#im so sorry this is so long for how little research ive put into it it's 8 am and im late for work

[basil-appreciation-comic]

IMPORTANT UPDATE!!

the comic is cancelled. you probably already assumed that since i havent posted anything about it in a while but yeah the things dead now lol. mainly because i dont care much about omori anymore, the comic sucked, and it was too much effort. i feel kinda bad about leaving you guys in the dark for this long tho, so i thought id go ahead and include all the scrapped stuff for the comic that never got finished

while i was writing the comic i started a google doc that laid out ideas i had for future pages. heres that if you wanna know how the story ends

it was written over several months and (most) things are in order of where they go on the timeline not when i wrote them so it might be a little hard to follow

also some art i never posted

(at least i dont think ive posted the last one)

i quoted not liking this comic as one of the reasons i stopped so let me explain that with a list of things id change about this if i were to remake it (which i wont)

remove the swearing that was so stupid

make omori mute (and probably use sign language)

omori does not express fear or stress in-game, thats sunnys job. quit it

he also does not cry and generally shows emotions (even the big ones) in more subtle ways (which i think i was trying to shift towards later in the doc) idk why he was so emotional all the time

literally everything about how i portrayed omori actually that was all just awful

the panic attack scene is fucking embarrassing i have no clue what i was thinking. im so sorry for writing it like that i did 0 research beforehand

make it shorter why did i think that would work out

id probably just make it a fic, comics take way too much outta me compared to just writing things

it does not need a big epic ending and probably shouldve ended not long after they escaped black space

the romance is horrible but thats the foundation of the comic so idek what id do about that

stop making everyone talk like therapists 24/7

and yeah it has a lot of problems but i still do care about this due to the ammount of effort and love ive put into it, i just cant and dont want to continue it

so yeah thats where this story ends ig. i had a lot of fun along the way, and thank you so much for all the support. bigger thanks to that one sunflower discord server (if you came from there you know which one) for being my main motivation and support throughout this journey. sucks this comic never got to see its full potential but im relieved to finally lay it to rest. the blog will stay up for archival purposes but i will not continue the comic any further obviously. the ask box will remain open if you wanna say anything or if you have a question about the story or whatever. thanks for reading.

[ziteyra]

A good soldier

Chapter 4

Chapter 1 and Chapter 3

🐟 Synopsis: Lyle gets you to leave the facility with him and you find out a bit more about him and the others.

🐟 characters: Quaritch Recom, Waynfleet Recom (🥳)

🐟themes: same as the last chapter. A bit of cursing, roughing around but nothing serious.

🐠Note: i dont even know what happened hsgaddajh sorry i was gone so long! I swear ive got multiple chapters finished im just gonna post them one by one. Ahhh my Avatar addicition finally got the best of me. Love y'all 💙

Tagging: @babyduk213 💙and @skellie88-blog 💙

Still in a kind of shocked state, you finally manage to free yourself from Lyle's grip while he carries you on his sacred mission to the outside gates. 

“I haven't even put on my mask.” you mumble while fiddling with the equipment, and your fully charged oxygen mask “What has gotten into you, Lyle?!” 

“Nothing little scientist, I just realized what a treat of a human we happen to have here with you. So much so that even the captain takes a liking to you. And even if I suddenly was possessed by evil spirits of bad intentions, admit it you like the idea of getting taken out of this hell hole by a strong soldier like me y/n?”

You need a second to answer, not only because you hate to admit that he is kind of right about your happiness regarding your escape from the facility but also because you clearly heard him say that even the captain would like you. And that was definitely something to stomach especially so early in the day. “ You dont mean our captain” you scoff at Lyles remarks as you finally manage to pull your Oxygen Mask in the right position and properly adjust it “ Id honestly expected him to rather go back to the jungle alone than admit something like that.” 

“Aww little scientist, don't think so bad of yourself. You didn't realize he liked you? Well, i admit it's kind of difficult to tell but in practice, it's nothing you should waste your energy on. And even so, you know he´d love going through the jungle all by himself and murdering every single living alien he finds. Especially in his new body.” 

You admit that Lyle’s knowledge of Quaritch's character might by far exceed yours but still seems not convincing in the slightest. Nonetheless, you don't even get time to focus on that thought anymore as you start to pass the final gates and checks of the facility and you realize that quite a few more people than usual have laid eyes upon you. Particularly at the final airgates, you can see quite a few of your colleagues eyeing you and your big blue escort as you prepare to enter the Pandorian wilderness. 

“Well, your little buddies definitely seem jealous of us y/n. As they should be huh ?” Lyles not so quietly exclaimed while you more and more wished a banshee would just kidnap you and take you as far away as possible. He gives you a little nudge and you can see how happy all the attention seems to make him. It was almost surreal seeing him like this since you couldn't really think of a moment outside of a battle where he seemed to be enjoying himself that much. But then again you knew so much and so little about this crew of recom soldiers who had thousands of research papers and articles written about them but still surprised you every new day you managed to work with them. That was probably the truest not for Lyle but for his captain Quaritchs. 

His stone-cold gaze still could not leave your mind even as you entered through the last metal door into the scorching sun of Pandora with Lyle by your side.

[its-koili]

hey guys. sorry for being gone for so long. heres an update

(tw for: mention of violence / gore, general distress, mental health issues)

(tw below)

.

basically i had a huge mental health crisis. i was having 24/7 constant rolling panic attacks from may of 2023 to january of this year. my last big meltdown was in early february. been processing a lot of CSA trauma and some recent trauma that ive gone through. i think i talked about my panic attacks before leaving social media but idk i dont remember. isolated myself from absolutely everybody.

the main thing that made me leave was that while i was keeping up to date on the g3n0c1d3 (censoring bc idk how tumblr is about it), and when i was looking in the replies / related of the awareness videos, i came across 4 accounts dedicated to using gore for clicks / shock. not videos of the g3n0c1d3 (thank god bc of how they were using the vids) but of unfortunate every day situations and cam footage. like, the kind of stuff you could see on liveleak back in 2010. just out in the open on twitter. they all had usernames like "(insert number here) ways to die)". they were all content farms for click/ad revenue. it was too much it was a huge trigger and i had a full on meltdown. the bluecheck ppl on twitter were using the replies of the videos people uploaded for raising awareness to upload mindless g0re for money. the fact that peoople have 0 compassion for human life sent me into a spiral that i couldnt get out of. (i reported 3 out of the 4 accounts i was able to and 3 got taken down but 1 is still up and it odesnt seem to be uploading the hardcore g0r3 anymore. so thats good. but that was one of the reasons i left social media. ive been keeping up to date w the news but thats it. i left my socials entirely and ive only been on my phone to look up recipes or to use my computer for media research groceries and gaming and shows

that was the main thing that pushed me to leave. i just couldnt take it anymore. during the start of my crisis last year, i was planning on taking a small break, but all of that pushed me over the edge and i dropped everything. after that, my issues got worse and i dont remember most of it. thankfully. but i couldnt bring myself to talk to anybody. i isolated myself and just. laid in bed. but im doing better so i guess thats good

on another topic ive beeen nervous to post this on main but during all of this (ive talked abt tihs a little bit on my priv before i left) i found out that im a system a long while back. my dad (one of my abusers) had/has DID and it terrified me to think that i could be anything like him. i also knew cereal abuser who pretended to be a system to get away with stuff/abusing their friends (and then years later admitted that they werent a system and siad that systems are fake.) LOTS of tears. lots of crying over this. was in denial for a few weeks. cried some more. then eventually came to terms with it.

i dont want to post abt my system online too much bc i dont want to act like this is some fun trendy thing bc its not. it makes day to day living very hard (some lighter/funnier issues that make it hard are: arguing with an alter bc YOU dont know where THEY put YOUR MEDS, not being able to cook because one alter can and the other cant, your art style not being consistent because their styles are different). i dont want to really make it a massive part of my identity online bc its not a big deal! theres just Multiple Little Guys in my brain. so. im a system! im the same but....this explains why i dont remember talking to certain people SUIDHUFHX. i always felt bad. makes conversing with online friends hard especially if icons/usernames are changed. ill make a separate post about this someday thatll go into detail a bit more.

i went years thinking it was just "kinning" but it wasnt lol. it turns out that your personality completely shifting, tastes in food / music / art / media changing, the way you walk / talk dress changing, and having complete memory blackouts when you """"kin shift"""" isn't normal. /lh (dw ive had a lot of time to come to terms with this)

but basically right now ive been spending time getting to,,know myself?? iive been using simplyplural for myself for several months and im uncovering a lot of my memories / trauma ect bc alters can write down what they need to in the chat. so i can go back later and read it. its been v helpful!

i will not be coming back just yet. i have no interest in using social media rn or drawing or writing unfortunately. ive been working on my original stuff here and there but i havent been drawaing fandom stuff bc im not hyperfixating on a fandom.

also. some things have come up. im not going to say anything until the party in question is stable/safe/comfortable before i even suggest anything for context (i dont plan on talking abt anything at all unless they start talking publicly). right now i am helping someone through abuse. their wellbeing is my #1 concern. i'll think about other things after im sure theyre okay.

i dont really have any resolutions as to how things are going but i do feel better and im not having as many panic attacks. i dont really know where im going with this now sorry. just trying to brush over the basic topics before i go. idk if anybody remembers me bc ive been gone for so long so idk if im just talking into the wind but if i am thats fine honestly this is helping me reorganize my thoughts (i type these vents out a lot on docs so i probably wont remember posting this hiudhvu)

other than that. i dont draw or write anymore. i think in the past 6 months ive drawn like....5 things. its. weird. im completely disconnected from fandoms now. coming up to a full year of not having a hyperfixation at all.

my bday was on the 6th. im 27 now im very old (everybody forgot it asides from my husband (and the people he reminded) n my abuser). ive been trying to cook and bake more and ive been playing video games again. planning on getting back into drawing soon and working on my original stuff. when i come back im planning on redesigning my profiles and updating my social media bios and stuff bc theyre so old. also ill make a section on my carrd for my system. there you go theres some positivity to the update nxfjdfjh. sorry if i dont seem very enthused im very tired so typing has been a chore hfuidshuifv.

sorry that this was a lot or if it seems disjointed i was trying to put down as much into this as possible without making it too long

bye!!! see u all soon!

