#that was really hard and im cycling to it these past few years and im so over it so done

[sensitivedead]

end of mania and i feel fine. i was worried i'd immediatly be down but nah i feel like i got so much out but i did it in a way that was embarrasing for the moment only, so I have no regrets or anything to be regretful for so MUAH

[iraprince]

im havingggg. so much fun w necrotech99. this feels like the tvrn era again?? as in like... i had forgotten what it's like to be so totally consumed w a story that it's literally all i think abt. which is the kind of intensity i think is necessary for me to keep a story going for any meaningful length of time at all

it kind of makes sense bc tvrn was started before i had made art my fulltime job... and since i've gone fulltime like. i think i talk a big game abt work-life balance and keeping things fun and prioritizing the stuff that feeds my heart/brings me joy, and i do TRY really hard at that, but i think talking about it/trying really hard is different than. actually succeeding at it. and maybe i'd let the grind get to me over the past few years more than i really realized

i've been able to let loose quite a lot w gw2 ocs as well -- there's something freeing abt them being attached to an MMO bc it basically means nothing abt them can be monetized lmao so i don't even consider that angle, vs a lot of other oc stuff/story ideas insidiously get crept up on with "can i turn this into a ttrpg concept?" "if i made this a downloadable comic would it sell?" etc etc -- but it's different when it's ur own story entirely. (tho... i cannot promise i'm not bodysnatching some of those ocs and sticking versions of them in necrotech... lol)

anyway. i really like it. i'm happy that readers seem to like it as well. i'm so exciiiited. and it's giving me so much juice at work too lmao i feel like a kid slamming my way thru homework so i can play video games... i'm like let's fucking ANNIHILATE these comms so i can draw dead cyberdykes. and in return the energy endowed to me by the dead cyberdykes is empowering my work. vicious cycle slash pos

[preservationact2]

Its kind of crazy how the only reason why i haven't killèd myself yet is that i don't want my mom to have to live with that on top of everything else she has gone through in the past decade. But besides that i have very few reasons to want to stay alive. im genuinely just getting worse and worse by the year. shit is not right with me on a fundamental level no matter how hard i try to pretend like things will change. i straight up feel my brain decaying. i either dont feel real emotions half the time anymore or im going through increasingly intense mood swings. Honest to god music is the only thing that is getting me out of bed every day. and i dont really mean that literally as i do just straight up lay in bed all day every day. but you get what i mean. im a trainwreck dude. Anyway time to sleep it off for a few hours and be embarassed by this post when i wake up and then start the cycle over again !

[justanotherhornycatgirl]

.

y'know, it's hard being someone who is chronically good at surviving

there's a running joke, one that has continued through almost every friend group ive ever had, about how im the least lucky person in the world

even when i dont bring it up, people tend to notice that the dice never roll in my favor

i actually learned how to cheat a coin flip just so i could actually win 50% of the time

the same with counting cards

but outside of games, i think the reason people tend to notice is just how often things in my real life go wrong

a semi regular event for me is witnessing a friend's face turn sad/horrified/concerned when i simply describe the events of my life

and I'm almost never trying to complain, there's just no way talk about my past without it sounding like an anthology of disaster

and part of me wonders if i am so unlucky as the price i pay for avoiding death so frequently

but that wouldnt make sense, all of the times where by all accounts i Should Have died wouldnt have happened in the first place if i wasn't so unlucky

but whatever the case may be, it means ive survived way more than i ever should have

ive had far too many people comment onnthe fact that i am seemingly unnaturally optimistic, confident, and happy despite my misfortune

way, way, way too many doctors and therapists praising how determined and self-aware and strong i am just for still being friendly and affable despite the few things i wouldve mentioned about my life to them

hell, just a year ago now i had a nurse in the emergency room comment on how "shockingly cheerful" i am despite the reasons i was under overnight observation

and to some degree, this is intentional

a deliberate effort to cling to joy and hope despite a lifetime of reasons to let both go

but also, i think it's to some degree a subconscious process

i think at a young age i learned that if i let myself feel the proper emotions for the way my life has gone, that no one would wish to be around the girl who was endlessly sad/angry/scared, even if she had every good reason to feel those ways

and i work on it these days, i try to let myself feel these things and express them to my loved ones

but it's hard

and i worry for the people around me

my ocd is doing okay enough right now for me to recognize that my loved ones' misfortunes and struggles are not due to proximity to me

the actual explanation for why all my loved ones are so often struggling is obviously that i gravitate towards people who are already struggling when i meet them

but i worry about the fact that i dont have a fix for theur struggles besides time

im too good at surviving, and throughout my life most of the problems ive dealt with could only be solved through sheer endurance

but so often the people around me wouldn't be as good at surviving

and id lose them

and id move on

find somewhere new

survive until i can make things good in this new place

and ive done this cycle too many times now

and i really like this place

and once again the only solution to the things hurting everyone is time

and im so terrified that once again no one else will have the endurance and that once again ill be the last standing

and i think, if that happens again, that it'll actually give up this time

because this is the best, the most secure, it's ever been, and if this place cant survive then i dont think anywhere with me in it can

but for now all i can do is hope it'll work out

idk, it's 5 am, maybe im just going insane again

either way, if youre reading this, apologies for literally all of that

[mayakern]

