#im still really sensitive about it
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If mental illness doesn't get treated properly / don't improve and festers for years it can turn into a personality disorder. Or any kind of trauma disorder. Or whatever. Point is it festers.
#still struggling with the avpd diagnosis. like yeah i do have peristant anxiety. but a) i hate how the medical field pathologized avpd and#b) dont really relate with how its portrayed? like the only kind of community if found is just people venting online#about feeling absolutely hopeless. this isnt helpful in any way for me. or about people being very rejection sensitive which im not#🤷#but like yeah. for me its just anxiety thats not very 'oh no what if i walk weirdly' (thats what i dealt with in school) but more smth#creeping from deep within and sometimes i dont even notice how it takes over. its not noticable thoughts or Anxiety as a Feeling.#similar to dysphoria in that it absolutely influences your life but you might never notice yourself#and then i also just have social anxiety. but thats managable. sometimes exhausting. but ive had social anxiety for more than a decade now#i can deal with it#its very situational#and with situational i mean casual conversation with real life people (mostly of my age). doctors#this has turned into a rant lol#about me#avpd
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still haven't moved on from zane in this episode (aka I hit tag limit again and am unhappy about it)
#alek insanity#not gonna main tag this but prepare for a tiny rant#home is actually really good zane characterization and its super cool to me how it holds up to this day#s1 characterization is very specific to me because the behaviors displayed by the ninja there (mostly) isnt bc thats how they really are but#its due to societal pressure. cole originally being more 'stone faced tough guy' -> 'down to earth' -> 'really sensible easy to talk to guy'#is because hes always been a sensitive guy... but he felt he couldnt express that true version of himself. thats the whole thing behind his#true potential. jay going from s1 -> s6 -> now is less of societal pressure and more teenager figuring himself out but it still applies. ish#seeing how much the ninja have changed or grown from then to now is amazing because back then they all wore masks. they didnt know each#other all that well. but theyve gained that comfortability with each other and also have grown and matured as people#some seasons / eps characterization for certain people im not a fan of (lloyds random misogyny arc in s13) but i mean the overall trend here#and then there is zane. zane in home was pretty dead on to how he behaves now (at least... when it comes to his faults?) and i dont want to#say people skim over that but i am the sf proclaimed n1 s1e2 fan and overthink every scene. zane's early characterization is some of my fav#for him period. he also goes through a ton of traumatic stuff and a ton of bad writing bouts but why he acts so 'weird' or 'distant' has#always been a thread sewn in. he changed so much he stayed the same in a way... if that makes sense. -> ohhh the ninja get mail and he#doesnt? oh he has no family? he quite literally walks away from that situation. oh the ninja are yelling in his face and asking whats wrong#with him? he literally walks away from that situation. he says its to follow the falcon but seeing how he apologized to them by not only#baking a ton of pies (cough... the food fight is what led to him leaving at first) but he also found them a whole entire new house.#zane is unable to truly value what he does for others. insert him in s11 saying he 'tried' to fufill his goal of protecting others.#everything he has ever done still isnt good enough. then the ninja tried to apologize and he didnt really... let them.#that one post about characters putting on facades and that facade being how people really see them. even in fandom. thats zane to me#the guy who lies about being upset and avoids his problems ran away after being yelled at? and he said he wasnt really mad? that is a lie!!#him being a ~360 when it comes to his character development is neat to me because he never hid behind a mask in the same way the others did#cole wanting to seem tough vs being really soft? kai wanting approval so bad he starts being selfish? kai isnt selfish usually!#he is self centered but that is a whole different thing. just wanting to fit in and breaking free of that. zane's true potential came in the#form of 'i finally know why i am not normal' instead of 'i will be my true self'. zane never pretended to not be weird#(instert book) states he literally didnt know why people got mad at him. he just existed and it was 'wrong'. the mask he hid behind was#avoidance. he was pretty open about how he actually was (most of the time). when he was upset he would audibly sigh and walk away lol#but for him saying he wasnt upset / saddened by the ninja... it felt like a moment of selflessness. if that makes sense. he blamed himself#for the monestary burning down. so he didnt deserve the apologies (ish) in the virtues of spinjitzu zane is shown as the generous one iirc#he puts the needs of others over his own. he will bear whatever burden he needs if others are happy. at that same time he doesnt allow
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MIKE BLOCKED ME ON TWITTER FOR ROASTING HIS DUMBASS RESPONSE TO THE GRAPHIC NOVEL STUFF!!
grown ass man scared of the 19-year-old queer being mean to him over his public meltdown more at 8.