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

oh god you have foolishly provided me a chance to dump the contains of my soul and heart out in the open through throwing all my favorite songs to listen to and think of Muriel at you in this essay i WILL

ok first i know its on his official playlist already BUT i feel a need to emphasize just how much it is ABsoLUTEly HIS song most of any of them: drumroll please::: 👏Wolf👏 by 👏First Aid Kit👏 any muriel simp reading this right now i am pounding you with my brainwaves of intent to go listen to it Right Now and Read those Lyrics and just try to tell me its not literally about him god if could draw id be doing such a cool animatic about it but alas it dies with me anyway WAYWARD WINDS!!! A VOICE THAT SINGS!!!! OF A!! FORGOTTEN!!!! LAND!!!!!!! SEE IT FALL!!!! CHILD OF WAR!!!! OH LEND!!!! A MENDING HAND!!!!!!!!!!! i believe ive made myself clear kbgxkyhfhkvd

https://youtu.be/6PmuuiXgIZE

i dont know if links work on anon but i had to try gjzghfdtomfg our wedding song straight up this is in my language and also like. about a girl but the words are easy to switch around so it fits lol it basically just goes like "you just had to know (to do something? like in a you know how to work me way lmao linguistics hard), that i cant forget you at all/i forgot my mother and father/my sister and my brother but i cant goshdarn forget you" and i dont know i probably cant translate that so it hits right but god its absolutely perfect to me cause like I DIDNT! FORGET HIM!! MC REMEMBERS HIM AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT!!!! EVEN WITH THE CURSE I DONT KNOW LET ME HAVE THIS ITS TOO GD ROMANTIC I CANT BELIEVE HE GOT ME ACTING LIKE THIS AGHGF im sorry for yelling i got excited

NEXT a classic we gotta pepper some hozier on this thing so here goes Nothing Fucks With My Baby cause thats my ultimate serenade for him in my head especially the "if i was born/as a blackthorn tree/id wanna be held by you/felled by you/fuel the pyre of your enemies" part as it perfectly describes my sentiments towards my man: hes my bby i will kill for him👁️👁️

theres Always Forever by Cults, i dont have that much to rant about it i just always think of him when i play it lol theres hozier again It Will Come Back which is on his official playlist too but i play around with perspectives in this one cause i put myself in the "it" position, like. im chasing here bro👀 oh my god i have got to shut up this is entirely tmi

https://youtu.be/mLycEitwJCA

i made a whole post about this one its a whole thing lmao long story short muriel on a murderous revenge quest au MOVING ON

OH i remembered another folky one

https://youtu.be/NrgwIo8GWDI

its SUCH a banger and i love it and it goes like i saw a Wolf a Fox a Rabbit so i just imprinted on it with Muriel Asra and MC respectively cause i dont know i had a phase where i decided mcs spirit animal is a rabbit cause of that scrapped introduction chapter with the labyrinth thing i guess idk im scrambling here ngfsfugc anyway it slaps listen to it and imagine a bangin tavern party and maybe youll calm down /meme

ohh ok we're on a folksy roll thats probably because i just mostly associate old timey sounding songs with arcana in general lmao i mean its like middle ages over there right

https://youtu.be/t9PUlNQOZ8o

this ones in my language again i know annoying but i found a translated version look!!! AND theres a bunch of people correcting the mistakes in the comments too if you were wanting to get deeper into research hkdggjyecb and its white voice style so depending on your taste it might sound silly but yeah this ones got some fitting lines too tying up with Murmur and its so cute and so cheesy and hopeful and sappy and it cheers me up aw

oh my god i wonder if anyone gets this far reading this ever if youre seeing this its probably during a scroll roll slow just enough to make out the letters Hello godspeed you continue on your journey with my blessings cause im noT EVEN DONE YET HAHAHAHAHAA

Motha Motha! Problems! nuff said

https://youtu.be/artn9fErRp8

this ones gonna take explaining gjxgkhpgz but maybe not that much

https://youtu.be/_h9V94b4R2g

i just had a eureka moment one day and so another animatic concept to take to my grave was born lmao but mostly its just playing into Muriels & MCs "nO i cOULd hUrt YoU Go aWaY" + "ayo hold my flower ima kill them real quick" dynamic theyve got heehee like the whole "~Dangerous~ ooh that sounds good ya" bit and also yes im in your house no im not leaving jgdghkfhgd and like i just imagined the song fitting the vibe of the whole murder lucio quest road trip with MC all "yo we Getting this shit DONE dont fuck around w my crew" (The Crew: feral milf & bear with anxiety) AND LIKE i always get to the "party like we all gon die tonight" basedrop part with the whole visual montage of us finding khamgalai and then the graveyard fight and Absolutely Everything Going to Shit and the mood shifting to "well fuck maybe we do not in fact got this" but its good we kick lucio all the way to hell at the end we good💕

https://youtu.be/ZxWiG6UJr0w

MMMMMMM THIS ONEE AWW im literally just scrolling through my endless unsorted playlist to find these gdiyyfgfz this ones just cute it doesnt really relate to anything at all actually when i think about it but its nice so here

https://youtu.be/6FEDrU85FLE

.....nope i got nothing on this one just plop it right in here

oh my god. its over. weve done it. we're free

man i hope those links work. definitely not on mobile lol whatever

Hi! and oh, WOW, this was one of the most delightfully wild essays I've ever read for Muriel and I loved it. Especially describing the dynamic on the trip south as "feral milf & bear with anxiety" XD

I've found that links don't work in asks, even with the media option turned on, so I'll include them below. Thanks for your suggestions, anon, I'll put them on the tag! ^.^

[punsbulletsandpointythings]

Might be the fit of the earring. Idk how long youve had it. My silly ass didnt realize the starter earring my shop gave me was for new new piercings so after like a bit of healing, the length made it so the wiggling would actually agitate the piercing into not healing more so I had to get a shorter one so it wouldnt wiggle as much. Im not sure where on your ear it is. Is your hair catching on it? Is it a metal thats common for allergic reactions? Nickle is a s.o.b like that. Sometimes piercings are fidgety little bastards and Im sorry you're having a time of it. I believe in you! Hope you got some sleep. Make sure you're doing saline and not alcohol for cleaning and maintenance. Hope I didnt come across as condescending. Ive just been there too. Best of luck bud.

Not condescending at all! I'm so fucking wound up in my head about this that this message is actually like. Super nice?

I got 2nd and 3rd lobe piercings about 6 months ago, and was told theyd heal in about 3 months and explicitly not to use saline or anything to clean them which. In retrospect I wish I'd done more research before hand on that.

It seemed like a really good studio but like. When I took the earrings out at 3 months they IMMEDIATELY got swollen and gross, so I cleaned the studs, put them back in, and went to the studio like "help???? Why????" And was told "well clearly you should have left them in longer." Even though! I was following their instructions!!

Anyway, now I'm IRRATIONALLY anxious about going in and asking for them to look at my piercings, especially because I've got a big irritation bump (from wearing a mask, which in retrospect, obviously was a bad idea BUT THE PIERCER TOLD ME IT WAS OK) that keeps bleeding? (I KNOW I shouldn't pick at it, I've gotten better at not but ahhhhh) And I'm worried they are going to scold me? Or tell me I've fucked it all up?

ANYWAY you super Did Not Ask for my whole sob story, I'm having a Bit of A Day, but I am wondering if the fit/size might be part of the problem, so I really do need to suck it up and go in to the shop.

Thanks for messaging me, Nonny, this made me feel distinctly less Screaming Into the Void, which I appreciate. And uh. Sorry again about the ramble.

[minheeskitten]

"2k is long" is also nonsense i'm so sorry 😭 2k is barely anything if you're trying to introduce an AU and actually flesh in a setting and especially if you're trying to show different personality traits 😭 your fic are mostly AUs with really well thought out lore, and it needs the word count to breathe and establish everything. if someone's attention span is too short to read more than - what - 2 pages? that's their problem, not yours! fwiw, my fic lengths range with the shortest starting at around 5k and the longest getting close to 30k and i have never had anyone leave a complaint about the length! people are more than willing to sit through 10k+ just to get to the smutty stuff, and they usually end up enjoying the rest of the fic as well. do not worry about it! you're doing just fine 🩷

I don't often look at the length of a fic unless im updating someone on how long its getting. My shortest wip is 100 words. And. Ive posted it to here bcs i feel it'll never be finished.

If it does get finished eventually then i will post it as a fic but. Until then it sits in my drafts.

My fics almost always include worldbuilding to at least 3k now. Though not all of them were like that.

Do you want in on a secret? I don't think out the world for my aus. It fleshes itself out. I think on what may happen n go from there. The story writes itself. I am just a vessel for the words and visions.

I am absolutely terrible at worldbuilding if im doing it consciously.

Its why i have visible headcanons for idols. But i just can't put them into words haha.

The most i think through is 'what sort of details would enhance this and make it better to read'

And then thats where i go from!

