#im so angry at myself cause like why do i bother trying to be in good terms w this person.

[haysgrove]

vent in tags dont mind me ✌️

[todayisafridaynight]

maybe if i play y7 ill be normal <- played y7 four times this weekend, a decidedly not normal thing

[elvencantation]

weird things i don’t know if i can attribute to trauma or adhd or social anxiety:

-super sensitive smell and taste. carbonation hurts my tongue

-sometimes brain decides perfectly good food is bad (usually if i’ve had it too many times or its too bland) and if i make myself eat it i’ll have a stomachache (also sometimes i just don’t have the energy to try new foods)

-subset of this: i am very sad when my tomatoes or nectarines (or anything else that i love to be firm) is soft or otherwise unusually textured. like if i can see they’re wrinkly or lumpy i will not eat them. i am currently staring at some sad tomatoes being like. will my mouth accept them or will they be too soft

-unspoken social rules i don’t know and anxiety about new social situations i have no context for, no list of example responses and what it leads to

-i have two social modes that its very hard to find middle ground between: stranger and person who is safe

-bothers me when people are wrong about something and i am often not able to stop myself from correcting them

-very blunt and bad at subtext, take things way too literally especially when im tired

-let me expound on that. even when i know the question isn’t meant literally, usually i answer it literally first, then as they meant it. i play it off as a joke but it’s hard to resist being totally and completely honest if there isn’t a reason (like info about myself i think people don’t need to know)

-no understanding of peer pressure and why someone would change themselves to fit in (like srsly how do you find genuine friends with common interests and stuff if you’re hiding who you are?)

-annoyed by overly self-deprecating statements. have dealt with this by being overly sarcastic like- OH MY GOD. HOW DARE YOU HAVE HUMAN EMOTIONS AROUND ME, ANOTHER HUMAN YOU TRUST AND WHO CARES ABOUT YOU???

-constant over analysis of myself and how new people perceive me, esp coworkers (since they’re not friends, they don’t choose to spend time with me) UPDATE: i’ve mostly stopped doing this. turns out it was social anxiety and the fact that i had to meet like over fifty new coworkers at once

-i logic my own emotions. i can logic myself out of them sometimes if they’re negatively affecting me. usual example: i can usually set aside my anxiety at something if there's nothing i can do to change it. or more accurately if i've taken a step towards fixing whatever triggered it

-very slow reflexes/processing time

-can’t stand pet hair on my clothes or stuff

⁃very fluid sense of opinion. very influenced by the opinions of those im close to. to the point where a dress i loved, i couldn’t bear to wear because my mom said it looked trashy. to the point where my best friend said she didn’t like a song, so i didn’t really like it (i just listened to it, and its not a bad song. i think i do like it? idk) i think this used to be more severe when i had less self confidence but still happens now sometimes

-secondhand embarrassment can become so unbearable and i have to plug my ears and want to hide. sometimes will literally hide if possible if the situation is happening irl

-dissociating after 2+ hours staring at a screen

-if there’s no background noise i can hear my ears ringing and that’s not fun

-i never get angry. upset sure. anger or rage? i can remember feeling properly angry like. once. when my brother was young and traumatized and did something totally stupid and fucked with my sweet cousin. that’s… pretty much it. but mostly it was my protective instinct and i think i was scared cause i didn’t understand what was happening

-the sheer panic and frustration that happens when someone misunderstands my words consistently. like if you cannot understand what i am saying how do i communicate with you? in the time honored words of dr seuss: "i meant what i said and i said what i meant"

-this might be a mom trauma thing but- when someone's less emotive and quieter around me, they are mad at me. but if they smile at something i said, they are no longer mad at me

-i need a wide information on all the ways a certain social interaction will go before i feel confident participating

-i tend to dominate conversations with my interests and am very bad at asking specific questions. usually i just try to encourage people to do what i do and tell me their interests my association

[merakimagic]

Ummm… if you have every wondered what it’s like to have ADHD, Autism (Lvl 1), Anxiety and Depression but also have an overwhelming sense that you need to be strong and perfect then here’s a message I just sent to my friend because I needed to let someone in and didn’t know who else to say it to.

It seems to give a pretty clear explanation in my view.

I don’t know why I feel so annoyed and frustrated with myself for saying I have ADHD and Autism. I have those things and I’m not ashamed of them but why do I always need to tell people… so they understand why I’m different. I mean everyone’s different and have different ways of doing things, it’s not like I’m special nor does anyone care. It’s not an excuse! I should be completely cable of keeping that part of myself in and not feeling like I have to tell people.

Does the way I explain it to people make it sound like I’m trying to get attention? Does saying that I’m proud of it and love how it makes me more curious about things and how it has made me good at art, music, languages, school, mythology, sports, pretty much a lot of things because I enjoy knowing them make it sound like I’m arrogant or trying to brag or just put a label on things.

I have anxiety, Autism level 1, ADHD, Depression, have experienced an eating disorder and still at times do, I’m a red head with blue eyes, I’m bi/pan, anemic, have asthma and ahhhhhh. Does all of this when I contribute to a conversation and say something about one of them just make people think that I have a need to be special?

Im sure I don’t feel that way. I think the only reason some of my reactions to things like how I may have a panic attack need stimming and stuff like that only happen know because I know there’s a reason for it but what if I’m just making a big deal out of nothing.

I really need to learn to shut up at times I think, I don’t think people really care about my long spills nor do they really want to know what’s going on with me. Why are relationships so fucking difficult?!

Why can’t I just understand them and the way they work? Can’t they just be simple? Why if your dating someone does there have to be this whole thing of you have to do this with them and you can’t do this with other people? Why do I need sounds to go away when I get overwhelmed, the worlds loud! It shouldn’t matter? Why do I feel like it’s okay to be flaws but I need to be flawless all at the same time? Why am I afraid of not being perfect? Why if I felt like I told my parents about this they would just get angry at me and tell me it’s all in my head? Why am I crying? These are thoughts are dealing with on a daily basis why are they bothering me now? Why can’t I just keep it to myself? I’ve been handling shit on my own my entire life it’s nothing new? Why do I know that tomorrow I’m gonna be fine and this is just a moment where my walls have fallen down?

