#im just so tired of feeling so alone. and so tired in general so all of this is just nonsense straight from the cranberry bog | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

auschizm · 2 days ago

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vent. i feel scared because i want help but i'm also terrified about being involuntarily sent to a mental hospital again because ive been before and they put me in handcuffs on the ride there and it was really scary it made my wrists hurt and i got really dizzy and faint because they put me on such a high dose of antidepressants so fast. and now i feel like i need help because im so paranoid and im tired of hallucinating and tired of searching for hidden messages that logically dont exist but i have to look for anyways just in case but i want some kind of help but im terrified at the possibility of being sent back and losing my autonomy again. and im terrified of meds too because this all started months ago when my doctor denied my refill for my snris and i ran out and i was forced to stop them cold turkey and i couldnt ever figure out how to get a refill approved because i was stuck in bed feeling so so sick and i started hallucinating (although i was before just never consistently) and ever since then they never went away and things have been getting worse and im terrified of ever being so dependant on a medecine again if my doctor could just take it away like that and put me through that. but i thinki have to take the risk anyway because i need help. i wish i didnt have to weigh the danger of being alone with symptoms versus the danger of doctors having more power over me. im also scared of losing my hallucinations because they can be really scary but usually i just see bugs/animals everywhere and it makes me feel like im not so alone. but also sometimes they get dangerous to me and i dont think its safe to be alone. also thank you for your blog because it makes me feel less alone. sorry if this doesnt make any sense it feels like its been harder to think and communicate what i want to say.

I completely get your worries. Personally I have now, after a decade in psychiatry, given up on "getting help" through the psychiatric system because being a patient in said system has been more harmful than helpful time after time, to a point where I don't consider the "help" generally offered genuinely helpful, at least not for me personally.

But I get feeling like you need to do something - I've been there myself on several occassions in the past - and I know some people genuinely do benefit from some of the help offered by formal psychiatry. So I'm not telling you not to seek help if you feel it's worth the risks for you. I think you know far more about what you need than I do, and I wish you luck. I just wanted to say that your trauma and concerns related to the psychiatric system are real and valid.

#auschizm convos #forced hospitalization tw #forced treatment tw #medical neglect tw #medical abuse tw

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naamahdarling · 5 months ago

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Augh

#fancy is really struggling #and the babies are lovely and just FASCINATING in how they developed around but not shaped by humans and i so very deeply enjoy them #but they are also a little ungovernable due to their age and general lack of caring about rules and they are bothersome and rowdy #and it is obviously so so hard on her and my heart is breaking because im afraid we wont be able to get her through this #and i will have to give the babies up #and...not have another cat #just one #i would be crushed #and added to all of that is that the babies are taking their time learning to be pets and that is fine and wonderful actually #but...i need surgery on at least one ankle and i won't be able to keep up with them if things haven't sorted themselves out by then #and they haven't become more manageable and fancy hasn't adjusted #so we are asking about meds for poor fancy and hoping that works #but she's really having a hard time guys and i am fighting so hard to cope in a household where i spend most of my time alone #with two animals who don't love me yet or interact with me like pets (i'm a source of three things: food and snuggles on demand and NO STOP #and one who is sad and not herself #and frankly it's terrible that i can't fix this #and i am trying not to lose my shit but this wasn't supposed to be so hard #and im afraid i may lose five cats and not three #and im already barely holding on #i don't know what to do and neither does my boyfriend #i don't want to turn around and have to tell you guys we can't keep the babies #i feel like i am failing at something i am supposed to be GOOD AT #i don't want to be in a house so empty #i can't live like that #having the babies is lovely #they're so alive and the boys were so sick by the end and the stress of the constant anxiety and grief as they faded away was crushing #even before they died #it's been so good to have them running about #i don't want to LOSE that #im so tired of LOSING things

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phagodyke · 4 months ago

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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man #thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking #mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they #dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done #listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life #i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this #once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i #dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this #ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be #i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about #how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being #given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out #entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please #its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have #to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once #and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general #feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this #but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is #i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired #i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if #i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore #i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr #and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning #my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better #it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood #my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it #cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen #.vent #ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.