Siren!ivan was originally supposed to be more non-con than it is rn. The consent is not proper consent tho but thats bcs. Well. Siren wants what he wants and he will convince dann to give it to him.

Though. Thats a little bit of a spoiler. It is going to be tagged accordingly. Don't worry ill tag fics right.

The fic i thought through the most, probably is one ive not even started wtiting. The dissection fic. I gotta do all sorts of research so i can make sure its accurate and well done.

Which unfortunately means i gotta look at anatomy from a more medical standpoint. Need to go find a book for that..

The first fic i put out actually has a very strong plot hole. That i told myself id patch before posting it but. I didn't.

That plot hole was the reasoning as to why ivan was doing that to hwon. It has a very weak reason and i could absolutely fix it now. But. Not this year.

I write ab 5k minimum most of the time haha. I prefer letting the story fill itself out n then helping fine tune details. Its why i really can't tell you how long a fic may be.

So far my longest fic is 16k words. Published. Theres more unpublished. That's for the abandoned but not orphaned one.

I may return to it eventually. That's why i didn't wanna orphan it.

All of my fics stop at a point they organically would have stopped at. When i feel it can't really take another scene. I end it. That usually leaves spaces for part twos to them as well!

But i like exploring aus as i write them.

Fun fact! I write aus bcs im worried that if i do anything else i may accidentally copy someone else's idea.

I do get inspired by the other kd writers. Oh gods do i get inspired.

Lee, lunar, eve, even erin, who encourages the hwonicide. They all inspire me in their own ways. Does that usually come in the form of a prompt to note down asap? Yeah.

But other ways are helping with details for fics. And they are all very welcome to chat ab fics w me. I don't steal ideas. Not without permission and changing it to be my own.

I have a prompt that is inspired by eve's fic Clear My Mind (eve is karmacumover btw!)

But it is different. I may show her the prompt itself if she wants to see it haha.

But i love working on fics. Even if I can't be proud of them as a 'look i made this!' i can still look at the work and go 'yeah. Thats good.'

Thank you lee for helping me figure out how to do that. It was amazing to be able to step back and go 'thats a good story' if i removed myself from it.

The lee im referring to here is intenselysalmon. So she knows who im referring to.

One day. One day my goal is to be proud of how much I've written. Of what I've written.

Its a goal i think is far away. But the more i talk to other writers. The more i realize.

Im not as bad at writing as i think i am.

Honestly id never even considered myself a good writer, until i asked writers like lee and erin their feedback on my works. And they both said i write well. Maybe a little dialogue heavy but. Thats fine i can work on it.

Im doing my best. And im trying to ensure i continue getting better.

The more i talk to other writers and see how they talk ab my writing. The more i go. 'maybe im too harsh on myself' but. As they say, you are your own worst critic.

Honestly i never even considered my work good enough to do much with. But. Lunar still offered to possibly do a collab or fic trade. And i keep thinking on it. Maybe.

It makes me think they find me a better writer than i find myself to be.

Then i see eve, reacting to some of the xlips of airen!ivan ive put out. And she's reacting as i would for any of lee's clips. I find lee an amazing writer. It seems eve thinks of me that way too.

Im trying to wrap my head around it. But the reason i am so harsh on myself is. Anxiety and self doubt. And i need to work through them.

Thats the first time ive admitted that.

I will work through my weaknesses, and be better than before. Slowly. It takes time. I have to be patient.

One day. One day i will be able to proudly say 'im a good writer'

Its not today. But. It will be an eventuality.

Moots mentioned in this post:

Lee (@intenselysalmon )

Erin (@kurenaiwataru )

Eve (@karmacumover )

Lunar (@kingdoms-babygirl )

[youremyheaven]

i'm the anon who asked about moon men months ago since i didn't know anything abt them - still don't! but ig i have to consider myself lucky for never really crossing paths with them if this is what they're like omg ...

i think every nak has its extreme light side and its extreme dark side and i think it's important to touch on both so i'm glad you dropped your research on it finally!

omg hiiii bestie 💛 how u been

I went on a little hiatus around that time and wasn't in the right headspace to be talking about things as heavy and dark as this,, so this post has been vvv delayed and ive often thought of you in this period and wanted to say sorry for how long it's taken me, im glad you're still around and that you read those posts since you're the reason why I started doing research into Moon dominant people (it's helped me understand shitty people in my life as well so thank you so much for sending that ask all those months ago and putting me on this path)

im so glad you send this ask🥺hope u have a good day

[hauntedkkitty]

hi systems of tumblr i need Help. i am a questioning system and i have been for a long while now and idfk what to do or think anymore

i cannot talk to any sort of therapist / psychologist about this, so please give me any assistance you can even if its just "this sounds like ____" / "this relate to this and i have ___" / ANYTHING please

warning i dump some of my trauma here but i also put red text that just gives a summary without heavy desc so you can skip the description if you dont want to be triggered or upset.

tw child abuse, mentions of death / injury

basic info about me that may or may not relate

- i am a minor with cptsd & autism

- i have a Lot of repetitive trauma. like i dont wanna traumadump it all rn but a Lot.

- i am disabled

- all my older relatives are all shitty people which i cannot ask for help with this. all my younger relatatives would not be able to help. there is no one who i trust enough to help me with this So hiiii anon tumblr blog here i am

-i have not wanted to live for as long as i can remember [and i can remember very far back].

- i had a lot of periods in my childhood where i go Blank for a while, like, memory wise. i would "wake up" somewhere else the middle of an action and have no idea what was going on or why i was there. or felt out of control of my body, i dont know if this has lessened or if i have just grown used to the feeling if that makes sense

- i am psychotic. i have been since i was little and i know how to deal with it now and do not have any Serious delusions or hallucinations anymore

-ive been questioning whether or not im a system for a Long while now but i never get far with it because i literally cannot figure myself out.

- i do not feel i have a real personality

- i dissociated a Lot in childhood and even now.

- i feel like shit went Wrong when i was meant to develop into a normal person and i am now fundamentally fucked

- i have done a Lot of research of osdd/did [and disorders in general] on and off for some years and have never found a conclusion for myself Help me

trauma dump about my experience with possible alter - scroll to red text if you are triggered by: religious trauma, suicide mention / suicidal thoughts

when i was a child [this is abt when i was around 8] i was heavily in denial about the fact that i wanted to die.

i knew my parents [abusive] would react Badly and also i was religious and raised to believe i would burn in hell for it so i just Refused to admit that i hated living.

one day i saw it on the news with my parents [it was some headline like "suicide rates rising" or sum idfk sorry] and my mother said "who would be crazy enough to try and kill themselves" and she wanted an answer back so i said "haha yeah..." and i heard a voice behind me [like Right in my ear behind me] say "you would" [as in you would be crazy enough]

this was not an auditory hallucination. i did not have voice hallucinations at the age and it was extremely different to anything i have ever experienced.

and i was fucking terrified cause as previously mentioned i was raised religious and thought this was a demon trying to tempt me into sin and holy fuck there was a creepy girl whispering my deepest darkest most sinful of secrets in my ears

the voice whispered more into my ear about my inner workings and thoughts and stuff i was in denial of

i have no clue if this makes sense but when i heard its voice i saw like a Flash of info about it. like when you suddenly remember something and the whole memory just Vwoops into your brain? some physical traits and some personality traits, along with the fact that this thing Knows me deeply and knows everything about me?

i looked behind me and asked my mother if she said anything and she said no and gave me a weird look.

i never mentioned anything to anyone because i was convinced they would hurt me if i did.

i felt its presence in the back of my mind [it didnt speak often but even when silent i could feel its presence like the way you know when someones staring at you].

i kept refusing it and saying i did not want it and ignoring it everytime possible and eventually i felt it fade [not the right word but idk wtf to say. it went In or it just disapeared or something]. i felt kind of at a loss when it happened cause i didnt know what to do.

i considered the idea that it was trying to help me but even if it was i had no clue what it was.

TLDR: 8ish yrs old. i was in denial about my mental issues. i heard a voice in my ear very clearly wording out my mental issues in a way i could not. freaked the fuck out and ignored it even though i felt its presence for like a month and eventually i stopped feeling it there. no clue what that was

i told a system blog this experience once and they suggested that i look into bpd & aspd and that they dont know what to say as theyd never heard of something like that happening so young before

since then i have been never heard the voice behind me or any other solid voice. i dont know if it was an alter who went dormant or just some weird dream or hallucination or what.

i ignored it for all my childhood because i was scared. at some point a few years ago [covid times] i felt something similar again, not a voice but Something and i felt the immense need to try and figure it out. i did a Lot of work and all i could figure out was that voice probably Was trying to help me in some way. i was heavily in denial about most of my trauma and mental illness until like a few years ago because my family basically cult brainwashed me Haha.

also also i have had a lot of times where i have not felt Myself but have also still been there. its hard to word but i was still There watching myself do things and if i Really wanted i could try and stop my body from moving but like.... I didnt feel like i was Alone in my brain if that makes sense??? bru idk its that Feeling that someone else is there thing again.

trauma dump warning if you are triggered by: phys abuse [by father] mention, desc of me fearing my abuser would kill me scroll to red text

a time like this that stands out a lot is when i was younger [9+ -14] and my dad had just hit me and yelled at me and he pushed me down and i nearly hit my head on the stone kitchen counter but i just missed it and i was struck with this horrible fear because what would have happened if i did hit my head? i would probably be seriously injured. ive hurt myself on there before and it wasnt even that bad then but i still needed to go to the hospital. would i have died if i hit my head then? is he going to kill me now? and i was filled with so much fear i couldnt move and i had no idea how i would get out of this. i was literally backed into a corner. i completely spaced out.

i felt myself kinda Snap back in my mind for a second like idk how to phrase it but my mind Changed and all of a sudden i had a clear plan like Streamlined to my head and all emotion and desires other than SURVIVE were pushed out And like i felt So out of it and disorientated and ouguhhhhh felt weird bru idk how to word this shit was Odd and moving my body felt weird.

i saw myself run upstairs and check for injuries and try to clean up nd fix body but i did not feel like i was moving ??? like i was Out Of It and my body was just taking care of itself and i was just There like what is happening. OH I SORT OF HEARD A VOICE AGAIN HERE BUT IT WAS MORE LIKE. sudden dominant thought than voice in my ear voice. it was just telling me what to do and questioning if i had bandaids in my room.