Hi Maya! I tried looking in your FAQs but am not able to find this information. The past few years I've only been thrifting as I grow more aware of how the clothing industry is. Fast fashion going in mountains of landfills aside, the treatment of workers is absolutely horrendous 99% of the time. Your Meyoco skirt is my first piece of clothing I didn't get from thrifting the past year, and I'm absolutely in LOVE. I believe it's more than fair to pay $60 for a skirt as long as every designer, worker involved is compensated fairly. I don't believe that someone as empathetic as you would ever partake in a business model that takes advantage of the others, but for the peace of my own mind I just wanted to outright ask and make sure that the skirts are produced in an environment/manufacturer/business where the workers are compensated fairly after you've received your fair share of profit margins. 😅I adore your designs so much, and am already budgeting how to make it a staple of my non-essential purchases, I just would like to know that I'm supporting a business that align certain values that's important to me! Thank you very much for reading!

this is a great question! sorry if i'm kind of scattered answering it, im still dealing with neck pain (just got a cortisone shot which should help in a couple days but for now i'm relying on rest, pain meds and muscle relaxers so i'm a bit out of it)

first off, we've always done our best to search for manus that have good working conditions. we don't have the budget to personally visit factories outside the US, but we get footage from the manufacturers that show the working environment (specifically while making our items) so we can ensure the spaces look up to snuff (good lighting, ventilation, enough space, cleanly kept, etc). we also always look out for any red flags like a PPU (price per unit) being too low to afford fare wages to the workers.

without being able to hire someone to do a full blown investigation it's hard to 100% know what's going on in a factory, and unfortunately we do not have the budget for that, but we do our due diligance.

and i'm really happy to report that our new primary factory, which we found with the help of a supply chain manager, is GOT certified, which is a HUGE leap for us. basically, GOT certification requires a factory to meet certain thresholds for ethical labor and environmental practices. for our factory specifically, this includes a biometric clocking system that makes sure the hours worked are consistent with GOT requirements, as well as regular medical check ins and a dr on site. they also run internal social audits (sedex, ICS, inditex). they provide food and transportation for the workers and have multiple regulated breaks.

GOT certification also covers things like making sure the dyes and materials are ethically sourced. unfortunately because our skirts are synthetic fiber, we cannot brand the skirts specifically as being GOT certified because GOT certification only covers natural fiber, BUT all the other materials and the labor practices surrounding the skirts are certified. they are also certified for their ethical recycling for reuse of scrap material specifically regarding their synthetic fibers.

in addition to this, we do not function the way fast fashion does. fast fashion relies on constantly pushing the trend cycle faster and faster so that garment workers are pushing out new garments in weeks or days rather than the more traditional 3-4 month cycle (which is where we fall). this traditional cycle is why we used to have fashion "seasons," which honestly we don't believe in either. our goal is that when you buy a skirt, it is loved and worn and kept for years and years. we don't follow trends or seasons: we just make things we like.

also, we strive to never order more garments than we think we can sell. traditional fashion/retail typically strives to order 20% more product than will sell so that they can make maximum sales because nothing will ever sell out. that extra 20% is baked into cost/loss and usually is what ends up in places like ross or in landfills. so although we know it's frustrating that we continually sell out of our designs, we do this for a reason: as much as we're able, we want to not contribute excess waste to this world. this is also why we don't include specialty boxes or packaging with our orders, even tho literally every piece of small business advice recommends doing this for improving brand recognition/customer retention. for us, even tho it might generate more sales, it's not worth it to generate more waste. it's a very small thing, but over thousands and thousands of orders over the years it builds up.

[saintavangeline]

hi! i hope it won't come off as nosy, but i got really interested when you said you've been diagnosed with bipolar, and adhd on top of it... mainly because i have adhd, and for the past month i've been waiting to get a bipolar diagnosis confirmed, since my psychiatrist is suspecting it. i don't know anyone who has it and it feels a bit lonely to sail this boat, would it be okay if i asked you a few questions? (feel free to skip if you don't want to answer them!)

overall i just wanted to ask, what are your main symptoms and how does your adhd get worse with experiencing episodes? & are you able to experience remission with your current treatment (that's mostly for adhd, if i remember it correctly)? and also i just want to quickly say im insanely proud of you for managing to survive, and, despite all the difficulties, still finding your voice in music 🤍🤍

Hi! I don't mind these questions at all - I know firsthand how isolating and difficult it is to navigate these illnesses and especially when you're waiting on a formal diagnosis. Having adhd and bipolar (and in my case.. also a recent autism diagnosis) together can be incredibly difficult, but on the plus side, people with these disorders usually have some of the most creative minds in our society. So.. yay to that part of it's any consolation!

1. My main symptoms are lethargy/fatigue, ruminating, anxiety, issues with starting and completing tasks, impulsivity, memory issues/forgetfulness, poor time management and keeping a routine, mood swings, and (this is one I feel so so awful about and I'm trying so hard to work on) changing topics mid convo/interrupting.