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tony-andonuts · 8 months ago

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God I wish I didnt get ostrasised by all but like 4 of my peers because holyfucking shit am I overworked and need a hug

#why cant everyone just be nice like for fucking real!!!!#so sick and tired of looking like Mother Theresa compared to my coworkers bc i do the bare minimum of making the residents feel cared for #like girl we are working with the same cast and crew #will never forget the time a cna came in and after telling them 'hey that guy will get seizures if you give em that' and they replied with #'well they get seizures regardless' AND LEFT #EVIL!!!!!!#andlike #i understand that not everyone has the same memory capacity/ability but oh my motherfucking god #if everyone around me is at baseline then i must be either God or the absolute perfect person #which is saying something bc ive genuinely killed quite a few braincells with my former [redacted] addiction but here i am #knowing the smallest things about everyone that makes em happy #and the thing is is that I WORK IN THE KITCHEN!!!#IM NOT A CNA/RN WHO AT ALL HOURS OF THEIR SHIFT WILL BE INTERACTING WITH THE RESIDENTS!!!#idk man if i were generally mentally n physically well in my 30+s AND gettin outshined by a 21 year old for the past 2 yrs id be embarrasse #cannot fucking wait for my mom to get a job so i can leave mine and take a break #tony speaks #and before anyone says 'the CNAs are overworked and some of the residents can be overwhelming!'#the residents know im nice so they come to me for fucking EVERYTHING!!!!#ESPECIALLY the overbearing ones!!!#AND ON TOP OF THAT I HAVE LITERALLY EVERYONE. STAFF AND RESIDENTS.#ASKING ME WHATS GOING ON WHEN IM BALLS DEEP IN THE AM AIDES BULLSHIT ON TOP OF THE MORNING COOKS #not only do i ghostrun the kitchen but im the guy everyone goes to for everything. regardless of department #im literally a kitchen aide with no further qualifications leave me the fuck alone and ask your superiors/managament FUCK!!!!!!!!

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thebirdandhersong · 2 years ago

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Hm

#i think im being taught a lesson about how to deal with loneliness #was i alone today? no. technically not. but i certainly felt lonely even with my friends #a feeling i wish id left behind in high school #i was like AH. I understand now. this is loneliness ive been feeling all week #anyway what is the point of this post? i am simply tired of being medium miserable and am oddly glad to understand WHY i feel so out of #sorts. it isnt just the hormones lol its the general loss of community post old church #and the continuing revelations that things were NOT okay in fact were even worse than i thought at the time #like 😭😭😭 we do live in a fallen world. still. hate to see it

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thecherrygod · 1 year ago

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#my posts #you know how this usually goes #i make an amount of tags so that if you read this its bc you've clicked and its not bc i am just posting it like whatever lmao #... unsure if i should even post it tho but what else do i do just leave it in my brain? idk maybe its the same maybe its better #maybe its worse? .... why have i been feeling kind of like this and at this kind of intensity for like about 2 weeks or more #2 weeks is how long ive been properly aware so i think its more but like. man.#like maybe its been like a month and i just havent been keeping track of time bc january is way too long to even try lmao #. but. idk. i just wish i could be kinda.. stable. like i cant feel good lmao #like it truly doesn't matter nothing is good enough in general #what i do isnt good enough #what goes on around me doesnt help trying to ignore the constant.. dread?#and like all things considered i should be doing good currently #or at least not this bad #but here i am constantly trying to not let myself feel too bad until im alone bc man.#so... yeah it just doesnt feel like anything is truly worth it not me as a person nor the things i do nor the things i experience lmao #also lately ive been just feeling more..... disconnected to others... like i dont understand them and they dont understand me #but like.. more than usual #and i guess its me? that it's kind of a me problem #idk I'm just tired. i need to sleep. i want to let face down on some sort of big water body or do something that will make my life worse #or they i will regret lmao #i. wont do any of those #also when i mean face down in some sort of bldy of water or whatever i dont necessarily mean like die #not against it but its not the only option #just lay there and float..... also not against it #i just want something that i cant have i guess bc im not sure what it is #like i just know what i want is to not constantly feel like this but idk how lmao #... u would sleep if i can bc man also I'm so tired #.... adding tags its a bit worse than I assumed lmao im also thinking about wether i deserve stuff or not lmao #like it got windy and cooler and i was like 'a blanket by my legs would be nice' only to be like 'no you don't deserve that ' like ah yeah #its kinda worse than i thought lmao