TLDR: a time that stands out is when i was younger [9>14], i was being abused and nearly had a serious injury which i slimly avoided and was frozen with fear and spaced out. i suddenly felt myself snap back into place, disorientated and completely Weird, and felt thoughts [a plan to get out] that were not mine. i did not feel fully in control of my body and like i was being fed another persons thoughts as i saw my body tried to help itself. i felt like another persons thoughts were dominating over mine and all in all Strange.

anyway i kinda got back into myself after i was mostly taken care of but i was still Not Fully There if that makes sense??? like i still wasnt responding or thinking or talking or moving ANYTHING like what i usually do and i was aware of this and i was really confused about it and what was going on

sorry if this is worded wrong i wrote most of this late at night and again im autistic and get misinterpreted a lot and also my memory is kinda fucked up

anyways if anyone could could shed any light on this in literally anyway you could i would be super grateful.

ALSO if you think this is some form of osdd/did/plural thing Please tell me how to speak to the people in my head cause idk its weird like this i would like to know what is happening in there and not feel like im suddenly being possessed or like im insane

[mycptsdrecovery]

To the person who sent this ask:

https://at.tumblr.com/mycptsdrecovery/hi-im-sorry-to-ask-this-really-because-it-feels/fepccd6vfm9e

So first off I want to apologize because this message is probably gonna fuck your shit up a little bit. But for me at least, clarity brought peace. I hope this helps you put the pieces together and can bring you some comfort to know that you are not alone, what happened to you was very real and incredibly traumatic, and that you are incredibly strong for living through that. You’re obviously very smart and you’re asking the right questions- keep it up.

I read your post and I know exactly what happened to you. You had a VCUG. I had it done too, multiple times when I was 3. It took me literally 20 fucking years to figure out what that was and what happened to me. When I read the Wikipedia page, it was like I got hit in the head with a brick so brace yourself before you look it up. The procedure has literally every characteristic of a sexual assault, and I have lifelong sexual trauma from it. It’s used as a tool in research for studying memory related to CSA, because ofc you can’t abuse children to get data- but the VCUG is “medically necessary.” I think it’s almost worse in a way because it’s more like a gang rape WHILE YOUR PARENT IS WATCHING, and you’re not even seen has an object of attraction- it’s dehumanizing, and the denial of autonomy over your own body has serious, long term effects. It set me up for a lifetime of other sexual trauma- by the time I was 6 I was already showing hypersexual behavior. I never learned how to set any boundaries. Period. If you learn as a child that you don’t even have privacy *in the bathroom by yourself*, layered with the confusion and embarrassment of the experience (I was being potty trained, and then all of a sudden I’m in a radiology room and my mom is telling me I have to pee on this table in front of all these people??) seriously fucked me up, at least.

I spent literally my entire life not knowing why I was so fucked up, not knowing why I was so deeply traumatized when nothing (that I knew of) happened to me. It’s agony, and I blamed myself and lost myself in addiction and anorexia. Funnily enough, Ive always gravitated towards people who had serious childhood trauma. I’d hear their stories, and understand the feelings, but I never had a “story” of my own. It made me feel like an imposter, because it wasn’t like I got raped by a family member or something more “textbook”. Nobody talks about VCUG trauma even though thousands of kids go through this every year. It’s a faceless trauma, there’s nobody to blame (which makes it even more difficult to cope with imo)

There’s like one (1) support group on Reddit with 70 members, which is the largest to my knowledge. I was thinking of maybe starting a blog because there’s a lot of older people on reddit (like 5-10 yrs older than me at least) and I think that growing up Online with that trauma and 24/7 access to violent adult content is a totally different experience. But all of the emotions they talk about are the same, I’ve always kinda felt like nobody could understand what it’s like to be in my head, but reading that subreddit made me realize that I’m not The Most Fucked Up Person Who Has Ever Lived. And I learned how the trauma has formed every facet of my personality. Like I’m an anxious control freak who feels no sense of ownership over my body- surely that has nothing to do with this foundational traumatic memory of being denied control over my most basic bodily functions, right? Much to think about lol

You’re not crazy, and what you went through is unfortunately very real. I’m assuming that you’re still a teenager or a very young adult so you may not have gotten a yeast infection since you were a kid, but I think that the white stuff/medicine you were describing was monistat for a yeast infection. It’s a suppository, so there’s a like plastic plunger you put this white egg on, and then you put it in your vagina and push it up to your cervix, and the medicine leaks out over the course of a couple days. So it doesn’t surprise me at all that you would remember that, someone put a foreign object inside of you that was itchy and gross.

And for the record, your parents are *Very* Bad At Boundaries!!! If they can’t be the adults and set healthy boundaries, you have to. Its perfectly okay to say “I don’t want to talk about that” or “you’re making me uncomfortable, please stop touching me”. You didn’t have a voice when you were a kid, but you have one now. Trust me, I know it’s fucking scary and feels impossible- but do it once, and you’ll be hooked on the feeling forever.

I figured everything out last year (I’m about to turn 24), and I’ve been in therapy which has been super helpful. For me at least, EMDR has really been great for reprocessing those memories, and so has hypnotherapy exercises for being able to get into my subconscious. If you’re gonna look for one, you need a trauma specialist. Don’t fuck around with like a school counselor who mainly does “I’m depressed sometimes” therapy. If you’re anything like me, you need Serious Help.

I love you internet stranger- everything’s gonna be okay. You’re not alone, and it is possible to heal ❤️ I hope this brings you some peace

.

[zooone]

hello!! I've just found your blog here and I've been really wanting to try and write for wilbur like you do!! though I'm new to writing, could you give me some tips on when you're new to writing? :DD

hi!!!! im so sorry it took me so long to answer this i was trying to gather up as many tips as i could ^_^ im sooo honored that youre asking for my help it makes me so happy!! here's a ton that ive learned just based off my experience, im no like professional and this is all just tips ive accumulated to my style over time 

–one, and i think this is the most crucial in a fanfic setting, but CAPTIVATE YOUR READERS!!! 

when i write, i try to replicate books as best as i can (more on that later), but this is the one thing that a book author could get away with that a fanfic writer cant. 

because your piece is only something that people will find through scrolling and its (more than likely) not a fully fledged book, people are more inclined to click off if you dont IMMEDIATELY captivate them. 

i often see people begin a fic with a couple paragraphs of context (and again this is absolutely no hate to anyone who does this, its just what ive found to work best) which can be interesting if done right, but chances are that readers wont enjoy it if you hand everything to them on a silver platter. they stay engaged when you keep them guessing or predicting. 

and i get thats difficult to do with just a tiny little blurb!! but when i write- no matter if its 100 words or 10k words, i ALWAYS start off with dialogue. quotation marks are the first thing that people are drawn to and i find it catches people's attention more when there's immediate action. 

the exception i have is with the gr!wilbur fic; i tried to set the scene a little bit without giving too much information, and then i started it with one of my favorite starters:

"he stomped away from her on the rooftop as she followed after him."

i remember researching "how to start a book" cuz i was so unmotivated with a blank space, and then i found a video that talked about a book (i cant find the video nor the book) that began with an intro along the lines of this. 

it seems so simple but it does so much. it introduces the main characters (gr!wilbur and angel), shows the setting (rooftop), and sets up a conflict that can keep readers engaged (why is he stomping away from her? why is she following?)

it was such an actually life changing thing to find and its just so creative. 

–two, make sure that youre making it clear whos talking!!

this is a bit more difficult if youre someone like me who doesnt like the you/your or even the i pronouns in fics (idk it just seems too personal to me, i like to think of the reader as a character in itself), but it is still equally as important to establish whose speaking in the text. 

THIS ALSO INCLUDES MAKING A NEW PARAGRAPH FOR NEW PIECES OF DIALOGUE!!!!! 

look at the difference between;

"hey- i didn't expect a hello from you, but a thank you would at least be nice!" she yelled as he speed-walked away with his grumpy walk and stone shoulders. "i'm talking to you!"

"and i'm not," he grumbled, fiddling to put his hood back onto his head as a way of closing himself off. 

"just-" she flapped her wings, trying to be alongside him. "just have some gummy worms, please?" 

and 

"hey- i didn't expect a hello from you, but a thank you would at least be nice!" she yelled as he speed-walked away with his grumpy walk and stone shoulders. "i'm talking to you!" "and i'm not," he grumbled, fiddling to put his hood back onto his head as a way of closing himself off. "just-" she flapped her wings, trying to be alongside him. "just have some gummy worms, please?" 

its the same words and the same text and the same dialogue but the second is just SO compressed and confusing to read "especially if you have a character talk like this" "and then another piece of dialogue with nothing in between" 

another thing i like to do to establish this is have alternating dialogue. this was difficult to do since gr wilbur isnt exactly the talkative type, but i wouldnt make angel speak in one paragraph, and then the next speak again. if that makes sense. 

like this;

"i want you to have them right now," she enunciated her words, crossing her arms and trying to copy his expression. she was fighting her usual bright smile under her pursed lips. "in front of me." 

