#im like maybe it wasnt that bad i got upset sometimes too

[scarecrowgolem]

Keep remembering shit from my last relationship man that sucked

[phagodyke]

ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.

[devotion-disorder]

it ok yall i caved and bought the game moments after i made my last post and im living out my blissful love life now

this screenshot out of context is taking me out lol hes like you are.🫵 dumbass?😄 you🫵 illiterate🫵😄

Ive got through most of the game and boy i have some THOUGHTS... spoilers under the cut!!

I didn't expect to like the game so much cause im not actually that much of a horror fan (<- squeamish) , and like i said in the last post I wasn't sure how fun a game all about decrypting the dialogue will be (<- dumbass). But in the end I think the game mechanics is exactly the source of all the charm!! And come to think of it, it's a very unique mechanic too. The word-guessing makes the game exciting and scary (and sometimes is the key to avoiding certain death), but there's also just something about overcoming "broken" language to express your thoughts that is inherently really sweet to me. Maybe this is a wild comparison but its like that greentext thats like "bad times friend ahead...i go away but we are two of soul, i will return".

The game is also just pretty player-friendly, and the characters are all (well, mostly) really chill, so it wasnt very hard to guess most of the words too. But i will say that sometimes, you can kind of tell the nuance of the language-translation makes more sense as Japanese, so maybe that gave me a slight edge.

After playing the demo I thought this would be a really short game (like around 2-3 hrs), but I clocked in a solid 6 hours today LOL...and im still missing a few endings. Big spoiler but when MC "kills" Mr. crawling it genuinely upset me like GIRL WHAT IN THE FRESH HELL..........😭😭😭 but thank god he was fine :DD the scene where he shut himself in a closet crying because he thought the MC abandoned him 😭😭😭😭 IM SORRYYY but also like omg...😭😭😭😭 he ouppy............😭😭😭😭

ouppy 🥹🥹🥹🥹🫳🫳🫳🫳🫳👐👐👐👐😭😭😭😭😭😭

But in contrast to those heavy moments there are also points where i think the game doesn't take itself very seriously LOL so by like 3 hours in it just kind of became a really chill game :)) I love how the MC is just so ridiculously forward being like "Do you have a crush on me or something 🥺👉👈" and most of them were just like "whats that lmfao"

[thatneoncrisis]

oh captain my captain, I've read maybe ten TLT fics in all my time here so I'm not necessarily familiar with the common fandom takes. If you haven't already, would you mind elaborating on them? I'd like to know more about the history that prompted you to write your latest fic. please and thank you, I'm still reeling from the update today and I think I need to hear like. all of your thoughts ever about writing it

GUH. christ. idk its like a lot of things, its a year and a half of fucking around on ao3 and getting annoyed in a way i am only susceptible to because im fucking Online. if i get too specific it starts calling people out by name which i want to avoid so keeping it super broad:

the way gideon is written wrt being a trans butch of color

connected to that point like, the insane amount of rizz she has. god its so funny. to me

the way fics have like an interesting premise but run at a breakneck pace to get to the kissing and then it just ends. nooo the world was so cool go back nooooooo

how a lot of stories do this thing where they want ianthe to be a shitty ex girlfriend/half hearted love interest but they cant commit to her being genuinely awful or treat her like a person with feelings so it accidentally reads like her worst crime was being uncommunicative and bad at sex and unfunny, because the audience is already primed to hate her so were just like yeah this tracks

the sixth mommying harrow to an unbearable degree, like they treat her the way they treated nona in canon, this also extends to them wingmanning her

the like. paradox of wanting genuine conflict between harrow and gideon but also retaining their close banter. this is a hard thing to do if theyre like MEETING in a fic for the first time. theres rarely a reason for them to hate each other with such intensity and thus it fizzles out like immediately. i didnt even really bother with this i just did an immediate inexplicable closeness that is then undercut when harrow snaps out of it by going back to how she generally is

wrt harrows relationship with her faith this is less something im upset about and more something i rarely seen done in a way that interests me as an individual. shes catholic Ish, it doesnt really matter re her day to day outside of her childhood or maybe her job, she might pray sometimes or allude to long since conquered internalized homophobia

and in a similar vein like the very. Correct way people talk. its all very precise terminology to describe their sexuality or gender or a diagnosis they got and are actively working on. nobody is a faggot or transsexual or a girlboy or a thing they dont have a word for but know exists

again im saying this as often as i can. if youve done any of this cool. genuinely. keep doing it i cant stop you. its more about how often i see it just compound in on itself over and over, its the vast majority of fics that do at least one of these things. its a personal problem about wanting more from something that doesnt want to be more, and i cant make it more, because its not mine and wasnt made for me

[pizzapizzadickz]

..

.

[hypersonic04]

i wasnt the person to request angst but i had a teacher!ross angst/fluff idea — it's matter of whether or not i can explain it well enough 💀

ngl it's probably more fluff than angst but anyways... i'm thinking you had quite a difficult time in secondary school with boys + romance specifically, maybe trusting the wrong people and being at the butt end of teenage stupidity (been there ✊😔). usually you can look past this when you're doing your job, you love the kids and you love teaching, but sometimes the school setting and the air of romance between you and ross (im thinking this is pre-relationship, yearning/hard crushing kinda thing), whilst wholesome and precious, also fills you with unwanted dread and anxiety. it's the visual and energetic combination of romance and school that trigger that feeling, i suppose. i think you're scared of repeating past mistakes, being hurt again, despite the idea of teenage heartbreak being impossible at this point. could you fashion something up? maybe ross realises something is up and comforts you about it, what would he do or say etc. or maybe, to dial up the angst, you distance yourself from him a bit, upsetting him, a lot of tension and whatnot, but then you confront these feelings and bad memories together, remake new, better ones — it's your call, i don't mind the direction you take this. either way, this would be very healing for me icl. ANYWAYS LOVE YOU, YOU'RE MY FAV PERSON ON HERE XOXO

I totally get what you mean.

