#im lucky enough to where this isnt the case but like

[shimshamshimsham]

I'm just a little girl and I'm so so tired

[bellflower-goat]

<:]

[seriousbrat]

im asking this because you made a james one but can you make a jily meta if you have time🙈🙈

Anon I'm sorry for the delay in replying, I was thinking it through!! But it's nice to have something positive to talk about haha.

The loves of my life tbh. I really really like jily even though I think my snapeishness means I'm not as involved in mainstream jily fandom. I mean enemies to lovers always has its appeal and to me james and lily are a realistic, imperfect- but all the more compelling for it- appealing dynamic.

Obviously we don't get to see a lot of their actual relationship in canon, but I think that's why it's so fun to fill in the blanks. Personally I think it's pretty normal that they were drawn to each other and ended up in a relationship from what we know- they're both pretty big personalities, intelligent and charming and brave, they have similar goals and beliefs about the world, there was attraction early on (obviously in james's case, more or less confirmed by jkr in lily's- and b4 anyone starts in on lily for being attracted to him that's not something one can control, and she probs wasn't aware anyway).

Lily basically hated his guts, with good reason, so to go from that to dating there had to be a pretty big shift in both james and in their relationship (and likely lily too, or that's my belief). Honestly what I think is that in their final years at Hogwarts, the encroaching war brought on this new seriousness, and as lines were more clearly drawn in the sand it became obvious that lily and the marauders were on the same side of it. Things like sports, popularity, rivalries cease to matter in the face of a life-or-death conflict, you're forced to grow up and deal with it, and while for Severus this brought out the worst in him, for James it brought out the best.

People talk about James changing but I think a post SWM-lily was also changing. She set a very clear boundary with Sev and I think that was an important character development moment for her. Again, the war was on the horizon, their priorities were becoming clear, and I see Lily as becoming more sure of herself and her beliefs, less tolerant of bullshit from those around her. James was becoming more circumspect, more open-minded, more responsible, so when lily and the marauders were thrown together in natural alliance the two of them were just at a point where they were compatible.

I don't think their relationship was perfect and idyllic and all that, that would be less interesting anyway. It was probably hard sometimes. One thing I love when fics explore is the class differences between James and Lily; not only is he pureblood while she's muggleborn, but he comes from wealth where she comes from a humble little working-class family in the mids. There was probably a lot of stuff James didn't understand about her life; I feel like he probably tried his best anyway. Lily probably felt intimidated or defensive about her own background at times.

I don't doubt that they argued; in fact they got off on it probably enjoyed arguing with each other, given their personalities. Both of them were intelligent, opinionated, had an arguing kink, fiery people. Like I don't think it was this exaggerated screaming match sort of thing but I'm sure they loved a healthy spirited debate which maybe got a little out of hand sometimes.

I have touched on this previously but I see James as deep down pretty insecure (who isnt in this world apart from sirius black) and I think initially he was probably pretty insecure about Lily too. I do see him regretting his previous behaviour and thinking he isn't good enough for her and that he's incredibly lucky to be with her. which is true and he should suffer. but I have an upcoming scene (lily's first time at the potters') where james is like "i feel like i'm not good enough for you" and lily's like "shut up i'm the one who's not good enough for you" and they're like "great. i guess we're not good enough for each other. sorted i guess." My point being James actively tried to be a better man, Lily saw that and admired it. because she's good and wonderful like that.

Idk I guess I see it kind of as a realistic, flawed, but ultimately loving relationship. I'm sure there was a lot of stuff they had to work on over the few years they got :( but I'm also sure they had a lot of fun together because to me they just seem really compatible in so many ways as humans.

My belief is that they got married quickly because of the war (I also believe this about frank and alice, even though i see them as older) but it's likely they would have ended up married anyway, or at least in a long term, healthy, happy relationship.

Also the pottermore entry about Vernon and Petunia is my absolute fave for many reasons (love the vertunia of it all ofc) but also the little snippet about jily is golden. The double date between vertunia and jily is perhaps one of my favourite scenes I've ever written haha it's just such a good moment, basically the only canon info we do get about while they were dating.

[imustbenuts]

more disorganized yakuza culture bordering on religion thoughts

(finished order 7, 8, 0, k1, k2. currently at 3 ch 3)

it feels like the writer went deep into reading about buddhism and religion at one point

im not japanese but a SEAsian uh chinese/hokkien diaspora who happens to be a weab so take this with some grain of salt bc we arent a monolith here

Surface level understanding of buddhism

when it comes to gang and tattoos or in yakuza's case irezumi, theres a general consensus of tats = cool and rebellious in a culture thats largely very collectivist. so getting one is like pointing the middle finger to society

the problem is sometimes tattoos are gotten more for the aesthetics than truly understanding the deeper meaning behind it. an easy example is the dragon itself: its powerful, its strong, it comes and goes, and does good things whenever it wants to. it might get associated with buddhism but like... if you think about it for 3 seconds, it fucking falls apart for 1 reason

gods in buddhism are the maintenance crew for the world's function (rain, nature, etc), and at the same time are supposed to be as part of the cycle and pain as everyone else. meaning, gods arent inherently special, they just happen to be higher beings doing their best to escape the cycle of samsara.

so by that lens, borrowing godhood from god to elevate yourself is... uh. kinda weird. (imo at least).

yet what goes on in 2? ryuji borrows the dragon iconography and tries to achieve dragonhood. kiryu is thematically the dragon but thats kind of all that he is. hes more theme than human at this point.

in yakuza 1 and 2 theres some hint of this surface crap. the story never really goes deep enough exploring the aspects of this cycle of suffering thing. the general message seems to be, suffering happens and builds character. which fucking sucks.

but thats not the real point of the buddhist message. its more suffering is unavoidable, so do your best to reduce it for yourself and others, and roll with it.

The gap and the growth between 1, 2 and 7, 8

looking at 7 and 8 in contrast to 1 and 2 and i think its clearly buddhist as fuck: kasuga ichiban is framed as jesus, but in some buddhist interpretations, jesus qualifies as a boddhisattva, ie someone who clears the condition of escaping samsara but chooses to stay behind to help. and thats what ichiban does. he doesnt judge, he refuses to play into classism bullshit, and forces people to look past it.

buddhism was originally a breakaway from hinduism. where hinduism had a whole caste system forcing people into tiers, buddhism tried breaking it. (and then medieval japan's government turned it into shinto buddhism and shoved everyone into a caste system themself... yeesh.)

meanwhile, in gaiden, kiryu has this bit where he meditates as a monk for enlightenment.

makes me wonder if the writer tried to do something similar and exactly how much buddhist stuff did they read at one point....

oh btw

Kiryu and Kasuga's theme. Dragon and Not-Dragon

ok i fucking caught this:

kiryu is the rain dragon isnt he? hes always associated with rain in yakuza 1 and 2, in an era where rendering rain for cinematic purposes is a ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS.

theres a few types of dragons out there but the uhhh oldest? traditional-est? one is the association with rain and storms. originally bc ppl in the past thought lightning strikes and flashes looks a lot like mythical creatures, and eventually the whole eastern dragon came about with that association.

meanwhile kasuga's kanji name reads as spring day. i am looking directly into the camera at this theming. hes the sunny spring day that comes after the storm. the story will be far kinder to him than kiryu.

so even though dragons are supposed to be strong and good fortune to be seen, and are benevolent and etc, they are again more theme than person.

theres even a real trend where everyone wants to borrow the dragon aesthetic to look cool, big, strong, fortuitous and lucky, be it in tattoos, irezumi, ritual, traditions or propaganda (chinese nationalism stuff). what i mean is people will have babies on the year of the dragon on purpose, wear the dragon and give more preferential treatment to their child/grandchild born on the year of the dragon.

everyone worships the dragon and takes its scales to wear, but no one thinks of the dragon as a creature. as a living thing.

meanwhile ichiban's irezumi cant even be called a dragon. maybe a mermaid. but not a dragon. and in that regard i feel like he's escaped from a fucking curse.

Carrying the cross

some other bits i picked up also. kazuki and daigo, and their crosses

shinto buddhism is the default in japan. but more SHINTO than buddhism, mind, bc buddhism is something people seek out these days rather than be taught bc its too super fucking esoteric. meanwhile, christianity is the minor religion. while some people do think of it negatively (due to instances of cults), it is by no means a mystery or exotic or even so minor that its rare.

anyway thing is. in these specific characters' cases, im 99% sure they signify a desire to walk away from their old self and past. bc of the baptism thing.

in buddhism, theres nothing to absolve one of their past. theres a strong emphasis on change instead, so its more of acceptance rather than discard.

which is. hm. idk what daigo's major deal is but from 2 -> 8 he seems like he ate a lot of shit along the way, guessing from his acala irezumi and name. and that the cross isnt a big thing in his character design anymore: it reads a little like he stopped running away from his family history.

(incidentally shinto is very responsible for the conservative classism in japan historically speaking, which is why its not a very strong thing in rgg setting. basically, strong Cleanliness and Dirtiness ideas, and guess which side of our night life, criminal and ex yakuza mcs falls under :') )

anyway im nuts bye

[chronicpaingirlie]

doctors relying/insisting on blood tests so much for diagnoses is so incredibly frustrating like. yeah i get it can be helpful but it shouldn’t be the sole factor in them diagnosing you???

like. im very disabled and i was lucky enough that one thing Did show up in my blood tests but if it hadn’t that doesn’t negate the fact that im in pain literally 24/7 & that half the time I could barely stand or walk because of the pain in my legs.

idk the need for like. ‘proof’ for diagnosis instead of just paying attention to the patient’s symptoms and lived experiences is so exhausting (& in a lot of cases expensive & completely unrealistic without health insurance).

i just really wish we lived in a world where people ‘faking it’ isnt the default assumption, and where doctors believe patients and actually work to help them whether or not something shows up in their blood tests.

