#im sorry for this post. i just needed to be heard
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you can always tell when someone doesn't have maga men in their life and god it makes me angry.. "if you're nice and compassionate you can be the one woman that makes them realize women aren't mean!" my mom bent over backwards for my dad for 25 fucking years he has plenty of other women kissing his ass and it never changed anything. do you really think that before being radicalized they never knew a single kind woman? they were never friends with a nice girl? alt-right men's problem with women isn't just that they've experienced too many mean women and they need to be shown that women can be nice, it's that they think women are inferior and don't deserve rights and don't understand anything so you can do what you want with them. and it takes a lot more than being nice to show someone that you aren't inferior. this isn't a case of being nice even when it's hard for the sake of deradicalization, it's about spending every fucking interaction with someone trying to get them to see you as a human being with value and a functioning intellect while they just laugh and show you that's never going to happen.
i cannot stress this enough: random women are not just going out and Being Mean to men. ur average guy interacts with plenty of women throughout his life- close women amongst their friends and family, casual interactions etc. most people don't start out being shunned by women, they start out being treated as NORMAL. & when they show their disrespect in normal society, it isn't tolerated, but when they go to alt-right spaces (which they're pushed towards online) they're told they're allowed to be as horrible as they want with no consequences because they're entitled to everything. it isn't "women aren't welcoming and the alt-right is so friendly so i'll become alt-right," it's "women don't let me disrespect them and the alt-right tells me fuck them, do whatever you want, you're entitled to it all" and why would you choose the group where you have to be a normal accountable person when there's a group that will reward you for being a shithead who gives no fucks?
the alt-right can afford to be more friendly and welcoming because they can allow bigotry. this can't work the same way for progressive spaces because we can be as kind & welcoming as possible but at the end of the day we have lines where we have to say "this behavior/speech isn't allowed in this space," and for certain people, that just can't win against a space where you can be as nasty as you want. these posts always end with a disclaimer saying "of course being kind doesnt mean you need to tolerate their bigotries" but what they don't realize and what drives me crazy is that women not tolerating bigotry IS the "women are mean" that radicalized them in the first place. they perceive you pushing back on any bigotry or bullshit as you being a meanie and treating them like they're ontologically evil. the 'kindness' they need to be deradicalized is you letting them walk all over you.
idk what the answer is to deradicalizing them and im sure relationships are part of it but you can be as kind as you want and all it will do is destroy you ime. i cant stand to see people (who have never even successfully deradicalized any man by being nice btw they always speak in hypotheticals and not from experience) double down on telling women to do things that will see no results and only hurt them, especially when any woman who has tried can tell you exactly how it went
#being as nasty as possible & shitting on everyone while giving no fucks makes you popular in certain spaces. that's tempting no matter what#to immature ppl. part of growing up is learning that you cant do that and real relationships need you to not do that#but that sucks. you could just ignore it and join the alt-right to be a manchild forever#if ur an asshole who wld u wanna hang out with: ur wife who says please dont be an asshole to me or ur bros who say she's a hysterical bitc#& u did nothing wrong?#if u had a maga dad/brother/uncle & u heard the way they talk about women its never abt being mean lol#it's abt how women are hysterical & sensitive & get upset at everything they do#im so sorry but a normal guy (i know & am friends with many) doesnt simply become an MRA because his girl friends made 1 men suck joke#if a guy truly has no fulfilling friendships with women or girls to the point where some feminist group 'being too mean' can radicalize him#bc he doesnt have any kind women in his life to prove that wrong. he already had issues.#you reach a certain point in your friendship with these guys where youve been SO kind and so supportive and welcoming and played therapist#for ages and then they turn around and say 'im voting trump cuz i like his personality better lol i dont care about rights and that bs'#even if you can deradicalize someone by being kind thats years of insane unreciprocated energy for ONE guy#who will end up being the person who never posts abt feminism except to say i became alt right because women were mean so be nice girls!#nobody tells anyone else to accept full blown bigots in their spaces either much less BEFRIEND them#bc nobody is expected to do this kind of service except women. <3#eat ass.
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I don't like being fictionkin, I just want to be Bendy.