#ramblez#little white boy sad? U sad bc nobody likes you? Bc u constantly make a fool of urself and show off ur distaste for ur fans? lmao#this is one of the greatest things to ever happen to me imagine how mad he'll be when he finds out the fangame Im making has queers in it#hes gonna have a whole other white boy meltdown on main KJSNFDGKJHFGKJHGKJHSDFGSD#hes so fucking sensitive maybe just get off of social media Mike this never ends well for you#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#and look Im joking around about this but it really is sad that the bendy devs cant handle this kind of critique towards their decisions#it seems despite the backlash once again they are choosing to ignore their fans which is yknow upsetting#But hey ig if the devs being awful was a dealbreaker for this fandom I wouldve left a long time ago and I havent#dw Im not going anywhere <3#also if anyone else here was also criticizing Mike maybe check his acct to make sure ur not blocked now since apparently#old habits die hard and this is certainly a pattern with him KJHDSFKGJHSDKFGJHDFGSD#also look before anyone asks yes I was kinda mean to him over this but to put bluntly if hes gonna be this dismissive to his fans concerns#he deserves it. Theres this persistent attitude esp in bendy fanspaces of being defensive of the devs#and I dont know why they have been extremely horrible people every single chance they get#and its very hurtful to see how many people would rather tell me to be kinder to the people who broke the heart of a child me when they#dismissed any ideas of putting queers like me in their stories than to realize Mike n Meatly bring this bad attention to themselves#to put bluntly I dont owe them kindness not until they at least apologize for the shit they did which they still havent#mike hasnt even addressed his vent poem in the code of BATDR let alone the other shit he said n did#so no I will not be kind to him ever hope this helps!
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About the whole ADHD "finding a way to motivate yourself without using the stress of impending deadlines" thing:
I hate to say it, but learning to be nicer to myself changed a lot of that for me. I really truly hate to say it. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but you gotta find a way to be nicer to yourself inside your own head, in whatever way works for you. I know it sucks so bad to hear.
The other thing is, if my brain is really refusing to tackle a task, often times the main thing I'm feeling is confused and understimulated. Which leads to me sitting there with the jeopardy theme song playing in my head, and then I unconsciously gravitate towards something that's more stimulating and therefore easier to wrap my head around. So overstimulating myself in some sensory way helps me be less confused about what I needed to do. Everybody's brain is different, though.
And uhh the other thing that helped is concerta, and listening to my body, and working on not being so ashamed when I failed. Which means you will probably have to fail a little bit unfortunately
#im so so so sorry#it sucks so bad because so much of what i found that works sounds so much like the trite advice we always get#you have to do it while being nice to yourself. if you try it while still motivating yourself through shame it won't workkkkkk#and the path to chipping away at all that learned shame is really individual and difficult#but the shame and stress are buddies that go hand in hand. they come from the same place#i had to make myself physically incapable of tolerating stress before i realized that it just doesn't matter#like you have responsibilities to your neighbors and loved ones and some of them are time sensitive. but HOW you complete them doesnt matte#and you just will mess up. there is nothing you can do about that. you have a disability. ADHD is a disability#''but if i mess up I'll face severe consequences. that's why i motivate myself through stress in the first place'' YEAH I KNOW IM SORRY MAN#it is still good to try and untangle the shame around doing tasks. it's still helpful.#even if it doesn't help you be more productive it will help your relationship with yourself and the world.#which is actually a really worthwhile and not at all selfish thing to prioritize. believe it or not.#anyway. love you!! sorry!! byeeee#personal#brain stuff
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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy
#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her#she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy#and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general#HOWEVER#i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them 😭😭😭😭#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids#one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up 😭#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids#and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them 😭💔#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere#like im actually worried about it#i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly#and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on#so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention#anyway 💔#i really do need to go tho#and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job#but im so sadddd#also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group#its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff#and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly#literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving#things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much#but i literally can't see a future here#and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired#she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks#anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids#its just really hard#which is why i've stayed this long#i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss
