#im so tired i dont wanna i just wanna write
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i have so much i need to get done today godddddddd
#send help#i gotta do all this job application related shit today and then im tasked for a few things for this weekend for mania week stuff#i can push one thing for tomorrow but pretty much everything else needs to be done today while i have a good computer access ugh#im so tired i dont wanna i just wanna write#cause ofc when i finally get my groove back with that im punched in the face with everything else that demands attention#also annoyed at chris for only selling some shirts in the us shows and not actually in the dbru drop cause ofc i cant have nice things#and im still having other issues with myself on top of being dead tired so like#yeah life isnt fun. i'll hopefully manage for now but jfc#anyways the point of this was please send me distractions so i can take breaks in between working on everything before i lose my mind#night is an absolute mess on main
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Thinking about this always
#screaming crying throwing up#tplosh#the private life of sherlock holmes#sherlock holmes#johnlock#i guess?#pjotr tšaikovski#i guess????#also im tired and too lazy to check what rogozhin and petrova are saying#so id you speak russian let me know or smth#they were just writing anything in the 70s#also yeha he couldve been lying but also#i dont think a straight person would get so yknow about it#like if he was straight and just didnt wanna fuck her he couldve just said like ''im not into women. bye.''#but noooo he has to get all melodramatic
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any time i remember that trump supporters are in any way associated with christianity i feel fcking insane
#i dont wanna vent too much on the internet#its just . like. a fucking anomaly. these things do not fit together. i dont understand#contradictory to the point of nausea#textpost tag#i dont know i feel like i should. i have so many (scattered)thoughts i want to put together#like there are. important things. and i want everyone to... like i love god. and i know that this is so important and i want everyone to#understnad and have access to that. like deep soul fulfilling stuff. and the core of beautiful love for everyone forever . etc im tired rn#but then some fcking how. the . hell world we live in and like constructed human culture and such#twists it all in a way that makes it so inaccessible to so many people#and i look around and im just horrifiei#i know this might sound like a less important topic to some but to me and my understanding its like. to be able to know christ *is* the#best thing that can happen for someone#and prioritising that comes from a place of i just care about people so much. and i want. good things . obviously.#i dont wanna come off as annoyingly preachy i just. i really mean what i say#and when that gets fcked with im like head explosion.#the love of christ compels us for we are convinced one died for all. etc#maybe ill write my thoughts coherently one day
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ngl i just wanna archive this blog 🧎🏽♀️
#sttoru chats.#it’s been on my mind fr#like i don’t find any joy in writing anymore tbh 😭 it feels like so much energy is being drained from me when i write#like for the past two to four months#i have to force myself to find motivation#i dont wanna deactive bcs my fics are gnna get deleted and i dont have em saved anywhere#i wanna quit tumblr#its just so egh#i have a life to focus on#and then theres ppl who ask me for a part 2 in my inbox continously or wjo remind me of old drafts#im TIRED MAN
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this is actually the achievement of the century
#lets gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo#i cant go i need to go to sleep im so tired and i dont wanna write this anymore but i want to finish it so badly#i just want it doneeeeeeeeeee
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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#oh look it talks#yelling into the ether#my whole body hurts#its probably not that bad like its not agonizing but god my joints ache and everything feels weak#all i wanna do is read or write but my brain wont even settle on anything#im so tired lol i dont want to be this tired#like im completely fatigued and wrung out#i did a normal shift at work and made dinner and my legs feel so heavy its like theyre going to fall off#my ankles and knees have a heartbeat#even sitting upright is a whole task at this point#god i know im whining but hgfhggh#and now im too lightheaded and anxious to concentrate on anything#i dont wanna sleep yet i wanna spend my time well but im just passing out again
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#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw negative#cw health issues#‘You’re such a heartless and hateful person.’ well have you ever considered that i’m not really a hateful person and i just hate You#like. call me whatever you want to i guess. im definitely selfish and probably heartless but hateful? idk abt that.#i only feel like i hate people that have given me good fucking reason to. sorry i dont have an infinite supply of tolerance & forgiveness??#but im a wee bit fucking stressed so you’ll have to forgive me for being a bitch. well no one Has to forgive me. do whatever you want#‘That 10-day old pasta salad is making me feel sick.’ MF that was made TODAY. IT’S FRESH AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH IT#if you feel sick how about you look down at the fifteen empty beer cans on the floor next to you and ask them what they think did it#dumbass. whatever man i have bigger problems than your self-induced tummy ache#i feel sick too but i know it’s my fault so i’m not bitching about it. i gave you fresh food while I ate the old stuff to keep from wasting#food. because you act like you’re fucking allergic to leftovers. and yeah it had probably gone off and that’s why I feel sick#but what you ate tonight was fresh as could be so we’re sick for two Very different reasons. and i know how to admit when it’s my fault#everything is my fault. my teeth and gums hurt and that’s My fault for not taking care of them. apparently 3 root canals wasn’t enough#for me to learn my goddamn lesson. i never do. so i’ll have to spend more money on that soon and thats My fault. the dog’s teeth need#cleaning too and that’ll come out of my pocket and i guess that’s My fault for not taking care of him either#i think i have another goddamn UTI and that’s definitely My fault so another $100 trip to urgent care it is i guess!#my Random Nerve Pain has moved to my hands so i can’t use them too much or it fucking hurts and i guess that’s my fault???#my neck pain is back and thats my fault for not clearing my bed off enough to sleep in a comfortable position#my eye keeps twitching and i guess that’s my fault too. i don’t know anymore i just wanna throw in the towel man im so tired#god the UTI tests i wasted money on are arriving tomorrow and if they’re packed in a way that shows what’s inside then i’ll have to explain#That to whoever brings in the mail. great great something else to worry about all night#the living room floor is caving in so now there’s Two room’s floors that need fixing so that’s super fucking fun! 😃#i need to talk to my bank and i need to talk to a tax professional and i need to learn to drive and i need to get an autism diagnosis#well i don’t Need the last one but i want it so bad. but im scared. that i’ll go to all this trouble and they’ll say i don’t qualify#and god it’s NYE now. Besties i’m not gonna get that NMbD NYE fic ready in time. i just can’t make myself write these days. i’m sorry.#i doubt anyone is gonna be That disappointed but I Am. in myself. 3 fucking years now i’ve failed to finish it. w h y. i Want to write but#there’s just too much on me rn. but when is there Not. sigh. idk what i’m gonna do but something needs to change. in my life. soon.
