode; that would be silly.

A few words on battery lifeand heat

My two-week X1D test did not go without gripes. The battery, a 3,200mAh one to be exact, usually lasted only as long as the SD card did, before it was full. If you use the live view function, kiss your extra shots goodbye; the same juice-guzzling energy consumption applies to video. The battery takes an hour or so to fully charge, so its best you buy an extra. Thankfully, its easy to swap out: slide the latch, press down on the battery and itll slide out.

The battery takes an hour or so to fully charge, so its best you buy an extra.

Now a few words on heat: considering the sheer amount of processing going on, I expected the side of the X1D with the SD card to get slightly warm. This was always the case if I took more than 20 photos. What I didnt expect was for the heat to spread to other areas, like near the dials, grip and the lens. This is only something I noticed and isnt a deal breaker by any means, at least I dont think so.

Bottom Line

All in all, Im impressed and satisfied with the X1D. This isnt the camera youd go out and use for your next vacation, but if you do,send me some pictures.

The X1D will be best suited for those specialist, professional photographers who find everyday use for 50 megapixels and never went that route because of the sheer size and weight of most medium format cameras. If mirrorless cameras like the Sony Alphas solved the problem of unwieldy full-frame DSLRs for pros, then the X1D does the same for medium format photographers.

Despite the clientele for such a camera being very small, its a greatexample that even medium format cameras can slim down and puts pressure on everyone else who isnt following suit or innovating in the field.

Price as Reviewed: $12,990 total,$8,995 body-onlyor$3,995 for f/3.5 30mm lens

Read more: http://ift.tt/2ppzPZi

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2qbgGay via Viral News HQ

[trendingnewsb]

Hasselblads X1D puts other medium format cameras on notice

Back in June of last year, I previewed the Hasselblad X1D. Then, it was a pre-production model, which I had hoped would launch and become the powerful mirrorless medium format camera that it is now.

First and foremost, the costs associated with a 50 megapixel medium format camera is something only a professional hardware (or a studio) could actually consider. But if you are in the market for a mirrorless 50MP camera, this could be the perfect fit. However, if youre not and are just curious as to what you can do with a 50MP camera, then keep reading.

Using it.like an everyday shooter

It only took a few photos for me to realize: you cant use the X1D like you would other mirrorless cameras. At least, not for all the same scenarios. When in use, theX1D is processing 8272 6200 pixel images,at an average of 1.7 to 2.3 frames per second.

Actually, now is a good time to list off specs, for clarity.

50MP CMOS medium format sensor, with IR filter

2.36MP XGA electronic viewfinder

60 minutes to 1/2000 sec shutter speed with XCD lenses

ISO range of 100-25,600

Dual SD card (UHS-II) slots

3.0-inchTFT 24-bit touchscreen

Weighs 725 grams (without lens)

USB-C, mini HDMI and audio in/out ports

DSC_0141

DSC_0146

DSC_0125

DSC_0119

DSC_0132

DSC_0136

DSC_0183

 View Slideshow

Previous Next Exit

Its a lot of work, but also highlights what scenariosyoull be able to shoot with the X1D: landscape, urban settings, subject photography, etc. Action stills, sports and just about anything that moves quickly will usually be out of your range, simply because you wont be able to shoot consecutive stills fast enough. When you figure that out, its easier to make adjustments and have a better idea of what scenes youll best be able to tackle.

Shooting with the X1D is very much like taking screenshots in real-life.

One of my favorite features ofthe X1D is its colors: theyre 16 bit, with dynamic range up to 14 stops. This really matters most in editing, where a 50MP RAW image and the manner in which itreacts to changes in Lightroom is entirely different from most other cameras. As Veanne, our East Coast producer, put it: Theres so much more information and details to work with.

All the shots seen here are unedited, with the exception of resizing down so you dont have to wait for a 120MB file to load.

B0000853

B0000731

B0000776

B0000752

B0000802

B0000713

B0000919

B0000765

B0000835

B0000846

B0000849

B0000705

B0000855

B0000859

B0000894

B0000930

 View Slideshow

Previous Next Exit

With the lens hood on and the Spring sunshine, most of my outdoor photos came out exactly how I envisioned them.

For most of my time with the X1D, I exclusively shot in Manual mode, occasionally trying out the Shutter and Aperture priority modes. The f/3.5 30mm lens that my demo unit came which was useful for most of the situations the X1D is suited for (nothing moving fast, all stationary and at short to medium distance). As of publication, the X1D has only four XCD class lenses available and theyre all prime lenses but zoom, wide angle and one more prime lens is coming out later this year.

With the lens hood on and the Spring sunshine, most of my outdoor photos came out exactly how I envisioned them. Id say that the X1D is very rewarding to the kindof photographer who plans a shot beforehand; shooting with the X1D is very much like taking screenshots in real-life. But like anyone who takes too many screenshots and deletes them due to lack of storage, the X1D fills up SD cards like its nothing.

On average, a 16GB card holds 140 images. However, due to my shooting in both JPG and RAW file formats, Id often get less than that. Hence the dual SD card slots being useful for shooting just JPGS or RAWs, or both formats on the same card(s).

Regarding video, the 1080p HD capture is decent and eclipses most other mirrorless full-frame cameras, but isnt its strong suit. The built-in stereo microphone is prone to wind disruption (like most other built-in mics) and doesnt really pick up voices in an intimate manner.

Dont buy this camera if youre only looking to use its video mode; that would be silly.

A few words on battery lifeand heat

My two-week X1D test did not go without gripes. The battery, a 3,200mAh one to be exact, usually lasted only as long as the SD card did, before it was full. If you use the live view function, kiss your extra shots goodbye; the same juice-guzzling energy consumption applies to video. The battery takes an hour or so to fully charge, so its best you buy an extra. Thankfully, its easy to swap out: slide the latch, press down on the battery and itll slide out.

The battery takes an hour or so to fully charge, so its best you buy an extra.

Now a few words on heat: considering the sheer amount of processing going on, I expected the side of the X1D with the SD card to get slightly warm. This was always the case if I took more than 20 photos. What I didnt expect was for the heat to spread to other areas, like near the dials, grip and the lens. This is only something I noticed and isnt a deal breaker by any means, at least I dont think so.

Bottom Line

All in all, Im impressed and satisfied with the X1D. This isnt the camera youd go out and use for your next vacation, but if you do,send me some pictures.

The X1D will be best suited for those specialist, professional photographers who find everyday use for 50 megapixels and never went that route because of the sheer size and weight of most medium format cameras. If mirrorless cameras like the Sony Alphas solved the problem of unwieldy full-frame DSLRs for pros, then the X1D does the same for medium format photographers.

Despite the clientele for such a camera being very small, its a greatexample that even medium format cameras can slim down and puts pressure on everyone else who isnt following suit or innovating in the field.

Price as Reviewed: $12,990 total,$8,995 body-onlyor$3,995 for f/3.5 30mm lens

Read more: http://ift.tt/2ppzPZi

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2qbgGay via Viral News HQ