"you look like you haven't been taking care of yourself," as she spoke through a pout, he could feel his face warming up, like tiny little punching bags beneath his skin. "i wanna make sure you're eating." 

its reallyyyy obvious that when there's a conversation, its two people speaking. and from just a reader's standpoint, i began to read the second pragraph as if it was wilbur speaking. which of course didn't make sense. 

so even if character 2 (wilbur in this case) doesnt speak, i try to add either a description (what are they doing? even if character 2 isnt responding, how are they reacting to character 1? whats their body language? facial language?) or a small tinyyyy bit of dialogue. 

–three, sometimes less is more!!! 

a lot of the times when i try to paint a picture, i end up over explaining things and the meaning of the words get lost when i use too many of them. 

you could have the most profound description thatll make readers wanna tug their hearts out, but if its too overused then it kinda loses its meaning. its like the dynamics of a song in the sense that the loud parts are only loud because there are super soft parts. 

heres an example i have from one of my older fics;

"Your teeth bit on the inside of your cheek as you sat down, more closer to the stage this time. Your knee rose and fell quickly as your leg bounced with nerve."

it may not seem like a lot, but chances are that people already understood the fact that the reader was nervous, so showing that she bit her lip AND was bouncing her leg was just counterintuitive. 

there are so many more examples of me doing this in the past but umm i dont wanna unearth those anymore

dont get me wrong; you should still add descriptors, but just dont overdo it. and sometimes i see people who have the opposite, in the sense that they dont have enough descriptors and its equally as confusing. so find a happy medium!! 

example of not enough;

"hi wilbur!" she spoke. 

"hi, angel," he responded. 

"how are you?" she smiled with a giggle. 

he sighed happily at her laughter. "i'm good."

im so guilty of this honestly and im so rusty cuz a huge factor of it is practice!!! 

–four, this kind of links to the last one, but Little Details. 

this might just be a personal preference, but i love little details When theyre done right!! 

one of my favorite people who does this is the infamous writer . u know her . u love her. @harbingerofheartbreak my very good friend 

i first noticed this in her fic, "archangel," soot;

"i know he's a prick. do you think i want him to teleport to me everytime i have a fucking mental breakdown?" you slammed the sponge down and turned to him, pointing a soapy finger.

reading the words "soapy finger" like actually changed my life in a way i didnt know was possible. just the adding of small details that arent just "she shrugged" or "he sighed", but instead adding to the setting and scene and adding special little details Without Overdoing It!!!

it just . ugh . i dont know if its just a writer noticing these small things, but i find it really cool how it adds so much and makes you really feel like the author put work into making those tiny little things. 

also another huge personal preference but i really love alliteration and play on words type stuff. i will always sneak in a little alliteration just to keep my work interesting with a certain flow to it. also (if your reader is anyone like me), putting a little alliteration adds emphasis and attention to certain things. 

its really really nice, but the accumulation of all these little details takes SO much attention and so much practice, so dont be frustrated if its difficult to think of on your first couple tries!! 

–five, dialogue!! 

i spoke about trying to replicate books as best as i can, and dialogue is one of the most important things in that sense. i often see fics who show expression through dialogue, and i used to do it too, but it just looks generally unprofessional (imo!!)

for example;

"WILBUR!!" she screamed. "WILBUR GIVE IT BACK!!!- I'LL KILL YOUUU!!"

wilbur laughed. "i-i dont... know what y-you're talking about..-! haha..."

"wilbur!" she yelped, suffocated through her laughter. her lungs betrayed her as she playfully slapped him. "wilbur give it back- ill kill you!" 

wilbur frantically looked around, his hands behind his back and his eyes wandering. "i dont- i dont know what youre talking about." he spoke, in a sing-song tone.

kinda an exaggeration but ive seen so many fics write dialogue like the first one and idk if its another personal preference, but it just doesnt seem really professional. and usually when you put all the emotion into dialogue like that, it takes away from the emotion you could incorporate into a character's actions or body language or even their thoughts. 

i try to avoid writing dialogue in all caps or with too much punctuation or stuttering, because again, less is more. but also dont do too little;

“see wilbur it wasn’t so difficult was it?” she giggled, and the noise stabbed wilbur a thousand times in the stomach.

“actually it was,” he bit the inside of his cheek, rocking back and forth on his heels with nervousness. “my bed is a literal stone i wish it were made out of feathers."

“see, wilbur? it wasn’t so difficult, was it?” she giggled, and the noise stabbed wilbur a thousand times in the stomach.

“actually, it was,” he bit the inside of his cheek, rocking back and forth on his heels with nervousness. “my bed is a literal stone. i wish it were made out of feathers."

it may seem minuscule, but things like this can ruin the flow of your work. what keeps me engaged as a reader is the plot or the writing style or the characters, not the fact that i have to slow down to remind myself whos talking or where they were supposed to pause when they spoke. that kinda stuff just unmotivates me to read it, if that makes sense. 

–six, FORESHADOWING AND CONNECTING

one of the most powerful things ever is foreshadowing and as above so below has a TON of it. idk if i can share examples cuz a lot of it is foreshadowing for the sequel, but i like to picture foreshadowing as a sort of inside joke. its special cuz it feels like a little secret between you and the author that only you know. it also shows that you have a coherent plan and youre not just writing on the fly. its professional and its personal. 

another huge thing is connecting. wrap the story up the same way you began it or make small nods to it as you go. 

in the beginning;

she had a lot of questions about wilbur. 

not the type of, "what's your favorite color?" or "what's your favorite band?" questions. more like, "on a scale of one to ten, how much does being a murderer really affect your mood?" 

all of these questions would go unanswered. including "what's your favorite band?" no matter what, she just could not crack the code of wilbur soot. 

to say he was intricate would be an understatement, and her ongoing curiosity would surely be the death of her. 

unless he had something to do about it. 

at a turning point;

“so, what’s your favorite color?” she asked in a light tone, licking at her ice cream.

a wave of dismay washed over his face. he couldn’t think. “t-teal?”

“really? i wouldn’t have guessed that,” she swung her legs beneath the bench, clearly unbothered by wilbur’s confusion. “you don’t really dress like a teal-lover. do you think the moon is real?" 

what? 

"no, bad question. hmm. what’s your favorite band?”

his heart fell into the pit of his stomach, thorns poking at his sides creating a terrible sting on his abdomen. he opened his mouth to speak- maybe cry and release his feelings; but nothing came up. not even an answer to her stupid question. it was nauseating. 

she began talking about the sort of music she liked, but none of it struck his brain. he felt sick. he wanted to scream and sob and punch something. but he sat still like he was posing for a renaissance painting.

at the end;

she still had a lot of questions for wilbur. 

not the type of, "what's your favorite color?" or "what's your favorite band?" questions. more like, "wilbur? hello? please help- this hurts- are you still there?" 

and she was starting to lose hope in the fact that those questions might be answered. 

one things for sure; her curiosity will be the death of her. 

unless he's got the courage to do something about it

even just the slight nod to the beginning gives your readers a reminder of everything, and drawing back to your beginning is like wrapping everythint up with a nice little bow ^_^

–seven, characterization and descriptors 

this could also connect to one of the previous tips, but Stop Describing Characters So Much when theyre introduced!! 

if you're introducing a character, dont give an entire paragraph to describing their height, eye color, hair color, clothes, etc. its boring and doesn't engage people and it messes up the flow. 

dont get me wrong, you can mention those things in quick passing so that your reader isnt confused (ie "his brown hair stood up, still clinging to the static electricity from his hat." or "her white dress went along with the patterns of the wind") but having just one big long paragraph like;

"wilbur was tall. very tall compared to everyone else. he had brown eyes and bushy eyebrows that carried his emotions. he wore a gray hood that sometimes covered his face. he wore a bag that slung across his torso. his brown hair was usually uncombed and messy. he had bags under his eyes."

its just generallt not interesting enough!! tell me about his body language; whats his posture look like? does he hold his head up high with confidence? is he slouched over in careless sadness? 

AND ALWAYSSSS OVEREXAGGERATE INTRODUCTIONS I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGHHH 

pick a signature trait for your character and make it THE most noticeable thing when theyre first introduced. 

angel is naive and optimistic? shes gonna sound stuck up and unrealistic to such an extent that its almost annoying. 

wilbur is grumpy? the first thing hes gonna do is be super duper mean and hurt everyones feelings 

quackitys a jokester? first thing he does is tell wilbur to literally take his shirt off 

there's such a power in establishing a character into a certain category and playing with that. think about their characterization; is this category gonna change? will it change positively or negatively? will it change quickly? what makes it change? why? theres SO much to he said about character arcs in itself. 

another huge thing about characterization is just being realistic. it doesnt really apply to au fics like gr!wilbur, but if youre writing a blurb about wilbur at a concert- im so sorry but there is barely a chance that hes gonna go up to one of his Fans and instantly fall in love with them. 

and everyone has a preference of course!! if thats your kind of jam, go ahead im not judging. but as a personal preference, i don't really enjoy it when the characters dont seem realistic or wilbur's dialogue is definitely not something that he would say. 

but again, at the end of the day, everyone has their preferences and by all means tweak your writing to YOUR standards!! write whatever makes you happy!! dont let some writer named zone let you dictate how to write and what you should or shouldnt write. it should all be with your own preference (and also respecting other peoples boundaries ofc) 

one of the biggest mistakes ive made as a writer was robotically writing, or in other words only writing so that i could Produce something and get a couple notes on tumblr and thats it. doing that is what made me fall out of love and with writing. 