[retaurd]

So sorry if this is an annoying or repetitive question, but I’m in a similar family situation and I was curious if you experience maternal feelings toward your brother? Or if the knowledge that he is your brother and not your son is enough to stave this off? I’ve read accounts from surrogates where they develop a maternal attachment during pregnancy that makes the handoff of the baby really difficult. Was it easier since you’re not really being separated from your brother after birth? Again I’m sorry if this is something you’re tired of explaining, one of your posts about it floated across my dash and scrolling your blog for a while I haven’t seen any posts about it that could answer my questions without directly asking. Have a good one

hi! happy to answer, especially if it helps you in some way

to clarify, just in case: what i did isnt considered a surrogacy, but a gestational carry, because my own eggs were not used in any way. surrogacy, from my understanding now (because i had no idea there was a difference or that surrogacy entailed horrors when i started this ~1.5yr ago) is when a woman gives her own genetic material in the creation of the child, carries it, then the child is removed from her and raised by someone else. what i did was have a lil test tube guy, a week old fetus basically, implanted into me, a fetus that belongs(ed? he ain't a fetus no more) to my parents. all i did was help my mom out with gestating him. basically.

anyway to answer you: i've had a heavy hand in raising all of my siblings since i was about 12 years old so i think i have a weird relationship with maternalist feelings but i'll do my best to answer as clearly as i can because for me those waters are a bit muddied. for me the most clearly maternal i felt was immediately post-birth and i will explain. the entire time i was pregnant i was fine, i had a wonderful peaceful easy pregnancy (im pretty sure comparably, aside from a couple gallbladder attacks) without much stress or anxiety mostly, but the minute i saw him, and specifically saw other people, medical professionals, touching him, i got extremely emotional like rapturously overjoyed and then also extremely anxious. they had to take him a few times for a few tests, some examinations, a bath, et c., and i remember getting overwhelmingly anxious and upset that he was apart from me and that they could possibly hurt him because a lot of them are dumb as fuck but that's a separate grievance for another time

im lucky in that i have him half of the time, im with him during the night and early day and my mom is very very freely giving with him and i am as much involved as she and my dad are, just like with my other siblings. the first night i was home he was with my mom and i couldn't sleep just weepy and wondering what he was doing. literally. wondering what a newborn was doing lol. but after a few days for me this wore off as my hormones settled and my anxiety and worry relaxed about him getting hurt, that was a constant fear for the first like 4 or 5 days for me. sleeping helped my body and mind return to normalcy, i had a c-section so i am still recovering from that and my physical inability at the time also had something to do with my fears i think, i had this sense of inadequacy that i would fail him and being physically vulnerable didn't help

overall now, im fine i think. ask me again in a couple months though, who knows about then. i definitely get all the time with him i want or need. my mom from the beginning has been discussing the possible difficulty with me and i think ive organized things mentally well enough. i never thought of him as anything but my brother so i think that helped as well, i think if i wouldve basically poisoned myself into considering him to be my child it would've made things a million times harder as well as that being biologically untrue.

my parents trusted me to do this extremely important thing for them because i volunteered several times over the course of years and have worked to prove my responsibility to them. so it really felt like an act of love for me, i love them, i love my other siblings, i love the baby, i love everyone. all i wanted was to give more. and from the beginning my parents told me this isn't just their baby, it's 'our' baby, as in my whole family. thinking about it that way helped me too.

i hope this helped. i was very scared at some points and very nervous or fearful but nothing was ever as bad as i thought and i was never presented with anything i couldnt handle. please if you need or want to, come off anon and talk to me. im here for you if you need it, even if it is still anonymous but we are able to talk privately and i can do whatever i can to help, i'd be more than happy to. thank you for coming to me, i hope with all my heart that you're okay and your family too

[pingguoringo]

(note im not too deep in prsk lore so idk much)

sappy mafukasu fic where Tsukasa learns abt mafuyu's distress through emu and rui, hearing the other side of mafu and wanting to see it for himself. Time comes where WxS are preforming and mafuyu being there (i only read ch8 of fes. colored by twiligjt LOL basing it off this). and tenma is like. i must see this girl again for myself and is like... ok shes normal ??? yall crazy.

But somehow talking more lead to the same topic as before, and he saw it. it practically stabbed him in the face.. the face of uncertainty. they talked about goals but the loud Kasa was looking at mafuyu expression. it reminded him of his own. Lost. One that asks "where does life want to take me next?" but not ina. good way.

I dont personally think he would want to make Mafuyu smile in this case. More like Id think he wants to guide Mafuyu. Guide her to find her path in life, seeing he had lost his way too. And when He learns of expectations Mafuyu had? i feel he would cry because he feels one in the same. The expectation to always be the star of a great show, to be happy lucky. Not saying bere Tsukasa is depressed (i dont doubt that tho LOL) but he wonders if his loud and annoying personality truly is good enough...

he could also help her expressing herself, as he takes note Mafuyu doesnt express emotions a lot, when she isnt fronting her "good girl" personality to the world.

RAAAAAAAH

Would yall believe me if i said im not too deep into PRSK lore? Because ive only read the main story and like 2 event chapters. like a sub chapter for like 2 diff events 😭😥😭

[iicheeze]

(idk if im doing this right or if this is even the correct way to send this. if it isnt, feel free to ignore!!)

Hello. I’m here for the matchup, and it’s great to meet you. :)

You can call me Drake Sprout. I’m usually a reserved person, but get more comfortable with people after a few weeks (that’s part of the reason I’m participating. It’s less awkward than meeting people face to face). I like to draw (dragons are a personal favorite subject) and occasionally write, but rarely ever finish a piece. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to fit a doodle in this paper, but it will likely be too small. Shame. Either way, I hope you (whomever you are) and I can get to know each other better.

Kindest regards, Drake Sprout.

PS: he/him, almost forgot to mention.

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ You have found.. 2 matches! What a surprise! ˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

Hello, Drake Sprout. Glad to meet you as well. You can call me Glaze Lilies. I understand that you don't immediately warm up to people. Some have their own personal reasons, some just isn't used to interactions like these. I myself, is like that as well. I treat them kindly, yet not very close enough to trust them. Just treating them as a simple acquaintance. I'm sure you feel the same, no?

I participated in this event solely because events like these are quite rare from where I come from. Usually it'd just be festivals of some sort. I'm glad to see this event is nations-wide. For I'm hoping to see each and every one of your adventures.

You like to draw, yes? Specifically, dragons? Well, there is one in my nation. Comfortable to say, that they're our nation's Archon. However, they have passed. For our Archon is no more. But, I could lend you some pictures of it, if you don't mind.

Usually, I'd spend my time listening to stories and drinking tea. Alone, I say. But it's alright. On some times, one of my friends would pass by and possibly join me. If we ever do meet, I hope we can share a tea together and tell stories.

I hope to hear your stories and hear more about you in the future, Drake Sprout. It is pleasant to talk to you.

Sincerely, Glaze Lilies.

Happy to meet you, Drake Sprout. I'd like to call myself Cunning Fox. I participated in this event because I find it interesting. I, myself had a pen pal, before. Just not like this! Yet, I also participated so that I can find motivation and ideas for a new book to publish.

In case you're wondering, no, I'm not a writer. You can say that I'm some sort of an editor. I review story ideas and if it's good enough, I'll let it to be published. In my nation, I guess you could say I have a powerful role. But I'd rather keep that role a secret. It's no fun unraveling my secret just like that, right?

You like to draw, eh? Do you maybe dream to be an illustrator? Being an illustrator is no easy job, I tell you that. But if you have no plans of making money with it, I understand. I'm a stranger. You wouldn't listen to me, of course. Well, unless you're willing to interact with me more. You could say we can become more than strangers.

If you're comfortable, can you send me a sample of your dragon illustrations? I'd love to review them for you. Drawing such a detailed yokai is not an easy job. If you're planning to draw other animals other than the dragon, I can send you a few photographs of yokais in my nation. They're worth to draw for!

My paper is going to be finished along with my time. Pleasure to write to you, Drake Sprout. I await your response. :)

— Cunning Fox

＊*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚ Finding two matches in just a simple letter. What a surprise! Would you like to answer to both of their letters? Or maybe, just one of them? ˚*•̩̩͙✩•̩̩͙*˚＊

[razette]

I think what I like most about decorating games is that it reminds me that I do have a personality! Im just fucking poor.

So many times, all over the internet, people say "your space is a reflection of who you are." I sometimes need to remind myself that while that CAN be true, if you look around your space and think "damn, i must have zero personality" or "my identity is entirely my depression/adhd/etc" ... let me reassure you that just isnt the case. You have a personality and it isnt just your specific flavor of neurodivergent.

Im poor! My adhd makes organizing absolute hell! Both can be true. I got rid of most of my stuff and moved cross country MORE THAN ONCE in less than 10 years. The first time we moved we packed what could fit in a 1996 Toyota Corolla Deluxe and moved 2000+ miles away. If it didnt fit, oh well, sucks to suck!

