#and im too cowardly to even kill myself

[canni-killer]

finish drawing. feel proud! see three pieces of art. i want to kill myself.

[ilovechohaseul]

damn pretty sure i just deleted another textpost of me saying this but um lemme just move to the tags actually

[ratmanstiles]

Call me.willard stiles becsuse I feel haunted by my dad's suicide too. I wear his clothes too. I keep his belongings hidden in my room. I feel haunted by his ghost everyday too. I'm haunted by the way his body looked. I feel just like willard stiles. I have never felt so seen by a character bwcore

[readymades2002]

im just like spongebob (employee of the month)

[nerves-nebula]

I really need to try to kill myself im not joking haha. Like cmon just once man at least try. Like how can I keep complaining about wanting to die but not even try to do something about it. That’s just annoying. But no worries fellow tumblr users I won’t! I’m too cowardly :) but I should!

[psychodreamerangel]

lol some1 just kill me already pls im too cowardly to do it myself or at least tell me to or threaten me or something

all i do is waste everyones time and love and money i just need to fucking disappear why was i ever even born

[alaskan-wallflower]

it’s 3:30 am and i’m in my bed and i realize my life is pointless and i’ll never become anything and no after how hard i try i’ll never be good enough for anyone and i should quit while im ahead and i also feel really jumpy e cause guess who watched true crime documentaries before going to bed and i got jump scared by my brother and im just laying here contemplating my life and realizing that next year im likely to kill myself over my schedule because i decided to do all honors classes, college physics, college history, two art classes, two choirs, spanish 4 (im taking my seal of biliteracy test) and i decided not to take lunch or study hall because who needs that and i realized that it’ll make losing weight a hell of a lot easier and then i realize i have summer hw and still have to get my volunteer documents signed but i’m on vacation and i can’t help but worry and i am getting my wisdom teeth out and my breaking point was not being able to draw brody fucking grant in the right way and it’s making me very very very very very very very very mad but well vibe and thrive!

i don’t want to die. i just want to disappear. i wonder if anyone would know or care. probably not since i have the relevance of a grain of sand in this world and there are people actually doing stuff with their lives and i’m just here being a coward who’s afraid of death

i dunno. i’m just genuinely upset rn. i’m useless, i can’t even draw right and drawing is the one thing i’m supposed to do right. i turn myself into a spectacle to be laughed at and then wonder why it hurts when people laugh along. i’m too sensitive and there’s no place for someone like m in the world. i’m too bad for the world. i don’t believe i deserve to breathe the same air as good people. im cowardly. i’m scared. im tired.

i honestly just think i need to go to bed. maybe it’ll go away.

[goremet-chef]

trying to keep my emotions in check is so fucking hard man. like the pain i feel is so intense and real, but i also know i feel it for nothing. AND YET when i acknowledge this, the pain persists anyways!! never reassured properly cuz i can never see to kill the little voice in my head whispering "what if they do though? what if its true?" its so. frustrating its so PAINFUL this shit is slowly killing me man

its like. im scared to be caught in it if it IS true, to the point where ill just. back up and straight up leave sometimes

even when nothing bad has happened, and everyone is normal, even the smallest thing will tip me off and ill start feeling bad. ill start feeling like something happened and everyones upset with me, they like me less, theyre bored of me, annoyed, disgusted, ETC

its so scary man. and the worst part? i will never ever bring it up. ill never talk it through, never make my feelings known because i cant BEAR to make everything about me!!!!!! even if sharing how i feel isnt inherently selfish, ill feel like it is. itll tear me apart. there is no fucking escape!!! if i never say anything, then im leaving mid conversation to go cry in my bathroom and coming back like nothing is bothering me. if i do say something, ill sour the mood. everyone else is always having a good time, how could i just.. RUIN that? because i misinterpreted something and decided suddenly that no one actually likes me and im just.

im stuck in this loop where like. i want to be a good friend, a FUN friend. i dont want people to watch what they say around me, i dont want them to check up on how im doing, i should just be doing GOOD. but im not, i never am. its such bullshit man

why do i have to live so fucking miserably? why do i have to feel this pain, why do i always tear up over seemingly nothing? why is everything so heavy all the time

i hate that im someone who needs some kind of accommodation, i wish so desperately that i was just.. normal. normal enough to not cry like a fucking baby while everyone else is having a good time. i wish i wasnt like this, wish it so fucking badly

i dont make friends with shitty people, all my friends are so cool and sweet but like.. i just cant bring myself to bring it up, ever. i wanna be silly goofy dominic. i want them to love being around me so much that they forget about the unbelievably massive pile of mental issues i have. i want them to forget how easy it is to hurt me, even if its completely unreasonably and stupid

most of the time im successful, cuz ive got a quieter bpd going on. all the feelings are just as intense and suffocating, but i just. keep it all bottled inside, keep it all in the safety of my room. theres no like.