I think you were quiet at school, so when you went to uni and got your first boyfriend, you were a bit naive, and the heartbreak hit you hard (speaking from experience? me? never.). Anyways, like you said, the whole ‘having a crush at work/school’ thing puts you very on edge, and you can’t help but feel negative about it sometimes.

One specific scenario comes to mind. You and Ross had spent the morning together, both of you having free periods, so you go to the school library and find some materials and books for your lessons. It’s very cute, very flirty - he shows you one book in particular, your heads very close together, and then him walking you back to your classroom after. You’re sat in your classroom that afternoon, feeling a bit like a teenager with a crush (which alone gives you a bit of anxiety), but you’re pulled out of the lovesick bubble by the sound of laughter from the hallway. Like the blurb from the other night where new guy was flirting with you, I think it’s the other way around this time - one of your colleagues is just a bit too friendly with Ross, always bringing him up in conversations and making a beeline for him whenever she can. You poke your head out of your classroom to see them both stood together - her manicured hand is on his arm, and she’s looking up at him exactly the same way you look at him, her blue eyes sparkly and blonde hair flicked over one shoulder. He’s looking at her with a grin, nodding along as she tells him something. You swallow heavily and immediately retreat back to your classroom, clearing your throat and attempting to get back to teaching. You feel so silly. It’s just like uni all over again - feeling naive and thinking that someone like Ross could ever possibly be interested in you. Anxiety surges your chest as you wonder whether he thinks you’re silly, whether he thinks you’re throwing yourself at him (of course he doesn’t, this is you we’re talking about. He thinks you’re incredible, you could say anything and he’d take it as gospel.). You’re sat at your desk, eyes stinging a little and feeling really disappointed. You’re scared that you were wrong about everything.

I definitely think Ross notices when you start distancing yourself from him. You pass each other in the hallway later that day, and rather than giving him the warm smile you normally give him, you just kind of purse your lips and make your way past him hastily. He finds it strange, but puts it down to you being tired, maybe? The days pass, and you’ve declined lunch with him, as well as a lift home, so he’s starting to get a bit concerned now. Obviously, he was super jealous when new guy was flirting with you a few weeks ago, so he’s worried that maybe it’s that again. You’re both crushing on each other so hard, and you’re both so worried that things aren’t going to work out for the two of you, that you end up miscommunicating. He’s distanced from you, you’re assuming that he’s seeing blondie, and you’re both in a bit of a state lol.

I think there’s an evening maybe a week later or so when it’s the two of you left in the building. You’re like ‘oh, sorry, I didn’t realise anyone else was still here.’, smiling at him and averting your eyes from him as you stand in the staff room, washing your mug in the sink. It’s a bit awkward between the two of you as he stands there, hands in his pockets, unable to take his eyes off you for some reason. ‘How’ve you been?’ he asks, clearing his throat. You look at him a bit surprised, realising it’s actually been over a week since you’ve properly spoken - ‘uh, yeah, I’m okay. how’re you?’ - and he says he’s been alright too. You’re liars, both of you. A conversation comes up where she’s mentioned, maybe a staff night out or something, and you’re like ‘yeah, she said you’d be going together, or something.’, feeling a lump in your throat as the words leave your mouth. He frowns immediately, shaking his head a little - ‘uh, no. I don’t think so. I’m not sure why she said that, we’ve not really spoken about it.’. You can’t look at him because you’re just so sad about the whole thing. His heart breaks when the cogs start turning in his mind, piecing it all together.

“We’re not a thing, you know?”

He kind of just says it. He knows it’s a bit of a big thing to say, assuming that you’d care, but the relief that visibly washes over your face makes his stomach flutter. He knows you’re not with new guy (because he outright asked him earlier, it was killing him), so he wonders whether maybe this is a bit of understanding between you both.

“Oh, yeah, I mean-“ you stutter a bit. It’s silent between the two of you until he suggests that you go together (cue Christmas part blurb, one of my favourites, here!), and you cannot fight the smile on your face.

[calkale]

Okay dead reckoning spoilers ahead ill put a cut just in case also if you like the movie maybe don’t read either 👀😬 but if you do please read the whole thing or at least the last paragraph because that in my opinion is the most important thing i have to say

Before i say anything i know im in the wrong here, i have a really personal issue with the movie that i dont feel comfortable sharing but its one of the names used A LOT in the movie, so that definitely plays a part in my opinion whether i like it or not. That being said, usually i can ignore stuff like that, ive done it with other movies but there was nothing else to grasp my attention so i got stuck on things like that.

Also wanna say this first because i feel like it explains why i hate a lot of the things i do. I could really be reaching here but i think they’re trying to set up hayley as the new face of these movies and dead reckoning part 2 is gonna be the end for tom. She was the main character, Ethan was not. She was a part of 2 stunts out of the 3 big ones in the movie and Toms solo stunt (the cliff jump) was maybe a minute of the movie and correct me if im wrong but thats never happened before, Toms always had a big stunt thats just him that takes up a good, MEMORABLE, chunk of the movie, and that just wasnt in this.