We did it again in 2023, but this time it was a 2016 nissan rogue and a small uhaul (that someone rented for us!) This apartment is nice, but I dont have ways to organize my stuff! As in I am lacking simple basic organizational things needed to make functional use of my space. We didnt bring hangers or laundry baskets (but we have replaces those) because there. was. no. room.

This nice huge closet next to my bathroom is wonderful, but it doesnt have enough shelving. I have a lot of things that need put away, but it cant be because I have NO way to fill the 6 to 10 inches of unused vertical space on each shelf! To be able to use that vertical space I need BUY the necessary organizers! The reason I cant do that is because I am poor!

My couch is ugly! Why? because it was literally 50$ and smelled weird when we first bought it. Frankly we are just lucky it didnt have bed bugs because bed bugs are an unfortunate reality of many cheap or low income apartments here. Just like ants and roaches are a fact of life in cheap apartments in florida, not because we or our neighbors are dirty-- the apartment building itself was literally rotting. Rotting wood is literally their ecological niche. That is where they are supposed to be. That is just a fact of life. oh well.

Some people, like my best friend or my sister can make anywhere they live feel like a second skin. My sister can do this with cheap paint, paper, clear fucking packing tape and what ever stuff she owns. I dont get it. I cant do that. I have to THINK about how to put a space together before I can do it.

playing a small decorator game can help you remember that you are not only your circumstances. at least it does for me.

[outsidereveries]

i think the digitalisation of entertainment has ruined the simple enjoyment of entertainment for me cause theres almost too much of it now

do you think kpop overall will ever change its direction? i dont and never have really cared for tiktok challenges so its less appealling to those who dont partake in these choreographies of kpop groups. tbh I dont particularly know exactly what I like about kpop these days bc its debuting minors so much that im like ehhh its another pretty and young group so what? most often in that case i can just like them for their songs so it doesnt particularly bother me as such yet i feel like kpop still missing something or its been crazy with debuting recently yet groups are neither standing out too much or the members are quite similar to one another or its abt the images and concepts of groups rather than the songs themselves

do you ever think its taken it too far sometimes? like its never heard of less is more and some groups simply have too many members for me to fully care deeply abt each one is quite ridiculous. idk the only way i knew of kpop is through youtube so if we didnt have youtube rn i never wouldve heard abt kpop as they only seem to aim for america

so rather than other using platforms i dont even care if idols dating or no so idfk what exactly interests me much these days cause it seems that kpop is the main music rn and theres not much else that i particularly like abt music anymore so i kind fo have to like something so i dont die of boredom itself yet there isnt much for my age group to follow bc we already had our music phase

i feel too old to be liking whats current but not young enough to care that deeply for every trend or every internet fad there is. its weird to say but i often feel like i shouldve been from an older generation due to the amount of digitalisation of most media and entertainment being geared towards those who prefer online media yet theres nothing else to genuinely like outside of the internet bc its always seems to be centred around it come what may that or music and mvs are so flashy and fancy compared to what i had when i was these idols ages

even the fact that my age would be considered too old to debut in kpop is what is mind boggling to me but then id have to force myself to fit group concepts and whatever else even if they werent my taste so i probs would avoid doing kpop unless it had been from an older generation then id like to have seen more comparison bc there isnt much to compare from older kpop vs now where there is much more

i also think when older idols have said they had more rest time due to lack of internet or social media in general, i think many younger groups could benefit from more rest time yet the speed in which they are doing all these online extra things for their fans and even then they still can get negative backlash due to their fans toxic behaviour so it like they cant really win bc these groups grow up online nowadays but everyone need the internet and so much is done via a computer system so no one can truly escape needing social media either so even if their fans complain idols do too much why are they not more grateful towards what idols do for them?

esp since theres much more idols could be doing instead of being online or trying to go viral for every small detail they ever upload

these idols should thank their lucky stars with how much tool they now have and things like smartphones and whatnot or idfk instagram and other shit like that cause we never had those as kids and in a way i wish we never needed such devices cause again i dont care even if idols get into "scandals" it doesnt phase me bc its mainly that the internet overreact to such minor wrongdoings that often arent even wrong to begin with so thats an other thing i dont care for bc it always seem to want reactions from people or their fans hold it against the idols and make the idols suffer from the backlash that they receive due to people having too many means of expressing a thought or opinion online

i also think trends coming back again it doesnt surprise me anymore, like aespas cd player didnt surprise me so i didnt particularly care for it either, we had those, same for the way tech companies tried to modernise the flip phones that we also had it just aint truly wowing me rn whether it be their merch or even a few songs recently i think bc theres so much of it and its all only really accessible via our screens again maybe if kpop had been known from like before the 90s i mightve taken more of an interest but im like ehhh whatever

whats an even weirder thought is by the time these very young idols get married the internet is not only going tk descend into chaos but i will be long gone from this screen obsessed society, thank god

another thing i find useless to me is pop up shops seem so useless to me bc a) im either in the wrong country for them, im in the countryside thus its quite a trek to ghe nearest one and b) i just dont need to collect merch anymore even for western group i rather just like them for their songs these days than anything else

i think thats the only way to really like a group without getting overly attached to its members that and age gaps as well i find watching younger groups both give me fomo and existential crisis cause i never got to do anything cool like what they have and all the opportunities these groups are given is so so different and generally it all tends to be quite overly fancy and flashy but at the same time i dont know if i care enough tbh im just quite very bored of a lot of entertainment mainly bc its in such short formats tiktok and youtube shorts reels whatever tf theyre called again it only is going to get so much of my attention before i get sorely bored of it bc its not ever going to always be in person and its not something i would need anymore not like the good ole days of an internetless societh when we had cars that had cd players in them and you could generally find a use for some of the tech we had but nowadays it just seems like its load of nonsense geared towards needing our reactions or attachments in unhealthy mannerisms or behaviours that could be quite toxic for both the idols and their fans

if we needed albums then we all should still have cd player somewhere so albums dont go to waste or so they dont collect dust but no one going to be carrying around cd after cd due to smartphones so we dont particularly need a cd player if we can already access the songs on youtube and so on

even streaming ruin so many songs cause then it only matters if songs are getting the most views not whether they are nice songs or not or if they have good vocals or not non of that rlly matters anymore as per le sserras coachella performance it clearly doesnt matter if they are or arent actually talented cause so many groups just aim to go viral online

honetly i dont care how fucked up previous generations were id gladly take a time machine and go back to a non screen based society where entertainment seemed to be more lively and freer than what we have today where its so structured snd formatted mainly only for internet trends

sorry for my long ramble just wanted to get my thoughts out somehow about the way kpop has been recently it just seems much more toxic esp online, i kind of just have to like groups from afar bc i dont want to partake in it yet i also have to find something interesting enough to like and it only seems to be found on social media these days :/

sorry for responding only now;

to be honest, i agree that the entertaiment stuff being avaiable (basically almost) everywhere lost the spark of the entertaiment itself. because of it i really doubt the k-pop industry will be back like we used to know the entertaiment the industry has given to us so far, and this applies to all industires in my honest opinion. the social medias are definitely the main reason why the entertainment is overfilled in any genre possible (i am typing generally), like you said, the tiktok videos (challenges included)! i've never been interested in the content that involve promoting their song or anything else that will benefit the idol/s. this might be due to the fact i've never been obssessed stan to the extent i'll buy my ult group's merchandise (and reading what other stans've been doing, not only that..).

i also agree with your opinion related to the fact more underage trainees (boys, girls, doesn't matter) are debuting. i've always been casual listener of the genre, to be honest and even i've had some phases where i've been watching more content of some groups but that was it, you know?

the industry though has always been overfilled with groups and it's not from recently, most of them in the earlier generations (from 2nd onwards as far as i know) didn't work out either because of the majority of the companies were small or the groups didn't worked out. the paradox here is us, non-korean fans (mainly americans and europeans) give chance to more of the groups while koreans are picky, at least that's the impression i have.

related to the recent groups being the same, YES, YES, YES, I'M RELIEVED I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS SEEN IT! personally, from the 4th generation onwards i've sensed the transition from copying other groups' in one way or another to being TOO similar (and I am not saying that this is only about one specific group, I am typing it collectively). this might be due to BTS and BLACKPINK's popularity worldwide for which I am not suprised, to be honest.

the whole industry, not only k-pop, is taking too far with brainwashing us in one way or another through simple stuff (for example what are the friendship between member a and member b). okay, let's say we should have a position on an event x and y (and etc.) but have the majority of us (overall) looked into the alternative medias, the real life, the news? if you believe only the one side, have you ever seen what the other one looks like? nowadays it looks really favoritised for the most of the topics (sorry for switching the topic for a bit) and if you want to change the world and bring awareness, start with your local issues ffs (not cursing to you)! okay, i understand the underage fans who will bring awareness for events that are very important and impactful and i agree that sns for once can be actually useful but DO THE SAME FOR YOUR HOME PLACE, EYE TO EYE, or creating your own brand with an purpose that can change many people's lives! the issue here is that the influencers should be accepted LITERALLY, to have their own mindset, to think independently and to let their fanbase be aware of things they care about! almost all of them (i am including all famous people here in this group because more or less they're influencing us) are basically promoting themselves and the majority of their interests basically make me feel "is that it? your hobbies being too different from what's the reality surrounding you?" like, i shouldn't care at all about it but ALMOST ALL OF US ARE LIKE THAT, it makes me feel INSANE! i've learned about the genre through youtube/psy becoming viral too but the brainwashing stuff didn't become thanks to his song! maybe i've been realising everything just now but it had started in the beginning of the whole entertaiment industry, the k-pop isn't at fault for it, they just hopped on what should be done according to the americans and western europeans!