2. When I experience episodes, I definitely feel like my ADHD exacerbates my symptoms. When I'm manic, I am go-go-go, do not eat for days, possessed and riddled with creativity and pull all-nighters frequently. It's like I'm on some sort of bender but my drug is creating things or getting really involved in a special interest or hobby. I'm also able to get a lot done and accomplish things I normally struggle knocking out. When I reach my depression cycle, ADHD paralysis keeps me immobilized on my couch or in my bed for sometimes entire days. I struggle to even get up and bathe.

3. Unfortunately no, I have not experienced remission. However, I will say that taking stimulants has helped numb out bad feelings when I'm low, and somewhat stabilizes me during mania. I don't feel AS extreme of mood shifts when I'm on stimulants, but it doesn't completely stop my symptoms.

4. I have tried other medications for treating bipolar in the past, and I have had horrible experiences with all of them, and some new trauma around coerced medication so finding something that will work is currently off the table for me in terms of drugs. I advise you be careful and trust your gut with whatever you're given. If you feel like something is wrong, you DO NOT have to keep taking it. And don't let anyone pressure you otherwise.

And thank you so much! Life has been incredibly hard and sometimes I am genuinely fighting for it, but my mania cycle is about to kick in finally (it always does around this time of year) and I'm ready to kick off LOL

I wish you the best of luck in your mental health journey, and props to you for advocating for yourself 🤍

[qumiiiquinnquin]

what is something you did as a child that you still often do as an adult?

for me, it is playing pretend.

ive always played pretend, since i was little. it was always my favorite game, getting to assume the personality of your favorite character, and make up a story either by yourself, with your sibling(s), or with your friend(s). i always did it, regardless of setting, and regardless if my sibling or friends wanted to play with me.

when i say i played pretend regardless of setting, that is not an exaggeration. i played it just about everywhere - at school during recess and in class, at home, at the store, in restaurants, when travelling, even in some serious situations i would resort to pretending. it always felt so easy to do. it never felt hard to assume a personality and slip into the skin of a character, regardless of my surroundings.

it was not always an outward "im [character], that is why i am behaving and acting differently," oftentimes i would play pretend subtly too. you probably wouldnt have noticed i was pretending at all unless i told you, or you picked up on any slight exaggerations in my tone of voice or actions. at most you probably wouldve just thought i was a bit showy, a bit excited, a bit dramatic, and certainly a little weird.

it was my favorite game, but i think it was a coping mechanism. im not sure at what point it did become a coping mechanism, but at least when i was younger than 10 years old. around certain relatives i would pretend more. those imaginary places in my head felt more safe than the environments i was in, and is also why i would space out more too. a lot of the time, i would resort to pretending without thinking, like it was just an automatic reaction.

those imaginary places and assuming the personality of a character became my reality. i did it so often. sometimes i would keep pretending when i shouldnt have, but when relatives were very angry with me or were physically/verbally abusing me, i couldnt pretend anymore. i never knew what to do but become silent and freeze since reality reality was now staring me dead in the face, and my own reality that always was my safe place was now gone and couldnt be retreated to. reality reality always felt scary, unwelcoming and bleak as a result, and once it felt safe to do so i would go back to pretending after several hours or a day. pretty much an endless cycle for a grand majority of my childhood. i often got accused of never taking those moments seriously or infuriating relatives further when i would become unresponsive, but even now i am unsure what i couldve done.

i still pretend even though i am 19, i kind of have to now just to feel satisfied every day. if i dont, i feel really anxious and antsy, and when that happens, sometimes i jump right into pretending without thinking or hesitation, almost like a automatic trigger of some sort. i have had it happen where i will be stressed and suddenly, without thought, mimic a random character that comes to mind, generally an action of theirs. it takes more effort to stop pretending and focus when that happens. but, most of my pretending is still often something i do a majority of the time without thinking or by choice in the same way as when i was little. though, ive noticed i alter between characters and personalities a lot quicker sometimes, like i panic what identity to choose from. sometimes i assume one right after the other in quick succession or assume multiple at the same time. i didn't do this that much at all when i was little.

needing to pretend all the time is a bit frustrating, for the longest time (even as a young child) i could not easily tell you who i am. i know my name and identity but it doesnt feel like my own, i know what my life has been like and my lived experiences but it feels like a made-up story, i know what i am seeing and doing every day but it feels like none of it processes. in the past few years, i ended up developing a really bad fear of forgetting because i never feel grounded or with reality reality. i try so hard to take in the world around me wherever i am, but i always worry none of it is actually processing or registering in my brain, and i will just quickly forget everything i just saw. i feel stuck in my bubble, which has led to moments like having a lot of moments of nearly getting hit by vehicles because i am not paying attention. i have tried to pay more attention and stay out of my reality, but even when i try i always end up coming back without meaning or trying to.

i feel like ive had to prove to myself that i exist, since i hate being reminded of reality reality and would do things like avoid mirrors or not look at photos of myself. i think this is why i have been drawing myself a lot more lately, to show myself that i really am alive and have an identity, and if i remember what i actually look like.

but at the same time, i want to keep pretending. again, i kind of have to in my day to day anyways. it's like a crutch of some sort. it makes me happy. i enjoy assuming the personalities of my favorite characters, i love to see life through their eyes. there's comfort and joy in pretending, though it's difficult for me to explain. even if it became a simple game to a coping mechanism and a crutch, all those personalities and characters kind of make me whole and who i am.