Imagine being subjected to knowing you're just one of many. Let's say you're called Rob, typical human, you are yourself. But then you're forced to know and see that others are also Rob, as in you. They identify as you, or take on your appearance, like that one screenshot set with buzz lightyear on a toyshelf surrounded by others of himself. You are Rob but so is... this person ? Somehow... and then this person is Rob but is actually a seperate person despite looking exactly like you, wearing the same clothes and all.
You'd feel off. You'd likely be uncomfortable and distressed. Maybe even have an identity crisis. "Why are there so many of me ? Where's my individuality ?"
I feel like this theoretical Rob. I have countless AUs of me, some of them claiming to not be me while looking identical, or being me but looking so uncomfortably different yet similar enough. There's also doubles, but I want to specify that I'm fine with those following and who read this. It's moreso the concept of there being so many in general.
And how am I to feel when my own friend, someone who's closer to me than anyone else, who I'm intimate with, views me as one of many as well ? They view me as the original, sure, but they see others as seperate. They're the batdr ink demon and toon. They redesigned me once. They thought the version of me with a red bowtie was free game to connect with, yet it's still so obviously me. But it wasn't to them. I love them and they love me, their identities are involuntary and don't impact me daily anymore, but this entire essay type vent just. This was too much and it traumatised me. That's why I was triggered by those two for so long. They're still me, but they're not quite me, and so they attached to it. And I had to know this for every waking hour of every day of last year. It was awful and I keep wishing and hoping their identity fades, that they don't need it to cope with what they do anymore. I want us both to be happy and for me to be me. Their kin calmed down since the two split into alters at least, but it's still there and they try to ease me into it sometimes. Small references to their kin selves. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with it. I need it to fade or never be spoken to me.
I'm Bendy, but I'm not the only one. And I'm just meant to accept it.
I try my best to stay kind and understanding but it's just. So hard sometimes. Sometimes I've no choice to and I traumatise myself like I did with my friend.
It's hard being one of many and I just wish and wish that I could've been absolutely me, not just another. Not one of many.
#im sorry for this post. i just needed to be heard#vent#batim kin#fictionkin#otherkin#fictionfolk#long post
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Reminder: even if trump wins, we’ll be ok. The presidency isnt the only political position that matters, he wont be a dictator, the president doesnt have the power to remove every other part of government that keeps the president’s power in check. Also politics isnt the only thing that matters. Even if we lose some rights (which he cant singlehandedly do) we still have community, we still have activism, we’ll always be ok. We survived one trump presidency, we can survive another. We survived before gay marriage or transitioning were legal, if we have to survive that again we will. Please, no matter what happens, promise to stay alive. Youre valuable, youre important, and youre going to be ok. Its better to be overprepared than underprepared. Im not asking you to lose hope (im doing the opposite of that), im asking you to practice coping ahead, get all your coping skills ready, determine now to stay alive, because i dont want any of you to make any rash decisions later in case we get bad news and emotions are high. Make a safety plan if you need to. Make sure you’re gonna be ok
#if you cant feel hopeful or curious for the future#maybe at least you can be strategic#if we lose a bunch of marginalized (future) voters and activists we’re just handing them the majority#if you cant stay alive for yourself. stay alive for all the other marginalized people you’ll vote on behalf of next time#dont do their dirty work for them. dont kill a marginalized person even if that person is you#im sorry this post was a downer im just. really worried about the way ive heard some queer people and especially youth talking#i just wanna do whatever i can in making sure you guys are ok#if you need someone to message feel free. dm’s and asks are always open#also i disagree when people say activists are emboldened when the present is on their side#in my experience that isnt what happens? they get complacent#all the conservatives would quiet down while our own community is strengthened#like how all the conservatives got loud under biden#if anyone more eloquent than me wants to rewrite this please feel free#or just your own spin on it thats not necessarily better#i think the more people we can make sure are mentally prepared the better#just in case#lilac posts#us politics#cw suicide