i also feel old to follow what's trendy nowadays so i changed my actual interests because if i still follow the k-pop often i'll become one of the many people, you know? the time and the generations have changed without a doubt and for some things it shouldn't happen like that, for that i am sad. (this includes the things you said, if i get more deep into the pointless stuff the k-pop industry have become it'll be just too long)

basically, i can relate with you. there are more things to do than following random famous people that will be more worth it in the end :)

[dumbassphysict]

Rant

I'm starting 9th grade in a few days and I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself. I'm in the more advanced classes like APUSH, pre ap English and honors geometry (sad there's no ap geometry.) But last year I took strings rather than a language and now IM STUCK WITH THE FUCKING 8TH GRADERS. because in 8th grade you cant take strings and a language. And those 8th graders fuckers are feral. my grade is filled with entitled fucks who act like idiots constantly, but they know not to shout racist and homophobic comments any chance they get. And im a trans autistic kid, im fucked. so for context, at the end of the year this central/south american band comes and plays for all the grades. a group of these kids thought it was funny to shout obsine and racist comments throught their preformence. And one of those kids came up to me durring the haloween parade and was holding up his cross and shouting "the power of christ compels you" at me????? And when we went to get icecream after he was there and was standing uncomfortably close to me when I was paying. same kid also poked a hole in one of the kids blow up amung us costume. I got lucky enough for none of the kids in my grade to outright bully me for being trans but if those kids find out im trans there going to harass me any chance they get.

And im in gym. last year I almost lost high honors because that fucking class. I have NO stamina in the first place and im out of shape because all I did all summer was quit my job because my back hurt so fucking much, build a prototype robot, read and watch dnd podcasts. Im not very athletic, my back hurts all the time and every time I try to do something athletic, some place in my body goes 'haha fuck you' and hurts like hell. last year i fucked up my knee and now every time I run I get worried ill hyper-extend it. most of this is probably because im out of shape tho. and I have no intention of geting in shape because im not doing any sports or anything. I just hope my gym teacher isnt a dick to me like last year and lets me sit out if im not feeling good. I know my gym teacher last year was a good teacher but when I asked to sit out because my knee/back hurt a ton or I was insanely tired (I had some pretty bad chronic fateuge last year, on better meds now tho) she would tell me 'oh well im tired too/ well my back hurts too but im still able to participate.' Honistly it got to a point where I think she thought I was faking just to get out of class(I wasent doing that, I hate gym but if I could partipate I would beause I wasent about to fail a class.) I guess it did seem real convenient that almost every class I was too tired/in pain to participate. not to mention all the try hards would make a point of not letting me participate in a game. I would try to get them to pass the ball to me or something and they just wouldent. to be fair I had no clue what was happining most of the time and I am not good at sports so Id just fuck up every time I got the chance to do some thing. and that did not help my case.

Im not trying to be like ' oh woe is me, my life sucks' or anything. I just had to get this out there because every time I try to talk to someone about it they tell me to suck it up. which is fair because these things aren't important. had to write it all down to get it out of my head. :p

[familiar-foxx]

I am so fucking depressed.

I wish to make something of myself.

I wish for my boyfriend to be able to fling me around. To pick me up in his arms, and hold me there.

At the same time, I wish I could eat, and my brain not scream at me. To look at myself in the mirror, and not want to dig into the skin for the first time in 4 years.

I wish for my days to not consist of waiting for the 2 days off I have, but when those days come all I do is sleep, and dread work.

I go days without washing my hair.

I forget to brush my teeth.

I stink.

My skin is breaking out.

All I think about is how lucky I am to have what I have.

But feel guilt and shame when I feel like I want more.

At the same time, I feel as though I dont deserve them. I feel like everyone would be better off without me.

All the potentially good nights wasted, or robbed by my anxiety, depression, and self pity. He would be happier with someone skinnier, prettier, smarter.

He doesnt deserve me. I dont deserve him. But in completely different ways.

Maybe if my mother didnt rob me of a decent childhood with decent lessons. Maybe if the trauma didn’t happen, I could have focused on school, and finished college, or maybe I could have had the drive, and confidence to work for my dreams sooner.

I could have been so much better by the time I found him. I could have been able to give him so so much more.

Maybe its noones fault but my own. Maybe I blamed others for so long to avoid getting myself out, because that would take effort.

Maybe its both. All I know is that right now, Im not enough. What I can give is not enough. What I want is not enough. Working tirelessly is somehow not enough.

This isnt for pity. In fact, I am wildly uncomfortable when well meaning, and beautiful friends reach out. Thats not what this is for, even though it does touch my heart.

Its for me. Its for you in case you have simaler feelings. Hopefully though, its mostly for a someday. A someday where I can look back on these words when Im in a better headspace, or in a greener pasture, and I want to jump through time to the girl typing these words, and wrap her in my arms, and stoke her hair, and tell her, “Sweet girl. You have no idea how close you are. Everythings going to be okay. I am with you, and you are very close to being with me.”

And all will be right. All of it.

[mintyvoid]

so i bought and have now recived my anti planner, and while i imagine a bunch of the tools wont do anything- im hoping something helps. And ill try to speak up if anything does.

For some context i suppose if you dont regularly read my depressed rants, i was diagnosised autistic in 2020 but had been in therapy on and off since 2010 for anxiety and depression. I found a majority of resources not helpful or treading over ground ive already done years into- when I started researching 'okay so im autistic what the fuck do i do now, how do i get better'.

(I just keep ranting how shit doesnt seem to want to work for me below)

Most likely cause of all the years ive done work on myself, i am very self aware and quite good at communicating how im feeling. But found that none of the tools I learned helped long term or even enough to better my quality of life(now knowing this was because all those tools help people without a neuro disability, they simply were never going to work).

I've also found that a lot of the resources out there, include this book, are catered towards those with adhd, which while having a lot of simularities to autism- they are not the same. And though I had previously thought i was adhd, im like pretty sure this isnt the case(like in terms of a duo adhd n autism diag). So a lot of the stuff i end up finding /also/ doesn't work.

Though i cant reaally tell if its due to the autism or depression. A good example is the 'trick your brain' angle i see abundantly. To do things like 'set a timer to create a deadline or force panic' or similar time constrainted things simply dont work. I can feel incredible stress to complete something from a deadline or disappointed friend or angry manager and it do little to nothing to motivate me to do the actual thing. If i dont want to do something(or even if i want to do something but my brain for whatever reason doesnt let me), it doesnt happen- concequnce be damned.

I can break tasks into smaller chunks for days, but if i cant get up or move my arm to start said small task then it doesnt really matter does it? The one thing i can do is organize lol, but its the one thing that i see the most as advice- which is totally understandable as its not something taught so a majority would lack the skill. I was really lucky to seek help when i did and to then get actually good advice. It's probs been the only moment where help and support did actually help my quality of life.

Most likely I wont see any improvement in my life till I either go back therapy(actually find someone who can help someone like me, probs needs to be on meds again too) or can afford to create an environment thats supportive of my needs...or more than likely a combo of the two lol. Neither of which i see happening as both need money and i cant work nor get much from my disability program and cant work enough on online stuff to make that my income.

As an aside, i do know that many if not most, have it worse than i do. And i often feel that i simply cant complain about my own situation because im have a loving family that supports me as much as they can, im no where near homelessness, im not bipoc or a trans person, i could technically work but i would only be able to just work(aka id have to give up doing what i ant for a living and went to school for and actually am passionate about, and honestly typical work stresses and sucks so much energy out of me ugh id probs just burn out again n quit). I dont feel i can ask for money or support when there are others i feel need it way more than i do.

And i absolutely hate that what i have isnt enough, and that fact is also why i feel i cant vent. Srry this kinda went off the deep end.

[gurkemeie]

i didnt know it was bob dylans song for the longest time. i didnt need to know of the supposed controversy tied to it, just hearing it in 2022 automatically made my ears perk in Unease.

but im glad i found out, because i love how it recontextualizes the song, hearing it from her. its completely unrecognizable from the original.

listening to just like a woman is incredibly comforting. its like having a heart to heart. a therapy session.

because ive been made to feel like there is. always. something wrong with me. im too much, im not hitting my marks, im not supposed to be here. things like that.

ive been made to feel like womanhood isnt mine to claim, because i don't??? i dont even know anymore. i dont play the part well enough seems to be the essence of it.

(or, that sometimes i do, but then its twisted into something to be of service to men specifically. oh men like childlike naivete, youre lucky youre just like that naturally. a real sentence that has been uttered to me)

and then im unreasonable for feeling anything towards such statements, theyre not real, noone has actually said that, its all in my head, im too fragile and too sensitive and reading malice where there is none.