Why am I so confident sometimes and then the rest I’m just completely fucked up? Why do I always need to restrain myself? Why can’t I just scream and then get back to it all? Why do I have to feel ashamed? Why should I have to feel like my mum doesn’t want to admit I have Autism?

Why do I care if I have Autism or ADHD so much? They have always been apart of me? It doesn’t mean anything? They’re just caused by a genetic mutation and makes you neurotypical why does it even matter? They’re just labels, who even gives a damn? You could have neither one and act the same way as me and people might just call you weird? Why do I care so much about this shit? No one else fucking does, maybe I should just shut up for a while. It’s clear that when I make a joke that it’s taken offensively, it’s clear that no one wants to hear about my problems, it’s clear that no one wants to here my rants, it’s clear that no one wants to here about my hobbies or opinions, it’s clear that I don’t get how to properly interact with others. Maybe I should just shut up, but if I did then my parents would just go on about how somethings wrong and get angry at me for not talking to them about it and we would just end up in a fight where they are telling me to just get over it and if I turn it back on them for how they have made me feel this way then they would just get even more angry and deny it.

Dad brought up a post that said about how a guys son used to sing and never stop talking and now they will be in the same room and his son will have his headphones on not say a word and that his son doesn’t know how much is dad misses him. And dad said that reminded him of me. Doesn’t he get that they’re part of the reason I don’t talk all the time. Because evertime I did I got told to calm down or my joke was offensive or that they don’t need the elephant. Don’t they get I like my phone because it has my hyperfixations and ever since I was little have loved cartoons and looking at fanart because they were what got me through the hard days at school and my parents fighting. Don’t they get I used them to cope because everything was solved in 22minutes and that’s the world I like to escape to when I day dream.

Why the fuck does all this even matter, why the fuck am I just being so overly emotional? Why can’t this just be all there is going through my brain right now?

Obviously there’s more.

There’s the voice telling me to just let myself cry and the voice telling me to suck it up and another one telling me to get ready for work and another one telling me to stop messaging and another one saying don’t put this on them and another one asking why I’m shaking and another if one saying I’ve done well to hold back the tears and another one saying I wonder when this message thing will cut me off and I’ll have to send two seperate messages? And another one asking is this just what my head is like? Is this what everyone’s head is like? Is this just because of my mental health shit? Am I just weak? Am I really this pathetic that I can’t pull myself together? I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me so why do I need to let anyone in? Why do I want to so badly to talk about this but also say nothing at all?

What the fuck is wrong with me, why can’t I just get the hell over it and move on, people deal with way worse stuff then this and here I am complaining because my low self esteem and hyper active over thinking head is just having a bad day and pulling me into it and won’t fucking leave me alone… what a pathetic excuse. You can’t use excuses in life. No one cares and no one has time for them, no one’s gonna help you so stop making excuses and just get on with it.

Put on your uniform, pack your bag and go to work and put on a happy cheerful face and just go take care of other people so that you don’t have to think about this. Just get on with it, there a bigger things then yourself and you just gotta get over what’s going on in your head

I’m Okay… I’m okay now.

If you’ve every felt this way, please let me know.

I don’t want to feel so alone anymore, nor do I want others to feel alone either.

I just felt these were necessary to make the whole thing a little less sad and full on serious and honestly feel like these characters would get it. Also this is not my art💫

[cresent2003]

First time

Oh Daehyun x Joo! Reader

Unedited

Rain covered her car as she sat in the parking lot for the gym her older brother went to.

She was unsure of being here but after getting in a bad fight with her roommate she just wanted to be far away from her apartment.

He would try to push her away and she knew that but she knew how to handle Jaekyung.

He was always mean and angry but was a softie towards her.

At least he was most days.

Blossom grabbed her umbrella before getting out of her car.

She walked to the gym before rushing inside as the massive puddles splashed her shoes.

She put her umbrella in the umbrella holder by the door before walking to the front desk.

"Hello, welcome.

What can I help you with?" the sweet young lady sitting behind the front desk asked.

"I'm here to visit someone.

Where is the team black gym?" Blossom asked.

"It's on level two on the left.

May I ask who you visiting?

The team is preparing for a championship and could do without distractions" the young lady said.

"My brother.

Joo Jaekyung" she said softly not wanting to come off like she was trying to show off.

"Perfect.

Go right that way and there should be an elevator" the young lady said.

"Thanks," Blossom said before walking to the elevator.

Sue went up to the second floor before walking to the gym.

She walked in and was met with her brother almost killing a trainee.

She looked around before catching her eyes with the coach.

"Hey can I help you?" he asked as he smiled at her in a way that she couldn't decide if it was fake or not.

"I'm here to see my brother.

I guess it's been a while Joesph" she said.

"Blossom?

It's been years.

How are you?" he asked as he lit up to know she wasn't a stranger.

"Recently not very great.

My roommate is causing issues and I need to find a new place quickly" she said.

"I've got a spare room at my place.

You're welcome to stay with me" he said.

She looked at him "I was hoping my brother would offer actually.

Sorry," she said.

"Don't worry.

Hey Jaekyung your sisters here!" he said before walking away.

Suddenly she felt all eyes on her as Jaekyung walked over with an unamused expression.

"What are you doing here?

You have your own place, why bother me?" he said as he walked past her to get some water.

"About that.

Maise kicked off again.

I'm not going back there as she just pisses me off.

I'm not letting myself turn into you because of a stupid fight" she said.

He smirked.

"What are you Hoping for?

You're not living at my place" he said.

"Alright.

But if you don't want me there I need to borrow money for a hotel for a month or so" she said.

