#i will be okay im just soultired and venting

[foor-beem]

its my birthday i'll cry if i want to

like, i know why my depression surges around my birthday, but like on a cosmic scale WHY does my depression have to surge around my birthday?? when i was a kid/teen i swore to myself that i'd die before i turned 30, and was so serious about that for years that i went so far as to make a countdown on my google calendar to remind me of how many years i had left the night before my birthday

thankfully im not as set on that as i used to be, but man living like that for the past 15 years has so deeply done a number on me that even tho ive long since deleted that yearly reminder i just fuckin spiral in the weeks sandwiching my birthday

and too just like. ive still got my myriad of problems but i was doing so much better, better than ive been in YEARS. im in love, im surrounded by friends who show that they care about me and for the first time in a long time im actually starting to believe they do. but hee hoo another year around the sun and my fuckin sisyphus ass over here just rolling back into my goddamn pit and ive kinda forgotten how to handle these serious lows

ive always struggled really hard with feeling like a burden, and i know my trauma around the vicious cycle of hiding my suffering to be palatable/suffering more alone/finally breaking and telling someone/being scolded for making everything about me that i lived in for years makes it really difficult for me to make progress, even tho the person who perpetuated that is no longer in my life

as always i dont really know why im talking about this here,, getting shit off my chest i guess. i'd talk to my irl friends about all this but its also one of their birthdays this weekend and i didnt want to ruin the party we had yesterday, nor do i want to make this whole weekend about me and rain on her parade. idk. i know i will feel better in a few weeks but i guess im just kinda disappointed in myself that i keep doing this. i'll be fine

happy birthday to me