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Forgot how much I liked this guy… and wanted to play around with the lasso fill on ibis again, don’t use it a whole lot but it’s a lotta fun to get these kinda lines! Wish procreate had a similar option lol
#my art#described#dimension 20#dimension 20 a crown of candy#a crown of candy#cumulous rocks#wish we got to know more about Cumulous. I get that’s kinda the down side of bringing in a new oc when you already have such limited time-#-but still. wanted to know more about him :(#I do feel like we got a decent amount for Saccharina despite her coming later. but I also think in general Zac’s characters then to be more-#-in the background than at the forefront of the campaigns and it’s plots#which I think is one of the reasons im so endeared to them. cus that gives me a whole lot to work with on my end; but I DO still wish we-#-got more for these guys hwvdhs#on a different note. love the lasso fill tool so much - most of my digital stuff I just do on my phone with my gd finger so I don’t really-#-have any pressure sensitivity options but I feel like I can actually get some decent line variation using lasso fill. lasso fill my beloved
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with tlr2 issue 3 dropping in a couple days, im curious what everyone thinks moja and uno's abilities will be
#im assuming moja will get her powers next and then uno will get his in issue 4...#to me i think moja might have super heightened senses? in issue 1 she commented on something 'smelling' wrong?#uno even called them heightened senses but i feel like it may go beyond that#im thinking girl has insane super vision and a nose like a cadaver dog and hypersensitive hearing#which she may or may not have already begun to experience during the lost day special when she wore her headphones while watching fireworks#ofc she could have still been listening to her music or she could have hearing sensitivity for other reasons#i just feel like they might be leading up to that? i need to go back and scrape the earlier issues for foreshadowing of odyn and yi's power#im really not sure what unos could be unless they are going to lean super hard into the dark mode camoflague he already has going on#maybe he can turn completely invisible? ultimate stealth ninja moment#idk but its interesting to think about. aaaaa can't wait for more of the babies i miss themmmmm#ofc if they continue the trend of physical powers moja with fire powers would be super cool too#i can picture her with flaming fists perfectly actually so i wont be disappointed either way#the last ronin#the last ronin 2#the last ronin 2 re-evolution
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and next up, unfortunately, the horrors
#the horrors being winter + mental illness#maybe just getting over some complexes created by the previous years#but it sucks#its hard#i hear criticism and rear up like an animal in a cage#im acting like my dad 😭😭😭#and sometimes its not wven criticism but just an accurate view of MEEE#and it sounds slightly bad in tone when they say it so i end up full of offense#ugh#why am i so sensitive#is my skin really so thin#can someone shake my insecurities off of me#i just dont know how to. articulate myself well#and unfortunately i am seen by others and that means they have opinions and thoughts#and theyre not even wrong! so like. why am i upset#i wish i could talk to someone#and i can! but i dont! for some reason?#am i waiting to be given an okay?#i Do have a thing en where im worrying im talking too much and asking too much#so yeah. i probably am.#which sucks! bc no one can read my mind to give it to me!#its been so hard to feel like a person again#and im still doing it wrong I think!!! otherwise this wouldnt be happening!!!#not to have mid winter suicidal ideation but#these problems feel too hard to solve and i dont think im getting it#i wish i didnt have to deal with any of this at all and i mean none of it#i wish nobody cared about me and i wasnt here#id miss river tho so :/ nevermind lol
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i hate when i make a mistake and it fills my head and makes my chest feel funny and it sends my anxiety into a spiral even though in reality it’s probably not as bad as i think
#Accidentally sounded really sarcastic on the radio at work where everyone could hear me and im really embarrassed and i feel really bad#about it#i think it’s rejection sensitivity and although im a lot better about it these days it still comes back and bites me
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george could have a backbone and acknowledge his actions and apologise and not try to get out of it and then i’d see some redeem-ability for him
i’ll never be able to fully hate them but fandom won’t forgive and i can’t blame them at all. best case scenario they accept the death of “fandom” and continue yt for casual fans