(in that case, im suddenly not childlike or naive anymore, im too much in an entirely different way)

and i think the last bit hurts the most because all this vitriol is supposedly coming from me, then? all this ugliness is my own creation?

ive grown to be defensive when it comes to my identity. like, whos gonna tell me who i am? but i dont want that to be taken away from me. because being isnt something that happens in solitude. i think we all build each other. i am because of a group effort.

when people who care about me tell me what im like, i feel so loved.

when im listening to roberta flack sing the words that are usually said condecendingly, the words from a man with a misguided sense of what it is to love a woman; when she sings it with so much softness, it transforms into something else entirely.

i claim this because every time i hear this song it makes me feel so loved.

and they are ultimately the same thing, being seen and being so loved.

i suspect she knows, that being a woman is more than the stories we tell, that its so complicated and messy and jarrring and beautiful and elusive of any rigid idea that we try to pin it to.

and so i feel comfortable claiming womanhood.

its the result of what i built alongside everyone whos ever loved me. all my quirks and all my peeves. they are what give me enough conviction to say, without having to worry about how to place myself in accordance with narrow ideas of what it is to be:

i am a woman, specifically because I said so, and so I am one.

on purpose, clumsily, earnestly;

i am just like a woman.

[lolawassad]

Hey it’s me again. I have another request haha I was wondering if you could write a murphy x reader where the reader falls asleep on his shoulder and he goes all soft and is like “nobody fucking move or i’ll kill you myself or sum” haha. And if you want you could harper and monty be like the readers parents again. And in they case it would be like they finally understand that Murphy actually cares about the reader and isn’t just using them or something. (he proves himself to them in a way yk?)

Hope this makes sense, happy writing!! :))

John murphy (almost wrote john purple??) X reader

3rd pov

Monty walks in with a big smile "i did something new with the algae" he says proudely murphy who is sitting next to y/n scoffs.

"You trying to put me in a coma again?" He asks annoyed, making y/n and harper giggle "yeah 'dad' you trying to kill my boyfriend?" Y/n asks playfully, the dad part makes monty smile even more and the boyfriend part makes murphy cockily put his arm over his girlfriends shoulder with a smirk.

"See shes on my side" murphy says proud making the girl next to him shake her head "murp.. Dont be rude to my dad, he might actually poison the algea, remember the whole 'ill kill ya' speech he gave?" She asks concerned.

Bellamy glares at the couple in front of him as if echo isnt holding his hand on the table and scoffs "face it murphy, you wont ever be good enough for our little sunshine" he mocks, y/n kicks him under the table and echo slaps his chest letting go of his hand "dont be mean, i think.. You guys are a very cute couple" echo smiles before adding "remember my threat too okay little sky boy?"

Y/n sighs annoyed before shaking her head and walking away from the dinner table.

Murphy glares at the older couple before chasing after his girlfriend "doll" he yells before grabbing her arm, he lifts her up bridal style and takes her to the big window facing earth, he sits her down and then sits next to her.

"They just really fucking love you baby" he tells y/n making her scoff "its so annoying, everybody is a couple everyone deserves happieness but then i wanna be happy with you and its not okay, i mean i have had a crush on you since you punched finn the first day on earth cause he looked at me funny and then blamed it on me being friends with jasper so i was under your protec-" he cuts her off with a kiss

"i have had a crush on you since that day too, i didnt think you wanted anything to do with me because you scolded me and i didnt talk to you until after i got hanged and you stormed up and demanded they take me down. When connor put that knife against your throat i got so fucking pissed, thats why i took my anger out on him instead of wanting Charlotte to get floated. im happy Charlotte is still alive by the way, i heard she met a grounder her age before the bunker closed" y/n's head falls onto murphy's shoulder and he pulls her closer, their backs now against the wall facing the window "do you wanna go back J?" Y/n asks looking at earth

John just shrugs "im going where ever the fuck my girl is, so.. Do you wanna go back, doll?" The girl nods her head "i wanna see clarke, make up with her, i wanna see octavia, and just give her a hug, she needs one" she says

murphy nods in agreement before snorting "i bet she and lincoln are making childern as we fucking speak" y/n laughs

"Gross, i wouldnt be surprised if they already had a child though, i remember octavia saying she would have some kids with him when she told me about their relationship for the first time" she says

"what about you? You wanna have kids with me?" He asks, his mouth is in a smirk but his eyes are filled with hope. Y/n nods "fuck yeah, i want 3, and we shall call em huey dewey and louie-" he slaps her shoulder "fucking brat" he scolds her with a playfull laugh.

Murphy softly lays his head on her head and they just sit in silence watching the earth, it doesnt take long for y/n to fall asleep, leaving murphy with his thoughts on how lucky he is.

Then he hears the voices of the others, when they enter the hall way he softly but harshly tell them "shut the fuck up if you wake her i will take out your fucking eyeballs and shove them where the sun doesnt fucking shine yeah?" Before softly pulling his girl so shes laying on the floor with her head in his lap and starts playing with her hair.

Monty and bellamy look at each other and nod, echo and harper just smile at each other.

Raven and emori fake gag and whisper "gross affection" before raven jumps on emori's back and emori starts running away.

Thats how y/n wakes up, to a still staring at earth murphy and her head in his lap "i do want kids with you, i have had want them with you since the so many-th time you saved me" y/n says "i told octavia 'i want a boyfriend and kids but if he isnt john murphy then i will stay single and kidless my whole life" she continues before yawning and falling asleep again leaving John in happy tears

[heyitsyn]

Manager!Inarizaki

a/n: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i would put in all the reqs but there were so many people who requested for our fox babies that it would literally take up every space :”) and im happy to comply so here it is

AAAA LOOK THEY’RE SO CUTE OMG LIKE BLS BUT IM A RIN SIMP :’)

alkdfjlsdfi

sunarin simp is typing😍🍃💞..........

ogeiogeiogei

hehehehehe

so im actually just going to include the starting lineup like i knowwwww theres subs but im only most familiar with the regulars :(

okay so anyways!!

now

you might be wondering

how in the hell did you become the manager of these crackheads

from calm papi kita to psycho tsumu,

why are you their manager

you, the cute and shy and innocent not wittle first year, somehow became the manager of the powerhouse volleyball team of inarizaki high

it all started with our dear lovely samu

hehe bet you didnt see that coming

now we all know baby samu literally is the biggest foodie in the team and he constantly thinks about food 24/7 therefore there isnt much room in there for anything else except for volleyball

basically, 

the dude loves to eat

it just so happens that you made food

your family owned a cafe down the street from the school and you worked there after school to help your parents

now how does this tie in with samu you ask

this chile was so hungry that he had to skip practice

sending kita a quick text about doing a quick errand, he walked down the street on the hunt for a quick place to grab a bite

he totally ignored kita’s warning of cramps if he ate a lot then practiced but whatever food is life

it just so happens he stumbles upon your family’s cafe

when he entered, the smell of bread and food entered his nostrils causing this baby to just float right in

you were manning the register while your brother was at school so you smiled at the incoming figure of this familiar boy

and because you recognized him, you couldnt help but grin and gasp a little

‘oh! miya-senpai!’

you exclaimed and osamu was confused because he’s never seen you before but he thought you were probably a kouhai in school

you looked young and definitely not a face he’s seen before so he concluded you were most likely a first year

and you were really cute

like really

really

cute

that thought caused this babe to blink awkwardly and nod at your direction

‘uh, hi’

he greeted and you smiled at his awkward nature

‘what can i get you today, miya-senpai?’

he must’ve been busy looking at you to actually look at the menu behind you and he fumbled, rushing to find a food to get

‘wh-what do ya recommend?’

he asked and you paused then thought deeply

‘hmm, we have onigiris freshly made! and we also have milk bread thats really good!’

did you just-

did you just say onigiri?

‘yea ill take some onigiri’

he decided and you lit up

‘perfect! the total is-’

he completely blanked out because wow your smile was really pretty

‘miya-senpai? miya-senpai?’

you called out and he snapped out of it

‘oh, sorry, here’

he gave you the cash and you gave him back his change before wandering to the glass case where the savory foods were placed

you seemed to glide over and osamu watched you with fond eyes, interest bubbling in him

there was something about you that made him curious

but he just didnt know what

it confused him because maybe you were just someone he hasnt seen before and not the same fans he sees all the time

‘you’re really lucky, miya-senpai. i just finished making them minutes before you walked in’

you commented

this took him aback

‘you cook?’

he suddenly asked and you chuckled, soft and airy laughs filling the air

‘of course, senpai! learning to cook is an essential for a business like this’

and thus created a beautiful friendship

he would come over to eat nearly every day of the week while you would happily serve him

sometimes, he would even buy extra so you could eat with him

while you were talking, he noticed you lacked the accent others from there had and he thought you were not originally from hyogo

he learned that you were actually from miyagi and you moved here just this year

‘so, how ya liking it ‘round here?’

he asked one day, after swallowing his food

you thought about it before shrugging

‘i mean, its still the countryside so i guess everything’s the same. maybe the dialect? my neighbors have strong accents, haha’

samu chuckled

‘its common over here. ya sound a lot more from tokyo. my best friend’s from there, ya see’

you raised an eyebrow

‘hm?’

‘rin. suna rin is in the team and hes from tokyo so he sounds like a standard city boy. ill take ya to meet him sometime’

nah he really wasnt

he wanted to keep you away from the others as much as possible, especially his brother, because he was a greasy mf

but that didnt really work out into plan because you approached him in school the other day

you saw him and you hurriedly ran to him where he stood with his twin and some guy

tsumu saw you coming from behind his brother and he smirked before nodding at you

‘samu, ya got a girlie running for ya’

samu turned, confused, until he saw your adorable face

‘y/n. whats up?’

you grinned

‘you left your team jacket, miya-senpai’

the red jacket was clutched in your hands and the two boys behind him shared a surprised look because osamu never mentioned a girlfriend

and with the way you were holding his jacket, the two boys immediately jumped into conclusions

well

more like atsumu started whining at osamu for not telling him he had a girl

‘i thought we were brothers! brothers for life!’

samu just awkwardly stands there and he has a sheepish look in his eyes that were looking at you apologetically

‘sorry about him, y/n. but thank you for returning it’

you handed him the fabric before smiling

‘it was a good thing you had a spare one for me, miya-senpai. who knew the rain would come so suddenly’

osamu sighed then playfully poked your forehead with his finger

‘how many times do i have to tell you to call me by my first name? i really dont want to hear anything that associates me with this bastard’

atsumu socked osamu at the shoulder causing the gray-haired boy to look away from you and start yelling at his brother

‘touch me again! see what happens then!’