He groaned "You always do this.

I'm not here to help you out with every single damn problem.

Get out" he said.

"I'm not doing anything.

I'm sorry im having to do this but I have no one else.

You know what this was a mistake.

I'll just sleep in my car" she said before walking to the door.

"Wait.

Until the gym closes you're staying here" he said.

"Fine.

I just want to be away from my apartment" she said.

She turned around before feeling her face drop as Jaekyung walked away.

"Bastard" she muttered before sitting down on a bench.

She watched everyone train for a long time before yawning as her body began to finally relax after everything.

Suddenly a fighter sat next to her.

He was tall and had a calm expression as he drank his water to cool down.

She looked at him as a drop of water poured from his lips to his collarbones.

He then looked over at her.

She quickly looked away before cursing under her breath.

She had never been that obvious in all her life.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," she said.

"You new here?

Sorry I but I've never seen you before" he said.

"Kinda.

I'm Jaekyung's sister" she said.

"Damn.

That really shows how much he doesn't like me.

I never knew that and to be honest, no one here does" he said.

She smiled "It's fine.

I don't come here often" she said.

"So does that mean your big bad brother won't beat me to a bloody pulp for this?" he asked.

She laughed causing him to smile.

"Hopefully not.

Sadly I won't be able to help if he does" she said.

"Really?

I thought you would be a fighter like him" he said.

"No.

Oh god no.

I'm not a fighter.

I've always wanted to be an artist actually" she said.

"Do you want to learn?" he asked.

"What?" she asked as she looked at him causing her confidence to shrink like she was.

He was stunning "To fight.

Do you want me to teach you to fight?" he said as he scratched the back of his neck.

"Um..." she said.

"Sure but I won't be any good.

I'm very clumsy" she said.

"Do worry I'll keep you steady" he said.

Why was she doing this?

This was a really bad idea?

Everyone gathered around as Blossom watched the man she had just met wrap her hands.

"I'll be behind you so you can get the moments," he said.

"Ok.

Um, I just realized I don't know your name" she said.

"Daehyun," he said with a smile.

"I'm Blossom," she said.

"Pretty just like you" he said causing her to blush harshly.

"Cool," she said.

He moved to stand behind her causing some of the team to send a few whistles their way.

He wrapped his hands around hers causing her skin to tingle.

His hands were rough but gentle as he lined up with her.

He placed his hand on her stomach causing her to gasp.

"You alright?" he asked.

"Yeah im fine" she said.

She then watched as he began to show her a few moves.

"Go like this and then like this and you'll land a good few hits on who you're fighting.

Just remember to hit hard.

Throw your body into one punch" he said before running his hands down her arms.

If her brother saw this she would have to watch a really gorgeous but kind fighter get torn apart.

"Try it," he said.

She threw a punch into the punching bag in front of her before smiling as she made the heavy bag move.

"You're strong," he said.

"I used to pull my brother off people when he got in fights," she said.

He laughed "How you're half his size?" he asked.

"I couldn't tell you honestly," she said before looking at him causing the world to stand still.

What was this feeling?

It was as if he was looking directly into her soul.

It burned but she could pull away.

"With a few more lessons you'll be ready to beat any mugger up" he said.

"Awesome," she said.

"What the hell are you two doing? Jaekyung asked as he walked up to them.

"Nothing.

Go train" she said.

"The fuck you say?" he asked.

"Woah calm down," Daehyun said.

"I'm twenty-three Jae.

Stop treating me like im five.

He was being really nice" she said.

He looked at her before walking away.

"I'm so sorry," she said.

"Hey, it's not your fault.

He's been throwing tantrums all day" he said.

She smiled before looking at her watch.

"When does the gym close?" she asked.

"In the minutes," he said.

"Ok.

Would you by any chance know any good hotels nearby?" she asked.

"Yeah.

Fight with your boyfriend?" he asked.

She laughed "Roommate," she said.

"Well if you want you can join me and some of the guys for drinks and a meal.

I can then take you to a hotel near the gym.

It's all on me" he said.

"I could use a good drink.

Why the hell not" she said.

"Cool.

Meet me by the door in ten.

It was nice meeting you by the way" he said before running off.

She smiled before looking over to see her brother "Do you hate that im here?" she asked.

"No," he said before walking away again.

"Ok then," she said before walking to a bench that was by the door.

Minutes passed as she tapped her foot on the floor before hearing a group of rowdy guys.

It was like a tornado as it came her way tearing apart everything in its way.

"Hey you're still here" Daehyun said as he walked to her in a maroon shirt and jeans.

"Dude I told you she wouldn't run away.

Maybe you didn't scare her off unlike the last one" one of the guys around him said.

Daehyun hit him before looking at her.

"Come on.

You can ride with me" he said.

She stood up.

"Will it be ok if I leave my car in the car park?

I don't have the money to be paying fines at the moment" she said.

"Nah it's free parking.

Coach will hook you up anyway" he said as they walked out of the gym.

She then looked around at all the cars that looked similar in many ways.

Expensive cars were like that.

At least the ones she saw the most of were almost the same.

"This way.

Mines way at the back" he said.

"You're gonna let the young lady walk all that way.

You bastard" another one of the guys around him joked.

"Don't listen to them.

I sure don't" he said.

She laughed "Alright," she said before looking at him.

Once they got to his truck he opened the door for her.

"You don't have to show off," she said.

"I'm not showing off," he said.

She got in his truck before watching him run over to his side.

He got in before looking at her.

"I still can't believe your that picking time bombs sister.

I can now see some resemblance but I still wouldn't have a clue either way" he said.

"Don't worry.

Everyone is shocked it thinks im lying.

To be honest I wouldn't pretend to be his sister even if I wanted.

I'm still trying to get past being in his shadow and all that so" she said.

"You're not in his shadow.

You radiate your own light" he said before starting to drive to the bar he was taking her to.

