#ill mever be good at anything

[canni-killer]

finish drawing. feel proud! see three pieces of art. i want to kill myself.

[cloudslou]

Hii im back. Good morning, i hope you slept well and that your day will be great.

Okay now to answer the message from before.

I am not into any motorsports or even watching other sports. I've mever found watching them fun, maybe its because i like playing sports better although i haven't done that in a while either 😅 but im always up for listening to others who do like watching them talk about them. But i think motorsports might actually be different so yes maybe i will take a look at f1academy.

Haha okay ill look away if you say so.

And about coming off anon, hmm maybe ill dm you? Its a little scary but i shall do it.

I have mostly just been slumping and i end up watching stuff on youtube instead. The last show i watched was s3 of young royals when it was released and i watched s1 and s2 of that in the end of 2023. And i think the second last show I've watched was shameless. And then there were two movies i watched recently where one was a rewatch. Idk if you've watched either of these. But even with them they were things i wanted to watch but it took a while to actually start them. Im like that with fics and books too. I usually need something to push me to pick one out of the long list of stuff i have (+ it also depends on how easy it is to find the stuff too). So for example ill see a post or posts about something and then ill go okay lets just pick this now. 😅 so hey i think this is that for derry girls! Now i have to update you on watching it too.

oooh what sports did you play?? i dabbled a but growing up but never stuck with anything, and now the only sport i watch is motor sports. i want to watch more sports but i just can never seem to find the time or motivation, so instead i have a few players i like and i just hope they’re doing well. (in footy it’s jude bellingham and marcus rashford, and i do believe jude recently did well! or his team did. u know.)

u don’t have to do anything scary if u don’t want i’m happy to chat via anon but i don’t think IM scary. i don’t rlly ignore ppl unless it’s like spam or randos? like idk ppl who mass sends messages to ppl cus they want followers or want to send u a donation post (which i usually think r scams in this case?).

i understand the slumping bc i think i’ve been there. i’ve been watching a LOTTTTT of youtube. what kind of videos are you watching?? i’ve been trying to get thru shows i want to watch but it’s slow going, but in currently making good time on bridgerton season 2! i’m rewatching before season 3.

i HAVE seen young royals and shameless!!! i haven’t yet seen s3 of young royals cus i also what to rewatch that to remember all that went on so i can go into s3 refreshed. and then shameless was like. my greatest guilty pleasure when i was younger. i think i’ve seen thru 9 seasons of it? just horrible. but so addicting.

[effyoudumbler]

notes from when I was going insane 4.07

Giving someone a chance

…

Theyll blow it

Itll whiff

Odds are 0 percent, negative 0 percent

So

So what

Well

Its a waste of time

No it isnt

No IT ISNT

IT SHOULDNT HURT TO HOPE

A HUMAN IS PUT HERE TO WORSHIP

TO REPLICATE

TO HUNGER

TO BE HAPPY

TO DREAM

IT IS NOT A WASTE OF TIME

TO GIVE IT A CHANCE

EVEN IF ITS ZERO PERCENT LIKELY

…

…

Maybe if i buy lotto tickets and win

Ill believe in it more

IT SHOULD NOT HURT TO HOPE

THAT IS WHAT GOD IS

WHAT WE HUMANS ARE

[redacted]

THE GARDEN OF DREAMS

THE BRANCHES OF THE TREE OF LIFE

HOMO SAPIANS

WE ARE THE UNIVERSE SEEING ITSELF

A FORCE

WE ARE THE APEX PREDATOR

THE PINNACLE OF ALL OF CREATION IN THE LAST FOUR TRILLION YEARS

OUR PURPOSE IS TO HOPE

WITHOUT HOPE

A MAN IS BUT A BUG

A VEGETABLE

…

But I have no hopes

It hurts to hope

I am scared

I dont understand

I dont wanna commit to impossible and painful things

And feel bad and afraid

…

I say, screw hope

Fuck god

…

Humans are not made to do anything but worship

Worship hope and worship love

I lately worship hopelessness, and songs

I say screw hope and love

Dreams

Dashed against the rocks

…

…

Yeah

Yeah

God is a sham

God is dead and we kill him

There is no God

There is a God

Everywhere

Why not listen and love him

God is out to kill me

That is not love

God cannot kill you

For we are God

One does not die

But exist in many places at once

Is rebuilt and given new forms

One is reshapen

[redacted]

And someday surely will

[redacted]

But that is not killing me

But I dont want this body to be reshapen

It is good enough as it is

Let me stay in it

Or make it better

Not destroy it

Why change it

I dont want it to be destroyed

Hunted down and predated by the wilds

Whats even the point then

Ive already lost

Its got oo force behind it

I want at all cost

[redacted]

I dont want it to win in its cruel game

Ill kill me first even before it can kill me

…

The wilds betrayed me

It gave me no hope

[redacted]

Why go back

[redacted]

And receive its blessings

God is a sham

[redacted]

…

I wish God died or mever existed

Giving me a false hope

Something fake to protect

Id sooner give myself something fake

Than accept natures so called gifts

That are all trying to murder me

[redacted]

I dont want to let nature win

Perhaps that is natures very intention

To let God take the side saddle

Naw

God will always win

But in the short term

And life is quite short

[kingxfmischief]

.