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welcometogrouchland · 2 years ago

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The cognitive function is not functioning, I think

#ramblings of a lunatic #feels like i make a million posts like this in a week but I can't. help it there's sand in my brain #idk if it's. brain fog??? can i claim brainfog. i saw someone say it's a chronic illness + adhd term #that's been misused by the general public so idk if i even have the right impression of it. also i feel like I'm going insane #I'm fully functional but everytime I'm left alone with my thoughts (which is most of the day) i feel like I'm rotting by overthinking #that sentence i said above about not knowing who's able to claim brainfog feels like it should be deranged on some level #but I'm overthinking and that's the kind of thing I'm overthinking.#im also thinking about how my overthinking isn't even the worst overthinking I've witnessed so really it's not overthinking #that's also a deranged sentence i feel #just. I'm tired all of the time. and i have no way 2 fix that. and i think it's all getting to my brain and I'm not. feeling awesome bout it #it's makin me anxious about my ability to Think and Be Smart and Capable and it's freaking me #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #i might make a sandwich soon. it won't fix everything and im not long after dinner but like. it might help

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waywardsalt · 1 year ago

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the dilemma of having ideas that would be best expressed as comics but being afraid to draw

#im gonna give it an actual shot sometime soon. maybe in a sort of storyboard kinda look so i can give myself acceptable room for error #anyways. linebeck comic idea. kinda in vein with that ‘everyone on mercay knows linebeck’ had going on hang on #salty talks #i love using mask stuff with linebeck. both in an autism sense and i nthe general sense that he has multiple different outward fronts for #different situations. the idea that he lets other people decide on those masks for him and he goes along w what they might want #to see from him. not really in a people-pleasing way more in a way to get what he wants and avoid getting hurt or. whatever criticized ig #but its to the degree where his actual self is very… repressed? stunted? restless? he doesnt actually act like himself a lot and the maskin #tires him out and drives him to despise others bc he does it as a sort of defense mechanism and to get what he wants so in a sense whats #under those masks has turned into almost like a muzzled beast. hes abrasive and resentful and exhausted and just a lot of pent up nastiness #like there are times when he drops the mask and its fine (like when he does it around link in ph or. like. if hes in a good mood #but a lot of the time that pent up masked resentment is what bubbles up to the surface when hes alone and he finds ways to utilize it #this leads into the idea that all of that pent-up… frustration? with SO MUCH gets wrangled by bellum n used as motivation for bellumbeck #like. i do like the idea that bellumbeck is an awful fulfillment of a lot of things for linebeck. a chance to actually be able to protect #himself in a fight but also a brief outlet for every awful thought he’s repressed and shoved down. some of those bad thoughts being directe #at link ofc like theres a lot of envy and frustration there and it does lead to a lot of the guilt he feels afterwards. i like the line abt #him asking link if he knows he wouldnt hurt him is like him just saying that but also asking himself. like. he was forced to act on bad #thoughts yknow so then hes afraid of what that makes him even if it was forced. anyways. linebeck acting differently to get what he wants #and burying and allowing his actual nature to fester and become resentful until he finally drops that mask shit and airs it out #just some assorted linebeck thoughts here. taking whats a puddle in canon and turning that shit into a sea bc why not. this idea probably #doesnt come across in any of my current fics but i want to do smth with it going forward yknow #linebeck ideas. yippee. idk how far into ooc territory im in now and at this point i dont fucking care cuz im tired of worrying abt it

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hellfireeddiemunson · 1 year ago

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i have bad melted soup brain today and i hate it