"Are you always this forward?" she asked as her curiosity took over.

"Actually not in the slightest.

I don't know you're just different.

Unlike a quick fling I actually want to get to know you" he said.

He drove to the bar before they both got out and went inside with the others.

She looked around before sitting in a boof with everyone causing her to press against Daehyun.

"Sorry," she said as she looked into his eyes.

"It's fine.

Move over a little" he said as he wrapped her arm around her shoulders.

"There.

Is that better?" he asked.

"Yeah.

Thanks" she said.

They all ordered a large round of shots and other drinks as Blossom struggled to focus on anything but how warm Daehyun was.

She had to stop herself from cuddling into him.

They all started taking shot after shot as Blossom struggled to realise how much of a lightweight she was.

This wasn't going to end well but as the vodka hit she didn't care.

She placed her head on his shoulder as he took another shot.

"Another," she said as she picked up another shot.

"This is gonna get me in trouble," he said.

"Don't worry.

It'll be fine" she said slowly as she slurred her words causing him to laugh.

They both took about her shot and then another and another before they were almost on the floor.

She looked at him "You're pretty" she said.

"Thank you," he said.

"You know it would be really funny if you just kissed me right now.

I mean we just met.

That would be hilarious" she said.

Suddenly his lips were on hers as the alcohol made the idea of a hookup very appealing.

"Hey?

Why did you do that?" she said.

"I wanted to," he said.

"That's fair," she said before trying to kiss him as she missed his lips.

"You're so cute," he said before knowledge kissing her.

He wrapped his arms loosely around her.

"Bathroom?" he asked.

"I'm no classic hookup, good sir," she said.

"I'll make you feel really good.

Plus we won't even remember this so no regrets right" he said.

"Alright.

Come on" she said as she stumbled to the bathroom with his behind her.

Thankfully everyone left as he would never be able to forget this might if they witnessed the both of them being lightweights.

Daehyun slammed against the wall of the disabled stall as he sloppily kissed her neck before taking off her leggings.

He unbuttoned his jeans releasing his cock.

"So big.

Wow, you're so pretty" she said as she wrapped her hand around his cock causing him to moan as he turned red.

"Put it in.

I'm getting bored" she said.

He kissed her before lifting her thighs.

Daehyun slammed into her causing her to let out a loud moan.

"Good.

Fuck so good" She couldn't hold herself back ad he hit every spot that had her dripping.

He moaned into the crook of her neck as his sloppy thrusts did enough to get them both feeling ecstasy.

He pulled her hair as he shivered against her body.

He didn't have enough brainpower to make himself last longer as he shot his cum inside her.

"Fuck.

Your pussy is so good" he said as he continued to thrust into her.

"Cumming oh fuck" she said before convulsing as she came onto his cock.

It wasn't a meaningful hookup but in their drunk state they were now bonded for life but as they both went for round two all she could think about was what Jaekyung would do when this became a rumour.

[ravenquingvax]

i really hate trying to google things related to my intrusive thoughts but i want to try and understand why i think the things i think, but a lot of the time the results i get are unrelated or i get helplines suggested or i end up being triggered by something

it fucking sucks man

i dont want these thoughts, i dont want to deal with this - im very good at stopping myself from following through and at talking myself down when they get bad, i can recognise when they're getting too much for me and have ways to calm down without help

i just want answers as to why its happening so i can better prepare myself for when it happens and adjust my methods for safely resolving my intrusive thoughts in a more productive manner

i just want to know if my occasional sudden urge to drink is just my intrusive thoughts or if its something more, you know???

i have a family history of alcoholism and almost fell deep into a steady pattern of alcohol abuse myself when i was in college before i realised what i was doing and immediately stopped myself before it became a proper problem

are these urges to drink a symptom of a more serious underlying problem or is it just my brain being a piece of shit to me for no fucking reason

i know intrusive thoughts and alcoholism can go hand in hand, my main concern is am I handling these thoughgs correctly or am i setting myself up for hell down the road?

i haven't drank in months, last i drank was cider at Christmas and i had maybe 2 small cans and that was after having nothing for a whole year

and when i did drink in college it wasn't like i was binge drinking, i had a small sip of whisky maybe twice a day whenever i had to go into college and only on those days

that was more than enough as it was, honestly - it can start with just one sip to manage a headache, then its 2 then its 5 then you lose count

the moment i realised i was starting to try and justify drinking when it really couldn't be justified, and that i was falling into a pattern of harmful behaviour that would only worsen if i continued to ignore it, i immediately got rid of the last of my whisky and have never touched a drop since

i know not everyone can do that, I was incredibly lucky that i realised what i was doing before i couldn't stop myself

but now im worried that i had already done irreparable damage by that point

had i? or is it just my intrusive thoughts making me feel like i need alcohol so everything will be okay?? this bothers me a lot

i wont drink, i can't really rn anyway with the current state of my diabetes, but the urges are getting more and more frequent it feels like

and i am so fucking tired

anything that helps me shut up the urges would help a lot, even if it's just knowledge of what is causing them to start with

if i know what the problem is i can work on a solution

problem is, i dont know what the fucking problem is

the stress this causes does not help suppress the intrusive thoughts, as you can probably imagine, and only makes drinking sound all the more appealing.... the fucking joys

for the record, i am safe and sound tonight im just angry

angry and tired and angry at being tired and tired of being angry and maybe im also feeling a little bit robbed

but I'll be okay, just needed to voice this Bullshit somewhere

the ravens know i cant say any of this to my family lmao

fr tho, any info or advice is appreciated guys 💕

[kk-cats]

I'm anxious of you hating me. I always have been. You've stated that you don't hate anyone, but you never know. I'm hiding being an anon because I'm scared that you'll be angry with me specifically. I don't know why. I don't know how. But I just am. I've done things for the past few weeks im not proud of and I know it's effected you on a personal level. I fear I have done so much to the point of resentment. It's unfortunate that we're both in one of our 'moods' as I am doing this out of an anxious breakdown. I don't want to be annoying nor do I want to be a bother to you ever.