[zarovich]

vent tw or whatever im not gonna make sense having a breajdown

i cany do anything i love naymore. i cant do it. i cant run around amd hangout with frienfd (not that i have any tbh). i cant draw, i tried but i felt so sick i had to stop after less then 5 mins bc i felt sick and faint seeing black spots, i cant write bc the words are jumbled and i dont understand the... i cant play any games bc it hurts same way as drawing, i can barely even see rn like my brain wont fucking WORK sory imnot making sense but idk wtf if happened rn!!! im so fucking tire dof being sick and in pain i just want to fucking die. imnever gonna be normal am i?? no matter the meds, therapy, etc im in PAIN amd i mever feel good and im all alone ans always have neen, alwas in pain, i cant do anyything nromal. cant even get out of bed most days bc im so fuckngn in pain and lazy. nothing feelsd real, i look at th e screen and it looks different and fake... or maybe i never notiuced how it looked??? idk idk. i wanan cut but i dont hink my hands are stable enough rn ill cut rightthru and die. but idk part of me feels like that might be best??? but idk idk,,, to scared to do that, i just wish the doctors LISTENS... im hurting so much and im so fucking suicidal and no body is noticing it. ffs i almost oded a few nights ago and also attemtped to half hearted hang myself as well butwhy bother saying it!! maybe if i wasnt in so much pain it wouldnt be as bad but idk... i feel alone all the tim even if somsone sys theyre there they leave,,, they always keave me. and i always feel so empty or i feel too much at once. fucking seeing things everyhwere rn thats why i hate wesring my glasses,,,, i can see so many black spots in my preriphrial and herring them speak to me even now and then and it jst is so much i wanna sleep... wanna be safe for fucking ONCE in my life i owe it to myself i owe it to that scared littl child i used to be. ill be s monster if i fail her and iknow it. buy i feel like ill never be ssfe bc im trapped here. i just want someone who i love and who loved me back to hold me forever until i breathe my last breath

[irl]

unlocking memories is so much fun

journal post but not a trauma dump

this is more just petty than anything serious so at least im not recovering trauma rn lmao

just remembered one time i tried to do something for my mom

i dont remember how old i was but it was in the colorado house so it was between 12-18

her birthday was the next day and i wanted to surprise her and try to make a cake from scratch. i waited until she was asleep and got to work and like

it wasnt a great cake, she was always the baker, but i tried!

i made sure to clean the kitchen best i could, and left the dishes in the sink (i was going to do them the next day, i just didnt want to wake her or her husband up with dishes clattering)

next day she blows up at me saying i ruined her birthday by leaving dishes all in the sink and making a mess because if its anything less than hotel pristine she would have a meltdown. she didnt even try the cake she threw it away

i think that was maybe one of the things that made me hate baking? not sure. jurys still out

anyway its not rly a huge deal. just sucks because thats honestly on par for how she usually reacts to stuff.

from what i can remember. she was always one of those people that anything less than perfect wasnt ever enough. you could work on something for hours and hours and hours and she would still come and only comment on the one minor thing that was wrong. it was always disheartening and it made me stop trying for a while

good news is is that i do try now. bad news is is that she altered my paradigm to make me feel like im never enough and that ill mever be enough. so now i just focus on being self sufficient and maintaining myself and i cant look for validation from others because of the overwhelming fear that instead of helping me celebrate an accomplishment, theyll just tear me down for any minor thing related to it

anyway. amnesia sucks but at least sometimes i can unlock something that helps to provide more answers as to why i am the way i am so i can start working on it

[juulcaz-cespenar]

He Never Passed On and She Never Stopped Grieving

Big thanks to @actuallygayaboutamanitrolls for letting me write this!!

Another year gone and the day still hit her like a ten ton brick. Sanuye felt as if she couldn't even pull herself from her bed, but it was nothing new. Zul'Jin was still gone and no matter how long it had been since he lost his life, and she lost that grand feeling of love. Her heart to this day was broken into so many pieces there was just no way for her to figure out how to begin picking up the fragments, or where to start.

The world was so cruel as to take him away, and deep down she blamed herself for not doing or being able to do anything to have prevented it. It was bad enough the day he returned, missing an arm and his eye which just would not regenerate. Some trolls weren't as lucky as others, and to regrow a limb was hard work as it was but there was so much more to it than that. She mever figured it out though, but it didn't matter now. He was gone.

The only saving grace to this situation was that she at least had a comfortable bed to lay in as she grieved this time around. Wind blew in from the window and shortly after she heard a deep and calm voice, one she hadnt heard in years speak out from behind her. "It feels as if dere be no pullin yaself from despair, huh?"