I didn’t like it at all. Up until the airport i loved the movie, i really liked the way it was shot, i liked the mi1 callbacks, i really liked ethan and ilsa and everything was good, i could ignore the AI plot (which i knew i wasnt gonna like going into it i hate AI villains) and just watch the movie but after the airport i started to not like the movie anymore. During the fiat car chase i realized i was gonna really not gonna like the movie. That was one of the three big stunts of the movie and i hated it, it just felt really rushed and there were so many characters who i didnt know and didnt know why they were there, WHICH IS OKAY i love not knowing things thats part of my brand im all about that but it just did not work here, sometimes not knowing anything about character works and other times it doesnt.

I dont remember a lot from the middle chunk of the movie, i wasnt enjoying it but trust me i was trying. Not even benji and luther made the movie enjoyable and to top it all off ilsa died and im getting mad again but that was one of the worst deaths i think ive seen. If shes not actually dead then thank god but also im sorry mcq but awful writing unless something got cut because she was free? She was dead? There was no bounty on her head anymore, that was why she “died” at the start of the movie and correct me if im wrong but she really didnt need to be in Venice with her face showing either. It really feels like she just died so hayley could be in the spotlight with ethan and there were too many characters so they had to get rid of her along with benji and luther who arent dead but may as well be with their 10 minutes of screen time.

But all of this i can look past, i dont like the plot? whatever, thats not why i, personally, watch mission impossible movies, i watch for the stunts, i wanna see tom cruise do some crazy shit but i didnt even get that. Im really mad about the lack of stunts in this movie i feel insane idk if anyone else is complaining about this but i didnt like a single one of them. Im so let down and i hate that im so upset over something like this but i am. Thats the promise thats being made when you go see these movies and in my opinion they didn’t deliver. All the fighting was really good i loved the fight in that tight alleyway with ethan and paris but i hated the car chase, the cliff jump could’ve been better? i dont even know what to say about that one tbh, and the train, ohhhhhh the train, i dont even wanna talk about the train, i was trying so hard to like it i wanted it to redeem the whole movie for me but it just didnt, i feel so bad but it didnt and im so disappointed.

[pretty-demiboy]

TW: Sort-Of Transphobia

this is a lot less light-hearted than my usual posts but i needa vent somewhere and my other blog is more bleh sooo...

idk, i was jst thinking bout terfs, transphobes and my mother today as well as jst a lot in general cause my mum and i have been having... well, not rlly conversations, more like her saying 'oh ur my daughter, always have been' and me being too scared of conflict to disagree with her. she knows what i am and all, like im out, but yk how it is with parents. they are passive-aggressive, love the old u too much and can think of rlly gaslight-y/guilt-trippy arguments. today she sent me a ss of an article explaining the origin of my deadname and sorta hyped it up with a caption along the lines of 'love u my little shapeshifter' (for context my deadname is a goddess who shapeshifts which like BADASS but also yk) and ik its like i shouldnt even be complaining about it cause she's not abusive and loves me and all but like... idk. it felt bad. she's more accepting than my dad but still yk having a transgender child is hard. she doesnt want her baby girl to rlly be a boy, and she's a non-aggressive terf and shit. idek if ill be demi for the rest of my life, its prolly jst a phase and shit cause i dont get much dysphoria but its still pretty upsetting in a way. i mean, i got into an argument w/ my sis abt micro-aggressions and whether or not they're harmful and i didnt explain it vry well (my sis is also openly transphobic despite being bi) and like it started when i tried to tell my lil bro not to say smt abt women, idk it was like stereo-typing or smt like that but he's only seven and i wanna help him grow up to be accepting unlike the kids in my school, but my sis... well. yk. and it sucked that i couldnt put into words how harmful micro-aggressions are without her making me feel fking sensitive or smt, and it sucked when my mam and stepdad acted like i was making a fuss over nothing, when its not nothing, its my whole fucking life. but my sis acts like im being a child cause yk, transphobic, like our dad, so. idk, its jst rlly fking shitty. i thought i was accepting of my identity but ppl keep making me second guess myself and my beliefs concerning basic human rights. it sucks so much. i shouldnt feel afraid of even expressing my opinion that trans women arent predators, or feel scared to tell my mam that atm i am a boy (technically i am, i think she'd have a stroke if i tried to explain what demi is xD) despite her being prolly the most supportive person in my close family. ppl shouldnt have to feel this way abt literally the most basic part of their identity. its jst not fair, and it sucks. idw feel like idw be queer, cause being queer is beautiful and the community is amazing, but sometimes i jst get so fking tired, and thats w/ me being in a lot more accepting family and community than most ppl. if i wasnt demi & biromantic i wouldnt be me, and i know that for sure, but sometimes i cant help but think of how easy it would b to jst be cishet, at least for shit like this. its pride month and i cant even b proud of who i am rn. its easy when im w/ my friends or watching an ot/click/jamie vid, but when im alone or w/ my family i jst... i hate it sm. if i wasnt queer, maybe a lot of my problems wld go away. if i wasnt queer, maybe id feel accepted at school and w/ family. if i wasnt queer, maybe id love myself a little bit more.

idk, its jst fking hard, especially when ppl say the lgbtqia+ community is like being unreasonable or dramatic or some bullshit like that, when they dont have to feel everything that we feel on a daily fucking basis. ive been so lucky with me being bi (practically everyone in my family is accepting of lgb) its jst my gender and asexuality thats causing problems, and if i cant even handle a little bit of discrimination that isnt even real discrimination, i cant imagine what its like for ppl in aggresively homophobic and transphobic environments. it makes me want to kms and hms when i think of all the ppl getting treated less than human or sinners or anything like that jst cause they arent smt that they are supposedly born to be... god, fking terfs and bigots make me sick, man. even the gaslighting and micro-aggressions are jst so disgusting. im so sorry to everyone dealing with discrimination. i wish i could help u somehow. i wld do anything to make this shit stop. jst know that i and others in our community love you so much even if atm it seems like no one else does.