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also quite obsessed with karl being as detached from the story as he is. there's nothing that makes him have to be the detective that has to be involved, but he unknowingly dooms himself by agreeing to work with the KYAL cult. every other detective basically deals with elias head on except weissman, who only meets him right before he kills him. like he's right when he says "by my choices" because everything that leads him to being mixed up with the mannix cult is himself. it's the gambling debts and the choice to do the dirty work for an organisation he knows nothing about. he's the only one that doesn't encounter that body doing police work and it's specifically because he's told to cover it up. he gets himself into the mess and eventually fixes it but the fact that esther always dies in the doomed timelines and he's always too late even if he starts wanting to change things ("till this child. esther.") it just makes me very ill
#sorry jane who heard this on her dms but now im posting it to tumblr cause im having a category 5 woman moment. AND ALTERNATIVELY:#i am also EXTREMELY obsessed with how its a time loop and the idea (so sorry tumblr user whose post i have lost and was inspired by)#weissman was just so fucking hard to deal with that they made sure that he was in their pockets. i just like the idea of the loop--#--having like. fixed points that elias would need to ensure the dystopia (body is covered up/the investigation closes/etc) but#how they get there is a slightly slower process and the earliest loops were the messiest/most unpredictable#and what we see in the show itself is like. the most streamlined version over hundreds of loops and attempts#so karl specifically. lonely that he is and determined to survive. AND with a cruel streak against people he doesn't like#kept nearly blowing their operation so they began to incorporate him in it instead#there's also another tragedy in there if /esther/ is what they realise works best against him..#just love and kindness for a girl that weissman comes to see as family and they immediately exploit it after learning during an early loop#im ignoring specific plot points here (polly seemingly panicking when esther shows up at the station) but I DO NOT CARE.#THERE'S ANGST HAPPENING RN. IM CREATING SCENARIOS TO HURT ME#now if i could write coherently this would be written as a fic but im stuck writing too long textposts#karl weissman#bodies 2023#bodies netflix#sorry to the other detectives. weissman in particular is my babygirl who i devote most of my brainpower to#personal
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WAOT WERE U THE ONE TSUKASA COSPLAYER AT MIKUEXPO GIVING OUT MIKU STICKERS TO THE PJSK FANS
THATS ME!!!!! i didn't mean to just give them to pjsk fans help but i severely underestimated how many i should've made and cut out .. so i just ended up giving them to cosplayers or people who said hi to me .... T_T
THERE'S ALSO THIS SUPER CUTE BRACELET SOMEBODY RAN UP TO ME AND GAVE ME AND I TREASURE IT SO I NEED TO ADD IT TO THE POST AND SHOW IT OFF .. WAH!!!! ITS SO CUTE LOOK!!!!!!
#again WAS NOT MY BIRTHDAY. MIKUEXPO TORONTO FELL ON TSUKASAS BIRTHDAY IN JAPAN TIME. SORRY TO EVERYONE WHO SAID HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.#i love your icon cause i saw a garf miku cosplayer at mikuexpo toronto too IT WAS SO AWESOME#i saw snother tsukasa cosplayer in hid school outfit and they had cute star glasses i Need some.#in the future n for cons i think i'll just order stickers to hand out .. cutting them out by hand was so much .....#especially when i did the whole pjsk cast. 10 or so of each of them. my best friend helped and it still took like 2 hours#<- I DID THAT FOR ANIME NORTH I MEAN i think i forgot to post about it here. anyways#i dont plan on tabling at cons or snything cause i just like attending them so much. but#In the future i think i'll just pay to get Nice little prints or stickers made and shipped to me to hand out ...#Sorry they arent actual stickers they're just laminated with tape i did them the night before while crunching for the con the week after.#alliellama#ask#sorry to go on but mikuexpo really was such a good time#when we first got there i was in the merch line w my friends and skmeone came up and said can you do the tsukasa laugh right here right now#but everything we said echo and i was like T_T no im shy ...#and then 2 hours later i heard there was a saki cosplayer there and started running around the venue shouting SAKI. SAKIII. SAKI.#WE FOUND HER IT TOOK ME LIKE 20 MINS which is impressive because there were a lot of people. by god.#it was so fun. we had such a good time i could go on. everyone was so FREAKING NICE. AND GAVE SO MANY FREEBIES. AND COMPLIMENTS.#but i literally only had like ..30 mikus. to hand out. i felt SO BAD. CONSERVING THEM.