this is the closest ill ever get to sharing. spitting it out into a void because im too cowardly to confront my OWN emotions

i think thats what hurts the worst. i feel so fucking SELFISH. i know everyone has emotions, and id respect and love everybody elses, but mine? nothing makes me feel worse than when people actually care about me. it makes bottling everything up so hard. so hard when they ask if im okay and i have to lie to their face cuz im still not strong enough to confess whats slowly eating my alive

im just too scared of being too much. its like this line that i cant cross. i dont want to be overbearing, i dont want to be so outwardly emotional, i dont want to be VISIBLY MISERABLE to the people who love me, or at least like me enough to stick around.

but im so unsocialized that this is damn near the only way. i wanna be the fun silly goofy friend but the fact of the matter is that im just not. watching me try to participate in any conversation is just.. painful. and i can SEE how painful it is. its embarrassing how bad i am at talking. it only makes things worse, pulls me back from my dream of being someone that people ENJOY speaking to. its sad

even if im not as boring and awkward as i think i am, the fact that i think it alone holds me back. theres been so many times where i just.. bite my tongue and stay quiet even if i have an opportunity to tell a joke or something cuz the voice in the back of my head tells me "what if they dont get it? what if they dont think its funny? what if they only pretend to laugh? how embarrassing would that be?" and its right. i have to like.. silence myself so that i wont ever face any kind of rejection, because if i do itll kill me and ill feel so fucking miserable over it

i wish i didnt live my life this way, but in my head there are very few options, and all of them are bad

[stabyou]

genuinely wholly at the end of my rope. our car has already given us so many problems that have kept us both from working, leaving outstanding utilities of almost $1500. we got the immediate issue fixed, but now we need a battery, and i can't go out and work regularly unless i just leave the car on which guzzles gas and makes it so much more expensive to work. i need my cat's insulin, i need to pay our phone bill, credit card bill, affirm payments etc etc etc on and on until forever. and im just so fucking overwhelmed and tired. i can't make enough money no matter what, and if i could just work a normal job without wanting to kill myself i would. but i mean this isn't any fucking better. i don't know how to pay for all of this shit. how am i supposed to work and make the couple hundred bucks for a new battery for the car when it's the thing i need to even make the money in the first place.. just. fuck. like my fucking god. i just want lolo to have her insulin. i just want to be able to afford fucking tampons for myself. but living here is so expensive that we're just drowning in debt. always. always broke and drowning in debt.

im so exhausted. im so tired of existing. i am genuinely scared of the pressure, it's breaking me with shatters all throughout. it's too hard. and yes im a cowardly wah wah baby. but it's just too fucking hard.

[bi-demon-ium]

okay this is just me trying to talk my way through my feelings about garrison in circles

im going to be honest but i. kind of hate dr garrison a bit. (dodges rocks and tomatoes being thrown at me) LISTEN LISTEN

it's not that she isn't an interesting character (she is) or even that she isn't sympathetic at all i just. i don't know. she's so... contradictory. one second she's hemming and hawing about the morality of brainsweeping people with tech she handed over (and giving in every time) and the next she's a-okay with kidnapping children and experimenting on them for the sake of science. she's totally fine with that, and she tells herself she's a good person and it's okay because it's not like she's KILLING the child or anything but also she's totally fine with the brainsweeping itself ("no more annoying side effects ugh. anyway :)") it's the "dangerously" applying it in a way that could more physically damage them that she objected to. as if getting your life erased and taken away isn't damaging.

and like, i know i'm being kind of biased here--curtain also does these things, and i find myself (to my own annoyance) sympathetic with him and liking him anyway, and like. if we're going to talk about knowing something is wrong and feeling guilty but doing it anyway, one could get into mr benedict's past (although i'd still argue tooth and nail he didn't do anything Wrong persay, he just had no correct choices, which is not the case with dr garrison, but still) and she is actively being manipulated by curtain, to which we have no idea the exact extent particularly pre-canon.