[ladytauria]

1, 7, 19, and 32 for the ask game please! ❤️❤️

aaah i forgot i hadn't answered this! i thought i had, whoops ^^;

i'm pretty sure these are from the weird asks for writers 🤔 so hopefully im right, lmao

1: What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

I use Crimson Pro; it's a free font I found on Google Fonts, lmao. However, I tend to cycle through fonts. One will capture my attention for a while and then I'll change it again. I do tend to prefer serif fonts at the moment, but I also had a phase where I wrote in nothing but Calibri!

That said, if I can't use my preferred font for whatever reason, I don't mind using either the default font or the closest one I can find in their offerings. The most important thing to me is generally paragraph spacing; I don't like trying to write with a wall of text, and I also don't like having to hit enter twice because I don't enjoy cleaning that up when I go to paste anywhere dfghjkl

7: What is your deepest joy about writing?

I looove when I come up with a satisfying turn of phrase or metaphor! Or just... playing with words in general; puzzling out how to describe things or how someone would phrase what I want them to say. This is also what I sometimes find the most difficult & exasperating too, though xD

19: Tell me a story about your writing journey. When did you start? Why did you start? Were there bumps along the way? Where are you now and where are you going?

I've been writing since I was small. I remember using construction paper to make a picture book about a dog who---if I remember right?---became a superhero, lol. I also remember using a previous year's calendar to create a picture book as well; trying to find a narrative to string through the pictures they used for each month. (It was a horse calendar, if you're curious.)

I don't have either of those anymore, but.

However, I would say that my writing journey actually started when I was 10-11. My parents had set-up a family/kids computer in the living room, and I basically lived on it dfghjkl I started writing my first book. It wasn't great and the concept was ripped off from the Inheritance Cycle since I was obsessed with it at the time. The second was a little more original xD

Mm... And then a couple years later I was working on something different and decided to look for a place to post it. I found FanFiction.Net, which wasn't really the right place, but it DID get me started writing fic. And THEN after a few years of that I decided to seriously focus on original fiction again, because it's always been my dream to publish, lol.

Where am I now... I'm very happy with my writing voice. I can read over my stuff and only cringe at the occasional typo or wonky phrase, which is really nice. I'm still working toward getting published... in theory. I've been putting off revising/refining/rewriting my first draft, lmao.

32: What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

This is a hard one to answer 🤔 While I do tend to find phrases and such that I like, I don't know that I return to them specifically a lot. It's more a whole body of work dfghjk

Hmm...

Oh! Okay. So, I used to read a lot of fanfic for the anime Ghost Hunt. And there's this one fic, Beneath the Lilac Tree, which has a scene in it that I just ADORE. Two brothers, twins, are eating dinner together at a hotel and as they're conversing, they---switch plates? Offer the other food off their plate? It's been a while and I don't remember the specific action BUT it stuck with me? And I think about it all the time. It struck me as just this lovely moment of familiarity and intimacy, and I remember coming back to that fic and rereading it a lot, in part for that scene xD

Thank you so much for asking!!

[mariska]

sad progressive disability ramble under the read more sorry for using this blog as a public health diary again it's just been. A Lot. and i don't currently have the body strength to physically write in my journal with a pen/pencil

been like three days in a row now i think where i have been forcibly woken up because my left leg, specifically my calf and thighs and toes but mostly calf, went into a sudden severe So Painful That You Can't Even Scream About It And Just Kind Of Sob And Groan Involuntarily dystonia attack while i was still asleep and then it just continues lingering as really bad super tight muscle pain for the rest of the day even with the help of multiple prescription meds i have that very slightly help prevent another full-on dystonia attack. im so tired. its been like this for a very large portion of my life but it used to happen like once or twice a year before this year and now i'm getting lucky if it doesn't happen more than once a week. on top of the reproductive organ system pain that has gotten so bad this whole year too that i essentially no longer have any days in a month where i am not experiencing Extreme debilitating pain and cramps and am pretty much just On My Period in some part of the whole cycle thing 24/7.

i am like. im just. im too tired dude. i really think i've reached a point so far beyond any kind of pain threshold limit of what i can deal/live with at this point it's absolutely terrifying. i'm trying so so so hard to "take it one day at a time" but i can't even take it one hour at a time or 5 minutes at a time it feels like my body is legitimately completely failing on me. i wish i could remember what it felt like being somewhat less physically disabled when i was a kid thru my tweens and very early teens. that feels like a completely different person and life separated from my present day self now. i used to wake up without a nausea inducing headache sometimes. i can't even imagine what that must have been like.