To add, I feel like my writing style is the same. I've memorized how you type. Have you memorized mine? Have you possibly missed me just as much? Oh, I really do hope you have in a way.

I think, perhaps, that I may know who you are.

I could be wrong.

You do understand, of course, that my choices have always been to allow the harm if only so it does not rebound unto others?

I am capable of experiencing hate. I am capable of experiencing resentment.

But I do not wish to.

So I do not hate, and it is a choice.

I reject it because I am aware that others are hurting too, and I cannot allow myself to cause further harm.

I think I know who you are.

I think you already believe that you will ruin things.

I think you guess that I resent you.

I think that even if I said otherwise, you would not believe me.

Allow me to tell you this.

I am not particularly kind. I am not much at all.

I am a very resentful person, and I am working against that.

I can assure you that there are very few people that I have ever not resented.

Every day, I talk to people that I either resent, have resented, have stopped resenting but will ultimately resent again with time.

If you want honesty? So be it.

I am angry at many people. It has dwindled down, as I hoped, into resentment that bubbles every now and then.

I am angry at the server.

There are many times in the server where I wished to say things that I will not, and should not.

I miss it in the way I miss conversation. I do not have a server to talk in anymore. I rely on private messages and random tumblr posts. I miss it the way I miss validation.

I miss people. But not in the way I should. Because I miss the idealised versions. The parts that did not hurt. And that is what I am using to soothe over my anger. I miss, but in the barest minimum.

Because I forget.

If you are who I think you are, then you remember.

A conversation, once.

About forgetting. About validation.

I have no desire to pour my heart out here. I have no desire to say too much of the truth on this blog for people to see and judge and worry.

So.

If you are who I think you are.

Have I resented you? Most certainly. I resent many. Far more than you know.

Have I been angry? If you are who I think you are, then I should have told you that already, once upon a time. My temper is a harsh thing.

Will I hate? I will hate the actions. I will hate the circumstances. I will not allow myself to hate a person for things they did not choose.

Have I missed you?

About as much as I am capable of. I prefer to not think about situations that will only bring back the negative emotions I am trying to forget for the sake of returning to the server.

[larynxnymphh]

tw vent

i’ve been trying so hard. theres too much to explain to you all but but he said something that broke me. its not his fault, he doesn’t know. im literally in tears typing this cause when the only person that can comfort me is mad at me, who am i supposed to talk to???

my older brother, my closest friend, was the only person i had from 11-13. he was already dead to everyone else when i met him but he was alive for me. the doctors thought i was crazy, they still do. and i know that nobody else is going to understand what him and i shared. he knew everything and he helped me. we did everything together and we shared a song even. he promised he would always be here for me. promised.

he left me one day. never came back. i still have his photo with me and i cry and i beg for him almost every night to come back. and its not just him, everyone that swore they would never hurt me or leave me has done nothing but that. my family, my friends, my exes.

do i know what it feels like? yeah. i do.

i would never leave him like that. it hurts me every day, it tears me apart. i just thought he would understand what i said but he didn’t and suddenly im that kid again talking to doctors and adults and nobody understands me. no matter how hard i try to explain im terrified that they’ll never get it.

i say something good, they think its bad. i say something sad, they get angry at me.

i say nothing, and i hate myself. but everyones happy when i say nothing.

i love him so much but sometimes i feel like im stupid and im not even speaking coherent sentences.

i said i wouldn’t be a live long enough for something to happen.

i explained he’s my reason to live and that i wouldn’t live long without him.

but,

thats not okay to say.

so why bother saying anything at all.

[yourleftpinkytoe-blog]

The Bi Andrew controversy and my opinion on some people’s reactions

-Okay so ik this is a dead topic but it’s been on my mind since this all went down and i feel like i have the words to describe my feelings on it. But first i want to preface that im not trying to start a fight with this i just have some thoughts i really want to get off my chest.-

I made a post when the whole thing was going down and honestly I really didn’t get what I ment across. It was a mess of angry ranting that people couldn’t understand without me explaining in the comments. Sorry for that btw.

When I’m being honest the whole reaction to Nora revealing that in most drafts Andrew was bisexual made me kinda sick to my stomach as a gay man. It was just legions of people celebrating the fact that “thank god he wasn’t actually gay” or “now I don’t feel bad for wanting to fuck him as a woman cause he was bi the whole time!!”. And idk sometimes about that reaction just really bothered me (I wonder why)

I would have no problem with bi Andrew if he was canon. (I’d love him just as much as I love canon Andrew) it just doesn’t make sense to me that so many people were so happy when Nora told about his different orientation in the drafts. I dead ass saw people claiming Andrew was now bi in canon because of this. There was a brief uptake in andrewxrenee shipping (idc what u ship I’m using this as a point) so many people just acting like he was not gay in the text because it was different in the drafts.

A characters sexuality is an important aspect of them. Like let’s take Neil for example, he is demisexual/demiromantic. That is an important part of his character as a whole. Hell it’s pretty inseparable from him, it is a part of what makes Neil, Neil. The same can be said about Andrew. His homosexuality is a large part of what built him as a person. If he was bi then that would have been an integral part of his character. And to see people practically giddy over the fact that in the drafts he was bi and then using that to diminish his canon sexuality was icky.

-I do want to quick say that when I say that Andrew’s being gay was an important factor in shaping him as a person I’m referring to that being a thing he needed to cope with after what happened to him in his childhood not that what happened in his childhood was because he was gay. I don’t want to get the wrong idea across lol. Also if he was bi that would have also been a thing he would have needed to cope with because no matter what he is still into men.-

Ik it’s a classic talking point but let’s switch the situation around. Say Andrew was bi in canon and Nora confirmed that he was gay in most drafts. Then with that info people started celebrating the fact that “HES NOT ACTUALLY BI!!”. That is a really uncomfortable thing to read, right.