[freeshephoun]

please please please tell your adrian headcanons im so curious!!!!! and also maybe gordon and barney if you like :]

oh boy this is gonna be a lot. apologies for any misstypes in advance!!

click to read my thoughts on the 3

okay ffirst off shephard! shes tfem which is why i will be using she/her for her. also ahes filipino-american. shephard is autistic and mute and struggles to understand the people around her sometimes. it makes her upset when she doesnt.

its a reason why she is better with aliens. they dont work like humans do and it is easier for her to connect with them even when they dont speak the same language. and the bond she has especially with spore launcher is indescribable.

spore launcher (or spore for short) is a creature she found in the black mesa facility. its an alien that, when you feed it something, it can spit it out and it works basically like a grenade launcher. at first shephard had no idea what to do with that thing. he gave it a little pat on the head and it chirped and since then theyve been best friends. you can not tear them apart.

shephard has a lot of little cat scrstches feom spores spikey exterior aswell as some acid burns here and there. it comes free with having an alien friend/pet.

Shephard also managed to get spore into stasis. everything else was taken but she could keep spore. also coming to stasis ive got some thoughts on it.

while gordon was basically in a coma in stasis, Shephard wasnt. she didnt even have a choice what to do. she was just taken and detained. and since she was detained, gman didnt put her to sleep. shephard has been in that osprey for all this time. awake. if it werent for spore she would've probably gone insane.

being in stasis also fucked up her feeling of like everything. ypu dont get tired, exhausted, hungry or thirsty. you cant even feel pain or die.

(cw sensitive topic, bit similar to sh) in an attempt to feel anything she sometimes did some stupid shit. mostly punching or slamming her body against walls or purposefully touching spores acid. that reeeeally fucked up her perception of pain and her tolerance and it still shows afterwards. (cw end)

outside of stasis she still struggles with the perception of pain. it is pretty dangerous and she basically relies on gordon or barney to tell her hey you got fucked up bad we should get you first aid.

and sometimes when she sees it she spirals down into this specific feeling where everything feels like stasis again. when was the last time she ate? why does it feel so alone again why is it so quiet? why is akl she can hear her own mind?

shes going thru it🔥🔥

jumping a bit shephard doesnt like physical touch. shes very sensitive to it and gets overwhelemed by too much physical touch. her lovd languages are acts of service. she isnt good at comforting someone or showing her care for someone so openly. its more that she guards you when around you. makes sure youre safe. you need a moment of alone time? she will make sure no one bothers you.

my friend wrote a scene that describes it perfectly so ill quote it: "In the distance, the parade could be heard. At the entrance of the alleyway, Shephard seemed to stand guard, occasionally looking back at them as the parade passed by."

for tthe other 2 and their love languages: barney is the physical affection guy. giving and receiving. hes also good at comforting people just by being there. gordon on the other hand is good with giving words of affirmation. its his love language. and on the receiving is quality time (shephard too i forgot to mention)

they are very dear 2 me.

also their fighting styles. ive thought of it before and how it differs. gordon thinks, finds an answer that works and then executes it. shephard thinks a little but she mostly just acts on instinct. and barney? hes jus tlike yeah no thinking is for nerds watch me solo this guy. hes silly like that

my friend (again) made smthg that portrays this very well: "Gordon would calculate the triangulation before he threw a grenade over a wall. Shephard would stand on a box so she could throw it over the wall without hassle. Barney would just lob it and pray"

gordon is a very sarcastic man. barney understands his saecasm oerfectly but shephard struggles to do so which is why gordon avoids sarcasm around her.

shep and barney on occasions have their 5 minutes. kind of like zoomies. it usually ends in chaos because they tried something stupid again. which is why gordon rarely allows them in his lab. actually never. but barney will still come down when it gets late and gordon hasnt even been up to eat something and basically force gordon to stop for the day.

how? he just scoops gordon up and carries him out. batney is a security guard who survived the resonance cascade, the 7 hour war, manages to get through as underciver civil service despite the hard security measures of fhe combine aswell as fighting agains the combine and staying alive for all these years. that man is strong.

he wwouldnt mamage to carry both gordon and shephard though. thats what shep does. she carries them both with one arm.

this also reminds me shephard needs a routine. she can not do without one. you will see her follow the military training camp routine eeveryday. if she doesnt do it it messes up her whole day.

also wwhile i will draw them a lot probably in their hl clothes and not hl2 clothes, if thes would have ever met its definitely in hl2 or after. i jsut dont like drawing barneys combine outfit thats why.

Shephard was thrown into the hl2 universe by gman. maybe ill even incorporate return 2 ravenholm im this if i ever elaborate on that more. she builds up her own wa yof living there. the camera drones dont manage ti actually detect her due to her gas mask. they detect humans by having a face and if they don't? thats not a human then. she doesnt know that though.

she made herself st home in an outpost outside of city 17. it used to belong to the residtance but got raided by thr combine and has since then become abandoned. at ome point shephard manages to boot up the equipment there. she gains access to a lot of old information that was stored in this outpost.

the resistance of cours enotices shit wait an old outpost was activated again whats going on there. they send a group of people to investigate but urrm uh yeah didnt work out. shephard had a little ace up her sleeve (spore and her acid). but eith that they hope to confirm it is at least not the combine because they have never used that alien species as it completely ceased to exist after the black mesa incident.

im not too sure abt thid though the way this goes might change very well depending om what i feel like.