#i have never really felt like just disappearing off of the face of the earth and not talking to Anyone before but i have been thinking of it #a lot today! which is wild bc not my normal isolation thought but today it seems good ahahahaha #i am just. tired. i feel like i am not listened to ever and i feel unwanted as hell lately which i know in the back of my mind i am not #unwanted but boy do it feel like that lately lol. and i’ve been back on my ‘im gonna die alone bc nobody ever will love me how i love them’#bullshit which i have Not missed but it is come back full on ! soooo fun for me hahahahahaha i love to feel miserable about being unwanted #by those around me!!!! love it sooooooooooo much weeeeeee i totally don’t wanna slam my head through a window!!!!#also just in general lately i have felt like people talking to me is a chore to them bc nobody around me has been having actual conversation #it’s all been shit ass one word or one sentence replies from everyone or they talk about what they want and not acknowledge what i said and #i don’t even know what to do about it. i just don’t even want to talk to anyone now bc i feel like they literally don’t want to speak to me #and they don’t care what i have to say clearly bc they don’t pay attention and then bring up what i said says or weeks later like i never #said anything and it’s like hm wow yeah i fucking told you about that??? maybe if you pay attention you’d have known that but it’s fine !!!!#I’m just. tired of it. i am fully understanding of everyone having lives and doing their own things they need to do. but this is like. fr #different. like it feels so much different than that and i don’t get it and i don’t know what to do !!!!!!! i feel like i’m going Nuts #anyways if any of you wanna stick me through a meat grinder i would be forever thankful and you have the rights to take anything i own after #what this boils down to is my autistic ass is like everyone is not doing their normal thing!!! everyone is off their normal talking schedule #with me!!!! this must mean they fucking want me dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc they went off script/pattern and not in a way they have in the past #that indicated that they just are struggling to reach out! this is different and bad and they want you out of their life!!!!!!!#which is ridiculous but what the fuck am i to do about it bc i will be thinking this until i basically am told otherwise by these people. so #that’s soooo much fun i love brains they’re so silly i wish i could jump at a wall and stick to it until i just slowly peel off and onto the #floor. anyways. hope everyone else has a good night

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racingmiku2018 · 2 years ago

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i like my job and i like having money but remembering that i have to work makes me feel like a baked good deflating immediately after being removed from the oven. work takes up so much of my energy that i barely have enough for the things i like to do outside of it like drawing and crafting and reading and gaming and i need to spend like 90% of my weekend just recovering from the work week and by the time im up to doing literally anything i have to go to bed bc i have work in the morning

#racing!#its so fucking twisted. an endless cycle of being exhausted leading to being sad youre tired and then being exhausted bc ur sad #what am i even doing all this for #the cycles endlessness leads to hopelessness and it becomes very difficult to be optimistic #keeping my chin up has become a necessity bc if i drop my head for too long it gets impossible to perk back up #and im SO DAMN LONELY ALL THE TIME!!!!!!! I MISS MY FRIENDS #i miss my partner and i miss some of my old coworkers #im so sick of being alone with myself this bitch is terrible company to keep #its really awful. the worst #i know im just tired in general and maybe in the morning ill feel silly for rambling #but right now i really feel terrible and i need to get it out somewhere or ill go to sleep and itll fester and result in weird ass dreams #id rather not have goddamn eldrich horrors and skinbeasts in my dreams again tonight thanks

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sensitivegoblin · 20 hours ago

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Vent

#i feel sick and i hate my brain for wanting things that dont exist #all of my life ive been stuck in my head fantazising and mistaking it for being hopeful about the future #my wants and desires are so unrealistically stupid i wish i didnt feel this deeply #being the only emotional one in a family full of logic only thinkers is really really really hard #im BEGGING my dad to skip my birthday cus honestly im in so much pain (stress hemmoroids) and im just miserable in general #i dont feel like pretending im not miserable and putting on a thankful face #i honestly just wanna rot in 'bed' (my sisters couch) for as long as possible and cry when im alone #thinking about c_tting again just so i can stop beong crazy for a day or two and everybody will stop hating me #but also i dont feel like hearing my brother in law saying i need to cut out soda in order to stop cutting (hes....something)#im paraphrasing and i know thats his version of helping #but im TIRED and i wanna be around emotional people who i dont have to ask to hug me they just do #i just hate this stupid game (life) and i would like to quit please🥹

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celestialmancer · 7 months ago

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⛈️ ❌ ❌ ❌ // 2:09 am, tbd ;