genuinely sorry to be making bummer posts on here about my health decline, tried to tell myself yrs ago that i should probably not do that cause i truly do not want to make anyone else feel miserable reading my life updates that are very much not positive and filled with health related fear. it's just like. god, ok, im sorry again in advance i don't mean for this to sound at all defeatist or completely pessimistic, but in a purely logical This Is Just What Every Day Of Life Has Been For Me way i feel like i'm running out of time. in general. in life. very specifically because of how fast everything has declined with my health this whole year and the past few months specifically. i keep going to sleep whenever im able to in the middle of the night feeling absolutely terrified that my body will just suddenly fail on me totally while i'm sleeping and i'll just die. i cannot stress enough how much I Do Not Want That To Happen To Me At The Age Of 27 but like. wtf am i supposed to do. about all of this. im already doing the max of whatever i can, i have dr's appointments scheduled as scared as i am about actually going to them for multiple reasons, i have medications prescribed to me that do help a bit with my more muscle and connective tissue related pain problems, im trying so hard to keep it together (mostly for my moms honestly because they love me and care about me way more than i love or care about myself but thats just The Severe Clinical Depression speaking or whatever) but it doesn't matter because my body refuses to try with me anyways. i am. so. tired. i don't think any amount of rest or naps or sleep will ever improve how tired i feel all the time ever again truly. i think its just This Tired And Exhausted And Burned Out Forever Now. i am. indescribably sad.

[foor-beem]

its my birthday i'll cry if i want to

like, i know why my depression surges around my birthday, but like on a cosmic scale WHY does my depression have to surge around my birthday?? when i was a kid/teen i swore to myself that i'd die before i turned 30, and was so serious about that for years that i went so far as to make a countdown on my google calendar to remind me of how many years i had left the night before my birthday

thankfully im not as set on that as i used to be, but man living like that for the past 15 years has so deeply done a number on me that even tho ive long since deleted that yearly reminder i just fuckin spiral in the weeks sandwiching my birthday

and too just like. ive still got my myriad of problems but i was doing so much better, better than ive been in YEARS. im in love, im surrounded by friends who show that they care about me and for the first time in a long time im actually starting to believe they do. but hee hoo another year around the sun and my fuckin sisyphus ass over here just rolling back into my goddamn pit and ive kinda forgotten how to handle these serious lows

ive always struggled really hard with feeling like a burden, and i know my trauma around the vicious cycle of hiding my suffering to be palatable/suffering more alone/finally breaking and telling someone/being scolded for making everything about me that i lived in for years makes it really difficult for me to make progress, even tho the person who perpetuated that is no longer in my life

as always i dont really know why im talking about this here,, getting shit off my chest i guess. i'd talk to my irl friends about all this but its also one of their birthdays this weekend and i didnt want to ruin the party we had yesterday, nor do i want to make this whole weekend about me and rain on her parade. idk. i know i will feel better in a few weeks but i guess im just kinda disappointed in myself that i keep doing this. i'll be fine

happy birthday to me

[nymphfette]

btw- I’ve been doing better with my health 💖 autoimmune issues/thyroid issues and pcos all made extremely worse by stress- ptsd and also the other way around. Just a vicious cycle I was in. Still am in but have made a lot of progress since I was first dealing with absolute daily hell that started about a year or so ago.

Oh and I was also diagnosed with agoraphobia. Ive had PTSD for a few years now but the recent health issues obviously made it worse and so I developed agoraphobia :))))) it got so bad, I would barely leave my house (my safe safe) for longer than an HOUR at time, once a day. Couldn’t be on a car ride for longer than 10 minutes without freaking out, hyperventilating, heart beating out of my chest, sweating my ass off and sometimes puking my guts out. I was terrified to get in a car and if I had to go somewhere that I knew was a long car ride (10 mins or more) id have such a hard time. And there were times were I’d be doing alright on a longer ride, like 30 mins and I’d think I was like 20 mins in and there was only 10 more minutes I had to go and I’d look at google maps and see there was 15 minutes instead of 10 minutes…..I’d genuinely lose it. Over 5 extra minutes. Genuinely freak out. It was hell. It was no way to live.

I still am struggling with it but I’ve been trying really hard to get better. Health wise- I have a lot of it under control. I barely have flare up attacks anymore. My hypothyroidism is in check. My pcos symptoms are still a bit haywire but I’m working on that, the priority was the autoimmune and thyroid and the just constant inflammation all over. Everywhere. My wbc is only about 1000 over normal right now which is Iike nothing compared to what it was and is a huge improvement. Medications and supplements I’m on have been a big help along with the autoimmune protocol diet- it’s a VERY strict diet and I did it for a few months and once it helped get things in check, I was able to slowly introduce a more “normal” diet into my life but still keeping away from gluten and added sugars, too much starch and too much dairy.

So yeah my health health has gotten a lot better and I’ll continue to work on it keep it that way. My mental health is better as well- like, now I can go out for like 3 hours a day without losing my mind and can do like 30 minute car rides before I start to have bad panic attacks and agoraphobia attacks. I know that still sounds bad but compared to what it was…… barely could do 10 mins…. 5 mins being the preferred… it’s a huge improvement. Still have bad PTSD/Agoraphobia attacks here and there and My autistic burnout and sensory issues and then like general anxiety is still very high but again, it has been improved and I’m continuing to work on it.

I’ve been given the okay to go back to work but work from home job like I’ve done before. I can’t work outside my home right now without putting all the exposure therapy and DBT and work and etc etc at risk, I’m not ready for that yet, and I agree with my dr. That will come in time.

