#im just so tired of feeling so alone. and so tired in general so all of this is just nonsense straight from the cranberry bog | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

naamahdarling · 1 month ago

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Augh

#fancy is really struggling #and the babies are lovely and just FASCINATING in how they developed around but not shaped by humans and i so very deeply enjoy them #but they are also a little ungovernable due to their age and general lack of caring about rules and they are bothersome and rowdy #and it is obviously so so hard on her and my heart is breaking because im afraid we wont be able to get her through this #and i will have to give the babies up #and...not have another cat #just one #i would be crushed #and added to all of that is that the babies are taking their time learning to be pets and that is fine and wonderful actually #but...i need surgery on at least one ankle and i won't be able to keep up with them if things haven't sorted themselves out by then #and they haven't become more manageable and fancy hasn't adjusted #so we are asking about meds for poor fancy and hoping that works #but she's really having a hard time guys and i am fighting so hard to cope in a household where i spend most of my time alone #with two animals who don't love me yet or interact with me like pets (i'm a source of three things: food and snuggles on demand and NO STOP #and one who is sad and not herself #and frankly it's terrible that i can't fix this #and i am trying not to lose my shit but this wasn't supposed to be so hard #and im afraid i may lose five cats and not three #and im already barely holding on #i don't know what to do and neither does my boyfriend #i don't want to turn around and have to tell you guys we can't keep the babies #i feel like i am failing at something i am supposed to be GOOD AT #i don't want to be in a house so empty #i can't live like that #having the babies is lovely #they're so alive and the boys were so sick by the end and the stress of the constant anxiety and grief as they faded away was crushing #even before they died #it's been so good to have them running about #i don't want to LOSE that #im so tired of LOSING things

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phagodyke · 19 days ago

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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man #thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking #mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they #dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done #listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life #i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this #once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i #dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this #ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be #i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about #how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being #given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out #entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please #its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have #to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once #and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general #feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this #but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is #i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired #i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if #i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore #i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr #and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning #my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better #it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood #my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it #cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen #.vent #ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.

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tony-andonuts · 5 months ago

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God I wish I didnt get ostrasised by all but like 4 of my peers because holyfucking shit am I overworked and need a hug

#why cant everyone just be nice like for fucking real!!!!#so sick and tired of looking like Mother Theresa compared to my coworkers bc i do the bare minimum of making the residents feel cared for #like girl we are working with the same cast and crew #will never forget the time a cna came in and after telling them 'hey that guy will get seizures if you give em that' and they replied with #'well they get seizures regardless' AND LEFT #EVIL!!!!!!#andlike #i understand that not everyone has the same memory capacity/ability but oh my motherfucking god #if everyone around me is at baseline then i must be either God or the absolute perfect person #which is saying something bc ive genuinely killed quite a few braincells with my former [redacted] addiction but here i am #knowing the smallest things about everyone that makes em happy #and the thing is is that I WORK IN THE KITCHEN!!!#IM NOT A CNA/RN WHO AT ALL HOURS OF THEIR SHIFT WILL BE INTERACTING WITH THE RESIDENTS!!!#idk man if i were generally mentally n physically well in my 30+s AND gettin outshined by a 21 year old for the past 2 yrs id be embarrasse #cannot fucking wait for my mom to get a job so i can leave mine and take a break #tony speaks #and before anyone says 'the CNAs are overworked and some of the residents can be overwhelming!'#the residents know im nice so they come to me for fucking EVERYTHING!!!!#ESPECIALLY the overbearing ones!!!#AND ON TOP OF THAT I HAVE LITERALLY EVERYONE. STAFF AND RESIDENTS.#ASKING ME WHATS GOING ON WHEN IM BALLS DEEP IN THE AM AIDES BULLSHIT ON TOP OF THE MORNING COOKS #not only do i ghostrun the kitchen but im the guy everyone goes to for everything. regardless of department #im literally a kitchen aide with no further qualifications leave me the fuck alone and ask your superiors/managament FUCK!!!!!!!!