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Does Minecraft incentivize killing golems though?
#sorry. fully besides the actual point of the post that i was reading.#but ive heard this one a couple of times now and im not sure its true?#like they're strong as fuck and iron is one of the most common resources in the game#by the time you'd be able to kill one easily you really have no need of. what is it. two i think? two smelted bars#unless theyve made a significant change since i last played which i think was only a few months ago#i just dont see it.#i kinda think that killing golems for iron is a common behavior only with a certain subset of players who Make Content#and can't actually be extrapolated out into information about how other people play or are meant to play#(for the record im not being like. over defensive of minecraft#i dont care and i agree with everything else fhat the post says which is why im vagueing#minecraft and games like it have an inherent issue as like colonialism vibes go + mojang really really should have#changed the name of this particular mob by now + strong argument to be made for reworking the villager design#i just think this particular criticism might be off base and doesn't hold true when you're looking at the Actual Game#forgot to close my parentheses hold on#)
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Creators I love you but it's time to wake up
Among rumors about our tumblr user data being sold off to Midjourney/Generative AI, recent Extremely transphobic events (that have been ongoing) coming to a head, another extremely concerning internet censorship bill being pushed in upper levels of government, and a general air of frustration over how the site belongs to and is operated by perhaps the second stupidest CEO (second only to twitters own) of our age, I'm very done with the last few vestiges of what the old internet held for artists.
And if you're reading this, you probably are too.
I know we're tired. We are all tired. It is not always viable to pack up shop and move, again and again and again.
From tumblr to twitter to anywhere else we've ever grown up posting, things no longer work. Our audiences are kneecapped by aggressive and hostile algorithms, our reach is abysmal - if we aren't shadow-banned or silenced for one (transphobic) reason or another, we're thrust into an ever growing pit of hostility where the only thing that drives clicks is fighting and contention.
We're tired. We're so fucking tired. We aren't businesses, we aren't content mills, we cannot keep this pace that modern social media has set for us, to wring every ounce of creativity out of us to profit from and leave us rotting.
The key to staying afloat here, and I cannot stress this enough, is to stay connected to your peers.
Pack up and move as units if you must. Exodus from the sites that are killing us. Push your entire friend group of artists to move from one site to the next that promises you a kinder experience.
Art drives movements, it drives change, it is all that encompasses being human. If you take that away from the shitty places, they will be left with nothing but a cesspit of inhumanity and the people who follow you will be more incentivized than ever to move with you.
Yes, this is terrifying. There are no guarantees. There never was, and never are, and never will be.
But stay connected. Stay human.
Support each other and be willing to hold hands and jump when we all - as a group - need to jump from the flames we're all trying to convince ourselves wont kill us before rescue comes.
Rescue isn't coming, rescue will be found hand in hand with each other. I'm offering you my hand, please take it. There's always a new start, there are always helping hands reaching for you. You have to look up from the doom-scroll long enough to see and take them.
#art communities#art community#teo talks#sorry I have a Lot of opinions about posting art online I've been doing this since I was 14 and I'm 28 this year#I have watched the rise and fall of social media titans and you have to understand the ONLY thing that will keep you afloat#is keeping connected to your peers#we have to move as units and we have to stay together and we have to support each other#your following is not stability. your friendships are.#thats why you hear about networking. thats ceo talk for friendships. connections.#you have to have enough connections to build your own support web on the chance that everything goes to shit. yes its hard work. it sucks.#but it is a necessity. twitter isn't getting better. its not going back to how it was. neither is DA or tumblr. its not happening.#If you put all your eggs in one or two precarious baskets and both fall. you will be shit out of luck! thats reality#there is hope to be found but you have to be realistic and understand that you NEED to build up a presence elsewhere. even if its hard.#I want to help you if I can!!!! bluesky is a really solid twitter alternative!!!#ive heard good things about cohost as a tumblr alternative!!!!#sheezy and inkblot are both indie sites currently being developed by and for other creatives. support them!#they won't be perfect until - and UNLESS - you do!#anyways sorry I will step off my soapbox now Im just frustrated with the state of everything
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need y'all to realize tme doesn't mean transmasc. tme doesn't even mean afab (and the idea that tma people are attacking tme people for their agab is extremely transmisogynist) a cis man is tme. a cis woman is tme. transneutral people who are afab, amab, and intersex are mostly likely tme. intersex people can be tme or tma. tme just means Transmisogyny exempt. i'm tme. my parents are tme. You are just making it endlessly harder for tma people to talk about their oppression because you think every time they say tme they're attacking transmascs. maybe if you gave a fuck about tma people you wouldn't nitpick their language. just saying.