aasb was the first fic i finished on my own accord, and of course i had friends like flore and carrie to push me on to continue, but i wrote it because it was an idea i loved. not because i wanted to post it for the people of tumblr. thats one of the beautiful things that flore taught me, whether it was unintentional or not, but its helped me so much. 

and a ton of these tips takes Time and Practice as everything unfortunately does. ive certainly improved my writing game since like 4 years ago from both reading and writing to pick up certain little traits that ive loved from other peoples works and incorporated it into my own style. 

i think the person whose had the most influence on my writing is. in fact. florence harbingerofheartbreak. and im not even saying that cuz shes my friend im genuinely so amazed by her work and her stuff is severely underrated 

and also this is only a fragment of tips, there are a plethora of actual professionals that could give out their tips but again at the end of the day its all what You Do. 

and by all means id loooove to read any of your works (not just this anon, any of your guys' works) so please please please dont be afraid to send em to me!! i hope these tips help ^_^

[starfruitgirlie]

as someone who is diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and adhd, executive dysfunction is my bread and butter, it's an almost daily occurrence in my life that I have been able to tackle over time. here is a long dump of how i manage those feelings.

disclaimer: i have received professional treatment including medication, these things are just habits ive built/are building that help improve my life on top of the treatment

I get super sick about 2-3 times a year and i'm out of school for 3-5 days at a time. i had one of these occurrences just before my spring break so i missed 3-4 tests that were very important. naturally when i got back i had a billion things to do that involved going in early at the crack of dawn. the first thing that really helps my brain is writing down everything i have to do. not putting it on my phone, ive found that it doesn't help whatsoever and that actually writing it in a notebook or just on a sticky note helps a lot more. next i email my teachers. i'm someone who starts and ends all my emails like "im so sorry to bother you im such an awful lowly creature and im an annoyance so sorry" so i get nervous about it but 99% of the time if you are reasonable, polite, and get to the point teachers will not mind. (even if your teacher is an asshole, there are always other teachers/staff who will help). In my experience the fact that you even email in the first place says something because a lot of kids just wander into class and say "yeah i was gone what are we doing" and it makes their lives and yours easier to know what to expect when you get to class. once you figure out what you missed DO THE ASSIGNMENTS. i'm a really bad procrastinator but im a successful procrastinator so even if you have to spend 8 hours cramming on a sunday just do it. i know not everyone has the flexibility for their schedule that i do but i utilize going in early a lot. you don't often get one-on-one advice from teachers and having that time (for free no less) makes a difference. my school offers morning resource and saturday resource for things like this. so this week i went in before class and went in during my lunch time to work. i was able to finish 99% of my missing work and i only have one more assignment to complete.

I don't really do a lot of after school activities besides volunteering so i use my downtime to work on my creative hobbies but i have a lot of flexibility so i take advantage of times when i could be getting help. it's easy to feel hopeless like there's no way to get everything done but your teachers want you to succeed and are available more often than not. just communicate! side note, lying about being busy won't do you any good. being more honest about your time management and mental health is better (in my experience). your teacher doesn't know if your parents just got divorced, they only know you have 5 missing assignments.

while i do try to "glamorize" my self care routine by pretending im a youtuber i tend to be more efficient when i get in the okay lets just get shit done mindset. I don't have the money to invest in a really complicated skin care routine but i do my research and remember that while im so tired i have to get up and wash my face. routines have always been tough for me but thinking of it like okay im a tv character about to go to bed let's do all these pretty things. plus, im so gross if i dont. Also, self care is sometimes doing the stuff you don't like doing but you have to do. you're doing it for yourself, you're helping out future you from crying on the floor because of giant laundry loads. i used to not keep up simple cleaning and wait until it got so bad that i had to clean, but establishing little chores to do makes it a lot more manageable. the way i wired this for my adhd brain was thinking about it in "im in the room, i see the thing, i may as well take care of it because its on my mind" i admit its not the most efficient way of doing things i often just do tasks i see in one room rather than sorting things out but it works for me. i think of it like when you're cleaning your room and you find your old DS and you start to play it. that piece of laundry on the floor? i may be in the middle of doing this but i'm going to pick it up and bring it to the laundry room right now. if its terribly inconvenient for me i have to write it down and make it so obvious for future me that i can't just forget about it. a method i do is take an item i use daily and put it in the area that needs attention. that way i will be sure to remember it.

the mindset of "well future me will be grateful for this" and "may as well do it now" may not seem glamorous but it's effective for my brain.

this may backfire on me later but i've been reading up more on hygiene and germs bc the more i think about it the more grossed out i get and the more im motivated to clean/do chores.

i'm also a teenager so im always on my phone playing crossy road or looking at pinterest, so something i do now is if i need to go to my room quickly to get something, i leave my phone where i am so i dont get side tracked and distracted. leaving my phone somewhere in a drawer or in a closed room helps get distractions away. granted my brain finds so many ways to still be distracted but it helps.

this last one may be a little crazy but i talk to myself. not in the having conversations it's just when im in an unmotivated depressive state it helps to talk out loud what im thinking/feeling. it helps my situation not seem so daunting and controlling, and more like im in control. (ex: "okay i feel like crap and i don't want to do anything but my closet is incredibly messy so im going to clean it")

executive dysfunction does not equal laziness, mental health is a serious thing and even with medication things can still feel chaotic and out of your control. i find it hard to take mental health advice from people who haven't experienced it themselves, and i have so i want to make those teens like me who felt so useless and lazy like they aren't crazy and they are valid. being depressed at ages 12-14 is like hell because one you're depressed and you're also super cringey so it's going to be a hard experience but being able to get up and take a shower and change your socks makes it less hard. thanks for reading i am extremely long winded and i don't feel compelled to shorten this post smell ya later

[cr-yellow]

1, 4, 17, 27, 33, 49, 58, 61, and 70

THANK U SM ILY HFIREJIJFOIJFR

Despite the fact I've started an extremely long and detailed multi-chapter fic, which I love dearly, it is no secret that I prefer one-shots. I have a hard time finishing fic and one-shots leave no room for incomplete fics when I get too busy! They also tend to do better for me somehow.

4. My new ideas... I get a lot of inspo from other people, from other fics, and from fanart! I thrive off of other people a LOT. Sometimes I do just love rewatching something and letting my mind wander tho

17. When writing becomes difficult for me (which it often does) I usually just try to center myself with things that make me feel better about it. Rereading the fic itself to remember why I loved it, talking to other people about the fic, trying to be patient with myself to actually have fun with it, re-reading the heart-wrenching comments left for me (SERIOUSLY I LOVE THIS SM), and most of all remembering that creativity is an ebb and flow and I won't always be creative!

27. My favorite part of writing has to be when I actually complete something and put it out into the word. Whether that is a chapter or a one-shot, when I finally get to share this thing that I've been doing with others... it's so good. I also love being able to see the surprise when I give them a twist. My least favorite part has to be.. well sometimes I get to a scene, right? I've done some research, have to do more (ugh!) which feels like a lot. Then when I finally get to writing it, I don't know where I want the scene to go what's going to happen next. Even the tiny details like how they're going to stand. Getting over those little hurdles takes me a while sometimes. All I want to do is get into the meat of the dialogue! Ugh!

33. I do actually want to be published some day! I have something I've been working on for a long, long time but I've never had the confidence to really get into or finish. Lately I hit a slump with it and it kind of bummed me out for a while. I'm glad I can write other things like LWH.

49. Rude reviews... unfortunately for me I don't have a big enough pull in order to get comments like that. Usually I have an overwhelmingly positive response to my writing. There was once when I was just starting to write... *shudder* they dragged me all over Twitter. It was a whole thing. I kind of deserved it.

58. What part of writing do I like the most. Hm. This one is tough. Going to be totally honest here, I only outline fics like LWH that have a lot of details I don't want to mess up and I barely use or stick to the outline. I guess if I had to pick it would be between brainstorming and reading the final product. I get caught up in brainstorming a lot because I have so many ideas so quickly and its usually main plots and relationships. I have so many ideas that die in this phase and it kind of sucks, but I love the rush that comes with new exciting ideas. Reading the final product would probably be my fave part though- not the editing. Just. I like to come back to my fic after a while, like a few days or a week or so, and then reread it. And its like I get to read that fanfic I was looking for that tickles all the right spots. Because I did that. (Sometimes, if Ive waited long enough, I forget what happens and its all new to me!!)

61. I guess I continue writing fics for two reasons. (Im so sorry I'm indecisive). 1- I love being able to share them with people and see their reactions. it gets me every time. 2- recently I've been really into writing for me. It isn't just about other people. Especially with LWH where I've done so much research, it feels like. Heres this thing. I want to do it to finish it, yeah, to share it, maybe. But I really wanna do it because I like seeing where it goes and I like being able to apply my research in interesting ways.

70. I am So embarrassed to tell people I write. Like if I know you IRL there is NO way I'm telling you anything about my writing. Maybe because of being on Tumblr? IDK. But online I'm way more willing and happy to share cause. you're never going to look me in the eyes and know I wrote smut fanfiction about Sans/Komaeda. You're never going to know about the terrible things I've written about. If I just had LWH on my page, maybe, since I'm mostly proud of that even if it is a little weird, but... I have so many others.

Thank you so much for the Ask! I realize I don't talk much on here about my writing and my process. It's so fun!

Feel free to ask me more questions from here!