SO, the past month I’ve been looking for remote/work from home positions and man, I’ve been having a rough time, and before had health issues and stuff and was off work and stuff a year or so ago, I had lots and lots of experience and my resume for the telehealth and benefits customer support field is great. I know I’m a great candidate, have great references and I never ever had an issue finding a job before, let alone getting an interview. I know the past few months I’ve been hearing ppl in my country Canada especially talk about how hard it is to get a job right now and man, they weren’t kidding were they?

It sucks I have a limit on what I can do right now…..and I really want to get back to work not only to help myself and get back into a normal life and routine but also bc financially, the income I receive through disability literally covers my BASE BASE BASE needs and that’s it, and I mean that’s fucking it. Of course im thankful I have that bc when I was waiting for it when I first got really sick, that was not easy. That was hell but it would be nice to have a LITTLE bit of pocket money to be able to buy a couple things for myself now and then, you know? I can’t even get my skincare products for my skincare routine I’ve had for years and years anymore :((( & they weren’t crazy expensive products lmao. All of the products in the routine probably totalled like hmm MAX $80 and I’d only need to replace them like every 3 months??? So yeah lol. & also, it’s fall now and I need a new fall coat and I can’t even go to the thrift store and get like a $30 peacoat (which is what I want lol- I love my peacoats) SO YEAH, I WANT A JOB AGAIN!!! & working in the contact center field for telehealth or benefits, was a decent job. Perfectly suited to my needs and even more so now, so yeah- I hope I’ll be hearing back from someone soon!!!

[littlespoonevan]

Ciara!! you are so real for that tag 'i just wanna be hELD' like???? relationships were never a necessity in my life,,hell,,im 28 and like never had one actually and it never truly bothered til this year. I feel embarrassed for not having anyone in my life ever and start to think that maybe I have some kind of a problem? because yes I haven't actively searching for it but also nobody offered anything? showed any interest?idk? and these days all I want is just to be held. I wanna come to a home where im 100% me. I'm sorry dumbing this on you I am thinking about it a lot these days and seeing your post and tags was like universe screaming at me or sth

oh bud, you are absolutely not dumping this on me!!! i'm nodding along vigorously with everything you're saying!!!!

i've been in one relationship (which was bad for So many reasons and certainly was not romantically fulfilling in any way) and i've dated a little but the true, genuine affection that comes with being loved by someone is just......not something i've ever experienced lol.

and i think when talking about it online a lot of the time the legitimate reasons some people have for wanting to be in a relationship sort of get brushed off in a 'you don't need a relationship to be happy!!!! romantic love isn't everything!!!! be proud to be alone!!!!' kind of way. and i mean. like you said, i'm fine on my own generally. it doesn't bother me. and i don't need a relationship to be happy.

but also. i'm still allowed to want one?????? why shouldn't we get to fall in love, u know??? or find that happiness and love and affection with somebody????? why should i have to settle for being alone when most of the world isn't????

and y'know, re the age thing, i think it's a vicious cycle bc the older you get, the more it maybe feels embarrassing to reveal your lack of experience with relationships so it can make you back out of dating someone before things get serious but then that just means going Even Longer without having those experiences askjdfh i have yet to work through that issue myself lol

also. i know dating apps have been very helpful in one way but in another i feel like they have rUINED dating culture bc it feels like now you do have to be actively looking in order to date anyone. (i am so firmly against the whole 'it'll happen when you least expect it' thing that is highkey not true anymore askjdfh) but my experience of those apps is just everything feeling so formulaic and like you're ticking boxes of the same basic conversation you have with multiple different people while also swiping past people you could potentially really like bc all you're seeing is a few pics and whatever info they've decided to reveal in their bio (which is usually extremely limited). and in general, i think they really don't benefit people who prefer knowing someone in person/being friends first before dating (like me)

but yeah tl;dr. it's really hard sometimes, when i've had a bad day or i'm stressed, to know if one of my friends felt like that they can go home to partners who'll hold them and comfort them and make their day better without having to be asked. and i just....go home, pick myself back up, and carry on. it would just be nice to not have to deal with everything on my own, y'know?????

relationships certainly aren't everything and not all of them are good but also i would like someone to take care of me now, thanks 🥺

[iliana-the-dreamer]

a message for ed tumblr

to anyone who cares to read - (ed tw)

my girlfriend is my everything. i think she might be the love of my life. she matters to me more than anything else in the world.

over the last few years my mental illnesses have progressed and trauma ive experienced continues to affect me every day. it is really difficult to see an end in sight.

im trying to get into therapy… i haven’t spoken to a therapist since i was in middle school and im nearly 21 now. im trying to work it out with my mom. its been a long time coming. i promised my gf this a long time ago and i need to follow thru on a promise for once in my life this matters more than anything.

i want to graduate college on time. i have been plagued by the fear that my ed and depression will stop me from doing so.

it is so so hard to focus on my future when i feel utterly stuck in my past.

fights with my gf leave me hating myself because i don’t understand why i can’t just get better, recover and be normal. i don’t understand why i have no motivation some days to fight for a better life and am helpless. i am trapped. ive been trapped by the seemingly never-ending pain in my brain and body since 2019.

the symptoms of my ed are severe. i also have chronic illness (diagnosed pots, some other shit autoimmune issues and potentially ehlers danlos, although i have heard that both are associated with eating disorders, scary as that is). i have chronic fatigue and small fiber nerve pain.