anyway uuh sheohard goes into the city to restock some supplies. she has some good connections at this point and has heard from the resistance. and well when she goes there to restock she meets barney.

this is btw like a place where they help out citizens who are struggling, often wanted by the combine. they live off donations, mostly coming from the resistance themself.

when barney sees shephard, this guy in a fucking military uniform hes just like. boy you coming with me now. and drags her to the resistance thingy there.

or something like that. not too sure about that at all. again might change however i feel like it

also i definetly forgot a ton of things but ive been writing this for 1 1/2 hours now. if you want to know more about specific things feel free 2 aks i LOVE sharing my freeshephoun thoughts with people

also as a treat here i drew them as the power piff girls once

[traumatizeddfox]

hi! so i was wondering a couple of trauma-related things.

tws for: bullying, dissociation, educational trauma, medical trauma, burnout, self-esteem issues, self-harm/suicidal ideation, long ask (i don't know the importance of these so i'm listing them just in case)

so i've had some things happening to me recently, and in total, and i was wondering about what your perception of them might be, just because i'd like outside perspective.

cyber-bullying: when i was younger, during the pandemic, i was still in school. i played minecraft with my friends a lot on a server. one of the guys on the server, let's call him v, joined after the rest of us. i wasn't very good at minecraft, and as the only girl i was sometimes teased. after v joined he started doing things that were upsetting and i told him not to. for instance, he'd lure me to "help him with mining", then kill my character and make me lose progress. he'd chase me around and hit me with swords (in game). the worst experience i had with him was when he trapped my character in a room i couldn't escape, and just hit me over and over and didn't let me leave. when i brought it up to the server moderator he was reluctant to do anything, and the other guys there weren't very supportive. eventually, i got my parents to intervene, and i don't play minecraft with v (or on servers in general) anymore. my question: was this cyberbullying? am i right to still be sensitive about it?

medical trauma: i was diagnosed with a type of chronic headaches about a year and a half ago. every day, all day, my head would hurt. eventually, i got treatment, by process of routine procedures and an eventual semi-surgery/procedure requiring anesthesia. however, i sometimes/often get headaches nowadays, and i have a tendency to think my head hurts a lot. my question: would this be a trauma response to my previous headaches (ie, misconstruing/exaggerating/overreacting to small headaches)?

education trauma/dissociation/burnout: i am currently in high school, which i am having an awful time with. i used to have fun in school, and i like learning, but my highschool is very large. i have asd and issues with executive dysfunction, so i'm tired all the time after socializing at school. i have trouble focusing, and often feel very bad about not getting homework done. i am currently in a constant state of exhaustion, feeling like crying all the time. i've also noticed recently that when i'm at school i kind of check out, just stop being in myself per se, try to do something like reading that takes me away, and am sort of in a fugue state. my question: does this seem like dissociation? do you have suggestions for me to fix it?

self-esteem issues: i have issues with self-esteem where i have excessive guilt and respond to any criticism with self-hatred and beating myself up. there's a little voice in my head that tells me i'm awful, i have guilt attacks where i feel like stabbing or cutting myself. my question: do these things seem like they could be a symptom of trauma, or more of just rsd or something else?

thanks so much for consideration :) sorry the ask is so long

-anon ida

Hi Ida! Ill try to answer as best as I can but just remember I am not a mental health professional!

Cyberbully: I would def consider it cyber bullying, mainly because he was taunting you and just personally harassing you. even if its in-game, its still really annoying to have someone constantly chase after you, kill your character and lose progress, to me thats harassment.

Medical trauma: Im not very experienced in medical trauma, but I did get severe neck pain back in 2019/2020 and the pain was horrendous, i wasnt able to do anything, and when i get pain in my neck i get super anxious. It might not be medical trauma towards ur headaches, but it could be a panic disorder, like maybe you're in fear of the pain?

education trauma/dissociation/burnout: this one im not too sure, to me it sounds more like burn out, it could be a bunch of things honestly! it could be burn out, it could lack of vitamins, it could be a list of things

self esteem issues: i have similar issues, I think the same things about myself. I cant say for certain if it's trauma, if it's thing youve heard others say to you, it could be a series of things. it could be social anxiety, it could be depression, etc.

It's definitely best to get a professional psychologist, therapist, doctor, etc to give you proper advice and information! It's a little hard for me to answer since I don't know you personally and I also am not a trained mental health professional but thank you for the ask and I hope things turn around for you!

[hskinhome]

HAII

Its that Meenah Lalonde again!! Wanted 2 do a canon call if dats ok?

Im looking for anyone! Id especially like to talk to Jane, Jake and Dirk tho!!

Ok explaning time >::D

Im from a tl where me and Roxy's meteors hit into eachother and swapped courses somehow (ig for my tl instead of going directly to our planet we got megaminded lmao??)

So i ended up on Future earth and took roxy's place!! I remember naming myself meenah because it kinda just?? Popped into my head?? I went by/go by Mox/Moxy/Moxxie or sometimes Mimi/Meemee too though

Most of my session went the same as homestuck after the weird stuff john did, and I remembered going to earth c actually! But yknow, not Rox which i think was thr only different? Im pretty simular to roxy so ig that helped

I told dirk i was a troll after a WHILE of us knowing eachother but he knew before the game, jane and jake didnt and jane kinda was weird abt it but she eventually warmed up to it ig! Jake had a little while of being uncomfy around me too but he eventually just kinda figured i was technically the same mimi he knew so he didnt care after a while

Me and Rose had a good relationship, i remember that she kinda accepted me as family even if she was a bit disappointed I wasn't rlly Roxy, it was nice!!