yep my thoughts exactly. i find it very hard to see ANYONE as irredeemable, although i do think people who are abusive don't deserve audiences where they have access to vulnerable fans
#at the moment i find it hard to condemn drm or sap#with everything out in the open it still feels like their worst crimes r being grgs friends#to me. it seems like he made a terrible terrible mistake#and theres nothign he can do to fix it except improve himself and do all he can to help the women he affected#it really does come down to him owning up to it and consciously changing#and before i get called a hypocrite#id say the same thing about ccs like wilbur- they can improve#but that doesnt mean they should have an#audience#idk im still trying to sort out all my thoughts honestly#open to discussion just pls be kind this is a sensitive subject for me#cw abuse#cq.asks
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there goes my chance to sleep a decent amount of hours ig, why did i think it was a good idea to try drink tap water again just because everyone else did lmao
may play some honkai just to see bro heng
#why didnt i think about how sensitive my stomach can bejbxjhs anyway#never been a tap water person and either way#the water that has come out of it since the beginning of the flood situation has been... in worrying conditions.#literally why did i trust that when we are still dealing with everything xd#not my smartest move#anywa honkai#started playing again likeee yesterday or two days ago#may plan to advance the story a bit these days? im barely in some of the first feixiao appearances xbjskn i really got stuff to see and+#characters to meet#and i enjoyed some dan heng time yesterday yeaaaa#my brother that protects me#he wouldnt have let me drink that tap water LMAO#watch stelle and i getting tummyaches and dan heng staying up to try help somehow#so if there's more dan hengs i will bring more dan heng content from my brain😔✊#familial f/os move my world#n is talking#all i write is about you
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crazy that some people can not tell when you are being doing a bad faith argument just for the fuck of it
#personal#its just really funny to me i was talking to my mom earlier#and she was chattin abt facebook and all the halloween parents who were like mad it rained last night lmao and asking if ppl#would do halloween again tonight (LMAO. ROFL EVEN)#which is like whatever lmao like its just rain. get an umbrella. it wasnt a thunderstorm chill omg its okay#but then she was talkin abt some ppl who had bowls out on the porch who had the bowls get stolen and i was like obviously. ofc#100% bad faith like who cares its a bowl! oh no my two dollar halloween candy bowl from target! whatever will i do without it!#some drunk kid took it! some parent took it! oh my god the humanity! lol who cares. its a bowl. get over it. whatever#partly cuz i didnt care for this conversation and partly cuz its kinda funny and i just cant imagine caring about an empty bowl#getting nicked by some 40 yr old in a bee costume with their toddler#but she was so appalled she was like but thats not right! its your property! what if someone took my lawn decorations!#like mom for the record someone DID try to take your flamingo lawn decorations once and dad nearly shot them over it so like. that#clearly this is a sensitive topic for you. but like OBVIOUSLY THATS NOT RIGHT. OBVIOUSLY. WE ALL KNOW THAT#taking a candy bowl is unjust and cruel behavior we can all agree. how is it that you can not read the animated expressions and tone#of your daughter arguing in clearly bad faith she even threw in the ''thats the difference btwn generations i guess ...'' like MOM. OMG#it was so funny im still chuckling over it like mom whats happening to the reading comprehension you used to do this#with me ALL THE TIME and still do and yet you cant TELL !!!!!!! when i do bc when i do it its a stupid argument#and when YOU do it its some racist sexist shit or smth lmao#anyway the jooooooooys of conservaaaaaativeeeeee paaaaaaaarentsssssssss#theyre VERY intelligent :) <3
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i wanna go back to playing oneshot again... and just. enjoying myself in the oneshot universe
#i hate how short lived my fixation was ... i really love the game and i want to stay there#im listening to the ost again. i feel so immersed and comfy listening to the music#the best word i can use to describe oneshot's ost is... lofi. its so calm and quiet. barely any high tempo songs#i mean there is one song that makes you feel like its time sensitive and urgent but its still really. relaxing to hear#i think ill give world machine (the updated version i was excited about a month ago) a play soon. i miss oneshot#its really sad its overshadowed by Undertale. yes im not afraid to say it#i wish there were content made for oneshot i really love the universe#i want to know everything about the author's involvement. the real prophet. alula and calamus' dad...#there's still so much unanswered questions I'd love to know#reminding myself to play oneshot :)#~ rambling#i also wish there were more ppl who knows abt it so i can yap abt it heheh#i dont wanna force others to watch it bcuz of me sfnfjdjdj#watch or play. yknow
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back on my bullshit
and by bullshit i mean "rewatch MCD for the millionth time in a row and resist the urge to make an MCD OC"
i have yet to succeed in my bullshit.