but i just. i don't know. something about her flip between playing the good guy/victim forced into bad guy things in s1 (protesting at the ethics but never doing anything or showing even the slightest hint of truly objecting, just sort of giving a token protest, one even curtain mocks) to the weird cold supervillain vibe in the s1 finale to her more unhinged behavior in s2 where she's. well she's less guilty and more angry and bitter and despairing. like i don't think she's necessarily like "oh god i did so many bad things under him" so much as "i could be a famous scientist right now but i'm holed up in a depression cellar with the turnips. because that BITCH took my tech. augh." and she's, again, fully willing to kidnap, threaten, experiment on, and brainsweep a child.

like curtain, while he was definitely in denial about being a good guy, wasn't really playing the "oh noo im being forced to do bad things", he was deluding himself into believing they weren't bad. even though that's obviously. also bad. dr garrison was never in denial. she was just like... i want to say cowardly, but i'm not sure that's even it. i think she just lacked conviction. care. her priorities were science and herself (although i think science came first) and if she's the one who invented the brainsweeper and/or the whisperer, as is strongly implied, than she's been helping him do this for ten years or more. and that's not to say she wasn't being manipulated, too, it's pretty clear he had a hold over her, but like. i don't know. something about the way she specifically behaves just puts me off her.

that being said, i think i am being biased, too, and it's not like i hate hate her. but she might be one of if not my least favorite characters in the show in terms of like, liking them as people. (she is, however, a very interesting character.)

[rz-053]

i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want a life where people dont gt angry and me and snap an d yell at me for not communicating evffectively i want a world where people dont hate me when im trying to my fucking best i want to livin a owrld where i can get upset and be asked "are you okay" instead f being told "STOP, JUST STOP" I WANT TO FUCKING DIE I WANT TO FUCKING DIE I WANT TO FUCKING DIE EVERYTHING IS TOO EXPENSIVE I CANT GET A FUCKING JOB AND EVERYONE JUST DEICDES ITS MY FAULT LIKE IM SOME KIND OF FUCKING WORHTLESS PIECE OF SHIT WHO REFUSES TO TRY WHEN EVERY DAY I AM FIGHTING AND CLAWING MY WAY TO NOT JUST FUCKING KILL MYSELF OR THE PEOPLE AROUND ME THE MINUTE I GET OUT OF BED IM SICK OF EVERONE HAVTING ME WHEN ALL IM DOING IT TRYING TO GET THROUGH THE FUCKING DAY i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucking die i want to fucKING DIE I WANT TO FUCKING DIE I JUST WANT TO PUT MY HEAD THROUGH A GODDAMN WALL DRINK THE YELLOW METAL LOADED WATER OUT OF MY FUCKING BASEMENT SINK UNTIL I SCHOKE ON MY OWN VOMIT

MAYBE THEN PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING NICE TO SAY ABOUT ME. NAH, OF COURSE THEY WOULD.NT. EVERYONE HATES ME AND IM BETTER OFF DEAD EVEN MY OWN FUCKING MOTHER MY SIBLINGS DONT EVER FUCKING TALK TO ME UNLESS I TALK TO THEM FIRST IM JUST A FUCKING PATHETIC PIECE OF SHIT EMBARRASSMENT HOW ABOUT SOMEBODY JUST FUCKING SHOOTS ME BECAUSE IM TOO MUCH OF A COWARDLY FUCKUP TO DO IT MYSELF

[pesterloglog]

Jade Harley, Rose Lalonde, Doc Scratch

Act 5, page 3638

GG: rose please say something

GG: you are making me nervous...

TT: I should have gone looking for her.

TT: Why didn't I?

GG: umm

GG: because you were busy trying to make the best of this situation?

TT: John was too. But he went to look for his father.

TT: It would have been normal of me. I can't remember what I was trying to prove anymore.

GG: i dont think you should be so hard on yourself about it

GG: john was being john, and you were being you, which i guess meant taking our problems very seriously and putting all your attention on solving them!

GG: and anyway, you and your mom had a much trickier relationship than john and his dad didnt you?

GG: i mean, not that i am saying that means you were any less attached to her than him...

GG: argh, i dont know if im very good at consoling people. sorry rose i dont want to make you feel worse :(

TT: You're doing fine.

TT: For someone raised by a dog.

TT: Or really,

TT: Anyone.

TT: Thanks.

GG: whew, ok

GG: you know...

