#im so full of emotions rn
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talked to school bestie 2 hours on phone god im out of breath with my chest hurting but it so worth the talk
#she was so patient with me listening about bcg#like i do not talk anyone about my relationship because why would i#but i talk to her and everything related to him flows out naturally#because she's know me since i was 9 and we've gone through all these years together knowing each other's personality like no ones#and ofc i didn't start out of nowhere she really wanted to know she said this is serious for us#and i giggled because yes all the times ranting to each other about silly crushes but this is a serious thing#and i could let her know everything and she was so patient so listening towards me#so considerate so tender i almost wanted to say how i miss seeing her face everyday and talking shit until we're both panting with all the#talking#i miss her being in her life actively#god im so grateful for her#she understands me so much not to mention she knows parts of me better than me#i need to let her know next time this everything i mean i have couple of times but yk#im so full of emotions rn
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*sobbing, overwhelmed with emotions* hoot growl... hoot growl... hoot growl...
#how FHJY got me feeling rn.#im so full of emotion rn /pos#fantasy high junior year#d20 fantasy high#d20#fantasy high#dimension 20#FHJY
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Went to Afro Drag tonight and hhhh no words 10/10 the energy was soooo good, everyone was very nice and I danced with strangers and my God some nights you really remember why it is you get to live
#afro drag is a show put on by fierté montreal and its black canadian drag artists and wooowowowoowowow#every single one of them was so good#ive got no voice left#the drag king who performed to 2 lil nas X songs stole my heart#im so full of joy rn#seeing everyone so happy#dancing (possibly for the first time) in the open#without any shame or embarrassment#ok so. my brother called while i was writing those tags and my God. my God. my God.#love is a real emotion im allowed and able to feel and im so full of it so so full#if i was a cloud id rain id rain#im exploding i could die i love you i love you i love you#et je t'aime je t'aime je t'aime je t'aime
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i just read the most heartbreaking bkdk fic Ever and i feel like throwing up. i legit feel so sick
#i don't even have words for the fucking raw emotion i feel rn#im not crying but im so fucking close to full ugly sobs i can't take it#i feel like a train run me over no joke#i need to read something happy and lighthearted or i might go mad#mha#bkdk#the yappening
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reading dazai, chuuya, age fifteen for the finally and now i'm just mad i didn't read it earlier like
first of all why does this have the best first chapter of all time ever like this french waiter lookin ass nameless grunt looks like he smakes cigars and shotguns with hiroutsu tell me i'm wrong you can't
and chuuya chuuya chuuya chuuya chUUYA OH MY BELOVED i am suddenly personally connected with dazai on a spiritual level because i too would become obsessed with this dude if he stomped on my face. i'm already obsessed without him stomping on my face.
ALSO WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT THIS WHY IS THE ENTIRE FANDOM SLEEPING ON THESE PANELS
"what's wrong? i'm just on my tippy toes" chuuya sweetie i am going to go fucking FERAL
ballerina chuuya agenda real
also
everyone else go home like i'm sorry i really am. kunikida babe i love you with a gun dazai you look good with one too tachihara you're my baby but like none of you ever use bullets again please your fully grown asses are embarrassing once i've met fifteen year old chuuya catching bullets in his mouth and blowing back a literal kiss of death back at you like look at his hand at the end there, i'm losing my mind
#also the artstyle if fucking GORGEOUS im going to riot#i am so full of emotions rn idk where to unleash them#HE IS EVERYTHING TO ME YOUR HONOR#look how pretty he is#look how BABY he is#smol chuuya hijacking planes and doing pirouettes so true#also the skk implications here as well like wdym this guy took down a whole plane and literally bit bullets before even finishing puberty#is now doing rich girl impressions in falsetto to make your traitor ass laugh after four years of no contact#bsd makes me feel unwell iidek if i can finish this manga without throwing myself into traffic#bsd#nakahara chuuya#dazai chuuya age fifteen#bsd manga#the sigma show#my post#reading bsd 15
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this is a lighthearted little informational about parasomnias (disruptive sleep-related disorders) that happen when you're falling asleep/waking up. because some of the tags on my exploding head syndrome poll are blowing my mind. more than the ehs does. i am not a doctor i am just parasomnias georg.