#minecraft diaries#*makes another MCD Oc for the nth time and pairs them up with garroth*#he's my special baby boy#latest MCD oc is Skyen. they have a fantasy version of permanent photokeratitis and is the one who discovered Garroth outside of PD back#when he first ran away. and they were ✨Roommates✨. smth smth Garroth never shows his face to anyone but Sky and yet Sky is the only one#who can never see him. their blindness concept is admittedly ripped straight out of an old SkyArmy deviantart comic i read way back when.#they can technically 'see' except thats relative because they can barely see past their nose IF they hold their hand up to their face and#block out the light. they wear a bandana around their eyes and unlike AARON has an actual REASOn for it bc if they dont they get really bad#headaches and their eyes hurt due to being really sensitive to the light. they were taken in by an old man who lived in PD and taught them#how to deal with their blindness and essentially daredevilled their ass (also ripped off the SkyArmy Comic). they're still blind as fuck th#so while the heightened senses and training helped. they still like. need help with stuff they normally wouldn't if they had their sight.#they left PD to go traveling after the Old Man died when he and garroth were 18-19 and returned sometime after Aphmau became lord.#WHEN that is. i have not decided. there are a lot of options available for their return but im leaning towards 'before Donna's wedding but#AFTER garroth gets shot'#Skyen refers to Garroth as 'my friend' affectionately and Garroth does the same. they return to living with one another after skyen returns#and one of the first things they do is sit down with garroth and trace his face to feel if anything changed. which there has.#Skyen 🤝 Laurance: Blind Buddies!#Skyen helps Laurance adjust to blindness and lends him one of their bandanas to cover his eyes. Laurance jokes its because nobody wants to#see his eyes. Skyen dryly tells him that when he inevitably gets sand in his face he'll be thankful there was something to protect#his eyes against it. can you tell that i've thought a lot about this
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end of mania and i feel fine. i was worried i'd immediatly be down but nah i feel like i got so much out but i did it in a way that was embarrasing for the moment only, so I have no regrets or anything to be regretful for so MUAH
#shutup sensitive#talk about healing huh#still a lot to get done in my life that im not satisfied with but#as a person not all in my head :)#a lot of it's in my head sometimes but ik its not and ik how to work on things xx#now trying to do everything to not get back into that anxious 24/7 state#that was really hard and im cycling to it these past few years and im so over it so done#desperately holding onto my child self like THIS IS UUUU REMEMBER UUU STOP FORGETTING WHAT U LIKE AND WHO U ARE U COW UR THIS PERSON STILL#i get itttt tho we're close now or wtveee#(side note to self was reckless driving today but stopped as i started so idk what that was..)
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it sounds so obvious now, but im pretty sure my physical problems rn can all be traced back to the fact that my brain and body has been in a constant hypervigilance and cortisol overload for 3 months straight. the dizziness, the blackouts, the acne, the constant nausea, the giant eyebags and sudden crows feet ?? Like yeah, no shit thats what happens when ur every waking hour is the equivalent of that camille preaker crying gif
#i know the fact that i faint every couple of days and go a little blind sometimes should be priority here#but it REALLY pisses me off how much and how quickly this (?) stress is aging me#id still like to look good even if i feel like shit. sorry#the worst thing is that im doing everything in my power to do all the right things#but since i dont actually KNOW why having sex affected me in such a weird way. I cant really take the proper steps to get over it#like.. i can treat the symptoms best i can but as far as the root of it all. i have no idea whats actually wrong or how to fix it#in some senses it seems pretty cut and dry- i cant remember my childhood. i was neglected. i have a bunch of issues#i have sex for the first time. i stop functioning. i go into a depressive episode. i cant sleep.eat.be around people#i feel paralyzed by fear at the most random of times and have to hide in a small space to feel safe again. i cry so much i pop an eye vesse#like CLEARLY something is wrong. and just in an objective sense it sounds like something bad happened a long time ago associated with sex#however ! life is more complicated than that and i think its unhelpful to make assumptions (yes im aware i might also be in denial lol)#i already know i have trauma so its not weird for me to exhibit trauma responses. and maybe that was triggered bc i wasnt ready to have sex#it doesnt have to have a sinister explanation. it might just be as simple as me not vibing with the guy and regretting it later#idk. obviously my reaction to it is violently out of proportion. but i might just be a sensitive person !#does that sound silly or reasonable? reading it back i still kinda wonder if its just the denial speaking but idk!#i really really wish i just knew what was wrong so that i could actually start to move on#i know im bumming u guys out talking about it but i cant exactly talk to my family and im trying to not unload everything onto my friends :#bc as supportive and wonderful as they are i can tell they feel bad and have no idea what to say#which is fair enough bc its a really weird situation! so i dont want to burden them more than what i have to for my own sanity#tw#?#diary entries
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