It was not ok just cause it was gay->bi and it would not be ok if it was bi->gay.

-Just another thing if Andrew was bi there would be no problem. People resorting to biphobia over this whole situation were wrong and deserve to called tf out for their shit. A character being bi in drafts is absolutely no excuse to resorting to real world bigotry. If u did that ur gross and wrong-

I can understand a small bit about how if you are bi seeing a character you love also be bi probably feels great. But hey I and other gay men see the stuff ur saying and it kinda (really) hurts.

(Quick tw: brief mention of irl csa. Plz don’t read if that is a trigger for u)

-sorry for so many side notes. I just want to be open for a sec. I am a gay guy with a decent amount of sexual trauma. Andrew is the best example of a character in media who I see myself in. And idk there is something about how fast some people were to jump on the bandwagon of this was really uncomfortable for me to see. It’s probably stupid that this situation upset me as much as it did and I’m sorry for bringing this back up.-

[talesfromtheunknowable]

tw- vent, self harm. (does it count if you don't bleed)

i have offically mastered the art of crying silently. It's not the ugly crying with loud breathing and sniffles anymore, no no. i'll cry a few tears, rolling down my face anime style. and my head will pound, breathing shallow, can easily feel pulse, but no ugly crying. apparently if you bite down on your arm hard enough it's a bit easier. Scratching doesn't work anymore because nails are short and bother me and there is that eyebrow razor but i was very upset that one time and i have everything and no one to blame but myself and my indadequacy and i'm still not used to the apologies and aasurances that we are still good and loved so that's what sends me over the edge. Tears held back make me uneasy on my feet and numb and sick and i don't feel it that much it's far away but head hurts and throat is inflamed. is that how it got imflamed before is the reason i cough and choke on my food because my entire body rejects existence and throbbing throbbing and that's why my throat is inflamed a dam is on the burst of breaking but no no no don't make a sound. They'll hear you if you make a sound and it will be weeks, you don't have time for weeks you have nothing you have run out of time its over its over its over everyone else did everything and you didn't so there's no hope for you anymore because you are still a child that cries over small small things and needs stuffed animals to hug and hurts and cries and cries and cries and its scary scary scary and i don't want it i want to be a child thats all i can do. only what i want to do when i want to do it and brain never works and then they are angry and don't want me to get upset but can't smile and laugh because it always happens when i get too happy or smiling and laughing and the cycle continues and all i do is write it down like some entitled child because that's all i am shouldn't exist and exist nowhere at all and offer whatever collection of information i have because that's it others can make better use of it and im waiting to go home home home home home home back to what it was before i knew anything and never felt right since leaving and i can never go back and never have that ever again all because i had friends in 6th grade. happy is shorter now because i had friends in 6th grade and i know i know i know i know i know what you say and that i am better and loved but that is the problem that is never true all i can do is write write write words that don't matter and get happy over small small things that never end well. holidays and birthdays and little achievements always end like this, cause and effect should've taught me by now but what can i do there isn't another option. i have no other options just crying crying crying. don't laugh don't smile don't try in front of them don't try to be happy don't be happy at all it will be disaster disaster and it will cause pain so numb everything everything everything so no more happiness ever again ever again

[jennymay]

I cannot stand sam. I think the small place I have stored in my mind, for Sam, has a little bit of love there. It’s appreciation for all she’s done for me while I’ve known her. But the other part of mind is stored with all the hatred and the bad things she made me feel. I think I do have some anger issues, I just can’t seem to work through my anger, I just have to wait for it to pass and try not to do anything crazy in the meantime.

Im not an angry person though. I don’t snap at people or make them feel bad in my presence unless it’s my family. It doesn’t sound nice but that’s how it works. I’ve only ever showed anger around or toward my family. I don’t give my anger to anyone who isn’t blood mainly because I know my family will forgive my bad moods and rage. As I did them for many many years.

But sam… she brings out something in me. I don’t want to hurt sam though. I don’t want to be the cause of her pain and I don’t really want her to endure any bad feelings. But when she speaks to me, all I can think about is running away from her. Blocking her from my eyesight. I wish I could press a block button in real life, so I can no longer see or hear her. She makes me feel like a bad person because she brings out the worst in me.

And that leaves me thinking I’m a horrible person and I’m cruel to her. Which I am to blame, obviously. That’s up to me to fix, I can’t blame sam for my behaviour. She just unlocks a part of me that I didn’t know about. And that part of me is filled with hatred and sadness.

I hate her and her stupid emotions. I hate the way she expresses her emotions mainly. I think that’s a big tell for me, how people express emotions. It’s judgmental but I was raised different. I assume everyone is attention seeking. I still do, as I type. Sam lost her grandmother and all I could think is that she’s mourning horribly. She needed others to see her mourning, she wanted to post about it online. In hindsight, I see why she did this.

Sam was lonely and I was all she had. I go from spitting hateful comments about her to then defending her because my morals get in the way. I picture myself in her position and end up feeling bad for her. I wish I could erase my empathy. I am very empathetic and not in a nice way. In a painful way where if interrupts my life and makes me unhappy. When Sam really hurts me and bothers me it always ends up with me feeling bad for her.

Why should I? 31 year old woman she is. She’s had 7 years on me, to experience and to grow and to learn about life and herself. I couldn’t understand how she was such an irritating human being at her grown age. Again, she’s had a bad life. So I of course understand how it changes you. I just can’t imagine making moves the way she does. I don’t need a copious amount of attention when I feel a tiny bit sad. But maybe I’m just a horrible person. Not sure.