hypnagogic/hypnapompic hallucinations are hallucinations that happen when you're falling asleep/waking up. they can be visual, tactile, or auditory. i most often experience auditory hallucinations, and i hear footsteps and indistinct voices. a lot of people hear someone calling their name. when i was little, i had tactile hallucinations that felt like someone was touching/holding my hand. 70% of people experience hypnic hallucinations at least once, plenty of people experience them regularly, and they're completely harmless and they're also not a warning sign that you have or will develop any mental illnesses that involve hallucinations/psychosis.
hypnic jerks are that falling sensation you get as you're falling asleep. we know this one. it's harmless.
exploding head syndrome (or episodic sensory cranial shocks, which doesn't sound any better) happens when you hear a very loud sound (banging, crashing, gunshots, etc) as you're falling asleep/waking up. some people also experience visual/sensory effects (flashing lights or a popping sensation) with it. they're uncommon but once again, completely harmless despite the whole "feels like brain exploded" thing. ive recently learned that a lot of people only hear a sound/see lights and don't have a corresponding popping sensation in their head, which i am jealous of.
ehs is not the same as hypnic hallucinations - hypnic hallucinations can absolutely be startling/scary, but they don't have a jumpscare factor. if you hear someone whisper your name and it kind of wakes you up, that's a hypnic hallucination. if you hear someone scream your name and it makes you startle awake kind of like you would with a hypnic jerk, that's ehs.
hypnic hallucinations, hypnic jerks, and ehs are all exacerbated by stress, a lack of sleep, and medication use. i 100% have them more often when i'm stressed/overtired, and fairly recently i managed to triple-threat myself by starting a new medication and had like ten instances of hypnic jerks/ehs in one night. but that's okay! the brain does weird things when you're stressed and tired, and it often continues to do weird things even when you're not stressed and/or tired just because that in-between sleep/wake state is a weird liminal zone for your brain and sometimes it sets off the wrong signals. they're not a sign of underlying mental or physical illnesses! of course talk to a doc if your symptoms are concerning or getting in the way of sleeping, but. yeah. it's all good!
#sleep paralysis is also a parasomnia that happens during this time its bc ur brain gets stuck in the REM stage where you're usually unable#to move + does weird fucked up emotional and hallucination things to you as a treat. fully possible to feel pain in this state ask me how#i know. but once again you're aight. talk to a doc if it happens a whole lot maybe tho idk treatment options#also some minor sleepwalking/confusional arousal (as in moving around not sexual) can happen during sleep/wake periods it does to me#specifically confusional arousal i'll partially or fully sit up not respond to anyone and then lay back down#i think i have experienced every single possible falling asleep/waking up parasomnia and i Will do so again. side eyes sleep paralysis#re: sleep paralysis. tactile hallucinatory pain. michael distortion paid me a visit and stabbed me. extremely funny in hindsight#wrote this in several bursts with code mistake by corpse/bmth on full blast apologies for any typos im also on double concerta rn
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im feeling like. patriotic about splatoon right now. anyone else feeling like that
#splatoon#serena.txt#im just soooo full of love for this franchise rn im literally so emotional#EVERYONE PLAY SPLATOON I LOVE SPLATOON FOREVER AND WVER AHHRHGHGHH#grand festival
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OKAY so this is the alley rose byler analysis, here you go!
Btw this is purely from will's pov :)
I picked you up from the corner store
Your eyes were red and your lips were torn
So much to say, that's subject sore
So much you'd change since you were born
You wrapped your fingers around my neck
And pulled me into your desperate breath
The way you kissed me hot and fast
I knew it'd be the last
Okay i imagine this to be the post vecna defeat, right after they win. And we get the ✨️post-war suspense kiss✨️ bc just let me, okay?