edit: i deleted my previous edit because i realized i was being stupid as hell.
#transmisogyny#ideal.txt#when i first heard the terms i was also confused and thought it was just a fancy new way of saying afab/amab#but it isnt!#if u put more than two seconds of thought into it you realize its just a tool to talk abt transmisogyny!#if you hate the terms you need to examine why exactly its a problem for you for it to be easier for tma people to talk about#their oppression#i understand if u dont want to put “tme” in your bio. if it feels too much like “afab” to you. i dont like it in my bio either#so i just put transmasc so ppl know im tme anyway!!#and if youre not talking abt transmisogyny or trans topics as a whole then you really dont need it#but if you are its important for people. especially tma people.#to know if your posts are coming from someone who is affected by transmisogyny#it changes the conversation. some things are different to hear from a tma person than a tme person#just like if youre talking about race its best to clarify if you are not someone affected by racism#if i as a white person make a post abt racial topics its very important to anyone reading to know that that is not something#that i have any firsthand experience with. and the way i talk abt things like that would obvious be affected.#anyway sorry for ranting i know this post has definitely been made 500 times before but im very annoyed#tme/tma
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how i feel about TBYS causing a shockwave effect of everyone dogpiling on and harassing Illymation and spreading extremely easily disprovable and malicious misinformation about her and putting her in a lot of danger for literally no legitimate reason
#big rant in the tags incoming hold on to your hats:#i swear drama commentary youtubers are actually some of the most dense people on the fucking planet#like holy SHIT i have never seen a bigger display of collective stupidity than every drama commentary grifter harping on illy based on shit#-she didn't even say that they heard from a guy who sounds like budget ben shapiro. how are you that dense. like how. actually how.#it's just a big stupid game of idiot telephone with how much basic shit people are getting wrong because they heard it whispered from-#-another person. istg if i have to see ONE more person say that ''oh but she's encouraging obesity'' ''oh but she said [thing she literally#-didn't say]!!!'' im going to SCREAM. i am going to throw my phone against the wall if i see one more malicious misinterpretation of a-#-basic statement that even a fucking doorknob could understand with more grace and nuance than these idiots#i swear to god this is all so STUPID#drama commentary youtube is where basic reading comprehension and common sense go to die. it is the 10th circle of internet hell-#-just below 4chan.#anyway rant over glad i got that out of my system.#i hope illy is doing well and that she and her partner and her cats are safe <3#sorry for being so angry. this whole situation literally makes my blood boil and i'm so upset that an innocent person got put in danger-#-because of some nerd emoji sounding wackass blatantly lying about her and being a dickhead#this is the first and last post i'll ever make about internet drama (unless something really REALLY funny happens) i just needed an outlet-#-to scream into for a few minutes#drama commentary youtubers delete their entire channels and leave the internet right now challenge#shitpost#youtube drama
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obsessed w my friend. i named her jackie i think forever ago lolol one of the film girlz. anyway her not letting sam get a word in last night when we had to record a little podcast together for a project. he was sooooooooooo mad
#we were Chatting...#and look first yes it's cause he naturally kept just trying to talk over/through us and she would just keep going. yay<3 and then like#she just wouldnt let him talk for more than like. i wld say 30 seconds tops but thats like barely#esp bc he just kept going back to like Well and ahahahaa so quirky fact about me is i was hit by a car#girl we've heard all these stories already including the professor and it barely has to do with our topic why are we doing this#and then after me and jackie are talking abt that one insane prof who like on top of needing ketamine injections is just not a great#person hes such a character. but talking abt how he seems to be struggling to keep up w um. post metoo life and just like women#being any more than assistants in the industry. and after like a Whilllle of this conversation w examples of shit he's said that we had to#report lololol sam goes... 'and he's also a misogynist.' hello? melania clip#abby talks#later tried to corner me abt doing a roadtrip w him and his gayass bestie to see the eclipse. like me saying Oh idk#and then him being like oh do u want me to look at tickets for u etc. girl im sorry if i do anything im going home...