[just-some-random-blogger]

good morning/day/evening, my lovely angel!! youre soso sweet and cute i cant TT 'i was bummed out i couldnt write' its ok dont worry about me! your comfort is the thing that matters the most! give yourself time. 'i havent written in 2 days' its ok. i cant state but do you think it may be burning out? bc you work really hard and have lots of work beside writing. you really owe nothing to anyone. ill repeat it as many times as i need. bc you do great, you study, do covers, you do a lot. thats more than great! you still worth the world and let down noone. and if anyone have the guts to say otherwise, i can have their tongue. you are the priority. if you dont feel like writing, maybe you shouldnt force yourself to do it to even lessen your minds ability to do it rn. give yourself time. tumblrs nothing when it comes to your mental powers. i dont remember if you say smth about 'kiss it better' later but id talk abt it here. i hope things will get better for you. hope your manifest works really well and ability to do creative things cutie. its very comforting. hope you enjoyed writing it. also the whole concept made me remember the song 'guard you' by young k. its just the most comforting song for me. its released on my bday but for some reason i ignored it for months? ill never forgive this. its really good to have someone to take care of you and 'guard you'. even if im not next to you, remember im always here for you and will always support you. 'i have to keep making art. i cant stop' its great if you cant and feel like it. but please dont force and overwork yourself. you are still you if you currently dont have strength to make art. 'i do love his name' your love for masc feminine names is so adorable TT hes not completely CRINGE meme but not a kind(?) meme either. its difficult to explain esp with how humor here is but yes. 'why didnt you put an episode number' i watched it like.. 2 years ago. you think i remember? im a grandcat myself. i need to do a research for it. maybe at weekends (basically its saturday even here rn but nvm). first epp with matt smith is pretty touching esp with karen gillah and a little drama they have but i also like peter capaldis doctor. esp the beginning of his era. well see. and i never watched davids seasons TT im sorry but its true, cant help you here. 'if i cant write this rn' and hows it? 'poor bb girl witch' nooo she shouldnt feel like it TT the point is she loves her love more than she loves the very daemon. 'sounds tiring' reasonable. ig it can be said abt all my ideas. btw, wfal isnt tiring you? or like a burden? ik you dont like writing long things so im kinds worried now. 'i need a cleanse fic' is it kiss it better? anyway do wild girl! 'but i’ll listen to it later' did you listen to it?... im not making you, just interested ghdjfj. also! ive only learnt abt 'Running up That Hill' by Kate Bush (in another witchy playlist...) and 1) i LOVE it sm her voice and the way of singing is so enchanting? 2) it gives me waiting for a lifetime vibes.. yeah its origin meaning isnt exactly abt it but its the magic of art isnt it? the opportunity to interpret it however you want. and the deal with god pretty much reminds me of the au. 'you’ve got such a beautiful brain' thanks TT take it after my catmom. ive got lots of things to do for the exams but my mental state has only allowed me to watch videos with kitties, cry cats and dogs and listen to this song of kate for the past week. theres the one i cried hardest over (subjectively) and theres the one i cried hardest (objectively). theyre just cute if you ever feel like it. and HEs so tiny i SCREAMED. thats it. just cute vids to bring your mood up. how are you? whats the weather like? hope you are or will soon do great. have a nice day/evening/night! ill try to find an episode and write down some ideas, maybe youll find some inspiration in them. good luck with all the hw and assignments! take care! love you<з *freezy kisses for you to not burn in your weather*

hello my love <3 <3 <3

meow meow muning <3

good morning/day/evening, my lovely angel!! youre soso sweet and cute i cant TT

wait why am i so sweet? what did i do?

anyway LOOOK I GOT A NEW OUTFIT FOR LISA!!!

here she is normally

that's all.

'i was bummed out i couldnt write' its ok dont worry about me! your comfort is the thing that matters the most! give yourself time.

T_T but i love you

'i havent written in 2 days' its ok. i cant state but do you think it may be burning out?

T_T ... i think youre right. T_T

bc you work really hard and have lots of work beside writing. you really owe nothing to anyone. ill repeat it as many times as i need. bc you do great, you study, do covers, you do a lot. thats more than great! you still worth the world and let down noone. and if anyone have the guts to say otherwise, i can have their tongue. you are the priority. if you dont feel like writing, maybe you shouldnt force yourself to do it to even lessen your minds ability to do it rn. give yourself time. tumblrs nothing when it comes to your mental powers.

thank you. this means a lot to me to hear this. you dont know how very much your words mean to me.

i want to write. but i cant. i want to write ideas outside my reqs but also i want to make reqs but also i cant. i dont know

i dont remember if you say smth about 'kiss it better' later but id talk abt it here. i hope things will get better for you. hope your manifest works really well and ability to do creative things cutie. its very comforting. hope you enjoyed writing it.

i dont know if i enjoyed writing it but while rereading it i was like 'damn im really good at writing' i hope i get out of this hitch T_T

also the whole concept made me remember the song 'guard you' by young k. its just the most comforting song for me. its released on my bday but for some reason i ignored it for months? ill never forgive this. its really good to have someone to take care of you and 'guard you'. even if im not next to you, remember im always here for you and will always support you.

omg this was yonks parting gift before enlisting. (i call young-k yonk cos thats what it reads like yonk HAHHAH) im so touched that you feel this way towards me T_T i feel the same for you. lol its so funny you ignored it but ended up loving it HAHAH. i want a hug from you for real i want to cry.

'i have to keep making art. i cant stop' its great if you cant and feel like it. but please dont force and overwork yourself. you are still you if you currently dont have strength to make art.

T_T i want a hug. i dont know if im forcing myself but maybe youre right i should stop T_T

'i do love his name' your love for masc feminine names is so adorable TT hes not completely CRINGE meme but not a kind(?) meme either. its difficult to explain esp with how humor here is but yes.

i have nothing else to say about him so heres him with a dog <3 i love the dog dog <3

'why didnt you put an episode number' i watched it like.. 2 years ago. you think i remember? im a grandcat myself. i need to do a research for it. maybe at weekends (basically its saturday even here rn but nvm).

grandcat T_T it ok i just assumed you had an episode in mind. you dont have to research

first epp with matt smith is pretty touching esp with karen gillah and a little drama they have

i'll watch that!

but i also like peter capaldis doctor. esp the beginning of his era.

ive seen crack edits of jenna coleman and him and i kinda wanna watch his too

well see. and i never watched davids seasons TT im sorry but its true, cant help you here.

LOL HAHHAH thats fine thank you anyway i love you

'if i cant write this rn' and hows it?

T_T i cant write it im sorry

'poor bb girl witch' nooo she shouldnt feel like it TT the point is she loves her love more than she loves the very daemon.

She loves her love for daemon more than daemon himself? or daemon lovers her more than daemon ???

'sounds tiring' reasonable. ig it can be said abt all my ideas.

its not your idea that tiring its the idea of writing that tires me. baby i love your ideas T_T please stop exploding on yourself

btw, wfal isnt tiring you? or like a burden? ik you dont like writing long things so im kinds worried now.

🙄 gee. i literally make mood boards for it, i wonder if its tiring. well ok enough sarcasm, it is very much laborious but its a labor of love. i have not enjoyed writing a... series in a long time. its not a burden. i promise you i will stop writing that fic once i feel like im done with it. i was partially joking about ending i at p5 but i do hope i manage to keep it short T_T asfhs/flhsd

'i need a cleanse fic' is it kiss it better? anyway do wild girl!

it was. but idk if i was cleansed

'but i’ll listen to it later' did you listen to it?... im not making you, just interested ghdjfj.

i listened to the first part of the first song and i ejected i dont remember why but i guess i didnt like the vibe T_T

also! ive only learnt abt 'Running up That Hill' by Kate Bush (in another witchy playlist...) and 1) i LOVE it sm her voice and the way of singing is so enchanting? 2) it gives me waiting for a lifetime vibes.. yeah its origin meaning isnt exactly abt it but its the magic of art isnt it? the opportunity to interpret it however you want. and the deal with god pretty much reminds me of the au.

ive listened to this song before. she does have a very strong and enchanting voice. im honored that my fic reminds you things T_T thats so sweet and so nice of you. im honored to have such an impact on you <3

'you’ve got such a beautiful brain' thanks TT take it after my catmom. ive got lots of things to do for the exams but my mental state has only allowed me to watch videos with kitties, cry cats and dogs and listen to this song of kate for the past week.

you and i are so same. our mental capacities are overloaded. i think i might really just stop writing for a while T_T idk ive got these ideas i want to get out of my brain though

theres the one i cried hardest over (subjectively)

T_T PUMA PUMA <3

and theres the one i cried hardest (objectively).

LOOONG BABY FLOOF <3

theyre just cute if you ever feel like it. and HEs so tiny i SCREAMED.

ive seen this before T_T theyre SO tiny i squishhhhh

thats it. just cute vids to bring your mood up.

thank you they mean so much <3 this post is really cute too. im luv

how are you?

im currently in class not listening because id rather reply to you. dw its a concept ive studied before. my head hurts and im hungry. i also want to pee so badly but i cant leave my desk. i want to read fics to badly

whats the weather like?

its so hot my head hurts

hope you are or will soon do great.

me too i hope you are also well.

have a nice day/evening/night!

i love you i hope you have a nice day too <3

ill try to find an episode and write down some ideas, maybe youll find some inspiration in them.

thank you so much <3 the fact you care enough to do that. T_T thank you.

good luck with all the hw and assignments! take care! love you<з

me too T_T i want to graduate. i dont want to fail. i cant fail. T_T i feel dumb sometimes even though i know deep down im not T_T

*freezy kisses for you to not burn in your weather*

thank you <3 i love you

i also wanted to share this video about wolves. i love it so much. it makes me love nature so much. it makes you realize how important it is to allow animals to stay in their habitats.

also this tiger series. i used to watch this so much. i love tiggers love love love

i love you bye bye my love

xxx

[beecampbell]

hello! sorry for bothering you, but I'm curious. I haven't watched supernatural in like maybe 5 years, maybe more, and haven't really been following the actors either. can you please explain why people hate Jared so much? what happened? I keep seeing all the hate posts and people celebrating j2 potential falling out but I'm so confused lmao 😅

Hi! Good morning. I'll try to be as clear and concise as possible, going from his smallest offense to his worst.