You told me "I'm just so nervous, dear"
Well, how the hell do you think I feel?
I waited all year at your feet
Like maybe you'd love me
Imagining this to be the season 4 airport scene bc mike was so nervous there, no straight boy is hesitant to hug his best friend of a decade. Also Will pining for Mike for a whole year.
And I don't even care if it makes me sound insane
I ran my fingers through your hair
And I thanked God to touch the flame
'Cause I swore necks were made for bruising
I swore lips were made for lies
And I thought if you'd ever leave me, that I'd be the reason why
Definitely Will being sappy and in love post getting together while also being insecure bc he thinks he can't have good things in his life.
And I don't even care if it's just a summer fling
If it's all experimental and you go back to safer things
But I swore hands were made for fighting
I swore eyes were made to cry
But you're the first person that I've seen who's proven that might be a lie, so
Again, Will being insecure about having things for himself and thinking Mike could still very much go back to 'safer things' *cough cough* heteronormativity *cough cough*
And also, Will being abused by Lonnie mention, but they last three lines? Its definitely a metaphor for his abuse and also all the upside down stuff goung down, while Mike beung the only one who nakes him feel safe and NOT A MISTAKE
Don't leave me hangin' alone again
I thought that i was your only friend
Oh, where'd you go, go?
Alley Rose
Oh, where'd you go, go, go?
This is the chorus which is repeating multiple times so I didn't mention it above. Everywhere i can see it as season 3 and season 4 pining bc Alley Rose (Mike) is gone.
AND THAT'S IT
God i hate them so much (affectionate)
They literally make me so sick
Anyway, conan is a byler and byler is endgame. Amen
#byler#will byers#mike wheeler#song analysis#if anything doesnt make sense im blaming it on being sick rn and being so full of emotion at this song#im literally aroace why is a love song affecting me so much i have never so much so had a crush let alone a break up#its byler which makes me believe in love i swear to god
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all of us @ bi buck being canon
#evan buckley#im crying actual full tears#im queer so seeing any sort of rep feels good and im sort of overwhelmed by my emotions rn not going to lie#oh my god#911 abc
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HE'S BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT
🤍🖤🤍
#Im vibrating at the speed of light rn#I cant believe my eyes#Ive been losing my shit for a solid hour im literally clawing the walls#Have to stop myself from screaming out loud cuz its 3 am#Gravity is the only thing stopping me from breakdancing on the ceiling#Yes im going full hysterical cuz he's BACK#OG ANTI-VENOM!EDDIE IS FUCKING BACK#Im going to explode#I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH AND HES BACK#AND DRAWN BY COELLO???!!?!?!!!! IM EATING#HES SO GODDAMN GORGEOUS I CANT#AND FLASH IS THERE!!?!? AS HIMSELF AGAIN!!?! NAKED??!??!!#THEYRE TOGHETHER?!!??!!? SMILING AT EACH OTHER???!?!?!!!#This is. Perfect. Its perfect. Hes perfect. Theyre perfect#I never would have believed this could actually happen#I had no hopes of him coming back#What is this#And whats this fucking timing#The world is falling apart and thats when my ultimate blorbo dreams come true?? The fuck is happening??#Ive spent the past few days in a state of emotional shutdown. Completely dissociating. Only just started to actually feel stuff again#And then THIS hits me outta no where??!!?#Cranking my joy from 0 to 100 in .5 seconds#The emotional whiplash has me actually reeling#Nothing feels real rn#And while joy feels almost...inappropriate at a time like this#Fuck it#Im not gonna deny myself happiness rn#Tag rant
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...