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Oddly enough I feel more comfy anxietyposting here instead of twitter so uh. I preface this with Yes I’m A Grown Adult but I am irrationally anxious about This :’)
#i'm 26 coming on 27 and not had my wisdom teeth pulled and every year that passes by the thought of it freaks me out#main reason is because they never gave me issues or pain and anytime i saw a dentist they said it's likely i don't need them pulled#but as i get older it's like. is this the year they're going to start giving me problems?? should i have just bit the bullet and got them#out when i was younger despite them not giving me issues?? which in itself is terrifying because#everyone i know who's got the procedure talks about how awful it is and how much pain you're in for weeks afterwards and it's like hhhhhh#i'd rather not go through that much pain if i don't have to yknow? but also *do* i know if i don't have to? what if by the time i find out i#need to get them out it's too late? i've heard the procedure is more risky if you do it at an older age (though dont know how true this is)#like i think about this an irrational amount despite my wisdom teeth not affecting my life at all :')#but yeah...sorry for bein anxious outta the blue here; i don't post here much but it's still in a lot of ways where im most comfy Rambling
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"redrawing that mlm ship as wlw is actually misogynistic and a cover for people who don't care about women to make them look like they love yuri-" okay +L +ratio +who cares +one hundred million years transfem t4t yuri beam go
#i actually blocked someone today#by the way they dont follow me im not vagueposting about any of you dont worry#project sekai fandom “fEmiNiSM” pisses me off so bad i need to start blocking more#why does your feminism consist solely of hating on male characters. dude if there are so little anhane fics compared to ruikasa then#how#about#you#write#fucking anhane fics#how.#about.#you.#make.#more.#ANHANE POSTS.#i dont think anybody in this fandom has ever heard of anything else other than fucking complaining#sorry for cursing and making aggressive tags this has just sat on my mind for too fucking long and it makes me so angry#im sorry i need to like. rant somewhere. where other people can see#i might delete this later if people start arguing about it <3#anyway. i saw a stupid post. nice transphobia guys
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some hard Council Truths one (I. Me.) must come to terms with...
there are always more council members than you think
if you think the dissociation is not "doing its job and helping you function", you are wrong. it is. yes, believe it or not, things would be worse
you are probably forgetting and losing more time than you think
yeah it was probably that bad. if you think you are over-exaggerating, chances are you are actually under-exaggerating
#milgran't#council posting#personal posting#ig#something ''small'' just happened and kinda broke my last straw so im succumbing to Posting. my deepest apologies /lh#been mulling over this the past few days or so.#i was thinking to myself that 2nd and 4th point and i pretty clearly heard something like ''no. you have no idea. trust me.''#and i was just like. tails reaction meme. heavy sweating. oh! ok! that wasnt ominous at all! thanks!#internal communication is usually never that clear#wow who knew working in therapy on internal communication would actually give results like having clearer internal communication!#not me thats for sure#god i have a HEADACHEEEEEE#mikoto was RIGHT. ATAMA GA ITAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#acetaminophen come here kitten. daddy has a headache again#usually i just shrug it off like god intended but i need to sleep.#sorry sometimes i think about amane when i take pain killers.#like... wow... my religious upbringing was not nearly as strict as hers about Medicine and Science#and yet.. even almost 10 years later... i still find myself feeling bad taking them at times. and wanting to avoid them.#so it just fucks me up like. god. then how much would Amane struggle with this....#every thought must devolve into amane and/or mikoto thoughts. thank you
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Its one of those nights were you have to listen to Yugioh 5Ds OST and let all of your neurons activate at once