i have been around ~10 lb or so underweight on avg for the majority of the past 16 months. im cold all the time. ive lost so much normal control over my bladder and bowels. my brain fog makes it impossible to focus on anything. im miserable. i want my old brain back and i want my life back. i still don’t think of myself as sick enough but the truth is that i never will.

i need to recover.

my body is tired. tired of being mistreated by me. i am (mostly) sh free for almost two years (in january). that is an accomplishment. i need to fight harder against my self-destructive personality.

im in my shitty dorm bed next to my sleeping gf. i know that i need to get better for her. she deserves better. she has brought my greater joy than i had ever known before. i don’t want to imagine my life without her in it with me. she has told me many times that she can’t stay with me if i keep getting worse. she is supporting me in getting better and now is the time. i can’t keep putting it off, i can’t keep letting everyone else pass me by while i put off trying to make a better life for myself. i deserve to eat. every day i deserve to eat. i need to tell myself this every day even though i won’t always believe it.

i have the irrational fear that i won’t stop gaining weight forever. it is irrational. i need to find the weight that my body is happy at because as it stands i don’t know what that is but i know it isn’t where im at now.

i know that i need to fight for myself and for my health to make things right. i fear losing my love more than anything else - much more than gaining weight, even more than death. i don’t think i can forget the look in her eyes as she begged me to stop starving myself. i can’t live with the guilt of hurting her as i hurt myself. i have to break the relapse cycle, i know that i might relapse over and over but i have to try to keep going no matter what. i want a better life for myself and for her.

it is never worth it to do this to yourself. being skinny won’t make you happy. most days i don’t like what i see in the mirror and some days its like i don’t even recognize myself. suffering like this isn’t worth it. that voice in your head wants you to slowly k*ll yourself. you know it’s true. i want to choose to fight it every day for the rest of my life or else i know i can’t truly be happy. if anyone is reading this and needs help or wants to talk please message me.

love iliana

[br1ghtestlight]

20 questions for fic writers

1. How many works do you have on Ao3

23

2. What’s your total word count?

109,996

3. What fandoms do you write for?

bob's burgers, inanimate insanity and there's like one steven universe fic in there. i have written for other fandoms in the past but not on that account lol (and mostly unpublished)

4. Top 5 fics by kudos

zeke running away fic, genderfluid gene fic, louise hat fic, bob mom fic, tinimmy week fic (the problem with naming all my fanfics after really long complicated song lyrics is that i simply will not actually call the fanfictions by their Actual Name. also not linking them bcuz im lazy)

5. Do you respond to comments?

i always try to respond to comments but tbh people dont comment on my work very often?? i also dont reply to comments on my old account bcuz i dont have access to it anymore

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i dont know if ive ever written anything angsty tbh?? thats not really my favorite thing because it makes me too sad. out of my published fanfics probably the fic about bob's mom wins by default and out of my unpublished wips uhh maybe my louise and tina focused fanfic. it has a happy ending (maybe) but its a real downer at times. or maybe my tinimmy fic is bittersweet depending on how you read it

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

maybe my fanfic where bob gets a garden LMAO or my genderfluid gene fic

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no!!! actually a secret about me in that my almost 10 years posting art fanfics etc online i have never gotten a single negative comment on anything ive made. i feel very lucky :)

9. Do you write smut?

never have and never will (nothing wrong with it in most contexts but im asexual and smut is extremely Not My Thing. i actually tried writing a smut fic once to challenge myself a few years ago and spent like 1000 words describing the way the candles were lit in their bedroom before i realized its simply not for me and thats fine)

10. Do you write crossovers?

no but if my hyperfixations ever gave me an opportunity to crossover maybe?? any bob's burgers character on the infinity train would be hilarious. any hfjone character would be heartbreaking

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

i dont remember but im gonna go with probably not

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

NO I THINK IT WOULD BE REALLY FUN but im too much of a perfectionist w/ my writing and i would be worried about dragging the other person down with me. maybe if my ocd ever gets medicated idk

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

it depends on my mood but right now i have been thinking abt tina and jimmy jr a lot. not even romantically their relationship is just so interesting. jimmy jr/zeke/tina is also great. marshall lee and gary.... bryce and liam??

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

i have like over 30+ wips so thats probably a lot of them FJDMDMSJSKS something i would love to finish at some point but probably never will is a fanfic about how bob and linda overcame the cycle of abuse with their own childhood memories vs how they are with their kids. maybe i could write that with somebody else and we each do like a chapter at a time (they write linda's memories and i write bob's etc)

16. What are your writing strengths?

people always tell me that im really good at capturing character's voices and personalities and making them feel in character?? i always want my stories to feel like something that could actually happen in-universe and make it make sense with the characters etc. i think part of this comes from working w/ my own ocs and thinking so hard about how different people express and communicate things and then applying that to other characters is easy. and bcuz of how my autism works i can memorize how a person or character constructs sentences and create new sentences inside my head in their voice :D i really pay attention to peoples speaking patterns & how they phrase things