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hopping in and out again to wish everyone a tgif !!!! and a happy weekend !!!
#i am eating a veggie bibimbap rn#i rlly haven't been on tumblr much or online at all tbh sdfb this week was so busy and i didnt anticipate to be so tired#i also feel guilty going on here without finishing the shouto fic HBHFB#i rlly am putting most of my attention to it its just that the fic is rlly getting so long#its going to be 15k+ for sure hsbdfjh#these days ive just been watching queen of tears with my bf hjbgj like i get home from work and rest for a bit then we watch#then i knock out asleep later#my anxiety was also thru the roof this week so thats why i couldnt get much writing done#BUTTTT ok. i am working hard to get the shouto fic out as soon as i can ! i rlly hate that it's been getting delayed bc#i dont wanna seem like i dont keep my word ESPECIALLY since it was a sponsored fic for ficsforgaza#buT i am ON IT ! it is the only thing im pouring all my writing energy into#this is also why i havent been reading much fjhbs or dropping by inboxes jshbdj i feel so guilty without finishing the fic first#i talked so much again
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anxiety anxiety, go away, come again never
#weeeee#vent#i dont know what im supposed to do#i dont know what anyone wants from me#im so tired#ive already donr so much#ive written essays upon essays#ive tried to make you laugh#ive tried to explain whats wrong with me#ive asked for help and recieved just try harder#and so i did try harder#and all i ever get for it all is a scrap of dopamine and relentless *exhaustion*#i feel so empty#nothing ever fills that void for long#even when im enjoying myself i always end up back here#i wanna make people laugh but i dont know how#so i just throw shit at the wall and sometimes it works#i wanna talk about things but i dont actually have anything to say#so i just scrape off the surface and reword it#and boom thats an essay#and ive done that so much#i can only reword the same bullshit so many times#i dont even understand why anyone likes any of my essays i just write them to focus my brain on something for oncw#and yet i keep doing the same stupid routine of misery as always#because i cant do anything else#and even feeling bad is better than feeling nothing#whoopdy do#oh ive hit the tag limit#i had some more self depreciation but whatever im tired#sighhhhhhhh
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does anyone have recommendations for fictional media that has like. actual lesbians in it. not like supergirl Two White Skinny Girls, One Blonde and One Brunette Kiss media, or "its implied lesbianism!!!" but just regular fucking lesbians
#i say lesbians but i guess i mean sapphic#im just like. tired of gnawing#and of men also. sorry men in my life i love you but on god if i have to pretend one more man is butch just to get#content that isnt m/m or m/f im going to turn into a horse and run into the wilderness until im saved from the glue factory by a plucky#young woman except instead of letting her have her formative summer where she trains me and bonds w me and wins a competition w me#im going to commit horse suicide in front of her & change her life forever. just because im so tired of bland CW-marketable women kissing &#digging for scraps in a refuse bin while brushing aside 7002993829292929939292929399394 gay and het romances#m text#i will also take nonfictional lesbians if its like a story#not to be whiny on main but one of the hardest hurdles i had to jump wasnt realizing i was a lesbian. i came out to myself and to friends a#lesbian multiple times. but i would always walk it back when a friend would express doubt or a male friend would ask me out#bc i dont and especially then didnt know very many lesbians in person. and so i had to turn to examples#and all i fucking had were fictional women who liked men. or fictional lesbians who were so cleaned and sanitized and prettified#(you all know what i mean right. the 2 skinny white girls one blonde one brunette. im not crazy right)#and i would be like. i dont feel things when i look at these fictional lesbians so i guess i belong back here#(this is also bc my gender ended up being fuckier than i realized but shhhhh)#I WAS GOING SOMEWHERE WITH THESE TAGS but theyre too long and im lost.#anyway the point is if people werent so fucking weird abt fictional or onscreen lesbians maybe thered be a lot more people comfortable bein#out as lesbian#like sorry but this awful ouroboros of 'all lesbians onscreen have to be cute and sanitized' meaning that people write and believe wlw has#to be cute and pure and sanitized (OR a 'badge of honor' bc good for u u doodled two women together or had it as a background in ur fic)#meaning that therefore all portrayals of lesbianism continue to be like this. is just#and im also gonna be honest theres probably a lot of good sapphic media im just in the wrong circles to have stumbled into lol. so#yknow. personal viewer bias here#but i still like swing wildly between overly brandishing my dykeness as a badge to feel like im proving im lesbian#and like. backing up under a blanket bc i dont wanna be weird or annoying or freak people out#but if people just Saw Normal Ass Lesbians. aough.#im going to watch revolutionary girl utena one of these days even if i struggled w the writing style the first few episodes#I JUST WANNA SEE AN OLD BUTCH ONSCREEN GET SOME PUSSY.#like it also doesnt help im mostly femme4butch so seeing 2 femmes on screen is like. okay cool so what. but only femmes are 'marketable'