Dave was more conflicted then rose, he was upset that i wasnt roxy but slowly kinda accepted it? We also were like family and he did sometimes call me mom hehe

I dont know what happened to Roxy but the troll session for the alpha trolls ended up with a different fuschia blooded troll!! I dont remember their name but i dont think they were a peixes

Anyways thats all of the things i can think of that might be important (and maybe some rambling, im making this super late so it might be bad)

My @ is @tipsyfisher!

Go message them if this sounds familiar!

-Mod Nepeta

[penguin--person]

Solstice (srs/lttm from rain world)?

im so fucking normal about them you have no idea im so fucking normal im so normal you have to believe me i swear im normal i fuckings wear man im normal im so fucking normal

going along with the popular 'suns is treated like a god in their colony' headcannon, i dont think suns liked being worshiped - but, i do think he misses it. he knows it wasnt healthy, but he still does. this isnt me saying he wants moon to worship him, No, he Doesn't . and i mean that. slash serious. in my headcanon, moon's colony was religious too, but unlike suns' 'we can indulge in wordly pleasures as long as suns is ok with it and as long as its for him', there were more monks there. didn't starve themseleves, no, but. they did deprive themselves of lifes joys n shit . like the typical ancient. so. nothing irregular.

i think they'd date before the events of the main game

they meet through pebbles, maybe. suns mentions talking to pebbles not long after he was activated in one of the broadcasts in spearmasters campaign. maybe when pebbles talked about moon, how he wanted to be independent n all that, he went and spoke to moon herself.

and! while he understood pebbles' frustration. i think. m. he foud moon's kindness comforting. sweet lady. i headcanon them to be somewhat of a group senior, too, though maybe like.. not the oldest. moon gen1, suns gen2, smth. so. i think he'd find her comforting. and. he'd keep talking to her.

he'd maybe mention it once to pebbles, but wouldn't mention how their friendship is turning into a romantic one !! though like. qpr. ive got so many thoughts on how iterators perceive relationships you dont even know... like, i think the lines are blurry for them, what is platonic and what romantic. so i think it's not comparable to any relationship any human being has had.. though, maybe.. in the neolithic age n shit.. broken femur... "life is cruel but i'll stand by you and love you even when you're doing bad" n shit. whateverrr no one look at me. though efel free to ask me about my thoughts on the iterator relationships:3

so !! so . i think. moon would find him silly. she'd be happy pebbles has someone as kind as him as a friend, tutor.. . she'd see that suns is hurt, that they're depressed, don't see much point in trying to find the solution, but still try, because, what else is there to do? i think she'D try to help them see the joy in life. and maybe she'd succeed a bit. but, you can't drag a person out of depression on your own, ya know? not to say moon doesn't have her own problems - she also defineely has some kind of depression, i'd bet all iterators do, even if they don't know it. they've got mental illnesses we can't even fahtom.

so !! m. i also think they'd just be silly. moon would give a lot to the relationship, but, she's bad at setting boundaries, yea? like. take the whole pebbles thing as an example. she didn't force communicattions until she absolutely had to . i think she lets a lot of things slide, but, she's not oblivious! she just. i dont knowww i dont wanna mischaracterize her. shes not stupid. shes not dumb. she tells suns if he goes too far. but i dont think she's mean about it. moon never kills the slugcat. i don't think she'd ever really get angry with him - upset, yes, but she understands what he's going through.. and, as group seniour, even though they're not in the same group (but considers him part), wants to help him get better.

i don't think it'd be interely healthy, but, it'd be interesting! like. like. when you're climbing out of depression, you sometimes latch onto something that brings you joy soo much that you don't even care about the side effects. like. you don't fcare if you're depriving yourself of sustance, you don't care if you're harming yourself or the thing, or if the thing is harming you, you don't care if its unhealthy. it brings you joy! and joy is so hard to come by. for me, at least. this is filled with so much projection and self indulgence if u couldnt tell lol

but. they do love each other! they care for each other!! suns isnt using her, and moon isnt stupid and ignoring his faulst ! she knows they are there! but she trusts he'll get better. and suns hopes he will, too.

he'd help moon, too. he'd listen to her frustrations, encourage her to share her feelings. and she would. i dont think suns would know how to help her, really, but he'd listen - and sometimes, even that is rlly helpful.

he sends spearmaster to her, one cycle, with a pearl. an engagement:) old ancient way, exchanging jewelry.

he feels even shittier when the main events of the game happen. because. they weren't publically engaged/married/dating/qpr/whatever the fuck theyve got going on. so he can't. talk about it that much. he does tell nsh eventually n they're like, "why didnt you tell us. like literally its fine. i get pebbles would be upset, but, its fine" . and. m. so. relationships were tabboo in ancient culture, yes? ties you down to the cycle, turns you into an echo and shit. karma three, family and friendship. moon wouldn't be as aprehensive - she knows the local group wouldn't shun them, or at least would come around eventually. but she respects suns' boundary !! i think. he'd be scared. that the ancients would be disapointed in him or something. that iterators would shun and hate him.

i can't explain more of that without evolving this into a longer rant than it already is. so i wont. but feel free to send more asks:3

[climaxbattles]

vent dont read (unless the curiousity consumes you i guess. if you know me personally it might suck)

i havent been able to leave the house since may and it seems like every day i get worse and worse

i just cant deal with anything i dont know why

i dont go outside, i cant be alone, i cant even eat too fast/slow or i just like completely freak out

i started therapy and this is the first time ive ever been hopeful about interacting with a therapist but i still kind of dread it every week. im not even sure its helping like maybe shorter sessions would be better but i use so much energy just getting through the day i cant communicate until its too late

i dont even understand what made this happen my only guess is that one of the medications i tried really messed me up (or i have a brain tumor or thyroid problem or something) because a few of them had really really terrible side effects and i almost had to go back to the hospital for the 3rd time in a year, but i dont get why im not getting better when i dont do anything and im not on those meds anymore.