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thebirdandhersong · 1 year ago

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Hm

#i think im being taught a lesson about how to deal with loneliness #was i alone today? no. technically not. but i certainly felt lonely even with my friends #a feeling i wish id left behind in high school #i was like AH. I understand now. this is loneliness ive been feeling all week #anyway what is the point of this post? i am simply tired of being medium miserable and am oddly glad to understand WHY i feel so out of #sorts. it isnt just the hormones lol its the general loss of community post old church #and the continuing revelations that things were NOT okay in fact were even worse than i thought at the time #like 😭😭😭 we do live in a fallen world. still. hate to see it

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thecherrygod · 9 months ago

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#my posts #you know how this usually goes #i make an amount of tags so that if you read this its bc you've clicked and its not bc i am just posting it like whatever lmao #... unsure if i should even post it tho but what else do i do just leave it in my brain? idk maybe its the same maybe its better #maybe its worse? .... why have i been feeling kind of like this and at this kind of intensity for like about 2 weeks or more #2 weeks is how long ive been properly aware so i think its more but like. man.#like maybe its been like a month and i just havent been keeping track of time bc january is way too long to even try lmao #. but. idk. i just wish i could be kinda.. stable. like i cant feel good lmao #like it truly doesn't matter nothing is good enough in general #what i do isnt good enough #what goes on around me doesnt help trying to ignore the constant.. dread?#and like all things considered i should be doing good currently #or at least not this bad #but here i am constantly trying to not let myself feel too bad until im alone bc man.#so... yeah it just doesnt feel like anything is truly worth it not me as a person nor the things i do nor the things i experience lmao #also lately ive been just feeling more..... disconnected to others... like i dont understand them and they dont understand me #but like.. more than usual #and i guess its me? that it's kind of a me problem #idk I'm just tired. i need to sleep. i want to let face down on some sort of big water body or do something that will make my life worse #or they i will regret lmao #i. wont do any of those #also when i mean face down in some sort of bldy of water or whatever i dont necessarily mean like die #not against it but its not the only option #just lay there and float..... also not against it #i just want something that i cant have i guess bc im not sure what it is #like i just know what i want is to not constantly feel like this but idk how lmao #... u would sleep if i can bc man also I'm so tired #.... adding tags its a bit worse than I assumed lmao im also thinking about wether i deserve stuff or not lmao #like it got windy and cooler and i was like 'a blanket by my legs would be nice' only to be like 'no you don't deserve that ' like ah yeah #its kinda worse than i thought lmao

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welcometogrouchland · 1 year ago

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The cognitive function is not functioning, I think

#ramblings of a lunatic #feels like i make a million posts like this in a week but I can't. help it there's sand in my brain #idk if it's. brain fog??? can i claim brainfog. i saw someone say it's a chronic illness + adhd term #that's been misused by the general public so idk if i even have the right impression of it. also i feel like I'm going insane #I'm fully functional but everytime I'm left alone with my thoughts (which is most of the day) i feel like I'm rotting by overthinking #that sentence i said above about not knowing who's able to claim brainfog feels like it should be deranged on some level #but I'm overthinking and that's the kind of thing I'm overthinking.#im also thinking about how my overthinking isn't even the worst overthinking I've witnessed so really it's not overthinking #that's also a deranged sentence i feel #just. I'm tired all of the time. and i have no way 2 fix that. and i think it's all getting to my brain and I'm not. feeling awesome bout it #it's makin me anxious about my ability to Think and Be Smart and Capable and it's freaking me #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #i might make a sandwich soon. it won't fix everything and im not long after dinner but like. it might help

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waywardsalt · 1 year ago

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the dilemma of having ideas that would be best expressed as comics but being afraid to draw

#im gonna give it an actual shot sometime soon. maybe in a sort of storyboard kinda look so i can give myself acceptable room for error #anyways. linebeck comic idea. kinda in vein with that ‘everyone on mercay knows linebeck’ had going on hang on #salty talks #i love using mask stuff with linebeck. both in an autism sense and i nthe general sense that he has multiple different outward fronts for #different situations. the idea that he lets other people decide on those masks for him and he goes along w what they might want #to see from him. not really in a people-pleasing way more in a way to get what he wants and avoid getting hurt or. whatever criticized ig #but its to the degree where his actual self is very… repressed? stunted? restless? he doesnt actually act like himself a lot and the maskin #tires him out and drives him to despise others bc he does it as a sort of defense mechanism and to get what he wants so in a sense whats #under those masks has turned into almost like a muzzled beast. hes abrasive and resentful and exhausted and just a lot of pent up nastiness #like there are times when he drops the mask and its fine (like when he does it around link in ph or. like. if hes in a good mood #but a lot of the time that pent up masked resentment is what bubbles up to the surface when hes alone and he finds ways to utilize it #this leads into the idea that all of that pent-up… frustration? with SO MUCH gets wrangled by bellum n used as motivation for bellumbeck #like. i do like the idea that bellumbeck is an awful fulfillment of a lot of things for linebeck. a chance to actually be able to protect #himself in a fight but also a brief outlet for every awful thought he’s repressed and shoved down. some of those bad thoughts being directe #at link ofc like theres a lot of envy and frustration there and it does lead to a lot of the guilt he feels afterwards. i like the line abt #him asking link if he knows he wouldnt hurt him is like him just saying that but also asking himself. like. he was forced to act on bad #thoughts yknow so then hes afraid of what that makes him even if it was forced. anyways. linebeck acting differently to get what he wants #and burying and allowing his actual nature to fester and become resentful until he finally drops that mask shit and airs it out #just some assorted linebeck thoughts here. taking whats a puddle in canon and turning that shit into a sea bc why not. this idea probably #doesnt come across in any of my current fics but i want to do smth with it going forward yknow #linebeck ideas. yippee. idk how far into ooc territory im in now and at this point i dont fucking care cuz im tired of worrying abt it