[mu-pt1]

moonlight

so sorry for the slow posts. my mental health has been declining rapidly. this morning I was trying to sweep and I had a sudden burst of anger. I ended up smashing the dustpan into pieces and just walked away. im not sure what has been wrong with me recently but ive just gotten the need to break everything. I often times have to stop myself from punching holes into walls and smashing everything in my room. ive never been this angry before and I can pinpoint what the issue is. it all hurts too much. I dont wanna feel like this anymore but I dont want help. In a few more days, ill have to talk to that psychiatrist. ive been wanting to back out but I know I cant. its for my own good even though I know where ill end up in the end. I just wonder what my family will think of me once they know. I dont want a hug. I dont want to be here anymore. I cant stand being around my mom. she just wants to argue with me and ruin my life. nobody cares about the stuff ive been through. nobody bothers to ask why I act the way I do. everyone swears I just hide my feelings from people but I dont. I dont at all. its actually the opposite. its just that no one asks about me so I resort to acting out and causing issues so that maybe someone will try and figure out the root of the problem. when my mom and I argued today, I thought that sitting outside for a few hours would make her care. she didnt. she didnt check up on me. nobody did. so I just sat there waiting on nothing. when I went inside, she then acted like she cared. she then tried to apologize but I could see through it all. she wasnt actually sorry. she didnt actually care. she’d sleep just fine whether I accepted it or not so I didnt. she wanted a hug but I hate hugs from her. I hate being touched by her. I want nothing to do with her and I cant wait for the day I get to finally run out of this house and never come back. ill move miles away. ill maybe even move countries. ill go off the grid and no one will ever hear from me again. they should've loved me while they had me. all of them. nobody cares to check on me anymore so why give them a reason to think about me? ill just stay silent.

[dadkisser15]

Fuzzy brain

Im currently trying to read and it’s romance (of course) but all I can think of is his fucking smile and thinking about it just makes my chest feel all fuzzy and warm. It’s distracting in a way but a lot of things remind me of him so maybe there’s just something wrong with my mind; I of course don’t mind thinking about him though, I just can’t bother him right now (he’s sleeping) so that makes me kinda sad!!!!! God I miss his smile, his laugh and his presence; I love his mannerisms and I love how comfortable I feel with him. I can be kinda shy at times but his playful behavior and the way he doesn’t drop a topic immediately makes me want to open up and share. I just needed to get this out of my head real quick so I can read but my heart and head is so full of him. I feel like im going crazy but I don’t want the feeling to stop, it’s a good feeling. I wonder if he ever feels like this, id love to study his mind and figure out his thought process. I feel so ugly right now and its probably cause I just ate, I always feel so guilty when I eat even when i don’t eat much; it’s like my head is stuck in this spot where i feel like I need to insult myself for having normal human needs. Im just scared of gaining weight and being undesirable. I know, so random but the guilt is hitting me right now. Honestly, I really hate the way my mind works. I feel like I don’t have many desirable traits. I overthink and over analyze EVERYTHING, I’m awkward and so bad at conversation. I get embarrassed easily, I don’t know why but I really hate that because sometimes I get embarrassed at the most random things and it just doesn’t make sense to me. Im so bad at regulating my emotions, when I feel something it hits hard. I’ve found ways to cope with that though so it’s okay but I hate being emotional. Someone could say something and not really mean it but oh! would you look at that im fucking sobbing because im so extremely sensitive?!!!! Oh and I get jealous so easily…. I HATEEE feeling jealous. Like if I was attractive maybe some of these bad traits could be okay but im NOT. All of my life I’ve been just some ugly kid and now im just barely mid. I’ve been trying to embrace some of the features I was given but still im like cursed with the FUGLIEST build 😭. Like what the fuck… 😨😨😨😨😨 I just want to be pretty. I want him to find me pretty. Guys I wish I was a baddie 😭 fml fml fml fml fml okay I’ll go read instead of self loathing ☹️. I just want to be loved so bad, I want him and I would literally tear any woman that gets in my way. Im joking!!! Guysssss if you can get him you can have him 🩷 im kidding id fucking crash out and someone would die, like genuinely I’d hunt a bitch down for even trying. You guys think im playing but im fr that man is mine. IM JOKINNGGGGGG!!!!!! 😊 sorry, i sound crazy and fucking weird! Maybe im feeling a bit angry about something but it’s okayy. Icould literally care less like it’s not even a big deal , LIKE. ITS WHATEVERRRRRR. It isn’t whatever, I blocked this bitch but it ain’t enough I need her GONE. BYE!!!! I DONT GIVA DFUVKKKKK !!!!!! Okay I do lol sorry im so mean ☺️ it’s okay.

[unknowncallers-world]

I had a breakdown on the way back from the gym. Yelling. Screaming. Crying. Idk man. I was broken 10 years ago. I was broken after Taylor. I’m broken now. I guess the worst part about it rn is that I’m better. It’s like no matter how much I change and now matter how I hard I try, I can’t fix anything. I just stay damaged. My heart is broken into a billion pieces. And I’m just so angry and I used it to my advantage at the gym. But idk how to be broken when im my best version. I’m not saying k can’t get any better but this is the most stable and intentional I’ve been. And I’m a mess. I feel hopeless. And it’s not just about Taylor. It’s not just about my fucking love life. Even tho that’s a big part. That game yesterday. That broke my fucking heart. I’m already so broken but that broke me more. And then I’m at the gym and Sam is there. The first girl I had a crush on who has stuff in common with me. A girl that I liked. She chose someone else. Fine cool. Not a big deal. Since they’ve been together she’s not into posting anymore on Instagram which she used to do all the time. Like multiple times a day. Ofc I see her and she posts. Anytime I see her she posts. It doesn’t bother me but it brings me back to my shit love life. I haven’t talked to a girl in 4 months. Haven’t been with a girl in 4 months. I didn’t even have this hard of a time before my Taylor. And definitely not after. Now all of a sudden I’m literally a better version of myself and I get nothing. I’m so sick of believing in god and believing that shit will change. You let the best team in that whole tournament lose yesterday. I know I have so much. I know that. I’m lucky af. I know that. And I’m grateful. But it doesn’t matter. Cause it’s not enough. I want the life I dreamed of. The life I deserve. Not this shit. I know I can never be fixed. I know that. More than anything in the world I know I will be like this forever. I lost the love of my life. That really happened. I really lost her. And I don’t exist. And I’m really not over that. But how am I supposed to get over losing the love of my life. I kept thinking it’s cause I have bpd. It’s cause I’m mentally ill. It’s not. I go to therapy. I take meds. I function fine. It’s just normal people stuff. I will never be over Taylor. Never. And I can hate her and be angry and it won’t matter. In the end this is how it is. Until you watch the team that got you into sport lose how they did 10 years after they made history. 10 years after you saw them for the first time, you don’t know how other peoples heart break affects you. It’s heart break after heartbreak. Watching people have what you want. What you try for. Yet you can’t have it. The worst thing in the world is when all you want is love and you can’t have it or when you want to see others happy and they’re not. That is my heartbreak. That is part of why I’m broken. 10 years later and I feel the same. Ofc I don’t remember how I was 10 years ago cause bpd. And I know I’m not the same but it feels that way cause I’m stuck in the same situation I was 10 years ago. And I can’t do anything to fix it. Its just over