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seven's the best protag ever because i could make a million "get you a man who" jokes about him. get you a man who looks at him the way thirteen does. get you a man who has undefeated whimsy and love for the world like seven. get you a man who holds his friends above everything else. get you a man who'd rather go broke and hungry rather than tear apart the bonds between people. get you a man who'd get himself killed for someone who barely knows him. get you a man who'd get himself killed for an island which he's barely familiar with. get you a man who'd dress up as you and settle the arguement between you and your girlfriend including a really long serenade. get you a man who could both save the girl in white like that and also let thirteen save him like that. get you a man who's driven purpose in life is loving others
#i think i shouldnt limit it to just “best protag” but im too lazy to think of better phrasing#i know very little medias who would be willing to write a man who's that loving and empathetic and caring and also have him have killed#literal thosuands and those two points of his characters dont contradict his very personality because his actions have genuine sensible mot#a character who is the victim of his own narrative and continues to fight it over and over and over even if he's tired#because being tired does not mean he gets to stop fighting for what he loves#the s4 op lyrics literally say something along the lines of “who's tired of fighting evil?” i cant check the netflix captions of it rn#god i just love seven as a character i love how he's written#i cannot interract with the tiktok side of the fandom because#i feel like i'm pretentous or a gatekeeper when i say this#but some people just wanna see funny badass who should be feared and will not comprehend how empathetic and adoring he is#and that's ok. that's an ok character to want and love#and i will not be the person to burst the bubble but also the bubble chokes me alive LOOK AT HIM /j#explaining the intricacies of his character takes so long and its so fun but also some mfs jsut dont wanna hear it i need mfs who need it#scissor seven#wu liuqi#seven
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Maaaan I spent 2 months writing chapter 7 of Thanks for Listening and I hate it
Up til now I've been writing from Angel's perspective. His family issues with his Brother (who I just gave a random name to), his bond with his twin sister Molly, a very loose approximation of a half closeted experience in a generally accepting modern world
It has a lot of obvious things I miss doing as a result of starting it just before COVID. To the point that I had fully intended to write each individual day of the horror convention like??? UGH
I hate writing Slow Burns SO MUCH! IM SO IMPATIENT and I really miss going to conventions but I don't wanna write 3 days of convention from Anthony's perspective anymore and I might delete everything I wrote for chapter 7 and switch to Alastor's perspective instead
#m writes#radiodust#hazbin hotel#m speaks#im so tired of looking at it i hate it#okay not all of it#but i dont know where to start salvaging it#i just wanna get to the gay shit why#why do i have to write so much exposition about nothing#i literally don't#i can do whatever i want#but i hate this chapter's pacing
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hey. immortal fears
on the sideblog
on ao3
#im only posting this cause 1. im very tired and 2. i really need my motivation to continue this story#ive been craving so much to write this again recently but i have huge mental hurdles and i feel like nobody cares anymore#so like.. give it a peep? lemme know what you think?? anything???#i love this story a lot and would love to get back to it. i have the next three chapters fully planned. i just need to write...#and i have most main bits planned as well so its mostly planned out. just. writing. its hard when i dont know if anyone is interested#anyways. i wanna post this today as ive been thinking a lot. so. here#please read immortal fears#(theres also a lot of other stuff in this timeline/au but im just gonna stick to the main story in this post ough)#ALSO FEEL FREE TO SEND ASKS ABOUT THE AU!! i would love to talk about this ;;#night is an absolute mess on main
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got home 2 nap jst woke upand debating napping again
#i have little things i wannando and i also have Needs i need to do#i need to shower and i havent ate all day#imnot hungry tho i mean like seriously?#and i wanna draw tiday and maybe write or reopen the askbix or something but all i wanna do#is sleep#i couldnt do it#tired#need 2 eat drink shower probably piss and im just like#sorry im nit ghosting anybody on purpose im just so so tired right now i dont think id be able 2 hold a convo#ill probs make that priv#micetalk
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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