GG: now we have all lost guardians

GG: dave lost his, and i lost mine in a weird way... uuum even though that was pretty much definitely my fault :\

GG: and even the trolls all lost their monster guardians

GG: i think that maybe it is an inevitable part of a game that can be cruel sometimes

TT: For some reason, despite all the danger, I never thought she was in any trouble.

TT: I never believed she would actually die.

TT: I grew up with the feeling that something more significant had always been meant for her.

TT: That she was a heroine displaced in some way, resigned to the inglorious duty of raising me, and preparing me in her way.

TT: I didn't actually need the ectobiological verification that she was like a mother and a sister at the same time. I always understood that somehow.

TT: And I felt she had knowledge and ability beyond what she let on. It was always intimidating, but nonetheless a source of respect which was childishly begrudging on my part.

TT: I think she was just waiting for me to catch up with her.

TT: But now I can't.

GG: ......

GG: i am so sad

GG: rose i think you are being stronger about it than i am

TT: Probably because my emotions have now ceded to anger.

TT: This shouldn't have happened.

GG: oh

GG: well

GG: i just hope you arent thinking of doing something rash

TT: I already was.

TT: I was going to go to sleep, fly to a sun bigger than our universe, drop a bomb in it, and kill myself.

GG: yeaaah...

TT: So if my course of action is to change on account of my mood, it can only become less impetuous, don't you think?

GG: errrr, i dont know?

TT: You never liked my plan very much anyway.

GG: wellllll

GG: no!

GG: but i was trusting that you had thought it through and it was our best hope

TT: I'm not sure if I did.

TT: Maybe it was a terrible plan.

TT: I made it without a full understanding of the nature of the Scratch.

GG: hm

GG: then what will you do?

TT: I could stop being so cowardly, for once.

TT: I could short circuit this endlessly expanding game of chess we're playing, just like Jack decided to do.

GG: what does that mean!

TT: Maybe I will go kill Jack myself.

TT: Right now.

GG: oh no no no no no!

GG: rose that is a much much worse plan!!!!!

GG: he would probably kill you!

TT: Probably.

TT: But the Scratch will wipe us out anyway, and reboot the conditions of our session.

TT: I suddenly don't feel much like sneaking through the back door of the Furthest Ring for retribution by distant super nova.

GG: i know what you mean, i was angry at jack and wanted to stop him too, but we have to think of a more sensible way to do it

TT: Whether my existing plan was sensible or not,

TT: I may have been allowing myself to be manipulated by an omniscient being regardless.

GG: what? who?

Hello ladies.

GG: aaaaaaa whaaaaat?????

TT: This is a private conversation.

TT: Private even to those who know it word for word already.

Proceed.

I will be here.

Watching.

GG: rose who is this!

TT: Ignore him.

GG: i dont even know whats going on anymore

You were discussing Ms. Lalonde's intrepid new variation on suicide.

As one with a passion for the subject, I'm intrigued.

TT: Shh.

TT: Anyway, if it's true the gods have "selected" me for service, maybe the power they've given me will be sufficient.

TT: Maybe they wanted me to kill him all along.

Hee hee.

GG: SHHHHHHHHHH!

GG: please dont rose, i know you are angry but you arent thinking straight

TT: But I am.

TT: I'm fully aware I'll probably die and fail. Scratch happens, we start fresh. No recollection, no problem.

GG: nooo :(

Jade, as an ambassador of Skaia, maybe you'd be willing to talk some sense into your friend?

You should understand she's been corrupted by various entities with some rather questionable motives.

GG: rose, maybe white text guy is right?

GG: the dark gods gave you all these powers, and seem to be helping us with dream bubbles and stuff...

GG: but what if they are not actually good?

TT: They are enormous, ugly, and live in darkness.

TT: That doesn't necessarily make them bad.

GG: no...

GG: but i still dont trust them!

If only there were a way to make this determination with certainty.

Through a reliable source within reach, for instance, at this exact moment. Perhaps one that is spherical, and devastatingly handsome.

GG: whats this weirdo talking about!

TT: The cue ball.

GG: oh yeah

GG: i noticed you found it!

GG: i was worried it had been destroyed when my room blew up

GG: is he saying you can use it?

TT: Yes. And he is right.

GG: omg

GG: does it work???

TT: It advised me to talk to you just now.

TT: So I guess so.

GG: then maybe you should try it!

Yes, Rose. Listen to Jade.

She is far less manipulative than I.