[remain-uknowable]

I have no motivation for anything anymore and i feel so guilty. I everything is just tired no matter what i do. I kinda wanna stop existing. BUT I CAN'T OKAY IM DOING OKAY. im just dramatic. People are going through so much worse. Everything you are doing is melodramtic bullshit. UHG I HATE YOU. GROW UP. YOU SHOULD FORGET AMD MOVE ON. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU??? Your just wasting everyones time an energy. Even if you try to make yourself smaller you really just make things worse! No matter what you do you are gonna bother someone. And you thought mabye that was okay! You thought you could make friends and be someone better!! Fuck that!! Did you forget? You are just like your dad. Pathetic. Yknow there's a reason when you get in too much trouble mom threatens to send you back there. Theres a reason she lectured you for several hours when you were in the bathroom for too long and then mentioned that dad wasn't paying childsupport. Don't you see it Kassi? You are a disgusting reminder. I wonder if she can even stand to look at your face. Cause i know you hate looking at it. Sometimes i look at the mirror for a longer period of time than i should. Trying to convince myself to see something better. No... you are disgusting.

And whats funny about those times? You can't even get over them. A part of you feels angry. Mom forgives you for all kinds of things but she makes one mistake and you can't forget. What a bitch. Horrible. Oh it hurts? Awwwlll how sad poor you. Grow up. Everyone else is. But for some reason you aren't even trying. Why are you so fucking pathetic. Can't even live your life. I hate you. I hate you more than dad. I hate me more than anyone else.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

i just journalled about it but im still kinda irritated. like i genuinely think that youre just annoyed at me for trying to have my life together, for having work and doing uni and that our parents are happy about that. its not really my fault that i made that choice? like its not my fault youre insecure about that. in the samr way its not your fault im insecure about my social life. hm. interesting

im still going to resent you for that. i dont really know how to stop it. maybe my psych could help with that.

idk

little things bother me. like you being fine being friendly with my ex because its 'just the way you are' well me being argumentative and temperamental is JUST THE WAY I AM. but god forbid i get (rightfully) annoyed at you for being flakey and unreliable, and i am so fucking evil for that. are you serious?

ive been like this forever and now all of the sudden you cant handle it. okay fine. fine. the last few months ive been slowly coming to terms with the fact that our relationship is going to have to have a massive shift. like massive in the fact that it cant really exist anymore. its not possible for us to be close without us both getting seriously triggered and upset at the other. so we stop hanging out and talking as much and its solved. literally how gross and pathetic, like all those toxic siblings we hear about and feel bad for.

ideally i could just move out and i wont have to deal with any of your weird energy at all. but its just so annoying being at home, even when we dont really see eachother or even talk, because your constant avoidant energy just seeps out everywhere. i notice it because youre always so quick to rush out and get away from the house. like we all fucking get it, you hate us all and dont wanna be around us. grow tf up. learn how to communicate your problems with people and cop the reaction from it. i learnt a long time ago.

its funny cause the more you try to avoid something, the more that problem grows. you dont want me to be angry and irritated at you, and the fact that youre avoiding makes me more irritated. you do realise that, right? i mean, i told you. i thought we made a breakthrough but youre still acting like a child.

is that why? do you feel like a child? do you feel immature because of what im doing with my life? is that the insecurity for you?

its annoying for me to have to sit here and overanalyse shit because you fail to communicate this stuff with me. i tried to have an adult conversation with you and you get so uncomfortable and avoidant. for the first time i feel like the therapist.

remind me to never trust your advice again. remember what happened with the taurus? to be fair you helped me confront the issue with him. but he completely gaslit me and you were like yea hes right, you were in the wrong. girl?

atp i have to treat myself as an only child now. because i certainly cant come to you with anything anymore. its not like youd come to me! and im actually open and trying to be here for you. how sad is that. its actually so sad. like the fear of abandonment do be coming true and it really do be the ones closest to you. and how is it always the youngest? the same thing happened with con and maeve. like how could you just dog your family like that.

i was and still am genuinely concerned that shes falling into a depression again but im just gonna put faith in and pray to god that her friends are actually there for her and providing her with the love and support she needs (if that was the case). at the very least she has her friends.

and back to square one for me. i have me myself and i, like always.

the thing i need to work on is being more appreciative of her, and the little things she does to be there for me. even if its not what i want or need or asked for. i have to grateful. i am grateful for my sister. i will put my pride aside and be the bigger person like i was earlier today. i know i hurt her and im sorry and i am grateful for her making time for me in her busy busy life. think about the slay it girls kylie and kendall. it took them till their mid 20s to reach a stable place as sisters. perhaps it will just take some more time.

its worth the wait. (thanks chan)