and if it is physical i cant leave the house without panicking like. i dont know how else i would go anywhere to get it checked out unless it got so bad i had to call an ambulance again so they could lie me down and give me oxygen and turn all the lights off and hold my hand again but that also was like very traumatic so im afraid i would just completely break

my friend is over visiting and i havent seen her in forever bc she moved 4 hours away and i cant even bring myself to hang out with her because she brought her boyfriend and i already have problems talking to anyone but her even though i fucking live with her family and leech off them. so im just hiding in my room

i dont really talk to anyone much anymore and i dont even know if its Because i want to be left alone or if its something making me lonely/im upset about. it also kind of seems like people r moving on from me but that could be like entirely self inflicted bc one on one conversation terrified me even before and now i like have panic attacks if a breathe wrong let alone attempt something thats always scared me

i think like some of them maybe also have a seperate discord server i wasnt invited to. this happened literally months ago where i accidentally found out and its not really my business i guess. and i dont even rly know if its true or even used anymore

it just feels bad because i lost a friend of like 7 years and a friend i really related to but didnt know long because i took their side in multiple arguments and i dont regret the 2nd one but the first one kind of still sucks. the people i lost had a lot of their own problems that made them unpleasant but idk. the first person was kind of always open to talking to me even though we r both fucked up and wouldnt ignore me even when i sometimes would bc of my own problems

and then if there Is a second server thats kind of why the second person lost their shit. so its like Maybe they were right in a small way (they were completely fucked though they would like suicidebait randomly and ive never had any other friend do that so its still for the best i think)

it seems like i keep losing or pushing away good friends kind of. or maybe im bad at all friends idk. ive never enjoyed socializing so it seems like my fault probably

i honestly just wish i could get on food stamps and/or disability on top of medicaid but i think people are still insisting i can go back to the way i was before. idk if thats possible. i just want to be able to stop taking As much Directly from other people and maybe like. buy legos or a 3d printer or something. i dont have much to do in the house 24/7 and my computer is getting old. and i think the internet is making this all worse but thats like my only activity

im so tired

[smolsammichowo]

I think my feelings on people arguing over if AEW or WWE is better is that one scene from the mickey mouse cartoon where Minnie Mouse finds a hat that is just the same hat she's wearing on her head & the group with her is like "oh I dont know maybe you should try it on..." & stuff ,

meanwhile Donald Duck, is like "ITS THE SAME HAT." over & over.

I'm Donald. except instead of hats, its pro wrestling. Its the SAME stuff. Its different companies & different styles of showing off stuff & different people but ITS PRO WRESTLING. ITS THE SAME OVER THE TOP VIOLENT SPORTS THEATER.

And I may say "Oh I perfer this stuff in AEW" or "I like this person in WWE" or "My favorite pro wrestler of all time is in AEW" or "Oh my gosh that match in wwe was the coolest ever!" but I just like them both in the end because they're both pro wrestling. Its more pro wrestling for me to enjoy. Same with other companies like NJPW, Impact/TNA (so happy more cool stuff is coming soon for them!) , Dragon Gate, ROH, and so much more !

I'm not saying "Oh! You dont like that company? Well you're bad!" You're fine to not like it, I'm just refering to the people who are like "Oh this guy who is super big star is signed with this comapny now! This company is trash now! Its gonna fail & die out! Haha!" & people who always focus on view counts and say "LOOK! This airing got a lot of people more watching than this show! They are failing!"

I wouldn't say that's failing. I would say all of that is pro wrestling is doing wonderful !

In the end for me, I just love pro wrestling & I'm just happy that I'm a pro wrestling fan in this age as there is so much content to watch (though a bit TOO much because I cant keep up with the fun madness AAAAA ) And I just find it silly that some people instead of enjoying it are just wishing the downfall of stuff! I

Also one more thing Im happier that tumblr has longer posts than twitter so i could talk about this!

Anyway heres a rant down below because here's a reason why I havent talked about pro wrestling a lot on twitter

I only mentioned on twitter that I dont talk about it much anymore given on twitter the fanbase there is a nightmare and people are scary (seriously compared to ANY fanbase Ive ever been in , sports fanbases especially pro wrestling where people REAAALLLY dont understand the "entertainment" part a lot of the time can be nuts. Especailly a shame given sometimes I really do want to talk about pro wrestling given its one of my all time favorite things & then I got people who just call me things just because my favorite wrestler either hasn't done much, isnt a champion, or isnt in their "favorite company"

Like bruh . If it makes you that miserable to just randomly comment on someones post talking about their favorite person like that why ya a fan . I used to be a huge fan of overwatch , still love the characters (after all i have two characters, one being one of my main online personas ) & such but I dropped the game because it made me miserable & that wasnt good for my mental health which then effect my physical. same with tiktok. I had 55k+ followers on there, that was my biggest following count on any social media site, but I dropped that shit because I was getting physically in pain from headaches from stress & being upset from that place & deleted that app & my account that had that many on there.

Aannnndd this just is exactly why I dont tallk about pro wrestling as much as I used to anymore. That above me happens. I just go off like I did lol . I apologize for that. But yea, I do still wanna do fanart for wrestlers in the future of course! After all they are a huge reason why I got back into art in a really fucked up time when I was younger in the first place .