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

probably how perfectionist i am about grammar and using certain words phrases punctuation etc that it takes FOREVER to get anything done. i also think im too wordy. i can turn a fifteen word sentence into a fifty word sentence easily which is great for essays but kinda annoying when you're reading a silly bobs burgers fanfic

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

i dont mind doing it for my ocs but to my knowledge none of the bob's burgers characters speak another language as their native language?? so i cant see it coming up in anything i write

19. First fandom you wrote for?

i dont really wanna say bcuz its embarrassing and i was pretty young LMAO but it was like youtuber fanfic on wattpad (wayy before whatever youtubers you're thinking of they were never famous)

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

hmm either my tinimmy week fic or my genderfluid gene fic it changes depending on the day. right now its my tinimmy week fanfic <3

[y0urgrl]

tw(?) talk of getting clean from self h*rm, nondescript:

in 3 days im officially going to be 4 years clean.

that is fucking INSANE to me. its crazy that its been 4 years. i had such a long journey with sh, & i havent gone back since that day in the park. im proud of myself - especially considering the fact that im in a very similar low place like i was back then. it is so hard to not go back to it. its so extremely easy, & i have been so close to relapsing the past few months, but i haven’t. i really need to give myself more props for that. it felt so impossible at one point, & you get so caught within that cycle of guilt. so every time i think about going back i remind myself of that; the heavy guilt & despair & disgust that comes along with relapsing.

i always feel a little dramatic when i think or talk about it like this, but i try to remind myself that healing is something to celebrate unapologetically. & i think the fact that i made getting clean such a big deal is apart of what helped me stay that way. i remember when i put 1 month clean in my bio on here, how good it felt when id update it every month. how it felt when i got to 2 years. now here we are at 4.

:,) if 16yro me could see me now i think shed be pretty proud too

if anyone happens to stumble across this that is struggling, there is a link at the very bottom of my pinned post that is highlighted in blue that may provide some tools to help <3

[halflifedecay]

Depressive rant about game art jobs then divulging into health anxiety. more under the cut. feel free to disregard

Depressive and negative thought: sometimes I don't think I'm cut out for professional game art.. most concept art job apps almost always say "lead" or "senior". If they don't, they require 5 or more years of experience with a shipped game under your belt. They expect you to be a wizard of 2D and 3D tools. There is just so much to learn to be an employable concept artist these days with so little time left over after working to simply give myself a few dollars. It feels almost unattainable unless I get incredibly lucky and land a gig. i just wanna draw and more importantly, learn and grow.

I have to preface that i am incredibly fortunate to live with my partner who does support my career as well as financially. I do realize i have the luxury to focus on my work even if it means it does make me much, so long as i continue to work on it. but even with luxury of time, it still a struggle to make quality portfolio work while juggling a million otherprojects and personal things.

My parents still call me on the phone asking if I've been looking for jobs, I do but these job apps are dreadful as I've mentioned. I think why bother when I don't qualify based on these requirements.

Sometimes I wish I can just do my silly little drawings for myself, and do part time jobs, but I learned the hard way, that life is not for me. I did it and I was miserable, i worked 30 hrs a week and i barely had the time or energy to give to art. i feel behind enough as it is being 27 with no job prospects I don't really possess any other discernible skills to apply to a different job. I've made and accepted the choice of making art my job, and that means i may not want to do art all the time bc i am not 100% confident in my skills all the time. im working on being more confident so i can hit the ground running on what i need to do. I can't give up, I love art and I've put so much time, passion and thought into my craft.

Aside from getting a job that allows me to do something I love, I get a salary with, hopefully, good health insurance. I don't know if this is the state of US healthcare now, but in my area, its hard to find a PCP who isn't booked into the next year, and then the first one you get an appt for, cancels on you literally 10 mintes before the scheduled time. and so ive had to wait a couple extra weeks. My health anxiety lightening up leans on doctors to tell me i am infact, not dying, and no, i dont have a tumor bc my lungs and muscles feel funny sometimes. I catatophise about my health so much, im in this vicious cycle of random symptom occuring > becoming anxious > new symptom occurs or becomes worse bc of anxiety > sometimes these symptoms go away on their own > they dont > anxiety ensues. so these past few weeks, i occassionally get this voice that tells me im gonna die bc i am not 100% okay, just waiting for the day i can see my PCP and be told whats up. this isnt the first time this has happened, and when i do get checked out, it is something pretty normal and managable. i really want to see this PCP next week, have it be not much of anything, laugh it off, and just go back to drawing in peace and heal.

but for now i have to sit with that anxiety, and think, why do i feel this way. for starters, i started with my mother being anti-vax, im not going to even get into that now, then covid; fear that i got it at some point and i didn't know it (i never had loss of taste and smell, but did get sick a few times, and my rapid and pcr tests were negative). what if i did get covid and i am experiencing long covid? hence why i have random symptoms all the time? that amougst getting older and generally being pretty uneducated about what happens to your body after 25! i eat well, i stretch, i go outside and walk, yea i could absolutely exercise more, my mental is pretty good, i have a loving and supporting partner and family, i make art for a living, im still young, breathing and still making shit, why can't i get rid of this anxiety that im in terrible health.

that is all, any more and then i start worrying about it not being rambly, fixing errors, not the point here, just want to vent.

thanks for reading.