#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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no matter what they could NEVER make me hate you (season 8)
#reading the fan wiki rn for fun and i dopnt think i realized How short a season it was#but fuck i miss it like a Wound everyday </3#the story aspect FUCKED so hard and for me made everything way more memorable and distinct#the shared mega/giga bases (in general shared basing!!!!) slapped so hard#and combined w voice chat like. everything felt so fucking alive!!!!!!#EVERYONE was close and working together and it FUCKED!!!!!!!!!#plus the lack of a shopping district imo helped bc it encouraged more travelling to each Others Places bc thats where they put they shops#idkkkk idk im just. im full of emotions and feeling Good i will never understand the s8 hate. learn whimsy abt it or something
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fuck man. cirrus has been clouding my thoughts nonstop and it's starting to influence what media i consume
#i need him. i need him to Treat Me Like That forever fuckfuckfuckfuckfffuck#i cant even enjoy fluff as much. it HAS to be twisted for me to enjoy it right now#im gonna cry i need cirrus. so bad. i need more GAIS. I CANT EVEN DRAW HIM RN BECAUSE IT MAKES ME TEAR UP BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY EMOTIONS#it's so embarrassing lmao#i open fireaplaca and think about how i wanna start and i get stuck thinking about him instead and i just. sjisbslshlsbsksnvsjsnvusjsbsknsu#im so obsessed with him i need. assistance.#obscura vn#I EVEN. IT'S NOT BUTTERFLIES IN MY TUMMY. MY GUT IS FULL OF LOVE AND FIRE AND DREAD AND COMPLETE AND UTTER DEVOTION#i am so glad he isn't real because he has me acting up.
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blah blah blah blah blah
#i have real thoughts rn i am just so overwhelmed with feeling that this is all that can come out#tldr: i wish i could just spend my time traveling and treating women how they Deserve to be treated (well. loved)#thinking about how many people i see who are so deeply sad#thinking about how many ppl ive had a positive impact on even if we ended on terrible terms#thinking about how many more people i could help if i just had the resources ....#thinking about how fucked the psychiatric industry is and how so many therapists suck#thinking about how i actually love being the mommy therapist friend a lot of the time and my limits surrounding that really just come from-#-the fact i Dont have the resources to do this for everyone bc i also have to manage other things in life and work and such#thinking about how if i could i would actually do free emotional labor like. all the time.#thinking about how much it sucks i cant do this#thinking about how much i want to hold every sad girl i see on my dash and let them cry into my arms until they cant anymore#thinking about how much i love my friends#thinking about how much I love...... everyone i meet#not in the like Romantic way but in the “oh hello. you crossed my path. i love you. i love you. i love you. thank you for being alive” way#thinking about all the people who have harmed me and how i Still feel so much love for all of them#thinking of the strangers who have been both rude and kind to me and how much i think of them. how deeply i hope they're still alive.#it..... hurts to love this much ngl#but pushing it down feels worse and im full of this feeling of tender frustration????? because of it#i love that i have so many people who allow me to love them and love me in return#i want to reach through the screen and kiss every follower and mutual and person i follow on the forehead and tell them I love them#i wish i could express more love for people w/o them falling In love with me or being weirded out thinking im In Love w/ them....#i wish i could express better that its not that im aromantic but that i just have so much love at my baseline that its hard for me to-#-Fall in love unless we constantly are talking and communicating and like. working to that together without sounding like a jerk or like im+#+a saint. im not a saint. im not. i just love you. ):#ANYWAY sorry for all those feelings if i didnt get them out i was gonna explode#that also definitely wasnt really a tldr
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the desire to want to walk around my own home in just pants and underwear (no bra) is so overwhelming. i shouldn't need to have a flat chest to be able to do this....
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4 am yearning to soft hindi tracks >>>>>
#yearning hours#desiblr#god it just feels so right#theres something so inherently yearnful to it#im living through a million different lifetimes rn#and all of them are so so full of love#i forget that i can get really emotional when tired#and oml am i rn#but in a good way
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