‘yer just showing off for yer girlie! ya aint doin nothing!’

suna shook his head before turning to you with a sympathetic look

‘you really want to be with this guy? him and this idiot are practically a package’

you tilted your head

‘im,,, not with miya-senpai?’

suna blinked

‘but he gave you his jacket. he doesnt even give it to me. i guess its not part of best friend privileges’

at the mention of best friend, you lit up

‘oh! you must be sunarin! the tokyo boy!’

baby rin choked a little at the sight of your grin and he scrunched his eyebrows while awkwardly raising the corner of his lips to a smile

‘you,, uh,,, you know me?’

like it was the most obvious thing in the world, you nodded

‘at first, when miya-senpai told me, i didnt know who you were. but! youre actually very popular, suna-senpai! too bad i never saw you until today, though, because we’re in different floors. but! a lot of girls talk about you!’

poor rin didnt know how to react to that because he didnt want to look flustered but he didnt want to look cocky either

so he just opted to smile gently

‘oh. well, in that case. let me introduce myself to you. suna rintaro’

can we normalize suna being an actual nice guy instead of the cold stand-offish player bastard?

you shook his hand and said your name as well

like samu, he asked you to call him by his first name too since you were close to his friend therefore should try being close to you too

speaking of samu, him and atsumu reduced the violence to just bickering and they were still teasing each other even after you and suna talked

the coochi bangs boy rolled his eyes then slapped atsumu’s arm to gain their attention

‘yo. theres a girl here. try and be nice and civil’

atsumu seems like he forgot your existence because his eyes brightened at the sight of you

‘oh! heya!’

you nervously smiled at him because his hyperness and overall atsumu-ness was quite overwhelming

‘h-hello, miya-senpai’

atsumu pouted at how apprehensive you sounded

‘eyyy, why are you being nervous, girlie? im just samu, yanno! same face and everything!’

osamu knew you well enough that you were kinda awkward and you didnt know how to approach a hyper person like his brother so he naturally saved you

‘hey, y/n, the bell’s about to ring any moment now so try to not be late and ill be sure to see you later. do you want me to pick you up from your class and we can walk together?’

to you, it was just a simple offer from a friend but to the two, that was the confirmation of your relationship with the wing spiker

‘wahh, atsumu, your brother really is better than you. he knows how to treat girls good’

atsumu took offense to this

‘excuse you! i would be too if there were genuine girls in this school!’

osamu’s aggressive blinking was his signal for you to hurry along and you noticed causing you to chuckle before bidding goodbye

‘it was nice meeting you, rin-senpai. and,,, you too, miya-senpai. samu-senpai, later at 3?’

osamu softly smiled while nodding

‘later at 3’

the TEASING HE FACED from the two was unbearable and despite the amount of times he denied it, they were still teasing him

‘samu’s got a girlfriend~! samu’s got a girlfriend~!’

‘tsumu, i swear to god if you dont shut your trap’

‘imagine having a girlfriend’

true to his word, osamu was waiting for ya at the bottom of the stairwell from the one that led to the second floor, absentmindedly kicking some invisible thing in the floor

you were fixing your bag straps on your shoulders when you saw him at the end of the hallway and you couldnt contain your excitement seeing the grey haired boy

‘samu-senpai!!’

you shouted, getting his attention that made him whip his head up

the blank face contorted into a small smile and he raised a hand

‘yo’

when you made it next to him, you were grinning really big and samu felt flustered at your happy face

so he cupped your chin with his large hand that allowed him to squeeze both cheeks

‘cutie’

he mumbled but you didnt catch it, too busy trying to get him to stop squishing

you were originally supposed to go walk over to the cafe but you didnt know that osamu was actually trying to skip practice and he was trying to hide from the members

okay first off, i dont think samu would ever skip practice willingly bc he has the same drive as miya atsumu but he also just wants to spend time with you asklfjldfjdlk

but the loud mouth tsumu saw you guys as you turned a hallway

you were busy talking to osamu about some cooking chef guy gordon and he was nodding and talking but then he heard a loud shout

‘SAMU!’

osamu babie didnt know what was happening so he protectively placed an arm in front of you and hurriedly shoved you behind him in case something happened

duh you didnt know what was happening either so you were clutching his jacket and peeked from his arm to see atsumu stomping over with suna trailing behind him, seemingly texting on his phone

osamu lazily glared at his brother

‘what’

atsumu blanched and sped walk faster until he was right in front of him to yell 

‘IM TIRED OF YER EXCUSES! JUST CUS YA GOT YASELF A GIRLIE DUN MEAN YA GET TO SKIP PRACTICE!’

you furrowed your eyebrows

you tugged at his jacket and osamu turned to peer down at you and he gulped, preparing himself to hear your scolding

it wasnt the first time you scolded him as you just told him off the other day for not eating enough vegetables and fruits to balance out his unhealthy love for onigiri and sweets

‘samu-senpai,,, you told me you guys were taking an off week. why are you skipping practice today’

you were genuinely worried and you didnt seem to understand why he did that but the other two did and atsumu didnt hesitate

‘CUS HE WANTS TA SPEND TIME WITH YA, Y/N! BASTARD CANT EVEN BOTHER TO TELL ME THE REASON! YER SICK?! WHAT THE HELL EXCUSE IS THAT! YA NEVER GET SICK!’

poor suna is just watching this go down and he felt bad that you were caught in the middle

so he suggested a compromise

you watched sunarin push atsumu’s chest to make him back off and he gently smiled at you before looking at the two

‘how about we all go to practice and if y/n-chan wants, she can wait and osamu can spend time with her when hes done? besides, atsumu, you know osamu has been doing good on his spikes. maybe we can persuade coach and kita to let him off early since hes,,, quote unquote,, ‘sick’’

osamu debated but you emerged from behind him

‘sure! samu-senpai would love to go to practice! right, samu-senpai?’

you smiled at him but it was a stern smile

you just wanted him to go to practice because you knew now of how important volleyball was to the school and they needed to get all their time and energy to win the sport

atsumu agreed to this plan but osamu was forced to accept it

simp

just for extra measure, sunarin and tsumu walked behind you guys to the gym so you and samu had time to talk

you were chiding him of course because why would he waste time with spending time with you

‘just wanted to see ya, y/n-chan’

he winked but you pouted and wrinkled your nose

‘you cant weasel yourself out of this, samu-senpai’

osamu has never heard you scold him before so he was like o.o but inside he was like,,, hot

the gym was already on full practice and kita saw the second years from the door

aran LAKDJFLAKSFJLASDKF ARAN AAAAAAAAAAAAA nudged mimi with a smirk

as much as they loved the underclassmen, watching them get told off by kita was too funny to not watch

but what caused them to curiously peer behind the three was the appearance of a girl

a girl?

‘why’s a girl with them?’

aran mumbled and mimi shrugged, but also intrigued

you were behind osamu and he could tell you were nervous because youve heard of the reputation of the team

they were seen as practically as popular as the basketball team and everyone worshipped them

they were who put the school’s name in the map and you were about to meet the legends of inarizaki

thankfully, atsumu and rin walked to the front of you two so you and samu were at the back

samu didnt look at you but he reached behind him to open his palm as a signal for you to take it

you gratefully grabbed it and leaned closer in case something happens

‘KITA-SAN! WE GOT EM!’

atsumu shouted and suna chided him for being really loud

‘you’re late’

an even voice said in front of them and you leaned over to the side to see who it was from

your eyes bulged out of your head because one, wow he was handsome, and two, he looked like someone from miyagi

YALL KNOW WHO IM TALKING ABOUT BYE-

‘oh wow’

you mumbled absentmindedly and samu looked at you at the corner of his eye before scoffing

your face was totally bright red and your eyes were super wide

kita? really? of all guys? it was kita?