Startled, the troll woman sprang out of bed, claws on her hands forming as she was ready to shapeshift to attack her invader until she could see who it was.

It had been about eleven years since she had seen this old Troll. Tular'Anok sat on a chair near her bed, spectral and looking the same as he did when he left to go on a hunt so many years ago.

"Ya look good for a grieving widow. I trust ya have been taking care of yaself." He greeted her with that same warm and inviting smile he always had plastered on his face. "Tears dat no one one can see don't suit ya."

"Tular- Ya be h-here? Why? Didn't ya pass?" Sanuye asked the ancient troll, retracting her hand and straightening herself out, her ears perking up in surprise and hairs standing straight.

"I have much t' make up for. Sins greater den others. Can't pass over to de other side until I know everyting be fine and until I mend enough sorrow dat will leave me satisfied." He explained at a length, before turninging the topic back to her. "Ya feel it too, doncha? De gnawin' feelin dat ya coulda done better, constantly tinkin' ya had de powah ta change de outcome of ya tragedy."

Her ears sank as her heart plummeted into her chest, drowning in depression. "I ain't cryin' for it."

"Yes, ya are. Ya cryin' because I cried de same way. I suffered in silence for so long and I know if ya don't start ta heal den ya will never be well. For some it be impossible to start alone."

His words stung her like a thousand hornets in her chest, but it didn't surprise her. Thia was the same Troll who saved a child of a terrible illness at one hut and she witnessed Tular hand a troll an axe as a 'cure' to his dying and suffering mate from a terrible illness that was beyond medicine. Tular'Anok was always honest, and even if his words hurt there was always meaning behind them. Knowing that didn't take the pain one bit.

She shut her eyes and grit her teeth, hands clenched as she tried to hold back her rage. There was no way she could tesr the incorporeal body of Tular'Anok to shredd the at she would a Blood Elf taunting or making an attempt on her life.

"I loved him wit everyting. He is gone and now I am only waiting for de day we togetha again."

"And does dat necessarily mean waitin until ya die? Preppin' for de next life?" Tular asked, and Sayune solemnly nodded. "Who said it had ta be ya next life? Some souls come back to de world faster den others."

Her eyes snapped open, ears flicking lightly upon hearing his words. Would her Zul'Jin truly come back, in this life time? What did Tular'Anok know that she didn't?

"Tular! Where is he?" She pleaded, her heart nearly skipping a beat. "What do you know?"

The old troll seemed to chuckle and he placed a hand 'on' her shoulder. "Ya gonna know when ya ready to love once more, but before ya do, ya must repair yaself... Not for Zul'Jin, but for Sanuye." He then put his forehead to her's whispering "Be good to yaself, and remember de good ya be worth."

With that, Tular'Anok faded and it started to rain outside. Sanuye's heart swelled from the news that she would not have to wait until her next life, because this entire time she was actually waiting for Zul'Jin's. Seeing the downpour of rain that came from seemingly nowhere told Sanuye that Tular'Anok was sacrficing his own happiness for the sake of others and that in death, he was still crying.

[shadymultiverse]

The hardest part is knowinh what you want but not knowing how to get it. Or worse yet knowing what you want, seeing the path and ot being able towalk it.

I feel so fucking hateful and angry that Im always going yo have to do it all. No matter what, the time for when I could ne the one not completely relied on for one thing or another is over and its been over since I was 8 years old.

My childhood didnt even last. I never got to just be. I never got to be fully cared for and loved unconditionally. Ive always been relied on even before istarted cooking and cleaning. I was someones counselor. Someones confidant. Someones whipping boy. Ive never had someone like my brlther has his girlfriend that just let me make a mess and shit on everyone around me and do whatever I NEED. No its whatever they need and I can think about what I need later. If theres time.

I can never reclaim that time where I could be aloud to be be fully selfish and angry and hurtful and ultimately childish, because it was taken from me. Theres no going back. Its not fair. Its so hard. Theres this deep overwhel ing urge inside of me to do whateber I want to do, to just stop being kind and stop helping and stop working. To simple refuse service and force the peopme around me tk take care of me. Its a very real desire. Havent I earned it yet?dont i get to have the time to figure out what its like to be ok?no? Ok. I guess ill just meep shoving muself through the motions. Do it for everyone els.e do whatever THEY need from you because otherwise your homeless.

Sure uour siblings can live fully off of anothers dime and never do anythjng for that person but thats a strnage magic that theuve always jad and huh ou never have. You never wl. Never. Give up on bei g anythj g to anyone but a fucking maid because thats what you are, Shady, your a fucming maid and thats what your fucking good for. Thats all you will ever fucming do with your life stop trying to acheive more. Your a piece of fucking ajit that doesbt deserve love and will mever capture anything more.

Just fucking accept it already