[kyoosoup]

reading through my old messages and vents is always a rollercoaster

some of my takeaways so far:

1. i can be proud on some counts cause in many cases i've grown or gotten better. some of my messages/vents were from very specific situations that i had either forgotten about or gotten closure to and it's weird to see?? these things that affected me daily are now just memories.

for instance the first time i got creeped on (not counting cat calls) was at work and we called the cops and stuff cause i was maybe 15?? and that really affected me and i mean i still think about it but i was a lot more paranoid back then and it was fresh yk. And im still wary now but it's not as present in my mind as it was.

another thing is how i would often be upset at myself for being lazy and having a hard time focusing and not being able to do schoolwork and burning out. and i would wonder what was wrong with me (poor little me). and now i know ! adhd! lol. my mom was confused about why i was happy to get my diagnosis when i did but for years i had been thinking that i just wasnt doing enough or trying hard enough when i didnt realize it was literally how my brain was wired. ( this was actually a very common theme in my vents thank you diagnosis)

2. sometimes i see replies from old friends and im like man. we used to be these daily presences in each others lives and really close and now we dont even speak or had falling outs. spooky???

3. i see how I myself used to type/speak too and it's weird . i am practically a different person now. the amount i feel like ive changed in the past few years alone is like . exponential compared to before. meeting new people, losing people, losing family, discovering new interests, discovering and accepting more about myself???? actually socializing lol.

4. also just some of my issues were CRAZY ??/ how did i forget that i was working 10 hour shifts back during covid. 6-4 . and then i had to go home and do school ( i couldnt focus at work). omg that was just awful how did i do that

5. whenever i look back at old stuff i am even more grateful for the friends i have now. i had friends at the time but a lot of them weren't very close as the friends i have now or the relationships weren't as healthy as they shouldve been. i often felt incredibly lonely and i can say for sure i have not felt like that in a while (at least not for long periods of time, ive probably had bad days like everyone). maybe some parts of my life now sorta suck but i haven't hated it as much because i have good people supporting me and a lot of close friends who make life well worth living. i could write about how much i love my friends for hours probably

6. omg i remember when some of my big problems were my crushes on boys . THEY WERE ONLINE CRUSHES TOO. you dont understand im actually so embarrassed for myself for like 80-90% of my past real crushes (i am not counting what i thought were crushes but i realize was just admiration or squishes/friend crushes) some people go for looks. some go for personality. somehow, 14-16 year old me chose neither. theres only one of those past crushes that i still keep in touch with and i will say he is chill and we are friends and i am not as embarrassed over that one since he wasnt a sucky person. but like i definitely liked this one guy who was not good for my mental health hahahahha woops. there were more recent embarrassing experiences for me but theyre too fresh i cant laugh at them yet without cringing

7. you know this isnt as related to the old stuff but im writing all this while once again basically forgetting i was kind of a mess earlier this year too. thank you bad memory but let me rewrite my mental history. i am only thinking about the good things this year .

Anyways i dont know why i even wrote this theres no target audience that this applies to i think i just got really bored

[camilacantthink]

Sometimes i explode and i dont know why. Sometimes i explode and i do know why but that still isnt an excuse. I know i shouldnt do it and then i do it anyways. If i dont explode then it will drive me crazy. I think and think and think and think and think and think. It wont stop unless i explode. I dont know how go not do that. Im such a fucking horrible person and a horrible friend and maybe itd the fucking ocd. Maybe its the bipolar.

Maybe its everything. Im not okay. Im terrible. I hate how i treat people. I hate how my brain wont shut up unless i explode on people. I hate that im in so much pain and anxiety and distress unless i explode on people.

I wish i still wanted to die.... thats such a weird thing to want. But i used to take comfort in it. When things got bad i could think about killing myself. I could play it out in my head. I could make plans to distract myself. I could imagine how the people i loved would react. Which is fucked up and horrible. But it helped me. It was something to focus on. I knew that if i really had enough everything could just end.

But now i dont want to die anymore. There is no quick end. There is no out. And i have always been too chicken shit to hurt myself anyways. Too scared of pain.

Maybe if id died at 15 everything would be better after all... my friends didnt know me very well back then. Or didn't know me at all. My mom and siblings would have been upset. Hell, maybe even my dad would have cared. But theyd all get over it. My siblings dont even like me anymore. Rosie wasnt even attached to me yet at 15.

I miss rosie. I miss her so much. If she were still around maybe this would be easier. I could hold her instead of exploding. I wont ever see her again. I wish i was religious. I wish i believed in an after life. But no... i cant see how we are anything after. We will just stop. Everything will just stop.

I want to stop. I want to be nothing. But i also want to be something. I want to be a good person. I want to stop being horrible. I want to stop hating things so much. I wish i was likable and i wish i liked things more instead of hating them.

Im so lonely. I want someone to love me. I want to love someone back. I want someone to love me even when im an asshole but i want to not be an asshole. I want to be okay. I want the person i love who loves me back to hold me and i want to feel safe and protected and cared for. I want this person to exist. I want them to be real. But theyre never real. I hardly feel real.

I wish my life was a story. I wish i was a character in a book and that i will have my character arch and i will grow and be happy in the end. I also want to shoot myself in the head and have my blood splatter across the wall like in anime.

Its been my coping mechanism for the past few months. I dont want to die. But if i got shot in the head... if it was me or someone else... itd be over so soon. I can see that in my mind. Id get shot from the left. Blood splattering across the wall to the right side of my head. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

Or id get hung. Like in phantom of the opera. My fist to my face to stop the rope from tighting. I could choose then... to slip myself free or to let it kill me.

I hate myself. I hate myself so much. But i also dont hate myself. I hate myself right now.