Jared is widely thought to be, especially in the later seasons, a passable actor at best and mediocre at worst. His performances got extremely repetitive and uninteresting. We like to dunk on him about that.

On set, Jared was a true nuisance to both the team behind the camera and other actors. When you watch bloopers, once again from the later seasons in particular, it's clear that he is the instigator most of the time and cannot for the life of him stay focused and serious. He took things too far to the point of annoying almost everyone who worked with him, delaying scenes, playing dangerous pranks, touching his co-workers inappropriately, etc. You could argue some of it is funny, like the "ball handler" debacle or whatever, but it gets all extremely tired after a bit. Just fucking act the scene man, you're not a comedian.

He also used to use Twitter to shit on service people he didn't like and bash them as well as the establishments they worked at, as if that's normal behavior for a grown man in the public sphere.

Now for the more, I guess, intense stuff. Jared is known for his bouts of anger and his violent temper. He has assaulted a bartender in 2019 and allegedly tried to bribe the police officers as soon as they showed up on the scene. This whole situation got us this wonderful mugshot.

(I hate that I have this picture on my phone now)

There are a bunch of other things I'm probably forgetting, and other things I simply can't bring myself to think about. For exemple, he mocked Phillip Seymour Hoffman for... Dying I guess? He's just vile.

Cons are too embarrassing for me to watch, but I'm sure he's insufferable during those too.

Now for what has happened last night, Jensen and Danneel announced that they were going to produce a Supernatural prequel about John and Mary, something everyone was both confused and slightly angry about at first, but then it turned great when Jared began explaining publicly on twitter that he had no idea that this was happening and that he was quite sad about it, or in his words, gutted. He obviously wasn't made aware or asked to participate in the project, which does sound strange considering he was one of the leads on this godforsaken show for its entire run. It's fair to believe that the people participating in the project didn't think it necessary or interesting in any way to have him collaborate on it. Jensen and Jared are known to be quite good friends, so this obviously came as a shock to Jared, but many of us already believed they had been drifting apart (this is known as the J2 fallout theory). Now though, we know it wasn't just a theory, and something is truly amiss. If there wasn't a previous fallout and this was nothing but a misunderstanding, Jared made sure to create the problem on his own with his big fucking mouth.

Thank you for asking! Felt great to talk shit about him, I hate him a lot ♥️

[carnalcringe]

* hi :D could you maybe do the inside job gang comforting a dysphoric transmasc reader? Like maybe giving them masc compliments and like getting them food and stuff

Hey!!

I struggle with Gigi and Myc but I can sure try

ALSO THANKYOU FOR DOING MY ASKS IVE BEEN PRAYING FOR BRETT CONTENTFOREVER

Note that I am Bigender (Feminine/female presenting) so if I write anything that may come off as upsetting or wrong PLEASE let me know)))

Inside Job x Trans-Masc/Afab Reader

Reagan

I feel like Reagan would be rly nonchalant about it.

Like no matter how it came out ( like wether it was made known from the start or if you found out after meeting her and/or came out.) she would have no problems with it.

If you’re feeling dysphoric she’s a little lost on how to comfort you. She struggles with social cues so she may not notice unless you said something.

If you tell her what you need she’s definitely there to help though. Wanna borrow some baggy clothes? Let her wash them first. Want some comfort food? Door dash. Need to take your mind off it? How about a marathon?

She completely forgets your binding (if you bind) until she sees the binder. But instantly when she sees it she’d ask how long you’ve been wearing it.

I imagine you two have this cute little thing where you both take your meds in the morning. If you’re medicated then obviously you’re taking your meds, if not then She helps you with the T shots. If it’s gel then maybe she helps you rub it in.

Sleepy yawns and mumbling while you get ready for your day

Brett

He’s so sweet about it omg

I think he’s rly up to speed with LGBTQ issues and shit

Brett is obviously the pinochle of manliness (/hj) so he’s so eager to help you out with anything you need.

He’s rich right? He’d constantly ask to pay for your treatment.

If you’re feeling dysphoric he’s there to do absolutely anything. He’s doing the cooking and the cleaning, just focus on feeling better

He’s such a doting partner, everything you need he’s got. Showering you with complements and reassurance.

Gigi

She’s happy for you, also pretty chill about it but she’s a little more receptive than Reagan

I imagine that if this is like a new thing (like you came out after knowing/dating her for a while) she’d practically drag you to the mall for a new wardrobe.

She’s an absolute fashion diva, only name brand and designer are fitting for her lover.

“Babe. This top is just your shade.” “Have you seen these shoes??”

Makes sure you’re in therapy and if necessary, medicated. No excuses

She’s very ‘Get moving and you’ll feel better.’

If you’re pre-op, she’s on your ass about taking binder breaks and making sure you’re keeping up with hygiene.

If you’re post-op, she’d help you change your bandages and keep you comfy

“Honey have you eaten today?”

“No, I haven’t really had the energy-“

“Put some pants on, Sushi or the Cheesecake Factory?”

Andre

I absolutely think he’d make your T.

Don’t trust him with surgery though he cannot be trusted with a scalpel.

If you’re up for it, he’s got plenty of drugs to help keep your mind off the dysphoria.

You tryna load up on fast food he’s got that covered.

In All seriousness, He’s great at physical reassurance. He’ll snuggle the shit feelings away. Just lay down and listen to his fucked up heartbeat.

Probably better at physical than vocal/mental.

“You know what makes me feel better when I’m upset?”

“Cocai-“

“Cocaine.”

“I’m not doing cocaine.”

“…ok… how about Wendy’s?”

Myc

Im so sorry but I cannot figure out how to write myc in this

I HOPE THIS IS GOOD- AGAIN PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF ANY OF THIS IS OFFENSIVE OR UPSETTING I TRIED TO DO RESEARCH BUT I MAY HAVE MADE MISTAKES)))

[aro-culture-is]

I accepted my asexuality pretty quickly. The country i live in sees the topic of sex as taboo and its never talked about. NEVER. Its toxic and bad but meh, its the culture. Maybe the reason i never had a problem with it was becauss im asexual.

But realising i might be aro is not. Im struggling with internalized arophobia. Im having identity crisis and existential crisis. And ive heard being aro/ace can be due to trauma? Is that real? Because if it is, lots of things start to make sense about me. Aplatonic aros? Is that a thing too? Ive always felt unfit. Never wanted a friend but seeing everyone in a group or with someone made me feel unworthy and broken from a young age. I don't want a traditional family and i feel like the one i currently am in would've gotten rid of me a long time ago if they could. My dad never kept it a secret how he disliked us, i know my mom sees me as a failure even tho she reassures me, and my brother's world is totally different from me. The few friends i managed to keep throughout the years either gotten on with their lives or found better people. What's the point of living then? Am i even human? How are other aros doing it? Am i aro or just a really shitty person who lost faith in love a long time ago? I need help

hi,

for one, yes - being a-spec can be due to trauma. There's even a microlabel for being aro (caedromantic) or ace (caedsexual) due to trauma.

aplatonic (apl) aros are absolutely a thing!

I'm so very sorry that you've had such a terrible experience with your family. Coming from an emotionally abusive household, I know how much it can completely change how you interact with others. If it is available and mental health services are okay in your country, I'd really recommend seeing a therapist. Even if you don't discuss aromanticism, asexuality, or aplatonicism, it's worth discussing with a professional about the ways you have been affected by the trauma of a family that never seems to accept you.

speaking again as a traumatized individual - as i've worked on my mental health, accepting my trauma, and moving forwards from my trauma, I personally have only grown more capable of accepting myself as aromantic and aplatonic-spectrum. I've learned that my life is my own; I can define what makes me happy in life and seek that, even if others will never understand.

I don't enjoy romantic relationships or living with others - so for me, my ideal future involves planning around living alone and what makes me happiest within that framework. I've considered that I do still get lonely, and that I'd love to have a cat - probably two, since some research seems to indicate cats generally are better adjusted when there are two.

I've thought about how I use my time - I'm disabled and in literal, full-body physical pain 24/7. Going places is an activity that requires me to plan recovery time, so I work especially hard to make my daily living comfortable. I'm currently working on finding little ways to make my life easier - putting meds, food, and water within easy reach of my bed and desk, for example - and learning to allow myself to enjoy those little things.

There's a certain amount of childish glee I'm learning to allow myself to enjoy from small activities. Those, for me, are a primary set of reasons to live. I enjoy my lotions, I eat breakfast for every meal, I lipsync in my bathroom mirror and giggle at my expressions. I learn to live as myself and I learn to see the small joys in it.

This isn't to suggest you aren't trying hard enough to find those joys! I don't think I truly could have done this without anti-depressants, therapy, and supportive friends (friendship is... complicated for me). You will have your own path forwards. I promise that with time and practice, things get better. It's rarely a sudden moment of change. It's often a sensation of taking a deep breath, saying to yourself "I am allowed to feel this way, and I am allowed to do what helps me feel better", and learning to comfort yourself. It's like seeing an echo of your younger self desperately trying not to cry, and realizing that they still exist within you, and you are now also the adult comforting that child, parenting yourself through things your parents never prepared you for.

I really, really hope things improve for you. You deserve to enjoy life. You deserve to not hurt.