#its 4am rn and im sobbing over hopeless battle they put autism in that song#and looming threat def one of the osts ever#ough i love yugioh 5ds (said in a normal and allistic way)#i should sleep i have to celebrate christmas later (at 8pm so its okay)#anyways this is a#yugioh 5ds#music appreciation post (2 tracksL#but i could gush HOURS ABOUT how much they add to the duels specifically (and i know thats what ost is supposed to do)#(and i know its probably just yugioh being my sp/in cause otherwise i dont listen to music much)#but#oooooo my god guys.#its so oved for me#random ramble#twt heard me talk about this already but i needed to get it out again.#ah so sorry
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i havent seen my closest friends in a few weeks and it’s mostly my fault…idk im just really not in a good mental state rn im unfortunately falling back into a depressive/suicidal state again. My most loved and cherished friends are very successful (rightfully so) and though they are extremely supportive, loving, caring, and genuine towards me, i can’t help but think that i bring nothing to the table as of rn. I know that friendship isn’t transactional and that they’d never treat me as someone disposable just because of my shortcomings and will always support me as best as they could, but my insecurities are literally taking over LOL. I just feel really embarrassed bc we all started at the same time and they’re exactly where they should be while I’m still behind, waiting for things to start looking up for me. I don’t have anything new to say like they usually do and I know that I can’t really relate to their experiences. I’m just not on the same page as them. None of them make me feel alienated or isolated by any means, they believe in me more than I believe in myself actually, I just feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I want to be at the same place as they are but I’m not right now and I just feel really embarrassed about it. Forcing myself to stay home on days off is how I’m coping rn.
#personal#lol sorry emotional post#2023 is just starting off rough…i still have hope but now i know what they meant when they said hope is a dangerous thing to have lol#[they- the unknown deity]#my best friend sends me any and every position she comes across (that aligns w my field) for post grad and is very supportive#but i just feel so sad bc my brain literally keeps telling me that i dont deserve to have these beautiful friendships bc im not on their#level and it’s literally eating away @ my brain#i know im still in college and should just solely focus on finishing up this semester#but this is my last semester iA so i have no choice but to worry about employment post grad#my internship managers are looking thru my resume and said theyd connect me to some ppl but havent heard back from them yet :(#i think i feel this way bc my family treats me very differently now#like i can feel their disappointment and they make sure to mention it too#but im not a bum LOL the only thing i want and need from this world is success! aka a corporate job that pays me six figures
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After days of fighting my impulse control I have finally caved in and bought Baldur's Gate 3. Ive also taken a few days off, completely unrelated, but now as soon as that game is finally on my pc? Yeah... Will probably do absolutely nothing from the list of things I was supposed to do on those mentioned days off 🙈
#personal#video games#raksh posts#curse that sarcastic asshole with traumatic past vampire elf#how dare he be tailored so damn perfectly as if for me Specifically!!#I saw him and Knew and promised myself I Wouldn’t fall for it but then I heard Astarion's VA in action and fell all the way in#I wanna BITE him and smother him eith affection and I dunno how Im gonna do that but damn me if I won’t#its gonna be a hell of a thing prob too with a more morally-good leaning character but oh well#the game looks just so damn fun too#Ive been watching a gameplay and my brain's been Whirring with ideas for my own character and party comp#think I'll go a ranger bcs I NEED my bow#the road of a bow chose me when I was but a mere child running around with my makeshift bow and arrow pretending to be Legolas#and apparently they get a familiar?? I NEED#maybe they could tank too so I can get my Astarion Gale and Karlach party#mabee switch out Gale for Halsin later on too Im definitely eyeing the handsom druid for sure 👀#and Karlach is such a cutie pie what an adorable lovely gal if there was Poly with her and Astarion who knows#but I have a feeling Im gonna be too obsessed with Astarion and afraid of messing it up by accidently romancing anyone else oof#anyway#if the game catches for me I'll prob disappear for a While#also sorry for all of my moots for not being at all active interacting with VP stuff!#i'l get back to that and reblog/add to queue when this brainrot lets me get a break 😅#and if I dont completely wear out my wrists with playing 🙈
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