TT: What are you suggesting I ask it?

GG: well

GG: since we dont know much about the gods...

GG: why dont you ask it about them?

TT: So, you're saying I should ask it if the gods are evil?

GG: i guess that is a way to put it

Even though at this point neither of you is highlighting my text to read it, this idea gets my vote.

Go ahead.

Ask, Seer.

[pumpomulos]

How's a chaser gonna slide into the dms when their face aint even public? Like ur obvi hitting on me cause u saw my selfies on a trans board but you're too much of a cowardly subhuman to show your own face? Pathetic, once again the deplorable state of men is continuously reinforced, i got tiddies but im the more confident & ballsy one than you? Isnt that conventionally masculine qualities? & ur getting outclassed by a bitch on estrogen? Just sad, Howd your parents go so wrong raising a worthless degenerate, theyre lucky i just block them when they deserve to be told all this shit, its a blessing on their behalf that id get banned if they sent me a picture of their rotten pecker & i told them its the most abysmal & ugly cock ive ever seen & that they should kill themselves, cause they should lol i will openly say it, if u r chaser in my dms sending me ur little dick, kill yourself, put a noose in your wishlist & ill fucking buy it for you myself, die alone & miserably

[judeharoldvich]

i would get so many bitches if i was skinny it's unreal. i have so much latent sex appeal but im too much of a fat shit to be able to utilise any of it. and fuck knows im not giving up burgers and pizza and pasta and cheese any time soon. i would quite literally rather kill myself, which i will get around to just as soon as science discovers the most painless and cowardly way to go about it. cause i can't tie a fucking noose. and i'm not cutting my wrists and waiting like five minutes to die, in which time i'll have probably changed my mind like the indecisive wimp that i am. and i'm certainly not jumping off any fucking bridges or stepping in front of any trains, and that's not because it's an inconvenience to commuters -- which it is. it's because i don't want to see my demise coming. at the very least, i want a nice quick heart attack from all the fucking grease and oil i consume on the daily like my uncle had, or some sort of silent and deadly lung cancer like my grandmother had. but before any of that i want to lose a hundred pounds just to see what it's like, even if it only lasts a day, just so i can know once and for all if that's what's always been wrong with me.

[catloafly]

I think i want to die, itd be much better than these lows and highs, the constant swing of intense anxiety of something stupid upsetting me, finding out the thing i was anxious about was me misunderstanding, and the intense self loathing that comes afterwards because not only was i getting anxious over something not even happening, but the fact that i got anxious over it in the first place is fucking stupid

I keep clawing for reasons, desperate for answers, and i arrive at one and be okay, but then its not enough so i claw for another and another and nothing works, i keep falling back on these stupid wretched feelings and i cant stand it. Like yeah the medication isnt working, but i got put on medication because the stupid reason thing pushed me over and i fucked up my arm, and i had to fucking call the suicide hotline because i thought i might do something, i felt like i was drowning

Hell i didnt think i was going to make it through to the new year, the talk (that i ended up having later and was completely fine) and what i thought its aftermatch would be dictating what i might do being so fucking scary but so fucking important that i sincerely thought i would have that conversation that night, that it would go bad, and that i would go kill myself. Take off into the night with a drink and my bottle of pills, maybe sob and crash my car or maybe see how far, how much i could cut before i died. It was so incredibly vivid, so incredibly real to me tgat night, that i thought i would kill myself before the clock struck midnight. I accepted it too. Accepted tgat it would go wrong and as punishment, i would need to do that, that i was too cowardly to face the bad.

I ended up being an even bigger coward, and even more selfish, and i held onto tgat talk for later. It ended up being fine, which i guess is good, but i also think i miss that high-low of thinking with utmost certainty that i would do it, that i would finally end it. It hurt, it hurts, it burns and burns and i wish i wouldve done it when i had made peace, because now im scared...i still do want to do it, its always been lurking in the back of my mind since i was in high school, but i dont think i will reach that clarity again without the medication. Or at least, i wont reach it without my life truly truly crashing around me...

This got away from me. I dont care who reads this, i probably will be alive for the forseeable future. I guess i wanted to vent without hearing the comfort from my partner or my friends because i dont deserve it. I dont, im vitriol and an awful person who wants to drag people down with me into my pit of anger and despair.

At the least, i think im going to hurt myself tomorrow as punishment, ill deal with people later

[noriakicatkyoin]

Diversity win! Guy i dont like no longer kins kakyoin