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hellfireeddiemunson · 1 year ago

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i have bad melted soup brain today and i hate it

#i have never really felt like just disappearing off of the face of the earth and not talking to Anyone before but i have been thinking of it #a lot today! which is wild bc not my normal isolation thought but today it seems good ahahahaha #i am just. tired. i feel like i am not listened to ever and i feel unwanted as hell lately which i know in the back of my mind i am not #unwanted but boy do it feel like that lately lol. and i’ve been back on my ‘im gonna die alone bc nobody ever will love me how i love them’#bullshit which i have Not missed but it is come back full on ! soooo fun for me hahahahahaha i love to feel miserable about being unwanted #by those around me!!!! love it sooooooooooo much weeeeeee i totally don’t wanna slam my head through a window!!!!#also just in general lately i have felt like people talking to me is a chore to them bc nobody around me has been having actual conversation #it’s all been shit ass one word or one sentence replies from everyone or they talk about what they want and not acknowledge what i said and #i don’t even know what to do about it. i just don’t even want to talk to anyone now bc i feel like they literally don’t want to speak to me #and they don’t care what i have to say clearly bc they don’t pay attention and then bring up what i said says or weeks later like i never #said anything and it’s like hm wow yeah i fucking told you about that??? maybe if you pay attention you’d have known that but it’s fine !!!!#I’m just. tired of it. i am fully understanding of everyone having lives and doing their own things they need to do. but this is like. fr #different. like it feels so much different than that and i don’t get it and i don’t know what to do !!!!!!! i feel like i’m going Nuts #anyways if any of you wanna stick me through a meat grinder i would be forever thankful and you have the rights to take anything i own after #what this boils down to is my autistic ass is like everyone is not doing their normal thing!!! everyone is off their normal talking schedule #with me!!!! this must mean they fucking want me dead!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bc they went off script/pattern and not in a way they have in the past #that indicated that they just are struggling to reach out! this is different and bad and they want you out of their life!!!!!!!#which is ridiculous but what the fuck am i to do about it bc i will be thinking this until i basically am told otherwise by these people. so #that’s soooo much fun i love brains they’re so silly i wish i could jump at a wall and stick to it until i just slowly peel off and onto the #floor. anyways. hope everyone else has a good night

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racingmiku2018 · 1 year ago

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i like my job and i like having money but remembering that i have to work makes me feel like a baked good deflating immediately after being removed from the oven. work takes up so much of my energy that i barely have enough for the things i like to do outside of it like drawing and crafting and reading and gaming and i need to spend like 90% of my weekend just recovering from the work week and by the time im up to doing literally anything i have to go to bed bc i have work in the morning

#racing!#its so fucking twisted. an endless cycle of being exhausted leading to being sad youre tired and then being exhausted bc ur sad #what am i even doing all this for #the cycles endlessness leads to hopelessness and it becomes very difficult to be optimistic #keeping my chin up has become a necessity bc if i drop my head for too long it gets impossible to perk back up #and im SO DAMN LONELY ALL THE TIME!!!!!!! I MISS MY FRIENDS #i miss my partner and i miss some of my old coworkers #im so sick of being alone with myself this bitch is terrible company to keep #its really awful. the worst #i know im just tired in general and maybe in the morning ill feel silly for rambling #but right now i really feel terrible and i need to get it out somewhere or ill go to sleep and itll fester and result in weird ass dreams #id rather not have goddamn eldrich horrors and skinbeasts in my dreams again tonight thanks

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sensitivegoblin · 2 months ago

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Vent cus im trying not to make my feelings my loved ones problem

Tw: violent sadness