‘SORRY! was samu who took so long!’

atsumu lowered his voice down but he didnt tell the captain of his brother’s plans to skip

‘he has a stomachache and he was at the nurse’s office’

suna smoothly came up with a lie and he might look cool and calm, his hands were clasped behind him with it clenching his phone

your eyes left kita to notice that habit and you had a small smile because it was another reassurance that these boys werent as high and legendary as everyone made them to be

in the end they were still just students and boys

they were still human

‘oi, osamu, who’s the girl?’

aran finally bit the bullet and asked the question everyone has been wondering since the beginning

both you and samu stiffened at the direct question to you but he nodded

‘this is l/n y/n’

he introduced and you raised a shaky hand as a greeting but let go of samu to bow slightly to your seniors

‘hello, my name is l/n y/n, i’m a first year’

a few players also raised a hand but it was mimi who spoke at last

‘nice to meet you’

kita nodded at you but turned to the three

‘why is she with you? are you skipping again, osamu?’

again?

osamu inwardly cringed 

obviously, kita was sharper than they would think because he easily saw through suna’s lie

he also knew that samu never really got sick

he watched the younger shovel 5 bowls of ramen and still have enough room eat a plate of mochi and he was perfectly fine

it was silent between the four of you and atsumu and suna were looking at each other as they ran out of lies

dang they even planned the entire walk of what to say to kita

you looked between the twins and their friend before speaking up

‘samu-senpai really did have a stomachache. i was-uh-helping the nurse! um, i want to be a doctor or a nurse when i grow up! and-’

you started to ramble but because you were trying to lie and it was never your forte

ALKESDJFLKD Y/N I NEED TO TAKE YOU UNDER MY WING WE NEED TO TEACH YOU THIS IMPORTANT LIFE SKILL OMG

‘we were tryin to convince y/n to be a manager. thats why we took so long’

atsumu huffed

you froze

a what?

a manager?

you were genuinely truthful about wanting to go into a medical profession but not a manager

you were already a manager before and you didnt really want to do it again

kita was inspecting suna’s and atsumu’s and osamu’s faces to see a trace of dishonesty

you saw him raise a dark eyebrow and you knew then that these three cannot tell a lie to save their life

so you nodded frantically making kita look at you

‘mhm! they asked me! miya-san wanted someone they knew already so they asked me because i’m samu-senpai’s friend! so here i am!’

your awkward smile and stiff outstretched arms might’ve seem suspicious but kita moved his gaze from you to atsumu and the blonde nodded

‘yea! ya’ve been talkin bout bein worried of next year cus yall aint here no more so i got sum person responsible enough fer us!’

STOPP I HATE IT HERE I CANT SEEM TO WRITE OUT ATSUMU’S ACCENT LIKE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

after the longest 3 seconds, kita finally nodded and closed his eyes warily

‘alright. l/n-san, come here’

you froze at the way he said your name but suna was kind enough to walk over to your place beside samu to gently push you forward to kita

‘its okay’

he mumbled and you were so thankful because that gave you enough motivation and strength to keep going

your height was staggering between these men and kita seemed to tower you

but you kept an even and calm face 

‘yes?’

you asked

kita looked at you and he stared at your face, pupils moving as a sign that he was inspecting your eyes and every feature 

oh my god you shouldve plucked your nose hairs this morning

before you could feel more self-conscious, he spoke

‘you said you want to be a doctor?’

‘well, more like a nurse but um same thing’

‘you know medical stuff? know how to treat injuries?’

‘yes. i was a manager back in my hometown so i have experience’

‘where are you from?’

‘miyagi’

‘ya familiar with shiratorizawa?’

you cringed but nodded

‘yes’

‘are you from there?’

‘yes’

the three stooges from behind you had wide eyes at this sudden revelation because that was a school theyve played before

even the last interhigh, they were familiar of how strong that school was

the eagle and the guess monster

and you were their manager before? 

must’ve been during middle school as you were just a first year

‘so you know how plays and stats work?’

‘yes. anything you want me to do, im familiar and capable to do it’

god why are you saying this

you didnt even want to be a manager in the first place

yet here you are again

you were getting flashbacks from the war ajkfdfd

kita looked at you silently once more before finally standing up straight and pointing you to their coach who was watching the whole thing with crossed arms and furrowed brows

‘there. talk to him and you can finalize everything. i think its too early to say this but nonetheless, welcome to the team, y/n’

AND THUS STARTED YOUR JOURNEY WITH THE BOYS

akldjklfjsdlakj

IT WAS ALL BUILT ON LIES BUT WHATEVER

AS LONG AS NO ONE DIED ISSOKAY

no but really dont tell lies in general yall, maybe white lies, but try not to do that

OKAY MOVING ON

MOMENTS WITH THE TEAM

duh you are much much closer to samu than the rest of the team so you tended to stick to him more

like you would go to him first if you needed something or if you wanted someone to help you with the crate, he would be your go-to

that would make atsumu whine because he felt that samu was better than him

‘oi, y/n! im really good with ma arms! i can bench 300 yanno?’

you politely smiled and nodded

‘thank you for telling me, miya-san’

then you would proceed to nudge samu’s arm yum to ask for help

butbutbutbut

dont worry!!!!

you do end up warming up to him

for my atsumu stans, yall tend to go to him when samu is either busy or you just need a good laugh

this mans will embarrass himself both on purpose or accidentally to make you laugh lmao

you also have extra bottles for his medicine because he has adhd and the guys are like,,,, yo chill

and duh atsumu would forget to take them so youre practically his reminder

we all know how tsumu was practically attacked that one time when he insulted those girls, right?

yall may have forgiven but i will never forget >:(

well, during matches, you as their manager, always have to tell the stands to be quiet when atsumu is serving 

but no one told you this

you kind of figured it out during your time like when his eye would twitch if samu was talking to suna too loudly or when he would close his eyes to shut off his hearing because of the loud spikes on the other side

you noticed it

so you would go to the stands and nicely tell them that if they see atsumu serving, to be quiet

‘i understand you are all excited when he does his serve but we would all benefit more you could release that excitement inside and silently’

*cue atsumu pretending to faint in sunas arms*

OH SPEAKING OF SUNA

YES I SAID THAT I DONT REALLY LIKE FANON SUNA BC,,,

WEED

AND DRUGS

AND RUDE 

JUST OVERALL

NOT RECOMMENDED

but canon suna :”)

as a player, suna is seen as really manipulative and snarky and witty

he loves to poke fun at the other team, even his own, and just all-around annoying

but off-court

suna is a very quiet and reserved person

totally different from the one who talks and yaps constantly to the other side of the net

and hes a really pure person in some topics

like he would turn red when you would compliment his new picture that he posted in inasgram 

PLEASE SUNA IS TOTALLY A PHOTOGRAPHER LIKE HE TAKES PICTURES OF SUNSETS AND STUFF

or when you would offer to bandage him up for him because it’s hard to do it himself and your hand would touch his

dont tell anyone this but suna is very relieved that you and samu weren’t dating

thats all

thats all for now

;)

OOOO kita!!!

okay so kita is the captain, right?

but he doesnt play

like he plays rarely and aran is usually the on-court captain

this causes you and him to be at the sidelines a lot

he would tell you what he thinks would happen next or what the next plan should be and you would provide your own input

in a way, he was the one who really taught you the mechanics of volleyball and he would tell you the different tricks that techniques that the twins came up with 

what makes you really soft and fall for him is when he starts to compliment his players

his pride in aran for being one of the top aces that has led them to nationals

his pride in mimi for being able to go on the longest on court and not be tired

his pride on akagi for being able to receive each ball and successfully give it to their setter

his pride on hitoshi for being the one who could handle the team personality wise and his plans for him to be his successor

his pride on ATSUmu for being the best setter he’s ever seen and his drive to get better no matter what

his pride on samu for being so strong and still getting stronger despite his dream career to be something not volleyball-related

his pride on sunA being motivated enough to help the team and make sure everyone knows that every ball can be stopped

like pls you almost cry all the time when you hear kita saying that because he seems to not say it to the others but only to you

it makes you happy that kita relies so much on these guys as much as they rely on him

OH MY GOSH OMIMI

okay

so omimi ren is a very quiet and calm character

hes kinda like suna where they dont really say much but when they do, its usually important and not irrelevant like atsumu

and he didnt say much when you got inducted in the team as a manager

like he just stared at you and you were just like o.o

ngl he did scare you a bit bc of his tall height looming over you and the way his dark eyes just pierces you through your soul

hes the type that you cannot willingly tell a lie to him bc you know he will find out one way or another

he can see right through you

maybe thats what makes him such a good middle blocker

but you started to warm up to him really quick and he would sometimes walk you home if the others cant mainly bc he knows his appearance will make anyone back off

its the simple things that make you appreciate him

two words: ginjima hitoshi

he is so two-faced

NO LISTEN BEFORE YALL BEAT ME UP JUST HEAR ME OUT

you know how like the 4 second years (PLEASE I KNOW THERES A GUY NAMED YUTO BUT LIKE I DONT KNOW MUCH ABOUT HIM AAAAAA TELL ME IF YOU WANT HIM IN HERE)

like suna, the twins, and hitoshi

the twins are the annoying ones who causes trouble, suna is the one taking pictures and evidence while cheering them on, and hitoshi is the one trying to break it up

BUT

i think that hitoshi is really the worst out of the 4 and he keeps in because who else would be the responsible one of the bunch

hello? they were about to be third years next year like are we really gonna go on with possibly a miya twin or suna being captain?

no

so he tries to force down his inner chaos to take on the role of the responsible one

BUTTTTT

you try to release that inner chaos

you sometimes hear him egging on atsumu under his breath like ‘do it’ but quietly so no one hears him

and youre like

?-?

please? we’re not? supposed? to allow? atsumu? to eat? and swallow? a whole? raw egg?

at first, duh he was also like that with you but you want him to be himself and be comfortable with you so you work hard to make him open up

now

you kinda regret it

because he now wants to go through the mcdonalds drive-thru, with no car, just to get mcflurries

you stared down at hitoshi from your bedroom window with a confused expression

‘but? you dont have a car?’

he grins up at you

‘but i got a CART! they said as long as it’s a car and car is in the word cart and the extra ‘t’ is just a bonus!’

‘hitoshi no-’

AAAAAA MICHIMICHI BABY

so akagi is the libero of the team and he is the one responsible for the make sure the ball doesnt touch the ground type of thing

you get really worried about him bc he does a lot of flying saves and his knees always get roughed up and such

so you try and stitch him up as much as you can like you even send him sites for good warm packs to buy

something that isnt known about akagi is that he, like atsumu, really likes to cook

but more like

he bakes

he bakes as a stress reliever and its like his meditation time

you go over to his house a lot to go bake something w him and share it to the guys later on

during ina get-togethers, him and samu are in charged of the food while youre the sous chef

SPEAKING OF SAMU

we forgot about him for a sec aldfjklkfdjlk 

it was all thanks to him

because of him, you became a manager despite your initial refusal to become one again

you made friends with more people and you were able to have a fun high school life because of it

because of him

osamu does get a little sad or irritated whenever the guys start to hog you up

like he has to push down the tantrum of ‘I SAW HER FIRST!’

he wants to be the better twin lmao

he gets really butthurt when you would go to someone else even during the middle of your conversation

like he would be talking to you on the side but suna calls you over for tape and youre going

he pouts and atsumu teases him about it causing him to bark at him

LOL HE BARKS

okay so training camp

i think therell be an imagine for this so ill try to not make it as detailed

lets just say its a mess

suna really wants to go hiking bc he wants to go the top of the mountain for pictures of the stars and stuff

but atsumu whines of the bugs and possible creatures in there

this causes osamu to tease him and call him a coward and a wimp

and leads to a fight which aran tries to break up but gets sucked in anyways

and omimi just stands by and watches but he intends to intervene if it gets too much

then akagi gets taken by suna to go the hike with him even though hes scared of bugs so hes whimpering and complaining

while kita and hitoshi are off in the kitchen talking about new grains of flour and stuff

where are you?

youre at the lodge, drinking your f/d (favorite drink) and watching all this go down bc at training camp, it’s every man for themselves

there is a lot of bonding times as a team bc these boys may seem like all they think about is volleyball but they like to do something else outside of that

what they love the most is going to the beach

not only do they get to have fun, they get to relax and see you in a swimsuit alkfdjkfj

especially when kita accidentally falls asleep? they bury him with sand and make him look like a mermaid

because they are players who work out so great bodies duh

and they get so much attention for that

but they all mainly pay attention to you and oh my

youve expressed not being comfortable in wearing a swim suit and watch these guys absolutely start throwing compliments at you

but the third years would softly tell you that it’s okay not to wear one bc all that matters is if youre comfortable or not

HELP I WANT AN ARAN AAAAAAAAAAA

OH SO

we know how kita’s family are rice farmers, right?

well

he farms to help his granny and sometimes, youre the only one who’s free enough to go and help him 

so you go over there all the time and granny really loves you bc one, you take care of her shin and thats beyond everything, and two, youre reliable and make shin laugh and such

like one time, you were carrying a basket to the back deck and granny saw you from the kitchen

she smiled before waddling over to the door so she could talk to you

‘y/n-chan!’

you whipped around quickly at the call of your name before grinning and hurrying up to her

‘yes, granny?’

she gave you a bottled water then gestured down to the field where shin was tirelessly tending to the rice

‘please give that to shinsuke. poor boy has been pushing himself too hard with the field and his sport and not taking care of himself’

she chided but there was a certain hint in her tone that made her sound so proud of her grandson

you looked down at the bottle and squeezed it

‘kita-san works hard not for himself, but for everyone else. it makes me sad when he neglects his health and tends to the team instead. so dont worry, baa-chan! i’ll take care of kita-san for him! for you!’

nah bc granny was already gossiping with her neighborhood ladies about this beautiful girl that shin got and how they should be jealous their grandsons don’t have someone like you

OOOOOOO 

since your family owns a cafe, the guys goes there all the time

its kinda like the ramen shop for the seijoh boys

they go there mainly to see you even outside of practice ANDDD

they wanna look good in front of your family

like tsumu suddenly knows cleanliness bc he cleans up the mess on the table or kita is no longer an introvert as hes now talking to your mom about the benefits of rice water and her not needing one bc her hair is already beautiful

PLEASE WHAT

and even during the summer, theyve helped out a lot when it was busy lunch times and you couldnt handle it yourself

GOSH IMAGINE SAMU BEING YOUR MOM’S APPRENTICE AND HANDSOME BOYS TAKING YOUR ORDERS WHILE SOME ARE CARRYING HEAVY TRAYS THAT MAKE THEIR ARMS POP

okay imma stop now

OH DONT GET ME STARTED DURING THE DEFEAT WITH KARASUNO

I DONT CARE YALL CAN HATE ME FOR SAYING THIS BUT KARASUNO SHOULDNT HAVE WON LIKE INARIZAKI WERE LITERALLY THE SECOND PLACE IN NATIONALS AND COMPETED AGAINST I T A C H I Y A M A

LIKE WHAT

OKAY ANYWAYS

everyone was already down and moody bc of the loss

and you wanted to be at the back bc you didnt know how to handle the situation

in your time as their manager, not once have you seen them lose

during those 10 months of being a manager, you have not once seen them be defeated during a game even with practice matches

then with those nobodies?

karasuno?

last time you checked, karasuno went down under when coach ukai retired

so having them lose was a real shock

and a really bad event

there was a certain air around you all during the bus ride to the hotel which made the entire time very uncomfortable

everyone finished their crying either in the locker rooms or the bathroom so all that was left was their red eyes

the coach sent everyone off to bed and although they were allowed more days to stay, they all collectively chose to just go home and keep those excused days as a rest day

‘we all would like to just stay at home and recharge’

kita’s request was everyone else’s, even yours, as you were both worried and tired for the boys

so that night, the coaches were able to book train tickets for everyone the next day back home

you stayed up, watching tv in your own room out of boredom because the group chat was quiet and you were too tired to do anything else

the next day, everyone 

osamu claimed your shoulder and he held your hand tight with his

his breathing was ragged and even with his closed eyes, the redness around them made it obvious he had been crying

the bus that was filled with excitement before, became quiet and the sound of the engine and wheels took over the silence

you thought samu had fallen asleep so you raised your free hand to stroke his hair

‘hey y/n?’

you flinched at the surprise but hummed 

‘imma tell him today. later, but today’

his voice was low and he was murmuring to hint that this was the extra sensitive topic you both discussed a few days ago at the cafe

you nodded but made sure he knew that no matter, he still got you

the coaches were upset and mad at the loss

but in the end, they all realized that this was the last game the boys would play as a team

sure, they could have practice matches and they could play again together in the future but nothing would change the atmosphere and feeling of playing the important matches 

this was the team that brought them closest to nationals with placing second out of the entire country

they were a good team that somehow got defeated

but the coaches were still proud

they didnt even yell at the boys to take laps and instead brought them into a team meeting

you stood beside the coaches, your own sniffles with everyone else, and listened to them talk

‘-year has been the most productive this school’s team has had in decades. i hope you all are proud of yourselves as we are proud of you. you lost so you are no longer in the competition and we talk about it tomorrow. but for now, go home and take a rest because tomorrow, we will be running laps and drills and miss y/n will be timing you until you pass out from exhaustion’

you blankly looked at the coaches bc you thought this would be a heartwarming talk but quickly turned into a threat

‘but thats for tomorrow. so go home and rest up. expect what is to come’

you were just wanting to leave lmao

like you wanted to hurry home and make something for the guys to eat tomorrow

just do something to make them at least smile

the guys were quietly packing up and you watched them with trembling eyes at their dismissal

you wanted them to stay longer

stay here and laugh and mess around

like tsumu poking kita and pretending he didnt

or mimi talking about something and aran staring blankly at him but he’s really sleeping with his eyes open and startling him awake

‘guys!’

you shouted

they all stopped and turned to look at you

‘hm?’

hitoshi asked

you hurriedly looked around to find something to stall them here and you noticed the cherry blossom tree that’s blooming 

must be the time of the year

‘l-lets! have a-take a picture! outside! by the tree!’

you pointed and they looked at each other

you were acting strangely

but they were simps for you so they just nodded and went outside

they didnt even complain and went to stand out in front of the tree

you had your phone and pulled it to the camera app to raise it to get the team in the frame

they looked sad and tired and worn out but they were still trying to joke around and have natural smiles

‘closer, you guys! bunch in closer!’

you motioned with one hand but they stopped

‘um? y/n? aren’t you gonna join us?’

ren asked but you shook your head

‘its? for you guys? besides, no one will take it for us, silly’

the boys insisted on you prop it up on a bench over there because they wanted you there with them

‘hey, come here! lets all be in it!’

aran shouted and you had no choice but to follow them

the boys had to stand closer to the camera as the bench was a ways ahead of the tree but dont worry, the tree is still there

they wanted you in the front bc they were all taller than you but they really wanted to showcase you

you were their manager and the person who took care of them

they treasure you so much

‘smile!!!’

someone shouted and the timer hit zero and the picture was taken

sure, their school’s motto was that they didnt need things like memories

to not have anything tying you down to the past and to challenge yourself with everyone focusing on the future ahead

in years from now, you could just be another thing from their past and nothing else

but they would be damned if that happened

any fragment of you to remind them of the best time of their youth and the person who loved them more than anyone else did

so yea, sure they wanted to represent their school’s motto

but this time

they can make an exception

a/n: HII!!!! IM BACK AND SUDDENLY IM ABLE TO WRITE AND FINISH THIS I SWEAR I CANT BELIEVE IT TOOK ME THIS LONG TO PUBLISH THIS I CANT WITH THIS YALL IM LOWKEY DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF AND IM ASHAMED IM SO SORRY